Addicts and Loved Ones Suffer Bitterness

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As an addict are you full of bitterness? How about replacing it with betterness? 

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm here to help.
If you're in search of help totry to get your life back
together, join me here atDocShock, your addiction

(00:21):
lifeguard, the addictionrecovery podcast.
to be real clear about what thispodcast is intended for.
It is intended for entertainmentand informational purposes, but

(00:45):
not considered help.
If you actually need real helpand you're in need of help,
please seek that out.
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counselor like me and talk aboutyour problems and work through
them.
But don't rely on a podcast tobe that form of help.

(01:06):
It's not.
It's just a It's forentertainment and information
only.
So let's keep it in that light,all right?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.

(01:30):
People who suffer addiction andthe family members who suffer
addiction other people'saddictions loved ones they both
have something in common and thething they have in common is
this problem of being full ofresentment uh anger contempt
whatever you want to call itabout the person's addiction

(01:51):
like the enemy's attacking youright and so now you're upset
and angry because the person isuh suffering addiction so you
get filled with anger resentmentcontempt frustration over
whatever's going on in your lifethat got you there, right?
So recovery is full of the samething, right?

(02:14):
It's this unresolved, untreated,unrealized, maybe unverbalized
resentment and contempt, right?
So there's this bitterness thatkind of seeps into your life.
And so in recovery, the samething happens, right?
You get filled with...
You get filled with bitternessand then when it's time to

(02:36):
change, make that change, theresentment is there and that's
the thing that kind of helpsthat bitterness stay there.
And you're bitter about the factthat you got treated this way or
that the person acted that wayor the things that were said or
the disappointments or whatever.
You know, if you ramp up thechaos to the point where you're
in jail or prison or thehospital, the bitterness kind of

(02:59):
creeps in.
Right.
It becomes all consuming.
And so then any chance of likeforgiveness or resolving issues
or making repairs just kind ofgoes out the window.
Right.
Because you're just so full ofall this stuff, that bitterness.
Right.
And, you know, it's funnybecause I see it both with the
people who suffer from addictionas well as the people who are

(03:20):
suffering around the addict.
They both have it.
It's just like a differentversion of the same thing,
right?
So bitterness kind of is there.
And what you're trying to dowhen you're existing in the
environment of trying to makechanges and improvements or
repairs because you're trying toimprove from your addiction is

(03:41):
you've got to get to a thingthat I– call bitterness, right?
Instead of bitterness, you'retrying to get better.
So are you bitter or are yougetting better?
And some people don't want togive it up.
They don't want to give up theirbitterness.
They feel like there should besome price or penalty that's
paid.
And I would argue that Theaddiction is the penalty, right?

(04:04):
I mean, it doesn't matter ifit's you're the addict or the
people around you.
Like Morton Downey Jr.
was talking about how Mel Gibsonusing the phrase, you know,
hugging the cactus.
Isn't the act of hugging thecactus the penalty?
All the destruction, isn't thatenough?
So if you're a family memberwho's dealing with an addict

(04:25):
who's working on recovery andyou're still, you know, you're
holding on to your resentmentand your bitterness...
You're still hugging the cactus,man.
I mean, that's not helping.
And if you're the addict who isnow at the point where you are
having trouble getting past yourown self-reflective resentment,
that bitterness you have aboutyour own addiction, how are you

(04:49):
ever going to get better?
So you've got to get to a pointwhere you can control yourself.
Okay, great, you're there.
You've got to get to the pointwhere you're acting like a
stable normal person okay you'rethere and the chaos is gone the
craziness is gone and now you'releft with just the feelings and

(05:13):
you know when i'm working withclients either either family
members or addicts it's it'sthey get to the point where the
bitterness it just seems likethe only thing that's left it's
the only thing they have leftIt's the only thing that they're
focusing on.
It's the only thing they feel.
And there's no room in there forforgiveness or repair or trust.

(05:38):
That's another big one, right?
Bitterness makes it so that youdon't trust the person.
You don't trust each other.
And so that emotional chaos,that turmoil, that dysregulation
in the emotion, in the the realmof repair, it just doesn't
exist.
And so when I have people thatI'm trying to walk through the

(06:03):
path of recovery and we get tothat point where the bitterness,
I can see it, right?
It's almost like you can feel itin the room.
We're kind of at a stationarypoint.
Like there's nowhere to go fromthere.
unless you're willing to take onthe repair of that bitterness

(06:25):
and move towards betterness,B-E, instead of B-I.
So when you're working on yourrecovery, let's talk about
addiction addict first.
If you're working on yourrecovery and you're trying to
make your way through therealization that chaos is gone

(06:46):
and now you're just left withwhatever is remaining of your
life at that point, and you feelbad, what do you do?
How do you deal with thatbitterness that's inside of you?
The bitterness about the thingsthat you've done, the bitterness
that you have towards the peoplethat got you involved in the

(07:08):
drugs and alcohol or whatever isgoing on first, the bitterness
that you feel towards the peoplethat betrayed you or the people
that turned their back on youand wouldn't help you or you
felt like wouldn't help you ortried to undermine your
recovery.
How about that one?
That's a good one.
The bitterness that you feeltowards those people, towards

(07:30):
yourself, towards yoursituation.
there's got to be something thatyou let go in order to get
there.
So bitterness is this weirdfeeling of I'm angry, but I
don't, it's, it's beyond anger,right?
So we're moving towards thatcontempt feeling.
So if you're trying to work onyour recovery and you're trying

(07:51):
to deal with that bitterness andyou're trying to figure out how
do I, how do I get out of thattrap?
The idea that you've paid aprice.
So like, The idea of, like,hugging the cactus.
I'm hugging the cactus.
Well, you're just damagingyourself doing that, right?
So you're not doing thatanymore.
But understand you did thatdamage, right?
You did it to yourself.
You did it to other people.

(08:14):
Nobody pays the price.
Yeah, they do.
Everybody did.
And so when you are looking atthat from your perspective of,
like, I feel so much resentment,so much bitterness, so much
contempt...
towards myself or other people,you got to let the feeling go

(08:34):
without the act.
Maybe they got away with it.
Maybe they didn't serve a pricefor that.
They didn't have a penalty forit, you think.
But in reality, they are.
It's not for you to decide.
It's not for you to dole out thepenalties.

(08:55):
That's for God to do.
And they will answer for it.
When you are accountable foryour deeds, your thoughts, your
actions.
I was listening to Gary Hamrick,who's the pastor at Cornerstone
Church.
And he was talking about theprice that people pay is not

(09:15):
here on earth.
So you can't also, there's alsothat you can't work your way
into heaven by doing good deeds.
That's not how it works.
God's looking inside of you, inyour heart, for that change.
He's not looking for youractions.
I know lots of really bad peoplewho do really great things, but

(09:36):
they're terrible people.
And they're going to have tohave, there's going to be a
price for that.
I've seen a lot of people whowere good people who did bad
things.
And there's a price for that,too.
You know, bad people doing goodthings doesn't amount to
anything in the end.
And so as an addict, yeah, youprobably did bad things.

(09:59):
Most addicts do.
It's not a game of constantreward and reward.
positive gain it's it's azero-sum game where everybody
loses at the end there's a zeroat the end maybe there even some
negative so are they gettingaway with it yeah here maybe but

(10:20):
not forever right eternity is along time and you answer for
those things so don't don'tthink that because as an addict
when you did bad things if youdidn't change your heart If you
didn't make it right with God orin the presence of God, you're

(10:41):
on an empty path.
It's a cul-de-sac, as I like tosay to people.
It's like you're driving downthe road and you think it's a
road, but actually it's not.
It's a dead end.
It's a cul-de-sac.
You're going to just be goingaround in circles at the end.
So you make it right, okay?
And that leads to the feeling,that lightness of forgiveness,
the idea that I...

(11:02):
I am blessed because I didn'thave to pay the penalty for this
necessarily for the rest of mylife.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I went to prison.
I don't know.
But I'm forgiving myself fordoing it.
And so as an addict working oninner change, that inner
healing.
And I'm pointing at my chest, myheart, right?

(11:24):
That's where recovery is.
And I talk to my clients and Isay, recovery is in here.
And I'm, again, pointing to mychest.
It's in your heart.
Recovery is not up here in yourhead.
It's down here in your heart.
So the change that you havehappens within your heart.
When I see clients who are inthat place where they have

(11:48):
worked through their resentment,their contempt, their
bitterness, you can see themchange.
You can hear it in their voice.
You can see it in the way theyconduct themselves, the manner
with which they're carryingthemselves, the demeanor they
have.
It's a total change.
And that's a wonderful thing tosee when you see it.

(12:13):
On the other hand, if you arethe family member of an addict,
a loved one, and you are full ofbitterness about all the things
that they've done, and all youwanted them to do was to move
towards recovery.
Okay, well then they movetowards recovery, right?
They're embracing recovery.

(12:34):
But now you're filled withbitterness and you can't go that
place of forgiveness with thembecause you're so bitter about
the things they did.
Which is kind of interestingbecause I thought all you wanted
them to do was to stop doing thedrug of choice, right?
To be better.
And yet there they are andyou're not receiving it.
So you're not giving them whatthey should have, which is the

(12:57):
support and care, right?
Because you can't get past yourbitterness.
It becomes the disease ofdestruction in recovery.
And it's a shame when somebodyis at that place where their
bitterness does one of twothings as a loved one.

(13:18):
It either drives theirresentment and their anger and
they're just angry at the addictand they can't let it go.
And it effectively ends therelationship, a healthy
relationship with the addict inrecovery.
Or it makes it so that they justare tied up in knots about the

(13:38):
person's addiction.
And so the bitterness is thefuel that drives that constant
need for trying to get theperson to change.
And it also ends up destroyingthe person's recovery because
they can never do anything goodenough.
They can never achieve enough ofanything to satisfy the person

(14:01):
who is bitter about somethingthat happened six years ago, for
example.
If you're in recovery...
And it's been five years.
I've seen this, five, six, sevenyears.
And the loved ones are stillbitter because the addict was an
addict.
And it's like, hey, man, Ithought you wanted this person
to get into recovery.
They got into recovery.
They've been living a good life.
They're working.

(14:21):
They're going to school.
They're functioning.
They have relationships withtheir kids.
They're engaging.
They're clear-headed.
And you're just so full ofbitterness that you can't even
get to the place where you canaccept that person who's
changed.
But I thought you wanted them toget sober.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's all I wanted.
But they didn't what?

(14:41):
They didn't apologize enough?
They didn't live a clean, sober,stable life enough for you?
I don't understand what's goingon here.
And I think sometimes whathappens with loved ones is that
they get so involved in thechaos and the urgency of the

(15:02):
person's recovery that now theydon't have a purpose.
You don't have a purpose withthe person if they are in
recovery and they're no longeran addict.
Now your role as the innocentbystander loved one who was
getting abused by the addict,now you've got to change your
role.
You have to be the acceptingperson.
Yeah, and you've been a victim.

(15:25):
Clearly, you've been a victim ofsomebody who was victimizing
you.
Yes, as an addict, they areattacking you or they're
draining your bank account orwhatever it was.
Yeah, that was what was goingon.
But hey, they changed and nowyou don't have that role.
You don't have the role of thevictim.
You don't have the role of theperson...
who was always there trying tobail them out or whatever, the

(15:49):
enabler.
So now your roles need tochange, and you struggle with
that because the idea that youdon't have a purpose if you
weren't the one that was beingvictimized is a sad one to be
in.
So accepting what's going on nowin their lives will help get rid
of some of that bitterness.
But accepting and embracing theperson, and perhaps you were the

(16:12):
enabler, Perhaps you were theperson who was causing problems
in their lives by giving themmoney when they shouldn't have
been giving money or giving themsafe harbor in some way.
Phone, insurance, car, housing,food, money, whatever it is.
Maybe you were enabling them andthat was a huge problem.

(16:33):
And you've got to come to termswith that and you've got to deal
with that away from the addictbecause you've got to get past
that bitterness.
You've got to work through that.
And one of the best ways to dothat really honestly is to start
talking to people.
Walking in shame because yourloved one's an addict and you
don't want to be seen as themother, father, brother, sister,

(16:55):
whatever of the addict, thehusband, wife.
You don't want to be seen asthat.
But also, how many people do youknow are in that place in their
life?
They are the loved one of theaddict.
Probably not too many.
And so there's a bit of shameattached to that, and that
creates some bitterness too,right?
So there's all these things thatare involved, and it's a long

(17:17):
process.
So talking to people, so goingto Al-Anon, getting a
therapist...
That's what I mean by talking topeople.
I don't mean talk to yourneighbors, but talk to a
professional.
Get engaged in the therapeuticprocess.
Make yourself open to that andparticipate in it.
That can help you, especially ifyou're working with a good

(17:38):
therapist, and I hope you wouldfind one.
They're out there.
There are some bad ones too, butthere are some good ones.
Find one that works on theemotional side of recovery.
So they need to know somethingabout recovery themselves.
They've got to be somebody whospecializes in that because it
is a different animal than justbeing depressed or anxious, more

(17:58):
common, everyday types of mentalhealth problems.
Recovering from someone else'saddiction is a very specialized
thing.
So find somebody you can talk toand work through those issues.
and get to a healthier place sothat you can have that
relationship that you wantedwith the person.
And so bitterness is the thingthat is the, it's like the rust

(18:24):
on steel.
Until you get rid of the rust,until you start working with
that rust, you solve thatproblem.
Maybe you have to put some,there's this stuff called rust
encapsulator.
It's a type of paint that, thatstops rust because it cuts off
the oxygen and the excess ofmoisture to the metal, but it

(18:46):
also takes the metal andencapsulates the rust that's
existing there.
Or maybe you just have to cut itout and replace it with some
healthy stuff.
But whatever it is, thatbitterness is something that
will definitely take you out.

(19:06):
It'll take the relationship out.
It'll destroy any chance thatrelationship's there.
So, as I've said in some ofthese other podcasts, I love
little philosophical phrasesthat are demonstrations of
things.
But like Bruce Lee talking aboutthat Confucius saying that the
usefulness in a cup is in itsemptiness.

(19:29):
And so you have to pour outwhatever's there first before
you can use it.
Otherwise it's filled and it'sof no use anymore.
in that moment so if you wantfresh water in that cup you got
to pour out the dirty water andclean it then you can fill it
with new water so getting rid ofthat bitterness and moving

(19:49):
towards betterness is is aboutgetting rid of that what's in
that that cup and eliminatingthat so that you can fill it
with better things and that goesfor both loved ones and the
addicts both Because I thinkaddiction is a disease, it's a
problem, it's a stigma, it's anattack, it's horrible.

(20:11):
And all it wants to do is createchaos.
That's what the enemy wants,just chaos in your life and
destruction.
So working on the bitterness isactively engaged in facing those
things that you have resentmentand anger for that end up being
solidified into bitterness.
There's nothing worse thanliving your life as a bitter

(20:33):
person.
And when you think aboutdescribing somebody as like a
bitter person, the phrase that Iused to hear when I was a kid
was, oh, he's a bitter old manor she's a bitter old woman.
And it's like they've been soabused and they've hung on to
the anger about that abuse evenwhen it stopped.

(20:56):
And they held it through theirentire life.
And so the bitter old man or thebitter old woman was somebody
you didn't want to approach.
You couldn't really talk tothem.
They weren't pleasant to bearound.
They usually had nothingpositive to contribute.
And you didn't even know why.
And I remember there was thisman who lived down the street
from me when I was a kid.
He was a bitter old man.

(21:17):
And no matter what happened, nomatter what was going on, it was
always negative.
He was angry.
He was the one who was yellingat you about being on his
sidewalk or being on his grass.
that on his sidewalk thingalways got me because it's not
his sidewalk it's city propertyyou're supposed to walk on it
but he didn't like kids and hewas just this bitter old man and

(21:39):
I remember my mom using thatphrase he's just a bitter old
man like that's an excuse orsome kind of explanation about
it and I'm like I kept thinkingyeah but how did he get that way
you know his life he was I thinkhe was retired because I don't
remember him working and he wasto me he was old so I you know
but like ancient old and Iremember thinking like But how

(21:59):
did he get there?
Like, life seemed good for him.
It was, we were in Californiaand weather's nice.
And, you know, people on thestreet were pleasant enough.
And I was like, why is he abitter old man?
And I didn't ask my mother thatquestion, of course, because I
was very young.
But like, it just seems strangeto me.
Like, why would somebody bebitter?
And perhaps it's the fact that Iwas young and he was old.

(22:21):
So my perspective was based on Idon't have life experience to
know what bitter was about.
I wasn't bitter.
So why would he be?
And then I remember alsothinking, well, why can't he
just change that?
Like, just stop being so bitter.
Like, go eat a piece of pizzaand watch a funny TV show.
That was kind of the solutionwhen I was young.

(22:42):
Like, why are you wasting yourtime being bitter?
Everything was fun for me.
So, like...
Why can't you have fun?
Because life happens.
And, you know, who knows whathis bitterness was about.
It could have been anything.
It could have been his son, youknow, got killed in Vietnam or
he was fighting the VietnameseWar because that was what was

(23:04):
going on at the time.
I don't know.
Maybe his wife got mad and lefthim or something.
I don't know.
Who knows?
But whatever it is, you got towork on it.
So with addiction and the enemyattacking you, It wants to
attack everybody.
It doesn't want to attack justone person.
But it will work on one personat a time.

(23:26):
And it will keep attacking andkeep attacking until finally
it's destroyed everything in itspath.
And I, for one, I refuse tosurrender to that battle.
I saw it take so many of myfriends out.
I've seen it take out my familymembers.
I just don't want the enemy towin.
It just doesn't have a place andthat's not right.

(23:47):
So work on emptying that cup andgetting rid of the bitterness.
Well, that's it for this episodeof Doc Shock, Your Addiction
Lifeguard.
I hope you've enjoyed thisepisode.
I've got plenty of otherepisodes for you to listen to.
I think we're up to number 122or something.
If you need help, you can reachout to me, Dr.

(24:09):
Jacques DeBruyter, on mywebsite, wellspringmindbody.com.
And I will certainly try to helpyou.
If you can't reach out to me,reach out to somebody else.
Go to a counselor.
Go to a rehab.
Do something.
Whatever you do.
Don't let addiction win and youlose by losing your life.

(24:29):
Don't save your addiction byending your life.
That's crazy.
But get the help.
And until the next episode ofDoc Shock, this is Doc Shock
saying, see ya.