Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm again for Dr.
Addiction Lifeguard Podcast.
I am Dr.
Jockey Burger, a psychologist,licensed professional counselor,
and addiction specialist.
You are suffering fromaddiction, misery, trauma,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help, try toget your life back together.
Join me here at Dr.
(00:21):
Addiction Life Guard, theAddiction Recovery Podcast.
(01:11):
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:37):
Today, we're talking aboutsomething you may know all too
well.
Why you're trying to hide youraddiction even from the people
who love you the most.
That's the topic for today.
Hiding your addiction in plainsight.
So the problem with addiction isthat it fills you with all kinds
(01:58):
of feelings about yourself andabout other people, and and you
get all dysregulated.
And so there's this thing thathappens where you start hiding.
You know, I've used the phrase amillion times in these podcasts.
Addic uh isolation isaddiction's best friend.
And you know what addictionteaches you is to survive in the
shadows.
(02:18):
You need to build a secret lifebecause part of you believes
exposure equals destruction.
You know, that's that's whatyour twisted mind thinks.
So you might have two versionsof yourself, the one that
everyone sees and the one that'scarrying the addiction.
So they become almost like thesedual personalities you you
exhibit.
(02:39):
And the the the brain sphere andthe reward system push for
secrecy, you know, it's based onthis premise that if they find
out, I lose everything.
And if I hide it, I keep using,I can use all I want.
And that's why addiction itneeds a friend, and that friend
is isolation.
So hiding, isolation byyourself.
(03:00):
But hiding comes with a cost.
You know, it slowly disconnectsyou from everyone and
everything.
And over time, you start to losethat connection, you start to
delve more and more into youryour addiction.
So it just becomes this horribleself-feeding problem.
And you know, the issues arereally kind of made worse by the
(03:21):
feelings of um shame andembarrassment.
So shame is like the the poison,right?
But it's it's disguised asprotection.
You think that you're protectingyourself from the shame, but the
shame is the poison disguised asprotection.
So the other the other feelingthat's attached to it in that
(03:43):
self-judgment realm is guilt.
And guilt's a funny one becauseit it's telling you I did
something wrong.
But shame says I I am somethingwrong.
So guilt is not something youfeel necessarily, you move
towards shame, and that's whyit's poisonous.
It's that belief that fuels yourneed to keep the secret.
(04:06):
You tell yourself, if theyreally knew me, they'd walk
away.
Thus you have shame.
And the guilt that happens uh atthe same time, but it's not the
dominant thing.
That guilt is that you feel badabout this, and you feel bad
about the loss of therelationships, but shame just
wipes all that out becauseyou're afraid that they they're
(04:28):
really gonna find out who youare, and then they'd walk away.
So maybe that shame startedalong before the drugs and and
the alcohol, maybe from traumaor failure or rejection, it
still bleeds in under thesurface.
And that is why when people arefeeling badly, um, it's my
experience tells me it's alwaystrauma-based.
(04:51):
It's always trauma-based.
And it doesn't matter if it's inchildhood or maybe later on,
something you've done orsomething that happened to you,
somebody something somebody didto you.
And so that rejection thatyou're fearing, that that
rejection of that that trauma,that and that, and that failure.
Maybe you failed miserably atsomething, you failed at your
marriage, or you failed at youknow uh something at work, or
(05:14):
you failed in your business, orit could be anything.
And again, we go back to if theyreally knew who you were, they'd
walk away.
That's your fear.
And and the fear of consequenceswhen exposure happens, um, the
you know, really moves youtowards that isolation.
You're scared, you're scared ofrejection, you're scared of
judgment, losing your job, yourfamily, maybe your reputation.
(05:38):
So you tell yourself, I'll stopbefore it gets bad.
You know, bad is very, verysubjective, it's not objective.
Or they wouldn't understand.
So if you if you get exposed,people wouldn't understand.
Those fears are real, but theyalso keep you trapped in that
(05:59):
same loop.
You're stuck in that hamsterwheel.
And what you don't realize isthat hiding the problem usually
creates the very losses thatyou're trying to prevent.
And when you have those losses,and maybe they even start
mounting up.
Many of my clients will haveexamples where they lost uh
(06:19):
their marriage because they losttheir job and it weighed on them
so heavily that they lostidentity attached to the job and
now they don't know who theyare, and they start acting out.
And maybe they're already havesome some addiction issues, but
now the drinking or the drugsreally kick in.
And so you don't realize thatwhen you're hiding that problem,
(06:40):
no, and for men it's it'sparticularly problematic, but
for women too, they can they canhave this um issue of it it's
creating the very loss thatyou're trying to prevent.
You don't want to disconnectfrom people, and you feel
lonely, you feel isolated, youfeel lonely, and your
embarrassment and your shamekind of feeds into that.
So the denial and theself-deception that goes on when
(07:04):
you're engaged in this process,so before you lie to others, you
have to start lying to yourself.
And we all know what that lookslike.
This isn't really that big of aproblem, or I'm gonna I'm it
didn't really happen.
I get a lot of that too.
Like that didn't really happen.
Um, it's it's really interestingwhen I'm talking to clients and
(07:24):
they they move into that um withtheir usage.
It's like I didn't really dothat.
And I have to pry stuff out ofpeople sometimes about their
usage.
They they really minimize what'sgoing on.
You minimize the effect, youminimize the usage.
I'm not I you know, I only useon the weekends, and you you
(07:47):
compare.
There's a lot of comparison thatgoes on.
At least I'm not as bad as him.
And that goes on uh even whenI'm trying to get people to go
in to get help and get into therecovery community.
They look around the room,they're like, I'm not like these
people.
You know, some of them havethese horror stories.
That's that's the term that getsyou used a lot, is horror
stories.
And I hear that, you know, it'sshe's man, there's some really
(08:09):
bad ones out there, you know.
I at least I'm not as bad asthat guy, or not as bad as that
woman.
She really she blew her life up.
Understand that addiction is aspectrum disorder.
You don't start out mainliningheroin or you know, snorting
cocaine every day, or drinking afifth of vodka every day.
(08:29):
You don't start out there,that's where you end up, but
that's not where you start.
And and so, with that, with thatminimizing, denial becomes your
comfort zone because it keepsthe illusion alive.
It keeps that illusion of it'snot really that big of a
problem.
And that it's almost like thatthat schizophrenic, like, you
know, I'm here, I'm seeing, I'mliving in one world, but I'm the
(08:51):
reality is there's a wholedifferent world here.
Um, but those illusions, theydon't they don't float, they
sink you.
Just like a lifeguard ignoresthe undertow.
So you you just it'll sink you,you know.
If you're a lifeguard and you'regoing out and you're swimming
out to get somebody and there'san undertow, it might drag you
down, might drag you away.
(09:12):
You have to be aware of what'sgoing on.
You have to be really facingthat that truth.
That's what keeps you from goingunder.
The truth, that that truth oflike really what am I?
And that's that breakthroughthat we have when we realize
we've just our life has becomeunmanageable.
Step one, right?
My life has become unmanageable.
So what you know, what are youdoing when you're doing all this
(09:34):
stuff?
When you're making stuff up,you're minimizing, you're
isolating, you're you'reprotecting the addiction.
So the enemy is is is got you inthis addiction cycle and the
state of addiction, and then youstart protecting it, even though
that that's something that youlike.
I'm all conflicted because Iwant to get rid of this.
(09:56):
So you might not realize it, butyou built this relationship with
your addiction, and that'sreally what the enemy wants you
to do.
The enemy wants you to have arelationship with addiction, and
it's like a dysfunctional, um,abusive domestic relationship
where one spouse is beating theother, but you're trying to
build that relationship withsomebody that's beating you, and
(10:17):
they, you know, they want toharm you, but it comforts you,
it numbs you, it demands yourloyalty, and you defend it like
it's a friend or a spouse or alover.
And it's all it's all bad.
Every every lie, every coverstory, every excuse is really
about protecting youraddiction's survival.
(10:38):
And I say that in these in thesepodcasts, don't end your life by
trying to save your addiction.
But while you protect it, it'squietly destroying you from the
inside out.
I know what that feels like.
I I've lived that, and I knowwhat you feel like when you're
there.
It's you feel like you're dying,and you can you can feel it, you
(10:59):
know, it's not from the outside,it's from the inside.
And you're that's what you'redoing.
You're you're protecting thatfrom happening to you.
So the shame so let's talk abouta couple things.
One one the shame loop.
What the this this endless cycleof engaging in something that's
trying to kill you.
So here's how the cycle worksyou use and then you feel
(11:24):
ashamed, and the shame causesyou to isolate and hide, and
then you feel bad, so you useagain.
Now you may be using because youyou have some other thing that
you're trying not to feel, butthis is the cycle.
So you're you're using, you feelshame, you hide, you isolate,
(11:45):
then you use again.
And that that loop, that that'sa trap.
That's a prison.
And the and this is this is whenyou know that the enemy has
really got their hooks in you.
Um you're trapped, and you feelit.
I I can remember feeling likethat.
I just I just wanted to get out,but I couldn't because I was
(12:05):
stuck in this prison.
And that's when you that's whenI start hearing words like, you
don't know what it's like, youdon't know what I'm going
through.
And most people don't, butthat's because you're isolating
and you're quiet about it.
But you're mad about the factthat they don't understand.
So breaking that cycle, breakingthat shame loop takes courage
(12:26):
and compassion for yourself, andthat's what we don't have when
we're caught in that addiction.
People who are caught inaddiction, they feel this
self-loathing, this really angryupset about themselves.
So you it really takes a lot ofcourage and compassion.
Compassion, love for yourself,extending grace to yourself, not
(12:50):
self-hatred.
So recovery begins when you stoprunning from the truth and you
start letting the light inthrough honesty, therapy,
accountability, connection inthe community, the recovery
community.
This is why it's so important toget involved in groups.
And you know, if it's Iop orit's AA or NA or it's Al Anon or
(13:16):
it's something, right?
You gotta get in that group.
Get in the group so that you'renot isolating.
But when you get there, you haveto be honest.
And again, I'm gonna go back tothe well, at least I'm not as
bad as her or I'm not as bad ashim.
You gotta get away from that.
You start looking at yourself,and that's and then the other
part of it is theaccountability.
Because if you're working with asponsor, and that's really what
(13:37):
you should be doing in in theA's, is you should be making
yourself accountable and feelingthe connection.
So you have to let people in.
And so what so if you can getout of the sh out of the shame
loop, um, it's it's gonna getyou there quicker, it's gonna
(13:58):
get you there better.
So if you understand that truth,it's there's freedom there, but
it's painful.
I'm gonna be honest with you,it's really painful, you know.
Um if it if anybody has evergone to residential treatment
and you sat in these rooms within groups, and there's that
moment of breakthrough wheresomebody is actually realizing,
(14:18):
oh my gosh, I am I am so sad,and you and and you become super
emotional.
I've heard stories of peoplethat had these breakthroughs,
and it could be in a residentialtreatment program, it could be
in an AA meeting, it could bewith your sponsor, it could be,
you know, it's usually in thepresence of someone else because
that it's it's interesting.
(14:39):
Bearing witness to somebody whenthey're going through this is
very powerful and very, verydifficult.
You see them going through it,and you just, as an as somebody
in recovery and you're watchingsomebody go through that, you're
so filled with compassion andattachment to the person that's
going through this.
As the person who's goingthrough it, you feel ultimately
(14:59):
vulnerable, and you get thisflood of emotion that goes
through you where you areconnecting with the actual pain
that you've been existing in forso long, but not really
understanding that that's whatthat's what you've been feeling.
But it's this honest, brutalunderstanding of self,
connection with self.
(15:21):
And that's really, reallydifficult to experience.
It's difficult to witness, butit's more important that it be
witnessed because you need to beable to to understand that
people do get it.
And when you don't feel alone,you're gonna you're gonna have
somewhere to go with thisinstead of just being, you know,
(15:42):
isolated.
And you know, nobody is gonnawitness this and just pretend
like it, you know, didn't happenfive minutes later.
You're gonna feel support andlove and connectivity in a way
that's m that's very moving.
So what how do we know w what'sgoing on?
(16:03):
You know, as addicts, it is mit's almost impossible to have
true introspective thinking whenyou're using.
When you stop using, you becomevery dysregulated, and it's it's
very common.
Um so you you ask yourself,listen, I'm I'm saying to you,
(16:24):
ask yourself, am I becomingdefensive and secretive about my
use?
And you're listening to thispodcast, and you're and you're
you know, you're obviouslylistening because you have have
issues or have had issues.
Honesty is the the light.
You move to the light, like Iunderstand the truth.
Am I becoming defensive?
Am I am I am I lying to otherpeople?
(16:45):
Am I lying to myself even aboutmy usage?
Do I hide money or time orbehavior from people close to
me?
Do I make up excuses?
Do I come up withrationalizations why I didn't
show up or why I'm late or youknow, why I didn't turn in this
report or that work or why Istood somebody up on some social
(17:08):
event or a date or something?
Am I hiding money and time?
Money being like, am I am Iopening up I had one guy who
opened up a separate checkingaccount and he would funnel
money into it so that he couldbuy with a debit card so his
wife couldn't see the purchasesat at the uh the liquor store,
the ABC store.
(17:28):
Uh a time, you know, excuses.
I hear, oh my gosh, I hear somany excuses coming from people.
Where were you yesterday?
Oh, I was here, I was, you know,I was I was delayed, my, you
know, my I had a flat tire, I mycar wouldn't start, I, you know,
I oh, I wasn't feeling well.
It's time the or behavior, youknow.
Wow, you seem really edgy, youseem really short.
(17:51):
Why are you so argumentativenow?
Like, and it's because you'reyou need to use and you have it,
and you're going throughwithdrawal.
Um, or or maybe you're just youknow, you've had a few too many,
or maybe you went into thebathroom and and did a bump real
quick and you come out andyou're super talkative, you're
super um, like almost manicallyenergized, and and people are
(18:13):
aware of this, like they seethis, and so you're you you're
lying to people about it, youknow.
Oh, it's oh I, you know, it's amedication I was taking, or you
know, I whatever.
All right.
So do you feel constant anxietyabout being found out?
Is that a concern for you?
Like you were genuinely freakedout about your somebody's gonna
find out that you're using.
(18:34):
Now, this can happen indifferent different uh in
different phases.
It could be, you know, you'vejust been using and ramping up
over time, and then people aregonna, you're afraid people are
gonna find out that you've beenusing more.
Um, another scenario is youstopped using for three months
or five months or six months,and you got to that six that
(18:54):
deadly six month mark, and thenyou started using again.
That's shameful, right?
I mean, that's how you feelshame about that.
Um, so are you afraid aboutbeing f found out?
So let me go over these again.
Are you becoming defensive orsecretive about your use?
Are you hiding money, time, andbehavior problems um from people
(19:19):
close to you that are concernedabout you?
Do you feel constant anxietyabout being found out?
Those are the warning signs thatthe addiction is in control, not
you.
Addiction has taken a hold ofyou and it's making you a liar
and a manipulator and adeceiver.
(19:40):
So observation is the firststep.
Observe, don't absorb yourshame.
You know, you've heard me saythat phrase, wow, uh observe,
don't absorb.
Well, this is about your ownshame.
Observe it.
I'm saying to you, this may bean issue, and hopefully you're
in a situation, this is why it'simportant to be working with
(20:02):
others in recovery.
Are you are you observing thatyou're saying it?
Yeah, I'm this is this is thepoint of like in when you go to
AA, those of you don't know, youstand up and you say something,
and there's no crosstalk.
People can't respond to youdirectly, they can't criticize
you or comment about whateveryou're saying.
So if if you say it out loud,you say, I lied to my husband
(20:26):
because I went out with somegirlfriends and I drank.
Okay, you're listening this isyou being honest, right?
So you're not absorbing theshame.
You're just saying it out loud.
You're saying it in a in an AAmeeting, and nobody's
everybody's just looking at youwith a lot of feeling.
You know, you're feeling it.
See, so see what's really goingon without judgment, seeing it.
(20:51):
See what's really going onwithout judgment for you, your
own critical judgment.
And and when you get to thepoint where you can actually
engage in that healing process,it's the beginnings of this.
Like my life has becomeunmanageable.
This is out of control.
I am so dysregulated.
Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
(21:12):
Understand, like I said before,addiction is a spectrum, right?
You start out with very littleusage, and the end stage is I'm,
you know, I've got hep C and myI've got uh jaundice and uh my
liver's failing and I'mhomeless.
That's the that's the extremeend of it.
So what's the the the what's thefirst step?
(21:35):
Well, the first step towardhealing is truth.
Understand the truth, the truthwill set you free.
I'm gonna paraphrase some somescripture from the the New
Testament.
Understand the truth, the truthwill set you free.
I know we're talking not talkingabout Jesus, but we're talking
about your truth.
I am an addict, I am helplesswith this, I am overcome by
(21:58):
this.
That's the first step.
Life, my my life has becomeunmanageable.
You don't need to tell everyoneright now, just start by being
honest with yourself.
That's where it starts.
Like, I that's what happens whenpeople come into my office.
They come in and I say, What canI do for you?
You're here.
So what's going on?
And they they say, Well, I thinkI might have a problem.
(22:21):
And I say, Okay, well, you wantto talk about it?
And kind of throws them offbecause they think I'm just
gonna pry right into it.
And it's like, no.
Um, no, I'm gonna ask you, doyou want to talk about it?
And you know, do you sometimesit's the third, fourth, fifth
session before somebody actuallysays, Well, you know, I told you
it was alcohol, but really it'sactually a lot worse than that.
They need to test the water, soto speak, about, you know, can I
(22:44):
trust this guy that I'm talkingto that I don't know?
But honesty breaks that thatchain of shame.
Light dissolves secrecy.
It's kind of like I've alwaysyou know said in the past, it's
like a dark room that's gotcockroaches and and mice running
around and it's in the kitchen,and you turn the light on, what
happens?
Well, all the cockroaches wantto run away.
(23:06):
They don't want to be seen, theydon't want to be in that room.
They don't, you know, so lightdissolves the secrecy, it makes
it go away.
The truth is, this is going tokill you, and it's destructive
in your life, and you're losingthings, and you didn't really
want to lose them.
So you may, but you may losesome things when the truth comes
out, but you'll finally startgaining your life back, and
(23:28):
that's really what this isabout.
It's like get your life back.
We suffer in silence, we sufferin secrecy.
Well, the suffering, the it'snot the suffering that you're
gonna tackle right away, it'sthe secrecy part, not the
suffering.
The suffering happens, the thethe ending of the suffering
(23:50):
happens when the secrecy ends.
So remember, you know, thelifeguard rule that I've told
you about don't drown trying toum rescue somebody.
Well, in this one, it's don'tdon't drown trying to hide.
That's crazy.
You gotta reach out for help,you gotta engage in that process
of help.
So when you're trying to figureout what the first step is for
(24:14):
you in recovery, if you'retrying to get there, or or if
you've been struggling with it,I'm telling you, my experience
of doing this for 20 plus yearsis start telling the truth.
And the truth starts with you,and then you be able to say it
to somebody else.
And I, you know, my ownprejudicial view is it's helpful
(24:34):
to have a well-trained therapistwho understands and has trained
in treatment of addiction as aspecialty because there, you
know, the truth that you'respeaking, you know, in all
likelihood, the person you'retalking to is also in recovery.
Many people who uh go into aspecialty with addiction, it's
because they understand it andthey feel tremendous amount of
(24:57):
compassion for those who aresuffering from addiction as
well.
So it it it but it doesn't haveto be a therapist.
Um, it could be a friend or itcould be some a sponsor.
Um, well, you wouldn't have asponsor if you'd seen that I
guess in a meeting.
Walk into the meeting, man.
It's the scariest thing in theworld that first time you walk
into a meeting.
It feels probably like totaldefeat, total, total um, I've
(25:21):
lost my mind, and I don't evenbelong here.
I don't even know why I'm here,but I do know why I'm here.
I mean, it's very scary thefirst time you go to a meeting.
I'm not gonna kid you, but it'simportant.
And so being able to be honestwith yourself really it's much
more effective if you're honestwith yourself in the presence of
someone else.
(25:42):
So find somewhere where you canstart to engage in that.
You can engage in some truth,and the truth will set you free.
The enemy wants you to loseeverything, and it wants to
destroy as many people aroundyou as possible before it
ultimately kills you.
And that would be a tremendousshame.
(26:03):
There's been so many people, andit's accelerating because of
fentanyl and because of otherdrugs, but the losses, you know,
I just in my life, um the thethe losses I've suffered with
the people of friends, people Iloved, people I cared about,
they're dead because of overdoseor addiction-related stuff.
But you think about the peoplein your life that have suffered,
(26:26):
and you too have suffered,perhaps, um, and your suffering
continues until you startshedding some light on that
suffering.
You can get better, you will getbetter, but it's not going to
happen quickly, immediately.
It's gonna happen with a lot ofwork and a lot of evaluation and
(26:47):
kind of delving into the realissues.
So don't be afraid to do that,please.
Wow, that was quick.
Seemed like it was quick to me.
Um, I hope you enjoyed thisepisode of Doc Jacques, your
addiction lifeguard.
I am Dr.
Jockey Brukert, your addictionlifeguard.
If you want to reach out to me,you can you can reach me on my
(27:07):
website, wellspringmindbody.com,and send me a message.
If you like this podcast, pleaselike and share the podcast.
If you have suggestions that youhave for me or questions, please
reach out to me.
And if nothing else, please.
This is not treatment.
This is just conversation aboutgetting treatment.
Go get treatment, check into arehab, go to IoT, go to PHP, go
(27:32):
to a therapist, go to something.
There's no point in you anywayto stay treatment.
That's crazy.
So until next time, this is Dr.
Jacques, your addictionlifeguard, saying see ya.
I'm again for Dr.
Addiction Lifeguard Podcast.
I am Dr.
Jockey Burger, a psychologist,licensed professional counselor,
and addiction specialist.
You are suffering fromaddiction, misery, trauma,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help, try toget your life back together.
Join me here at Dr.
(00:21):
Addiction Life Guard, theAddiction Recovery Podcast.
(01:11):
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:37):
Today, we're talking aboutsomething you may know all too
well.
Why you're trying to hide youraddiction even from the people
who love you the most.
That's the topic for today.
Hiding your addiction in plainsight.
So the problem with addiction isthat it fills you with all kinds
(01:58):
of feelings about yourself andabout other people, and and you
get all dysregulated.
And so there's this thing thathappens where you start hiding.
You know, I've used the phrase amillion times in these podcasts.
Addic uh isolation isaddiction's best friend.
And you know what addictionteaches you is to survive in the
shadows.
(02:18):
You need to build a secret lifebecause part of you believes
exposure equals destruction.
You know, that's that's whatyour twisted mind thinks.
So you might have two versionsof yourself, the one that
everyone sees and the one that'scarrying the addiction.
So they become almost like thesedual personalities you you
exhibit.
(02:39):
And the the the brain sphere andthe reward system push for
secrecy, you know, it's based onthis premise that if they find
out, I lose everything.
And if I hide it, I keep using,I can use all I want.
And that's why addiction itneeds a friend, and that friend
is isolation.
So hiding, isolation byyourself.
(03:00):
But hiding comes with a cost.
You know, it slowly disconnectsyou from everyone and
everything.
And over time, you start to losethat connection, you start to
delve more and more into youryour addiction.
So it just becomes this horribleself-feeding problem.
And you know, the issues arereally kind of made worse by the
(03:21):
feelings of um shame andembarrassment.
So shame is like the the poison,right?
But it's it's disguised asprotection.
You think that you're protectingyourself from the shame, but the
shame is the poison disguised asprotection.
So the other the other feelingthat's attached to it in that
(03:43):
self-judgment realm is guilt.
And guilt's a funny one becauseit it's telling you I did
something wrong.
But shame says I I am somethingwrong.
So guilt is not something youfeel necessarily, you move
towards shame, and that's whyit's poisonous.
It's that belief that fuels yourneed to keep the secret.
(04:06):
You tell yourself, if theyreally knew me, they'd walk
away.
Thus you have shame.
And the guilt that happens uh atthe same time, but it's not the
dominant thing.
That guilt is that you feel badabout this, and you feel bad
about the loss of therelationships, but shame just
wipes all that out becauseyou're afraid that they they're
(04:28):
really gonna find out who youare, and then they'd walk away.
So maybe that shame startedalong before the drugs and and
the alcohol, maybe from traumaor failure or rejection, it
still bleeds in under thesurface.
And that is why when people arefeeling badly, um, it's my
experience tells me it's alwaystrauma-based.
(04:51):
It's always trauma-based.
And it doesn't matter if it's inchildhood or maybe later on,
something you've done orsomething that happened to you,
somebody something somebody didto you.
And so that rejection thatyou're fearing, that that
rejection of that that trauma,that and that, and that failure.
Maybe you failed miserably atsomething, you failed at your
marriage, or you failed at youknow uh something at work, or
(05:14):
you failed in your business, orit could be anything.
And again, we go back to if theyreally knew who you were, they'd
walk away.
That's your fear.
And and the fear of consequenceswhen exposure happens, um, the
you know, really moves youtowards that isolation.
You're scared, you're scared ofrejection, you're scared of
judgment, losing your job, yourfamily, maybe your reputation.
(05:38):
So you tell yourself, I'll stopbefore it gets bad.
You know, bad is very, verysubjective, it's not objective.
Or they wouldn't understand.
So if you if you get exposed,people wouldn't understand.
Those fears are real, but theyalso keep you trapped in that
(05:59):
same loop.
You're stuck in that hamsterwheel.
And what you don't realize isthat hiding the problem usually
creates the very losses thatyou're trying to prevent.
And when you have those losses,and maybe they even start
mounting up.
Many of my clients will haveexamples where they lost uh
(06:19):
their marriage because they losttheir job and it weighed on them
so heavily that they lostidentity attached to the job and
now they don't know who theyare, and they start acting out.
And maybe they're already havesome some addiction issues, but
now the drinking or the drugsreally kick in.
And so you don't realize thatwhen you're hiding that problem,
(06:40):
no, and for men it's it'sparticularly problematic, but
for women too, they can they canhave this um issue of it it's
creating the very loss thatyou're trying to prevent.
You don't want to disconnectfrom people, and you feel
lonely, you feel isolated, youfeel lonely, and your
embarrassment and your shamekind of feeds into that.
So the denial and theself-deception that goes on when
(07:04):
you're engaged in this process,so before you lie to others, you
have to start lying to yourself.
And we all know what that lookslike.
This isn't really that big of aproblem, or I'm gonna I'm it
didn't really happen.
I get a lot of that too.
Like that didn't really happen.
Um, it's it's really interestingwhen I'm talking to clients and
(07:24):
they they move into that um withtheir usage.
It's like I didn't really dothat.
And I have to pry stuff out ofpeople sometimes about their
usage.
They they really minimize what'sgoing on.
You minimize the effect, youminimize the usage.
I'm not I you know, I only useon the weekends, and you you
(07:47):
compare.
There's a lot of comparison thatgoes on.
At least I'm not as bad as him.
And that goes on uh even whenI'm trying to get people to go
in to get help and get into therecovery community.
They look around the room,they're like, I'm not like these
people.
You know, some of them havethese horror stories.
That's that's the term that getsyou used a lot, is horror
stories.
And I hear that, you know, it'sshe's man, there's some really
(08:09):
bad ones out there, you know.
I at least I'm not as bad asthat guy, or not as bad as that
woman.
She really she blew her life up.
Understand that addiction is aspectrum disorder.
You don't start out mainliningheroin or you know, snorting
cocaine every day, or drinking afifth of vodka every day.
(08:29):
You don't start out there,that's where you end up, but
that's not where you start.
And and so, with that, with thatminimizing, denial becomes your
comfort zone because it keepsthe illusion alive.
It keeps that illusion of it'snot really that big of a
problem.
And that it's almost like thatthat schizophrenic, like, you
know, I'm here, I'm seeing, I'mliving in one world, but I'm the
(08:51):
reality is there's a wholedifferent world here.
Um, but those illusions, theydon't they don't float, they
sink you.
Just like a lifeguard ignoresthe undertow.
So you you just it'll sink you,you know.
If you're a lifeguard and you'regoing out and you're swimming
out to get somebody and there'san undertow, it might drag you
down, might drag you away.
(09:12):
You have to be aware of what'sgoing on.
You have to be really facingthat that truth.
That's what keeps you from goingunder.
The truth, that that truth oflike really what am I?
And that's that breakthroughthat we have when we realize
we've just our life has becomeunmanageable.
Step one, right?
My life has become unmanageable.
So what you know, what are youdoing when you're doing all this
(09:34):
stuff?
When you're making stuff up,you're minimizing, you're
isolating, you're you'reprotecting the addiction.
So the enemy is is is got you inthis addiction cycle and the
state of addiction, and then youstart protecting it, even though
that that's something that youlike.
I'm all conflicted because Iwant to get rid of this.
(09:56):
So you might not realize it, butyou built this relationship with
your addiction, and that'sreally what the enemy wants you
to do.
The enemy wants you to have arelationship with addiction, and
it's like a dysfunctional, um,abusive domestic relationship
where one spouse is beating theother, but you're trying to
build that relationship withsomebody that's beating you, and
(10:17):
they, you know, they want toharm you, but it comforts you,
it numbs you, it demands yourloyalty, and you defend it like
it's a friend or a spouse or alover.
And it's all it's all bad.
Every every lie, every coverstory, every excuse is really
about protecting youraddiction's survival.
(10:38):
And I say that in these in thesepodcasts, don't end your life by
trying to save your addiction.
But while you protect it, it'squietly destroying you from the
inside out.
I know what that feels like.
I I've lived that, and I knowwhat you feel like when you're
there.
It's you feel like you're dying,and you can you can feel it, you
(10:59):
know, it's not from the outside,it's from the inside.
And you're that's what you'redoing.
You're you're protecting thatfrom happening to you.
So the shame so let's talk abouta couple things.
One one the shame loop.
What the this this endless cycleof engaging in something that's
trying to kill you.
So here's how the cycle worksyou use and then you feel
(11:24):
ashamed, and the shame causesyou to isolate and hide, and
then you feel bad, so you useagain.
Now you may be using because youyou have some other thing that
you're trying not to feel, butthis is the cycle.
So you're you're using, you feelshame, you hide, you isolate,
(11:45):
then you use again.
And that that loop, that that'sa trap.
That's a prison.
And the and this is this is whenyou know that the enemy has
really got their hooks in you.
Um you're trapped, and you feelit.
I I can remember feeling likethat.
I just I just wanted to get out,but I couldn't because I was
(12:05):
stuck in this prison.
And that's when you that's whenI start hearing words like, you
don't know what it's like, youdon't know what I'm going
through.
And most people don't, butthat's because you're isolating
and you're quiet about it.
But you're mad about the factthat they don't understand.
So breaking that cycle, breakingthat shame loop takes courage
(12:26):
and compassion for yourself, andthat's what we don't have when
we're caught in that addiction.
People who are caught inaddiction, they feel this
self-loathing, this really angryupset about themselves.
So you it really takes a lot ofcourage and compassion.
Compassion, love for yourself,extending grace to yourself, not
(12:50):
self-hatred.
So recovery begins when you stoprunning from the truth and you
start letting the light inthrough honesty, therapy,
accountability, connection inthe community, the recovery
community.
This is why it's so important toget involved in groups.
And you know, if it's Iop orit's AA or NA or it's Al Anon or
(13:16):
it's something, right?
You gotta get in that group.
Get in the group so that you'renot isolating.
But when you get there, you haveto be honest.
And again, I'm gonna go back tothe well, at least I'm not as
bad as her or I'm not as bad ashim.
You gotta get away from that.
You start looking at yourself,and that's and then the other
part of it is theaccountability.
Because if you're working with asponsor, and that's really what
(13:37):
you should be doing in in theA's, is you should be making
yourself accountable and feelingthe connection.
So you have to let people in.
And so what so if you can getout of the sh out of the shame
loop, um, it's it's gonna getyou there quicker, it's gonna
(13:58):
get you there better.
So if you understand that truth,it's there's freedom there, but
it's painful.
I'm gonna be honest with you,it's really painful, you know.
Um if it if anybody has evergone to residential treatment
and you sat in these rooms within groups, and there's that
moment of breakthrough wheresomebody is actually realizing,
(14:18):
oh my gosh, I am I am so sad,and you and and you become super
emotional.
I've heard stories of peoplethat had these breakthroughs,
and it could be in a residentialtreatment program, it could be
in an AA meeting, it could bewith your sponsor, it could be,
you know, it's usually in thepresence of someone else because
that it's it's interesting.
(14:39):
Bearing witness to somebody whenthey're going through this is
very powerful and very, verydifficult.
You see them going through it,and you just, as an as somebody
in recovery and you're watchingsomebody go through that, you're
so filled with compassion andattachment to the person that's
going through this.
As the person who's goingthrough it, you feel ultimately
(14:59):
vulnerable, and you get thisflood of emotion that goes
through you where you areconnecting with the actual pain
that you've been existing in forso long, but not really
understanding that that's whatthat's what you've been feeling.
But it's this honest, brutalunderstanding of self,
connection with self.
(15:21):
And that's really, reallydifficult to experience.
It's difficult to witness, butit's more important that it be
witnessed because you need to beable to to understand that
people do get it.
And when you don't feel alone,you're gonna you're gonna have
somewhere to go with thisinstead of just being, you know,
(15:42):
isolated.
And you know, nobody is gonnawitness this and just pretend
like it, you know, didn't happenfive minutes later.
You're gonna feel support andlove and connectivity in a way
that's m that's very moving.
So what how do we know w what'sgoing on?
(16:03):
You know, as addicts, it is mit's almost impossible to have
true introspective thinking whenyou're using.
When you stop using, you becomevery dysregulated, and it's it's
very common.
Um so you you ask yourself,listen, I'm I'm saying to you,
(16:24):
ask yourself, am I becomingdefensive and secretive about my
use?
And you're listening to thispodcast, and you're and you're
you know, you're obviouslylistening because you have have
issues or have had issues.
Honesty is the the light.
You move to the light, like Iunderstand the truth.
Am I becoming defensive?
Am I am I am I lying to otherpeople?
(16:45):
Am I lying to myself even aboutmy usage?
Do I hide money or time orbehavior from people close to
me?
Do I make up excuses?
Do I come up withrationalizations why I didn't
show up or why I'm late or youknow, why I didn't turn in this
report or that work or why Istood somebody up on some social
(17:08):
event or a date or something?
Am I hiding money and time?
Money being like, am I am Iopening up I had one guy who
opened up a separate checkingaccount and he would funnel
money into it so that he couldbuy with a debit card so his
wife couldn't see the purchasesat at the uh the liquor store,
the ABC store.
(17:28):
Uh a time, you know, excuses.
I hear, oh my gosh, I hear somany excuses coming from people.
Where were you yesterday?
Oh, I was here, I was, you know,I was I was delayed, my, you
know, my I had a flat tire, I mycar wouldn't start, I, you know,
I oh, I wasn't feeling well.
It's time the or behavior, youknow.
Wow, you seem really edgy, youseem really short.
(17:51):
Why are you so argumentativenow?
Like, and it's because you'reyou need to use and you have it,
and you're going throughwithdrawal.
Um, or or maybe you're just youknow, you've had a few too many,
or maybe you went into thebathroom and and did a bump real
quick and you come out andyou're super talkative, you're
super um, like almost manicallyenergized, and and people are
(18:13):
aware of this, like they seethis, and so you're you you're
lying to people about it, youknow.
Oh, it's oh I, you know, it's amedication I was taking, or you
know, I whatever.
All right.
So do you feel constant anxietyabout being found out?
Is that a concern for you?
Like you were genuinely freakedout about your somebody's gonna
find out that you're using.
(18:34):
Now, this can happen indifferent different uh in
different phases.
It could be, you know, you'vejust been using and ramping up
over time, and then people aregonna, you're afraid people are
gonna find out that you've beenusing more.
Um, another scenario is youstopped using for three months
or five months or six months,and you got to that six that
(18:54):
deadly six month mark, and thenyou started using again.
That's shameful, right?
I mean, that's how you feelshame about that.
Um, so are you afraid aboutbeing f found out?
So let me go over these again.
Are you becoming defensive orsecretive about your use?
Are you hiding money, time, andbehavior problems um from people
(19:19):
close to you that are concernedabout you?
Do you feel constant anxietyabout being found out?
Those are the warning signs thatthe addiction is in control, not
you.
Addiction has taken a hold ofyou and it's making you a liar
and a manipulator and adeceiver.
(19:40):
So observation is the firststep.
Observe, don't absorb yourshame.
You know, you've heard me saythat phrase, wow, uh observe,
don't absorb.
Well, this is about your ownshame.
Observe it.
I'm saying to you, this may bean issue, and hopefully you're
in a situation, this is why it'simportant to be working with
(20:02):
others in recovery.
Are you are you observing thatyou're saying it?
Yeah, I'm this is this is thepoint of like in when you go to
AA, those of you don't know, youstand up and you say something,
and there's no crosstalk.
People can't respond to youdirectly, they can't criticize
you or comment about whateveryou're saying.
So if if you say it out loud,you say, I lied to my husband
(20:26):
because I went out with somegirlfriends and I drank.
Okay, you're listening this isyou being honest, right?
So you're not absorbing theshame.
You're just saying it out loud.
You're saying it in a in an AAmeeting, and nobody's
everybody's just looking at youwith a lot of feeling.
You know, you're feeling it.
See, so see what's really goingon without judgment, seeing it.
(20:51):
See what's really going onwithout judgment for you, your
own critical judgment.
And and when you get to thepoint where you can actually
engage in that healing process,it's the beginnings of this.
Like my life has becomeunmanageable.
This is out of control.
I am so dysregulated.
Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
(21:12):
Understand, like I said before,addiction is a spectrum, right?
You start out with very littleusage, and the end stage is I'm,
you know, I've got hep C and myI've got uh jaundice and uh my
liver's failing and I'mhomeless.
That's the that's the extremeend of it.
So what's the the the what's thefirst step?
(21:35):
Well, the first step towardhealing is truth.
Understand the truth, the truthwill set you free.
I'm gonna paraphrase some somescripture from the the New
Testament.
Understand the truth, the truthwill set you free.
I know we're talking not talkingabout Jesus, but we're talking
about your truth.
I am an addict, I am helplesswith this, I am overcome by
(21:58):
this.
That's the first step.
Life, my my life has becomeunmanageable.
You don't need to tell everyoneright now, just start by being
honest with yourself.
That's where it starts.
Like, I that's what happens whenpeople come into my office.
They come in and I say, What canI do for you?
You're here.
So what's going on?
And they they say, Well, I thinkI might have a problem.
(22:21):
And I say, Okay, well, you wantto talk about it?
And kind of throws them offbecause they think I'm just
gonna pry right into it.
And it's like, no.
Um, no, I'm gonna ask you, doyou want to talk about it?
And you know, do you sometimesit's the third, fourth, fifth
session before somebody actuallysays, Well, you know, I told you
it was alcohol, but really it'sactually a lot worse than that.
They need to test the water, soto speak, about, you know, can I
(22:44):
trust this guy that I'm talkingto that I don't know?
But honesty breaks that thatchain of shame.
Light dissolves secrecy.
It's kind of like I've alwaysyou know said in the past, it's
like a dark room that's gotcockroaches and and mice running
around and it's in the kitchen,and you turn the light on, what
happens?
Well, all the cockroaches wantto run away.
(23:06):
They don't want to be seen, theydon't want to be in that room.
They don't, you know, so lightdissolves the secrecy, it makes
it go away.
The truth is, this is going tokill you, and it's destructive
in your life, and you're losingthings, and you didn't really
want to lose them.
So you may, but you may losesome things when the truth comes
out, but you'll finally startgaining your life back, and
(23:28):
that's really what this isabout.
It's like get your life back.
We suffer in silence, we sufferin secrecy.
Well, the suffering, the it'snot the suffering that you're
gonna tackle right away, it'sthe secrecy part, not the
suffering.
The suffering happens, the thethe ending of the suffering
(23:50):
happens when the secrecy ends.
So remember, you know, thelifeguard rule that I've told
you about don't drown trying toum rescue somebody.
Well, in this one, it's don'tdon't drown trying to hide.
That's crazy.
You gotta reach out for help,you gotta engage in that process
of help.
So when you're trying to figureout what the first step is for
(24:14):
you in recovery, if you'retrying to get there, or or if
you've been struggling with it,I'm telling you, my experience
of doing this for 20 plus yearsis start telling the truth.
And the truth starts with you,and then you be able to say it
to somebody else.
And I, you know, my ownprejudicial view is it's helpful
(24:34):
to have a well-trained therapistwho understands and has trained
in treatment of addiction as aspecialty because there, you
know, the truth that you'respeaking, you know, in all
likelihood, the person you'retalking to is also in recovery.
Many people who uh go into aspecialty with addiction, it's
because they understand it andthey feel tremendous amount of
(24:57):
compassion for those who aresuffering from addiction as
well.
So it it it but it doesn't haveto be a therapist.
Um, it could be a friend or itcould be some a sponsor.
Um, well, you wouldn't have asponsor if you'd seen that I
guess in a meeting.
Walk into the meeting, man.
It's the scariest thing in theworld that first time you walk
into a meeting.
It feels probably like totaldefeat, total, total um, I've
(25:21):
lost my mind, and I don't evenbelong here.
I don't even know why I'm here,but I do know why I'm here.
I mean, it's very scary thefirst time you go to a meeting.
I'm not gonna kid you, but it'simportant.
And so being able to be honestwith yourself really it's much
more effective if you're honestwith yourself in the presence of
someone else.
(25:42):
So find somewhere where you canstart to engage in that.
You can engage in some truth,and the truth will set you free.
The enemy wants you to loseeverything, and it wants to
destroy as many people aroundyou as possible before it
ultimately kills you.
And that would be a tremendousshame.
(26:03):
There's been so many people, andit's accelerating because of
fentanyl and because of otherdrugs, but the losses, you know,
I just in my life, um the thethe losses I've suffered with
the people of friends, people Iloved, people I cared about,
they're dead because of overdoseor addiction-related stuff.
But you think about the peoplein your life that have suffered,
(26:26):
and you too have suffered,perhaps, um, and your suffering
continues until you startshedding some light on that
suffering.
You can get better, you will getbetter, but it's not going to
happen quickly, immediately.
It's gonna happen with a lot ofwork and a lot of evaluation and
(26:47):
kind of delving into the realissues.
So don't be afraid to do that,please.
Wow, that was quick.
Seemed like it was quick to me.
Um, I hope you enjoyed thisepisode of Doc Jacques, your
addiction lifeguard.
I am Dr.
Jockey Brukert, your addictionlifeguard.
If you want to reach out to me,you can you can reach me on my
(27:07):
website, wellspringmindbody.com,and send me a message.
If you like this podcast, pleaselike and share the podcast.
If you have suggestions that youhave for me or questions, please
reach out to me.
And if nothing else, please.
This is not treatment.
This is just conversation aboutgetting treatment.
Go get treatment, check into arehab, go to IoT, go to PHP, go
(27:32):
to a therapist, go to something.
There's no point in you anywayto stay treatment.
That's crazy.
So until next time, this is Dr.
Jacques, your addictionlifeguard, saying see ya.
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