July 3, 2025 • 26 mins
Learn why isolation is so commonly used by addicts to make it possible to increase their usage of their substance of choice.
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SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction
lifeguard podcast.
I am Dr.
Jock DeBerker, a psychologist,licensed professional counselor,
and addiction specialist.
If you are suffering fromaddiction, misery, trauma,
whatever it is, I'm here tohelp.
If you're in search of help totry to get your life back
together, join me here at DocJock, your addiction lifeguard,
(00:22):
the addiction recovery podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for it is intended forentertainment and informational
(00:44):
purposes but not considered helpif you actually need real help
and you're in need of helpplease seek that out if you're
in dire need of help you can goto your nearest emergency room
or you can check into a rehabcenter or call a counselor like
me and talk about your problemsand work through them but don't
rely on a podcast to be thatform of help it's not it's just
(01:07):
a the podcast it's forentertainment and information
only so let's keep it in thatlight all right have a good time
learn something and then get thereal help that you need from a
professional It's been justabout a little over a month
(01:38):
since my last podcast.
And the reason for that is I'vebeen super busy writing a book
and I'm trying to get it done.
So I apologize for my listenerswho have not heard me for a
month.
And if you have ever tried towrite something of any size, it
(02:01):
seems like, you know, if youhave an interest in an area or
you have some expertise orsomething you talk about it like
I do all the time all day longand on podcasts and whatever
that it would be easy to put itdown on paper but in fact I have
discovered it is quitecomplicated much more
complicated than perhaps I hadanticipated so hopefully I'll be
(02:25):
getting that done soon so againI apologize for not doing my
podcast so let's get into atopic and the one that I wanted
to talk about was something thatI've run into a couple of times
in the last month well more thana couple times actually been
every week multiple times a weekover the last month and that is
(02:48):
what happens when somebody isfalling into their addiction so
as I you know I've used theseterms before the civilians right
the non the non addicts outthere the civilians as opposed
to us professionals so thecivilians out there don't really
understand the whole the conceptof isolation and as i have said
(03:09):
over and over again in thesepodcasts um isolation is
addiction's best friend you seewhen normal people civilians
drink or they um no let's juststick with drinking if they
drink they have a drink and theyput it down and they are usually
doing it around other peoplemaybe they might have you know a
cocktail of something whenthey're watching a television
(03:32):
show or something on their ownbut for the most part People who
are civilians, they're going todrink probably with other
people.
And we certainly see that inadvertising, right?
You get together with yourfriends, you have a drink, and
everything's great.
But see, that's not howprofessionals do it.
They might have a chemical ofchoice with other people, but
(03:53):
they're going to keep it inmoderation for the most part.
Contrary to what you see onYouTube videos and TikTok videos
and Instagram stuff, you know,oh, the person falling down
drunk and you know ha ha ha butyou know the thing I noticed
about the people that are doingthat they seem to be pretty well
put together I was just watchinga video on I think it was on
(04:15):
YouTube it was little shorts oflike people who were falling
down because they were drunkdoing stupid things because they
were drunk I could tell when Ilooked at that of the I don't
say 12 little short you know 10second clips of people falling
down or whatever I could tell bylooking at them that There
wasn't a single one of them thatwas an alcoholic.
(04:37):
They were put together.
They were walking around withother people.
And they were conductingthemselves just the way they
moved.
You couldn't hear what they weresaying as they were doing
whatever they were doing,falling in a bush or whatever.
But these are people that arecivilians.
They are not professionals.
They are with alcohol.
(04:58):
They were drunk and they weredoing something stupid.
But you could tell.
They're not alcoholics.
They're normal professionals.
people who just drank too muchand they can't handle it.
So what do we do?
What do professionals do whenthey're using?
They use privately.
They do it in private.
They do it solo.
(05:19):
The best drinking, the best useof weed, the best heroin,
cocaine, whatever.
They're going to do it inisolation.
But why?
And that's what came up withthese conversations I've had
with people who are most of themwere reaching out to me seeking
help for other people.
(05:40):
I talked to a gentleman on thephone for about 20 minutes and
he could not get his arms aroundthe idea that his loved one was
doing something and he wasn'tsure that it had gotten to an
extreme.
However, he described all thesethings around the behaviors that
(06:00):
are indicative of somebody whois an alcoholic.
And that is, you know,performance at work, the
relationship issues fallingapart, the absence at family
functions.
And I asked him, so in thisconversation when he's looking
for help, I said, well, okay, soyou're telling me all these
(06:20):
things that are just typical forsomebody who has an addiction
problem.
How often do you see this lovedone?
And he said, oh, I see him maybefour times a year.
I'm like, oh, okay, so youactually don't have eyes on him.
How many, so five years ago, howoften did you see him?
Oh, I'd see him, you know, everymonth.
(06:45):
Okay, well, why don't you seehim with the same frequency?
And he said, oh, he's busy.
And I was like, yeah, he's busydrinking and he doesn't want you
to see it.
And he's putting up all thesesmoke and mirrors to confuse
you.
So he's isolating.
And it took me a while ofexplaining it for him to realize
(07:06):
that perhaps he was isolatingbut even then he didn't fully
buy into it he just kept withthe story of he's busy he just
got divorced he's havingproblems at work he's not
talking to relatives he's beenoppositional about any hinting
of the fact that there's aproblem with drinking he's very
(07:26):
oppositional about that verballyand you don't think he has a
drinking problem and it's likethe the isolation is the biggest
clue there.
People who are slipping furtherinto their addiction, they don't
want to hear the noise comingout of your mouth when you're
complaining about what'shappening.
(07:47):
And I'm telling you from 20 plusyears of experience in working
with addicts, isolation isexactly what they do when
they're escalating 100% of thetime.
Back in the 70s, there was thismovie was called Arthur and in
(08:07):
it the actor Dudley Moore playeda gentleman who was super
wealthy he was a trust fund babyand he had become an adult and
he was in his he looked like hewas probably in his 40s early
40s I'd say and he was this kindof very affable friendly very
(08:27):
charismatic harmless because hewas always having a good time he
was laughing and it was funnyand he was but he was fall down
drunk every day.
And he meets this woman, LizaMinnelli.
And I can't remember their, hisname was Arthur in the movie.
I can't remember what her namewas, but it was the actress, uh,
Liza Minnelli.
And she falls in love withArthur.
(08:49):
And every day he gets up, he hasnothing to do except be in this
big giant mansion house with amanservant and a driver.
And he has nothing to do all dayexcept drink.
So that's what he does.
And he doesn't does it verypublicly, which I thought was
kind of interesting because, youknow, in the 70s, perhaps they
(09:09):
thought that, you know, and itwas, well, first of all, it was
a movie that was supposed to behumorous, right?
So it's really funny watchingArthur laughing and giggling all
the time, drunk, stumblingaround.
You know, at the time, I was ateenager, a late teenager when
it came out.
I was like, oh, okay, well,that's kind of funny.
(09:30):
However, I was growing up in ahome full of, you know, that two
parents who were alcoholics andfor me the alcoholism was a
freaking nightmare but I'mwatching this movie and I
thought oh this is kind of funnyand I thought it was funny at
the time but then again now thatI look back at it it's like it
wasn't funny um so you couldn'tmake that movie today I don't
(09:51):
think you really could umbecause it's just it's not funny
it's not okay to just be falldown drunk and make light of it
all the time uh that So what washe not doing?
He was being portrayed as notbeing isolated.
(10:11):
He was not isolating.
His majordomo guy, who was hismanservant, was always an older
man, was always around, kind ofwatching over him.
But he didn't isolate.
In reality, he isolates.
Now, there's two things aboutisolation.
One is it's self-imposed, andthat's certainly part of it.
(10:32):
But the other part of it is,it's because people don't like
being around somebody who's highor drunk all the time.
And if you're listening to thisand you're an addict, you may
take offense to that, but youknow what?
Nobody wants to see you whenyou're that way.
And that is a key part of thisbecause, uh, you know, you're,
there's all kinds of jackasserygoing on and nobody wants to see
(10:53):
it.
Nobody wants to be subjected toit.
The crazy mood swings, thepotent, in some cases,
potentially violent behaviorbeing directed at them by the
addict who's high.
The, unreliability it's asocially awkward thing to have
somebody that's really high ordrunk around you when you're not
and you're in public nobodywants to be around that so some
(11:15):
of it is self-imposed isolationbut part of it is also a kind of
rejection of of the person whichin the case with the man on the
phone who's talking to me thethe father of this this
gentleman he didn't like thefact that this was going on and
i hear this with people all thetime especially parents who have
(11:35):
you know middle-aged children toup into their 50s and the
parents are wringing their handsabout what to do and they deny
the the isolation thing theydon't think it's an issue but
yet they've been experiencing itin an ever-increasing amount as
that person slides further andfurther into addiction so
isolation is addictions bestfriend and it's where addiction
(11:59):
starts to really kind offlourish it grows it grows it
grows in that isolation becausethere's nobody there to say hey
man this is not okay or I don'tlike that or I'm leaving because
you are too drunk or you're justpassing out or you're not
showing up it doesn't you knowit does there's nobody there to
say hey that's not okay andthat's by design that's on
(12:22):
purpose people do not want tohear that so they will eliminate
those who can give that voice tothat objection to the addiction
and that's why isolation is abest friend and so when you're
around somebody who has anaddiction problem you'll notice
that they start slipping awayfrom you you're seeing them less
and less and less when you dosee them it's for shorter
(12:45):
periods of time there's lots ofexcuses for getting out because
they want to leave and go useand so they will make an
appearance you hear that a lotlike yeah I made an appearance
yeah you showed up for like 20minutes but it was a dinner
party and you didn't have dinneroh well I had other things to do
that's what you start hearinglike there's other there's
(13:07):
always other things going on butthere is nothing else going on
it's just escape and so theisolation I'm leaving because
you know and and sometimes whatpeople will do is they will come
up with some these false reasonsfor leaving these oh I don't
like what you're telling meyou're being you know you're
(13:27):
being mean to me and it could beabout anything not about
addiction but about anything andthat's the somehow They
construct some kind of situationwhere they can make their exit
so they can go get high ordrunk.
I've witnessed situations whenmy children were younger.
I remember there was a situationwhere there was a woman whose
(13:49):
husband I noticed over theyears.
It was a baseball game and mykid played Little League for
years.
And I knew these people and Isaw this guy becoming more and
more involved in alcohol.
Until the point where there wasthe mom would show up with the
(14:10):
three kids, one playingbaseball, two others that were
younger.
And the younger kids were likefive and seven or something like
that.
And her older son was my son'sage.
And at the time, I think it waslike nine or 10.
I could see that she wouldstiffen when he would show up at
these baseball games during theevenings, during the week.
And then on Saturdays, I noticedhe never came at all.
(14:33):
but during the weekday like anynormal father would do he gets
off work he's a white collarworker he's got his suit and tie
so he's taking his jacket offmaybe he's got his tie on but
she would stiffen when he wouldshow up because it was so
unpredictable in his behaviorsand I remember one particular
day it was a it was an afterwork game so it was probably
(14:57):
either on a Tuesday or Thursdaywhich is when most of the games
were played that I attended thatyear and I remember he showed up
he was late he showed up and itwas the into the second inning
of the game and I could see thatshe was sitting on the bleachers
probably 10 feet from me I couldsee her stiffen she was
(15:20):
stiffening as he was walking upand he comes up and he walks up
and he sits down and he wasclearly drunk I could tell most
people probably would not havenoticed easily but I because of
my profession I could tell andhe sat down and she said hello
and he said hello and he didn'tacknowledge his two children
(15:43):
that were running around as kidsdo when their siblings are
playing a sport they were kindof running around he didn't
acknowledge them he sat downnext to his wife she could
immediately tell he was drunk ashe was walking up she could also
tell that his drinking hadstarted now what time of day was
(16:04):
this it was about 545 maybe yeahlike 545 the game started at 530
I believe so about 15 minutesand he asked her he sat there
and then he asked her thequestion did he hit in the first
inning did our son was he at batand she's all flustered and she
(16:27):
said I'm not sure and she couldtell what he was doing was he
was starting to immediately rampup so that he could start a
fight and then leave and he gotmad at her because she didn't
know if he her son had been atbat and he asked her again and
(16:48):
she said I don't know and thenhe looks at the kid who's
playing on batting and it's forthe other team and so he's
looking at the team he doesn'teven know he can't even tell
where his son is on the field.
I remember he didn't know whatposition his son was playing.
Couldn't identify him on thefield.
(17:09):
And then he starts getting madat his wife because she doesn't
know.
And he starts kind of raisinghis voice.
Then he stands up towering overher and says, you know, I'm just
going to leave if you're goingto be like that.
And I'm paying attention tothis.
And she is embarrassed beyondbelief.
Can't believe that he's doingthat.
Nobody's really paying muchattention.
(17:30):
He's slowly escalating.
And she goes, no, no, that's I'msorry.
I was watching the kids.
I wasn't watching that closely.
I'm sorry.
Just sit down.
And he won't sit down.
And he goes, you know what?
This is just typical of you.
And then he storms off.
And he left.
Now, where is he going?
He's going home to drink.
And he was drunk when he gotthere, which means he's either
(17:52):
drinking in the car on the waythere or he stopped at the bar
or something on the way there.
You know, knocked back a fewcocktails and then showed up at
his kid's game and withinliterally within five minutes
he's arguing and i'm going tosay it was like eight minutes in
less than 10 he's gone and i sawher physically relax when he
(18:18):
left because she's like okaywell the storm has passed
through here and now he's goingto go home most likely that
would be my guess to drink nowthe problem is she knows that
she's probably going to run intoit when she gets home because
she can take the kids out to eatdinner after the game which I'm
(18:39):
guessing she probably did andshe can delay the return home
hoping that he's drank himselfinto a stupor and now he's
become harmless that's isolationand he used that excuse to
isolate he created conflictwhere there was none he engaged
in an argument where there wasno argument that needed to exist
(19:03):
because he wanted to leave to godrink and that's exactly what he
did so isolation is addiction'sbest friend and if you if you're
not isolated in the momentyou're going to create
situations where you can isolateand that's what that's what
people who have addiction do sothey become unreliable
inconsistent argumentativebelligerent verbally assaulting
(19:26):
people sometimes physicallyassaulting them but not in a
public setting usually becausethat can turn into a legal issue
so that's what he that's what hedid and that is a textbook
example of exactly what happenswhen people want to engage in
their addiction above all elseright so i don't care that my
(19:47):
son is playing baseball you knowthe thing about that situation
is i i attended every singlebaseball game my son had with
almost without exception therewere a couple of times when i
couldn't because of illness orsomething but I was always
there.
So I saw this progress over theyears.
And this poor woman, you know,hopefully that guy's gotten some
(20:12):
help.
It's been like probably 15 yearssince then.
I don't know, but be that as itmay.
You know, when isolation occurs,they'll take advantage of it.
When it's not available to them,they will create a situation
where they can isolate.
So when you're dealing withsomebody who has addiction, And
(20:33):
they are doing this.
It's not because they havegrowing anxiety or they're all
of a sudden became super busy.
It's because they're engaging intheir drug of choice and they
need to do it in isolation atthe levels that they're going to
do it.
So don't be mistaken intothinking that if you somehow say
(20:54):
to them, Hey, you know, youshould show up at these family
events that we, you know, peoplereally notice when you're not
there or, you know, when youdon't go to things, people, you
know, think, They don't care.
The person you're talking to,they don't care.
They just want to get high ordrunk.
That's all they care about.
So you're just talking.
It's just wind to the personwho's hearing it, the addict.
(21:19):
But understand what you'reseeing is one of the primary
indicators of an escalationwhere something has happened and
now usage has turned into abuseof that substance, whether it's
addiction dependence oraddiction abuse.
But isolation has caused them towant to engage in it more.
(21:41):
Now, I've been talking all thistime as if I'm talking to loved
ones.
Let me just say briefly topeople who have addiction, if
you are isolating all the time,that is a problem.
Your usage is escalating andbecoming a serious problem
(22:02):
because you are lying to thepeople that love you when they
ask you or inquire about howmuch you're using because you're
hiding how much you're using andyou're doing that because you
want to use more and more andmore so understand that when
you're doing that that's what'shappening to you what's the
(22:24):
opposite of addiction for meit's peace and it's hard to be
peaceful when you have no peoplearound so we get sober and clean
through connections throughrelationships and those
relationships are the ones thatcan help us continue staying in
that isolation so when you'reexperiencing your addiction and
(22:48):
you're isolating you got to getconnected to people because
you've been pushing a away,pulling away from people,
pushing away from pushing peopleaway and pulling away from
people yourself.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to work on ending of
that behavior.
And that's why it's important togo to meetings.
And, you know, as loved ones ofaddicts, it's important for you
(23:11):
to go to meetings, too, becauseyou're you're going to start
isolating to the woman that Iwas referring to in the story I
told you.
She felt very isolated becauseshe's embarrassed, ashamed, and
she doesn't know what to say.
She doesn't want her husband tobe an alcoholic and be that
abusive, crazy, drunken person,but she's not going to say that
to anybody.
(23:31):
So that's why it's important forpeople who are loved ones to
start going to Al-Anon so youcan start talking about those
things with your peers, otherpeople who get it because
they're living the same life.
It doesn't matter if it's drugsor alcohol.
Al-Anon is for the loved ones ofaddicts, period.
They don't have to bealcoholics, but they're just
addiction.
(23:51):
So go to Al-Anon and do the thatyou're asking the other person
to do, the addict, which is togo to meetings, one.
Two, start engaging in realityand life and engaging with other
people and get connected.
And three, start moving towardsrecovery.
So if you are a loved one of anaddict, you have to recover from
their addiction as much as theyhave to recover from their
(24:14):
addiction.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to get into those
groups.
Stop isolating.
What you're seeing in that otherperson that's the addict is the
isolation Well, you're doing ittoo, but you're doing it for a
different reason.
You're doing it because ofaddiction, but you're doing it
because of shame andembarrassment about somebody
else.
(24:34):
The addict is isolating becausethey just want to get high,
right?
So it's just a survival thingfor them, survival of their
addiction.
So don't let the enemy get afoothold in your life and then
slowly blow it apart becauseyou're engaging in the thing
that is the destruction.
And that's the old adage of theenemy of my enemies.
So if I can get you two to fightwith each other about, you know,
(24:57):
family circumstances or eventsor things that you do, and I can
get you to engage in thatisolation as an addict, I'm
going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
That's, you know, that's whataddiction does.
It like plants the seeds ofdoubt and destruction in your
lives and then just waters themand tends those fields so that
(25:19):
those seeds grow into plants,which turn into, you know,
massive amounts of destruction.
So find ways to heal and recoverand change the way that you're
existing in your lives so youcan become better people.
Well, that's this edition of DocShock, Your Addiction Lifeguard.
(25:42):
I hope you've enjoyed thispodcast.
If you have, please subscribeand like, and you can comment as
well.
I do appreciate the commentsthat you post about my podcast.
If you've got any suggestionsfor me, questions you can reach
out to me through my websitewellspringmindbody.com and if
you need help you can reach outto me I'll give you some
direction I'll give you someguidance and maybe I can even
(26:04):
work with you I don't know butwhatever it is listen it's not
worth ending your life to saveyour addiction so go out there
and start getting sober andclean go to a rehab go see a
counselor go to the rooms getinto AA NA any of the A's get
the help So until next time,this is Doc Jacques saying, see
(26:29):
ya.
It's time again for Doc Jock, your addiction
lifeguard podcast.
I am Dr.
Jock DeBerker, a psychologist,licensed professional counselor,
and addiction specialist.
If you are suffering fromaddiction, misery, trauma,
whatever it is, I'm here tohelp.
If you're in search of help totry to get your life back
together, join me here at DocJock, your addiction lifeguard,
(00:22):
the addiction recovery podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for it is intended forentertainment and informational
(00:44):
purposes but not considered helpif you actually need real help
and you're in need of helpplease seek that out if you're
in dire need of help you can goto your nearest emergency room
or you can check into a rehabcenter or call a counselor like
me and talk about your problemsand work through them but don't
rely on a podcast to be thatform of help it's not it's just
(01:07):
a the podcast it's forentertainment and information
only so let's keep it in thatlight all right have a good time
learn something and then get thereal help that you need from a
professional It's been justabout a little over a month
(01:38):
since my last podcast.
And the reason for that is I'vebeen super busy writing a book
and I'm trying to get it done.
So I apologize for my listenerswho have not heard me for a
month.
And if you have ever tried towrite something of any size, it
(02:01):
seems like, you know, if youhave an interest in an area or
you have some expertise orsomething you talk about it like
I do all the time all day longand on podcasts and whatever
that it would be easy to put itdown on paper but in fact I have
discovered it is quitecomplicated much more
complicated than perhaps I hadanticipated so hopefully I'll be
(02:25):
getting that done soon so againI apologize for not doing my
podcast so let's get into atopic and the one that I wanted
to talk about was something thatI've run into a couple of times
in the last month well more thana couple times actually been
every week multiple times a weekover the last month and that is
(02:48):
what happens when somebody isfalling into their addiction so
as I you know I've used theseterms before the civilians right
the non the non addicts outthere the civilians as opposed
to us professionals so thecivilians out there don't really
understand the whole the conceptof isolation and as i have said
(03:09):
over and over again in thesepodcasts um isolation is
addiction's best friend you seewhen normal people civilians
drink or they um no let's juststick with drinking if they
drink they have a drink and theyput it down and they are usually
doing it around other peoplemaybe they might have you know a
cocktail of something whenthey're watching a television
(03:32):
show or something on their ownbut for the most part People who
are civilians, they're going todrink probably with other
people.
And we certainly see that inadvertising, right?
You get together with yourfriends, you have a drink, and
everything's great.
But see, that's not howprofessionals do it.
They might have a chemical ofchoice with other people, but
(03:53):
they're going to keep it inmoderation for the most part.
Contrary to what you see onYouTube videos and TikTok videos
and Instagram stuff, you know,oh, the person falling down
drunk and you know ha ha ha butyou know the thing I noticed
about the people that are doingthat they seem to be pretty well
put together I was just watchinga video on I think it was on
(04:15):
YouTube it was little shorts oflike people who were falling
down because they were drunkdoing stupid things because they
were drunk I could tell when Ilooked at that of the I don't
say 12 little short you know 10second clips of people falling
down or whatever I could tell bylooking at them that There
wasn't a single one of them thatwas an alcoholic.
(04:37):
They were put together.
They were walking around withother people.
And they were conductingthemselves just the way they
moved.
You couldn't hear what they weresaying as they were doing
whatever they were doing,falling in a bush or whatever.
But these are people that arecivilians.
They are not professionals.
They are with alcohol.
(04:58):
They were drunk and they weredoing something stupid.
But you could tell.
They're not alcoholics.
They're normal professionals.
people who just drank too muchand they can't handle it.
So what do we do?
What do professionals do whenthey're using?
They use privately.
They do it in private.
They do it solo.
(05:19):
The best drinking, the best useof weed, the best heroin,
cocaine, whatever.
They're going to do it inisolation.
But why?
And that's what came up withthese conversations I've had
with people who are most of themwere reaching out to me seeking
help for other people.
(05:40):
I talked to a gentleman on thephone for about 20 minutes and
he could not get his arms aroundthe idea that his loved one was
doing something and he wasn'tsure that it had gotten to an
extreme.
However, he described all thesethings around the behaviors that
(06:00):
are indicative of somebody whois an alcoholic.
And that is, you know,performance at work, the
relationship issues fallingapart, the absence at family
functions.
And I asked him, so in thisconversation when he's looking
for help, I said, well, okay, soyou're telling me all these
(06:20):
things that are just typical forsomebody who has an addiction
problem.
How often do you see this lovedone?
And he said, oh, I see him maybefour times a year.
I'm like, oh, okay, so youactually don't have eyes on him.
How many, so five years ago, howoften did you see him?
Oh, I'd see him, you know, everymonth.
(06:45):
Okay, well, why don't you seehim with the same frequency?
And he said, oh, he's busy.
And I was like, yeah, he's busydrinking and he doesn't want you
to see it.
And he's putting up all thesesmoke and mirrors to confuse
you.
So he's isolating.
And it took me a while ofexplaining it for him to realize
(07:06):
that perhaps he was isolatingbut even then he didn't fully
buy into it he just kept withthe story of he's busy he just
got divorced he's havingproblems at work he's not
talking to relatives he's beenoppositional about any hinting
of the fact that there's aproblem with drinking he's very
(07:26):
oppositional about that verballyand you don't think he has a
drinking problem and it's likethe the isolation is the biggest
clue there.
People who are slipping furtherinto their addiction, they don't
want to hear the noise comingout of your mouth when you're
complaining about what'shappening.
(07:47):
And I'm telling you from 20 plusyears of experience in working
with addicts, isolation isexactly what they do when
they're escalating 100% of thetime.
Back in the 70s, there was thismovie was called Arthur and in
(08:07):
it the actor Dudley Moore playeda gentleman who was super
wealthy he was a trust fund babyand he had become an adult and
he was in his he looked like hewas probably in his 40s early
40s I'd say and he was this kindof very affable friendly very
(08:27):
charismatic harmless because hewas always having a good time he
was laughing and it was funnyand he was but he was fall down
drunk every day.
And he meets this woman, LizaMinnelli.
And I can't remember their, hisname was Arthur in the movie.
I can't remember what her namewas, but it was the actress, uh,
Liza Minnelli.
And she falls in love withArthur.
(08:49):
And every day he gets up, he hasnothing to do except be in this
big giant mansion house with amanservant and a driver.
And he has nothing to do all dayexcept drink.
So that's what he does.
And he doesn't does it verypublicly, which I thought was
kind of interesting because, youknow, in the 70s, perhaps they
(09:09):
thought that, you know, and itwas, well, first of all, it was
a movie that was supposed to behumorous, right?
So it's really funny watchingArthur laughing and giggling all
the time, drunk, stumblingaround.
You know, at the time, I was ateenager, a late teenager when
it came out.
I was like, oh, okay, well,that's kind of funny.
(09:30):
However, I was growing up in ahome full of, you know, that two
parents who were alcoholics andfor me the alcoholism was a
freaking nightmare but I'mwatching this movie and I
thought oh this is kind of funnyand I thought it was funny at
the time but then again now thatI look back at it it's like it
wasn't funny um so you couldn'tmake that movie today I don't
(09:51):
think you really could umbecause it's just it's not funny
it's not okay to just be falldown drunk and make light of it
all the time uh that So what washe not doing?
He was being portrayed as notbeing isolated.
(10:11):
He was not isolating.
His majordomo guy, who was hismanservant, was always an older
man, was always around, kind ofwatching over him.
But he didn't isolate.
In reality, he isolates.
Now, there's two things aboutisolation.
One is it's self-imposed, andthat's certainly part of it.
(10:32):
But the other part of it is,it's because people don't like
being around somebody who's highor drunk all the time.
And if you're listening to thisand you're an addict, you may
take offense to that, but youknow what?
Nobody wants to see you whenyou're that way.
And that is a key part of thisbecause, uh, you know, you're,
there's all kinds of jackasserygoing on and nobody wants to see
(10:53):
it.
Nobody wants to be subjected toit.
The crazy mood swings, thepotent, in some cases,
potentially violent behaviorbeing directed at them by the
addict who's high.
The, unreliability it's asocially awkward thing to have
somebody that's really high ordrunk around you when you're not
and you're in public nobodywants to be around that so some
(11:15):
of it is self-imposed isolationbut part of it is also a kind of
rejection of of the person whichin the case with the man on the
phone who's talking to me thethe father of this this
gentleman he didn't like thefact that this was going on and
i hear this with people all thetime especially parents who have
(11:35):
you know middle-aged children toup into their 50s and the
parents are wringing their handsabout what to do and they deny
the the isolation thing theydon't think it's an issue but
yet they've been experiencing itin an ever-increasing amount as
that person slides further andfurther into addiction so
isolation is addictions bestfriend and it's where addiction
(11:59):
starts to really kind offlourish it grows it grows it
grows in that isolation becausethere's nobody there to say hey
man this is not okay or I don'tlike that or I'm leaving because
you are too drunk or you're justpassing out or you're not
showing up it doesn't you knowit does there's nobody there to
say hey that's not okay andthat's by design that's on
(12:22):
purpose people do not want tohear that so they will eliminate
those who can give that voice tothat objection to the addiction
and that's why isolation is abest friend and so when you're
around somebody who has anaddiction problem you'll notice
that they start slipping awayfrom you you're seeing them less
and less and less when you dosee them it's for shorter
(12:45):
periods of time there's lots ofexcuses for getting out because
they want to leave and go useand so they will make an
appearance you hear that a lotlike yeah I made an appearance
yeah you showed up for like 20minutes but it was a dinner
party and you didn't have dinneroh well I had other things to do
that's what you start hearinglike there's other there's
(13:07):
always other things going on butthere is nothing else going on
it's just escape and so theisolation I'm leaving because
you know and and sometimes whatpeople will do is they will come
up with some these false reasonsfor leaving these oh I don't
like what you're telling meyou're being you know you're
(13:27):
being mean to me and it could beabout anything not about
addiction but about anything andthat's the somehow They
construct some kind of situationwhere they can make their exit
so they can go get high ordrunk.
I've witnessed situations whenmy children were younger.
I remember there was a situationwhere there was a woman whose
(13:49):
husband I noticed over theyears.
It was a baseball game and mykid played Little League for
years.
And I knew these people and Isaw this guy becoming more and
more involved in alcohol.
Until the point where there wasthe mom would show up with the
(14:10):
three kids, one playingbaseball, two others that were
younger.
And the younger kids were likefive and seven or something like
that.
And her older son was my son'sage.
And at the time, I think it waslike nine or 10.
I could see that she wouldstiffen when he would show up at
these baseball games during theevenings, during the week.
And then on Saturdays, I noticedhe never came at all.
(14:33):
but during the weekday like anynormal father would do he gets
off work he's a white collarworker he's got his suit and tie
so he's taking his jacket offmaybe he's got his tie on but
she would stiffen when he wouldshow up because it was so
unpredictable in his behaviorsand I remember one particular
day it was a it was an afterwork game so it was probably
(14:57):
either on a Tuesday or Thursdaywhich is when most of the games
were played that I attended thatyear and I remember he showed up
he was late he showed up and itwas the into the second inning
of the game and I could see thatshe was sitting on the bleachers
probably 10 feet from me I couldsee her stiffen she was
(15:20):
stiffening as he was walking upand he comes up and he walks up
and he sits down and he wasclearly drunk I could tell most
people probably would not havenoticed easily but I because of
my profession I could tell andhe sat down and she said hello
and he said hello and he didn'tacknowledge his two children
(15:43):
that were running around as kidsdo when their siblings are
playing a sport they were kindof running around he didn't
acknowledge them he sat downnext to his wife she could
immediately tell he was drunk ashe was walking up she could also
tell that his drinking hadstarted now what time of day was
(16:04):
this it was about 545 maybe yeahlike 545 the game started at 530
I believe so about 15 minutesand he asked her he sat there
and then he asked her thequestion did he hit in the first
inning did our son was he at batand she's all flustered and she
(16:27):
said I'm not sure and she couldtell what he was doing was he
was starting to immediately rampup so that he could start a
fight and then leave and he gotmad at her because she didn't
know if he her son had been atbat and he asked her again and
(16:48):
she said I don't know and thenhe looks at the kid who's
playing on batting and it's forthe other team and so he's
looking at the team he doesn'teven know he can't even tell
where his son is on the field.
I remember he didn't know whatposition his son was playing.
Couldn't identify him on thefield.
(17:09):
And then he starts getting madat his wife because she doesn't
know.
And he starts kind of raisinghis voice.
Then he stands up towering overher and says, you know, I'm just
going to leave if you're goingto be like that.
And I'm paying attention tothis.
And she is embarrassed beyondbelief.
Can't believe that he's doingthat.
Nobody's really paying muchattention.
(17:30):
He's slowly escalating.
And she goes, no, no, that's I'msorry.
I was watching the kids.
I wasn't watching that closely.
I'm sorry.
Just sit down.
And he won't sit down.
And he goes, you know what?
This is just typical of you.
And then he storms off.
And he left.
Now, where is he going?
He's going home to drink.
And he was drunk when he gotthere, which means he's either
(17:52):
drinking in the car on the waythere or he stopped at the bar
or something on the way there.
You know, knocked back a fewcocktails and then showed up at
his kid's game and withinliterally within five minutes
he's arguing and i'm going tosay it was like eight minutes in
less than 10 he's gone and i sawher physically relax when he
(18:18):
left because she's like okaywell the storm has passed
through here and now he's goingto go home most likely that
would be my guess to drink nowthe problem is she knows that
she's probably going to run intoit when she gets home because
she can take the kids out to eatdinner after the game which I'm
(18:39):
guessing she probably did andshe can delay the return home
hoping that he's drank himselfinto a stupor and now he's
become harmless that's isolationand he used that excuse to
isolate he created conflictwhere there was none he engaged
in an argument where there wasno argument that needed to exist
(19:03):
because he wanted to leave to godrink and that's exactly what he
did so isolation is addiction'sbest friend and if you if you're
not isolated in the momentyou're going to create
situations where you can isolateand that's what that's what
people who have addiction do sothey become unreliable
inconsistent argumentativebelligerent verbally assaulting
(19:26):
people sometimes physicallyassaulting them but not in a
public setting usually becausethat can turn into a legal issue
so that's what he that's what hedid and that is a textbook
example of exactly what happenswhen people want to engage in
their addiction above all elseright so i don't care that my
(19:47):
son is playing baseball you knowthe thing about that situation
is i i attended every singlebaseball game my son had with
almost without exception therewere a couple of times when i
couldn't because of illness orsomething but I was always
there.
So I saw this progress over theyears.
And this poor woman, you know,hopefully that guy's gotten some
(20:12):
help.
It's been like probably 15 yearssince then.
I don't know, but be that as itmay.
You know, when isolation occurs,they'll take advantage of it.
When it's not available to them,they will create a situation
where they can isolate.
So when you're dealing withsomebody who has addiction, And
(20:33):
they are doing this.
It's not because they havegrowing anxiety or they're all
of a sudden became super busy.
It's because they're engaging intheir drug of choice and they
need to do it in isolation atthe levels that they're going to
do it.
So don't be mistaken intothinking that if you somehow say
(20:54):
to them, Hey, you know, youshould show up at these family
events that we, you know, peoplereally notice when you're not
there or, you know, when youdon't go to things, people, you
know, think, They don't care.
The person you're talking to,they don't care.
They just want to get high ordrunk.
That's all they care about.
So you're just talking.
It's just wind to the personwho's hearing it, the addict.
(21:19):
But understand what you'reseeing is one of the primary
indicators of an escalationwhere something has happened and
now usage has turned into abuseof that substance, whether it's
addiction dependence oraddiction abuse.
But isolation has caused them towant to engage in it more.
(21:41):
Now, I've been talking all thistime as if I'm talking to loved
ones.
Let me just say briefly topeople who have addiction, if
you are isolating all the time,that is a problem.
Your usage is escalating andbecoming a serious problem
(22:02):
because you are lying to thepeople that love you when they
ask you or inquire about howmuch you're using because you're
hiding how much you're using andyou're doing that because you
want to use more and more andmore so understand that when
you're doing that that's what'shappening to you what's the
(22:24):
opposite of addiction for meit's peace and it's hard to be
peaceful when you have no peoplearound so we get sober and clean
through connections throughrelationships and those
relationships are the ones thatcan help us continue staying in
that isolation so when you'reexperiencing your addiction and
(22:48):
you're isolating you got to getconnected to people because
you've been pushing a away,pulling away from people,
pushing away from pushing peopleaway and pulling away from
people yourself.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to work on ending of
that behavior.
And that's why it's important togo to meetings.
And, you know, as loved ones ofaddicts, it's important for you
(23:11):
to go to meetings, too, becauseyou're you're going to start
isolating to the woman that Iwas referring to in the story I
told you.
She felt very isolated becauseshe's embarrassed, ashamed, and
she doesn't know what to say.
She doesn't want her husband tobe an alcoholic and be that
abusive, crazy, drunken person,but she's not going to say that
to anybody.
(23:31):
So that's why it's important forpeople who are loved ones to
start going to Al-Anon so youcan start talking about those
things with your peers, otherpeople who get it because
they're living the same life.
It doesn't matter if it's drugsor alcohol.
Al-Anon is for the loved ones ofaddicts, period.
They don't have to bealcoholics, but they're just
addiction.
(23:51):
So go to Al-Anon and do the thatyou're asking the other person
to do, the addict, which is togo to meetings, one.
Two, start engaging in realityand life and engaging with other
people and get connected.
And three, start moving towardsrecovery.
So if you are a loved one of anaddict, you have to recover from
their addiction as much as theyhave to recover from their
(24:14):
addiction.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to get into those
groups.
Stop isolating.
What you're seeing in that otherperson that's the addict is the
isolation Well, you're doing ittoo, but you're doing it for a
different reason.
You're doing it because ofaddiction, but you're doing it
because of shame andembarrassment about somebody
else.
(24:34):
The addict is isolating becausethey just want to get high,
right?
So it's just a survival thingfor them, survival of their
addiction.
So don't let the enemy get afoothold in your life and then
slowly blow it apart becauseyou're engaging in the thing
that is the destruction.
And that's the old adage of theenemy of my enemies.
So if I can get you two to fightwith each other about, you know,
(24:57):
family circumstances or eventsor things that you do, and I can
get you to engage in thatisolation as an addict, I'm
going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
That's, you know, that's whataddiction does.
It like plants the seeds ofdoubt and destruction in your
lives and then just waters themand tends those fields so that
(25:19):
those seeds grow into plants,which turn into, you know,
massive amounts of destruction.
So find ways to heal and recoverand change the way that you're
existing in your lives so youcan become better people.
Well, that's this edition of DocShock, Your Addiction Lifeguard.
(25:42):
I hope you've enjoyed thispodcast.
If you have, please subscribeand like, and you can comment as
well.
I do appreciate the commentsthat you post about my podcast.
If you've got any suggestionsfor me, questions you can reach
out to me through my websitewellspringmindbody.com and if
you need help you can reach outto me I'll give you some
direction I'll give you someguidance and maybe I can even
(26:04):
work with you I don't know butwhatever it is listen it's not
worth ending your life to saveyour addiction so go out there
and start getting sober andclean go to a rehab go see a
counselor go to the rooms getinto AA NA any of the A's get
the help So until next time,this is Doc Jacques saying, see
(26:29):
ya.
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