September 26, 2025 • 27 mins
Do you have an addict that you love and who you feel like your losing? many times hidden grief is what is going on and you don't even realize it.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm going for Dr.
Addiction Life Guard Placement.
I'm Dr.
Doctor psychology.
Like this one addiction special.
You are suffering fromaddiction, injury, drama,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help.
Try to get your life backtogether.
Join me here at Doc DoctorAddiction Life Guard, the
(00:22):
Addiction Recovery Podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for.
It is intended for entertainmentand informational purposes, but
(00:45):
not considered help.
If you actually need real helpand you're in need of help,
please seek that out.
If you're in dire need of help,you can go to your nearest
emergency room or you can checkinto a rehab center or call a
counselor like me and talk aboutyour problems and work through
them.
But don't rely on a podcast tobe that form of help.
(01:06):
It's not.
It's just a podcast.
It's for entertainment andinformation only.
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:33):
Okay, today I'm going to talk toyou about the kind of grief
families often don't recognize.
The hidden grief that comes whenyou're loving someone who has
addiction.
And it's a tough topic becausemany times this is the thing
that that happens in familiesthat just it literally goes
unrecognized, unaddressed, anduntalked about.
(02:04):
Hidden grief.
And so hidden grief is thisweird thing because you're
you're caught in this emotionalstate where you're you're you
know you're battling addictionwith the person who has
addiction.
You're battling their enemy,right?
And you experience this lossbecause you're they're losing
their battle with addiction,let's say.
(02:25):
Um, and so you have thisambiguous loss, uh, grieving
someone but who's still alive,but you're losing them.
And it happens, it happens everysingle time.
Every single family I deal withhas this problem.
They're grieving someone's loss,but the person is still alive,
they're still there, and they'reacting kind of dysfunctionally.
(02:46):
So there's a gap between whoyour loved one used to be and
then who the addict makes thembecome.
And that gap is kind of whereyou get stuck.
So they often don't realize thatthey're feeling grief.
They don't recognize it asgrief, like you've lost someone.
They feel sad, they feel, youknow, a sense of loss, but they
(03:07):
don't really understand thatit's grief.
And when I'm using those termsuh in in these family sessions I
do, it's perhaps the first timethey've even consciously thought
of that.
It's an unconscious feeling thatthey have, but that's probably
the first time they've evenconsidered it.
And it's kind of shocking.
So um, so what does that looklike?
(03:30):
What does that look like whenwhen somebody's facing this
grief, this loss, when theperson is still alive?
I mean, we see it portrayed inin um in television shows, for
example.
I I I see it all the time.
They you you see the momentwhere the family is realizing
that their addict is kind ofspinning off into this
destructive mode and they can'tstop it, and they dramatically
(03:51):
show them feeling emotion, butand they portray it as grief.
But the person who's actuallyfeeling it in real life, they a
lot of times they don't havethat moment, that epif epiphany
moment.
It's very dramatic when you seeit in a uh TV show or a movie.
I mean, I pay attention to thatbecause this is my specialty,
right?
So I'm always scrutinizingaccuracy of addiction.
(04:11):
But that's one thing that theydo get right, but they portray
it wrongly because it neveractually really happens with
families in a conscious way.
Um, so there's different facesin that, in that uh the grief
and addiction.
Um there's the the the shock anddenial.
I mean, these these are KublerRoss kind of things, but I
(04:32):
understand that.
But there's that that that partof it is that shock and the
denial.
Denial is probably more so thanshock, but stronger at least in
my experience, that they thiscan't be happening.
This cannot be happening.
And they kind of get stuck inthat, you know.
Um the loved ones do.
And and then shortly after that,there's an expl, you know,
(04:54):
usually there's a thread ofanger in that shock and denial,
because they're angry, but theydon't even know who to be angry
with or at, like trying to beangry with the addict, and then
they get start getting angrywith each other um in within the
family because one person ismore into the understanding of
the destruction and the otherone is more into the denial.
(05:14):
They're both experiencing shock,but the anger is a thread that
connects them, and they getangry at nothing.
That's you know, they they can'tthey when I'm when I'm
clarifying for them the idea ofyou have a common enemy, and the
enemy is using addiction todestroy you and your loved ones,
they they start to kind offocus.
(05:36):
I try to get them to focus on areal enemy, and it's the
addiction, or at least the enemyis Satan who's working the
addiction in the person.
So at least they can focus onfacing together the the common
enemy.
Um, but they're angry, they'reangry at at themselves, they're
angry at the person who's theaddict, they're angry at God,
(05:58):
they're just angry.
Um and and so they they startthen the the what ifs start
clicking in at some point, youknow, um presenting something
that will present change.
And it's we the term for ismagical thinking, right?
If they do something that willchange the person's idea of, you
(06:18):
know, engaging in addiction.
And and that's usually nevercorrect.
Because if that were correct,perhaps the person wouldn't have
gotten so deep into theiraddiction that they ended up in
my office um seeking help.
So they start bargaining andmaking make-believe thinking,
magical thinking starts kickingin.
(06:40):
Um they start bargaining withthemselves or with God or with
the person who's the addict.
You know, if I if I give youthis or if I do this, or if I
take you here or there, youknow, if you get in front of
this person, you'll stop thisdestruction.
And that that doesn't happenthat way.
Um it just doesn't.
And then there's the the sadnessand the hopelessness, and they
(07:03):
they start looking at all thethings that could have or should
have happened in their livesthat aren't or didn't or can't
because of addiction um in theaddicts' lives and in their own
lives, they get stuck.
Like they can't, they can'tsometimes depending on the age
of the addict, but the personwho's in the family, they can't
retire, they can't change theirjob, they can't move, things
(07:23):
start getting put off.
I've even seen weddings gettingput off by family members of an
addict because they're waitingfor this person to get clean and
sober.
So they're they're mourningthese milestones that never get
reached, and and that's that's aterrible thing.
And then there's the bitterness.
Um, you you know, if yourhusband or your wife is an
addict, you're getting cheatedout of the relationship you
(07:45):
wanted with them.
Uh if it's your child, you getcheated out of the relationship
you wanted with your child.
Um, parents, when you have whenyou are an adult child and your
parent is an addict, you getcheated out of that
relationship.
They get excluded, they getexcluded from family events,
they get excluded from you know,births, weddings, sometimes
funerals, they get birthdays,holidays, anniversaries, um,
(08:08):
family reunions.
I it's the the list is justalmost endless.
Um, and they get cheated out ofthose things.
And they feel that and theystart getting really angry.
Again, they get angry at theaddict, but really it's the
addiction that they should begetting angry at, but they
don't.
Um, it usually gets focused oneither each other and they start
(08:29):
eating themselves alive or theygo after the addict.
So um how what does this looklike for you as the person who's
who's the the the loved one ofan addict?
What does this look like whenwhen that grief starts showing
up?
What happens?
Well, this is what I say with mymy family members of uh addicts
(08:53):
who come to me looking for help.
This is what I say.
Um I see them over time, theyand sometimes initially when
they come in, they're exhausted.
It's exhausting being caught upin this drama and this and this
sadness that you have.
They're not sleeping, they'renot exercising, they're not
taking care of themselves,they're not they're just not
(09:13):
taking care of themselves.
So they're exhausted and theylook at um resentment,
short-tempered behaviors towardsfamily members within the
dynamics of the family.
Um, I see them start fightingwith each other, and that adds
to that exhaustion.
It's exhausting when you're inconstant battle mode with your
family members over what to dowith the addict.
(09:35):
Um, sometimes it goes the otherway, and instead of being
engaged in battle, they go theother way and they become
emotionally withdrawn andisolated.
Um family members stop talkingto each other because there's so
much disagreement on what to do.
Um sometimes they just can'tface it anymore.
You know, the grief has got themso they're grieving this loss
(09:59):
and they don't know what to dowith it.
So they just shut down, theyjust completely withdraw, um,
and they get to that place wherethey're just what's wrong.
Um then there's the person whois the hamster on the wheel,
right?
They're they're overlycompensating for everything
that's going on, they're overfunctioning, they're
over-providing, they're tryingto hold the family together, and
(10:23):
they're the ones that are doingall the planning, and they
constantly are you know tryingto keep everybody's spirits up,
and but but uh interestingly,that is a coping mechanism for
the grief that they'reexperiencing.
They need something to do.
So that's the person who tendsto be the extrovert.
They're they're the ones thatthey really need something to
do, and they're not doinganything that's helpful,
(10:47):
usually.
Um, and and so it's just it'sthe overfunctioning, the
overdoing, do do do, can't sitstill.
Um, and again, they end uphaving a hard time sleeping as
well, and they look it.
So pretty much everybody'sexhausted, everybody's
emotionally drained.
There's resentment, anger,isolation, withdrawal,
(11:09):
overfunctioning, compensatingbehaviors that you have to try
to deal with this grief.
So it's it's important.
That's when they come to me,that's one of the first things I
start pointing out to them isyou know, this is a loss.
And I try to establish a commonenemy that they're facing
because they don't realize thatthey're facing an enemy.
This is guerrilla warfare.
(11:29):
Um, you got a sniper on a highpoint who's who's uh he's he's
overwatch, right?
That's the enemy's got one ofthose, and he's gonna pick you
off one at a time.
Then there's the others that arerunning in stealth mode.
They've got their their gillygear, if you know what that is.
It's the uh the things thatsnipers use when they're in the
field, you know, they're gettinggrass and stuff all over them.
(11:52):
And those are the ones that aregonna they're they're kind of
hidden, and they're gonna pickyou off too.
Um so you got to have anunderstanding that these the
enemy is working against you ina way that's that's using
multiple means to do it.
Uh dysfunction, craziness, um,we're gonna create chaos.
The enemy's gonna create chaosin your family, and that enables
(12:14):
the addiction to to stay longer.
So um I try to get them tounderstand there's a common
enemy.
So you have to acknowledge thatthis is you're grieving the loss
of this loved one while they'restill alive, even though there's
uh, you know, you're feelingguilt and shame, but you got to
have a place to kind of get ridof that.
So normalizing the experience,that's where Al-Anon comes in
(12:36):
because you're normalizing thatyou're not crazy, you are
grieving.
And this will be pointed out inAl-Anon.
Listen, you have lost this lovedone even though they're still
functioning.
That's a common thing in Al-Anonthat you'll hear.
Um, you'll hear people relayingthat experience, and you'll hear
people talking about it and uhlearning how to cope with that.
(12:57):
So getting somewhere where youcan normalize the experience
that you're not crazy, you'regrieving, and focus on that part
of it rather than the copingmechanisms for the grieving.
Um so how do you so okay, so howdo you process all of this?
How can you process um the thisthis grief?
(13:21):
So there are church-basedgroups.
I have uh a pastor who's afriend in Jacksonville, and they
have in their church a groupcalled Wayfinders that is uh
it's sort of like Al-Anon, um,but they do it a little, they do
it differently.
It's a church-based group, andthere are a lot of church-based
groups out there for familieswho have um addicts amongst
them.
So getting in that group,Al-Anon, like I talked about
(13:43):
before, that's a really goodone.
That's probably your best one.
Because it's structured,organized, and there's they're
all over the place.
So if you're even if you'retraveling, uh, you travel a lot.
And I have clients who spend alot of time on the road, and
they they're in city after city.
And so if you're trying to findsome, you know, some consistency
with engaging in this process,Al-Anon is good because every
(14:06):
city, everywhere, all over theplace, there's Al Anon meetings.
Not nearly as many as there areAA or NA meetings, not even
close, but Al Anon, the groupthat's the 12-step group for
loved ones.
That's a really good one.
So also you can um uh, you know,within those groups, you're
gonna find your your peers, thepeople that is your tribe, your
(14:31):
community.
Um, it's a it's a group that ishidden uh because of shame and
guilt and embarrassment aboutthe addict in your family, but
it's also one where there's alot of distrust out in the
community as to who you cantrust, um, who you believe is is
trustworthy in engaging inconversation about it.
You're you know, maybe your yourbest friend or your neighbor is
not somebody that you feelcomfortable talking to, but you
(14:54):
do need your tribe, right?
So go find them.
So therapy groups, um, orsupport groups, therapy is
another one.
Specifically finding somebodywho's a therapist who's trained
in addiction that can help you,and finding that is very, very
helpful.
I'm one of those myself, andthis is what I do with my
clients um if they have familymembers who are addicts.
(15:17):
I do interventions, I do um, Ido that.
I I that's my thing, right?
So I don't I advertise myselfthat way.
This is what I do.
I deal with families of addictsas well as addicts, prehab,
pre-rehab, post-rehab, andinterventions for for both.
Um, but find a therapist.
Uh having there's an internaldialogue we all have.
(15:43):
We all have it.
We we have a voice in our headthat's us talking to us.
And so um maybe if you somepeople find it helpful uh to
journal like and and by writingit down.
So just have a little notebookand just write down your
thoughts so you can can uh getthem out of your head, perhaps
(16:04):
and put them on paper.
Um sharing sharing thosethoughts.
Uh one of my clients, they theydo this, they keep track of
that, and they write things downin their little notebook, and
then they also um will take thatwith them to Al Anon and they'll
because they want to remindthemselves this week, this is
what I was dealing with, andwhen it's their chance to be
able to share in the group, theyhave something that they've
(16:26):
they've got that they can gofrom.
Um, you know, uh having afaith-based perspective, Greece
is a part of surrender andhealing.
And that if you have if you'rewalking in faith, if you're a
believer and you're walking infaith, grief is part of the the
surrender to the healing.
(16:47):
We mourn our losses, and itdoesn't matter what what faith
you have, really, honestly.
Um I the the different faiths doit differently, but having that
perspective, and if you are aperson of faith and you are a
believer, engage in that, youknow.
That's why, if you think aboutit, that's why we have funerals.
(17:08):
We have funerals for thesurvivors, for the people to
come together and engage in thatperspective of like this person
has finally passed, and I'maccepting that.
I am I am in this process of ofof letting that go, that
surrender and that healing.
So grief is part of that.
And that's what we're doing in afuneral.
(17:28):
We're all gathering together asa group, we're crying, we're
we're sad, we're we're consolingeach other, we're walking around
in disbelief and confusion, andwe're sharing that with each
other, and that's a there's ahealing in that.
So grief is part of that.
Um you know, if if I'm gonnakeep with my my lifeguarding uh
(17:49):
ideas, you you're just remember,you can't save someone if you
drown in grief unacknowledged.
You know, it's it's like mud atthe bottom of the water.
You're trying to get out of thewater, but you get stuck in the
mud.
You it's it's the thing that'sgonna drown.
Uh it's gonna drown you.
So don't fall into that trap.
(18:12):
Um, you know, when when peoplegrieve, they do it in different
ways.
And I learned from my timeworking at the uh in the Jewish
community centers that I didthat they grieve differently
than than uh Christians do alittle bit.
Um they will sit Shiva, they'llsit in the synagogue and spend
(18:33):
the time remembering the lovedone, praying, remembering.
And I I I asked some of my uh myfriends and the people I ran
into at the Jewish CommunityCenter when I started to become
aware of that.
I'm like, well, for how long?
You know, for what how how tellme about how that process works.
And the answer was very simple.
Um we go and we do it in thattime, the day that we show up,
(18:57):
we'll spend 10 minutes, fiveminutes, thirty minutes, an
hour, whatever we want, whateverwe need.
Okay, well, how long does thatgo on?
Till we're done.
I was like, huh.
So you're devoting actual timeto grieving through your day,
and years later, with thatknowledge that I had about that
(19:20):
experience, I I started tounderstand, oh, okay, so what
you're doing is you're grieving,so you're not interfering with
the rest of your day.
I was like, wow, that'sbrilliant.
Um I don't think Christiansreally think that way.
At least I didn't.
Um, and that's a really greatway to do it.
So you're spending timeexperiencing the emotion of
(19:43):
grief in your day so that it'snot overwhelming the rest of
your day until you're done.
So grief, grief is not the end,it's part of loving another
person.
And so when you're grievingsomebody and they're still alive
and they're an addict andthey're still alive and they're
still engaging in theiraddiction, it's it's because you
love that person.
(20:04):
And sometimes even people thatdo very horrible, despicable
things, they've stolen from you,they've lied to you, they've
harmed you in some way,financially or emotionally or
otherwise.
Maybe they're destructive,they're destroying things in
your life.
Um, they're trying to manipulaterelationships around you.
Nobody really wakes up every dayand says, Hey, I can't wait to
(20:28):
go to court and you know, watchmy loved one being tried on a
crime, you know.
But that's what happens, right?
So it's it's a terrible thing toexperience, but it's not the
end.
It's because you love thatperson, and love will overcome
everything eventually.
Um and so love uh overcomes allis kind of the mindset that you
(20:53):
have to have when you're dealingwith an enemy that wants to
destroy.
Destroying your love for thatperson is part of what these and
the enemy's goal is, and justrefuse to let that be the case.
That's that's the uh that's themindset.
It's like I'm not going tosurrender to the enemy.
Um you have to have permissionto keep living while you're
(21:18):
waiting for the other person toget into recovery.
So you have to give yourselfpermission to do that.
That's a really, reallyimportant thing.
You must keep living and youmust live a life where you feel
fulfilled, but you have to be,you know, think of it this way:
if the person who's an addict,they're the the hurricane that's
(21:39):
moving into town and destroyingeverything around them, and so
then they've destroyedeverything.
Well, if you want that person toget into recovery and they get
clean and sober, and you're nolonger healthy, who are they
coming back to?
So being strong means you haveto keep living, even though the
(22:00):
other person is destroying theirlives, and that's part of that
grieving the loss.
So when you're experiencing thatloss that that person has in
their life, because they arethey are starting to lose their
battle against the enemy who isdestroying them through the use
of addiction, understand that ifyou also become destroyed in
(22:25):
that process, the enemy has wonboth battles.
Um how is that going to work outif the person who has addiction
gets into recovery and becomeshealthy?
How is that going to help them?
If you have become lost and youhave surrendered to the enemy in
(22:47):
the process, they're not goingto have anybody to come back to.
On the other hand, standing uhby and watching the other person
just slowly self-destructthrough addiction is a horrible
experience.
No question.
I've been through it in myfamily, I've been through it
with my friends, I was goingthrough it myself.
(23:10):
Um, it's a terrible thing.
No question.
And it does take an incredibleamount of strength to get
through that and watch that as aloved one of an addict.
But that doesn't mean that youneed to give up your life.
And, you know, to use thatlifeguard metaphor, don't become
a victim trying to save someoneelse, because now the next
(23:32):
person who's going to have torescue you is going to have to
rescue two people.
And they're going to pickthey're going to pick the one
that you were trying to rescuefirst and you last.
So that doesn't help.
So as a kind of a closingthought, I I want you to think
about this.
Grief doesn't mean you've givenup, it means you love that
person very deeply.
(23:54):
And that is what grief is.
It is an expression of lovebecause it's an expression of
love through that loss.
My hope is that you will keepsight of the fact that the
person that you're grieving willeventually come back and
hopefully get clean and sober.
And it may take a long time.
It's a year and a half to twoyears to call yourself sober or
(24:16):
clean.
And during that time, that yearand a half to two years of
actually getting there mightinclude one or two or three or
four years of just relapse.
So it could stretch out.
So just understand that you lovethat person deeply and you want
the best for them, and you wantthem to get better, and
(24:37):
hopefully the enemy doesn't winand take their lives.
And if that is the case, um, andyou were able to see them get
there, love on them when theyget there.
Now I understand sometimesrelationships get broken and you
can't have them in their livesanymore because you just can't
do that, and that's okay too.
That's part of the forgivenessthing.
(24:58):
I accept you uh for what you'resaying.
I forgive you, but I can't haveyou in my life.
But then having that resentmentthat you might hang on to really
is not about what forgiveness isabout, then is it?
So wishing them well andwatching them go on and flourish
can be what you do becausethat's the best you can do in
that that love that you feel forthem.
(25:20):
Otherwise, all is lost, right?
And I'm I'm a person that facesloss every day with my clients,
and I hate it when the enemywins.
I feel like I have lost the fatthe the battle with that person,
and it happens to me prettyregularly because I deal with
addiction, and people do lose inthat addiction.
(25:42):
So go to Al-Anon.
If you're a loved one and you'resuffering, go to Al-Anon.
Get a therapist, get a therapistwho understands addiction and
get some help.
Don't isolate and become avictim yourself, please.
(26:02):
Well, that's it for this editionof Doc Joc, Your Addiction Life
Guard.
I hope you've enjoyed uh thetopic for today.
If you are in need of help, youcan reach out to me.
I'll help you.
Reach me through my website,Wellspringmindbody.com.
I'll answer all my emailsmyself.
You can also call me, put thenumber that's provided there on
(26:24):
the website.
I enter my phone.
I do not have a website.
But you need help.
You're gonna be calling medirectly.
And if you don't call me, go torehab.
Go to another counter, go gethelp, go to AA, go to Alana, go
to uh narcotics anonymous, dosomething, but don't let your
(26:46):
life end.
You're trying to save youraddiction.
That's funny.
Go get the help.
So this is Doc Shock.
So until next time, see ya.
I'm going for Dr.
Addiction Life Guard Placement.
I'm Dr.
Doctor psychology.
Like this one addiction special.
You are suffering fromaddiction, injury, drama,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help.
Try to get your life backtogether.
Join me here at Doc DoctorAddiction Life Guard, the
(00:22):
Addiction Recovery Podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for.
It is intended for entertainmentand informational purposes, but
(00:45):
not considered help.
If you actually need real helpand you're in need of help,
please seek that out.
If you're in dire need of help,you can go to your nearest
emergency room or you can checkinto a rehab center or call a
counselor like me and talk aboutyour problems and work through
them.
But don't rely on a podcast tobe that form of help.
(01:06):
It's not.
It's just a podcast.
It's for entertainment andinformation only.
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:33):
Okay, today I'm going to talk toyou about the kind of grief
families often don't recognize.
The hidden grief that comes whenyou're loving someone who has
addiction.
And it's a tough topic becausemany times this is the thing
that that happens in familiesthat just it literally goes
unrecognized, unaddressed, anduntalked about.
(02:04):
Hidden grief.
And so hidden grief is thisweird thing because you're
you're caught in this emotionalstate where you're you're you
know you're battling addictionwith the person who has
addiction.
You're battling their enemy,right?
And you experience this lossbecause you're they're losing
their battle with addiction,let's say.
(02:25):
Um, and so you have thisambiguous loss, uh, grieving
someone but who's still alive,but you're losing them.
And it happens, it happens everysingle time.
Every single family I deal withhas this problem.
They're grieving someone's loss,but the person is still alive,
they're still there, and they'reacting kind of dysfunctionally.
(02:46):
So there's a gap between whoyour loved one used to be and
then who the addict makes thembecome.
And that gap is kind of whereyou get stuck.
So they often don't realize thatthey're feeling grief.
They don't recognize it asgrief, like you've lost someone.
They feel sad, they feel, youknow, a sense of loss, but they
(03:07):
don't really understand thatit's grief.
And when I'm using those termsuh in in these family sessions I
do, it's perhaps the first timethey've even consciously thought
of that.
It's an unconscious feeling thatthey have, but that's probably
the first time they've evenconsidered it.
And it's kind of shocking.
So um, so what does that looklike?
(03:30):
What does that look like whenwhen somebody's facing this
grief, this loss, when theperson is still alive?
I mean, we see it portrayed inin um in television shows, for
example.
I I I see it all the time.
They you you see the momentwhere the family is realizing
that their addict is kind ofspinning off into this
destructive mode and they can'tstop it, and they dramatically
(03:51):
show them feeling emotion, butand they portray it as grief.
But the person who's actuallyfeeling it in real life, they a
lot of times they don't havethat moment, that epif epiphany
moment.
It's very dramatic when you seeit in a uh TV show or a movie.
I mean, I pay attention to thatbecause this is my specialty,
right?
So I'm always scrutinizingaccuracy of addiction.
(04:11):
But that's one thing that theydo get right, but they portray
it wrongly because it neveractually really happens with
families in a conscious way.
Um, so there's different facesin that, in that uh the grief
and addiction.
Um there's the the the shock anddenial.
I mean, these these are KublerRoss kind of things, but I
(04:32):
understand that.
But there's that that that partof it is that shock and the
denial.
Denial is probably more so thanshock, but stronger at least in
my experience, that they thiscan't be happening.
This cannot be happening.
And they kind of get stuck inthat, you know.
Um the loved ones do.
And and then shortly after that,there's an expl, you know,
(04:54):
usually there's a thread ofanger in that shock and denial,
because they're angry, but theydon't even know who to be angry
with or at, like trying to beangry with the addict, and then
they get start getting angrywith each other um in within the
family because one person ismore into the understanding of
the destruction and the otherone is more into the denial.
(05:14):
They're both experiencing shock,but the anger is a thread that
connects them, and they getangry at nothing.
That's you know, they they can'tthey when I'm when I'm
clarifying for them the idea ofyou have a common enemy, and the
enemy is using addiction todestroy you and your loved ones,
they they start to kind offocus.
(05:36):
I try to get them to focus on areal enemy, and it's the
addiction, or at least the enemyis Satan who's working the
addiction in the person.
So at least they can focus onfacing together the the common
enemy.
Um, but they're angry, they'reangry at at themselves, they're
angry at the person who's theaddict, they're angry at God,
(05:58):
they're just angry.
Um and and so they they startthen the the what ifs start
clicking in at some point, youknow, um presenting something
that will present change.
And it's we the term for ismagical thinking, right?
If they do something that willchange the person's idea of, you
(06:18):
know, engaging in addiction.
And and that's usually nevercorrect.
Because if that were correct,perhaps the person wouldn't have
gotten so deep into theiraddiction that they ended up in
my office um seeking help.
So they start bargaining andmaking make-believe thinking,
magical thinking starts kickingin.
(06:40):
Um they start bargaining withthemselves or with God or with
the person who's the addict.
You know, if I if I give youthis or if I do this, or if I
take you here or there, youknow, if you get in front of
this person, you'll stop thisdestruction.
And that that doesn't happenthat way.
Um it just doesn't.
And then there's the the sadnessand the hopelessness, and they
(07:03):
they start looking at all thethings that could have or should
have happened in their livesthat aren't or didn't or can't
because of addiction um in theaddicts' lives and in their own
lives, they get stuck.
Like they can't, they can'tsometimes depending on the age
of the addict, but the personwho's in the family, they can't
retire, they can't change theirjob, they can't move, things
(07:23):
start getting put off.
I've even seen weddings gettingput off by family members of an
addict because they're waitingfor this person to get clean and
sober.
So they're they're mourningthese milestones that never get
reached, and and that's that's aterrible thing.
And then there's the bitterness.
Um, you you know, if yourhusband or your wife is an
addict, you're getting cheatedout of the relationship you
(07:45):
wanted with them.
Uh if it's your child, you getcheated out of the relationship
you wanted with your child.
Um, parents, when you have whenyou are an adult child and your
parent is an addict, you getcheated out of that
relationship.
They get excluded, they getexcluded from family events,
they get excluded from you know,births, weddings, sometimes
funerals, they get birthdays,holidays, anniversaries, um,
(08:08):
family reunions.
I it's the the list is justalmost endless.
Um, and they get cheated out ofthose things.
And they feel that and theystart getting really angry.
Again, they get angry at theaddict, but really it's the
addiction that they should begetting angry at, but they
don't.
Um, it usually gets focused oneither each other and they start
(08:29):
eating themselves alive or theygo after the addict.
So um how what does this looklike for you as the person who's
who's the the the loved one ofan addict?
What does this look like whenwhen that grief starts showing
up?
What happens?
Well, this is what I say with mymy family members of uh addicts
(08:53):
who come to me looking for help.
This is what I say.
Um I see them over time, theyand sometimes initially when
they come in, they're exhausted.
It's exhausting being caught upin this drama and this and this
sadness that you have.
They're not sleeping, they'renot exercising, they're not
taking care of themselves,they're not they're just not
(09:13):
taking care of themselves.
So they're exhausted and theylook at um resentment,
short-tempered behaviors towardsfamily members within the
dynamics of the family.
Um, I see them start fightingwith each other, and that adds
to that exhaustion.
It's exhausting when you're inconstant battle mode with your
family members over what to dowith the addict.
(09:35):
Um, sometimes it goes the otherway, and instead of being
engaged in battle, they go theother way and they become
emotionally withdrawn andisolated.
Um family members stop talkingto each other because there's so
much disagreement on what to do.
Um sometimes they just can'tface it anymore.
You know, the grief has got themso they're grieving this loss
(09:59):
and they don't know what to dowith it.
So they just shut down, theyjust completely withdraw, um,
and they get to that place wherethey're just what's wrong.
Um then there's the person whois the hamster on the wheel,
right?
They're they're overlycompensating for everything
that's going on, they're overfunctioning, they're
over-providing, they're tryingto hold the family together, and
(10:23):
they're the ones that are doingall the planning, and they
constantly are you know tryingto keep everybody's spirits up,
and but but uh interestingly,that is a coping mechanism for
the grief that they'reexperiencing.
They need something to do.
So that's the person who tendsto be the extrovert.
They're they're the ones thatthey really need something to
do, and they're not doinganything that's helpful,
(10:47):
usually.
Um, and and so it's just it'sthe overfunctioning, the
overdoing, do do do, can't sitstill.
Um, and again, they end uphaving a hard time sleeping as
well, and they look it.
So pretty much everybody'sexhausted, everybody's
emotionally drained.
There's resentment, anger,isolation, withdrawal,
(11:09):
overfunctioning, compensatingbehaviors that you have to try
to deal with this grief.
So it's it's important.
That's when they come to me,that's one of the first things I
start pointing out to them isyou know, this is a loss.
And I try to establish a commonenemy that they're facing
because they don't realize thatthey're facing an enemy.
This is guerrilla warfare.
(11:29):
Um, you got a sniper on a highpoint who's who's uh he's he's
overwatch, right?
That's the enemy's got one ofthose, and he's gonna pick you
off one at a time.
Then there's the others that arerunning in stealth mode.
They've got their their gillygear, if you know what that is.
It's the uh the things thatsnipers use when they're in the
field, you know, they're gettinggrass and stuff all over them.
(11:52):
And those are the ones that aregonna they're they're kind of
hidden, and they're gonna pickyou off too.
Um so you got to have anunderstanding that these the
enemy is working against you ina way that's that's using
multiple means to do it.
Uh dysfunction, craziness, um,we're gonna create chaos.
The enemy's gonna create chaosin your family, and that enables
(12:14):
the addiction to to stay longer.
So um I try to get them tounderstand there's a common
enemy.
So you have to acknowledge thatthis is you're grieving the loss
of this loved one while they'restill alive, even though there's
uh, you know, you're feelingguilt and shame, but you got to
have a place to kind of get ridof that.
So normalizing the experience,that's where Al-Anon comes in
(12:36):
because you're normalizing thatyou're not crazy, you are
grieving.
And this will be pointed out inAl-Anon.
Listen, you have lost this lovedone even though they're still
functioning.
That's a common thing in Al-Anonthat you'll hear.
Um, you'll hear people relayingthat experience, and you'll hear
people talking about it and uhlearning how to cope with that.
(12:57):
So getting somewhere where youcan normalize the experience
that you're not crazy, you'regrieving, and focus on that part
of it rather than the copingmechanisms for the grieving.
Um so how do you so okay, so howdo you process all of this?
How can you process um the thisthis grief?
(13:21):
So there are church-basedgroups.
I have uh a pastor who's afriend in Jacksonville, and they
have in their church a groupcalled Wayfinders that is uh
it's sort of like Al-Anon, um,but they do it a little, they do
it differently.
It's a church-based group, andthere are a lot of church-based
groups out there for familieswho have um addicts amongst
them.
So getting in that group,Al-Anon, like I talked about
(13:43):
before, that's a really goodone.
That's probably your best one.
Because it's structured,organized, and there's they're
all over the place.
So if you're even if you'retraveling, uh, you travel a lot.
And I have clients who spend alot of time on the road, and
they they're in city after city.
And so if you're trying to findsome, you know, some consistency
with engaging in this process,Al-Anon is good because every
(14:06):
city, everywhere, all over theplace, there's Al Anon meetings.
Not nearly as many as there areAA or NA meetings, not even
close, but Al Anon, the groupthat's the 12-step group for
loved ones.
That's a really good one.
So also you can um uh, you know,within those groups, you're
gonna find your your peers, thepeople that is your tribe, your
(14:31):
community.
Um, it's a it's a group that ishidden uh because of shame and
guilt and embarrassment aboutthe addict in your family, but
it's also one where there's alot of distrust out in the
community as to who you cantrust, um, who you believe is is
trustworthy in engaging inconversation about it.
You're you know, maybe your yourbest friend or your neighbor is
not somebody that you feelcomfortable talking to, but you
(14:54):
do need your tribe, right?
So go find them.
So therapy groups, um, orsupport groups, therapy is
another one.
Specifically finding somebodywho's a therapist who's trained
in addiction that can help you,and finding that is very, very
helpful.
I'm one of those myself, andthis is what I do with my
clients um if they have familymembers who are addicts.
(15:17):
I do interventions, I do um, Ido that.
I I that's my thing, right?
So I don't I advertise myselfthat way.
This is what I do.
I deal with families of addictsas well as addicts, prehab,
pre-rehab, post-rehab, andinterventions for for both.
Um, but find a therapist.
Uh having there's an internaldialogue we all have.
(15:43):
We all have it.
We we have a voice in our headthat's us talking to us.
And so um maybe if you somepeople find it helpful uh to
journal like and and by writingit down.
So just have a little notebookand just write down your
thoughts so you can can uh getthem out of your head, perhaps
(16:04):
and put them on paper.
Um sharing sharing thosethoughts.
Uh one of my clients, they theydo this, they keep track of
that, and they write things downin their little notebook, and
then they also um will take thatwith them to Al Anon and they'll
because they want to remindthemselves this week, this is
what I was dealing with, andwhen it's their chance to be
able to share in the group, theyhave something that they've
(16:26):
they've got that they can gofrom.
Um, you know, uh having afaith-based perspective, Greece
is a part of surrender andhealing.
And that if you have if you'rewalking in faith, if you're a
believer and you're walking infaith, grief is part of the the
surrender to the healing.
(16:47):
We mourn our losses, and itdoesn't matter what what faith
you have, really, honestly.
Um I the the different faiths doit differently, but having that
perspective, and if you are aperson of faith and you are a
believer, engage in that, youknow.
That's why, if you think aboutit, that's why we have funerals.
(17:08):
We have funerals for thesurvivors, for the people to
come together and engage in thatperspective of like this person
has finally passed, and I'maccepting that.
I am I am in this process of ofof letting that go, that
surrender and that healing.
So grief is part of that.
And that's what we're doing in afuneral.
(17:28):
We're all gathering together asa group, we're crying, we're
we're sad, we're we're consolingeach other, we're walking around
in disbelief and confusion, andwe're sharing that with each
other, and that's a there's ahealing in that.
So grief is part of that.
Um you know, if if I'm gonnakeep with my my lifeguarding uh
(17:49):
ideas, you you're just remember,you can't save someone if you
drown in grief unacknowledged.
You know, it's it's like mud atthe bottom of the water.
You're trying to get out of thewater, but you get stuck in the
mud.
You it's it's the thing that'sgonna drown.
Uh it's gonna drown you.
So don't fall into that trap.
(18:12):
Um, you know, when when peoplegrieve, they do it in different
ways.
And I learned from my timeworking at the uh in the Jewish
community centers that I didthat they grieve differently
than than uh Christians do alittle bit.
Um they will sit Shiva, they'llsit in the synagogue and spend
(18:33):
the time remembering the lovedone, praying, remembering.
And I I I asked some of my uh myfriends and the people I ran
into at the Jewish CommunityCenter when I started to become
aware of that.
I'm like, well, for how long?
You know, for what how how tellme about how that process works.
And the answer was very simple.
Um we go and we do it in thattime, the day that we show up,
(18:57):
we'll spend 10 minutes, fiveminutes, thirty minutes, an
hour, whatever we want, whateverwe need.
Okay, well, how long does thatgo on?
Till we're done.
I was like, huh.
So you're devoting actual timeto grieving through your day,
and years later, with thatknowledge that I had about that
(19:20):
experience, I I started tounderstand, oh, okay, so what
you're doing is you're grieving,so you're not interfering with
the rest of your day.
I was like, wow, that'sbrilliant.
Um I don't think Christiansreally think that way.
At least I didn't.
Um, and that's a really greatway to do it.
So you're spending timeexperiencing the emotion of
(19:43):
grief in your day so that it'snot overwhelming the rest of
your day until you're done.
So grief, grief is not the end,it's part of loving another
person.
And so when you're grievingsomebody and they're still alive
and they're an addict andthey're still alive and they're
still engaging in theiraddiction, it's it's because you
love that person.
(20:04):
And sometimes even people thatdo very horrible, despicable
things, they've stolen from you,they've lied to you, they've
harmed you in some way,financially or emotionally or
otherwise.
Maybe they're destructive,they're destroying things in
your life.
Um, they're trying to manipulaterelationships around you.
Nobody really wakes up every dayand says, Hey, I can't wait to
(20:28):
go to court and you know, watchmy loved one being tried on a
crime, you know.
But that's what happens, right?
So it's it's a terrible thing toexperience, but it's not the
end.
It's because you love thatperson, and love will overcome
everything eventually.
Um and so love uh overcomes allis kind of the mindset that you
(20:53):
have to have when you're dealingwith an enemy that wants to
destroy.
Destroying your love for thatperson is part of what these and
the enemy's goal is, and justrefuse to let that be the case.
That's that's the uh that's themindset.
It's like I'm not going tosurrender to the enemy.
Um you have to have permissionto keep living while you're
(21:18):
waiting for the other person toget into recovery.
So you have to give yourselfpermission to do that.
That's a really, reallyimportant thing.
You must keep living and youmust live a life where you feel
fulfilled, but you have to be,you know, think of it this way:
if the person who's an addict,they're the the hurricane that's
(21:39):
moving into town and destroyingeverything around them, and so
then they've destroyedeverything.
Well, if you want that person toget into recovery and they get
clean and sober, and you're nolonger healthy, who are they
coming back to?
So being strong means you haveto keep living, even though the
(22:00):
other person is destroying theirlives, and that's part of that
grieving the loss.
So when you're experiencing thatloss that that person has in
their life, because they arethey are starting to lose their
battle against the enemy who isdestroying them through the use
of addiction, understand that ifyou also become destroyed in
(22:25):
that process, the enemy has wonboth battles.
Um how is that going to work outif the person who has addiction
gets into recovery and becomeshealthy?
How is that going to help them?
If you have become lost and youhave surrendered to the enemy in
(22:47):
the process, they're not goingto have anybody to come back to.
On the other hand, standing uhby and watching the other person
just slowly self-destructthrough addiction is a horrible
experience.
No question.
I've been through it in myfamily, I've been through it
with my friends, I was goingthrough it myself.
(23:10):
Um, it's a terrible thing.
No question.
And it does take an incredibleamount of strength to get
through that and watch that as aloved one of an addict.
But that doesn't mean that youneed to give up your life.
And, you know, to use thatlifeguard metaphor, don't become
a victim trying to save someoneelse, because now the next
(23:32):
person who's going to have torescue you is going to have to
rescue two people.
And they're going to pickthey're going to pick the one
that you were trying to rescuefirst and you last.
So that doesn't help.
So as a kind of a closingthought, I I want you to think
about this.
Grief doesn't mean you've givenup, it means you love that
person very deeply.
(23:54):
And that is what grief is.
It is an expression of lovebecause it's an expression of
love through that loss.
My hope is that you will keepsight of the fact that the
person that you're grieving willeventually come back and
hopefully get clean and sober.
And it may take a long time.
It's a year and a half to twoyears to call yourself sober or
(24:16):
clean.
And during that time, that yearand a half to two years of
actually getting there mightinclude one or two or three or
four years of just relapse.
So it could stretch out.
So just understand that you lovethat person deeply and you want
the best for them, and you wantthem to get better, and
(24:37):
hopefully the enemy doesn't winand take their lives.
And if that is the case, um, andyou were able to see them get
there, love on them when theyget there.
Now I understand sometimesrelationships get broken and you
can't have them in their livesanymore because you just can't
do that, and that's okay too.
That's part of the forgivenessthing.
(24:58):
I accept you uh for what you'resaying.
I forgive you, but I can't haveyou in my life.
But then having that resentmentthat you might hang on to really
is not about what forgiveness isabout, then is it?
So wishing them well andwatching them go on and flourish
can be what you do becausethat's the best you can do in
that that love that you feel forthem.
(25:20):
Otherwise, all is lost, right?
And I'm I'm a person that facesloss every day with my clients,
and I hate it when the enemywins.
I feel like I have lost the fatthe the battle with that person,
and it happens to me prettyregularly because I deal with
addiction, and people do lose inthat addiction.
(25:42):
So go to Al-Anon.
If you're a loved one and you'resuffering, go to Al-Anon.
Get a therapist, get a therapistwho understands addiction and
get some help.
Don't isolate and become avictim yourself, please.
(26:02):
Well, that's it for this editionof Doc Joc, Your Addiction Life
Guard.
I hope you've enjoyed uh thetopic for today.
If you are in need of help, youcan reach out to me.
I'll help you.
Reach me through my website,Wellspringmindbody.com.
I'll answer all my emailsmyself.
You can also call me, put thenumber that's provided there on
(26:24):
the website.
I enter my phone.
I do not have a website.
But you need help.
You're gonna be calling medirectly.
And if you don't call me, go torehab.
Go to another counter, go gethelp, go to AA, go to Alana, go
to uh narcotics anonymous, dosomething, but don't let your
(26:46):
life end.
You're trying to save youraddiction.
That's funny.
Go get the help.
So this is Doc Shock.
So until next time, see ya.
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