September 29, 2025 • 28 mins
Why do addicts not see trauma as a problem or something that they have experienced?
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm again for Dr.
Doctor Addiction Life GuardModel.
I'm Dr.
Doctor psychology.
Like professional helpful andaddiction special.
You are suffering fromaddiction, injury, trauma,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help tryingto get your life back together.
Join me here at Dr.
(00:21):
Addiction Life Guard, theAddiction Recovery Podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for.
(00:41):
It is intended for entertainmentand informational purposes, but
not considered help.
If you actually need real helpand you're in need of help,
please seek that out.
If you're in dire need of help,you can go to your nearest
emergency room or you can checkinto a rehab center or call a
counselor like me and talk aboutyour problems and work through
(01:02):
them.
But don't rely on a podcast tobe that form of help.
It's not.
It's just a podcast.
It's for entertainment andinformation only.
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:38):
Interesting.
So let's talk about why.
Why is that?
So what trauma really means inin in our lives, not just with
addiction, not with justaddicts, but what it means, what
it really means is that we'renot just it's not just war, it's
not just abuse, it's or tragedy.
It's also neglect, shame,rejection, chronic stress.
(02:02):
See, there's big T trauma andthings like war abuse, you know,
heavy abuse, tragedy, uh, death,things like that.
Those are big T traumas.
The the little T traumas,neglect, shame, rejection,
chronic stress, ab you know,that kind of abuse, that's one
that it's death by a thousandcuts.
The one the big T trauma is justone big event.
(02:26):
And it can be just that, justone event.
Um trauma is a survivalresponse.
It's not a weakness.
And you know, when peopleexperience trauma, they flip
into that that survival responsein their lives.
Um sometimes people see traumaas being something that's making
(02:46):
you weaker.
Um but your your body and yourbrain, they adapt around that
trauma.
And oftentimes in ways that hurtlong term.
So when you have those longlong-term hurts, it plays out in
different ways.
So um I've had combat vets in myoffice.
I've had people that work forthree-letter agencies that get
(03:09):
exposed to all kinds ofdifferent kinds of um
experiences of trauma over, youknow, a long period of time.
The big T trauma is over a longperiod of time.
And that hurt is kind of easy tosee.
Those people tend to be um, it'seasier to see the damage.
Um, combat vets will come in andthey get triggered easily into
(03:31):
um PTSD responses.
And you can see them.
Yeah, I I can see them uh doingit right in front of me.
Um, they start to get thatthousand mile stair, they start
to become disoriented, eventhough they're sitting in a room
and it's peaceful and quiet inmy office.
But I can see them shift intothat PTSD response.
And that's when, you know, Ihave to be careful about how I'm
(03:53):
navigating through this withthem because I want to be able
to help them heal through this.
Um, but the small T traumas, Ican also see people who suffered
from a tremendous amount of umparental abuse, let's say.
Um let's go with that.
The parental abuse.
And so as a small child, theyexperienced this over a long
period of time.
(04:14):
And it's it's it's just asevidence, but it's a little bit
harder to recognize.
It you don't get the thousandmile stair, you don't get the
dissociation that goes on.
They don't decompensate in myoffice.
And it takes quite a while forthem to be in that responsive
mode, and that's simply becauseit's a smaller trauma spread out
(04:35):
over many, many times ofexposure.
So it's uh it looks verydifferent.
But it doesn't matter.
Either way, they areexperiencing something and you
can see it happening in the longterm, and that's why they end up
becoming uh dysfunctional insome way.
They have they maladapt aroundthe the uh the trauma, the
(04:56):
coping.
So why do addicts push backagainst that trauma language?
Well, you know, they have theyhave had to bury a lot of what
they experience.
So there's a lot of denial orthey'll minimize, you know, they
don't feel like they're thevictim, they don't want to see
themselves as a victim becausethey've had to keep moving
(05:16):
forward, especially if it issomething like childhood trauma.
That's one that gets reallyburied.
And so the denial and theminimizing it is one way of
doing it.
The this, you know, like thestatement, I'm not a victim.
That's what they have in theirhead.
I'm not a victim.
Another way that people uhrespond to that and push back
(05:39):
against the language of traumathat I use is shame.
Um, and it's interesting, thethe response of shame comes from
um the shutdown, and that's onetechnique.
Another one is that theyminimize so you know, the shame,
they'll minimize the shame.
They'll they'll deflect andthey'll say, Well, other people
(06:00):
had it worse.
Or um one of one of my favoritesis uh the abuser, if it's a
parent, for example, the abuser,um, the label that the victim
has is that, well, that's thebest they could do, or that's
the best they could do at thetime.
And I always scratch my head andI think, so locking you in a
closet for five hours, that'sthe best they could do?
(06:20):
Wow, that's interesting.
And using plain language likethat helps them in the in the
coping, because they they get tosee that what what they're doing
is minimizing, but what thetruth is, right?
The enemy wants you to believethe lie, not the truth.
The truth enlightens and ithelps.
So that's part of it is shame.
Um, they feel embarrassed.
(06:40):
And if you were sexuallyassaulted, especially for men
who were sexually assaulted,that's a that's a strong shame
component.
Uh men being sexually abused,either as adults when they're
raped or as children.
Um lot of shame attached tothat.
For women too.
Um, I'm not minimizing that one.
Some of it's numbness.
They they honestly don't feelthe pain anymore.
(07:02):
It's something they've livedwith for so long that they don't
even connect mentally,emotionally, and spiritually,
they don't connect to the abuse.
They they become so numb to itthat they honestly don't feel
the pain anymore.
Um, they've dissociated from it.
And so it it just kind of getsignored.
It doesn't get brought up.
(07:23):
Um fear.
Fear is one.
If I open the door, then I'mgonna lose it, I'm gonna fall
apart, I'm gonna I'm gonna losewhatever control or stability I
seem to have been able to createin my life.
So they're fearful of ever goingback there.
Um which is interesting becausethey're fearing the thing that
(07:46):
they're going to run into ifthey think about it, but every
time they think about it, ifit's a if you're an addict, you
end up using, which gives youthis weird illusion of control.
And so I'm fearful that if I gothere, I'm going to lose
control, I'm going to um, it'sgoing to destroy me.
(08:07):
So then the fear, the counterfor that is the control of
illusion.
Drugs and alcohol make you feellike you're doing something
about it.
It's a weird feeling.
I remember distinctly as I wasin, you know, the worst of my
drinking, I couldn't do anythingabout what was in my head.
So I felt like if I drank, itwould make it better.
(08:28):
I didn't think it would go away.
I knew it wouldn't go away.
And everybody I talk to who's anaddict, they know it's not going
to go away.
That's not the point.
You're not drinking it to makeit go away.
But what you are doing is you'reasserting a false sense of power
over the thing that youexperienced.
And you go into your head andyou start responding with this
(08:50):
power struggle.
And so I'm doing something aboutit.
I feel like I'm empoweringmyself.
So the more I drink, the moreI'm controlling it, the more I'm
in, I'm I'm beating this.
Which, you know, it doesn'tlast, unfortunately.
So the reason that addicts pushback against the trauma language
is they think they've got it allfigured out and they're already
(09:11):
coping with it well.
And they're not, which is whythey're in my office, or you
know, why I am dealing with themin that moment, because they're
not it's destroying their lives.
The the thing that they're usingto cope is actually destroying
them.
So the use of substances, andI'm just gonna stick with
substances.
I of course I know food food, isit a substance?
(09:34):
Yeah, gambling, shopping,pornography, um, getting stuck
on the internet, surfing yourphone constantly.
Those I those are copingmechanisms too.
But just for our conversationtoday, let's just say it's
substances as a copingmechanism.
So um drugs, alcohol, they canmake you forget.
(09:56):
But it's interesting becausethey really don't make you
forget.
Even when you're using, youperhaps go into this room where
you're actually engaging in thatexperience again, but you're now
somehow making sense of it orcontrolling it, or uh, you know,
you're beating on the abuser orsomething is going on in your
head, but it's a temporaryescape.
It's temporary.
As long as you're using, you cansort of create this illusion of
(10:19):
control, and I'm doing somethingabout it.
But when you're not using,you're not you're not doing it
anymore, right?
So it's a temporary it's atemporary escape.
And it's not a fix, it's anescape.
Stimulants um give you energy,right?
It it it it energizes you.
I I used to when I was incollege in my uh younger years
(10:43):
in my 20s, my bachelor's degree,I did some of my best writing
when I was really drunk.
Um and I it wasn't because itwas like freeing me up to free
thought, it was just veryenergizing.
So I would listen to like crazyheavy metal music as loud as I
could in my headphones, and I'dbe typing away.
And um, it was my way ofdistracting myself from my
(11:06):
depression, and so I wasfighting the depression by use
of some kind of a stimulant,whether it was an upper or
downer.
I mean, it doesn't make anydifference.
Sometimes people get energizedby doing sedative type drugs,
which that was my case.
Um, stimulants, however, and theuse of that word stimulant is an
(11:26):
upper, right?
So stimulants give you energyand that fights your depression,
you think.
So if I'm taking um speed, anduh, you know, so several of my
friends were speed freaks andthey would be doing a lot of
speed.
Alcohol calms you down, itanxies eases anxiety,
hypervigilance can go awaytemporarily, yes, but the
(11:48):
detrimental effects of that usefor that purpose is very
problematic.
And alcohol for me was veryproblematic.
Um, addiction becomes the shieldagainst the trauma pain, and
that's what you think you'redoing is your your addiction is
between you and your pain, butthe shield ends up, you know,
cutting them.
(12:08):
It it ends up destroying you anddestroying your life, causing
you all kinds of harm.
So the common pushbacks that Ihear is uh when I ask them, so
what was your childhood like?
They'll say, Oh, I it was fine.
I, you know, I had a normalchildhood.
Um and then they tell me thisthe the horror stories for the
next you know four or five, sixsessions, um in in the therapy
(12:32):
process.
Sometimes they'll just say itwas just like, you know, if it
was in college or high school,oh I just like to party, I just
like to have a good time.
Yeah, but you're drinking tentimes more than everybody around
you, or you're you're smoking alot of weed, or you're you know,
you're shooting up.
What are you talking about?
Um pushback about you know,stuff I hear.
(12:54):
That's in the past.
Why why do why do I need to talkabout that?
Why it's not really relevantanymore, it's not important.
So those are defenses to avoidfacing the pain.
And again, they came into myoffice because things are not
going well.
They didn't come into my officebecause things are going very
well.
They're they're not going well,they're going horribly.
(13:16):
Um, they'll they'll sometimesdeflect and they'll say the
usage is the problem.
So I'm like, okay, we'll stopusing and then let's see what
happens.
And they can't because the painkeeps coming back.
Um, so they're just trying toavoid dealing with a thing that
has been slowly destroying themfrom inside.
So how does that change?
(13:37):
Where's the turning point?
So the turning point, um it itoften stalls until the the
trauma is identified.
What I the the way I put it istrauma experiences, if there's
lots of them, or kind of likecockroaches or or rats or mice
in your house, you turn thelights off, they all come out.
(14:00):
They're they're running all overthe place.
You turn the lights on, what dothey do?
The mice, the cockroaches,everything runs away, right?
Because it now can beidentified.
So what I try to think of it asis I I'm trying to help shed
light to something that wants tolive in the darkness.
It wants to live in the darkerrecesses of your mind where it
(14:23):
can start chipping away at youfrom the dark.
So it's in the unconscious orsubconscious, and it just lives
there.
And and it's just waiting.
It's waiting for you to betriggered by some experience,
some thoughts, some words.
Maybe you bump into somebodythat you haven't seen for 15
years, something.
(14:44):
Something, a picture, aphotograph, a movie, a song,
anything that can trigger an oldthought, when it's in your
unconscious mind and you haven'treally dealt with it, it's gonna
pop out.
And that's when there's aproblem.
So that's the darkness that it'sin, and it will spread out and
start, you know, chewing away atyou.
(15:05):
So what we're doing in therapy,and the process that you need to
go through to recover from thisis turn the lights on, right?
Don't don't let the trauma justexist in you, hidden.
You know, we have a phrase forthat in recovery.
We say, you know, well, thatexperience is living rent-free
in your head, or that personthat you have this issue with is
(15:27):
living rent-free in your head.
Why would you do that?
Why would you let them staythere?
So it it will get stalled out,that recovery.
That turning point needs tohappen when you can stop doing
that.
So the resilient client, the onethat has the breakthrough
trauma, is the you know, traumaadmission.
That's the person who they'resitting in front of me, and I I
(15:51):
I can see them just start tolose it.
They'll start, I can see theemotion start coming out, and
then they start crying.
And they and it's because I'vetouched on the thing that is the
thing they've been hiding thewhole time.
And sometimes it happens in thefirst or second session.
Sometimes it takes me six monthsto get them there.
(16:11):
Depends on how buried the traumais and the level of trauma,
frankly.
Um, the bigger the trauma, thelonger they've been, you know,
coping with it by by minimizingand dismissing, the longer it
takes to come out.
They there's a trust issuebetween the client and the
therapist many times that thatthey engage in.
It's like this level of trust.
They won't, they don't when theyfirst come in and see me,
(16:33):
they're not sure to trust.
When that is built up over time,then I can see it.
But I I actually see and theyand they start to really get in
that place.
And I do not try to comfort themto minimize.
I can't, I won't do that.
I will I will be there fullypresent with them while they're
(16:56):
experiencing that pain.
And sometimes there's silenceand it can be long because
they're now in that place.
I know they're feeling it, Iknow they need to feel it.
It's they're showing me thatthey're feeling it, which is a
sharing of that.
It's an offloading.
And and when you feel connectedto somebody, you feel like they
get it.
(17:16):
Um that's that's when you startto really open up.
And so sitting in that thought,and it's you know, honestly,
personally, it's it's verychallenging for me to do that
because um man, they're they'refeeling it, and it's making me
feel it.
And that's the whole point oftherapy, right?
I I say that to my clients.
Your job is to make me feel whatyou're feeling.
(17:36):
In other words, I need you to befully in that so that I get a
sense and an understanding ofwhat you're really feeling.
It's not gonna harm me, youknow.
I'm it's not my pain, but I needyou to to feel it.
So facing trauma is not it's notit's not, I don't want to use
the word blame, but it's notlike shame.
(17:57):
Facing it is not shameful.
You it's you owning it andstarting that healing process.
So facing the trauma is the isthat breakthrough, it's that is
that transition, and it's thething that will get you to um
the healing.
And and again, if you're ifyou're if you're coping
(18:20):
mechanism, chemicals, yes, butit's also there's another one
there, and it is minimizing anddismissing.
And again, those words that Ihear people say, like, well,
that's you know, my dad was hewas he was kind of problem, you
know, he he would hit me everyonce in a while, but he did the
best he could.
You you you're taking the personwho was the abuser and you're
(18:42):
putting them in a place thatthey don't belong.
They don't belong on some pedal,uh some pedestal.
Sorry, they they don't belong ona pedestal, they don't belong in
the category of didn't happen,didn't do that to me.
They did do it.
And when I see that breakthroughhappen, that's a turning point
for the the client.
(19:03):
That's the that's when you'restruggling with this, and you
can with another person fullyengage in that experience of the
the idea of the trauma and theemotion that it brings up in
you, that is where the healingstarts.
So hopefully you can get to thatturning point, that that
transition.
(19:24):
So how what do you what do youneed to do?
You need to be in a place whereyou can offload and stop
isolating.
I I've said this a thousandtimes in these podcasts, and I
tell my clients I've said it tenthousand times in my office.
Isolation is addiction's bestfriend.
(19:46):
Isolation helps the addictionlive in you.
And the isolation is Iexperienced a life of horror and
problems, and if I share themwith another person, I'm not
it's not me just talking, andthe other person's going, Oh,
that must have been terrible.
How does that feel when I repeatthat back to you?
(20:08):
That's not that's not it.
It's a connection with anotherhuman being that says, you know
what?
What you experienced washorrible and you believe them.
Like they're speaking truthabout your situation because
you've spoken the truth aboutyour situation.
That's wrong.
That's horrible.
(20:29):
They should not have done thatto you.
That is a terrible thing.
But this you you you being angryabout that, that's the right
feeling.
You know, you need to hear theseencouraging, nurturing kind of
words.
So healing is possible, but ittakes many things, not just a
single person.
It's therapy, the truth, faith,community.
(20:52):
All right, so let me break thatdown just a little bit.
So therapy, individual therapywith a really good therapist,
one that is not aperson-centered regerian
therapist necessarily, butsomebody who actually
understands uh trauma andaddiction.
They need to know both.
And they need to understandthere's a linkage.
And if they don't understandthat, and you're dealing with
(21:13):
somebody who's like, we got todo harm reduction, or, you know,
uh, it's a behavior, so let'sextinguish the behavior.
And they never ever deal withthe trauma.
And I hear this from my clientswho come in and they've been to
one or two or three or four orfive therapists over their
lifetime, and they come in andtell me something, and I kind of
like, oh, wait a minute, thatwas abuse.
(21:34):
And then I start asking them andthen find out that their mom or
dad or somebody was abusing themin some way.
And I say, Did any of your othertherapists ask ask you about
that?
No.
Really?
You've been to five therapists.
Nobody ever asked you about yourabuse.
Did they ever use the wordabuse?
And you know, sometimes I'llhear, yeah, I they there was one
(21:56):
or two, but I was like, What'dthey do with it?
Well, we just kind of noted it,you know.
We just they said, Oh, that musthave been terrible.
And then we just kind of moveback into today.
And I'm like, So therapy, good,competent therapist.
Second thing, honesty.
Now I'm gonna change that.
I'm gonna I'm gonna add to that.
I'm gonna say honesty andopenness, right?
(22:17):
Honesty and openness, becausehonesty and openness are two
different things.
Openness differs from honesty isyou just saying what happened,
okay, but then if you do thatand then just immediately shut
back down, you're not open.
So honest and open, because wehave to battle shame.
So if you're battling shame,honesty and openness will get
you to the place where you canstop being ashamed about your
(22:40):
past.
My father was extremely verballyabusive to me.
And that could I I didn't knowwhat to do with that as a kid.
I just didn't know.
So I just became violent and Ishut down, and then I started
drinking.
And so that's a horriblecombination, and that's a pretty
common one.
Um, I have found with with uh myclients, especially male
clients, that's what they do.
(23:01):
Um, they don't know what to dowith it, so they just kind of
shut down.
Sometimes they get violent,sometimes they don't, and then
they start using chemicals.
Honesty and openness is whensomebody says, that was really
that must have been really bad.
That was really wrong.
You know, that's different thanoh, how does that make you feel
when I repeat these words backto you that you just said to me?
(23:21):
It's like, no, let's put a labelon it.
That's wrong, that's abuse.
And that's what you got to do.
So having a sense of communityaround you means that you have
surrounded yourself with peoplein A N A S A O A, um, Al Anon,
where you have a group of peoplewho have also gone through the
(23:46):
same thing.
So they get it, right?
It's people that get it.
That's the key.
They get it because they've beenthrough that.
So you have to have community,and you gotta have a list of
numbers that you can call peoplewhen you're feeling really bad.
You they have to know your face.
Um it's it's it's circling thewagons.
You gotta have somebody to beable to circle the wagons.
(24:08):
You gotta have a number ofwagons to be able to circle.
You can't have one wagon, oneperson.
You gotta have a number ofpeople, but you also have to
feel felt, and that's the key.
That's the key with therapy,that's the key with the uh
recovery community.
You feeling felt, and that's thekey.
Like I was this, and the personlooking at you goes, Yes, I was
(24:28):
too, and that's that's wrong,that's terrible.
Oh, you get it, right?
And then finally, faith.
Having faith, you know, you canbe healed because the enemy
wants to destroy you.
Okay, but if you're just doingnothing but constantly battling
the enemy and you don't have anyhealing, you know, the the idea
that there's a higher power thatthat will guide me or protect me
(24:52):
or make me whole again.
And for Christians, that's youknow, Jesus and that's God.
And so having faith means that Iactually can be changed, I can
be healed.
It's just a matter of, am Iwilling to?
So God doesn't waste pain.
He deems it when it issurrendered, it's laying it at
his feet, laying it down.
(25:14):
That doesn't mean laying it downand keep a hand on it and
clutching it at his feet.
It's like laying it down.
So it's surrendered.
I'm gonna surrender my pain.
And when you surrender the pain,that's when forgiveness starts
moving in, right?
So you can start to moveforward.
Forgiveness is not carrying theanger and resentment and
(25:35):
contempt that you feel towardssomebody else for what they did
to you.
It doesn't mean they got awaywith it, it doesn't mean that it
wasn't recorded.
They will have to answer forwhatever they did, and it's not
going to be you that they answerto.
It's between them and God.
And so finding ways tounderstand some concept of like
forgiveness really requires youto have faith.
(25:59):
The life, uh, you know, as a asa uh as a lifeguard, I would say
you can't rest you can't rescuesomeone who insists that they're
fine while they're drowning.
I mean, it's pretty obvious,right?
They they are drowning and youcan see it.
You're looking right at themdrowning, and they're going, no,
no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I don't need your help.
(26:19):
And certainly as a lifeguard, Ihad that experience a few times
where people would say would saythat.
I'd come out and I'd just wait.
I'd just be in the water.
I'd just be in the water with myrescue cannon.
I'd just be waiting.
And uh they're struggling moreand more and more.
And then finally I'm like, Doyou want help now?
Because I'm not gonna fightsomebody that's still on top of
the water and they're talking tome.
(26:40):
It's like, do you need help now?
Yeah, and then I'd go in and Ido the rescue.
Um, you can't rescue someone whoinsists that they're fine while
they're drowning.
Now, if the person, because myjob as a lifeguard was to go get
them, I if they went under, I'mgonna go get them.
And sometimes God does that forus too.
Um, but that's kind of wherethat happens.
So addiction and uh chemicals orwhatever addiction it is, that's
(27:06):
your coping mechanism.
And it doesn't work.
So I want you to reflect aboutwhat I've been telling you and
go get help.
Don't carry this trauma aroundby yourself.
You don't need to carry it atall.
But just please remember thattrauma is just that.
It's trauma, and it's not yoursto own, but it's the enemy's
(27:28):
tool that's gonna destroy you.
Well, that's it for this editionof Doc Shock, your addiction
lifeguard.
I hope you've enjoyed thispodcast.
If you have, please like andsubscribe.
And if you want to reach out tome, you can through my website,
wellspraingmindbody.com.
This is the doc shop and worthany life understanding.
(27:52):
Go to help, go to therapy, go torehab, go to team, go to
something, team something, don'tbe any powerful chemicals, all
the nonsense.
If you uh give me help directly,you can reach out to me.
I'll just academies you can uhclick that little button.
(28:12):
So until next time, yeah.
I'm again for Dr.
Doctor Addiction Life GuardModel.
I'm Dr.
Doctor psychology.
Like professional helpful andaddiction special.
You are suffering fromaddiction, injury, trauma,
whatever it is.
I'm here to help.
You're in search of help tryingto get your life back together.
Join me here at Dr.
(00:21):
Addiction Life Guard, theAddiction Recovery Podcast.
I wanted to be real clear aboutwhat this podcast is intended
for.
(00:41):
It is intended for entertainmentand informational purposes, but
not considered help.
If you actually need real helpand you're in need of help,
please seek that out.
If you're in dire need of help,you can go to your nearest
emergency room or you can checkinto a rehab center or call a
counselor like me and talk aboutyour problems and work through
(01:02):
them.
But don't rely on a podcast tobe that form of help.
It's not.
It's just a podcast.
It's for entertainment andinformation only.
So let's keep it in that light,alright?
Have a good time, learnsomething, and then get the real
help that you need from aprofessional.
(01:38):
Interesting.
So let's talk about why.
Why is that?
So what trauma really means inin in our lives, not just with
addiction, not with justaddicts, but what it means, what
it really means is that we'renot just it's not just war, it's
not just abuse, it's or tragedy.
It's also neglect, shame,rejection, chronic stress.
(02:02):
See, there's big T trauma andthings like war abuse, you know,
heavy abuse, tragedy, uh, death,things like that.
Those are big T traumas.
The the little T traumas,neglect, shame, rejection,
chronic stress, ab you know,that kind of abuse, that's one
that it's death by a thousandcuts.
The one the big T trauma is justone big event.
(02:26):
And it can be just that, justone event.
Um trauma is a survivalresponse.
It's not a weakness.
And you know, when peopleexperience trauma, they flip
into that that survival responsein their lives.
Um sometimes people see traumaas being something that's making
(02:46):
you weaker.
Um but your your body and yourbrain, they adapt around that
trauma.
And oftentimes in ways that hurtlong term.
So when you have those longlong-term hurts, it plays out in
different ways.
So um I've had combat vets in myoffice.
I've had people that work forthree-letter agencies that get
(03:09):
exposed to all kinds ofdifferent kinds of um
experiences of trauma over, youknow, a long period of time.
The big T trauma is over a longperiod of time.
And that hurt is kind of easy tosee.
Those people tend to be um, it'seasier to see the damage.
Um, combat vets will come in andthey get triggered easily into
(03:31):
um PTSD responses.
And you can see them.
Yeah, I I can see them uh doingit right in front of me.
Um, they start to get thatthousand mile stair, they start
to become disoriented, eventhough they're sitting in a room
and it's peaceful and quiet inmy office.
But I can see them shift intothat PTSD response.
And that's when, you know, Ihave to be careful about how I'm
(03:53):
navigating through this withthem because I want to be able
to help them heal through this.
Um, but the small T traumas, Ican also see people who suffered
from a tremendous amount of umparental abuse, let's say.
Um let's go with that.
The parental abuse.
And so as a small child, theyexperienced this over a long
period of time.
(04:14):
And it's it's it's just asevidence, but it's a little bit
harder to recognize.
It you don't get the thousandmile stair, you don't get the
dissociation that goes on.
They don't decompensate in myoffice.
And it takes quite a while forthem to be in that responsive
mode, and that's simply becauseit's a smaller trauma spread out
(04:35):
over many, many times ofexposure.
So it's uh it looks verydifferent.
But it doesn't matter.
Either way, they areexperiencing something and you
can see it happening in the longterm, and that's why they end up
becoming uh dysfunctional insome way.
They have they maladapt aroundthe the uh the trauma, the
(04:56):
coping.
So why do addicts push backagainst that trauma language?
Well, you know, they have theyhave had to bury a lot of what
they experience.
So there's a lot of denial orthey'll minimize, you know, they
don't feel like they're thevictim, they don't want to see
themselves as a victim becausethey've had to keep moving
(05:16):
forward, especially if it issomething like childhood trauma.
That's one that gets reallyburied.
And so the denial and theminimizing it is one way of
doing it.
The this, you know, like thestatement, I'm not a victim.
That's what they have in theirhead.
I'm not a victim.
Another way that people uhrespond to that and push back
(05:39):
against the language of traumathat I use is shame.
Um, and it's interesting, thethe response of shame comes from
um the shutdown, and that's onetechnique.
Another one is that theyminimize so you know, the shame,
they'll minimize the shame.
They'll they'll deflect andthey'll say, Well, other people
(06:00):
had it worse.
Or um one of one of my favoritesis uh the abuser, if it's a
parent, for example, the abuser,um, the label that the victim
has is that, well, that's thebest they could do, or that's
the best they could do at thetime.
And I always scratch my head andI think, so locking you in a
closet for five hours, that'sthe best they could do?
(06:20):
Wow, that's interesting.
And using plain language likethat helps them in the in the
coping, because they they get tosee that what what they're doing
is minimizing, but what thetruth is, right?
The enemy wants you to believethe lie, not the truth.
The truth enlightens and ithelps.
So that's part of it is shame.
Um, they feel embarrassed.
(06:40):
And if you were sexuallyassaulted, especially for men
who were sexually assaulted,that's a that's a strong shame
component.
Uh men being sexually abused,either as adults when they're
raped or as children.
Um lot of shame attached tothat.
For women too.
Um, I'm not minimizing that one.
Some of it's numbness.
They they honestly don't feelthe pain anymore.
(07:02):
It's something they've livedwith for so long that they don't
even connect mentally,emotionally, and spiritually,
they don't connect to the abuse.
They they become so numb to itthat they honestly don't feel
the pain anymore.
Um, they've dissociated from it.
And so it it just kind of getsignored.
It doesn't get brought up.
(07:23):
Um fear.
Fear is one.
If I open the door, then I'mgonna lose it, I'm gonna fall
apart, I'm gonna I'm gonna losewhatever control or stability I
seem to have been able to createin my life.
So they're fearful of ever goingback there.
Um which is interesting becausethey're fearing the thing that
(07:46):
they're going to run into ifthey think about it, but every
time they think about it, ifit's a if you're an addict, you
end up using, which gives youthis weird illusion of control.
And so I'm fearful that if I gothere, I'm going to lose
control, I'm going to um, it'sgoing to destroy me.
(08:07):
So then the fear, the counterfor that is the control of
illusion.
Drugs and alcohol make you feellike you're doing something
about it.
It's a weird feeling.
I remember distinctly as I wasin, you know, the worst of my
drinking, I couldn't do anythingabout what was in my head.
So I felt like if I drank, itwould make it better.
(08:28):
I didn't think it would go away.
I knew it wouldn't go away.
And everybody I talk to who's anaddict, they know it's not going
to go away.
That's not the point.
You're not drinking it to makeit go away.
But what you are doing is you'reasserting a false sense of power
over the thing that youexperienced.
And you go into your head andyou start responding with this
(08:50):
power struggle.
And so I'm doing something aboutit.
I feel like I'm empoweringmyself.
So the more I drink, the moreI'm controlling it, the more I'm
in, I'm I'm beating this.
Which, you know, it doesn'tlast, unfortunately.
So the reason that addicts pushback against the trauma language
is they think they've got it allfigured out and they're already
(09:11):
coping with it well.
And they're not, which is whythey're in my office, or you
know, why I am dealing with themin that moment, because they're
not it's destroying their lives.
The the thing that they're usingto cope is actually destroying
them.
So the use of substances, andI'm just gonna stick with
substances.
I of course I know food food, isit a substance?
(09:34):
Yeah, gambling, shopping,pornography, um, getting stuck
on the internet, surfing yourphone constantly.
Those I those are copingmechanisms too.
But just for our conversationtoday, let's just say it's
substances as a copingmechanism.
So um drugs, alcohol, they canmake you forget.
(09:56):
But it's interesting becausethey really don't make you
forget.
Even when you're using, youperhaps go into this room where
you're actually engaging in thatexperience again, but you're now
somehow making sense of it orcontrolling it, or uh, you know,
you're beating on the abuser orsomething is going on in your
head, but it's a temporaryescape.
It's temporary.
As long as you're using, you cansort of create this illusion of
(10:19):
control, and I'm doing somethingabout it.
But when you're not using,you're not you're not doing it
anymore, right?
So it's a temporary it's atemporary escape.
And it's not a fix, it's anescape.
Stimulants um give you energy,right?
It it it it energizes you.
I I used to when I was incollege in my uh younger years
(10:43):
in my 20s, my bachelor's degree,I did some of my best writing
when I was really drunk.
Um and I it wasn't because itwas like freeing me up to free
thought, it was just veryenergizing.
So I would listen to like crazyheavy metal music as loud as I
could in my headphones, and I'dbe typing away.
And um, it was my way ofdistracting myself from my
(11:06):
depression, and so I wasfighting the depression by use
of some kind of a stimulant,whether it was an upper or
downer.
I mean, it doesn't make anydifference.
Sometimes people get energizedby doing sedative type drugs,
which that was my case.
Um, stimulants, however, and theuse of that word stimulant is an
(11:26):
upper, right?
So stimulants give you energyand that fights your depression,
you think.
So if I'm taking um speed, anduh, you know, so several of my
friends were speed freaks andthey would be doing a lot of
speed.
Alcohol calms you down, itanxies eases anxiety,
hypervigilance can go awaytemporarily, yes, but the
(11:48):
detrimental effects of that usefor that purpose is very
problematic.
And alcohol for me was veryproblematic.
Um, addiction becomes the shieldagainst the trauma pain, and
that's what you think you'redoing is your your addiction is
between you and your pain, butthe shield ends up, you know,
cutting them.
(12:08):
It it ends up destroying you anddestroying your life, causing
you all kinds of harm.
So the common pushbacks that Ihear is uh when I ask them, so
what was your childhood like?
They'll say, Oh, I it was fine.
I, you know, I had a normalchildhood.
Um and then they tell me thisthe the horror stories for the
next you know four or five, sixsessions, um in in the therapy
(12:32):
process.
Sometimes they'll just say itwas just like, you know, if it
was in college or high school,oh I just like to party, I just
like to have a good time.
Yeah, but you're drinking tentimes more than everybody around
you, or you're you're smoking alot of weed, or you're you know,
you're shooting up.
What are you talking about?
Um pushback about you know,stuff I hear.
(12:54):
That's in the past.
Why why do why do I need to talkabout that?
Why it's not really relevantanymore, it's not important.
So those are defenses to avoidfacing the pain.
And again, they came into myoffice because things are not
going well.
They didn't come into my officebecause things are going very
well.
They're they're not going well,they're going horribly.
(13:16):
Um, they'll they'll sometimesdeflect and they'll say the
usage is the problem.
So I'm like, okay, we'll stopusing and then let's see what
happens.
And they can't because the painkeeps coming back.
Um, so they're just trying toavoid dealing with a thing that
has been slowly destroying themfrom inside.
So how does that change?
(13:37):
Where's the turning point?
So the turning point, um it itoften stalls until the the
trauma is identified.
What I the the way I put it istrauma experiences, if there's
lots of them, or kind of likecockroaches or or rats or mice
in your house, you turn thelights off, they all come out.
(14:00):
They're they're running all overthe place.
You turn the lights on, what dothey do?
The mice, the cockroaches,everything runs away, right?
Because it now can beidentified.
So what I try to think of it asis I I'm trying to help shed
light to something that wants tolive in the darkness.
It wants to live in the darkerrecesses of your mind where it
(14:23):
can start chipping away at youfrom the dark.
So it's in the unconscious orsubconscious, and it just lives
there.
And and it's just waiting.
It's waiting for you to betriggered by some experience,
some thoughts, some words.
Maybe you bump into somebodythat you haven't seen for 15
years, something.
(14:44):
Something, a picture, aphotograph, a movie, a song,
anything that can trigger an oldthought, when it's in your
unconscious mind and you haven'treally dealt with it, it's gonna
pop out.
And that's when there's aproblem.
So that's the darkness that it'sin, and it will spread out and
start, you know, chewing away atyou.
(15:05):
So what we're doing in therapy,and the process that you need to
go through to recover from thisis turn the lights on, right?
Don't don't let the trauma justexist in you, hidden.
You know, we have a phrase forthat in recovery.
We say, you know, well, thatexperience is living rent-free
in your head, or that personthat you have this issue with is
(15:27):
living rent-free in your head.
Why would you do that?
Why would you let them staythere?
So it it will get stalled out,that recovery.
That turning point needs tohappen when you can stop doing
that.
So the resilient client, the onethat has the breakthrough
trauma, is the you know, traumaadmission.
That's the person who they'resitting in front of me, and I I
(15:51):
I can see them just start tolose it.
They'll start, I can see theemotion start coming out, and
then they start crying.
And they and it's because I'vetouched on the thing that is the
thing they've been hiding thewhole time.
And sometimes it happens in thefirst or second session.
Sometimes it takes me six monthsto get them there.
(16:11):
Depends on how buried the traumais and the level of trauma,
frankly.
Um, the bigger the trauma, thelonger they've been, you know,
coping with it by by minimizingand dismissing, the longer it
takes to come out.
They there's a trust issuebetween the client and the
therapist many times that thatthey engage in.
It's like this level of trust.
They won't, they don't when theyfirst come in and see me,
(16:33):
they're not sure to trust.
When that is built up over time,then I can see it.
But I I actually see and theyand they start to really get in
that place.
And I do not try to comfort themto minimize.
I can't, I won't do that.
I will I will be there fullypresent with them while they're
(16:56):
experiencing that pain.
And sometimes there's silenceand it can be long because
they're now in that place.
I know they're feeling it, Iknow they need to feel it.
It's they're showing me thatthey're feeling it, which is a
sharing of that.
It's an offloading.
And and when you feel connectedto somebody, you feel like they
get it.
(17:16):
Um that's that's when you startto really open up.
And so sitting in that thought,and it's you know, honestly,
personally, it's it's verychallenging for me to do that
because um man, they're they'refeeling it, and it's making me
feel it.
And that's the whole point oftherapy, right?
I I say that to my clients.
Your job is to make me feel whatyou're feeling.
(17:36):
In other words, I need you to befully in that so that I get a
sense and an understanding ofwhat you're really feeling.
It's not gonna harm me, youknow.
I'm it's not my pain, but I needyou to to feel it.
So facing trauma is not it's notit's not, I don't want to use
the word blame, but it's notlike shame.
(17:57):
Facing it is not shameful.
You it's you owning it andstarting that healing process.
So facing the trauma is the isthat breakthrough, it's that is
that transition, and it's thething that will get you to um
the healing.
And and again, if you're ifyou're if you're coping
(18:20):
mechanism, chemicals, yes, butit's also there's another one
there, and it is minimizing anddismissing.
And again, those words that Ihear people say, like, well,
that's you know, my dad was hewas he was kind of problem, you
know, he he would hit me everyonce in a while, but he did the
best he could.
You you you're taking the personwho was the abuser and you're
(18:42):
putting them in a place thatthey don't belong.
They don't belong on some pedal,uh some pedestal.
Sorry, they they don't belong ona pedestal, they don't belong in
the category of didn't happen,didn't do that to me.
They did do it.
And when I see that breakthroughhappen, that's a turning point
for the the client.
(19:03):
That's the that's when you'restruggling with this, and you
can with another person fullyengage in that experience of the
the idea of the trauma and theemotion that it brings up in
you, that is where the healingstarts.
So hopefully you can get to thatturning point, that that
transition.
(19:24):
So how what do you what do youneed to do?
You need to be in a place whereyou can offload and stop
isolating.
I I've said this a thousandtimes in these podcasts, and I
tell my clients I've said it tenthousand times in my office.
Isolation is addiction's bestfriend.
(19:46):
Isolation helps the addictionlive in you.
And the isolation is Iexperienced a life of horror and
problems, and if I share themwith another person, I'm not
it's not me just talking, andthe other person's going, Oh,
that must have been terrible.
How does that feel when I repeatthat back to you?
(20:08):
That's not that's not it.
It's a connection with anotherhuman being that says, you know
what?
What you experienced washorrible and you believe them.
Like they're speaking truthabout your situation because
you've spoken the truth aboutyour situation.
That's wrong.
That's horrible.
(20:29):
They should not have done thatto you.
That is a terrible thing.
But this you you you being angryabout that, that's the right
feeling.
You know, you need to hear theseencouraging, nurturing kind of
words.
So healing is possible, but ittakes many things, not just a
single person.
It's therapy, the truth, faith,community.
(20:52):
All right, so let me break thatdown just a little bit.
So therapy, individual therapywith a really good therapist,
one that is not aperson-centered regerian
therapist necessarily, butsomebody who actually
understands uh trauma andaddiction.
They need to know both.
And they need to understandthere's a linkage.
And if they don't understandthat, and you're dealing with
(21:13):
somebody who's like, we got todo harm reduction, or, you know,
uh, it's a behavior, so let'sextinguish the behavior.
And they never ever deal withthe trauma.
And I hear this from my clientswho come in and they've been to
one or two or three or four orfive therapists over their
lifetime, and they come in andtell me something, and I kind of
like, oh, wait a minute, thatwas abuse.
(21:34):
And then I start asking them andthen find out that their mom or
dad or somebody was abusing themin some way.
And I say, Did any of your othertherapists ask ask you about
that?
No.
Really?
You've been to five therapists.
Nobody ever asked you about yourabuse.
Did they ever use the wordabuse?
And you know, sometimes I'llhear, yeah, I they there was one
(21:56):
or two, but I was like, What'dthey do with it?
Well, we just kind of noted it,you know.
We just they said, Oh, that musthave been terrible.
And then we just kind of moveback into today.
And I'm like, So therapy, good,competent therapist.
Second thing, honesty.
Now I'm gonna change that.
I'm gonna I'm gonna add to that.
I'm gonna say honesty andopenness, right?
(22:17):
Honesty and openness, becausehonesty and openness are two
different things.
Openness differs from honesty isyou just saying what happened,
okay, but then if you do thatand then just immediately shut
back down, you're not open.
So honest and open, because wehave to battle shame.
So if you're battling shame,honesty and openness will get
you to the place where you canstop being ashamed about your
(22:40):
past.
My father was extremely verballyabusive to me.
And that could I I didn't knowwhat to do with that as a kid.
I just didn't know.
So I just became violent and Ishut down, and then I started
drinking.
And so that's a horriblecombination, and that's a pretty
common one.
Um, I have found with with uh myclients, especially male
clients, that's what they do.
(23:01):
Um, they don't know what to dowith it, so they just kind of
shut down.
Sometimes they get violent,sometimes they don't, and then
they start using chemicals.
Honesty and openness is whensomebody says, that was really
that must have been really bad.
That was really wrong.
You know, that's different thanoh, how does that make you feel
when I repeat these words backto you that you just said to me?
(23:21):
It's like, no, let's put a labelon it.
That's wrong, that's abuse.
And that's what you got to do.
So having a sense of communityaround you means that you have
surrounded yourself with peoplein A N A S A O A, um, Al Anon,
where you have a group of peoplewho have also gone through the
(23:46):
same thing.
So they get it, right?
It's people that get it.
That's the key.
They get it because they've beenthrough that.
So you have to have community,and you gotta have a list of
numbers that you can call peoplewhen you're feeling really bad.
You they have to know your face.
Um it's it's it's circling thewagons.
You gotta have somebody to beable to circle the wagons.
(24:08):
You gotta have a number ofwagons to be able to circle.
You can't have one wagon, oneperson.
You gotta have a number ofpeople, but you also have to
feel felt, and that's the key.
That's the key with therapy,that's the key with the uh
recovery community.
You feeling felt, and that's thekey.
Like I was this, and the personlooking at you goes, Yes, I was
(24:28):
too, and that's that's wrong,that's terrible.
Oh, you get it, right?
And then finally, faith.
Having faith, you know, you canbe healed because the enemy
wants to destroy you.
Okay, but if you're just doingnothing but constantly battling
the enemy and you don't have anyhealing, you know, the the idea
that there's a higher power thatthat will guide me or protect me
(24:52):
or make me whole again.
And for Christians, that's youknow, Jesus and that's God.
And so having faith means that Iactually can be changed, I can
be healed.
It's just a matter of, am Iwilling to?
So God doesn't waste pain.
He deems it when it issurrendered, it's laying it at
his feet, laying it down.
(25:14):
That doesn't mean laying it downand keep a hand on it and
clutching it at his feet.
It's like laying it down.
So it's surrendered.
I'm gonna surrender my pain.
And when you surrender the pain,that's when forgiveness starts
moving in, right?
So you can start to moveforward.
Forgiveness is not carrying theanger and resentment and
(25:35):
contempt that you feel towardssomebody else for what they did
to you.
It doesn't mean they got awaywith it, it doesn't mean that it
wasn't recorded.
They will have to answer forwhatever they did, and it's not
going to be you that they answerto.
It's between them and God.
And so finding ways tounderstand some concept of like
forgiveness really requires youto have faith.
(25:59):
The life, uh, you know, as a asa uh as a lifeguard, I would say
you can't rest you can't rescuesomeone who insists that they're
fine while they're drowning.
I mean, it's pretty obvious,right?
They they are drowning and youcan see it.
You're looking right at themdrowning, and they're going, no,
no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I don't need your help.
(26:19):
And certainly as a lifeguard, Ihad that experience a few times
where people would say would saythat.
I'd come out and I'd just wait.
I'd just be in the water.
I'd just be in the water with myrescue cannon.
I'd just be waiting.
And uh they're struggling moreand more and more.
And then finally I'm like, Doyou want help now?
Because I'm not gonna fightsomebody that's still on top of
the water and they're talking tome.
(26:40):
It's like, do you need help now?
Yeah, and then I'd go in and Ido the rescue.
Um, you can't rescue someone whoinsists that they're fine while
they're drowning.
Now, if the person, because myjob as a lifeguard was to go get
them, I if they went under, I'mgonna go get them.
And sometimes God does that forus too.
Um, but that's kind of wherethat happens.
So addiction and uh chemicals orwhatever addiction it is, that's
(27:06):
your coping mechanism.
And it doesn't work.
So I want you to reflect aboutwhat I've been telling you and
go get help.
Don't carry this trauma aroundby yourself.
You don't need to carry it atall.
But just please remember thattrauma is just that.
It's trauma, and it's not yoursto own, but it's the enemy's
(27:28):
tool that's gonna destroy you.
Well, that's it for this editionof Doc Shock, your addiction
lifeguard.
I hope you've enjoyed thispodcast.
If you have, please like andsubscribe.
And if you want to reach out tome, you can through my website,
wellspraingmindbody.com.
This is the doc shop and worthany life understanding.
(27:52):
Go to help, go to therapy, go torehab, go to team, go to
something, team something, don'tbe any powerful chemicals, all
the nonsense.
If you uh give me help directly,you can reach out to me.
I'll just academies you can uhclick that little button.
(28:12):
So until next time, yeah.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Cardiac Cowboys
The heart was always off-limits to surgeons. Cutting into it spelled instant death for the patient. That is, until a ragtag group of doctors scattered across the Midwest and Texas decided to throw out the rule book. Working in makeshift laboratories and home garages, using medical devices made from scavenged machine parts and beer tubes, these men and women invented the field of open heart surgery. Odds are, someone you know is alive because of them. So why has history left them behind? Presented by Chris Pine, CARDIAC COWBOYS tells the gripping true story behind the birth of heart surgery, and the young, Greatest Generation doctors who made it happen. For years, they competed and feuded, racing to be the first, the best, and the most prolific. Some appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, operated on kings and advised presidents. Others ended up disgraced, penniless, and convicted of felonies. Together, they ignited a revolution in medicine, and changed the world.