1.11 The Smooshing Pumpkin

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Isaac Allen Burns (00:32):
Hey, everybody. It's your GM, Isaac
Allen Burns, here on a not sogreat mic editing this podcast.
Just wanted to let y'all knowthat the DodoBorne crew is going
to Gen-Con this year, 2025, endof July, into August. We'll be
there. I'll be running a coupletables, and if you come to
those, you might be able to playwith either Joe, Rowan, or

(00:56):
Annie, and even myself.
So keep a lookout for that. Seeyou at Gen Con. Okay. On with
the episode.

Rowan Collins (01:02):
Squawk. Squawk.

Squawk. Hey. It's podcast. It's me again.
Hey.
Nice to meet you. It's your GM,your best friend, and your needs
to work on his communicationemployee, Isaac Allen Burns.
That's right. It's me again.Nice to meet you.
We're here for another episodeof DodoBorne, an actual play
Daggerheart podcast. But I'm notalone here in the booth much

(01:27):
like I am at my desk eight hoursa day because I'm here with
Roland Collins. Say hi, RolandCollins.

Squawk.

Also known as Pistachio. I'll get a cadence
eventually for this. Just, like,bear with me a second.

Okay. Squawk.

There we go. And then next to Rowan in the
high chair, we've got JoeDiametti. Sorry, Isaac. Did you
part

Joe Diametti (01:52):
of by chance have a work review today?

I don't know what you're talking about. I
don't know. All I know is that Iam, you know, exceeding
expectations in my technicalprowess and almost below
expectations in mycommunication, apparently.

That's a DM.

Also also, I need to be more detail oriented
is I'm pretty sure one of them.But I feel anyways, so that's
that's Joe playing Kapi. And tomy right, who exceeds all
expectations is Annie Hawthorneplaying crank.

Annie Hawthorne (02:27):
Squawk, I had a very normal day.

Nice. And it's me, your GM, Isaac Allen
Burns, who probably won't begetting a very good bonus this
year. Anyways, perhaps I justcame from something that was a
kid to an employer review, butthat's not who I am anymore.
Right now, I am your GM, IsaacAllen Burns, here to talk to you
about an adventure that ourfriends are having. Now we left

(03:59):
off at a pretty tense moment,and I just wanna bring us back
to what happened last week.
If you recall, our heroes hadjust gotten done having a
lengthy conversation with aninteresting individual, one
Percival Anachronisms, a knownself proclaimed caretaker of the
Sages Grove. After thisconversation, they went back to

(04:20):
town and did a little moreinvestigating. They had some
conversations with certainindividuals, including mister
rich apple people himself,Scarlet's father.

Rich bastard.

Almost got decked in the face by one crank
the clank, but stopping him justin time was another friend of
ours, Timothee Toulouse, whobrought them home to dinner and
gave them some devastating newsthat he and his daughter Alana
would be leaving Bracken Roadafter the Apple Festival. After
a bit of a teary discussion,they talked to Craig and said,

(04:56):
maybe they won't. They'll waitand see till afterwards. But
that's not all that wediscovered. We also discovered a
bit information about the townitself.
At the Sages Grove wasapparently a relic called the
verdant staff, which was a relicthat held some of the god sages
power. The last time it had everbeen seen was nearly three

(05:17):
hundred years ago in an oldpicture of Scarlet's ancestor,
the then mayor of the town.Following this lead led them to
the town hall where mayorRaisins is. Meeting mayor
Raisins, a couple of our partywent up to his office to discuss

(05:37):
a couple things revolving theApple Festival. In fact, it
seemed as though the mayor waswanting to talk to them in the
first place.
Not to be fooled though,Pistachio slipped away from our
party and wound up finding asecret room in the town hall
that led down down into a darkstairway. The scent of the

(05:58):
verdant staff that Pistachiopicked up at the grove lingered
in the air. Important note, itis after ten p As we see
upstairs in the office that Kapiand the mayor are currently
shaking hands, Pistachio isgoing down a long, dark
staircase. The walls are of aunworked stone. Looks like this

(06:22):
place was sort of dug into theground.
And after you go down for maybethirty minutes of stairs, your
poor dodo knee is aching. Youwind up you wind up in a large
cavern. You look out at thisunderground cavern. The walls
are like a loose soil. You seeroots hang from the ceiling like

(06:44):
a popcorn ceiling, but like alot worse and a lot longer.
At this very center of thiscavern, you see a pillar of soil
that seems to rise up abouthalfway the height of the
cavern, almost like a pillar.You see that there is a glowing
green staff that stands uprightat its terminus. You see that

(07:06):
almost like wisps of magic flowupwards from the staff into the
ceiling above. It seems tospread out across the entire
cavern ceiling. And pistachio,you see this and your eyes go
down to the staff once more andyou notice there is this old
fawn laying at the base of thestaff.

(07:28):
See, there are heavy chains thatbind its arms and legs to that
pillar that the staff stands on.The place feels nice, like a
warm like a cool breeze on a hotsummer's day, but it reeks. It
reeks of decay. It reeks ofwaste. It smells terrible in

(07:51):
here.
But pistachio, that is what yousee. You feel on your skin. If a
dodo could have goose flesh,call it dodo flesh, call it dodo
bumps, you would have that.

Almost like like every single feather is standing
on end, which I think Pistachiowas already their eyes have
basically been dilated all theway up as, like, way more than
it would be in the dark becauseit's past 10PM, Pistachio, and
then they're a little manic. Andthey had been, like, trying to
make the walk a little bitdifferent. And now, like, seeing

(08:31):
this, they're just kinda, likethey peek, like, around with
their little dodo head, justkinda sussing it out. Like, does
this thing look like this like,does this fawn look alive?

From your distance that you are at right
now, you really can't tell. Youthink that in order to get a
good look at it, you'd have toget a little closer.

They're going to almost do, like, a shuffle
forward, almost like a littledodo dance. They're gonna, like,
go sideways and then hop overand then go sideways again to
the left and then hop over andjust kinda get closer until they
can see whether or not thislittle this fawn is breathing.

Are you trying to do so without being
heard or seen?

Yes. I will say that. So this is agile scout.
And so I'm trying to my movementis silent. So I'm gonna spend
hope to get anywhere.
I'm assuming this is within farrange of us. So I'm gonna spend
a hope to get this withoutneeding the rule of my agile
sneakiness.

Incredible. Yes. Pistachio as a dodo is
stealthy and unheard as youcreep forward. Spend that hope.
You creep forward.
The closer and closer you getpistachio, you get probably
within 15 feet of this pillar,and the energy coming off of

(09:51):
this thing is powerful. It, thefawn at the base though kinda
has his body wrapped around,kind of in the fetal position
holding it. Skin and bones, thisfawn is. And you can hear some
raspy breathing coming from it.

Alright, little dodo. We got this. Alright. Best
impression. Let's go.
Alright. Hello. Let me see it.Oh, gosh. Oh, hi.
Oh, hello.

This terrifying looking fawn jolt up,
whipping his head around to lookat you faster than you would
expect a skeletal fawn to lookat you. It whips its head
around. Its eyes are sunken intothe sockets incredibly deep. Any
teeth that he had have longsince rotted and now just black

(10:46):
pussy gums remain. Ew.
His nose is caked in scabs whena raspy voice says,
oh, it's there. Who's there? Oh. Good

morning. Good sir. My name is doctor Dono. I
am here to make sure you gethealed a little bit. And also,
cool staff, why are you herechained up to the ground and
also look a little worse forwear?
Do you need healing?

So not to make you do too many roles, but
I am gonna have you make apresence role to see if
Pistachio is coming across assomeone who is here to help or
something worse.

I just wanna go ahead

and let the let the people listening know that I
have a minus one for presence.That's a 13 with fear.

A 13 with fear. So Oh, no. As you say
this, this man looks at you. TheDC in my brain that I had set
for coming across as a coolperson Mhmm. Was a 12.
So you did beat that veryloudly. His voice kinda echoes

(12:06):
through the cave. The fear isthat he's gonna talk really
loud. Okay. You're the
beast I've seen before. Are you here to
replace me? Did they discoverhow to replace me?

You're very loud, sir. I understand you probably
haven't seen a real thing in a,like how long do to two weeks?
Probably not, like, in

Have you come to give me my replacement or
not?
He yells into the mic.

Oh, gosh.

Sorry. He yells just in general.

Shit. What

do you mean by your replacement?

Protect the town. I stay here as long as one
of us is here. This town alwayswill be prosperous and safe.

Alright. Okay. So the staff keeps us prosperous
and safe? Yes. Okay.

I give myself for the town.

Pistachio, like, low like, squids their little
dodo eyes, which I assume arenot super great because it's
dark and it's their dodo. Butdoes this person look like like
Scarlet's great grandfather,like, in any way?

Because you have asked very specifically
this question, no rolenecessary. Through the pockmarks
on his face and the sagged skin,you can barely, just barely make
out that this certainly isAugustus Apple people. And the
staff that you see him curledaround is the same staff that

(13:45):
you saw in that picture fromCrank.

Alright. Okay. So this is what I'm gonna do.
Alright. I feel like if I getyou out of here, people are
going to freak out.
And I'm supposed to come and getthat staff, but you say the
staff is the thing that'skeeping us productive here. I
feel like this is above my paygrade. I feel like I gotta go

(14:11):
talk to my boss about this.What? I feel like I gotta go
talk to my boss about this.

My replacement.

You're sobose about my at least help you. Do
you wanna feel better? Do youwant some apples?

Just here to steal the staff, aren't you? No.
You're here to ruin the town.

I'm not here to steal anything.

You start screaming, wailing at the top

of his lungs. Fart nuggets.

We cut back in time a little bit. We go back
to the office, and you see thatopening the door is one mayor
Raisins who is looking at Kapiand Crank, having just shaken
their hand and says, yes. Ibelieve this will be a very good
deal for both of us. You getyour recommendation. I get the

(14:51):
security of my town.
Nobody freak out about peoplecoming through and, you know,
with weapons and with outsiders.You know? We're gonna have so
many people here at the play.We're gonna have we're gonna
have the senator.

We're gonna have Yes, sir. We have ourselves.
Don't you worry about a thing.Yes. Yes.

Right. Yes. I worry all the time. My doctor
say it bad for me. And by thedoctor, mean the priest.
He tell me it bad

for me. Hey. Hey. Yes. You should relax.
It's it is late at night. It ispast 10PM.

I I should be more like midnight. I should
meditate on the day.

You should get some sleep. The Apple Festival
is only.

The It's two days away.

Two days away.

It's only two days. We have tomorrow to
prepare, and then we havetomorrow to make it shine.

And, hey. Yes. To make it shine. Hey. You get some
rest.
I'm gonna need you Sprite andready to write our
recommendations. Okay?

Oh, it will be Sprite
and springing, my friend. Alright.

Okay. Yeah. You know? Okay. Alright.
And I I I just I I bring crank.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Stop. Stop. Nobody move.Did you just hear that?
Did you hear something?

I didn't hear.

Is there a base nearby or something like a
decoration on pedestalsomewhere?

You look over, and I believe I described
the center. There's, like, alittle table at the very center
of the foyer with, like, somewith, like, a vase. You do see
that?

I purposefully trip into it and knock it over.
Oh, sorry. That was my fault.

Alright. I'm gonna let you decide if that's
gonna be agility or presence.Agility or presence to make it
look like you didn't do that onpurpose.

It's gotta be it's gotta

be present. Which one are doing?

Yeah. It's a show. Yeah. You're trying to put
on a show.

That's the funnier option for sure. It's a
minus one in presents.

You go ahead. Presents present. For me. Yes. I
thought the Annie, you have thechance to do the funniest thing.

But as you roll

It's a 12 with hope.

Isaac Allen Burns: Unfortunately, he rolled higher (16:55):
undefined
than a 12. So as you walk over,describe how you don't make it
look like this was on purpose.

So I imagine it's kind of out of my way. So
I, like, take, like, two sidesteps, and then I just, like,
fall over with my elbow. And itit knocks over and clatters to
the ground. Oh, I'm so clumsy.

You pile draft

the vase. What

the? What? What?

I'm so clumsy. That was an accident.

That vase that vase was sold to my father.
He buys that from a
far off land. You break my vase.
Oh, no. The years the years that go by, look
at the vase. I think of myfather who is long gone. He's
all dead, and now I havenothing.

Oh, this is a terrible day for me.

Why? This

is our mare mare raisins. Mare raisins.

Why could

you lose it?

I will I will take care of this, sir. Just, you
know, I I hope this wouldn'taffect the future security of
the Apple Festival. Right?That's very important. And we
wanna make sure that thatdoesn't affect our

Isaac Allen Burns: recommendations. You see that he (18:03):
undefined
looks at you and says, if Icould cry, I would. But my
people cannot. That is canon.Dracona cannot cry.
I'm feeling so I don't suffer

from society tell you that you can't cry.

You're right. All I could do is lactate.

I can't cry or don't feel bad.

Lactate. Lactate. Lactate into me. Come here.

If crank had muscles in in his face, he would
be horrified.

Society tells you Heavy. That you can't lactate as
a grown Dracona, and I tell youthat you can. Come here.

Oh, you'll make me feel better. This is so
many emotions. You feel warmthon your chest.

I'm backing slowly down the stairs.

I make sure that my jacket is kinda, like, off my
shoulders so that it's notgetting on the chest.

It doesn't get on the jacket.

This is such a beautiful moment. I I really
need to go, and I turn and Istart stomping down the stairs
as loud as I can.

Why don't we, you and I, just go for a walk? I
think Okay. Fresh air will do usgood.

Take me for a walk.

Yes. Come on.

He puts his shoulder on you.

Yeah. I put my shoulder around him or

You start walking down the stairs. He's
like, it's so much pressuremeans the mayors and small
setbacks make me have bigemotions.

I know. I know.

I'm under so much pressure. You understand,
Gabby?

I do.

Is there going to be a senator? I have to
look good. The Apple people wantmy head all the time, but this
would prove that I am goodenough to be here.

Hey. I've always thought you were good enough to
be here.

Oh, you make me cry.
You make me cry.

I I walk him out the door.

You walk out the door, crank. You're stomping
towards the back, and you see,like, an office. And you see
that, oddly enough, one of thebookshelves is, like, not flush
against the wall. And that'skinda silly. You look at it
longer and realize there's apassageway back there.
Oh my goodness.

I'm glad, sir.

I hang on. I gotta get out of the mare. Hang

on. So,

yeah, you look at the at the the
bookshelf. The bookshelf is nowflushed against the wall, and
there's a passage back there.And you can hear echoing screams
and yells coming from. It's veryloud. It's getting louder.
Sounds like an argument'shappening. What does Craig do?

I just shove the book side as bookshelf
aside, and I go, Pistachio, I'mcoming. And I run down the
stairs.

Run downstairs. For any magic books?

Craig care cares

about his dad. Frank would hear Pistachio
screaming and absolutely run.Aw. Aw. The books can wait.
They'll be there when I getback.

Aw.

So you just hear, crank, crank, crank, crank,
crank.

Pistachio, as this guy is just kind of yelling
at you frustration and anger.You see Crank come down the
stairs suddenly.

Craig. Oh my gosh. Thank thank goodness. Oh
my god. I had no idea how was

this guy hurting you? Should I kill him?

No. No. No. This is this is the Apple people's
granddad. This is Scarlet'sgrandfather from

the beginning.

He is old and decrepit and hungry and guarding
the staff. He's been chainedhere forever and apparently this
is how we get all of our applesand all of our growth thing. So
part of me is like, do we takethe staff? Because that's what
the thing asked for him. Do wetake this guy?
We need to help this guy. Helooks almost like he's gonna
die. Oh, they snap. They snap.They go, you have food.

(21:23):
And they like run straight toyou and like hop up as little
dodo and try and open yourlittle door and scramble to try
and get

your stool. You have fingers. Stop.

Like, ugh. Give me

I open I open and I pull out those stale
pastries.

Thank you. And they snatch it from you. They,
like, shove the as much as theycan, they shove a stale pastry
in his mouth.

Oh my god.

To one, shut him up and two to eat, like, him
eat.

He doesn't look very good, pistachio.

It goes into his mouth, pistachio. The bread
around his mouth turns gray andpowdery as you realize it turns
to ash, and you see that hestarts coughing violently,
retching from the ash that goesinto his mouth and
says, no. It's a torture. It's a torture.
Replace me.

Wait. Okay. So you're chained here. You can't
eat. You can't drink.
What if I try to heal you? Hasanybody tried to heal you?

I do.
What is best for my town?

Look. Okay.

Alright. This is my fate.

Old grand Pappy, this guy. Look, you have a
fantastic fantastical familythat, like, runs this town and
makes beautiful apples and allof that stuff. And I

I wouldn't say the whole family is great.

Oh, yeah. True that one guy. Hey. Is Rich your
son?

Pick another presence check.

13 with fear.

Just to, like, take a step back, you've
so far come in

Mhmm.

For a split second hearing you. This person
communicated that you must bethe replacement, and you are
very specifically not thereplacement. Mhmm. You have then
shoved food in his mouth that'sturned to ash, and now you're
talking about his family. Mhmm.
He he there are two things hewants, and you're giving him
neither. And so you see he kindof looks at you and at the

(23:20):
mention of his family, his eyessquint. He sort of weakly
stands, a hand sort of going upthe staff, and he grips it. He
says,
if you're not part of my family, if you're not
here to replace me, and you arehere for this staff, you're

(23:42):
trying to ruin the town.
You see, holds a hand up towards you, and
a wave of green energy shootsout towards you. I need an
agility check from you.

Can I drop

a drop? I'm gonna say in this case, you are
still a little too far away, butyou're seeing this happen.
Pistachio did describe runningup to this person and run
running towards you. So I thinkClank is Crank is a little far
back in this case.

I do feel like this narratively makes sense. So
that is an eight with hope.

An eight with hope. Awesome. This magic hits
you and 18 points of damage toyou. You are flung back. And I'm
gonna say because you rolledwith hope, that means, you know,
it's not all bad.
Something good happens. So I'mgonna say you get flung back
right into cranks arms.

Oh.

There's a thud. Crank, you feel a pretty
strong thud against your chestas pistachio whams into it. This
guy starts screaming these allunintelligible screams at you,
and you see that cracklingenergy is surrounding him.

Yeah. And I think watching pistachio get
hurt like that, crank size justgo red.

Yep.

And he enters this unstoppable mode.

What does crank do?

I'm gonna turn around very slowly. I'm gonna
put Pistachio behind me. And I'mgonna turn back around, and I'm
just gonna march toward this

guy. Okay.

And when I get there, I'm gonna try to hit him.

So I have described we have established
that he's somewhat far awayMhmm. Which is probably about,
like, 50 feet away, which justgoes to show how far pistachio
flew. Crank, as you are movingup, it's just a little too far,
but go ahead and make me anagility check to get safely into

(25:34):
melee with this guy. This isbasically you can feel magic
shooting towards you. Thisagility check is both you sort
of running up quickly to him anddodging this magic.

It's a 14 with hope.

That's good that it passes. You are able to
get up there with magic, thistempestuous magic that is
surrounding this guy as you canfeel this aura of anger, of
hate, of built up resentment.And you are right next to him.
As this magic swirls around you,what do you do, Crank?

I'm gonna grab his head and one of my giant
gauntlets and lift him off theground.

Oh, and sure enough, you pick him up. He is
heavy, and it's because of thechains around him. And as you
touch him, it's all if youweren't made of metal, you can't
imagine what this guy would feellike. But you pick him up sure
enough. And what do you do?

Try to crush his head.

It folds like a Styrofoam cup as a soft squish
occurs. There is no explosion.There's no mass reaction.
Everything just stops. He fallsdead on the ground.

(26:57):
The staff continues to glow, butthe magic that you saw sort of
smoking up towards the roofceases.

I reach out and I grab the staff.

You grab the staff, and there's a jolt that
runs through you for a moment,and you pull it up out of the
ground and you're holding it.

I turn around and I blink a couple times until
my eyes go back to normal. Isay, look, Pistachio, I have the
stuff.

I think in this moment because one once the
beast once I since I tookdamage, the beast form went out.
So Pistachio fell down, like,and fell on their ass as, like,
a fawn. And then they basicallywatched wide eyed as Crank just
crushed somebody's head in. AndI think for anybody, that'd be a

(27:48):
lot. So I think Pistachio's justkinda, like, looking at Crank
with, like, a mixture of, like,confusion, horror, and just,
like is just kinda freaking outa little bit.
And they go, oh, that that thatwow. Yeah. Yay.

He was hurting you.

Yeah. I I haven't seen somebody's head crushed
like a rotten turnip before. Itwas like a pumpkin. Is my head
like a pumpkin? Okay.

(28:38):
Very good. Let's go. Let's go,Craig. We probably we'll
probably check it out of here.Sorry.
He's my stomach. Oh. Okay. As

you begin to turn to leave, we cut to Kapi.
You are standing out kind of inthe main road. You see the mayor
has sort of unbuttoned hisshirt, and now he's just sort
of, like, bare chested now. Hischest is really wet, and he's
just, like, kinda whispering toyou, like, can I tell you a
secret?

Do you

want to know something?

Sure.

I they call me mayor because it is my first
name. I'm not actually a mayor.What? Yes. I am just the

You have the key to the city.

I do. I'm a vassal for Viscount Balthazar.
He has assigned me to be the onewho rules this. I'm not even a
mayor. The elections are allfalse.
The elections, they don'thappen. They it means they text
them Oh, god.

Every time. I don't want any It's to the
viscount.

It's up to the viscount to decide who gets
to be his mayor. Who? It's me.The viscount, Balthazar.

He used to be

Earl Earl Edgar Balthazar, but then after
the war, he became a Viscount.He's very sensitive about it.

Okay. Oh,

this is why my wife left me. I cannot handle
these big emotions. I've been solonely. You don't know what it
is like to be with someone for ahundred years and says they
leave you because you cannothandle these big emotions.

Oh, god.

Can I tell you something?

Well, I mean, why stop now?

I am afraid of the dark. What? I'm so afraid
of the dark.

I need

I light a candle every night because I am
scared.

You sleep with a candle?

I do. Well, not with the candles. The
candles on the bed stand.

No. I know. That's cute. That's okay. Dark can be
scary.

The dark is so scary. Yeah. You never know
when something will pop out atyou. When I was a child, a dog
attacked me.

When I

was a young boy, I was in this town. I was
just a young boy.

Do I see anyone else around? You know,

it is late at night. Most people are asleep.
Yeah. And you see that it'sbasically you, him, and then
there's, like, a dude walking,kinda stumbling homes, and he
kinda just sees it to you and,like, puts a hand up and waves.
Yes, sir.
Yes. Hey. Who's who's who'swho's you? What's your name?

Yes. What'd do, Aaron? I think that mayor
raisins definitely has sometalking that he needs to he
needs some things and otherthings he needs to get off his
chest. And I, you know, I thinkthat, you know, you should you
should

talk
about What's his chest? Is he guys on the
chest?

Well, I think that's for you two to work out,
really. I think you guys aregonna make an excellent pair.

Oh, okay. You see that the mayor has sort of
just been leaning really heavilyon you.

Yeah.

And just sort of saying, like he's saying just
more things you don't wannahear. Right. And then you see
you kind of push him. He's like,eyes are closed. He's like, just
like crying.
He's like, tanning so much.

I'm just gonna like do that thing where like I
like slide under his, you know,I drop my shoulder under his arm
and then I kinda just, like, asI put his arm on the drunk guy's
arm and kinda just slip away isthe is the plan. Do I need to
roll for that?

Yeah. Give me a finesse roll.

Okay. My finesse is plus two. I'm not even
worried about it.

I'm not I'm not even worried for you. Can't
be so good at this.

Hell, yeah. That is a 21 with

You can do it. With fear? Oh, you you yeah.
You slip under and as you puthim on the other guy, you don't
even realize it's not you. Yousee the mayor says, Gabby, I
really appreciate you runningsecurity.
He says to the drunk guy, andthe drunk guy is like, yeah, you
can call me whatever you want.And you say, they they both

(32:35):
stumble away and copy as youlook down, you know, because you
rolled fear.

No. No. You look?

No. There's there's a little bit of the
connoisseurs on your jacket. No.Just on, like, the corner.

God. And I like to I whip it off as fast as I can.
And I I is are we close to thebar? Where are we?

You know, you were close to Town Hall. We'll
say, yeah, you're we're actuallynot close to the aphid tavern.
You're actually close to thehoneysuckle in.

Okay. I run into the honeysuckle in with the
jacket over my arms as if I'mholding a body. And I yell
emergency. I need I need someclub soda. Stop.
Please. Well, there's not muchtime.

You bust on in and you see that you're in an
inn, which looks so much italmost looks exactly like the
Aphid Tavern, except it's bunchof old people in here. In the
corner is Farmer Hitchens whowaves at you as he comes.

Please. And I, like, run up to the bartender. I
need club soda stat.

She's a bartender. She's just like older
fawn, which is like a bighandlebar mustache. And he says,
you need club soda.

I need I need club soda.

You a club soda.

You just

wait here, son.

Thank you, sir.

He he backflips into the back kitchen,
and then you see he comes outthrough you know, like, in those
kitchens when there's, like, alittle window that they can,
like, put food over. He, like,leaps through that, which is a
big club soda and, like, handsit to

you. Yes. I I

It's not too late, son.

I know. I know. I I start dabbing dabbing the spot
that I found with the You start

dabbing the spot. And Kapi suddenly, you get
chills up your spine. Likesomething horrific has just
happened. You kinda look around.You see the people are kinda
blinking, like, kinda looking ateach other, and then they kinda
shrug.
You know? It's weird. Ah, it'salmost over, like, run over my
grave or something. But, Kathy,in the back of your mind, some

(34:32):
of those visions start kindacome back to view, and you swear
for a split second, you havethis vision of just a big green
light shooting into the sky inthe middle of the forest.

Well, that's probably best not to think
about. Come on, jacket. Please.

You dab the jacket, and you get the clothes
on on the jacket.

Oh, thank god. Do I get the stain out? You do. Oh,
thank god.

It was so fresh. It was so fresh.

That's

good. And I I put the jacket back on.

You put the jacket back on a little wet from
the club soda. And you see thatFarmer Hitchens gives you a
thumbs up for a good job.

I give Farmer Hitchens a thumbs up.

Oh, he's smiling real big.

Yeah. He walks over.

Hey there, Kathy. Good to I was just
thinking about you the otherday.

Yeah. Still remember me. That's good.

Yeah. You can't help me with my turnip
problem.

Yeah. We well, we tried. Hopefully, of them were
salvageable.

Yeah. You know, they only got a couple,
thankfully. So, you know, andthen I actually checked in the
shed again.

There were

a couple in there too. So

Oh, in the shed. Yep. You don't say.

I know. I never put them in the shed, but
sometimes they just kinda walkin there, I think.

Alright. Let me ask you something. Yeah. I
should. Anything you've beenhere for a while.
Right?

I've been here about two hundred years or
so.
You know? I was I wasn't born here. I
actually moved in. So, you know,I Okay. Yeah.
Feel like I've
been here all my life, but I've been here
probably really more like ahundred and seventy five year
because I came when
I was just a wee child at 20 Have you noticed

anything weird going on in the last two weeks?
Say,

oh, well, you know, we've been gearing up for
the festival. So, you know, youknow, it's a it was a it was a
smaller crop this season.Typically, my turnips,
you know, my prize winning turnips, you know,
the big ones because every everyfarmer every farmer wants to
bring their biggest and best to the
festival.

Kapi and Joe are regretting. It

was a bit smaller this year,
you know? Well, it's tougher because, you
know, sometimes, you know, the
monsters, when they get bad,
you know, the bugs get bad. So you got the old
the old geek squad up in thecapital started talking about
the new Novocite and all. And,you know, they keep telling me
that eventually it's gonna comeinto farm equipment and

(36:49):
revolutionize my farm, but Istill believe in the old ways
with the rakes and the hose andthe digging with your hands and

the Yeah.

What was your question? I was like,

you No. My question is

Mhmm.

Hey. You wouldn't be thinking about anything
nefarious for the AppleFestival, would you? Because you
like you said, things arechanging. Right? Maybe you guys
are trying to throw a Hail Marypass before you lie in your

(37:26):
graves.

Woah. He kinda looks around real shady
like and says, now listen.Alright. I okay. I see what this
is.
Cyrus sent you to talk to usabout listen. We do it every
year. It's always really fun.Okay? Just because us old people
wanna have a little fun, play alittle prank on one of us.

(37:49):
It doesn't mean that it's gonnabe nefarious, he said. Look. He
puts a hand on your shoulder andsays, Gabby, look. Okay. Every
so often, every so often you puta turnip.
Okay. You put a turnip intosomeone's water pipes so that it

(38:10):
backs up so that when they goand try and open it, it shoots
out on them and gets them allwet. Alright? It's a harmless
prank. Alright?
Listen, sir. I understand. Heputs he puts another hand on
your shoulder. He's got twohands on his shoulder, and he
says, Nacab, I understand youreally care about Cyrus a lot.
So he probably sent you out herebecause he's just so

No. I'm not talking about Cyrus, Farmer
Hitchens.

Oh, well, then why ask why are you asking
about our little old people
prank that we do for each fans Apple Festival?

I wasn't. I was asking if you were planning
anything bad for the Apple.

Oh, no. No. Kapi.
Kapi. Listen. The Apple he puts a foot on your
knee and says, the AppleFestival is one of the most
sacred times of this of the yearin this town. Alright? Nobody's
doing nothing on the Applefest
other than having a good

time. Farmer Hitchens, and I like I I I pull
each arm and foot off of me andstand I'll see you in a few
months when you lose yourturnips again, and I just I head
out. I need to find my friends.

Oh, okay. Well, see you later. If you see
Cyrus, tell him he's still

I said coworkers. I just yell at him for no
reason.

He he blinks and you step out. And sure
enough, as you step out, youlook down the street, which is
canonically down the street fromthe town hall, and you see
Pistachio and Crank leaving thetown hall. How do they look
right now? How do the two ofy'all look?

It takes a while to get up the stairs.

Yeah. It does.

I think, like, halfway up. Crank has been,
like, slowly walking behindPistachio, like, being anxious.
And it's just, like, Pistachio,are you mad at me?

Pistachio, first off, looks very haggard because
that hurt. And I think also is,like, again, breaking out. And I
think because past 10 pistachiodoesn't have, like, quite
control, there's, like, almost,like, little signs of, like,

(40:11):
their magic kinda going a littleape shit. So there's, like,
vines kind of curling aroundtheir hands and face and of
touching all of them and they'refreaking out that they're a
pumpkin and all of this stuff.And so I think when Crank
finally speaks, they're like,what?
No. I'm not mad at I'm not madat you. Why would you why would

(40:35):
you think that, Crank?

Well, you looked upset down there. I
thought maybe I did somethingwrong.

No. No, Craig. You didn't do anything wrong. I
just I'm made of flesh, and hewas made of flesh. And it's kind
of jarring watching somethingmade of flesh squish like a
rotten rotten pumpkin.

(41:05):
You know? Like, do you see a lotof things made out of metal?
Like, you if they crushed thatthing really quickly and then
that thing no longer wasexisting, would that freak you
out a little bit?

Never had that experience, but it's it's hard
to crush metal.

I thought it was hard to crush skulls too. So I'm
not mad at you. You saved us.I'm really grateful. But that
was really gross.
And I'm freaking out just alittle bit. That was that was
Scarlet's great grandparent. Andhe was really old and drained

(41:53):
and it looked like the magicwould, like, do weird stuff and
the vines around their faceskinda, like, really going wild,
like, almost in a in response tothis. And they're like like,
they kept an old, old man downthere for who knows how long.

(42:14):
The mayor had to have knownthat.
Right?

Somebody had to know that.

And there and he was emaciated and just looked
like he had need it. And wetried to feed him a tur a
turnover and it turned to ash inhis mouth. And then he was
asking about a replacement andthen like, what if I was the
replacement and I had to bechained down there and for he

(42:41):
didn't even know what year itwas. He's been down there for
two hundred plus years. Hedidn't even know about the Apple
Festival.

I'm just gonna put my hand on Pistachio's
shoulder, like, kneel down on,like, the step below them. Like,
I would never let you become areplacement.

And then I think Pistachio, just because of the
stress and the energy, just,like, falls into crank and just
starts crying and sobbing andjust, like, I'm so scared. Like,
I just

It'll be okay. And I'm just gonna pick up
pistachio and carry them out.And I think that's how Kapi
finds us. It's just crank justcarrying pistachio through the
town square.

I love that. That's so beautiful. Kapi sees
them and goes, guys, he's like,they're a bit far away. He's
walking toward him. Guys, I justhad the scariest thing happen to
me.
My jacket almost was oh. Hey,kid. What's

Pistachio's having a hard time.

Hey, Pistachio.

Greg, do you have the staff?
I have the staff. Woah.

That's Oh, yeah.

We found the staff, but I I sort of killed
someone for it.

You killed someone for

it? Happy, we gotta get out of here. We'll
tell you. Blur it as we go alongwith

What? I don't think we need to get pistachio
home.

I don't think we need to go home. We have that.
We gotta we can't we can't bringthat to my house. I'm not
bringing that to my house.

Where should we take it?

We gotta go back to the the the dais. Right?

Now it's like 11PM. Where else are we gonna
put it?

Yeah. We should okay. Everyone just and Kapi's
like rubbing his temples. Okay.Hang on.
Everyone just stay calm. This isall part of standard procedure.

Kapi, a man got his head crushed like a pumpkin.
How is that part of standardprocedure? Kid.

Yeah. Kid.

I may have lost it a little down there.

Kid. Hey.

And they're, like, tearing up, and they just,
like, reach for Kapi and just,like, Kapi, tell me it's killing
me.

Hey. Oh, kid. And he kneels down. Okay. You saw
someone's head get crushed.
Okay. Were they trying toinflict harm?

Yes. Uh-huh.

Were they going to inflict harm on you?

Me.

Crank Crank saved you. Okay. Can I ask you a
question?

Mhmm. If

Crank was in danger and you could squish
someone's head, would you squishtheir head?

It probably wouldn't be my first option but
it was effective, I must admit.Okay.

Sometimes

we gotta make tough choices as adventurers,
especially if we're gonna getour recommendation and take on
bigger challenges. Are you cutout for this?

I don't know. I I just wanna I just wanted to help
people. I wanted to make themfeel better. And I just like a
pumpkin. It can't be Like arotted pumpkin.
I didn't know the inside of herhead was pink.

Yeah. I I look around and I look back at Crank

Mhmm.

Real quick. And I, like, try to, like, position
myself so that Crank can't seeme. And I'm just, I would crush
a head like a pumpkin for you,Pistachio. Okay? And I I give
you a little hug.
Just a little.

I think Pistachio, between Crank being
there and Kapi being there, nowthey're crying for a completely
different reason, which is thatthey feel loved. And they just,
like, latch on to Kapi, but,like, angle their head so that
they're not crying on

Yeah. Easy on the

jacket. Easy on

the jacket.

And they're like, they're just, like, shivering
for, like, a good second.

Long day. Hey. Whose head got crushed?

It's a long story, I think. You remember
this guy and I just turn on theprojector lenses?

It was

Scarlet's great great grandfather?

Yeah. He didn't look great. He definitely looked
like he was about a thousandyears old.

They had him chained.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Kapi gets up and he startspacing. You Scarlet?

Perhaps we should do this somewhere else.

We need to get out of the middle of town
square, Kapi. I will tell youeverything I promise, but we
can't do it here. They could belistening.

Speaking of listening, thank you for
listening to this episode ofDodoBorne. Tune in next time as
our heroes figure out what to donext. Somber Squawk on three.
One, two, three. Hey.

(48:17):
It's a podcast. Don't waste thisshit. Cut this out. Yeah. Give
me the 20.
Cut this out. I have my dice. Iswear I'm a good deal.

Don't cut that. Don't cut that.

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