January 5, 2024 • 22 mins
As we continue to highlight January being child-centered divorce month, we have a wonderfully intimate conversation to offer you to day.
Navigating the aftermath of a divorce can feel like steering through uncharted waters, especially when it comes to ensuring your children thrive. That's where Dr. Linda Altes comes in, lending her expertise to our enlightening discussion on crafting parenting plans in the child's best interests at heart. Our conversation traverses the nuanced terrain of co-parenting schedules, including the 2-2-5, 2-2-3 and 3-4-4-3 models, and how these arrangements can be adapted to meet the unique rhythms of your family life. As a seasoned psychologist specializing in family dynamics, Dr. Altes shares indispensable advice for how to create parenting plans in child custody mediation to reduce conflict preserve vital parent-child relationships .
When the calendar pages turn to holidays and special events, emotions can run high for separated families. Our episode offers strategies that respect family traditions while embracing the potential for new ones and offers coparents some great insight for how to celebrate holidays after divorce.
Dr. Altes underscores the need for co-parents to communicate effectively and lean into flexibility. Wrapping up with heartfelt thanks, we acknowledge the invaluable guidance provided by Dr. Altes, confident that her wisdom will resonate with listeners as they seek to foster a sense of harmony and stability for their children post-divorce.
Thanks for listening and I hope you'll continue to learn more about how you can peacefully divorce.
As a divorce mediation attorney in California, Scott Levin helps couples figure out the settlement terms and draft enforceable settlement agreements so they can divorce fairly without needing to go to court. Obtain closure peacefully through an amicable divorce. process that protects families and kids.
Visit San Diego Divorce Mediation for more information and to learn more about our mission to help divorcing couples make informed decisions and fair agreements through mediation or book a free virtual consultation.
Scott Levin, attorney, mediator, CDFA®
Chief PeaceKeeper
scottlevinmediation@gmail.com
858-255-1321
San Diego Divorce Mediation & Family Law
www.SanDiegoFamilyLawyer.net
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi everybody, my name is Scott Levin and I am the
founding partner at San DiegoDivorce Mediation and Family Law
and I am a professionalpeacekeeper and mediator, and
today we are blessed to have DrLinda Altus PhD with us.
Hi, dr Altus.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hello, attorney Levin Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Dr Altus is a licensed psychologist in San
Diego.
She has worked with familiesgoing through divorce since 2000
and she has the most incrediblereputation.
As we both live in San Diego,she's really an incredible
resource.
She is the former president ofthe San Diego Psychological
Association, along with manyother accolades, and she has
(00:47):
given us a few minutes today totalk in depth about parenting
plans.
Now, parenting plans for peoplegoing through divorce and
post-divorce.
It's a huge part of the process.
It's also possibly the mostemotional part of the process.
So there's a lot of feelingsand there's a lot of issues
(01:09):
around parenting plans and Ithought that having Dr Altus
talk us through some of theseissues and really focusing on
the health and well-being of thechildren would be a valuable
few minutes for all of us.
So thank you again, dr Altus.
And in terms of parenting plans, if you don't mind if we start
(01:31):
what what does the research tellus about how to best structure
these plans for the bettermentof children?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Well, thank you for asking that question and thank
you for inviting me to do thisinterview, because I really do
want to share the information inthe research we have about
parenting plans.
All parents really wantedwhat's best for their children
and need to know that ourresearch very, very strongly
(02:02):
supports children having regular, ongoing contact with each
parent as the most importantfactor.
So we want children to beseeing each parent on a regular
basis.
There's no one really rightparenting plan, which we'll get
(02:25):
into in a minute, but we want tohave that as a goal to maintain
regular, ongoing contact.
The other strong research thatwe have is that children's
adjustment to divorce and postdivorce is directly related to
the parents level of conflict.
(02:46):
So when parents are able tointeract civilly, support the
children's relationship with theother parent, the children
actually do quite well.
Now that that said, we know andyou have certainly seen every
parent, every couple goingthrough divorce has some level
(03:10):
of disagreement, conflict,disappointment with each other,
and that is pretty typical.
But what we do is we ask theparents to protect their
children from that conflict.
Do not get into disputes,disagreements at exchanges.
(03:34):
When you're exchanging thechildren.
Don't let the children overhearyour telephone calls.
That's one of the reasons Ireally love mediation, because
it gives the parents a forum towork out their conflicts and
disagreements and learn how tobetter communicate with each
(03:55):
other, which is critical for thechildren's adjustment, frankly.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, so, knowing that the goals of a continual
and ongoing contact and theminimization of tension and
openness and the openness ofconflict between co-parents,
what can you tell us aboutparticular parenting plans that
help accomplish those goals?
(04:23):
And, if you don't mind sharingsome examples that you often
recommend, that would bewonderful.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know, many parents come to me and wanna
know what is the very bestparenting plan, what should they
do?
And we don't have a one sizefits all kind of solution.
Whatever parenting plan youcome up with needs to work with
the parent schedules and thechildren's schedule.
(04:52):
Now we do live in a what'scalled a 50-50 state.
Our goal is to have you knowabout equal parenting time for
each parent, but interestingly,our research doesn't show that
50-50 parenting time is anybetter than 60-40 parenting plan
(05:14):
.
Remember, our goal is regularongoing contact with each parent
, and once the parenting timedrops below, say, roughly a
third of the time, it's justhard to have enough contact to
know what's happening in yourchild's life on a day-to-day
ongoing basis.
(05:35):
So one of the plans that we seeis and it sounds complicated,
it actually is morestraightforward than it sounds
is a five-to-two-five plan, andwhat this means is that the
children are with one parentevery Monday, tuesday, with the
(05:58):
other parent every Wednesday,thursday, and then the parents
alternate weekends, and the wayyou get that five is that during
one week the children are withone parent Wednesday, thursday,
friday, saturday, sunday.
The next weekend, the next week, they're with the other parent
Friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday.
(06:19):
Now, one of the reasons I likethis plan is you, the children
and the parents know where thechildren will be on any day, so
the children get a sense of oh,this is a day with my mom or
with my dad.
Parents are able to scheduledoctor's appointments, dentist
appointments and know where thechildren will be on that day.
(06:42):
So it's an easy way to rememberthe schedule, which I think is
important.
Another schedule that we seesometimes is 3, 4, 4, 3.
And there are many variationsof this plan that I always have
(07:02):
to look up because I can'tremember it.
And I worry about this planbecause if I can't remember it,
how does an eight year oldremember where they are which
week?
One of the simplest ways to do a3, 4, 3 schedule is to split
(07:25):
the weekends, and this actuallyworks for many families.
You know we don't always haveto have every other weekend.
Some parents clearly like totravel or go camping or go out
of town, but other families sayyou know, we're just here on the
weekend and I would love tohave one weekend day every week,
so you can do this type of itis another type of 50-50 plan,
(07:55):
where one parent has thechildren every Sunday, monday,
tuesday.
The other parent has thechildren every Thursday, friday,
saturday and you can alternateweekends and, I'm sorry,
alternate Wednesdays, notweekends, and that is a 50-50
split.
If actually one parent alwayshas that Wednesday because of
(08:18):
work schedule or otherconsiderations, it's a 60-40
split so they both work.
You can look up online otherways to do this.
3, 4, 4, 3, which I said I cannever remember and see what
works for your family, becauseit's more important it's more
(08:45):
important to have a schedulethat actually works for the
parents and the children than tohave some model that is sort of
standard in the community.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So yeah, I agree, and if one of the parents wants to
go out of town with the kids onthe 3, 4, 4, 3 for the weekend,
I think that you know plans canbe temporarily altered and days
can be traded through opencommunication between the
(09:19):
parents.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Absolutely.
That is the sort of keystone ofevery successful parenting plan
to have flexibility and to beable to make changes depending
on what's going on in the family.
So you can actually put thatinto your parenting plan if you
(09:42):
have this split weekend, thatevery month or two each parent
can request a full weekend andthe children will get to have a
full weekend with each parent.
Now the other thing is thatthings come up unexpectedly.
Parents get sick.
That's something we're allthinking about right now and
(10:03):
might be a good time to have thechildren just go to the other
parent while one parent is ill.
Sometimes now.
It used to happen in the pastnot so much now, but it will
happen again extended familymembers visit and we want the
children always to be able tosee their extended family
(10:24):
members, and so all plans Ithink that work well.
I have good communication, theability to be flexible, the
ability to trade days or timesthose are sort of a hallmark of
(10:45):
successful plans.
You know there's one 50-50 planthat we didn't talk about,
actually, because I don't likeit so much, but parents often
come up with well, let's just doweek on, week off.
That seems prettystraightforward and the reason
(11:06):
I'm not a big fan of that planis because it's a long time for
children to go without seeingone of their parents, and it's
also a long time for parents togo without seeing their children
.
Now, that said, I do think weekon, week off plans work with
(11:27):
teenagers sometimes who have awhole, many, many books to
transport, sports equipment,music equipment, and the moving
back and forth between homesjust gets cumbersome.
Now teenagers have a bettersense of time.
(11:47):
They are better able to stay intouch with their parents than
younger elementary schoolchildren.
So I do think that sometimesit's a workable model for
families with teenage children.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, no, I think that was incredibly, incredibly
valuable information, and let mejust briefly put a plug in for
the benefits of mediation interms of the flexibility because
parents, post divorce, aregoing to have to communicate
with each other in a way that'srespectful and to the point, but
(12:25):
they're going to have to tradedays and things will come up.
You cannot a hundred percent ofthe time on or just your days.
Things will come up vacations,other things that we're going to
talk about in a moment,sickness and through mediation,
co-parents learn how to discussand communicate and the
(12:46):
alternative of litigation isthat.
You know, what I often tellpeople is that your lawyers
aren't going to be there in fouryears when you are post divorce
and in need of communicatingwith your, with your former
spouse, about your, about yourkids and the parenting plan.
So I think it's reallyimportant that people learn that
can meet those communicationskills during the mediation
(13:08):
process, which affords them thatopportunity.
In terms of younger kids, letme ask you kids that are not yet
elementary school age, arethere different considerations
for those younger kids than andwith those plans change in light
of the in light of that youngerage?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
absolutely.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Younger children have veryspecial needs and we have
special parenting plans thataddress the needs of infants,
toddlers, preschool children.
We do not expect these veryyoung children to be able to
(13:52):
manage a 50-50 split like we cando with elementary school age
children.
I think it's a topic that isprobably addressed at another
time.
But overall we're looking at astep-up plan which will
gradually move into a more equalparenting time for each parent
(14:16):
and we're also very focused onthe developmental needs of the
child and you know, withtoddlers and infants and
preschoolers, that is quitevariable.
So these parenting plans forthe younger children under five
(14:37):
need to be very, very carefullycrafted.
Also, I think they require anincredible amount of flexibility
and communication between theparents, which is obviously best
handled in through mediation,because these children just have
(15:01):
very special needs.
They're moving quickly throughdevelopmental stages and it
requires a great deal ofcommunication between the
parents?
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah, no doubt, and it requires the parents to be
focused on the health andwell-being of their kids first,
which is sometimes difficult forpeople, because it sometimes
means that they'll see thoseyounger kids a little bit less
than they would like to, and Ithink that that's an important
(15:36):
point you've made.
So thank you.
In terms of another aspect ofparenting, plans that can be
hotly contested at times thatI'd like to talk briefly about
are holidays, vacations, specialoccasions, family traditions.
Tell us a little bit about theideal way that those sort of
(16:02):
days and events can be split andhow you prefer to set those up.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Well, you know, this is actually very hard for every
family, because we're talkingabout holidays, special
occasions, parents' birthdays,children's birthdays, and
everybody wants to be with theirchildren on holidays and
special occasions, and so thereare different ways of
approaching this.
(16:29):
You can share the holiday, youcan split it so that the
children see each parent on theholiday or their birthday, you
can alternate them so this yearyou have Thanksgiving, next year
(16:50):
I have Thanksgiving, or you cantrade them.
Sometimes we see families whereone parent loves Halloween and
the other parent loves the 4thof July, and so you can just say
okay, every year you get the4th of July and I get Halloween.
When we're looking at holidayand special occasion times and
(17:13):
school breaks, we look at whathave the family traditions been,
because we want to keep thoseintact as much as possible.
If the family has a traditionevery spring break we go visit
your family, every Thanksgivingweek we visit my family we kind
(17:36):
of.
If the children are used tothat pattern, we'd like to keep
that going.
So holidays are also times welook at the extended family and
how to incorporate them into thechildren's lives.
It's also, though, a time tocreate new traditions, because
the holidays won't be the waythey were if we're splitting
(17:59):
them, trading them, alternatingthem.
So it is a time for parents tocome up with new traditions that
they can start with theirchildren and with their extended
family.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Yeah, that's.
You know really great points.
Let me tell you I mean the bigtopic on everyone's mind,
especially with in California,schools will start closed and
with distance learning, I amworking from home.
I never worked from home before, so I loved getting out to my
office, but I'm working fromhome 90% of the time, so, and my
(18:39):
wife's a frontline worker, soso she is out of their home.
So we've in large, you know,kind of reverse roles to a great
extent, do you think, and if so, how do you think, that
COVID-19 is affecting, you know,the parenting plans and the
ideal setups of those plans?
Speaker 2 (19:02):
You know, this is putting a tremendous strain on
families and, as you know, it isvery hard to work from home
while parenting your children.
I mean, it's just difficult.
And so what I am seeing is anincreased need for communication
(19:23):
, support, cooperation.
I am seeing parents talk witheach other about I have an
important meeting on this day.
Can you watch the children?
And, hey, I've got thisobligation, can you cover for me
?
And really I think thatchildren benefit and the parents
(19:46):
are able to support each other,cooperate, communicate, be
flexible, not worry aboutpercentages at this time.
Let's just get our work covered, our children cared for, and
figure out how we're going to dothis and recognizing that these
are very, very challenging,different, difficult times.
(20:08):
It's really a tremendous strainon families and a time when I
think we really all have to stepup and help each other out to
parent the children and to getour work done.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
I think that's incredible advice and I think
everyone listening todayunderstands now why Dr Altus isa
leader in this industry.
She is someone that I rely onfor my clients and so many
others do.
Just a true it's anunbelievable resource for anyone
(20:48):
in California that is in needof her expertise.
Dr Altus, how do you preferpeople contact you if they're
interested in discussing yourservices?
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Oh well, thank you.
Thank you so much for having mehere, but you can always
contact me through my website,which is just lindaaltuscom, or
you can call my office at858-824-1914.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Well, thank you so much, dr Altus, for joining us.
I know, in coordinating this,that your time is limited and I
just can't tell you how much Iappreciate you spending a few
minutes, and I'm sure anyonelistening gained a lot of
valuable information andalthough this was just 20 or 30
minutes of discussion, there'scertainly a lot more that we
(21:48):
could go into greater depthabout, but I think this was
incredibly helpful and I justgreatly appreciate your time.
Thank you so much for joiningme.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Well, thank you for asking me to do this.
I really appreciate theopportunity.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Okay, I will talk to you soon, alright, thanks, thank
you.
Hi everybody, my name is Scott Levin and I am the
founding partner at San DiegoDivorce Mediation and Family Law
and I am a professionalpeacekeeper and mediator, and
today we are blessed to have DrLinda Altus PhD with us.
Hi, dr Altus.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hello, attorney Levin Hi.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Dr Altus is a licensed psychologist in San
Diego.
She has worked with familiesgoing through divorce since 2000
and she has the most incrediblereputation.
As we both live in San Diego,she's really an incredible
resource.
She is the former president ofthe San Diego Psychological
Association, along with manyother accolades, and she has
(00:47):
given us a few minutes today totalk in depth about parenting
plans.
Now, parenting plans for peoplegoing through divorce and
post-divorce.
It's a huge part of the process.
It's also possibly the mostemotional part of the process.
So there's a lot of feelingsand there's a lot of issues
(01:09):
around parenting plans and Ithought that having Dr Altus
talk us through some of theseissues and really focusing on
the health and well-being of thechildren would be a valuable
few minutes for all of us.
So thank you again, dr Altus.
And in terms of parenting plans, if you don't mind if we start
(01:31):
what what does the research tellus about how to best structure
these plans for the bettermentof children?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Well, thank you for asking that question and thank
you for inviting me to do thisinterview, because I really do
want to share the information inthe research we have about
parenting plans.
All parents really wantedwhat's best for their children
and need to know that ourresearch very, very strongly
(02:02):
supports children having regular, ongoing contact with each
parent as the most importantfactor.
So we want children to beseeing each parent on a regular
basis.
There's no one really rightparenting plan, which we'll get
(02:25):
into in a minute, but we want tohave that as a goal to maintain
regular, ongoing contact.
The other strong research thatwe have is that children's
adjustment to divorce and postdivorce is directly related to
the parents level of conflict.
(02:46):
So when parents are able tointeract civilly, support the
children's relationship with theother parent, the children
actually do quite well.
Now that that said, we know andyou have certainly seen every
parent, every couple goingthrough divorce has some level
(03:10):
of disagreement, conflict,disappointment with each other,
and that is pretty typical.
But what we do is we ask theparents to protect their
children from that conflict.
Do not get into disputes,disagreements at exchanges.
(03:34):
When you're exchanging thechildren.
Don't let the children overhearyour telephone calls.
That's one of the reasons Ireally love mediation, because
it gives the parents a forum towork out their conflicts and
disagreements and learn how tobetter communicate with each
(03:55):
other, which is critical for thechildren's adjustment, frankly.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, so, knowing that the goals of a continual
and ongoing contact and theminimization of tension and
openness and the openness ofconflict between co-parents,
what can you tell us aboutparticular parenting plans that
help accomplish those goals?
(04:23):
And, if you don't mind sharingsome examples that you often
recommend, that would bewonderful.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
You know, many parents come to me and wanna
know what is the very bestparenting plan, what should they
do?
And we don't have a one sizefits all kind of solution.
Whatever parenting plan youcome up with needs to work with
the parent schedules and thechildren's schedule.
(04:52):
Now we do live in a what'scalled a 50-50 state.
Our goal is to have you knowabout equal parenting time for
each parent, but interestingly,our research doesn't show that
50-50 parenting time is anybetter than 60-40 parenting plan
(05:14):
.
Remember, our goal is regularongoing contact with each parent
, and once the parenting timedrops below, say, roughly a
third of the time, it's justhard to have enough contact to
know what's happening in yourchild's life on a day-to-day
ongoing basis.
(05:35):
So one of the plans that we seeis and it sounds complicated,
it actually is morestraightforward than it sounds
is a five-to-two-five plan, andwhat this means is that the
children are with one parentevery Monday, tuesday, with the
(05:58):
other parent every Wednesday,thursday, and then the parents
alternate weekends, and the wayyou get that five is that during
one week the children are withone parent Wednesday, thursday,
friday, saturday, sunday.
The next weekend, the next week, they're with the other parent
Friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday.
(06:19):
Now, one of the reasons I likethis plan is you, the children
and the parents know where thechildren will be on any day, so
the children get a sense of oh,this is a day with my mom or
with my dad.
Parents are able to scheduledoctor's appointments, dentist
appointments and know where thechildren will be on that day.
(06:42):
So it's an easy way to rememberthe schedule, which I think is
important.
Another schedule that we seesometimes is 3, 4, 4, 3.
And there are many variationsof this plan that I always have
(07:02):
to look up because I can'tremember it.
And I worry about this planbecause if I can't remember it,
how does an eight year oldremember where they are which
week?
One of the simplest ways to do a3, 4, 3 schedule is to split
(07:25):
the weekends, and this actuallyworks for many families.
You know we don't always haveto have every other weekend.
Some parents clearly like totravel or go camping or go out
of town, but other families sayyou know, we're just here on the
weekend and I would love tohave one weekend day every week,
so you can do this type of itis another type of 50-50 plan,
(07:55):
where one parent has thechildren every Sunday, monday,
tuesday.
The other parent has thechildren every Thursday, friday,
saturday and you can alternateweekends and, I'm sorry,
alternate Wednesdays, notweekends, and that is a 50-50
split.
If actually one parent alwayshas that Wednesday because of
(08:18):
work schedule or otherconsiderations, it's a 60-40
split so they both work.
You can look up online otherways to do this.
3, 4, 4, 3, which I said I cannever remember and see what
works for your family, becauseit's more important it's more
(08:45):
important to have a schedulethat actually works for the
parents and the children than tohave some model that is sort of
standard in the community.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So yeah, I agree, and if one of the parents wants to
go out of town with the kids onthe 3, 4, 4, 3 for the weekend,
I think that you know plans canbe temporarily altered and days
can be traded through opencommunication between the
(09:19):
parents.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Absolutely.
That is the sort of keystone ofevery successful parenting plan
to have flexibility and to beable to make changes depending
on what's going on in the family.
So you can actually put thatinto your parenting plan if you
(09:42):
have this split weekend, thatevery month or two each parent
can request a full weekend andthe children will get to have a
full weekend with each parent.
Now the other thing is thatthings come up unexpectedly.
Parents get sick.
That's something we're allthinking about right now and
(10:03):
might be a good time to have thechildren just go to the other
parent while one parent is ill.
Sometimes now.
It used to happen in the pastnot so much now, but it will
happen again extended familymembers visit and we want the
children always to be able tosee their extended family
(10:24):
members, and so all plans Ithink that work well.
I have good communication, theability to be flexible, the
ability to trade days or timesthose are sort of a hallmark of
(10:45):
successful plans.
You know there's one 50-50 planthat we didn't talk about,
actually, because I don't likeit so much, but parents often
come up with well, let's just doweek on, week off.
That seems prettystraightforward and the reason
(11:06):
I'm not a big fan of that planis because it's a long time for
children to go without seeingone of their parents, and it's
also a long time for parents togo without seeing their children
.
Now, that said, I do think weekon, week off plans work with
(11:27):
teenagers sometimes who have awhole, many, many books to
transport, sports equipment,music equipment, and the moving
back and forth between homesjust gets cumbersome.
Now teenagers have a bettersense of time.
(11:47):
They are better able to stay intouch with their parents than
younger elementary schoolchildren.
So I do think that sometimesit's a workable model for
families with teenage children.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, no, I think that was incredibly, incredibly
valuable information, and let mejust briefly put a plug in for
the benefits of mediation interms of the flexibility because
parents, post divorce, aregoing to have to communicate
with each other in a way that'srespectful and to the point, but
(12:25):
they're going to have to tradedays and things will come up.
You cannot a hundred percent ofthe time on or just your days.
Things will come up vacations,other things that we're going to
talk about in a moment,sickness and through mediation,
co-parents learn how to discussand communicate and the
(12:46):
alternative of litigation isthat.
You know, what I often tellpeople is that your lawyers
aren't going to be there in fouryears when you are post divorce
and in need of communicatingwith your, with your former
spouse, about your, about yourkids and the parenting plan.
So I think it's reallyimportant that people learn that
can meet those communicationskills during the mediation
(13:08):
process, which affords them thatopportunity.
In terms of younger kids, letme ask you kids that are not yet
elementary school age, arethere different considerations
for those younger kids than andwith those plans change in light
of the in light of that youngerage?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
absolutely.
Thank you for bringing that up.
Younger children have veryspecial needs and we have
special parenting plans thataddress the needs of infants,
toddlers, preschool children.
We do not expect these veryyoung children to be able to
(13:52):
manage a 50-50 split like we cando with elementary school age
children.
I think it's a topic that isprobably addressed at another
time.
But overall we're looking at astep-up plan which will
gradually move into a more equalparenting time for each parent
(14:16):
and we're also very focused onthe developmental needs of the
child and you know, withtoddlers and infants and
preschoolers, that is quitevariable.
So these parenting plans forthe younger children under five
(14:37):
need to be very, very carefullycrafted.
Also, I think they require anincredible amount of flexibility
and communication between theparents, which is obviously best
handled in through mediation,because these children just have
(15:01):
very special needs.
They're moving quickly throughdevelopmental stages and it
requires a great deal ofcommunication between the
parents?
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah, no doubt, and it requires the parents to be
focused on the health andwell-being of their kids first,
which is sometimes difficult forpeople, because it sometimes
means that they'll see thoseyounger kids a little bit less
than they would like to, and Ithink that that's an important
(15:36):
point you've made.
So thank you.
In terms of another aspect ofparenting, plans that can be
hotly contested at times thatI'd like to talk briefly about
are holidays, vacations, specialoccasions, family traditions.
Tell us a little bit about theideal way that those sort of
(16:02):
days and events can be split andhow you prefer to set those up.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Well, you know, this is actually very hard for every
family, because we're talkingabout holidays, special
occasions, parents' birthdays,children's birthdays, and
everybody wants to be with theirchildren on holidays and
special occasions, and so thereare different ways of
approaching this.
(16:29):
You can share the holiday, youcan split it so that the
children see each parent on theholiday or their birthday, you
can alternate them so this yearyou have Thanksgiving, next year
(16:50):
I have Thanksgiving, or you cantrade them.
Sometimes we see families whereone parent loves Halloween and
the other parent loves the 4thof July, and so you can just say
okay, every year you get the4th of July and I get Halloween.
When we're looking at holidayand special occasion times and
(17:13):
school breaks, we look at whathave the family traditions been,
because we want to keep thoseintact as much as possible.
If the family has a traditionevery spring break we go visit
your family, every Thanksgivingweek we visit my family we kind
(17:36):
of.
If the children are used tothat pattern, we'd like to keep
that going.
So holidays are also times welook at the extended family and
how to incorporate them into thechildren's lives.
It's also, though, a time tocreate new traditions, because
the holidays won't be the waythey were if we're splitting
(17:59):
them, trading them, alternatingthem.
So it is a time for parents tocome up with new traditions that
they can start with theirchildren and with their extended
family.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
Yeah, that's.
You know really great points.
Let me tell you I mean the bigtopic on everyone's mind,
especially with in California,schools will start closed and
with distance learning, I amworking from home.
I never worked from home before, so I loved getting out to my
office, but I'm working fromhome 90% of the time, so, and my
(18:39):
wife's a frontline worker, soso she is out of their home.
So we've in large, you know,kind of reverse roles to a great
extent, do you think, and if so, how do you think, that
COVID-19 is affecting, you know,the parenting plans and the
ideal setups of those plans?
Speaker 2 (19:02):
You know, this is putting a tremendous strain on
families and, as you know, it isvery hard to work from home
while parenting your children.
I mean, it's just difficult.
And so what I am seeing is anincreased need for communication
(19:23):
, support, cooperation.
I am seeing parents talk witheach other about I have an
important meeting on this day.
Can you watch the children?
And, hey, I've got thisobligation, can you cover for me
?
And really I think thatchildren benefit and the parents
(19:46):
are able to support each other,cooperate, communicate, be
flexible, not worry aboutpercentages at this time.
Let's just get our work covered, our children cared for, and
figure out how we're going to dothis and recognizing that these
are very, very challenging,different, difficult times.
(20:08):
It's really a tremendous strainon families and a time when I
think we really all have to stepup and help each other out to
parent the children and to getour work done.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
I think that's incredible advice and I think
everyone listening todayunderstands now why Dr Altus isa
leader in this industry.
She is someone that I rely onfor my clients and so many
others do.
Just a true it's anunbelievable resource for anyone
(20:48):
in California that is in needof her expertise.
Dr Altus, how do you preferpeople contact you if they're
interested in discussing yourservices?
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Oh well, thank you.
Thank you so much for having mehere, but you can always
contact me through my website,which is just lindaaltuscom, or
you can call my office at858-824-1914.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Well, thank you so much, dr Altus, for joining us.
I know, in coordinating this,that your time is limited and I
just can't tell you how much Iappreciate you spending a few
minutes, and I'm sure anyonelistening gained a lot of
valuable information andalthough this was just 20 or 30
minutes of discussion, there'scertainly a lot more that we
(21:48):
could go into greater depthabout, but I think this was
incredibly helpful and I justgreatly appreciate your time.
Thank you so much for joiningme.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Well, thank you for asking me to do this.
I really appreciate theopportunity.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Okay, I will talk to you soon, alright, thanks, thank
you.
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