Crafting Collaborative Outcomes in Conflict with Alice Shikina's Wisdom

Get ready to unlock the secrets of successful conflict resolution with the expertise of Alice Shikina. In our work as dispute resolvers, we must have a knack for navigating the complex realm of human disagreements. Together with your host, Scott Levin, the Chief Peacekeeper, we journey into the heart of mediation, uncovering the subtle art of transforming disputes into opportunities for growth and understanding.

Tune in for a session that not only promises to alter your perspective on resolving conflicts but may also inspire you to see the potential for win-win outcomes in your personal and professional life. With Alice's sage advice and our shared passion for peace, this episode is a masterclass in turning contention into collaboration.

Scott Levin is a family law attorney in San Diego, CA. As a mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and the founder of San Diego Divorce Mediation. Mr. Levin uses his business and legal background to help parties resolve conflict and move forward. Learn more about Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin

Thanks for listening and I hope you'll continue to learn more about how you can peacefully divorce.

As a divorce mediation attorney in California, Scott Levin helps couples figure out the settlement terms and draft enforceable settlement agreements so they can divorce fairly without needing to go to court. Obtain closure peacefully through an amicable divorce. process that protects families and kids.

Visit San Diego Divorce Mediation for more information and to learn more about our mission to help divorcing couples make informed decisions and fair agreements through mediation or book a free virtual consultation.

Scott Levin, attorney, mediator, CDFA®
Chief PeaceKeeper
[e-mail]
858-255-1321
San Diego Divorce Mediation & Family Law
www.SanDiegoFamilyLawyer.net

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi everybody, this is Scott Levin, Chief Peacekeeper,
and I am here today with mygood friend and fellow mediator
extraordinaire, Alice Shakina.
How are you, Alice?

Speaker 2 (00:13):
I'm doing great.
Thanks for having me, Scott.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
So yeah, of course.
Well, thank you.
We just spoke for like a halfhour.
We could talk forever, but Iknow we're going to try to keep
this to 10 minutes and I justwanted to talk a little bit.
First of all, I know Alice fromProvisors.
We're both Provisors membersand she's in the Bay Area.
I'm down in San Diego, so kindof shows the power of Provisors.

(00:39):
But we've really hit it off.
Alice and I talked tipsstrategy.
I consult with her about casesthat I'm working on.
She really has the magic sauceand I just kind of thought that
we could talk for a few minutes,alice, about what we actually
do in mediation when you havetwo parties with opposing views,

(01:03):
about whatever we're there tohelp resolve.
And you know how do we asmediators and how do you as a
mediator, extraordinaire work tohelp people resolve their
disputes, and I just thought wecould talk some about some tips
and tricks and you know theactual work of mediation for a
few minutes.

Speaker 2 (01:21):
Absolutely so.
I like to think of the role ofa mediator as an investigator,
right.
So I'm there to ask a ton ofquestions.
I ask as many questions as Ican possibly come up with
because I'm really trying tofind out what is really going on
, because people don't come intelling us what's really going
on, even though they think theyare.
Like.

(01:41):
Sometimes people don't evenrealize what their own interests
are, and so by asking a lot ofquestions we slowly get to the
answer, and when we get to thatanswer, then we can start giving
solutions to the actual problem.
So that's sort of how I, atleast initially, approach the
problem.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
And so when two people like in the context of
any mediation I guess you knowwhat sort of probes you are they
open ended questions, do you?
How do you get people to feelcomfortable and kind of open up
to you, you know, and to get theconversation started?

Speaker 2 (02:19):
So two things no judgment and lots of warmth and
positivity.
So when people come in, I'msmiling, even if it's a divorce.
I'm smiling, at least not likeI'm super happy, but very warm
and friendly and inviting.
And I want to make sure that Iam not judging anyone.
I teach communication skillsand one of the things I always

(02:41):
ask is I say, how many of you inthis room have felt judged by
someone even though they didn'tsay anything, and almost 100% of
the hands go up, no matterwhere I am and who I'm going to?
So in the same way, if you're amediator and you're like sizing
people up, you know you figureoh, this is that husband is like
obviously been really mean tothe wife or this is a

(03:01):
narcissistic spouse or anything,any thoughts like that.
You're going to already wreckyour husband.
So you have to be very openminded and you have to really
like both people equally.
That is like the very beginning, when they walk through the
door, like you really shouldlike, really like them, be warm,
be friendly and just, you know,give them a feeling of love,

(03:23):
right, that you, that yourespect them as a human being,
that you hear what they'resaying, and that's really,
really important.
Without that, everything sortof starts sliding sideways,
wouldn't you agree?

Speaker 1 (03:36):
I totally agree and you know it's interesting that,
um, you know, you can make twopeople feel Like they've won,
even know they've changed theirmind and come to an agreement
that they didn't think that theywere going to.
Um, and it's all about, youknow, bringing in the people, uh
, you know, trying to genuinelyhelp, um them move forward with

(03:59):
whatever they're, you know,trying to move forward with in a
way that, um, that theyunderstand that if they do this
they're really winning, eventhough they thought that that
would be a loss when they firstwalked in the door.
And it's a really interestingKind of approach and thing that
that both of us see happening,happening all the time.

Speaker 2 (04:17):
Yes, I absolutely love that's that my magic wand
is.
My magic wand changes people'sperspectives, and so what I
really like to do is point outwhen they are winning and, if I
have to, I'll put them inseparate rooms so that I can say
look, if you get this, this isa win, and here's why.
But in order to be able to dothat, I have to understand what

(04:39):
it is that they really reallywant, and I say if you really
want this, then this other, thisagreement that you're going to
come to, is actually a win.
And here's why and once I layit out to them a lot of times
they'll be like oh, I didn'treally think of it that way.
Right, it's just, it's shiftingthe perspective just a little
bit, and it's like thinkingabout a ship.

(05:01):
When you're, when you'redriving a very large ship, all
you have to do is change theangle two degrees and two miles
later, it's a very, verydifferent outcome of where they
landed, right.
So I think of what I do asshifting a couple of degrees so
that they will land in a verydifferent direction later on.

Speaker 1 (05:22):
Yeah, and the in those.
You know any, any victory, anywin that you can have in
bringing people together, youknow, even as, however small, is
a win.
So that's totally like.
You know I love that two degreeAngle and over the, you know,
two degree angle over the courseof the entire Atlantic Ocean.
You know, put someone on awhole new trajectory and what

(05:43):
we're really trying to do is putpeople on new trajectories, get
rid of the.
You know being under thepressure of a litigation or a
lawsuit Of any kind, you know isreally can be a disruptive
thing in someone's life.
So you know money is one thing,but moving forward peace, you
know what's best for their kids.
You know, prospected a new life.

(06:05):
You know all these things needto be considered and I love how
you know you start by, you know,diving deep into those sort of
questions so that you can findout what the person really wants
, whether they know it or notthe other thing that I like to
Compare what I do.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
Sometimes I'll be mediating and there'll be
attorneys in the room and Ialways think about.
Attorneys are looking ateverything through a microscope.
They want to make sure thateverything is airtight, that
things are done correctly, so inorder to do that, they're using
microscopes.
You can't see the same thing ifyou're looking through a
telescope and I feel like I'mthe person looking through the
telescope and so I can see themuch larger picture.

(06:46):
So very frequently if I'mbrainstorming, I can throw out
ideas and help the parties,because I'm looking at it from a
very, very differentperspective from both the
parties and their attorneys.
I have a very differentperspective.
It's like looking through thetelescope, and so frequently I
can offer something and everyonein the room is like that's
actually a good idea.
We never thought of it, andthey won't have thought of it

(07:09):
because of the fact that they'recoming from different
perspectives.

Speaker 1 (07:12):
And you know what, what I realized now that I look
back on my life, as I was alwayskind of a mediator, like you
know, growing up, even third,fourth grade I was always a
problem solver, always trying tobring people together, do you
have kind of, when you look backon your life, are you surprised
that you ended up in this sortof profession, or does it really
to kind of line up with, likewhat you know, what your

(07:33):
personality really was fit for?

Speaker 2 (07:35):
So I would never really played the role of a
mediator, but I always playedthe role of a therapist, so I
was the person where my friendscame and told me about whatever
their problems they're having.
But I have to say, one of thethings that definitely is
translating back to my mediationpractice is that I have not
held judgment against people,and so I think in my entire life
people are always comfortablecoming to me and telling me

(07:58):
about their deepest, darkestsecrets.
And when I tell other peoplelike oh yeah, I hear people's
secrets, many people don'tbelieve me.
They're like why would someonejust tell you this if they've
met you like once or twice?
And I say I don't know, butthey do, they trust me, and they
tell me you know some of theirdarkest secrets.
And then they asked me foradvice or support or help, and

(08:18):
so I think that is definitelywhat makes me a really good
mediator, because, regardless ofwho I am mediating with, I
always leave judgment at thedoor.
I never let it come in.
I don't let it affect mythoughts, I don't let it affect
my actions and the way I treatpeople.
I really want to treat everyonewith respect, equally, and you
know, I want everyone to feellike we are on the same level.

(08:41):
I don't want anyone to everthink that I am better than them
.

Speaker 1 (08:45):
Yeah, and I think that really.
I mean, what you say is true.
You have all those things aboutyour personality are definitely
true from what I've experiencedand tell us a little bit about
the panel that you're.
You're speaking on a panel forthe what's organization, I'm
sorry.
Then they the one Canada.

(09:06):
Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yeah, so it's.
It's in British Columbia, it'sthe virtual mediation conference
and I'm speaking in a few hours.
So I'll be talking about twodifferent things.
One is for the unconference,and that one is about how my
theater practice and my pastinforms my mediation practice,
and the other is going to beabout my experience teaching

(09:28):
conflict transformation to theincarcerated in the Redwood City
Jails.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
Wow, that's really cool.
If people want to get ahold ofyou where, how do they find you?
Can you tell us you know?
Give us your information realquick.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
Yes, they can find me at Alice shakinacom.
Shakina is spelled S H I K I NA.
They can also email me at Alicedot shakina at gmailcom.
Perfect, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.