August 8, 2024 • 27 mins
Imagine never envisioning yourself married to someone with a child until a profound sense of faith guides you into the role of a step-parent. Charles shares his transformative journey from initial hesitation to embracing the path of step-parenting, alongside Tesa, who opens up about her fears and hopes of finding a partner who could truly love her child as their own. Together, they reveal the heartwarming story of how acceptance, faith, and love can create a beautiful, supportive family dynamic.
Balancing discipline and affection in a blended family can be a delicate dance. Charles and Tesa provide insights into the emotional challenges of accepting each other's roles in disciplining their children. Through personal stories, they highlight the journey from initial struggles to a united front, emphasizing the importance of raising respectful and well-mannered children together.
Finally, we explore the concept of a "bonus parent" and its powerful impact. Reflect on personal anecdotes about step-parents who became pivotal figures of stability and love, despite initial resistance. The discussion underscores the necessity of love, honesty, and commitment in blended family dynamics. We conclude with practical advice for couples to wholeheartedly support each other and their children, thereby enriching everyone’s lives. Join us for an episode filled with heartfelt stories, practical tips, and uplifting encouragement for anyone navigating the complexities of blended families.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What do you think the role is for the biological
parent and the step parent whenit comes to blended families?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That's.
That's that's big, I think.
Welcome to doing it with theday is the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, thanks for joining us foranother episode of Doing it With
the Daniels, where we helpcouples get it on in life,
marriage and ministry.
I'm Charles, I'm Tisa and weare here for another episode.
Baby, you ready to jump in?
I'm ready.
Good, good, good, how you feel.
(00:45):
I'm feeling good today, feelinggood, you feel good.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Look good.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Come on, oh, come on.
You talking about me, or youyou, oh, okay, come on, you look
good too.
Oh, thank you.
I always like how you look.
You're so good, we feel good.
Play good.
When you play good, they paygood.
(01:10):
They gotta make that money.
Don't let the money make youafter that what we talking about
today we are talking aboutblended families today.
I think that's a hot topic itis a very hot topic.
It's a lot that goes on withblended families and it needs to
be addressed okay, all right,so let me pose this question for
you.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Okay, what do you think the role is for the
biological parent and the stepparent when it comes to blended
families?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
that's.
That's.
That's big, I think.
Biological parents.
We're talking about two parents, one probably in the
relationship, one out we canlook at both of those and then
the step parent, which would beone in there.
Come on, look, let's answerthat at the end.
Okay, I think that'll be good,all right.
So at the end, hey, y'all hangon to the end and we'll address
that for you, especially thoseof you struggling with
(01:55):
navigating your blended families.
So what's up?
So we're a blended family, weare a blended family and what
that looks like.
So it's interesting.
(02:15):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
so my parents are divorced, but they didn't
remarry until later, so I didn'thave to grow up, you know, with
a step parent or anything likethat lucky you, so I was lucky
in that aspect, yeah, but I had.
Well, we have a blended family,yes, so we had to learn how to
navigate that.
So how do you feel, or when youdecided to, to get married?
(02:38):
I don't think marrying a womanwith a child was something that
you were planning on doing itjust kind of happened yes, no, I
wasn't.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I mean, as a young man in my 20s, I mean I had this
vision I'm gonna marry thiswoman and we're gonna just gonna
be her and I, and then fromthere we'll start to produce
children together and grow ourfamily that way.
Yeah, I never had the thoughtof I would marry a woman with a
child.
It just wasn't something that Iconsidered like it.
(03:08):
I never thought that would bemy life.
Yeah, you know, but like yousaid, it happened.
Yeah, and that comes fromnumber one.
I wanted to be with who God hadfor me and if God had a woman
with a child for me, I was coolwith that.
Now, if he had a woman withmultiple children for me, I
don't know, you don't know youhave to pray about that one.
Oh, I fast and pray, I don'tknow, because that's a lot of
(03:30):
responsibility.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
It's a lot of responsibility, but a lot of men
do it yes.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
And I respect and commend those men because it's a
big deal, right, it's nothingto play with.
I mean, you're taking on moreresponsibility than a man who's
just marrying a woman.
Yeah, you're taking on whatthey used to call back in the
day a ready-made family, exactlyyou know.
So you're going into it with afamily.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Yeah, and I don't want women with multiple
children to feel like they can'tget a man because they have
multiple children.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Yeah, and we know women who have multiple children
.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
That are married.
Yeah, there are men who arewilling to.
They love you enough and willaccept you and your children
exactly, and would be happy totake you on, yeah, and build
their life out that way, and itdoes not bother them one right.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So so you can have a happy marriage even if you have
children.
Don't feel like, because youhave two or three kids that you
know you're not gonna be able tofind anybody yeah, definitely,
definitely, I think it's.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I think it's a great opportunity, yeah, um, for both
parties, I mean especially forthe children.
Yeah, if you marry the rightperson that's going to be a
father or a mother to yourchildren and play their role as
they should, I, it's going tobless those children
tremendously.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Yeah.
So for me, when I was um datingyou and you know had Tyler, I
used to always feel like I'm notgoing to find anybody to love
my child like his biologicalfather would.
And that was just so crazy to me.
You know, looking back andthinking back on that, um,
because you know God sentsomebody who like really really
(05:08):
loved my child, just like thatwas his child, and so I can say
that that's something that youdid.
You loved him like it was.
He was your own, not even you,but your family, like your mom,
your, your sisters.
They never use like stepanything.
It's like Tyler is like yourchild and so there's no
(05:28):
difference.
They don't play, they didn'tpay a difference when you know
Trey came along and you knowTyler was by himself for the
longest.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
He got all the attention, so he got all the
attention.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
He was so spoiled and you know he took really good
care of him.
But I just look back on thatand I'm just like man.
I thank you, god, you know yousent me this man who really
loves my child, um and you justtreated him like he was yours,
and I just really reallyappreciate that.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, and we've all heard the horror stories of
things that go a different way.
I was blessed because my mother, uh, when I got ready to marry
you, I shared with her you know,yeah, I want to marry her and
yes, there's a child involved.
How do I approach that?
I think it's the question Ikind of posed her and she kept
it real simple.
She didn't go into anyelaborate detail, she was just
(06:16):
like you know what to do, dowhat's right.
She said love him like he'syour child.
If you're going to marry her,then you have to accept her
child as he's yours.
Yeah, and you love him, youtake on the responsibilities of
a father and you give him all ofthe duties that are owed to him
as a father.
If you're not going to love herand her child as you should as
(06:40):
a husband and as a father, shewas like don't marry her, you
don't have to marry her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So if you're not going to do what you're supposed
to do, don't do it, becausethen it gets in a situation of
you I'm not treating you rightand you're seeing your child not
being treated and lovedproperly yeah which is going to
obviously going to createproblems between us yeah, and so
those were some of the signsthat I was looking for to see
how you treat him, versus somuch of how you're treating me,
(07:08):
because I didn't want to getwith somebody who was going to
disrespect, be mean to my childjust because you know they can,
or they really didn't like him,and so I was looking for that,
but I never saw any red flags orsigns that you know you were
going to be like really mean,vindictive, treat him a certain
kind of way, you know, and sothat's why I felt comfortable
(07:30):
moving forward with you, becauseI knew it was important, you
know that I find somebody thatwould treat my son like that was
it?
Like you were his own, like hewas yeah, so that's one thing
that I can really appreciate.
But I think it wasn't easy, Iwould say, because, especially
when the discipline came intoplace, it was really really hard
(07:53):
for me to be okay with youdisciplining him in certain
aspects, and I remember, youknow, when they're so young and
they're so little, you just like, oh, like, oh, that's my baby,
and you don't want them to get awhooping.
You know it's like I can whoopthem, but I don't know about you
whooping them yet WhoopingDon't be talking about whoopings
over here.
I don't want to say aboutwhooping, disciplining, no so.
(08:16):
But you know it was hard, washard for me, you know, um,
because I had to really reallyknow that you loved me and that
you loved him, and so whenthey're little, you know, you
just don't, you don't wantnobody touching your baby, right
?
You don't want nobody whoopinghim.
And so it was really hard forme.
I think, um, when he had to geta whooping when he was really,
(08:38):
really young, you remember Iused to have to leave the house,
yeah, I would get in my car andI would have to leave the house
because I could not stand tohear him, uh, getting in trouble
yeah you know, and so that wasreally hard for me.
Um, back then, but I think itkind of switched when he got
like in middle school and he hadto get a whooping and so I
(09:01):
wasn't leaving the house, then Iwas like, yeah, get him.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Whoop, that trick get him.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I didn't say that I didn't say that, but I remember
you was, you was whooping him.
He had did something like sobad and I was like yeah, and I'm
in the background, get him.
You know, because such and suchand I'm like oh my god, this is
crazy.
But and it was still hard forme, uh, but I knew, because you
were doing that, that you reallyloved him.
(09:27):
You know you really cared forhim, you cared about him, you
wanted him to grow up a certainkind of way, you wanted him to
be a respectful young man.
You know you just didn't lethim be just wild out here.
So I can really appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
But it was hard, yeah , it was really hard I know we
believe that we cannot spare therod.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You know, everybody doesn't agree with disciplined
children.
I'm a firm believer, we're firmbelievers.
They have to be disciplined,otherwise children can go crazy.
It's not all corporalpunishment.
It's not all whoopings likethat.
You know there are differentaspects because we see there's a
different way we discipline ouroldest child.
While he may get them, it'sdifferent.
(10:07):
There are different ways we cango with him and that's the
thing people have to realize.
With your children, all yourchildren, are going to be
different.
Yeah, how you discipline themneeds to be different.
You can't use the same thingfor every child.
Because some kids need whoopingyeah, some don't need whooping,
right.
Some you just got gotta takesomething from you, right, you
(10:29):
take them from.
They fall right in line.
Yeah, you know they just valuethings so much, or whatever it
could be.
So I think that's that's key.
I remember the first time I hadto get him, had to get Tyler we
were still dating, mm-hmm, andit happened just naturally.
It wasn't anything like youwant me to get him or he had
been falling out in the floorthrowing tantrums.
He was just at that age and youkind of just let him just
(10:50):
holler like whatever.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
He'll stop when he's done and I was like so I would
get him later.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Oh, you didn't get them in front of me.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
I didn't get them in front of people.
Oh, okay, no.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
But I got them.
Well see, I thought I was likeokay, so need some discipline
around here, because you justletting him act a fool, because
you remember when we would go tothe restaurants and he would,
You'd take them to the restroom.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, I'd take them to the restroom.
And I used to have to say youwant to go to the restroom, I
want to go to the restroom.
But sometimes I'm like come on,go into the restroom and I
would take care of him in therestroom, go back out.
He's a perfect child.
But yeah, I didn't really likejust discipline my child in
front of people.
But oh yeah, he got it.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, I think he was doing all that and throwing his
little tantrum and probably thefirst couple times I didn't say
anything.
But after that I just got tired.
I snatched him up so quick,like you better stop.
He like what just happened andI looked at you like well, hope
that was okay, like we in thisnow, hey, hey.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
But that was nothing compared to like at the house,
Like when we got married and youknow.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
And it wasn't any abuse, no, no, no, like it was
really, it was love, it wasdiscipline.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
You know, we're never going to abuse our children, no
.
But we are going to disciplinethem and raise them in the
proper way because we don't wantthem to get out here in society
and lose their mind.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
So being a blended family is real.
Like I said earlier, I think Ifa man is going to marry a woman
with children, if a woman isgoing to marry a man with
children, number one you need tomake sure you're truly going to
love and accept those childrenRight Like you're going to
accept that person Exactly?
And if you're not, leave themalone.
(12:33):
That's not the relationship foryou.
Don't talk about, I'll try itand it'll get better.
No, you would do better to goon about your business.
Yeah, exactly Because.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Don't talk about.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
I'll try it and it'll get better.
No, you would do better to goon about your business.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Because what you're going to do is you're going to
damage those children.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You're going to bring harm to those children because
you're not going to treat themright and you may not do
anything directly to them, butthey're going to feel the lack
of love in the home.
They're going to feel the lackof value in the home and that
one spouse.
What will happen is they willtry to overcompensate for what
their step parent is not, is notdoing.
(13:05):
Yeah, and that does not workright.
You can try your best and thatchild will know you love them,
but they're still going to seethat this parent here does not
treat me right.
They don't care for me.
They may not even want me hereright exactly and that's.
That's hurt, yeah, and harmfulto children.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Especially and I think people need to just really
understand that the childrenare affected.
Yes, More than anything.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
And it just it takes them into like their adulthood,
and sometimes that's why theyact out.
Yeah, because of home life,yeah, because of what they have
to deal with at home, and theycan feel when they're unloved.
You know what I'm saying?
They can feel when they're notwanted, and so I think it's very
important that, if you're goingto marry somebody with child or
children, that you really,really understand that you're
(13:51):
not just getting that spouse,you're getting them and what
comes along with them.
It's a package deal, it's apackage deal.
And you have to accept the wholepackage, yeah.
And if you don't want thepackage, hey, move on.
Move on, ask god to send yousomebody else with no children.
And I think people need to bereal and say you know, I don't
(14:11):
want to have, I don't wantanybody with kids.
If you know that deep downinside that you don't want that,
then you need to.
You know, not get with anybodyand saying, yeah, you know, I'm
gonna see.
Like you said earlier, let mesee if it's gonna work.
Just go on and just be donewith that.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah, be honest about it, yeah be honest about it
because, like I said earlier,you're going to hurt those
children.
Yeah, in the long run you maynever know it, because most
times children don't have avoice right when they're growing
up or they get blown off likeyou don't know what you're
talking about.
But that child knows what, whatthat child is feeling right and
as they get older they'll beable to articulate yeah.
(14:49):
Yeah, I didn't feel loved, Ididn't feel valued, I didn't
feel wanted, I didn't feelappreciated by by you yeah and
it.
It also can damage that child'srelationship with their
biological parent.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It can breed resentment.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Mm-hmm, yeah, because they already have to deal with
certain things you know already,with the biological parent not
being there.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
So it just adds on to that.
You know that trauma.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
A hundred percent, mm-hmm, I think that's so real.
But there's a way you can do itright.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Love them like they're your A hundred percent,
I think that's so real.
But there's a way you can do itright.
Love them like they're yourchild, show respect for them and
give them the duties.
If you're going to be a parent,be a parent.
Which means for me, like withTyler, I took a position of
that's my son.
So whatever I would do with myson, I'm going to do with him.
We're going to go to sports.
We're going to do to sports.
We going to do sporting things.
We going to hang out.
I'm going to feed you.
We going to talk.
We going to talk about girls asyou grow up.
(15:42):
We going to talk about life.
We going to talk about bullies.
We going to talk about whatever.
If you need a parent at school,guess what I'm showing up at
the school.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah, and see, I love that about you because when a
lot of people meet, you saysthis when I met your husband, it
was no step, nothing, that washis child and uh, and nobody
like you didn't have to tellanybody that, hey, that's really
my stepchild or that's not mybiological child.
You never like walked arounddoing any of that.
(16:10):
They said when I met him thatwas his child and they didn't
even know it unless we told themright, you know yeah or unless
they looked at him maybe and sawyou know oh, he looked just
like your mom.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
But they say, if you feed them long enough, they
start to look like you.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
But I love that.
You know people, people canthey say that about you, like
you know when they meet you.
It was never Tyler was stepanything.
That was his child, and sothat's how you approached it.
You know, with people that youknew and people that didn't know
and people that did know it wasnever.
Yeah, this is my stepchild oranything like that.
It was your child.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I knew what I had experienced being a stepchild
Not all bad, but not all goodeither and I did not want to put
that on somebody else.
You see what I'm saying.
I didn't want him to feel.
I didn't want him to ever feelwhat I felt yeah as a stepchild
I wanted him to know that Imight not be your biological
(17:07):
father right but I love you andwherever I gotta show up for you
, I'm gonna show up for you.
I'm gonna be there for you andI'm gonna do everything I can to
see you succeed in life.
Yeah, and that is what it is.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And you did that yeah .
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I mean, I did the best that I could, you did that
and so much more.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Yeah Did more than a lot of people would do.
Yeah.
I mean we do what we can.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, to make everything work the best way it
can work.
Yeah, so back to your question,your original question.
Go into it, tell me again soI'll make sure I'm clear on what
you asked me.
I don't remember.
Oh, you don't remember.
Okay, you asked me what's therole of the biological parent
(17:49):
and the step parent, right?
Yes we're gonna make you somenote cards or something, so you
get remember usually I have itin my notes.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I don't think I write right now.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah, you just want to ask questions so so I think
we talked about it in thisepisode yeah the role of the
biological parent, or settingthose boundaries and really
understanding, uh, as a, as astep parent, you function like a
parent, right?
Like move the step out.
You're just a parent.
Yeah, be a parent to that child.
(18:20):
Um, the biological parent hasthe, has the responsibility of
supporting.
Like, don't make it a, that'smy child, you got nothing to do.
No, when it comes to discipline, when it because when it comes
time for shopping, you, you wantsome of my money, right, right.
When it comes time for food,you want me to pay for the meal.
I can't sit.
Sit at the table.
I'm paying for you, baby, Iain't paying for your kids.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
No, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
So if I'm going to be a parent that feeds them and
puts a roof over their head,then we're going to be a parent
at all times, and so bothparties.
So the biological parent has tounderstand that this parent has
a right to correct yourchildren, and you may need some
understanding about what thatcorrection looks like, because a
certain level of trust rightneeds to be there for that, uh,
step parent to do certain thingsin correcting that child,
(19:07):
discipline that child.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
That's when all parties, all the adults, need to
be able to, if possible ifpossible if possible, they need
to get together and talk aboutwhat they need to do for the
well-being of the child yeah youknow what I'm saying take the
children in consideration and ify'all can talk about you know
boundaries or what will work andwhat won't work, then you need
to do that, because I know somepeople with blended families.
(19:30):
You know they don't disciplinethe child.
They send the child to thebiological pair and make them be
the disciplinary because theydon't want you know the other
person discipline and oranything like that.
But you gotta kind of talk andfigure out what works for you,
because everybody's situation isdifferent yeah but it always
needs to stem back to what'sbest for the child, what's?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
best for the child at the end of the day, all parties
involved yeah need to considerwhat's best for the child
exactly and and, like you said,there needs to be an
understanding between theparents that are involved in
that process.
If the biological parentoutside of the home, the other
parent is not in the child'slife, yeah, then obviously the
biological parent and the stepparent need to work together and
(20:13):
have that understanding right.
If the other biological parentis involved, then they all need
to understand on what thisrelationship looks like, and I
think that still goes back towhat you said.
We work together to do whateveris best for the child which
means we need to get along.
We don't need to be bickeringand arguing back and forth and
(20:33):
acting crazy with each other.
We need to do what's going tobe best for this child.
See, all of our parents all ofus as parents have history, yeah
, but we have to be careful thatour histories don't shape the
future of those children.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
And so I think, understanding that, even when it
comes to like ballgames, let'sjust use this, for example when
we go to the ballgame as astep-parent, I got a right to be
at the ballgame.
Yeah, step parent, I got aright to be at the ball game.
Yeah, just like the biologicalparent, right, but I'm going to
respect that biological parent.
Yeah, wanting to be involved.
I'm not going to get in the wayof that.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Yeah, you see what I'm saying so.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
So when the biological, when the kid, wants
to hug his biological parent,I'm not going to try to run and
get the help for hug first.
Yeah, no, that's that child'sfather or mother or whoever.
I'm gonna let them have that,because that's they should have,
their relationship yeah youknow.
But at the same time I want tohug too right, because you live
in the house with me, you know Itake care of you I love you,
just I want.
I'm cheering for you too, rightyou know.
(21:32):
So, real step parents reallywant, they want the same thing
yeah, exactly but I think wehave to know when to step back
and make hey, yeah, that's thatbiological parent and their
child.
I gotta respect, yeah, theirrelationship, you know and that,
and the biological parent alsohas to respect it.
Here's something key thatbiological parent can't sow bad
(21:57):
seeds into the child, especiallywhen they're with them outside
the home.
And then you send that childback to bring chaos back into
their family unit with theparent and the step parent.
Like, like, don't do that.
If you're a biological parentand this the step parent is
doing right by your childraising your child, loving your
child, providing for your childDon't say little crazy stuff,
(22:20):
yeah, when that child is withyou and you sow seeds in this
impressionable child to try toturn them against a step parent
because you don't like the factthat you're no longer with.
You know the mother or thefather.
Don't do that.
Grow up, yeah, be mature andrealize, hey, it didn't work out
right, but I'm not gonna poisonmy child and then make them
(22:40):
toxic to the relationship whenthey go back home.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Hey, are they treating you right?
You're doing good.
You're doing good in school,they're providing for you.
Okay, then you keep doing thegood work.
You show that man respect, youshow that woman respect and you
don't get out of line or I'mgoing to get you Right.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, and then they learn waita minute.
I need to respect thisstep-parent and teach them to
value them.
Like, wait a minute, that'syour, I'm the one that you came
(23:09):
from, but, due to circumstances,this person is a good person.
They're doing right by you.
Respect and value that you seewhat I'm saying.
I look at it now.
Some people use the term bonusparent.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah, I've heard that .
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I think that's a great term, yeah it is good.
Most of us we have two parents.
We got a biological mother,biological father right.
But in a step-parent situation,while you know it's not the
greatest of circumstances if youget the right one.
You got a bonus parent.
You got somebody else nowthat's taking on the
(23:43):
responsibility of yourwell-being as a child, even as
an adult now.
My mother and my stepfather Ihad a great stepfather growing
up.
He was kind to us.
I mean, we played ball together.
He was like a father as much ashe could be up.
He was kind to us.
I mean, we played ball together.
He was like a father as much ashe could be.
Now he's never heard me saythis, but I'll say this on our
podcast Me and my sisters waslike man, you're not our daddy,
man, you know, but we got adaddy.
(24:04):
We don't need you to be ourdaddy.
You married to our mama.
You was in middle school thoughright, yeah, well, I think, yeah
, middle school going to highschool.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Okay, yeah, don't need you be no daddy to me.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
But as we grew up and matured I realized he did play
a role a fathering role.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
You know, and he did it well, although he did as best
as he could.
He would have done more If youwould have allowed it.
We didn't allow it.
We didn't to be more of arelationship.
As I get older, I see the errorin that now, but I was younger
and I was mad because my parentsweren't together and I'm like
you know, I don't need noreplacement.
(24:40):
My dad, but he's a good he is agood man.
He's a good man he's kind andI'm grateful for him being
married to my mother yeah thathe was willing to take my mother
and her children and provide acomfortable life for us.
We didn't have a bad life.
You see what I'm saying.
He provided a level of comfortthat my mother would not have
(25:01):
been able to do on her own.
You see what I'm saying, andeven that is not perfect, but I
appreciate what he did do,because he didn't have to do it
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
He is a's good man and I just, I love, I love that,
love that story, and glad thatyou recognize it now, because
you couldn't see it as a child,you know um I was trying to
defend my dad.
I got it, dad and even with,you know, tyler coming around
like he's not like acting likeoh well, that's not her
biological grandchild.
(25:32):
Like he's not like acting likeoh well, that's not her
biological grandchild, Tyler.
You know he did more with Tylerthan he did with Trey, you know
almost because you know thedynamic, like they going out
deer hunting, you know just allkind of stuff Fishing and
everything Like yeah, and it wasjust amazing to see you know
how he loved him and you know hedidn't have his.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
you know, biological yeah, I think divorce, if
divorce is involved, or justhaving children out of wedlock,
yeah, it's not the idealsituation, especially for us as
believers yeah but it can't.
It doesn't have to be a bad itdoesn't have to be terrible if
the adults involved exactlywould handle it with dignity,
(26:12):
respect and honor for God andvalue for those children and
that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Like, with God being present, I feel like my
situation was really, really itwasn't as bad as I thought you
know it could have been.
You know, having a child andand trying to figure out, you
know, am I going to get married?
And then you know, becauseyou've got to consider all of
that, not only are you marryingsomebody, but you've got to
(26:37):
figure out their side how arethey going to treat your child,
you know?
So it's all of that that playsa part, and I was very grateful
that God was with us you knowthrough all of this.
So it was good.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Sounds good to me.
Well listen, I enjoyed that Didyou enjoy that.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
It was good yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Hopefully that helps some couples out there that are
in blended families or thosethat are thinking about marrying
someone with a child.
Listen, we're all for it.
We support 100%.
Just make sure you do it theright way, exactly, and really
love that child the same wayyou're going to love that, that
partner.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
And honor God and man .
God can bless that.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, and it can be a good thing.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
It can change a child's life.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yes, it really can.
I think our son really knowsthat you love him.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Absolutely.
I love him.
Oh man, that's my dude rightthere.
Well, listen.
Thank you all for joining usfor another episode of Doing it
With the Daniels.
We'll see you at the next.
Go around, Take care, hey.
Thank you for joining us fordoing it with the Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
What do you think the role is for the biological
parent and the step parent whenit comes to blended families?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
That's.
That's that's big, I think.
Welcome to doing it with theday is the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, thanks for joining us foranother episode of Doing it With
the Daniels, where we helpcouples get it on in life,
marriage and ministry.
I'm Charles, I'm Tisa and weare here for another episode.
Baby, you ready to jump in?
I'm ready.
Good, good, good, how you feel.
(00:45):
I'm feeling good today, feelinggood, you feel good.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Look good.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Come on, oh, come on.
You talking about me, or youyou, oh, okay, come on, you look
good too.
Oh, thank you.
I always like how you look.
You're so good, we feel good.
Play good.
When you play good, they paygood.
(01:10):
They gotta make that money.
Don't let the money make youafter that what we talking about
today we are talking aboutblended families today.
I think that's a hot topic itis a very hot topic.
It's a lot that goes on withblended families and it needs to
be addressed okay, all right,so let me pose this question for
you.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Okay, what do you think the role is for the
biological parent and the stepparent when it comes to blended
families?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
that's.
That's.
That's big, I think.
Biological parents.
We're talking about two parents, one probably in the
relationship, one out we canlook at both of those and then
the step parent, which would beone in there.
Come on, look, let's answerthat at the end.
Okay, I think that'll be good,all right.
So at the end, hey, y'all hangon to the end and we'll address
that for you, especially thoseof you struggling with
(01:55):
navigating your blended families.
So what's up?
So we're a blended family, weare a blended family and what
that looks like.
So it's interesting.
(02:15):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (02:16):
so my parents are divorced, but they didn't
remarry until later, so I didn'thave to grow up, you know, with
a step parent or anything likethat lucky you, so I was lucky
in that aspect, yeah, but I had.
Well, we have a blended family,yes, so we had to learn how to
navigate that.
So how do you feel, or when youdecided to, to get married?
(02:38):
I don't think marrying a womanwith a child was something that
you were planning on doing itjust kind of happened yes, no, I
wasn't.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I mean, as a young man in my 20s, I mean I had this
vision I'm gonna marry thiswoman and we're gonna just gonna
be her and I, and then fromthere we'll start to produce
children together and grow ourfamily that way.
Yeah, I never had the thoughtof I would marry a woman with a
child.
It just wasn't something that Iconsidered like it.
(03:08):
I never thought that would bemy life.
Yeah, you know, but like yousaid, it happened.
Yeah, and that comes fromnumber one.
I wanted to be with who God hadfor me and if God had a woman
with a child for me, I was coolwith that.
Now, if he had a woman withmultiple children for me, I
don't know, you don't know youhave to pray about that one.
Oh, I fast and pray, I don'tknow, because that's a lot of
(03:30):
responsibility.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
It's a lot of responsibility, but a lot of men
do it yes.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
And I respect and commend those men because it's a
big deal, right, it's nothingto play with.
I mean, you're taking on moreresponsibility than a man who's
just marrying a woman.
Yeah, you're taking on whatthey used to call back in the
day a ready-made family, exactlyyou know.
So you're going into it with afamily.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Yeah, and I don't want women with multiple
children to feel like they can'tget a man because they have
multiple children.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Yeah, and we know women who have multiple children
.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
That are married.
Yeah, there are men who arewilling to.
They love you enough and willaccept you and your children
exactly, and would be happy totake you on, yeah, and build
their life out that way, and itdoes not bother them one right.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
So so you can have a happy marriage even if you have
children.
Don't feel like, because youhave two or three kids that you
know you're not gonna be able tofind anybody yeah, definitely,
definitely, I think it's.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I think it's a great opportunity, yeah, um, for both
parties, I mean especially forthe children.
Yeah, if you marry the rightperson that's going to be a
father or a mother to yourchildren and play their role as
they should, I, it's going tobless those children
tremendously.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Yeah.
So for me, when I was um datingyou and you know had Tyler, I
used to always feel like I'm notgoing to find anybody to love
my child like his biologicalfather would.
And that was just so crazy to me.
You know, looking back andthinking back on that, um,
because you know God sentsomebody who like really really
(05:08):
loved my child, just like thatwas his child, and so I can say
that that's something that youdid.
You loved him like it was.
He was your own, not even you,but your family, like your mom,
your, your sisters.
They never use like stepanything.
It's like Tyler is like yourchild and so there's no
(05:28):
difference.
They don't play, they didn'tpay a difference when you know
Trey came along and you knowTyler was by himself for the
longest.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
He got all the attention, so he got all the
attention.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
He was so spoiled and you know he took really good
care of him.
But I just look back on thatand I'm just like man.
I thank you, god, you know yousent me this man who really
loves my child, um and you justtreated him like he was yours,
and I just really reallyappreciate that.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, and we've all heard the horror stories of
things that go a different way.
I was blessed because my mother, uh, when I got ready to marry
you, I shared with her you know,yeah, I want to marry her and
yes, there's a child involved.
How do I approach that?
I think it's the question Ikind of posed her and she kept
it real simple.
She didn't go into anyelaborate detail, she was just
(06:16):
like you know what to do, dowhat's right.
She said love him like he'syour child.
If you're going to marry her,then you have to accept her
child as he's yours.
Yeah, and you love him, youtake on the responsibilities of
a father and you give him all ofthe duties that are owed to him
as a father.
If you're not going to love herand her child as you should as
(06:40):
a husband and as a father, shewas like don't marry her, you
don't have to marry her.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So if you're not going to do what you're supposed
to do, don't do it, becausethen it gets in a situation of
you I'm not treating you rightand you're seeing your child not
being treated and lovedproperly yeah which is going to
obviously going to createproblems between us yeah, and so
those were some of the signsthat I was looking for to see
how you treat him, versus somuch of how you're treating me,
(07:08):
because I didn't want to getwith somebody who was going to
disrespect, be mean to my childjust because you know they can,
or they really didn't like him,and so I was looking for that,
but I never saw any red flags orsigns that you know you were
going to be like really mean,vindictive, treat him a certain
kind of way, you know, and sothat's why I felt comfortable
(07:30):
moving forward with you, becauseI knew it was important, you
know that I find somebody thatwould treat my son like that was
it?
Like you were his own, like hewas yeah, so that's one thing
that I can really appreciate.
But I think it wasn't easy, Iwould say, because, especially
when the discipline came intoplace, it was really really hard
(07:53):
for me to be okay with youdisciplining him in certain
aspects, and I remember, youknow, when they're so young and
they're so little, you just like, oh, like, oh, that's my baby,
and you don't want them to get awhooping.
You know it's like I can whoopthem, but I don't know about you
whooping them yet WhoopingDon't be talking about whoopings
over here.
I don't want to say aboutwhooping, disciplining, no so.
(08:16):
But you know it was hard, washard for me, you know, um,
because I had to really reallyknow that you loved me and that
you loved him, and so whenthey're little, you know, you
just don't, you don't wantnobody touching your baby, right
?
You don't want nobody whoopinghim.
And so it was really hard forme.
I think, um, when he had to geta whooping when he was really,
(08:38):
really young, you remember Iused to have to leave the house,
yeah, I would get in my car andI would have to leave the house
because I could not stand tohear him, uh, getting in trouble
yeah you know, and so that wasreally hard for me.
Um, back then, but I think itkind of switched when he got
like in middle school and he hadto get a whooping and so I
(09:01):
wasn't leaving the house, then Iwas like, yeah, get him.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Whoop, that trick get him.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I didn't say that I didn't say that, but I remember
you was, you was whooping him.
He had did something like sobad and I was like yeah, and I'm
in the background, get him.
You know, because such and suchand I'm like oh my god, this is
crazy.
But and it was still hard forme, uh, but I knew, because you
were doing that, that you reallyloved him.
(09:27):
You know you really cared forhim, you cared about him, you
wanted him to grow up a certainkind of way, you wanted him to
be a respectful young man.
You know you just didn't lethim be just wild out here.
So I can really appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
But it was hard, yeah , it was really hard I know we
believe that we cannot spare therod.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You know, everybody doesn't agree with disciplined
children.
I'm a firm believer, we're firmbelievers.
They have to be disciplined,otherwise children can go crazy.
It's not all corporalpunishment.
It's not all whoopings likethat.
You know there are differentaspects because we see there's a
different way we discipline ouroldest child.
While he may get them, it'sdifferent.
(10:07):
There are different ways we cango with him and that's the
thing people have to realize.
With your children, all yourchildren, are going to be
different.
Yeah, how you discipline themneeds to be different.
You can't use the same thingfor every child.
Because some kids need whoopingyeah, some don't need whooping,
right.
Some you just got gotta takesomething from you, right, you
(10:29):
take them from.
They fall right in line.
Yeah, you know they just valuethings so much, or whatever it
could be.
So I think that's that's key.
I remember the first time I hadto get him, had to get Tyler we
were still dating, mm-hmm, andit happened just naturally.
It wasn't anything like youwant me to get him or he had
been falling out in the floorthrowing tantrums.
He was just at that age and youkind of just let him just
(10:50):
holler like whatever.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
He'll stop when he's done and I was like so I would
get him later.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Oh, you didn't get them in front of me.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
I didn't get them in front of people.
Oh, okay, no.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
But I got them.
Well see, I thought I was likeokay, so need some discipline
around here, because you justletting him act a fool, because
you remember when we would go tothe restaurants and he would,
You'd take them to the restroom.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Yeah, I'd take them to the restroom.
And I used to have to say youwant to go to the restroom, I
want to go to the restroom.
But sometimes I'm like come on,go into the restroom and I
would take care of him in therestroom, go back out.
He's a perfect child.
But yeah, I didn't really likejust discipline my child in
front of people.
But oh yeah, he got it.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, I think he was doing all that and throwing his
little tantrum and probably thefirst couple times I didn't say
anything.
But after that I just got tired.
I snatched him up so quick,like you better stop.
He like what just happened andI looked at you like well, hope
that was okay, like we in thisnow, hey, hey.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
But that was nothing compared to like at the house,
Like when we got married and youknow.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
And it wasn't any abuse, no, no, no, like it was
really, it was love, it wasdiscipline.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
You know, we're never going to abuse our children, no
.
But we are going to disciplinethem and raise them in the
proper way because we don't wantthem to get out here in society
and lose their mind.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Right, exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
So being a blended family is real.
Like I said earlier, I think Ifa man is going to marry a woman
with children, if a woman isgoing to marry a man with
children, number one you need tomake sure you're truly going to
love and accept those childrenRight Like you're going to
accept that person Exactly?
And if you're not, leave themalone.
(12:33):
That's not the relationship foryou.
Don't talk about, I'll try itand it'll get better.
No, you would do better to goon about your business.
Yeah, exactly Because.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Don't talk about.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
I'll try it and it'll get better.
No, you would do better to goon about your business.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Because what you're going to do is you're going to
damage those children.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You're going to bring harm to those children because
you're not going to treat themright and you may not do
anything directly to them, butthey're going to feel the lack
of love in the home.
They're going to feel the lackof value in the home and that
one spouse.
What will happen is they willtry to overcompensate for what
their step parent is not, is notdoing.
(13:05):
Yeah, and that does not workright.
You can try your best and thatchild will know you love them,
but they're still going to seethat this parent here does not
treat me right.
They don't care for me.
They may not even want me hereright exactly and that's.
That's hurt, yeah, and harmfulto children.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Especially and I think people need to just really
understand that the childrenare affected.
Yes, More than anything.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
And it just it takes them into like their adulthood,
and sometimes that's why theyact out.
Yeah, because of home life,yeah, because of what they have
to deal with at home, and theycan feel when they're unloved.
You know what I'm saying?
They can feel when they're notwanted, and so I think it's very
important that, if you're goingto marry somebody with child or
children, that you really,really understand that you're
(13:51):
not just getting that spouse,you're getting them and what
comes along with them.
It's a package deal, it's apackage deal.
And you have to accept the wholepackage, yeah.
And if you don't want thepackage, hey, move on.
Move on, ask god to send yousomebody else with no children.
And I think people need to bereal and say you know, I don't
(14:11):
want to have, I don't wantanybody with kids.
If you know that deep downinside that you don't want that,
then you need to.
You know, not get with anybodyand saying, yeah, you know, I'm
gonna see.
Like you said earlier, let mesee if it's gonna work.
Just go on and just be donewith that.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Yeah, be honest about it, yeah be honest about it
because, like I said earlier,you're going to hurt those
children.
Yeah, in the long run you maynever know it, because most
times children don't have avoice right when they're growing
up or they get blown off likeyou don't know what you're
talking about.
But that child knows what, whatthat child is feeling right and
as they get older they'll beable to articulate yeah.
(14:49):
Yeah, I didn't feel loved, Ididn't feel valued, I didn't
feel wanted, I didn't feelappreciated by by you yeah and
it.
It also can damage that child'srelationship with their
biological parent.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It can breed resentment.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Mm-hmm, yeah, because they already have to deal with
certain things you know already,with the biological parent not
being there.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
So it just adds on to that.
You know that trauma.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
A hundred percent, mm-hmm, I think that's so real.
But there's a way you can do itright.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Love them like they're your A hundred percent,
I think that's so real.
But there's a way you can do itright.
Love them like they're yourchild, show respect for them and
give them the duties.
If you're going to be a parent,be a parent.
Which means for me, like withTyler, I took a position of
that's my son.
So whatever I would do with myson, I'm going to do with him.
We're going to go to sports.
We're going to do to sports.
We going to do sporting things.
We going to hang out.
I'm going to feed you.
We going to talk.
We going to talk about girls asyou grow up.
(15:42):
We going to talk about life.
We going to talk about bullies.
We going to talk about whatever.
If you need a parent at school,guess what I'm showing up at
the school.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah, and see, I love that about you because when a
lot of people meet, you saysthis when I met your husband, it
was no step, nothing, that washis child and uh, and nobody
like you didn't have to tellanybody that, hey, that's really
my stepchild or that's not mybiological child.
You never like walked arounddoing any of that.
(16:10):
They said when I met him thatwas his child and they didn't
even know it unless we told themright, you know yeah or unless
they looked at him maybe and sawyou know oh, he looked just
like your mom.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
But they say, if you feed them long enough, they
start to look like you.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
But I love that.
You know people, people canthey say that about you, like
you know when they meet you.
It was never Tyler was stepanything.
That was his child, and sothat's how you approached it.
You know, with people that youknew and people that didn't know
and people that did know it wasnever.
Yeah, this is my stepchild oranything like that.
It was your child.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I knew what I had experienced being a stepchild
Not all bad, but not all goodeither and I did not want to put
that on somebody else.
You see what I'm saying.
I didn't want him to feel.
I didn't want him to ever feelwhat I felt yeah as a stepchild
I wanted him to know that Imight not be your biological
(17:07):
father right but I love you andwherever I gotta show up for you
, I'm gonna show up for you.
I'm gonna be there for you andI'm gonna do everything I can to
see you succeed in life.
Yeah, and that is what it is.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And you did that yeah .
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I mean, I did the best that I could, you did that
and so much more.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Yeah Did more than a lot of people would do.
Yeah.
I mean we do what we can.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, to make everything work the best way it
can work.
Yeah, so back to your question,your original question.
Go into it, tell me again soI'll make sure I'm clear on what
you asked me.
I don't remember.
Oh, you don't remember.
Okay, you asked me what's therole of the biological parent
(17:49):
and the step parent, right?
Yes we're gonna make you somenote cards or something, so you
get remember usually I have itin my notes.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I don't think I write right now.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Yeah, you just want to ask questions so so I think
we talked about it in thisepisode yeah the role of the
biological parent, or settingthose boundaries and really
understanding, uh, as a, as astep parent, you function like a
parent, right?
Like move the step out.
You're just a parent.
Yeah, be a parent to that child.
(18:20):
Um, the biological parent hasthe, has the responsibility of
supporting.
Like, don't make it a, that'smy child, you got nothing to do.
No, when it comes to discipline, when it because when it comes
time for shopping, you, you wantsome of my money, right, right.
When it comes time for food,you want me to pay for the meal.
I can't sit.
Sit at the table.
I'm paying for you, baby, Iain't paying for your kids.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
No, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
So if I'm going to be a parent that feeds them and
puts a roof over their head,then we're going to be a parent
at all times, and so bothparties.
So the biological parent has tounderstand that this parent has
a right to correct yourchildren, and you may need some
understanding about what thatcorrection looks like, because a
certain level of trust rightneeds to be there for that, uh,
step parent to do certain thingsin correcting that child,
(19:07):
discipline that child.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
That's when all parties, all the adults, need to
be able to, if possible ifpossible if possible, they need
to get together and talk aboutwhat they need to do for the
well-being of the child yeah youknow what I'm saying take the
children in consideration and ify'all can talk about you know
boundaries or what will work andwhat won't work, then you need
to do that, because I know somepeople with blended families.
(19:30):
You know they don't disciplinethe child.
They send the child to thebiological pair and make them be
the disciplinary because theydon't want you know the other
person discipline and oranything like that.
But you gotta kind of talk andfigure out what works for you,
because everybody's situation isdifferent yeah but it always
needs to stem back to what'sbest for the child, what's?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
best for the child at the end of the day, all parties
involved yeah need to considerwhat's best for the child
exactly and and, like you said,there needs to be an
understanding between theparents that are involved in
that process.
If the biological parentoutside of the home, the other
parent is not in the child'slife, yeah, then obviously the
biological parent and the stepparent need to work together and
(20:13):
have that understanding right.
If the other biological parentis involved, then they all need
to understand on what thisrelationship looks like, and I
think that still goes back towhat you said.
We work together to do whateveris best for the child which
means we need to get along.
We don't need to be bickeringand arguing back and forth and
(20:33):
acting crazy with each other.
We need to do what's going tobe best for this child.
See, all of our parents all ofus as parents have history, yeah
, but we have to be careful thatour histories don't shape the
future of those children.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
And so I think, understanding that, even when it
comes to like ballgames, let'sjust use this, for example when
we go to the ballgame as astep-parent, I got a right to be
at the ballgame.
Yeah, step parent, I got aright to be at the ball game.
Yeah, just like the biologicalparent, right, but I'm going to
respect that biological parent.
Yeah, wanting to be involved.
I'm not going to get in the wayof that.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Yeah, you see what I'm saying so.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
So when the biological, when the kid, wants
to hug his biological parent,I'm not going to try to run and
get the help for hug first.
Yeah, no, that's that child'sfather or mother or whoever.
I'm gonna let them have that,because that's they should have,
their relationship yeah youknow.
But at the same time I want tohug too right, because you live
in the house with me, you know Itake care of you I love you,
just I want.
I'm cheering for you too, rightyou know.
(21:32):
So, real step parents reallywant, they want the same thing
yeah, exactly but I think wehave to know when to step back
and make hey, yeah, that's thatbiological parent and their
child.
I gotta respect, yeah, theirrelationship, you know and that,
and the biological parent alsohas to respect it.
Here's something key thatbiological parent can't sow bad
(21:57):
seeds into the child, especiallywhen they're with them outside
the home.
And then you send that childback to bring chaos back into
their family unit with theparent and the step parent.
Like, like, don't do that.
If you're a biological parentand this the step parent is
doing right by your childraising your child, loving your
child, providing for your childDon't say little crazy stuff,
(22:20):
yeah, when that child is withyou and you sow seeds in this
impressionable child to try toturn them against a step parent
because you don't like the factthat you're no longer with.
You know the mother or thefather.
Don't do that.
Grow up, yeah, be mature andrealize, hey, it didn't work out
right, but I'm not gonna poisonmy child and then make them
(22:40):
toxic to the relationship whenthey go back home.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Hey, are they treating you right?
You're doing good.
You're doing good in school,they're providing for you.
Okay, then you keep doing thegood work.
You show that man respect, youshow that woman respect and you
don't get out of line or I'mgoing to get you Right.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, and then they learn waita minute.
I need to respect thisstep-parent and teach them to
value them.
Like, wait a minute, that'syour, I'm the one that you came
(23:09):
from, but, due to circumstances,this person is a good person.
They're doing right by you.
Respect and value that you seewhat I'm saying.
I look at it now.
Some people use the term bonusparent.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah, I've heard that .
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I think that's a great term, yeah it is good.
Most of us we have two parents.
We got a biological mother,biological father right.
But in a step-parent situation,while you know it's not the
greatest of circumstances if youget the right one.
You got a bonus parent.
You got somebody else nowthat's taking on the
(23:43):
responsibility of yourwell-being as a child, even as
an adult now.
My mother and my stepfather Ihad a great stepfather growing
up.
He was kind to us.
I mean, we played ball together.
He was like a father as much ashe could be up.
He was kind to us.
I mean, we played ball together.
He was like a father as much ashe could be.
Now he's never heard me saythis, but I'll say this on our
podcast Me and my sisters waslike man, you're not our daddy,
man, you know, but we got adaddy.
(24:04):
We don't need you to be ourdaddy.
You married to our mama.
You was in middle school thoughright, yeah, well, I think, yeah
, middle school going to highschool.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Okay, yeah, don't need you be no daddy to me.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
But as we grew up and matured I realized he did play
a role a fathering role.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
You know, and he did it well, although he did as best
as he could.
He would have done more If youwould have allowed it.
We didn't allow it.
We didn't to be more of arelationship.
As I get older, I see the errorin that now, but I was younger
and I was mad because my parentsweren't together and I'm like
you know, I don't need noreplacement.
(24:40):
My dad, but he's a good he is agood man.
He's a good man he's kind andI'm grateful for him being
married to my mother yeah thathe was willing to take my mother
and her children and provide acomfortable life for us.
We didn't have a bad life.
You see what I'm saying.
He provided a level of comfortthat my mother would not have
(25:01):
been able to do on her own.
You see what I'm saying, andeven that is not perfect, but I
appreciate what he did do,because he didn't have to do it
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
He is a's good man and I just, I love, I love that,
love that story, and glad thatyou recognize it now, because
you couldn't see it as a child,you know um I was trying to
defend my dad.
I got it, dad and even with,you know, tyler coming around
like he's not like acting likeoh well, that's not her
biological grandchild.
(25:32):
Like he's not like acting likeoh well, that's not her
biological grandchild, Tyler.
You know he did more with Tylerthan he did with Trey, you know
almost because you know thedynamic, like they going out
deer hunting, you know just allkind of stuff Fishing and
everything Like yeah, and it wasjust amazing to see you know
how he loved him and you know hedidn't have his.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
you know, biological yeah, I think divorce, if
divorce is involved, or justhaving children out of wedlock,
yeah, it's not the idealsituation, especially for us as
believers yeah but it can't.
It doesn't have to be a bad itdoesn't have to be terrible if
the adults involved exactlywould handle it with dignity,
(26:12):
respect and honor for God andvalue for those children and
that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Like, with God being present, I feel like my
situation was really, really itwasn't as bad as I thought you
know it could have been.
You know, having a child andand trying to figure out, you
know, am I going to get married?
And then you know, becauseyou've got to consider all of
that, not only are you marryingsomebody, but you've got to
(26:37):
figure out their side how arethey going to treat your child,
you know?
So it's all of that that playsa part, and I was very grateful
that God was with us you knowthrough all of this.
So it was good.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Sounds good to me.
Well listen, I enjoyed that Didyou enjoy that.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
It was good yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Hopefully that helps some couples out there that are
in blended families or thosethat are thinking about marrying
someone with a child.
Listen, we're all for it.
We support 100%.
Just make sure you do it theright way, exactly, and really
love that child the same wayyou're going to love that, that
partner.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
And honor God and man .
God can bless that.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, and it can be a good thing.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
It can change a child's life.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Yes, it really can.
I think our son really knowsthat you love him.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Absolutely.
I love him.
Oh man, that's my dude rightthere.
Well, listen.
Thank you all for joining usfor another episode of Doing it
With the Daniels.
We'll see you at the next.
Go around, Take care, hey.
Thank you for joining us fordoing it with the Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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