April 10, 2025 • 32 mins
Charles and Tesa Daniels share essential wisdom for singles on identifying and responding to relationship red flags that could signal future problems in marriage.
• Red flags are warning signs that demand attention and consideration before making a lifelong commitment
• Unaddressed anger and control issues often worsen after marriage, creating unhealthy power dynamics
• Disrespect and dismissiveness indicate fundamental problems that rarely improve without intervention
• Spiritual mismatches present significant challenges for believers seeking Christ-centered relationships
• Dishonesty and inconsistency during dating predict similar behavior patterns in marriage
• God will reveal both positive and negative aspects of relationships if we're willing to pay attention
• Taking time to evaluate red flags can prevent rushing into a relationship that isn't God's best
Marriage can make life "heaven on earth or hell on earth," so carefully consider who you're committing to for a lifetime.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
but I don't want people to be so focused on
working through yeah that youdon't realize when some things
is not for you to fight.
Welcome to doing it with theday is the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I'm charles and I'm tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Welcome to doing it with theDaniels, where we help couples
get it on in life, marriage andministry.
Thank you for joining us againfor another episode of our
podcast.
What's babe, what's up, readyto get?
Cranky, I'm ready todayexcellent, well, well, I think
(00:49):
we have something good today totalk to, uh, a specific group
about who we dealing with today.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
We're gonna deal with the singles today singles today
.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
You know we have singles that watch our podcast
and sometimes, if we see them orthey send us a notification,
they'll say hey, we know y'alltalk about marriage, but we love
to hear something that wouldhelp us Exactly.
Isn't it crazy how singlepeople come on a podcast for
married people talking about yougot something for us.
But I think some of the thingsthey want to learn about
(01:19):
marriage because they want toprepare for marriage and so they
listen to these things, which Ithink is good, but also in
preparing for marriage is notjust about once you're married.
It's about also what you needto do prior to getting married,
and so I think it would be goodfor us to share some wisdom,
some strategies, some tools andtips to help singles who are
(01:39):
walking that journey and, as youknow, when I talk about singles
, I mean the unmarried.
So whether you're dating,engaged, you are still single.
Yeah, so I think we can.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
We can help them yeah , we're gonna help them today.
So we're gonna talk about todayis don't ignore the red flags.
I think I hear that a lotpeople talking about red flags
and stuff like that.
So red flags, so what are redflags?
I think I hear that a lotpeople talking about red flags
and stuff like that so red flags.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
So what are red?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
flags.
Red flags are warning signs.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I mean when you hear red flags.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I mean warning stop, wait a minute, pay attention.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yes, yes, you need to pay attention to what's going
on yeah and you need toreevaluate um what your next
move is going to be or howyou're going to move forward in
this relationship.
When you see these red flags doI think all red flags are
indication that you need to runno however, I do think all red
(02:42):
flags demand your attentionRight, and your consideration,
and maybe even an adjustment inhow you move forward.
Now there are some red flagsthat you do need to run, like
you see certain things you needto get away from that person
immediately, immediately andrealize this is not going to
work.
But some, some red flags flagsI believe, can be worked through
(03:05):
.
But I don't want people to beso focused on working through,
yeah, that you don't realizewhen some things is not for you
to fight and work through somethings, you would do better to
save yourself the headache.
Uh, now, if god put you withthat person, you know that's
God's will, then you trust himto help you.
(03:27):
That it because it's God's willdoesn't mean it's going to be
easier no, we learned that rightyeah doesn't mean it's gonna be
easier to deal with.
It just means he will help youif you trust him.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But you still have to go through what you're going to
go through yeah, I think themisconception that you know, I
think we both hear when people,when they get married, is
because they feel like it'sGod's will, then everything's
supposed to be sunshine,rainbows and roses and perfect,
and that's not true.
You know, just because it isGod's will does not mean you're
(03:59):
not going to go through somethings.
It doesn't mean that you're notgoing to have difficult times.
So it can be God's will, butyou still are two broken people
or two individuals comingtogether as one yeah, absolutely
so and then sometimes the redflags.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
It just flips out of what you're saying is a sign to
you that this might not be God'swill right and you're trying to
force something to work thatGod is saying no, this is not
this is not it.
Yeah, that's not the one I,that's not the one I have for
you, and you got to be okay withthat and accept that.
Hey, that may not be the one,and I'm seeing all these red
(04:35):
flags because God is trying toget my attention and get me to
open my eyes and pull away some.
But something like I saidbefore, some people are so big
on.
I'm going to stick with thisand we're going to work through
it.
But if you're going to abandonthe process, the perfect time to
do it is before you get married.
Yeah, like that's the time LikeI wouldn't, I wouldn't go into a
(04:58):
marriage.
This is just me.
Personally, I would not go intoa marriage with the mindset of,
okay, we got all these issues,all these red flags, but we're
going to work through it.
If I felt like that when itcame time for us to get married,
I wouldn't have married you, Iwould not have.
I would have said no, this isprobably not going to be the
(05:19):
best situation for either one ofus, because if I may not have
the patience to work through allthis with you, um, and then I'm
, I don't, may not even wantthat.
Now, if we're married andthings arise, hey, we in it, we
gotta, we gotta navigate throughit.
But if I can see it on thefront end before we get married,
I'm gonna really consider thisdecision.
(05:40):
Um, with some intention,intentionality, I'm really gonna
take time to decide.
Is this what I really need todo before I jump in, because
these red flags may be a signthat, hey, this ain't for you so
did you see any red flags?
um, it's been a long time agothat the butterflies covered
(06:04):
them up you can.
Because you can, you can seewhat you want to see yeah um, be
honest with you, I don'tremember seeing red flags in our
, in our relationship.
I don't remember feeling likethere were red flags around us,
right, um, you know.
So, yeah, I'm trying to thinkback.
Was there anything that reallygave me pause before we got
(06:26):
married?
And I can't, I can't think whatabout you, tyler?
No, no.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I love.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Tyler we was, that was my guy, I think me and Tyler
was got close before you and Ireally got close.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
I don't recall having any redflags.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, yeah yeah, I don't, I don't.
I don't remember red flags forus.
Yeah, um, I think we had thingsthat bothered us, little hat,
little behaviors, but it wasn'ta red flag, it was just.
That's just the way you are,it's the way I am, uh, and it
became annoying, you know attimes, yeah, but it wasn't like
(07:03):
magnified yeah, it wasn't likethis is a make or break deal or
this is, this is a bad trait,that that could signify that you
are a bad person?
Yeah, it wasn't anything likethat.
But some couples do get into arelationship and there are some
red flags and they really needto pay attention to these traits
, these habits, these behaviors,modes of thinking, ways of
(07:27):
dealing with life and differentcircumstances.
That makes me think about kindof what we tell couples
sometimes before you get married.
Have you seen that person angry?
oh yeah have you seen themfrustrated?
Have you seen how they handlepressure, like don't marry them
until you see them in certainsituations, because you need to
know how they respond to thatstuff?
that's good they may, theirrepresentative may be sweet and
(07:51):
nice and kind and charming andrespectful when everything is
good, but when things go crazy,who are they?
Because that's when you'regonna see the real them.
Exactly right.
You don't see the real, thereal side of a person until, hey
, things aren't working in theirfavor.
Then you see what's really inthem.
And so, yeah, yeah, I tellcouples all the time look, you
(08:14):
seen her mad, you seen you seenher frustrated?
Yeah, then hold off on that, onthat engagement, hold off.
Just wait until you see one ofthose moments, see how they
respond, and then you can decidedo you want to deal with that?
Because you might be sweet andall when things are good, but
when something goes well, yourattitude may be terrible.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I need to know that.
Yeah, I know a lot of peoplethat you know.
Like you said, you meet theirrepresentative.
So, people can be a certainkind of way for a while because,
they want to impress you.
They want you to see them intheir best self, their best
light.
You to see them in their bestself, their best light.
And then it's like oncesomebody told me once they got
(08:55):
married.
It's like man, it's like theyflip into a wholly another
person.
Oh yeah, and it was like.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
I got you.
Now I don't have to, I don'thave to stay this person, that
that you like.
I can show you the real me.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
That's dangerous.
That is very dangerous that wedo that.
I need to, I need to you thereal me.
That's dangerous.
That is very dangerous that wedo that.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
I need to see the real you before we get married.
I need to know how you're goingto handle some things before we
say I do so I know if I want tolive with that for the rest of
my life, because truly we shouldtake the approach in marriage
of I'm in this.
One man, one woman, onelifetime, lifetime.
That's how it goes so the firsttopic is unaddressed anger and
(09:36):
control issues yeah, that's oneof the red flags, so I think
we'll call these usually callthem topics yeah we'll call them
red flags this time, and thisis not an exhaustive list yeah,
this is just some points.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah, there's just a couple.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Yeah, there's a few things we point out.
Um, yeah, uncontrolled angersay say it again what
unaddressed unaddressed anger,yeah, yeah and control issues,
and control issues.
Yeah, that's, that's kind oflike two in one yeah unaddressed
anger me is when you find aperson who they don't handle
(10:08):
their anger well, like they blowup.
And when they blow up they canbecome reckless with their words
.
Yeah, they can say things thatmaybe they don't mean, but they
do mean it.
You know, I don't believe inthat.
I didn't mean that.
I maybe your intent wasn't that, but if you said, it's
something in you felt that yeahthat's just what I believe.
(10:29):
I believe what the bible saysout the abundance of the heart.
The mouth speaks, and sometimesyou got to get angry.
Anger, I.
I'd like to relate that tobeing akin to alcohol it gives
you courage to say what youwould not say in your soulful,
more docile moments.
Right, and so, yeah, you needto get angry.
(10:49):
So I can see how you talk.
When you get angry, do youbecome reckless?
When you get angry, when you'refrustrated, when you catch
attitude, do you shoot off andthen we'll come back later.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't meanit, but every time you get angry
, you go there.
No, no, no, that's who you are.
That's a problem, right?
That's a red flag, becauseyou're going to become verbally
abusive in this relationship ifyou don't get a grips on that.
(11:11):
Am I saying run?
No, I'm not saying run, I'msaying pay attention, yeah right
and decide if you want to livewith that.
Can they change absolutely?
But what if they don't?
Speaker 2 (11:22):
yeah, that's the thing.
What if they don't?
And I think a lot of people gointo marriage hoping that they
will change eventually.
Or they're thinking like you,they can change them or they can
make them happy yeah, andthat's not the case.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I'm gonna make you happy and you're just gonna deal
with all your anger you're justgonna create a monster wrong
wrong.
You're gonna become a little doboy.
You're gonna become somebody'sslave and you're going to start
living your life around pleasingthem to appease their wrath and
you're going to lose yourselfin that relationship exactly
(11:58):
because everything is going tobe about them and making them
happy and you're going to bemiserable.
Yep, so and the?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
other one is control issues.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So usually people with control issues, they have a
trauma in their life or aninsecurity.
Yeah, it's something that'shappened in the past that they
haven't got over.
And so they filter everythingthrough that issue.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
And so they become controlling.
They try to tell you what youcan and what you cannot do, who
you can talk to, and all of thatwhen you can and can't go.
Yes, who?
Speaker 1 (12:27):
you can talk to, and all of that where you can and
can't go.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Yes, when you can like you've grown I'm not,
you're not my parent yeah, andeven in a relationship you gotta
, you know y'all not married solet's not, let's not what you
know, the old saints or the oldpeople, you say play house right
let's not play house and let'snot act like we're married.
We're two, we're still single.
So you know, and people whenthey're dating, it's like they
(12:50):
want to act like they're married.
Right, and that person istelling you what you can't do
and you're and you're like doingthis stuff and.
I'm just like, yeah, that ain't,that's not cool.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well, we're not married.
This is what women definitelyam.
For me, we're not married.
You have no authority over mylife whatsoever exactly you have
no right to tell me who I canand cannot talk to, where I can
and cannot go.
You know it.
Hey, you, you don't, can't tellwhat I can and can't do now
because we're in a relationship.
I need to govern myself and andconduct myself in a way that
(13:25):
leads and builds a healthyrelationship, but you can't run
my life right you know, evenwhen you get married, you
shouldn't be trying to run mylife, you know.
So that's that could be a redflag, because when you deal with
anger and control what it leadsto kind of what we mentioned
earlier whoever is subjectsubjecting themselves to that,
(13:46):
they'll begin to walk oneggshells.
Yeah, and if you have to walkon eggshells around the, if you
have to walk on eggshells aroundthe person you're in a
relationship with, that's not ahealthy relationship, it's
unhealthy.
And at that point I wouldsuggest remember we're talking
to singles, ain't talking aboutmarried people.
Y'all married people needcounseling and y'all need to
learn to work through this stuff.
You single people, you mightneed to run at that point.
(14:06):
If you're having to walk aroundeggshells and you're having to
acquiesce to that person and youcan't say certain things, do
certain things, or or you, you,you become fearful of their
response.
If you do something they don'tlike, yeah, that's an unhealthy
relationship.
It it can be described as anabusive relationship and it's a
(14:27):
serious red flag it is seriousred flag come on, look, we, we,
we can stay on that all day long.
Yeah, that's, that's really goodyeah, um.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
So the next red flag is disrespect and dismissiveness
.
Jesus, love that one disrespect.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
There is no relationship where disrespect
exists.
Disrespect is a serious redflag and and if you're being
disrespected, um, yeah, you, youmight want to run.
If this person does not respectyou and respect boundaries, or
even respect your family, yeah,you know, that's all.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Of that can become a huge issue yeah um in, in, in
the relationship yeah, because Ifeel like respect is not
something that you have to fightfor.
You shouldn't have to fight forrespect, and if they're not
respecting you now, they're notgoing to respect you later yeah,
yeah, I would say this is, thisis a big one, I mean I can't.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
I can't act like it's not, because even the bible
talks about wives respect yourhusbands and where it tells
husbands to love their wives.
There's an element of respectthere that goes in the way
husbands love their wives yeahso.
So, if you don't respect mebefore, we get married.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
You're not going to expect me when we get married,
you're probably going to becomemore disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
We were respectful to one another yeah but in the
course of marriage, you you tendto experience this aspect of uh
, I want I don't want to saydevaluing of your partner.
It's not really devaluing, it'swhere you become comfortable
and common yeah, you becomecomfortable with them and you
become complacent in some thingsand it can become disrespectful
(16:13):
and you got to snap back fromthat and remember that.
No, we're married and I need togive you the same respect that
you appreciated before.
Yeah, we were in this covenantrelationship, so, so respect is
a big deal.
So if there's no respect beforewe get married, there's not
going to be respect afterwards.
And this is not going to be ahealthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Yeah, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So disrespect, dismissiveness dismissiveness is
a serious issue too because,dismissiveness says what you
feel, and what you think doesnot matter.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Right, these are all about me.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah, these are both two and ones.
yeah yeah uh, yeah, it's allabout me.
So what, what's going on withyou is not important.
You know, you're alwaysminimizing the personal.
You're always being minimizedby the other person.
How you feel, how you think, isalways no big deal.
There's no change, noadjustment.
Yeah, to come to a place ofunderstanding and reasoning with
(17:09):
you.
That's a serious red flag.
That's a serious red flag.
And um, yeah, I'm not sayingwith that one, I'm not saying
run.
Sometimes people have to learnhow to be attentive to their
partner.
But if, over the course of time,you're always dismissive and
blowing things off as if it'snot important, you might want to
(17:31):
just pay attention, yeah wemight need to figure out if this
is going to work, because Ididn't marry you for you not to
consider how I feel exactly andand use empathy and walk with me
through certain things or feellike because it's not your issue
, because everything about meshould be your issue right if
we're in this relationshiptogether you should at least be
(17:53):
concerned yeah, yeah, so I would, I would.
That's definitely a big dealand, like I said, if they're
that way before you get married,they.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
They're going to be that way in the marriage and
probably worse, and that'sthat's.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
that's real talk.
Yeah probably worse after youget married.
Yeah, yeah, pay attention, thatwas dangerous.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
So the next one and I think it's a huge one, it
should have been, and I guessthey're not in any order order,
but I will put this one at thetop of the list is a spiritual
mismatch.
So that is what we callunequally yoked yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
What do you think about that?
I?
Speaker 2 (18:28):
think that is huge, because I think a lot of people
come into, especially believers.
They come into a relationshipand they feel like if I love God
and they say they love God andthey go to church or they read
their Bible, then they can um,they can pull that person in.
And I always tell like I talkedto my son all the time if they
(18:50):
don't have already a desire forGod, a desire for his word, a
desire to please him and beobedient to the word of God,
they don't have that convictionalready, then you might need to
run or go the other way, becausethere's you're not going to be
able to pull that person in.
They got to already have thatfrom the beginning.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And so and I feel like sometimes a lot of singles
will accept certain things,certain behaviors, just because,
oh well, they go to church orthey read their bible, and
sometimes, you know, they evengo as far as they'll read a
scripture together or they'll doa little devotional together.
But their heart is not reallyfor God and you have to be able
(19:33):
to see that first, before you goall in with people yeah, I
think that's true.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
And the other aspect of it they're doing it for you
yeah, like you said it's not inthem, but they'll do it for you
long enough and to convince youthat, oh yeah, they all love god
like you love god, but if it's,if it's, if they just started
with you, it might not be therelike they want you to believe.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
It is um, and it can be and it's okay if they just
met, you know, god and had anencounter with church and god
and all this stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Let them go and get that experience and get all of
god before you try to, you know,have a relationship with them,
yeah, and we're not saying breakup or anything like that but
maybe take your time as they'regrowing with God and make sure
that their growth in God isn'tabout you getting you, you know,
(20:29):
because if it's about gettingyou, once they get you, they're
gonna drop God, and that's orthey never had them in the
beginning, right and so and sothat's a huge and then, when you
get, if you decide to moveforward and marry this person,
you're going to find that maybeyou want God.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
But they really don't .
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Or you're going to find out that there and I hate
to use this word on the podcast,but you may find out they're
just religious.
Religious means they're justgoing through the motion of what
looks like God, like God,sounds like God, but in their
heart, yeah, they don't reallylove that.
They're really not in love withhim and really want him yeah,
they just want to do enough sothat when you look at them, it
(21:09):
looks like oh they're doing theGod stuff yeah, exactly but but
yeah, that that spiritualmismatch can be huge for a lot
of couples, yeah, uh, in theirrelationship and and I'll be
honest with you, that's one ofthe main areas when, when
couples come to us and they'relike, oh, I met this person, I
want to get married, or we wantto talk about getting married
(21:29):
that's the first thing we talkabout do they love Jesus?
Not do they go to church.
Do they love Jesus, and when?
Yeah, they love Jesus.
How do you know?
Oh, they love Jesus.
How do you know?
Oh, because we pray together so.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I love when they come to church because you can see,
oh, I can see when they when,how they worship when you know
how they look if they just sitin there, if they stand in there
, they're not opening theirmouth.
They're not you know what ofwhat they say oh yeah, there's
(22:09):
other things that you need to bepaying attention to, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
I love when single women bring guys to church that
they're dating and you know,sometimes they don't realize.
They bring them because they'relike.
I want you to just see them andlook at them and they see what
you know, what do you think?
And that's just people whorespect their pastors.
Yeah, will do that.
And guys come in and, man, someof them just sit there and just
look and they don't.
(22:33):
They don't pray, they don'tlift their hands, they have no
response for god and it's likeyou want to be with this guy,
this guy, this guy right here.
All right, well, that's gone.
It's going to be a road to walkIf you want to.
Does he, does he know Jesus?
Right?
Yeah, he said he got saved atthe age of seven and was
(22:53):
baptized at eight.
And okay, but does, and okay,but does he live for god?
Now, when he say he pray,what's the fruit of his life?
How often does he pray?
Do you know he has a prayerlife?
Does he read his bible?
Does he attend worshipsomewhere regularly?
Yeah, and even with that, wheredoes he attend?
(23:15):
Is it a church that teaches andpreaches truth, exactly from
the word of god?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
and I get this like sometimes when they meet people
I'll be like, oh, what kind ofwhat?
What church do they go to?
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I don't know, I'm like, but that's important
because you gotta know, you wantto be with them.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
You don't know where they go to church, what kind of
word they're hearing yeah,because you gotta know, because
every denomination teachesdifferent things, and so, or you
, got places look like a churchbut it's a cult and they hey,
they teaching all kind of crazystuff, yeah, and I mean it's a
lot it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
We could talk about that all day, but I want to say
this.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
That takes me back to when you and I first met, or
what I prayed.
I just asked God, I wantedsomebody who would at least go
to church, because the person Iwas talking to, they wouldn't go
.
They wouldn't even go to church.
So I was like go lord, I justsend me somebody who would at
least go to church and thatloves you so you was praying
about leaving the person you waswith before you left them no,
(24:11):
no, no that would have soundedlike no, you said I was praying
God, send me somebody to go tochurch, because the person I was
with yeah, beforeno because we was broken up, but
I'm just saying the last person, they wouldn't go to church and
I was like, okay, you sureremember a lot about your ex.
We talking to the singles but Ijust that just kind of brought
(24:32):
that up, I just brought thatback to my remembrance.
So what I'm saying is that wasmy prayer.
You know, what I'm sayingthat's all I asked for is
somebody to go to church, butthe other part was that loved
you.
And so that's, I wantedsomebody that loved God.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And you got a preacher.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
And again, I ain't asked for that.
Like God you gave me a littletoo much Like thank you Jesus,
but okay.
But, yeah, so that's that'sthat's what I wanted.
You know what I'm saying Iwanted somebody that loved him,
that I wouldn't have to convinceto come on this journey with me
yeah, and I think that's keyright there.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
If you have to convince them to come on the
journey, not of a relationship,but a journey with christ,
that's a red flag.
Yeah, for a believer now, bothof y'all unbelievers and y'all
both living in the world, livingin sin hey, everything goes.
But if you're a believer and welike to focus on kingdom
couples, christ-centeredmarriages and relationships if
that's the case, you got toreally take that into account.
(25:29):
That's a serious issue.
You're gonna spend the rest ofyour life with somebody that
does not love god like you lovehim yeah that's gonna be a
problem I ain't saying they gotto do all of what you do, but do
they love him?
And have a conviction for himand are willing to build a life
around him.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah, that's what you got to consider so the next red
flag is dishonesty andinconsistency.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Yes, lord, dishonesty yeah, that's a liar.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
If they lie now they're gonna lie later when you
get married.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah so don't be just yeah, it's just a little lie,
little white lie, baby littlewhite lies, big black lies,
whatever.
Whatever you want to be, a lieis a lie, and if that person's a
liar, you setting yourself upfor danger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If they lie to you while theysingle single, they're gonna lie
to you when you get married.
That's a red flag.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I would not, absolutely would not, under no
circumstance recommend anyonestick in a relationship with a
liar yeah, yeah, because even ifthey're gonna lie about some of
the small things, then you needto pay attention yep, yep,
because if they lie about that,those lies will grow and become
bigger.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
So, yeah, that's, that's a huge red red flag.
And then you saidinconsistencies.
If they're inconsistent thepatterns of their life, the way
they move, the way they dothings, if that's not sitting
right, yeah, you need to payattention to that.
That's a red flag because if ifyou're not consistent, I can't
build a basis for security inthe relationship, exactly
(27:02):
Because I don't know what you'redoing.
I never know what I'm going toget from you.
If your personality isinconsistent, if you up one day,
down another, you know youshooting off, going crazy one
day and the next day you're calm.
Yeah, you might have some otherpsychological, emotional things
going on that I need to payattention to.
Yeah, no, it's a lot of peopleout here they got have
(27:24):
undiagnosed mental medicalconditions and you need to be
aware of that exactly before youengage in a relationship with
them.
You know some people havelearned to cope, yeah, with
their condition and hide it yeah, you gotta look close now you
see what's going on yeah, so payattention
Speaker 2 (27:47):
to all the the red flags pay attention to, and
sometimes it's not even that godshow.
God will show you, especiallyif you're a believer, you walk
with god, you have the holyspirit.
He will show you things.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
He will show you things.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
He will tell you things and I think sometimes we
kind of ignore, you know, HolySpirit at times.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
We ignore when we want what we want.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
We want it so bad.
Some people want to be marriedor in a relationship so bad that
they will ignore the red flagsUntil it's too late.
Yeah, don't deceive yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Don't deceive yourself.
Trying to get what you wantexactly, it's not going to work
out.
Good, be sober, be vigilant.
Come on this bible right here.
That's what you have us here.
The devil goes about as aroaring lion seeking whom he may
devour, and sometimes he'scoming through the person you
(28:42):
think you in love with in orderto bring destruction and chaos
in your life.
Yeah, so pay attention to thered flags.
Yeah, ask god to show you.
I think one of the prayers weoften pray with couples as we
get ready to wrap up, and weencourage you all to pray this
in your relationship.
We pray before we meet.
God, show us everything we needto know good and bad, yeah help
(29:04):
us to see it clearly and giveattention to it, to help this
couple make the proper decisionin their journey.
That's right.
If it's bad, show us now sothey can run, call it all off,
be done with it.
And I mean that from the bottomof my heart.
Tell them, no, I ain't gonna bewith you, I'm not marrying you,
you're not the one you know, or?
(29:25):
If god, if you're in it and youwant you approve this, give
them all the signs they need tolet them know, to have assurance
that, yes, god is with us.
Yeah, let's go forward.
Yeah, because if you don't havethat, that's a problem.
So God will show you when he'sfor you, and I believe God will
show you when he's like, yeah,this ain't it don't do this, you
know, or if you do it anyway,God will still bless you.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
God will still honor your marriage.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
He does but you're gonna go through more than you
might have.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Yeah, if you would have done it his way yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
So pay attention to the red flag.
They're there to help you yesthey are all right, you got
anything else.
That's it.
Look, I think that's good.
That's gonna help some couplesthat's been looking past stuff
just to make it work yeah, justpay, attention, slow down pay
attention, slow down and payattention.
My goodness, don't be in a rush.
Don't be in a rush to getmarried.
You know, we made the decisionthat we would end our
(30:19):
relationship yeah if some thingsdidn't go, if God didn't show
us he was with us, we was gonnacall it quick.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah, it would have broke my heart, but I was like
God, I know, I know you can healmy heart.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Heart would have been broken right here Like, hey,
this ain't God.
But I told God.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
I said if he's not the one, I will be sad and I
know my heart will be broken,but I know that you will heal me
and I'll be okay eventually.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
I'd rather have a broken heart for a little span
of time than to have a brokenlife For a lifetime.
Jesus, Look, we'll end withthis Marriage.
Who?
Speaker 2 (30:59):
you marry?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
can make your life heaven on earth, or they can
make it hell on earth, and soyou better be careful and really
pay attention to the one youjump in with yes all right,
listen.
I hope this has helped you guyspay attention to those red flags
.
If this, this podcast, thisepisode has been beneficial to
(31:20):
you or somebody you know, sharewith them.
I feel like some of y'all needto share this one with some
people, share it on social media.
Let them know.
You need to listen to thisbecause I see the red flags and
you don't.
But you can watch this podcast,tell them I love you, but it's
going to help you.
So make sure you like andsubscribe so you don't miss
another episode, and we can'twait to see you again.
On Doing it With the Daniels.
(31:41):
All right, take care, hey,thank you for joining us for
Doing it With the Daniels, ifyou want to keep up with
everything going on on ourchannel don't forget to like,
comment, subscribe and sharethis podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
but I don't want people to be so focused on
working through yeah that youdon't realize when some things
is not for you to fight.
Welcome to doing it with theday is the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I'm charles and I'm tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Welcome to doing it with theDaniels, where we help couples
get it on in life, marriage andministry.
Thank you for joining us againfor another episode of our
podcast.
What's babe, what's up, readyto get?
Cranky, I'm ready todayexcellent, well, well, I think
(00:49):
we have something good today totalk to, uh, a specific group
about who we dealing with today.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
We're gonna deal with the singles today singles today
.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
You know we have singles that watch our podcast
and sometimes, if we see them orthey send us a notification,
they'll say hey, we know y'alltalk about marriage, but we love
to hear something that wouldhelp us Exactly.
Isn't it crazy how singlepeople come on a podcast for
married people talking about yougot something for us.
But I think some of the thingsthey want to learn about
(01:19):
marriage because they want toprepare for marriage and so they
listen to these things, which Ithink is good, but also in
preparing for marriage is notjust about once you're married.
It's about also what you needto do prior to getting married,
and so I think it would be goodfor us to share some wisdom,
some strategies, some tools andtips to help singles who are
(01:39):
walking that journey and, as youknow, when I talk about singles
, I mean the unmarried.
So whether you're dating,engaged, you are still single.
Yeah, so I think we can.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
We can help them yeah , we're gonna help them today.
So we're gonna talk about todayis don't ignore the red flags.
I think I hear that a lotpeople talking about red flags
and stuff like that.
So red flags, so what are redflags?
I think I hear that a lotpeople talking about red flags
and stuff like that so red flags.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
So what are red?
Speaker 2 (02:08):
flags.
Red flags are warning signs.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I mean when you hear red flags.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I mean warning stop, wait a minute, pay attention.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yes, yes, you need to pay attention to what's going
on yeah and you need toreevaluate um what your next
move is going to be or howyou're going to move forward in
this relationship.
When you see these red flags doI think all red flags are
indication that you need to runno however, I do think all red
(02:42):
flags demand your attentionRight, and your consideration,
and maybe even an adjustment inhow you move forward.
Now there are some red flagsthat you do need to run, like
you see certain things you needto get away from that person
immediately, immediately andrealize this is not going to
work.
But some, some red flags flagsI believe, can be worked through
(03:05):
.
But I don't want people to beso focused on working through,
yeah, that you don't realizewhen some things is not for you
to fight and work through somethings, you would do better to
save yourself the headache.
Uh, now, if god put you withthat person, you know that's
God's will, then you trust himto help you.
(03:27):
That it because it's God's willdoesn't mean it's going to be
easier no, we learned that rightyeah doesn't mean it's gonna be
easier to deal with.
It just means he will help youif you trust him.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
But you still have to go through what you're going to
go through yeah, I think themisconception that you know, I
think we both hear when people,when they get married, is
because they feel like it'sGod's will, then everything's
supposed to be sunshine,rainbows and roses and perfect,
and that's not true.
You know, just because it isGod's will does not mean you're
(03:59):
not going to go through somethings.
It doesn't mean that you're notgoing to have difficult times.
So it can be God's will, butyou still are two broken people
or two individuals comingtogether as one yeah, absolutely
so and then sometimes the redflags.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
It just flips out of what you're saying is a sign to
you that this might not be God'swill right and you're trying to
force something to work thatGod is saying no, this is not
this is not it.
Yeah, that's not the one I,that's not the one I have for
you, and you got to be okay withthat and accept that.
Hey, that may not be the one,and I'm seeing all these red
(04:35):
flags because God is trying toget my attention and get me to
open my eyes and pull away some.
But something like I saidbefore, some people are so big
on.
I'm going to stick with thisand we're going to work through
it.
But if you're going to abandonthe process, the perfect time to
do it is before you get married.
Yeah, like that's the time LikeI wouldn't, I wouldn't go into a
(04:58):
marriage.
This is just me.
Personally, I would not go intoa marriage with the mindset of,
okay, we got all these issues,all these red flags, but we're
going to work through it.
If I felt like that when itcame time for us to get married,
I wouldn't have married you, Iwould not have.
I would have said no, this isprobably not going to be the
(05:19):
best situation for either one ofus, because if I may not have
the patience to work through allthis with you, um, and then I'm
, I don't, may not even wantthat.
Now, if we're married andthings arise, hey, we in it, we
gotta, we gotta navigate throughit.
But if I can see it on thefront end before we get married,
I'm gonna really consider thisdecision.
(05:40):
Um, with some intention,intentionality, I'm really gonna
take time to decide.
Is this what I really need todo before I jump in, because
these red flags may be a signthat, hey, this ain't for you so
did you see any red flags?
um, it's been a long time agothat the butterflies covered
(06:04):
them up you can.
Because you can, you can seewhat you want to see yeah um, be
honest with you, I don'tremember seeing red flags in our
, in our relationship.
I don't remember feeling likethere were red flags around us,
right, um, you know.
So, yeah, I'm trying to thinkback.
Was there anything that reallygave me pause before we got
(06:26):
married?
And I can't, I can't think whatabout you, tyler?
No, no.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I love.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Tyler we was, that was my guy, I think me and Tyler
was got close before you and Ireally got close.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
I don't recall having any redflags.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, yeah yeah, I don't, I don't.
I don't remember red flags forus.
Yeah, um, I think we had thingsthat bothered us, little hat,
little behaviors, but it wasn'ta red flag, it was just.
That's just the way you are,it's the way I am, uh, and it
became annoying, you know attimes, yeah, but it wasn't like
(07:03):
magnified yeah, it wasn't likethis is a make or break deal or
this is, this is a bad trait,that that could signify that you
are a bad person?
Yeah, it wasn't anything likethat.
But some couples do get into arelationship and there are some
red flags and they really needto pay attention to these traits
, these habits, these behaviors,modes of thinking, ways of
(07:27):
dealing with life and differentcircumstances.
That makes me think about kindof what we tell couples
sometimes before you get married.
Have you seen that person angry?
oh yeah have you seen themfrustrated?
Have you seen how they handlepressure, like don't marry them
until you see them in certainsituations, because you need to
know how they respond to thatstuff?
that's good they may, theirrepresentative may be sweet and
(07:51):
nice and kind and charming andrespectful when everything is
good, but when things go crazy,who are they?
Because that's when you'regonna see the real them.
Exactly right.
You don't see the real, thereal side of a person until, hey
, things aren't working in theirfavor.
Then you see what's really inthem.
And so, yeah, yeah, I tellcouples all the time look, you
(08:14):
seen her mad, you seen you seenher frustrated?
Yeah, then hold off on that, onthat engagement, hold off.
Just wait until you see one ofthose moments, see how they
respond, and then you can decidedo you want to deal with that?
Because you might be sweet andall when things are good, but
when something goes well, yourattitude may be terrible.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I need to know that.
Yeah, I know a lot of peoplethat you know.
Like you said, you meet theirrepresentative.
So, people can be a certainkind of way for a while because,
they want to impress you.
They want you to see them intheir best self, their best
light.
You to see them in their bestself, their best light.
And then it's like oncesomebody told me once they got
(08:55):
married.
It's like man, it's like theyflip into a wholly another
person.
Oh yeah, and it was like.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
I got you.
Now I don't have to, I don'thave to stay this person, that
that you like.
I can show you the real me.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
That's dangerous.
That is very dangerous that wedo that.
I need to, I need to you thereal me.
That's dangerous.
That is very dangerous that wedo that.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
I need to see the real you before we get married.
I need to know how you're goingto handle some things before we
say I do so I know if I want tolive with that for the rest of
my life, because truly we shouldtake the approach in marriage
of I'm in this.
One man, one woman, onelifetime, lifetime.
That's how it goes so the firsttopic is unaddressed anger and
(09:36):
control issues yeah, that's oneof the red flags, so I think
we'll call these usually callthem topics yeah we'll call them
red flags this time, and thisis not an exhaustive list yeah,
this is just some points.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah, there's just a couple.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Yeah, there's a few things we point out.
Um, yeah, uncontrolled angersay say it again what
unaddressed unaddressed anger,yeah, yeah and control issues,
and control issues.
Yeah, that's, that's kind oflike two in one yeah unaddressed
anger me is when you find aperson who they don't handle
(10:08):
their anger well, like they blowup.
And when they blow up they canbecome reckless with their words
.
Yeah, they can say things thatmaybe they don't mean, but they
do mean it.
You know, I don't believe inthat.
I didn't mean that.
I maybe your intent wasn't that, but if you said, it's
something in you felt that yeahthat's just what I believe.
(10:29):
I believe what the bible saysout the abundance of the heart.
The mouth speaks, and sometimesyou got to get angry.
Anger, I.
I'd like to relate that tobeing akin to alcohol it gives
you courage to say what youwould not say in your soulful,
more docile moments.
Right, and so, yeah, you needto get angry.
(10:49):
So I can see how you talk.
When you get angry, do youbecome reckless?
When you get angry, when you'refrustrated, when you catch
attitude, do you shoot off andthen we'll come back later.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't meanit, but every time you get angry
, you go there.
No, no, no, that's who you are.
That's a problem, right?
That's a red flag, becauseyou're going to become verbally
abusive in this relationship ifyou don't get a grips on that.
(11:11):
Am I saying run?
No, I'm not saying run, I'msaying pay attention, yeah right
and decide if you want to livewith that.
Can they change absolutely?
But what if they don't?
Speaker 2 (11:22):
yeah, that's the thing.
What if they don't?
And I think a lot of people gointo marriage hoping that they
will change eventually.
Or they're thinking like you,they can change them or they can
make them happy yeah, andthat's not the case.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I'm gonna make you happy and you're just gonna deal
with all your anger you're justgonna create a monster wrong
wrong.
You're gonna become a little doboy.
You're gonna become somebody'sslave and you're going to start
living your life around pleasingthem to appease their wrath and
you're going to lose yourselfin that relationship exactly
(11:58):
because everything is going tobe about them and making them
happy and you're going to bemiserable.
Yep, so and the?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
other one is control issues.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
So usually people with control issues, they have a
trauma in their life or aninsecurity.
Yeah, it's something that'shappened in the past that they
haven't got over.
And so they filter everythingthrough that issue.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
And so they become controlling.
They try to tell you what youcan and what you cannot do, who
you can talk to, and all of thatwhen you can and can't go.
Yes, who?
Speaker 1 (12:27):
you can talk to, and all of that where you can and
can't go.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Yes, when you can like you've grown I'm not,
you're not my parent yeah, andeven in a relationship you gotta
, you know y'all not married solet's not, let's not what you
know, the old saints or the oldpeople, you say play house right
let's not play house and let'snot act like we're married.
We're two, we're still single.
So you know, and people whenthey're dating, it's like they
(12:50):
want to act like they're married.
Right, and that person istelling you what you can't do
and you're and you're like doingthis stuff and.
I'm just like, yeah, that ain't,that's not cool.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Well, we're not married.
This is what women definitelyam.
For me, we're not married.
You have no authority over mylife whatsoever exactly you have
no right to tell me who I canand cannot talk to, where I can
and cannot go.
You know it.
Hey, you, you don't, can't tellwhat I can and can't do now
because we're in a relationship.
I need to govern myself and andconduct myself in a way that
(13:25):
leads and builds a healthyrelationship, but you can't run
my life right you know, evenwhen you get married, you
shouldn't be trying to run mylife, you know.
So that's that could be a redflag, because when you deal with
anger and control what it leadsto kind of what we mentioned
earlier whoever is subjectsubjecting themselves to that,
(13:46):
they'll begin to walk oneggshells.
Yeah, and if you have to walkon eggshells around the, if you
have to walk on eggshells aroundthe person you're in a
relationship with, that's not ahealthy relationship, it's
unhealthy.
And at that point I wouldsuggest remember we're talking
to singles, ain't talking aboutmarried people.
Y'all married people needcounseling and y'all need to
learn to work through this stuff.
You single people, you mightneed to run at that point.
(14:06):
If you're having to walk aroundeggshells and you're having to
acquiesce to that person and youcan't say certain things, do
certain things, or or you, you,you become fearful of their
response.
If you do something they don'tlike, yeah, that's an unhealthy
relationship.
It it can be described as anabusive relationship and it's a
(14:27):
serious red flag it is seriousred flag come on, look, we, we,
we can stay on that all day long.
Yeah, that's, that's really goodyeah, um.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
So the next red flag is disrespect and dismissiveness
.
Jesus, love that one disrespect.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
There is no relationship where disrespect
exists.
Disrespect is a serious redflag and and if you're being
disrespected, um, yeah, you, youmight want to run.
If this person does not respectyou and respect boundaries, or
even respect your family, yeah,you know, that's all.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Of that can become a huge issue yeah um in, in, in
the relationship yeah, because Ifeel like respect is not
something that you have to fightfor.
You shouldn't have to fight forrespect, and if they're not
respecting you now, they're notgoing to respect you later yeah,
yeah, I would say this is, thisis a big one, I mean I can't.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
I can't act like it's not, because even the bible
talks about wives respect yourhusbands and where it tells
husbands to love their wives.
There's an element of respectthere that goes in the way
husbands love their wives yeahso.
So, if you don't respect mebefore, we get married.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
You're not going to expect me when we get married,
you're probably going to becomemore disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
We were respectful to one another yeah but in the
course of marriage, you you tendto experience this aspect of uh
, I want I don't want to saydevaluing of your partner.
It's not really devaluing, it'swhere you become comfortable
and common yeah, you becomecomfortable with them and you
become complacent in some thingsand it can become disrespectful
(16:13):
and you got to snap back fromthat and remember that.
No, we're married and I need togive you the same respect that
you appreciated before.
Yeah, we were in this covenantrelationship, so, so respect is
a big deal.
So if there's no respect beforewe get married, there's not
going to be respect afterwards.
And this is not going to be ahealthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Yeah, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So disrespect, dismissiveness dismissiveness is
a serious issue too because,dismissiveness says what you
feel, and what you think doesnot matter.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Right, these are all about me.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah, these are both two and ones.
yeah yeah uh, yeah, it's allabout me.
So what, what's going on withyou is not important.
You know, you're alwaysminimizing the personal.
You're always being minimizedby the other person.
How you feel, how you think, isalways no big deal.
There's no change, noadjustment.
Yeah, to come to a place ofunderstanding and reasoning with
(17:09):
you.
That's a serious red flag.
That's a serious red flag.
And um, yeah, I'm not sayingwith that one, I'm not saying
run.
Sometimes people have to learnhow to be attentive to their
partner.
But if, over the course of time,you're always dismissive and
blowing things off as if it'snot important, you might want to
(17:31):
just pay attention, yeah wemight need to figure out if this
is going to work, because Ididn't marry you for you not to
consider how I feel exactly andand use empathy and walk with me
through certain things or feellike because it's not your issue
, because everything about meshould be your issue right if
we're in this relationshiptogether you should at least be
(17:53):
concerned yeah, yeah, so I would, I would.
That's definitely a big dealand, like I said, if they're
that way before you get married,they.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
They're going to be that way in the marriage and
probably worse, and that'sthat's.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
that's real talk.
Yeah probably worse after youget married.
Yeah, yeah, pay attention, thatwas dangerous.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
So the next one and I think it's a huge one, it
should have been, and I guessthey're not in any order order,
but I will put this one at thetop of the list is a spiritual
mismatch.
So that is what we callunequally yoked yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
What do you think about that?
I?
Speaker 2 (18:28):
think that is huge, because I think a lot of people
come into, especially believers.
They come into a relationshipand they feel like if I love God
and they say they love God andthey go to church or they read
their Bible, then they can um,they can pull that person in.
And I always tell like I talkedto my son all the time if they
(18:50):
don't have already a desire forGod, a desire for his word, a
desire to please him and beobedient to the word of God,
they don't have that convictionalready, then you might need to
run or go the other way, becausethere's you're not going to be
able to pull that person in.
They got to already have thatfrom the beginning.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And so and I feel like sometimes a lot of singles
will accept certain things,certain behaviors, just because,
oh well, they go to church orthey read their bible, and
sometimes, you know, they evengo as far as they'll read a
scripture together or they'll doa little devotional together.
But their heart is not reallyfor God and you have to be able
(19:33):
to see that first, before you goall in with people yeah, I
think that's true.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
And the other aspect of it they're doing it for you
yeah, like you said it's not inthem, but they'll do it for you
long enough and to convince youthat, oh yeah, they all love god
like you love god, but if it's,if it's, if they just started
with you, it might not be therelike they want you to believe.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
It is um, and it can be and it's okay if they just
met, you know, god and had anencounter with church and god
and all this stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Let them go and get that experience and get all of
god before you try to, you know,have a relationship with them,
yeah, and we're not saying breakup or anything like that but
maybe take your time as they'regrowing with God and make sure
that their growth in God isn'tabout you getting you, you know,
(20:29):
because if it's about gettingyou, once they get you, they're
gonna drop God, and that's orthey never had them in the
beginning, right and so and sothat's a huge and then, when you
get, if you decide to moveforward and marry this person,
you're going to find that maybeyou want God.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
But they really don't .
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Or you're going to find out that there and I hate
to use this word on the podcast,but you may find out they're
just religious.
Religious means they're justgoing through the motion of what
looks like God, like God,sounds like God, but in their
heart, yeah, they don't reallylove that.
They're really not in love withhim and really want him yeah,
they just want to do enough sothat when you look at them, it
(21:09):
looks like oh they're doing theGod stuff yeah, exactly but but
yeah, that that spiritualmismatch can be huge for a lot
of couples, yeah, uh, in theirrelationship and and I'll be
honest with you, that's one ofthe main areas when, when
couples come to us and they'relike, oh, I met this person, I
want to get married, or we wantto talk about getting married
(21:29):
that's the first thing we talkabout do they love Jesus?
Not do they go to church.
Do they love Jesus, and when?
Yeah, they love Jesus.
How do you know?
Oh, they love Jesus.
How do you know?
Oh, because we pray together so.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I love when they come to church because you can see,
oh, I can see when they when,how they worship when you know
how they look if they just sitin there, if they stand in there
, they're not opening theirmouth.
They're not you know what ofwhat they say oh yeah, there's
(22:09):
other things that you need to bepaying attention to, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
I love when single women bring guys to church that
they're dating and you know,sometimes they don't realize.
They bring them because they'relike.
I want you to just see them andlook at them and they see what
you know, what do you think?
And that's just people whorespect their pastors.
Yeah, will do that.
And guys come in and, man, someof them just sit there and just
look and they don't.
(22:33):
They don't pray, they don'tlift their hands, they have no
response for god and it's likeyou want to be with this guy,
this guy, this guy right here.
All right, well, that's gone.
It's going to be a road to walkIf you want to.
Does he, does he know Jesus?
Right?
Yeah, he said he got saved atthe age of seven and was
(22:53):
baptized at eight.
And okay, but does, and okay,but does he live for god?
Now, when he say he pray,what's the fruit of his life?
How often does he pray?
Do you know he has a prayerlife?
Does he read his bible?
Does he attend worshipsomewhere regularly?
Yeah, and even with that, wheredoes he attend?
(23:15):
Is it a church that teaches andpreaches truth, exactly from
the word of god?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
and I get this like sometimes when they meet people
I'll be like, oh, what kind ofwhat?
What church do they go to?
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I don't know, I'm like, but that's important
because you gotta know, you wantto be with them.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
You don't know where they go to church, what kind of
word they're hearing yeah,because you gotta know, because
every denomination teachesdifferent things, and so, or you
, got places look like a churchbut it's a cult and they hey,
they teaching all kind of crazystuff, yeah, and I mean it's a
lot it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
We could talk about that all day, but I want to say
this.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
That takes me back to when you and I first met, or
what I prayed.
I just asked God, I wantedsomebody who would at least go
to church, because the person Iwas talking to, they wouldn't go
.
They wouldn't even go to church.
So I was like go lord, I justsend me somebody who would at
least go to church and thatloves you so you was praying
about leaving the person you waswith before you left them no,
(24:11):
no, no that would have soundedlike no, you said I was praying
God, send me somebody to go tochurch, because the person I was
with yeah, beforeno because we was broken up, but
I'm just saying the last person, they wouldn't go to church and
I was like, okay, you sureremember a lot about your ex.
We talking to the singles but Ijust that just kind of brought
(24:32):
that up, I just brought thatback to my remembrance.
So what I'm saying is that wasmy prayer.
You know, what I'm sayingthat's all I asked for is
somebody to go to church, butthe other part was that loved
you.
And so that's, I wantedsomebody that loved God.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And you got a preacher.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
And again, I ain't asked for that.
Like God you gave me a littletoo much Like thank you Jesus,
but okay.
But, yeah, so that's that'sthat's what I wanted.
You know what I'm saying Iwanted somebody that loved him,
that I wouldn't have to convinceto come on this journey with me
yeah, and I think that's keyright there.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
If you have to convince them to come on the
journey, not of a relationship,but a journey with christ,
that's a red flag.
Yeah, for a believer now, bothof y'all unbelievers and y'all
both living in the world, livingin sin hey, everything goes.
But if you're a believer and welike to focus on kingdom
couples, christ-centeredmarriages and relationships if
that's the case, you got toreally take that into account.
(25:29):
That's a serious issue.
You're gonna spend the rest ofyour life with somebody that
does not love god like you lovehim yeah that's gonna be a
problem I ain't saying they gotto do all of what you do, but do
they love him?
And have a conviction for himand are willing to build a life
around him.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah, that's what you got to consider so the next red
flag is dishonesty andinconsistency.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
Yes, lord, dishonesty yeah, that's a liar.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
If they lie now they're gonna lie later when you
get married.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Yeah so don't be just yeah, it's just a little lie,
little white lie, baby littlewhite lies, big black lies,
whatever.
Whatever you want to be, a lieis a lie, and if that person's a
liar, you setting yourself upfor danger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If they lie to you while theysingle single, they're gonna lie
to you when you get married.
That's a red flag.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I would not, absolutely would not, under no
circumstance recommend anyonestick in a relationship with a
liar yeah, yeah, because even ifthey're gonna lie about some of
the small things, then you needto pay attention yep, yep,
because if they lie about that,those lies will grow and become
bigger.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
So, yeah, that's, that's a huge red red flag.
And then you saidinconsistencies.
If they're inconsistent thepatterns of their life, the way
they move, the way they dothings, if that's not sitting
right, yeah, you need to payattention to that.
That's a red flag because if ifyou're not consistent, I can't
build a basis for security inthe relationship, exactly
(27:02):
Because I don't know what you'redoing.
I never know what I'm going toget from you.
If your personality isinconsistent, if you up one day,
down another, you know youshooting off, going crazy one
day and the next day you're calm.
Yeah, you might have some otherpsychological, emotional things
going on that I need to payattention to.
Yeah, no, it's a lot of peopleout here they got have
(27:24):
undiagnosed mental medicalconditions and you need to be
aware of that exactly before youengage in a relationship with
them.
You know some people havelearned to cope, yeah, with
their condition and hide it yeah, you gotta look close now you
see what's going on yeah, so payattention
Speaker 2 (27:47):
to all the the red flags pay attention to, and
sometimes it's not even that godshow.
God will show you, especiallyif you're a believer, you walk
with god, you have the holyspirit.
He will show you things.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
He will show you things.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
He will tell you things and I think sometimes we
kind of ignore, you know, HolySpirit at times.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
We ignore when we want what we want.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
We want it so bad.
Some people want to be marriedor in a relationship so bad that
they will ignore the red flagsUntil it's too late.
Yeah, don't deceive yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Don't deceive yourself.
Trying to get what you wantexactly, it's not going to work
out.
Good, be sober, be vigilant.
Come on this bible right here.
That's what you have us here.
The devil goes about as aroaring lion seeking whom he may
devour, and sometimes he'scoming through the person you
(28:42):
think you in love with in orderto bring destruction and chaos
in your life.
Yeah, so pay attention to thered flags.
Yeah, ask god to show you.
I think one of the prayers weoften pray with couples as we
get ready to wrap up, and weencourage you all to pray this
in your relationship.
We pray before we meet.
God, show us everything we needto know good and bad, yeah help
(29:04):
us to see it clearly and giveattention to it, to help this
couple make the proper decisionin their journey.
That's right.
If it's bad, show us now sothey can run, call it all off,
be done with it.
And I mean that from the bottomof my heart.
Tell them, no, I ain't gonna bewith you, I'm not marrying you,
you're not the one you know, or?
(29:25):
If god, if you're in it and youwant you approve this, give
them all the signs they need tolet them know, to have assurance
that, yes, god is with us.
Yeah, let's go forward.
Yeah, because if you don't havethat, that's a problem.
So God will show you when he'sfor you, and I believe God will
show you when he's like, yeah,this ain't it don't do this, you
know, or if you do it anyway,God will still bless you.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
God will still honor your marriage.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
He does but you're gonna go through more than you
might have.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
Yeah, if you would have done it his way yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
So pay attention to the red flag.
They're there to help you yesthey are all right, you got
anything else.
That's it.
Look, I think that's good.
That's gonna help some couplesthat's been looking past stuff
just to make it work yeah, justpay, attention, slow down pay
attention, slow down and payattention.
My goodness, don't be in a rush.
Don't be in a rush to getmarried.
You know, we made the decisionthat we would end our
(30:19):
relationship yeah if some thingsdidn't go, if God didn't show
us he was with us, we was gonnacall it quick.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah, it would have broke my heart, but I was like
God, I know, I know you can healmy heart.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Heart would have been broken right here Like, hey,
this ain't God.
But I told God.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
I said if he's not the one, I will be sad and I
know my heart will be broken,but I know that you will heal me
and I'll be okay eventually.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
I'd rather have a broken heart for a little span
of time than to have a brokenlife For a lifetime.
Jesus, Look, we'll end withthis Marriage.
Who?
Speaker 2 (30:59):
you marry?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
can make your life heaven on earth, or they can
make it hell on earth, and soyou better be careful and really
pay attention to the one youjump in with yes all right,
listen.
I hope this has helped you guyspay attention to those red flags
.
If this, this podcast, thisepisode has been beneficial to
(31:20):
you or somebody you know, sharewith them.
I feel like some of y'all needto share this one with some
people, share it on social media.
Let them know.
You need to listen to thisbecause I see the red flags and
you don't.
But you can watch this podcast,tell them I love you, but it's
going to help you.
So make sure you like andsubscribe so you don't miss
another episode, and we can'twait to see you again.
On Doing it With the Daniels.
(31:41):
All right, take care, hey,thank you for joining us for
Doing it With the Daniels, ifyou want to keep up with
everything going on on ourchannel don't forget to like,
comment, subscribe and sharethis podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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