April 3, 2025 • 30 mins
Charles and Tesa Daniels share powerful insights on navigating the necessary adjustments couples must make to build a successful shared life in marriage. They draw from personal experiences to illuminate how the transition from independent to interdependent living requires intentional effort, patience, and communication.
• Letting go of the "me first" mentality to prioritize your spouse's needs
• Adapting personal habits and routines when living together
• Finding balance between different morning routines and lifestyle preferences
• Recognizing that men and women often approach consideration differently
• Adjusting communication styles to prevent emotional distance
• Learning to address issues promptly rather than letting them linger
• Keeping God at the center of your marriage in good times and bad
• Understanding that faith isn't just a backup plan for when problems arise
• Giving each other grace during the adjustment process
• Making these adjustments before serious problems develop
Be willing to make necessary adjustments in your marriage and let God be God in your life. If you want to keep up with everything going on, don't forget to like, comment, subscribe, and share this podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's easy to forget that marriage needs God when
things are good.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yes, things are good, and God is not your go-to.
When it's bad, right, he's yoursustainer and maintainer even
when it's good.
Welcome to Doing it With theDales, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, welcome to doing it withthe Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry.
So glad to be back with youagain this week for doing it
with the daniels.
What's up, babe?
What's going on?
I am great how you feeling I'mfeeling good.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
You're excited, huh I am.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I'm always excited when I'm with you it's always
exciting to do the podcast andI'm hanging with my boo you're
so crazy you remember that tvshow cool, yeah, hanging with my
boo.
It's such a I didn't know thatwas the word.
Did they say boo?
Speaker 2 (01:07):
That's what I thought I heard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
I don't know if that's the right word, I don't
know, but that's what I used tosay.
I'm hanging with my boo.
We make up our own lyrics.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Sure, do we do.
What's going on you doing?
Alright, I'm doing good.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
How about yourself?
I am doing great, that's good.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Ready to jump in with another episode of the podcast?
Okay, get to be with you, getto be with our team today, come
on.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
We have a good time behind the scenes.
We have a good time.
I love these people, man.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
They are such a blessing to me.
Let me quit talking.
I get emotional and startcrying.
But I just love them so muchand yeah, so come on.
So what's up what we got today?
What are we talking about?
You know, we like to jump rightin, get straight to it.
Um, we've had actually we had abusy week yes over this last
weekend coming into the week.
It's been a busy week and itseems like man we're already
(01:54):
back here shooting a new episodeof the podcast.
It's like it's it's rolling yeah, it is from week to week
rolling uh being able to do it.
But I mean, it's exciting, Ithink the day before we have
that kind of anxiousness andthat anticipation about it, and
then on the day of when it'stime to do it, it's like man,
we're excited, we're gonna jumpin here.
Let's make sure we give themthe best value that we can, uh
(02:16):
wisdom.
We want to share it in part tothem and really help them yeah,
and so I I'm glad you know, oncethe once the lights go hot and
the cameras get to rolling, hey,it's go time, it's go time.
It's go time, time to helpsomebody.
You know it's amazing we get todo this.
You never know.
With the use of technology, theInternet, live streaming audio
and video, youtube and all thatkind of stuff, you never know
(02:39):
who's listening.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
you know, unless they tell us yeah, you know, unless
they tell us yeah.
And I love when we get feedbackon you know the episodes and
and what they liked, what theyum, what they're struggling with
and what they enjoy.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I love to hear the feedback yeah, I think the
blessing is that, even with fromthe feedback, even to those
that we don't get it from, butthey're blessed by it yeah
sometimes we may never knowright who's being impacted, but,
um, I believe god will rewardus.
I believe there's a reward,yeah, for our efforts and our
labor, um, even for those wedon't know who are benefiting
from this and so it's just a joyit's a joy to do it.
(03:12):
It's a joy to just know thatsomebody's benefiting right from
our journey exactly, and ourexperience and you know we often
talk about we've had a greatmarriage.
We had a great run in ourmarriage um and plan to continue
yes, to have a great time, yeah, um, but but even with that,
although it's been good, we'velearned some things oh yeah,
(03:33):
from the good and the bad, yeahyou don't have to have a bad
marriage in order to be able toshare things with people about
how to navigate marriage.
As a matter of fact, I want totalk to people who had good
marriages because they've donesomething right.
Right, you know, I don't needto know all the details of your
every mistake that you made andhow terrible it was, and then,
the last few years, you figuredout how to make it good, right
(03:55):
man like you, took you a longtime to learn some things, but
yeah, but you learn from thoseyou do you absolutely learn from
those mistakes?
um, and I think for us we've hadgood and, but we had a balance
yeah of good and bad.
Well, I won't even say abalance.
I don't think that's a goodrepresentation of our experience
I don't think it was a balancewhat do you think it was?
I think the good outweighed thebad, I think oh yeah I think, I
(04:16):
think you know there's a,there's a little bad and a whole
lot of good good that we haveencountered, but I think we were
able to recognize.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I think that's the key we recognize what could have
been bad yeah and adjustedbefore it became bad.
Now, some things were bad we hadto navigate through, but we got
through it right that's thatbrokenness, those scars that you
come in with and so thosethings were the bad stuff that
we wasn't ready for, I don'tthink in the beginning, because
we didn't realize that we wereso broken and we're trying to
(04:48):
come together and be one, and soI think that was a shocker, you
know, for both of us.
In learning, you know how todeal with all of that together.
You know, now I'm not just bymyself and I don't have to, just
I'm not dealing with just allthose scars and the baggage and
the things from my childhood bymyself.
Now I'm putting that on you aswell, and so now we got to work
(05:09):
together to unpack all of thisstuff totally agree, totally
agree.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I think that's a great assessment about what
creates, kind of the badexperiences in marriage.
It's not.
It's not that marriage is bador life is bad.
Sometimes it's just someunhealed areas, baggage, wounds,
scars, traumas that don'treally surface until you start
(05:35):
living life with somebody elseand all of that starts to affect
them and they start to let youknow hey, all your stuff is
hitting me Right, let you knowhey, all your stuff is hitting
me, yeah, right, and now it'slike that's a problem because I
didn't marry you to take on allyour stuff.
But when you marry somebody youdo, you do take on all of that,
and then you have to adjust yep,you got to help them out with
(05:57):
it well, what are we talkingabout today?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
today we are talking about adjusting to a shared life
in marriage adjustments yes,gotta make those adjustments.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I think that's a difficult place for a lot of
people, because I don't think wetalk much about, or we think
much about, changing when we getmarried or what areas we have
to change in, and so we're goingto give the people some things
today, but we can't give youeverything no I mean, and it's
going to change, because whenyou, when you first get married,
if there are no childreninvolved, you know, when we got
(06:31):
married there was a childinvolved, so there were
adjustments around how we didlife as a couple and parenting
adjustments.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, and I think you had to adjust in that area well
, I think both of us did,because you didn't.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Okay, I had to, just because I'm coming in to what
they, what they used to call aready-made family, so there's a
child.
But also you had to, just withnow having somebody, yes, parent
your child alongside you.
Yes, yeah that was not therebefore uh-huh, that was.
That was a huge adjustment,yeah yeah, so there were
adjustments that we had to makein our shared life, that that we
(07:05):
had to navigate and learn tonavigate and become comfortable
with the uncomfortable aspectsof it.
Yeah, that was real.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
That was adjustment for me, even when you said that
about you know the child,because I had to in my mind,
wanted to make sure you lovedhim just as much as you love me.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So when you disciplined him that it was
coming from a pure place, yeah,yeah, so that was tough yeah, I
mean, and it's real, because ifwe're gonna have a family,
there's certain aspects thatneed to be in place.
You know, I don't believe inthe whole.
You marry somebody but theycan't say anything to your child
if you get married you alreadyhave a child.
You don't get married and thensay don't say it under my child
yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
That's a huge problem .
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Yeah, that child needs to understand how to
respect both parents bothparents.
Even if it's a step-parent,they need to know how to respect
even that step-parent.
There cannot be this wholething of I discipline my child,
you don't say anything to them.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
That's a problem if they living.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I'm paying the rent or the mortgage.
They eating the food that I'mbuying.
You know, I'm making sure myI'm putting in money to make
sure they got clothes on theirback, but I can't say anything
to them.
No, we need to talk about thisadjustment.
We need to talk about thatbefore we get married because I
might not want to marry you.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Exactly those are those conversations that needs
to happen before and I don'tthink.
You know.
A lot of people have thosebecause we're so, we're so
excited.
You know we got the butterfliesand we so in love, and it's
like after you know you getmarried.
Then that's when all this stuffcomes yeah you just be like
what in the world?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
when the blood, when the butterflies leave, yeah then
you gotta deal with life gotreal life and real life issues.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Oh yeah, oh yeah so the first thing I would say is
putting each other first,definitely yeah definitely.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I think that that becomes huge.
I think for me, early on ourmarriage, I may have struggled
with understanding because, youknow, before we got married I
was just concerned about me.
Oh yeah, yeah, I was takingcare of me, doing me, you know.
But then we get married andit's like, oh, I need to
consider you, but I'm like youshould consider yourself.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
You ain't right.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Or, or, if I need to, if it's something I need to
consider about you, tell me.
So, I know, like you know forme, I would go to give me some
food and come home with me somefood and you'd be like did you
bring me anything Like?
No, I thought you got your ownfood.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
It was like a whole like I don't know what, and my
mom's like what is going on inyour head?
I don't know.
I guess I was just used to hey.
Well, if.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I'm feeding me.
Surely she's feeding herself,and you're just like you didn't
think to call and ask me if Iwas hungry or wanted something
to eat.
Well, no because weren't youfeeding yourself before we met?
So now, when I stop to get food, I got to get you food too.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I didn't know.
You could just say, you know,call and say, hey, I'm finna, go
get this.
Do you want anything?
Do you need anything?
And keep in mind we were youngand we were young, we were young
so I'm like that didn't we'regonna give you some grace yeah,
give me some grace.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Give me some grace, that young version of me.
But I just didn't thinkanything about.
I mean, I figured in my mindthe way I process it.
I'm getting food.
Surely you already got yousomething to eat or you're going
to.
Why would I call you and sayhey, baby, let me bring you
something.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
But you do it now, though, right, I do it now, I've
learned better.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
I've learned better.
If I start now, I better notshow up with something for me
and nothing for you.
So no, hey, I'm here, you wantsomething.
So no, I I.
Hey, I'm here, you wantsomething.
Just like I went to get tracesome food the other day, our
young son.
I went to get him he said hewanted some wings.
Well, I know you like wings.
So while we were there I calledhey, babe, would you like
something?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
you did.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I was proud of you yeah, no, I'm good now I got
this.
I got this thing.
How long?
Speaker 1 (11:00):
did it take you to get it?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
in recent years, hey it don't matter, thank god, you
got it, it all came, it all cametogether, you know it was an
adjustment, it was a hugeadjustment and I had to leave
the me first mentality andreally thinking about okay, yeah
, I do have responsibility tomyself because I'm an adult.
Yeah, but I also haveresponsibility to my wife,
because that's my wife and Ilove her yeah and I noticed a
(11:25):
big part of it is that you liketo know that I'm thinking about
you yeah yeah, and I didn'trealize that it wasn't about.
Well, you should take care ofyourself.
She's an adult.
No, it wasn't about that.
It was about you just wantingto know that I'm thinking about
you, I'm considering you yeahand the decisions that I'm
making, and at first I wasn'tconsidering you.
I didn't.
(11:46):
I mean I did, but I was.
It was faulty consideration, my, my thought process was flawed,
but now it's like okay, I'mconsidering you and what I can
do to assist you in that.
In that.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
So do you think that's most men because most
women are very are considerate,especially with their husbands I
do.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
In my experience with us talking with couples and
other men, I do think men tendto be a little selfish, some
more selfish than others intheir relationship.
Uh, women, I don't think somuch, because women are natural
nurturers typically, so they'realways considering other people,
like children and their spousesLike it's.
(12:26):
It's a something I believe Godput in them to be that.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Uh, and so they show that, that consideration to
their spouses, uh, and theyexpect that in return.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But they don't realize that we not built like
that, because I used to be likewhat is wrong, there's something
wrong.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I mean even with, even when our children sometimes
I have to like really beintentional about asking them
hey, are you hungry?
yeah because in my mind I feellike if you're hungry, you come
tell me you're hungry.
But I realize all kids aren'tlike that.
Some kids wait for you to askor they want to see what you're
going to do, like they expectyou to know they got to eat.
Yeah, but for me, if I'm noteating one day, or maybe I'm
(13:08):
busy or something, and I don'tstop, I expect you know, trey,
to be like hey, dad, can yougive me some food?
you know, or if we don't youknow, or is there something in
the house I can eat, or you wantme to get you something like
what is, what is?
What do you want?
I expect him to say something,but I notice he doesn't always
say it.
But as a father I have to sayhey, son hey, after a certain
time, yeah, you had breakfastthis morning.
(13:29):
It's a little bit late now.
You hungry, you want something?
And he may be like, yeah, I'mhungry, I'll be like why do you
say something?
Why didn't you tell me why?
I gotta ask you, are you hungry?
But but I remember, evengrowing up, I was the same way.
My dad was the same way.
Sometimes my dad would ask meare you hungry?
I'd be like, yeah, he was likewhy didn't you tell me?
Like well, I was just waitingon you to tell me when you was
gonna feed us.
So so we tend to do that, butwe as men we kind of miss that
(13:53):
consideration piece, whereaswomen, I can remember my mom at
always you hungry, you wantsomething to eat.
You know you need anything.
It was.
It was a constant yeah, alwayschecking everything.
Okay, you know how you know.
She could tell if I was, ifsomething went wrong with at
school or something.
If I walked through the doorshe looked what's what's wrong,
what's going on?
Speaker 1 (14:10):
I'm like what you mean, I'm fine no, yeah, you
just look like something's wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, we can just tell we just look at you, we
just know yeah and so with meand you come walking in, looking
all alone with a face, we'relike, hey, how was your day?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
I have no clue.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Like I guess you all right.
If there's something wrong,you'll tell me.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
So that's it adjusting or putting each other
first?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Yeah, yeah, putting each other first and moving
beyond the me, me firstmentality, I I think is is huge.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, yeah you, you had a real good run with it, so
thank.
God that everything's changedand you put us first.
Now, right, we grow.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
we change we develop and that's where we have to give
each other grace and time tolearn yeah Right.
And that's where that's wherewe got to be careful that we
don't become frustrated with oneanother and we just kind of
blow each other off or say thisis not working.
No, it's not working becausethe two have to become one.
There has to be an adjustmentperiod in the process of the
marriage.
You know we often talk aboutthat.
That's the hardest part.
(15:13):
We're a lot of couples in thosefirst.
If I were to give a range,first two years, people I know
for us, for me, a lot of thingswere the first five years of our
marriage.
It was a lot of adjusting,resistance to change and then
embracing change.
Later on that had to take placeand really some things took the
(15:34):
help of God.
It wasn't just awareness I wastalking about.
God had to really help us makethose adjustments.
So that goes into how would youadjust into a shared life in
marriage?
How would you?
How would you adjust into ashared life?
I mean, that's that's.
I think that's the whole keyadjusting to a shared life.
That's one aspect of it lettinggo of the me first mentality is
(15:55):
a start, and then allowing Godto walk you through how to be
more considerate and caring andattentive to your spouse but
when you're talking about ashared life, it's like when you
get together and you're used todoing things on your own right
oh, yeah, yeah so you're used towaking up one way and you just
wake up and you get ready andyou're going out the door, but
(16:17):
your wife likes to open theshade, open the blinds and let
the sunlight in, and maybe alittle talkative and or maybe
like to turn on the news.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
You know what I'm saying so, that part of like a
shared life um needs adjustingalso yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So I would say so that's like a second point
within that overarching point.
So when the first one, we'retalking about letting go of the
me first mentality, then gettinginto, like you said, that that
shared life, yeah, um, dealingwith behaviors, attitudes, uh,
typical your way of doing lifethat you have to adjust because
(16:56):
it it affects your partner nowso that's what you're referring
to.
Yeah, yeah, that's a big deal,because I can remember when we
first got married, you had yourway of doing mornings go ahead
and tell, tell people how youlike to do morning?
Speaker 1 (17:10):
I just I like to no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Don't start.
Don't start stuttering now.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Don't, don't say how you're, how you typically used
to start your mornings what Iused to get up and like good
morning, it's a great morning.
What?
We gotta do today, we gotta dothis and this, and you know, and
I'm just like uh, so, and I'mjust asking you questions, you
ready to talk and?
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I'm ready to talk and whatever turning lights on
turning up, yeah, opening theblinds and what else and what
years ago.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
I would like turn the news on turn news.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
You want to see the weather and traffic?
Uh-huh, okay, what else?
and maybe turn some music onsometimes music, yep, you want
to get your worship on and allthat.
Then what else?
That's it.
You was banging stuff.
I mean water running in thebathroom, drawers opening
clothes, I mean.
But you, when you get you getready, it's loud, it's like why
(18:01):
you can't.
When I get up and get ready inthe morning and I see you still
in the bed asleep, I try to doit quietly.
I don't turn on all the lights.
I know what my stuff is,because I, I want you.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I don't want to disturb you well, I wasn't used
to that, so I ain't exactly yourmorning you jump up.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Hey, good morning you up.
No, I'm not up, where you dowhat you gotta do today.
I'm trying to sleep right now.
I haven't thought, startedthinking about the day yet well,
I was just.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
I'm just a great day.
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I gotta do this today .
I gotta do that.
Oh, the boys gotta do this.
I gotta take care of this.
I don't care, text me, tell meabout it later well, it was an
adjustment it was.
Let me check the weather.
It's it's cold, dress warm.
And then you know the weatherrun constantly.
I'm like baby, they done ranthe weather report five times.
(18:58):
You ain't got it yet.
Turn the tv off.
Well, I'm watching with trafficto see if I need to hurry.
I'm getting out of here.
See, I'm not.
Look everything clear.
If something gonna happen, it'sgonna happen.
Just leave early, so if you do,you'll get there on time so by
the time I left, you was whatexcited no, I was awake.
I was like well, I'm gonna getup because I can't go back to
(19:20):
sleep, because you would leavebefore I did yeah I was like oh
my goodness, this is this, isthat?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
was an adjustment, because you know I had to not do
all of that well.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
well, I frustrated you because I wanted you to kind
of tone it down.
You frustrated me because Iwanted you to kind of tone it
down.
You frustrated me because Iwanted you to like hey, go sit
in the corner somewhere.
You know, move quietly, be achurch mouse, you know, you
ain't got to make all this noiseto get ready.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Hey, it's a beautiful day.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
It was.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
It was just it's a joy to just wake up.
So you know I would just beexcited.
That was an adjustment.
Yeah, now I think it's a joy tojust wake up.
That was I would just beexcited.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
That was an adjustment.
Yeah, that was an adjustment.
Now I think we have a balance.
You still want to get up andturn the lights on and open the
blinds yeah and all that.
I think, as we've gotten olderas a couple I'm more.
I'm not gonna say I'm a morningperson, but I think I'm up more
.
So I think now I kind of I'mkind of up before you in the
morning for the most part Ithink I you are not a morning
(20:19):
person.
No, I'm not a morning person,but I'm more.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I lean that way more now than I did then.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yes, yeah, yeah, I can.
I can deal with it a little bitbetter now with um.
I deal with the blinds, I justdon't turn the lights on.
I can deal with the sunlightbut just leave the lights off.
Yeah, let me adjust to gettinggoing, not just everything,
because you turn every light inthe house on.
(20:45):
Babe, every the bedroom lighton the bathroom light, on the
closet light on every light ison.
So I'm like I like light.
But you don't need all thatlight, just to get ready like
you got every light on okay, allright, get off me but it's an
adjustment and there's so manyothers.
That's just one example, butit's so many other adjustments
(21:08):
of you know just how we didthings yeah you know preparing
meals, what we would eat, youknow even going to the grocery
store.
That was a big.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
That was a huge adjustment what do you want?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
whatever you buy, I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Like, come on, go to the grocery store with me.
I'm thinking, you know, getmarried.
We're gonna go to the grocerystore together.
We're gonna go shopping and youjust like, whatever you buy is
what we're gonna eat, right?
Well, what do you like?
Speaker 2 (21:31):
you know, I was thinking about like my mom, like
my mom went to the storetogether for a while.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
We, you know we got married quick.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
No, I'm saying, when she went to do that for us, she
bought food for the house.
We didn't go to the store withher.
She just went and bought whatshe thought we would like and
that was it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
So you put that on us .
Yes, I'm like baby.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
You go to the store whatever you buy is what we
gonna eat, and if you buysomething we don't eat, we gonna
let you know we don't eat thatyeah, I remember when I bought
that peanut butter like, lookthis, don't ever buy this again.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I was like that's why you need to go with me.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Oh, well, but we had to learn.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
That's how you learn so that's why I wanted you to go
, so I would learn and know whatyou liked and what you didn't
like yeah, but hey, we had to doit your way you had to say it
like that right hey, I did.
I did it your way but hey, no,now you don't need an adjustment
.
No, I don't need y'all anymore.
(22:25):
Go and you get it done and hey,you know what to buy because now
it is whatever I buy is whaty'all gonna eat, and I changed
some stuff and y'all had to makethe adjustments.
There you go.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
So it worked out hey, and that's just a part of it
all right.
So what else?
What else you got what?
So we got to make a joke.
We got to let go of the mefirst mindset or attitude
understanding.
There's adjustments in theshared life what?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
what else change the way you communicate?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
yes, we all typically have our way of dealing with
things, but when you get married, sometimes shutting down?
yeah, you're shutting down yeah,no more shutting down.
Well, you got to.
I think you have to navigateshutting down and you got to
navigate those people who talkabout everything.
I think both of those createchallenges, depending on who
(23:12):
your spouse is.
Yeah, so if you like to talkand I like to shut down, that's
a problem.
I remember early on in ourmarriage where, when challenges
would come about and this istypical of most men we go
internal and we try to processthrough our challenges but
because I'm married.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You feel what I'm processing, so my silence almost
feels like rejection right ofyou, because I'm not letting you
in and I would come to you andbe like hey, we need to talk
about this, this and this,because you know, I can feel
that something's not not rightand um, and you just was like
I'm not ready to talk about it,and so you would kind of process
(23:53):
internally.
You know what?
What was going on in thesituation?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
but I wanted to express outwardly yeah, about
what it is we need to talk aboutand address yeah, we had to
find a balance, because nottalking or talking too much at
the wrong time can createproblems in the communication,
so you have to adjust but youshould not go days or a day
without talking about an issue.
(24:19):
Well, you know the Bible talksabout don't let the sun go down
on your wrath.
Now it may not be an angerissue, it just may be a
disagreement or something.
But even with that, you don'tneed to go night and day, night
and day and not address thosethings, because it creates
distance or space in therelationship.
And wherever there's space, theenemy is going to try to slip
(24:42):
in that space and divide andconquer.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
That's his goal with marriage.
Divide and conquer Always keepyou divided, separated, and if
you're not careful the way youcommunicate, if you don't adjust
in your marriage, you'll beopening the door for the enemy
to come in and create problems.
Yes, so some things we gottatalk about some things maybe we
pause and break on, but we gottaknow when to come back.
(25:07):
It can't be no three-day pauseyeah, seven-day pause.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Today, I'm not talking, I wouldn't even say a
one-day pause yeah, if you canif you can help it you need to
go ahead and deal with it.
You need to be able to gogather yourself and then come
back and have a conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I agree with that 100%.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
So you have to adjust in your communication.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Definitely.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Because a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Just you know, they've been single for so long
that they don't have to.
You know you don't have to goand have these conversations.
And now you're married, and sonow you got to navigate all of
that and get to learn how tocommunicate.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Yeah Well, imagine when you're single, your
disagreements are all external,and when you don't like it, you
get sick of it.
You, frustrated by you, don'tdeal with you.
Just go to your own space, gohome yeah, and it's just you,
yep, and you don't have to talk.
You can be mad in your ownspace, you can process in your
own space, you can be frustratedin your own space, you can shut
down in your own space andnobody cares but you but the
(26:03):
person that made you mad iscoming home with you.
Once you get married, theycoming home with you, and now
you got all this that your mouthmay be quiet, but your heart is
directing all that to them andthey feel it, and that's not
good in a marriage, in arelationship, and so you have to
(26:24):
be willing to adjust Becausenow my way of communicating, or
lack thereof, is hurting myrelationship, it's hurting my
marriage, right, and so when younotice it's creating challenges
, you, if you care about yourrelationship, you have to adjust
yes, the way you communicatethat's good, it works for single
(26:45):
when you single, but it may notwork when you're married.
You got to recognize that.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Yeah, and so the next thing would be keeping God
first.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's an adjustment Making sure you keep
God first in the marriage,because when things are good
sometimes you can tend to thinkoh we good, no worried about God
, god got this.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
God got.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
You know, I don't want to get too preachy, because
we can talk about certainaspects of that.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
It's easy to forget that marriage needs God when
things are good.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Yes, things are good and God is not your go-to.
When it's bad, right, he's yoursustainer and maintainer, even
when it's good, and so you haveto be careful that you don't
make God this person you run toto fix everything, but then you
don't need him once you thinkeverything is worked out.
(27:36):
And that's an adjustment evenfor couples Like let's make sure
we keep God at the center ofthis and not just hey, we call
on him when we need help.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, that's what you would say, like faith isn't a
backup plan when things start tofall apart.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
It's kind of like go like you said, we go run to God
like fix my marriage fix mymarriage.
But if he was the center allalong, you know you wouldn't
need, you wouldn't have to dothat.
The key spouse.
They're everything.
You see what I'm saying youcan't make your spouse an idol,
(28:11):
yeah, in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Some people idolize marriage.
They idolize marriage and theyidolize their spouse, the person
they're marrying, and they putthat person above god and so as
long as that person is treatingyou right, making you feel good
and things are well, yourrelationship with god slips.
But as soon as that persondoesn't fit the mode or image
you want them to fit, now youwant to go back to God and say
God fixed them.
And that's not how this works.
(28:33):
Keep God in it.
Both of you honor God frombeginning to end.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
And that helps to maintain a healthy marriage.
So when things do go bad, okay,God, we know you're here with
us and you will help us navigatethrough.
We have we built ourrelationship on God, not just
look to God for help right intimes of trouble.
That's good so, so that has tobe a thing.
If couples have not made Godthat centerpiece, that's an
(29:00):
adjustment, and you need to makethat a real adjustment that
goes even beyond before you getmarried yeah, that's a question
you get.
Is God at the center of thisperson's life?
Yeah, yeah, and my beyond.
Before you get married yeah,that's a question you get.
Is god at the center of thisperson's life?
yeah, yeah, and my life beforewe get married you get into the
next episode yeah, if god is notthe center uh-uh man ain't no
adjustments after marriage.
(29:21):
Do we need to be married?
That's the question, because ifyou don't depend on god, that's
gonna be a rough road.
You know that's gonna be arough road dealing with um, yeah
, dealing with that marriagepiece that's right.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
So that's my thought.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
God first keep god first.
Make him your everything and uh, everything will be okay, yeah,
be, but you gotta makeadjustments.
Be willing to make thoseadjustments.
So listen y'all.
I hope that was helpful to you.
One of the most importantaspects of your relationship is
being willing to makeadjustments and letting god be
god in your life.
All right, thank y'all forjoining us.
(29:58):
Can't wait to see you at thenext episode.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us, for doing it with
the daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to likecomment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
It's easy to forget that marriage needs God when
things are good.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yes, things are good, and God is not your go-to.
When it's bad, right, he's yoursustainer and maintainer even
when it's good.
Welcome to Doing it With theDales, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, welcome to doing it withthe Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry.
So glad to be back with youagain this week for doing it
with the daniels.
What's up, babe?
What's going on?
I am great how you feeling I'mfeeling good.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
You're excited, huh I am.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I'm with you.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I'm always excited when I'm with you it's always
exciting to do the podcast andI'm hanging with my boo you're
so crazy you remember that tvshow cool, yeah, hanging with my
boo.
It's such a I didn't know thatwas the word.
Did they say boo?
Speaker 2 (01:07):
That's what I thought I heard.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
I don't know if that's the right word, I don't
know, but that's what I used tosay.
I'm hanging with my boo.
We make up our own lyrics.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Sure, do we do.
What's going on you doing?
Alright, I'm doing good.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
How about yourself?
I am doing great, that's good.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Ready to jump in with another episode of the podcast?
Okay, get to be with you, getto be with our team today, come
on.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
We have a good time behind the scenes.
We have a good time.
I love these people, man.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
They are such a blessing to me.
Let me quit talking.
I get emotional and startcrying.
But I just love them so muchand yeah, so come on.
So what's up what we got today?
What are we talking about?
You know, we like to jump rightin, get straight to it.
Um, we've had actually we had abusy week yes over this last
weekend coming into the week.
It's been a busy week and itseems like man we're already
(01:54):
back here shooting a new episodeof the podcast.
It's like it's it's rolling yeah, it is from week to week
rolling uh being able to do it.
But I mean, it's exciting, Ithink the day before we have
that kind of anxiousness andthat anticipation about it, and
then on the day of when it'stime to do it, it's like man,
we're excited, we're gonna jumpin here.
Let's make sure we give themthe best value that we can, uh
(02:16):
wisdom.
We want to share it in part tothem and really help them yeah,
and so I I'm glad you know, oncethe once the lights go hot and
the cameras get to rolling, hey,it's go time, it's go time.
It's go time, time to helpsomebody.
You know it's amazing we get todo this.
You never know.
With the use of technology, theInternet, live streaming audio
and video, youtube and all thatkind of stuff, you never know
(02:39):
who's listening.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
you know, unless they tell us yeah, you know, unless
they tell us yeah.
And I love when we get feedbackon you know the episodes and
and what they liked, what theyum, what they're struggling with
and what they enjoy.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I love to hear the feedback yeah, I think the
blessing is that, even with fromthe feedback, even to those
that we don't get it from, butthey're blessed by it yeah
sometimes we may never knowright who's being impacted, but,
um, I believe god will rewardus.
I believe there's a reward,yeah, for our efforts and our
labor, um, even for those wedon't know who are benefiting
from this and so it's just a joyit's a joy to do it.
(03:12):
It's a joy to just know thatsomebody's benefiting right from
our journey exactly, and ourexperience and you know we often
talk about we've had a greatmarriage.
We had a great run in ourmarriage um and plan to continue
yes, to have a great time, yeah, um, but but even with that,
although it's been good, we'velearned some things oh yeah,
(03:33):
from the good and the bad, yeahyou don't have to have a bad
marriage in order to be able toshare things with people about
how to navigate marriage.
As a matter of fact, I want totalk to people who had good
marriages because they've donesomething right.
Right, you know, I don't needto know all the details of your
every mistake that you made andhow terrible it was, and then,
the last few years, you figuredout how to make it good, right
(03:55):
man like you, took you a longtime to learn some things, but
yeah, but you learn from thoseyou do you absolutely learn from
those mistakes?
um, and I think for us we've hadgood and, but we had a balance
yeah of good and bad.
Well, I won't even say abalance.
I don't think that's a goodrepresentation of our experience
I don't think it was a balancewhat do you think it was?
I think the good outweighed thebad, I think oh yeah I think, I
(04:16):
think you know there's a,there's a little bad and a whole
lot of good good that we haveencountered, but I think we were
able to recognize.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I think that's the key we recognize what could have
been bad yeah and adjustedbefore it became bad.
Now, some things were bad we hadto navigate through, but we got
through it right that's thatbrokenness, those scars that you
come in with and so thosethings were the bad stuff that
we wasn't ready for, I don'tthink in the beginning, because
we didn't realize that we wereso broken and we're trying to
(04:48):
come together and be one, and soI think that was a shocker, you
know, for both of us.
In learning, you know how todeal with all of that together.
You know, now I'm not just bymyself and I don't have to, just
I'm not dealing with just allthose scars and the baggage and
the things from my childhood bymyself.
Now I'm putting that on you aswell, and so now we got to work
(05:09):
together to unpack all of thisstuff totally agree, totally
agree.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I think that's a great assessment about what
creates, kind of the badexperiences in marriage.
It's not.
It's not that marriage is bador life is bad.
Sometimes it's just someunhealed areas, baggage, wounds,
scars, traumas that don'treally surface until you start
(05:35):
living life with somebody elseand all of that starts to affect
them and they start to let youknow hey, all your stuff is
hitting me Right, let you knowhey, all your stuff is hitting
me, yeah, right, and now it'slike that's a problem because I
didn't marry you to take on allyour stuff.
But when you marry somebody youdo, you do take on all of that,
and then you have to adjust yep,you got to help them out with
(05:57):
it well, what are we talkingabout today?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
today we are talking about adjusting to a shared life
in marriage adjustments yes,gotta make those adjustments.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
I think that's a difficult place for a lot of
people, because I don't think wetalk much about, or we think
much about, changing when we getmarried or what areas we have
to change in, and so we're goingto give the people some things
today, but we can't give youeverything no I mean, and it's
going to change, because whenyou, when you first get married,
if there are no childreninvolved, you know, when we got
(06:31):
married there was a childinvolved, so there were
adjustments around how we didlife as a couple and parenting
adjustments.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, and I think you had to adjust in that area well
, I think both of us did,because you didn't.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Okay, I had to, just because I'm coming in to what
they, what they used to call aready-made family, so there's a
child.
But also you had to, just withnow having somebody, yes, parent
your child alongside you.
Yes, yeah that was not therebefore uh-huh, that was.
That was a huge adjustment,yeah yeah, so there were
adjustments that we had to makein our shared life, that that we
(07:05):
had to navigate and learn tonavigate and become comfortable
with the uncomfortable aspectsof it.
Yeah, that was real.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
That was adjustment for me, even when you said that
about you know the child,because I had to in my mind,
wanted to make sure you lovedhim just as much as you love me.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So when you disciplined him that it was
coming from a pure place, yeah,yeah, so that was tough yeah, I
mean, and it's real, because ifwe're gonna have a family,
there's certain aspects thatneed to be in place.
You know, I don't believe inthe whole.
You marry somebody but theycan't say anything to your child
if you get married you alreadyhave a child.
You don't get married and thensay don't say it under my child
yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
That's a huge problem .
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Yeah, that child needs to understand how to
respect both parents bothparents.
Even if it's a step-parent,they need to know how to respect
even that step-parent.
There cannot be this wholething of I discipline my child,
you don't say anything to them.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
That's a problem if they living.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I'm paying the rent or the mortgage.
They eating the food that I'mbuying.
You know, I'm making sure myI'm putting in money to make
sure they got clothes on theirback, but I can't say anything
to them.
No, we need to talk about thisadjustment.
We need to talk about thatbefore we get married because I
might not want to marry you.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Exactly those are those conversations that needs
to happen before and I don'tthink.
You know.
A lot of people have thosebecause we're so, we're so
excited.
You know we got the butterfliesand we so in love, and it's
like after you know you getmarried.
Then that's when all this stuffcomes yeah you just be like
what in the world?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
when the blood, when the butterflies leave, yeah then
you gotta deal with life gotreal life and real life issues.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Oh yeah, oh yeah so the first thing I would say is
putting each other first,definitely yeah definitely.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I think that that becomes huge.
I think for me, early on ourmarriage, I may have struggled
with understanding because, youknow, before we got married I
was just concerned about me.
Oh yeah, yeah, I was takingcare of me, doing me, you know.
But then we get married andit's like, oh, I need to
consider you, but I'm like youshould consider yourself.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
You ain't right.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Or, or, if I need to, if it's something I need to
consider about you, tell me.
So, I know, like you know forme, I would go to give me some
food and come home with me somefood and you'd be like did you
bring me anything Like?
No, I thought you got your ownfood.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
It was like a whole like I don't know what, and my
mom's like what is going on inyour head?
I don't know.
I guess I was just used to hey.
Well, if.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I'm feeding me.
Surely she's feeding herself,and you're just like you didn't
think to call and ask me if Iwas hungry or wanted something
to eat.
Well, no because weren't youfeeding yourself before we met?
So now, when I stop to get food, I got to get you food too.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I didn't know.
You could just say, you know,call and say, hey, I'm finna, go
get this.
Do you want anything?
Do you need anything?
And keep in mind we were youngand we were young, we were young
so I'm like that didn't we'regonna give you some grace yeah,
give me some grace.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Give me some grace, that young version of me.
But I just didn't thinkanything about.
I mean, I figured in my mindthe way I process it.
I'm getting food.
Surely you already got yousomething to eat or you're going
to.
Why would I call you and sayhey, baby, let me bring you
something.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
But you do it now, though, right, I do it now, I've
learned better.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
I've learned better.
If I start now, I better notshow up with something for me
and nothing for you.
So no, hey, I'm here, you wantsomething.
So no, I I.
Hey, I'm here, you wantsomething.
Just like I went to get tracesome food the other day, our
young son.
I went to get him he said hewanted some wings.
Well, I know you like wings.
So while we were there I calledhey, babe, would you like
something?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
you did.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I was proud of you yeah, no, I'm good now I got
this.
I got this thing.
How long?
Speaker 1 (11:00):
did it take you to get it?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
in recent years, hey it don't matter, thank god, you
got it, it all came, it all cametogether, you know it was an
adjustment, it was a hugeadjustment and I had to leave
the me first mentality andreally thinking about okay, yeah
, I do have responsibility tomyself because I'm an adult.
Yeah, but I also haveresponsibility to my wife,
because that's my wife and Ilove her yeah and I noticed a
(11:25):
big part of it is that you liketo know that I'm thinking about
you yeah yeah, and I didn'trealize that it wasn't about.
Well, you should take care ofyourself.
She's an adult.
No, it wasn't about that.
It was about you just wantingto know that I'm thinking about
you, I'm considering you yeahand the decisions that I'm
making, and at first I wasn'tconsidering you.
I didn't.
(11:46):
I mean I did, but I was.
It was faulty consideration, my, my thought process was flawed,
but now it's like okay, I'mconsidering you and what I can
do to assist you in that.
In that.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
So do you think that's most men because most
women are very are considerate,especially with their husbands I
do.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
In my experience with us talking with couples and
other men, I do think men tendto be a little selfish, some
more selfish than others intheir relationship.
Uh, women, I don't think somuch, because women are natural
nurturers typically, so they'realways considering other people,
like children and their spousesLike it's.
(12:26):
It's a something I believe Godput in them to be that.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Uh, and so they show that, that consideration to
their spouses, uh, and theyexpect that in return.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But they don't realize that we not built like
that, because I used to be likewhat is wrong, there's something
wrong.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I mean even with, even when our children sometimes
I have to like really beintentional about asking them
hey, are you hungry?
yeah because in my mind I feellike if you're hungry, you come
tell me you're hungry.
But I realize all kids aren'tlike that.
Some kids wait for you to askor they want to see what you're
going to do, like they expectyou to know they got to eat.
Yeah, but for me, if I'm noteating one day, or maybe I'm
(13:08):
busy or something, and I don'tstop, I expect you know, trey,
to be like hey, dad, can yougive me some food?
you know, or if we don't youknow, or is there something in
the house I can eat, or you wantme to get you something like
what is, what is?
What do you want?
I expect him to say something,but I notice he doesn't always
say it.
But as a father I have to sayhey, son hey, after a certain
time, yeah, you had breakfastthis morning.
(13:29):
It's a little bit late now.
You hungry, you want something?
And he may be like, yeah, I'mhungry, I'll be like why do you
say something?
Why didn't you tell me why?
I gotta ask you, are you hungry?
But but I remember, evengrowing up, I was the same way.
My dad was the same way.
Sometimes my dad would ask meare you hungry?
I'd be like, yeah, he was likewhy didn't you tell me?
Like well, I was just waitingon you to tell me when you was
gonna feed us.
So so we tend to do that, butwe as men we kind of miss that
(13:53):
consideration piece, whereaswomen, I can remember my mom at
always you hungry, you wantsomething to eat.
You know you need anything.
It was.
It was a constant yeah, alwayschecking everything.
Okay, you know how you know.
She could tell if I was, ifsomething went wrong with at
school or something.
If I walked through the doorshe looked what's what's wrong,
what's going on?
Speaker 1 (14:10):
I'm like what you mean, I'm fine no, yeah, you
just look like something's wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, we can just tell we just look at you, we
just know yeah and so with meand you come walking in, looking
all alone with a face, we'relike, hey, how was your day?
Speaker 1 (14:24):
I have no clue.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Like I guess you all right.
If there's something wrong,you'll tell me.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
So that's it adjusting or putting each other
first?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Yeah, yeah, putting each other first and moving
beyond the me, me firstmentality, I I think is is huge.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, yeah you, you had a real good run with it, so
thank.
God that everything's changedand you put us first.
Now, right, we grow.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
we change we develop and that's where we have to give
each other grace and time tolearn yeah Right.
And that's where that's wherewe got to be careful that we
don't become frustrated with oneanother and we just kind of
blow each other off or say thisis not working.
No, it's not working becausethe two have to become one.
There has to be an adjustmentperiod in the process of the
marriage.
You know we often talk aboutthat.
That's the hardest part.
(15:13):
We're a lot of couples in thosefirst.
If I were to give a range,first two years, people I know
for us, for me, a lot of thingswere the first five years of our
marriage.
It was a lot of adjusting,resistance to change and then
embracing change.
Later on that had to take placeand really some things took the
(15:34):
help of God.
It wasn't just awareness I wastalking about.
God had to really help us makethose adjustments.
So that goes into how would youadjust into a shared life in
marriage?
How would you?
How would you adjust into ashared life?
I mean, that's that's.
I think that's the whole keyadjusting to a shared life.
That's one aspect of it lettinggo of the me first mentality is
(15:55):
a start, and then allowing Godto walk you through how to be
more considerate and caring andattentive to your spouse but
when you're talking about ashared life, it's like when you
get together and you're used todoing things on your own right
oh, yeah, yeah so you're used towaking up one way and you just
wake up and you get ready andyou're going out the door, but
(16:17):
your wife likes to open theshade, open the blinds and let
the sunlight in, and maybe alittle talkative and or maybe
like to turn on the news.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
You know what I'm saying so, that part of like a
shared life um needs adjustingalso yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So I would say so that's like a second point
within that overarching point.
So when the first one, we'retalking about letting go of the
me first mentality, then gettinginto, like you said, that that
shared life, yeah, um, dealingwith behaviors, attitudes, uh,
typical your way of doing lifethat you have to adjust because
(16:56):
it it affects your partner nowso that's what you're referring
to.
Yeah, yeah, that's a big deal,because I can remember when we
first got married, you had yourway of doing mornings go ahead
and tell, tell people how youlike to do morning?
Speaker 1 (17:10):
I just I like to no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Don't start.
Don't start stuttering now.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Don't, don't say how you're, how you typically used
to start your mornings what Iused to get up and like good
morning, it's a great morning.
What?
We gotta do today, we gotta dothis and this, and you know, and
I'm just like uh, so, and I'mjust asking you questions, you
ready to talk and?
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I'm ready to talk and whatever turning lights on
turning up, yeah, opening theblinds and what else and what
years ago.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
I would like turn the news on turn news.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
You want to see the weather and traffic?
Uh-huh, okay, what else?
and maybe turn some music onsometimes music, yep, you want
to get your worship on and allthat.
Then what else?
That's it.
You was banging stuff.
I mean water running in thebathroom, drawers opening
clothes, I mean.
But you, when you get you getready, it's loud, it's like why
(18:01):
you can't.
When I get up and get ready inthe morning and I see you still
in the bed asleep, I try to doit quietly.
I don't turn on all the lights.
I know what my stuff is,because I, I want you.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I don't want to disturb you well, I wasn't used
to that, so I ain't exactly yourmorning you jump up.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Hey, good morning you up.
No, I'm not up, where you dowhat you gotta do today.
I'm trying to sleep right now.
I haven't thought, startedthinking about the day yet well,
I was just.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
I'm just a great day.
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I gotta do this today .
I gotta do that.
Oh, the boys gotta do this.
I gotta take care of this.
I don't care, text me, tell meabout it later well, it was an
adjustment it was.
Let me check the weather.
It's it's cold, dress warm.
And then you know the weatherrun constantly.
I'm like baby, they done ranthe weather report five times.
(18:58):
You ain't got it yet.
Turn the tv off.
Well, I'm watching with trafficto see if I need to hurry.
I'm getting out of here.
See, I'm not.
Look everything clear.
If something gonna happen, it'sgonna happen.
Just leave early, so if you do,you'll get there on time so by
the time I left, you was whatexcited no, I was awake.
I was like well, I'm gonna getup because I can't go back to
(19:20):
sleep, because you would leavebefore I did yeah I was like oh
my goodness, this is this, isthat?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
was an adjustment, because you know I had to not do
all of that well.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
well, I frustrated you because I wanted you to kind
of tone it down.
You frustrated me because Iwanted you to kind of tone it
down.
You frustrated me because Iwanted you to like hey, go sit
in the corner somewhere.
You know, move quietly, be achurch mouse, you know, you
ain't got to make all this noiseto get ready.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Hey, it's a beautiful day.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
It was.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
It was just it's a joy to just wake up.
So you know I would just beexcited.
That was an adjustment.
Yeah, now I think it's a joy tojust wake up.
That was I would just beexcited.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
That was an adjustment.
Yeah, that was an adjustment.
Now I think we have a balance.
You still want to get up andturn the lights on and open the
blinds yeah and all that.
I think, as we've gotten olderas a couple I'm more.
I'm not gonna say I'm a morningperson, but I think I'm up more
.
So I think now I kind of I'mkind of up before you in the
morning for the most part Ithink I you are not a morning
(20:19):
person.
No, I'm not a morning person,but I'm more.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I lean that way more now than I did then.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yes, yeah, yeah, I can.
I can deal with it a little bitbetter now with um.
I deal with the blinds, I justdon't turn the lights on.
I can deal with the sunlightbut just leave the lights off.
Yeah, let me adjust to gettinggoing, not just everything,
because you turn every light inthe house on.
(20:45):
Babe, every the bedroom lighton the bathroom light, on the
closet light on every light ison.
So I'm like I like light.
But you don't need all thatlight, just to get ready like
you got every light on okay, allright, get off me but it's an
adjustment and there's so manyothers.
That's just one example, butit's so many other adjustments
(21:08):
of you know just how we didthings yeah you know preparing
meals, what we would eat, youknow even going to the grocery
store.
That was a big.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
That was a huge adjustment what do you want?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
whatever you buy, I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Like, come on, go to the grocery store with me.
I'm thinking, you know, getmarried.
We're gonna go to the grocerystore together.
We're gonna go shopping and youjust like, whatever you buy is
what we're gonna eat, right?
Well, what do you like?
Speaker 2 (21:31):
you know, I was thinking about like my mom, like
my mom went to the storetogether for a while.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
We, you know we got married quick.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
No, I'm saying, when she went to do that for us, she
bought food for the house.
We didn't go to the store withher.
She just went and bought whatshe thought we would like and
that was it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
So you put that on us .
Yes, I'm like baby.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
You go to the store whatever you buy is what we
gonna eat, and if you buysomething we don't eat, we gonna
let you know we don't eat thatyeah, I remember when I bought
that peanut butter like, lookthis, don't ever buy this again.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
I was like that's why you need to go with me.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Oh, well, but we had to learn.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
That's how you learn so that's why I wanted you to go
, so I would learn and know whatyou liked and what you didn't
like yeah, but hey, we had to doit your way you had to say it
like that right hey, I did.
I did it your way but hey, no,now you don't need an adjustment
.
No, I don't need y'all anymore.
(22:25):
Go and you get it done and hey,you know what to buy because now
it is whatever I buy is whaty'all gonna eat, and I changed
some stuff and y'all had to makethe adjustments.
There you go.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
So it worked out hey, and that's just a part of it
all right.
So what else?
What else you got what?
So we got to make a joke.
We got to let go of the mefirst mindset or attitude
understanding.
There's adjustments in theshared life what?
Speaker 1 (22:49):
what else change the way you communicate?
Speaker 2 (22:52):
yes, we all typically have our way of dealing with
things, but when you get married, sometimes shutting down?
yeah, you're shutting down yeah,no more shutting down.
Well, you got to.
I think you have to navigateshutting down and you got to
navigate those people who talkabout everything.
I think both of those createchallenges, depending on who
(23:12):
your spouse is.
Yeah, so if you like to talkand I like to shut down, that's
a problem.
I remember early on in ourmarriage where, when challenges
would come about and this istypical of most men we go
internal and we try to processthrough our challenges but
because I'm married.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
You feel what I'm processing, so my silence almost
feels like rejection right ofyou, because I'm not letting you
in and I would come to you andbe like hey, we need to talk
about this, this and this,because you know, I can feel
that something's not not rightand um, and you just was like
I'm not ready to talk about it,and so you would kind of process
(23:53):
internally.
You know what?
What was going on in thesituation?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
but I wanted to express outwardly yeah, about
what it is we need to talk aboutand address yeah, we had to
find a balance, because nottalking or talking too much at
the wrong time can createproblems in the communication,
so you have to adjust but youshould not go days or a day
without talking about an issue.
(24:19):
Well, you know the Bible talksabout don't let the sun go down
on your wrath.
Now it may not be an angerissue, it just may be a
disagreement or something.
But even with that, you don'tneed to go night and day, night
and day and not address thosethings, because it creates
distance or space in therelationship.
And wherever there's space, theenemy is going to try to slip
(24:42):
in that space and divide andconquer.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
That's his goal with marriage.
Divide and conquer Always keepyou divided, separated, and if
you're not careful the way youcommunicate, if you don't adjust
in your marriage, you'll beopening the door for the enemy
to come in and create problems.
Yes, so some things we gottatalk about some things maybe we
pause and break on, but we gottaknow when to come back.
(25:07):
It can't be no three-day pauseyeah, seven-day pause.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Today, I'm not talking, I wouldn't even say a
one-day pause yeah, if you canif you can help it you need to
go ahead and deal with it.
You need to be able to gogather yourself and then come
back and have a conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I agree with that 100%.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
So you have to adjust in your communication.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Definitely.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Because a lot of people.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
Just you know, they've been single for so long
that they don't have to.
You know you don't have to goand have these conversations.
And now you're married, and sonow you got to navigate all of
that and get to learn how tocommunicate.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Yeah Well, imagine when you're single, your
disagreements are all external,and when you don't like it, you
get sick of it.
You, frustrated by you, don'tdeal with you.
Just go to your own space, gohome yeah, and it's just you,
yep, and you don't have to talk.
You can be mad in your ownspace, you can process in your
own space, you can be frustratedin your own space, you can shut
down in your own space andnobody cares but you but the
(26:03):
person that made you mad iscoming home with you.
Once you get married, theycoming home with you, and now
you got all this that your mouthmay be quiet, but your heart is
directing all that to them andthey feel it, and that's not
good in a marriage, in arelationship, and so you have to
(26:24):
be willing to adjust Becausenow my way of communicating, or
lack thereof, is hurting myrelationship, it's hurting my
marriage, right, and so when younotice it's creating challenges
, you, if you care about yourrelationship, you have to adjust
yes, the way you communicatethat's good, it works for single
(26:45):
when you single, but it may notwork when you're married.
You got to recognize that.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Yeah, and so the next thing would be keeping God
first.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's an adjustment Making sure you keep
God first in the marriage,because when things are good
sometimes you can tend to thinkoh we good, no worried about God
, god got this.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
God got.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
You know, I don't want to get too preachy, because
we can talk about certainaspects of that.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
It's easy to forget that marriage needs God when
things are good.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
Yes, things are good and God is not your go-to.
When it's bad, right, he's yoursustainer and maintainer, even
when it's good, and so you haveto be careful that you don't
make God this person you run toto fix everything, but then you
don't need him once you thinkeverything is worked out.
(27:36):
And that's an adjustment evenfor couples Like let's make sure
we keep God at the center ofthis and not just hey, we call
on him when we need help.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, that's what you would say, like faith isn't a
backup plan when things start tofall apart.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
It's kind of like go like you said, we go run to God
like fix my marriage fix mymarriage.
But if he was the center allalong, you know you wouldn't
need, you wouldn't have to dothat.
The key spouse.
They're everything.
You see what I'm saying youcan't make your spouse an idol,
(28:11):
yeah, in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Some people idolize marriage.
They idolize marriage and theyidolize their spouse, the person
they're marrying, and they putthat person above god and so as
long as that person is treatingyou right, making you feel good
and things are well, yourrelationship with god slips.
But as soon as that persondoesn't fit the mode or image
you want them to fit, now youwant to go back to God and say
God fixed them.
And that's not how this works.
(28:33):
Keep God in it.
Both of you honor God frombeginning to end.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
And that helps to maintain a healthy marriage.
So when things do go bad, okay,God, we know you're here with
us and you will help us navigatethrough.
We have we built ourrelationship on God, not just
look to God for help right intimes of trouble.
That's good so, so that has tobe a thing.
If couples have not made Godthat centerpiece, that's an
(29:00):
adjustment, and you need to makethat a real adjustment that
goes even beyond before you getmarried yeah, that's a question
you get.
Is God at the center of thisperson's life?
Yeah, yeah, and my beyond.
Before you get married yeah,that's a question you get.
Is god at the center of thisperson's life?
yeah, yeah, and my life beforewe get married you get into the
next episode yeah, if god is notthe center uh-uh man ain't no
adjustments after marriage.
(29:21):
Do we need to be married?
That's the question, because ifyou don't depend on god, that's
gonna be a rough road.
You know that's gonna be arough road dealing with um, yeah
, dealing with that marriagepiece that's right.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
So that's my thought.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
God first keep god first.
Make him your everything and uh, everything will be okay, yeah,
be, but you gotta makeadjustments.
Be willing to make thoseadjustments.
So listen y'all.
I hope that was helpful to you.
One of the most importantaspects of your relationship is
being willing to makeadjustments and letting god be
god in your life.
All right, thank y'all forjoining us.
(29:58):
Can't wait to see you at thenext episode.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us, for doing it with
the daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to likecomment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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