January 30, 2025 • 39 mins
Communication can make or break a marriage, and after 20 years of navigating the highs and lows together, we've learned that it's not just about what you say—it's how you say it. Tune in as we share stories from our own marriage, highlighting the power of both verbal and non-verbal communication. By understanding the subtle cues of body language and tone, couples can turn misunderstandings into opportunities for growth, fostering healthier and more respectful interactions.
Non-verbal communication often speaks louder than words. Many of us pick up these cues from childhood, which can impact our interactions and sometimes lead to unintended hostility. This episode offers a guide to developing mature communication skills and the importance of navigating difficult conversations with empathy and clarity. By exploring how effective communication can prevent emotional distance, we delve into the true essence of maintaining a strong and supportive relationship.
The art of communication is more than avoiding disagreements—it's about knowing when and how to tackle them. With insights rooted in personal experience, we emphasize the importance of active listening and the role empathy plays in preventing misunderstandings. From managing non-verbal signals to addressing emotional gaps that can arise in routine conversations, discover practical steps to ensure your relationship grows in closeness and trust. Plus, we share a sneak peek into our two books that can further enrich your journey toward a fulfilling partnership.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I can go off to somewhere else in space, or I
just be somewhere else like ohyeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I'll be like I'm back , I left, Right here I'm talking
.
Welcome to Doing it With theDales, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, where we help couples
get it on in life, marriage andministry.
So happy to have you join ustoday for our podcast, doing it
With the Daniels.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
We back what's up, come on, we back, and I'm
excited.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Come on, it's always a good time.
Look, let's jump straight intoday.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
What we got.
What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
We're talking about.
I Don't Like how you Talk To Me.
Ooh that's going to be so good.
It is good.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
You just pulled that one out your back pocket, right
hey?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
to write stories.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Look how many times have you said that to me.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
A lot.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
How many times have I said that to you?
Oh, not that many, not thatmany.
I think I've got my ownvariation of what do I say?
You say I don't like how youtalk to me.
What do I say I don't know whatyou do.
Why are you talking to me likethat?
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, or this is what we're not going to do.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I think you know, at the end of the day it's still
communication.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And we're checking each other to a certain extent
on how we're communicating and Ithink we've learned over the
course, over years, of ourmarriage.
This year we'll celebrate 20years, 20 years.
It's been a lot of learning anda lot of growing with our
communication.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, so I would be honest and say I really didn't
know how to communicate.
I was a terrible communicator,I would do.
I did a lot of non-verbals, youknow, I think in the beginning.
And so I had to really reallylearn how to communicate
effectively, because I didn'tknow, and sometimes I feel like
we do what we see our parents doand a lot is caught Right, and
(02:06):
so I think I caught a lot ofthings and plus, you know just
how they are, who I am and DNAand all that stuff you know
plays a role.
Yes, so I had to really learnhow to communicate.
Yeah because I didn't.
I really realized.
I didn't know how tocommunicate.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I think we learn how to communicate in general
together, but also learning howto communicate with one another.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Yeah, especially in marriage.
So when you get lock your lifewith somebody and do life with
them every day, I mean it's like, well, you say they're anointed
to get on your nerves.
So there's so many things thatare going to happen, where
you're going to have to learnhow to talk through issues, talk
through things that happen.
So that's when the learningpart comes from.
(02:48):
And so, since we had thoseissues, it taught me how to
communicate.
First it taught me that, hey,I'm a terrible communicator, and
then it taught me how to learnhow to communicate yes, I think
that's good what you said, thatwe, through those experiences,
we learned how to communicatewith another.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
So I mean, those experiences aren't bad if we
view them as growthopportunities, learning
opportunities.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I had to learn that it's not bad that we go
through those things, but I hadto grow from them, so I had to
learn what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say
and how to say it.
You know, sometimes I reallyrealize it's not what you say is
how to say it.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
you know, sometimes I really realize it's not what
you say it's how you say it ahundred percent of the time.
Yes, I agree, I totally agree.
Yeah, and I think we learnedsome valuable lessons from that.
So let's jump in and getstarted.
Okay, let's go all right.
So we're talking aboutcommunication.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Like, let's really get down to the nitty-gritty of
it when you know what factorsreally play into communication
um, I think a lot kind of likewhat we talked about earlier
nonverbals, so your words mayspeak, but your tone and body
speaks volumes.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, that's real.
That's real, I think many timeswe think, as long as what I'm
saying is heard, that's all thatmatters, but not understanding
that all of the extra that goesalong with what we say, what is?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
extra, extra are like eye rolls.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Eye rolling, neck rolling, neck rolls, banging on
stuff.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Slamming cabinets.
Looking off yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
You know all of that.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Looking off, raising your voice.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yes.
Your tone of voice yeah, all ofthat plays a role.
Yes, your tone of choice yeah,all of that plays a role all of
that plays a major role in themessage and the feelings yeah,
that are actually communicated,yeah, when we share something
yeah, even folding your arms.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
I think you talked to me about that once yeah,
folding your arms representshostility like I didn't know
that if we told you fold down,like okay, now you hostile yeah,
I didn't even know that,because in my mind I'm'm like,
I'm just, I'm not, you know, butfor you that represents
hostility.
So I had to learn okay, okay,don't fold your arms.
I don't want him to think I'mmad, or something.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
It's like either I'm hostile or I'm fed up with you.
It's kind of what thatcommunicates.
All of that plays a role inanybody who's looking at
communication, even children.
They play a role.
It plays a role in what do yousay and how you say it.
They're looking at all that welearn from from childhood.
Yes, to watch all of that,because it tells us really
(05:16):
what's what's fully encompassingthat message that's coming out
of your mouth.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yeah, that's good.
I think I learned a lot fromchildhood, like I said earlier,
yeah watching my parents, justwatching other people, and you
just catch things and you juststart doing what they do, not
knowing that that's not theright way to respond to like an
argument or a disagreement well,the reality is that most of us
never really develop the skillof communication, and it's a
(05:44):
skill that can be developed.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
We just think, as long as I can talk and use words
that we are familiar with, yeah, then I'm communicating.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, but that's not really fully developed
communication in a mature stateyeah, I was very immature in my
communication because I wouldhold things yeah and so I would
hold it hold it until hold ituntil until the volcano erupted.
And when it erupt, it was notgood and it just come out like
(06:14):
it just, it would come out justreally bad.
Yeah, it would come out with alot of hostility, a lot of
yelling, a lot of um, justattitude and just attitude yeah
all it what attitude.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I mean I told you that's what my deal breakers
when we were dating.
I was like I ain't datingnobody with a bunch of attitudes
yeah, you got, and that's whythat's why I realized you was
really sweet.
But after you get married, okay, how sweet a person these, the
real them comes out.
You don't get on their nervesand you're gonna see a side of
them that you may not see beforethe I do.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
It's so crazy how people can mask that until they
say I do, and you be like whereall this come from.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
It's because you don't want to lose them.
Is that what it is?
You can break up with me beforewe get married, but after we
get married it ain't as easy toleave, right?
So now, now you think you canjust show out.
Uh-huh, yeah, some people do dothat.
Is that what I did?
No, I don't think it's what youdid.
I think it was just theevolution of, of learning to
communicate in difficultsituations because in marriage
(07:13):
you're going to have difficultconversations, yeah, difficult
experiences where you really gotto work on your communication
and learn how to navigate thosethings and really navigating
those difficult times.
A lot of that weighs on howwell the couple can communicate
with one another yeah, that'sright.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It's even in the beginning stages where that two
becomes one part yes, that is.
That's the rough place, becauseyou're trying to get to know
each other.
You're living together now andall of this is new, so you gotta
learn.
If they're a morning person,you know, because I pop up in
the morning and I'm like goodmorning, it's gonna be a good,
beautiful day, what we gonna dotoday, and we gotta do this and
(07:50):
this, and you'd be like be quietso it's just all of that.
It's like you're learning, butthen you got to also learn them
at the same time, and how theycommunicate, and all of that and
you got to figure out what thehot buttons are.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Yeah, because we all have hot buttons.
We all have sensitive areaswhere there's certain things I
know.
If I talk about those areas itmight be a problem, but you
learn that over the course oftime, and even here's a big deal
, even having to ask Holy Spiritto teach me how to communicate
with my wife how to say certainthings to you, because I didn't
(08:29):
want it to become an argument ordisagree.
And we really don't argue,really never have argued, we
just disagree.
Yeah Right, we had our strongdisagreements, but it was never
any of that, just constant backand forth stuff.
But even asking Holy Spiritlike, show me how to talk to her
about this.
Uh, and then there were timesholy spirit was would tell me
don't say anything about certainthings, um, because it just
(08:52):
wasn't the time, yeah, and so Idon't want people to think that
it's avoidance.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
It's not avoidance, it's just you got to have wisdom
and when to say certain things,even to your spouse yeah,
because sometimes I feel like hehad you said something in that,
in that moment you would havemade it worse.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah and there were times I did.
Yeah, there were times HolySpirit was like, be quiet, don't
say.
I was like, nah, she got tohear this, she need to hear this
.
And I said it.
Oh, and it made it worse.
Yeah, I realized why.
He told me yeah don't say that.
And I should have listened, youknow, because in the times that
I did listen, things wentbetter, much better.
But it's a part of learning,it's a part of me getting out of
(09:29):
the way and not feeling like,no, we need to communicate.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
I need to say what I need to say yeah, because
everything that doesn't need tobe said when we want to say yeah
, exactly, and I've learned tocalm down and think and go pray
and versus just, you know,running and saying whatever I
need to say.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's just because it comes out better when you do
that, because sometimes you justbe in the moment and then
sometimes, when you calm down,you realize it really ain't that
big of a deal.
It's just, you know, littlestuff, and I think it's the
little foxes that we don't payattention to.
Like the Bible says, it's thelittle things that we can kind
of go running with and blow upon yeah and you make.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
You make something bigger than it didn't needs to
be so I think that reminds me ofa conversation we had a few
days ago where you wasexplaining how you felt about
something and I was like, okay,yeah, I got, I hear what you're
saying and almost kind ofblowing it off, but just like I
get it, I already know how youfeel about this.
Okay, whatever, let's just moveon, or whatever.
(10:30):
And you asked me.
You was like well, what, whatis it?
What do you hear me say?
I say, well, you're saying this, this and this, and he was like
all right, that day you reallyjust let it go, like you didn't
even try to yeah discuss itfurther and in my mind I'm like,
well, that must be it.
She just don't want to talkabout it.
Maybe she's not ready to admitthat that's what it is.
But about a day and a halflater you came back.
(10:52):
You said now what?
And you did it in a such a niceway and it just shows the
progress of our relationshipover the years.
He was like now what did youthink I was trying to say?
Like you didn't come inaccusing me, that's really like
I used to.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Yeah, well, a lot of people do.
They come.
You said you and it's like no,yeah, your approach was tell me
again what you think I wassaying.
And I said, well, I thought yousaid this, this and this, and
you said, no, that's not what Iwas trying to say, right, and I
say it.
Okay, tell me, explain to mewhat you were trying to say,
(11:30):
because I that's theunderstanding I have.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
And you begin to break it down and give me
understanding on what you weresaying and why you were saying
it, and when you finish, I waslike OK, I was wrong.
Whatever, I assume whatever Ithought you were trying to
communicate was totally wrong.
But the good thing about isthat number one, instead of you
getting angry the first daybecause that's where most
disagreements come inmisunderstanding.
(11:54):
Right, I wasn't understandingyou.
Clearly, you didn't try to yellit into me, which is what most
people do.
When they feel like they're notheard, they try to yell it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Yelling doesn't bring understanding well, I, I knew
that had I tried to change orchange your mind in that moment,
you already had your mind madeup that you knew what I was
saying.
And I was like he think he know, or he think he got it figured
out, but that's just not it.
And I had to go evaluate myheart on this, on the subject
too.
I was like that ain't what Iknow, that's not it.
(12:26):
And so, after I talked to God,I evaluate my heart, I did some
internal things, you know, youknow, just really looking at you
, know myself, and I was likeand then I went to God and I'm
like God, that's not, no, that'snot it.
And so I had to sit with it fora minute and then I was like,
okay, let me talk to him aboutit.
So what did you?
What did you think I meant orwhat did you think I was talking
(12:46):
about?
So that's how I've kind ofapproached it this time yeah
because you can be so like yeah,I know, you know.
So I was like I'm like I'm notfinna finna go here.
We not finna go go there.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
So I was like, okay, I'm gonna let him know for a
couple days and then we'll comeback and revisit it and I felt
like I knew because it wasn'tthe first time that topic had
come up exactly like okay, yeah,okay we're back to this again.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
But that's why I had to do some re-evaluate.
I had to really like search inmy heart and figure out like hey
, do I feel like this is this ishe right, is this true?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
and I was like, no, that ain't it so and I broke one
of the rules of communication,which is suspend your judgment
that's good and because I didnot suspend my own judgment, I
don't.
Whatever you said had to gothrough the filter of what I
already believe and it's calledin communication.
If you study communication,it's called interference.
So you're sending a message,but my own judgment about it and
(13:49):
assumptions createsinterference and distorts the
message.
Right so that I hear what Iwant to hear the message right
so that I hear what I want tohear.
Your what you're saying getsskewed in my mind so that I
understand it the way I alreadythink I should understand,
instead of understanding the wayyou're communicating right.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So it could it be because it's come up before you
know you just absolutely, okay,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I think it's when you visit, you visit a thing a few
times it's like okay, yeah, Iknow this is, but you have to
give leeway for your partner,your spouse, to change, yeah, to
evaluate their own heart, theirown thought process, their own
beliefs and adjust right,because I wasn't in that place
that I was years ago.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I had changed and actually grown you know from
that, and so I guess youprobably thought, yeah, here we
go again.
I already know how this isgoing to end.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
And so that wasn't right, that wasn't true.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah, and that's what helped.
That's what these tools andstrategies with communication
have helped us to overcome, sothat we don't live in their
place.
And, like we said, thishappened a few days ago ago.
So, although we still makethese mistakes, we're able to go
back and revisit andre-implement the tools and then
get over that hump and come tothat place of resolve and
understanding, which is what thegoal is about.
(15:05):
Yeah, people have to understand.
This is not about being perfectno, when what we always say
right there's no perfectmarriage and you're not going to
be perfect in yourcommunication or anything you do
, but as you learn better, youdo better exactly, and you work
at being better, right, andthat's how you navigate and
approach, you know,communicating with your spouse
and not only that, likecommunication with your spouse,
(15:27):
but it helps you be a bettercommunicator on your job at
church.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You know, I've learned that I'm a better
communicator like not only here,but in other settings.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
It's helped me.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
And so I don't hold stuff so much.
Now I'm going to come to youand I'm going to say, hey, can I
talk to you about the XYZ?
And sometimes I have to bepatient with you because I
realize he don't want to hearwhat I got to say, but I got to
tell him anyway, and that's apart of it, and that's what I
got to say, but I got to tellhim anyway.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Yeah, and that's a part of it, and that's where we
have to pray, yeah, and knowyour spouse.
Yeah, because I had to learnwhere you're sensitive.
You know you got to learn whereI'm sensitive or where I just
don't like certain topics.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, you know and how that's you right there.
You don't like certain topics.
You'll be like worry aboutyourself.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
yeah and then you try to force.
No man, that's where we get tothat.
Look, I don't like how youtalking to me.
Yeah, you know, you need, youneed.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I think we said that a lot like well, I say you need
to rephrase how you said thatexactly, and sometimes I do, I
get it, I I do, but I think yourealize you don't like what I'm
saying, but you realize I'mright what you're saying is
right.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I just don't like the way you say it, like something
you say I don't like.
When you come back, you need tolike tell me what I need, you
need, you need to.
You need to watch how you dothis.
Oh girl, what you mean I needto watch how I need.
If you want to suggest or youwant to advise that I do, then
(16:59):
do that.
But you come with, you need to.
I'm like wait a minute, I fixedit.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
You did fix it after I brought to your attention a
few times, like what you mean Ineed, you need to mind your own
come tell you what I need to dobut I fixed it, I'm working on
it, yeah but it's a part of it,because I think we was talking
the other day and I was saying Ithink I did say that you need
to da, da, da, da, da and um,and then in that moment I was
(17:26):
like, well, let me say it likethis yeah and then I and I fixed
it.
You was like well, I reallyappreciate that.
And I said well, I said I'msorry, I didn't mean to say it
like that, I meant to say itlike this.
And so it's like that awarenesspiece, you know, didn't mean
any harm, I wasn't hostile whenI said it or anything, it just
(17:47):
was like yeah, you y'all need tosuch and such such.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You just kind of jumped out there with it, kind
of how you thought about it,yeah, but I like what you just
said awareness.
There's a because we're able topoint out those things, what we
don't like about each other'scommunication.
It can bring a heightened levelof awareness, yeah, to us so we
can make the adjustment.
And that's the key couples haveto be willing to listen to each
(18:11):
other, yeah, so they can makethe adjustments in their
communication because it makesyou better at the end of the day
.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
You know, not perfect in my communication.
I'm getting better you know,just by listening to what you
say and you know feedback, youknow telling me, you know you
might not want to say it likethis, you might want to say it
like that.
You know, and that helps, thathelps me.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah, we're both getting better.
I mean even, and that helps,that helps me.
Yeah, we're both getting better.
I mean even.
It goes beyond just ourrelationship.
But because you know we'rehelpers one to another, you
might help me even in mypreaching.
You help me like okay, maybeyou want to say that a little
different, or just be aware thatwhen you say it this way,
here's what it can, here's whatpeople can think or the way they
can view it, and so you need toadd more context to it to help
(18:57):
give understand, and so that'sthat's the benefit and the value
of having feedback.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, yeah, it took me a minute to say that because
I was like I don't know if Ineed to be saying it because
you'd be like let me, let me pre, you do it when you preach.
I'll be like I'm just trying to, you know you know, you know I
can't fix everything.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
You know I'm gonna want to be me but, but if I can
improve, Exactly.
That's the value of it Havingsomebody to give that feedback
to bring improvement.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah, and positive feedback.
You know I try not to benegative, but it's something
that will help Right, will helpus, would help.
You know the people and youknow that's just all I'm trying
to do 100% and listen withempathy and all that good stuff,
Absolutely.
I'm learning that.
I have to learn how to listen alittle bit better too with my
(19:46):
communication, but that'sanother topic.
That's a big part ofcommunication.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
That's really the foundation of it.
Effective active listening is abig role role, so let's talk
about this right here.
So, if we look at at kind ofthe, the main undergirding point
of this is that effectivelistening is not just about
hearing words.
It's about fully understandingthe feelings behind them and
(20:13):
responding in a way that showslove, care and respect, right.
So the end day, that's reallywhat we're trying to get to.
We kind of get to a place of wedon't just say whatever, but,
as we say it, we also understandthe feelings that are provoked,
as well as the feelings thatare giving off and receive from
(20:33):
the sender and the receiverRight, because they both play a
role.
Off and receive from the senderand the receiver right because
they both play a role.
And the goal is can we maintain?
love and care and respect as wenavigate, whatever exchanges we
have in our communication likethat's.
That's really what this comesdown to.
I don't want you to ever feelrejected yeah when you
communicate with me.
(20:54):
I don't want you to ever feelunsafe, because that's why a lot
of couples don't talk.
We learned that early on we did.
There's certain things wewouldn't say to one another
because we didn't feel safeenough exactly.
I don't know what you're goingto do with this information
right when I give it to you.
I don't know how you're goingto respond yeah, when I say this
.
So I'm not gonna be vulnerableand open that side of me to you
(21:14):
yeah, and I did that a lot.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
I held a lot in.
I just didn't know um how, how,I just didn't know how to
number one, um talk about it,and then when I did, it came out
the wrong way and so it wasreceived wrong, you know, and so
and it's hard.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
I mean people don't realize.
Even in marriage you don't wantto seem weak right so, even in
marriage, couples try to presenttheir strong self instead of
being honest and, like couples,don't always like to say you
hurt me yeah your words hurt meyeah and a lot of times couples
can say a lot of hurtful thingsto one another and I think we
realized that early on too,because one thing that you can
(21:55):
never take back is your words.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Take the words back, you're gonna apologize.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
You can forgive, you can move on, but those words,
the impact, the sting that theyhave, still it still exists,
yeah, when they come out of yourmouth.
So you got to be careful whatyou let come out of your mouth.
Yeah, yeah, I think that's abig deal that's.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
That was.
That's good.
I'm glad we learned that early,because I don't think we've had
like a lot of damaging words no, no, we were careful, we had a
few little things.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Yeah, yeah, like when you told me you hate me, yeah,
that was a dagger and you hateme, you really hate me, oh, okay
.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
What you do.
I don't know, I don't rememberthat.
I remember that, but I can'teven.
You see, that was so long ago,I don't even remember.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I remember exactly how long ago it was.
It was 15 years ago.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yes, I just remember because it hit me in a place.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Oh, so sorry.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
I'm still healing.
You're still healing 15 yearsyou're healing.
Well, I'm still here.
I just.
You know you got the scar, butthat's how we learn we it was.
They didn't destroy us, but welearned from them.
All right, so look, let's keepgoing here.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You must have been cutting up if I said that.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I just hit a hot button and you didn't like it
and I wouldn't let off of it.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
That's communication right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
So that's why my communication was not good,
because I would retaliate withstuff like that, and that was
immature, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
It was.
It was a.
It was a.
You didn't like what I wassaying, so you hit me with the.
I hate you.
You was acting like taraji andbaby boy my god, I ain't you,
jody look so, so look, let'slook at this.
Why does it matter?
Um, I think communicationmatters, because poor
(23:55):
communication leads tomisunderstanding, frustration
and emotional distance.
We didn't talk about that, butwe was experiencing that at one
time.
If you don't listen with empathyand clarity, the relationship
will suffer.
Effective communication is thelifeblood of a thriving marriage
, which was something that wetalked about, and without it you
(24:17):
risk emotional burnout anddisconnection.
I think that biggest part is wesaw misunderstandings, we saw
frustration, but a lot ofcouples what really hits them is
when they hit emotionaldisconnection or emotional
distance.
People don't realize that ifyou don't value and have good
communication with one another,you will gradually grow apart.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Mm, hmm, and you start that cycle of just doing
life.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
You know, especially if you got kids.
You know you just go to work,you come home and it's just a
mundane thing.
It's like almost like yourroommates.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Because you don't realize that you guys are
growing apart.
You're not growing close.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Because what brings the closeness is healthy, loving
, caring communication.
That's right.
What creates distance isunhealthy, misunderstanding,
harsh communication, and ithappens gradually and it'll be
(25:18):
there, you won't even know it'shappening.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
It sneaks up on you.
It sneaks up on you.
You don't even realize it.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, a lot of couples are growing apart slowly
, although they're stillfunctioning and they're still
talking around certain things.
They think they're okay, butreally those disagreements are
killing, it's eroding thefoundation of their relationship
and they don't even know it.
They think it is not a moneything, it's not the children, is
(25:43):
not work, it's not stress, it's.
It's the lack of healthycommunication that fosters love
and support and acceptanceacceptance and that caring the
feelings that need to beconveyed between the two
individuals to strengthen thebond between them is not
(26:04):
happening Right.
And they think, oh, becausewe're going on with life, we're
OK, but you're really not andyou really don't find out that
you're in a bad place.
Until Mike at the water coolerat work I'll start complimenting
you and telling you how prettyyour eyes are and how you like
your hair and you start enjoyingtalking to mike.
(26:25):
Yeah, right, and mike is somerandom dude, he's not a real guy
.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I was gonna say why ain't that gotta be mike?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
well, well, look, I need to do like the people do
now.
Your work, husband yeah andyour work wife and they start,
you know, telling you how niceyou dress and how good you smell
for me, and you know, and allthat kind of stuff, and you
start enjoying that type ofcommunication yeah, because
you're not getting it at homeyou're not getting it at home,
(26:49):
you're not able to work throughthings at home.
They show care and attention.
Even you may be talking about awork project, yeah, but the way
they engage with you, you likeit, because at home it's always
a tussle, it's always anargument, it's always a problem
or it's nothing.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
It's just, we're just going through this routine of
let's, you know, just housestuff.
We're paying bills together,we're taking care of the kids,
we go to work, we come home, weeat, we sleep.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
You know, there's nothing in between, you know,
and so that sneaks up on youyeah, it sneaks up on you and
you, substituting what thecommunication you should have at
home.
Now you're having that level ofcommunication outside which, if
you're not careful it's goingto lead to.
It can lead to emotionalaffairs and then to a physical
(27:34):
affair.
You now you find yourself ininfidelity.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
So I think it's significant that we really let
people know what the main coreof their communication is.
We've talked through a lottoday and, as we get close to
wrapping this up, I think it'simperative that we make sure
they understand that what yousay is not really the biggest
(27:58):
part of your communication.
You know, we teach the couplesthat we counsel that the words,
the actual words that they speak, is only 7% of the
communication, of the message.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
And you know, everybody always put that at
like 75, 85.
You know they put it at thehighest, but when they find out
that it's like 7, they like oh.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
So they put it at the highest, but when they find out
that it's like seven, they likeoh, it's 7% of the feeling that
goes into, or what's felt whenthey speak.
It's only 7%.
Then 38% is your tone.
So the tone you use carriesmore weight in what the person
feels than your actual words.
And then, finally, yournon-verbals.
(28:45):
You're like we talked aboutyour, the eye contact, the, the
body movements and gestures.
all of that is, uh, 55 percentwow it's 55 percent of your
communication, the message thatyou're communicating, and so
what that tells us is thatcouples really need to be more
aware of their nonverbals.
Put your nonverbals in checkbefore you try to craft your
(29:11):
message and use all the rightwords.
Make sure your well-craftedapproach doesn't get muddied and
distorted by your lack ofattention to your non-verbals
yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
I had to learn that my non-verbals yeah, I like this
.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
The power of what you say and the feeling behind it
is in the non-verbalcommunication.
Um, often we think that thewords are the most important
part of the conversation, butyour tone, your facial
expression, body language, theyall convey so much more.
As a matter of fact, I lovewhat we have here.
(29:51):
You know, we've kind of talkedthrough this and look at our own
notes.
It really determines whether ornot you're building trust and
intimacy in your relationship oryou're breaking down the trust
and the intimacy in arelationship.
All that's hinged on thequality of communication, and
primarily the nonverbal.
(30:12):
That's kind of our teachingsystem.
We won't get to teach you that.
But if you need more, you justhave to sign up for marriage
counseling.
But that's that's really likethat's the thing for marriage
counseling.
But that's that's really likethat's the thing.
If you don't get that together,you can be destroying your
marriage all while thinkingyou're saying the right thing, I
agree.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
So how can it be applied?
Speaker 2 (30:33):
what steps can they do?
So I think let's give them somequick steps or just things to
be aware of that they can beginto give attention to.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Okay, so let's.
So.
Number one is listennon-verbally, maintain good eye
contact, which that was hard forme.
I don't know why I justcouldn't nod and lean in to show
your present and engage.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
That's another one.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
That's another one, cause you know I can go off to
somewhere else in space or Ijust be somewhere else like oh
yeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2 (31:07):
I'll be like I'm back .
I left, right.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Here I'm talking and so, um, and I don't think, I
think a lot of people kind ofstruggle with that, um, because
you know you're talking and thenyou really don't want to be
talking about what you'retalking about, you don't want to
hear it.
So so you kind of just zone out.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
But that's exactly what it conveys.
I'm not interested in whatyou're saying, right, right.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So you got all of that.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
And that doesn't build love and care and intimacy
.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
No, it doesn't.
That says what I'm saying isnot important to you.
So I had to learn hey, let'stry to make eye contact the best
way you can.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Try to nod and be like yeah, okay, I understand, I
had to tell you like, saysomething, I just made a point.
Say yeah, okay, say something.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I couldn't say nothing because it wasn't going
to come out right.
So I just had to be like hmmokay, so listen, actively
Respond.
Just had to be like hmm Okay,so listen, actively Respond with
simple verbal cues like I see,or tell me more.
Like you going in on me, Iain't going to say no, tell me
more.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Well, you know, those are examples.
I understand.
We just want people to saysomething to show that you're
engaged in the conversation.
It's like you're on the phonewith somebody and they get quiet
.
You say uh-huh, just to letthem know you still listen.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
So they keep talking, yeah that's to keep the
conversation flowing.
So you know, just got to letthem know.
That's that part where you'reletting them know that I hear
you yes, yeah so yes that'sright.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
All right summarize after listening.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
That's number three.
Summarize after listening.
Reflect back on what you heard.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I think that's good because people don't do that,
because what I said and what youheard, maybe two different
things and I'm just like no,that ain't it and I'm finding
that to be true so much more asI pay even more attention to my
communication.
Yeah, even as a, as pastors, asleaders, you know sometimes I
(33:03):
be, I preach on sunday.
I'm bringing ministry, this.
Now I preach and people come upto me after church and be like,
yeah, that mess really good, Igot this, this, this.
I know that I'll be thinkingmyself I didn't say that no,
that's not even what I wastrying to say so either.
I didn't preach it right or youdidn't hear right.
Right, and so it's sorting out.
(33:24):
And that's where, for me, Itake the responsibility of let
me go in work on how Icommunicate this message to
ensure that what I'm trying tosay is what gets heard.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying,because, if not, it can happen
all throughout life, indifferent arenas, that you think
you're saying one thing andthat's what people are hearing,
but they're hearing somethingtotally different because of
(33:46):
where they are in their life andthe lens or the filter.
Yeah, that they're hearing itthrough it's just different.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
That's why we're not the same.
That's why I think, summarizingand going back and saying, okay
, what did you hear?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
well, you know why people don't like to do that?
Because when we counsel coupleslike I ain't doing that.
I heard you like no, but youwant to make sure yeah when we
started doing it, it helped ourrelationship tremendously,
because there were many times wethought we hurt each other, but
we didn't I.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I realize a lot of people don't want to look stupid
yeah they just don't.
You know, they were like toeven ask questions.
You remember in high schoolnobody wanted to raise their
hand and ask questions, to actlike they didn't know certain
things in school.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
It's kind of like that, like and see, I was the
kid that everybody got mad atbecause I was asking questions.
I wanna, can you say that again?
Did you say this?
And they're like shut up, weready to go?
I'm like, no, you shut up myeducation.
What?
What can you?
Can you show me that again?
But see, here it is.
I'm trying to get understanding.
They didn't understand either.
(34:51):
Yeah, exactly you see what I'msaying, but they just wanted to
move on to something else.
And that's how kind of.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
That's how we do with our let's just move on, but you
don't even understand what'sgoing on, or you act like you
understand, or you interpret ityour way through your own filter
, and it's wrong.
Yes, so that's good, uh.
Number four is avoidinterruptions.
Let your partner speak fullybefore responding.
I am guilty, guilty, guilty.
(35:16):
I am so guilty you listening torespond?
yes, cause soon as you saysomething, I'm like oh, I got
something for that.
Hold on, don't say nothing else.
I need to interrupt you to saywhat I gotta say, and so I'm
very guilty of that not lettingyou get stuff out, because I
(35:37):
feel like it popped in my headand so I gotta say it, because
if I don't, you're gonna forgetand it's probably good to you.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
You're going to forget and it's probably good to
you and you want to make sureyou get out Now you need to hear
it is, but, but the reality isthat that's not active listening
.
No, that's what we had to learn.
Both of us had to learn.
Yeah, because I was the sameway.
Oh, let me go, no, no, no, oh,let me go get you together.
And so we listen to respondinstead of listening to
understand.
Yeah, we listen to speak insteadof listening to fully
(36:05):
understand the message that'sbeing related to us by our
spouse.
Yeah, and that's really that'snot good listening.
It's a that's considered poorlistening.
Yes, we don't great listener.
Now, if you interrupting yourpoor listening, if you're not
understanding or you're, uh,hearing the person with empathy
and gaining a full understanding, yeah, you're a poor listener,
(36:27):
and empathy involves takingyourself.
So we're talking just for nowto say I really have to put
myself in your seat.
Yeah, if I'm going to beempathetic, I have to try to
hear it how you would hear it,think about it, how you would
think about it right andunderstand how you would
understand it.
Think about it how you wouldthink about it right and
understand how you wouldunderstand it right, and then
come back to myself and speak toyou out of that understanding
(36:49):
right, not my understandingexactly right, because there's
some things that you may takeseriously and it's really
important.
And if I'm just me, my judgmentis that stupid, but it's not
stupid because it matters to meexactly.
And if I'm empathetic, I sayokay, I understand how you feel
about this yeah let's discuss itor let's do this or do that,
(37:10):
whatever case.
but empathy is something wedon't typically do.
We just feel like I feel howyou, I feel, you feel how you
feel and we just got to comesome kind of common ground or
agree to disagree.
Yeah, you're not gonna getanywhere.
You're gonna have're going tohave stalemates in your
relationship and that emotionaldistance is going to continue to
increase until one day you wakeup and be like I just don't
(37:32):
think this is working out, no,no, no it's not working out
because you all let thecommunication break down and you
didn't maintain healthycommunication that keeps the
intimacy, the closeness there,the bond in the, in the marriage
.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
That's really really don't get on that winning and
losing stuff I'm a win.
I'm going to tear you, shut youdown and if you shut up, I won.
I'm seeking to celebrate you,stupid you.
You may have won the argument,but you don't realize you are
destroying your relationship.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Yeah we had to learn that.
Well, I never was trying to win.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
I think you was trying to win.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah, you shut me down left and right.
I was winning, you was winningthe arguments, but you was
losing.
Yes, lord and I when I learned.
I said oh, let me lose.
So the bottom line in um in allof this is effective
communication in marriage is notjust about what you say, but
(38:29):
it's how you listen and respondnon-verbally.
Listening with empathy andattentiveness builds love and
connection absolutely listeny'all.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
We're gonna stop right there.
We can talk about this all dayand try to help y'all, but
hopefully we gave you somevaluable nuggets and things that
will really help you in yourcommunication, in your marriage,
as well as maybe some otherarenas.
But definitely strengthen thatrelationship, strengthen that
marriage.
Start working on yourcommunication today.
All right, I've got two booksout.
One is there.
You can look at the links onthe description of this video.
(39:00):
There's an e-book.
One is an actual physical bookthat you can order on amazon or
what have you, and both of themwill help you to grow in your
relationship and will expandfurther on some of the things
that we share with you today.
All right, so listen, we thanky'all for joining us.
We look forward to seeing youat the next one.
Right, see you next time.
See you next time on doing itwith the daniels.
Hey, thank you for joining usfor doing it with the Daniels.
(39:21):
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
I can go off to somewhere else in space, or I
just be somewhere else like ohyeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I'll be like I'm back , I left, Right here I'm talking
.
Welcome to Doing it With theDales, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, where we help couples
get it on in life, marriage andministry.
So happy to have you join ustoday for our podcast, doing it
With the Daniels.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
We back what's up, come on, we back, and I'm
excited.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Come on, it's always a good time.
Look, let's jump straight intoday.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
What we got.
What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
We're talking about.
I Don't Like how you Talk To Me.
Ooh that's going to be so good.
It is good.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
You just pulled that one out your back pocket, right
hey?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
to write stories.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Look how many times have you said that to me.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
A lot.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
How many times have I said that to you?
Oh, not that many, not thatmany.
I think I've got my ownvariation of what do I say?
You say I don't like how youtalk to me.
What do I say I don't know whatyou do.
Why are you talking to me likethat?
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, or this is what we're not going to do.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
I think you know, at the end of the day it's still
communication.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And we're checking each other to a certain extent
on how we're communicating and Ithink we've learned over the
course, over years, of ourmarriage.
This year we'll celebrate 20years, 20 years.
It's been a lot of learning anda lot of growing with our
communication.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, so I would be honest and say I really didn't
know how to communicate.
I was a terrible communicator,I would do.
I did a lot of non-verbals, youknow, I think in the beginning.
And so I had to really reallylearn how to communicate
effectively, because I didn'tknow, and sometimes I feel like
we do what we see our parents doand a lot is caught Right, and
(02:06):
so I think I caught a lot ofthings and plus, you know just
how they are, who I am and DNAand all that stuff you know
plays a role.
Yes, so I had to really learnhow to communicate.
Yeah because I didn't.
I really realized.
I didn't know how tocommunicate.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I think we learn how to communicate in general
together, but also learning howto communicate with one another.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Yeah, especially in marriage.
So when you get lock your lifewith somebody and do life with
them every day, I mean it's like, well, you say they're anointed
to get on your nerves.
So there's so many things thatare going to happen, where
you're going to have to learnhow to talk through issues, talk
through things that happen.
So that's when the learningpart comes from.
(02:48):
And so, since we had thoseissues, it taught me how to
communicate.
First it taught me that, hey,I'm a terrible communicator, and
then it taught me how to learnhow to communicate yes, I think
that's good what you said, thatwe, through those experiences,
we learned how to communicatewith another.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
So I mean, those experiences aren't bad if we
view them as growthopportunities, learning
opportunities.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah, I had to learn that it's not bad that we go
through those things, but I hadto grow from them, so I had to
learn what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say
and how to say it.
You know, sometimes I reallyrealize it's not what you say is
how to say it.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
you know, sometimes I really realize it's not what
you say it's how you say it ahundred percent of the time.
Yes, I agree, I totally agree.
Yeah, and I think we learnedsome valuable lessons from that.
So let's jump in and getstarted.
Okay, let's go all right.
So we're talking aboutcommunication.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Like, let's really get down to the nitty-gritty of
it when you know what factorsreally play into communication
um, I think a lot kind of likewhat we talked about earlier
nonverbals, so your words mayspeak, but your tone and body
speaks volumes.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah, that's real.
That's real, I think many timeswe think, as long as what I'm
saying is heard, that's all thatmatters, but not understanding
that all of the extra that goesalong with what we say, what is?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
extra, extra are like eye rolls.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Eye rolling, neck rolling, neck rolls, banging on
stuff.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Slamming cabinets.
Looking off yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
You know all of that.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Looking off, raising your voice.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yes.
Your tone of voice yeah, all ofthat plays a role.
Yes, your tone of choice yeah,all of that plays a role all of
that plays a major role in themessage and the feelings yeah,
that are actually communicated,yeah, when we share something
yeah, even folding your arms.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
I think you talked to me about that once yeah,
folding your arms representshostility like I didn't know
that if we told you fold down,like okay, now you hostile yeah,
I didn't even know that,because in my mind I'm'm like,
I'm just, I'm not, you know, butfor you that represents
hostility.
So I had to learn okay, okay,don't fold your arms.
I don't want him to think I'mmad, or something.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
It's like either I'm hostile or I'm fed up with you.
It's kind of what thatcommunicates.
All of that plays a role inanybody who's looking at
communication, even children.
They play a role.
It plays a role in what do yousay and how you say it.
They're looking at all that welearn from from childhood.
Yes, to watch all of that,because it tells us really
(05:16):
what's what's fully encompassingthat message that's coming out
of your mouth.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yeah, that's good.
I think I learned a lot fromchildhood, like I said earlier,
yeah watching my parents, justwatching other people, and you
just catch things and you juststart doing what they do, not
knowing that that's not theright way to respond to like an
argument or a disagreement well,the reality is that most of us
never really develop the skillof communication, and it's a
(05:44):
skill that can be developed.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
We just think, as long as I can talk and use words
that we are familiar with, yeah, then I'm communicating.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, but that's not really fully developed
communication in a mature stateyeah, I was very immature in my
communication because I wouldhold things yeah and so I would
hold it hold it until hold ituntil until the volcano erupted.
And when it erupt, it was notgood and it just come out like
(06:14):
it just, it would come out justreally bad.
Yeah, it would come out with alot of hostility, a lot of
yelling, a lot of um, justattitude and just attitude yeah
all it what attitude.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I mean I told you that's what my deal breakers
when we were dating.
I was like I ain't datingnobody with a bunch of attitudes
yeah, you got, and that's whythat's why I realized you was
really sweet.
But after you get married, okay, how sweet a person these, the
real them comes out.
You don't get on their nervesand you're gonna see a side of
them that you may not see beforethe I do.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
It's so crazy how people can mask that until they
say I do, and you be like whereall this come from.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
It's because you don't want to lose them.
Is that what it is?
You can break up with me beforewe get married, but after we
get married it ain't as easy toleave, right?
So now, now you think you canjust show out.
Uh-huh, yeah, some people do dothat.
Is that what I did?
No, I don't think it's what youdid.
I think it was just theevolution of, of learning to
communicate in difficultsituations because in marriage
(07:13):
you're going to have difficultconversations, yeah, difficult
experiences where you really gotto work on your communication
and learn how to navigate thosethings and really navigating
those difficult times.
A lot of that weighs on howwell the couple can communicate
with one another yeah, that'sright.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
It's even in the beginning stages where that two
becomes one part yes, that is.
That's the rough place, becauseyou're trying to get to know
each other.
You're living together now andall of this is new, so you gotta
learn.
If they're a morning person,you know, because I pop up in
the morning and I'm like goodmorning, it's gonna be a good,
beautiful day, what we gonna dotoday, and we gotta do this and
(07:50):
this, and you'd be like be quietso it's just all of that.
It's like you're learning, butthen you got to also learn them
at the same time, and how theycommunicate, and all of that and
you got to figure out what thehot buttons are.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Yeah, because we all have hot buttons.
We all have sensitive areaswhere there's certain things I
know.
If I talk about those areas itmight be a problem, but you
learn that over the course oftime, and even here's a big deal
, even having to ask Holy Spiritto teach me how to communicate
with my wife how to say certainthings to you, because I didn't
(08:29):
want it to become an argument ordisagree.
And we really don't argue,really never have argued, we
just disagree.
Yeah Right, we had our strongdisagreements, but it was never
any of that, just constant backand forth stuff.
But even asking Holy Spiritlike, show me how to talk to her
about this.
Uh, and then there were timesholy spirit was would tell me
don't say anything about certainthings, um, because it just
(08:52):
wasn't the time, yeah, and so Idon't want people to think that
it's avoidance.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
It's not avoidance, it's just you got to have wisdom
and when to say certain things,even to your spouse yeah,
because sometimes I feel like hehad you said something in that,
in that moment you would havemade it worse.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah and there were times I did.
Yeah, there were times HolySpirit was like, be quiet, don't
say.
I was like, nah, she got tohear this, she need to hear this
.
And I said it.
Oh, and it made it worse.
Yeah, I realized why.
He told me yeah don't say that.
And I should have listened, youknow, because in the times that
I did listen, things wentbetter, much better.
But it's a part of learning,it's a part of me getting out of
(09:29):
the way and not feeling like,no, we need to communicate.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
I need to say what I need to say yeah, because
everything that doesn't need tobe said when we want to say yeah
, exactly, and I've learned tocalm down and think and go pray
and versus just, you know,running and saying whatever I
need to say.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
It's just because it comes out better when you do
that, because sometimes you justbe in the moment and then
sometimes, when you calm down,you realize it really ain't that
big of a deal.
It's just, you know, littlestuff, and I think it's the
little foxes that we don't payattention to.
Like the Bible says, it's thelittle things that we can kind
of go running with and blow upon yeah and you make.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
You make something bigger than it didn't needs to
be so I think that reminds me ofa conversation we had a few
days ago where you wasexplaining how you felt about
something and I was like, okay,yeah, I got, I hear what you're
saying and almost kind ofblowing it off, but just like I
get it, I already know how youfeel about this.
Okay, whatever, let's just moveon, or whatever.
(10:30):
And you asked me.
You was like well, what, whatis it?
What do you hear me say?
I say, well, you're saying this, this and this, and he was like
all right, that day you reallyjust let it go, like you didn't
even try to yeah discuss itfurther and in my mind I'm like,
well, that must be it.
She just don't want to talkabout it.
Maybe she's not ready to admitthat that's what it is.
But about a day and a halflater you came back.
(10:52):
You said now what?
And you did it in a such a niceway and it just shows the
progress of our relationshipover the years.
He was like now what did youthink I was trying to say?
Like you didn't come inaccusing me, that's really like
I used to.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Yeah, well, a lot of people do.
They come.
You said you and it's like no,yeah, your approach was tell me
again what you think I wassaying.
And I said, well, I thought yousaid this, this and this, and
you said, no, that's not what Iwas trying to say, right, and I
say it.
Okay, tell me, explain to mewhat you were trying to say,
(11:30):
because I that's theunderstanding I have.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
And you begin to break it down and give me
understanding on what you weresaying and why you were saying
it, and when you finish, I waslike OK, I was wrong.
Whatever, I assume whatever Ithought you were trying to
communicate was totally wrong.
But the good thing about isthat number one, instead of you
getting angry the first daybecause that's where most
disagreements come inmisunderstanding.
(11:54):
Right, I wasn't understandingyou.
Clearly, you didn't try to yellit into me, which is what most
people do.
When they feel like they're notheard, they try to yell it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Yelling doesn't bring understanding well, I, I knew
that had I tried to change orchange your mind in that moment,
you already had your mind madeup that you knew what I was
saying.
And I was like he think he know, or he think he got it figured
out, but that's just not it.
And I had to go evaluate myheart on this, on the subject
too.
I was like that ain't what Iknow, that's not it.
(12:26):
And so, after I talked to God,I evaluate my heart, I did some
internal things, you know, youknow, just really looking at you
, know myself, and I was likeand then I went to God and I'm
like God, that's not, no, that'snot it.
And so I had to sit with it fora minute and then I was like,
okay, let me talk to him aboutit.
So what did you?
What did you think I meant orwhat did you think I was talking
(12:46):
about?
So that's how I've kind ofapproached it this time yeah
because you can be so like yeah,I know, you know.
So I was like I'm like I'm notfinna finna go here.
We not finna go go there.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
So I was like, okay, I'm gonna let him know for a
couple days and then we'll comeback and revisit it and I felt
like I knew because it wasn'tthe first time that topic had
come up exactly like okay, yeah,okay we're back to this again.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
But that's why I had to do some re-evaluate.
I had to really like search inmy heart and figure out like hey
, do I feel like this is this ishe right, is this true?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
and I was like, no, that ain't it so and I broke one
of the rules of communication,which is suspend your judgment
that's good and because I didnot suspend my own judgment, I
don't.
Whatever you said had to gothrough the filter of what I
already believe and it's calledin communication.
If you study communication,it's called interference.
So you're sending a message,but my own judgment about it and
(13:49):
assumptions createsinterference and distorts the
message.
Right so that I hear what Iwant to hear the message right
so that I hear what I want tohear.
Your what you're saying getsskewed in my mind so that I
understand it the way I alreadythink I should understand,
instead of understanding the wayyou're communicating right.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So it could it be because it's come up before you
know you just absolutely, okay,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I think it's when you visit, you visit a thing a few
times it's like okay, yeah, Iknow this is, but you have to
give leeway for your partner,your spouse, to change, yeah, to
evaluate their own heart, theirown thought process, their own
beliefs and adjust right,because I wasn't in that place
that I was years ago.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
I had changed and actually grown you know from
that, and so I guess youprobably thought, yeah, here we
go again.
I already know how this isgoing to end.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
And so that wasn't right, that wasn't true.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah, and that's what helped.
That's what these tools andstrategies with communication
have helped us to overcome, sothat we don't live in their
place.
And, like we said, thishappened a few days ago ago.
So, although we still makethese mistakes, we're able to go
back and revisit andre-implement the tools and then
get over that hump and come tothat place of resolve and
understanding, which is what thegoal is about.
(15:05):
Yeah, people have to understand.
This is not about being perfectno, when what we always say
right there's no perfectmarriage and you're not going to
be perfect in yourcommunication or anything you do
, but as you learn better, youdo better exactly, and you work
at being better, right, andthat's how you navigate and
approach, you know,communicating with your spouse
and not only that, likecommunication with your spouse,
(15:27):
but it helps you be a bettercommunicator on your job at
church.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You know, I've learned that I'm a better
communicator like not only here,but in other settings.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
It's helped me.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
And so I don't hold stuff so much.
Now I'm going to come to youand I'm going to say, hey, can I
talk to you about the XYZ?
And sometimes I have to bepatient with you because I
realize he don't want to hearwhat I got to say, but I got to
tell him anyway, and that's apart of it, and that's what I
got to say, but I got to tellhim anyway.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Yeah, and that's a part of it, and that's where we
have to pray, yeah, and knowyour spouse.
Yeah, because I had to learnwhere you're sensitive.
You know you got to learn whereI'm sensitive or where I just
don't like certain topics.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, you know and how that's you right there.
You don't like certain topics.
You'll be like worry aboutyourself.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
yeah and then you try to force.
No man, that's where we get tothat.
Look, I don't like how youtalking to me.
Yeah, you know, you need, youneed.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
I think we said that a lot like well, I say you need
to rephrase how you said thatexactly, and sometimes I do, I
get it, I I do, but I think yourealize you don't like what I'm
saying, but you realize I'mright what you're saying is
right.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I just don't like the way you say it, like something
you say I don't like.
When you come back, you need tolike tell me what I need, you
need, you need to.
You need to watch how you dothis.
Oh girl, what you mean I needto watch how I need.
If you want to suggest or youwant to advise that I do, then
(16:59):
do that.
But you come with, you need to.
I'm like wait a minute, I fixedit.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
You did fix it after I brought to your attention a
few times, like what you mean Ineed, you need to mind your own
come tell you what I need to dobut I fixed it, I'm working on
it, yeah but it's a part of it,because I think we was talking
the other day and I was saying Ithink I did say that you need
to da, da, da, da, da and um,and then in that moment I was
(17:26):
like, well, let me say it likethis yeah and then I and I fixed
it.
You was like well, I reallyappreciate that.
And I said well, I said I'msorry, I didn't mean to say it
like that, I meant to say itlike this.
And so it's like that awarenesspiece, you know, didn't mean
any harm, I wasn't hostile whenI said it or anything, it just
(17:47):
was like yeah, you y'all need tosuch and such such.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You just kind of jumped out there with it, kind
of how you thought about it,yeah, but I like what you just
said awareness.
There's a because we're able topoint out those things, what we
don't like about each other'scommunication.
It can bring a heightened levelof awareness, yeah, to us so we
can make the adjustment.
And that's the key couples haveto be willing to listen to each
(18:11):
other, yeah, so they can makethe adjustments in their
communication because it makesyou better at the end of the day
.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
You know, not perfect in my communication.
I'm getting better you know,just by listening to what you
say and you know feedback, youknow telling me, you know you
might not want to say it likethis, you might want to say it
like that.
You know, and that helps, thathelps me.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah, we're both getting better.
I mean even, and that helps,that helps me.
Yeah, we're both getting better.
I mean even.
It goes beyond just ourrelationship.
But because you know we'rehelpers one to another, you
might help me even in mypreaching.
You help me like okay, maybeyou want to say that a little
different, or just be aware thatwhen you say it this way,
here's what it can, here's whatpeople can think or the way they
can view it, and so you need toadd more context to it to help
(18:57):
give understand, and so that'sthat's the benefit and the value
of having feedback.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Yeah, yeah, it took me a minute to say that because
I was like I don't know if Ineed to be saying it because
you'd be like let me, let me pre, you do it when you preach.
I'll be like I'm just trying to, you know you know, you know I
can't fix everything.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
You know I'm gonna want to be me but, but if I can
improve, Exactly.
That's the value of it Havingsomebody to give that feedback
to bring improvement.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah, and positive feedback.
You know I try not to benegative, but it's something
that will help Right, will helpus, would help.
You know the people and youknow that's just all I'm trying
to do 100% and listen withempathy and all that good stuff,
Absolutely.
I'm learning that.
I have to learn how to listen alittle bit better too with my
(19:46):
communication, but that'sanother topic.
That's a big part ofcommunication.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
That's really the foundation of it.
Effective active listening is abig role role, so let's talk
about this right here.
So, if we look at at kind ofthe, the main undergirding point
of this is that effectivelistening is not just about
hearing words.
It's about fully understandingthe feelings behind them and
(20:13):
responding in a way that showslove, care and respect, right.
So the end day, that's reallywhat we're trying to get to.
We kind of get to a place of wedon't just say whatever, but,
as we say it, we also understandthe feelings that are provoked,
as well as the feelings thatare giving off and receive from
(20:33):
the sender and the receiverRight, because they both play a
role.
Off and receive from the senderand the receiver right because
they both play a role.
And the goal is can we maintain?
love and care and respect as wenavigate, whatever exchanges we
have in our communication likethat's.
That's really what this comesdown to.
I don't want you to ever feelrejected yeah when you
communicate with me.
(20:54):
I don't want you to ever feelunsafe, because that's why a lot
of couples don't talk.
We learned that early on we did.
There's certain things wewouldn't say to one another
because we didn't feel safeenough exactly.
I don't know what you're goingto do with this information
right when I give it to you.
I don't know how you're goingto respond yeah, when I say this
.
So I'm not gonna be vulnerableand open that side of me to you
(21:14):
yeah, and I did that a lot.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
I held a lot in.
I just didn't know um how, how,I just didn't know how to
number one, um talk about it,and then when I did, it came out
the wrong way and so it wasreceived wrong, you know, and so
and it's hard.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
I mean people don't realize.
Even in marriage you don't wantto seem weak right so, even in
marriage, couples try to presenttheir strong self instead of
being honest and, like couples,don't always like to say you
hurt me yeah your words hurt meyeah and a lot of times couples
can say a lot of hurtful thingsto one another and I think we
realized that early on too,because one thing that you can
(21:55):
never take back is your words.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Take the words back, you're gonna apologize.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
You can forgive, you can move on, but those words,
the impact, the sting that theyhave, still it still exists,
yeah, when they come out of yourmouth.
So you got to be careful whatyou let come out of your mouth.
Yeah, yeah, I think that's abig deal that's.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
That was.
That's good.
I'm glad we learned that early,because I don't think we've had
like a lot of damaging words no, no, we were careful, we had a
few little things.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Yeah, yeah, like when you told me you hate me, yeah,
that was a dagger and you hateme, you really hate me, oh, okay
.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
What you do.
I don't know, I don't rememberthat.
I remember that, but I can'teven.
You see, that was so long ago,I don't even remember.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I remember exactly how long ago it was.
It was 15 years ago.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yes, I just remember because it hit me in a place.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Oh, so sorry.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
I'm still healing.
You're still healing 15 yearsyou're healing.
Well, I'm still here.
I just.
You know you got the scar, butthat's how we learn we it was.
They didn't destroy us, but welearned from them.
All right, so look, let's keepgoing here.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
You must have been cutting up if I said that.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I just hit a hot button and you didn't like it
and I wouldn't let off of it.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
That's communication right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
So that's why my communication was not good,
because I would retaliate withstuff like that, and that was
immature, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
It was.
It was a.
It was a.
You didn't like what I wassaying, so you hit me with the.
I hate you.
You was acting like taraji andbaby boy my god, I ain't you,
jody look so, so look, let'slook at this.
Why does it matter?
Um, I think communicationmatters, because poor
(23:55):
communication leads tomisunderstanding, frustration
and emotional distance.
We didn't talk about that, butwe was experiencing that at one
time.
If you don't listen with empathyand clarity, the relationship
will suffer.
Effective communication is thelifeblood of a thriving marriage
, which was something that wetalked about, and without it you
(24:17):
risk emotional burnout anddisconnection.
I think that biggest part is wesaw misunderstandings, we saw
frustration, but a lot ofcouples what really hits them is
when they hit emotionaldisconnection or emotional
distance.
People don't realize that ifyou don't value and have good
communication with one another,you will gradually grow apart.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Mm, hmm, and you start that cycle of just doing
life.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
You know, especially if you got kids.
You know you just go to work,you come home and it's just a
mundane thing.
It's like almost like yourroommates.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Because you don't realize that you guys are
growing apart.
You're not growing close.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Because what brings the closeness is healthy, loving
, caring communication.
That's right.
What creates distance isunhealthy, misunderstanding,
harsh communication, and ithappens gradually and it'll be
(25:18):
there, you won't even know it'shappening.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
It sneaks up on you.
It sneaks up on you.
You don't even realize it.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, a lot of couples are growing apart slowly
, although they're stillfunctioning and they're still
talking around certain things.
They think they're okay, butreally those disagreements are
killing, it's eroding thefoundation of their relationship
and they don't even know it.
They think it is not a moneything, it's not the children, is
(25:43):
not work, it's not stress, it's.
It's the lack of healthycommunication that fosters love
and support and acceptanceacceptance and that caring the
feelings that need to beconveyed between the two
individuals to strengthen thebond between them is not
(26:04):
happening Right.
And they think, oh, becausewe're going on with life, we're
OK, but you're really not andyou really don't find out that
you're in a bad place.
Until Mike at the water coolerat work I'll start complimenting
you and telling you how prettyyour eyes are and how you like
your hair and you start enjoyingtalking to mike.
(26:25):
Yeah, right, and mike is somerandom dude, he's not a real guy
.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I was gonna say why ain't that gotta be mike?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
well, well, look, I need to do like the people do
now.
Your work, husband yeah andyour work wife and they start,
you know, telling you how niceyou dress and how good you smell
for me, and you know, and allthat kind of stuff, and you
start enjoying that type ofcommunication yeah, because
you're not getting it at homeyou're not getting it at home,
(26:49):
you're not able to work throughthings at home.
They show care and attention.
Even you may be talking about awork project, yeah, but the way
they engage with you, you likeit, because at home it's always
a tussle, it's always anargument, it's always a problem
or it's nothing.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
It's just, we're just going through this routine of
let's, you know, just housestuff.
We're paying bills together,we're taking care of the kids,
we go to work, we come home, weeat, we sleep.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
You know, there's nothing in between, you know,
and so that sneaks up on youyeah, it sneaks up on you and
you, substituting what thecommunication you should have at
home.
Now you're having that level ofcommunication outside which, if
you're not careful it's goingto lead to.
It can lead to emotionalaffairs and then to a physical
(27:34):
affair.
You now you find yourself ininfidelity.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
So I think it's significant that we really let
people know what the main coreof their communication is.
We've talked through a lottoday and, as we get close to
wrapping this up, I think it'simperative that we make sure
they understand that what yousay is not really the biggest
(27:58):
part of your communication.
You know, we teach the couplesthat we counsel that the words,
the actual words that they speak, is only 7% of the
communication, of the message.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
And you know, everybody always put that at
like 75, 85.
You know they put it at thehighest, but when they find out
that it's like 7, they like oh.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
So they put it at the highest, but when they find out
that it's like seven, they likeoh, it's 7% of the feeling that
goes into, or what's felt whenthey speak.
It's only 7%.
Then 38% is your tone.
So the tone you use carriesmore weight in what the person
feels than your actual words.
And then, finally, yournon-verbals.
(28:45):
You're like we talked aboutyour, the eye contact, the, the
body movements and gestures.
all of that is, uh, 55 percentwow it's 55 percent of your
communication, the message thatyou're communicating, and so
what that tells us is thatcouples really need to be more
aware of their nonverbals.
Put your nonverbals in checkbefore you try to craft your
(29:11):
message and use all the rightwords.
Make sure your well-craftedapproach doesn't get muddied and
distorted by your lack ofattention to your non-verbals
yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
I had to learn that my non-verbals yeah, I like this
.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
The power of what you say and the feeling behind it
is in the non-verbalcommunication.
Um, often we think that thewords are the most important
part of the conversation, butyour tone, your facial
expression, body language, theyall convey so much more.
As a matter of fact, I lovewhat we have here.
(29:51):
You know, we've kind of talkedthrough this and look at our own
notes.
It really determines whether ornot you're building trust and
intimacy in your relationship oryou're breaking down the trust
and the intimacy in arelationship.
All that's hinged on thequality of communication, and
primarily the nonverbal.
(30:12):
That's kind of our teachingsystem.
We won't get to teach you that.
But if you need more, you justhave to sign up for marriage
counseling.
But that's that's really likethat's the thing for marriage
counseling.
But that's that's really likethat's the thing.
If you don't get that together,you can be destroying your
marriage all while thinkingyou're saying the right thing, I
agree.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
So how can it be applied?
Speaker 2 (30:33):
what steps can they do?
So I think let's give them somequick steps or just things to
be aware of that they can beginto give attention to.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Okay, so let's.
So.
Number one is listennon-verbally, maintain good eye
contact, which that was hard forme.
I don't know why I justcouldn't nod and lean in to show
your present and engage.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
That's another one.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
That's another one, cause you know I can go off to
somewhere else in space or Ijust be somewhere else like oh
yeah, what was you saying?
Speaker 2 (31:07):
I'll be like I'm back .
I left, right.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Here I'm talking and so, um, and I don't think, I
think a lot of people kind ofstruggle with that, um, because
you know you're talking and thenyou really don't want to be
talking about what you'retalking about, you don't want to
hear it.
So so you kind of just zone out.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
But that's exactly what it conveys.
I'm not interested in whatyou're saying, right, right.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So you got all of that.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
And that doesn't build love and care and intimacy
.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
No, it doesn't.
That says what I'm saying isnot important to you.
So I had to learn hey, let'stry to make eye contact the best
way you can.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Try to nod and be like yeah, okay, I understand, I
had to tell you like, saysomething, I just made a point.
Say yeah, okay, say something.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I couldn't say nothing because it wasn't going
to come out right.
So I just had to be like hmmokay, so listen, actively
Respond.
Just had to be like hmm Okay,so listen, actively Respond with
simple verbal cues like I see,or tell me more.
Like you going in on me, Iain't going to say no, tell me
more.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Well, you know, those are examples.
I understand.
We just want people to saysomething to show that you're
engaged in the conversation.
It's like you're on the phonewith somebody and they get quiet
.
You say uh-huh, just to letthem know you still listen.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
So they keep talking, yeah that's to keep the
conversation flowing.
So you know, just got to letthem know.
That's that part where you'reletting them know that I hear
you yes, yeah so yes that'sright.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
All right summarize after listening.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
That's number three.
Summarize after listening.
Reflect back on what you heard.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I think that's good because people don't do that,
because what I said and what youheard, maybe two different
things and I'm just like no,that ain't it and I'm finding
that to be true so much more asI pay even more attention to my
communication.
Yeah, even as a, as pastors, asleaders, you know sometimes I
(33:03):
be, I preach on sunday.
I'm bringing ministry, this.
Now I preach and people come upto me after church and be like,
yeah, that mess really good, Igot this, this, this.
I know that I'll be thinkingmyself I didn't say that no,
that's not even what I wastrying to say so either.
I didn't preach it right or youdidn't hear right.
Right, and so it's sorting out.
(33:24):
And that's where, for me, Itake the responsibility of let
me go in work on how Icommunicate this message to
ensure that what I'm trying tosay is what gets heard.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying,because, if not, it can happen
all throughout life, indifferent arenas, that you think
you're saying one thing andthat's what people are hearing,
but they're hearing somethingtotally different because of
(33:46):
where they are in their life andthe lens or the filter.
Yeah, that they're hearing itthrough it's just different.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
That's why we're not the same.
That's why I think, summarizingand going back and saying, okay
, what did you hear?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
well, you know why people don't like to do that?
Because when we counsel coupleslike I ain't doing that.
I heard you like no, but youwant to make sure yeah when we
started doing it, it helped ourrelationship tremendously,
because there were many times wethought we hurt each other, but
we didn't I.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I realize a lot of people don't want to look stupid
yeah they just don't.
You know, they were like toeven ask questions.
You remember in high schoolnobody wanted to raise their
hand and ask questions, to actlike they didn't know certain
things in school.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
It's kind of like that, like and see, I was the
kid that everybody got mad atbecause I was asking questions.
I wanna, can you say that again?
Did you say this?
And they're like shut up, weready to go?
I'm like, no, you shut up myeducation.
What?
What can you?
Can you show me that again?
But see, here it is.
I'm trying to get understanding.
They didn't understand either.
(34:51):
Yeah, exactly you see what I'msaying, but they just wanted to
move on to something else.
And that's how kind of.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
That's how we do with our let's just move on, but you
don't even understand what'sgoing on, or you act like you
understand, or you interpret ityour way through your own filter
, and it's wrong.
Yes, so that's good, uh.
Number four is avoidinterruptions.
Let your partner speak fullybefore responding.
I am guilty, guilty, guilty.
(35:16):
I am so guilty you listening torespond?
yes, cause soon as you saysomething, I'm like oh, I got
something for that.
Hold on, don't say nothing else.
I need to interrupt you to saywhat I gotta say, and so I'm
very guilty of that not lettingyou get stuff out, because I
(35:37):
feel like it popped in my headand so I gotta say it, because
if I don't, you're gonna forgetand it's probably good to you.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
You're going to forget and it's probably good to
you and you want to make sureyou get out Now you need to hear
it is, but, but the reality isthat that's not active listening
.
No, that's what we had to learn.
Both of us had to learn.
Yeah, because I was the sameway.
Oh, let me go, no, no, no, oh,let me go get you together.
And so we listen to respondinstead of listening to
understand.
Yeah, we listen to speak insteadof listening to fully
(36:05):
understand the message that'sbeing related to us by our
spouse.
Yeah, and that's really that'snot good listening.
It's a that's considered poorlistening.
Yes, we don't great listener.
Now, if you interrupting yourpoor listening, if you're not
understanding or you're, uh,hearing the person with empathy
and gaining a full understanding, yeah, you're a poor listener,
(36:27):
and empathy involves takingyourself.
So we're talking just for nowto say I really have to put
myself in your seat.
Yeah, if I'm going to beempathetic, I have to try to
hear it how you would hear it,think about it, how you would
think about it right andunderstand how you would
understand it.
Think about it how you wouldthink about it right and
understand how you wouldunderstand it right, and then
come back to myself and speak toyou out of that understanding
(36:49):
right, not my understandingexactly right, because there's
some things that you may takeseriously and it's really
important.
And if I'm just me, my judgmentis that stupid, but it's not
stupid because it matters to meexactly.
And if I'm empathetic, I sayokay, I understand how you feel
about this yeah let's discuss itor let's do this or do that,
(37:10):
whatever case.
but empathy is something wedon't typically do.
We just feel like I feel howyou, I feel, you feel how you
feel and we just got to comesome kind of common ground or
agree to disagree.
Yeah, you're not gonna getanywhere.
You're gonna have're going tohave stalemates in your
relationship and that emotionaldistance is going to continue to
increase until one day you wakeup and be like I just don't
(37:32):
think this is working out, no,no, no it's not working out
because you all let thecommunication break down and you
didn't maintain healthycommunication that keeps the
intimacy, the closeness there,the bond in the, in the marriage
.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
That's really really don't get on that winning and
losing stuff I'm a win.
I'm going to tear you, shut youdown and if you shut up, I won.
I'm seeking to celebrate you,stupid you.
You may have won the argument,but you don't realize you are
destroying your relationship.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Yeah we had to learn that.
Well, I never was trying to win.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
I think you was trying to win.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Yeah, you shut me down left and right.
I was winning, you was winningthe arguments, but you was
losing.
Yes, lord and I when I learned.
I said oh, let me lose.
So the bottom line in um in allof this is effective
communication in marriage is notjust about what you say, but
(38:29):
it's how you listen and respondnon-verbally.
Listening with empathy andattentiveness builds love and
connection absolutely listeny'all.
Speaker 2 (38:38):
We're gonna stop right there.
We can talk about this all dayand try to help y'all, but
hopefully we gave you somevaluable nuggets and things that
will really help you in yourcommunication, in your marriage,
as well as maybe some otherarenas.
But definitely strengthen thatrelationship, strengthen that
marriage.
Start working on yourcommunication today.
All right, I've got two booksout.
One is there.
You can look at the links onthe description of this video.
(39:00):
There's an e-book.
One is an actual physical bookthat you can order on amazon or
what have you, and both of themwill help you to grow in your
relationship and will expandfurther on some of the things
that we share with you today.
All right, so listen, we thanky'all for joining us.
We look forward to seeing youat the next one.
Right, see you next time.
See you next time on doing itwith the daniels.
Hey, thank you for joining usfor doing it with the Daniels.
(39:21):
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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