August 29, 2024 • 23 mins
Ever wonder why some marriages withstand the test of time while others crumble under pressure? Today, we're pulling back the curtain on the crucial practice of maintaining privacy in marriage. Drawing from our nearly two decades of experience, we promise to reveal the hidden dangers of oversharing marital issues with friends and family. Get ready to understand why turning to professional counselors instead of well-meaning but unqualified loved ones can be a game-changer for your relationship. Our personal stories will illustrate how our commitment to keeping marital matters private has fortified our bond and helped us navigate challenges as a united front.
Join us as we unpack the importance of presenting your spouse in a positive light publicly, despite any internal conflicts you may be experiencing. We'll discuss the negative impact of airing grievances outside the marriage and the long-lasting discomfort it can create during family gatherings. From emphasizing the value of resolving disputes privately to the nuanced dynamics of managing adult children, this episode is packed with practical insights to help you build and maintain a sturdy, harmonious marriage. Tune in, and discover the strategies that can empower your relationship and elevate your life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
think it's vital that the couples understand that,
that, yes, there are people,whether it's a therapist, a
marriage counselor, someone likethat yes, you go in and you
have to share, you have todivulge that information in
order to get the help that youneed.
But just sharing it with yourmama now, no, that's that's.
That's not what you want to do.
Your auntie now that's beenmarried five times and can't
(00:20):
keep a man no, you don't need tobe talking to her about
marriage advice.
Your uncle, who think he playedother years since 93?
No, stop talking to them.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, we're back for anotherepisode of doing it with the
Daniels, where we help couplesget it on in life, marriage and
ministry.
We're so glad to have you joinus again today, baby.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
Come on, we better jump in hereand get it going.
What are we talking about?
It's happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
Come on, we better jump in hereand get it going what we're
talking about.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
It's gonna be a good one.
Today.
We're talking about keepingpeople out of your marriage oh,
keep them folks out yourmarriage.
So when you say them folks whowe talking about?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
oh, we talking about everybody everybody everybody,
everybody everybody, I mean mama, daddy, sister, brother,
everybody keep co-workers.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Yes, yes everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Grandmama, granddaddy , yes anybody you can think of,
keep them out.
I think that is for us in ourmarriage, almost 20 years now,
that has been the number onerule as a matter of fact I
thought about this um, ourfamily doesn't really, they
don't really know much about ourmarriage and our journey over
(01:57):
these last few years.
They just know that we've beengood yeah, right this is the
first time they're hearing ofthe challenge.
Now, obviously they're notidiots, so they know that we
have had to navigate thingsright but they haven't gotten it
firsthand from us.
We've never shared and divulgedinformation about our
relationship.
We've held things pretty close.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yeah, well, that's one thing I think that we did.
We never like, I never got madat you and call my mom to vent.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
You know, or my dad or anything like that, or cousin
or anything like I never.
Or my best friend, like I nevercalled anybody to tell like
what I was frustrated with youabout.
I always took that to God.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah, and it's not good, I think, for me.
I can't.
I don't have that testimonybecause I did share one time,
you know, and I learned whythat's our number one rule, um,
and it didn't.
It didn't blow real badexternally, yeah, but internally
you were really hot at me, yeah, and uh, I think it was just in
(03:03):
the moment, conversate in usconversing and just talking
about, yeah, you know this, this, that and the other, and just
sharing that.
And when you found out about it, you was just upset about it
and, to be honest with you,looking back now I realized that
person couldn't help me anyway,right, like you had nothing to
(03:27):
offer me, but just, you justwant to hear my business, you
just want to hear what's goingon in my marriage and really,
you want to hear somethingthat's not good.
Yeah, some you something youthink is juicy because nobody,
because on the outside,everybody's like, oh, they look
like they great, perfect.
So I got some insideinformation that this is and
really what I was sharing.
Yeah, it wasn't me.
Yeah, it wasn't anything?
No, you know, but even that wastoo much.
(03:48):
Yeah, it was.
Although it wasn't big to us,that person may have thought oh
yeah, they got this going on.
And some people just love tofind the faults, and especially
when they're not happy in therelationship they're in.
And so you got to be watchfulof people you know for the
viewers.
You got to be watchful ofpeople who are always looking
(04:09):
for the, the details of the,what they call the tea, the tea
people always looking for thetea in your relationship.
When people come looking forthe tea, tell them there are no
teas, teas in alphabet.
Get you an alphabet, do that,but I don't have any t's for you
, no t for you.
Right, this is yourrelationship, is yours, and so
that's why our number one rulehas been keep others out, keep
(04:31):
people out of your relationship,and that includes everybody.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Now, we got one situation worked for us.
I think that we had to gothrough that to get to where we
are now, because had that nothappened, I don't know if we
would have done that so quicklyyeah, or really been so rigid
about it you know some thingsyou be you're flexible about,
but a lot of things, some thingsI think you need to be rigid
yeahand like stern with and and, and
(04:58):
say this is what it is andwe're not going to violate this
rule in our marriage and it'sit's helped, or each other
beneficial, you know because andI think the the big thing is,
when you go around tellingthings that go on in your
marriage to people that reallycan't help you anyway,
especially family and when youguys make up and you go around
(05:22):
that family, the family is gonnado what.
They're gonna look at themupside their head like, okay, I
can't believe she with him, Ican't believe he did that, I
can't believe he said that.
You know all of that, you gotall of that going on and y'all
are fine now, but the family,they don't forget what you
shared with them.
And then they'll even look atyou like she's still with.
(05:43):
You know what I'm saying?
Not knowing that this is amarriage, we're going to have
issues, we're going to havethings that that transpired, but
we're going to work through ityeah and so you know that you're
going to work through it.
You might just hit a bump in theroad and you just kind of got
to work through it, but you needto work through it the best way
possible, and telling everybody, um, what your spouse is doing
is not the best way.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
It's not the best way , yeah, I mean, I think people
definitely want to have anoutlet, yeah, and so I was going
to say with you know, you keepothers out.
There is an exception to that,yeah, like in our role, we're
pastors, so we offer spiritualguidance and and counseling and
advice for couples, and so weare a.
(06:23):
We are couples, um, and so weare a.
We are, we are supposed to be atrusted third party, yeah,
which means we're somebody thatyou can come talk to, share what
you're dealing with and we helpyou navigate through that and
it it's never, shared outside ofthat environment.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Yeah, and the thing I love about it is we don't look
at the other spouse um crazywe're not there to judge, no,
we're not there to like so me awhole lot and
for me, I I forget.
I don't try to hold stuff andremember what people said about
their spouse once we talk tothem.
(07:00):
I don't try to remember none ofthat stuff because I don't want
that to be in the back of mymind, right?
Or I don't want to look at thisperson a certain kind of way,
because people make mistakes,people do things and you got to
be able to forgive yeah and Ilove that about us is, when we
meet with couples, or we don't,we don't like hold, you know,
(07:22):
hold things over their head.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
No, no we're here to help yeah, and we don't take
sides yeah, we're here to help,we're not to hold things.
We're not here to hold thingsagainst any one of those parties
within that marriage, becauseboth of them are guilty.
You know, that's one thingwe've learned from the jump.
I don't care what the problemis, both parties are guilty.
Both parties played a role inwhatever brought them to us, and
(07:47):
so I think it's vital thatcouples understand that that,
yes, there are people whetherit's a therapist, a marriage
counselor, someone like that.
Yes, you go in and you have toshare, you have to divulge that
information in order to get thehelp that you need.
But that is a special situation.
The the circumstances call forthat.
But just sharing it with yourmama now, no, that's that's.
(08:08):
That's not what you want to do.
Your auntie now, that's beenmarried five times and can't
keep a man no, you don't need tobe talking to her about
marriage advice.
Your uncle, who think he playother years?
Since 93.
No, stop talking to them.
They're not going to help younavigate your marital problems.
They're going to have you, likethem, divorce, single Out here,
(08:30):
thinking that the opposite sexis your enemy, right, you, you
know, they the enemy and theymust be taken down at all costs.
And that's not.
That's not what this is.
Your spouse may have made amistake, yeah, or they may have
just done something you didn'tlike right whatever the case may
have been, you can work throughit you can get over, you can
overcome it, but you need todeal with it within that
(08:51):
marriage unit.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah, yeah, and it's usually calming down and really
processing, because sometimes wejust we're just so heated in
the moment, we just want to wantto get it out, so we got to
call somebody.
Yeah.
And if you would just stop andcalm down and usually pray and
get in the word and ask God tohelp you, then you know those
(09:14):
things.
You'll find that most of thetime it's little stuff, it's not
even big, it's not even worthit.
And sometimes you even forget.
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Yeah, after a while you forget, because I mean think
about the things we've beenfrustrated or angry about over
the years.
We forgot most of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
It was little petty stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, we, we forgot most of that stuff.
We would have to really pettystuff.
Yeah, we have to really sithere and really think when was I
mad at you?
When was I?
At the time it may have seemedlike a big deal, for us a lot of
stuff stemmed around ministryyeah that's.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
That's the number one thing for us is always um
ministry stuff, but other thanthat we'd be fine.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
I mean, hey, it's because that's one of the most
challenging things you can do inlife.
So wherever the challenges hit,that's where the frustrations
are going to come in through themarriage, and that's where both
couples have to be reallysensitive to one another and
realize I can't put my partnerout there to my family or to
other people to make them seemlike a bad person.
Because whatever image youportray partner out there to my
(10:14):
family or to other people tomake them seem like a bad person
, because whatever image youportray to them because they
don't know your partner like youdo whatever image you portray
to them, that's what they'regoing to see unless your partner
come around them and yeah, nowyou come around you act crazy.
Hey, that's on you, you know.
But as a as a partner, as aspouse, you should always want
(10:36):
your spouse to be seen in thebest light.
Yeah, you should want your,your family, your friends, your
co-workers to admire, or have alevel of admiration for your
spouse.
They shouldn't, your spouseshouldn't, walk in and
immediately they feel peoplelooking at them crazy because
you have talked about them sobad.
Right, you know they shouldn't.
(10:56):
They should know all of thedetails of your going on in your
marriage what they said to you,that you didn't like, what they
did, that you didn't like yeah,like stop.
That that's not a healthy wayto build a marriage, nor is it.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Nor is it a healthy way to live right, everybody
should know your business youneed to have some trusted
individuals or I don't sayindividuals, but just a trusted
maybe couple, yeah, or yourpastor, and be very selective
about yeah, now your pastor.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
You should trust your pastor you don't trust your
pastor.
You got other problems right,but even couples a trusted
couple, but even be careful withthat, careful with that make
sure you got the right couple,that you can trust, that you
know that's not going to go outand share your business and,
like I said, I don't even share,but just love to hear things
(11:45):
that are going on, you know, inyour marriage, judge you, yeah,
all of that.
But I'm asked to go back to ourrule.
Keep up for me.
I don't have trusted couplesthat I just share stuff about my
marriage.
We don't have that.
If we need to talk to ourpastor, our leader, our
spiritual leaders, we will havethat conversation.
But talking to just anothercouple that we're friends with,
(12:07):
we might like them but we don'tlike you enough to tell you our
business.
I agree, we love you, but we'renot going to tell you what's
going on in our relationship.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
we can have date night, we can have double date
night, game night, we can play,we can go out to eat, but we are
not going to tell you right thechallenges we have in our
relationship, because we'velearned over the years there's
no value there yeah, right, butyou know, I think now when
people have date night, couples,couples night, and they get
together with couples, it seemslike somebody always wants to be
(12:38):
the one to give marital advice.
Yeah, just because they mayhave been married for a couple
years, and not even a coupleyears, maybe one or two years
and then people feel like, youknow, they're in a place where
they can give marital advice toum other couples.
And I don't, I don't know, Idon't know if we were ever in
that place where people weretrying to get give us advice.
(12:59):
We did experience that once,did we?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
yeah.
Well, I don't remember, so itprobably wasn't that good advice
, but I do think.
I do think as couples overcome,they can share their
experiences.
But I think they also have toknow their lane, know how far to
go with it.
Hey, we had this experience,this is what we did.
It might work for you, it mightnot.
(13:23):
Like, don't go into, y'allshould do this and he should do
this and she should do that.
Stay away from that.
Yeah, if you want to share yourexperience, your testimony, the
victories you had, great.
Maybe I can learn somethingfrom that.
But when you call yourselfgiving another couple advice and
you're not qualified or youreally haven't overcome because
(13:44):
I don't like to see couples youknow they're giving great advice
.
One year A couple just came tomind, but I won't say their name
You're giving great adviceabout marriage and you're
presenting your marriage.
That is so.
Or a few months later, it's adifferent case.
So people have to really becareful and make sure their
relationships have been triedand tested.
(14:07):
Like for us, this is 20 yearsin that we're actually doing
this and sharing.
We've been guiding couplesregarding marriage for years,
but this is the first time we'rereally pushing out further and
really letting people know, hey,we can help you, we can try to
help you further.
And really letting people know,hey, we can help you, we can
try to help you.
Our goal is to help younavigate some of those early
years of marriage and and andyears of children coming into
(14:28):
the marriage.
And even you know we have anadult child.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
So having an adult child navigate, because that's
different, it is people don'trealize when your children
become adults, that stillaffects you as a parent, which
affects the marriage becauseyou're trying to navigate that
child through the early stagesof their adult life so it
doesn't stop at 18?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
yeah, it does not.
It doesn't stop at 22, 24,don't stop at 24.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
So, um, it's, it's a lot you know um, but I think the
gold, the, the rule keepingpeople out, is just very, very
good I think.
I think that is like a goldenrule almost.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Oh, that's just our number one rule.
I think it's work for us.
I would hate for you to comearound.
My family and my mother or mysisters look, look at you upside
your head because of somethingI've told them about you, that
you've said to me or did to me,that we've since forgiven each
other and forgotten about, andnow they have a wall up or a
(15:30):
barrier to you in the familybecause I mismanaged our
experience or that informationand I think that's what we're
trying to get over to couplesLike don't mismanage the faults
of your partner to the pointthat you turn other people's
hearts against your spouse, andthese are people who have
(15:50):
nothing to do with yourrelationship.
They have no invested interest.
You know they may love you,like with family.
My family loves me, right.
They have an undying love forme.
I know that they love you,right?
They?
Speaker 3 (16:01):
have an undying love for me.
I know that.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
They love you, right, but?
But I married you and broughtyou into the family.
They accepted you and they loveyou because you're my wife,
right?
But I mean, we got to be realabout it.
You do something to me.
It's easier to turn on you.
You see what I'm saying.
It's same with your family.
It'd be easier to turn.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Wait a minute, what are you doing?
Turn on you.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
You know, if I, if I mistreat you, they would.
I'm telling you they would.
They ain't gonna believe it.
No, they'll believe.
They'll believe your dad wouldbe like tell charles, I need to
talk to him.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
My dad maybe, but my mama's side you can do no wrong
no that's.
If it's anything, it's me whatI do.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
No, that's not the case but, but truly, that's how
family loves their own.
Yes, they love their own, andthey will believe that that
person oh, this is what's goingon, this is what what's
happening.
I can't believe they're doingit now.
They may not confront it theymay not say anything because
they respect the marriage, butinternally they'll feel
something about that person yeah, and then when they come around
(16:59):
, it's like the elephant in theroom.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Nobody's saying anything, everybody's all smiles
, but you could tell like thatperson will be able to feel
what's being projected.
You know, they can feel, youknow the, the, the dislike, they
can feel the talk, they canfeel all of that stuff and it
just makes it awkward.
So then when family gatheringscome around and that spouse
(17:23):
doesn't want to go, that's whywhy you don't want to go- it's
because of the way I feel whenI'm in this environment with you
because of things that you saidthings about it and shared some
things.
So, yeah, that's why you justit's not a good thing, it's not
good.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
It's not good.
It's not good, not a good look.
It's best to make the rule now.
We're going to work thesethings among us, yeah, and when
we walk out of the house, we'regoing to walk out of here with a
united front, mm-hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
You see what I'm saying.
What would you say about ifpeople say, well, well, you're
just being fake?
I don't agree with that, I'mjust asking.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, don't agree with that.
I'm.
I'm just asking yeah, no, no,I'm responding to the question.
I would say we're not beingfake, we're just not.
We're not airing out all of thethe matters of our relationship
, which is just like going towork.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Well, every day you go to work, you don't want to be
there but what does your jobtell you when you, when you
cross the threshold of the door?
Speaker 1 (18:19):
yeah, you leave your personal life at home.
You come here, put a smile onyour face and you get the job.
Get the job done.
You serve these customers, youdo your job, you, whatever, and
when you leave out of here, youpick the cares of your life back
up and you do whatever you wantto do, but as long as you're
here, yeah, you represent thiscompany, you do what you're
supposed to do.
It's the same thing, I think, ina relationship.
(18:40):
When we walk, walk out of ourhome, we're going out into the
world, and all of what's goingon in our home, the challenges
that we're having in ourmarriage, don't belong on the
stage of the world.
They don't belong at our job,they don't belong at the family
function.
So we have to come to anagreement that, hey, we ain't
feeling each other right now,but here's the key that doesn't
(19:03):
mean I don't love you.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Yeah, I mean, we won't work it out right.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
So I'm not being faked by still showing love
towards you and being cordial,and I mean we're believers yeah
so, as believers, I shouldn't beout here acting crazy anyway.
Exactly.
You see, I'm talking aboutbeliever couples who are
believers.
Why are we gonna act crazy?
Because we got a disagreement.
We got a disagreement.
We haven't resolved it yet, butwe're going to get it resolved,
exactly Right.
(19:25):
So we're not going to go outhere and show out and then get
back home, work it out and wejust left an impression of, oh,
they got problems in theirmarriage out there and they
never know when we resolve it,when we get over it, all they
saw was, oh, when they goingthrough, that's how they act
when they got a disagreement,that's what they do, and people
form an opinion about yourmarriage and you as an
(19:49):
individual, and that's not whatwe want to portray.
I don't think that's whatanyone should portray.
When you walk out of your house, you need to get it together.
Hey, we together.
We united.
We have some differences, but inthis setting, oh hey, we
together, we united, we, we havesome differences.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But in this setting, oh, we together yeah, we ain't
going nowhere and try to workyour differences out as soon as
possible the bible talks aboutthat.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
We should not let the sun go down on our wrath, which
means before sunset yeah like.
That's something else that wetry to do before the day is over
we try to resolve yeah whatever, because I mean you don't sleep
well when you don't get anysleep.
No, I mean we don't some people,you cold-hearted, mean evil,
(20:34):
vindictive, hateful, and youmight sleep like a baby, but
people who really love theirpartner.
You don't want to try to sleepwith the weights and the cares
of life on you through the night, because you don't really rest.
No, you don't you don't restand then you wake up in the
morning and that same thing isstaring you in the face right,
so you gotta deal with it.
So it's best to just deal withit as soon as possible then you
(20:56):
have somebody who, trying to besuper spiritual, call you, was
in my spirit, what's going on?
They said oh, I'm good, justpray for me.
You know, somebody just won'tbe in your bed.
You'll have people that callyou, people that call you when
you and your spouse are indisagreement and you all right.
What's going on?
(21:16):
You sound different.
I'm all right, I'll be fine.
I'm just navigating throughsome challenges.
You don't have to go intodetail.
Well, they heard it in it in myvoice.
You ain't okay.
You heard it in my voice thatI'm working through some things,
but if God don't tell you thedetails, I'm not giving you the
details in my marriage.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Now, other things we can talk about, but in my
marriage, no, if I'm mad at myspouse, no, I'm not telling you
that I'm mad with my spouse yeah, you know, so you just have to
be careful with that, uh, anddon't let people manipulate you
into sharing things about yourmarriage and your relationship
that you don't need to shareyeah, and be careful with people
that's always looking forinformation from you, but they
(21:56):
never give you any informationabout what's going on with their
marriage or their life, so soyou got to be aware of that,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
And I think back to our number one rule.
Number one rule keep otherpeople out of your business.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Keep other people out .
Speaker 1 (22:09):
And if you do that, just keep that straight across
the board.
Unless you're getting therapyor unless you're getting counsel
or spiritual advice from yourpastor, unless you're getting
that, keep that rule in placeand I promise you, you, your
marriage, would deal with a lesschaos from the outside, because
people won't know what to pokeat or what to look at.
(22:30):
You won't have people lookingat you and your partner with all
types of indifference becauseof things that they've heard and
things that have been sharedabout the relationship.
I mean, people know.
No marriage is perfect no,marriage is perfect I was just
thinking that, yeah, nobody'smarriage is perfect.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
People have good marriages, but there are no
perfect marriages and we don'thave to give you the details we
don't have to give you thedetails of the imperfection
right exactly yeah, we just keepworking to iron the bristles
out.
Keep working at it.
Yeah, sound good to me, I loveit all right.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Well, listen, thank y'all for joining us for another
episode of doing it with thedaddyiels.
We are so glad to have youlisten, subscribe to our channel
, make sure you keep up witheverything we drop.
Every video that drops, makesure you get it because you
subscribe, turn thosenotifications on, like this
video, comment, share it withsomebody you believe will
benefit from it, and listen.
We can't wait to see you at thenext episode.
(23:22):
All right, god bless.
God bless you.
Take care, we'll see you soon.
Hey, thank you for joining usfor doing it with the Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
think it's vital that the couples understand that,
that, yes, there are people,whether it's a therapist, a
marriage counselor, someone likethat yes, you go in and you
have to share, you have todivulge that information in
order to get the help that youneed.
But just sharing it with yourmama now, no, that's that's.
That's not what you want to do.
Your auntie now that's beenmarried five times and can't
(00:20):
keep a man no, you don't need tobe talking to her about
marriage advice.
Your uncle, who think he playedother years since 93?
No, stop talking to them.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
I'm Charles.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, we're back for anotherepisode of doing it with the
Daniels, where we help couplesget it on in life, marriage and
ministry.
We're so glad to have you joinus again today, baby.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
Come on, we better jump in hereand get it going.
What are we talking about?
It's happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here.
Come on, we better jump in hereand get it going what we're
talking about.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
It's gonna be a good one.
Today.
We're talking about keepingpeople out of your marriage oh,
keep them folks out yourmarriage.
So when you say them folks whowe talking about?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
oh, we talking about everybody everybody everybody,
everybody everybody, I mean mama, daddy, sister, brother,
everybody keep co-workers.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Yes, yes everybody.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Grandmama, granddaddy , yes anybody you can think of,
keep them out.
I think that is for us in ourmarriage, almost 20 years now,
that has been the number onerule as a matter of fact I
thought about this um, ourfamily doesn't really, they
don't really know much about ourmarriage and our journey over
(01:57):
these last few years.
They just know that we've beengood yeah, right this is the
first time they're hearing ofthe challenge.
Now, obviously they're notidiots, so they know that we
have had to navigate thingsright but they haven't gotten it
firsthand from us.
We've never shared and divulgedinformation about our
relationship.
We've held things pretty close.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Yeah, well, that's one thing I think that we did.
We never like, I never got madat you and call my mom to vent.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
You know, or my dad or anything like that, or cousin
or anything like I never.
Or my best friend, like I nevercalled anybody to tell like
what I was frustrated with youabout.
I always took that to God.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Yeah, and it's not good, I think, for me.
I can't.
I don't have that testimonybecause I did share one time,
you know, and I learned whythat's our number one rule, um,
and it didn't.
It didn't blow real badexternally, yeah, but internally
you were really hot at me, yeah, and uh, I think it was just in
(03:03):
the moment, conversate in usconversing and just talking
about, yeah, you know this, this, that and the other, and just
sharing that.
And when you found out about it, you was just upset about it
and, to be honest with you,looking back now I realized that
person couldn't help me anyway,right, like you had nothing to
(03:27):
offer me, but just, you justwant to hear my business, you
just want to hear what's goingon in my marriage and really,
you want to hear somethingthat's not good.
Yeah, some you something youthink is juicy because nobody,
because on the outside,everybody's like, oh, they look
like they great, perfect.
So I got some insideinformation that this is and
really what I was sharing.
Yeah, it wasn't me.
Yeah, it wasn't anything?
No, you know, but even that wastoo much.
(03:48):
Yeah, it was.
Although it wasn't big to us,that person may have thought oh
yeah, they got this going on.
And some people just love tofind the faults, and especially
when they're not happy in therelationship they're in.
And so you got to be watchfulof people you know for the
viewers.
You got to be watchful ofpeople who are always looking
(04:09):
for the, the details of the,what they call the tea, the tea
people always looking for thetea in your relationship.
When people come looking forthe tea, tell them there are no
teas, teas in alphabet.
Get you an alphabet, do that,but I don't have any t's for you
, no t for you.
Right, this is yourrelationship, is yours, and so
that's why our number one rulehas been keep others out, keep
(04:31):
people out of your relationship,and that includes everybody.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Now, we got one situation worked for us.
I think that we had to gothrough that to get to where we
are now, because had that nothappened, I don't know if we
would have done that so quicklyyeah, or really been so rigid
about it you know some thingsyou be you're flexible about,
but a lot of things, some thingsI think you need to be rigid
yeahand like stern with and and, and
(04:58):
say this is what it is andwe're not going to violate this
rule in our marriage and it'sit's helped, or each other
beneficial, you know because andI think the the big thing is,
when you go around tellingthings that go on in your
marriage to people that reallycan't help you anyway,
especially family and when youguys make up and you go around
(05:22):
that family, the family is gonnado what.
They're gonna look at themupside their head like, okay, I
can't believe she with him, Ican't believe he did that, I
can't believe he said that.
You know all of that, you gotall of that going on and y'all
are fine now, but the family,they don't forget what you
shared with them.
And then they'll even look atyou like she's still with.
(05:43):
You know what I'm saying?
Not knowing that this is amarriage, we're going to have
issues, we're going to havethings that that transpired, but
we're going to work through ityeah and so you know that you're
going to work through it.
You might just hit a bump in theroad and you just kind of got
to work through it, but you needto work through it the best way
possible, and telling everybody, um, what your spouse is doing
is not the best way.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
It's not the best way , yeah, I mean, I think people
definitely want to have anoutlet, yeah, and so I was going
to say with you know, you keepothers out.
There is an exception to that,yeah, like in our role, we're
pastors, so we offer spiritualguidance and and counseling and
advice for couples, and so weare a.
(06:23):
We are couples, um, and so weare a.
We are, we are supposed to be atrusted third party, yeah,
which means we're somebody thatyou can come talk to, share what
you're dealing with and we helpyou navigate through that and
it it's never, shared outside ofthat environment.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Yeah, and the thing I love about it is we don't look
at the other spouse um crazywe're not there to judge, no,
we're not there to like so me awhole lot and
for me, I I forget.
I don't try to hold stuff andremember what people said about
their spouse once we talk tothem.
(07:00):
I don't try to remember none ofthat stuff because I don't want
that to be in the back of mymind, right?
Or I don't want to look at thisperson a certain kind of way,
because people make mistakes,people do things and you got to
be able to forgive yeah and Ilove that about us is, when we
meet with couples, or we don't,we don't like hold, you know,
(07:22):
hold things over their head.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
No, no we're here to help yeah, and we don't take
sides yeah, we're here to help,we're not to hold things.
We're not here to hold thingsagainst any one of those parties
within that marriage, becauseboth of them are guilty.
You know, that's one thingwe've learned from the jump.
I don't care what the problemis, both parties are guilty.
Both parties played a role inwhatever brought them to us, and
(07:47):
so I think it's vital thatcouples understand that that,
yes, there are people whetherit's a therapist, a marriage
counselor, someone like that.
Yes, you go in and you have toshare, you have to divulge that
information in order to get thehelp that you need.
But that is a special situation.
The the circumstances call forthat.
But just sharing it with yourmama now, no, that's that's.
(08:08):
That's not what you want to do.
Your auntie now, that's beenmarried five times and can't
keep a man no, you don't need tobe talking to her about
marriage advice.
Your uncle, who think he playother years?
Since 93.
No, stop talking to them.
They're not going to help younavigate your marital problems.
They're going to have you, likethem, divorce, single Out here,
(08:30):
thinking that the opposite sexis your enemy, right, you, you
know, they the enemy and theymust be taken down at all costs.
And that's not.
That's not what this is.
Your spouse may have made amistake, yeah, or they may have
just done something you didn'tlike right whatever the case may
have been, you can work throughit you can get over, you can
overcome it, but you need todeal with it within that
(08:51):
marriage unit.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Yeah, yeah, and it's usually calming down and really
processing, because sometimes wejust we're just so heated in
the moment, we just want to wantto get it out, so we got to
call somebody.
Yeah.
And if you would just stop andcalm down and usually pray and
get in the word and ask God tohelp you, then you know those
(09:14):
things.
You'll find that most of thetime it's little stuff, it's not
even big, it's not even worthit.
And sometimes you even forget.
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Yeah, after a while you forget, because I mean think
about the things we've beenfrustrated or angry about over
the years.
We forgot most of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
It was little petty stuff.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, we, we forgot most of that stuff.
We would have to really pettystuff.
Yeah, we have to really sithere and really think when was I
mad at you?
When was I?
At the time it may have seemedlike a big deal, for us a lot of
stuff stemmed around ministryyeah that's.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
That's the number one thing for us is always um
ministry stuff, but other thanthat we'd be fine.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
I mean, hey, it's because that's one of the most
challenging things you can do inlife.
So wherever the challenges hit,that's where the frustrations
are going to come in through themarriage, and that's where both
couples have to be reallysensitive to one another and
realize I can't put my partnerout there to my family or to
other people to make them seemlike a bad person.
Because whatever image youportray partner out there to my
(10:14):
family or to other people tomake them seem like a bad person
, because whatever image youportray to them because they
don't know your partner like youdo whatever image you portray
to them, that's what they'regoing to see unless your partner
come around them and yeah, nowyou come around you act crazy.
Hey, that's on you, you know.
But as a as a partner, as aspouse, you should always want
(10:36):
your spouse to be seen in thebest light.
Yeah, you should want your,your family, your friends, your
co-workers to admire, or have alevel of admiration for your
spouse.
They shouldn't, your spouseshouldn't, walk in and
immediately they feel peoplelooking at them crazy because
you have talked about them sobad.
Right, you know they shouldn't.
(10:56):
They should know all of thedetails of your going on in your
marriage what they said to you,that you didn't like, what they
did, that you didn't like yeah,like stop.
That that's not a healthy wayto build a marriage, nor is it.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Nor is it a healthy way to live right, everybody
should know your business youneed to have some trusted
individuals or I don't sayindividuals, but just a trusted
maybe couple, yeah, or yourpastor, and be very selective
about yeah, now your pastor.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
You should trust your pastor you don't trust your
pastor.
You got other problems right,but even couples a trusted
couple, but even be careful withthat, careful with that make
sure you got the right couple,that you can trust, that you
know that's not going to go outand share your business and,
like I said, I don't even share,but just love to hear things
(11:45):
that are going on, you know, inyour marriage, judge you, yeah,
all of that.
But I'm asked to go back to ourrule.
Keep up for me.
I don't have trusted couplesthat I just share stuff about my
marriage.
We don't have that.
If we need to talk to ourpastor, our leader, our
spiritual leaders, we will havethat conversation.
But talking to just anothercouple that we're friends with,
(12:07):
we might like them but we don'tlike you enough to tell you our
business.
I agree, we love you, but we'renot going to tell you what's
going on in our relationship.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
we can have date night, we can have double date
night, game night, we can play,we can go out to eat, but we are
not going to tell you right thechallenges we have in our
relationship, because we'velearned over the years there's
no value there yeah, right, butyou know, I think now when
people have date night, couples,couples night, and they get
together with couples, it seemslike somebody always wants to be
(12:38):
the one to give marital advice.
Yeah, just because they mayhave been married for a couple
years, and not even a coupleyears, maybe one or two years
and then people feel like, youknow, they're in a place where
they can give marital advice toum other couples.
And I don't, I don't know, Idon't know if we were ever in
that place where people weretrying to get give us advice.
(12:59):
We did experience that once,did we?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
yeah.
Well, I don't remember, so itprobably wasn't that good advice
, but I do think.
I do think as couples overcome,they can share their
experiences.
But I think they also have toknow their lane, know how far to
go with it.
Hey, we had this experience,this is what we did.
It might work for you, it mightnot.
(13:23):
Like, don't go into, y'allshould do this and he should do
this and she should do that.
Stay away from that.
Yeah, if you want to share yourexperience, your testimony, the
victories you had, great.
Maybe I can learn somethingfrom that.
But when you call yourselfgiving another couple advice and
you're not qualified or youreally haven't overcome because
(13:44):
I don't like to see couples youknow they're giving great advice
.
One year A couple just came tomind, but I won't say their name
You're giving great adviceabout marriage and you're
presenting your marriage.
That is so.
Or a few months later, it's adifferent case.
So people have to really becareful and make sure their
relationships have been triedand tested.
(14:07):
Like for us, this is 20 yearsin that we're actually doing
this and sharing.
We've been guiding couplesregarding marriage for years,
but this is the first time we'rereally pushing out further and
really letting people know, hey,we can help you, we can try to
help you further.
And really letting people know,hey, we can help you, we can
try to help you.
Our goal is to help younavigate some of those early
years of marriage and and andyears of children coming into
(14:28):
the marriage.
And even you know we have anadult child.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
So having an adult child navigate, because that's
different, it is people don'trealize when your children
become adults, that stillaffects you as a parent, which
affects the marriage becauseyou're trying to navigate that
child through the early stagesof their adult life so it
doesn't stop at 18?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
yeah, it does not.
It doesn't stop at 22, 24,don't stop at 24.
Speaker 3 (14:50):
So, um, it's, it's a lot you know um, but I think the
gold, the, the rule keepingpeople out, is just very, very
good I think.
I think that is like a goldenrule almost.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Oh, that's just our number one rule.
I think it's work for us.
I would hate for you to comearound.
My family and my mother or mysisters look, look at you upside
your head because of somethingI've told them about you, that
you've said to me or did to me,that we've since forgiven each
other and forgotten about, andnow they have a wall up or a
(15:30):
barrier to you in the familybecause I mismanaged our
experience or that informationand I think that's what we're
trying to get over to couplesLike don't mismanage the faults
of your partner to the pointthat you turn other people's
hearts against your spouse, andthese are people who have
(15:50):
nothing to do with yourrelationship.
They have no invested interest.
You know they may love you,like with family.
My family loves me, right.
They have an undying love forme.
I know that they love you,right?
They?
Speaker 3 (16:01):
have an undying love for me.
I know that.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
They love you, right, but?
But I married you and broughtyou into the family.
They accepted you and they loveyou because you're my wife,
right?
But I mean, we got to be realabout it.
You do something to me.
It's easier to turn on you.
You see what I'm saying.
It's same with your family.
It'd be easier to turn.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
Wait a minute, what are you doing?
Turn on you.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
You know, if I, if I mistreat you, they would.
I'm telling you they would.
They ain't gonna believe it.
No, they'll believe.
They'll believe your dad wouldbe like tell charles, I need to
talk to him.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
My dad maybe, but my mama's side you can do no wrong
no that's.
If it's anything, it's me whatI do.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
No, that's not the case but, but truly, that's how
family loves their own.
Yes, they love their own, andthey will believe that that
person oh, this is what's goingon, this is what what's
happening.
I can't believe they're doingit now.
They may not confront it theymay not say anything because
they respect the marriage, butinternally they'll feel
something about that person yeah, and then when they come around
(16:59):
, it's like the elephant in theroom.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Nobody's saying anything, everybody's all smiles
, but you could tell like thatperson will be able to feel
what's being projected.
You know, they can feel, youknow the, the, the dislike, they
can feel the talk, they canfeel all of that stuff and it
just makes it awkward.
So then when family gatheringscome around and that spouse
(17:23):
doesn't want to go, that's whywhy you don't want to go- it's
because of the way I feel whenI'm in this environment with you
because of things that you saidthings about it and shared some
things.
So, yeah, that's why you justit's not a good thing, it's not
good.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
It's not good.
It's not good, not a good look.
It's best to make the rule now.
We're going to work thesethings among us, yeah, and when
we walk out of the house, we'regoing to walk out of here with a
united front, mm-hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
You see what I'm saying.
What would you say about ifpeople say, well, well, you're
just being fake?
I don't agree with that, I'mjust asking.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, don't agree with that.
I'm.
I'm just asking yeah, no, no,I'm responding to the question.
I would say we're not beingfake, we're just not.
We're not airing out all of thethe matters of our relationship
, which is just like going towork.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Well, every day you go to work, you don't want to be
there but what does your jobtell you when you, when you
cross the threshold of the door?
Speaker 1 (18:19):
yeah, you leave your personal life at home.
You come here, put a smile onyour face and you get the job.
Get the job done.
You serve these customers, youdo your job, you, whatever, and
when you leave out of here, youpick the cares of your life back
up and you do whatever you wantto do, but as long as you're
here, yeah, you represent thiscompany, you do what you're
supposed to do.
It's the same thing, I think, ina relationship.
(18:40):
When we walk, walk out of ourhome, we're going out into the
world, and all of what's goingon in our home, the challenges
that we're having in ourmarriage, don't belong on the
stage of the world.
They don't belong at our job,they don't belong at the family
function.
So we have to come to anagreement that, hey, we ain't
feeling each other right now,but here's the key that doesn't
(19:03):
mean I don't love you.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Yeah, I mean, we won't work it out right.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
So I'm not being faked by still showing love
towards you and being cordial,and I mean we're believers yeah
so, as believers, I shouldn't beout here acting crazy anyway.
Exactly.
You see, I'm talking aboutbeliever couples who are
believers.
Why are we gonna act crazy?
Because we got a disagreement.
We got a disagreement.
We haven't resolved it yet, butwe're going to get it resolved,
exactly Right.
(19:25):
So we're not going to go outhere and show out and then get
back home, work it out and wejust left an impression of, oh,
they got problems in theirmarriage out there and they
never know when we resolve it,when we get over it, all they
saw was, oh, when they goingthrough, that's how they act
when they got a disagreement,that's what they do, and people
form an opinion about yourmarriage and you as an
(19:49):
individual, and that's not whatwe want to portray.
I don't think that's whatanyone should portray.
When you walk out of your house, you need to get it together.
Hey, we together.
We united.
We have some differences, but inthis setting, oh hey, we
together, we united, we, we havesome differences.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But in this setting, oh, we together yeah, we ain't
going nowhere and try to workyour differences out as soon as
possible the bible talks aboutthat.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
We should not let the sun go down on our wrath, which
means before sunset yeah like.
That's something else that wetry to do before the day is over
we try to resolve yeah whatever, because I mean you don't sleep
well when you don't get anysleep.
No, I mean we don't some people,you cold-hearted, mean evil,
(20:34):
vindictive, hateful, and youmight sleep like a baby, but
people who really love theirpartner.
You don't want to try to sleepwith the weights and the cares
of life on you through the night, because you don't really rest.
No, you don't you don't restand then you wake up in the
morning and that same thing isstaring you in the face right,
so you gotta deal with it.
So it's best to just deal withit as soon as possible then you
(20:56):
have somebody who, trying to besuper spiritual, call you, was
in my spirit, what's going on?
They said oh, I'm good, justpray for me.
You know, somebody just won'tbe in your bed.
You'll have people that callyou, people that call you when
you and your spouse are indisagreement and you all right.
What's going on?
(21:16):
You sound different.
I'm all right, I'll be fine.
I'm just navigating throughsome challenges.
You don't have to go intodetail.
Well, they heard it in it in myvoice.
You ain't okay.
You heard it in my voice thatI'm working through some things,
but if God don't tell you thedetails, I'm not giving you the
details in my marriage.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Now, other things we can talk about, but in my
marriage, no, if I'm mad at myspouse, no, I'm not telling you
that I'm mad with my spouse yeah, you know, so you just have to
be careful with that, uh, anddon't let people manipulate you
into sharing things about yourmarriage and your relationship
that you don't need to shareyeah, and be careful with people
that's always looking forinformation from you, but they
(21:56):
never give you any informationabout what's going on with their
marriage or their life, so soyou got to be aware of that,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
And I think back to our number one rule.
Number one rule keep otherpeople out of your business.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Keep other people out .
Speaker 1 (22:09):
And if you do that, just keep that straight across
the board.
Unless you're getting therapyor unless you're getting counsel
or spiritual advice from yourpastor, unless you're getting
that, keep that rule in placeand I promise you, you, your
marriage, would deal with a lesschaos from the outside, because
people won't know what to pokeat or what to look at.
(22:30):
You won't have people lookingat you and your partner with all
types of indifference becauseof things that they've heard and
things that have been sharedabout the relationship.
I mean, people know.
No marriage is perfect no,marriage is perfect I was just
thinking that, yeah, nobody'smarriage is perfect.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
People have good marriages, but there are no
perfect marriages and we don'thave to give you the details we
don't have to give you thedetails of the imperfection
right exactly yeah, we just keepworking to iron the bristles
out.
Keep working at it.
Yeah, sound good to me, I loveit all right.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Well, listen, thank y'all for joining us for another
episode of doing it with thedaddyiels.
We are so glad to have youlisten, subscribe to our channel
, make sure you keep up witheverything we drop.
Every video that drops, makesure you get it because you
subscribe, turn thosenotifications on, like this
video, comment, share it withsomebody you believe will
benefit from it, and listen.
We can't wait to see you at thenext episode.
(23:22):
All right, god bless.
God bless you.
Take care, we'll see you soon.
Hey, thank you for joining usfor doing it with the Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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