September 5, 2024 • 30 mins
Can trust ever be fully restored after infidelity? Join us, Charles and Tesa, in this episode of Doing it With the Daniels as we unravel the intricate journey of rebuilding trust after a betrayal. We promise to offer you not just insights but practical advice on navigating this emotionally charged terrain. We'll thoroughly discuss why the effort required to mend a shattered bond is monumental and how both partners must be equally committed to the healing process.
We'll explore the painful aftermath of infidelity, tackling the anger, frustration, and suspicion that often follow such a breach of trust. Discover why creating a "new normal" is essential and how setting firm boundaries can pave the way for genuine recovery. We'll also address common misconceptions, such as the belief that only the unfaithful partner must work on repairing the relationship, and delve into the deeper issues that both parties need to reflect on to move forward together.
Learn why honesty and transparency are non-negotiable and how avoiding quick fixes like physical intimacy can help truly address the emotional wounds. We emphasize that consistent, trustworthy behavior from the unfaithful partner, alongside the victim's gradual process of regaining trust, is crucial. Offering comfort, seeking counseling, and staying committed to the long haul can often result in a stronger, more authentic relationship. Tune in to equip yourself with the tools and strategies necessary for navigating the rocky path of infidelity recovery and finding a renewed sense of trust and connection.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So when we talk about trust, what does that look like
?
I know we mentioned it'sfragile, it's one of those
things that you gain over time,but it can also be what Lost
quickly.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
(00:20):
I'm Charles.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, welcome to Doing it Withthe Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry.
We're so happy to have you heretoday.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
How you doing, babe?
I'm good.
How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I'm doing great today , that's good glad to be back
for another episode I am glad tobe back we always have fun when
we do these episodes yeah, wedo I really enjoy it.
Listen.
If you've been enjoying doingit with the daniels, I want to
encourage you to make sure youlike and subscribe to our
channel and if we say somethingthat catches your interest, give
us, us a comment.
We would love to hear from you.
Let us know how you feel aboutthese episodes that we're
(01:07):
sharing with you, the contentthat we're sharing, and if
there's anything you want us totalk about, let us know.
We'll be happy to discuss thaton a future episode.
That's right, yeah, so what arewe talking about today?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Today is all about rebuilding trust after
infidelity.
Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
That is really good.
You know, it blows my mind thenumber of couples who have
experienced infidelity in theirmarriage, with us offering
counsel as pastors and helpingdifferent people from different
arenas Some people that we'veeven talked to online that have
(01:48):
come to us and asked us forguidance.
Um, just seeing the number ofthem that have dealt with
infidelity in theirrelationships, it's just been
amazing.
I I mean not really expectingthat yeah especially from a
certain group of people.
you you just be like I didn't.
I thought everybody was good onthe up and up, but, um, I think
(02:10):
it's one of the biggerchallenges in the relationship
and today we're not reallyfocusing on the infidelity.
No we're really talking aboutwhat happens afterwards when a
couple decides to stay together,exactly when they decide
they're going to work it out,they're going to try to get
through it, and what that lookslike.
So what do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I think the biggest thing that um a couple would
have to get through isrebuilding trust yeah and that's
the hard thing.
I think that's the the most,that's one of the hardest things
to have to do in anyrelationship yeah, you know, you
know.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, regaining that trust and that security in the
relationship is reallychallenging.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
And some people never do it.
They're never able to get backto that place.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Of fully trusting their spouse.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
But then there are others who they do.
They put the work in and theyrecover.
So, yeah, that's what I wasgoing to say it takes work.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
And not only on one party, but it takes work on both
parties.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Both parties have to be invested, both parties have
to be involved in, both partieshave to put in the work, even if
you are not the one that youknow um did.
Was was the in what do you callit?
The?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
infinite, the infidel ?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
yeah, even if you're not that person, that, um, that
was the one you still have toput in work.
Yeah, and that's what I don'tknow, if sometimes, when you
said that it doesn't work ifthat other person feels like
it's their job to put in thework, to do the things necessary
, necessary to get them back oncourse, yeah, I'm glad you said
(03:50):
that both parties play a role inthe recovery yeah and, as a
matter of fact, you'll noticethat, even in what we understand
about it, the, the victim,we'll say the infidel and the
victim.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
The victim really plays a big part of the
relationship recovery.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
And I think most of them don't don't see it that way
.
They see it as you messed up,it'll be fixed when it's fixed,
when you get right and you makechanges.
But that's not really the case.
There's a lot that the victimhas to do with the recovery
process.
How long it takes, yeah, and ifthey even recover right.
So, so yeah, I think bothparties need to know that you
(04:29):
have a part in it, um, and wewon't get into this part, but
many people will tell you thatboth parties had a role in the
affair yeah, as well, and that'sa whole.
Nother piece to navigate anotherpiece yeah, even if you feel
like I didn't do anything youstill played a role at some
point, yeah.
If we dig deep enough, we canfind the piece, and it's not
always obvious.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
And we've seen that a few times over in different
couples that we've tried to help.
Yeah, but that's one of the bigthings is navigating that, and
both parties know they play arole in the recovery.
So so when we talk about trust,trust, what does that look like
?
I know we mentioned it'sfragile, um, it it's.
It's one of those things thatyou gain over time in a
(05:13):
relationship.
You get to know somebody, youstart building trust and over
time, it's the it's developedover consistencies and and
different things that happen inthe relationship.
But it can also be what Lostquickly.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah, yeah, so you gain it slowly, but the minute
something happens you lose it sofast.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, I mean, it can be lost in a moment and many
people have experienced that.
Where?
Oh we have this lovingrelationship.
We trust one another.
We got years invested in onething One little thing.
One moment Can lose it all.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yes, you can lose it all yeah so.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
So I think one of the key things people have to
understand is that trust is isfragile and you have to respect
trust in your relationship yougot to really value it.
You cannot view it as somethingthat just doesn't really matter
, because in a relationship dayto day you don't think about
trust.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
You know, you don't.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
When you have it, you don't think about it, it's just
it's when you lose it.
It's when you lose it, it's allyou think about All you think
about regaining that trust.
You know, rebuilding what wasfractured and what was lost in
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's huge.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's huge.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, but it can be recovered, but it's a process.
It's a process, yeah, andsometimes that process is slow,
sometimes it's fast.
It just depends on the twoindividuals and how fast and how
slow they're willing to go withthe process.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
And it can be too fast.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
It can be too fast, that it's artificial.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
And it doesn't yield the result that it needs to
yield in both parties, becausethere's a process for both
parties.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Yeah, and they need to be willing to walk through
that process if they're trulygoing to rebuild that trust.
Now you can fake it, you canmanufacture it, but it won't be
substantial, it won't besustaining over the long haul of
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, that's right.
So infidelity causes losses inthe relationship, so it's loss
of respect.
You want to talk about that?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Yeah, yeah, I mean when you, when you cheat on
someone, when you commitinfidelity.
I mean those individuals.
It's the victim.
I mean those individuals, it'sthe victim.
I want to try to keep it likethat the victim.
There's a certain level ofrespect and value or work that
they had placed on that personthat they lose.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It's gone, it's gone.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, and they may want to get it back and they can
work to get it back, but in themoment it's not there.
No, they see you, you different,they see with a different lens.
Yeah, they view it a differentlens and it's not one of respect
, it's one of betrayal, it's oneof disgrace, it's one of a loss
(07:57):
of value.
As I said before, that's that's.
That's tough, but parties needto understand.
Both parties need to understand, especially the one who
committed the infraction, theinfidelity.
They need to understand thatthese things have taken place
Like you didn't just go do whatyou want to do.
When you did it, you tooksomething from the marriage.
(08:17):
Yeah you took something from therelationship.
I don't care how long you couldhave been together since high
school, middle school, collegeor whatever.
I don't care how long you couldhave been together since high
school, middle school, collegeor whatever when you committed
that infraction, you robbed therelationship of something that
you may not get back Right, oryou're going to have to get it
back, but it's going to be yournew norm.
(08:38):
You see what I'm saying?
It's a new normal that comesinto that relationship.
You recover, but it's not likewhat it used to be.
So you have to grieve what wasyep, and that's where the anger,
the frustration, the, theoutburst, the hurt, the
disappointment, the crying, allof that.
(08:58):
Some even go to the point ofseparation for a season.
Yeah, all of that has to happenin order for you to agree what
was lost, because nobody wantsto lose that no, but you don't
think about it in the moment,right you don't think about.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You know the consequences and what is going
to take and the damage thatyou're going to do, not only to
your spouse, but therelationship and how you're
going to move forward.
You know, in all of that, and Ithink a lot of some people want
you to just forgive them andjust let everything go back to
normal.
But there's no, like you said,there's no normal.
Now we have a new normal, yeah,and we have to function this
(09:32):
way, yeah, until I can, you know, forgive you yeah or go ahead
no.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
You go ahead.
No, I was gonna say.
Even if you don't get caught,yeah, it's still a new normal
for you in your psyche, becausenow your conscience is no longer
clear.
Yeah so even you have to beable to function with that stain
on your conscience while youtry to go back into what was the
norm.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
And it is different.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Different, yeah.
So the next one was a loss oftrust, which we've talked about.
That, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yeah, you lose the trust of your partner.
And can go deep with that.
When you talk about loss oftrust, that's where the stuff
that normally happens in life,that you think nothing about it,
doesn't work like that.
Now that victim every is viewseverything through a different
lens.
Yeah, there's, there's this eyeof suspicion.
(10:22):
Yes, that's, on everything youdo.
So if you come home later thanusual from work after committing
infidelity, the thought youcan't stop the thought from
entering that person's mind ofwhat are you doing?
Speaker 2 (10:36):
you must be out cheating if you go to the
grocery store or if you go runout and do something, you know
something, anything that's outof the norm, yeah, that
suspicion is going to pop up andthey're going to think about
okay, why are they doing this,right they?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
will always doubt uh-huh um, your honesty, you see
what I'm saying and and we'renot talking about this to say
that you can't recover, but wewant people to understand.
Before we get to some of thethings you can do and navigate
recovery, you have to understandthat this is what happens, yeah
, so I mean I don't know.
You know this is ministry for us, it's an opportunity for help,
(11:10):
to help people.
Yeah, somebody may be watchingthis who's tempted by infidelity
.
You're considering infidelity.
You know the enemy is trying topull you into something and
we're hoping you hear this andrealize wait a minute, it's not
worth it yeah, there's.
The cost is bigger than just youdoing something in secret.
Right, it's a bigger cost andand it's not worth it.
(11:33):
It's not.
It's not worth it when you havea good, healthy relationship
and a godly relationship.
It's not worth the sacrifice ofwhat you're going to lose.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, if you, if you take these steps and and it's
discovered in your, in your-marriage, yeah, and sometimes
they do that because it'scertain things they're not
getting in their marriage.
But that can be worked outthrough conversation, going to
counseling, talking to the rightperson to help you with the
issues that you're having goingoutside the marriage won't fix
(12:03):
it yeah, the willingness tochange too.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
There's a lot of counseling and tools and
resources, but both parties haveto be willing to change and
make the necessary adjustmentsyeah in order to get to a
healthy place exactly and theneven the the one who's
committing the infraction has tobe willing to look within and
recognize.
I've got to make someadjustments within me because
(12:27):
you know I always say this, nomatter what one partner does you
didn't make me go commitadultery yeah you know that
partner didn't make that personcommit infidelity, right?
you see what I'm saying.
It was a choice, right?
You may not have done what Iwant you to do.
You may not have given me whatI wanted, you may not have
(12:49):
provided the affirmation that Ifeel like I needed, but even
with me not getting those things, my commitment to god, yes,
should help me maintain aboundary around our relationship
where I don't go outside ofthat to try to satisfy my needs.
Exactly, you see what I'msaying.
So it's still a choice.
Yes, that spouse plays a role ahuge role but at the end of the
(13:14):
day, it's still a personaldecision that I have to make
within myself, or a person hasto make within themselves, to go
and do that yeah, yeah, that'sgood so, yeah, so that loss,
that doubt, that suspicion isgoing to be there and although
you forgive, you confess it, youtell what you did, they still
will have a problem believingyou, because trust is lost.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Yeah, even if the phone rings and they're hiding
their phones, I mean all anylittle thing that's out of the
norm that makes them.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
If you silence a call , why you silence that call?
Who was that?
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You know it's, it was failed you got to go through
all of that to rebuild trustyeah.
You know you got to be able to.
You know tell everything.
Tell where you being, where yougoing, who you talking to, who
you with, who going to be there,like everything.
How long it's going to take foryou to get there, how long it's
going to take for you to getback.
I mean the details.
And some people don't like youknow, initially to tell the
(14:05):
details of their day, ofeverything that they have to do.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Well, that's that new norm, why I got to do this.
I didn't do this before.
Well, you didn't commitinfidelity before either.
Right so those before either.
Right, so those are thedifferent changes that come in,
yeah, but yeah, what else yougot?
Loss of relationship freedom.
(14:29):
Yeah, oh, that's that.
You know, we just touched onthat.
Yeah, that's that freedom ofjust enjoying one another,
without the suspicion, withoutthe question, without being
concerned about can I reallytrust you?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
you know that you lose that yeah, so um, I think
we touched on all these loss ofunhindered openness and loss of
human inconsistency yeah, thatcommunication piece gets hit
because now can I really justtalk to you?
Speaker 1 (14:50):
how do I just talk to you freely when I don't trust
you?
it's hard to do, yeah, yeah, sothat that unhindered
communication is gone now,because at first I felt like I
was talking to my friend, mybest friend, my spouse, my
partner, the one I'm in covenantwith, but now I'm talking to
the one who betrayed me.
So there's a there's alikeliness that I'll try to
(15:11):
conceal or withhold certainthings because I don't know how
you use it or if I can trust youwith that information you'll
use it or if I can trust youwith that information.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
So I'm wondering, like if you trust, if you love
me or if everything that you'resaying out of your mouth is
really honest, like, are youbeing really honest with me?
Are you just saying stuff tojust you know?
Say it, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And that's one of the biggest challenges with trying
to recover in a relationshipwhere there's been infidelity in
a marriage is for that victimto say I want to trust you, but
can I really trust you?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
You see what I'm saying yeah, except there are no
guarantees that your partnerwill be faithful.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
OK, now if, if a couple decides we're going to
work through this, we're goingto recover, One of the first
thing they try to do is put upsome boundary lines and prevent
any more infractions right.
Any more infidelity within themarriage.
And so, okay, let's work onrebuilding trust, let's work on
growing together, let's work onmoving forward, and usually that
(16:09):
victim wants this right here.
How can you guarantee that isnot going to happen again?
That's what they want to know.
How can you guarantee and youjust said it, there is no
guarantee that is not going tohappen again?
That's what they want to know.
How can you guarantee and youjust said it there is no
guarantee that is not going tohappen again right, so what do
you do?
well, you have to if you'regoing to move forward.
You have to move forwardknowing that there's a risk
(16:31):
involved.
It's just like any otherrelationship, even before
infidelity, when we first meet,there's a risk that you'll cheat
on me.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying.
There's a risk that things willgo crazy.
Yeah, in the relationship, evenin marriage, after something
happens and you, you're you'reaware of it and you decide to
stay together, there's still arisk there yeah that they could
(16:51):
do it again.
Right, some would suggest thatthe only guarantee you have is
when the other partyacknowledges the pain and the
hurt and the loss and thebetrayal that they have caused
to the relationship.
It's one of those things whenyou know that person now feels
(17:14):
the weight of their actions,that's probably going to be the
strongest motivator for them tochange and not repeat those
actions.
Right, but beyond that, I meanyou can hack, they say, a phone.
You can track everything, youcan share your location.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
I mean you can get all the details.
Yeah, you can get all thedetails of everything.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You can watch the bank account.
You can watch the phone record.
You can do all of that.
There is no guarantee and soyou have to go into it believing
that they're going to honestlystick with the process of
rebuilding trust right andeliminating any outside uh
activities yeah that compromisethe relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
So that other person they have to work on their issue
also of not trusting- you knowit's a process for them, because
you can't just blow off thehandle every time, because if
you're saying that you're goingto stay in this, you're going to
work through this, well, that'syour part.
Part of it you have to workthrough.
Ok, I said I'm going to stay.
Now I have to try to work ontrusting this person again.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, and it's hard yeah, because the, the infidel
is working on proving that okayfor real.
Now I am who I say I am youknow like I got it?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
yeah, they're working on.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
They're trying to prove that, not overly yeah, I
think you can do too much right,and it makes it hard to believe
you yeah, you can try to go toofast yeah and it makes it seem
like you just want to be over,but but you understand.
Okay, I have to prove onceagain that I can be this
trustworthy person yeah and thevictim, as you said, is also
(18:55):
trying to.
They're working on truststrength again, so it's work on
both sides yeah there is no, youwork on you and it'll fix it.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
No, both of us will have something to work on here
if we're going to recover andthat's what we tell the people
don't make, don't try to make itbetter, because it's a process.
Yes, yes, that's one of the bigmistakes people make.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
They try to make it better.
What can I do to fix it?
What can I do to make it allright?
You can I do to fix it?
What can I do to make?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
it all right, you can't.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
What you have to do is be consistent in your
character.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Be who you say you are, do what you say you're
going to do and let them see atrack record of your commitment
to them, and that is one of thefirst levels of rebuilding trust
.
I could even go back beforethat.
Shut all doors, yeah, andavenues for you to be tempted to
go out yeah and betray therelationship again.
That's good number one.
(19:44):
Shut that off.
That is delete numbers out.
Your phone block.
Sometimes you need to changeyour number.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Yeah, get a new phone .
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Yeah, you need to get a new phone, you need to do
something.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Remove people off social media.
Yeah, oh yeah, if that's it.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Or cancel your account.
What do you do Not log out?
Delete.
Delete your account on socialmedia.
Delete your social mediaaccount.
Yeah, everybody.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Well, you know this is different from when we were
coming up, we didn't have socialmedia, that's true, so you know
, we found out somebody wascheating.
It was like what?
Just a cell phone, or you sawsomebody somewhere, or what you
telling people about our age.
I'm just saying.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
We looked like we might have had social media.
I mean, we had it, you know,but we were married, you know
the age of you know, but, yeah,but we were married, you know
the age of you know, with socialmedia, so, but I mean we did
have.
I mean you go back, I can thinkback to college.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
We had, uh, black planet I was gonna say my space.
Okay, yeah, my space.
Are you telling it all?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
now we had that stuff right and people were trying to
hook up on those platforms.
Where you could, you could posta picture of yourself and all
that kind of stuff.
I had a profile on black man.
I don't know if it still existsnow, I think it's gone now but
all of that.
People had little aliases andall that all kind of stuff on on
social media.
(21:07):
So it's been something.
It's just now.
You got dms and you can callpeople on FaceTime.
You don't have to have a phonenumber.
You can reach somebody throughsocial media.
It's just.
Access is a lot easier.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
And that's the thing.
And so some people don't needthat access and you have to know
when you can't handle thataccess Right and you got to
delete your social media account, like the world will go on
delete it, you'll be okay youknow, change your number the
people that need to have itthey'll get it yeah you know, I
promise you you'll be.
(21:43):
If you, if you want to rebuildtrust in your relationship,
you'll do what's necessary toshow that person that, hey, I'm
serious about this.
Right, it's not about makingthem believe in a certain time
period, it's just about puttingthe things in place to say, hey,
I'm serious, I'm committed andI want to move forward.
Yeah, and it won't always belike that.
(22:04):
That's the thing people have torealize.
This is what happens initially,to get started yeah but if
you're not willing to do whatneeds to be done initially,
you're not going to do.
You're not going to get to thatplace where the trust is
rebuilt and the relationshipbegins to recover.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And so what else?
Something else that we tellcouples is not to try to hide
their pain, yeah, and don't tryto fix it with sex.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, yeah, you don't hide how you feel.
Yeah, yeah, you don't hide howyou feel.
That's a part of the grievingof the old norm, as well as
acknowledging the pain that youfeel, like all that I'm OK.
I'm OK.
That's those are lies.
Yeah, don't do that to yourself.
You're not going to be able toget to the next place of
rebuilding trust if you don'tacknowledge that you're hurt by
(22:51):
the betrayal Exactly.
Right, and that's for the victim, but even for the infidel.
The infidel has to also grievethe pain that has been caused
and the hurt that has beencaused and the loss that has
been caused.
So grieving takes place on bothsides and, to be honest with
you, you really don't get to theplace of rebuilding trust until
both individuals come to thatplace of grieving.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Yeah.
Because you don't grieve untilyou acknowledge yeah, exactly
what you have done and whatyou've lost, and the harm the
damage that you cause, and thatcauses for both of them to be
honest with how they truly feel.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yes, yes, and and one of the key things with that is
when they make a make thedecision to stay together yeah
when we decide to stay together.
We no longer have to dancearound how we really feel yeah
we can start being honest.
You see what I'm saying, butmost couples aren't able to get
to the honesty place becausethey haven't made the decision
(23:47):
that they're gonna sticktogether yeah and reveal yeah,
and I think that's hard becausefor the victim, they're, they're
scared, right.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
They're like I don't know if they're going to do this
again.
So you know, I really can't say, you know that I want to stay
in this and I think sometimesthey want to stay in it, but
they're like okay, I need to seesome change.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I need to see some remorse.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I need to see some action.
I need, I just need to seesomething different yeah and I
think usually they're willing tostay in it and say, okay, I'm
willing to try you know, andsometimes, you know, even if
they're just remorseful yes, youknow, because some people they
just want you to get over itlike, okay, yeah, I did it.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I'm sorry, you know, let's just move on and it
doesn't work like that yeah, oneof the key factors to the
victim starting and steppinginto that healing process is
when they begin to see theinfidel, the person who
committed the act, when they seethem begin to grieve, when they
see that person begin to grieve, when they see that person
(24:50):
begin to feel hurt and pain andrecognize what they've done,
then that that victim starts tostep back and say okay yeah now
you understand.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Now you realize the harm and the damage you've
caused me and to our marriageand, if there's children
involved, to the family, all ofthat, and that's when they start
to say, okay, now I actuallybelieve you're ready to go
forward and usually when thevictim gets to that point,
that's when we can pull back thelayers and find out that, uh,
(25:25):
that small little piece thatthey played in the um, the
infidelity, because a lot oftimes the victim thinks and I
didn't do anything, but if youconstantly, you know, pull back
some layers, we find out thatthere was probably some things
that you know you did yeah thatyou really wasn't aware that you
were doing, oh yeah but, butthey both parties have to get to
(25:47):
that place.
Yes, you know, you just can't goat the victim and be like, well
, you did this and you did that.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
You can't do that initially well, you mean the
infidel, or you are you talkingabout the victim?
Yeah, oh, okay, yeah whenyou're trying to find their role
in the affair oh, I can't.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
You can't initially just go after them with that.
You know what I'm saying at thebeginning because they're gonna
be defensive.
They did you know, and so youhave to pull back those layers.
But, you know, then the infidelhas to become broken,
remorseful and, just you know,really feel bad about what they
did, and, um, and it all kind ofties together yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Well, let's wrap this up.
What else we got, we want tomake sure we give to them before
we oh, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Um, don't try to fix it with sex.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Oh yeah, you did say that.
No, don't try.
Physical touch can try to maskemotional pain.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
And it's just a mask.
It's like a band-aid.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It does not heal the wound, it does not.
It does not cause recovery.
It's just a cover-up Quick fix.
It's a quick fix, but it'sreally not fixing anything.
Nope, the issue is still there.
Yeah, it's still there.
So it don't try to use physicaltouch or sex intimacy to try to
make yourself feel better,because feeling better doesn't
make it better no and don'toffer comfort to one another.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Be willing to talk about the pain and loss no, I
think.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I think we said do offer comfort yes, do yeah, yeah
, do offer comfort to oneanother, like you're both
grieving, right.
So, as you're grieving, bethere for each other.
You're rebuilding therelationship yeah in a loving
relationship.
If my spouse is grieving orhurting, I'm gonna offer comfort
.
I'm not gonna do too muchbecause I realized it's a
sensitive matter, but I am gonnalet you know.
(27:32):
I recognize you're hurtingright, and it's okay for the.
But I am going to let you knowI recognize you're hurting Right
, and it's okay for the victimto do that for the infidel as
well, yeah.
To say I still may not like youright now and I'm I'm not over
it, but I see you're grievingand you're in pain by what
happened and I recognize that.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And you know, offer words of comfort or however they
comfort one another, and thelast thing is stay in the
process.
Yes, if you stay in the process, that's really the key.
If you stay in the process, youcan get to a better place.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
And a lot of couples abort the process.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Yeah, yes, I've heard a lot of couples start
counseling or they feel likethey've gotten to a place and
then they stop, or they don'tfinish, or they just move on you
know, and they don't completethe process but, if you stay in
the process, I believe thatthings will get better and your
new normal will be better.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yes, so I think staying in the process is
getting that help you'rereferring to, and also staying
in the process is stayingcommitted to rebuilding the
trust like commit to it, don'tgive up on it.
It's going to be good days.
It's going to be bad days.
It's going to be some ups anddowns, but stay committed to it
and you will overcome you willget there, yeah, but it's a
(28:48):
journey yeah, but it can berestored.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
I've seen couples that have faced this um, once
they stay in the process, thatthey're stronger, they're better
they, they just love each othereven more and it's just a
beautiful thing.
You know, how could somethingso ugly, you know, end up if
they stay in the process, uh,become so beautiful?
Speaker 1 (29:08):
yeah and you know we've seen couples.
When you mentioned that, we'veseen couples, when you mentioned
that we've seen couples whoexperience infidelity and, as a
result of it, some unspokenthings came to light, things
that they needed to deal with,that weren't dealt with.
And because they were willingto deal with those things and go
(29:29):
through the process, like yousaid, they're stronger, they're
better they have, theirrelationship is more authentic
yeah now because some things hadto come out yeah, and be dealt
with, but unfortunately it wasthrough infidelity yeah but it
brought them to a better place abetter place
yeah, well, look, I hope.
(29:49):
Hopefully that helps some ofyou.
That's been watching.
I hope you like and subscribeif this was beneficial to you.
Comment, let us know what youthink about this.
I know this is a serious matterand a sensitive topic for a lot
of people and we take that realserious, but I hope we've given
you some steps, some tools,some strategy and just
understanding about what thatlooks like.
If you've been in thatsituation on either side,
(30:10):
hopefully this will be helpfuland beneficial to you.
So listen, thank you forjoining us for another episode
of Doing it With the Daniels andwe'll see you again next week.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us for Doing it With the
Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
So when we talk about trust, what does that look like
?
I know we mentioned it'sfragile, it's one of those
things that you gain over time,but it can also be what Lost
quickly.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
(00:20):
I'm Charles.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
And I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, welcome to Doing it Withthe Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry.
We're so happy to have you heretoday.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
How you doing, babe?
I'm good.
How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I'm doing great today , that's good glad to be back
for another episode I am glad tobe back we always have fun when
we do these episodes yeah, wedo I really enjoy it.
Listen.
If you've been enjoying doingit with the daniels, I want to
encourage you to make sure youlike and subscribe to our
channel and if we say somethingthat catches your interest, give
us, us a comment.
We would love to hear from you.
Let us know how you feel aboutthese episodes that we're
(01:07):
sharing with you, the contentthat we're sharing, and if
there's anything you want us totalk about, let us know.
We'll be happy to discuss thaton a future episode.
That's right, yeah, so what arewe talking about today?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Today is all about rebuilding trust after
infidelity.
Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
That is really good.
You know, it blows my mind thenumber of couples who have
experienced infidelity in theirmarriage, with us offering
counsel as pastors and helpingdifferent people from different
arenas Some people that we'veeven talked to online that have
(01:48):
come to us and asked us forguidance.
Um, just seeing the number ofthem that have dealt with
infidelity in theirrelationships, it's just been
amazing.
I I mean not really expectingthat yeah especially from a
certain group of people.
you you just be like I didn't.
I thought everybody was good onthe up and up, but, um, I think
(02:10):
it's one of the biggerchallenges in the relationship
and today we're not reallyfocusing on the infidelity.
No we're really talking aboutwhat happens afterwards when a
couple decides to stay together,exactly when they decide
they're going to work it out,they're going to try to get
through it, and what that lookslike.
So what do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
I think the biggest thing that um a couple would
have to get through isrebuilding trust yeah and that's
the hard thing.
I think that's the the most,that's one of the hardest things
to have to do in anyrelationship yeah, you know, you
know.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, regaining that trust and that security in the
relationship is reallychallenging.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
And some people never do it.
They're never able to get backto that place.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Of fully trusting their spouse.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
But then there are others who they do.
They put the work in and theyrecover.
So, yeah, that's what I wasgoing to say it takes work.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
And not only on one party, but it takes work on both
parties.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Both parties have to be invested, both parties have
to be involved in, both partieshave to put in the work, even if
you are not the one that youknow um did.
Was was the in what do you callit?
The?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
infinite, the infidel ?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
yeah, even if you're not that person, that, um, that
was the one you still have toput in work.
Yeah, and that's what I don'tknow, if sometimes, when you
said that it doesn't work ifthat other person feels like
it's their job to put in thework, to do the things necessary
, necessary to get them back oncourse, yeah, I'm glad you said
(03:50):
that both parties play a role inthe recovery yeah and, as a
matter of fact, you'll noticethat, even in what we understand
about it, the, the victim,we'll say the infidel and the
victim.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
The victim really plays a big part of the
relationship recovery.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
And I think most of them don't don't see it that way
.
They see it as you messed up,it'll be fixed when it's fixed,
when you get right and you makechanges.
But that's not really the case.
There's a lot that the victimhas to do with the recovery
process.
How long it takes, yeah, and ifthey even recover right.
So, so yeah, I think bothparties need to know that you
(04:29):
have a part in it, um, and wewon't get into this part, but
many people will tell you thatboth parties had a role in the
affair yeah, as well, and that'sa whole.
Nother piece to navigate anotherpiece yeah, even if you feel
like I didn't do anything youstill played a role at some
point, yeah.
If we dig deep enough, we canfind the piece, and it's not
always obvious.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
And we've seen that a few times over in different
couples that we've tried to help.
Yeah, but that's one of the bigthings is navigating that, and
both parties know they play arole in the recovery.
So so when we talk about trust,trust, what does that look like
?
I know we mentioned it'sfragile, um, it it's.
It's one of those things thatyou gain over time in a
(05:13):
relationship.
You get to know somebody, youstart building trust and over
time, it's the it's developedover consistencies and and
different things that happen inthe relationship.
But it can also be what Lostquickly.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah, yeah, so you gain it slowly, but the minute
something happens you lose it sofast.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, I mean, it can be lost in a moment and many
people have experienced that.
Where?
Oh we have this lovingrelationship.
We trust one another.
We got years invested in onething One little thing.
One moment Can lose it all.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yes, you can lose it all yeah so.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
So I think one of the key things people have to
understand is that trust is isfragile and you have to respect
trust in your relationship yougot to really value it.
You cannot view it as somethingthat just doesn't really matter
, because in a relationship dayto day you don't think about
trust.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
You know, you don't.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
When you have it, you don't think about it, it's just
it's when you lose it.
It's when you lose it, it's allyou think about All you think
about regaining that trust.
You know, rebuilding what wasfractured and what was lost in
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's huge.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's huge.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, but it can be recovered, but it's a process.
It's a process, yeah, andsometimes that process is slow,
sometimes it's fast.
It just depends on the twoindividuals and how fast and how
slow they're willing to go withthe process.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
And it can be too fast.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
It can be too fast, that it's artificial.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
And it doesn't yield the result that it needs to
yield in both parties, becausethere's a process for both
parties.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Yeah, and they need to be willing to walk through
that process if they're trulygoing to rebuild that trust.
Now you can fake it, you canmanufacture it, but it won't be
substantial, it won't besustaining over the long haul of
the relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, that's right.
So infidelity causes losses inthe relationship, so it's loss
of respect.
You want to talk about that?
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Yeah, yeah, I mean when you, when you cheat on
someone, when you commitinfidelity.
I mean those individuals.
It's the victim.
I mean those individuals, it'sthe victim.
I want to try to keep it likethat the victim.
There's a certain level ofrespect and value or work that
they had placed on that personthat they lose.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It's gone, it's gone.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, and they may want to get it back and they can
work to get it back, but in themoment it's not there.
No, they see you, you different,they see with a different lens.
Yeah, they view it a differentlens and it's not one of respect
, it's one of betrayal, it's oneof disgrace, it's one of a loss
(07:57):
of value.
As I said before, that's that's.
That's tough, but parties needto understand.
Both parties need to understand, especially the one who
committed the infraction, theinfidelity.
They need to understand thatthese things have taken place
Like you didn't just go do whatyou want to do.
When you did it, you tooksomething from the marriage.
(08:17):
Yeah you took something from therelationship.
I don't care how long you couldhave been together since high
school, middle school, collegeor whatever.
I don't care how long you couldhave been together since high
school, middle school, collegeor whatever when you committed
that infraction, you robbed therelationship of something that
you may not get back Right, oryou're going to have to get it
back, but it's going to be yournew norm.
(08:38):
You see what I'm saying?
It's a new normal that comesinto that relationship.
You recover, but it's not likewhat it used to be.
So you have to grieve what wasyep, and that's where the anger,
the frustration, the, theoutburst, the hurt, the
disappointment, the crying, allof that.
(08:58):
Some even go to the point ofseparation for a season.
Yeah, all of that has to happenin order for you to agree what
was lost, because nobody wantsto lose that no, but you don't
think about it in the moment,right you don't think about.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You know the consequences and what is going
to take and the damage thatyou're going to do, not only to
your spouse, but therelationship and how you're
going to move forward.
You know, in all of that, and Ithink a lot of some people want
you to just forgive them andjust let everything go back to
normal.
But there's no, like you said,there's no normal.
Now we have a new normal, yeah,and we have to function this
(09:32):
way, yeah, until I can, you know, forgive you yeah or go ahead
no.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
You go ahead.
No, I was gonna say.
Even if you don't get caught,yeah, it's still a new normal
for you in your psyche, becausenow your conscience is no longer
clear.
Yeah so even you have to beable to function with that stain
on your conscience while youtry to go back into what was the
norm.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
And it is different.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Different, yeah.
So the next one was a loss oftrust, which we've talked about.
That, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yeah, you lose the trust of your partner.
And can go deep with that.
When you talk about loss oftrust, that's where the stuff
that normally happens in life,that you think nothing about it,
doesn't work like that.
Now that victim every is viewseverything through a different
lens.
Yeah, there's, there's this eyeof suspicion.
(10:22):
Yes, that's, on everything youdo.
So if you come home later thanusual from work after committing
infidelity, the thought youcan't stop the thought from
entering that person's mind ofwhat are you doing?
Speaker 2 (10:36):
you must be out cheating if you go to the
grocery store or if you go runout and do something, you know
something, anything that's outof the norm, yeah, that
suspicion is going to pop up andthey're going to think about
okay, why are they doing this,right they?
Speaker 1 (10:50):
will always doubt uh-huh um, your honesty, you see
what I'm saying and and we'renot talking about this to say
that you can't recover, but wewant people to understand.
Before we get to some of thethings you can do and navigate
recovery, you have to understandthat this is what happens, yeah
, so I mean I don't know.
You know this is ministry for us, it's an opportunity for help,
(11:10):
to help people.
Yeah, somebody may be watchingthis who's tempted by infidelity
.
You're considering infidelity.
You know the enemy is trying topull you into something and
we're hoping you hear this andrealize wait a minute, it's not
worth it yeah, there's.
The cost is bigger than just youdoing something in secret.
Right, it's a bigger cost andand it's not worth it.
(11:33):
It's not.
It's not worth it when you havea good, healthy relationship
and a godly relationship.
It's not worth the sacrifice ofwhat you're going to lose.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, if you, if you take these steps and and it's
discovered in your, in your-marriage, yeah, and sometimes
they do that because it'scertain things they're not
getting in their marriage.
But that can be worked outthrough conversation, going to
counseling, talking to the rightperson to help you with the
issues that you're having goingoutside the marriage won't fix
(12:03):
it yeah, the willingness tochange too.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
There's a lot of counseling and tools and
resources, but both parties haveto be willing to change and
make the necessary adjustmentsyeah in order to get to a
healthy place exactly and theneven the the one who's
committing the infraction has tobe willing to look within and
recognize.
I've got to make someadjustments within me because
(12:27):
you know I always say this, nomatter what one partner does you
didn't make me go commitadultery yeah you know that
partner didn't make that personcommit infidelity, right?
you see what I'm saying.
It was a choice, right?
You may not have done what Iwant you to do.
You may not have given me whatI wanted, you may not have
(12:49):
provided the affirmation that Ifeel like I needed, but even
with me not getting those things, my commitment to god, yes,
should help me maintain aboundary around our relationship
where I don't go outside ofthat to try to satisfy my needs.
Exactly, you see what I'msaying.
So it's still a choice.
Yes, that spouse plays a role ahuge role but at the end of the
(13:14):
day, it's still a personaldecision that I have to make
within myself, or a person hasto make within themselves, to go
and do that yeah, yeah, that'sgood so, yeah, so that loss,
that doubt, that suspicion isgoing to be there and although
you forgive, you confess it, youtell what you did, they still
will have a problem believingyou, because trust is lost.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Yeah, even if the phone rings and they're hiding
their phones, I mean all anylittle thing that's out of the
norm that makes them.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
If you silence a call , why you silence that call?
Who was that?
Speaker 2 (13:42):
You know it's, it was failed you got to go through
all of that to rebuild trustyeah.
You know you got to be able to.
You know tell everything.
Tell where you being, where yougoing, who you talking to, who
you with, who going to be there,like everything.
How long it's going to take foryou to get there, how long it's
going to take for you to getback.
I mean the details.
And some people don't like youknow, initially to tell the
(14:05):
details of their day, ofeverything that they have to do.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Well, that's that new norm, why I got to do this.
I didn't do this before.
Well, you didn't commitinfidelity before either.
Right so those before either.
Right, so those are thedifferent changes that come in,
yeah, but yeah, what else yougot?
Loss of relationship freedom.
(14:29):
Yeah, oh, that's that.
You know, we just touched onthat.
Yeah, that's that freedom ofjust enjoying one another,
without the suspicion, withoutthe question, without being
concerned about can I reallytrust you?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
you know that you lose that yeah, so um, I think
we touched on all these loss ofunhindered openness and loss of
human inconsistency yeah, thatcommunication piece gets hit
because now can I really justtalk to you?
Speaker 1 (14:50):
how do I just talk to you freely when I don't trust
you?
it's hard to do, yeah, yeah, sothat that unhindered
communication is gone now,because at first I felt like I
was talking to my friend, mybest friend, my spouse, my
partner, the one I'm in covenantwith, but now I'm talking to
the one who betrayed me.
So there's a there's alikeliness that I'll try to
(15:11):
conceal or withhold certainthings because I don't know how
you use it or if I can trust youwith that information you'll
use it or if I can trust youwith that information.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
So I'm wondering, like if you trust, if you love
me or if everything that you'resaying out of your mouth is
really honest, like, are youbeing really honest with me?
Are you just saying stuff tojust you know?
Say it, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And that's one of the biggest challenges with trying
to recover in a relationshipwhere there's been infidelity in
a marriage is for that victimto say I want to trust you, but
can I really trust you?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
You see what I'm saying yeah, except there are no
guarantees that your partnerwill be faithful.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
OK, now if, if a couple decides we're going to
work through this, we're goingto recover, One of the first
thing they try to do is put upsome boundary lines and prevent
any more infractions right.
Any more infidelity within themarriage.
And so, okay, let's work onrebuilding trust, let's work on
growing together, let's work onmoving forward, and usually that
(16:09):
victim wants this right here.
How can you guarantee that isnot going to happen again?
That's what they want to know.
How can you guarantee and youjust said it, there is no
guarantee that is not going tohappen again?
That's what they want to know.
How can you guarantee and youjust said it there is no
guarantee that is not going tohappen again right, so what do
you do?
well, you have to if you'regoing to move forward.
You have to move forwardknowing that there's a risk
(16:31):
involved.
It's just like any otherrelationship, even before
infidelity, when we first meet,there's a risk that you'll cheat
on me.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying.
There's a risk that things willgo crazy.
Yeah, in the relationship, evenin marriage, after something
happens and you, you're you'reaware of it and you decide to
stay together, there's still arisk there yeah that they could
(16:51):
do it again.
Right, some would suggest thatthe only guarantee you have is
when the other partyacknowledges the pain and the
hurt and the loss and thebetrayal that they have caused
to the relationship.
It's one of those things whenyou know that person now feels
(17:14):
the weight of their actions,that's probably going to be the
strongest motivator for them tochange and not repeat those
actions.
Right, but beyond that, I meanyou can hack, they say, a phone.
You can track everything, youcan share your location.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
I mean you can get all the details.
Yeah, you can get all thedetails of everything.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You can watch the bank account.
You can watch the phone record.
You can do all of that.
There is no guarantee and soyou have to go into it believing
that they're going to honestlystick with the process of
rebuilding trust right andeliminating any outside uh
activities yeah that compromisethe relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
So that other person they have to work on their issue
also of not trusting- you knowit's a process for them, because
you can't just blow off thehandle every time, because if
you're saying that you're goingto stay in this, you're going to
work through this, well, that'syour part.
Part of it you have to workthrough.
Ok, I said I'm going to stay.
Now I have to try to work ontrusting this person again.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, and it's hard yeah, because the, the infidel
is working on proving that okayfor real.
Now I am who I say I am youknow like I got it?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
yeah, they're working on.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
They're trying to prove that, not overly yeah, I
think you can do too much right,and it makes it hard to believe
you yeah, you can try to go toofast yeah and it makes it seem
like you just want to be over,but but you understand.
Okay, I have to prove onceagain that I can be this
trustworthy person yeah and thevictim, as you said, is also
(18:55):
trying to.
They're working on truststrength again, so it's work on
both sides yeah there is no, youwork on you and it'll fix it.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
No, both of us will have something to work on here
if we're going to recover andthat's what we tell the people
don't make, don't try to make itbetter, because it's a process.
Yes, yes, that's one of the bigmistakes people make.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
They try to make it better.
What can I do to fix it?
What can I do to make it allright?
You can I do to fix it?
What can I do to make?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
it all right, you can't.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
What you have to do is be consistent in your
character.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Be who you say you are, do what you say you're
going to do and let them see atrack record of your commitment
to them, and that is one of thefirst levels of rebuilding trust
.
I could even go back beforethat.
Shut all doors, yeah, andavenues for you to be tempted to
go out yeah and betray therelationship again.
That's good number one.
(19:44):
Shut that off.
That is delete numbers out.
Your phone block.
Sometimes you need to changeyour number.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Yeah, get a new phone .
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Yeah, you need to get a new phone, you need to do
something.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Remove people off social media.
Yeah, oh yeah, if that's it.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Or cancel your account.
What do you do Not log out?
Delete.
Delete your account on socialmedia.
Delete your social mediaaccount.
Yeah, everybody.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Well, you know this is different from when we were
coming up, we didn't have socialmedia, that's true, so you know
, we found out somebody wascheating.
It was like what?
Just a cell phone, or you sawsomebody somewhere, or what you
telling people about our age.
I'm just saying.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
We looked like we might have had social media.
I mean, we had it, you know,but we were married, you know
the age of you know, but, yeah,but we were married, you know
the age of you know, with socialmedia, so, but I mean we did
have.
I mean you go back, I can thinkback to college.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
We had, uh, black planet I was gonna say my space.
Okay, yeah, my space.
Are you telling it all?
Speaker 1 (20:46):
now we had that stuff right and people were trying to
hook up on those platforms.
Where you could, you could posta picture of yourself and all
that kind of stuff.
I had a profile on black man.
I don't know if it still existsnow, I think it's gone now but
all of that.
People had little aliases andall that all kind of stuff on on
social media.
(21:07):
So it's been something.
It's just now.
You got dms and you can callpeople on FaceTime.
You don't have to have a phonenumber.
You can reach somebody throughsocial media.
It's just.
Access is a lot easier.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
And that's the thing.
And so some people don't needthat access and you have to know
when you can't handle thataccess Right and you got to
delete your social media account, like the world will go on
delete it, you'll be okay youknow, change your number the
people that need to have itthey'll get it yeah you know, I
promise you you'll be.
(21:43):
If you, if you want to rebuildtrust in your relationship,
you'll do what's necessary toshow that person that, hey, I'm
serious about this.
Right, it's not about makingthem believe in a certain time
period, it's just about puttingthe things in place to say, hey,
I'm serious, I'm committed andI want to move forward.
Yeah, and it won't always belike that.
(22:04):
That's the thing people have torealize.
This is what happens initially,to get started yeah but if
you're not willing to do whatneeds to be done initially,
you're not going to do.
You're not going to get to thatplace where the trust is
rebuilt and the relationshipbegins to recover.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And so what else?
Something else that we tellcouples is not to try to hide
their pain, yeah, and don't tryto fix it with sex.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, yeah, you don't hide how you feel.
Yeah, yeah, you don't hide howyou feel.
That's a part of the grievingof the old norm, as well as
acknowledging the pain that youfeel, like all that I'm OK.
I'm OK.
That's those are lies.
Yeah, don't do that to yourself.
You're not going to be able toget to the next place of
rebuilding trust if you don'tacknowledge that you're hurt by
(22:51):
the betrayal Exactly.
Right, and that's for the victim, but even for the infidel.
The infidel has to also grievethe pain that has been caused
and the hurt that has beencaused and the loss that has
been caused.
So grieving takes place on bothsides and, to be honest with
you, you really don't get to theplace of rebuilding trust until
both individuals come to thatplace of grieving.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Yeah.
Because you don't grieve untilyou acknowledge yeah, exactly
what you have done and whatyou've lost, and the harm the
damage that you cause, and thatcauses for both of them to be
honest with how they truly feel.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yes, yes, and and one of the key things with that is
when they make a make thedecision to stay together yeah
when we decide to stay together.
We no longer have to dancearound how we really feel yeah
we can start being honest.
You see what I'm saying, butmost couples aren't able to get
to the honesty place becausethey haven't made the decision
(23:47):
that they're gonna sticktogether yeah and reveal yeah,
and I think that's hard becausefor the victim, they're, they're
scared, right.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
They're like I don't know if they're going to do this
again.
So you know, I really can't say, you know that I want to stay
in this and I think sometimesthey want to stay in it, but
they're like okay, I need to seesome change.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
I need to see some remorse.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I need to see some action.
I need, I just need to seesomething different yeah and I
think usually they're willing tostay in it and say, okay, I'm
willing to try you know, andsometimes, you know, even if
they're just remorseful yes, youknow, because some people they
just want you to get over itlike, okay, yeah, I did it.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I'm sorry, you know, let's just move on and it
doesn't work like that yeah, oneof the key factors to the
victim starting and steppinginto that healing process is
when they begin to see theinfidel, the person who
committed the act, when they seethem begin to grieve, when they
see that person begin to grieve, when they see that person
(24:50):
begin to feel hurt and pain andrecognize what they've done,
then that that victim starts tostep back and say okay yeah now
you understand.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Now you realize the harm and the damage you've
caused me and to our marriageand, if there's children
involved, to the family, all ofthat, and that's when they start
to say, okay, now I actuallybelieve you're ready to go
forward and usually when thevictim gets to that point,
that's when we can pull back thelayers and find out that, uh,
(25:25):
that small little piece thatthey played in the um, the
infidelity, because a lot oftimes the victim thinks and I
didn't do anything, but if youconstantly, you know, pull back
some layers, we find out thatthere was probably some things
that you know you did yeah thatyou really wasn't aware that you
were doing, oh yeah but, butthey both parties have to get to
(25:47):
that place.
Yes, you know, you just can't goat the victim and be like, well
, you did this and you did that.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
You can't do that initially well, you mean the
infidel, or you are you talkingabout the victim?
Yeah, oh, okay, yeah whenyou're trying to find their role
in the affair oh, I can't.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
You can't initially just go after them with that.
You know what I'm saying at thebeginning because they're gonna
be defensive.
They did you know, and so youhave to pull back those layers.
But, you know, then the infidelhas to become broken,
remorseful and, just you know,really feel bad about what they
did, and, um, and it all kind ofties together yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Well, let's wrap this up.
What else we got, we want tomake sure we give to them before
we oh, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Um, don't try to fix it with sex.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Oh yeah, you did say that.
No, don't try.
Physical touch can try to maskemotional pain.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
And it's just a mask.
It's like a band-aid.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It does not heal the wound, it does not.
It does not cause recovery.
It's just a cover-up Quick fix.
It's a quick fix, but it'sreally not fixing anything.
Nope, the issue is still there.
Yeah, it's still there.
So it don't try to use physicaltouch or sex intimacy to try to
make yourself feel better,because feeling better doesn't
make it better no and don'toffer comfort to one another.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Be willing to talk about the pain and loss no, I
think.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I think we said do offer comfort yes, do yeah, yeah
, do offer comfort to oneanother, like you're both
grieving, right.
So, as you're grieving, bethere for each other.
You're rebuilding therelationship yeah in a loving
relationship.
If my spouse is grieving orhurting, I'm gonna offer comfort
.
I'm not gonna do too muchbecause I realized it's a
sensitive matter, but I am gonnalet you know.
(27:32):
I recognize you're hurtingright, and it's okay for the.
But I am going to let you knowI recognize you're hurting Right
, and it's okay for the victimto do that for the infidel as
well, yeah.
To say I still may not like youright now and I'm I'm not over
it, but I see you're grievingand you're in pain by what
happened and I recognize that.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And you know, offer words of comfort or however they
comfort one another, and thelast thing is stay in the
process.
Yes, if you stay in the process, that's really the key.
If you stay in the process, youcan get to a better place.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
And a lot of couples abort the process.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Yeah, yes, I've heard a lot of couples start
counseling or they feel likethey've gotten to a place and
then they stop, or they don'tfinish, or they just move on you
know, and they don't completethe process but, if you stay in
the process, I believe thatthings will get better and your
new normal will be better.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yes, so I think staying in the process is
getting that help you'rereferring to, and also staying
in the process is stayingcommitted to rebuilding the
trust like commit to it, don'tgive up on it.
It's going to be good days.
It's going to be bad days.
It's going to be some ups anddowns, but stay committed to it
and you will overcome you willget there, yeah, but it's a
(28:48):
journey yeah, but it can berestored.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
I've seen couples that have faced this um, once
they stay in the process, thatthey're stronger, they're better
they, they just love each othereven more and it's just a
beautiful thing.
You know, how could somethingso ugly, you know, end up if
they stay in the process, uh,become so beautiful?
Speaker 1 (29:08):
yeah and you know we've seen couples.
When you mentioned that, we'veseen couples, when you mentioned
that we've seen couples whoexperience infidelity and, as a
result of it, some unspokenthings came to light, things
that they needed to deal with,that weren't dealt with.
And because they were willingto deal with those things and go
(29:29):
through the process, like yousaid, they're stronger, they're
better they have, theirrelationship is more authentic
yeah now because some things hadto come out yeah, and be dealt
with, but unfortunately it wasthrough infidelity yeah but it
brought them to a better place abetter place
yeah, well, look, I hope.
(29:49):
Hopefully that helps some ofyou.
That's been watching.
I hope you like and subscribeif this was beneficial to you.
Comment, let us know what youthink about this.
I know this is a serious matterand a sensitive topic for a lot
of people and we take that realserious, but I hope we've given
you some steps, some tools,some strategy and just
understanding about what thatlooks like.
If you've been in thatsituation on either side,
(30:10):
hopefully this will be helpfuland beneficial to you.
So listen, thank you forjoining us for another episode
of Doing it With the Daniels andwe'll see you again next week.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us for Doing it With the
Daniels.
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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