August 15, 2024 • 33 mins
What happens when the daily grind causes your marriage to lose its spark? Today on Doing it With the Daniels, we promise to uncover the secrets of reigniting the fire in your relationship. We'll explore why meaningful communication is essential and how daily routine conversations about work and kids can unintentionally create a disconnect. Through real-life stories and personal experiences, we highlight the importance of intentional engagement and provide practical advice to keep your relationship vibrant and connected.
Have you ever wondered if a simple date night could save a struggling marriage? Experience the transformation as we share a heartfelt tale of a couple who rediscovered their love over a spontaneous dinner at Applebee’s. By reminiscing about their early days and embracing vulnerability, they found a renewed connection. We delve into how making intentional time for each other and keeping the art of flirting alive can maintain the excitement and emotional bond, no matter how busy life gets. You'll walk away with actionable tips to ensure both partners feel valued and loved.
What’s the secret to maintaining respect and spontaneity in long-term relationships? Discover how thoughtful gestures and addressing minor annoyances can significantly impact relationship satisfaction. We discuss the importance of not taking your partner for granted and share personal anecdotes about how small surprises, like a favorite treat or a heartfelt note, can make a big difference. This episode is packed with strategies to show love and appreciation, keeping your marriage strong and full of life. Don't miss out on these insights that could transform your relationship!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, and number seven is minimize the small
things.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yeah, that's dangerous.
That's dangerous when we say,minimize the small things, what
we're saying is you start tooverlook the small things that
annoy you or that createproblems in the relationship.
Yeah, and that's where people,you slowly start to lose that
connection and that fire.
Start to lose that connectionand that fire.
(00:29):
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, thanks for joining us foranother episode of Doing it With
the Daniels, where we helpcouples get it on in life,
marriage and ministry.
We're so glad to have you joinus today.
I'm with my wife, Tisa, and weare ready to jump in and share
some great information with youguys what you got today, baby,
(01:00):
what we talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So today we're going to be talking about seven
reasons couples lose the sparkin their relationship.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Oh, seven reasons couples lose the spark.
I think that's good.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
That is great.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I think a lot of couples lose the spark and never
regain it.
Some do regain it but I thinkfor those that don't, or don't
know how, especially early on inyour relationship, you kind of
wonder when we get to that placewhere the butterflies are gone
and all of the excitement ofmarriage has kind of waned, what
(01:31):
do you do next?
You know, how do you keep thespark alive?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
yeah, I don't think they understand that when you're
dating, you're naturally doingthese things, right, yep, and so
when you come into a marriage,you're supposed to keep doing
these things.
But I think, like you said, youget comfortable with each other
and you kind of like stop doingthose things because you're
living together, you're seeingeach other every day and you're
doing life, and so you just getin this routine of just doing
(01:58):
everyday life together.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So, yeah, I think we're creatures of habit, yeah,
and so as creatures of habit,it's very easy to just get in
like you said, that routine andyou get lost in the routine.
Everything works in the routine, everything seems normal in the
routine, but you don't realizein the routine you're losing
something in the relationship,and so you have to be
intentional.
(02:19):
I think that's a key word.
It takes intentionality youhave to be intentional about
keeping that spark alive.
Intentional about the butterfly.
If you want butterflies, yougot to create butterflies.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
They don't come naturally at that stage of the
relationship but it's so crazybecause we're intentional when
we're dating yep yeah, we'redating, we're going out to eat,
we're going to the movies, we'respending time together.
We're doing all these things.
So why is it?
When we get married, we feellike we don't have to do these
things?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I think it's at when you first started something new
and something fresh you'reexcited about it, but then you
get used to the person, yeah,and you don't think it's as
important, but it really is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
So let's jump in, let's get started and help them.
Okay, so the first one we haveis they stop communicating with
each other.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Oh, that's good.
I think that's vitallyimportant because you can go
through the routine of life.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
And you can be talking.
Like some people think, westill communicate.
Yeah, you're talking.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
But you're talking about life.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
You're talking about work.
You're talking about if youhave kids.
You're talking about kids.
So you're not talking tocommunicate, you're talking
about if you have kids.
You're talking about kids.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
So you're not talking to communicate, you're just
talking, yeah, not to really getto know each other.
Hey, honey, how was work today?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, fine.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
It's like OK, that's it.
What are we having for dinner?
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Or you're telling them about, like stuff that's
happening at work.
I know men hate that Right.
They don't want a wife to comehome and tell them all the
issues that they have that goingon at the job, yeah, and so
sometimes you can get lost indoing those things and not
really connecting to your spouseyeah, and I will say this women
do like to come home, sharewhat went on in their day, their
(03:56):
job, and men just have to learnto realize that that's an
opportunity yeah to communicate,because really what she's doing
is she's being transparent,she's being vulnerable, she's
being open about her day, herfrustrations, what's going on,
what people are doing and whatshe you know.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I had to learn this.
She wants you to agree with herif she mad at her co-worker.
She wants you to be mad too.
She wants you to tell you sheright, yeah, and I learned that
just listen to you talk aboutyeah, you know this is going on
at work and I used to be likewho cares?
Speaker 1 (04:27):
because I'm really easygoing, I'm like who cares, I
don't hear nothing about that,but I really would always tell
me that this is the, this is whyit's going on, because you are
not stepping up and you're notsaying what needs to be said.
You're going along and so andthat's like I didn't want to
hear none of that.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I was trying to give you solutions to the problem,
yeah, and solution was beconfrontational.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Uh, you know, it was just different stuff that I
wasn't comfortable with so.
I was like, yeah, I can't talkto him about work.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah but when I learned that that's just a space
for us to connect yeah and sowhen you come home I can't
believe it did that I was like Ican't believe that, that's
crazy.
You was like that's what I'msaying.
And so once I started trying tofix the problem and just had
that communication time with you, you know, just to walk through
(05:14):
it, it began to be a time forus to connect.
Instead of me being like Idon't want to hear that and he
here, here's the solution, let'sfix it.
And you being like he's notlistening, so I don't want to
talk to him, he was just okay,get it out.
When you being like he's notlistening, so I don't want to
talk to him.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
He was just OK, get it out.
When you did switch, I think Iwas more ready to receive what
you did have to say.
If you said anything, versusyou just giving me solutions,
because I felt like you wereactually listening to me.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Yeah, so so I think, like we said, communication.
If you stop communicating,that's going to be a breakdown
of all the areas of yourrelationship.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
So you have to communicate, talk to each other,
not just about random stuff butreally talking to each other
talking about what's going onwith each other, yeah enter each
other's world is how I like tosay it.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Enter your partner's world, really.
Get to know them.
Find out what they're thinking,what they're thinking about how
they're feeling, how they'refeeling about life, how they're
feeling about the marriage, howdo they feel about the children,
how do they feel about justeverything going on, how they
feel about themselves, like mostcouples don't talk about.
Like, how do you feel about you, what are you feeling, what are
you experiencing?
Speaker 1 (06:14):
where, where it goes, yeah, what do you want to do in
life?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
you know, because we change yeah, when we get married
, we continue to evolve.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
We continue to change .
So it's always good, becauseyour spouse is not going to be
the same person they were whenyou first met or when you first
got married.
So things are going to change.
They're going to change theirlikes, going to change their
dislikes.
Because I remember one thing Ithink I used to say I liked
flowers, right.
But then when you startedbuying me flowers, I was like,
(06:42):
yeah, I don't like flowers.
No, more.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yeah, I think I bought you flowers maybe once or
twice early on and you was likeit was cute the first time, but
then you was like you know, Ireally don't like flowers.
Okay, I don't like them no more.
And that's when I had to switchout and find something you did
like.
That's when I started doinglike edible arrangements.
I was like, oh she look, I'venever had a problem with edible
arrangements because you lovefruit, I love fruit, so it's.
It's just getting to know yourspouse staying in tune with
(07:05):
what's going on andcommunication right, as well as
awareness.
You know communication is a bigpart, but also just being aware,
watching how they change, playsa big role.
Yeah, so I think communicationis key.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It is very keeping things going, yeah just deep
communication yeah like we saidearlier, not surface level
definitely all right.
So number two is they stopdating.
Oh, that's a big one that is abig one because I think, um, you
can get so caught up in theroutine of life, yep of doing,
um, just doing life togetherwith kids and you know, having a
(07:37):
job and just going to workevery day, coming home doing the
same things the cooking, thecleaning and it can just get
tedious and mundane and boringboring yes, that's the word very
, very boring um, and so youstop dating one another and it's
like you don't remember that,the things that you did when you
, you know, before you gotmarried.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You need to do those things isn't it crazy how easily
you just like start doingmarriage, life and the routine
of life and you forget, hey, weneed to enjoy life.
Yeah, at the same time, becausewhen you're dating somebody,
all you're thinking about ishaving a good time.
Yeah, you're not thinking aboutpaying bills, going to work.
You're thinking about I want tohave a good time with this
(08:17):
person.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Spend time with this person I can't wait to see this
person you know, I'm what we'redoing.
We're we going here, we goingthere.
So yeah and I think for us.
We got into that web of notdating just doing life and it
was kind of crazy for us yeahlike you said, it became mundane
it became boring, and I meanboth of us.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
We kind of hit that place of our marriage.
Our relationship was like justblah yeah it was like no
excitement to it, no livelinessto it, and then we started to
notice how it affected us.
We were just kind of disengagedyeah we, we became I like to
say it like this we becameroommates you know, in a sense
we weren't roommates.
But you start to feel thatroommate feeling of and I was
(08:58):
like I didn't get married tohave a roommate I got married to
have a wife and he was like Igot married to have a husband,
so we had to do something.
And what did we do we?
We planned a date.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
We did plan a date, but you know, I think for us you
have to make sure that youdon't put expectation on whose
job it is to do the dating umschedule, and so I was looking
for you to plan all the datesand you were like just whatever
we gonna do you just let me know, and I'm just like.
I just felt like I wasn't goodat that, at doing that.
(09:27):
So we had to work through allof that who's gonna plan the
dates, how we're gonna, howwe're gonna do it, why we're
gonna put it on the calendar,and all of that.
But we realized that we had toplan ahead in order to to do it
yeah, and dating can be simple.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
yeah, it can be inexpensive or it can be
extravagant.
Yeah, it's really up to thecouple, whatever they want to do
.
I think that's the key.
Find out what your partnerlikes to do.
Mm-hmm.
What does your spouse enjoy?
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Do that.
That's what you did when youwere dating.
Yeah, before you got married,you found out what that person
liked, or you made suggestionsand they said yes, yes, I like
that.
Yeah, and that's what you did.
If it's bowling, bowling can bea date, right.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
If you like to bowl, skating can be a date I like to
skate, you know, yeah, you don'tlike to skate, but I'll go, you
can skate.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
I like to you know the skating part.
I like to skate and hold yourhand but you don't like.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
You like to do a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah, I want to skate backwards with the couple,
because as a kid I couldn'tskate.
So growing up, you know I, whenwe was kids, when they did the
couple skate time in the skatingrink, we had to get off the
floor and I was like, man, Iwant to back skate with some,
with a couple.
You know somebody?
You know, that's all in my mind.
We holding each other on theside, we just skating backwards.
I'm like, yeah, smiling at eachother, but so you know.
(10:41):
I'm just trying to roll.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
I want some old school music or something, and
I'm ready he said some oldschool, what some music did.
I say that Memphis coming outold school music, he said it
like Glorilla music.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Anything can be a date skating.
Going to the park, yeah.
Or just staying home, netflixand chill yeah, you know that
couples should be netflix andchilling yeah, having a great
time couples, marry couples,marry couples.
Yeah, married, married, marriedcouples.
Netflix and chilling you ain'tmarried.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
You get netflix, but don't chill okay, so it's just
so many things you can do.
Going out to eat you know we docar dates and people are like
what's a car date?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
it's where we go get some food and we go back to the
car and we sit in the car and weeat and we talk and we just
talk about us.
You know, we try to avoidchildren.
We try to avoid work.
We try to avoid even when we'repastors.
We try to avoid children.
Yeah, we try to avoid work.
We try to avoid.
Even when we're pastors.
We try to avoid talking aboutministry.
We just talk about us and whatwe want and what we're enjoying
(11:52):
about life and what we want tochange.
Yeah, what, what our goals are.
We just talk about us and havea good time and I think, um, I
mean that's, that's vital for usas a couple, I enjoy it well.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
When did it turn for us?
Us a couple years ago, when wewere kind of not seeing eye to
eye and not dating.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah, yeah, it just took that turn.
I think that one time when itkind of just was like things
really got out of balance withour relationship and we was like
we got to do something, andthat's when we went to Apple, we
went to applebee's, that wasour spot.
They went, we went toapplebee's and we got something
to eat.
And even when we went there, weboth had attitudes.
(12:32):
We were just like whatever, likeI ain't thinking about you,
anything about me, what are wetrying to do here?
But we sat there and we ate andwe started talking.
And out of that, back tocommunication, and out of us
communicating and talking, youknow, the walls came down.
We begin to open up and we justbegin to reminisce about early,
(12:52):
when we started dating.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Yeah, we reminisce about when we were single and we
talked about our lifeexperiences in high school yeah,
things that went on, things wedated things we did, yeah little
crazy stuff crazy stuff, yeahand I just remember us just
having a great time sittingthere, laughing, talking and
just really just enjoying oneanother.
(13:14):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
I think that was.
That was a defining moment thatreally changed things for us,
when we started to realize weneed to do this more often yeah
we need to be intentional aboutthis because we need this in our
relationship.
We need this in order to keepus connected and to keep that
fire and that spark thereotherwise it can get real boring
.
Like I said, with children andwork, and I mean that's the
(13:38):
majority of your day.
You get up in the morning withthe hustle and bustle of getting
to work, getting children toschool, taking children to the
daycare, whatever you have to do.
Then you go work all day.
You're away from your spouse.
Then you get home you got to goby the store.
Whatever.
You come home you're preparedto cook.
You got to do homework with thekids or get them settled or
just manage them then you got toclean them, get them in the bed
(13:59):
.
You really don't have time foreach other.
It's very easy to to say wedon't have time for each other
right but you have to beintentional about making time.
That's right and that's whatthe dates are about.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
The dates are about making time, yeah and being
together with one another, andwe made time that day.
I think we stayed at thatrestaurant for hours till.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
They closed till they closed.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
They had to really, they had to literally put us out
, but we laughed, we cried.
I mean, I was like laughingtill I cried yeah it was just so
much funny stuff that you knowwas going on, but it was really
good and I think it was likeanother level of connection for
us yeah, and it made me feelgood to make you laugh like that
, just by telling you thoseexperiences that I've had.
(14:38):
Telling you my story, you knowwhat, and I think the good thing
is I got to know you on anotherlevel.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
That's yeah, I think that was key, we got to know
each other.
We were vulnerable yeah we weretransparent, we were open yeah
and it, it just you know it madefor a great encounter or a time
of engagement.
Yeah, for you and I, and it wasa reconnecting and a reigniting
of the fire of our relationshipand it was good.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yes, all right.
Uh, they stopped flirting.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Oh, come on, I'm not good at this, yeah, but you
gotta flirt like I'm great atflirting yeah.
I enjoy flirting with you, yougotta flirt with your spouse
yeah right.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Well, tell how do you flirt, because a lot of people
might not.
I don't know.
It comes natural.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I just can't well, you know I like to.
I just play with you.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
I kind of pick with you.
That's a part of me flirting.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, um, just touching you making jokes with
you, you know laughing and allall you.
That's a part of me flirting.
Yeah, um, just touching youmaking jokes with you, you know
laughing and all all of thatbecause rubbing your hair yeah
is flirting.
All of that you know you.
Whatever shows your attractionor your you're giving attention
to, to your spouse that's a partof flirt.
A smile can be flirty, you know.
(15:49):
A wink can be flirty.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It's all in how you look at them yeah, like the way
you look at me now, it's kind offlirty, is it really okay?
Maybe I'm working on it.
I feel kind of.
I feel like you're kind ofworking on it now, you know so.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
So I think couples have to find what works for them
.
You flirted when you first metthem most couples so figure out
how to flirt now that you'remarried, like your spouse still
wants to feel special yeah theystill want to feel like you're
attracted to them they stillwant to feel like you're giving
them attention, even after yougot the ring.
That's good you know and you'regonna sign the license and we in
(16:23):
the house together, do youstill like me?
Like flirting says I still likeyou.
Yeah, you know, I'm saying lovesaid you know, love is I'm
paying these bills and we, youknow, taking care of you,
provide for you, for me, andyeah, but but I like you when I
flirt with you and so peoplewant to feel like you know, I
know you love me, yeah, but Iwant to feel liked by you.
(16:44):
I want to feel.
I want to feel what I'm justsaying when you flirt with me, I
feel liked, I want to feel likeyou attracted to me, and all
that flirting kind ofcommunicates that so or you can
like uh affirmations.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Is that not flirting?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
yeah, compliments yes , giving compliments, all of
that, okay.
I think all that plays a role.
I think people just have tofind what works for them, how
they flirt, because people flirtdifferent.
Yeah, you know, some people arevery playful and they're
flirting.
You know, some people I've seenflirting.
I'd be like, oh, that'sflirting, that's how y'all flirt
, okay different.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, I mean, it works for them.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Yeah it worked.
It worked for them.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So you know, you just got to figure out what works
for you as a couple um and anddo that, but I think it's
necessary, I think thatplayfulness yeah that that that
lightheartedness of therelationship needs to be
maintained yeah, I think makingmaking each other laugh too is a
part of it I do good at that,yeah, yeah, you can be real
(17:42):
silly I do good okay so numberfour all right fail to
prioritize time together yeah,yeah, that's a big one.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You can get so caught up in in making other things
important that you don't makeyour spouse feel important yeah
and I think that's what we haveto be careful of don't put,
don't make work and children andhanging with the fellas or
hanging with the girls or goingshopping.
Don't make or even ministry likeyou can make church.
Church can overpower yourrelationship.
(18:10):
I think early on in ourrelationship, because I've been
in ministry since a teenager,even when we started the church,
I was really focused onministry, ministry, ministry,
and I probably did not give theproper attention to our marriage
that I needed to, and it wasjust you didn't complain about
it.
Marriage that I needed to andit was just you didn't complain
(18:34):
about it.
But through counsel, throughadvice from others that helped
to guide us and navigate that, Irealized I needed to pull back
from being so ministry focusedand make sure I make time for my
family and for my wife anddon't lose sight of that.
That is my first ministry andso that was big for me to you
know, to begin to bring balance.
I don't think my job has everbeen a no, because when I leave
(18:57):
I'm gone no, it's, it wasdefinitely ministry.
Yeah, yeah because I wouldn'tworry about work at all.
Like I'm coming to work, I'mdoing my job, and when, when
it's over, I'm out of here, I'mgoing home yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
So we just need to prioritize to prior, to
prioritize time together yeah ummake time together.
Put it on your calendarschedule time and um just make
that important yeah, make youmake sure your, your spouse,
feels important.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
I think that's key make sure they know that they're
more important to you thananything else okay.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Number five is they disrespect one another.
We already on number five what?
Yes, oh, that's terrible but ithappens because they're not
connecting yes and so when youdon't connect, it's easy for you
to be disgruntled, to get angry, just to feel like you're not
loved and so that you getcomfortable and then you start
(19:52):
to disrespect each other.
Yeah, and that's just that.
That's just not good to be inthat place, and I don't think
you try to do it, but it comesout in your, in your feelings,
right.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Your emotions.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yeah so.
Oh yeah, and you just you endup saying stuff or or not really
respecting, and you kind oflose that.
Please, thank you, the, the,the, the nice things that you
would normally say to him andyou just kind of take them for
granted, I think.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
In those moments.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
I totally agree.
I think when couples first gettogether, they're there, they
bring their representative.
You know they're presentingtheir best, yeah, and they want
you to like them.
So they're nice, they're kind,they're respectful, they're
loving, they show compassion,they do all of that.
But once you get married, youstart to feel comfortable and
(20:45):
it's like well, I got you right,you're probably not going
anywhere.
So if I've been some of myfrustrations on you, hey, you're
probably not going anywhere.
So if I vent some of myfrustrations on you, hey, you'll
be all right.
Instead of maintaining that samestandard of I don't want to
offend you, because that'sreally what it is.
When you start dating somebody,you don't want to do anything
that's going to rub them thewrong way.
You don't want to say the wrongthing.
(21:06):
You don't want to do the wrongthing.
You want to make sure theyalways feel comfortable, that
they always see a side of youthat they like.
You see what I'm saying.
So when you first meet them,you start and you're dating.
That's what you're giving them.
When you get married, you haveto maintain that, because then
you'll start to get into well, Idon't care if you see my ugly
side you bring the ugly out ofme.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
You're gonna see it.
You're gonna see it becauseyou're gonna be together yeah,
24, 7 yeah living in the house,so and you start blaming that
person.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
You the reason I'm this way, you the reason I'm mad
when, no, I'm not the reasonyou behave the way you behave.
Yeah, sure, I may have donesome things that hit you the
wrong way, made you upset, butthat's you, that's a part of who
you are and that's where wegotta navigate.
Yeah, through all of thatthat's good so I think
maintaining respect becomesvital yeah and being intentional
(21:56):
.
Now I will say this althoughwe're going through seven of
these things, you're not goingto always get them perfect.
Couples won't always get theseperfect, but when you're aware
that, okay, I'm, I'm getting offsomewhere right adjust, adjust
and you come back around and youmake those adjustments and you
begin to recover and youstrengthen those areas of your
(22:16):
relationship.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, so I don't want couplesto think, well, I got to work on
this, got to work on that, yeah, we're all working on all of
that and you're not going togive the same attention to
everything.
Sometimes you're going to haveto come back around to some
things and make that work out alittle bit better.
So I think that's good if thisis, if this is helping you.
All this is encouraging youlisten, make sure you subscribe
(22:37):
to our channel so you never missany of our videos and our
updates, and also make sure youlike and share um.
Like, share this, this video,and comment below.
Tell me, tell us, what do youthink we want to hear from you?
We want to hear how this isimpacting you and how it's
touching your life.
So share that with us.
All right, come on.
What number we on?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Number six Lose spontaneity.
That's good.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That is good, that is good.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So I think, when couples lose, that it's the
little things right.
So it's the little things Right.
So it's the little things.
It's the I'm thinking about youis getting to know what they
like and going by the store andjust picking it up for them.
Or if you know that there'ssomething that they want, it
doesn't have to be anything thatcosts a lot of money but it's
just a small thing saying I'mthinking about you and it's like
(23:26):
you're just doing it justrandom, at random.
It's not you know their birthday, it's not you know holly, you
know the holiday, valentine'sday, or anything like that.
It's just um, I'm thinkingabout you and I just want to do
something nice for you yeah,today, and people don't realize
just how much of an impact thatit has on the relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
It's huge because, like we said before, people do
it when they're dating yeah whynot do it while?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
you're married?
Yes, exactly, it has the sameimpact.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Just because for the brothers, just because you marry
her, don't mean she stoppedliking to receive gifts.
She still wants you to give hernice things.
She still want flowers.
She still want ediblearrangements.
She still want jewelry.
She still wants shoesarrangements.
She still want jewelry.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
She still want shoes for the man, it doesn't have to
be anything expensive yeah, no,it doesn't it doesn't, it's,
it's a, it's the thought thatcounts it's like I'm thinking
about you, yeah, especially ifyou know that they're having a
bad day.
They're, you know they're goingthrough some things.
That's the something small, ifyou know what they like you know
, you know some things that Ilike, and so when you come back
(24:32):
from the store, what I say, yougive me some give me some yeah
you be like?
no, I'll be like man, you know.
I just want to know like you inthe store, did you think about
me?
Yeah, did you see somethingthat I like?
Did you pick anything up?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
it's simple as that I think that's the key.
It shows that you're thinkingabout that person and that's all
they want to know that you'rethinking about that person and
that's all they want to knowthat you're thinking about me.
I remember when you used to goto the store, you would always
bring stuff home for the kidsand they would just go crazy.
It got to a point where theyalways expected you to walk in
and have something for them.
They would what you bring meand I'm looking at them like
(25:07):
what you mean, what we?
bring everybody bring younothing.
But you would pick something upif it was a piece of candy, if
it was a little toy, it was justsomething, and they would get
so excited over that one littlething.
And I think spouses shouldshould even learn from that we
ain't number big kids we're kidsthat grew up right and we still
like to receive things.
If it's a box of candy, yeahyou see your favorite candy yeah
(25:31):
it says I was thinking aboutyou, right?
so, so you're absolutely right.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
It can be something simple thatthey like yeah, that you can
get, and hey, it's the thoughtit's the thought that counts.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Something small, and sometimes I think people think
that has to be expensive it hasto be something big, and it
doesn't have to be not at all.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
And I told a guy the other day, uh, to write a letter
to his wife, write a love note,just just tell her how much you
love her and how much youappreciate her as a wife, as a
mother and all she does for thefamily.
And I said, just put it in hercar so that when she gets in her
car to go to work it's rightthere on the steering wheel or
on the dash, she can grab it andread it as she heads to work.
(26:13):
And I was like, dude, she gonnabe thinking about you all day,
yeah, and just grateful for yourkindness to her.
That might set set the tone ofher day, yeah, but we mean, she
know I love her yeah, she know,but you gotta show her exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And I think one thing we used to do when, um, we just
got to go through a bunch ofcards- we used to give each
other cards all the time, and sowe were going through all these
cards and reading all thesecards and I'm like man, like we
didn't do, we don't do thatanymore.
Yeah, but that's something thatwe used to do.
Another thing you did was, um,you did a scavenger hunt for me
one time I don't even think.
Think it was Valentine's Day, Ithink it was just random.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
No, I think it was on Christmas.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
It was like Christmas morning you did it twice.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Yeah, oh, okay.
I remember the one on Christmaswhere I think I gave you some
money and I had you do ascavenger hunt for the money or
maybe some jewelry or something.
But yeah, we made notes.
I made notes with the boys andyou had to take the clues to get
to the next clue.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Go around the house and find each clue to find the
the prize and that was fun.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
That's something different, right?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
spontaneity so you gotta, you gotta kind of keep it
live, keep it fresh, dosomething different, don't do
the same thing.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Don't do the same old stuff, break out of the routine
yeah do something unexpected.
Yeah, and that was totallyunexpected for me.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Yeah, yeah, when we did that.
Yeah, that was good, okay.
And number seven is uh,minimize the small things oh
yeah, that's dangerous.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
That's dangerous when we say minimize the small
things, what we're saying is youstart to overlook the small
things that annoy you or thatcreate problems in the
relationship.
And that's where people, youslowly start to lose that
connection and that fire in yourrelationship.
When you don't address thosethings or make adjustments and I
(28:07):
think a lot of people tend todo that because they say, oh's
so small, it doesn't matter.
Especially, I don't think itstarts when people get married,
it starts when they're dating.
Yeah, they overlook the smallthings, thinking, oh, that's
nothing, it won't matter, I'mnot gonna worry about I love him
or I love her, it's notimportant.
Then you get married and thatsmall stuff is magnified yeah
(28:29):
and then it's like, oh, I can'tstand this about you, oh, this
gets on my nerves, oh I hate.
And so that starts to sever, ina sense, the relationship where
you're not as close as youcould be, because that little
thing the little stuff is iscausing you to be annoyed or
frustrated with your spouse?
(28:50):
Yeah, that's small stuff.
I know you're thinking aboutsomething I already know I'm
just like, I'm just thinkingabout myself yeah, okay, go go
ahead and say what is it, whatis it?
nothing, come on, what is it.
What is it that I do that?
Something small that doesn'tmake you feel butterflies and
love.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
What is it how?
Speaker 2 (29:13):
many things.
You want me to list how manyyou got.
How many you got.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I'll say there's one thing that just drives.
I think it drives Trey crazytoo.
Okay, but I'm not married toTrey he said something to me
about it the other day.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Trey is our son.
I'm not married to him.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
So I don't care.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
You're wiggling your toes my god, I move my toes
jesus yes, drives me insane.
I'm like you didn't do thiswhen we were dating no, you just
overlooked it because you wasblinded by love and I mean we
didn't live together so youdidn't have opportunity to see
my toes like that, you know Idon't know, but Trey came in the
(29:52):
room the other day.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
He was like can you tell Daddy to come in the room?
I'm trying to watch TV and Ican't watch TV because he out
there wiggling his toes.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I was like baby, you feel my pain.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
No, y'all need to get over it, it's going to be all
right.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
It's just some toes, but I'm just like be still.
Yeah, you'll never be still.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
But I mean, I like to move.
Bodies were made to move, okay,but see, you have all of that
like the toes uh, what else?
The chewing, what else?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
what you would.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah, you smack it, or whatever you said, I do all
of that that.
You said that that happensprivately, um, but you say it
doesn't make you feel all right.
But here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
I try to work on it no, you don't, yes, I do, they
don't no, I.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Just just because you don't see the results you want
to see, doesn't mean I'm notworking on it.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
You're not working I'm working on it.
You've been saying that for 20years.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Anyway, let's get back to helping.
Let's get back to helping thepeople anyway.
So so well, let's, let's, let'sbounce off of that.
So what you're saying is thatsome of these things may not
change, which means I have a lotof things that annoy you, but
you have things that annoy methat are small things, but it
(31:16):
doesn't go unaddressed.
I'm just very forgiving,because the Bible says love
covers a multitude of fault.
I got genuine love.
I don't know, I don't know ifyou no, no, you don't, no, you
still hold out People, love inspite of these faults.
Love them and allow God to help, give you the ability to
(31:37):
overcome the things that youdon't like about your partner.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
It's all good, I learned to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Yeah, but I will say this in all seriousness we
address it.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
But it's not something we ignore.
We ignore and act like it's notthere.
Yeah, you tell me the thingsthat bother you.
I share with you the thingsthat bother me, but we don't let
that hinder our relationshipbecause it's not going undealt
with and I realize you're notgoing to change right, because I
want you to right I'm not goingto change because you want me
to.
We, we have to learn to loveand accept one another just the
(32:11):
way they are.
Yeah, but I think I think don'tminimize those small things like
address them, haveconversations about them, so
that you don't have this pent-upfrustration towards your spouse
and, and you know, then itcomes out in other ways yeah you
, your attitude or your angercomes out in other ways, that
really begins to damage therelationship.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, yeah, so I think that's good.
All right Well listen.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
Thank you all for joining us.
That's seven.
That's seven we gave you allseven.
We're glad you stayed around tohear all seven of these.
This is not an all-conclusivelist, but I think it'll bless
you if you use these and thenjust learn your relationship and
things that you need to work onto keep things hot, keep the
fire hot, keep the spice in it.
Don't lose that.
It's vitally important to yourrelationship.
Listen, if you didn't alreadydo it, make sure you subscribe
(32:58):
to our channel so you never missany of our updated videos.
Also, like this video, sharethis video and give us a comment
below.
We would love to hear from you.
Tell us some things you want toto hear about.
You want to discuss thingsyou're dealing with.
We'd be happy to discuss thatand try to help you navigate.
All right, listen, we'll seey'all at the next one.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us for doing it with the
daniels if you want to keep upwith everything going on on our
(33:19):
channel don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast absolutely, we'llsee you next time.
Okay, and number seven is minimize the small
things.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Yeah, that's dangerous.
That's dangerous when we say,minimize the small things, what
we're saying is you start tooverlook the small things that
annoy you or that createproblems in the relationship.
Yeah, and that's where people,you slowly start to lose that
connection and that fire.
Start to lose that connectionand that fire.
(00:29):
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels, the podcast where we
navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm Charles and I'm Tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Let's dive in together and discover the joys
of doing it with the Daniels.
Hey, thanks for joining us foranother episode of Doing it With
the Daniels, where we helpcouples get it on in life,
marriage and ministry.
We're so glad to have you joinus today.
I'm with my wife, Tisa, and weare ready to jump in and share
some great information with youguys what you got today, baby,
(01:00):
what we talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So today we're going to be talking about seven
reasons couples lose the sparkin their relationship.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Oh, seven reasons couples lose the spark.
I think that's good.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
That is great.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I think a lot of couples lose the spark and never
regain it.
Some do regain it but I thinkfor those that don't, or don't
know how, especially early on inyour relationship, you kind of
wonder when we get to that placewhere the butterflies are gone
and all of the excitement ofmarriage has kind of waned, what
(01:31):
do you do next?
You know, how do you keep thespark alive?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
yeah, I don't think they understand that when you're
dating, you're naturally doingthese things, right, yep, and so
when you come into a marriage,you're supposed to keep doing
these things.
But I think, like you said, youget comfortable with each other
and you kind of like stop doingthose things because you're
living together, you're seeingeach other every day and you're
doing life, and so you just getin this routine of just doing
(01:58):
everyday life together.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So, yeah, I think we're creatures of habit, yeah,
and so as creatures of habit,it's very easy to just get in
like you said, that routine andyou get lost in the routine.
Everything works in the routine, everything seems normal in the
routine, but you don't realizein the routine you're losing
something in the relationship,and so you have to be
intentional.
(02:19):
I think that's a key word.
It takes intentionality youhave to be intentional about
keeping that spark alive.
Intentional about the butterfly.
If you want butterflies, yougot to create butterflies.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
They don't come naturally at that stage of the
relationship but it's so crazybecause we're intentional when
we're dating yep yeah, we'redating, we're going out to eat,
we're going to the movies, we'respending time together.
We're doing all these things.
So why is it?
When we get married, we feellike we don't have to do these
things?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I think it's at when you first started something new
and something fresh you'reexcited about it, but then you
get used to the person, yeah,and you don't think it's as
important, but it really is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
So let's jump in, let's get started and help them.
Okay, so the first one we haveis they stop communicating with
each other.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Oh, that's good.
I think that's vitallyimportant because you can go
through the routine of life.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
And you can be talking.
Like some people think, westill communicate.
Yeah, you're talking.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
But you're talking about life.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
You're talking about work.
You're talking about if youhave kids.
You're talking about kids.
So you're not talking tocommunicate, you're talking
about if you have kids.
You're talking about kids.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
So you're not talking to communicate, you're just
talking, yeah, not to really getto know each other.
Hey, honey, how was work today?
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, fine.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
It's like OK, that's it.
What are we having for dinner?
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Or you're telling them about, like stuff that's
happening at work.
I know men hate that Right.
They don't want a wife to comehome and tell them all the
issues that they have that goingon at the job, yeah, and so
sometimes you can get lost indoing those things and not
really connecting to your spouseyeah, and I will say this women
do like to come home, sharewhat went on in their day, their
(03:56):
job, and men just have to learnto realize that that's an
opportunity yeah to communicate,because really what she's doing
is she's being transparent,she's being vulnerable, she's
being open about her day, herfrustrations, what's going on,
what people are doing and whatshe you know.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
I had to learn this.
She wants you to agree with herif she mad at her co-worker.
She wants you to be mad too.
She wants you to tell you sheright, yeah, and I learned that
just listen to you talk aboutyeah, you know this is going on
at work and I used to be likewho cares?
Speaker 1 (04:27):
because I'm really easygoing, I'm like who cares, I
don't hear nothing about that,but I really would always tell
me that this is the, this is whyit's going on, because you are
not stepping up and you're notsaying what needs to be said.
You're going along and so andthat's like I didn't want to
hear none of that.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
I was trying to give you solutions to the problem,
yeah, and solution was beconfrontational.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Uh, you know, it was just different stuff that I
wasn't comfortable with so.
I was like, yeah, I can't talkto him about work.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah but when I learned that that's just a space
for us to connect yeah and sowhen you come home I can't
believe it did that I was like Ican't believe that, that's
crazy.
You was like that's what I'msaying.
And so once I started trying tofix the problem and just had
that communication time with you, you know, just to walk through
(05:14):
it, it began to be a time forus to connect.
Instead of me being like Idon't want to hear that and he
here, here's the solution, let'sfix it.
And you being like he's notlistening, so I don't want to
talk to him, he was just okay,get it out.
When you being like he's notlistening, so I don't want to
talk to him.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
He was just OK, get it out.
When you did switch, I think Iwas more ready to receive what
you did have to say.
If you said anything, versusyou just giving me solutions,
because I felt like you wereactually listening to me.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Yeah, so so I think, like we said, communication.
If you stop communicating,that's going to be a breakdown
of all the areas of yourrelationship.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
So you have to communicate, talk to each other,
not just about random stuff butreally talking to each other
talking about what's going onwith each other, yeah enter each
other's world is how I like tosay it.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Enter your partner's world, really.
Get to know them.
Find out what they're thinking,what they're thinking about how
they're feeling, how they'refeeling about life, how they're
feeling about the marriage, howdo they feel about the children,
how do they feel about justeverything going on, how they
feel about themselves, like mostcouples don't talk about.
Like, how do you feel about you, what are you feeling, what are
you experiencing?
Speaker 1 (06:14):
where, where it goes, yeah, what do you want to do in
life?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
you know, because we change yeah, when we get married
, we continue to evolve.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
We continue to change .
So it's always good, becauseyour spouse is not going to be
the same person they were whenyou first met or when you first
got married.
So things are going to change.
They're going to change theirlikes, going to change their
dislikes.
Because I remember one thing Ithink I used to say I liked
flowers, right.
But then when you startedbuying me flowers, I was like,
(06:42):
yeah, I don't like flowers.
No, more.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yeah, I think I bought you flowers maybe once or
twice early on and you was likeit was cute the first time, but
then you was like you know, Ireally don't like flowers.
Okay, I don't like them no more.
And that's when I had to switchout and find something you did
like.
That's when I started doinglike edible arrangements.
I was like, oh she look, I'venever had a problem with edible
arrangements because you lovefruit, I love fruit, so it's.
It's just getting to know yourspouse staying in tune with
(07:05):
what's going on andcommunication right, as well as
awareness.
You know communication is a bigpart, but also just being aware,
watching how they change, playsa big role.
Yeah, so I think communicationis key.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It is very keeping things going, yeah just deep
communication yeah like we saidearlier, not surface level
definitely all right.
So number two is they stopdating.
Oh, that's a big one that is abig one because I think, um, you
can get so caught up in theroutine of life, yep of doing,
um, just doing life togetherwith kids and you know, having a
(07:37):
job and just going to workevery day, coming home doing the
same things the cooking, thecleaning and it can just get
tedious and mundane and boringboring yes, that's the word very
, very boring um, and so youstop dating one another and it's
like you don't remember that,the things that you did when you
, you know, before you gotmarried.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You need to do those things isn't it crazy how easily
you just like start doingmarriage, life and the routine
of life and you forget, hey, weneed to enjoy life.
Yeah, at the same time, becausewhen you're dating somebody,
all you're thinking about ishaving a good time.
Yeah, you're not thinking aboutpaying bills, going to work.
You're thinking about I want tohave a good time with this
(08:17):
person.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Spend time with this person I can't wait to see this
person you know, I'm what we'redoing.
We're we going here, we goingthere.
So yeah and I think for us.
We got into that web of notdating just doing life and it
was kind of crazy for us yeahlike you said, it became mundane
it became boring, and I meanboth of us.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
We kind of hit that place of our marriage.
Our relationship was like justblah yeah it was like no
excitement to it, no livelinessto it, and then we started to
notice how it affected us.
We were just kind of disengagedyeah we, we became I like to
say it like this we becameroommates you know, in a sense
we weren't roommates.
But you start to feel thatroommate feeling of and I was
(08:58):
like I didn't get married tohave a roommate I got married to
have a wife and he was like Igot married to have a husband,
so we had to do something.
And what did we do we?
We planned a date.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
We did plan a date, but you know, I think for us you
have to make sure that youdon't put expectation on whose
job it is to do the dating umschedule, and so I was looking
for you to plan all the datesand you were like just whatever
we gonna do you just let me know, and I'm just like.
I just felt like I wasn't goodat that, at doing that.
(09:27):
So we had to work through allof that who's gonna plan the
dates, how we're gonna, howwe're gonna do it, why we're
gonna put it on the calendar,and all of that.
But we realized that we had toplan ahead in order to to do it
yeah, and dating can be simple.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
yeah, it can be inexpensive or it can be
extravagant.
Yeah, it's really up to thecouple, whatever they want to do
.
I think that's the key.
Find out what your partnerlikes to do.
Mm-hmm.
What does your spouse enjoy?
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Do that.
That's what you did when youwere dating.
Yeah, before you got married,you found out what that person
liked, or you made suggestionsand they said yes, yes, I like
that.
Yeah, and that's what you did.
If it's bowling, bowling can bea date, right.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
If you like to bowl, skating can be a date I like to
skate, you know, yeah, you don'tlike to skate, but I'll go, you
can skate.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
I like to you know the skating part.
I like to skate and hold yourhand but you don't like.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
You like to do a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah, I want to skate backwards with the couple,
because as a kid I couldn'tskate.
So growing up, you know I, whenwe was kids, when they did the
couple skate time in the skatingrink, we had to get off the
floor and I was like, man, Iwant to back skate with some,
with a couple.
You know somebody?
You know, that's all in my mind.
We holding each other on theside, we just skating backwards.
I'm like, yeah, smiling at eachother, but so you know.
(10:41):
I'm just trying to roll.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
I want some old school music or something, and
I'm ready he said some oldschool, what some music did.
I say that Memphis coming outold school music, he said it
like Glorilla music.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Anything can be a date skating.
Going to the park, yeah.
Or just staying home, netflixand chill yeah, you know that
couples should be netflix andchilling yeah, having a great
time couples, marry couples,marry couples.
Yeah, married, married, marriedcouples.
Netflix and chilling you ain'tmarried.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
You get netflix, but don't chill okay, so it's just
so many things you can do.
Going out to eat you know we docar dates and people are like
what's a car date?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
it's where we go get some food and we go back to the
car and we sit in the car and weeat and we talk and we just
talk about us.
You know, we try to avoidchildren.
We try to avoid work.
We try to avoid even when we'repastors.
We try to avoid children.
Yeah, we try to avoid work.
We try to avoid.
Even when we're pastors.
We try to avoid talking aboutministry.
We just talk about us and whatwe want and what we're enjoying
(11:52):
about life and what we want tochange.
Yeah, what, what our goals are.
We just talk about us and havea good time and I think, um, I
mean that's, that's vital for usas a couple, I enjoy it well.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
When did it turn for us?
Us a couple years ago, when wewere kind of not seeing eye to
eye and not dating.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah, yeah, it just took that turn.
I think that one time when itkind of just was like things
really got out of balance withour relationship and we was like
we got to do something, andthat's when we went to Apple, we
went to applebee's, that wasour spot.
They went, we went toapplebee's and we got something
to eat.
And even when we went there, weboth had attitudes.
(12:32):
We were just like whatever, likeI ain't thinking about you,
anything about me, what are wetrying to do here?
But we sat there and we ate andwe started talking.
And out of that, back tocommunication, and out of us
communicating and talking, youknow, the walls came down.
We begin to open up and we justbegin to reminisce about early,
(12:52):
when we started dating.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
Yeah, we reminisce about when we were single and we
talked about our lifeexperiences in high school yeah,
things that went on, things wedated things we did, yeah little
crazy stuff crazy stuff, yeahand I just remember us just
having a great time sittingthere, laughing, talking and
just really just enjoying oneanother.
(13:14):
Yeah, we did.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
I think that was.
That was a defining moment thatreally changed things for us,
when we started to realize weneed to do this more often yeah
we need to be intentional aboutthis because we need this in our
relationship.
We need this in order to keepus connected and to keep that
fire and that spark thereotherwise it can get real boring
.
Like I said, with children andwork, and I mean that's the
(13:38):
majority of your day.
You get up in the morning withthe hustle and bustle of getting
to work, getting children toschool, taking children to the
daycare, whatever you have to do.
Then you go work all day.
You're away from your spouse.
Then you get home you got to goby the store.
Whatever.
You come home you're preparedto cook.
You got to do homework with thekids or get them settled or
just manage them then you got toclean them, get them in the bed
(13:59):
.
You really don't have time foreach other.
It's very easy to to say wedon't have time for each other
right but you have to beintentional about making time.
That's right and that's whatthe dates are about.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
The dates are about making time, yeah and being
together with one another, andwe made time that day.
I think we stayed at thatrestaurant for hours till.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
They closed till they closed.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
They had to really, they had to literally put us out
, but we laughed, we cried.
I mean, I was like laughingtill I cried yeah it was just so
much funny stuff that you knowwas going on, but it was really
good and I think it was likeanother level of connection for
us yeah, and it made me feelgood to make you laugh like that
, just by telling you thoseexperiences that I've had.
(14:38):
Telling you my story, you knowwhat, and I think the good thing
is I got to know you on anotherlevel.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
That's yeah, I think that was key, we got to know
each other.
We were vulnerable yeah we weretransparent, we were open yeah
and it, it just you know it madefor a great encounter or a time
of engagement.
Yeah, for you and I, and it wasa reconnecting and a reigniting
of the fire of our relationshipand it was good.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yes, all right.
Uh, they stopped flirting.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Oh, come on, I'm not good at this, yeah, but you
gotta flirt like I'm great atflirting yeah.
I enjoy flirting with you, yougotta flirt with your spouse
yeah right.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Well, tell how do you flirt, because a lot of people
might not.
I don't know.
It comes natural.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I just can't well, you know I like to.
I just play with you.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
I kind of pick with you.
That's a part of me flirting.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yeah, um, just touching you making jokes with
you, you know laughing and allall you.
That's a part of me flirting.
Yeah, um, just touching youmaking jokes with you, you know
laughing and all all of thatbecause rubbing your hair yeah
is flirting.
All of that you know you.
Whatever shows your attractionor your you're giving attention
to, to your spouse that's a partof flirt.
A smile can be flirty, you know.
(15:49):
A wink can be flirty.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It's all in how you look at them yeah, like the way
you look at me now, it's kind offlirty, is it really okay?
Maybe I'm working on it.
I feel kind of.
I feel like you're kind ofworking on it now, you know so.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
So I think couples have to find what works for them
.
You flirted when you first metthem most couples so figure out
how to flirt now that you'remarried, like your spouse still
wants to feel special yeah theystill want to feel like you're
attracted to them they stillwant to feel like you're giving
them attention, even after yougot the ring.
That's good you know and you'regonna sign the license and we in
(16:23):
the house together, do youstill like me?
Like flirting says I still likeyou.
Yeah, you know, I'm saying lovesaid you know, love is I'm
paying these bills and we, youknow, taking care of you,
provide for you, for me, andyeah, but but I like you when I
flirt with you and so peoplewant to feel like you know, I
know you love me, yeah, but Iwant to feel liked by you.
(16:44):
I want to feel.
I want to feel what I'm justsaying when you flirt with me, I
feel liked, I want to feel likeyou attracted to me, and all
that flirting kind ofcommunicates that so or you can
like uh affirmations.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Is that not flirting?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
yeah, compliments yes , giving compliments, all of
that, okay.
I think all that plays a role.
I think people just have tofind what works for them, how
they flirt, because people flirtdifferent.
Yeah, you know, some people arevery playful and they're
flirting.
You know, some people I've seenflirting.
I'd be like, oh, that'sflirting, that's how y'all flirt
, okay different.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Yeah, I mean, it works for them.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Yeah it worked.
It worked for them.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So you know, you just got to figure out what works
for you as a couple um and anddo that, but I think it's
necessary, I think thatplayfulness yeah that that that
lightheartedness of therelationship needs to be
maintained yeah, I think makingmaking each other laugh too is a
part of it I do good at that,yeah, yeah, you can be real
(17:42):
silly I do good okay so numberfour all right fail to
prioritize time together yeah,yeah, that's a big one.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
You can get so caught up in in making other things
important that you don't makeyour spouse feel important yeah
and I think that's what we haveto be careful of don't put,
don't make work and children andhanging with the fellas or
hanging with the girls or goingshopping.
Don't make or even ministry likeyou can make church.
Church can overpower yourrelationship.
(18:10):
I think early on in ourrelationship, because I've been
in ministry since a teenager,even when we started the church,
I was really focused onministry, ministry, ministry,
and I probably did not give theproper attention to our marriage
that I needed to, and it wasjust you didn't complain about
it.
Marriage that I needed to andit was just you didn't complain
(18:34):
about it.
But through counsel, throughadvice from others that helped
to guide us and navigate that, Irealized I needed to pull back
from being so ministry focusedand make sure I make time for my
family and for my wife anddon't lose sight of that.
That is my first ministry andso that was big for me to you
know, to begin to bring balance.
I don't think my job has everbeen a no, because when I leave
(18:57):
I'm gone no, it's, it wasdefinitely ministry.
Yeah, yeah because I wouldn'tworry about work at all.
Like I'm coming to work, I'mdoing my job, and when, when
it's over, I'm out of here, I'mgoing home yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
So we just need to prioritize to prior, to
prioritize time together yeah ummake time together.
Put it on your calendarschedule time and um just make
that important yeah, make youmake sure your, your spouse,
feels important.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
I think that's key make sure they know that they're
more important to you thananything else okay.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Number five is they disrespect one another.
We already on number five what?
Yes, oh, that's terrible but ithappens because they're not
connecting yes and so when youdon't connect, it's easy for you
to be disgruntled, to get angry, just to feel like you're not
loved and so that you getcomfortable and then you start
(19:52):
to disrespect each other.
Yeah, and that's just that.
That's just not good to be inthat place, and I don't think
you try to do it, but it comesout in your, in your feelings,
right.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Your emotions.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yeah so.
Oh yeah, and you just you endup saying stuff or or not really
respecting, and you kind oflose that.
Please, thank you, the, the,the, the nice things that you
would normally say to him andyou just kind of take them for
granted, I think.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
In those moments.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
I totally agree.
I think when couples first gettogether, they're there, they
bring their representative.
You know they're presentingtheir best, yeah, and they want
you to like them.
So they're nice, they're kind,they're respectful, they're
loving, they show compassion,they do all of that.
But once you get married, youstart to feel comfortable and
(20:45):
it's like well, I got you right,you're probably not going
anywhere.
So if I've been some of myfrustrations on you, hey, you're
probably not going anywhere.
So if I vent some of myfrustrations on you, hey, you'll
be all right.
Instead of maintaining that samestandard of I don't want to
offend you, because that'sreally what it is.
When you start dating somebody,you don't want to do anything
that's going to rub them thewrong way.
You don't want to say the wrongthing.
(21:06):
You don't want to do the wrongthing.
You want to make sure theyalways feel comfortable, that
they always see a side of youthat they like.
You see what I'm saying.
So when you first meet them,you start and you're dating.
That's what you're giving them.
When you get married, you haveto maintain that, because then
you'll start to get into well, Idon't care if you see my ugly
side you bring the ugly out ofme.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
You're gonna see it.
You're gonna see it becauseyou're gonna be together yeah,
24, 7 yeah living in the house,so and you start blaming that
person.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
You the reason I'm this way, you the reason I'm mad
when, no, I'm not the reasonyou behave the way you behave.
Yeah, sure, I may have donesome things that hit you the
wrong way, made you upset, butthat's you, that's a part of who
you are and that's where wegotta navigate.
Yeah, through all of thatthat's good so I think
maintaining respect becomesvital yeah and being intentional
(21:56):
.
Now I will say this althoughwe're going through seven of
these things, you're not goingto always get them perfect.
Couples won't always get theseperfect, but when you're aware
that, okay, I'm, I'm getting offsomewhere right adjust, adjust
and you come back around and youmake those adjustments and you
begin to recover and youstrengthen those areas of your
(22:16):
relationship.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, so I don't want couplesto think, well, I got to work on
this, got to work on that, yeah, we're all working on all of
that and you're not going togive the same attention to
everything.
Sometimes you're going to haveto come back around to some
things and make that work out alittle bit better.
So I think that's good if thisis, if this is helping you.
All this is encouraging youlisten, make sure you subscribe
(22:37):
to our channel so you never missany of our videos and our
updates, and also make sure youlike and share um.
Like, share this, this video,and comment below.
Tell me, tell us, what do youthink we want to hear from you?
We want to hear how this isimpacting you and how it's
touching your life.
So share that with us.
All right, come on.
What number we on?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Number six Lose spontaneity.
That's good.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That is good, that is good.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So I think, when couples lose, that it's the
little things right.
So it's the little things Right.
So it's the little things.
It's the I'm thinking about youis getting to know what they
like and going by the store andjust picking it up for them.
Or if you know that there'ssomething that they want, it
doesn't have to be anything thatcosts a lot of money but it's
just a small thing saying I'mthinking about you and it's like
(23:26):
you're just doing it justrandom, at random.
It's not you know their birthday, it's not you know holly, you
know the holiday, valentine'sday, or anything like that.
It's just um, I'm thinkingabout you and I just want to do
something nice for you yeah,today, and people don't realize
just how much of an impact thatit has on the relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
It's huge because, like we said before, people do
it when they're dating yeah whynot do it while?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
you're married?
Yes, exactly, it has the sameimpact.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Just because for the brothers, just because you marry
her, don't mean she stoppedliking to receive gifts.
She still wants you to give hernice things.
She still want flowers.
She still want ediblearrangements.
She still want jewelry.
She still wants shoesarrangements.
She still want jewelry.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
She still want shoes for the man, it doesn't have to
be anything expensive yeah, no,it doesn't it doesn't, it's,
it's a, it's the thought thatcounts it's like I'm thinking
about you, yeah, especially ifyou know that they're having a
bad day.
They're, you know they're goingthrough some things.
That's the something small, ifyou know what they like you know
, you know some things that Ilike, and so when you come back
(24:32):
from the store, what I say, yougive me some give me some yeah
you be like?
no, I'll be like man, you know.
I just want to know like you inthe store, did you think about
me?
Yeah, did you see somethingthat I like?
Did you pick anything up?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
it's simple as that I think that's the key.
It shows that you're thinkingabout that person and that's all
they want to know that you'rethinking about that person and
that's all they want to knowthat you're thinking about me.
I remember when you used to goto the store, you would always
bring stuff home for the kidsand they would just go crazy.
It got to a point where theyalways expected you to walk in
and have something for them.
They would what you bring meand I'm looking at them like
(25:07):
what you mean, what we?
bring everybody bring younothing.
But you would pick something upif it was a piece of candy, if
it was a little toy, it was justsomething, and they would get
so excited over that one littlething.
And I think spouses shouldshould even learn from that we
ain't number big kids we're kidsthat grew up right and we still
like to receive things.
If it's a box of candy, yeahyou see your favorite candy yeah
(25:31):
it says I was thinking aboutyou, right?
so, so you're absolutely right.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
It can be something simple thatthey like yeah, that you can
get, and hey, it's the thoughtit's the thought that counts.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Something small, and sometimes I think people think
that has to be expensive it hasto be something big, and it
doesn't have to be not at all.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
And I told a guy the other day, uh, to write a letter
to his wife, write a love note,just just tell her how much you
love her and how much youappreciate her as a wife, as a
mother and all she does for thefamily.
And I said, just put it in hercar so that when she gets in her
car to go to work it's rightthere on the steering wheel or
on the dash, she can grab it andread it as she heads to work.
(26:13):
And I was like, dude, she gonnabe thinking about you all day,
yeah, and just grateful for yourkindness to her.
That might set set the tone ofher day, yeah, but we mean, she
know I love her yeah, she know,but you gotta show her exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
And I think one thing we used to do when, um, we just
got to go through a bunch ofcards- we used to give each
other cards all the time, and sowe were going through all these
cards and reading all thesecards and I'm like man, like we
didn't do, we don't do thatanymore.
Yeah, but that's something thatwe used to do.
Another thing you did was, um,you did a scavenger hunt for me
one time I don't even think.
Think it was Valentine's Day, Ithink it was just random.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
No, I think it was on Christmas.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
It was like Christmas morning you did it twice.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Yeah, oh, okay.
I remember the one on Christmaswhere I think I gave you some
money and I had you do ascavenger hunt for the money or
maybe some jewelry or something.
But yeah, we made notes.
I made notes with the boys andyou had to take the clues to get
to the next clue.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Go around the house and find each clue to find the
the prize and that was fun.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
That's something different, right?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
spontaneity so you gotta, you gotta kind of keep it
live, keep it fresh, dosomething different, don't do
the same thing.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
Don't do the same old stuff, break out of the routine
yeah do something unexpected.
Yeah, and that was totallyunexpected for me.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Yeah, yeah, when we did that.
Yeah, that was good, okay.
And number seven is uh,minimize the small things oh
yeah, that's dangerous.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
That's dangerous when we say minimize the small
things, what we're saying is youstart to overlook the small
things that annoy you or thatcreate problems in the
relationship.
And that's where people, youslowly start to lose that
connection and that fire in yourrelationship.
When you don't address thosethings or make adjustments and I
(28:07):
think a lot of people tend todo that because they say, oh's
so small, it doesn't matter.
Especially, I don't think itstarts when people get married,
it starts when they're dating.
Yeah, they overlook the smallthings, thinking, oh, that's
nothing, it won't matter, I'mnot gonna worry about I love him
or I love her, it's notimportant.
Then you get married and thatsmall stuff is magnified yeah
(28:29):
and then it's like, oh, I can'tstand this about you, oh, this
gets on my nerves, oh I hate.
And so that starts to sever, ina sense, the relationship where
you're not as close as youcould be, because that little
thing the little stuff is iscausing you to be annoyed or
frustrated with your spouse?
(28:50):
Yeah, that's small stuff.
I know you're thinking aboutsomething I already know I'm
just like, I'm just thinkingabout myself yeah, okay, go go
ahead and say what is it, whatis it?
nothing, come on, what is it.
What is it that I do that?
Something small that doesn'tmake you feel butterflies and
love.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
What is it how?
Speaker 2 (29:13):
many things.
You want me to list how manyyou got.
How many you got.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
I'll say there's one thing that just drives.
I think it drives Trey crazytoo.
Okay, but I'm not married toTrey he said something to me
about it the other day.
Speaker 2 (29:26):
Trey is our son.
I'm not married to him.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
So I don't care.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
You're wiggling your toes my god, I move my toes
jesus yes, drives me insane.
I'm like you didn't do thiswhen we were dating no, you just
overlooked it because you wasblinded by love and I mean we
didn't live together so youdidn't have opportunity to see
my toes like that, you know Idon't know, but Trey came in the
(29:52):
room the other day.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
He was like can you tell Daddy to come in the room?
I'm trying to watch TV and Ican't watch TV because he out
there wiggling his toes.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I was like baby, you feel my pain.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
No, y'all need to get over it, it's going to be all
right.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
It's just some toes, but I'm just like be still.
Yeah, you'll never be still.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
But I mean, I like to move.
Bodies were made to move, okay,but see, you have all of that
like the toes uh, what else?
The chewing, what else?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
what you would.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah, you smack it, or whatever you said, I do all
of that that.
You said that that happensprivately, um, but you say it
doesn't make you feel all right.
But here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
I try to work on it no, you don't, yes, I do, they
don't no, I.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Just just because you don't see the results you want
to see, doesn't mean I'm notworking on it.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
You're not working I'm working on it.
You've been saying that for 20years.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Anyway, let's get back to helping.
Let's get back to helping thepeople anyway.
So so well, let's, let's, let'sbounce off of that.
So what you're saying is thatsome of these things may not
change, which means I have a lotof things that annoy you, but
you have things that annoy methat are small things, but it
(31:16):
doesn't go unaddressed.
I'm just very forgiving,because the Bible says love
covers a multitude of fault.
I got genuine love.
I don't know, I don't know ifyou no, no, you don't, no, you
still hold out People, love inspite of these faults.
Love them and allow God to help, give you the ability to
(31:37):
overcome the things that youdon't like about your partner.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
It's all good, I learned to deal with it.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Yeah, but I will say this in all seriousness we
address it.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
But it's not something we ignore.
We ignore and act like it's notthere.
Yeah, you tell me the thingsthat bother you.
I share with you the thingsthat bother me, but we don't let
that hinder our relationshipbecause it's not going undealt
with and I realize you're notgoing to change right, because I
want you to right I'm not goingto change because you want me
to.
We, we have to learn to loveand accept one another just the
(32:11):
way they are.
Yeah, but I think I think don'tminimize those small things like
address them, haveconversations about them, so
that you don't have this pent-upfrustration towards your spouse
and, and you know, then itcomes out in other ways yeah you
, your attitude or your angercomes out in other ways, that
really begins to damage therelationship.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, yeah, so I think that's good.
All right Well listen.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
Thank you all for joining us.
That's seven.
That's seven we gave you allseven.
We're glad you stayed around tohear all seven of these.
This is not an all-conclusivelist, but I think it'll bless
you if you use these and thenjust learn your relationship and
things that you need to work onto keep things hot, keep the
fire hot, keep the spice in it.
Don't lose that.
It's vitally important to yourrelationship.
Listen, if you didn't alreadydo it, make sure you subscribe
(32:58):
to our channel so you never missany of our updated videos.
Also, like this video, sharethis video and give us a comment
below.
We would love to hear from you.
Tell us some things you want toto hear about.
You want to discuss thingsyou're dealing with.
We'd be happy to discuss thatand try to help you navigate.
All right, listen, we'll seey'all at the next one.
Take care, hey, thank you forjoining us for doing it with the
daniels if you want to keep upwith everything going on on our
(33:19):
channel don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast absolutely, we'llsee you next time.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.