March 13, 2025 • 35 mins
Charles and Tesa share valuable insights about what they wish they'd known before getting married, offering a transparent look at the realities couples face and how to navigate them successfully.
• Love doesn't fix bad habits - it often magnifies them
• You can't read each other's minds - clear communication is essential
• Arguments aren't about winning but understanding each other
• Marriage needs maintenance even when things are going well
• Friendship matters more than romance for long-term success
• Money will expose your different approaches and values
• You marry your spouse's family and their dynamics too
• Investing in learning about marriage is crucial for success
• Setting healthy boundaries with extended family is necessary
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I felt like, well, you know, you should know what I
like.
You should know that I want togo out on a date.
You should know, you know howI'm feeling.
You should know to go buy mesomething, bring it home, make
me feel special, like all ofthat stuff in my mind.
I'm internalizing this thingand I'm like he should know all
this.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
You should know I'm a woman.
Be romantic, uh-huh.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels mantid.
Right, welcome to doing it withthe daniels the podcast where
we navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm charles and I'm tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry let's dive intogether and discover the joys
of doing it with the dans.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Welcome to doing it with the Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry what's?
Up, babe, what's up?
You just couldn't, couldn'thelp myself.
You had to jump in.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
That's all right.
I figured I'd do it with youthis time.
That's all right.
So what's up you ready, I am,I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready,
ready ready, ready, ready readythis episode is gonna be good
fun, hopefully um enjoyableengaging.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Hopefully they'll get a couple laughs out of it and
and learn some things yeah, Ithink this one would be good for
couples who are married kind ofto reflect on some things, and
for couples who aren't marriedto really consider some things
uh, as we talk about thisepisode, I think it'd be good, I
think there's some, some goodstuff here.
(01:32):
Um, that'll be beneficial, it'suh well, go ahead.
I don't want to get ahead ofmyself.
I'm excited you?
What are we talking about?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
so we are talking about what we wish we knew
before we got married.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, yeah, yes, I think that's always kind of
something once you, once you'remarried, to reflect on.
You think back to all thethings you wish you would have
known so that you could go intoit with a different perspective
and not get kind of smackedacross the face with some stuff
(02:06):
that was totally unexpected.
When you first get married, youcome into it thinking all we
need is love.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Uh-huh.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
All we need is love, and as long as we love each
other, man, we're going toconquer the world together.
And then you realize, man,marriage is about a lot more
than just love.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yes, so what we found out?
Love does not fix, what badhabits love covers.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
but love covers, but it don't make it all better.
It's some stuff that still gotto be dealt with while we're in
love yes so, so that'sdefinitely good, so, yeah, so
let's talk about that, because Ithink this will help all the
couples you know, whetherthey're engaged, they're dating,
they're married newlyweds it'llreally help them to really, you
(02:51):
know, really hone in thatperspective of marriage and
maybe fine-tune theirexpectations.
Yeah, of marriage.
You know, I think about, justas recently as last night, you
and I, as we laid in the bed, um, preparing to go to sleep.
I mean, at that point ourlights were off, everything was
all lame.
They're really trying to go tosleep but we ended up talking
and I said to you, I said, baby,did you think, when you thought
(03:12):
about marriage, did you thinkabout us laying in the bed and
just talking about life,children, family, like the stuff
that concerns us, celebratingthe joys of what we see god
doing in other people's lives,but yet thinking about the
things that concern us, thatneed our attention?
And we were both like, no, likewe didn't think about this part
(03:35):
.
I think some people call itpillow talk to a certain extent
it's where you know you're thereand you're just talking to your
, to your spouse, about thestuff that concerns you in life,
but you don't think about that.
When you think about gettingmarried, you think about the
love and we're going to build afamily.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
How many kids are we going to have?
Yeah, what are we traveling to?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
But you never think about when life hits.
And this is the person you talkto, this is the person you
confide in this is the personyou build that intimate
relationship with, because it'slikely you don't have this
person you build that intimaterelationship with, because it's
likely you don't have anybodyelse you can talk to no so it
becomes a big part of therelationship.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah, it does, so I don't think we did that in the
beginning I think we did.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I think we did maybe not as much now, but I think we
did a little bit okay.
I think every couple kind ofyou kind of have that,
especially with women.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Maybe it just looked different back then.
Yeah, it was different,different concerns.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Different phase of life when we first got married.
So let's jump in, let's goahead and save our couples,
let's save these couples sometime, some heartache, some
stress, some pain, by tellingthem some things that we wish we
would have known starting outin our marriage or before we got
married.
Okay, and let's, let's do that.
So number one I think we kindof hit on it.
(04:53):
But what do we have?
What's the first thing?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
So the first thing is love, and with that.
So love does not fix bad habits.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, absolutely.
Love doesn't fix bad habits.
As a matter of fact, a lot ofthe things that may annoy you
about your spouse before you getmarried, when you get married,
love doesn't make those thingsgo away.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
It magnifies it.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
It makes it bigger.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And you be looking like oh, my God.
I wish I would have known thisbefore.
I think a lot of people saythat they find themselves saying
that I wish.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
I would have known this before.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I think a lot of people say that they find
themselves saying that I wish Iwould have known this before.
I wish I would have saw thisbefore.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I said I do, or I got married yeah so, as a man, if,
if, like for me, when I get outthe bed I mean when I get in the
bed at night, you know, I kindof slide my socks off and
they're on the side of the bed.
But when, when I got married, Ididn't magically like, yeah,
I'm gonna put my socks in thedirty clothes hamper now because
(05:51):
I'm married it.
No, I get in the bed and theystill hit the side of the bed.
So, whatever habits, whatevertraits, your partner has before
you get married, they'reprobably still going to have
those same traits after you getmarried.
If there's something that yousee about them before you get
married and you're like, oh,that's nothing, I just love them
(06:13):
, okay, it's great that you lovethem.
You love, keep on loving them,because once you get married,
that thing isn't going anywhere?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
no, it's not, and so for me, I think mine was
patience, and so I had to askGod to help me with my patience,
and as far as being married, um, and so that was a big thing
for me yeah, yeah, because youdon't automatically become more
patient with your partner noafter you get married.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
I think people are very patient while they're
dating because they want tocreate that great impression and
I want you to see me as a maidand want to be with me, but then
if your patient is.
Patience is thin once you getmarried.
It's probably gonna get thinner.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
It's gonna get thinner and when you're dating
people show up as their bestself.
They're what we call it theirrepresentative.
They're, they're um that'sanother word that we used to say
, but they're representative,and they're they're um that's
another word that we used to say, but they're representative.
And you showing up as, like,the best, the best you that you
can be in those moments, and so.
But when you get married, itchanges, right?
(07:15):
Yes, yes, you show up and say,hey, this is the real me, let
your hair down and it's kind offlops and it changes and it's
like, oh okay, that's why I belike, why I ain't noticed this
before it's because you gotrelaxed, but you did notice it.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
You noticed it.
You just tried to oh it be.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Sometimes we say, oh, it's okay, it'll be a deal, I
can live with that and everybodyelse around you notices it.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
If it's outward like that, they notice it, like, ooh,
they like that.
You're like, yeah, but I lovethem, okay.
But when you get married it'soutward like that, they notice.
They're like, oh, they likethat.
You're like, yeah, but I lovethem.
But when you get married it'slike I can't stand it.
And everybody you're all yourfriends around, yeah, we told
you about that before youmarried, but you was like but I
love it.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, you're like we weren't that bad yes, it was, it
was just the same.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You just didn't know you just didn't notice it
because you were so in love youdidn't give attention to it.
You thought it would get betteryeah and it didn't.
So you're absolutely right lovedoes not fix bad habits.
So the key to that is whateveryou notice now start working on
it before you get married yeahor if you notice something early
in the marriage, start workingon.
Don't wait till you get mad.
And there's this big blow up toaddress it.
(08:21):
Yeah, address it now, while youso madly in love yes, and you
can do it in a healthy way andsay hey, you know, I don't
really like when you do that orthat's kind of annoying.
I still love you.
I just noticed that you do this.
Is there a way we can adjustaround that and you can do it
before it gets to the pointwhere you endure it?
And then you get into themarriage and you're trying to
(08:43):
just take it and all of a suddenboom or you try and change them
right, or you try to changethat person, yeah yeah, so
that's good.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
So another thing we learned is you can't read each
other's mind.
That's a good one, because when, when we got married, I just
expected you to know certainthings oh my god, you should
know this.
You know and um, and that wasputting a lot of pressure and, I
think, unexpected expectationson you, but you felt like I felt
like you.
(09:11):
Well, you know you should knowwhat I like.
You should know that I want togo out to on a date.
You should know.
You know how I'm feeling.
You should know to go buy mesomething, bring it home, make
me feel special, like all ofthat stuff.
In my mind.
I'm internalizing this thingand I'm like he should know all
this you should know.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
I'm a woman be romantic right, but really, you
know what it goes to.
Sometimes we get comfortable asmen and it's like I got you now
.
So all of what you saying Ishould know and I don't.
I don't know that you itchingfor a date night.
I don't know that you want togo out.
I don't know.
You just want to spend time,yeah, or that you want me to
(09:49):
think about you when I'm out andget a a nice gift, or not,
something expensive, you know,but just something that says I'm
thinking of you.
Um, didn't know it, had to learnit.
Then you know, finally I wouldcome to you, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay, okay, you know,I took it as face value.
You say you okay, you must beokay, not really understanding
(10:11):
no, you're not okay.
And that's where you had toexpress exactly and share.
Hey, this is how I'm feeling.
This is what I'm thinking yeah,this is what I need from you.
You have to communicate as acouple.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
And I had to not expect you to read my mind and
know everything, because youdon't know how I'm feeling, you
don't know what I'm thinking,and so with that I had to calm
down.
I'm like, ok, let me go andtalk to him and tell him Like I
just feel, like I think one onetime I was like I just feel like
we roommates you know what I'msaying, so I expected you to see
it and know it.
(10:45):
But you like what you talkingabout and I'm like, well, we
just going through life, wedon't date, we don't go out to
eat, we don't.
We just don't spend, we're notspending any time together.
And so you can get into thatroutine as a couple, and I'm
feeling like you should know itand see it, and you just going
on like you, you don't noticenothing.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
yeah, and, and we as men, we don't get it and we need
that.
I can remember even moreharshly you saying to me like
you know, I feel like you don'treally pay attention to me until
you want to get in the bed.
Oh, you know, like that's allyou want, you know.
But I think a lot of men I'msaying that for this, for the
sake of a lot of men who may behearing that from their spouse
(11:27):
and trying to figure out likewhat are you talking about?
Like yes, this is a part ofmarriage, yes, it's the part I'm
thinking about and all thatother stuff you thinking about.
You need to vocalize that yeahto me.
So I know that those areconcerns, because no man wants
his wife to feel that way if hereally loves her yeah but we
(11:47):
don't know.
Y'all feel that way because wethink y'all want what we want.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, and we don't not all.
Well, you know, you got somethat are kind of, but a majority
of women.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
It's not.
The man is typically going tobe the driver yeah in that area
of it.
When it comes to sexualintimacy, it's going to be the
man most of the time in ourexperience, but but for women
they want something beyond thatthe intimacy, the, the
non-sexual touch the timetogether and sometimes you have
(12:18):
to express that you can't expectthem to know, you can't expect
him to know.
Yeah, right, because he in hismind hey, I want you, you want
me, let's do it like we married,we in this thing.
Right, let's go and it's notthat they don't want to, and you
, hey, you're a woman, you canspeak to this, but it's just.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
There are other pieces that go around that yeah,
yeah it's the dating, it's thecommunication it's the
connection it's that's what wewant.
We want to feel like we'reconnected to you before all of
that.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Yeah, we could do it I'll even give them this right
here.
This is a gold nugget form, forwe teach this to some of the
couples when we take themthrough um, their their marital
training course, um, and weteach them that about love
between a man and woman.
It shows up different.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Men feel love through sex.
Right, Come on.
This is going to help somepeople for real.
Men feel love through sex.
Women don't have sex becausethey feel love.
Yeah right so when a man wantslove, he wants that expression
of sex.
When a woman feels in love,then she's willing to have sex.
(13:31):
It's not the other way around,and that's why men and women are
so different and you have tofind that balance.
So a man's response, ahusband's responsibility is to
make sure your wife feels love.
Yeah, exactly Because herfeeling of love will cause her
to freely give of herself to you.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Yeah, but for a man he'll.
He don't need none of that.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
In the moment he will feel love.
So I'm telling you that'll helpa lot of couples.
If they can find the balance ofthat and understand how to
manage those expressions andexpectations, it will help them
in that area.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, that's good.
So something else we learned isfight.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Let me say this because it's good too to know
this that in the marriage, ifyou feel something, say
something, because you shouldn'twait for your spouse to crack
the code on your emotions.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeah, that's good, right, don't try to figure me
out.
Yeah, yeah, you should notice.
Figure it out.
Look, look, listen to my bodylanguage.
You see something off.
You know, sometimes they don'trealize things are off right
they just feel like everything'sfine absolutely okay.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Come on, let's go.
I wanted to make sure we saythat yeah that was good.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So the next thing we learned was fights aren't about
winning.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
That's you all day.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Because when we got married and we I mean you know
you don't get married to argue,I was hoping we never have
arguments.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
but we did, but disagreements happen.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Do you have disagreements and they happen
over and over again.
You don't just have one.
No, you know we don't just haveone, you have several, you have
many through the course of the,the marriage.
As long as you're together andyou're growing and you're
changing, you're dealing withlife you're going to disagree
right, because you're not goingto be the same people and you're
not going to deal with the sameissues.
But with that, you have tounderstand that these
disagreements are not, as yousaid, they're not about winning,
(15:24):
which for me, they were onetime it was about winning.
It was about me being right andyou seeing it my way and I was
wrong and we're gonna stay inthis until you see it my way and
for me, it wasn't necessarilyyou was wrong.
It was just that you have tosee that I was righter than you.
I was more right than you were.
(15:47):
That was a trying time.
Let me tell you and so so we hadto kind of navigate through
that.
But I didn't realize, um, thatin winning per se winning the,
the argument or the disagreementevery time I won I was losing
you to a certain extent.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah it's pushing me further and further away.
Yeah, and it and it made me notwant to be able to talk to you
about certain things, becauseI'm like, okay, if I come to him
, he's not gonna number one,he's not gonna hear anything
that I'm saying and he's notgoing to.
Um, he's not going to numberone, he's not going to hear
anything that I'm saying andhe's not going to, he's not
going to change, and it's always, he's right, I'm wrong, and so
it kind of pushed me away.
(16:29):
So when I did have things thatI need to come to you about, I
didn't, because I'm like, what'sthe use?
What am I going to come?
Why he's always going to shutme down.
It's always going to be his way, he's going to you know, and so
I just felt like I just kind ofheld stuff in, I just stopped
talking.
And so it just kind of pushed meaway.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah, and when I began to notice that and when I
began to learn some things justby studying marriage and that
was another thing that reallyhelped me, that and we can add
this this is not on the list,but we can add this to the list.
You this is not on the list,but we can add this to the list.
You need to invest in yourmarriage yeah, I did.
We didn't know that we needed toinvest.
We need to learn about marriage.
We need to learn what it meantto be.
Marriage following the exampleof our parents, whether good or
(17:08):
bad, was not the way to go, youknow, even if we took all their
good traits in marriage.
It still was not, it stillwouldn't serve our marriage yeah
, because we're not them.
We're not them, we're differentwe had to learn the principles
of marriage.
We had to learn why marriagematters and what our roles were
yeah, what the word says, aboutwhat the word says we had to get
other resources, other booksthat could help us, wisdom from
(17:32):
other couples who had learnedand grown through it.
Uh, other podcasts, like we'redoing now for couples.
They can listen to our podcastand learn from us.
This is an investment in yourmarriage, your relationship or
your future relationship.
And we didn't know that.
We didn't know, we knew, wethought we were going to go
through premarital counseling,graduate from premarital
counseling and we're ready to gohave a great marriage and we
(17:55):
found out real fast that, evenwith all the tools, you still
have to learn how to implementand work through your some of
your own baggage or it won'tmatter because I've learned
people have the tools but theydon't use them yep and so that
that is a recipe for disasteryou know what to do and you
don't do it.
Yes, that's not good all right,so we threw another one in there
(18:17):
, but let me let's finish theone.
We were on okay with with.
Fights aren't about winning uh,it's really more so.
Fights are about coming to aplace of understanding.
It's not about winning.
And when you come to anargument with a scoreboard and
you know, I was an athlete, soeverything is about a score, you
know who it was winning you whogonna win.
You know whoever got the mostwins?
is the winner yeah, but in arelationship.
(18:40):
That's not what it's about.
It's not about winning.
If you win in an argument,you've probably lost yeah.
And that's the thing I had tolearn.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
So you were winning, but you were losing.
I was winning the arguments,but you were really losing.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I was walking away with the victory, but you was
losing in the marriage.
I began to notice after aperiod of time, like you said,
the withdrawing the.
(19:09):
It was really a disconnectionthat was beginning to take place
because you were disconnectingyour heart from me, because you
didn't feel heard, you didn'tfeel loved, you didn't feel
valued, because it was alwaysI'm right, you're wrong.
Let me shut you down when wehave a disagreement and you just
get on board with me yeah, yeahand it just that's not marriage
(19:30):
that's not a partnership.
It's not yeah so that's, that's,that's a good thing.
So we don't fight.
Here's the key.
We don't fight to win yeah ifwe're gonna fight, we're gonna
fight to fix it.
Yeah, exactly, we're gonnafight together to make it right
to make it work, not to fighteach other.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Gain an understanding and then work together.
Yes, that's good, all right.
So something else we learnedwas marriage takes work, even
when it's good.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Oh yeah, even when it's good, hey, it still takes
work even when it's good becauseyou can get married and you
think we love each other yeahthis is gonna be great because
we love each other.
It's gonna be wonderful we'regoing to just get married and,
hey, we're having a great timetogether yeah boom, let's, let's
just keep this train rolling.
But what happens when you hit abump in the road?
Speaker 1 (20:20):
yeah, because it's coming it's coming even in a
good marriage you're goingbecause you guys are still
working on to becoming one andyou're changing.
You know, if you've beenmarried for a couple years, uh,
things change, you change, youknow.
So everything changes.
And so just because it's goodnow, like you said, what happens
later on when things happen?
Speaker 2 (20:40):
yeah, and life is going to hit.
Yeah, it can be.
The marriage can be good andlike it could be, something as
simple as it's not bad.
But life may get busy and so,with the business of life, you
stop dating, yeah, you stopshowing love you stop showing
concern kids come along you getwrapped up in the children and
you forget to give attention tothe marriage, like all of that,
(21:03):
and it's stuff that creeps in sosubtle and you don't even
notice it until one day you lookup and you realize we're
different.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
We don't operate like we used to that closeness, that
connection isn't there.
What's going on?
And so you have to givemaintenance, you have to have a
maintenance plan for yourmarriage.
That closeness, that connectionisn't there, what's going on?
And so you have to givemaintenance, you have to have a
maintenance plan for yourmarriage.
Yeah, that's good.
And it's just like with avehicle, right?
You don't wait till yourvehicle breaks down to say, oh,
(21:35):
I should get an oil change.
You know, by that time themotor has froze up, it's gone,
you done ruined it.
Now you need a new vehicle.
And that's what a lot ofcouples do.
They don't know any better.
They get to running with life,and in our case, it's very easy
to get to running with ministry.
Because ministry can beall-consuming.
I mean it can consume your lifeif you're not careful and
(21:58):
having a spouse and a familywhile being married.
If you're not careful and havinga spouse and a family while
being married.
You have to be very carefulthat you don't lose yourself or
lose your family in ministry,yeah, but but you have to have
those maintenance pieces in themarriage where you kind of
unplug and spend time with yourfamily, spend time with your,
with your wife, even now, with,even with our youngest son, just
(22:21):
with us, with the walks that wedo, walking with him has been
so nice.
That's just time, Because he'sin school, he does school work,
we're doing ministry stuff, butthat's our time.
That's not about ministry.
That's not necessarily aboutschool, although we do study our
flashcards sometimes whilewe're walking.
It's really about it's us yeahand I can tell he really enjoys
(22:43):
that time because it's justabout him and us, right, right.
And so you have to have thosemaintenance pieces in for family
and for the marriage, um, thathelp keep it strong yeah, that's
good so.
So, even though it's good, don'tforget, you still have to give
attention and put in the work tokeep it good so something else
we learned was friendshipmatters more than you think I
(23:04):
love that and when I read that,I think, when I hear that, I
think about, uh, the question wewere asked in counseling, in
our marriage counseling, thatthat question really sticks out.
Um that when, um, pastor harrisat true light, church of god in
christ, when he, when he uh wascounseling us through our
marriage, uh course, and we were, we went in there and we were
(23:25):
so in love and we just knew thatwe was ready to be married
because we loved each other.
You know, I think he asked usdo y'all love each other?
You know, are you in love?
And how do you know you loveeach other?
We had all the right answers,we feel like, because all about
love.
And then he asked us a questionthat made both of us pause,
because we never thought aboutit he said all right, y'all love
(23:46):
each other.
That's good.
He said do you like each other?
And I think we both paused andlooked at each other it was like
what does like have to do withmarriage.
But we found out like has a lotto do with it because you might
be crazy in love.
(24:08):
But what do you do when?
you don't feel the love when youdon't feel the love, because
love is not really a feeling,right?
Love is one of those thingswhere you back up and you're
like wait a minute those daysthat come where hey, feeling so
in love with you, um, but if Ilike you yeah, we're gonna be
(24:29):
all right, I still like you evenwhen I'm not feeling you.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Yeah, that's it right there, because you fall in out
of love right all the time well,I won't say you fall in, I love
you, just don't would you sayyou know, yeah, you know it's
hard to express that's why itfeels like you fall in out of
love, but I think it's the youdon't feel.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah, you know it's hard to express.
That's why it feels like youfall in out of love, but I think
it's the you don't feel yeahyou don't feel in love.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you still love them, yeah, but you just don't
feel.
Because somebody asked one timeabout y'all still got
butterflies and we like, we feelbutterflies but I guess that's
you know, that's how they, they,that's what they think, like
you know, since you lovesomebody, you, you're married,
that you just got thesebutterflies all the time.
That's like you know, whenyou're newly dating, newly
(25:13):
married you know all of that,but you still love them, and
every now and then you get thebutterflies back every now and
then.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yeah, you know you're going to date night you have a
good conversation, you connect,you feel out Okay, this feels
good.
You know, people just have toremember romance won't get you
through everything, that's right.
But when you like each otherand your friends that will get
you through some of the hardtimes of the marriage or the
(25:41):
relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, being friends is really really important,
because you you can open up, youknow you trust more and, um, I
just I, I like that part of it.
I feel like you should alwaystry to be friends first and then
everything else flows from that.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I think when people think about friendship um
, last point on this they shouldlaugh together, talk, have
great conversations together,enjoy one another's company and
make those things a priority.
And I think if they do that,the love is going to always be
there and the likability, or Ishould say the friendship, needs
(26:19):
to be maintained as well, andit'll get you through all of the
phases of that relationshipwith the help of God.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
And another thing we learnedwas money will expose your
differences.
Yeah, money will expose how youdiffer Money will expose a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
You'll know who's the spender, who's the saver.
We learned that early on, yeah,so.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I was trying to be the saver, savior, and you were
trying to be the.
You were the spender back then.
Yeah, I mean hey, you was thisthe spender, slash risk taker
yeah, yeah, I would take risk.
I wasn't crazy but I wouldtrust stuff, I would invest in
things I would.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I would do things.
You know, that was just a partof, but I think you were more.
Let's play it safe yeah let'skeep it safe, and I think that's
just part of being a womanwanting security.
Yeah, let's make sure we don.
I think that's just part ofbeing a woman wanting security
yeah, let's make sure we don'tput any our quality of life at
risk, right, and so I get that,and that's once we learn to
balance those two things so wecan have things, but we need to
(27:16):
balance um things at the sametime exactly, so that was good
Speaker 1 (27:21):
yeah, I think we learned that, um, but I think
it's changed.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah, well, we found the balance, yeah we found the
balance of, so now we use eachother's strengths when it comes
to money, and it helps us tostay in a secure place while at
the same time not limiting ourlife from doing things that we
want to do or, you know, tryingthings.
So it's good, and I think withthis, couples just have to talk
about money yeah we talked aboutit.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
You know we didn't always agree at paying the bills
.
Who's better at this, who'sbetter at that, who should do
this, and it worked out once westart putting those things in
place.
But in in the beginning it waskind of all over the place.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
The key is remembering.
Avoiding doesn't make it goaway no don't avoid money
problems.
Talk about, talk about them,that's good, the next thing is.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Well, I'll say the next thing we learn you marry,
this is not an all-inclusive.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It's so much more than we could discuss.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah and so one of the things we learned was you
marry the family too.
So you, you got all my folkshey it.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
We're both affected by our each other's families.
Yeah, it plays a role.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, so coming into this, you didn't think that you
was like I'm just marrying youjust I'm married, yeah but you
didn't realize you were gettingme and and all these other folks
, the parents, the siblings, the, the cousins yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Look, I adopted the grandparents.
I'll take them too.
You get all of them, becausethose people matter to you.
Those people are important toyou and if I'm marrying you and
they're important to you, youdon't cut them off.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
When we get married.
That's not how marriage andfamily is coming together.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
That's not how it works.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And same with me.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
You got my family.
Hey, I'm okay with it.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
You got all of what you can say, all of whoever they
are.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I got all of whoever you have, it's a part of it.
So I think it's important forcouples to meet the other
partner's family.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
So you know what you're getting into now, you
should not let the family.
They need to know their role,yeah, and as a spouse, you need
to know what the boundary oftheir role and influence is in
the marriage yeah, otherwise itcan be detrimental to the
marriage but understand thatwhatever goes on with that
(29:43):
family is going to affect yourspouse exactly, and you got to
be prepared to walk through thatwith them.
Uh, even to the point that, what?
What does it look like?
We don't have to go into detailabout it, but what does it look
like if that, if your partnerspouse of?
So it's sorry, if your spouse'sfamily needs help and your
spouse is able to help them, areyou supportive or are you?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
no, that's, that's your problem, that's their
problem I mean that's going tocreate tension in your family
yeah, now you need boundariesyou need boundaries.
I was getting ready to say thatyou need boundaries.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
You need to know to what extent you can help, but
you also need to need to beaware of the help you're willing
to give and how supportive yourspouse is going to be with you
yeah yeah it's kind of like ifif something happened with my
mother and she needed to comelive with me.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Well, I can't be like she ain't coming to live with
us.
You know I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
I mean you can, but I'll be like, I'm like what,
what you, what you, what youmean where's?
she gonna go I got, I got a roomfor what you mean?
She can't go, it's gonna createtension.
Yeah, right now, even if it'stemporary, you know, while we
work on some of the adjustments,as a parent my parents she
shouldn't have to look.
She shouldn't have to beconcerned about where she's
(30:59):
gonna sleep.
If something happens with hersituation, right same with you.
If something happens with yourmother situation, she shouldn't
have to wonder yeah, if she hassomewhere to go right you know
what I'm saying.
That's just, though, but thoseare things that need to be
discussed.
They need to be discussedbeforehand.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Um, because that's things that you don't think
about, right, you don't think wedon't think about.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Yeah, yeah, but you don't realize that what life
happens, life happens and thereare people, if god blesses us,
there are people who may need usfor a temporary period of time.
Hopefully it's just temporary,right, you know?
But what about when you haveelderly parents?
Yeah, and they need to be takencare of if they're not
(31:40):
financially prepared to have acaregiver.
Sometimes the children becomethe caregiver.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So what does that look like?
Speaker 2 (31:48):
that look like in a marriage I'm telling these are
things that they have consideredbecause you don't, you get the
family.
Yeah, you're committed to thatmarriage life.
Different aspects of life aregoing to show up.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah, and those are things that we normally don't
think about yeah and when you,when you're talking about I'm
about to get married.
You know you're so excited thatyou got to get about to get
married.
But those things come up lateron and you'll be like wow, I
ain't think about none of this.
So some things that we shouldhave thought about, you know um
(32:19):
early on that we didn't consider.
I don't think we consideredthat no, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
It just started happening in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
You know, somebody needs to come stay, somebody
need this, somebody need that,and so we're trying to figure
out how to navigate those thingsnow within the marriage yeah,
so I think it's.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
It's a discussion needs to be, needs to be.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
We need to put that in the marriage counselor.
Yeah, yeah, I think it may comeup.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Set healthy expectations, have healthy
boundaries and just talk.
And work through it before ithappens.
So when it happens you have aplan.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Yeah, that's good.
I like that, alright.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
The only thing I always say you know what I think
is keep family out of yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
The family's a part.
You come together, but don'tlet them come in and start
influencing and controlling.
And if I was you, I do and Iwouldn't take this yeah, no, no.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
We're talking about helping the family yes, if they
need help, yes, but we're nottalking about just just them
being apart, just knowing whatyou have to deal with.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
You got a crazy uncle .
I mean, you just got a crazyuncle, so we at the family
reunion I gotta understandthere's a crazy uncle to be
dealt with yeah, you see whatI'm saying.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
If I got a, crazy aunt.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Hey, you got as a crazy aunt to be dealt with.
Dealt with, you know, and wehave to learn how to navigate
those different relationships.
So it won't all be aboutassisting, sometimes it'll just
be about the dynamics oh, yeah,what goes into yeah being with
the family uh-huh, differentfamily dynamics.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
I think you had to learn that, you know.
Yeah, yeah, I think we both did, you know different family
dynamics play a huge role uh,siblings, yeah, siblings have an
impact.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
Yeah, all of that is a part of it yeah, but it was in
good it was good.
It's been good for us yeah,it's been good wait, we learned
a lot, we did, we had to.
We had to learn through this sowe didn't, we didn't come into
this with all this stuff and,like I said, these are things we
wish we knew before coming in.
Yes to the marriage, but hey,we know now we know now god is
(34:22):
giving us the ability to handleit now our job is to help others
help others.
So while you in love talkingabout I'm so ready to get
married, here are a few thingsto consider before you say I do
jump in there.
Yes, just consider justconsider and have conversations.
If you're engaged, have thoseconversations and be ready to
(34:44):
work through any differencesthat you all may have.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Like I said, this is not an all-inclusive list.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
It's so much more that we could talk about that we
wish we would have known, butthese are just a few things to
consider as you prepare to gointo it, or if you're already in
a relationship to reflect on.
Yeah, it would have been niceyeah, had I known this.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
I think I've said that before.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Wish I would have known sound good, well, listen,
thank y'all for joining us.
Been a great time sharing withyou.
I hope this was helpful to you.
If you think it'll be helpfulto someone you know, share it
with them.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe to our channel and, uh
, never miss an episode that wesharing.
We're doing it with the Daniels.
Can't wait to see you to nexttime.
Take care, and God bless you.
Hey, thank you for joining us,for doing it with the Daniels.
(35:31):
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
I felt like, well, you know, you should know what I
like.
You should know that I want togo out on a date.
You should know, you know howI'm feeling.
You should know to go buy mesomething, bring it home, make
me feel special, like all ofthat stuff in my mind.
I'm internalizing this thingand I'm like he should know all
this.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
You should know I'm a woman.
Be romantic, uh-huh.
Welcome to Doing it With theDaniels mantid.
Right, welcome to doing it withthe daniels the podcast where
we navigate life, marriage andministry.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm charles and I'm tisa.
Join us as we share insights,wisdom and practical advice to
strengthen your marriage,empower your life and enrich
your ministry let's dive intogether and discover the joys
of doing it with the dans.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Welcome to doing it with the Daniels, where we help
couples get it on in life,marriage and ministry what's?
Up, babe, what's up?
You just couldn't, couldn'thelp myself.
You had to jump in.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
That's all right.
I figured I'd do it with youthis time.
That's all right.
So what's up you ready, I am,I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready,
ready ready, ready, ready readythis episode is gonna be good
fun, hopefully um enjoyableengaging.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Hopefully they'll get a couple laughs out of it and
and learn some things yeah, Ithink this one would be good for
couples who are married kind ofto reflect on some things, and
for couples who aren't marriedto really consider some things
uh, as we talk about thisepisode, I think it'd be good, I
think there's some, some goodstuff here.
(01:32):
Um, that'll be beneficial, it'suh well, go ahead.
I don't want to get ahead ofmyself.
I'm excited you?
What are we talking about?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
so we are talking about what we wish we knew
before we got married.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, yeah, yes, I think that's always kind of
something once you, once you'remarried, to reflect on.
You think back to all thethings you wish you would have
known so that you could go intoit with a different perspective
and not get kind of smackedacross the face with some stuff
(02:06):
that was totally unexpected.
When you first get married, youcome into it thinking all we
need is love.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Uh-huh.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
All we need is love, and as long as we love each
other, man, we're going toconquer the world together.
And then you realize, man,marriage is about a lot more
than just love.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yes, so what we found out?
Love does not fix, what badhabits love covers.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
but love covers, but it don't make it all better.
It's some stuff that still gotto be dealt with while we're in
love yes so, so that'sdefinitely good, so, yeah, so
let's talk about that, because Ithink this will help all the
couples you know, whetherthey're engaged, they're dating,
they're married newlyweds it'llreally help them to really, you
(02:51):
know, really hone in thatperspective of marriage and
maybe fine-tune theirexpectations.
Yeah, of marriage.
You know, I think about, justas recently as last night, you
and I, as we laid in the bed, um, preparing to go to sleep.
I mean, at that point ourlights were off, everything was
all lame.
They're really trying to go tosleep but we ended up talking
and I said to you, I said, baby,did you think, when you thought
(03:12):
about marriage, did you thinkabout us laying in the bed and
just talking about life,children, family, like the stuff
that concerns us, celebratingthe joys of what we see god
doing in other people's lives,but yet thinking about the
things that concern us, thatneed our attention?
And we were both like, no, likewe didn't think about this part
(03:35):
.
I think some people call itpillow talk to a certain extent
it's where you know you're thereand you're just talking to your
, to your spouse, about thestuff that concerns you in life,
but you don't think about that.
When you think about gettingmarried, you think about the
love and we're going to build afamily.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
How many kids are we going to have?
Yeah, what are we traveling to?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
But you never think about when life hits.
And this is the person you talkto, this is the person you
confide in this is the personyou build that intimate
relationship with, because it'slikely you don't have this
person you build that intimaterelationship with, because it's
likely you don't have anybodyelse you can talk to no so it
becomes a big part of therelationship.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah, it does, so I don't think we did that in the
beginning I think we did.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
I think we did maybe not as much now, but I think we
did a little bit okay.
I think every couple kind ofyou kind of have that,
especially with women.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Maybe it just looked different back then.
Yeah, it was different,different concerns.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Different phase of life when we first got married.
So let's jump in, let's goahead and save our couples,
let's save these couples sometime, some heartache, some
stress, some pain, by tellingthem some things that we wish we
would have known starting outin our marriage or before we got
married.
Okay, and let's, let's do that.
So number one I think we kindof hit on it.
(04:53):
But what do we have?
What's the first thing?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
So the first thing is love, and with that.
So love does not fix bad habits.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, absolutely.
Love doesn't fix bad habits.
As a matter of fact, a lot ofthe things that may annoy you
about your spouse before you getmarried, when you get married,
love doesn't make those thingsgo away.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
It magnifies it.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
It makes it bigger.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And you be looking like oh, my God.
I wish I would have known thisbefore.
I think a lot of people saythat they find themselves saying
that I wish.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
I would have known this before.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I think a lot of people say that they find
themselves saying that I wish Iwould have known this before.
I wish I would have saw thisbefore.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I said I do, or I got married yeah so, as a man, if,
if, like for me, when I get outthe bed I mean when I get in the
bed at night, you know, I kindof slide my socks off and
they're on the side of the bed.
But when, when I got married, Ididn't magically like, yeah,
I'm gonna put my socks in thedirty clothes hamper now because
(05:51):
I'm married it.
No, I get in the bed and theystill hit the side of the bed.
So, whatever habits, whatevertraits, your partner has before
you get married, they'reprobably still going to have
those same traits after you getmarried.
If there's something that yousee about them before you get
married and you're like, oh,that's nothing, I just love them
(06:13):
, okay, it's great that you lovethem.
You love, keep on loving them,because once you get married,
that thing isn't going anywhere?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
no, it's not, and so for me, I think mine was
patience, and so I had to askGod to help me with my patience,
and as far as being married, um, and so that was a big thing
for me yeah, yeah, because youdon't automatically become more
patient with your partner noafter you get married.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
I think people are very patient while they're
dating because they want tocreate that great impression and
I want you to see me as a maidand want to be with me, but then
if your patient is.
Patience is thin once you getmarried.
It's probably gonna get thinner.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
It's gonna get thinner and when you're dating
people show up as their bestself.
They're what we call it theirrepresentative.
They're, they're um that'sanother word that we used to say
, but they're representative,and they're they're um that's
another word that we used to say, but they're representative.
And you showing up as, like,the best, the best you that you
can be in those moments, and so.
But when you get married, itchanges, right?
(07:15):
Yes, yes, you show up and say,hey, this is the real me, let
your hair down and it's kind offlops and it changes and it's
like, oh okay, that's why I belike, why I ain't noticed this
before it's because you gotrelaxed, but you did notice it.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
You noticed it.
You just tried to oh it be.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Sometimes we say, oh, it's okay, it'll be a deal, I
can live with that and everybodyelse around you notices it.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
If it's outward like that, they notice it, like, ooh,
they like that.
You're like, yeah, but I lovethem, okay.
But when you get married it'soutward like that, they notice.
They're like, oh, they likethat.
You're like, yeah, but I lovethem.
But when you get married it'slike I can't stand it.
And everybody you're all yourfriends around, yeah, we told
you about that before youmarried, but you was like but I
love it.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yeah, you're like we weren't that bad yes, it was, it
was just the same.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You just didn't know you just didn't notice it
because you were so in love youdidn't give attention to it.
You thought it would get betteryeah and it didn't.
So you're absolutely right lovedoes not fix bad habits.
So the key to that is whateveryou notice now start working on
it before you get married yeahor if you notice something early
in the marriage, start workingon.
Don't wait till you get mad.
And there's this big blow up toaddress it.
(08:21):
Yeah, address it now, while youso madly in love yes, and you
can do it in a healthy way andsay hey, you know, I don't
really like when you do that orthat's kind of annoying.
I still love you.
I just noticed that you do this.
Is there a way we can adjustaround that and you can do it
before it gets to the pointwhere you endure it?
And then you get into themarriage and you're trying to
(08:43):
just take it and all of a suddenboom or you try and change them
right, or you try to changethat person, yeah yeah, so
that's good.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
So another thing we learned is you can't read each
other's mind.
That's a good one, because when, when we got married, I just
expected you to know certainthings oh my god, you should
know this.
You know and um, and that wasputting a lot of pressure and, I
think, unexpected expectationson you, but you felt like I felt
like you.
(09:11):
Well, you know you should knowwhat I like.
You should know that I want togo out to on a date.
You should know.
You know how I'm feeling.
You should know to go buy mesomething, bring it home, make
me feel special, like all ofthat stuff.
In my mind.
I'm internalizing this thingand I'm like he should know all
this you should know.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
I'm a woman be romantic right, but really, you
know what it goes to.
Sometimes we get comfortable asmen and it's like I got you now
.
So all of what you saying Ishould know and I don't.
I don't know that you itchingfor a date night.
I don't know that you want togo out.
I don't know.
You just want to spend time,yeah, or that you want me to
(09:49):
think about you when I'm out andget a a nice gift, or not,
something expensive, you know,but just something that says I'm
thinking of you.
Um, didn't know it, had to learnit.
Then you know, finally I wouldcome to you, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay, okay, you know,I took it as face value.
You say you okay, you must beokay, not really understanding
(10:11):
no, you're not okay.
And that's where you had toexpress exactly and share.
Hey, this is how I'm feeling.
This is what I'm thinking yeah,this is what I need from you.
You have to communicate as acouple.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
And I had to not expect you to read my mind and
know everything, because youdon't know how I'm feeling, you
don't know what I'm thinking,and so with that I had to calm
down.
I'm like, ok, let me go andtalk to him and tell him Like I
just feel, like I think one onetime I was like I just feel like
we roommates you know what I'msaying, so I expected you to see
it and know it.
(10:45):
But you like what you talkingabout and I'm like, well, we
just going through life, wedon't date, we don't go out to
eat, we don't.
We just don't spend, we're notspending any time together.
And so you can get into thatroutine as a couple, and I'm
feeling like you should know itand see it, and you just going
on like you, you don't noticenothing.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
yeah, and, and we as men, we don't get it and we need
that.
I can remember even moreharshly you saying to me like
you know, I feel like you don'treally pay attention to me until
you want to get in the bed.
Oh, you know, like that's allyou want, you know.
But I think a lot of men I'msaying that for this, for the
sake of a lot of men who may behearing that from their spouse
(11:27):
and trying to figure out likewhat are you talking about?
Like yes, this is a part ofmarriage, yes, it's the part I'm
thinking about and all thatother stuff you thinking about.
You need to vocalize that yeahto me.
So I know that those areconcerns, because no man wants
his wife to feel that way if hereally loves her yeah but we
(11:47):
don't know.
Y'all feel that way because wethink y'all want what we want.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, and we don't not all.
Well, you know, you got somethat are kind of, but a majority
of women.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
It's not.
The man is typically going tobe the driver yeah in that area
of it.
When it comes to sexualintimacy, it's going to be the
man most of the time in ourexperience, but but for women
they want something beyond thatthe intimacy, the, the
non-sexual touch the timetogether and sometimes you have
(12:18):
to express that you can't expectthem to know, you can't expect
him to know.
Yeah, right, because he in hismind hey, I want you, you want
me, let's do it like we married,we in this thing.
Right, let's go and it's notthat they don't want to, and you
, hey, you're a woman, you canspeak to this, but it's just.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
There are other pieces that go around that yeah,
yeah it's the dating, it's thecommunication it's the
connection it's that's what wewant.
We want to feel like we'reconnected to you before all of
that.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Yeah, we could do it I'll even give them this right
here.
This is a gold nugget form, forwe teach this to some of the
couples when we take themthrough um, their their marital
training course, um, and weteach them that about love
between a man and woman.
It shows up different.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Men feel love through sex.
Right, Come on.
This is going to help somepeople for real.
Men feel love through sex.
Women don't have sex becausethey feel love.
Yeah right so when a man wantslove, he wants that expression
of sex.
When a woman feels in love,then she's willing to have sex.
(13:31):
It's not the other way around,and that's why men and women are
so different and you have tofind that balance.
So a man's response, ahusband's responsibility is to
make sure your wife feels love.
Yeah, exactly Because herfeeling of love will cause her
to freely give of herself to you.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Yeah, but for a man he'll.
He don't need none of that.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
In the moment he will feel love.
So I'm telling you that'll helpa lot of couples.
If they can find the balance ofthat and understand how to
manage those expressions andexpectations, it will help them
in that area.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, that's good.
So something else we learned isfight.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Let me say this because it's good too to know
this that in the marriage, ifyou feel something, say
something, because you shouldn'twait for your spouse to crack
the code on your emotions.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeah, that's good, right, don't try to figure me
out.
Yeah, yeah, you should notice.
Figure it out.
Look, look, listen to my bodylanguage.
You see something off.
You know, sometimes they don'trealize things are off right
they just feel like everything'sfine absolutely okay.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Come on, let's go.
I wanted to make sure we saythat yeah that was good.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So the next thing we learned was fights aren't about
winning.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
That's you all day.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Because when we got married and we I mean you know
you don't get married to argue,I was hoping we never have
arguments.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
but we did, but disagreements happen.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Do you have disagreements and they happen
over and over again.
You don't just have one.
No, you know we don't just haveone, you have several, you have
many through the course of the,the marriage.
As long as you're together andyou're growing and you're
changing, you're dealing withlife you're going to disagree
right, because you're not goingto be the same people and you're
not going to deal with the sameissues.
But with that, you have tounderstand that these
disagreements are not, as yousaid, they're not about winning,
(15:24):
which for me, they were onetime it was about winning.
It was about me being right andyou seeing it my way and I was
wrong and we're gonna stay inthis until you see it my way and
for me, it wasn't necessarilyyou was wrong.
It was just that you have tosee that I was righter than you.
I was more right than you were.
(15:47):
That was a trying time.
Let me tell you and so so we hadto kind of navigate through
that.
But I didn't realize, um, thatin winning per se winning the,
the argument or the disagreementevery time I won I was losing
you to a certain extent.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Yeah it's pushing me further and further away.
Yeah, and it and it made me notwant to be able to talk to you
about certain things, becauseI'm like, okay, if I come to him
, he's not gonna number one,he's not gonna hear anything
that I'm saying and he's notgoing to.
Um, he's not going to numberone, he's not going to hear
anything that I'm saying andhe's not going to, he's not
going to change, and it's always, he's right, I'm wrong, and so
it kind of pushed me away.
(16:29):
So when I did have things thatI need to come to you about, I
didn't, because I'm like, what'sthe use?
What am I going to come?
Why he's always going to shutme down.
It's always going to be his way, he's going to you know, and so
I just felt like I just kind ofheld stuff in, I just stopped
talking.
And so it just kind of pushed meaway.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Yeah, and when I began to notice that and when I
began to learn some things justby studying marriage and that
was another thing that reallyhelped me, that and we can add
this this is not on the list,but we can add this to the list.
You this is not on the list,but we can add this to the list.
You need to invest in yourmarriage yeah, I did.
We didn't know that we needed toinvest.
We need to learn about marriage.
We need to learn what it meantto be.
Marriage following the exampleof our parents, whether good or
(17:08):
bad, was not the way to go, youknow, even if we took all their
good traits in marriage.
It still was not, it stillwouldn't serve our marriage yeah
, because we're not them.
We're not them, we're differentwe had to learn the principles
of marriage.
We had to learn why marriagematters and what our roles were
yeah, what the word says, aboutwhat the word says we had to get
other resources, other booksthat could help us, wisdom from
(17:32):
other couples who had learnedand grown through it.
Uh, other podcasts, like we'redoing now for couples.
They can listen to our podcastand learn from us.
This is an investment in yourmarriage, your relationship or
your future relationship.
And we didn't know that.
We didn't know, we knew, wethought we were going to go
through premarital counseling,graduate from premarital
counseling and we're ready to gohave a great marriage and we
(17:55):
found out real fast that, evenwith all the tools, you still
have to learn how to implementand work through your some of
your own baggage or it won'tmatter because I've learned
people have the tools but theydon't use them yep and so that
that is a recipe for disasteryou know what to do and you
don't do it.
Yes, that's not good all right,so we threw another one in there
(18:17):
, but let me let's finish theone.
We were on okay with with.
Fights aren't about winning uh,it's really more so.
Fights are about coming to aplace of understanding.
It's not about winning.
And when you come to anargument with a scoreboard and
you know, I was an athlete, soeverything is about a score, you
know who it was winning you whogonna win.
You know whoever got the mostwins?
is the winner yeah, but in arelationship.
(18:40):
That's not what it's about.
It's not about winning.
If you win in an argument,you've probably lost yeah.
And that's the thing I had tolearn.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
So you were winning, but you were losing.
I was winning the arguments,but you were really losing.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I was walking away with the victory, but you was
losing in the marriage.
I began to notice after aperiod of time, like you said,
the withdrawing the.
(19:09):
It was really a disconnectionthat was beginning to take place
because you were disconnectingyour heart from me, because you
didn't feel heard, you didn'tfeel loved, you didn't feel
valued, because it was alwaysI'm right, you're wrong.
Let me shut you down when wehave a disagreement and you just
get on board with me yeah, yeahand it just that's not marriage
(19:30):
that's not a partnership.
It's not yeah so that's, that's,that's a good thing.
So we don't fight.
Here's the key.
We don't fight to win yeah ifwe're gonna fight, we're gonna
fight to fix it.
Yeah, exactly, we're gonnafight together to make it right
to make it work, not to fighteach other.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Gain an understanding and then work together.
Yes, that's good, all right.
So something else we learnedwas marriage takes work, even
when it's good.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Oh yeah, even when it's good, hey, it still takes
work even when it's good becauseyou can get married and you
think we love each other yeahthis is gonna be great because
we love each other.
It's gonna be wonderful we'regoing to just get married and,
hey, we're having a great timetogether yeah boom, let's, let's
just keep this train rolling.
But what happens when you hit abump in the road?
Speaker 1 (20:20):
yeah, because it's coming it's coming even in a
good marriage you're goingbecause you guys are still
working on to becoming one andyou're changing.
You know, if you've beenmarried for a couple years, uh,
things change, you change, youknow.
So everything changes.
And so just because it's goodnow, like you said, what happens
later on when things happen?
Speaker 2 (20:40):
yeah, and life is going to hit.
Yeah, it can be.
The marriage can be good andlike it could be, something as
simple as it's not bad.
But life may get busy and so,with the business of life, you
stop dating, yeah, you stopshowing love you stop showing
concern kids come along you getwrapped up in the children and
you forget to give attention tothe marriage, like all of that,
(21:03):
and it's stuff that creeps in sosubtle and you don't even
notice it until one day you lookup and you realize we're
different.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
We don't operate like we used to that closeness, that
connection isn't there.
What's going on?
And so you have to givemaintenance, you have to have a
maintenance plan for yourmarriage.
That closeness, that connectionisn't there, what's going on?
And so you have to givemaintenance, you have to have a
maintenance plan for yourmarriage.
Yeah, that's good.
And it's just like with avehicle, right?
You don't wait till yourvehicle breaks down to say, oh,
(21:35):
I should get an oil change.
You know, by that time themotor has froze up, it's gone,
you done ruined it.
Now you need a new vehicle.
And that's what a lot ofcouples do.
They don't know any better.
They get to running with life,and in our case, it's very easy
to get to running with ministry.
Because ministry can beall-consuming.
I mean it can consume your lifeif you're not careful and
(21:58):
having a spouse and a familywhile being married.
If you're not careful and havinga spouse and a family while
being married.
You have to be very carefulthat you don't lose yourself or
lose your family in ministry,yeah, but but you have to have
those maintenance pieces in themarriage where you kind of
unplug and spend time with yourfamily, spend time with your,
with your wife, even now, with,even with our youngest son, just
(22:21):
with us, with the walks that wedo, walking with him has been
so nice.
That's just time, Because he'sin school, he does school work,
we're doing ministry stuff, butthat's our time.
That's not about ministry.
That's not necessarily aboutschool, although we do study our
flashcards sometimes whilewe're walking.
It's really about it's us yeahand I can tell he really enjoys
(22:43):
that time because it's justabout him and us, right, right.
And so you have to have thosemaintenance pieces in for family
and for the marriage, um, thathelp keep it strong yeah, that's
good so.
So, even though it's good, don'tforget, you still have to give
attention and put in the work tokeep it good so something else
we learned was friendshipmatters more than you think I
(23:04):
love that and when I read that,I think, when I hear that, I
think about, uh, the question wewere asked in counseling, in
our marriage counseling, thatthat question really sticks out.
Um that when, um, pastor harrisat true light, church of god in
christ, when he, when he uh wascounseling us through our
marriage, uh course, and we were, we went in there and we were
(23:25):
so in love and we just knew thatwe was ready to be married
because we loved each other.
You know, I think he asked usdo y'all love each other?
You know, are you in love?
And how do you know you loveeach other?
We had all the right answers,we feel like, because all about
love.
And then he asked us a questionthat made both of us pause,
because we never thought aboutit he said all right, y'all love
(23:46):
each other.
That's good.
He said do you like each other?
And I think we both paused andlooked at each other it was like
what does like have to do withmarriage.
But we found out like has a lotto do with it because you might
be crazy in love.
(24:08):
But what do you do when?
you don't feel the love when youdon't feel the love, because
love is not really a feeling,right?
Love is one of those thingswhere you back up and you're
like wait a minute those daysthat come where hey, feeling so
in love with you, um, but if Ilike you yeah, we're gonna be
(24:29):
all right, I still like you evenwhen I'm not feeling you.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Yeah, that's it right there, because you fall in out
of love right all the time well,I won't say you fall in, I love
you, just don't would you sayyou know, yeah, you know it's
hard to express that's why itfeels like you fall in out of
love, but I think it's the youdon't feel.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yeah, you know it's hard to express.
That's why it feels like youfall in out of love, but I think
it's the you don't feel yeahyou don't feel in love.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you still love them, yeah, but you just don't
feel.
Because somebody asked one timeabout y'all still got
butterflies and we like, we feelbutterflies but I guess that's
you know, that's how they, they,that's what they think, like
you know, since you lovesomebody, you, you're married,
that you just got thesebutterflies all the time.
That's like you know, whenyou're newly dating, newly
(25:13):
married you know all of that,but you still love them, and
every now and then you get thebutterflies back every now and
then.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yeah, you know you're going to date night you have a
good conversation, you connect,you feel out Okay, this feels
good.
You know, people just have toremember romance won't get you
through everything, that's right.
But when you like each otherand your friends that will get
you through some of the hardtimes of the marriage or the
(25:41):
relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, being friends is really really important,
because you you can open up, youknow you trust more and, um, I
just I, I like that part of it.
I feel like you should alwaystry to be friends first and then
everything else flows from that.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yeah, I think when people think about friendship um
, last point on this they shouldlaugh together, talk, have
great conversations together,enjoy one another's company and
make those things a priority.
And I think if they do that,the love is going to always be
there and the likability, or Ishould say the friendship, needs
(26:19):
to be maintained as well, andit'll get you through all of the
phases of that relationshipwith the help of God.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
And another thing we learnedwas money will expose your
differences.
Yeah, money will expose how youdiffer Money will expose a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
You'll know who's the spender, who's the saver.
We learned that early on, yeah,so.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I was trying to be the saver, savior, and you were
trying to be the.
You were the spender back then.
Yeah, I mean hey, you was thisthe spender, slash risk taker
yeah, yeah, I would take risk.
I wasn't crazy but I wouldtrust stuff, I would invest in
things I would.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
I would do things.
You know, that was just a partof, but I think you were more.
Let's play it safe yeah let'skeep it safe, and I think that's
just part of being a womanwanting security.
Yeah, let's make sure we don.
I think that's just part ofbeing a woman wanting security
yeah, let's make sure we don'tput any our quality of life at
risk, right, and so I get that,and that's once we learn to
balance those two things so wecan have things, but we need to
(27:16):
balance um things at the sametime exactly, so that was good
Speaker 1 (27:21):
yeah, I think we learned that, um, but I think
it's changed.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah, well, we found the balance, yeah we found the
balance of, so now we use eachother's strengths when it comes
to money, and it helps us tostay in a secure place while at
the same time not limiting ourlife from doing things that we
want to do or, you know, tryingthings.
So it's good, and I think withthis, couples just have to talk
about money yeah we talked aboutit.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
You know we didn't always agree at paying the bills
.
Who's better at this, who'sbetter at that, who should do
this, and it worked out once westart putting those things in
place.
But in in the beginning it waskind of all over the place.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
The key is remembering.
Avoiding doesn't make it goaway no don't avoid money
problems.
Talk about, talk about them,that's good, the next thing is.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Well, I'll say the next thing we learn you marry,
this is not an all-inclusive.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It's so much more than we could discuss.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Yeah and so one of the things we learned was you
marry the family too.
So you, you got all my folkshey it.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
We're both affected by our each other's families.
Yeah, it plays a role.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, so coming into this, you didn't think that you
was like I'm just marrying youjust I'm married, yeah but you
didn't realize you were gettingme and and all these other folks
, the parents, the siblings, the, the cousins yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Look, I adopted the grandparents.
I'll take them too.
You get all of them, becausethose people matter to you.
Those people are important toyou and if I'm marrying you and
they're important to you, youdon't cut them off.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
When we get married.
That's not how marriage andfamily is coming together.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
That's not how it works.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And same with me.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
You got my family.
Hey, I'm okay with it.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
You got all of what you can say, all of whoever they
are.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I got all of whoever you have, it's a part of it.
So I think it's important forcouples to meet the other
partner's family.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
So you know what you're getting into now, you
should not let the family.
They need to know their role,yeah, and as a spouse, you need
to know what the boundary oftheir role and influence is in
the marriage yeah, otherwise itcan be detrimental to the
marriage but understand thatwhatever goes on with that
(29:43):
family is going to affect yourspouse exactly, and you got to
be prepared to walk through thatwith them.
Uh, even to the point that, what?
What does it look like?
We don't have to go into detailabout it, but what does it look
like if that, if your partnerspouse of?
So it's sorry, if your spouse'sfamily needs help and your
spouse is able to help them, areyou supportive or are you?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
no, that's, that's your problem, that's their
problem I mean that's going tocreate tension in your family
yeah, now you need boundariesyou need boundaries.
I was getting ready to say thatyou need boundaries.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
You need to know to what extent you can help, but
you also need to need to beaware of the help you're willing
to give and how supportive yourspouse is going to be with you
yeah yeah it's kind of like ifif something happened with my
mother and she needed to comelive with me.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Well, I can't be like she ain't coming to live with
us.
You know I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
I mean you can, but I'll be like, I'm like what,
what you, what you, what youmean where's?
she gonna go I got, I got a roomfor what you mean?
She can't go, it's gonna createtension.
Yeah, right now, even if it'stemporary, you know, while we
work on some of the adjustments,as a parent my parents she
shouldn't have to look.
She shouldn't have to beconcerned about where she's
(30:59):
gonna sleep.
If something happens with hersituation, right same with you.
If something happens with yourmother situation, she shouldn't
have to wonder yeah, if she hassomewhere to go right you know
what I'm saying.
That's just, though, but thoseare things that need to be
discussed.
They need to be discussedbeforehand.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Um, because that's things that you don't think
about, right, you don't think wedon't think about.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Yeah, yeah, but you don't realize that what life
happens, life happens and thereare people, if god blesses us,
there are people who may need usfor a temporary period of time.
Hopefully it's just temporary,right, you know?
But what about when you haveelderly parents?
Yeah, and they need to be takencare of if they're not
(31:40):
financially prepared to have acaregiver.
Sometimes the children becomethe caregiver.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
So what does that look like?
Speaker 2 (31:48):
that look like in a marriage I'm telling these are
things that they have consideredbecause you don't, you get the
family.
Yeah, you're committed to thatmarriage life.
Different aspects of life aregoing to show up.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah, and those are things that we normally don't
think about yeah and when you,when you're talking about I'm
about to get married.
You know you're so excited thatyou got to get about to get
married.
But those things come up lateron and you'll be like wow, I
ain't think about none of this.
So some things that we shouldhave thought about, you know um
(32:19):
early on that we didn't consider.
I don't think we consideredthat no, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
It just started happening in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
You know, somebody needs to come stay, somebody
need this, somebody need that,and so we're trying to figure
out how to navigate those thingsnow within the marriage yeah,
so I think it's.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
It's a discussion needs to be, needs to be.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
We need to put that in the marriage counselor.
Yeah, yeah, I think it may comeup.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Set healthy expectations, have healthy
boundaries and just talk.
And work through it before ithappens.
So when it happens you have aplan.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
Yeah, that's good.
I like that, alright.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
The only thing I always say you know what I think
is keep family out of yourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
The family's a part.
You come together, but don'tlet them come in and start
influencing and controlling.
And if I was you, I do and Iwouldn't take this yeah, no, no.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
We're talking about helping the family yes, if they
need help, yes, but we're nottalking about just just them
being apart, just knowing whatyou have to deal with.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
You got a crazy uncle .
I mean, you just got a crazyuncle, so we at the family
reunion I gotta understandthere's a crazy uncle to be
dealt with yeah, you see whatI'm saying.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
If I got a, crazy aunt.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Hey, you got as a crazy aunt to be dealt with.
Dealt with, you know, and wehave to learn how to navigate
those different relationships.
So it won't all be aboutassisting, sometimes it'll just
be about the dynamics oh, yeah,what goes into yeah being with
the family uh-huh, differentfamily dynamics.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
I think you had to learn that, you know.
Yeah, yeah, I think we both did, you know different family
dynamics play a huge role uh,siblings, yeah, siblings have an
impact.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
Yeah, all of that is a part of it yeah, but it was in
good it was good.
It's been good for us yeah,it's been good wait, we learned
a lot, we did, we had to.
We had to learn through this sowe didn't, we didn't come into
this with all this stuff and,like I said, these are things we
wish we knew before coming in.
Yes to the marriage, but hey,we know now we know now god is
(34:22):
giving us the ability to handleit now our job is to help others
help others.
So while you in love talkingabout I'm so ready to get
married, here are a few thingsto consider before you say I do
jump in there.
Yes, just consider justconsider and have conversations.
If you're engaged, have thoseconversations and be ready to
(34:44):
work through any differencesthat you all may have.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Like I said, this is not an all-inclusive list.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
It's so much more that we could talk about that we
wish we would have known, butthese are just a few things to
consider as you prepare to gointo it, or if you're already in
a relationship to reflect on.
Yeah, it would have been niceyeah, had I known this.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
I think I've said that before.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Wish I would have known sound good, well, listen,
thank y'all for joining us.
Been a great time sharing withyou.
I hope this was helpful to you.
If you think it'll be helpfulto someone you know, share it
with them.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe to our channel and, uh
, never miss an episode that wesharing.
We're doing it with the Daniels.
Can't wait to see you to nexttime.
Take care, and God bless you.
Hey, thank you for joining us,for doing it with the Daniels.
(35:31):
If you want to keep up witheverything going on on our
channel, don't forget to like,comment, subscribe and share
this podcast.
Absolutely.
We'll see you next time.
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