November 8, 2024 • 39 mins
As the holidays bring us together, they can also amplify the stress and anxiety of managing food allergies in social settings. In this episode, Dr. Whitehouse provides a comprehensive and specific decision-making framework for navigating holiday gatherings with food allergies. I discuss how to balance the importance of safety with the desire to enjoy this special season, offering actionable strategies for setting and holding boundaries, organizing the day to minimize risks, and communicating your needs clearly to others. Through real-life examples and scenarios, this episode equips you with practical tools to advocate for yourself and manage anxiety, so you can feel empowered to make choices that honor both your health and holiday joy.
Special thanks to Kyle Dine for permission to use his song The Doghouse for the podcast theme!
www.kyledine.com
Find Dr. Whitehouse:
-thefoodallergypsychologist.com
-Instagram: @thefoodallergypsychologist
-Facebook: Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, Food Allergy Anxiety Psychologist
-welcome@dramandawhitehouse.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
squadcaster-jc83_1_11-07-2 (00:00):
This fall and don't feed the fear.
We are talking about advocatingfor ourselves.
Today, we'll talk about how toadvocate for ourselves at
holiday gatherings.
It's that time of year when ourcalendars are busy with get
togethers, which are supposed tobe fun, but can often be
stressful for us.
And no, I'm not talking abouthow to navigate political
(00:20):
discussions.
That is a topic for another showand another psychologist.
I'm going to walk you throughthe approach that I use to
support my clients with handlingfood and their allergies at
holiday get togethers.
I have sort of a loose frameworkthat I use with my clients that
I'm going to share with youtoday can help you get a clearer
(00:41):
picture of what a holiday thatis both safe and happy might
look like for you.
And how to create it.
Speaker (00:48):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence.
squadcaster-jc83_1_11-07 (01:11):
Thanks for tuning back into Don't Feed
the Fear.
We're going to talk about theway that I work through
decisions about many things, butin this case specifically the
holidays with families who aremanaging food allergies.
Many families already do have aroutine in terms of how they
navigate holidays.
That's working pretty well forthem.
Hopefully if that's you, thismight help you tinker with that
(01:34):
a little bit.
If there are things that youwant to shift or change, or it
might help you recognize wheresome of those things are
actually not working for you andyou might like to make bigger
changes in terms of how you,handle things.
It might also encourage you toshift one direction or the other
in terms of recognizing thatwhat you really feel like is a
(01:58):
safety concern might actually beyour anxiety or your child's
anxiety interfering with theholiday looking and feeling the
way that you want it to.
I would encourage you to reallylisten to this with honesty
about your emotions and theextent to which your decisions
are based on the facts versusthe emotions, which can't be
(02:18):
removed from the picture, but wecan consciously choose.
the extent to which we wantthose to be a deciding factor.
If you are newer to the foodallergy life, or if you are not
new, but you really are stillfeeling very stuck on how to
navigate the holidays and how tomake decisions about gatherings,
(02:38):
then I would encourage you totreat this like an actual
exercise that you're going towork through together with me as
if you were in my office.
So if that were the case, Iwould suggest that you get out a
piece of paper.
and have something to writewith.
From low to high, or from thebottom to the top of this page,
we're going to consider whetherwe are low, medium, or high on
(03:02):
two factors.
Separate the paper into thirdswith that bottom third being
low, the middle third of thepage being medium, and then the
top half being considered high.
On the left is how high ourconcern is, as far as safety and
(03:23):
managing the food allergyappropriately.
On the right side of the paperwill be the level of control
that we choose to exert over howthe day unfolds.
Separate it down the middle, theleft hand side being concern and
the right hand side beingcontrol.
(03:43):
First let's focus on the levelof concern.
So on the left hand side of yourpage, start to jot down notes as
I ask you these questions in theappropriate areas, depending on
what.
the information is true for you.
It's not going to be an exactmark.
We're going to find the rangewithin which it seems we fall
(04:07):
depending on these questions.
So number one, obviously themost important thing to consider
is the severity of the allergy.
So questions to ask here are,Number one, what has your
allergist advised you to do?
Of course, I'm never giving youmedical advice in terms of what
is safe for you to eat or whatrisks are okay for you to take
(04:29):
or not okay for you to take, buthopefully your allergist
specifically has.
So keep that in mind if yourallergist has said it's okay to
do this.
It's okay to be around peoplewho are eating this food as long
as your child is not touching itor it's not on its plate, as
long as there's no crosscontact.
If your allergist has said youdon't need to be concerned about
(04:53):
an extreme case such as anairborne reaction.
Make a note of that.
If your allergist has said, yes,your child is a toddler and
based on the information that wehave, your child being in the
phase of life where they'reputting their hands in their
mouth constantly, where peoplemight be kissing your child on
the face, here is the level ofcarefulness that I suggest that
(05:16):
you follow and rate that fromlow to medium to high.
So for example, if yourallergist has said yes, There's
a very high chance of crosscontact if you, you absolutely
must avoid these things, thenthat would be kind of a high or
somewhere in the medium to highand this of course is going to
be the most important factor indetermining how you're going to
(05:39):
proceed with your holidays.
The next thing to consider isyour reaction history.
Always follow your doctor'sadvice.
However, if your experience,your reaction history, or your
child's reaction historysuggests or indicates to you
that a higher level of cautionis needed based on the reactions
(06:02):
that you've had, then Even ifyour allergist has kind of said,
well, that's not very common,that doesn't usually happen,
trust your gut and trust yourown experience and your body's
experience or your child'sexperience.
We want to follow our doctor'sadvice, but many of us,
unfortunately, including myself,have been in a situation where
(06:24):
the doctor didn't really believewhat I knew had happened to my
child's body.
So, on the scale of low, mediumto high in terms of caution and
concern, make a note of that.
If your experience shows thatyou need perhaps a little bit
higher level of caution thanyour allergist has indicated.
(06:45):
Make a note of that in terms ofreaction history.
What was the thing thathappened?
did your child have a reactionfrom contact on the skin without
ingesting the allergen?
Does your child have a historyof cross contact reactions or
things that would be unexpected?
Versus they've been in thatscenario many times and they've
never had a reaction.
(07:06):
Has your child been around theirsiblings eating peanut butter at
the table every day?
Washing all the dishes in thesame sink, it's never been a
concern.
You be the judge of this basedon your life experience.
Another factor, of course,that's going to be important is
what your allergens are.
If you have one allergen, that'sa pretty common one to avoid.
(07:30):
This is a lot easier to navigatethan if you have a long list of
allergens.
And of course it depends on theholiday too and how common your
allergens are for that specificholiday.
If you're just managing A peanutallergy.
It can be pretty easy for peopleto create a meal that doesn't
have any nuts or that's free ofcross contamination because
(07:50):
typically that's labeled welland that's something that other
people can understand reallywell.
Things that get more complicatedare things like How sesame
allergy is complicated now withthe addition of sesame into many
foods that didn't typically haveit or that we wouldn't expect to
have it.
dairy and egg of course arealways difficult to navigate
(08:11):
when people are baking orcooking homemade foods and they
might put a pat of butter andsomething or a splash of milk
and a sauce to thicken it.
Things like that, that peopledon't think of when they're not
managing allergies on a day today basis.
That will be a really big factorand something that you already
know well in terms of how easyor complicated is it for your
particular set of allergens tobe navigated and understood by
(08:35):
other people.
And then last, I want you toconsider the anxiety levels.
Your anxiety level, and ifyou're a parent, also your
child's anxiety level about theallergies.
If you simply will not enjoy theholiday under a particular
circumstance, then it isimportant to acknowledge that.
(08:57):
It can be very difficult whenyour anxiety is high, though, to
distinguish between what feelslike it's truly a safety issue
and what is your fear or youranxiety holding you back from
enjoying and relaxing.
This is not a criticism of youranxiety.
This is not me recommending alet's rip off the band aid
approach.
(09:18):
If there is anxiety that'spreventing you from interacting
in a certain way or enjoying acertain experience.
If we force ourselves or if weforce our children into highly
anxiety provoking situationswith little sense of safety and
control, with little support oragainst their will.
If it's done because ofpressure, not a true internal
(09:39):
motivation to do something andto try to work toward a change
that we want to make, we willmake the problem worse.
We will give the body even moreevidence that it's not safe and
will trigger the nervous systemeven more deeply Which then
leads to the anxiety becomingmore deeply entrenched in the
body.
The goal for a holiday or aspecial celebration is different
(10:00):
from the work we are doing everyday, long term on our anxiety.
We tip the scales more towardenjoyment than toward growth,
because of course, these arespecial days.
We want to enjoy them.
That's the point.
So that said, considerpracticing the expansion of your
comfort zones on the actualholidays as an important part of
(10:22):
changing things, but perhaps along term goal versus an
immediate need.
So in terms of rating this fromlow to medium to high, obviously
your own emotional response andyour own physiological anxiety
response are something that onlyyou can sense, but also Consider
(10:45):
what people have said to you.
Consider what you know to betrue in terms of how you
approach things versus otherpeople with allergies.
And if you know that a lot ofyour avoidance, a lot of your
hesitation is not based on thethings that we've already talked
about, which is your doctor'sadvice and your specific
experience.
But if you're avoiding it, Andyou don't have as much factual
(11:10):
evidence to support the need toavoid that, then there is a high
chance that that is your anxietycontributing to whatever that
behavior is, whatever you'reavoiding or afraid to engage in.
The next thing you're going tomark still on the left side of
the page under the level ofconcern is the support.
(11:30):
Who do you have to help you?
Who will you be surrounded by onthe specific holiday that you
are talking about?
And of course, in this case,we're going to reverse it
because A high level of supportand understanding from our
family and friends and lovedones will help to make us safer.
And a low level of support orunderstanding, judgment,
criticism from the people thatwe're spending our time with is
(11:54):
more need for concern.
So for this one, reverse it interms of where you mark this.
If you have A lot of peoplearound you who don't get it, who
don't take the allergyseriously, that is a high risk.
If you have tons of support,people believe you, people
(12:16):
understand, they try toaccommodate you, they
communicate with you, theyfollow the instructions that
they are given or the requeststhat you make, then that
obviously gets marked on the lowside because that is not
contributing to the level ofrisk that we have of an actual
reaction.
The truth for most of us is thatwe have a mix of this.
Hopefully, you have a few reallygreat people.
(12:38):
Hopefully, even better, most ofthem being really wonderful and
understanding, but most of ushave a mix of the two, which
would put them somewhere in themiddle.
One thing that you can consideris for the specific holiday that
you're thinking about, who, ifyou were to spend the holiday
somewhere else, who would be theprimary person responsible for
(12:58):
the food?
So if that person or thosepeople are the ones who take
your allergy seriously, thenthat's a lower level of concern.
If those specific people are theones who do tend to disregard,
then that would be somewhere onthe higher level.
Once you've marked all of thesethings down, you can see what
(13:20):
it's looking like.
If most of your answers arefalling within one range on the
page, we have a very clearindication of level of concern
in terms of safety surroundingthe allergy.
If they're all over the page,then it gets a little bit
harder.
Obviously we again give priorityto what the doctor has said,
what our body has experienced.
(13:41):
Then we can factor in if ouranxiety levels are higher or
lower than that.
And people that we're dealingwith in the support system
around us.
So now we move to the otherfactor that we're talking about
here, which, if you're doingthis exercise on paper, it will
be on the right hand side ofyour page, and that is.
The level of control that youneed to exert over the holiday
(14:02):
gathering in order to make itsafe.
The highest level of controlthat we can have, of course, is
to do everything ourselves.
So there are different rangesand different ways that you can
do this.
The very highest being, ofcourse, you have it in your
home.
You control the environment.
You make all the food.
(14:24):
You control everything thateveryone's going to be eating.
Nobody else brings anything.
It's lots of work, but it alsogives you a lot of control and
input in regards to exactly howthe day goes.
So this is really high in termsof safety.
The risk and the negative sideof this is that unfortunately,
it can create low connectivityand low enjoyment in regards to
(14:47):
the meal being a family effort,to the meal feeling like a
gathering of people together andcontributing and sharing with
one another.
This is really stressful for theperson who's responsible for
everything.
So oftentimes that's the mom ofthe food allergy kiddo doing
everything.
They're stressed for weeksleading up to the holiday
because they're making lists.
(15:07):
They are calling about crosscontamination, they're shopping,
they're making schedules of whatneeds to go in the oven when and
what can be made ahead of time.
And the whole family reallyfeels that as does the family
when they arrive for thegathering.
Some people can pull it off.
I've tried.
I'm not great at it.
The stress definitely shows andimpacts the people around me.
So this is a call that you haveto make depending on your
(15:30):
situation.
A way to improve that a littlebit is if this is what needs to
happen for you, you can do itall together as a family, as the
immediate family within thehouse, contributing together and
enjoying it.
And.
viewing it as an opportunity tohost the extended family to do
something kind for their lovedones or friends that might be
(15:52):
gathering and to connecttogether over, the food
preparation, the shopping, theplanning, learning to cook with
the kids together.
cooking together can be a reallygreat experience.
So if you need to do it thisway, that's my suggestion.
It makes it slightly lessstressful.
It takes some of the work off ofyour shoulders.
Although if your Children areyoung, it can make, you know,
the work even more, but it canbe a little bit more enjoyable.
(16:15):
And then the enjoyable part ofthe day isn't just sitting down
to eat the meal, but it's reallythe time that you've spent with
your family preparing it, thelearning that they've done in
terms of managing theirallergies and shopping and
cooking safely, and some pridein what they've created and what
they're sharing with everyonewho gathers together that day.
(16:35):
Still pretty high, but a littleless control would be to balance
this out by asking familymembers to contribute in other
ways that are safe.
So, beverages are easy for otherpeople to do safely.
Bringing utensils and plates ifyou use disposable items.
People who want to grab the popand ice if they really want to
be involved but you just aren't.
Comfortable with them doing thefood.
(16:56):
They can get creative and theycan make elaborate cocktails and
mocktails.
They can bring decor.
They can decorate, makeactivities If you're one of
those fun families that doesminute to win at games or, or
silly traditions and gamestogether, or goes for a turkey
trout run in the morning, youcan involve other people who
really want to contribute byasking them to take care of
(17:18):
those things that are still animportant part of the day, but
aren't.
The food preparation itself,another different version of
this is eating on your own andthen gathering with the family,
but not eating with them.
Or you can bring all your ownfood, which is separate from
what the others are eating, oryou can bring all of the food
(17:39):
just for the person who isallergic.
So at my house, we don't do thison holidays, but we've done it
on other occasions.
We often bring my son his ownfood to a get together.
And if it's Something that we'reattending as a family, depending
on the circumstances, we'll allbring our own food as a family,
and we'll all eat the same foodwith him.
So, sometimes, some kids do feelbad if they eat their own food,
(18:03):
some don't care.
But if they do get upset aboutthat, this can really help with
the feelings of being left out,if it's something that we do as
a family together.
But of course that's reallyindividualized depending on each
person.
Slightly different version ofthis is sometimes we'll do this
and then bring one thing that issafe for us to share with
everyone.
(18:24):
So that way we get to enjoysomething with everyone.
Maybe your child will have theirown.
turkey and potatoes andstuffing, but you have brought a
safe cookie or a safe pie thateveryone can share.
If necessary, they can get theirserving of that first, or you
can bring that alreadyseparately wrapped so it doesn't
come into contact with the otherfood, but you've still
(18:44):
contributed to the meal.
You can still sit down and havefun.
Hi with everyone else and enjoythe same food as others if that
feels important to you, whichsometimes it does.
That's fun, especially when kidsare young and especially if they
have hard feelings about whatthey aren't able to eat.
Bring that one safe thing toshare with everyone, but make it
fun.
So beautiful and so deliciousthat everyone is raving about
(19:06):
that amazing pie that youbrought.
Your child feels like theyshared one of their favorites
with everybody.
And they feel again, a sense ofpride and a sense of
contribution to the family meal,instead of feeling like they're
putting people out and thatthey're a burden or they are
isolated.
Another way that this can lookis just doing a small family
(19:27):
gathering with just yourimmediate family.
It's wonderful to gather withpeople.
It's a huge part of ourtradition here in the States,
but it doesn't have to be thatway.
We're not obligated to spendtime with people and.
This doesn't feel good toeverybody, but especially if you
have family who really isn'taccommodating, who isn't
sensitive to your needs and yoursafety, and it just feels
(19:49):
miserable to gather with them,this is a circumstance where I
would really encourage you toconsider this.
It can be really nice, and we'vedone this, On occasion in our
house, not necessarily becauseof allergies, but either our
needs because of illness.
If our schedules have beentougher, there are times when we
have chosen just to stay at ourhouse to make our own food and
(20:11):
just have dinner together, andit creates a different feel that
is really nice and relaxingtogether and just focusing on
each other's company instead ofa huge, chaotic, busy day that
sometimes can be draining.
A reminder within this higherlevel of control in terms of
your decisions, but this appliesto everything you can't control
(20:32):
everyone else.
So I know people who host, theyinvite everyone to their house
and whoever shows up shows up.
Some people might come for apart of the day, some might
decline altogether.
They want their food their wayor it doesn't work for their
schedule, whatever their reasonsmay be.
If you decide you need to gowith this higher level of
control, keep in mind that allyou can do is put out the option
(20:55):
for everyone to gather togetherand if people don't accept it,
then that's their decision andnot yours.
So if we move down and we lookat what would a moderate level
of control over the day looklike?
This is probably where mostfamilies end up.
And there's a wide range of whatthis might look like, of course,
but it's somewhere in themiddle.
(21:17):
It's a group effort.
We have some balance.
Maybe you choose the mostimportant or tricky part of the
meal and you divide it up anddepending on your allergies.
This could vary quite a bit interms of what that would mean
for you.
So, for example, for some, ifyou have nut allergies, the
centerpiece of the meal, like aturkey or a ham, can be really
(21:37):
simple for someone else to makesafely.
So, sure, you make the turkeyand I'll bring the mashed
potatoes or Sure.
If you want to make the mashedpotatoes, I'll give you the
brands or even drop off thebrand of dairy free butter and
milk that's safe for our familyor Here, I'll give you a list of
the brands that we trust thatare safe for us of prepared
(22:00):
foods like frozen pies, frozenor pre prepared dinner rolls,
anything that someone else canbuy and bring, but you can give
them what's safe and what willwork for you and make it really
clear for them.
Another way that a lot offamilies do this is to make the
major players in that meal safe.
So, we're gonna make sure thatthe, the meat, The potatoes and
(22:24):
the stuffing are all safe, andthen everyone might bring a
range of side dishes anddesserts, and within that, you
can find a couple things thatwill be safe for your child to
eat, even if all of the dishesaren't going to be safe.
So you can involve them in this.
You can talk to them aboutwhat's usually at the meal, show
them pictures, you can have themhelp you decide what they want
(22:46):
to eat that day, what they wouldfeel badly about missing out on,
what they don't care about, whatis worth stressing over, and
what isn't.
And then you can make thosecouple of things.
Again, you can always set yourhelping aside and wrap it
separately so that you'recontributing it to the group
meal.
But having your servingseparately, if necessary, and
that way.
(23:06):
There's a balance of safety, butmore inclusion of your child in
terms of there's lots of stuff.
Plenty of food for you to eat.
You're going to have a fullbelly.
I'll make sure I make you thatgreen bean casserole that you
love, even though everythingwon't be safe for you.
Lots of things will and we'llmake it really clear in terms of
what is.
If there are things that aren'tsafe, but that you and your
(23:27):
child want to try, just make anote of it so you can remember
it and try it at home anothertime.
This is an ongoing thing I dowith my kids all the time.
If anyone's ever eatingsomething that we have to say no
to, or we aren't sure about, sowe say no to just to be safe, we
make a note of it.
We find a recipe, we make it athome, we make it even bigger and
better than we saw it.
Or sometimes we try and it flopsand it's a disaster, but we have
(23:50):
fun with it.
And it helps us not to feel soleft out and to feel like we're
missing out when we know that wecan still try that food, just
not right now.
The final area of that rightside of your page, where we're
talking about what's the levelof control that we're able to
exert over the day, would below, For some of us, it's hard
(24:11):
to even imagine, but many peopledo this and it works better for
them.
And that's to hand it off.
It can sound impossible to dosafely, but maybe if your
allergens are rare or they'reamong the ones that are more
simple to manage.
Or if you have someone that justreally gets it and you trust
completely.
Even if your anxiety is reallyhigh sometimes, if you have
(24:32):
trust in that specific person orthat specific resource, the best
thing you can do is to hand itoff to someone else so you
aren't stressing.
So sometimes this looks like arestaurant that is amazing with
allergies or with a certainallergen.
Going to a restaurant or acaterer that is known for being
super allergy friendly.
(24:52):
They absolutely get yourallergens.
They have confirmed that yourallergens are those that they
can work with and you outsourceit all.
Of course, it can be expensive,but all these holiday foods are
expensive.
Let's be honest, groceriesaren't cheap.
So, sometimes this is reallyworth the cost, and everyone can
just show up and have fun andenjoy.
(25:14):
This can also be someone cookingfor you, who's great, who likes
to cook, who has the time andthe space and the freedom in
their home to do it or to cookit and bring it to another place
where they're gathering.
and they can check in and verifywith you if necessary,
throughout the process to helpput your mind at ease.
Again, for some of us, thissounds impossible, but some
(25:35):
people have a really great, Momwho is willing to do the whole
meal Probably someone who'salready familiar with the
allergens and cooking for theperson with allergies already
Very generously to make it all.
It sounds counterintuitive Butif your reaction as a person
with allergies or as a parentwith a child with allergies is
(25:55):
really really highly anxious Andyou can be really preoccupied
with worries each step of theway.
This can actually be a betteroption sometimes because it
allows you to take it completelyout of your brain with someone
that you trust to manage it.
And it feels better that way.
So again, Most likely.
The approach that you use on theright will be somewhere across
(26:18):
from where most of your answerswere on the left in terms of the
level of concern that you have.
But as I mentioned, sometimesit's not.
Sometimes if the anxiety is skyhigh, the best thing to do is
find a very clearly safe andtrusted source and let them take
care of everything.
While you're trying to make thisdecision, of course, you have to
(26:38):
gauge the responses of thepeople around you as you're
trying to arrange this.
So if you ask and somebody isappalled that you would suggest
changing family traditions, theywill not cut out a certain food
that is unsafe for you or yourchild to be around.
That would ruin the holiday.
Then obviously they have givenyou the gift of a very clear
sign that collaborating on themeal for your safety or your
(27:03):
child's safety It's probably notgoing to work out well.
And of course, even when peoplehave the best of intentions,
when we ask them to changethings or do things in a
different way, there are goingto be difficult feelings around
it.
So it's important to acknowledgethat and to make space for
people to express them.
But it's also important for youto acknowledge the way that
(27:24):
people's responses make you feelin terms of if they take you
seriously, if your feelings andyour ability to relax and enjoy
the holiday matters to them, soyou can factor that in and try
to do it in a way that doesn'tallow other people's responses
to spoil your holiday for you.
You can make a note to deal withthe feelings later, commit to
(27:44):
focusing on the plan for now,and then adjusting accordingly
in the future, depending on howthings go with them.
Regardless of what you're goingto be asking, it's important for
you to think ahead to what theboundaries will have to be in
order for you to feel safe andto communicate them clearly to
the people who are going to beinvolved.
(28:07):
People have a lot ofmisunderstandings around the
word boundary, but I want to beclear about what I mean when I
talk about boundaries.
Boundaries are the lines we drawor the circles we draw around
ourselves.
Which say this is the space itis safe and comfortable for me
to interact with you and I getto be Around you or spend time
(28:28):
with you in a way that works forme It doesn't mean that people
have to step into that space.
You're just letting them knowwhere that space is So in other
words if you tell someone Youabsolutely Need a holiday
without these foods Anywherepresent in that meal, then
you're expressing your boundaryWhatever your boundary is, it is
(28:52):
your job to hold to it andenforce it, not other people's
job to obey it.
If you state it very clearly tothem, the next step is to decide
what you're going to do ifpeople don't adhere to that
boundary.
Unfortunately, if you havecommunicated that you need a
holiday without these foodspresent in any of the food, and
(29:14):
you show up, and it turns outthat someone did put it in one
of the meals, what are you goingto do?
There's no right or wrong answerto this, but you should think
ahead so that you have a planwhich will make you feel less
anxious about what you're goingto do if that thing that you
worry about happens.
So if everyone agreed to makefood and bring dishes that don't
(29:34):
have any nuts in them, but thenyou show up and aunt so and so
made a delicious peanut butterchocolate pie, what are you
going to do?
Are you going to leave?
Some people would, and that'sokay.
Some people would might thensay.
We can't have any dessert andleave it at that.
And that's perfectly safe forthe child.
(29:55):
Again, there might be hurtfeelings or there might be some
communication necessary with theperson who made that food to
make things safer in the future.
But it's up to you to determinewhat the response is going to
be.
That specific example couldyield a lot of different
responses from people fromangrily storming out to having a
(30:16):
really kind conversation withher about what had been talked
about before the holiday.
It sounds silly, but some peopleforget that no nuts also
includes no peanut butter, youcan factor all that into the
decision later.
You really have to know whatyou're going to do in order to
maintain your safety if thingsdon't go according to plan.
Sometimes that can be reallydramatic, but oftentimes it's
(30:38):
just a simple decision of we'renot going to eat that or we're
not going to stay as long.
We're going to leave beforedessert but the hurt feelings,
around this stuff are verycommon.
There are things that we canwork through.
So try not to let.
other people's feelings, theguilt or the feelings of
obligation, people trying topressure you into making a
(30:59):
decision or doing the day in away that you're not comfortable
with.
No food or tradition is moreimportant than you or your
child's safety.
So don't ever let guilt orfeelings of obligation pressure
you into making a decision thatyou aren't comfortable with or
certain about, but at the sametime, be careful to distinguish
between your anxiety and what'sactually necessary for safety.
(31:22):
If there is something you aren'tsure about or are worried is not
okay.
Instead of completely shyingaway from that and saying, no,
we can't do that.
Consider trying to solve theproblem or looking into it to
get more information and to geta definitive answer rather than
always choosing to avoid.
(31:42):
It can also be helpful to put itback on the person who is asking
if they are asking for somethingthat you're not comfortable
with.
Sometimes this is a reallyhelpful way to educate them
about what they might not know.
I appreciate you asking.
I haven't actually picked up abox of that in a while and read
the ingredients.
Would you mind taking a pictureand sending it to me and we can
(32:03):
read it together and decide ifwe think it's going to be safe?
Something like that shows thatyou're trying to be open to the
idea.
You are appreciating thatsomeone's trying to contribute
or provide something for you andwork with you and check in with
you about something.
But with a less direct and bluntno than sometimes we're tempted
(32:23):
to do on the other handSometimes a very direct no is
the most appropriate and helpfuland clear thing So sometimes you
can just make a blanketstatement and tell everyone
don't bring any food.
I'm doing everything orEspecially if you have younger
children don't feed him.
Nobody can give him foodWhatever it is.
(32:46):
You're going to do.
However, it is you've decidedyou're gonna lay out this day
and approach it Then, practicesaying the things that you know
you're going to have to say thatday.
Rehearse a line that you or thatyour child can say and that will
feel confident about remindingeverybody, however it is you've
decided to make the day.
Thank you, but he brought all ofhis own safe food.
(33:08):
He's just going to eat what wemade today to make sure that we
don't have any issues withreactions.
This could also sound somethinglike, I appreciate you trying to
include me, but I know you'dfeel really badly if something
made me sick.
It looks delicious, but I'mreally just focused on being
able to relax and enjoy the daywith all of you without worrying
(33:30):
about the food.
So I'm going to just eat thisthing that I know that is safe
for me.
if you really struggle with thispiece of getting family or your
support system on board, this issomething we'll be talking about
more in the future.
I'll be doing an episode ondeveloping the support system
around you to help you manageyour allergies and your anxiety
around your allergies so thatyou do have people to rely on
(33:51):
and don't feel like you'recarrying the whole world on your
shoulders.
So if you don't have that inplace for this year, note that,
and then remember that we canchange it in the future.
You can change therelationships.
You can get people in a betterplace where they are more
educated or more willing to helpyou and more understanding of
what it is you need.
But in the meantime, justremember that it isn't your job
(34:12):
to educate everyone about foodallergies to convince them to
believe you to force them to besupportive or make them
celebrate a holiday in the waythat works for you.
It's just your job to figure outwhat works for you and keep
yourself and your child safe.
Whatever it is you decide to do,make your choices for this year
(34:33):
and then do the work to get youranxiety about it under control
and enjoy the day.
So leading up to the event, youcan do things like visualizing
the day going well, sittingcalmly, breathing deeply,
closing your eyes, and picturingyour family laughing and
relaxing together.
People being supportive of you.
(34:54):
Picture the smile on yourchild's face when they sit down
to a meal that they know is safefor them and they look calm and
at ease.
Or imagine the feeling in yourown body.
Of maybe the weight being liftedoff of something that you're not
sure about.
And you, you aren't sure how tonavigate and how it would feel
to just say, no, you can usethis throughout any phase of the
(35:16):
planning process to help youdecide what's going to be right
for you sitting down andpicturing it and connecting with
your body and how that feels andif it feels like the right
decision for you and then tolead up to the holiday to reduce
the anxiety anytime you start tofeel overwhelmed if you're
worried thoughts get away fromyou or if you're just feeling
stressed about how it's going togo.
(35:38):
You can do this on the day ofthe holiday, at the beginning of
the day, when you wake up,before you leave, on the drive
to wherever you're going, orbefore people arrive, and then
throughout the day, anytime youfeel the stress rising.
And then also remember to manageyour expectations.
It will not be picture perfect,and I think it's important to
remind you that nobody's holidayis.
(36:01):
Everyone has challenges with theholidays.
They are notoriously difficultfor people, not just those of us
managing food allergies.
It's unfortunate, but it's true.
So sometimes when we feel reallystuck and feeling like this is
unfair, why are we the only oneswho can't just go somewhere and
show up and eat and enjoy theday?
You're not in our case, it mightbe that someone might make a
(36:23):
hurtful comment, intentionallyor unintentionally.
Your dish might not turn out.
Everyone might not like the waysomething tastes with your safe
substitute.
But if everybody ends the daysafe and fed, then consider it a
success.
And always the most importantthing, have that epi ready.
Use it if it's needed.
(36:43):
Don't hesitate to use it.
And keep the knowledge that youalways have it with you to
remind you that you know what todo to give you a sense of safety
and control and to help youmanage your anxiety for the day.
And if you need to revisit thatepisode about epinephrine and
our confidence around it, thisis a great time to go back and
(37:03):
do that.
No matter how the day unfolds,remember that what you do this
year, or even what you havealways done, isn't forever.
So do the best you can thisyear, or even just for this
holiday.
once the day is over and thestress has faded a little bit,
assess how it went, what you'dlike to change in the future,
(37:23):
what went well, what didn'twork.
If there are parts of the daythat weren't great, and Or
didn't feel good, make a note ofit and set a goal for shifting
that piece of the day in thefuture.
Even if you don't know how to doit yet, just acknowledge that
it's something that you can workon long term.
Then in time, you can haveconversations with your family
and friends about the events.
(37:45):
You can get their ideas for howto address these issues.
That aspect of the familytraditions, you can ask other
allergy families in real life oronline, you can give yourself a
whole year until that comes backaround again to figure out a new
plan and come up with adifferent way to try to approach
that thing in a way that feelsbetter.
Try not to get stuck in theblack or white thinking of what
(38:05):
you've always done, how it hasto be, or that what you do now
or this year has to be forever.
Get as flexible as you can withyour thinking about it.
Acknowledge and remind yourselfthat dealing with the holidays
and special occasions and allaspects of food allergy
management will be a continuallyshifting process throughout
life.
Thank you.
You for listening and I hope youall have a happy and safe
(38:28):
holiday season.
Three things.
That you can do to help makethat happen.
Are.
Number one, get out some.
Paper and write down theexercise that I described
throughout the episode.
Sometimes.
I'm seeing things on paper helpsus to clarify our solidify
ideas.
And our minds in a differentway.
Number two, ask someone for.
For help.
(38:48):
So many of us have troubleletting other people support us
in the ways that we need.
Whether you want to do it all,but just want someone to listen
to you.
Vent.
Or someone.
I can do something specific tomake the day work for you.
Practice asking openly andgiving people the chance to.
To support you.
Number three.
If this episode was helpful toyou, here's a reminder to
(39:09):
subscribe.
So you won't miss an episode andplease share it with anyone who
might find it helpful.
Uh, it means so much to me thatyou spend time with me and this
holiday.
Season, I'm thankful to all ofyou who have been listening
along the way.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
(39:30):
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda White house.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
This fall and don't feed the fear.
We are talking about advocatingfor ourselves.
Today, we'll talk about how toadvocate for ourselves at
holiday gatherings.
It's that time of year when ourcalendars are busy with get
togethers, which are supposed tobe fun, but can often be
stressful for us.
And no, I'm not talking abouthow to navigate political
(00:20):
discussions.
That is a topic for another showand another psychologist.
I'm going to walk you throughthe approach that I use to
support my clients with handlingfood and their allergies at
holiday get togethers.
I have sort of a loose frameworkthat I use with my clients that
I'm going to share with youtoday can help you get a clearer
(00:41):
picture of what a holiday thatis both safe and happy might
look like for you.
And how to create it.
Speaker (00:48):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence.
squadcaster-jc83_1_11-07 (01:11):
Thanks for tuning back into Don't Feed
the Fear.
We're going to talk about theway that I work through
decisions about many things, butin this case specifically the
holidays with families who aremanaging food allergies.
Many families already do have aroutine in terms of how they
navigate holidays.
That's working pretty well forthem.
Hopefully if that's you, thismight help you tinker with that
(01:34):
a little bit.
If there are things that youwant to shift or change, or it
might help you recognize wheresome of those things are
actually not working for you andyou might like to make bigger
changes in terms of how you,handle things.
It might also encourage you toshift one direction or the other
in terms of recognizing thatwhat you really feel like is a
(01:58):
safety concern might actually beyour anxiety or your child's
anxiety interfering with theholiday looking and feeling the
way that you want it to.
I would encourage you to reallylisten to this with honesty
about your emotions and theextent to which your decisions
are based on the facts versusthe emotions, which can't be
(02:18):
removed from the picture, but wecan consciously choose.
the extent to which we wantthose to be a deciding factor.
If you are newer to the foodallergy life, or if you are not
new, but you really are stillfeeling very stuck on how to
navigate the holidays and how tomake decisions about gatherings,
(02:38):
then I would encourage you totreat this like an actual
exercise that you're going towork through together with me as
if you were in my office.
So if that were the case, Iwould suggest that you get out a
piece of paper.
and have something to writewith.
From low to high, or from thebottom to the top of this page,
we're going to consider whetherwe are low, medium, or high on
(03:02):
two factors.
Separate the paper into thirdswith that bottom third being
low, the middle third of thepage being medium, and then the
top half being considered high.
On the left is how high ourconcern is, as far as safety and
(03:23):
managing the food allergyappropriately.
On the right side of the paperwill be the level of control
that we choose to exert over howthe day unfolds.
Separate it down the middle, theleft hand side being concern and
the right hand side beingcontrol.
(03:43):
First let's focus on the levelof concern.
So on the left hand side of yourpage, start to jot down notes as
I ask you these questions in theappropriate areas, depending on
what.
the information is true for you.
It's not going to be an exactmark.
We're going to find the rangewithin which it seems we fall
(04:07):
depending on these questions.
So number one, obviously themost important thing to consider
is the severity of the allergy.
So questions to ask here are,Number one, what has your
allergist advised you to do?
Of course, I'm never giving youmedical advice in terms of what
is safe for you to eat or whatrisks are okay for you to take
(04:29):
or not okay for you to take, buthopefully your allergist
specifically has.
So keep that in mind if yourallergist has said it's okay to
do this.
It's okay to be around peoplewho are eating this food as long
as your child is not touching itor it's not on its plate, as
long as there's no crosscontact.
If your allergist has said youdon't need to be concerned about
(04:53):
an extreme case such as anairborne reaction.
Make a note of that.
If your allergist has said, yes,your child is a toddler and
based on the information that wehave, your child being in the
phase of life where they'reputting their hands in their
mouth constantly, where peoplemight be kissing your child on
the face, here is the level ofcarefulness that I suggest that
(05:16):
you follow and rate that fromlow to medium to high.
So for example, if yourallergist has said yes, There's
a very high chance of crosscontact if you, you absolutely
must avoid these things, thenthat would be kind of a high or
somewhere in the medium to highand this of course is going to
be the most important factor indetermining how you're going to
(05:39):
proceed with your holidays.
The next thing to consider isyour reaction history.
Always follow your doctor'sadvice.
However, if your experience,your reaction history, or your
child's reaction historysuggests or indicates to you
that a higher level of cautionis needed based on the reactions
(06:02):
that you've had, then Even ifyour allergist has kind of said,
well, that's not very common,that doesn't usually happen,
trust your gut and trust yourown experience and your body's
experience or your child'sexperience.
We want to follow our doctor'sadvice, but many of us,
unfortunately, including myself,have been in a situation where
(06:24):
the doctor didn't really believewhat I knew had happened to my
child's body.
So, on the scale of low, mediumto high in terms of caution and
concern, make a note of that.
If your experience shows thatyou need perhaps a little bit
higher level of caution thanyour allergist has indicated.
(06:45):
Make a note of that in terms ofreaction history.
What was the thing thathappened?
did your child have a reactionfrom contact on the skin without
ingesting the allergen?
Does your child have a historyof cross contact reactions or
things that would be unexpected?
Versus they've been in thatscenario many times and they've
never had a reaction.
(07:06):
Has your child been around theirsiblings eating peanut butter at
the table every day?
Washing all the dishes in thesame sink, it's never been a
concern.
You be the judge of this basedon your life experience.
Another factor, of course,that's going to be important is
what your allergens are.
If you have one allergen, that'sa pretty common one to avoid.
(07:30):
This is a lot easier to navigatethan if you have a long list of
allergens.
And of course it depends on theholiday too and how common your
allergens are for that specificholiday.
If you're just managing A peanutallergy.
It can be pretty easy for peopleto create a meal that doesn't
have any nuts or that's free ofcross contamination because
(07:50):
typically that's labeled welland that's something that other
people can understand reallywell.
Things that get more complicatedare things like How sesame
allergy is complicated now withthe addition of sesame into many
foods that didn't typically haveit or that we wouldn't expect to
have it.
dairy and egg of course arealways difficult to navigate
(08:11):
when people are baking orcooking homemade foods and they
might put a pat of butter andsomething or a splash of milk
and a sauce to thicken it.
Things like that, that peopledon't think of when they're not
managing allergies on a day today basis.
That will be a really big factorand something that you already
know well in terms of how easyor complicated is it for your
particular set of allergens tobe navigated and understood by
(08:35):
other people.
And then last, I want you toconsider the anxiety levels.
Your anxiety level, and ifyou're a parent, also your
child's anxiety level about theallergies.
If you simply will not enjoy theholiday under a particular
circumstance, then it isimportant to acknowledge that.
(08:57):
It can be very difficult whenyour anxiety is high, though, to
distinguish between what feelslike it's truly a safety issue
and what is your fear or youranxiety holding you back from
enjoying and relaxing.
This is not a criticism of youranxiety.
This is not me recommending alet's rip off the band aid
approach.
(09:18):
If there is anxiety that'spreventing you from interacting
in a certain way or enjoying acertain experience.
If we force ourselves or if weforce our children into highly
anxiety provoking situationswith little sense of safety and
control, with little support oragainst their will.
If it's done because ofpressure, not a true internal
(09:39):
motivation to do something andto try to work toward a change
that we want to make, we willmake the problem worse.
We will give the body even moreevidence that it's not safe and
will trigger the nervous systemeven more deeply Which then
leads to the anxiety becomingmore deeply entrenched in the
body.
The goal for a holiday or aspecial celebration is different
(10:00):
from the work we are doing everyday, long term on our anxiety.
We tip the scales more towardenjoyment than toward growth,
because of course, these arespecial days.
We want to enjoy them.
That's the point.
So that said, considerpracticing the expansion of your
comfort zones on the actualholidays as an important part of
(10:22):
changing things, but perhaps along term goal versus an
immediate need.
So in terms of rating this fromlow to medium to high, obviously
your own emotional response andyour own physiological anxiety
response are something that onlyyou can sense, but also Consider
(10:45):
what people have said to you.
Consider what you know to betrue in terms of how you
approach things versus otherpeople with allergies.
And if you know that a lot ofyour avoidance, a lot of your
hesitation is not based on thethings that we've already talked
about, which is your doctor'sadvice and your specific
experience.
But if you're avoiding it, Andyou don't have as much factual
(11:10):
evidence to support the need toavoid that, then there is a high
chance that that is your anxietycontributing to whatever that
behavior is, whatever you'reavoiding or afraid to engage in.
The next thing you're going tomark still on the left side of
the page under the level ofconcern is the support.
(11:30):
Who do you have to help you?
Who will you be surrounded by onthe specific holiday that you
are talking about?
And of course, in this case,we're going to reverse it
because A high level of supportand understanding from our
family and friends and lovedones will help to make us safer.
And a low level of support orunderstanding, judgment,
criticism from the people thatwe're spending our time with is
(11:54):
more need for concern.
So for this one, reverse it interms of where you mark this.
If you have A lot of peoplearound you who don't get it, who
don't take the allergyseriously, that is a high risk.
If you have tons of support,people believe you, people
(12:16):
understand, they try toaccommodate you, they
communicate with you, theyfollow the instructions that
they are given or the requeststhat you make, then that
obviously gets marked on the lowside because that is not
contributing to the level ofrisk that we have of an actual
reaction.
The truth for most of us is thatwe have a mix of this.
Hopefully, you have a few reallygreat people.
(12:38):
Hopefully, even better, most ofthem being really wonderful and
understanding, but most of ushave a mix of the two, which
would put them somewhere in themiddle.
One thing that you can consideris for the specific holiday that
you're thinking about, who, ifyou were to spend the holiday
somewhere else, who would be theprimary person responsible for
(12:58):
the food?
So if that person or thosepeople are the ones who take
your allergy seriously, thenthat's a lower level of concern.
If those specific people are theones who do tend to disregard,
then that would be somewhere onthe higher level.
Once you've marked all of thesethings down, you can see what
(13:20):
it's looking like.
If most of your answers arefalling within one range on the
page, we have a very clearindication of level of concern
in terms of safety surroundingthe allergy.
If they're all over the page,then it gets a little bit
harder.
Obviously we again give priorityto what the doctor has said,
what our body has experienced.
(13:41):
Then we can factor in if ouranxiety levels are higher or
lower than that.
And people that we're dealingwith in the support system
around us.
So now we move to the otherfactor that we're talking about
here, which, if you're doingthis exercise on paper, it will
be on the right hand side ofyour page, and that is.
The level of control that youneed to exert over the holiday
(14:02):
gathering in order to make itsafe.
The highest level of controlthat we can have, of course, is
to do everything ourselves.
So there are different rangesand different ways that you can
do this.
The very highest being, ofcourse, you have it in your
home.
You control the environment.
You make all the food.
(14:24):
You control everything thateveryone's going to be eating.
Nobody else brings anything.
It's lots of work, but it alsogives you a lot of control and
input in regards to exactly howthe day goes.
So this is really high in termsof safety.
The risk and the negative sideof this is that unfortunately,
it can create low connectivityand low enjoyment in regards to
(14:47):
the meal being a family effort,to the meal feeling like a
gathering of people together andcontributing and sharing with
one another.
This is really stressful for theperson who's responsible for
everything.
So oftentimes that's the mom ofthe food allergy kiddo doing
everything.
They're stressed for weeksleading up to the holiday
because they're making lists.
(15:07):
They are calling about crosscontamination, they're shopping,
they're making schedules of whatneeds to go in the oven when and
what can be made ahead of time.
And the whole family reallyfeels that as does the family
when they arrive for thegathering.
Some people can pull it off.
I've tried.
I'm not great at it.
The stress definitely shows andimpacts the people around me.
So this is a call that you haveto make depending on your
(15:30):
situation.
A way to improve that a littlebit is if this is what needs to
happen for you, you can do itall together as a family, as the
immediate family within thehouse, contributing together and
enjoying it.
And.
viewing it as an opportunity tohost the extended family to do
something kind for their lovedones or friends that might be
(15:52):
gathering and to connecttogether over, the food
preparation, the shopping, theplanning, learning to cook with
the kids together.
cooking together can be a reallygreat experience.
So if you need to do it thisway, that's my suggestion.
It makes it slightly lessstressful.
It takes some of the work off ofyour shoulders.
Although if your Children areyoung, it can make, you know,
the work even more, but it canbe a little bit more enjoyable.
(16:15):
And then the enjoyable part ofthe day isn't just sitting down
to eat the meal, but it's reallythe time that you've spent with
your family preparing it, thelearning that they've done in
terms of managing theirallergies and shopping and
cooking safely, and some pridein what they've created and what
they're sharing with everyonewho gathers together that day.
(16:35):
Still pretty high, but a littleless control would be to balance
this out by asking familymembers to contribute in other
ways that are safe.
So, beverages are easy for otherpeople to do safely.
Bringing utensils and plates ifyou use disposable items.
People who want to grab the popand ice if they really want to
be involved but you just aren't.
Comfortable with them doing thefood.
(16:56):
They can get creative and theycan make elaborate cocktails and
mocktails.
They can bring decor.
They can decorate, makeactivities If you're one of
those fun families that doesminute to win at games or, or
silly traditions and gamestogether, or goes for a turkey
trout run in the morning, youcan involve other people who
really want to contribute byasking them to take care of
(17:18):
those things that are still animportant part of the day, but
aren't.
The food preparation itself,another different version of
this is eating on your own andthen gathering with the family,
but not eating with them.
Or you can bring all your ownfood, which is separate from
what the others are eating, oryou can bring all of the food
(17:39):
just for the person who isallergic.
So at my house, we don't do thison holidays, but we've done it
on other occasions.
We often bring my son his ownfood to a get together.
And if it's Something that we'reattending as a family, depending
on the circumstances, we'll allbring our own food as a family,
and we'll all eat the same foodwith him.
So, sometimes, some kids do feelbad if they eat their own food,
(18:03):
some don't care.
But if they do get upset aboutthat, this can really help with
the feelings of being left out,if it's something that we do as
a family together.
But of course that's reallyindividualized depending on each
person.
Slightly different version ofthis is sometimes we'll do this
and then bring one thing that issafe for us to share with
everyone.
(18:24):
So that way we get to enjoysomething with everyone.
Maybe your child will have theirown.
turkey and potatoes andstuffing, but you have brought a
safe cookie or a safe pie thateveryone can share.
If necessary, they can get theirserving of that first, or you
can bring that alreadyseparately wrapped so it doesn't
come into contact with the otherfood, but you've still
(18:44):
contributed to the meal.
You can still sit down and havefun.
Hi with everyone else and enjoythe same food as others if that
feels important to you, whichsometimes it does.
That's fun, especially when kidsare young and especially if they
have hard feelings about whatthey aren't able to eat.
Bring that one safe thing toshare with everyone, but make it
fun.
So beautiful and so deliciousthat everyone is raving about
(19:06):
that amazing pie that youbrought.
Your child feels like theyshared one of their favorites
with everybody.
And they feel again, a sense ofpride and a sense of
contribution to the family meal,instead of feeling like they're
putting people out and thatthey're a burden or they are
isolated.
Another way that this can lookis just doing a small family
(19:27):
gathering with just yourimmediate family.
It's wonderful to gather withpeople.
It's a huge part of ourtradition here in the States,
but it doesn't have to be thatway.
We're not obligated to spendtime with people and.
This doesn't feel good toeverybody, but especially if you
have family who really isn'taccommodating, who isn't
sensitive to your needs and yoursafety, and it just feels
(19:49):
miserable to gather with them,this is a circumstance where I
would really encourage you toconsider this.
It can be really nice, and we'vedone this, On occasion in our
house, not necessarily becauseof allergies, but either our
needs because of illness.
If our schedules have beentougher, there are times when we
have chosen just to stay at ourhouse to make our own food and
(20:11):
just have dinner together, andit creates a different feel that
is really nice and relaxingtogether and just focusing on
each other's company instead ofa huge, chaotic, busy day that
sometimes can be draining.
A reminder within this higherlevel of control in terms of
your decisions, but this appliesto everything you can't control
(20:32):
everyone else.
So I know people who host, theyinvite everyone to their house
and whoever shows up shows up.
Some people might come for apart of the day, some might
decline altogether.
They want their food their wayor it doesn't work for their
schedule, whatever their reasonsmay be.
If you decide you need to gowith this higher level of
control, keep in mind that allyou can do is put out the option
(20:55):
for everyone to gather togetherand if people don't accept it,
then that's their decision andnot yours.
So if we move down and we lookat what would a moderate level
of control over the day looklike?
This is probably where mostfamilies end up.
And there's a wide range of whatthis might look like, of course,
but it's somewhere in themiddle.
(21:17):
It's a group effort.
We have some balance.
Maybe you choose the mostimportant or tricky part of the
meal and you divide it up anddepending on your allergies.
This could vary quite a bit interms of what that would mean
for you.
So, for example, for some, ifyou have nut allergies, the
centerpiece of the meal, like aturkey or a ham, can be really
(21:37):
simple for someone else to makesafely.
So, sure, you make the turkeyand I'll bring the mashed
potatoes or Sure.
If you want to make the mashedpotatoes, I'll give you the
brands or even drop off thebrand of dairy free butter and
milk that's safe for our familyor Here, I'll give you a list of
the brands that we trust thatare safe for us of prepared
(22:00):
foods like frozen pies, frozenor pre prepared dinner rolls,
anything that someone else canbuy and bring, but you can give
them what's safe and what willwork for you and make it really
clear for them.
Another way that a lot offamilies do this is to make the
major players in that meal safe.
So, we're gonna make sure thatthe, the meat, The potatoes and
(22:24):
the stuffing are all safe, andthen everyone might bring a
range of side dishes anddesserts, and within that, you
can find a couple things thatwill be safe for your child to
eat, even if all of the dishesaren't going to be safe.
So you can involve them in this.
You can talk to them aboutwhat's usually at the meal, show
them pictures, you can have themhelp you decide what they want
(22:46):
to eat that day, what they wouldfeel badly about missing out on,
what they don't care about, whatis worth stressing over, and
what isn't.
And then you can make thosecouple of things.
Again, you can always set yourhelping aside and wrap it
separately so that you'recontributing it to the group
meal.
But having your servingseparately, if necessary, and
that way.
(23:06):
There's a balance of safety, butmore inclusion of your child in
terms of there's lots of stuff.
Plenty of food for you to eat.
You're going to have a fullbelly.
I'll make sure I make you thatgreen bean casserole that you
love, even though everythingwon't be safe for you.
Lots of things will and we'llmake it really clear in terms of
what is.
If there are things that aren'tsafe, but that you and your
(23:27):
child want to try, just make anote of it so you can remember
it and try it at home anothertime.
This is an ongoing thing I dowith my kids all the time.
If anyone's ever eatingsomething that we have to say no
to, or we aren't sure about, sowe say no to just to be safe, we
make a note of it.
We find a recipe, we make it athome, we make it even bigger and
better than we saw it.
Or sometimes we try and it flopsand it's a disaster, but we have
(23:50):
fun with it.
And it helps us not to feel soleft out and to feel like we're
missing out when we know that wecan still try that food, just
not right now.
The final area of that rightside of your page, where we're
talking about what's the levelof control that we're able to
exert over the day, would below, For some of us, it's hard
(24:11):
to even imagine, but many peopledo this and it works better for
them.
And that's to hand it off.
It can sound impossible to dosafely, but maybe if your
allergens are rare or they'reamong the ones that are more
simple to manage.
Or if you have someone that justreally gets it and you trust
completely.
Even if your anxiety is reallyhigh sometimes, if you have
(24:32):
trust in that specific person orthat specific resource, the best
thing you can do is to hand itoff to someone else so you
aren't stressing.
So sometimes this looks like arestaurant that is amazing with
allergies or with a certainallergen.
Going to a restaurant or acaterer that is known for being
super allergy friendly.
(24:52):
They absolutely get yourallergens.
They have confirmed that yourallergens are those that they
can work with and you outsourceit all.
Of course, it can be expensive,but all these holiday foods are
expensive.
Let's be honest, groceriesaren't cheap.
So, sometimes this is reallyworth the cost, and everyone can
just show up and have fun andenjoy.
(25:14):
This can also be someone cookingfor you, who's great, who likes
to cook, who has the time andthe space and the freedom in
their home to do it or to cookit and bring it to another place
where they're gathering.
and they can check in and verifywith you if necessary,
throughout the process to helpput your mind at ease.
Again, for some of us, thissounds impossible, but some
(25:35):
people have a really great, Momwho is willing to do the whole
meal Probably someone who'salready familiar with the
allergens and cooking for theperson with allergies already
Very generously to make it all.
It sounds counterintuitive Butif your reaction as a person
with allergies or as a parentwith a child with allergies is
(25:55):
really really highly anxious Andyou can be really preoccupied
with worries each step of theway.
This can actually be a betteroption sometimes because it
allows you to take it completelyout of your brain with someone
that you trust to manage it.
And it feels better that way.
So again, Most likely.
The approach that you use on theright will be somewhere across
(26:18):
from where most of your answerswere on the left in terms of the
level of concern that you have.
But as I mentioned, sometimesit's not.
Sometimes if the anxiety is skyhigh, the best thing to do is
find a very clearly safe andtrusted source and let them take
care of everything.
While you're trying to make thisdecision, of course, you have to
(26:38):
gauge the responses of thepeople around you as you're
trying to arrange this.
So if you ask and somebody isappalled that you would suggest
changing family traditions, theywill not cut out a certain food
that is unsafe for you or yourchild to be around.
That would ruin the holiday.
Then obviously they have givenyou the gift of a very clear
sign that collaborating on themeal for your safety or your
(27:03):
child's safety It's probably notgoing to work out well.
And of course, even when peoplehave the best of intentions,
when we ask them to changethings or do things in a
different way, there are goingto be difficult feelings around
it.
So it's important to acknowledgethat and to make space for
people to express them.
But it's also important for youto acknowledge the way that
(27:24):
people's responses make you feelin terms of if they take you
seriously, if your feelings andyour ability to relax and enjoy
the holiday matters to them, soyou can factor that in and try
to do it in a way that doesn'tallow other people's responses
to spoil your holiday for you.
You can make a note to deal withthe feelings later, commit to
(27:44):
focusing on the plan for now,and then adjusting accordingly
in the future, depending on howthings go with them.
Regardless of what you're goingto be asking, it's important for
you to think ahead to what theboundaries will have to be in
order for you to feel safe andto communicate them clearly to
the people who are going to beinvolved.
(28:07):
People have a lot ofmisunderstandings around the
word boundary, but I want to beclear about what I mean when I
talk about boundaries.
Boundaries are the lines we drawor the circles we draw around
ourselves.
Which say this is the space itis safe and comfortable for me
to interact with you and I getto be Around you or spend time
(28:28):
with you in a way that works forme It doesn't mean that people
have to step into that space.
You're just letting them knowwhere that space is So in other
words if you tell someone Youabsolutely Need a holiday
without these foods Anywherepresent in that meal, then
you're expressing your boundaryWhatever your boundary is, it is
(28:52):
your job to hold to it andenforce it, not other people's
job to obey it.
If you state it very clearly tothem, the next step is to decide
what you're going to do ifpeople don't adhere to that
boundary.
Unfortunately, if you havecommunicated that you need a
holiday without these foodspresent in any of the food, and
(29:14):
you show up, and it turns outthat someone did put it in one
of the meals, what are you goingto do?
There's no right or wrong answerto this, but you should think
ahead so that you have a planwhich will make you feel less
anxious about what you're goingto do if that thing that you
worry about happens.
So if everyone agreed to makefood and bring dishes that don't
(29:34):
have any nuts in them, but thenyou show up and aunt so and so
made a delicious peanut butterchocolate pie, what are you
going to do?
Are you going to leave?
Some people would, and that'sokay.
Some people would might thensay.
We can't have any dessert andleave it at that.
And that's perfectly safe forthe child.
(29:55):
Again, there might be hurtfeelings or there might be some
communication necessary with theperson who made that food to
make things safer in the future.
But it's up to you to determinewhat the response is going to
be.
That specific example couldyield a lot of different
responses from people fromangrily storming out to having a
(30:16):
really kind conversation withher about what had been talked
about before the holiday.
It sounds silly, but some peopleforget that no nuts also
includes no peanut butter, youcan factor all that into the
decision later.
You really have to know whatyou're going to do in order to
maintain your safety if thingsdon't go according to plan.
Sometimes that can be reallydramatic, but oftentimes it's
(30:38):
just a simple decision of we'renot going to eat that or we're
not going to stay as long.
We're going to leave beforedessert but the hurt feelings,
around this stuff are verycommon.
There are things that we canwork through.
So try not to let.
other people's feelings, theguilt or the feelings of
obligation, people trying topressure you into making a
(30:59):
decision or doing the day in away that you're not comfortable
with.
No food or tradition is moreimportant than you or your
child's safety.
So don't ever let guilt orfeelings of obligation pressure
you into making a decision thatyou aren't comfortable with or
certain about, but at the sametime, be careful to distinguish
between your anxiety and what'sactually necessary for safety.
(31:22):
If there is something you aren'tsure about or are worried is not
okay.
Instead of completely shyingaway from that and saying, no,
we can't do that.
Consider trying to solve theproblem or looking into it to
get more information and to geta definitive answer rather than
always choosing to avoid.
(31:42):
It can also be helpful to put itback on the person who is asking
if they are asking for somethingthat you're not comfortable
with.
Sometimes this is a reallyhelpful way to educate them
about what they might not know.
I appreciate you asking.
I haven't actually picked up abox of that in a while and read
the ingredients.
Would you mind taking a pictureand sending it to me and we can
(32:03):
read it together and decide ifwe think it's going to be safe?
Something like that shows thatyou're trying to be open to the
idea.
You are appreciating thatsomeone's trying to contribute
or provide something for you andwork with you and check in with
you about something.
But with a less direct and bluntno than sometimes we're tempted
(32:23):
to do on the other handSometimes a very direct no is
the most appropriate and helpfuland clear thing So sometimes you
can just make a blanketstatement and tell everyone
don't bring any food.
I'm doing everything orEspecially if you have younger
children don't feed him.
Nobody can give him foodWhatever it is.
(32:46):
You're going to do.
However, it is you've decidedyou're gonna lay out this day
and approach it Then, practicesaying the things that you know
you're going to have to say thatday.
Rehearse a line that you or thatyour child can say and that will
feel confident about remindingeverybody, however it is you've
decided to make the day.
Thank you, but he brought all ofhis own safe food.
(33:08):
He's just going to eat what wemade today to make sure that we
don't have any issues withreactions.
This could also sound somethinglike, I appreciate you trying to
include me, but I know you'dfeel really badly if something
made me sick.
It looks delicious, but I'mreally just focused on being
able to relax and enjoy the daywith all of you without worrying
(33:30):
about the food.
So I'm going to just eat thisthing that I know that is safe
for me.
if you really struggle with thispiece of getting family or your
support system on board, this issomething we'll be talking about
more in the future.
I'll be doing an episode ondeveloping the support system
around you to help you manageyour allergies and your anxiety
around your allergies so thatyou do have people to rely on
(33:51):
and don't feel like you'recarrying the whole world on your
shoulders.
So if you don't have that inplace for this year, note that,
and then remember that we canchange it in the future.
You can change therelationships.
You can get people in a betterplace where they are more
educated or more willing to helpyou and more understanding of
what it is you need.
But in the meantime, justremember that it isn't your job
(34:12):
to educate everyone about foodallergies to convince them to
believe you to force them to besupportive or make them
celebrate a holiday in the waythat works for you.
It's just your job to figure outwhat works for you and keep
yourself and your child safe.
Whatever it is you decide to do,make your choices for this year
(34:33):
and then do the work to get youranxiety about it under control
and enjoy the day.
So leading up to the event, youcan do things like visualizing
the day going well, sittingcalmly, breathing deeply,
closing your eyes, and picturingyour family laughing and
relaxing together.
People being supportive of you.
(34:54):
Picture the smile on yourchild's face when they sit down
to a meal that they know is safefor them and they look calm and
at ease.
Or imagine the feeling in yourown body.
Of maybe the weight being liftedoff of something that you're not
sure about.
And you, you aren't sure how tonavigate and how it would feel
to just say, no, you can usethis throughout any phase of the
(35:16):
planning process to help youdecide what's going to be right
for you sitting down andpicturing it and connecting with
your body and how that feels andif it feels like the right
decision for you and then tolead up to the holiday to reduce
the anxiety anytime you start tofeel overwhelmed if you're
worried thoughts get away fromyou or if you're just feeling
stressed about how it's going togo.
(35:38):
You can do this on the day ofthe holiday, at the beginning of
the day, when you wake up,before you leave, on the drive
to wherever you're going, orbefore people arrive, and then
throughout the day, anytime youfeel the stress rising.
And then also remember to manageyour expectations.
It will not be picture perfect,and I think it's important to
remind you that nobody's holidayis.
(36:01):
Everyone has challenges with theholidays.
They are notoriously difficultfor people, not just those of us
managing food allergies.
It's unfortunate, but it's true.
So sometimes when we feel reallystuck and feeling like this is
unfair, why are we the only oneswho can't just go somewhere and
show up and eat and enjoy theday?
You're not in our case, it mightbe that someone might make a
(36:23):
hurtful comment, intentionallyor unintentionally.
Your dish might not turn out.
Everyone might not like the waysomething tastes with your safe
substitute.
But if everybody ends the daysafe and fed, then consider it a
success.
And always the most importantthing, have that epi ready.
Use it if it's needed.
(36:43):
Don't hesitate to use it.
And keep the knowledge that youalways have it with you to
remind you that you know what todo to give you a sense of safety
and control and to help youmanage your anxiety for the day.
And if you need to revisit thatepisode about epinephrine and
our confidence around it, thisis a great time to go back and
(37:03):
do that.
No matter how the day unfolds,remember that what you do this
year, or even what you havealways done, isn't forever.
So do the best you can thisyear, or even just for this
holiday.
once the day is over and thestress has faded a little bit,
assess how it went, what you'dlike to change in the future,
(37:23):
what went well, what didn'twork.
If there are parts of the daythat weren't great, and Or
didn't feel good, make a note ofit and set a goal for shifting
that piece of the day in thefuture.
Even if you don't know how to doit yet, just acknowledge that
it's something that you can workon long term.
Then in time, you can haveconversations with your family
and friends about the events.
(37:45):
You can get their ideas for howto address these issues.
That aspect of the familytraditions, you can ask other
allergy families in real life oronline, you can give yourself a
whole year until that comes backaround again to figure out a new
plan and come up with adifferent way to try to approach
that thing in a way that feelsbetter.
Try not to get stuck in theblack or white thinking of what
(38:05):
you've always done, how it hasto be, or that what you do now
or this year has to be forever.
Get as flexible as you can withyour thinking about it.
Acknowledge and remind yourselfthat dealing with the holidays
and special occasions and allaspects of food allergy
management will be a continuallyshifting process throughout
life.
Thank you.
You for listening and I hope youall have a happy and safe
(38:28):
holiday season.
Three things.
That you can do to help makethat happen.
Are.
Number one, get out some.
Paper and write down theexercise that I described
throughout the episode.
Sometimes.
I'm seeing things on paper helpsus to clarify our solidify
ideas.
And our minds in a differentway.
Number two, ask someone for.
For help.
(38:48):
So many of us have troubleletting other people support us
in the ways that we need.
Whether you want to do it all,but just want someone to listen
to you.
Vent.
Or someone.
I can do something specific tomake the day work for you.
Practice asking openly andgiving people the chance to.
To support you.
Number three.
If this episode was helpful toyou, here's a reminder to
(39:09):
subscribe.
So you won't miss an episode andplease share it with anyone who
might find it helpful.
Uh, it means so much to me thatyou spend time with me and this
holiday.
Season, I'm thankful to all ofyou who have been listening
along the way.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
(39:30):
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda White house.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
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