S1/ E1: Shock and Awe

Send us a text

So on a day like any other, I got the call no parent ever wants to get, or ever really imagines they will, and one they never should. My daughter was dead. This episode covers the moment my life changed forever, and the living nightmare that began the next chapter of my life.

Support the show

Help keep the Don’t Forget To Breathe podcast going. Become a supporter today and be part of the movement to bring light, connection, and hope to those living with loss. Follow this link to become a Supporter:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1376761/support

Episode Transcript

Bruce (00:34):
Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe.
I'm your host, Bruce Barker.
This first episode is calledShock and Awe.
And I think you'll understandwhy, certainly by the end, but
just to give you a little bit ofa warning ahead of time, this
is going to go back to themoment that I found out about my
daughter dying and those firstseveral days of walking through

(00:57):
that living nightmare.
So if you're not ready forthis, if it's um um maybe still
too raw for you, and um you justwant to skip over it, go ahead.
Skip over to another episode.
Um and when you feel ready, ifyou feel ready, uh then you can
come back and hear about thatfirst week um of my journey.

(01:22):
To begin, it's 2006, and it wastime to fly home to Denver,
ending the worst week of mylife, uh, but beginning a
journey through the most painfulyear of my life, one I called
the year of firsts, and we'lltalk about the year of first in

(01:46):
in future episodes.
Um and it all began with thesudden death of my only child,
my precious daughter, mypurpose.
It's Kristen.
But allow me to take you backto the beginning for a much
abbreviated look at Kristen'slife.

(02:07):
Kristen Nicole Barker was bornon October 9th, 1985, in Paris,
Texas.
She made her first big impacton this world by arriving late
but at 9 pounds 14 ounces.
Um, at that time, I was in theretail industry.
And after a series of jobtransfers, uh, we eventually

(02:30):
made it back to our home inMonroe, Louisiana.
Uh, but soon after, um, therewas another move to Junction
City, Arkansas, uh, to operate alocal grocery store.
And it was there that Kristenlearned the ins and outs of
being a small grocer at the ripeold age of three.
And also at three years old,Kristen's mother and I divorced

(02:55):
with very few career options forme at that time in northern
Louisiana.
And wanting Kristen to see mehappy rather than miserable, I
made a very painful choice tomove away to Florida, uh, where
I began a career in theamusement park industry.
That also began Kristen'scountless flights from her home

(03:17):
in Louisiana to my many homes asI moved throughout the industry
in Orlando and Minneapolis,Indianapolis, Fort Lauderdale,
Houston, New York City, andeventually the Denver area.
Um, Kristen quote unquoteworked in several of the
facilities over the years as shegrew up.
Um, she was a greeter, a tickettaker, a ride operator, snack

(03:42):
bar cook.
She was a busser, a server, uh,but an all-around ambassador of
smiles.
She had huge dimples.
Um, and that was that wasvisible to every guest that
entered our facility.
Um after landing in Denver, Ileft the amusement park industry
just to avoid the continuedlife of transfers and started a

(04:04):
sportswear company, much toKristen's delight, as she was
the beneficiary of every newdesign I printed, every sample
that fit, and she also offeredher creative creativity and her
creativeness to the company.
The many extended visits weshared as father and daughter,

(04:24):
exploring new areas, meeting newfriends, and learning a variety
of cultures and beliefs, taughtKristen openness, compassion,
empathy, independence, and justa zest for life.
Our relationship, you know,went through the typical ups and
downs of growing up.
That's both of us growing up,but we were still very close,

(04:48):
but never closer than the summerof 2006.
That's the visit when she askedall the questions that she had
had for many years.
Questions I knew would come oneday, and answers that were
truthful and clarifying for her.
It was a precious and specialtime we shared that summer.

(05:13):
Uh, one I will always cherish,and one I thank God for allowing
us to share, especially withwhat was about to happen in a
matter of days that neither ofus knew.
Kristen was a friend to many.
She brought smiles and laughterto everyone that was near,

(05:38):
touched more people than sheknew, and still does.
In July 1994, Kristen wasdiagnosed with type 1 diabetes,
that's juvenile diabetes,insulin-dependent for the rest
of her life.
Diabetes uh made her grow upway faster than she should.

(05:59):
It caused her many scares andpain that a child should never
have to endure.
Um, it controlled her life morethan one needs to be
controlled.
And on July 26, 2006, it tookher life many, many years sooner
than it should.

(06:19):
After returning to Monroe fromher time with me in Denver, just
a few days after spending suchan amazing time together in the
Rocky Mountains, Kristen fellinto a coma and died.
So on a day like any other day,I got a call no parent ever

(06:42):
wants to get, or ever reallyimagines they will, and
definitely one they nevershould.
I was at a business where Ioccasionally contracted work
located near downtown Denverwhen my cell phone rang with
both a call and a voicemailnotice.

(07:03):
I listened to the voicemail ofa work colleague of Kristen's
mom stating that I should callimmediately.
Hearing the urgency in thevoicemail, my heart began to
race.
Nervously, I punched in thenumbers, hit send, and waited.
When my call was connected, Isaid who I was and asked for

(07:26):
Kristen's mom.
She got on the phone, but shewasn't able to speak.
And the phone was handed to aman who now was given a horrible
task.
And standing there in thatbusiness, I heard the voice of
this person I'd never met tellme that Kristen had died, that

(07:47):
she had died in her sleep, andmy world stopped.
Everything became foggy.
Um, I was plunged into mynever-before imagined nightmare,
but it was for real.
I nearly collapsed on thefloor, listening, crying, asking

(08:11):
questions, and just crying.
I don't have much of arecollection of even what I
asked or what I said, and I'vetried to recall that
conversation, but I can't.
Um maybe because it's betterleft stored away somewhere else
in my mind.

(08:31):
Maybe that's just my mindsimply protecting me.
So from downtown Denver, Imanaged to drive back to my
office in Parker, Colorado.
It's about 25 miles.
Um, but I have no idea how Idid that.
Um because I don't remember it.

(08:51):
I look back and I believe nowthat that God had somehow
controlled my car, keeping me inone piece, because I surely
don't remember that drive, otherthan repeating the words, no,
no, no, no.
Just over and over and overagain, as if I could will this

(09:15):
nightmare to only be a dream,will myself to wake up and will
Kristen to be okay.
But that wasn't the case.
So once I arrived at my shop,Kim, who was the owner of the
embroidery business in the spacewe shared, saw that something

(09:36):
catastrophic had happened andwas able to get the information
out of me.
And from that moment, she tookover, made my flight
arrangements to Louisiana forthe next morning.
Um, she called work colleaguesand friends, giving them the
news.
My friend Robert, who taught mehow to screen print, came right
over and jumped in and tookover the business with several

(09:59):
jobs that were already scheduledfor completion.
You know, and as I look back, Isee the value of true friends.
You know, while they, noranyone for that matter, knew
what to say, they knew what todo, and just did it without
hesitation.
It might be 14 years late, um,because I don't know if I said

(10:24):
it or not.
But Kim and Robert, thank youfrom the bottom of my heart for
all you did for me during thattime.
So after leaving work, Imanaged to make it home again,
again with no recollection ofthe drive, and having to tell my
girlfriend at the time what hadhappened.

(10:44):
I do remember thinking as Itold her that I would have to
tell this story over and overagain with each new encounter of
a friend, a colleague, or evenstrangers.
Another burden has just landedin my mind.
I knew I had to pack andthought my suit I hadn't worn

(11:05):
since my dad's funeral um twoyears prior needed to get
cleaned, but there was no time.
Um, so that would just have tohappen in Monroe.
I also realized I had no dressshoes.
I was a girl's lacrosse coach,so sneakers were that was my
footwear of choice.
So it was off to the shoestore.

(11:27):
Um and I recall the thought umas I was getting shoes that I
was getting shoes to wear to mydaughter's funeral.
And it was a strange thought tohave, I know, but not the only
strange and random thought I'dhave over the next several days.
So much of those first 24 hoursare a fog, just a blur in my

(11:52):
mind.
Um, and if if you haveexperienced a loss like this,
I'm sure yours are the same way.
I couldn't find them then, andI couldn't find those thoughts
now.
Um and I do have a fear thatthere will be a trigger

(12:14):
somewhere at some point over mylifetime that will pull those
memories front and center, andI'm not looking forward to that
at all.
Um yet while many things arestill a blur from those initial
hours, there are some thingsthat are starkly clear.
One in particular I now knowmust be shared with every parent

(12:40):
who has faced this terribletragedy.
When I woke the very nextmorning for that fraction of a
second between being asleep andawake, I had the thought that
all of this was just a horrible,terrible nightmare.

(13:01):
That everything was okay, thatKristen was just fine, that life
was normal, there was a senseof relief, but that was only for
a fraction of a second.
And then I was awake, and thenightmare was real.
I wouldn't be waking up toeverything being okay, but

(13:22):
Kristen being just fine, lifebeing as it was before.
Ever again.
This nightmare was real, and itwas only the beginning.
And now it was time to fly toMonroe, Louisiana, for a task I
was ill-prepared to do.

(13:43):
There was nothing in thetraining manual for parents to
cover this.
I don't even really rememberthe flight or even going to the
airport who I sat by, goodweather, bad weather,
turbulence, smooth flight,nothing.
My mind was in such a fog.
I I guess it was in a shutdownstate.
I was simply going through themotions necessary to function on

(14:07):
the immediate task at hand, thesimplest of tasks.
There was a numbness that justkind of enveloped me.
I was just trying to put onefoot in front of the other,
literally.
As my flight arrived in Monroe,I could feel such a huge weight
in my chest, anxiety justrunning wild.

(14:28):
It was like a tornado inside mymind and my body just kind of
wreaking havoc.
So, to get a feel for that,think back for a moment.
Remember back to your mostterrifying moment or event as a
child, even if only imagined.
The helplessness you felt, howsmall you seemed, and how you

(14:52):
just knew everyone was watchingyou.
Your parents weren't around tohelp, to comfort, you were
completely alone to face thisterror, and strangers were your
audience.
Well, that's only a fraction ofhow it felt.
Taking my first step off thatplane, knowing I was there for
the sole purpose to arrange andattend my daughter's funeral, to

(15:18):
be more direct and just to beblunt, to bury my daughter.
So what kind of job is this?
Why did I have to do this?
This wasn't the natural orderof life and death.
Parents aren't supposed to burytheir children.
I mean it happens, yeah, Iknow, but we weren't the first,

(15:38):
nor will we be the last.
But still, I didn't want tostep out of that airport.
I was not prepared for this,but I had no choice.
No choice.
I had friends pick me up at theairport to drive me to
Kristen's mom's house.

(16:00):
Um, again, I I don't reallyrecall that much about the ride.
Um, I don't believe much wassaid at all.
I mean, what really couldanyone say in a situation like
that?
Um, I believe I just simplystared out the window, not
really focusing on anything oranyone passing by.
Nothing outside that car windowmattered to me.

(16:22):
I was still existing in such astate of disbelief, just unable
to understand why I was back inMonroe for this reason.
When I arrived at my ex-wife'shouse, I found her friends
taking care of her, keeping hersedated, actually.
I must say that I would havepreferred the same kind of

(16:45):
treatment, the sedation, anyway.
The hugs and sorries were beinggiven to me so softly, so
quietly, treatment like that toa fragile, priceless sculpture.
You know, they they broughtKristen's mom out, and I got
another dose of reality.

(17:05):
When we, as two parents, huggedeach other, just crying
uncontrollably.
We'd lost our daughter.
It was it was really happening.
Nothing we could do couldchange that.
We were powerless as parents.

(17:26):
Just powerless.
Like a feeling as powerless asan infant.
So we were told we would haveto go to the funeral home in
just a few hours to start makingarrangements.
I I couldn't even bear thatthought.
I knew it was a reality, butactually hearing it from someone

(17:49):
rather than just a randomthought in my head, made it more
real for the next hour or so,though I'm not really sure of
time really at that point.
Um, we sat around the livingroom crying, occasionally just
staring off into nothingness.
Friends and acquaintances wereshowing up, handing out their

(18:12):
hugs and sorries, and plenty oftears.
We would just stay and just sitaround.
Um but the people not reallyknowing what to say, what to do,
just sat there and for themwhat had to be the most

(18:32):
uncomfortable room they couldhave ever been in.
Um we were being asked now andthen if there was anything we
needed, um, that we should eatsomething.
Um but I I didn't even want tobe breathing at that point, much
less eat anything.
But I know they were justlooking out for us.

(18:53):
So Kristen's mom's brother,Terry, was a pastor and a great
friend to Kristen.
Just a just a wonderful guyoverall.
He had driven in from St.
Louis and it was an easydecision that he would be
speaking at the funeral.

(19:13):
I had always been consulted byphone um as to the funeral home
where Kristen would be taken.
Kristen's mom went thereearlier in the day and saw
Kristen as soon as she arrived,and now it was time for us to go
there too.
We were going to have to makethe plans for our daughter's

(19:37):
funeral.
Now, I had helped makearrangements for my father's
funeral, like less than twoyears earlier, and even helped a
friend make arrangements for afamily member just years before.
But I had no idea what I wasabout to face, what we were
going to have to do as parents.

(19:58):
I mean what parents shouldnever have to do.
So Terry said it's time to go.
But this wouldn't be the onlytime that we'd hear him say this
over the next three days.
So I'm gonna leave that withyou for now.

(20:20):
I know it's a lot to absorb,it's a lot to process, and when
we go to the next episode,again, these are gonna be tough
ones initially.
Um I'm gonna take you to thefuneral home and we're gonna
walk through that process.
And again, it's not it's not apleasant process.

(20:42):
So bear with me if you can.
And if not, skip that nextepisode as well.
And come back when you'reready.
Thanks for listening.
I'll talk to you next time.