October 15, 2020 • 16 mins
From the moment I entered the Funeral Home until the time I exited, I was left with a lasting impression of the "business" of funerals. On top of being there because my child had died, the experience was one that I hope no parent will need to go through, even though I know it happens every single day to someone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bruce (00:34):
Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe.
I'm your host, Bruce Barker.
This is episode two.
It's called the Funeral HomeExperience.
As I mentioned in the previousepisode, and will again in this
one, I'm going to be talkingabout a pretty raw experience.
This one being in the funeralhome.
(00:56):
And it might be a little toomuch for you, depending on where
you are in your journey.
If you've experienced this, itmight hit a little too close to
home.
And if you don't feel that youwant to listen to this, go ahead
and skip ahead to the nextepisode.
For those of you that might bewalking beside someone who's
(01:16):
going through this, this couldgive you a little bit of insight
on what they might be feeling.
As I left off at the end ofepisode one, Terry, Kristen's
uncle, had said it was time togo to the funeral home.
So the drive there, as youmight expect, was a quiet one.
(01:38):
At least it was quiet until wearrived in the parking lot.
And then Kristen's mom begansaying, I can't do this.
I just can't do this.
And Terry and others in the carcontinued to reassure her that
she could and that she had to.
(02:00):
She looked at me then, and thenshe said it again, I can't do
this.
And as much as that voice in myhead was screaming the same
thing that she was saying, Isomehow still managed to come
out with we have to.
Certainly not what I wasfeeling at the time.
(02:23):
I'm not even sure where it camefrom, but there it was.
I couldn't back down now.
I'd even committed both of usto do this.
So she reluctantly nodded herhead and we got out of the car
and began walking toward thedoor.
And one thing I recall aboutthat walk very clearly is that
(02:50):
my legs seemed like they weighedabout 500 pounds each.
Um, once we got to the door andpassed through, we were
immediately greeted by thefuneral home directors.
The family that owned andoperated the funeral home had
done so for many years, and Ieven went to school with the
(03:12):
sons, who were now running the Iguess the quote unquote family
business.
Um so it was it was all just abit of an odd feeling.
So they escorted us to a roomwith a big conference table.
We all took our seats and itbegan.
What took place was it was justawful and uncomfortable.
(03:39):
Um Terry kept things going whenwe were being asked question
after question.
Um they were just simplygathering information that they
needed to put in Kristen'sobituary.
Name of the parents, thebrothers or sisters, surviving
grandparents, cousins, aunts,uncles.
(04:01):
I mean, it just kept going on.
And then they asked, had wedecided who would preside over
the funeral, and naturally wetold them that it was Terry.
And then who would bepallbearers?
And again, one question afteranother.
And then came a really uh whatfelt like to me was a really
(04:25):
staggering question.
And they asked, what day do youwant the funeral?
Well, I don't want it on anyday.
I mean, I don't want it at all.
I don't even want to be here.
But we had to discuss that.
You know, who was coming?
Um, when could they get here?
All the logistics, and frankly,I didn't care.
(04:46):
Um, I didn't want to do any ofthis.
I still couldn't put my headaround the fact that Kristen was
gone.
But reluctantly we decided thatthe funeral would be Saturday,
the viewing would be Friday, andtoday was Thursday.
(05:07):
And then the questions startedagain.
Had we thought about music?
Did we want a family car?
Do we have a cemetery plotpicked out?
I mean, a cemetery plot?
Are you kidding me?
I mean, my daughter was 20years old.
Why would I have a cemeteryplot picked out for her?
(05:28):
And then it hit me.
We have to go pick onesomewhere.
And about that time, Terryspoke up and told us that a
pastor at a small church justoutside of West Monroe had
offered a family plot in thechurch's small private cemetery,
(05:50):
free of charge.
Um, I didn't know what to sayor even think.
Kristen's mom and I just lookedat each other and neither of us
had an answer.
So Terry told us we coulddecide all that later.
So after numerous questions anddecisions about all the
particulars surrounding thearrangements, at least what I
(06:13):
thought were all theparticulars, the funeral
director said we would have togo pick out a casket.
You gotta be kidding me.
No, I that is not what I wantedto do.
But he had us get up and followhim.
So we left our room and enteredanother doorway, which led to
(06:37):
the casket room, as best I cancall it.
Any strength I had left feltlike it just went away at that
very moment when when he openedthe door and I saw all those
caskets set up in that room.
Um, it was like someone punchedme in the stomach again.
(06:58):
Kristen's mom and I just heldon to each other at this point
and started walking reallyslowly around the room.
One of the most stark andlasting impressions of that room
that I recall were small pricecards that were set up on each
(07:18):
casket.
I mean, price cards.
The price was for the casketonly, or with a liner, or a
complete funeral package.
You know, maybe this seemsnormal to you, and and I get it,
the funeral industry isnecessary and it is a business
and needs to show a profit.
(07:39):
But at that particular time, itfelt like we were on a used car
lot.
I mean, we didn't have lifeinsurance for our 20-year-old
daughter and didn't have deeppockets, so it seemed as if we
were putting a price on ourdaughter's worth.
I mean, it was truly asickening feeling.
(08:01):
And as we continued to movethrough that room, we came
across a casket that, as strangeas it sounds, actually caught
our eye.
I mean, I'm just I'm not sureif that's the right way to
describe that moment.
I guess maybe a better way tosay it is that we saw one that
just felt as right as a feelinglike this could feel.
(08:25):
So that's the one we chose.
Then back to the room with theconference table, and the final
arrangements were made.
The funeral director left theroom and then returned in a few
minutes with a total price.
And what he said was the bestwe can do is six thousand nine
(08:47):
hundred and seventy-ninedollars.
The best we can do.
I mean, it was it just seemedlike a strange statement.
And again, that feeling ofvaluing my daughter, like
negotiating a price of a car,all those unpleasant thoughts
(09:08):
just were rising from the pit ofmy stomach.
And I mean, who knew a funeralwould cost $7,000?
I mean, not me.
My dad's funeral had beenprearranged and and prepaid for
years.
So as I I start to digest theamount, then came the statement,
(09:28):
and we'll need half down tobegin the arrangements.
The balance will be due in 30days from the funeral.
Okay, granted, this is abusiness.
But when someone is feeling theway we were feeling at that
particular time, this was just acold shock to an already
(09:50):
shocked system.
Kristen's mom looked at me andsaid, I don't have that kind of
money, do you?
Normally my answer would havebeen no, but it happened that I
had money in my business accountfrom the Veil Across tournament
that Kristen had just helped mewith in Colorado just a couple
(10:12):
of weeks before.
I mean, technically, it wasn'teven my money, it was money that
my business owed for productfrom that event.
But what choice did I have?
I I only had personal checkswith me, and the director said I
(10:33):
could use the computer in hisoffice and access my account and
just transfer the money.
So he led me to his computer, Itransferred the money and wrote
them a check for half of thetotal cost.
So right around $3,500.
And then back to the room wewent, and I guess you could say
(10:56):
the deal was complete.
So it I'm sure it seems thatI'm I'm frustrated with how it
all went down.
But given my mental state ofthe time, I don't see any other
logical reaction.
Um if I can offer any advice toanyone you know with children,
(11:21):
or you, if you have children, itwould be this no matter how
young the child or children are,get life insurance on them.
Or at the very least, as darkas it might sound, get a burial
policy established.
I mean, do it now.
(11:43):
No one should ever have to gothrough the ordeal that we did
and then be asked to make a halfdown deposit.
So just take care of it.
I mean, just take care of itnow and pray that you'll never
see the day you need to use it,and then just don't think about
(12:05):
it again.
So with everything concludedthat we needed to do at that
time, I asked if Kristen was inthe funeral home.
And they told me she was andasked if I'd like to see her,
and of course I said I would.
(12:25):
They told me to wait while theybrought her in to the chapel.
So they told me that she wasjust on a gurney and covered in
a sheet.
Um, but I didn't care.
I just wanted to see mydaughter.
So we made our way into thehallway and and in just a few
(12:49):
minutes they came out and said Icould go in.
I told those that were with methere that I just wanted to go
in alone, just to give me a fewminutes with her by myself.
And I opened the door, I lookeddown the aisle to see my
(13:11):
daughter, her body covered in awhite sheet, and tears began
just flowing uncontrollably as Istarted putting one foot in
front of the other, moving downthe aisle of the chapel.
I just kept shaking my head,no.
(13:32):
This simply couldn't be real.
This could not be happening.
This is not how I last saw her.
I mean, when I saw her last,she was laughing and waving by
to me in Denver, full of life,like full of hope, full of
dreams, so much life ahead.
(13:54):
That's what I saw in mydaughter the last time I saw
her, but it's not what I sawnow.
I stepped up to her and startedstroking her hair, and I just
kept repeating, you know, thatthis isn't right and it can't be
happening.
And telling her she can't begone.
(14:17):
And I stayed with her for awhile.
I honestly don't remember ifanyone came in or or I just
left.
But the next thing I recall isbeing in the hallway again, and
and then the topic came up ofpicking out clothes for Kristen
(14:39):
for the viewing the next day.
And then I remembered Kristengot several dresses while she
was in Denver with me, and andone in particular that I knew
she really liked.
So that meant it was time to goget her things from where she'd
been living since she returnedto Monroe.
And that was a task that I didnot relish.
(15:02):
So I'll stop for now.
And I know that that's a lot totake in and a lot to process,
and I'll just leave that withyou.
And as we move forward into thenext episode, I'm going to tell
you a story about my experienceafter the funeral, and one that
(15:28):
has inspired this podcast, apart of this story that offers
that first tiny glimmer of hopefor me.
So until next time, take careof the city.
Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe.
I'm your host, Bruce Barker.
This is episode two.
It's called the Funeral HomeExperience.
As I mentioned in the previousepisode, and will again in this
one, I'm going to be talkingabout a pretty raw experience.
This one being in the funeralhome.
(00:56):
And it might be a little toomuch for you, depending on where
you are in your journey.
If you've experienced this, itmight hit a little too close to
home.
And if you don't feel that youwant to listen to this, go ahead
and skip ahead to the nextepisode.
For those of you that might bewalking beside someone who's
(01:16):
going through this, this couldgive you a little bit of insight
on what they might be feeling.
As I left off at the end ofepisode one, Terry, Kristen's
uncle, had said it was time togo to the funeral home.
So the drive there, as youmight expect, was a quiet one.
(01:38):
At least it was quiet until wearrived in the parking lot.
And then Kristen's mom begansaying, I can't do this.
I just can't do this.
And Terry and others in the carcontinued to reassure her that
she could and that she had to.
(02:00):
She looked at me then, and thenshe said it again, I can't do
this.
And as much as that voice in myhead was screaming the same
thing that she was saying, Isomehow still managed to come
out with we have to.
Certainly not what I wasfeeling at the time.
(02:23):
I'm not even sure where it camefrom, but there it was.
I couldn't back down now.
I'd even committed both of usto do this.
So she reluctantly nodded herhead and we got out of the car
and began walking toward thedoor.
And one thing I recall aboutthat walk very clearly is that
(02:50):
my legs seemed like they weighedabout 500 pounds each.
Um, once we got to the door andpassed through, we were
immediately greeted by thefuneral home directors.
The family that owned andoperated the funeral home had
done so for many years, and Ieven went to school with the
(03:12):
sons, who were now running the Iguess the quote unquote family
business.
Um so it was it was all just abit of an odd feeling.
So they escorted us to a roomwith a big conference table.
We all took our seats and itbegan.
What took place was it was justawful and uncomfortable.
(03:39):
Um Terry kept things going whenwe were being asked question
after question.
Um they were just simplygathering information that they
needed to put in Kristen'sobituary.
Name of the parents, thebrothers or sisters, surviving
grandparents, cousins, aunts,uncles.
(04:01):
I mean, it just kept going on.
And then they asked, had wedecided who would preside over
the funeral, and naturally wetold them that it was Terry.
And then who would bepallbearers?
And again, one question afteranother.
And then came a really uh whatfelt like to me was a really
(04:25):
staggering question.
And they asked, what day do youwant the funeral?
Well, I don't want it on anyday.
I mean, I don't want it at all.
I don't even want to be here.
But we had to discuss that.
You know, who was coming?
Um, when could they get here?
All the logistics, and frankly,I didn't care.
(04:46):
Um, I didn't want to do any ofthis.
I still couldn't put my headaround the fact that Kristen was
gone.
But reluctantly we decided thatthe funeral would be Saturday,
the viewing would be Friday, andtoday was Thursday.
(05:07):
And then the questions startedagain.
Had we thought about music?
Did we want a family car?
Do we have a cemetery plotpicked out?
I mean, a cemetery plot?
Are you kidding me?
I mean, my daughter was 20years old.
Why would I have a cemeteryplot picked out for her?
(05:28):
And then it hit me.
We have to go pick onesomewhere.
And about that time, Terryspoke up and told us that a
pastor at a small church justoutside of West Monroe had
offered a family plot in thechurch's small private cemetery,
(05:50):
free of charge.
Um, I didn't know what to sayor even think.
Kristen's mom and I just lookedat each other and neither of us
had an answer.
So Terry told us we coulddecide all that later.
So after numerous questions anddecisions about all the
particulars surrounding thearrangements, at least what I
(06:13):
thought were all theparticulars, the funeral
director said we would have togo pick out a casket.
You gotta be kidding me.
No, I that is not what I wantedto do.
But he had us get up and followhim.
So we left our room and enteredanother doorway, which led to
(06:37):
the casket room, as best I cancall it.
Any strength I had left feltlike it just went away at that
very moment when when he openedthe door and I saw all those
caskets set up in that room.
Um, it was like someone punchedme in the stomach again.
(06:58):
Kristen's mom and I just heldon to each other at this point
and started walking reallyslowly around the room.
One of the most stark andlasting impressions of that room
that I recall were small pricecards that were set up on each
(07:18):
casket.
I mean, price cards.
The price was for the casketonly, or with a liner, or a
complete funeral package.
You know, maybe this seemsnormal to you, and and I get it,
the funeral industry isnecessary and it is a business
and needs to show a profit.
(07:39):
But at that particular time, itfelt like we were on a used car
lot.
I mean, we didn't have lifeinsurance for our 20-year-old
daughter and didn't have deeppockets, so it seemed as if we
were putting a price on ourdaughter's worth.
I mean, it was truly asickening feeling.
(08:01):
And as we continued to movethrough that room, we came
across a casket that, as strangeas it sounds, actually caught
our eye.
I mean, I'm just I'm not sureif that's the right way to
describe that moment.
I guess maybe a better way tosay it is that we saw one that
just felt as right as a feelinglike this could feel.
(08:25):
So that's the one we chose.
Then back to the room with theconference table, and the final
arrangements were made.
The funeral director left theroom and then returned in a few
minutes with a total price.
And what he said was the bestwe can do is six thousand nine
(08:47):
hundred and seventy-ninedollars.
The best we can do.
I mean, it was it just seemedlike a strange statement.
And again, that feeling ofvaluing my daughter, like
negotiating a price of a car,all those unpleasant thoughts
(09:08):
just were rising from the pit ofmy stomach.
And I mean, who knew a funeralwould cost $7,000?
I mean, not me.
My dad's funeral had beenprearranged and and prepaid for
years.
So as I I start to digest theamount, then came the statement,
(09:28):
and we'll need half down tobegin the arrangements.
The balance will be due in 30days from the funeral.
Okay, granted, this is abusiness.
But when someone is feeling theway we were feeling at that
particular time, this was just acold shock to an already
(09:50):
shocked system.
Kristen's mom looked at me andsaid, I don't have that kind of
money, do you?
Normally my answer would havebeen no, but it happened that I
had money in my business accountfrom the Veil Across tournament
that Kristen had just helped mewith in Colorado just a couple
(10:12):
of weeks before.
I mean, technically, it wasn'teven my money, it was money that
my business owed for productfrom that event.
But what choice did I have?
I I only had personal checkswith me, and the director said I
(10:33):
could use the computer in hisoffice and access my account and
just transfer the money.
So he led me to his computer, Itransferred the money and wrote
them a check for half of thetotal cost.
So right around $3,500.
And then back to the room wewent, and I guess you could say
(10:56):
the deal was complete.
So it I'm sure it seems thatI'm I'm frustrated with how it
all went down.
But given my mental state ofthe time, I don't see any other
logical reaction.
Um if I can offer any advice toanyone you know with children,
(11:21):
or you, if you have children, itwould be this no matter how
young the child or children are,get life insurance on them.
Or at the very least, as darkas it might sound, get a burial
policy established.
I mean, do it now.
(11:43):
No one should ever have to gothrough the ordeal that we did
and then be asked to make a halfdown deposit.
So just take care of it.
I mean, just take care of itnow and pray that you'll never
see the day you need to use it,and then just don't think about
(12:05):
it again.
So with everything concludedthat we needed to do at that
time, I asked if Kristen was inthe funeral home.
And they told me she was andasked if I'd like to see her,
and of course I said I would.
(12:25):
They told me to wait while theybrought her in to the chapel.
So they told me that she wasjust on a gurney and covered in
a sheet.
Um, but I didn't care.
I just wanted to see mydaughter.
So we made our way into thehallway and and in just a few
(12:49):
minutes they came out and said Icould go in.
I told those that were with methere that I just wanted to go
in alone, just to give me a fewminutes with her by myself.
And I opened the door, I lookeddown the aisle to see my
(13:11):
daughter, her body covered in awhite sheet, and tears began
just flowing uncontrollably as Istarted putting one foot in
front of the other, moving downthe aisle of the chapel.
I just kept shaking my head,no.
(13:32):
This simply couldn't be real.
This could not be happening.
This is not how I last saw her.
I mean, when I saw her last,she was laughing and waving by
to me in Denver, full of life,like full of hope, full of
dreams, so much life ahead.
(13:54):
That's what I saw in mydaughter the last time I saw
her, but it's not what I sawnow.
I stepped up to her and startedstroking her hair, and I just
kept repeating, you know, thatthis isn't right and it can't be
happening.
And telling her she can't begone.
(14:17):
And I stayed with her for awhile.
I honestly don't remember ifanyone came in or or I just
left.
But the next thing I recall isbeing in the hallway again, and
and then the topic came up ofpicking out clothes for Kristen
(14:39):
for the viewing the next day.
And then I remembered Kristengot several dresses while she
was in Denver with me, and andone in particular that I knew
she really liked.
So that meant it was time to goget her things from where she'd
been living since she returnedto Monroe.
And that was a task that I didnot relish.
(15:02):
So I'll stop for now.
And I know that that's a lot totake in and a lot to process,
and I'll just leave that withyou.
And as we move forward into thenext episode, I'm going to tell
you a story about my experienceafter the funeral, and one that
(15:28):
has inspired this podcast, apart of this story that offers
that first tiny glimmer of hopefor me.
So until next time, take careof the city.
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