I believe that during the course of our lives, both individually and collectively, our daily activities, experiences and relationships are woven together to eventually form an amazing and complex tapestry; our very own life’s tapestry. A tapestry is made up of so many threads, each with its own purpose and distinct place in the pattern being created. But why those threads; why then; why now. Let's discover some of those threads in my life's tapestry.
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Episode Transcript
Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe.
I'm your host, Bruce Barker.
This is episode four.
It's called A Randomly PlannedTapestry.
You know, I believe that duringthe course of our lives, both
individually and collectively,our daily activities,
experiences, and relationshipsare woven together to eventually
(00:58):
form an amazing and complextapestry, our very own life's
tapestry.
So what do I mean when I referto life's tapestry?
Well, let me give you twoactual definitions of tapestry.
I mean I looked them up.
One, a piece of thick textilefabric with pictures or designs
(01:22):
formed by weaving colored weftthreads or by embroidery on
canvas used as a wall hanging orfurniture covering.
Also used in reference to anintricate or complex combination
of things or sequences ofevents.
So I'm going to use both ofthese definitions as I begin to
(01:44):
unpack the first three episodesfor you.
While I've I've been able tonarrate those episodes for you
in less than a total of anhour's time, the revelations I
learned from many of thoseevents has taken me years, and
I'm still learning.
So let's visualize a tapestry.
(02:06):
Maybe you've seen them inmovies, you know, those giant
cloths hanging from the wallsand castles.
Um maybe you've seen themdisplayed in a museum.
Um, I mean, I doubt that yourneighbor has a tapestry hanging
on their wall, or maybe you haveone who does.
That'd be kind of cool.
But if you haven't seen atapestry, um, go ahead and look
(02:29):
it up on the web.
Like, go ahead, take a look.
I can wait.
But, you know, but whetheryou've seen one before or you
just looked it up, I think youwould agree that it's an amazing
pattern of woven thread or yarnof multiple colors bound
together, you know, to form abeautiful image.
(02:52):
Depending on how intricate itis, it could take quite a long
time to look and really absorball the parts that form the
tapestry.
I think we can agree that ittook the artist or crafts person
a very long time to create, buteach creator had a clear vision
(03:14):
and a plan for the completedwork.
Now, if you looked up atapestry on the web, take a look
at the back side.
In most cases, it appears to bea jumbled mess of knotted,
fragmented, ragged, and chaoticthreads.
Although in some cases thereare only a few threads that are
(03:37):
loose and hanging.
But remember that the otherside, the front side, has a
perfectly arranged pattern ofthose same ragged threads.
I believe that we spend most ofour lives on the back side of
life's tapestry, doing the workfrom that side, hoping,
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believing, and maybe eventrusting that the front side
will come out as a wonderfuldisplay of a great life.
And sometimes, if we'refortunate or really in tune with
ourselves, spend time inself-reflection.
We can get an occasionalglimpse at the front side, the
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side the world sees.
We may even have a clear visionand plan of the life we are
weaving, but rarely does thatvision or plan work out the way
we thought.
You know, this is especiallytrue when a life-altering event
occurs, something outside thenormal pattern of the day-to-day
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that changes things forever.
This is the time to rememberthat we are not the master
artist in charge of thetapestry.
But that's easier said thandone.
And now we find ourselves inthe knotted, chaotic wad of
threads.
At least that's where I foundmyself after my daughter died.
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I could not possibly see theother side of the tapestry.
I could not see what hadalready been woven.
I could not see what was beingwoven then on a daily basis.
But as time moved forward, Ibegan to get a glimpse of the
(05:29):
other side.
So let me tell you about someof those threads.
There are times in our liveswhen we meet someone that at the
time just seems like a normalpart of life, like people you
get to know in a group thatyou're involved in, or a change
in a workplace, maybe a party orsocial gathering.
(05:51):
Who knows?
There are any number of ways tomeet and get to know someone.
For instance, I joined mychurch choir in 2003 and spent a
lot of time with that group ofpeople.
Um, you know, and when duringany number of rehearsals or
activities, one of the people inthe choir was a 26-year-old
(06:13):
nurse named Michelle.
She was a really nice personthat everyone really liked.
I didn't know much about her.
We weren't especially close,but I learned something
impactful about her after aSunday in 2005 when she didn't
show up for church.
(06:34):
Now, her best friend couldn'tget in touch with her, and she
decided to check on her becauseMichelle had been house sitting
for our choir director.
So when she went looking forher friend after church, she
found her.
Michelle, the 26-year-oldnurse, choir member, and very
(06:56):
loved person, had died overnighton the couch at our choir
director's house.
We later learned that she diedfrom ketoacidosis.
The first time I had ever heardthat word.
You see, Michelle had type 1diabetes, just like my daughter.
And this is how I found out.
(07:17):
So the next time I heard theword ketoacidosis, it was from
the coroner who performedKristen's autopsy.
He told me the cause of deathwas ketoacidosis, a complication
from type 1 diabetes, where theblood sugars are extremely
(07:37):
high, causing the blood tobecome acidic.
Now, some of the symptoms arenausea and vomiting, weakness,
fatigue, and confusion.
So while ketoacidosis istreatable when recognized and
medical attention is taken,untreated, it leads to coma and
(07:59):
eventually death.
And this is what happened toKristen.
At some point in the afternoon,one of her friends thought she
might have food poisoning andjust placed a small garbage can
by her bed since she was tooweak to get up and go to the
bathroom.
When they checked on her thenext morning, she had died at
(08:19):
some point during the night.
Before I really knew aboutketoacidosis, I couldn't
understand how Kristen's bloodsugars had progressed to a level
that would kill her.
She was always so in tune withher body.
If her sugar was low, she knewit.
If her sugar was high, she knewit.
She knew those big changes ofher sugar levels without
(08:43):
testing.
And if she were sleeping whenit happened, she'd wake up.
So how did this happen?
But then I learned about howketoacidosis affects someone.
And I remembered Michelle, anurse, who most definitely knew
all about ketoacidosis.
So I had a very small answer asto how.
Michelle was a purposefulthread in my tapestry.
(09:08):
And then there was Luther, um,an incredible guy I met and got
to know in a men's group atchurch in 2003.
He was a former rocker who hada passion for music, people, and
Jesus, but not really in thatorder.
You know, he always had a smileon his face.
(09:29):
But while he was around my age,he moved like he was in his
80s.
It was clear to see that he wasin constant pain, especially
when walking.
As I got to know Luther more, Ifound out that the reason he
was in such chronic pain was dueto the side effects of
(09:50):
rejection drugs he had to take.
You see, Luther was a diabeticfor over 25 years, and in 2001,
he received a kidney andpancreas transplant.
The transplant was neededbecause of the extensive damage
diabetes had done to his organsover the years.
(10:12):
So what was also unique aboutLuther's transplant was that he
received his organs from a youngman in Wyoming who was killed
in an auto accident on September12th, 2001.
Yes, that's the day after the9-11 attacks.
The only private or commercialplane allowed to fly in the U.S.
(10:35):
on September 12th flew fromWyoming to Denver carrying the
donated organs Luther needed tosurvive.
It was uncomfortable to seeLuther in such pain, day after
day, month after month, yearafter year.
It never really got any better.
It just got to be one of thosethings I saw as Luther's new
(10:58):
normal.
So it was just how it was.
I mean, we all know people whoare living with a variety of
ailments.
But the real impact of knowingLuther and his pain was later
processing one detail in thecall from the coroner who
performed Kristen's autopsy.
(11:18):
One of the things he told mewas that Kristen's organs were
in such bad shape from thedamage caused by her diabetes
that she would have been lookingat the need for a transplant
within five to ten years.
And I realized that sheprobably would have experienced
the same chronic pain thatLuther lived with.
(11:41):
So Luther was a purposefulthread in my tapestry.
I'm not sure if I mentioned itpreviously, but in 2003, I
started coaching Girls Lacrossewith a friend of mine.
She introduced me to the game,and I immediately was hooked on
the skill, the flow,competitiveness, and excitement
(12:02):
of the women's game.
You see, there's a bigdifference between boys and
girls lacrosse.
In my somewhat biased opinion,girls lacrosse requires far more
skill and finesse than that ofthe boys' game.
Now that may start some debatesin your home if you have a son
that plays, but I'll just letthat go for now.
All right, sorry for thesidetrack there, but over the
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years, I developed a passion forcoaching the girls' game.
It was like having a team fullof daughters around me with
Kristen living in Louisiana.
My coaching had progressed fromyouth to high school lacrosse,
and I was quite involved withColorado Girls Lacrosse.
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In 2005, 2006, and 2007, I hadthe honor of being one of four
coaches named to represent theRocky Mountain Region team and
take two teams of the bestplayers in Utah and Colorado to
the U.S.
LaCrosse Women's NationalTournament back east each of
those three years.
(13:07):
It was a prestigious eventbringing players, coaches, and
innovators of the sport togetherfrom all over the country.
It was always an amazing fourdays over Memorial Day weekend.
And at the event in 2005, I wasable to learn about Gene Albert
(13:28):
and his creation of the HLAFoundation in honor of his
daughter, Heather Lee Albert,who passed away in 1993 at 21
years of age.
As noted on their website, theHLA Foundation is committed to
engaging and inspiring youthgirls and women through sport
(13:52):
and lacrosse with a positive andconstructive atmosphere.
He created the Heather LeeAlbert Award given to an
outstanding player at thetournament.
I was extremely impressed andinspired by Gene's story and
ability to create thisfoundation that touched so many
girls and young women over theyears.
(14:15):
And the inspiration I gainedfrom him was never more powerful
than when I returned to coachagain in 2007 at that event.
It was then that I actually metGene and we shared our stories
of losing daughters so young.
So there we were, two fathersstanding on a hill, watching
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amazing young women play thesport they loved and talking
about our grief journeys.
I'll never forget what he toldme.
He said, Bruce, you'll neverget over this.
You'll just learn how to livelife differently.
But you'll live life again.
Gene was a purposeful thread inmy tapestry.
(15:03):
After Kristen died in 2006, Iimmediately started receiving
cards, emails, and donationsfrom girls lacrosse programs all
over the state and nationwide.
I didn't even realize thatsomeone out there must have
known of the expenses that comewith a funeral.
(15:24):
I know I had no idea and wasvery surprised when I opened up
the first card and a check fellout.
And then a couple of weekslater, I learned about a
Memorial Lacrosse tournamentthat one of the local coaches,
also named Kristen, hadorganized as a fundraiser.
I was blown away.
(15:46):
I remember mustering up enoughenergy to go to the tournament
and witness these girls frommultiple teams around the state
playing lacrosse and doing itthat day for my daughter.
The lacrosse community wastruly my lacrosse family.
(16:07):
The support I received fromcountless players, coaches,
parents, leaders, and legends ofthe game carried me through
those first few months ofagonizing grief.
It gave me a purpose forgetting up every morning and
heading out the door.
(16:28):
All of those players, coaches,parents, leaders, and legends of
the game were purposefulthreads in my tapestry.
Near the end of 2006, there wasa head coach opening at Regis
Jesuit High School here inDenver.
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And at that time, I didn't knowif I wanted to coach again.
Didn't know if I could handlebeing around 25 daughters every
day.
Didn't know how I would coachif I could coach.
But numerous friends fromcoaching and former players'
parents urged me to apply aninterview for the position,
(17:15):
which I did.
As I sat there in theinterview, I told the AD, and we
called him Koz my story and allthe reasons not to hire me.
I told him I don't know how Iwould react in practices or
games.
Would I be sad, mad,overprotective of the girls?
(17:37):
I just didn't know.
But Koz said the girls wouldknow.
They would understand.
And they needed me to be theircoach.
So I took the job.
And that first year, aspredicted, I had times of being
very sad, very mad, and veryoverprotective.
(18:00):
It was an emotional season.
And those girls carried methrough that year.
They were so understanding,inspiring, and made me so proud
to be their coach.
And their parents were amazing,so incredibly patient and
supportive.
There was one particular parentwho asked me to lunch to get to
(18:24):
know her daughter's new coach,but also to share her story
since she knew mine.
Olga had such empathy as shelearned more about my story and
journey.
She then shared one powerful,life-changing event in her life.
She told me about the momentswhen she stopped breathing after
(18:47):
a surgery several years beforeand the experience she had until
she was revived.
She emailed me her story andsuggested that I start writing
down mine.
As Olga shared the story abouther time in the hospital, she
wrote, My husband had beenvisiting, and then I told him to
(19:12):
go and take a break, getsomething to eat, make phone
calls, whatever he needed to do.
I felt great and was going torest.
That was about 220 or 230 inthe afternoon.
After he left my room, Istopped breathing.
I remember talking to myhusband one minute, and the
next, I'm in the most wonderfulplace.
(19:34):
The first thing I noticed wasthis amazing blue-green color,
most vibrant color that isindescribable.
Then I see these people aboveme.
I don't know if I'm sittingdown or standing.
I just know I was looking up atthem.
They were surrounding the frontof me, making a half circle.
(19:59):
They were very close together.
They were communicating with mehow happy they were to see me,
but they weren't talking.
I tell them how happy I am tobe here.
The joy and glory wasoverwhelming.
I couldn't see their facesbecause there was a very bright
light that I was looking upinto.
(20:20):
They just kept telling me overand over how happy they were.
I could actually feel a warmbreeze that started at my
fingertips and went up throughmy body.
I was overwhelmed with joy.
It was the most gloriousfeeling, unimaginable,
indescribable.
(20:41):
I'm still basking in happiness,just so into the moment, this
wonderful, glorious feeling.
Then there was a clap, itseemed to be almost touching my
face, then complete blackness,and then a kind, soft, but
extremely firm voice says, It'stime to wake up now.
(21:03):
I say, Okay.
This voice was not one that youwould say no to, but I can tell
you that I didn't want to wakeup.
I knew it meant going back, andI opened my eyes, and the first
person I saw was my husband.
Now, you may or may not believein these near-death experiences
(21:28):
when you hear about them.
Well, I can tell you that I do.
And as I processed Olga'sstory, it all started to make
sense.
So if you remember myexperience on the flight back to
Denver that I described inepisode three, that overwhelming
feeling of pure peace, pure joythat I felt when brushing
(21:53):
against the passenger sittingnext to me, and each time she
touched me, well, it all becameclear.
I now understood that feeling.
I knew it was from beyond thisearth.
I knew it was a tiny conduit.
I knew Kristen was reaching outto me through Christine.
(22:14):
I knew Kristen answered myquestion if she was okay.
She was beyond okay.
And I know that Olga wasdefinitely a purposeful thread
in my tapestry.
So let's go back to that firstweek.
(22:34):
If you remember from a previousepisode, I mentioned that I
needed to go and retrieveKristen's belongings from where
she had been living after shereturned to Monroe.
One of those items was her cellphone.
I was desperate for answers andwent through her phone with a
fine tooth comb.
I was looking at text messages,photos, phone calls, anything
(22:57):
that might give me a betteranswer of what happened to her.
There was one call in her phonethat was puzzling.
It was the last number shepunched in.
But it wasn't right.
Now at that time, Kristen had aflip phone.
And for those of you whoremember those, if you wanted to
(23:19):
send a text message, you neededto use the alphanumeric keys
that corresponded with a letteryou wanted.
So I had Kristen's phone andwas driving back to her mom's
house and had a couple offriends in the car.
When I saw the last entry, Ipulled over and told my friends
that we needed to figure thisout, that the phone number was
(23:40):
not an actual number.
I mentioned the texting onthose phones that you need to
hit the pound sign for a spacein a text.
And I said it must be a textthat she thought she was sending
to someone.
Instead, it was a call.
So I read the sequence outloud.
(24:04):
Seven, five, three, two, seven,three, a pound, four, three,
five, seven, pound, six, three.
I referenced the keypad andthen said the first word is
(24:29):
please.
And they said the last twowords are help me.
So Kristen's last communicationever was please help me.
And remember, one of thesymptoms of ketoacidosis is
confusion.
I don't know who she thoughtshe was texting, but her last
(24:52):
plea was please help me.
But that was at 3.26 p.m.
on July 24th, 2006.
And Kristen fell into a comaand died sometime before the
next morning.
But her plea did not gounanswered.
(25:14):
So it was many months later,after processing all of the
various interactions andexperiences, that I was starting
to get a glimpse of the frontof my tapestry.
It was a time that I referredto as bittersweet surrender.
Yes, just like the big headTodd in the monster song
(25:35):
Bittersweet Surrender.
But it took a surrender on mypart to see how it was all woven
together.
So let's start weaving it.
I knew Michelle to understandthat it wasn't Kristen's fault.
Michelle was a nurse, very intune with her body, and diabetes
(25:58):
still took her life.
Kristen was in tune as well.
But ketoacidosis scrambledeverything and put Kristen in a
sleep she had no way of wakingup from.
I knew Luther because I wasable to witness the agony he
dealt with every day because hereplaced the organs that
(26:19):
diabetes destroyed in order toextend his life.
Since that seemed to be theinevitable path for Kristen,
would I have wanted her to be 30years old, living in constant
pain?
No.
And it seems that God didn'twant that for her either.
When she sent out that finalplea of please help me, the only
(26:45):
one to answer, the only one whocould answer was God.
He was the only one who couldtake her away from all the agony
that was coming her way, andtake her to a paradise that was
an unimaginable peace.
(27:05):
Olga described it as best shecould.
I physically felt a tinyfraction of it on that flight.
I know she is now perfect,living in pure peace, living in
paradise.
But my beautiful daughter, mypurpose for living, was gone
from this earth.
(27:26):
However, a new purposepresented itself in the hundreds
of girls that I've coached overthe years.
Lacrosse and those girls gaveme strength, they gave me
laughter, they gave me life,they gave me purpose.
There was a reason I was stillhere, still alive.
(27:48):
While I now know all of this,you might ask me if it takes the
grief away, if I'm over theloss, the answer is no.
I'll never be over the loss,and the grief will always be
part of my life.
But as Gene Albert told me,I'll just learn to live life
(28:11):
differently.
And if you've lost a child, sowill you.
You might be in the middle of avery messy, chaotic nest of
threads, but on the other side,out of your current sight, there
is an amazing tapestry, yourlife's tapestry.
(28:32):
Keep pushing through until youget a chance to see what
everyone else sees when theylook at you and your life's
journey.
Your purpose may not be clearor even visible right now, but
it's there.
You'll find it.
Trust me on that one.
Next time, I'll talk about whatI thought was going to be the
(28:56):
year of firsts, but it turnedout to be years of firsts.
I'll explain that next time.
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