In the midst of the Holidays, The First Time Since talks about those events, favorite places and special occasions that we experience for the first time since losing a child, or anyone close to us. Simply living life day by day will reveal moments of remembrance that can trigger sorrow, pain, anger and more. But this can feel overwhelming during the Holiday season. If only to know that you are not alone with your avalanche of emotions, maybe this episode will give you a glimmer of connection with another grieving parent.
Help keep the Don’t Forget To Breathe podcast going. Become a supporter today and be part of the movement to bring light, connection, and hope to those living with loss. Follow this link to become a Supporter:
Episode Transcript
Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe.
I'm your host, Bruce Barker.
This is episode five, and Icall it the first time since.
I thought it was time to talkabout what many of us dread the
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holidays without someone wecherish.
You know, while this podcastseries primarily focuses on my
journey after losing a child,what has become very apparent to
me is as we enter thisparticular holiday season, it's
that with the impact of thisglobal pandemic, there are far,
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far more people who areexperiencing a holiday without
someone they love.
It's a tragic time in ourliving history that has caused
so much pain, stress, anxiety,depression, and grief.
You know, life is not easy.
It takes a lot of work.
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And navigating daily lifethrough a pandemic just makes
life even harder.
But throw in the unexpectedloss of a loved one, and life
goes from not easy to almostunbearable.
So as I said in theintroduction episode, this is
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not a how-to podcast.
I'm just hoping that by hearingmy journey struggles and
experiences, it might give you aglimmer of feeling that you're
not alone.
Some of my early strategies indealing with the holidays may
have worked for me at the time,but as I've learned, they were
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not a long-term benefit nor apath to healing.
But they worked for me untilthey didn't work.
Now, when I originally startedwriting notes about the period
in my life back in 2007, Icalled it the year of firsts,
experiencing special events andplaces during that first year
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after my daughter died.
These were obvious events likeher birthday, holidays, or
special occasions.
But it was also places orexperiences we shared.
As simple as a particularbeach, a movie theater, a
restaurant, a park.
But what I learned after thefirst year was it isn't just the
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first year of going to or beingat a particular place that
would challenge my emotions,that would trigger a powerful
grief response.
In my case, there were manyplaces I didn't happen to
revisit until years later, andthe memories of Kristen and I at
these places still hit hard andstill required work to get
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through.
I remember the first time Iwatched the Macy's Thanksgiving
Day parade after my daughterdied.
It was heart-wrenching.
I mean, to this day, when Iwatch a parade, especially in
person, though that's not beenthe case this year, but even so,
especially in person, I will atsome point get a little choked
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up.
It's just a flood of emotionthat comes over me when I hear
the marching band and see themwave to the people lining the
parade routes, or seeing kids inthe crowd light up, you know,
when a float goes by or a clownwaves at them.
I mean, not the scary clowns,those are still creepy.
I think it's just emotionsslipping out of that wall that
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I've created that kept them in.
But when you see pure joy andinnocence, they just come out.
And while watching thebeginning of this year's Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade lastmonth, the tears flowed again.
But this time, I felt a littlesmile showing up during those
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tears as I thought more aboutthose shared memories with
Kristen.
So I'd call that progress.
But going back to that firstThanksgiving without Kristen, I
watched the parade, made myThanksgiving meal for one, and
tried to watch a littlefootball.
I somehow managed to getthrough that day, but then the
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thought of Christmas loomingjust a few weeks away.
I told myself that there was noway I was going to do
Christmas.
No tree, no decorations of anykind, not sending Christmas
cards, and changing the stationif I heard Christmas music.
I mean, just avoiding anythingthat had to do with Christmas.
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That was my plan.
So what did I do on ChristmasDay?
Certainly, I didn't lookoutside to see kids in the
street with a new bike or intheir yard playing with new
toys.
None of that.
I didn't want to see any ofthat joy that related to
Christmas.
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So I came up with a plan.
All the best movies of the yearwould come out on Christmas.
So I looked up my favoritetheater and I planned out the
entire day of movies, from thefirst feature that started
around 10 o'clock in the morninguntil the last showing, which
was closer to midnight.
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So I bought my tickets to gofrom one movie to the next,
eating hot dogs as my lunch anddinner and popcorn all day.
I got to the theater when itopened up, and I didn't leave
until the last movie was over.
Then I drove home, went to bed,and just like that, Christmas
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was over.
This was my plan, this was mystrategy each Christmas, and it
worked.
Or so I thought.
So throughout that first year,each time I would find myself
somewhere for the first timesince Kristen and I were there,
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it was hard.
Emotionally challenging anddraining.
In March 2007, eight monthsafter Kristen died, I took my
new lacrosse team on our springtraining trip to Walt Disney
World and the wide world ofsports complex in Orlando.
We arrived at the Orlandoairport and bam, back at that
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airport, the first time since.
As I mentioned in episode one,I was in the amusement park
industry for many years andlived in Orlando for quite a
while.
I had years of meetingKristen's flights in this
airport from the time she wasthree.
My mom would travel with heruntil she could fly on her own.
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I had park mascots come with meto greet her.
Um, when you know when she'dget off the plane, we'd have
balloons and surprises.
It was always such a joyousevent.
Then there were the countlesstears.
Every time I took her back tothat airport to catch her flight
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back to Louisiana.
Laughter and heartache were thenorm for me at the Orlando
International Airport.
And now I was back with 18 veryexcited high school girls eager
to play lacrosse and explorethe Disney parks.
And I was battling my emotionsto stay focused on my
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responsibility as their coachand seeing and remembering so
many times there with Kristen.
The next day we got a breakfrom our training and scrimmages
and went to the park, and bam,the ride on the monorail,
walking into the entrance ofMagic Kingdom, this ride, that
ride.
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My heart and head werespinning.
There were moments when I hadto step away, knowing tears were
coming.
Kristen and I spent countlesshours at the parks.
Again, seeing the girls sohappy and feeling the sorrow of
missing my daughter all mixedtogether.
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It certainly was a trip I'llnever forget.
And after that trip, that'swhen it hit me that there would
be more moments like this that Iwould experience throughout
that year of first.
The summer of 2007, when I wentback to the Vale shootout
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without Kristen.
That was extremely hard.
I wasn't even going to go untilseveral other lacrosse vendors,
um, you know, that I got toknow over the years, and and
they also got to know Kristenevery summer, convinced me to
come back.
If nothing else, they said tohonor Kristen.
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So back to Vale I went, and Irode that emotional roller
coaster again.
Then July 26th came, and thatwas the first anniversary of
Kristen's passing.
I mean, it was a brutal day ofsadness and anger and depression
and despair.
But then I thought the year offirst was over.
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But that that wasn't the case.
Kristen's birthday was inOctober, and that was very hard,
not any easier than it was theyear before.
Then the holidays were back.
Same routine for Thanksgiving,not a whole lot easier.
Then Christmas rolled around.
Again, no tree or decorations,but my movie plan went off
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without a hitch.
Then in March 2008, anotherspring training trip to Florida,
but this time to a facilitynear Cocoa Beach.
Same arrival in Orlando, thenvans to Coco.
A couple of our activities weregoing to Cocoa Beach and then
to the Kennedy Space Center.
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And there at the beach, it hitsme again.
The flood of memories withKristen when we'd drive to the
beach.
This beach.
Then again at the Kennedy SpaceCenter, where we had been
several times before and spentso much time on the causeway
watching shuttle launches.
It was another emotional trip.
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But once I was back in Denver,I reflected on the many places
Kristen and I had been, all thethings we had done together over
the years.
And that's when it reallyoccurred to me and became clear
that the year of first wasactually going to be far longer
than just a year.
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So what would I do each time Ifound myself in another place we
shared?
Could I just avoid them all?
That wasn't realistic.
I mean, Kristen and I covered alot of geography in the years
of visits and trips we madetogether.
Each time I would step intothat shared place, shared
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memory, it would be a challenge,even painful.
I made a decision that I neededto endure and push through
those encounters, if you will,in order to recapture those
events, those places and eventhose celebrations.
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I needed to get those placesback for myself to take them
back.
That's not to say I'm cuttingKristen out of the memory, far
from it.
But just doing the work to takeownership again of that place,
that event, that memory.
It is a purposeful exerciseeach time I find myself
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somewhere for the first timesince, but at least I try.
The only exception to that planfor many years was Christmas.
I just couldn't go there.
It was too painful, tooemotional.
And that's probably what manyof you are feeling right now.
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Here we are in the midst of theholiday season.
And for five years, the movieday was a solid strategy for me
to avoid Christmas.
But that all changed in 2011.
I was blessed to get remarriedin the summer of 2011.
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I won't get into a lot ofparticulars involving my new
family since that isn't just mystory, and I want to honor their
privacy.
But what I will say is thatduring the Christmas season of
2011, that flood of suppressedand buried emotions were harsh.
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I mean, they were hurtful anddevastating to the people around
me that I love.
I learned that my Christmasavoidance strategy that I
thought worked for the fiveyears prior was in fact a
ticking time bomb.
You see, one can bury painfulemotions and ignore them, not
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not think about them.
But basically, all the thingsthat you're tied into feeling
grief and you try to bury theydon't decompose.
They don't decay.
They never go away over time.
They linger, they fester, andactually grow.
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And at some point, as I learnedin 2011, they erupt with the
fury of a volcano.
And anyone in the path of thateruption gets hurt deeply.
So each holiday season since,it has been a hard battle to to
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take back the holidays and findjoy again.
Not only find joy, but toactually feel joy and live it
again.
But it did begin to graduallyget better.
Gradually is the key word here.
I did various therapies andgrief groups at different times,
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but it just wasn't enough.
I wish I had actually done morefocused grief counseling early
on, stuck with it, but I didn't.
However, that is something thatI am doing now.
And here is a tiny example ofthe change I experienced this
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year.
Just a couple of weeks ago, Iwent to the grocery store by
myself and I caught a whiff ofthat cinnamon Christmassy smell,
I guess is the best way I coulddescribe it.
Um you've probably heard you'veprobably smelt it.
It it was a display of thosescented pine cones.
And I stopped, grabbed a bag,took a deep breath of it, and
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then I put it in my cart.
Why?
It smelled like Christmas.
I took it home and I placed itin the living room where we
would soon put up our tree.
So, podcast listener, I'mactually feeling a bit like
Christmas for the first time in14 years.
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And why now?
Was there some therapy or toolsI used to get to this point?
Can I put my finger on whathappened?
What moment defined the turningpoint and how I viewed
Christmas?
Right now, I I can't tell you.
I just I can't tell you that.
I can only say that it justseemed different this year.
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So you might ask, Bruce, howdoes that help me with the dread
I feel with the holidays, witha birthday, a trip to the beach,
the mountains, or any number ofevents I will experience
without the person I love andmiss.
And I don't have a perfectanswer for you right now, but I
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will have a grief recoveryspecialist joining me on
upcoming podcast.
She and I have spoken atlength, and we will dive deep
into discussions, tools, andmore of our own experiences that
we hope will help you continueto navigate your grief.
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But for now, I'll say this.
If you think the Christmasall-day movie plan sounds like a
good idea for that first year,then go for it.
It might help.
But please don't do what I didand fall into that trap of
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repeating that strategy ofavoidance year after year,
burying the hurt, anger, andsadness.
It will come back to bite youat some point, just like it did
to me.
Another observation approachthat event or place you shared
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with a purpose, with an actualplan to take it back, to
recapture it, take ownershipagain.
That beach was there before,and it will be there again.
So take it back.
That park, that store, thatairport, that ski slope, they
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were all there before youcreated that memory with your
loved one.
Now take that space back.
Remember, you aren't cuttingthem out of that memory, but you
are putting yourself up infront, stepping forward, so that
the particular bench where yousat and talked, it's your bench
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again.
Now it's not necessarily aninstant change, and it will take
time and intentionality, but Ithink the more you practice this
taking back strategy, the lessanxious or even paralyzed you
may feel when facing the firsttime since.
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I know this was a rather shortepisode, but it's a pretty heavy
season, and there's probably alot to think about.
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