The One With Abby Simpson

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You sound like Futurama.
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
Keep it together.
Keep it together.
It's the Don't Make it WeirdPodcast With your hosts.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
Daniel and Dina Sorris.
Oh, hello there.
Welcome to the Don't Make itWeird Podcast.
I'm one of your co-hosts,daniel Quigley, and we are your
writing storytelling comedypodcast by the writing community
for whoever the hell wants tolisten.
Anyone.
Seriously, please just listento us.
We love you, we need you, wewant you, and I'm joined, as

(00:33):
always, by my better half, thepeople you guys are all here to
actually see.
I'm joined by the dread darlingof Dauntless Desire, who's both
the dragon and the butterflythe dragon and the butterfly
Dinosaurus.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Hi, Dina.
So I have a question.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Yeah, I have an answer.

Speaker 3 (00:51):
So why do ovens only ever like they can be set to
like a five, like a number thatends in five, or a double zero
or a single zero, right, but whydon't recipes ever use a single
zero number?
Do you know what I mean?
Like it's always like 425 or450, like, oh wait, that's it

(01:13):
yeah, never mind my whole thingjust went out the door, never
mind just good job.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
We're off to a rip-roaring start.
I was gonna say I know nothingabout.
I know what you're getting at.
I know what you're getting at.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
It's like you never see like preheat your oven to
360 it's always like a round,like maybe it's usually like
intervals of 25, yeah, so like Iguess it just makes it easier,
but I mean, I think we need tohave abby, uh, the canadian
representative, here, uh give usher opinion on it when she
arrives yeah, and if she is here, guys, I'm so freaking excited

(01:42):
for our guests this week.

Speaker 1 (01:43):
it's been it's been a little bit minute, a little bit
.
It's been a little bit minute,a little bit minute.
It's been a little minute sincewe've had a guest on the show
and we've got our first everguest for season three guys.
And our guest this week is atalented Canadian writer whose
work, both fiction andnonfiction, have appeared in
Vamp, cat Mag Cryer Media andmore.
With a degree in politicalscience from Simon Fraser
University, she brings a uniqueand informed perspective to her

(02:04):
writing.
She has a deep love for theepic scope of crafting
historical fiction, transportingreaders to richly realized
worlds of long ago.
When she's not immersingherself in these historical
narratives, you may find herhiking through the stunning
landscapes of Canada or peoplewatching on a patio with friends
and family.
Her story about MatildaFlanders, the dragon and the
butterfly is available now fromLost Boys Press.

(02:27):
Welcome to the show, abbySimpson.

Speaker 4 (02:33):
Hi guys, How's it going?

Speaker 1 (02:35):
So first question do they have ovens in Canada?

Speaker 4 (02:38):
Yes, they do, and they end in zeros on the setting
and it's in Celsius.
No, it's not Actually.
No, it's not actually.
No, it's not.
My oven has both settings.
But canada's weird, and we aremostly we do.
Temperature is celsius foreverything except for pools and
stoves you know, america has noinconsistent measuring at all.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
Don't talk to us.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yes, completely consistent you guys, I mean it
consistent.

Speaker 4 (03:05):
I mean because obviously we have the British
systems right, like the metricsystems.
And then I mean the Americanculture is so enormous is the
word I'm going to use and soit's so enormous that we
absolutely have little bits ofboth kind of running through

(03:27):
Canadian lives here and there.
So our stoves, though, like Imean I set my stove, I'll
preheat my stove to 350 all thetime, 400 all the time, it's
never 495.
I don't know, maybe that's likedifferent.

Speaker 1 (03:42):
We need to start the movement right now.
Dean, are you in?

Speaker 3 (03:50):
No.

Speaker 4 (03:50):
I don't.
I don't know what movementwe're talking about.
To just dial up, get rid ofvibes?
We're starting a revolutionhere.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
Okay, I need you on board exactly, exactly, uh, and
and over the course of thisepisode, abby, I believe you're
gonna intersperse uh canadafacts for us, because we know
nothing about canada.
Uh, brand new country to theshow.
Um, so we, we welcome all ofour canadian listeners.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
Just the mess is canadian more recently than
remember her.

Speaker 3 (04:18):
But pardon who okay you?

Speaker 4 (04:20):
know our other.
Yes, jess, she lives in thesame city as me.
Actually, what, yeah Can?

Speaker 1 (04:27):
you help us stop just the mess.

Speaker 4 (04:27):
There's like three cities in Canada.

Speaker 2 (04:32):
Yeah, there's Vancouver and Toronto, and then
there's just vast openness.

Speaker 4 (04:36):
No, there's Montreal as well.
So the three biggest.

Speaker 2 (04:38):
Oh, montreal, that's just New France, that's not
Canada.

Speaker 4 (04:42):
The three cities that would be sort of considered
like world class and obviouslyI'm going to make a whole bunch
of people in different citiesupset by saying this but the
three that are considered worldclass in terms of like
population and airport sizes andwhatever else are Toronto.

Speaker 3 (04:58):
Montreal and.

Speaker 4 (04:59):
Vancouver, and Vancouver is where I am, on the
other side, and then there'slike a bunch of other cities
that are also fantastic andwonderful.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
Nova Scotia is in shambles.
Winnipeg is going to be pissed.

Speaker 4 (05:11):
Winnipeg knows where it stands in the hierarchy of
cities.
It's a wonderful place, buttheir winters are 10 months long
and for the two months thatthey don't have winter, they
have black flies are 10 monthslong, and for the two months
that they don't have winter,they have black flies.
So that's fair.
And of course, people who loveManitoba would jump down my
throat and say those arestereotypes, which is fair, but

(05:33):
it's also true that just being amanatee would be in Manitoba
Like it feels like the right.
There's no manatees here.
That's too Just one.

Speaker 1 (05:42):
Just that's too.
Just one.

Speaker 4 (05:44):
Just just just a single one.
No manatees, I mean, I thinkthere's lots of polar bears in
Manitoba, lots of them actually.

Speaker 1 (05:52):
Oh, bless their hearts.
So, so second question, beforewe like really dive into things
Do you know Robin Sparkles andhave you met her personally?

Speaker 4 (06:00):
No, no, but, but also from Vancouver.
It's one of those things.
It just happens, it's justthat's what I said.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
Everyone's in Vancouver Ryan Reynolds,
vancouver, michael J.

Speaker 4 (06:11):
Fox.

Speaker 1 (06:11):
Vancouver.
But you know what transcendsborders, ashley, that everyone
the world over has.

Speaker 2 (06:19):
Who the fuck is, ashley?
You said.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
Ashley I did no such thing.
Please check the tape.
I'll be.

Speaker 4 (06:23):
Ashley, if you want, it's okay.
We love Ashley.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
Hold on, let me rewind the tape.
This is where I'll cut in, thepart where I rewind it and play
it back in slow motion threetimes.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
You know what transcends borders, ashley.
You know what transcendsborders, ashley.
Abby, can I get the first oneout of the way?
Sean hit the music.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
Uh-oh, are we doing this?

Speaker 3 (06:53):
You haven't even introduced him yet.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
Abby, I'm sorry, he's sorry.
So sorry, I didn't mean to getyour name wrong.
Her name's Abby.

Speaker 4 (07:07):
Say her name abby.
Say her name abby, spell itdon't ask him to do that.
He has an editor for a reasoncome on, spell it and, guys, if
you're hearing I have star warsice cubes you want to see.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
I do For the audio only listeners.

Speaker 3 (07:30):
No, it's a Death Star .

Speaker 4 (07:32):
Okay, that's still cool.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
For the folks at home that don't realize.
Dina is wearing nothing but aMillennium Falcon, like the toy
is just covering her body.
Don't check the YouTube, don'twatch the video Nice.
Fantastic.

Speaker 4 (07:44):
Fantastic.
I love that.
That's what the YouTube.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
Don't watch the video Nice, fantastic, fantastic.
I love that, oh God.

Speaker 4 (07:50):
That's our first buzzword.

Speaker 2 (07:51):
Since Daniel hasn't introduced me yet, I'll just
jump right into this.
No, sean.

Speaker 1 (07:57):
I'm doing this.
Come my Shawnee.
Come, come my Shawnee.
You're my butterfly sugar baby.
Come my Shawnee, you're mypretty baby.
I'll make your legs shake.
You make me go crazy.

Speaker 2 (08:07):
producer sean everyone um, awesome choice, uh,
considering shifty shell shockthe lead singer of crazy town
like died two days ago I wasgonna say I thought I read that
rip, rip um hello abby, welcometo the show and welcome everyone

(08:27):
.
Shout out fernando and shifty, Ihope you guys are hanging out.
Um, we play drinking games onthis show and I'm going to bring
them up now because danielalready hit us with a buzzer.
Um, if you hear, that buzzersounds like this, that means
someone said one of our buzzwords or phrases and we must
drink.
Also, we are Buffalo Clubmembers here.

(08:48):
That means we all drink withour off hand and we're all
right-handed here, includingAbby.
Okay, so we'll all be drinkingwith our left hand.
If you catch us drinking withour right hand, let us know in
the comments.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
If we catch one another drinking.
Not a sponsor.

Speaker 4 (09:05):
Both hands.
You can't go both hands yeah,that's a one-hander yeah, I'm
trying to save you guys fromgetting dinged or something, or
like oh no, don't worry about it.
Promo.
No, no one watches it out, I'llblur it out because no one
wants their brand on us.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
I do.
If one of us catches someoneelse here in the studio drinking
with the right hand yellowbuffalo and they're caught, they
have to finish their drink andyeah, so we should have a good
time tonight with that, daniel.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
So.
So, dina, you know what?
I'm going to skip every singlesegment because I have to know.
But I'm going to skip everysingle segment because I have to
know.
I'm just kidding, oh my God.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
I will nuke this show right now.

Speaker 4 (09:50):
Go from the bottom to the top.

Speaker 1 (09:54):
Guys, I need you to dim the lights, to put on some
nice spooky mood music.
Leave your disbelief at thedoor, because it's time for
Dina's TikTok conspiracy corner.

Speaker 3 (10:05):
Okay, this one was really hard for me to pick one.
All of the presidents arerelated.
Every single one of them,except for former President
Trump, was a descendant of KingJohn.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
All right, you know what we're going to bring in our
American presidential expert,abby Simpson.

Speaker 4 (10:30):
Abby- I'm not an American presidential expert,
but I do have.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
Nope, nope, nope, you are, you are.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
This is a yes and situation, abby, you have to
lean into it.

Speaker 1 (10:43):
Okay, okay she.
She spent eight years studyingAmerican presidents.

Speaker 3 (10:47):
Addison's and please continue.
She got a doctorate in it.

Speaker 4 (10:54):
It's funny though because I actually do subscribe
to believe that all WesternEuropean, if you have Western
European ancestry, you descendfrom.
You descend from Charlemagne,like that's not King John,
that's hundreds of years later.
But I do actually subscribe tothis theory, like I do I, and

(11:15):
it's funny Cause obviously everytree starts, you know you're,
you're at the bottom of the tree, and then you have parents, and
then the parents have parentsand every branch just doubles
all the time.
So the odds are actually prettygood that everyone is somehow
related and it makes sense.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
I mean giant NWO conspiracy.
I'm with you, buddy, I'm 100%.

Speaker 4 (11:40):
It's not even there's like a website.
There's lots of websites aboutit and actually, wow, I can't
believe you picked the one thingI'm conspiratorial about.
What in the world, you guys?
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (11:53):
We got the right expert.
I do want to know, because thisis my ADHD brain.
So in America when we talkabout like rednecks and maybe
you're married to your cousin wethink of Alabama and we say
Roll Tide, Roll Tide.
After the University of Alabama, what is the Canadian
equivalent of Roll Tide Like?
What is the Alabama of Canada?

Speaker 4 (12:14):
Vancouver?
No, the Alabama of Canada isrural Alberta probably.

Speaker 2 (12:20):
You gotta go to the deep north Alberta.
Of course I'm not from Alberta.

Speaker 4 (12:23):
So of course I would say that um, but the alberta is
the one province that is themost um into wanting to be
american politically like that Iget.

Speaker 1 (12:39):
I get exactly what that can agree again make canada
great again, the the like themaga crowd is growing in canada.

Speaker 4 (12:47):
It is, it's maga and like they're like make canada
great again and stuff like thenI could rant.
I'm not going to rant becauseit doesn't serve.
However, it is ridiculous andthat is that.
That is.
I'm an expert on that.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
We have political here, if it's funny um also, I
think I'm pretty sure we had aconspiracy corner segment once
where we talked about how donaldtrump is actually a time
traveler and he's his owngrandpa, or something like that.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that all pans out?

Speaker 1 (13:20):
yeah, no, that checks out.
Um.
So like historically, there aretwo figures historically that
really be fucking though, umgangas con and charlemagne.
Like who do you think?

Speaker 3 (13:30):
kind of got out I know this isn't your conspiracy
corner.

Speaker 4 (13:33):
Next segment well, the thing is is like they've
actually done dna research tofigure out.
The gang is con, who had like athousand kids minimum as far as
I'm aware, like I don't think.
I think they stopped countingat some point.

Speaker 3 (13:48):
They're like extravagant or something but
like they're like.

Speaker 4 (13:51):
So he had so many kids and just basically like
raped and pillaged everywhere.
They went right that they haveactually done dna analysis to
determine that, like people inchina all do descend from like
and other parts of asia as well,all do descend genghis khan,
the mongols made it as far aseurope, like into hungary, for

(14:14):
sure.
Um, not, that's not necessarilymy like area that I've like
gone deep down the rabbit holeyet with my like love of history
yet researching and all thatkind of stuff.
But that's, that is so.
Charlemagne did not have asmany children um, because a

(14:36):
thousand is a lot a thousand isa lot of children, and
charlemagne was spending a lotmore of his time impressing the
catholic church.
Genghis Khan obviously.
Yeah, genghis Khan didn't careabout the Catholics very much
yeah like Sheldon Mayne had alot of kids, like a lot Like, I
think like 15-ish maybe.

Speaker 1 (14:55):
But so what we're saying is that his kids were the
one that be fucking though,because, you know, at some point
they had to catch up to GenghisKhan, because I feel like those
are the two ones that peoplesay have a lot of percentage
background there.
I think Genghis Khan is like3.5%.

Speaker 2 (15:10):
Basically, what we're saying is Nick Cannon is
Genghis Khan.

Speaker 4 (15:14):
In a thousand years.
He absolutely could be withouta doubt he's going to trace it
back to Nick Cannon.
And this is yeah, but that'sthe whole plot of Idiocracy is
Duggar types.

Speaker 1 (15:26):
Yeah, we know nothing about the Duggars here.

Speaker 4 (15:28):
Repopulated or populating the future because
they just have kids all the time.
Abby, I'm so sorry, can?

Speaker 1 (15:35):
I stop you here Because I've been trying to be
patient, I've been trying towait and I can't wait anymore.
I need to know are you a tease?

Speaker 4 (15:41):
Who.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
You.

Speaker 4 (15:42):
Me.

Speaker 3 (15:43):
Yeah who you me yeah, sexually such a mean answer.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
So that's, that's the joke.
He's not asking in that context, but that's the joke sexually.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
You were so earnest and honest about it and I love
that answer so much.
That was the nicest responseI've ever heard.

Speaker 4 (16:07):
I'm not the nicest, I'm not the most polite Canadian
that there is, but on a scalelike Canadians I'm still pretty
polite.
I guess I don't know.

Speaker 3 (16:16):
Every Canadian is just so polite compared to
Americans Roll tide.

Speaker 4 (16:21):
It's like the meanest Canadian you you will meet me
is still incredibly politelisten.

Speaker 1 (16:33):
I need you to channel your inner charlemagne.
I need you to tease theaudience a little bit.

Speaker 4 (16:38):
Give us a taste of what you have in store for story
time oh, when I tell you allabout the time that I went to a
hansen concert with my friendmegan and every single
shenanigan that could possiblyhappen happened on the way to
this show.
Okay, okay, okay, and at thestory time, and then home from
the show.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
No, no no, no details , no details.
I now have to wait for anentire segment before I get the
answer to this question, and allI want to hear is about his
hands, and Sean tell us whatwe're doing next.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
Oh, we're going to play a game, you guys, and we're
bringing back an old classic.
It's called true confessions.
This is a game of deception.
Each contestant has preparedtwo confessions.
One is true, the other it a lie.

(17:34):
And you guys, abby is our guest, so she'll confess first you
know you want to ask the firstquestions and I'll bounce off.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (17:46):
I have.

Speaker 2 (17:46):
Let's ask Abby to do number one or number two.
Dina, what do you think?

Speaker 3 (17:52):
Number one.

Speaker 2 (17:53):
Okay, so whatever you had in your mind is confession.
Number one is the one you'regoing to tell us, and it's just
a short, succinct confession.

Speaker 4 (17:59):
Confession like a one sentence thing, and then I'll
hit the timer for interrogationI whenever you're ready, abby I
have seen hansen in concert 25times all right, you guys.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
60 seconds is on the clock did you have to travel to
other cities to see them, orwere they all in, like your home
?

Speaker 4 (18:17):
oh no, I've traveled.
The only time I ever saw themin my hometown was one time when
they went to a bar calledCowboys.
What does Hanson smell like?

Speaker 3 (18:37):
I actually don't know , because I've only met them one
time and I was too nervous tosmell them.
Have you gotten stuff signed bythem?

Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yes, not when I met them, though, did you make
physical contact with them?

Speaker 4 (18:48):
Pardon.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
Did you make physical contact with them?

Speaker 4 (18:51):
I have shaken their hands.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
yes, Can I shake your hand, oh my god.
Super helpful questions.

Speaker 3 (18:56):
Daniel, do you have pictures with them?

Speaker 4 (18:58):
I do actually here.
I have to take you with me Onesec.

Speaker 2 (19:04):
Daniel ask a question because we're running out of
time.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Are they as handsome in person as they seem they
would be.

Speaker 4 (19:10):
Can you just ask if there is?

Speaker 2 (19:11):
Hanson in person, can you see?

Speaker 1 (19:15):
that that's 60 seconds.
There's a glare.
There's a glare.
It's a little blurry.

Speaker 2 (19:20):
I'm going to need you to send me a photo of it after
the show.
After we're done recording,Send it to me in my DMS.

Speaker 1 (19:26):
All right, you guys.
I was going to take it off thewall, dina.

Speaker 3 (19:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
So here's the thing, abby I, I think you are telling
the truth, but I need this to bea lie because, like and I don't

(19:54):
mean to make this like awkward-because, if you've seen them,
25 times in concert.
I might leave my wife and askyou to marry me.
Is it okay with your wife?
Not as a personal dig againstyou, but because I don't want to
get married, that's fair, butokay, awesome, continue, deal.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Okay, so did you?
Did you say, if you so, you dothink it's true?
Both of you think it's true,but I need it to be false.
Yes, okay, abby, what?
What's the truth?

Speaker 4 (20:11):
I have officially lost count of how many times I
have seen them, but I do know itis not 25 times.
I lost count around 12 or 13.
Oh, oh my god, you deem itabout, uh, I don't know how many
years it's been, actually maybeas long as when, um, um, I

(20:37):
found out that they were alittle bit one too maga for my
taste yeah, yeah, personally Ihad stopped enjoying the music.
So their political stuff, yeah,it was just sort of like I.

Speaker 1 (20:51):
I prefer not to know I keep myself in ignorance for
me.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
I guess pardon, yeah, no, I keep myself in ignorance
for them yeah, 100, yeah, umexcellent.

Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, do you mind if I go?

Speaker 3 (21:02):
first I'll go, thank you.
Dina's going to go next Yep.

Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yep Abby, why don't you?

Speaker 2 (21:09):
select one or two.

Speaker 1 (21:11):
And also lead off for the first question.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
Yeah, so since we're over video chat here, we don't
want to step on each other'stoes.
So, abby, you go first, thenDaniel will go.

Speaker 3 (21:32):
And then we'll go back and forth.
So you don't like talk overeach other.
All right, dina, wheneveryou're ready she's.

Speaker 2 (21:35):
She said two okay, two yeah, number two, okay.
I once entered a singingcompetition and won.
All right, 60 seconds are onthe clock abby go ahead.

Speaker 4 (21:38):
What song did you sing?

Speaker 3 (21:40):
wonderful grace of jesus sing it.

Speaker 4 (21:42):
Will you sing it right now?
Yeah, will you sing it rightnow?

Speaker 1 (21:45):
yeah, will you sing it right now, dina?
Dina, that's my question.
Actually, no, but you won, yeah, you won a competition.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
We're losing time, abby.

Speaker 4 (21:57):
Another question was it like?
Was it for kids or was it likean adult singing contest?

Speaker 1 (22:12):
we were teenagers, okay how many people were
present at this event?

Speaker 4 (22:18):
close to a thousand, I don't know was it judged on
singing ability or ability toget the message across?
Singing ability, okay um.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
What did you wear for this performance?

Speaker 3 (22:31):
um.
It was a blue shirt with likeflappy butterfly wing sleeves
all right time's up.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
Mm-hmm, abby, what's your thoughts?

Speaker 4 (22:43):
uh, I'm gonna say that you were in it in the in
this singing contest, butbecause you refuse to sing for
me now, I cannot trust that youwon it, because I haven't heard
your voice.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
That's fair.
So here's the thing, dina.
Originally I my first thoughtwas absolutely you're a giant
liar and that there's absolutelyno way this happened.
And then when you picked thesong choice, maybe actually this
could have happened.
But then when you told me itwas a thousand people, I said
absolutely zero chance thishappened.
If this was in front of like 20people in rural nothing Florida
congregation, maybe I'd giveyou this no chance.

(23:20):
You sang or competed on a stagein front of a thousand people.

Speaker 4 (23:26):
What if it was a gathering of like I'm gonna IBS
from like all many states Likewhat if it was like a conference
?

Speaker 1 (23:31):
Even if it was that, she wouldn't have done it in
front of a thousand people.

Speaker 4 (23:34):
Fair enough, that's fair.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
Dina.

Speaker 3 (23:37):
So we did have a competition and we did win, but
I was asked to just lip sync atthe last minute.
But we won and it counted nowhold on.

Speaker 2 (23:52):
You said, did you?
Say that you sang or did youtwist the words to just say that
you were in a singingcompetition?

Speaker 3 (23:59):
it was in a singing competition and won.
Damn.
She got us with Ken's dickagain competition and won.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Damn Fuck.
That's the second time.
She got us with Ken's dickagain.
She, ken's, dicked us.

Speaker 4 (24:08):
I actually, so I would like to point out that I
nailed it, in fact, yeah you didyeah you did?

Speaker 3 (24:14):
It was a conference scatter.

Speaker 4 (24:16):
Indeed it was exactly that and I was like yep, she
definitely did participate, butI don't think she won.

Speaker 1 (24:27):
And here's why, for those of you, if you want to
peek behind the curtain, whythis is extra misleading is that
we've talked about the factthat we want dina to do karaoke,
that like we want this to be athing, and she's talked about
how she will absolutely never dokaraoke or sing in front of
other people, so like even Ilike to sing, just stand up and
say oh baby.

Speaker 4 (24:44):
It's such like a singer's form Beautiful.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (24:49):
Okay.
Daniel's up All right Daniel,All right Number one or number
two?

Speaker 4 (24:56):
Which one Number one?

Speaker 1 (24:59):
Daniel, go ahead, number one.
Alright, the time ended up atthe wrong massage parlor oh,
who's going first?

Speaker 3 (25:05):
me, abby.
Do you want to go first forquestions?

Speaker 4 (25:09):
um define wrong massage parlor.

Speaker 3 (25:13):
I think you know Abby um, like a rub, did you follow
through with the happy ending?

Speaker 1 (25:20):
so I was touched there and that led me to the
understanding that this was thewrong massage parlor and at that
point I kind of freaked out alittle bit.

Speaker 4 (25:30):
I wasn't very comfortable at that were you on
your stomach or on your back?

Speaker 1 (25:34):
answer the question, please, uh uh, I did not get a
fully happy ending, but my peniswas touched Also, definitely on
my back.
I don't think that there's likea penis hole like in the table
for me to angle?

Speaker 4 (25:50):
No, but I was like, did they, like you know, try and
do like a thigh massage andjust like reach around the under
?

Speaker 1 (25:56):
It was a girl.
Yeah, listen, there's onlygirls that use that as a massage
parlors allegedly.
I have questions about thatfive seconds there there we go
um um but yes, they weremassaging my thighs, if that was
your question am I asking morequestions or am I just I'll give

(26:18):
you one the time's up, but I'llgive you one more question I
don't have another question, soskip.

Speaker 4 (26:25):
I'm pretty convinced that this happened actually
already.

Speaker 2 (26:29):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (26:29):
I don't know Because.
Yeah, I don't know why Boss.

Speaker 2 (26:34):
Dina doesn't believe it.
No, why is that Dina?

Speaker 3 (26:39):
This is probably somebody else's story, but I
feel like you would havementioned this in all the times
that we've talked about massages, and I feel like you chose this
specifically because we werejust talking about my first
world problems.

Speaker 4 (26:50):
Okay, Abby you know, I like her, I but I.
I've decided to believe itbecause it just sort of feels
like something that could happento me.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Like it just could happen to anybody.
Or could happen.
Yeah, it could happen to anyone.
Thank you, it could happen toanyone, abby, it could happen to
anyone.
Actually, it isn't my story,it's Sean's story.
No, it's not, I'm just kidding.
It's an absolute lie, guys.
It's an absolute lie.

Speaker 4 (27:24):
He didn't know if you were running or back.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
So was that actually a made up story Did?
You actually make up a storyfor true confessions for the
first time ever.

Speaker 1 (27:31):
Yep, that was a fully fictionalized Daniel story that
time.

Speaker 2 (27:38):
See, I figured, if you made it up, that the happy
ending would have happened.
But you know, you put a littletwist on it for us.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
Yeah, exactly, I tried to keep it interesting for
you guys.
Man Right on, oh goodness.
Well, all right, abby, you'veteased us long enough and now
it's time for you to deliver ahappy ending to our entire
audience.
Tell them about what?
Sorry, I totally screwed thisall up.
Abby, abby.

(28:04):
Sorry, I totally screwed thisall up.
Um, abby, abby, we're all aboutstorytelling here, and every
week we aim to share anentertaining tale.
So, without further ado, it'sstory time with abby do?

Speaker 4 (28:20):
I just start talking yeah, yeah, yeah so I picked
this story because I know howmuch daniel loved hansen.
Um and uh.
I have obviously seen them many, many times and I've actually
made friends that I metspecifically, like in line at
hansen shows and things likethat.

Speaker 1 (28:36):
Um, or made friends are they also willing to be my
friend?

Speaker 4 (28:39):
until they found out I was a Hanson fan and that
includes my friend Megan,actually, so she and I met at a
music conference and I hadworked there the previous year.
I showed up two days later thanshe did and she was like who's
this girl that everyone lovesand knows?
And I've been here working mybutt off for two days and then

(28:59):
she found out I was a Hanson fanand we've been like super close
friends ever since.
But so this one show we went,and we were going to go to
detroit, which obviously for usmeans crossing a border right um
, and I was living insouthwestern ontario at the time
.
So she drove from her home in umoshawa and drove me drove to

(29:22):
meet me in London, ontario, andyou're going to need a map to
look at this, and so she wantedme to drive some of the way, and
I had just gotten my license.

Speaker 1 (29:32):
And I wasn't technically supposed to be
driving on the highway.

Speaker 4 (29:35):
And we're driving on the highway and it's the middle
of the night and I'm going 100in the fast lane, 100 kilometers
an hour in the fast lane, and Iget pulled over by the cops and
I'm like freaking out.
I'm going 100 in the fast lane,100 kilometers an hour in the
fast lane, and I get pulled overby the cops and I'm freaking
out.
I'm like, oh no, I'mtechnically not supposed to be
driving.
Takes a look at my license,sees how I haven't been driving
very long and gives me a warning.

(29:55):
That was fun.
Then we are almost out of gas,but we're not at the border yet
and we missed the turnoff forand I wasn't driving by this
point this was Megan, not myfault, but we missed the turnoff
for the service station to getgas and we needed gas and so we
turned off and we ended up onthis dirt road and we find an

(30:17):
open garage.
We don't have any gas, butthere's a gas station 10 minutes
down the road and we end upcoasting down a hill just to get
there, got the gas, get to theborder.
We're two girls trying to crossthe border in the middle of the
night, just us in a car.
So they pulled us over and torethe car apart, looking for
drugs.

Speaker 3 (30:38):
Because that's what that's they're trained to think.
I was about to say so.
Y'all are mules.
Exactly, I was about to say soy'all are mules.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
Exactly.
They're trained to think thattwo young girls crossing the
border in the middle of thenight are mules.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
No one's going to believe that you're driving that
far to see Hanson.

Speaker 4 (30:47):
Exactly.
That's why we say we're goingto a Hanson concert.
They're like get out, pleaseTear the car apart.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
All right.
How much shrooms?
Where's the shrooms, guys?

Speaker 4 (30:57):
There's no.
So anyway we did.
We got across the borderbecause they couldn't find any
drugs, because we werelegitimately going to see Hanson
, that's the only high you need.
I'm with you and we get acrossthe border and there's like
highways in Canada are verymodern and large and six lanes

(31:17):
and whatever else.
But we crossed over fromWindsor into Detroit and the
amount of like exits andinterchanges, we got immediately
lost, immediately lost.
We found ourselves in like thescariest neighborhood I've ever
seen Detroit.

Speaker 1 (31:35):
That's everywhere in Detroit.

Speaker 4 (31:36):
What.
It's just Detroit, it's like.
It's just it was just you know,like where those $5,000 homes
they talk about are right, likethat's that kind of neighborhood
.
And where we were going to theshow was not a better
neighborhood.
The state theater across fromwhere the Tigers play is like
just a block away from Skid Row,a San Francisco port Right.

Speaker 1 (31:59):
This is true.

Speaker 4 (31:59):
And we anyway, like, why did we leave in the middle
of the night to go to a Hansonshow that was the next night?
Well, because it was generaladmission and we had to sleep on
the concrete outside of thetheater to get close to the
front which was something Iparticipated in but never really
cared about.
That was something that like waswas big for Megan and

(32:20):
everything.
But you know I'm doing itbecause she's my friend and
whatever.
But the whole day we are justwaiting outside sitting on the
concrete eating McDonald'sbecause there was a McDonald's a
block away and we walked to theMcDonald's and every like
homeless person in this she's inDetroit, Michigan.

Speaker 1 (32:39):
You dumb fuck.

Speaker 3 (32:43):
Huh, sorry, continue.
Daniel's, just Detroit,michigan, you dumb, fuck.
Huh, Sorry continue.

Speaker 4 (32:46):
Daniel's just being an idiot, just keep going.
So every single time we're likewalking towards McDonald's and
like all these like homelesspeople living on Skid Row are
like what are y'all white girlsdoing here, you know?
And it's like dancing concert.
They're like what's that?
So that night the show we getin.
We're like two rows from thefront.
Not even Megan's like gotherself up to the front and this

(33:09):
was like the worst experienceI've ever had.
It felt like worse than a moshpit where, when the van came out
the crowd surged forwardbecause they wanted to touch
their hands and I'm like,practically like standing like
at this angle right, like myfeet are barely on the ground,
and so I like pulled myself outof there.
I'm like Megan, I'm getting out,I can't breathe, I don't like

(33:30):
this, this is not fun.
So I watched the entire showfrom the back and just danced
around by myself and at the endof the night Megan wanted to go
and wait by the buses to see ifthey'd come out and she could
like get autographs, shake theirhand.
And I did not care about thisat all.

(33:51):
I just was like wanting to kindof go home, like it'd been a
long day and I'd slept on theconcrete and you know, the show
was over, I was good.
But uh, we realized that shehad locked her keys in her car
earlier that day and we didn'trealize this until, of course,
like 11 30 at night, when it'stime to leave the only place you
could sleep, and so I'm sittingthere waiting while megan is
waiting by the buses and shecalled triple a.

Speaker 1 (34:07):
We're canadian, so triple a did not show up at all,
because what is the canadianversion of triple a like?
Do you have that in canada?
It's just ca ca um but triple a.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
You know, they just didn't show up.
So I'm sitting out there andlike waiting and waiting for AAA
to show up, while she's waitingfor Hanson so she can shake
their hands, and I.
And then this like random dudecomes out of nowhere.
He's like starts talking to melike midnight by now after
midnight and I'm like weirdedout.
But he's just like but I'm liketrying not to be like rude or

(34:41):
anything, he's a Canadian,stranger danger.
So I'm talking to him and he'slike, and I'm like, yeah, I'm
just waiting for AAA to show upbecause my friend locked the
keys in the car.
He's like, is that your car?
And it's a Pontiac Sunfire.
And I said, well, that's hercar.
And he goes, I drive that.

Speaker 3 (34:58):
And he pulls out his, his car keys.

Speaker 4 (35:01):
And so I'm like, I grab her keys out of the car,
lock it up again, run over toMegan.
I'm like, megan, we have toleave right now.
We have to leave right nowbecause there is a very creepy
man who knows how to get intoyour car Like he could do it.

Speaker 3 (35:13):
Right now I'm taking everything he could take the
whole car away.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
And she's like I don't want to leave.
I really don't want to leave.
Don't turn your back on him.
He's hiding in the backseat.

Speaker 4 (35:21):
She's like, she's like she really did not want to
leave, and I like had to becomelike aggressive Canadian at that
point, like, no, we're leaving,and so we finally.

Speaker 1 (35:30):
Gosh, I swear I'll be cross with you Like I thought
you were going to throw yourgloves off and then just start.
Yeah, gordie Howe and him yeah.

Speaker 4 (35:38):
No, no, no, no, gordie Howe hat tricks for me.
But so you know.
Finally that's over and we geton the road again, and we miss
the turnoff for the border, andso we're driving towards Ohio.

Speaker 3 (35:53):
Then we have to find a way to turn around.
Nobody wants to go there.

Speaker 4 (35:55):
We're like, I've been to Ohio but I didn't want to go
that night, and so we turnourselves around.
Then it starts and we getthrough the border actually
pretty okay this time becausewe're going back home, so they
have less like whatever they we.
It starts pouring rain as weget and Megan is like I need to

(36:16):
sleep because she had to workfirst thing in the morning and
she was going all the way backto Oshawa, which was like six to
eight hours away from Windsor,and so she's sleeping and I'm
driving and it starts pouringand she wants us.
We both want to get back fast.
I'm driving faster than I'veever driven in my life, on a 30
miles an hour, parential rainsoaked, oh no, no Like 140

(36:39):
kilometers an hour.
The speed at which the carstarts to shake on the wheels,
that speed.
And the only reason I didn'tfeel the shaking is because we
were basically coasting throughrain puddles on the highway and
I'm actually zigzagging in andout of transport trucks are the
only other cars on the road atthis hour and I can't believe to

(37:01):
this day that we did not die.
But we did not die, but we didnot die.
And we just ended up with thelongest, most ridiculous story
about trying to go to see hansenonce of the several times that
we have seen them together canyou tell megan I love her, like,
like.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
Is that cool?

Speaker 4 (37:20):
yes, I will tell megan you love her and she was
87, 87 american miles per hour.

Speaker 2 (37:28):
Freedom is that okay, that doesn't seem right in the
rain in the rain, though it'sflorida 110 easy 110 miles an
hour, like see dina says this,but she doesn't leave her house.

Speaker 4 (37:41):
So yeah, it's like that's what's supposed to be
going.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
Average on like a canadian highway, is 110
kilometers an hour in the fastlane right like and and that's
just fast enough that you canlike casually wave people
politely, yeah, yeah that'sinteresting.

Speaker 4 (37:57):
It's funny because I do like how in the us you can
have like 60 miles per hour.
So essentially, if you are 120miles away, you're two hours
away, right, whereas withcanadian distances you can't do
that you're trying to do themath like you can't like.

Speaker 2 (38:15):
So, daniel, there's 60 minutes in an hour.
Uh-huh, go on.
So if you're going 60 miles perhour, yeah, right, right.

Speaker 4 (38:22):
You're going to go 60 miles in one hour Takes you
about a minute to go a mileright.

Speaker 2 (38:26):
How many?

Speaker 1 (38:29):
My knees were weak, my arms were heavy Is that
another Detroit reference?

Speaker 2 (38:36):
Yes, yes, that is.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
All right.
So, abby, you've already mademe fall in love with both you
and Megan, like appropriately,mostly appropriately, but I want
to know do you have a tissuenearby, a kerchief, perhaps some
sort of eye-drawing implement,perhaps a favor of a nobleman?

Speaker 4 (39:00):
Do I need one?

Speaker 1 (39:03):
Yeah you might.
You might Because you see, Abby, we're going to peel back the
layers of the potato and we'regoing to ask deeply personal,
hard hitting questions withDinosaurus Dina.

Speaker 4 (39:18):
I literally thought you meant I had something on my
face.
I'm going like when, what?

Speaker 1 (39:26):
do you mean?
This is the best Abby?
You're 10 out of 10.
Change nothing.
You're perfect.

Speaker 4 (39:32):
I can't change anything.
I don't know how.

Speaker 1 (39:35):
Fair enough, abby.

Speaker 3 (39:39):
What is the opposite Of milk and don't say maple
syrup.
No, do is the opposite of milkand don't say maple syrup.

Speaker 1 (39:45):
No, do lead the witness.
She can say whatever herbeautiful Canadian heart desires
.

Speaker 4 (39:50):
The opposite of milk.
Yeah, is cheese.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
You know what I'm with you All right.

Speaker 4 (39:59):
Yeah, it's like solid versus liquid.

Speaker 1 (40:05):
That tracks.

Speaker 4 (40:06):
But then I would have been like well, that's not
really our dairy expert.
I'm just, you know uh, expertof solid versus liquid.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
I don't know what's the weirdest?

Speaker 3 (40:18):
question you've ever been asked.
I don't know, not that one.

Speaker 4 (40:21):
I'm trying to think Question you've ever been?

Speaker 3 (40:24):
No, not that one I'm trying to think I love that for
you.

Speaker 2 (40:30):
Is this your Pontiac Sunfire?

Speaker 4 (40:33):
That was a weird one.
That was a weird.
Oh oh, let me try it.
Like I was like what do youmean?
Let you try.
And then I actually heard thatthat was a thing, like other
people from like no no no, no,had around 2001 or three
sunfires like that was a thingthat if other people could have
worked yeah, this guy's like.
Actually my name is johnpontiac home base is in detroit,

(40:59):
michigan, so no, but like whenI told people about that part,
they were like yeah, that'shappened before.

Speaker 2 (41:04):
Like I totally just has a skeleton key to every
pontiac vehicle.

Speaker 4 (41:08):
No, it's just that they made them all the same lock
, for whatever reason they justall have the same lock too.
That's probably, that'sprobably true, that's and that's
actually no, like I'm dead ass.

Speaker 3 (41:19):
Serious campers have a universal lock that's yeah.

Speaker 4 (41:22):
Yeah, I believe it, and it's scary because it's a
house.
You can change it, yeah, as oneshould.

Speaker 1 (41:29):
Alright, alright, creeped out Continue.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
Alright, if you were a kind of soup, what kind of
soup would you be?
Not maple syrup?
Stop leading the witness, Dina.

Speaker 4 (41:42):
Um, I guess chicken and corn chowder, because I like
chicken, I like corn and I'mvery white.
Okay, pastey color.
Pastey color Like a creamy soup.

Speaker 3 (41:57):
When you pee, do you pee where your feet are, on your
tippy toes?
Where you like, go to yourtippy toes.
I'm like, go to your tippy toes.
I'm sorry, buzzword Didn't meanto.
I'm trying to rephrase it whenyou are like you're sitting on
the toilet and you're peeing, doyou go up on your tippy toes?

Speaker 4 (42:13):
Not when I'm peeing no.

Speaker 3 (42:16):
What a weirdo.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
Dina, you are being very judgmental right now.

Speaker 2 (42:25):
And you might have to do an apology, to be like me
uncut poop talk, because I willif I'm pooping girls don't poop.

Speaker 4 (42:32):
That's a fallacy but I don't need like, it's not
about.
It's not about that.
When I'm peeing, when I'mpeeing, I'm usually getting rid
of the coffee.
I had, so it just goes rightthrough me anyway.

Speaker 2 (42:43):
So I feel like, I feel like dina is trying to like
shotgun her pee out, like asquickly as possible, so she's
giving it that extra she's.

Speaker 1 (42:53):
She's on the tack here any longer.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
So she's just like flexing her legs.

Speaker 3 (42:57):
You know, that's fair if cinderella's shoe fit her
perfectly, why did it fall offwhen she was running away?

Speaker 4 (43:06):
Because she was sweating about the fact that it
was almost midnight and she wasgoing to like everything was
going to explode.
She might be sitting inside thecarriage when the thing turned
back into a pumpkin.
And then she's a pumpkin Likeshe's.
Her head is sticking out of apumpkin, right that's.
That's why I think Decapitatedyes, exactly decapitated by a

(43:28):
carriage turning back into apumpkin, sorry, no, um.

Speaker 3 (43:31):
So all right, abby, you gotta come in hot with this
take.
Okay, I need you to like,defend it like you're an
American, not a Canadian.
I need violence, I needattitude, I need it all.
Okay, you gotta give me youranswer and tell me why, and like
, channel your inner Alberta.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (43:47):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (43:50):
Okay, roll tide.

Speaker 3 (43:52):
Roll tide.
What is the superior form ofpotato?

Speaker 4 (43:57):
Mashed with sour cream.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
She was fucking ready .
She said it with her chest.

Speaker 4 (44:06):
And you can cut up some chives or green onions and
stick them in there too if youwant to make it fancy.
But if you're just working offlike don't use milk, don't use
water, use sour cream, so you'resaying you mix it in with the
mash, like while you're makingit.
It isn't like a topping like itwould be on a baked potato, for
example yeah, yeah, you couldput it as a topping on a baked

(44:26):
potato, but how great it is witha baked potato just goes to
show you how great it is inmashed potato.
So it is for me.
Sour cream is the liquid that Iuse when I am mashing potato,
because you know how they'relike you have a master of like
milk or whatever like butter?
Is that so 100 sour skin?
in or skin out an entire like atub that's like this thick.

(44:48):
Right, you know one of thoseones, use the entire tub, go for
it, just dump them in there andmake it.

Speaker 3 (44:53):
Make it happen beautiful I love it, I'm, I'm in
okay, but like valid questionalso do you peel them or no?
I?

Speaker 4 (45:03):
do if it's like a thicker potato with like the
like really rough skin but Idon't Rough skin Like, yeah, I
don't.
If it's like one of thosepotatoes with like the thinner
skin.
The thinner skin that like sortof like peels off like a paper
tab, if you will, you know whatI mean.

Speaker 1 (45:20):
Don't need two hands for that, yeah.

Speaker 4 (45:22):
They're usually smaller.
Those, um, they're usuallysmaller.
Sometimes they're red potatoes,but they're yellow as well.
Yeah, but it's just that theskin is really thin where it's
like if you were to actually tryand peel it, you're gonna take
away half the potato anyway andthat skin doesn't actually like.
It cooks really well and mashesreally well and it I'm with you
, yeah but I'm a skin in dude.

(45:42):
Yeah, oh I don't, but if it'sthick skin it's gotta go.
I can't like.
I can't even eat like I'meating a baked potato.
I can't eat the like leftoverskin jacket or whatever skin
jacket.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
Oh, my gosh skin jacket.
That's not creepy, continuethat's so appetizing all right
listen, abby, you've survived it.
You know you didn't even needthat neckerchief, you didn't
need need that, didn't cry YepAt all.

Speaker 2 (46:03):
Not even a little.
First, first, first.
We've had to not cry during oneof.

Speaker 1 (46:07):
Dina's questions.
Yeah, all right.
So, uh, abby, it's time to takeoff our our silly nanny hats.
Put on our serious author hats.
Okay, we are going book theDragon and the Butterfly, and
just a little bit about whatthis book's about.
You know his name, now learnhers.
One thousand years ago, anoble's daughter came of age in

(46:29):
the county of Flanders.
Intelligent and ambitious Maudwould rise to become the Queen
of England.
At the side of her husband,driven by love and loyalty
destined to alter the course ofhistory, her life was charmed by
faith and circumstance, but notwithout sacrifice.
Abby simpsons, the dragon andthe butterfly follows matilda,
flanders, wife of william theconqueror, as she navigates

(46:50):
court life, motherhood and theirshared ambition of claiming
claiming the english throne.
An epic historical saga thatsweeps warmly over decades and
features a cast of dozens.
Matilda's world has never beenso richly realized, and you know

(47:10):
I'm pumped for this one, abby,because you know we talk about
all the time.
One of our favorite things aboutthis show is that we get to
read books that aren't in ourtraditional wheelhouses, our
traditional genres.
I haven't.
I love history just as a hobbyand you know something I enjoy,
but I haven't ever really readtoo much in terms of historical
fiction or historical works.
You know that haven't beenrelated to school and so this

(47:35):
was really exciting to get toread this and kind of get it
from a different perspective.
One of the things I thought wasreally interesting was your
choice of how you wrote it inthe language, because it's I
found it to be a little bit of amix of kind of uh, new modern
with a little bit of that tasteof antiquity, to give it the
feel of the time period, butwithout getting kind of stuck in
that whole shakespeareantalking and d's and thou's and

(47:57):
stuff like that, and so kind oftake us through what your
thought process was and how youcreated and how you crafted your
dialogue and language in thisbook.

Speaker 4 (48:05):
I mean honestly, it was fully intentional, Like I
wanted to use contractions andsome like I didn't want to
necessarily use a bunch ofphrases that people could
pinpoint, be like that's toomodern and now I'm out of the
story, but at the same time,what I wanted to do was make the
reading of it more accessiblethan what most people find with
a lot of historical fictionwhere you know, like older ways

(48:29):
of speaking and the parts ofspeech are in different orders
and things like that, and Ididn't want any of that.
I wanted to focus on the storyand focus on the characters more
than I wanted to, and I wantedto try and paint a picture of
the setting more than I wantedto try and like be 100 accurate.

(48:49):
I still wanted, obviously, thatfeel of it being historical
fiction.
So to feel that way, and insome words I was like adamant,
like oh, I would rather use thisword because, you know, like
the word pregnant, for example,she's got, she has 10 children
and I do not use the wordpregnant once because pregnant
was not a word at that time androyals don't even like to say

(49:11):
the word pregnant, which isanother little side thing,
that's actually reallyinteresting yeah, it's like a,
it's a, it's a, not like a dirtyword, but it's like it's like a
word that's sort of yeah, likeso with child or like
childbearing, like that kind ofthing.
So, using other words, um,whereas, like at one point,
ashley's like just used the wordpregnant and I was like I don't

(49:33):
want to, you know so no everysome words it was like were deal
breakers for me.
And then other times, like, forexample, I used the word top
secret at one point and somebodypointed out in one of my arc
reviews that that word wasinvented like 80 years ago, like
, oops, yeah, that's fair thattranslates to the did it.

Speaker 3 (49:53):
Did it take a lot of um time to research all of this
as you went like finding likeout that the word pregnant was
not used, or whatever.
But did that take a lot of time?

Speaker 4 (50:02):
it did, I mean, and the thing is is like I wasn't
quantifying the research that Iwas doing, like time wise,
because I was interested in allof it, obviously, and so I'm
interested in like thecharacters and I'm researching
their lives and their historiesto incorporate it into the
narrative.
And then, as I'm going throughon edit passes, is where I'm
like trying to pick out phrasesthat sort of stand out to me as
like maybe too modern or, youknow, just doesn't quite fit.

(50:26):
So that's when I'm looking atthings like researching.
When the word pregnant becamepart of etymology, like when
that was a word that peoplestarted saying, even like
certain, and I wasn't, I wasn't,I was anachronistic with a lot
of character names as well,which was another choice, just

(50:48):
because I really like there'stoo many characters that have
the same name for one, so I hadto go with some nicknames in
certain cases and it just also Ifeel like the name of a
character doesn't miss, likethere are certain things where
you shouldn't change the name ofa character, like changing a

(51:09):
samurai to his name is Steve,don't do that, don't do that,
that there's no need to do that.
But if you're like, reasons forchanging the name of a character
are because you're trying tomake it so that the reader can
differentiate between differentcharacters on the page.
Um, I'm okay with thatpersonally, obviously, because I
did it, but um no, and thatmakes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 (51:33):
And like one of the things I thought was just really
kind of um, interesting in yourstory is that, I feel like one
of the the biggest.
Like you know, there's a,there's a deep romance sat
beneath this, but you know it'snot the traditional my first
love, my love at first sight, uh, you know, all throughout it
there's that theme of the secondperson, the one after that, you
know, there is love beyond thefirst person that kind of makes

(51:56):
your heart flutter.
You know what was it like, kindof instilling those themes and
kind of taking a different takeon romance in this story.

Speaker 4 (52:04):
Well, I mean, honestly, that was her story,
her life story.
So like part of it is like it'sfun for me to tell that kind of
story, but at the same time,like it's also what her story
was.
So that's what the story wasgoing to be, right, like I
wasn't going to change thataround, um, I mean, I may have

(52:24):
invented some of the specificdetails about it, but the
general gist and like thetrajectory of that relationship
is historically accurate, right.
So for me it was like it wasfun to sort of tell that story.
Um, cause I think a lot ofpeople can relate to falling for

(52:47):
the wrong person, right, like,and just sort of dealing with
that later never had thatexperience, neither is dina no,
no, never, never we'reabsolutely sarcastic here.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
Well, I have fucked up a lot in men.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
So it's happened to me before once or twice.
Oh well, say love me once twicebut yeah, that's like so.
For me it's like it was fun totell the story, but it was also
the story that had to be told,right?

Speaker 3 (53:17):
so it's not like did that take like a lot of did me?
Um, did that take like a lot ofemotional investment as you
were doing all this research andthen having to like sort of
invent but also just followingfacts at the same time?

Speaker 4 (53:29):
um, no the like.
So what I love about when I'mwriting historical fiction is
that I actually have these realhistorical facts and events to
sort of act as like guides,right.
So they're like pins in yourplot that, like this, all of the
stuff leading up to this pin,like has to happen, this has to

(53:52):
happen, the pin has to happen.
So everything that you'rewriting has to sort of make
sense for that, right.
So it's nice as a guide in thatsense, right?
Um, because you know where thestory is going.
You just have to get it there.

Speaker 1 (54:04):
So I do really enjoy that and and so I want to ask
one more question before we kindof get into a uh, fun reading
segment that we're going to dohere in a moment.
But one of the things I thoughtwas really fascinating, just
because I want you to talk about, like a little bit about what
it was about Matilda Flandersthat drew you to her, that you
wanted to tell her story,because one of the things that

(54:26):
you know, you hear all the timea little bit, is that there's,
you know, when, when people wantto write or talk about badass
female characters, they'realways the sword swingers, and
matilda is, but she's a badassin a very different sort of way.
So what was it that kind ofdrew you to her?

Speaker 4 (54:40):
so I was drawn to her story um, just because I end up
in my research rabbit holesevery now and then.
And her story was reallyinteresting to me because she
was this powerful woman whoactually seemed to have a fair
bit of agency, especially forwomen of the era.
And but yet what is known ofher and written of her is kind

(55:05):
of like three stories in likesort of like stitched together.
So like can you imagine if yourentire life is cut down to like
three stories and then that fora thousand years stands as
everything everybody knows aboutyou, right?
so three events in your lifebecome your story and and I

(55:29):
really wanted to like I lookedinto those stories and I kind of
tried to use like logicaldeduction as far as certain
questions about her story interms of like why might that
have happened?
And just turn it into a fullstory, and the fact that like
she is, like she did have thislife that you know a lot of

(55:52):
women necessarily, notnecessarily, want these days,
which is to get married and thenjust pump out kids all day all
the time.
that's, that's your like thatwas her job, right, like that
was her.
Um so, but she did it very well.
Uh, she was very fortunate inthat way, because it's fortune,
it's nothing else that allowssomebody to have 10 children and

(56:15):
not die from them in the MiddleAges, from in the Middle Ages.
So she was an incrediblyfortunate woman, which I liked.
I was sort of drawn to thestory about Brick Trick because
I thought that was reallyfascinating, um, cause it was
very vengeful and I love, I lovethat.
Like I love when people are notjust like perfect, right, and I

(56:37):
do think a lot of like cause alot of women in history.
Uh, a lot of historicalchronicles are written by monks,
right?
So a lot of history is writtenfrom a very religious
perspective, right, a veryChristian perspective.
In terms of like, women areseen as good or she wolves like,
and if they are good it'sbecause they are pious and they

(56:58):
donate to the church and theygive to the church.
Well, maude did all thosethings she did.
She was very pious, religious,gave to the church.
But I also feel as though womenwere sort of given one of those
two options Either you're verypious and good or you are a
she-wolf, and there's no inbetween.
The church did not get into theat-home life of these people.

(57:24):
So when they're writing thesechronicles, a lot of this sort
of day-to-day stuff pluschronicles were written for
interested patrons, so how truethey are is essentially like if
I had somebody write myautobiography and I told you
what to put in it.
Or like, you know, like if it'slike harry's spare or whatever,
right, like prince harry writesspare but he gets a ghostwriter

(57:45):
to do it, but he's writing thewhole thing, right, but not
really like everything that isin.
It is what he wants you to read,right, he doesn't like and vice
and for everyone.
I just I'm not trying to pickon prince harry, but I'm just
saying like, uh, every singlechronicle, you sort of have to

(58:05):
read it and then you'll readchronicles from the same era and
they'll tell the same story ina completely different way.
So you're kind of like parsingall of this, these different
sources, for like two truths,like if, if this is true and
this is true, then the actualtruth is somewhere in the middle
kind of thing, you know.

Speaker 1 (58:23):
Yeah, well, you know what we're going to get to the
truth right now, abby, because,uh, it's time you.
You had a brilliant idea.
So, as you guys know, we liketo read little excerpts from the
books here, and Abby requesteda special twist.
Abby, what did you want us todo today?

Speaker 4 (58:36):
I asked if you guys would read the first part of
chapter 12 and gender swap it.
Done, if there's one thing meand Dina like to do it's swap
genders.
I love it.
I love it Like, I mean honestly, honestly though, in in reality
, in reality, like and this isnot a knock against dina at all,
but dina has much moreconqueror energy than than you,

(58:59):
daniel abby you know,

Speaker 1 (59:03):
what you know what our marriage is off?

Speaker 4 (59:05):
I'm sticking with megan, only from now on, abby,
okay he's a little squishy, Iwill will let Megan know that I
found her a husband who'salready married.

Speaker 1 (59:15):
Already married husband.
We can talk about a throuplesituation.
It'll be great.

Speaker 4 (59:19):
I did.
I tried to set up Megan with afriend once and she ghosted him
and I felt really bad, that's mybiggest fear.

Speaker 3 (59:26):
When I set people up, shout out to my brother and my
friend I'm never going to set upanybody up ever again.

Speaker 4 (59:33):
That's the truth.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
I mean Jason's got it , so that's fantastic and he
doesn't need my help.

Speaker 4 (59:38):
I tried.

Speaker 2 (59:39):
All right, you guys let's get into character here.
All right, daniel will beplaying the part of mod.
Dina will be playing Williamand I will speak the narrator
parts, and Abby will just enjoy,as all of you will.

(01:00:01):
Are we ready?
Yes, should I do that?
Should I?
I should do the fucking overthe top voice, shouldn't I?
Okay?

Speaker 1 (01:00:08):
Yes, please oh good one man.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
When you need him One second in.
I'm going to get a lot of thesewords wrong.
I'm just throwing that outthere right now.
Here we go.
Bald probed William's stoicgaze as they rode toward the
Reedy Lake on the way toZeebridge.
Moving quickly to thecountryside to avoid chase by
Flemish guards, william slowedhis speckled horse when they

(01:00:35):
reached the woods.
Fitz Bo and Monty, his faithfulstewards, rode a safe distance
behind their duke.

Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
Why did you propose to me?
You said you sound likeFuturama.

Speaker 2 (01:00:58):
Oh my god, keep it together, keep it together.

Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
I didn't know it when we were children, but I
couldn't forget you after we met.

Speaker 2 (01:01:05):
Over time, you became the sun Every day the sun would
rise and and set, and I wouldthink of you.
Her heart ached, struck byguilt for failing to notice him
before she'd ruined herself.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
I need you to tell me something.
And then I have anotherquestion If what I say doesn't
offend, that's unlikely.

Speaker 2 (01:01:27):
His arms rested at her sides.
She looked him dead in the eyes, challenging him to change his
mind about her.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
I'm not a virgin.
I've lain with another man.

Speaker 3 (01:01:39):
I laid with a prostitute, monty hired, for my
17th birthday, and I'm thebastard son of a duke and an
undertaker's daughter oh sorry,I misread that Okay, and an
undertaker's daughter.
I know it's all supposed tomatter, but it doesn't Not to me
.
All I care about is whetherit's still true that your heart
is with another.
It is not true anymore.

Speaker 1 (01:01:59):
I'm still processing the whole turn of events To be
completely honest with you.
But he hurt me.
I was so wrong about him Turnleft at the next fork on this
path.

Speaker 4 (01:02:14):
I like how quickly the accent went from slightly
British to like Like kinky, it'sBelgian.

Speaker 1 (01:02:22):
That's my Belgian accent.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
William took her direction holding the reins of
his arms tighter around herwaist than before she confessed.
You said you wanted to ask mesomething.
Holding the reins of his armstighter around her waist than
before she confessed.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
You said you wanted to ask me something.
When you proposed.

Speaker 1 (01:02:35):
Why didn't you say something as romantic as you?

Speaker 2 (01:02:41):
become the sun, she looked back and caught him
blushing.

Speaker 3 (01:02:46):
I should have waited to speak to you and your parents
.

Speaker 1 (01:02:48):
myself, I'm not great with words, and I couldn't bear
to have Fitz and Lonnie be theones to tell you I felt that way
.
So it's he thinks you would bea divine duchess and wishes for
no one else to fill the role youmight as well have reminded me,

(01:03:13):
my mother descends fromCharlemagne and Alfred the Great
you murdered my cousin.
Duke Lane Told you years agoI'd make a suitable wife.

Speaker 2 (01:03:20):
Maud rolled her eyes and William's face fell.

Speaker 3 (01:03:25):
Duke Lane was right about you, lady Maud, but he
couldn't have known how I loveyou.

Speaker 2 (01:03:30):
We're here.
She blushed as they came uponthe lake Jumping from the horse.
William tied the leather reinsto a tree before helping her
step down.
Her torn skirt billowed in thewind as she surveyed the
familiar lily pad dotted lake,surrounded by tall reeds along
the shoreline.

Speaker 3 (01:03:48):
I'm sorry.
I threw you from the horse andripped your dress and about your
lip.

Speaker 2 (01:03:58):
Reaching for a silk napkin attached to his leather
belt, he wet it at the lake'sedge before handing it to her.
The sharp taste of bloodpierced her tongue as she dabbed
her lip with the cloth.

Speaker 1 (01:04:08):
I'm sorry to have insulted you, but don't worry
about my robes.
My legs felt trapped in thefabric.

Speaker 3 (01:04:18):
Next time I'll ask permission first, not to rip
your.

Speaker 2 (01:04:22):
His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but Maud
found herself smiling.
They sat together in the grassas she spotted Fitzbo and Monty
and the brush, far enough awayto be out of earshot.

Speaker 3 (01:04:33):
They'd rather be back at the wedding, where there's
plenty of wine.
Believe me, they just go whereI go.
Ideally, they go where we goand where would we go Chuckling?

Speaker 2 (01:04:46):
she flashed an inquisitive eye.

Speaker 3 (01:04:48):
Anywhere.
Where do you want to go?

Speaker 1 (01:04:51):
The man I fell for was an Anglo-Saxon.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
I know it's Britrick.
I saw your interest when hebrought you and Judith to
Normandy and Addie confirmed it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:02):
I've been in love with you for the thought of
England.
Since Lady Elma stayed with usyears ago, I've had to have a
few days to think about it, butwhen I saw him I think I
connected with him a place I'dalways dreamed about.
But I was a fool to think myfuture was with him.

Speaker 3 (01:05:17):
If it's England you want, we'll get it.
King Edward is old andchildless.
He shares my Norman bloodthrough your beloved Lady Emma,
and we grew close when he andhis brothers spent their exile
at my court.
But he'll be more inclined tomake me his heir if I have a
wife who shares his Wessex blood.
Earl Godwin is a snide man withmore power than he deserves,

(01:05:38):
and most of his sons are adisappointment.
I might have to battle for it,but I could get used to the idea
of finishing what my fatherstarted.
The English people deserve abetter fate than if the Godwins
take the throne.

Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
Boom baby.
That's fantastic.
All right, abby, what kind ofnotes do you have for us?
That was my belgian accent um,I have no notes.

Speaker 4 (01:05:58):
100 percent, doctor evil you nailed even the
inflections like but like dina,um.

Speaker 1 (01:06:04):
My notes for you, yeah, are um pick one, pick one
accent listen, I only know oneaccent, and for belgium, and
that's dr evil.

Speaker 4 (01:06:22):
That's the only you know about three.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
Yeah that was at least three that was three.

Speaker 4 (01:06:30):
You just don't know when, which one you're when to
use or when you are using whichone.
No, that's um.
Honestly, that was fantastic.
I loved it.

Speaker 2 (01:06:38):
Um, and yes, I thought it was like pinky, but
it was definitely dr evil andit's yeah oh, there was some
pinky in there too, so like I'lltell you this, like english to
pinky, to dr, evil to irishright, daniel wanted to do gold
member, first because he thoughtthat holland was adjacent

(01:06:58):
enough to belgium, yep, and thenI was like well, dr evil's
belgian, and then technically noone in my story is belgian or
dutch lenders, because theydon't technically exist yet they

(01:07:19):
could be frisians, one of themyeah, you stupid bitch daniel
learn history you

Speaker 4 (01:07:28):
silly bitch daniel you love history, but are you
like I love, like militaryhistory, like I love retracing
battles?

Speaker 1 (01:07:35):
and stuff.
I like the individual storiesin history.
I'm not like, I'm not as biginto like, oh, look at the
military tactics of you know,freaking Tiberius or whatever
crap.
You know Timurangia, yeah,timurangia, yeah, a legend.
I like the stories.
But you know tamaranja, yeah,tamaranja, yeah, um, I like, I
like a legend, I like thestories, but you know, abby, you

(01:07:56):
, you've survived a couplerounds of questions.
We've gotten to listen to alittle bit of your book, but now
it's time for a segment thatdina is always incredibly
prepared for off the wallquestions, dina, nothing
somebody else go.
Oh my god, daniel dina she'sbouncing off the walls again.
Oh my god, daniel dina, can I?

Speaker 4 (01:08:16):
go first yeah, she is nothing I got it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:22):
I got it, he was gonna go first if dragon and the
butterfly was set in the blueyuniverse, what kind of dog would
Maude be?
Oh, you're wearing a Blueyshirt.
Maybe that's where my mind went.
Oh, shut the fuck up, that'swhat you thought of that.

Speaker 2 (01:08:37):
That's like fucking Steve Grohl saying I love lamp.

Speaker 3 (01:08:41):
And then he's like did you just say that?

Speaker 2 (01:08:42):
because you saw the lamp.

Speaker 3 (01:08:44):
So here's the mind map that happened actually.
I was like wait Dina's mind map.
So I was like I need a Britishcartoon.
That's for children, it'sAustralian and.
I thought of piggy and I waslike or is it?

Speaker 1 (01:08:59):
pig difference.
Yeah, Are you talking aboutPeppa Pig the British pig is?
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:09:03):
Peppa Pig, not piggy what?

Speaker 2 (01:09:05):
about Arthur, isn't that English?

Speaker 1 (01:09:07):
No, fuck Arthur, isn't that english?

Speaker 4 (01:09:08):
no fuck arthur.

Speaker 1 (01:09:09):
No, king arthur isn't is an english legend, but I
love abby's so polite she's likethese dumb americans might not
know who.
King arthur legitimately.

Speaker 4 (01:09:22):
I no, no, no, like I know who arthur the aardvark is
as well.
We get pbs.
I know that yeah come on.

Speaker 3 (01:09:29):
So I was like Peppa Pig.
No, I don't like Peppa Pig.
That bitch has an attitude andthen I was like what's another
British show, bluey no, dina,that's Australian.
Well, this could be justadjacent enough that nobody will
connect what was happening inmy head because I didn't want to
use Sesame Street fair enough,I'm in, let's go.

Speaker 1 (01:09:49):
Bluey Universe.

Speaker 3 (01:09:50):
Maybe that's where it came from unfortunately,
because I didn't want to useSesame Street.
Fair enough, I'm in, let's goBluey Universe.
And then I was like, oh my God,daniel has a Bluey shirt.
Maybe that's where it came from.

Speaker 1 (01:09:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:09:54):
Unfortunately I don't have like children in my life,
like I don't even have niecesand nephews and stuff.

Speaker 3 (01:09:59):
So I I've never watched Bluey and remarkably,
familiar with.

Speaker 4 (01:10:03):
I know that Bluey's like and like it's like what?

Speaker 3 (01:10:08):
kind of dog would mod be?

Speaker 4 (01:10:09):
so she would be and I I'm not like super up on like
dog breeds either, but she wouldbe intelligent, she would be
loyal, she um would be.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
Uh she sleeps late.

Speaker 4 (01:10:23):
She sleeps a lot, so not a golden retriever not a
golden retriever, yeah, sointelligent like very
intelligent.
Uh, which one?
No, a blue tick hound, whichone?

Speaker 1 (01:10:32):
No.

Speaker 3 (01:10:33):
A blue tick hound.

Speaker 2 (01:10:34):
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, she loves blue as well.

Speaker 4 (01:10:36):
Blue's her favorite color.

Speaker 2 (01:10:37):
Blue tick hound, there you go.
Blue tick hound.
Done, Done.

Speaker 4 (01:10:40):
I'm happy with that answer, because I could not
tweet it at all.
I don't even know what a bluetick hound looks like Like all
right.
Gonna have to Google it.

Speaker 1 (01:10:51):
William the Conqueror has been replaced by Jar Jar
Binks.
How is this?

Speaker 4 (01:10:55):
relationship.
Uh well, he, he uh pleaseanswer the question, ma'am I
don't think that jar jar isgonna have the same effect on

(01:11:16):
maud when she's vulnerable andand uh, it's hard to say, man
like, maybe her taste is justcompletely I don't understand it
because she's a real person andwe're talking about the

(01:11:37):
character I wrote.
But I don't know um I if, sinceI wrote her, I'm just gonna
straight up just make it up anduh, like she's a real person,
but I'm just gonna straight upmake up the fact that she would
look at Jar Jar and be repulsed.
She would know she would knowright from the start that that
that creature is actuallysecretly being written to be the

(01:12:02):
big bad, and that she justwon't even entertain it to the
fact.
So they won't have to revise.

Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
So, Dina, do you want to take turns shooting?

Speaker 4 (01:12:09):
each other in the face.

Speaker 1 (01:12:10):
She just won't even entertain it to the fact, so
they won't have to revise forepisodes.

Speaker 2 (01:12:14):
So, dina, do you want to take turns shooting each
other in?

Speaker 4 (01:12:16):
the face.
Why, what?
Because?

Speaker 2 (01:12:18):
of Daniel, not because of you, don't worry
about it, 100% me.

Speaker 1 (01:12:21):
What happened why?
Why are you?

Speaker 2 (01:12:25):
fucking hating he tries to shoehorn Jar Jar Binks
into every fucking conversation.
I don't mind, I don't mind.

Speaker 4 (01:12:33):
I'm like I'm just trying to seriously try to,
that's fair.

Speaker 3 (01:12:36):
I mind Okay fair.

Speaker 4 (01:12:38):
But I mean it was a good thought experiment.
But I've just decided that.

Speaker 2 (01:12:42):
No, she's repulsed by Jar Jar.
Our guest likes it, it's fine,sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:12:46):
And Abby, this is why you're like my favorite guest
buddy, like he's a big bad.

Speaker 4 (01:12:51):
He was gonna be a big bad but he was so awful.
And you know what I love?
I love star wars and I do lovethat.
Um ahmad best is now the guythat saved grogu who yeah
absolutely like the fact thatgrogu is not redemption is
absolutely tragic for me.

Speaker 2 (01:13:06):
Excuse you, grogu is real oh well, rogu is real, to
me, damn it I have.

Speaker 4 (01:13:11):
I have this like I have.
I'm almost 40 and I know thatif I am in disney world one day
and I see little grogu sittingin a little pack on the dude
dressed like the mandalorianwalking around disney world, I'm
gonna start like wanting to cryin jarn?

Speaker 2 (01:13:29):
yeah, because he's like a little costume pocket
robot.

Speaker 4 (01:13:32):
I'm gonna start disney world.

Speaker 3 (01:13:33):
Hit me up.
I'm like an hour away.

Speaker 4 (01:13:35):
I will make it happen , like my family and I've sort
of been talking about doing likea trip, like as grown-ups, uh,
and going back because, like myfamily did disney so often when
we were kids, like I went firsttime when I was five and we went
four or five times we were justlike Disney fam and loved it.

Speaker 1 (01:13:59):
I've been as an adult to.

Speaker 4 (01:14:00):
Disneyland.
I love Epcot.
I loved Epcot as a kid, though,because I saw the.

Speaker 2 (01:14:06):
Disneyland is okay, you can go to Disneyland every
single day.
It's not the same 's better.
That's not true.

Speaker 3 (01:14:14):
I know that it's not better.
It's much smaller.

Speaker 1 (01:14:17):
Abby, it's time I need you to know are we still
going to be friends after what'sabout to happen?
of course I need you to get yourmost Canadian accent together.
I need you to go full Canadianfor me, because each week we

(01:14:37):
delve into some of the mostcringe worthy erotic literature
in history, often handpicked bythe literary review renowned
British literary magazine.
In a segment that we've dubbedcringy copulation, we showcase
real excerpts from real books wegenuinely intended to be taken,
that were genuinely intended tobe taken seriously.
This week's passage comes fromPriapia I can't even pronounce

(01:14:59):
this book, priapia by Anonymousand will be narrated by our
guest, abby.
Regarded as one of the earliestexamples of erotic literature.
Priapia, regarded as one of theearliest examples of erotic
literature.
The Priapia, or Carmina Priapia, is a collection of 80, and in
some editions, 95, anonymousshort Latin poems in various

(01:15:19):
meters on subjects pertaining tothe phallic god Priapius
Phallic baby.
They are believed to date fromthe 1 first century AD to the
beginning of the second century.
Check those DMs, abby.

Speaker 2 (01:15:34):
Historical porn.
Baby, let's go Slid into them.
Dms.

Speaker 4 (01:15:41):
Okay, is my camera off if I look at it in a
different window?

Speaker 1 (01:15:47):
No, you're good.
Okay, camera stays on, alright.

Speaker 4 (01:15:49):
Mask stays on.
Okay, you're good.
Okay, camera stays on All rightMask stays on, okay, so I just
start reading now.

Speaker 1 (01:15:54):
Yep.

Speaker 4 (01:15:57):
Yes, cringy copulation.
Me roomie Lydia's private partssurpass the lusty dray horse's
elephantine arse, wide as theschoolboy's ringing iron hoop,
vast as the ring the agilerider's scoop, and leap through,

(01:16:18):
neatly touching not the side,as round and round the dusty
course.
They ride Capacious as some oldand well-worn shoe that's
trudged the muddy streets sincefirst was new.
Stretched like the net thecrafty fowler holds, and drapery
as a curtain's heavy folds.

(01:16:38):
Loose as the bracelet gemmedwith green and scarlet that
mocks the arm of someconsumptive harlot.
Slack as a feather bed, withoutthe feathers, and baggy as some
ostler's well-used leathers.
Relaxed and hanging like theskinny coat that shields the
vulture's foul and flabby throat.

(01:17:00):
Tis said while bathing once wetrod love's path.
I know not, but I seem to fuckthe bath.
I know not, but I seem to fuckthe bath.

Speaker 1 (01:17:18):
I was like this is not actually that bad.
You gotta wait till the end.
So Dina thoughts on 1AD porn.

Speaker 2 (01:17:29):
I didn't understand any of it was this originally in
latin and then translatedbecause it's awful poetic and
rhymey for something that wastranslated, so it had to have
been doctored to like maybe alittle bit more understanding.

Speaker 3 (01:17:45):
Yeah, instead of bath they had basin in there or some
shit yeah, some garbage.

Speaker 1 (01:17:49):
So, dina, basically, the long and short of it is that
he is describing in poeticterms a woman's very large ass,
and then that she's got a veryloose vagina and that he fucked
her in the bathtub.
But she was so loose that hewas pretty sure he was just
fucking the bathtub.

Speaker 4 (01:18:04):
Now, did you understand that yourself, or did
you read that in like asynopsis of this?

Speaker 1 (01:18:09):
I'm not a complete moron, guys.
He said you're a dumb bitch.

Speaker 4 (01:18:13):
I did not say that.

Speaker 3 (01:18:14):
I am asking whether or not you figured that out
yourself, or have you read itsomewhere?
What was the red and greenthing?

Speaker 1 (01:18:22):
I don't know.
I think that was just a rhymingthing.

Speaker 4 (01:18:25):
Let's see, let's see, let's read it again Where's the
loose as the bracelet?

Speaker 2 (01:18:33):
gemmed with green and scarlet.

Speaker 4 (01:18:34):
Yeah, I don't get it, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:18:35):
Anal beads, oh yeah, it could be, yeah yeah, listen,
even in 1ad girls be freaks yolike I don't you know everybody
be freaks, everybody, I meanEverybody be freaked, everybody
be freaked Baggy, as someostlers will use leathers.

Speaker 4 (01:18:51):
We do not have sex right.
That's the one thing we don'tlike to talk about how much sex
we have.
But humans love sex.

Speaker 1 (01:18:58):
Well, Dina's already making sure she's going to tell
Zebra that she's had sex exactlyone time in her life.

Speaker 3 (01:19:05):
No, it was Immaculate Conception, oh you're right,
yeah, I'm the Virgin Mary.
Is no, it was ImmaculateConception.
Oh, you're right, yeah, I'm theVirgin Mary.
Is that sacrilegious?
Is this sacrilegious, you tell?

Speaker 4 (01:19:13):
me Is it sacrilegious to say outright that the Virgin
Mary was definitely not avirgin.

Speaker 1 (01:19:21):
Yeah, she was getting after it, bro, that's
definitely blasphemy.

Speaker 3 (01:19:24):
That's blasphemy and guess what Abby?

Speaker 1 (01:19:27):
I was already going to hell, you are kicked out of
the ilbp, that's all right, Iwouldn't want, I would want to
be kicked out, please yeah,potato tomato yeah, potato
tomato.

Speaker 3 (01:19:41):
It's not hard to get kicked out, especially if you're
me who outright says god doesnot exist.

Speaker 4 (01:19:47):
Yeah, I'm certain that they would not let me in
the front door.
Yeah, yeah, they might havesome problems with that?

Speaker 1 (01:19:54):
that's okay.
All right, 100.
All right, abby.
Abby, I need you to lock inhere.
All right, I need you to lockin.
We have one second.
We have a proud tradition onthe show.
You have one second to sell theworld, even those assholes up
in alberta that aren't realcanadians.
You need to sell them on yourbook.
You can lie.

Speaker 4 (01:20:13):
Several awesome Albertans who are real Canadians
did buy my book already and I'mfine Like they're awesome.

Speaker 3 (01:20:19):
I was going to say that that ad just came up a lot,
alberta came up a lot.
This is the thing, there's manygood people that are trapped
there.

Speaker 4 (01:20:29):
You know it's like the people that are trapped
there.
You know it's just, it's likethe people trapped in Alabama,
Florida and Florida Exactly.
Oh for sure, Exactly yes, ahundred percent Sean's like I
have to cut all of this.
Stop talking, people.

Speaker 1 (01:20:43):
I know it's not the vibe, but it's also a historical
fiction book, so it's the vibesean.
So it's all right, abby, we'relocking in right now.
We're van damme, we're vandamme right now.
Okay, all right, you have onesecond to lie, cheat, seduce, do
whatever it takes to sell thisbook to the fucking world.
All right, you ready?

Speaker 4 (01:20:59):
I'm gonna count you in three, two if you don't like
his fic, you will like this book.
Actually, because you don'thave to like his book.
Wait here it is.
Even if you don't like it,you'll love this book.

Speaker 2 (01:21:09):
Let, because you don't have to like his book,
wait here it is.
Even if you don't like it,you'll love this book let's go
all right now, abby.

Speaker 1 (01:21:14):
Now we're gonna give you a full elevator pitch.

Speaker 4 (01:21:16):
Here's an opportunity to actually sell the book to
everyone, not just alberta sothe the dragon and the butterfly
is a historical retelling ofthe Norman conquest of England,
but it's told from theperspective of Maude, who is the
wife of William the Conqueror,and I really wanted to actually

(01:21:36):
put this book together and focuson the female perspectives,
because so many women in historyare footnotes or their stories
just weren't seen as valuable orimportant to the historical
record, and I firmly disagree.

Speaker 1 (01:21:51):
So we disagree.

Speaker 4 (01:21:53):
We always disagree with people who don't think
women are important.

Speaker 1 (01:21:59):
And listen, man, we loved this book so much.
I mean, the prose is beautiful,the imagery with the butterfly.
I mean your, your ability towrite a scene and paint that
picture is incredible.
Just fast paced dialogue.
It's got a little bit ofromance, got a little bit of
violence.
It's got everything that youneed, you know, especially even
if you're you got that games,game of Thrones, itch, um, you
know, except it's like the realthing, um, and it, it's

(01:22:21):
absolutely fantastic.

Speaker 3 (01:22:32):
We can't recommend it enough.
Do you think I think that thisbook is for people that are like
big fans of like rain andoutlander?
Um, it's got like the similarvibe and it's it's very
captivating.

Speaker 1 (01:22:38):
I really appreciate it so if you like sunshine,
you're not going to like thisbook, only if you like rain, no
yeah, okay, rain like r-e-i-g-noh so sorry, so close.
We had like four differentreferences so again, guys, you

(01:22:59):
can check out the dragon and thebutterfly.
It's available now at Lost BoysPress.
You've got to check it out.
You got to go.
We love Abby here.
Support Abby, be a good personbecause she's a good person
gotta go.

Speaker 3 (01:23:08):
Do we have time for one Canada fact?
We love Abby here.
Support Abby, be a good person,because she's a good person.
Alright, guys, gotta go, gottago.

Speaker 2 (01:23:12):
Do we have time for one Canada fact because you
didn't give us one through theduration?

Speaker 1 (01:23:16):
Yes, I need a Canada fact to be like a thing.

Speaker 4 (01:23:19):
It was supposed to be a thing, but like.

Speaker 2 (01:23:20):
I don't want to interrupt so.

Speaker 1 (01:23:23):
And you know what that is.
That's a Canada thing.

Speaker 4 (01:23:28):
I didn't want to like derail it on Canada's behalf.

Speaker 1 (01:23:33):
We're never derailed on this show.
That's never happened here.

Speaker 4 (01:23:36):
Here's a Canada fact Yesterday was Canada's birthday,
which is three days beforeAmerica's birthday, how?

Speaker 1 (01:23:43):
dare you.

Speaker 4 (01:23:43):
Cute.
We're Irish twins.
We are Irish twins, give ortake 100.
It's fine.
Shh are Irish twins.
Give or take 100.
It's fine.
91 years.
You guys were 1776.

Speaker 3 (01:23:57):
We're Irish twins, it's okay.

Speaker 4 (01:24:00):
Just go with it, I'm giving you Canada facts and
you're talking over them,columbus and the ocean blue,
sorry.
Canada was officially born onJuly 1st 1867.
And we were formed as a countrybecause we had old men from

(01:24:23):
four different provinces thatexisted at the time like regions
, and they all met inCharlottetetown on prince edward
island in a building calledthat they now call confederation
house.
It might have been calledconfederation house then, but
they all met, they got really,really drunk and they talked
about their differences, ofwhich there were many, um, like
the fact that, you know, theywere english, some were english,

(01:24:44):
some were french and they hatedeach other, because england and
france hates each other.
Um, and then there were, umsome people that were also like
scottish and irish and thingslike that, because, like a lot
of like scots and irish peoplecame here and they were all very
, very drunk and they just, youknow, ironed out, they put on
paper this is what canada is andwe were a country just like

(01:25:08):
that fuck, yeah, fuck yeah,canada charlottetown go way.

Speaker 3 (01:25:13):
Simpler than the plot of hamilton that's what I want
every country story to be.

Speaker 2 (01:25:19):
It's just like a few old men got together and got
drunk and just mapped out thewhole thing it was fucking we're
gonna do.

Speaker 4 (01:25:25):
Our own country, canada, is I think it was 20
some drunk men like you guyshave your founding fathers and
we have the drunk old men whomay oh, I'm certainly, they were
all drunk yeah, they were alldrunk.
No, they legit like.
That is like literally thomasjefferson would never it's so

(01:25:46):
funny like.
It's funny because, like susanb anthony, who gave women the
right to vote in the unitedstates, essentially she worked
tirelessly for that most peoplehave said she was also susan b
anthony.

Speaker 1 (01:25:56):
Oh my gosh, we're kidding, we're kidding, we love
it, we love it, we're just beingassholes.

Speaker 4 (01:26:01):
I'm sorry, like I just I believe everything you
guys tell me.
Okay, but so she all of it's.
All of it's.
Why about this?
Is she gets the right to vote,but then she turned around and
she took away everybody's rightto drink alcohol.

Speaker 3 (01:26:14):
What a bitch.
Yeah, she's a bitch.

Speaker 4 (01:26:17):
She was a massive teetotaler.
Like she was like the leader ofthe temperance movement which
was behind prohibition in theUnited.

Speaker 1 (01:26:23):
States, Again Canada would never.

Speaker 4 (01:26:25):
Canada did never actually have prohibition.

Speaker 1 (01:26:27):
That's goddamn right.
You guys didn't haveprohibition, we did not.

Speaker 3 (01:26:30):
God, I love Prohibition Kitchen.
Have you guys ever been?
No, what's this?
Is this a restaurant?
It's the best restaurant everIf you're ever in St Augustine.
Oh my God, Like it's so I can'teven Better than Applebee's?

Speaker 2 (01:26:46):
No way Better than.

Speaker 1 (01:26:46):
Applebee's no way Better than Applebee's, hey Abby
.
Last question their charcuterieboard.

Speaker 3 (01:26:51):
Oh my god, I'm crying .
I love that restaurant.

Speaker 1 (01:26:54):
So, Abby, last question before we get to the
socials and stuff what happenedto Tim Hortons?

Speaker 4 (01:27:03):
Okay, the real answer is it was bought out by a
conglomerate of massivecompanies.
You know the bad forcapitalism's the big ones, too
big.
Um, that just like buy up andlike so all the competition
disappears, and.
But they also got rid of thethings that made it like
canadian.
Like they started making thedonuts smaller, uh, like cooking

(01:27:23):
them smaller to save on money.
And um the coffee was neverreally that great, but it always
sort of had this like canadian,kind of like nostalgia to it
and it was very inexpensive,which was really really nice.
But it started losing its kindof like sheen or essentially I
guess it was like the onlycoffee shop we had once.
We got like Starbucks andthings like that and other like
Starbucks.

(01:27:43):
So it started then trying tolike compete with other fast
foods.
So then you had Tim Hortons,which was coffee and donuts,
bringing in things like pizzaand um, oh no.
Um, like wraps and other thingsand like stay in your lane, Tim.
They tried burgers for a while,like they did, they tried
burgers.
So Dean is done, she's like bye.

(01:28:05):
She's like, yeah, fuck you, timhortons this is, but that's
what happened to tim hortons.
They got too, big and um thatonce they kind of got too big
because they got, they gotbought out by this international
company.
Go ahead, leave and come backreal quick with them yeah yeah,
yeah, so they just basically gottoo big for what they are,

(01:28:27):
shiver me timbits, and they gotbought by a parent company that
doesn't understand them, orCanada, I would say.

Speaker 1 (01:28:36):
We're here to fight the revolution with you.

Speaker 2 (01:28:40):
They lost the essence .

Speaker 4 (01:28:41):
They did, they lost the essence.
They did.
They lost the essence of whatmade them special.
So now the only thing thatcanadians love about tim hortons
or I mean, some canadians stilllove tim hortons, but like now,
like we'll see, like they'reopening brand new tim hortons in
the uk, like all the time.

Speaker 1 (01:28:57):
So we're like hey can con they just opened one in
georgia bro they opened one ingeorgia, see this is the thing
like they want it like they noway sold.

Speaker 4 (01:29:06):
They sold there.
When I was up there were TimHortons like on board in border
towns in like Michigan, new York, like, whatever.
Like hugged the Canada border.
You'd maybe get a Tim Hortons inone of those cities, right, but
now it is it's like fullyinternational.
And it's only fullyinternational because they had
sold to this internationalcompany that wanted to expand.

(01:29:28):
And but part of expanding is,you know, you take a lot of the
quality of your product and youlike stretch your dollar, so the
quality cheapens a little.
You know all those fundamentals.

Speaker 1 (01:29:40):
Yeah, no, I get you and I'm with you, and thank you
so much for giving us the Canadafacts.
Thank you for standing up forTim Hortons and we're going to
go to war with them, but Abbythis has been so have you been
to Tim Hortons now that it's inGeorgia?
I've driven by it.
I need to go.
You should go, you should go.

Speaker 4 (01:29:54):
You should try it and form your own opinion Be part
of that.
I do personally think thattheir donuts are still better
than like any American donutI've ever had.
I think, American donuts aretoo sugary, like way too sugary.
Have you seen a comparison?
Yeah, like this is like if youhad, like like krispy kreme,
tried to tried to go into canadaand they couldn't get in

(01:30:14):
because of krispy kreme is anational institution and I will
not have these.

Speaker 1 (01:30:19):
Daniel hey, where?

Speaker 3 (01:30:21):
can the folks find us ?

Speaker 1 (01:30:23):
all right guys.
So we had abby on here.
Check out the dragon and thebutterfly.
Abby, where can the folks findyou on the interwebs?

Speaker 4 (01:30:29):
uh, they can find me on twitter.
Slash whatever he wants to callit at abby that tweet.
You can find me on instagramand threads as abby the gram.
You can find me on tiktok,though I don't do a lot of video
posting because I don't like toit.
It's very stressful, but, um, Iwill hopefully start posting

(01:30:52):
more things there.
That's Abby that tick um.

Speaker 2 (01:30:57):
I'm sensing a theme here.

Speaker 4 (01:30:58):
Yeah, yeah.
I pigeonholed myself when Icame up with Abby the tweet and
I love.

Speaker 1 (01:31:02):
Abby, the only fans as well.
It's a great name.

Speaker 4 (01:31:04):
It's you can't, but you can't be out of the tweet
over on other places, right Likeyou could be, but I decided not
to be and then I pulled myselfinto this weird thing.
So it is what it is, but yes.

Speaker 3 (01:31:13):
I love it.

Speaker 4 (01:31:14):
Perfect.
I have started putting my lastname on things, so you can just
find me that way.

Speaker 3 (01:31:18):
You can find me on Twitter at DinosaurusD.
That's D, like D as in D D.

Speaker 1 (01:31:31):
And you can find me on twitter.

Speaker 2 (01:31:33):
Dan q writes thing that's dan q writes thing
singular or I guess danky, dankyrights thing, abby as a
canadian, how would youpronounce my, my name?

Speaker 4 (01:31:40):
dan.
I mean because you put the q iscapitalized, so I did sort of
read it as dan q writes thingsum.
But I like dank, I think that'sfun thanks.

Speaker 1 (01:31:50):
Thanks, the right answer, all right, perfect.
Uh, you can find me on threadsat daniel quigley, author,
because I did not have a themeand I didn't think this through.
Uh, producer sean, where canthe folks find you, buddy?

Speaker 2 (01:31:59):
you can find me on xcom at chase holdu and uh,
what's happening for dinnertonight, bud uh kirogi with
kielbasa and some sauerkraut andprobably some green beans and
some bacon.

Speaker 1 (01:32:16):
Would you like some sauerkraut?
German boy, german boy.
Alright, sorry, south Park song, but it's fine.
Anyways, abby, we love you somuch.
Thank you for coming on theshow.
We can't wait to see you guysall again soon.
Was that Blaine, canada that?

Speaker 4 (01:32:32):
you were singing.

Speaker 1 (01:32:34):
No, I should have done.
Blaine Canada yeah, I shouldhave done that.

Speaker 2 (01:32:38):
Don't Make it Weird, with Daniel Quigley, Dinosaurus
and Sean Holden Produced andedited by me.
Sean Holden Theme song by AmariaInc.
Holden Theme song by Amaria.
Incidental music and soundeffects provided by VoiceMod, as
well as the YouTube AudioLibrary, you can rate and review
this show on Spotify, applePodcasts, goodpods and wherever
else you download your podcasts.

(01:32:59):
Got a question for Daniel orDina?
Call the Don't Make it Weirdhotline at 347-69-WEIRD that's
347-699-3473.
And leave us a message.
It could be featured on afuture episode and if you
haven't already, pleasesubscribe to Don't Make it Weird
on YouTube for the videopresentation or on your favorite

(01:33:19):
podcast app for the audio-onlyversion of the show.
Thank you so much and we loveyou.

Speaker 3 (01:33:25):
Don't make it weird, was that okay?

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