January 15, 2025 • 22 mins
How does one recognize the invisible chains of emotional abuse, and what does it take to break free? Through the powerful narrative of LaShaundra Barnes, listeners are invited into a story of resilience and transformation. LaShaundra courageously recounts her journey from a childhood overshadowed by her parents' divorce to reuniting with her first boyfriend, who would later become her abuser. Her openness about the mental, emotional, and financial abuse she suffered offers a beacon of hope and awareness to those who might feel trapped in similar situations. Her story sheds light on crucial warning signs, like the feeling of walking on eggshells, and the silent destruction that often accompanies abuse.
Throughout this poignant episode, faith and community emerge as pivotal allies in LaShaundra's path to healing. LaShaundra shares how her faith in Jesus Christ became a lifeline, guiding her out of a tumultuous relationship and toward a renewed existence filled with purpose. The episode also brings Sandra from "Her Desired Haven" into the conversation, as we discuss the essential role of community support and awareness in empowering individuals to escape non-inclusive relationships. This heartfelt exchange underscores the importance of seeking help and utilizing resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, urging those affected to find peace and sanity beyond their pain. Don't miss this episode's deep dive into the transformative power of faith, courage, and community.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone, thank you again for joining me on
another episode of the DorsuroShow.
Today we have a special guestwith us.
Her name is Lysandra Bonds.
She is a podcast host andproducer who uses her passions,
gifts and creativity to glorifyGod God.
(00:29):
She's currently a single mother, raising near adverse children
and also been a domesticviolence survivor.
Her life experience is bothgood and bad has shaped and
motivated her into the woman sheis today.
She's determined to tell herstory, showing how God is and
the wonderful acts and miracleshe's done in her life.
(00:50):
By sharing her story, shedesires to help others believe,
to find purpose in their painand peace in the midst of life's
storms.
Lysandra, thank you so much forcoming on the show today.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming onthe show today Hi thank you so
much for having me AbsolutelyWell.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I'd like to open up with an icebreaker question, and
today's icebreaker question iswhere did you grow up, and how
did that affect who you becameto?
Speaker 2 (01:21):
you became oh, okay, so I grew up in Illinois, like
the suburbs of Chicago, and so Iwas very reserved and quiet
when I was a kid, very to myself.
I wasn't shy because I wasmyself when I was around people
I knew, but when I wasn't, I wasvery reserved, very observant.
(01:43):
And even to today I am veryreserved and observant, but I
think I'm more outgoing todaythan I was when I was a child.
I'm the youngest of threesiblings, so I'm the baby of the
family.
We're a family of five, so I'mthe youngest and yeah, I had an
okay childhood.
(02:06):
The only thing that Iexperienced that really kind of
stuck with me and altered me alittle bit was when my parents
got divorced around middleschool and they used to argue a
lot and things like that, andwhen my dad left the house I
didn't realize how much, youknow, having a relationship with
him would have, you know,affected my life.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So, yeah, that's kind of like my story and upbringing
Tell us a little bit more aboutyour story, how you got saved
and you know what you know alittle bit more about that
before we get into your full-onstory about being in a in a
abusive relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah, so I'm like I said.
My parents will argue a lot.
They got divorced around middleschool.
For me, I met my firstboyfriend around my junior year
of high school and, um, we met.
We were together for a brieftime and then he moved to a
different state.
We lost contact and I wasdevastated because of that.
(03:11):
Years, years later he ended upbecoming the father of my three
kids and my former abuseractually.
So we reconnected when I was incollege and we were in like a
long distance relationship andso eventually he moved to my
state where I was living at thetime, and in that relationship I
suffered a lot of mental andemotional abuse.
(03:33):
There was some verbal, somefinancial abuse as well, and
then at the very end, it gotextremely toxic and that's when
it got physical.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
What are some of the red flags that you saw in your
relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, Some of the red flags would be walking on
eggshells, like in my own house,being so afraid to upset him or
you know, because anythingreally could, no matter how hard
I tried, it was alwayssomething that you know upset
him.
Or I was always being blamedfor things, even things that I
had no control over, things Ididn't do.
(04:07):
So that was a big red flag.
Another one was his lack ofself-control, insecurity,
destruction of property,punching holes in the walls,
different things like that.
Also, withholding my property,taking the car keys not giving
them to me, taking my phone notreturning it to me, my bank
cards, things like that, Evenoverdrafting my bank account and
(04:29):
spending my check before Icould even spend it, and that
kind of goes with like thefinancial abuse aspect of it.
So those were some of the redflags that I've experienced.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
How did you, did you not see, did you not said and if
you know, if I'm understandingyou correctly, that the same guy
that you are dating or that youwere in a relationship with
before you had dated and thenyou lost contact, then you got
back together with him, is?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
that correct.
We met when we were kids.
I was in high school.
We met probably like the firsttwo months of the school year.
I didn't really have, like Ididn't see any signs, there was
no.
You know, know, it was such ashort span that we met and then
he kind of like disappeared offthe face of the earth.
So I didn't really even get theopportunity to get to know him
(05:22):
in depth.
You know, really understand,like he had been through a lot.
Even when I met him back inhigh school he had been through
a lot.
I didn't know any of it becauseit was such a brief encounter.
The abuse didn didn't startuntil years later.
So we were kids and he moves,and then we lose contact, and
then I didn't regain contactwith him until I was in college,
(05:45):
almost done with college, sothat was way later.
And then, once we were in arelationship together in person,
not long distance, then that'swhen I saw, you know, and, mind
you, when I wasn't hitting mebut I was still being abused,
(06:13):
but I didn't have knowledge thatabuse came in so many different
forms other than physical.
So I was like, oh okay, he'snot hitting me yet, I'm okay, I
just knew that he would be meansometimes or he would treat me
bad or something wasn't right,but I was kind of ignoring those
red flags and even the peoplethat were telling me wise
counsel, saying, hey, this guyis not it, you know so.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Now that you look back on it and you've, you know,
studied it and learned about it, what are some of the other
forms of abuse besides, you know, physical?
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yes.
So there's mental and emotional,and I would say for my
relationship, for like majorityof it, it was mental and
emotional, like psychological,so like the manipulation you
know, trying to control you,trying to intimidate you or kind
of guilt, trip you into doingwhat they want, and that was
majority of it making you feellike you're crazy, making you
(07:08):
doubt yourself, things like that.
There's also financial abusespending your paycheck or
withholding money from you.
It could go both ways.
Usually you would think thatthe man's the person who has the
money and he just waswithholding it from you or
rationing it out.
But in my situation I, for amajority of the relationship,
was making the more money, so hewould spend my money, he would
(07:32):
overdraft my bank accountnumerous times to where I
couldn't even buy diapers forour son because he overdraft the
account and he would do thatall the time.
There's also verbal abuse, withyour words talking down to you,
belittling you, making you feelso small, maybe making you feel
like a bad mother to your kids,you know, and let me see.
(07:54):
And of course there's thephysical as well, which most
people identify with.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So what are some of the reasons, or maybe barriers,
that kept you in thatrelationship?
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So the first one was my actual love for this person,
like I really did love him, Ireally did care about him.
I wanted to be there for him, Iwanted to support him.
I wanted things to work out.
So bad, but it just keptgetting progressively getting
worse and worse.
Another one was, you know, mykids were very young.
They had to be like I havethree, so they had to be two,
(08:28):
three and four at the time.
So three kids under five havingto leave and not know where I'm
going, having to start overwith nothing, just the fear of
not knowing what's next too aswell, and just becoming a single
mother overnight with my kids.
I didn't want to break up thefamily.
I wanted to do thingsdifferently than my parents had
(08:51):
they got divorced.
I wanted all my kids to be inthe same household with the same
father and for the family notto be broken up.
So that was something thatreally kept me in that situation
, because I really wanted it towork.
And then the last thing wouldbe legal issues with custody.
The oldest child is notbiologically mine, so I didn't
have any legal rights to her andshe couldn't go back with bio
(09:14):
mom.
And then bio dad was strugglingand she couldn't really be with
him at the time and so I didn'treally have any legal rights to
her and I didn't want her to goto foster care because that's
potentially what could havehappened.
So I was kind of stuck.
I really didn't know what to doto kind of help her, because I
wanted her to continue to staywith me but because of our
(09:35):
difficulties with her father, Ididn't know what was going to
happen to her.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
How can someone identify if they are in an
emotional abusive relationship?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I would say if the person is isolating you from
your family maybe they've movedyou to a different city, state
or country to where you don'thave a support system You're so
far that even if they wanted tohelp you, they can't, or it
could just be simply them notallowing you to call your family
, call your friends, ormonitoring your calls, things
(10:09):
like that.
Or monitoring your calls,things like that.
If they are very insecure orlack self-control, they're
damaging property, they'redamaging the things you value,
or threatening to harmthemselves, you, your children,
your pets, stuff like that.
And additionally, I would say,trying to manipulate you, trying
to control you, make you dowhat they want, make you doubt
(10:33):
yourself, make you feel likeyou're crazy, or, if they feel
like they can't control you,trying to change other people's
perceptions of you, making otherpeople think that, oh, she's
just crazy, and things like that.
So those could be some keyindicators that you might be in
an abusive relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Those could be some key indicators that you might be
in an abusive relationship.
When did you come to arelationship with Christ?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
and how did that affect you know, how did that
affect the relationship that youwere in?
Yeah, so I had always had arelationship with Christ.
Since I was a little girl, Ialways had a relationship with
Christ.
Since I was a little girl, Ialways had a prayer life and I
would say, even back to likemiddle school, I always prayed.
But I think when I fullysurrendered to Christ, fully
surrendered and fully acceptedhim, was after I left that
(11:28):
abusive relationship.
It got so bad to where I almostcommitted suicide.
I had near-death experiencesand so God was showing me like,
hey, this is just going toprogressively continue to get
worse.
You almost died, you almosttook your own life.
How much do you want thismarriage, how much do you want
this relationship, and are yougoing to continue to put this
(11:50):
above me?
So I had to make a decision.
I had to choose this man, thismarriage, this relationship, or
I had to choose God.
And I chose God.
And so after leaving that, Iwent from being in that one-way
relationship praying to God, tobeing in communion, having
intimacy and just taking a stepback to really be quiet, to sit
back, to listen, to walk inobedience and listen to the Holy
(12:12):
Spirit and everything that Godwas telling me, and choosing to
lead a life of obedience,because I tried it the other way
and it didn't work.
I tried it my way.
It didn't work.
So after leaving thatrelationship is when I fully
surrendered to Christ.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Now you had said earlier that you didn't see or
know that you were in an abusiverelationship, but then, just
now, you said that you wanted tocommit suicide.
What made you go to that levelwhere you were like, okay, I'm
just going to end my life?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Okay.
So one day we had went to and Iguess I'll just tell the story,
what led up to that.
One day we had went to thegrocery store and throughout the
relationship he had made mefeel bad.
He had belittled me Mentally.
I wasn't in a great placeanyway, because the whole
relationship he was mentally andemotionally abusing me and I
(13:11):
didn't even really know it andtrying to break down my mind and
I didn't even really know it.
So at this point we had went tothe grocery store one day and I
remember he was running aroundthe grocery store being loud,
obnoxious, screaming, runningaround with the kids, yelling
and stuff like that.
But for some reason that day Ihad a lot of anxiety.
I didn't feel like myself, Iwas very anxious, I didn't
really want to be around people,but we needed to go to the
(13:33):
store.
So I was just telling him hey,can you guys relax so we can get
in, get out.
I didn't want to be there, andso one thing that I remember is
when we were in the store, thiswas just me.
I was thinking.
People kept looking at me likeI was crazy.
Every person I walked past waslooking at me weird, and it's
probably because how I wasfeeling on the inside, the
(13:56):
anxiousness was reading on myface.
Maybe I don't know, but I justnoticed and I never said
anything to him.
So when we get home I kind ofask him why didn't you just
relax?
I wanted to get in and out thestore really quickly and he was
like he had said to me, me andthe kids were having fun.
And he said everyone waslooking at you like you were
(14:18):
crazy.
And I remember he had thesebottle of pills in his hand and
I snatched them and I blackedout at that point because I
don't know, for some reason Inever said anything to him.
But that's what I was thinkingwhen I was in the store, like
why is everybody looking at melike this?
And I guess I thought that hewas right, that there was
something wrong with me.
Maybe I was crazy, I don't know.
(14:39):
But after that I took thosepills.
I just remember throwing themall over the kitchen and I don't
know if I was actually doing itor about to do it, but I
remember hysterically crying andI was about to commit suicide
by the pills.
But it's even hard for me toremember everything, but I know
I didn't swallow anything, butthe ambulance was still called
(15:00):
and I went to the emergency room.
They checked me out, they gaveme a referral for therapy
services and I remember he cameto the emergency room and the
first thing, one of the firstthings he said to me was don't
tell like this is us, don't tellyour family about this.
And I had never told anyoneabout it.
But that's kind of like whathappened leading up to it, like
(15:20):
he made me feel like I was crazy.
I already was kind of thinkingit and I just kind of lost sense
of reality in that moment.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Where can people get help if they are experiencing
abuse?
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I would say the first thing is to tell someone and it
could just be telling a familymember, a friend, a counselor,
therapist, psychiatrist Lookinto your community and see
what's available.
There are a lot of clinics andthings that focus specifically
on domestic violence, so I willstart there.
I can also share the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline
(15:56):
information as well.
It's 1-800-799-7233.
And that's a 24-7, 365 freeresource that's available to
people who might need it.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
What was your way of escape?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
My way of escape, I always say, is Jesus Christ,
because he just gave me chanceand chance after chance.
I feel like I was ignoringevery red flag.
He sent people to me to tell me, hey, this is not okay.
And I was still like, no, youdon't know what you're talking
about.
But he allowed me to leave thatsituation with my life, with my
children, with my sanity and myright mind.
(16:35):
And I know some people theydied in it or they left, but
they're severely mentally illand they can barely function or
they have PTSD.
And I'm just grateful to Godthat he spared my life.
He was my way of escape andjust my faith and belief that he
would provide for me, he wouldmake a way.
Even though I had left withnothing, he continued to take
(16:56):
care of me and he was my way ofescape because I feel like he
gave me a choice and I justchose him.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
At the end of the day , what was it like, finally, you
know, making up your mind andmaking that decision to leave.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
It was hard, I'm not going to lie.
It was extremely hard.
We became pretty much homeless.
I didn't have a place to live.
I had to move three or fourtimes before I was able to get
my own place, with my kids, mindyou.
Living with different people,with three small kids kids are
loud, kids are running around,people get annoyed really
quickly it was really hard forme.
(17:36):
It was really hard for me.
No-transcript forgiveness ofhim.
(18:03):
We're not together, nor will webe together anymore, but we
still have kids, so he's still apart of my life.
So I'm grateful to God thathe's allowed me to reach a space
of healing to where I couldfully forgive him for what he's
done to me.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
And how did that healing come about?
Was it through the therapy orwas it through something else?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
I think it took time.
I know for four years we werenot in contact.
We had like a order ofprotection, like a restraining
order, so for four years, me orthe kids, we were not in contact
with him.
So it took time.
I think it was a combination ofgoing to therapy and my
relationship with Jesus Christultimately has helped me be able
(18:45):
to reach that place of peaceand that freedom, because
there's freedom and being ableto forgive a person.
So I think it was a combinationof all those.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
What are some of the key takeaways that you would
want my listeners to remember?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
The first thing is that your life matters and that
you should never be ashamed totell your story.
That could be the very thingthat leads someone else to
Christ, that makes someone elsehave hope or be encouraged.
So don't be ashamed to shareyour story.
Shame to share your story.
(19:21):
Another thing would be thatabuse comes in so many different
forms, and it's important tonot ignore those red flags in
relationships.
Additionally, sometimes therapyis necessary, and I think it's
very important for us to getthat professional help that we
need in order to be able tofully heal, because the abuse,
that's not the end of your storyand there is life after abuse.
(19:41):
And then I think the last thingwould be that Jesus loves you,
that he doesn't desire you to beabused, and he just desires us
to surrender to him.
So if you're leading alifestyle that doesn't glorify
him, repent for that, turn fromthat and make a decision.
Make a choice.
Like me, it was life or death.
It was this man, this marriage,this relationship or Christ,
(20:02):
and I had to choose him becausemy way wasn't the right way.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I always ask my guests to give an encouragement
to my listeners as well, as weget ready to close.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I would say that know that you're not alone.
A lot of people areexperiencing the very same
things that you are.
But, like I said, just tellsomeone.
Tell someone, because abusethrives in isolation and
darkness and in silence, butwhen you open your mouth,
there's power in that, so youshouldn't have to endure and go
(20:38):
through this alone.
Tell someone what you're goingthrough and begin to look to God
as your source not this person,but God, amen.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Well, Sandra, thank you so much for coming on the
show today.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Is there a way that people can connect with you if
they want to speak with you, orthey have a way for you to speak
to them as?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
well, yes, I have a podcast.
It's called Her Desired Havenand my website is
herdesiredhavencom.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I will put that in the show notes as well, and
thank you, guys and girls, forcoming on the show and listening
.
I hope you enjoy this messageand hopefully you are not in an
inclusive relationship and ifyou are, that you have the
ability to get out of that.
And please check out my websiteas well, wwwdorseyrossshowcom.
(21:43):
And until next time, god bless,bye-bye.
Hello everyone, thank you again for joining me on
another episode of the DorsuroShow.
Today we have a special guestwith us.
Her name is Lysandra Bonds.
She is a podcast host andproducer who uses her passions,
gifts and creativity to glorifyGod God.
(00:29):
She's currently a single mother, raising near adverse children
and also been a domesticviolence survivor.
Her life experience is bothgood and bad has shaped and
motivated her into the woman sheis today.
She's determined to tell herstory, showing how God is and
the wonderful acts and miracleshe's done in her life.
(00:50):
By sharing her story, shedesires to help others believe,
to find purpose in their painand peace in the midst of life's
storms.
Lysandra, thank you so much forcoming on the show today.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming onthe show today Hi thank you so
much for having me AbsolutelyWell.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I'd like to open up with an icebreaker question, and
today's icebreaker question iswhere did you grow up, and how
did that affect who you becameto?
Speaker 2 (01:21):
you became oh, okay, so I grew up in Illinois, like
the suburbs of Chicago, and so Iwas very reserved and quiet
when I was a kid, very to myself.
I wasn't shy because I wasmyself when I was around people
I knew, but when I wasn't, I wasvery reserved, very observant.
(01:43):
And even to today I am veryreserved and observant, but I
think I'm more outgoing todaythan I was when I was a child.
I'm the youngest of threesiblings, so I'm the baby of the
family.
We're a family of five, so I'mthe youngest and yeah, I had an
okay childhood.
(02:06):
The only thing that Iexperienced that really kind of
stuck with me and altered me alittle bit was when my parents
got divorced around middleschool and they used to argue a
lot and things like that, andwhen my dad left the house I
didn't realize how much, youknow, having a relationship with
him would have, you know,affected my life.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So, yeah, that's kind of like my story and upbringing
Tell us a little bit more aboutyour story, how you got saved
and you know what you know alittle bit more about that
before we get into your full-onstory about being in a in a
abusive relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yeah, so I'm like I said.
My parents will argue a lot.
They got divorced around middleschool.
For me, I met my firstboyfriend around my junior year
of high school and, um, we met.
We were together for a brieftime and then he moved to a
different state.
We lost contact and I wasdevastated because of that.
(03:11):
Years, years later he ended upbecoming the father of my three
kids and my former abuseractually.
So we reconnected when I was incollege and we were in like a
long distance relationship andso eventually he moved to my
state where I was living at thetime, and in that relationship I
suffered a lot of mental andemotional abuse.
(03:33):
There was some verbal, somefinancial abuse as well, and
then at the very end, it gotextremely toxic and that's when
it got physical.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
What are some of the red flags that you saw in your
relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, Some of the red flags would be walking on
eggshells, like in my own house,being so afraid to upset him or
you know, because anythingreally could, no matter how hard
I tried, it was alwayssomething that you know upset
him.
Or I was always being blamedfor things, even things that I
had no control over, things Ididn't do.
(04:07):
So that was a big red flag.
Another one was his lack ofself-control, insecurity,
destruction of property,punching holes in the walls,
different things like that.
Also, withholding my property,taking the car keys not giving
them to me, taking my phone notreturning it to me, my bank
cards, things like that, Evenoverdrafting my bank account and
(04:29):
spending my check before Icould even spend it, and that
kind of goes with like thefinancial abuse aspect of it.
So those were some of the redflags that I've experienced.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
How did you, did you not see, did you not said and if
you know, if I'm understandingyou correctly, that the same guy
that you are dating or that youwere in a relationship with
before you had dated and thenyou lost contact, then you got
back together with him, is?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
that correct.
We met when we were kids.
I was in high school.
We met probably like the firsttwo months of the school year.
I didn't really have, like Ididn't see any signs, there was
no.
You know, know, it was such ashort span that we met and then
he kind of like disappeared offthe face of the earth.
So I didn't really even get theopportunity to get to know him
(05:22):
in depth.
You know, really understand,like he had been through a lot.
Even when I met him back inhigh school he had been through
a lot.
I didn't know any of it becauseit was such a brief encounter.
The abuse didn didn't startuntil years later.
So we were kids and he moves,and then we lose contact, and
then I didn't regain contactwith him until I was in college,
(05:45):
almost done with college, sothat was way later.
And then, once we were in arelationship together in person,
not long distance, then that'swhen I saw, you know, and, mind
you, when I wasn't hitting mebut I was still being abused,
(06:13):
but I didn't have knowledge thatabuse came in so many different
forms other than physical.
So I was like, oh okay, he'snot hitting me yet, I'm okay, I
just knew that he would be meansometimes or he would treat me
bad or something wasn't right,but I was kind of ignoring those
red flags and even the peoplethat were telling me wise
counsel, saying, hey, this guyis not it, you know so.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Now that you look back on it and you've, you know,
studied it and learned about it, what are some of the other
forms of abuse besides, you know, physical?
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yes.
So there's mental and emotional,and I would say for my
relationship, for like majorityof it, it was mental and
emotional, like psychological,so like the manipulation you
know, trying to control you,trying to intimidate you or kind
of guilt, trip you into doingwhat they want, and that was
majority of it making you feellike you're crazy, making you
(07:08):
doubt yourself, things like that.
There's also financial abusespending your paycheck or
withholding money from you.
It could go both ways.
Usually you would think thatthe man's the person who has the
money and he just waswithholding it from you or
rationing it out.
But in my situation I, for amajority of the relationship,
was making the more money, so hewould spend my money, he would
(07:32):
overdraft my bank accountnumerous times to where I
couldn't even buy diapers forour son because he overdraft the
account and he would do thatall the time.
There's also verbal abuse, withyour words talking down to you,
belittling you, making you feelso small, maybe making you feel
like a bad mother to your kids,you know, and let me see.
(07:54):
And of course there's thephysical as well, which most
people identify with.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So what are some of the reasons, or maybe barriers,
that kept you in thatrelationship?
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So the first one was my actual love for this person,
like I really did love him, Ireally did care about him.
I wanted to be there for him, Iwanted to support him.
I wanted things to work out.
So bad, but it just keptgetting progressively getting
worse and worse.
Another one was, you know, mykids were very young.
They had to be like I havethree, so they had to be two,
(08:28):
three and four at the time.
So three kids under five havingto leave and not know where I'm
going, having to start overwith nothing, just the fear of
not knowing what's next too aswell, and just becoming a single
mother overnight with my kids.
I didn't want to break up thefamily.
I wanted to do thingsdifferently than my parents had
(08:51):
they got divorced.
I wanted all my kids to be inthe same household with the same
father and for the family notto be broken up.
So that was something thatreally kept me in that situation
, because I really wanted it towork.
And then the last thing wouldbe legal issues with custody.
The oldest child is notbiologically mine, so I didn't
have any legal rights to her andshe couldn't go back with bio
(09:14):
mom.
And then bio dad was strugglingand she couldn't really be with
him at the time and so I didn'treally have any legal rights to
her and I didn't want her to goto foster care because that's
potentially what could havehappened.
So I was kind of stuck.
I really didn't know what to doto kind of help her, because I
wanted her to continue to staywith me but because of our
(09:35):
difficulties with her father, Ididn't know what was going to
happen to her.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
How can someone identify if they are in an
emotional abusive relationship?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I would say if the person is isolating you from
your family maybe they've movedyou to a different city, state
or country to where you don'thave a support system You're so
far that even if they wanted tohelp you, they can't, or it
could just be simply them notallowing you to call your family
, call your friends, ormonitoring your calls, things
(10:09):
like that.
Or monitoring your calls,things like that.
If they are very insecure orlack self-control, they're
damaging property, they'redamaging the things you value,
or threatening to harmthemselves, you, your children,
your pets, stuff like that.
And additionally, I would say,trying to manipulate you, trying
to control you, make you dowhat they want, make you doubt
(10:33):
yourself, make you feel likeyou're crazy, or, if they feel
like they can't control you,trying to change other people's
perceptions of you, making otherpeople think that, oh, she's
just crazy, and things like that.
So those could be some keyindicators that you might be in
an abusive relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Those could be some key indicators that you might be
in an abusive relationship.
When did you come to arelationship with Christ?
Speaker 2 (11:03):
and how did that affect you know, how did that
affect the relationship that youwere in?
Yeah, so I had always had arelationship with Christ.
Since I was a little girl, Ialways had a relationship with
Christ.
Since I was a little girl, Ialways had a prayer life and I
would say, even back to likemiddle school, I always prayed.
But I think when I fullysurrendered to Christ, fully
surrendered and fully acceptedhim, was after I left that
(11:28):
abusive relationship.
It got so bad to where I almostcommitted suicide.
I had near-death experiencesand so God was showing me like,
hey, this is just going toprogressively continue to get
worse.
You almost died, you almosttook your own life.
How much do you want thismarriage, how much do you want
this relationship, and are yougoing to continue to put this
(11:50):
above me?
So I had to make a decision.
I had to choose this man, thismarriage, this relationship, or
I had to choose God.
And I chose God.
And so after leaving that, Iwent from being in that one-way
relationship praying to God, tobeing in communion, having
intimacy and just taking a stepback to really be quiet, to sit
back, to listen, to walk inobedience and listen to the Holy
(12:12):
Spirit and everything that Godwas telling me, and choosing to
lead a life of obedience,because I tried it the other way
and it didn't work.
I tried it my way.
It didn't work.
So after leaving thatrelationship is when I fully
surrendered to Christ.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Now you had said earlier that you didn't see or
know that you were in an abusiverelationship, but then, just
now, you said that you wanted tocommit suicide.
What made you go to that levelwhere you were like, okay, I'm
just going to end my life?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Okay.
So one day we had went to and Iguess I'll just tell the story,
what led up to that.
One day we had went to thegrocery store and throughout the
relationship he had made mefeel bad.
He had belittled me Mentally.
I wasn't in a great placeanyway, because the whole
relationship he was mentally andemotionally abusing me and I
(13:11):
didn't even really know it andtrying to break down my mind and
I didn't even really know it.
So at this point we had went tothe grocery store one day and I
remember he was running aroundthe grocery store being loud,
obnoxious, screaming, runningaround with the kids, yelling
and stuff like that.
But for some reason that day Ihad a lot of anxiety.
I didn't feel like myself, Iwas very anxious, I didn't
really want to be around people,but we needed to go to the
(13:33):
store.
So I was just telling him hey,can you guys relax so we can get
in, get out.
I didn't want to be there, andso one thing that I remember is
when we were in the store, thiswas just me.
I was thinking.
People kept looking at me likeI was crazy.
Every person I walked past waslooking at me weird, and it's
probably because how I wasfeeling on the inside, the
(13:56):
anxiousness was reading on myface.
Maybe I don't know, but I justnoticed and I never said
anything to him.
So when we get home I kind ofask him why didn't you just
relax?
I wanted to get in and out thestore really quickly and he was
like he had said to me, me andthe kids were having fun.
And he said everyone waslooking at you like you were
(14:18):
crazy.
And I remember he had thesebottle of pills in his hand and
I snatched them and I blackedout at that point because I
don't know, for some reason Inever said anything to him.
But that's what I was thinkingwhen I was in the store, like
why is everybody looking at melike this?
And I guess I thought that hewas right, that there was
something wrong with me.
Maybe I was crazy, I don't know.
(14:39):
But after that I took thosepills.
I just remember throwing themall over the kitchen and I don't
know if I was actually doing itor about to do it, but I
remember hysterically crying andI was about to commit suicide
by the pills.
But it's even hard for me toremember everything, but I know
I didn't swallow anything, butthe ambulance was still called
(15:00):
and I went to the emergency room.
They checked me out, they gaveme a referral for therapy
services and I remember he cameto the emergency room and the
first thing, one of the firstthings he said to me was don't
tell like this is us, don't tellyour family about this.
And I had never told anyoneabout it.
But that's kind of like whathappened leading up to it, like
(15:20):
he made me feel like I was crazy.
I already was kind of thinkingit and I just kind of lost sense
of reality in that moment.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Where can people get help if they are experiencing
abuse?
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I would say the first thing is to tell someone and it
could just be telling a familymember, a friend, a counselor,
therapist, psychiatrist Lookinto your community and see
what's available.
There are a lot of clinics andthings that focus specifically
on domestic violence, so I willstart there.
I can also share the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline
(15:56):
information as well.
It's 1-800-799-7233.
And that's a 24-7, 365 freeresource that's available to
people who might need it.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
What was your way of escape?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
My way of escape, I always say, is Jesus Christ,
because he just gave me chanceand chance after chance.
I feel like I was ignoringevery red flag.
He sent people to me to tell me, hey, this is not okay.
And I was still like, no, youdon't know what you're talking
about.
But he allowed me to leave thatsituation with my life, with my
children, with my sanity and myright mind.
(16:35):
And I know some people theydied in it or they left, but
they're severely mentally illand they can barely function or
they have PTSD.
And I'm just grateful to Godthat he spared my life.
He was my way of escape andjust my faith and belief that he
would provide for me, he wouldmake a way.
Even though I had left withnothing, he continued to take
(16:56):
care of me and he was my way ofescape because I feel like he
gave me a choice and I justchose him.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
At the end of the day , what was it like, finally, you
know, making up your mind andmaking that decision to leave.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
It was hard, I'm not going to lie.
It was extremely hard.
We became pretty much homeless.
I didn't have a place to live.
I had to move three or fourtimes before I was able to get
my own place, with my kids, mindyou.
Living with different people,with three small kids kids are
loud, kids are running around,people get annoyed really
quickly it was really hard forme.
(17:36):
It was really hard for me.
No-transcript forgiveness ofhim.
(18:03):
We're not together, nor will webe together anymore, but we
still have kids, so he's still apart of my life.
So I'm grateful to God thathe's allowed me to reach a space
of healing to where I couldfully forgive him for what he's
done to me.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
And how did that healing come about?
Was it through the therapy orwas it through something else?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
I think it took time.
I know for four years we werenot in contact.
We had like a order ofprotection, like a restraining
order, so for four years, me orthe kids, we were not in contact
with him.
So it took time.
I think it was a combination ofgoing to therapy and my
relationship with Jesus Christultimately has helped me be able
(18:45):
to reach that place of peaceand that freedom, because
there's freedom and being ableto forgive a person.
So I think it was a combinationof all those.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
What are some of the key takeaways that you would
want my listeners to remember?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
The first thing is that your life matters and that
you should never be ashamed totell your story.
That could be the very thingthat leads someone else to
Christ, that makes someone elsehave hope or be encouraged.
So don't be ashamed to shareyour story.
Shame to share your story.
(19:21):
Another thing would be thatabuse comes in so many different
forms, and it's important tonot ignore those red flags in
relationships.
Additionally, sometimes therapyis necessary, and I think it's
very important for us to getthat professional help that we
need in order to be able tofully heal, because the abuse,
that's not the end of your storyand there is life after abuse.
(19:41):
And then I think the last thingwould be that Jesus loves you,
that he doesn't desire you to beabused, and he just desires us
to surrender to him.
So if you're leading alifestyle that doesn't glorify
him, repent for that, turn fromthat and make a decision.
Make a choice.
Like me, it was life or death.
It was this man, this marriage,this relationship or Christ,
(20:02):
and I had to choose him becausemy way wasn't the right way.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I always ask my guests to give an encouragement
to my listeners as well, as weget ready to close.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I would say that know that you're not alone.
A lot of people areexperiencing the very same
things that you are.
But, like I said, just tellsomeone.
Tell someone, because abusethrives in isolation and
darkness and in silence, butwhen you open your mouth,
there's power in that, so youshouldn't have to endure and go
(20:38):
through this alone.
Tell someone what you're goingthrough and begin to look to God
as your source not this person,but God, amen.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Well, Sandra, thank you so much for coming on the
show today.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Is there a way that people can connect with you if
they want to speak with you, orthey have a way for you to speak
to them as?
Speaker 2 (21:04):
well, yes, I have a podcast.
It's called Her Desired Havenand my website is
herdesiredhavencom.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I will put that in the show notes as well, and
thank you, guys and girls, forcoming on the show and listening
.
I hope you enjoy this messageand hopefully you are not in an
inclusive relationship and ifyou are, that you have the
ability to get out of that.
And please check out my websiteas well, wwwdorseyrossshowcom.
(21:43):
And until next time, god bless,bye-bye.
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