June 27, 2023 • 20 mins
Imagine turning every clash with your partner into a chance for growth, unity, and understanding. In this episode, we guide you through the labyrinth of conflict, showing you HOW to fight and revealing the secret of fighting RIGHT, while managing disagreements with grace, respect, and an open heart. We share the critical importance of understanding why you are fighting and the power of setting aside time for conflict. We even offer some of our own tactics for managing disputes in public and how to ensure both emotions and self-esteem are preserved during these moments.
In this lively exchange, we delve into the essential art of communication and apology, sharing our unique "puzzle-piece method" to ensure both parties feel heard. We also explore the intricacies of apologizing, providing you with the tools to heal wounds and rebuild trust. Moreover, we tackle the concept of 'fighting fair' in relationships, offering practical and emotional steps to navigate conflict effectively.
We believe in the importance of authenticity, reminding you that real relationships involve REAL conflict, and that's okay! Join us on this enlightening journey into the heart of conflict management, where every fight is a step closer to understanding.
CONTACT US:
We'd love to hear from you! Please send us a message here:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/twilio/text_messages/2211451/open_sms
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Eric (00:00):
Have you been at work?
Kate (00:01):
I, yeah, I would love to go.
Send me back.
You stay home.
Eric (00:04):
You stay home with the kid , I'm the one that's putting
food on the table and money inthe bank account.
Kate (00:10):
You always bring this up.
It's ridiculous.
Eric (00:11):
You know what I'm out of here?
You can throw it at my face.
Yeah, I'm out of here, Okayfine.
Bye.
Kate (00:14):
Leave like your father.
Eric (00:16):
Oh.
Kate (00:16):
Oh.
Eric (00:18):
Nice, that was good.
Did you guys believe that I'mstill mad at you?
That sounded real.
I think I actually was takingsome of that to heart.
Kate (00:28):
I know It's getting a little heated.
Eric (00:29):
I'm sweaty.
Yeah, this is the Dream ChasersShow.
Hey everybody, what's going on?
It's Eric and Kate with theDream Chasers, and today we're
going to be talking aboutsomething I feel like most
couples do, and if you don't,you're robots And you have no
emotion or feeling.
Kate (00:49):
It's called fighting with your spouse.
Eric (00:53):
Kate's throwing fake punches over here.
Kate (00:54):
Yeah.
Eric (00:55):
And naturally I'm dodging them because she's super
uncoordinated.
Kate (00:58):
Ah, they look more like cheerleader moves rather than
boxing punches.
Eric (01:02):
So we wanted to talk to you guys about fighting with
your spouse, because it's one ofthem things that I feel like
everybody does And it'ssomething that doesn't get
talked about much, and if you'veever been in an even a healthy
relationship or an unhealthyrelationship, you still are
going to deal with controversyand fights.
Kate (01:21):
It's just going to happen.
I feel like if you don't fight,then that's also unhealthy too,
because then that means oneperson is suppressing the other.
And they're the ones that aredominating everything, and one
person is just so scared orintimidated or that they don't
feel comfortable even voicingtheir own opinion.
Eric (01:37):
Dang, you sound like you're speaking from experience.
Yeah, eric beats me, don't saythat, no, i don't Just at any
game ever.
Yeah, that's what I beat you up.
Kate (01:49):
Yes, that's true.
So, yeah, i think, fightingwith your spouse, there's a time
and a place.
Eric (01:54):
And Or even your significant other.
Oh, so you don't have to bemarried to them.
You're right, you're going tobe fighting either way when you
live with somebody or spend alot of time with them.
Who's that?
We're two separate people withtwo separate thoughts and
emotions, and it's going tohappen.
Kate (02:09):
And the right way of doing things, and then your husband's
wrong way of doing things.
Oh, we're going to go down thatroad, oh yeah, start right now,
ding ding, round two.
Eric (02:20):
So today we're going to dive into some ways to have
effective fights and productivefights.
We're not saying that you'renever going to fight.
Obviously, we've establishedthat's going to happen.
But the goal with this is toend up one feeling hurt And two
not feeling hurt.
Right, how do we get our pointacross to each other without
(02:41):
damaging the other person'sself-esteem, emotions and
creating a really bad dynamicfor your relationship going
forward?
So should we dive in?
Kate (02:52):
Yes, let's dive in Number one.
Be curious about your fights.
Why are we even fighting?
Are we fighting over that thetoaster was set on too high of a
setting and now you've gotburnt toast?
Or was that just the catalystthat tipped off your entire
freaking week?
because the babysitter showedup late, the dog puked on the
(03:12):
carpet and the kid threwsomething out that was Right.
I don't know Like Yeah.
Eric (03:18):
The car broke down, the bank account is low.
There's usually other stressorsthat aren't related to the
thing that you're fighting aboutat the current time, but they
might be boiling up and it'slike building up this energy of
animosity.
Or maybe the husband, right,isn't effectively helping at
(03:38):
home I'm guilty of thatEffectively not helping with the
laundry, the dishes, thecleaning, the kids, all of this
stuff.
And then the spouse or the wife, in this instance, right is
feeling neglected and feelingthese, these like Overwhelmed
and, yeah, under supported.
Kate (03:56):
Yeah, there's.
So I think it's important tofind out what the What, the
cause of the fight is like,where it's all stemming from,
because a lot of times too likeyou just outburst an anger and
you don't even know why.
But a lot of inner reflectiontoo, on both parts We'll help
figure out.
Why are we even fighting.
Eric (04:16):
Right, yeah, all right.
number two this one kind ofsounds funny to me, but schedule
time for the conflict and 730on a Thursday night 730 every
week.
We're just gonna box it out,put on the gloves and boom boom.
Thursdays are exciting in ourYay, kate didn't get that black
(04:37):
eye ran into a doorknob doorknob.
We shouldn't be joking about.
Oh yeah, that's true, but anywaythe obviously that sounds Kind
of unrealistic rates.
Okay, pause, we're gonnaschedule the time for the fight,
but I think what they'regetting at here is if you're out
in public, let's say, you're inline at Walmart getting
(04:58):
groceries and you're just,you've just had it and you guys
are already kind of bickering.
That's not a good time to be,to be throwing your verbal.
We fight through like back andforth and that's a horrible time
to be calling each other out infront of all these people.
We've been a lot of us havebeen there and seen that it's
super awkward and it's verydemeaning and it's not effective
(05:19):
.
Kate (05:19):
I have not affected because so we, we actually had
this.
We walked by somebody at thezoo the other day.
I'm having a fight.
Yes, it was awkward.
Eric (05:28):
I'm trying to look at the zebras and these two are over
here.
Are you with each other about?
I don't even remember.
Like you always and you never,and we're gonna talk about
always and never.
Oh, there's two words.
Kate (05:39):
But yeah, but just knowing like a time for conflict to,
and if it is getting heated likein Walmart, you just say hey,
no, it's not the time and place.
Let's get the kids home or getout of public or save it for the
car, whatever it is.
I also think that it'simportant to not try not to do
it in front of the kids, becausechances are it's not about the
(05:59):
kids.
Why are you bringing the kidsinto it?
Eric (06:02):
Yeah, and then they see that yeah.
And I think One thing I want toreiterate, probably time and
time again in this podcastepisode, is a lot of these
things that we're talking aboutstem from Us actually having
done them and learning from them.
We're not perfect by any means,so I want to get that out on in
the air right away.
I don't want to be sitting heresaying, oh, this is how you
(06:24):
should fight and and we don't doany of those things.
No, we've definitely had herfair share.
Kate (06:28):
I just learned that one from doing it the other day in
front of Annie.
Do you remember when we werefighting and we started raising
her voice and then she startedyelling and throwing things?
Eric (06:36):
and her emotions were like crazy, yes, like I don't want
to.
I guess crazies may be a badword, but her emotions were all
out of control, yeah, and shedoesn't know how to handle them.
You know, kids are still tryingto figure out their emotions.
Hell, most adults Can't evenfigure out their emotions.
So when they are exposed tothese high energy situations and
they're two caregivers,basically the the gods of their
(06:59):
world at that time are having areally bad dispute or getting
Emotionally charged like they, Ifeel like they just can't
handle it.
Kate (07:08):
They're the neurons in their brains go crazy.
Eric (07:11):
Yeah, yeah, just makes me want to cry again thinking about
that, like yeah, yeah soBasically, that point is save it
for a time where you where youguys can you and your
significant other can actuallytalk it through Or yell it
through whatever form you know,but keep it cordial, but keep it
also away from other people.
(07:31):
Keep it in a space where it'slike safe, not around people or
kids number three Call a timeoutif you or your partner needs
one.
Kate (07:39):
I, i feel like this is so.
We've used this time and timeagain and, really honestly, it
pisses me off because I Feellike you call a timeout just
because you want to get away andI'm like, oh no, no, i'm not
done you follow me into the nextroom.
I follow you, which is moredifficult in the RV now, because
you have nowhere to hide.
Eric (07:59):
There's nowhere to go.
Fellas, if you're listening tothis, you don't have a basement
to go to.
You share a car.
Yeah, there's nowhere to go.
No, that is so true, though,about calling the timeout.
It's it's like I heard somebodysay this, but it's like a
boxing match.
It's like if a referee werethere and you have your two
opponents going at it andeventually, there's a time Where
(08:22):
the time ends and it's dang,dang, dang.
Take a break.
Take a break separate, bringyourself back down, because your
emotions are really high and,yeah, and that's usually when
you say things that you don'tmean.
The higher they go.
Kate (08:35):
Yep, like, hey, i wish that you were dead.
Oh yeah, that's a doozy.
Yep, or I hate you, i want adivorce, yeah, all of the like
Things that you never wouldthink of.
speaking to your spouse whenyou, when you know that you love
them and care about them, butwhen you're, when you just see
red because he just won't listenand he's trying to run away
(08:57):
from you, yeah, yeah, those arethings that that you don't want
to say so, and calling a timeoutis a really effective manner of
doing that.
So thanks for always callingtimeouts.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, thank you forwatching.
Eric (09:11):
I hope you enjoyed this video.
I'll see you next time.
Bye, all right.
Number four is to make requestsinstead of complaints.
So this is a big one, and I'vebeen guilty of this in the past
is when you sling the words youalways, you never.
Those are two words you shouldtry to stay away from, because
obviously that's not true.
(09:32):
Always is a very literal termand never is also a literal term
.
So if you say you always dothis and you always do that and
you never help with this and younever, you don't mean it and
it's most likely not true.
And instead of complainingabout the other person, what if
we made a request and said hey,could you please help me with
(09:53):
this?
Could you please help me tounderstand this, because I'm not
seeing it the way you're seeingit Make a request instead of a
direct blow to that other person.
Kate (10:03):
And I feel like we've I don't know who taught us this
trick, but expressing how wefeel, like when you say
something that upsets me,instead of saying, well, you
said this and you did that andyou come from it as a stance of,
so I feel hurt when, or I feeloffended, i'm upset when, like
(10:27):
when you change it to, insteadof the blame game, you do some
more reflection and say, hey,this is how this makes me feel
And you could incorporate thatwith requests.
Eric (10:39):
Yeah, that's a good one, Because you're not like, you're
not targeting the other person.
You're saying these are myfeelings, this is what I'm going
through internally, and youcan't always explain your
feelings.
That's what's pretty wild aboutfeelings We all have them and
oftentimes we can't alwaysexplain our emotions.
But the fact that God gave youthose emotions says something,
(11:04):
because we all have anger.
We all have excitement,happiness, sadness, sorrow.
We share these qualities.
That's something we all have.
And so if you can say that tome, hey, i'm feeling such and
such sad or angry, or I canrelate to that because I have
those same feelings.
Does that make sense?
Kate (11:25):
I think so.
Eric (11:27):
Like if, instead of you throwing insults at me, you were
to say I feel this way.
I can relate to that because Ihave felt that way as well, and
my guard comes down.
Kate (11:36):
Yeah, right, okay, makes sense.
Number five listen and ask yourpartner for clarification.
All right, so we use this funlittle game.
I know a game amidst a fighting.
It's fun, trust me.
Thursday nights they're a riotin the house Sharing the floor.
(11:57):
So who's got the floor?
So last time that we werefighting I had the puzzle out
and we literally I grabbed apuzzle piece and I said,
uh-uh-uh, i've got the floor,let me talk.
So then I would talk becauseI've got the floor, and then I
would hand flung the puzzlepiece.
Eric (12:14):
Yeah no kidding, i had to dodge it.
Kate (12:18):
Well, good thing it wasn't like a ninja star or something,
but it did have sharp edges,Flung the puzzle piece back over
in your direction and nowyou've got the floor, but then
you have to repeat what I justsaid.
Eric (12:29):
Before I start throwing in my.
That's a tough one if we'rejust being honest, because when
we're fighting with each other,really what we're doing is
cutting each other off,inserting our own opinions.
Kate (12:41):
Not listening.
Not listening, not feeling likeyou're being heard.
Eric (12:46):
And when both parties aren't heard, nobody gets
anywhere.
Kate (12:49):
And somehow the voices just keep getting louder and
louder.
Eric (12:52):
Yeah, and I got a loud voice.
Yeah, i do, and we live in asmall community of RV parkers so
I'm sure 30 people hear it.
That's such a good point.
I struggle personally withkeeping my emotions in check.
I'm a high-I.
If any of you have ever heardof a thing called the disc
personality assessment, it's theD-I-S-C And the I in there is
(13:16):
influential.
So it means that you have highenergy, high emotion, high
charisma, whatever.
And that's where I struggle,because my emotions I wear them
on my sleeve big time And sowhen we fight I'm guilty of
interrupting And so personally,officially, i'm sorry about that
, but that's a struggle for me.
(13:38):
So having the floor does help.
Having that piece, whatever itis, could be a remote Just make
sure it's something soft, so youdon't whip it at each other.
Kate (13:46):
Well, yeah, maybe not whip it at each other either, even
if it is as small as a puzzlepiece.
Eric (13:50):
Hand it over gently.
Kate (13:51):
Hand it over gently.
Eric (13:53):
And then what you said, too, is repeat back what they
said before.
Kate (13:56):
you insert your hip And that way the other side feels
heard Right.
And yeah, that's so importantBecause even if you never feel
like you're heard, you never getover that fight.
Eric (14:08):
Yeah, you'll hold that in like an animosity treasure chest
And then you bust that babyopen on the next fight.
Remember when you did this andyou said that, and you have all
this ammo stored up, yep, andyou think so.
Clear the air, clear the ammo,empty that chest before you move
on.
Kate (14:26):
Yes, Number six learn the right way to apologize to your
partner.
Eric (14:32):
What the heck does that mean?
Kate (14:33):
You're right, you're right , i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
Eric (14:36):
Oh, you're right, You're right.
You know what I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for not doing thelaundry and so sorry for not
helping all the kids.
Kate (14:45):
That is the wrong way to apologize.
Eric (14:47):
Great example of what not to do.
Kate (14:49):
Yeah, because I mean, in the end, does anybody ever feel
good about those kinds ofapologies?
Eric (14:54):
No, they're so backended.
Kate (14:56):
Yeah, they really are, and you know that they don't mean
it, and something that you'vebeen improving on lately is even
like.
I want an apology right awaybecause I'm direct and to the
point and I'm the alpha.
Sorry, babe.
Eric (15:10):
But I don't think you're the alpha.
You're definitely a domineeringwoman.
You're a strong, independentwoman who needs no man, and I am
lucky to be in your presencemost days.
Most days, i just scoredbrownie points, boys.
Kate (15:25):
Yeah, you did, but and that's something that you've
been working on a lot lately isapologizing the right way
instead of just doing that.
What we just did, like, oh,you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry, because you used todo that and it would really piss
me off, because I know thatyou're not serious, But you
would wait and wait like a dayor two and you wouldn't talk to
(15:47):
me And that would also piss meoff.
Eric (15:50):
But then Oh, the quiet is so nice.
So I'm glad that you broughtthat up and thanks for injecting
that into the conversation, Andit makes me think of like the
times we have fought and, ofcourse, just like you just said,
there have been times where I'mlike oh, I'm so sorry, whatever
, I'm sorry, And we justbasically say whatever and leave
(16:10):
it at that.
But I found the most effectiveway to apologize is to take time
to actually think about whatyou're apologizing for and let
it like if it needs to consumeyou for a day or two until it
actually hits and you know likeokay, this is what I didn't said
(16:32):
wrong, This is what I've beendoing wrong in our relationship,
This is what I'm actually sorryfor, because I wanna mend this.
I wanna mend this wound that wehave, And so apologizing for
that is so much more effectivethan just throwing a random I'm
sorry.
It's like saying I love you onthe second date.
It's not true.
You don't actually love thatperson.
Kate (16:52):
So what happens if, like, you say that you're sorry but
you're really not sorry, or youfeel like that other person said
it and doesn't mean it, becausethen they just keep doing it.
Like, how do you troubleshootthat kind of relationship?
Eric (17:06):
Is that a real question to ?
Kate (17:07):
me?
I think so.
Eric (17:09):
Well, i think I guess this is how I feel regarding that.
It's gonna take.
It takes time for a human beingto change.
Most humans are set in theirway.
Most people grow up doingsomething a certain way their
whole life And then when theymeet another person and they
start spending more time withthem and then eventually, moving
in, now your flaws come tosurface that you maybe didn't
(17:30):
see when you weren't spendingall your time with that person.
The annoying things that theydo or say start to surface.
So it's gonna take time forthat other person to change And
they might never fully change.
I don't know.
I believe people can change.
But to get back to yourquestion, what if they keep
doing it?
(17:50):
It's gonna take time, just likeanything.
No one's gonna change overnightbecause you want us, because
somebody wants them to.
Kate (17:58):
So having patience And I feel like this whole
conversation has just beenriddled with patience throughout
everything, even just beingcurious about your fights, that
requires patience, like in theheat of the moment, pulling back
and realizing, okay, what is itthat we're really upset about?
that requires patience.
Scheduling a time for conflictpatience.
Calling a time out patience.
Eric (18:21):
And self-control.
Kate (18:22):
And self-control, holy cow , so that you don't do or say
things you don't wanna do.
Eric (18:25):
or say Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's a very good point.
Kate (18:28):
Waiting for someone to change, waiting for someone to
apologize.
Holy cow, i thought I was gonnadie before you apologize for
that last fight there.
You waited like two days Yeah,like an entire day.
Eric (18:40):
I'm a mysterious man Oh my gosh.
Kate (18:43):
Oh, I'm so mysterious.
Oh boy, Look at me.
my name's Eric.
Nobody knows what I'm thinkingor doing.
I don't even know what I'mthinking or doing.
Eric (18:54):
That's another thing that I just thought of this.
Like if you wait too long, youmight forget to apologize.
Yes, So an appropriate amountof time depending on the level
of fight right Is just usediscretion, All right.
So obviously the fight from thevery beginning was fabricated,
or was it?
(19:15):
You'll never know, you'll neverknow, but we wanted to kind of
throw this out there and just beauthentic and real, because the
reality is we people fight,like you do.
When you're living withsomebody in close quarters, like
two different people, it'sbound to happen.
So it's very important tounderstand how to do it and how
(19:35):
to actually come to a properconclusion and a good outcome
where it's a win-win situation,if as best it can be anyway,
yeah.
So hopefully you guys enjoyedthis and got some value out of
it.
I'm gonna wrap it up real quickwith the six steps that we just
talked about.
Number one be curious aboutyour fights.
Why are you actually fighting?
Number two schedule time forthe conflict.
(19:56):
Keep it away from public, keepit away from your kids, if you
can.
Number three call a timeout ifyou actually need one.
Kate (20:04):
Number four make requests instead of complaints.
Number five listen and ask yourpartner for clarification.
That's the little puzzle pieceof having the floor.
And number six learn the rightway to apologize to your partner
.
Eric (20:19):
Thanks everybody for listening.
This is Dream Chasers Eric andKate, and we are outta here, No
we're not, we're over that.
Perfect, I like it.
You guys, I knew it.
Have you been at work?
Kate (00:01):
I, yeah, I would love to go.
Send me back.
You stay home.
Eric (00:04):
You stay home with the kid , I'm the one that's putting
food on the table and money inthe bank account.
Kate (00:10):
You always bring this up.
It's ridiculous.
Eric (00:11):
You know what I'm out of here?
You can throw it at my face.
Yeah, I'm out of here, Okayfine.
Bye.
Kate (00:14):
Leave like your father.
Eric (00:16):
Oh.
Kate (00:16):
Oh.
Eric (00:18):
Nice, that was good.
Did you guys believe that I'mstill mad at you?
That sounded real.
I think I actually was takingsome of that to heart.
Kate (00:28):
I know It's getting a little heated.
Eric (00:29):
I'm sweaty.
Yeah, this is the Dream ChasersShow.
Hey everybody, what's going on?
It's Eric and Kate with theDream Chasers, and today we're
going to be talking aboutsomething I feel like most
couples do, and if you don't,you're robots And you have no
emotion or feeling.
Kate (00:49):
It's called fighting with your spouse.
Eric (00:53):
Kate's throwing fake punches over here.
Kate (00:54):
Yeah.
Eric (00:55):
And naturally I'm dodging them because she's super
uncoordinated.
Kate (00:58):
Ah, they look more like cheerleader moves rather than
boxing punches.
Eric (01:02):
So we wanted to talk to you guys about fighting with
your spouse, because it's one ofthem things that I feel like
everybody does And it'ssomething that doesn't get
talked about much, and if you'veever been in an even a healthy
relationship or an unhealthyrelationship, you still are
going to deal with controversyand fights.
Kate (01:21):
It's just going to happen.
I feel like if you don't fight,then that's also unhealthy too,
because then that means oneperson is suppressing the other.
And they're the ones that aredominating everything, and one
person is just so scared orintimidated or that they don't
feel comfortable even voicingtheir own opinion.
Eric (01:37):
Dang, you sound like you're speaking from experience.
Yeah, eric beats me, don't saythat, no, i don't Just at any
game ever.
Yeah, that's what I beat you up.
Kate (01:49):
Yes, that's true.
So, yeah, i think, fightingwith your spouse, there's a time
and a place.
Eric (01:54):
And Or even your significant other.
Oh, so you don't have to bemarried to them.
You're right, you're going tobe fighting either way when you
live with somebody or spend alot of time with them.
Who's that?
We're two separate people withtwo separate thoughts and
emotions, and it's going tohappen.
Kate (02:09):
And the right way of doing things, and then your husband's
wrong way of doing things.
Oh, we're going to go down thatroad, oh yeah, start right now,
ding ding, round two.
Eric (02:20):
So today we're going to dive into some ways to have
effective fights and productivefights.
We're not saying that you'renever going to fight.
Obviously, we've establishedthat's going to happen.
But the goal with this is toend up one feeling hurt And two
not feeling hurt.
Right, how do we get our pointacross to each other without
(02:41):
damaging the other person'sself-esteem, emotions and
creating a really bad dynamicfor your relationship going
forward?
So should we dive in?
Kate (02:52):
Yes, let's dive in Number one.
Be curious about your fights.
Why are we even fighting?
Are we fighting over that thetoaster was set on too high of a
setting and now you've gotburnt toast?
Or was that just the catalystthat tipped off your entire
freaking week?
because the babysitter showedup late, the dog puked on the
(03:12):
carpet and the kid threwsomething out that was Right.
I don't know Like Yeah.
Eric (03:18):
The car broke down, the bank account is low.
There's usually other stressorsthat aren't related to the
thing that you're fighting aboutat the current time, but they
might be boiling up and it'slike building up this energy of
animosity.
Or maybe the husband, right,isn't effectively helping at
(03:38):
home I'm guilty of thatEffectively not helping with the
laundry, the dishes, thecleaning, the kids, all of this
stuff.
And then the spouse or the wife, in this instance, right is
feeling neglected and feelingthese, these like Overwhelmed
and, yeah, under supported.
Kate (03:56):
Yeah, there's.
So I think it's important tofind out what the What, the
cause of the fight is like,where it's all stemming from,
because a lot of times too likeyou just outburst an anger and
you don't even know why.
But a lot of inner reflectiontoo, on both parts We'll help
figure out.
Why are we even fighting.
Eric (04:16):
Right, yeah, all right.
number two this one kind ofsounds funny to me, but schedule
time for the conflict and 730on a Thursday night 730 every
week.
We're just gonna box it out,put on the gloves and boom boom.
Thursdays are exciting in ourYay, kate didn't get that black
(04:37):
eye ran into a doorknob doorknob.
We shouldn't be joking about.
Oh yeah, that's true, but anywaythe obviously that sounds Kind
of unrealistic rates.
Okay, pause, we're gonnaschedule the time for the fight,
but I think what they'regetting at here is if you're out
in public, let's say, you're inline at Walmart getting
(04:58):
groceries and you're just,you've just had it and you guys
are already kind of bickering.
That's not a good time to be,to be throwing your verbal.
We fight through like back andforth and that's a horrible time
to be calling each other out infront of all these people.
We've been a lot of us havebeen there and seen that it's
super awkward and it's verydemeaning and it's not effective
(05:19):
.
Kate (05:19):
I have not affected because so we, we actually had
this.
We walked by somebody at thezoo the other day.
I'm having a fight.
Yes, it was awkward.
Eric (05:28):
I'm trying to look at the zebras and these two are over
here.
Are you with each other about?
I don't even remember.
Like you always and you never,and we're gonna talk about
always and never.
Oh, there's two words.
Kate (05:39):
But yeah, but just knowing like a time for conflict to,
and if it is getting heated likein Walmart, you just say hey,
no, it's not the time and place.
Let's get the kids home or getout of public or save it for the
car, whatever it is.
I also think that it'simportant to not try not to do
it in front of the kids, becausechances are it's not about the
(05:59):
kids.
Why are you bringing the kidsinto it?
Eric (06:02):
Yeah, and then they see that yeah.
And I think One thing I want toreiterate, probably time and
time again in this podcastepisode, is a lot of these
things that we're talking aboutstem from Us actually having
done them and learning from them.
We're not perfect by any means,so I want to get that out on in
the air right away.
I don't want to be sitting heresaying, oh, this is how you
(06:24):
should fight and and we don't doany of those things.
No, we've definitely had herfair share.
Kate (06:28):
I just learned that one from doing it the other day in
front of Annie.
Do you remember when we werefighting and we started raising
her voice and then she startedyelling and throwing things?
Eric (06:36):
and her emotions were like crazy, yes, like I don't want
to.
I guess crazies may be a badword, but her emotions were all
out of control, yeah, and shedoesn't know how to handle them.
You know, kids are still tryingto figure out their emotions.
Hell, most adults Can't evenfigure out their emotions.
So when they are exposed tothese high energy situations and
they're two caregivers,basically the the gods of their
(06:59):
world at that time are having areally bad dispute or getting
Emotionally charged like they, Ifeel like they just can't
handle it.
Kate (07:08):
They're the neurons in their brains go crazy.
Eric (07:11):
Yeah, yeah, just makes me want to cry again thinking about
that, like yeah, yeah soBasically, that point is save it
for a time where you where youguys can you and your
significant other can actuallytalk it through Or yell it
through whatever form you know,but keep it cordial, but keep it
also away from other people.
(07:31):
Keep it in a space where it'slike safe, not around people or
kids number three Call a timeoutif you or your partner needs
one.
Kate (07:39):
I, i feel like this is so.
We've used this time and timeagain and, really honestly, it
pisses me off because I Feellike you call a timeout just
because you want to get away andI'm like, oh no, no, i'm not
done you follow me into the nextroom.
I follow you, which is moredifficult in the RV now, because
you have nowhere to hide.
Eric (07:59):
There's nowhere to go.
Fellas, if you're listening tothis, you don't have a basement
to go to.
You share a car.
Yeah, there's nowhere to go.
No, that is so true, though,about calling the timeout.
It's it's like I heard somebodysay this, but it's like a
boxing match.
It's like if a referee werethere and you have your two
opponents going at it andeventually, there's a time Where
(08:22):
the time ends and it's dang,dang, dang.
Take a break.
Take a break separate, bringyourself back down, because your
emotions are really high and,yeah, and that's usually when
you say things that you don'tmean.
The higher they go.
Kate (08:35):
Yep, like, hey, i wish that you were dead.
Oh yeah, that's a doozy.
Yep, or I hate you, i want adivorce, yeah, all of the like
Things that you never wouldthink of.
speaking to your spouse whenyou, when you know that you love
them and care about them, butwhen you're, when you just see
red because he just won't listenand he's trying to run away
(08:57):
from you, yeah, yeah, those arethings that that you don't want
to say so, and calling a timeoutis a really effective manner of
doing that.
So thanks for always callingtimeouts.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, thank you forwatching.
Eric (09:11):
I hope you enjoyed this video.
I'll see you next time.
Bye, all right.
Number four is to make requestsinstead of complaints.
So this is a big one, and I'vebeen guilty of this in the past
is when you sling the words youalways, you never.
Those are two words you shouldtry to stay away from, because
obviously that's not true.
(09:32):
Always is a very literal termand never is also a literal term
.
So if you say you always dothis and you always do that and
you never help with this and younever, you don't mean it and
it's most likely not true.
And instead of complainingabout the other person, what if
we made a request and said hey,could you please help me with
(09:53):
this?
Could you please help me tounderstand this, because I'm not
seeing it the way you're seeingit Make a request instead of a
direct blow to that other person.
Kate (10:03):
And I feel like we've I don't know who taught us this
trick, but expressing how wefeel, like when you say
something that upsets me,instead of saying, well, you
said this and you did that andyou come from it as a stance of,
so I feel hurt when, or I feeloffended, i'm upset when, like
(10:27):
when you change it to, insteadof the blame game, you do some
more reflection and say, hey,this is how this makes me feel
And you could incorporate thatwith requests.
Eric (10:39):
Yeah, that's a good one, Because you're not like, you're
not targeting the other person.
You're saying these are myfeelings, this is what I'm going
through internally, and youcan't always explain your
feelings.
That's what's pretty wild aboutfeelings We all have them and
oftentimes we can't alwaysexplain our emotions.
But the fact that God gave youthose emotions says something,
(11:04):
because we all have anger.
We all have excitement,happiness, sadness, sorrow.
We share these qualities.
That's something we all have.
And so if you can say that tome, hey, i'm feeling such and
such sad or angry, or I canrelate to that because I have
those same feelings.
Does that make sense?
Kate (11:25):
I think so.
Eric (11:27):
Like if, instead of you throwing insults at me, you were
to say I feel this way.
I can relate to that because Ihave felt that way as well, and
my guard comes down.
Kate (11:36):
Yeah, right, okay, makes sense.
Number five listen and ask yourpartner for clarification.
All right, so we use this funlittle game.
I know a game amidst a fighting.
It's fun, trust me.
Thursday nights they're a riotin the house Sharing the floor.
(11:57):
So who's got the floor?
So last time that we werefighting I had the puzzle out
and we literally I grabbed apuzzle piece and I said,
uh-uh-uh, i've got the floor,let me talk.
So then I would talk becauseI've got the floor, and then I
would hand flung the puzzlepiece.
Eric (12:14):
Yeah no kidding, i had to dodge it.
Kate (12:18):
Well, good thing it wasn't like a ninja star or something,
but it did have sharp edges,Flung the puzzle piece back over
in your direction and nowyou've got the floor, but then
you have to repeat what I justsaid.
Eric (12:29):
Before I start throwing in my.
That's a tough one if we'rejust being honest, because when
we're fighting with each other,really what we're doing is
cutting each other off,inserting our own opinions.
Kate (12:41):
Not listening.
Not listening, not feeling likeyou're being heard.
Eric (12:46):
And when both parties aren't heard, nobody gets
anywhere.
Kate (12:49):
And somehow the voices just keep getting louder and
louder.
Eric (12:52):
Yeah, and I got a loud voice.
Yeah, i do, and we live in asmall community of RV parkers so
I'm sure 30 people hear it.
That's such a good point.
I struggle personally withkeeping my emotions in check.
I'm a high-I.
If any of you have ever heardof a thing called the disc
personality assessment, it's theD-I-S-C And the I in there is
(13:16):
influential.
So it means that you have highenergy, high emotion, high
charisma, whatever.
And that's where I struggle,because my emotions I wear them
on my sleeve big time And sowhen we fight I'm guilty of
interrupting And so personally,officially, i'm sorry about that
, but that's a struggle for me.
(13:38):
So having the floor does help.
Having that piece, whatever itis, could be a remote Just make
sure it's something soft, so youdon't whip it at each other.
Kate (13:46):
Well, yeah, maybe not whip it at each other either, even
if it is as small as a puzzlepiece.
Eric (13:50):
Hand it over gently.
Kate (13:51):
Hand it over gently.
Eric (13:53):
And then what you said, too, is repeat back what they
said before.
Kate (13:56):
you insert your hip And that way the other side feels
heard Right.
And yeah, that's so importantBecause even if you never feel
like you're heard, you never getover that fight.
Eric (14:08):
Yeah, you'll hold that in like an animosity treasure chest
And then you bust that babyopen on the next fight.
Remember when you did this andyou said that, and you have all
this ammo stored up, yep, andyou think so.
Clear the air, clear the ammo,empty that chest before you move
on.
Kate (14:26):
Yes, Number six learn the right way to apologize to your
partner.
Eric (14:32):
What the heck does that mean?
Kate (14:33):
You're right, you're right , i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
Eric (14:36):
Oh, you're right, You're right.
You know what I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for not doing thelaundry and so sorry for not
helping all the kids.
Kate (14:45):
That is the wrong way to apologize.
Eric (14:47):
Great example of what not to do.
Kate (14:49):
Yeah, because I mean, in the end, does anybody ever feel
good about those kinds ofapologies?
Eric (14:54):
No, they're so backended.
Kate (14:56):
Yeah, they really are, and you know that they don't mean
it, and something that you'vebeen improving on lately is even
like.
I want an apology right awaybecause I'm direct and to the
point and I'm the alpha.
Sorry, babe.
Eric (15:10):
But I don't think you're the alpha.
You're definitely a domineeringwoman.
You're a strong, independentwoman who needs no man, and I am
lucky to be in your presencemost days.
Most days, i just scoredbrownie points, boys.
Kate (15:25):
Yeah, you did, but and that's something that you've
been working on a lot lately isapologizing the right way
instead of just doing that.
What we just did, like, oh,you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry, because you used todo that and it would really piss
me off, because I know thatyou're not serious, But you
would wait and wait like a dayor two and you wouldn't talk to
(15:47):
me And that would also piss meoff.
Eric (15:50):
But then Oh, the quiet is so nice.
So I'm glad that you broughtthat up and thanks for injecting
that into the conversation, Andit makes me think of like the
times we have fought and, ofcourse, just like you just said,
there have been times where I'mlike oh, I'm so sorry, whatever
, I'm sorry, And we justbasically say whatever and leave
(16:10):
it at that.
But I found the most effectiveway to apologize is to take time
to actually think about whatyou're apologizing for and let
it like if it needs to consumeyou for a day or two until it
actually hits and you know likeokay, this is what I didn't said
(16:32):
wrong, This is what I've beendoing wrong in our relationship,
This is what I'm actually sorryfor, because I wanna mend this.
I wanna mend this wound that wehave, And so apologizing for
that is so much more effectivethan just throwing a random I'm
sorry.
It's like saying I love you onthe second date.
It's not true.
You don't actually love thatperson.
Kate (16:52):
So what happens if, like, you say that you're sorry but
you're really not sorry, or youfeel like that other person said
it and doesn't mean it, becausethen they just keep doing it.
Like, how do you troubleshootthat kind of relationship?
Eric (17:06):
Is that a real question to ?
Kate (17:07):
me?
I think so.
Eric (17:09):
Well, i think I guess this is how I feel regarding that.
It's gonna take.
It takes time for a human beingto change.
Most humans are set in theirway.
Most people grow up doingsomething a certain way their
whole life And then when theymeet another person and they
start spending more time withthem and then eventually, moving
in, now your flaws come tosurface that you maybe didn't
(17:30):
see when you weren't spendingall your time with that person.
The annoying things that theydo or say start to surface.
So it's gonna take time forthat other person to change And
they might never fully change.
I don't know.
I believe people can change.
But to get back to yourquestion, what if they keep
doing it?
(17:50):
It's gonna take time, just likeanything.
No one's gonna change overnightbecause you want us, because
somebody wants them to.
Kate (17:58):
So having patience And I feel like this whole
conversation has just beenriddled with patience throughout
everything, even just beingcurious about your fights, that
requires patience, like in theheat of the moment, pulling back
and realizing, okay, what is itthat we're really upset about?
that requires patience.
Scheduling a time for conflictpatience.
Calling a time out patience.
Eric (18:21):
And self-control.
Kate (18:22):
And self-control, holy cow , so that you don't do or say
things you don't wanna do.
Eric (18:25):
or say Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's a very good point.
Kate (18:28):
Waiting for someone to change, waiting for someone to
apologize.
Holy cow, i thought I was gonnadie before you apologize for
that last fight there.
You waited like two days Yeah,like an entire day.
Eric (18:40):
I'm a mysterious man Oh my gosh.
Kate (18:43):
Oh, I'm so mysterious.
Oh boy, Look at me.
my name's Eric.
Nobody knows what I'm thinkingor doing.
I don't even know what I'mthinking or doing.
Eric (18:54):
That's another thing that I just thought of this.
Like if you wait too long, youmight forget to apologize.
Yes, So an appropriate amountof time depending on the level
of fight right Is just usediscretion, All right.
So obviously the fight from thevery beginning was fabricated,
or was it?
(19:15):
You'll never know, you'll neverknow, but we wanted to kind of
throw this out there and just beauthentic and real, because the
reality is we people fight,like you do.
When you're living withsomebody in close quarters, like
two different people, it'sbound to happen.
So it's very important tounderstand how to do it and how
(19:35):
to actually come to a properconclusion and a good outcome
where it's a win-win situation,if as best it can be anyway,
yeah.
So hopefully you guys enjoyedthis and got some value out of
it.
I'm gonna wrap it up real quickwith the six steps that we just
talked about.
Number one be curious aboutyour fights.
Why are you actually fighting?
Number two schedule time forthe conflict.
(19:56):
Keep it away from public, keepit away from your kids, if you
can.
Number three call a timeout ifyou actually need one.
Kate (20:04):
Number four make requests instead of complaints.
Number five listen and ask yourpartner for clarification.
That's the little puzzle pieceof having the floor.
And number six learn the rightway to apologize to your partner
.
Eric (20:19):
Thanks everybody for listening.
This is Dream Chasers Eric andKate, and we are outta here, No
we're not, we're over that.
Perfect, I like it.
You guys, I knew it.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.