Episode 31: The Santa and Krampus Spectacular - Orange Balls

In the heart of winter, a season steeped in tradition, two distinct figures emerge to shape the spirit of Christmas. One is the embodiment of kindness and generosity, a saint whose legacy spans centuries — St. Nicholas. The other, a darker counterpart, lurking in the shadows of folklore with a menacing presence — Krampus. We will explore the fascinating journey of St. Nicholas, from his early life of charity to the evolution into the beloved figure of Santa Claus. And as we unravel the benevolence of St. Nicholas, we will also delve into the eerie folklore surrounding Krampus, highlighting the contrasting elements that coexist in the Christmas narrative, while ending the episode with some fun Krampus creepy pastas from the interweb!

Instagram - @drinkingthroughhistorypodcast

Episode Transcript

Speaker 2 (00:00):
Hey Cooper Ian jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Is that?
Oh, what fun.
I was kind of hoping that youhad like some, some bar or
something that.
I was gonna spend some likedirt, like some sick-ass bar or
like Some really fucked uptwists to jingle bells.
Nope, awesome, nope, awesome,nope.
That comes later.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
That.
That totally makes sense, orearlier, depending on how you
look at it.
You know, december 5th prettytough day.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Yeah, it can be mm-hmm, if you're a victim a
piece of shit child.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Yeah, december 5th is the day of piece of shit.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
children, yes, getting brutally murdered, and
Murdered, stolen, depending onwhat you believe, yeah, well, of
course, how you believe it, Ibelieve it all.
Well, since you believe at all,maybe we should get into this
podcast so welcome to drinkingour way through history, where
we cover the legendary people,places, spectacles and events

(01:01):
that history has to offer, whileenjoying a thick pour of
whiskey.
I am Cooper and I Mm-hmm, andme and wow.
Thank you, you're welcome, Iwas lost.

Speaker 2 (01:13):
I bet you how many people thought that the podcast
was lagging.

Speaker 1 (01:20):
I know, I know I'm a minister society.

Speaker 2 (01:22):
What could I say?

Speaker 1 (01:24):
now, in the heart of winter, a season steeped in
tradition, two distinct figuresemerge to shape the spirit of
Christmas.
One is the embodiment ofkindness and generosity, a saint
whose legacy spans centurySaint Nicholas.
The other a A darkercounterpart, lurking in the

(01:47):
shadows of folklore.
With a menacing presence ComesKrampus Krampus.
We will explore the fascinatingjourney of Saint Nicholas, from
his early life of charity tothe evolution into the beloved
figure of Santa Claus.
Santa, and as we unravel thebenevolence of Saint Nicholas,

(02:07):
we will also delve into theeerie folklore Surrounding
Krampus, highlighting thecontrasting elements that
coexist in the Christmasnarrative.
I am so fucking pumped.
This is actually, it's prettyexciting.
So we're gonna go from theSaint Nick and we're gonna go to
sanny claws and we're gonna goto Krampus.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
Which we haven't decided yet, the correct
pronunciation of Krampus.
Like in America, I feel like wecall them Krampus, but in
Germany they call them what?
Cooper?

Speaker 1 (02:36):
No no, you were saying Krampus.
No, I was saying Krampus.
No, you're saying Krampusearlier.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
No, that is a completely false statement.

Speaker 1 (02:43):
I'm gonna throw the flag.
I'm gonna throw the flag.
You watch a replay.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Okay, watch replay Overstation our decision stands
and I've never called himcrumpets, called him Krampus I
have never called him Krampus.
A day in my life I literallyargued with you in my doorway
earlier about calling himKrampus.
About you calling him Krampus?
I call him Krampus.
What did you call him I?

Speaker 1 (03:03):
I said.
I said, krampus, no, you did it.
You gaslighting, piece of shit.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 1 (03:12):
Are you so excited to hang around with your families
out there?

Speaker 2 (03:16):
I was so excited for this episode, until just now,
cuz Ian's just full of shit.

Speaker 1 (03:21):
God, I'm fucking hatey.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
You're not getting anything for.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
Christmas.
That's a lie.
I Actually you know what fromyou.
I have no idea, honestly.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
Now, I guess you'll never know.

Speaker 1 (03:36):
It would be nice if somebody told the audience to
rate the podcast and maybe plugit.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
Oh god, guys, we have to save Cooper.
We have to save Cooper.
He's choking.
The only way, the only way thatyou could save him, is by
hitting that like button,hitting that five star review
button, leaving us a nice reviewunderneath.
Go ahead and comment onCooper's shitty mic voice If you
will in the review, but makesure it's five stars, of course.
Yeah, please but go ahead andtell us just how shitty Cooper's

(04:03):
mic voice is and how muchbetter it would be, how much
better of a Christmas you wouldhave if he would pronounce
Krampus the way he said he wasgonna Krampus.
There we go.
Yeah what's the Germanic wordfor Krampus?
What is, what is his name inGerman?

Speaker 1 (04:19):
Oh, it's, Krampus yeah but Krampus.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
What isn't it like, krampus?

Speaker 1 (04:22):
schnocked is the.
Krampus schnocked is.
The is December 5th, the nightor the day before Saint the,
saint Nicholas's the feast theday, what is it?
The feast day of Saint Nicholas.
There we go okay, Okay.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
So I mean a little bit.

Speaker 1 (04:38):
I was word word bumble in there.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah, no, I put you on the spot.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
You did good, though.
You did good, yes, yeah.
So Krampus schnocked is the daybefore and it's basically like
it's like a Christmas Halloween.

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Or a Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
No, chris Bissoli, because everybody will talk
Cross Maline, we'll get there.
We'll get there.
Ian, we'll get there.

Speaker 2 (04:57):
Well, speaking of getting there, where do all
things begin, Cooper?

Speaker 1 (05:00):
Usually birth.

Speaker 2 (05:03):
The beginning, okay, the early life of Saint Nicholas
, the real Santa Claus.
Now, as Americans, we know thejolly old man with his white
shiny beard, rosy red cheeks andlarge red suit as Santa Claus
who brings gifts to all the goodlittle boys and girls.
Well, underneath that redfluffy suit is the story of a

(05:24):
Christian monk who lived in thethird century AD that is known
by the name of Saint Nicholas,saint Nicholas.
Saint Nicholas born in thethird century in Potara.

Speaker 1 (05:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
Nice, a coastal town in what is now Turkey, emerged
from humble beginnings to becomea revered figure in Christian
tradition.
Raised in a devout Christianfamily, his life took a turn
when he inherited significantwealth following the untimely
death of his parents due to apandemic when Nicholas was still

(05:58):
fairly young.
Rather than succumb to thetemptations of wealth and luxury
, nicholas dedicated himself toa life of service and charity,
obeying the word of Jesus tosell what you own and give the
money to the poor.
Nicholas used his entireinheritance to assist the needy,

(06:18):
the sick and the suffering.

Speaker 1 (06:22):
He's like a really good guy.
Yeah, he's like really good guy, yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
He's like, he's like, he's a good guy.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
He's like a friend.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
You know there's that figure of speed.
You know you're a real SaintNick.
Is that a figure?

Speaker 1 (06:33):
of speech I just made it up just now.
Is that the figure of?

Speaker 2 (06:35):
speech.
It should be, it should be andI'm sure somewhere someone said
it can't be the first.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
You're impressing me right now.
Thank you With your ad libskills.

Speaker 2 (06:46):
I'm pretty.

Speaker 1 (06:47):
I'm going to go on top of the world.
Par, nope On par.
I wanted to say on top of theworld.
So that's what I said, becauseI'm good at ad libs and you know
what else is on top of theworld, the North Pole oh man, I
was going to say a little Wayne,because he's about to pick the
world up and drop it on hisfucking head.
The world up and over droppingwhen you're floating.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Hey, all right Anyway .

Speaker 1 (07:08):
Now, one of the most enduring stories from his early
life is the tale of threesisters.
A man who is extremely poor andunable to marry off his
daughters due to theimpoverished circumstances was
on the brink of selling theminto slavery.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
Well, I'm broke, so I guess you guys got to go into
indentured servitude for therest of your life.
I'm sorry, but I got to pay thebills, you know.

Speaker 1 (07:30):
There's variations of this story across the board.
This is just kind of like heprobably had to sell them off or
something like that.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
Like when, at the time, you have like many
opportunities.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
It was like you get to be sold off into the sex
trade or you get to be a slave.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
He was in a pretty bad place, yeah it wasn't great.

Speaker 1 (07:46):
It wasn't great position.
Like I said, or like we havesaid many times, best time to be
alive is right now.
Yeah, now.
Faced with this financialhardship, the father, obligated
by the customs of the time,needed to provide a substantial
dowry to secure a suitablemarriage for his daughters.
A dowry of significant valueincreased the likelihood of

(08:08):
finding respectable husbands forthe young women, while the
absence of one made marriagevery improbable.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yeah well, what can I say, man?
If she don't got a house, twohorses, a barn, $17,000 in
jewelry, I don't even want tomarry her.

Speaker 1 (08:23):
Well, a lot of times dads would give away cattle.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, cattle, goats, stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
There's a story about like a pig being sold off
somewhere Like I can't remember.
It's childhood story, thoughInteresting yeah where the pig
was being exchanged for thedaughter.
I can't remember what it is.

Speaker 2 (08:38):
I remember it from Aragon.
I remember it from Aragonbecause Sloan retracted
Katrina's dowry from Roarin whenthey decided to become
betrothed.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
Holy shit, that's such a.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
oh my God, my brain just like Back in the day, right
, god damn, it's a good one.
Those of you who know know,though, highly recommend the
Aragon series great book.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
Very good series.
Now, having recently fallen tohard times, the father found
himself unable to afford thenecessary dowries, leaving him
with the agonizing choice ofselling his daughters into
slavery or possibly even the sextrade.
Now, remarkably, on threeseparate occasions, when each
sister was of age, a mysteriousbag of gold materialized in

(09:20):
their home.
Must have been a heavy bagEnabling the distressed father
to offer them as dowries for histhree daughters.
The bags of gold werereportedly thrown through a
window and landed in thestockings or shoes that were
left by the fire to dry, andthis occurrence started the
tradition of children hangingstockings or placing shoes in

(09:42):
anticipation of receiving giftsfrom St Nicholas.
In some versions of the story,three gold balls are mentioned
instead of bags, which are nowsymbolized with oranges in
contemporary depictions of StNicholas.

Speaker 2 (09:56):
Dude, I can't tell you how many times I have told
people that mom gives us orangesin our stockings and they've
been like what the fuck?
Why this is why this is why Wowthe three gold balls Huh.

Speaker 1 (10:08):
Cool, nothing more important than three gold balls,
yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
Now, this act of kindness would be the first of
many establishing St Nicholas asa symbol of compassion and
generosity.

Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yeah, so St Nicholas continued his journey of
kindness as he rose toprominence within the Christian
community, eventually becomingthe Bishop of Mira.
In this clerical role, stNicholas not only defended the
Christian faith, but alsoextended his compassionate acts
to those in need.
Must not have known very muchabout the Crusades, but you know

(10:43):
it is what it is.
I don't.
What's the timeline on that?

Speaker 1 (10:47):
He's, this is man.
Oh God, this third century AD.
So.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
That's pre-Crusades, isn't it I?

Speaker 1 (10:54):
think so, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because he's
actually the Christians getexiled at some point and he gets
exiled and ready guys?

Speaker 2 (11:02):
Okay, okay, so it's a okay, okay, so it's
pre-Crusades.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
I don't.
I didn't look up this timeline,so I have no idea that we were
just spitting out of our ass.

Speaker 2 (11:10):
You're just spitting out of your ass, sir.
It is a talent that I did witha talent show with so I forgot
you did that.
Yeah, that's actually a realMom's got it on camera somewhere
.
Yeah, that's actually a reallife fact.
Wow.
So, as Bishop, why did I wantto know?
That's not true?

Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, that's what.
We can't sell it so honestly,no, that's, that's.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
No, that really happened.
No, mom has it on film.
I've seen it twice.
I don't know why you're tryingto say it didn't happen, kind of
like how earlier I said crampusright.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
I'm sorry.
Who are you Newfound?
Who this?

Speaker 2 (11:50):
Oh, brotherly love.
Now, as Bishop, st Nicholasbecame a symbol of hope for the
people of Mira.
His reputation for generosityand kindness was supplemented by
his dedication to thewell-being of people in need.
He used his position toadvocate for justice and
champion the cause of the lessfortunate, earning him
admiration beyond the boundariesof his parish.

(12:12):
A particularly famous storyfrom St Nicholas's time as a
bishop involves his interventionon behalf of three innocent men
who face an execution.
St Nicholas approached theexecutioner and, through his
sincere prayers, miraculouslyprevented the executioner
sparing the lives of theinnocent men.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Please, dear Lord, give this man the finest pussy
in the world, my axe, it's notmoving.
My axe.
Allow him to be flooded withall of the pussy during
Christmas.
My cock is harder than my axeyes, this is what I'm seeking
for.
My cock yes, all of the pussy.

Speaker 2 (12:50):
I must go to the whole house.
Men you are free, and that'spretty much exactly how I went
down.
That's an actual recording thatwe just played From the time
they had a portable recorderthere first of its age.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
There are numerous accounts that talk about
Nicholas's time with the sea andhow he helped these seamen.
Now, in his youth, he embarkedon a pilgrimage to the Holy Land
, seeking spiritualenlightenment by retracing
Jesus' footsteps.
On the return journey by sea, afierce storm posed a serious
threat to the ship.

(13:25):
An unfazed Nicholas calmlyprayed please, dear Lord, give
us all the pussy when we land.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
All of a sudden, mermaids just came on the side
of the ship and just unleashedtheir murr-pussies.
The storm parted away.
Yeah, yeah, just like theirmurr-pussies, it was great.

Speaker 1 (13:41):
Now, to the astonishment of the terrified
sailors, the tumultuous weathersuddenly subsided, sparing
everyone on board.
Hence St Nicholas becamerevered as the patron of sailors
and voyagers.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
This guy was so lucky .
If you look at it, these arejust like coincidences.
Oh, super big ones.
This man is the luckiest dudeon the planet.
Not that he's not a good guy oranything, but that is fucking
hilarious.
Oh man, yeah, it's.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
He's just like he sees a little part in the clouds
that no one's seen yet.
He's like, oh, this shit'sabout to fuck it.

Speaker 2 (14:18):
It is about to go down.

Speaker 1 (14:20):
He's like dear Lord, pot the tides, let the calm
waters come.
And then all of a sudden, fiveminutes go by and him just
screaming that shit.
And it's just calm waters andeveryone's like holy shit, this
guy's fucking real.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
You just look down the way, you see a guy with a
really long beard parting thered sea and it's actually just
Noah.
It's actually just becauseNoah's part of the sea.

Speaker 1 (14:39):
Noah shows up, Give Santa a big ass wink like I got
you dog, I got you.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
We're both doing the same shit, my boy Doing the
Lord's work.

Speaker 1 (14:48):
am I right?
Praise the Lord, my dog.
Air high five, air high five,shit.

Speaker 2 (14:52):
I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I
can't do it.
I can't do it, I can't do it, Ican't do it, I can't do it, I
can't do it, I can't do it, Ican't do it, I can't do it, I
can't do it, I can't do it, Ican't do it, I can't do it, I
can't do it.
You see, here we just had thathappen there.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
That's good.
That's good Now.
While St Nicholas's deeds werenumerous and varied, they all
shared a common thread Aselfless dedication to helping
those in need.
His life as a bishop was markedby a commitment to the
principles of justice,compassion and charity, laying
the foundation for the enduringlegacy that would eventually

(15:23):
evolve into the modern figure ofSanta Claus.
Nicholas dedicated his life toGod and was made Bishop of Myra,
but under the rule of RomanEmperor Diocletian, who
ruthlessly persecuted Christians, nicholas was exiled and
imprisoned.
He was released in 325 AD anddied almost 20 years later, in

(15:48):
343 AD.
Now, both Catholic and EasternOrthodox Churches have
celebrated December 6th as thedate of his passing for more
than a thousand years now, eventhough the actual date of his
death is unknown.
December 6th became St NicholasFeast Day, which became a

(16:13):
significant celebration invarious European countries.
So on this day, communitieswould come together to honor
their generous saint and acts ofkindness.
Feasts and the exchange ofsmall gifts were common
traditions associated with StNicholas Feast Day.
These customs laid thefoundation for the spirit of
giving that would later besynonymous with Santa Claus.

(16:34):
Now, st Nick performed numeroussecret and selfless deeds, done
without any expectation ofgetting something in return.
Within a century of his passing, nicholas attained the status
of a saint celebrated for hisrole as a friend and protector

(16:54):
of all in trouble or in need.
What a good guy.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
What a good Christian .
Those are rare.
We don't usually talk about thegood Christians.
We tend to talk about the onesthat killed millions of people.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, I know I was just saying I'm like there's so
many more good Christians thanthere are bad, but the bad ones
are like really bad.
They're just so bad.

Speaker 2 (17:16):
For every one bad Christian there's a thousand
good Christians.
But the one bad Christian killsover a thousand people.
So it, just it, just it, justyou know, doesn't really equal
out, you know it is what it isreligion.
Yeah yeah, it's not justChristians, it's a lot Everybody
but Buddhists.
Really, what are they doing?

Speaker 1 (17:38):
Just chilling bro.
They're like the cats ofreligion man.
They're just observing.

Speaker 2 (17:42):
Just chilling watching?
No, because cats hunt.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Cats do hunt.
Buddhists don't hunt at all, sothat's a bad comparison.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
They're like the.
They're like the hounds.
Like the, like the hounds, yeah, like the, not the hounds, but
like the really lazy, like bigdogs that just kind of lay there
all day and like meditatealmost they're talking about
that big one with the droopyface.
Yeah, even though they can bereal mean Bloodhound.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Ah, bloodhound.

Speaker 2 (18:06):
Yeah.
I do feel like they have to bemean, because they can be mean.

Speaker 1 (18:10):
Of their name, bloodhound.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
No, no, no, they're just good at smelling blood.
They don't draw it, cooper, I Ijust don't.

Speaker 1 (18:17):
I don't think that's how, like dog breed names work,
though.
No no, no no, no.

Speaker 2 (18:22):
I know nothing about dogs, so One of the oldest
stories showing St Nicholas as aprotector of children takes
place long after his death.
The town's people of Mira werecelebrating the saint on the eve
of his feast day, December 5th,when a band of Arab pirates
from Crete came into the Miradistrict.
They raided the church of StNicholas, grabbing all the

(18:44):
treasures they could lay theirhands on On their way out of
town.
They also snatched a young boynamed Basilios to sell him to
their king as a slave.
Make him that money.
Yeah, I gotta make that bag.

Speaker 1 (18:57):
Look at that boy.
Look at that boy.
I'm saying I'll make that bag.
He could, he could, he couldbring wine to the king.
Yeah, you could.
Yeah, we could make some goodmoney here, boys, he doesn't
even speak the king's language.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
You know that's safety.
So the king selected Basiliosto be his personal cup bearer
because, of course, he did notknow their language, which kept
the king safe, since Basilioswould not understand what the
king said to those around him.
For an entire year, Basiliosfound himself serving the king
filling his golden cup with wine.
Meanwhile, back in Mira,Basilios' parents were living

(19:27):
through a nightmare their onlychild was gone, and the days
passed by slow and heavy withgrief.
As the next St Nicholas feastday approached, Basilios' mom
couldn't bear to join thecelebrations, For her feast day
was clouded in grief, but aftersome time she agreed to have a
quiet observance at home, whereshe prayed for Basilios' safe

(19:50):
return Back at the king's palace.
Basilios is suddenly whiskedaway.
St Nicholas himself appeared tothe startled young boy, giving
him a blessing, and just likethat, Basilios found himself
back in Mira holding the king'sgolden cup.

Speaker 1 (20:11):
Yeah, yeah, there's another story where three
students were on their way back,like they were on their way to
study in Athens, right, and theywere robbed and then they were
murdered, and then they werestored in large Pickling tubs by
an innkeeper who was gonnaserve them up as pork to like
unsuspecting guests nice, nice.
There's a couple variations ofthis.

(20:31):
We're like the butcher actuallykilled them or the innkeeper
killed them like depends onwhere you're at in Europe but
they were gonna be served up asmeat for sandwiches and shit.
Nicholas stopped at the inn anddreamt of the crime.
He woke up, he prayed to Godand the three boys brought back
to life.

Speaker 2 (20:48):
Nice, yeah, I mean easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
It's just that simple, yeah allyou gotta do that easy, guys if
you ever lose a loved one, allyou have to do is just pray to
God and they'll come right back.
It's, it's tried and true.
St Nick did it.
What?
That's just.
What's so funny.
What's so funny, is that nottrue?
No, st Nick did it.
It's in the script.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
It's in the script, so it's gotta be fact.
The script is law Down.
Yeah, must be real.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
I shot on the internet, so where I get my news
.

Speaker 1 (21:16):
Now, on December 6th, has commonly except a death day
.
It was traditionally considereda lucky day to make large
purchases or to get married, andby the Renaissance, st Nicholas
was the most popular saint inEurope.
His popularity survived theProtestant Reformation, when the
worship of saints began to bediscouraged, and his positive

(21:37):
reputation has grown ever since.
Yes yes, yes.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
So let's yeah let's go ahead and move on to Santa.

Speaker 1 (21:45):
Claus get into sanny claws.

Speaker 2 (21:47):
Yeah this whole Tom Fulery start and why we decide
to move it 20 days in the future.
You know, christians, that ICuz Jesus because Jesus, yes,
obviously, yeah, yeah, I thinkhonestly.
You know the real story of whyJesus was born out of.
You know she was a virgin.
Well, st Nick showed up.
He fucked the Virgin Marybecause, because he was a saint,

(22:10):
it didn't count right.
So he delivered Jesus to us oh.
And that's why he delivers usgifts, yeah yeah, it all started
with a, with a baby Jesus outof the Virgin Mary.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 (22:27):
maybe the three orange balls.
Maybe he just had three ballsand those were the three wise
men.

Speaker 2 (22:32):
Oh, it all comes.
It all comes first, full circle.
Everything but Mary, becauseshe was a virgin she doesn't
come at all.

Speaker 1 (22:41):
She doesn't come at all, not once not once.

Speaker 2 (22:45):
That was jam-packed with puns.

Speaker 1 (22:48):
I'm so happy that you let me run with that.
That's great, that's fun.
Thanks, eggs.

Speaker 2 (22:54):
Anyway, moving on to Santa Claus, so the Dutch
influence on the evolution of StNicholas into the cherished
figure of Santa Claus is afascinating journey embedded in
cultural exchange and creativeadaptation.
Dutch immigrants arriving inAmerica brought the Sinterklaas
tradition with them, which was acharacter inspired by St

(23:14):
Nicholas but embellished withdistinctive Dutch nuances.
So pictures Sinterklaas, a tall, slender figure, don't in a red
bishops road, boasting aflowing beard.
This Dutch persona seamlesslyblended with local customs and
it laid the groundwork for thetransformation of the

(23:34):
Americanized Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 (23:38):
Basically just a big Macy's ad.

Speaker 2 (23:40):
Yeah, but it's like he's skinny he is, yeah, he's
like ripped, not fat.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
Yet you know what, though?
We've been seeing a lot ofskinny Santa Claus statues
around.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
We have I don't know what it is- about this year in
Atlanta, but there's no fatSanta's.
It's so weird.
We went to the mall the otherday, santa Claus, skinny.
We were walking down the streetthe other day.
We see a little freaking statueof Santa Claus outside, skinny,
it's so weird.

Speaker 1 (24:03):
They're everywhere.
My brain back chubby Santa.
Yeah, what happened to fatSanta?
Yeah, he's eating cookies.
Since when do you fat shameSanta Claus?
Yeah, I'm like.
First of all, this ismisinformation, because all's
what he eats milk and cookies.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
Yeah, what happens when Santa comes upon your roof,
looks down and sees a?
She's a statue of him.
Yeah, and it's 70 poundslighter than he is, not 70.
Sorry, 200 pounds lighter.
Yeah, then he is.
You think he's gonna be alittle pissed.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah, who's that?
Oh, they think I'm skinny.
What is this?
I worked up all this fat sothat I can stay warm while I
slay around.
It's blubber guys.

Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yeah, it's, it's survival.
Okay, you're making fun of aman for surviving.
He lives in the north pole.
I know who's getting cold thisChristmas.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
All the people who think Santa's skinny yeah.
Yeah, does that mean that theDutch are also gonna be, since
they did this.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
Well, no, no, he might have been skinny back then
yeah, I guess he's had sometime.
Yeah, yeah, I could have put onthe weight, yeah that's okay.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah, we'll go with that.

Speaker 2 (24:58):
All right, but it's definitely like.

Speaker 1 (24:59):
It takes more than a year to lose that weight, ladies
.

Speaker 2 (25:01):
It does so like be nice.

Speaker 1 (25:03):
Jesus Christ, baby Jesus.

Speaker 2 (25:05):
Christ, so the late 18th what?

Speaker 1 (25:09):
do you have something to say?
I was gonna go full Ricky Bobbythere.

Speaker 2 (25:14):
All right, classic.
I feel so bad for the peoplewho listen to our podcast.
For the history, we still loveyou.
So the late 18th centurywitnessed st Nicholas making his
mark on American popularculture, meaning that he was
commercialized.
In December of 1773 and 1774, aNew York newspaper reported

(25:38):
Dutch families gathering tohonor st Nicholas's death fast
forward to 1804 and John Pintard, a member of the New York
Historical Society, distributedwoodcuts of st Nicholas
incorporating now familiar santaimagery, such as the stockings
over the fireplace, christmastrees, etc.
Washington Irving Pintard'sbrother-in-law, further fueled

(26:01):
the center class stories in hisbook the history of new york.
Yeah, referring to st Nicholasis the patron saint of new york
city in 1809.
I just love that.
It's Further fueled the centerclass stories in the history of
new york.
Yeah, sorry, I got to say itlike a Yankee.
The history of new york, that'show it was sold.

(26:25):
I, santa Claus.

Speaker 1 (26:29):
Santa Claus is here.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Santa Claus is now Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, ladies andgentlemen.

Speaker 1 (26:35):
Um the 1820s.
It marked the beginning ofChristmas shopping
advertisements, of course, andby the 1840s, newspapers had
dedicated sections for holidayads featuring the emerging image
of Santa Claus.
And it was only a matter oftime before stores capitalized
on the chance to track familieswith the allure of meeting a
live Santa Claus wait.

Speaker 2 (26:57):
What do you mean the allure?
What do you mean like gettingfamily to bring their kids.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
He's not, because the point of it is he's not real.

Speaker 2 (27:05):
Oh my god, that's not really santa In the mall, it's
not.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
Ian Jesus christ.

Speaker 2 (27:10):
You better, be like you better like elf.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
When he goes in he's like you sit on the front of
lies.

Speaker 2 (27:14):
You better hope that there's no parents listening
with their children in the car.
I think that ship has sailed,though We've said fuck at least
30 times, I would assume.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
So we talked about fucking the virgin virgin Mary.
And yeah, well, I mean, santais real, you know.
So now, in 1822, clement ClarkMoore crafted the iconic poem
twas, the night before Christmas, popularizing the image of
santa flying in a sleigh led byeight reindeer.
Dasher, dancer, prancer, fixin,comet, cupid, donner and
blitzen.

Speaker 2 (27:42):
Let's put that to a hip hop beat.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
Poo Dancer.
What is this?
An entire verse is the name?
Yeah, it's just the name.
It's all I got, bro.
It's all I got.

Speaker 2 (28:01):
You're welcome, all right whatever, I just said it
like you did it the first timeand it was fire.

Speaker 1 (28:06):
I did fine trash.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
Get off the stage.
Hey, now this immediatelyelevated santa claws to the
american icon status.
In 1881, political cartoonistthomas nast Illustrated moors
poem creating the modern imageof santa as a cheerful, plump
man In a bright red suit,surrounded by elves and mrs

(28:29):
Claus in his north pole workshop.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
Very nice, very nice.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
Do you remember the north pole in color?

Speaker 2 (28:34):
Yeah, color spring yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:36):
I just got an advertisement for that.
Like they're, they'readvertising now.
Yeah, probably a good thing.

Speaker 2 (28:41):
I.
There was a few years wherethey were kind of going downhill
, I think yeah, that's true, butit looks like it's popping off
dog.
Hey, that's what's up.
Man, yeah, hey, you know.
Speaking of thomas nast, Iwonder if he ever made any nasty
illustrations, because he's apolitical cartoonist, you know,
thomas nast.

Speaker 1 (28:57):
I give you that's good.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, yeah, yeah probably make quite a few.
So the early 19.
Sorry, that joke was just sosick, I got it.
You could put it there.
The early 1890s saw thesalvation army adopting santa

(29:19):
claus suits to fundraise forchristmas meals, a tradition
continuing with salvation armysanta's ringing bells on
american street corners and infront of every walmart ever In
the us.
In the us, santa, nowaccompanied by nine reindeer
Including the famous rudolf, isdepicted flying from house to
house on christmas eve.

(29:40):
Santa's visits involves Sorry,santa's visit involves entering
through the chibney, fillingstockings with toys and candy
canes, reading letters fromchildren and enjoying milk and
cookies left out for them.
Santa's naughty and nice listremains a central part of this
festive narrative.

Speaker 1 (30:02):
Where's the fucking oranges, santa?
Where's god damn oranges.
Well, well, uh, yeah, yeah.
And where's the walnuts?

Speaker 2 (30:12):
Also still to this day.
I'm the only person I've evermet that gets walnuts in their
stocking too.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
Really, I've met a few people that get walnuts.

Speaker 2 (30:19):
Have you Well don't just say no before you say that.
That makes me feel like I'mcrazy you are crazy.
I have not met a single humanthat I've had a conversation
with about stockings.
So out of the seven people thatI've met that I've had this
conversation, none of them knewwhat the fuck I was talking
about.
Huh, which is weird, becausethe nutcracker is like a big.
It's like a big Christmas thing, it's a big thing.

(30:40):
Rudolph, born over a centuryafter the original eight
reindeer.
Those are some oldmotherfuckers.
He became a Christmas sensationthanks to Robert L May's story
in 1939.
Rudolph's bright red nose savedChristmas during a foggy
Christmas Eve and the storybecame an instant hit.

(31:02):
Leave it to Americans to makemillions off of other cultural
myths and legends.

Speaker 1 (31:08):
It's our large sex port entertainment.
Yeah, it's what we do the best.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
That is what we do the best.
We distract everyone.

Speaker 1 (31:14):
I wasn't, you know, I wasn't, oh, oh, that clicked a
second after I started talking.

Speaker 2 (31:20):
That's true Now.
Ward actually sold millions ofcopies of the story.
And then Johnny Marx's 1949song based on Rudolph's history,
recorded by Gene Autry, becamea best seller.
Rudolph the red nose reindeerhad a very shiny car nose.

(31:41):
He had a car nose.
That's crazy, yes, crazy thing.
We probably had a red rockettoo, you know.
So the as all animals do.
The iconic Christmas televisionmovie Rudolph the red nose
reindeer, narrated by Burl Ivesin 1964, continues to hold a
special place in the hearts ofpeople, solidifying Rudolph

(32:03):
status as a Christmas icon tothis day.

Speaker 1 (32:07):
Poor one out for Rudolph.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rudolph,Honestly, that movie.
Rudolph the red nose reindeer,it's the claymation one.
It's a banger, bro.
It's so good.

Speaker 2 (32:16):
It's a banger.
It's a banger With Cornelius,bro.
Cornelius is the best part.

Speaker 1 (32:21):
Cornelius, and then he becomes friends with the
imbalminal snowman.
He's the dentist.
He's like scare the dentist,and then the elf becomes the
dentist and he has like the chip.
So many side stories, oh man, Ilove that line.

Speaker 2 (32:32):
Yeah, it's a great, great story.
The abominable snowman to thisday still kind of scares me.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
Oh, it's the scariest thing ever.

Speaker 2 (32:39):
Because I think it just ties back to that childhood
trauma of like seeing him forthe first time and being like
holy shit, that's fuckingterrifying.
Yeah, dude, he's fucking scaryand it turned out he had a bad
tooth.
He did, and that's all that hadto happen.
Was the dentist just?

Speaker 1 (32:50):
had to fix his tooth, yeah.
And then he got a little bit ofa rebellion happy, and then he
put the star on top of theChristmas tree.

Speaker 2 (32:55):
Wow, yeah, I hope other people understand, because
that's a good movie.

Speaker 1 (33:00):
That's a good movie.
That's a good nostalgia trip.

Speaker 2 (33:02):
That's deserving, you know.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
Yeah, the island of misfit toys and everything, oh
man, classic.
So, and now?
What do you talk about, like?
What's Santee Claus is allabout around the world?

Speaker 2 (33:16):
Yes, yes, because it's not just about America.

Speaker 1 (33:18):
Yeah, and I was like, as I was reading through
historycom of the article withSantee Claus, and they started
talking about the like whatother people?
And I'm like, oh yeah, I forgotabout like all of these
different like narrations of him.

Speaker 2 (33:34):
So in the 18th century America.

Speaker 1 (33:36):
Santa Claus was not the only St Nicholas inspired
gift bringer.
During Christmas, across theglobe, various figures and
traditions emerge.
So Christ kind or Chris ChrisKingel Kringle, oh my God, chris
Kringle, there we go.
So Christ kind or Chris Kringle, known as the Christ child,

(33:56):
which is kind of odd, wasbelieved to bring presents to
well behaved Swiss and Germanchildren, often accompanied by
St Nicholas on his festivemissions.
In Scandinavia, the cheerfulelf Jol Tomton, I believe, is
how it's pronounced was thoughtto distribute gifts in a sleigh
that was drawn by.
That was drawn by goats thistime.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
So he was the God of all traits.
Yeah, yeah Goats.
He was the goat.
Just a bunch of M&Ms, just abunch of M&Ms, that's it.
Just evidence, just evidence.
Just draw in the sleigh, everysingle one of them, just like

(34:41):
that's what actually powers them.
It's just the energy made by hisjawline.
That's great.
Now, according to Englishlegend, Father Christmas would
visit each home on Christmas Eveto fill children's stockings
with delightful holiday treats.
In France, Peret Noël took onthe responsibility of filling

(35:03):
the shoes of French children.
Russian folklore tells of anelderly woman named Babushka who
, feeling remorseful for givingthe wise men wrong directions to
Bethlehem, now visits Russianchildren on January 5th, leaving
gifts at their bedside in thehopes that one of them is the
baby Jesus and she might beforgiven.
It's kind of a okay, yeah,she's putting her work in.

(35:27):
Yeah, you know what I think?
By now you're forgiven lady.

Speaker 1 (35:32):
But she can only be forgiven by Jesus because she
tried to mislead the wise men sothat they couldn't be there for
the birth of Jesus.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
Not to worry, lady, she's not going to be coming
back any time now.
Now in Italy, a parallelnarrative involves Le Befana, a
kindly witch who rides abroomstick down chimneys to
deliver toys into the stockingsof fortunate children.

Speaker 1 (35:56):
God, could you imagine that, Just taking a
broomstick and going whew?
There's nothing quiet about LeBefana no.

Speaker 2 (36:06):
She stomps in that bit.
Well, she rides in that bitch.
So meanwhile, in Spain, thegift-giving duty falls on the
three kings themselves, whodeliver presents on Epiphany,
January 6th.
Now, Ian, this is-.
This gets to the fun shit.
I'm so fucking excited.

Speaker 1 (36:23):
This gets to the fun shit.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
Are you ready?
So fucking excited those of youwho have waited 42 minutes and
made it this far.
You're in for a fucking treat.

Speaker 1 (36:31):
Now, as the cheerful legend of Santa Claus spread far
and wide, another characteremerged from the shadows to
counterbalance the festivities.

Speaker 2 (36:40):
Instead of ho, ho, ho , he goes, hehehehe.

Speaker 1 (36:43):
Because for every hero there must be a villain.
Yes, for Luke Skywalker thereis Darth Vader, for Rocky Balboa
there is Ivan Drago, and forBatman there is the Joker.
Their stories would not be soepic or memorable without their
dark and evil antagonist.
For our cheerful Christmas icon, santa Claus, there is a dark,

(37:06):
more sinister, evil creature.
Evil Named Krampus, a mythicalfigure deeply rooted in European
folklore and traditions,embodying the darker aspects of
the holiday season.
Yeah, now, krampus is a mangled, deranged faced, half goat,
half demon with giant horns,razor, sharp teeth with a long,

(37:32):
gnarly pointed tongue and afur-covered body that walks on
one foot and one hoof that wrapschains around himself,
symbolizing the binding of thedevil who comes one night before
the traditional St Nicholas Dayon December 5th, known as

(37:52):
Krampus-rocked.

Speaker 2 (37:53):
Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 (37:54):
Or.

Speaker 2 (37:55):
Krampus-snot.
Yes, those of you who werewondering.

Speaker 1 (37:58):
Or otherwise known as Krampus-night, to either beat
those who have misbehaved withbranches and sticks, torture
them in the night, eat them oreven drag them away in a sack to
his lair in hell.

Speaker 2 (38:12):
You know, I would much rather be beaten with a
branch or a stick than eaten, so.

Speaker 1 (38:20):
Yeah, I don't, you know, I don't know it could be
quick, a quick eating.
Yeah, you know, just like offat the head first, just like
just bite and get that shit outof it.

Speaker 2 (38:29):
You really think he's taken off the head first.
This seems like a man whoenjoys it.

Speaker 1 (38:34):
He does, he does and honestly, the movie Krampus,
like they all end up in the snowglobe at the end or whatever.

Speaker 2 (38:41):
I haven't actually seen Krampus, fuck.
So yeah, we don't need to talkabout the ending or give away
the spoilers for anybody.

Speaker 1 (38:49):
It's so good it's got .
I don't even know who's in it,but anyways, it's good, it's
good.

Speaker 2 (38:54):
It is a good one.

Speaker 1 (38:56):
They come out and they're like all terrorizing and
they kill the whole fuckingfamily.

Speaker 2 (38:59):
Adam Scott, You're just continuing with the, with
the hopefully all of you guyshave seen.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
Krampus on.
Like me, it came out like fouror five years ago, bro.
It's too like if you haven'tseen it by now that sucks.

Speaker 2 (39:10):
I don't know, man.
All I know is that Krampusgives a whole new meaning to
that naughty list.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yeah, he does, he does, he does Very scary.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
Now you might be asking yourselves why would such
a demonic figure exist in themidst of such a joyful time of
year?
The answer is simple.
I mean, if you didn't think ofthis already, what are you doing
?
Santa is in on it.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
Yeah, santa is in on murdering children.

Speaker 2 (39:39):
Yeah, I mean it's good for his economy, fucking
metal dude.
Yeah, yeah.
See, it's almost like a goodold domestic abuse relationship
when you boil it down right.
Santa has this very positivereputation to uphold.
Well, krampus does not hateChristmas itself, he hates the
ones without Christmas spirit.
And what did we all learn whilewatching the Will Ferrell movie
Elf?
Well, santa can't do a goddamnthing without the Christmas

(40:02):
spirit, not a goddamn thing so.
Krampus comes on December 5th,the day before the more
traditional celebration of StNicholas, and causes terror and
mischief to all the assholes,the kids and adults alike, while
Santa comes in soon afterbearing gifts and treats to keep
up his almighty hero ofChristmas reputation.

(40:23):
It's really that simple, Goodcop back up.

Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yeah, that's all it is.

Speaker 2 (40:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
Naturally, the next question you might be asking is
well, how long has thisobviously real character been
around?

Speaker 2 (40:35):
Obviously real.
Emphasis Obviously yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:40):
Well, krampus was thought to have been part of a
pre-German pagan ritual for thewinter solstice and, according
to legend, he is the son of.
Is this hell heel?

Speaker 2 (40:50):
I think it's el El, because it's a Norse god.
Usually the ages are prettysilent.
Ah, okay, so el I just saidthat out of my ass.
Dude, you believed me, h-e-l.

Speaker 1 (40:59):
You sounded confident .
Just believe anything you hear.
You were a god.
Now he was the Norse god of theunderworld, so he's been around
, and then, after St Nicholas'sdeath, he was latched on to the
Christmas season with the spreadof Christianity, and the
Catholic Church even tried toban him due to his resemblance

(41:19):
to the devil.

Speaker 2 (41:21):
Ah, yeah, yeah, that tracks.
Christian church willabsolutely ban anything that's
got to do with Satan.

Speaker 1 (41:28):
Now doing a deep dive in a Krampus is, like actually
quite a bit of a shallow dive,because if you read one article,
you've literally read them all,and so this obviously I don't
have time to read books.

Speaker 2 (41:42):
They made a whole movie about him, Cooper.
They did make the have you seenthe movie we already have?
Have you seen the movieEverything we talked about?
And then they end up in thesnow globe.

Speaker 1 (41:50):
Yeah, he didn't wait to spoil the movie.

Speaker 2 (41:58):
Oh, so sorry.

Speaker 1 (41:59):
So there's really just like about five minutes
worth of research to be done andif you search Krampus, there
will literally be hundreds ofarticles where they mostly dive
into just random historicalevents where something might
have been mentioned aboutKrampus, and then go into
elaborate detail describingorigins of names.
And they always bring up themodern day celebration of

(42:20):
Krampuslof, which is Krampus Run, where people dress up like
Krampus on December 5th and theydrink copious amounts of
alcohol and chase women aroundand children and sometimes
beating them with sticks, butonly in the legs, ah, yeah, Well
, only in the legs.
This is this, is they talkabout this?
So people like they'll fuckingdress up and then they chase
people and beat the shit out ofthem.

Speaker 2 (42:39):
They just get hammered.
Leave it.
Leave it to humans.
Yeah, no, we'll think ofanything if it's an excuse to
drink.
If it's an excuse to drink, wehave it.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
It's super funny.
I was reading about like whatthe fuck?
I just wanted to know, like thecreeps you know, like ask
folklore and like who died maybebecause of this?
Like, was there, like you know,some sort of like crusade of
Krampus?
But no, it's just they alwaysgo into the modern day Krampus
run and then people just get inshit house and fucking beat each
other with sticks, naturally.
So, since this specific topicis not as vivid as one would

(43:11):
hope, we have decided to giveyou guys one of the traditional
Krampa stories from Austria.
And then, for some fun, we didsome creepypastas that I found
on the internet about ourfavorite little Christmas devil,
yeah.
And so, for those of you whoare not aware of what a
creepypasta is, they areessentially the campfire stories

(43:31):
of the internet.

Speaker 2 (43:32):
So sit back, relax with your favorite glass of wine
, whiskey, rum, beer, hot cocoa,heroin, whatever you'd whatever
is your eggnog?

Speaker 1 (43:42):
Yeah, yeah, either heroin or eggnog.
Hennessy, yeah, hennessy too,give me that Henny son yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
Yeah, crack Whichever one you want.
Heroin I did say heroin twice.
Ah yeah, we got the basis cover.

Speaker 1 (43:52):
Did you just miss me saying heroin twice?
I did, I missed you, I said ittwo times.

Speaker 2 (43:58):
God do you hate me Kind of Okay, cool, no, I just
needed to know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, am I on afucking?

Speaker 1 (44:03):
court.
Don't forget the mushrooms.
The Quintus podcast, justkidding, just kidding.

Speaker 2 (44:07):
Kyra quit the band, so I think we should.
Scotty doesn't know.
Anyway, two differentreferences.

Speaker 1 (44:14):
I went to Nacious D and you go Euro trip.
Yeah, basically the same movieDeactivated laser.
What With my dick?
All right.

Speaker 2 (44:24):
Sorry guys.
So this is the Austria story,right?
This is Krampus and the naughtychildren.

Speaker 1 (44:31):
Now, once upon a time , in a quaint village nestled in
the snow covered mountains ofAustria, the air was filled with
festive cheer as Saint Nicholasprepared for his annual visit.
The children eagerlyanticipated the arrival of gifts
and treats, hoping to be on thenice list.
However, hidden in the shadowslurked Krampus, the fearsome

(44:51):
companion of Saint Nicholas.
As the night fell on December5th, the day of Krampus
schnucked, a sense of uneasedescended upon the village.
The children, unaware of thedarker side of the holiday,
continued to play mischief Onthat fateful night.
As the clock struck midnight, achilling wind swept through the

(45:12):
village, announcing the arrivalof Krampus.
His cloven hoof clacked acrossthe cobblestone streets as he
slinked from house to house.

Speaker 2 (45:22):
It's just one.
It's just one hoof, so it'sjust.

Speaker 1 (45:30):
Chains rattling with an eerie sound.
Krampus, with his twisted hornsand menacing grin, approached
the homes of the mischievouschildren.
The misbehaving youngsters,tucked snugly in their beds,
were unaware of the impendingvisitation.
Suddenly, the night air wasfilled with a spine-chilling
howl as Krampus entered theirdreams.

(45:52):
In each home, krampusconfronted the naughty children.
He brandished this bundle ofbirch sticks ready to administer
his punishment.
With a swift swat, headmonished those who had lied,
stolen or shown disobedience.
The sound of his sticks echoedthrough the village, serving as
a dark reminder of theconsequences of wayward behavior

(46:13):
.
The most mischievous childrenwere swept away in Krampus's
sack, destined for a fate dealtin hell.
As the night dwindled, krampusdisappeared into the wintery
darkness, leaving behind avillage now hushed in the
aftermath of his visit.
The next morning, the childrenawoke to find their homes

(46:33):
untouched, but a sense oftrepidation lingered.
The story of Krampus and hisvisits spread throughout the
village, becoming a cautionarytale told to misbehaving
children for generations to comeFrom that day forward.
The threat of Krampus served asa reminder that, alongside the
joy of the holiday season, thereexisted a darker side that

(46:56):
demanded respect for the valuesof kindness and obedience.
And so, in the heart of theAustrian mountains.
The legend of Krampus enduredforever, blending the festive
with the cautionary.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
So basically he showed up, gave some kids
nightmares.

Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, but that's a scary fucking nightmare.
He was getting dragged out ofyour bed in a sack by some
demonic creature with one hoofand a foot and chains wrapped
around him, raised his sharpteeth and one gnarly ass sharp
tongue.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
One person's nightmare, another person's kink
.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
Kinkcom is really missing the bar.
That's what I was saying.

Speaker 2 (47:32):
where's my Krampus porn when I need it it is the
season motherfuckers porn up,get on it.
Brassers.
So this is actually acreepypasta poem written by what
J Spezial.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
J Spezial.
Okay, and I actually gotpermission to share this from J
Spezial, did you?
I did?

Speaker 2 (47:52):
Oh, that's actually kind of fucking sick.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
Yeah, yeah, so shout out to J Period S-P-E-Z-I-A-L-E.

Speaker 2 (47:58):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (47:59):
Y'all want to go look them up.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, that's really cool.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, Shout out to you.

Speaker 1 (48:06):
So this is.
There's like three little poemswithin this, three segments of
this.

Speaker 2 (48:11):
Insert narrator Ian Never, ever sad.

(48:40):
But he had a secret that onlyhe knew.
This man loved to stranglechildren.
He turned them cold and blue.
The town folk never found them,for he was very smart.
Frederick took their corpsesand pulled them all apart.

(49:01):
It couldn't be young Frederick.
Everyone would say he is a manof God.
We always see him pray.
The cold night came andFrederick rested his head, but
soon he heard a scratchingunderneath his bed.

(49:22):
Frederick trembled as he looked, oil lamp in hand, on his
bedroom floor.
The demon had a plan Away withyou, beast.
The night is dark and long.
You have no business here, forI have done no wrong.

(49:43):
Krampus only laughed as heshook his rusty chain.
He hung Frederick by the neckUntil he writhed in pain, the
links constricted, digging intoskin.
Frederick then cried out,paying for his sin.
He begged and pleaded until hisfinal breath.

(50:06):
With a beautiful snap,frederick bled to death.
Krampus hung him out to dry andall the town folk began to cry,
but not the children.
For now their souls were freeand under Frederick's body the
phantoms danced with glee.

(50:26):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (50:29):
I like that one.
That's a good one.
I like that.

Speaker 2 (50:33):
Snapped his neck, but then he bled to death.
That's like a forceful snap.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
It's a very forceful.

Speaker 2 (50:37):
Yeah, very, very forceful, it's like the skin
snap.
Yeah, that is a hard 90 degreesnap.
Yeah, it's like an Indian rugburn on you know, but like I
just scared to do Indian rugburns because I'm scared like
I'm gonna rip their skin.
You know You're a very strongman you should probably not be
giving you know, mom used tofucking have people like bet

(50:59):
that they, like she, would notgive in unlike an Indian rug
burn.

Speaker 1 (51:02):
Yeah, cuz mom is a freak of nature, it's insane.
I'm like that's just her paintolerance is crazy.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
She's the person who will eat the hottest pepper on
the island and and be like well,what do you mean?
I thought that was a bellpepper, yeah that was fine.
Yeah, all right.
So here's another one.
This is poem number two.
Greta loved herself More thanshe could bear.
She never had enough and couldnever, ever share.

(51:29):
One was never more.
It was only need.
Her envy grew and grew and withit came her greed.
Greta needed more, but moneywasn't flush, so she stole from
her family.
It gave her quite the rush.
It is not enough to herself,she would say.

(51:52):
I must have it all, there is noother way.
Into her grandparents home,greta crept inside.
They had many treasures,jewelry and gemstones, pied.
But when she looked about, well, she did not find only ancient
Krampus with something on hismind.

(52:15):
Greta shrieked and trembledstaring at his claws.
She knew there would be nomercy from this evil.
Santa Claus, you shall have theriches, krampus said with a
grin, and he gave them to herafter peeling off her skin.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
Gnarly brown, super gnarly.
All right, last one.

Speaker 2 (52:41):
What a vain woman.

Speaker 1 (52:43):
Last, last, last poem .

Speaker 2 (52:44):
Yeah, last poem.
And then we got another story.
Herman was a doctor, for that'swhat he would say, and every
single patient they would haveto pay.
That's sorry, the simple, thesyllables line up there first.

Speaker 1 (52:59):
Yeah, I mean restart that.

Speaker 2 (53:01):
Okay, gotta do Jay right, he's a poet.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
You know you gotta do Jay, right, yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:07):
Herman was a doctor.
For that's what he would say,and every single patient they
would have to pay.
He cut and pulled and burned,and after he was done, for more
he always yearned.
The surgeon was a butcher whohad a taste for swine.
With their bleeding flesh he'dpair a fine red wine.

(53:28):
The hunger took him body, mindand soul.
Yet this evil, it never tookits toll.
Herman was alone in his chair.
He sat.
All this human meat had madehim very fat.
He drifted off to slumber andbegan to snore until an angry

(53:49):
Krampus burst through the door.
Herman could not move.
He wet himself in fright.
Krampus licked his lips and letout a squeal of delight.
First he gouged out his eyesand Herman could not see.
Then Krampus fillied his tongue.
It was tender as could be.

(54:10):
Christmas is joyous, full oflove and cheer, but you must
remember the one that we allfear.
So be kind to one another, showlove and heed this text.
Krampus will find you and youwill certainly be next.

(54:32):
Great, great it.
Herman was eating people likeyou.
Herman was a cannibal.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
Okay, herman deserved he deserved to go to Herman
like he deserved, like gettinghis tongue fillet.
I don't think a thousandpercent.

Speaker 2 (54:46):
I don't think Greta really deserved it.
I mean, she stole some stuff,sure, but like to get skinned
alive, that's like worse than Ifor an eye, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, frederickkind of deserved it.
He was a child killer, right?
Yeah yeah, frederick deservedit.
Greta, though?

Speaker 1 (55:04):
Mmm, kind of an overreaction on Krampus's part
now this this next one is a Onethat I found by mr Demon to you,
and that's demon DEMON To wasin the number and then you as a
letter.
I'm like so honestly, I'vealways loved a good Christmas,

(55:24):
but Now that's not possiblebecause of it.
I'm sorry, I gotta gotta hit itmyself.
Let me start at the beginning.
Last Christmas Eve, my son andI were watching a Christmas
story and it got to berelatively late, so I sent him
off to bed, knowing I still hadsome final gifts to wrap up.
A couple hours after I got donesitting up all the presents

(55:45):
under the tree, I went to bed,but I couldn't help but feel as
if there was a presence watchingme.
I just felt like there wassomething in my house and, of
course, being curious and scared, I looked all around to see if
anyone was hiding and, as Ifigured, there was no one.
So after all of that, I went tobed and put off the feeling

(56:06):
that someone was watching me,figuring it was just my
imagination.
Then, in the middle of thenight, I woke up to a noise.
It was a noise of chainsshaking and dragging on the
hardwood floor.
Coming out of my sleep, Icouldn't think what those sounds
might be.
Suddenly I heard in this deep,demonic voice coming from the

(56:28):
living room I do not, you hadall the chance to be good, but
you didn't take them now.
Did you?

Speaker 2 (56:38):
No, no, please don't hurt me.

Speaker 1 (56:41):
I could hear my son pleading to whatever that thing
was and in a frightened panic Ithrew my covers up and I ran out
of my bedroom and I ran towardsthe living room where I heard
my son's quick, frighteningscreams.
I was in such a panic Icouldn't find my voice to yell
for my son.
I was just crazy out of my mind.
Before I reached the livingroom, I heard two loud snaps,

(57:02):
followed by a small poppingsound.
When I reached the living room,I stopped in horror and
disbelief.
I saw a tall, goat-like creaturewearing an old, dirty cloak,
wrapped in chains.
He was standing on what lookedlike a hoof and a human foot in
a puddle of something dark andthick.
The creature was holding themutilated corpse of my son by

(57:26):
his two now broken arms.
Blood was steadily pouring andspouting from where my son's
head had once been, his boneswere protruding through the skin
of his arms and the air filledwith the smell of iron, and I
almost threw up right then.
And there the creature turnedto me and smiled, revealing

(57:48):
flesh in his razor sharp teeth.
This beast then turned back tomy son's headless corpse and
stared at it as if it wasadmiring its work, struck with
what I felt like a hammer to mychest, to begin to weep as I
prayed.
This was a dream, but the painwas too real.
And this was no dream.
My son was dead.
I felt to my knees and lookedupon the demon and asked why?

(58:11):
Because Krampus doesn't likenaughty children.
And out of the corner of my eyeI saw some Christmas presents
with the wrapping paper tornever so slightly.
Krampus had caught my sonpeeking into the Christmas gifts
and that's it All.

Speaker 2 (58:30):
Right, yeah no, that's a banger.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
Wow, that was fucked up.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
Your discretion is advised.
We could have said before that,but feel like there were some
triggers in there you could havetalked to get a blue ribbon for
.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
But yeah, tell the kids out there don't fuck about
it, otherwise Krampus is gonnacome snap your arms and eat your
head.
What a dick.
Or skin you alive, or Terrifyyour nightmares and treat you
like Jeepers, creepers, or it'llbeat you with a sticker.

Speaker 2 (59:02):
Creepers I meant fucking Freddy Damn it, it'll
beat you with a stick be true,with a stick with a birch stick,
birch sticks, a bunch of sticks, alright.

Speaker 1 (59:12):
Well, ladies and gentlemen, just Notating, we're
also gonna be gone in January,yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (59:19):
So Cooper's gonna be gone.
I'll be here, but I won't bedoing the podcast that is true.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
That is true.
But yeah, we're gonna try andget next week's episode out.
I'm working on it now, but weare taking off out of town and
it's gonna be a little difficult.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
Oh, yeah, we have a lot of fucking shit going on.
You know what, dude?
Hold on, hold on.
We're getting all apologizing,we're getting all sincere
apologies.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We have given you people 31weeks in a row of Podcast.
We deserve a break.
Yeah that's what it boils downto, a break.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
Just I'm gonna go to Ireland.
Yes, and I see my girlfriend,I'm gonna try the whole remote
thing before with the previouspodcast.
It just doesn't work, man, it'snot as good.
It's not as good.

Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
So we wouldn't give you guys quality material, and
in order for that to happen,y'all are just gonna have to
fucking wait.
But you know what, when we comeback, oh, yeah, so thank you so
much, ian.

Speaker 1 (01:00:21):
Do you have anything for the kids?

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
Yeah, I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonnaeat all of your heads Because
I'm crap is no, I'm just kidding.
If you've made it this far inthe podcast with all of our Tom
Fulery, we do appreciate it.
Seriously.
It means the world to us, ofcourse.
Again, if you've made it thisfar, you are a fucking champion,
my friend, and I mean that withall of my boners.

(01:00:43):
So, thank you so much forlistening and, cooper, take it
away.

Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
Stay beautiful bitches cuz.
We fucking love you.