April 14, 2025 • 40 mins
Victim blaming creates a secondary trauma for those who have already survived violence, adding unnecessary pain to their healing journey.
• More than half of all women experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime
• Women experience PTSD at nearly double the rate of men (10-12% vs 5-6%)
• Over 90% of women reporting any traumatic event have experienced multiple traumas
• Victim blaming occurs when people hold victims responsible for crimes committed against them
• This harmful psychological mechanism helps observers maintain an illusion of control
• The "precipitation theory" explains why we focus on victims' actions rather than perpetrators
• Our culture subtly reinforces victim blaming through messages about empowerment and prevention
• PTSD healing progresses through five stages: impact, denial, recoil, integration, and recovery
• Forgiveness significantly improves mental and physical health
• True forgiveness means letting go of resentment without excusing harmful behavior
I encourage everyone to silence the voices of blame – from others and from within – and work toward forgiveness as a daily practice. It won't erase what happened, but it can free you from the prison of unforgiveness and improve your health and wellbeing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dina LaFargue (00:00):
Greetings.
My name is Dina Lafargue and Iwelcome you to the latest
episode of the Drip Line.
Today's episode addresses thevictimization of the victim and
the importance of forgiveness.
It's so very serious and it'son my heart because I have lived
(00:22):
it and I know it hurts.
It's called victim blaming.
It is unnecessary and ithappens far too often.
In this episode, I will addressthe science behind victim
blaming.
I will define PTSD and how wecan overcome it.
(00:43):
Women who are victims of anycriminal act or any form of
violence or abuse do not need tosuffer additional layers of
victimization by onlookers, bythe public, by media or by
family or friends.
Meaning women who have beenvictimized and are victims do
(01:06):
not need to bear any additionalburden by being judged.
It's heartbreaking, it'sdamaging, it's almost criminal
and it only contributes to thepain the victim is suffering.
It only contributes to thedrama and to the trauma.
I myself have been a victimmore than once in my life.
(01:31):
The most traumatic event wasbeing carjacked and shot at a
gas station in Miami by aneo-Nazi skinhead who had just
been released from prison.
He actually tried to kidnap me,but I wasn't having it.
The fight had to take placeright then.
And there.
Well, he ended up shooting me.
(01:53):
It was a point-blank range shotwith a .38 caliber gun right to
my abdomen, and I practicallybled out.
But, as God would have it, Iwas saved by a phenomenal team
of doctors at Jackson MemorialHospital in Miami, and I will
never, ever forget Dr ChristinaRobo, who was integral in
(02:16):
performing the surgery thatsaved my life.
God bless her.
Anyway, the news channels blamedme for fighting off my attacker
.
It was unreal, it was painful,I couldn't believe it.
But of course, why not?
Instead of just handing over mycar, they said I should have
(02:40):
known better.
But you see, they didn't knowmy story.
They didn't know how it started, they didn't know that he had
jumped me from behind, theydidn't know where I had come
from.
They didn't know what I wasovercoming.
They didn't know what I wasfighting for.
They didn't understand me.
They didn't know anything aboutme.
They didn't know the fight thatwas going on inside of me, what
(03:06):
I was running to, what I wascoming to.
They underestimated everything.
They didn't know me, theydidn't know my desperation, they
didn't know my motivation.
They didn't know why I wouldeven snatch the man out of my
(03:29):
car even though he had a gun.
They didn't understand or knowanything.
Yet it ran on the news over andover again as I lay in the
hospital - this woman got shotbecause she had the nerve to try
to fight somebody off.
She tried to fight a winlessbattle.
Well, it was my life, it was mycar, it was my future and, yes,
(03:49):
maybe it was my dying.
But there, it was all mydecision and I don't regret one
moment ofSo, anyway, in sharing that with
you, I've experienced trauma.
I've experienced more than onethreatening situation in my life
.
I have become a statistic inmore ways than one, just as many
(04:15):
of you are, and sometimes theevents haunt me, but I manage
them Now.
They don't manage me.
Let me share some statisticswith you.
Do you know that more than halfof all women will be exposed to
at least one traumatic event intheir lifetime?
Yes, it's true, and it statesby the Center, the National
(04:41):
Center for PTSD, that in fact,research has been published
showing that women experience 10to 12% more PTSD compared to
men, who experience it at alevel of 5 to 6%.
Do you also know, of all womenreporting any traumatic event,
(05:07):
that nearly all of them, or Ishould say more than 90%, have
reported multiple traumaticevents in their lives?
That's an extreme number andprobably many of you all fall
into that number too.
(05:29):
And saying all of this, do weneed to be blamed or victimized
twice over?
Do we really need to hear thecriticisms and the knee-jerk
reactions of the onlookers?
I think not and I knowAccording to USlegal.
com's definition, victim blamingis a devaluing act where the
victim of a crime, the victim ofan accident or any type of
(05:51):
abusive maltreatment is held aswholly or partially responsible
for the wrongful conductcommitted against them.
Victim blaming can appear inthe form of negative social
(06:22):
reactions, not just from thelegal world but, believe it or
not, but from the medical andmental health professionals that
treat us as well as from themedia.
And the reason for victimblaming can be attributed to the
misconceptions about victims,the perpetrators and the nature
of their acts.
Neuro Launch's Editorial teamwrites in its article entitled
(06:48):
"Blaming the Victim.
Psychology Unraveling theHarmful Phenomena says victim
blaming is the actual act ofholding the victim responsible
for their own misfortune ratherthan acknowledging the role of
external factors or theperpetrators themselves.
It is a psychological mechanismthat allows people to distance
themselves from theuncomfortable reality that bad
(07:11):
things can happen to anyone atany
time.
This phenomenon is far moreprevalent than we might like to
admit, but it happens and itseeps into our everyday
conversations.
It seeps into our everydayconversations, it seeps into
media portrayals and even legalproceedings.
The courtroom can be the mostbrutal and terrifying place
(07:41):
relive to relieve a trauma.
Yes, I've gone through a lotand I know I'm not alone.
I've been there in court as avictim and as an observer, and
it's appalling, and that's why Ifeel the need to host this
broadcast.
Victim blaming creates a toxicenvironment where survivors are
(08:01):
hesitant to speak out.
Where survivors are hesitant tospeak out, perpetrators are
emboldened and society as awhole becomes complicit in
perpetrating cycles of abuse andinjustice.
It's a psychological trap thatwe all too easily fall into,
often without evenyou a shifter?
(08:24):
Do you know what a shifter is?
I've been a shifter, even as avictim.
Can you believe it?
A shifter is someone who blamesthe victim.
Yep, I've done it because Irealized that I don't want to be
a victim.
I don't want anybody else to bea victim, and when I see
(08:46):
something that could have beenavoided, I want to say to the
victim that they shouldn't havedone that, they shouldn't have
gone there.
And I know I'm reminding myselfof what not to do and what to
do.
Shame on me, but think about it.
Have you ever caught yourselfthinking that this person
(09:07):
shouldn't have been walkingalone at night?
Or maybe they should have knownbetter than go to the atm at
night or at a specific location?
Or maybe they should have knownbetter than to trust a specific
person?
You know it's real.
Come on, it's real andscientists actually have a name
for it.
They call it the precipitationtheory.
(09:30):
It means the victim issubjected to judgment by their
own attributes, where peopleoveremphasize the victim's
attitude, habits, personalcharacteristics, traits and
looks and actually ignore thesituational factors that
(09:51):
contribute to the cause or theevent.
When explaining another'sbehavior, we more are likely to
(10:21):
attribute a victim's misfortuneto their own actions, to their
own character, their own flaws,to their own decisions, rather
than considering the broadercontext or the action of others
or the actions of theperpetrators.
We see it in commercials, guys.
We see it in announcements.
We hear it on the radio.
We see it in self-defense ads.
We see it in self-help classes.
We hear don't be a victim.
You're not a victim, you're asurvivor.
(10:45):
Don't be a victim, be empowered.
But even when they say, anddon't be a victim, well how can
you be a survivor if you weren'ta victim in the first
place?
There's a subliminal message inall these announcements and all
these advertisements.
It's a lot of pressure.
Subconsciously, there's aburden lying beneath all those
(11:09):
messages to make sure it doesn'thappen to you.
And if it does happen, it meansyou weren't prepared enough and
that you're at fault.
Being a victim seems to havebecome such a four-letter word
because it speaks to weakness,unpreparedness, carelessness and
(11:33):
perhaps vulnerability.
And who likes the wordvulnerable?
Even that seems to be afour-letter! word these days.
It lends itself to faultSo nowadays, we have to be
perfect, we have to be powerful,we have to be prepared, we have
to be ready, we have to?
be What ready for everything.
(12:36):
?
And have to be ready so itdoesn't happen to us.
We have to be ready so we don'tbecome a statistic.
No, of course nobody wants tobe one.
No, we don't want it to everhappen, or ever happen again.
Don't you dare become a victim,don't you dare be victimized.
You have to be a part of thesmart club, you have to be one
of the wise ones, you have toset yourself up for never being
set up to be avictim.
And after saying all of this,after sharing all of this, I
guess many of you have questionslike I have Now.
How do you heal, what do you doand how do you move on?
Let me first describe, as Icontinue, the impact of stands
all the victimizing, all theblaming.
It's psychological.
There's an article postedlevel, experts US News Health's
(12:58):
website.
It's called the PsychologicalImpact of Victim Blaming and how
to Stop it.
It's authored by MichaelSchroeder, a former writer.
It states many victims of abusesuffer secondary trauma from
bringing blamed for the harmthey endured almost without fail
(13:20):
.
It states when a person hasbeen the victim of abuse,
psychological experts say thatthe individual experiences shame
, internalizing some of theemotional and mental injury
perpetrated.
And that's in addition to howthe abuse thing, and develop a
the crime, such as physical orsexual, may have also marked a
(13:42):
person physically.
Yep, we are a culture of victimblamers.
The article adds that those whosuffer sexual abuse, especially
from young children topredominantly failed students.
Female students on collegecampuses are frequently blamed
for what happened tothem.
The core of victim blaming isthat we don't want to feel out
(14:06):
of control, since beingvictimized or learning that
someone else was victimizedthreatens to shatter the
illusion that we're always incontrol of what happens to us.
Victim blaming is endemic inour and ultimately stand in the
(14:42):
way of recovery At the basiclevel,.
a And most basic level.
Experts say a person needs tobe free to feel the way they do
and affirmed by those who lovethem so they can process their
feelings.
We need to be validated.
Victim needs to be validated.
It's also important for aperson seeking help to find a
(15:04):
mental health professional theycan trust.
It is recommended that a victimof a violent crime or any
traumatic event find a therapist, one that you can feel
comfortable with, relationshipwith a therapist that is
(15:34):
familiar with your type oftrauma and is able to work with
you through the trauma andall the subsequent results of
the .
I agree wholeheartedly withthis article.
If you have ever experiencedanything traumatic, you're going
to feel how you feel and no onecan tell you how to feel.
You need to PTSD walk throughthis yourself.
(15:57):
You need to walk yourselfthrough it all and you need to
find someone to help you do it.
I have, and you need to ignorethe blamers.
It is your situation.
It has to be processed and ithas to be processed without the
(16:19):
voice of the victimizers andblamers.
Being bombarded with thevictim-blamer narrative can
seriously damage one's mentaland emotional health and even
compromise the way of life andcompromise relationships.
It can change one's self-image.
(16:39):
It can bring more harm to one'sself-esteem, to one's
self-respect, and cause a personto question their own integrity
and character to question theirown integrity and character.
So if you are a victim andyou're suffering and can't seem
to cope effectively, I want youto find help.
(17:00):
The writers go on to mentionthat there are five stages to
PTSD post-traumatic stressdisorder and that if you're
stuck, I want you to check theseout and see if you recognize
yourself in any of them.
I'm going to list them briefly,but if you want to learn more
(17:23):
about them, you can go to thewebsite choosingtherapycom and
look up the article the FiveStages of PTSD Understanding the
Process ofIt defines PTSD as a mental
health condition that candevelop after someone has
(17:44):
experienced or witnessed atraumatic event.
It's more than just feelingstressed or anxious after a
difficult experience.
Ptsd involves persistentsymptoms that can significantly
disrupt a event, of specificplaces, people or activities
(18:10):
that are reminders of the trauma.
Negative changes in thoughts ormood, like feeling detached or
hopeless, or increased arousal,sometimes like being easily
startled.
Feeling intense, havingdifficulty concentrating, having
(18:32):
difficulty concentrating,having difficulty communicating
are all symptoms of thetraumatic experience.
It says PTSD is a long-termeffect that occurs when the body
and mind have troubleprocessing that experience,
leading to those ongoingsymptoms.
(18:52):
Not everyone who experiencestrauma develops PTSD, but it can
be a serious condition forthose who
do.
The first stage is the impactstage, or shock.
The second stage is the denialstage, when you're trying to
minimize the event.
The third stage, I'm sorry, isthe recoil stage, when you're
trying to minimize the event.
The third stage, I'm sorry, isthe recoil stage, when intense,
(19:16):
intrusive memories pop up in ourwaking or sleeping moments.
And the fourth stage is calledintegration.
He where you can finallyarticulate and better express
what has happened.
And the fifth stage is calledthe recovery stage.
It's the stage of growth afterthe event, when you feel you've
stabilized and are able to moveforward and no longer are
(19:39):
dwelling or living in the eventnot
itself.
So, with this and the experienceof being blamed for what has
happened to you or from beingheld partially responsible or
the cause of whatever traumaticevent you've experienced, I want
to remind everyone listeningthat Jesus heals.
His heart is not to condemn,but his love is there to make us
(20:06):
whole.
He is the perfect judge and thelover of our souls.
He is a perfect friend and heknows the truth about every
situation we experience.
He knows our every emotion andour every thought, our every
(20:26):
contemplation.
He knows how we're going toreact to every event before we
even react.
He knows the end from thebeginning and the beginning from
the end.
He knowsthe hows
and the whys and he is" thevoice that matters.
His voice is the voice of love.
(20:46):
So I hope and I want everylistener, every woman, to shut
(21:17):
out the voices of condemnationand doubt and listen to the
voice of the perpetrators, thevictimizers, the blamers and
even our own voice that can beself-condemning and overly to
(23:35):
them "critical.
I'm going to share a littlehistory of a woman in the Bible.
In this history you'll see howJesus shuts down the voice of
the accusers, of the victimizers, of the blamers, the voice of
condemnation and even thewoman's own voice that may have
screamed of unforgivenesstowards the men and even of
herself.
This woman was being for beingan adulterous woman.
her, " Naturally, the men madeno mention of the man who was
committing adultery with her.
Of course not.
It was a clear case of how,even today, women are treated
more harshly than men, treatedwith a double standard, and are
shamed for falling victim tocrime or even
stumbling.
The story is referred to as awoman caught in adultery and is
, chapter 8.
It says At dawn, jesus appearedagain in the temple courts
where all the people gatheredaround him, and he sat down to
teach them.
And as he was speaking, theteachers of religious law and
the Pharisees brought a womanwho had been caught in the act
of adultery and they put in theact of adultery and they put her
in front of the crowd.
Imagine that, teacher, theysaid to Jesus this woman was
caught in the act of adulteryand the law of Moses says to
stone her.
What do you say?
You see, these men, theseteachers, they were actually
trying to trap Jesus into sayingsomething they could use
against him.
But Jesus only stood down andwrote in the dust with his
finger.
But they kept on demanding ananswer.
So he stood up again and saidAll right, but let the one who
down again and wrote in theAnd when the accusers heard
this, they slipped away one byone silently, beginning with the
oldest, until only Jesus wasleft in the middle of the crowd
with the woman.
(23:55):
Then he stood up again and saidto the woman where are your
accusers?
Woman, didn't even one of themcondemn
you?
No, lord, she said.
And Jesus then said to her.
And Jesus then said to herNeither do I Go and sin no more.
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You see, these men didn't evenexpect Jesus' compassion and of
course they didn't want hisadmonishment.
(26:05):
- Jesus knew the evil in thewoman's attacker's hearts.
Jesus knew their intent and hereminded them of their but yet
he reminded the men that theyalso sinned.
You see, he didn't condemn herat all.
You see, he didn't condemn herat all.
No one isperfect and we all stumble, so
how dare anyone judge anybody?
How dare anyone judge anyvictim?
With all this being said, youwant to know how do you move
forward.
You want to know how do youmove forward.
You want to despite can youmove forward, how can you
overcome the traumaticevents?
When you find yourself relivingthem, events that are raw and
painful, you may be cravingrevenge.
You may be trying to overcomethe blame.
You may be living in bitternessand anger.
You may be listening to thevoices in your head or the other
voices that provoke you toanger.
I want you to meditate on someverses.
They're found in the Bible, andthe first one is in Leviticus
, chapter 19, verse 18.
And it says to you shall nottake vengeance or bear a grudge
against the sons of your ownpeople when you shall love your
neighbor as yourselfI am the Lord.
This is a beginning to healing.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
I am the Lord.
This is a beginning to healing.
This is a beginning on the roadto
recovery.
In Romans 12, verse 19, itstates Beloved, never avenge
(26:33):
yourselves.
Never avenge yourselves, butleave the wrath to me
.
You see, we're not to beunforgiving.
And you may be saying I've gotto pay them back.
They deserve it.
You may besaying there's no way I can
(27:01):
forgive anybody who's donesomething so cruel and so evil,
but we must forgive, despout theoutrage that we feel.
We cannot let the desire forrevenge, we trauma, and don't
(27:23):
let past hurts your anger, rightnow, turn you off.
Luke, chapter 6, verse 27, itsays but I say to you love your
enemies and do good to those whohate you.
Yes, keep listening as I walkyou through the damage of
unforgiveness, the damage thatunforgiveness does, the damage
(27:47):
that bitterness and hate does.
Let me share with you thebenefits of forgiveness and the
benefits of not seekingvengeance, of not feeding the
fear and the anger.
First, I'm going to describewhat unforgiveness does To our
own souls and to our bodies.
So please pay attention and tryto detect If you see yourself
(28:11):
In any of these followingthings.
One, do you have lingeringanger or resentment?
Two, do you find yourselfreliving the offense, where you
may feel stuck in a loop thatyou can't seem to stop?
Three, do you tend to havenegative thoughts or feelings?
Maybe you regularly havethoughts and feelings or dreams
(28:35):
about the event or the person.
Four, are you living inavoidance?
If you know the person but youactively avoid the person or
avoid being where they might beor avoid situations that remind
you of the offense or the traumamight be, or avoid situations
that remind you of the offenseor the trauma, bringing up
(28:57):
passwords that are unrelated tothe trauma can be really
Being in the environment whereyou experience the trauma can be
damaging.
Are you one of those?
Or - are you a person that isconstantly triggering other
people, causing arguments andcreating conflicts that have
(29:19):
nothing to do with your traumabecause your anger is spilling
over?
Are you creating drama that hasnothing to do with what's
happened to you, but we knowJohns it's truly the source?
Or, finally, do you findyourself plotting or daydreaming
about revenge?
(29:39):
Do you hear yourself in any ofI know I've seen myself in some
and I'm going to describe whatunforgiveness does, what it
actually is it's poisonous.
It's poisonous to your mentalhealth, it's poisonous to your
(30:03):
spirit.
It's poisonous to your body.
There's an enormous physicalburden to being hurt and
disappointed, says Dr KarenSwartz.
She's the director of the MoodDisorders Adult Consultation
(30:25):
Clinic at the John HopkinsHospital.
Chronic.
anger,But she says, puts you into
"sychology"Psychology flightsays.
(32:08):
Forgiveness mode which resultschallenges and changes in your
body.
It affects your heart rate,blood pressure and immune
response.
Those changes then increase therisk of depression, heart
disease and diabetes, amongother conditions.
Now her study also shows thatforgiveness calms stress levels,
leading to improved health.
Additionally, studies havefound that the act of
forgiveness can reap hugerewards for one's own health
lowering the risk of heartattack, improving even
cholesterol levels and sleep,mind you, reducing pain, blood
pressure and levels of anxiety.
Research points to an increasein the forgiveness health
connection as you age.
So you see, medical doctors sayforgiveness is necessary to live
Forgiveness, better and to bebetter.
biblical necessity and prayingfor those who harmed you can
actually help take the edge offof your anger, rage and
tenderhearted, know it helps.
I've practiced it.
So exactly what doesforgiveness look like?
How do you get there?
What does it mean?
(33:26):
.
" What certainly doesn'tforgiven, to forget, as people
often say.
Forgive and forget, but let'scontinue and see what psychology
todayAnd.
\ \Forgiveness, in part, says itis a willingness to drop the
narrative on a particularinjustice, to stop telling
ourselves over and over againthe story of what happened, what
this other person did, how wewere injured, and all the rest
of the upsetting things weremind ourselves in relation to
this unforgivableness.
It's a decision to let the pastbe what it is, to leave it as
is, imperfect and not what wewish it had been and not what we
wish it had been.
Forgiveness means that we stopthe shoulda, coulda, woulda
beens and relinquish the ideathat we could create a different
, better past.
Forgiveness is for everyone.
Forgiveness for the Christianis a biblical
God tells us in Ephesians,chapter 4, verse 32, that we're
to be kind to one another Verse32, that we're to be kind to one
another, tenderheartedforgiving of one another, as
Christ forgave us.
In 2 Corinthians, chapter 2, itsays anyone whom you forgive, I
also forgive what I haveforgiven.
Jesus says, indeed, I haveforgiven anything.
If I have forgiven anything, ithas been for your sake.
And in continuing, it says sothat we would not be outwitted
(33:46):
by Satan, who are not ignorantof his designs.
That's a quote by the ApostlePaul In Colossians, chapter 3,
it says, and next, and verypowerfully, it says in Luke,
(34:10):
chapter 6, and very powerfully,it says in Luke, chapter 6, do
not judge and you will not bejudged.
Do not condemn and you will notbe condemned.
Forgive and you will beforgiven.
And that also means we're tonot to condemn ourselves, we're
not to judge ourselves, we'renot to everyone.
(36:22):
condemn anyoneor judge anyone, but be kind
and loving to ourselves and to Iwant I'm each not ignoring the
level of hurt or the level oftrauma.
I'm not ignoring the voices ofanxiety, the voices that condemn
from wherever they come Jesusfrom.
But I want each one of us toturn off the unforgiveness, to
turn off the speaking, "as toshut down the blamers, the
victimizers, and turn toforgiveness.
Forgiveness is not saying youwere not 36, " by what the other
person did.
Forgiveness is not saying yourpain is gone.
Forgiveness is not sayingyou're back
being the person you were beforeit happened.
Forgiveness is not saying lifecan now pick up where you left
off.
You feel the way you did before, as if what happened never
happened.
No, it's not saying that.
Forgiveness is not saying youno longer believe the other
person was responsible forcausing harm.
Forgiveness is not saying youexcuse the other person's
behavior.
It's not saying you no longerview what happened as important.
It's not saying it So, wasn'ttraumatic.
Forgiveness is not saying youshare the blame for what
happened, and it's not sayingyou can never forget what
happened and it's not saying youcan never forget it ever.
What it is saying is, despitethe trauma and the blamers and
deflectors andthe gaslighters, is that
forgiveness is necessary forsays, "you and a must for the
believer.
It's a must forI want all of us to be on the
road to recovery.
I want each one of us to take aconscientious, step-by-step
walk to healing.
Each one of us to take aconscientious, step-by-step walk
to healing.
I want us to remember, aboveall, that Jesus loves you.
(36:42):
Yes, jesus loves you.
He says so.
His love heals.
In John 15, we can hear Jesusspeaking as a father has loved
me, so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
It says in Psalm 36,.
How precious is your steadfastlove, o God, the children of
(37:10):
mankind take refuge in theshadow of your
wings.
In closing, my awesomelisteners, my awesome women,
please try to focus on forgivingwhen pondering the betrayal,
when pondering the beating andreliving the attempted murder,
(37:31):
or remembering any person whotraumatized you, or remembering
who it was that tried to takeyour life or victimize you in
any way, even if you're notChristian or not believer.
Most people understand theconcept of forgiveness and the
(37:52):
need to forgive and howimportant it is to move forward.
So I ask of you to work onforgiveness, work on moving
beyond the trauma.
Yes, work on forgiving.
Make it a regular part of yourdaily life and I do believe you
(38:16):
can slowly see your levels ofanger, depression and anxiety
decrease over time.
In the Song of Solomon, chapter4, it says you are altogether
beautiful, my love, love, thereis no flaw in you until next
(38:40):
time.
Be blessed and let truth andlove drip into your soul.
God bless you.
Greetings.
My name is Dina Lafargue and Iwelcome you to the latest
episode of the Drip Line.
Today's episode addresses thevictimization of the victim and
the importance of forgiveness.
It's so very serious and it'son my heart because I have lived
(00:22):
it and I know it hurts.
It's called victim blaming.
It is unnecessary and ithappens far too often.
In this episode, I will addressthe science behind victim
blaming.
I will define PTSD and how wecan overcome it.
(00:43):
Women who are victims of anycriminal act or any form of
violence or abuse do not need tosuffer additional layers of
victimization by onlookers, bythe public, by media or by
family or friends.
Meaning women who have beenvictimized and are victims do
(01:06):
not need to bear any additionalburden by being judged.
It's heartbreaking, it'sdamaging, it's almost criminal
and it only contributes to thepain the victim is suffering.
It only contributes to thedrama and to the trauma.
I myself have been a victimmore than once in my life.
(01:31):
The most traumatic event wasbeing carjacked and shot at a
gas station in Miami by aneo-Nazi skinhead who had just
been released from prison.
He actually tried to kidnap me,but I wasn't having it.
The fight had to take placeright then.
And there.
Well, he ended up shooting me.
(01:53):
It was a point-blank range shotwith a .38 caliber gun right to
my abdomen, and I practicallybled out.
But, as God would have it, Iwas saved by a phenomenal team
of doctors at Jackson MemorialHospital in Miami, and I will
never, ever forget Dr ChristinaRobo, who was integral in
(02:16):
performing the surgery thatsaved my life.
God bless her.
Anyway, the news channels blamedme for fighting off my attacker
.
It was unreal, it was painful,I couldn't believe it.
But of course, why not?
Instead of just handing over mycar, they said I should have
(02:40):
known better.
But you see, they didn't knowmy story.
They didn't know how it started, they didn't know that he had
jumped me from behind, theydidn't know where I had come
from.
They didn't know what I wasovercoming.
They didn't know what I wasfighting for.
They didn't understand me.
They didn't know anything aboutme.
They didn't know the fight thatwas going on inside of me, what
(03:06):
I was running to, what I wascoming to.
They underestimated everything.
They didn't know me, theydidn't know my desperation, they
didn't know my motivation.
They didn't know why I wouldeven snatch the man out of my
(03:29):
car even though he had a gun.
They didn't understand or knowanything.
Yet it ran on the news over andover again as I lay in the
hospital - this woman got shotbecause she had the nerve to try
to fight somebody off.
She tried to fight a winlessbattle.
Well, it was my life, it was mycar, it was my future and, yes,
(03:49):
maybe it was my dying.
But there, it was all mydecision and I don't regret one
moment ofSo, anyway, in sharing that with
you, I've experienced trauma.
I've experienced more than onethreatening situation in my life
.
I have become a statistic inmore ways than one, just as many
(04:15):
of you are, and sometimes theevents haunt me, but I manage
them Now.
They don't manage me.
Let me share some statisticswith you.
Do you know that more than halfof all women will be exposed to
at least one traumatic event intheir lifetime?
Yes, it's true, and it statesby the Center, the National
(04:41):
Center for PTSD, that in fact,research has been published
showing that women experience 10to 12% more PTSD compared to
men, who experience it at alevel of 5 to 6%.
Do you also know, of all womenreporting any traumatic event,
(05:07):
that nearly all of them, or Ishould say more than 90%, have
reported multiple traumaticevents in their lives?
That's an extreme number andprobably many of you all fall
into that number too.
(05:29):
And saying all of this, do weneed to be blamed or victimized
twice over?
Do we really need to hear thecriticisms and the knee-jerk
reactions of the onlookers?
I think not and I knowAccording to USlegal.
com's definition, victim blamingis a devaluing act where the
victim of a crime, the victim ofan accident or any type of
(05:51):
abusive maltreatment is held aswholly or partially responsible
for the wrongful conductcommitted against them.
Victim blaming can appear inthe form of negative social
(06:22):
reactions, not just from thelegal world but, believe it or
not, but from the medical andmental health professionals that
treat us as well as from themedia.
And the reason for victimblaming can be attributed to the
misconceptions about victims,the perpetrators and the nature
of their acts.
Neuro Launch's Editorial teamwrites in its article entitled
(06:48):
"Blaming the Victim.
Psychology Unraveling theHarmful Phenomena says victim
blaming is the actual act ofholding the victim responsible
for their own misfortune ratherthan acknowledging the role of
external factors or theperpetrators themselves.
It is a psychological mechanismthat allows people to distance
themselves from theuncomfortable reality that bad
(07:11):
things can happen to anyone atany
time.
This phenomenon is far moreprevalent than we might like to
admit, but it happens and itseeps into our everyday
conversations.
It seeps into our everydayconversations, it seeps into
media portrayals and even legalproceedings.
The courtroom can be the mostbrutal and terrifying place
(07:41):
relive to relieve a trauma.
Yes, I've gone through a lotand I know I'm not alone.
I've been there in court as avictim and as an observer, and
it's appalling, and that's why Ifeel the need to host this
broadcast.
Victim blaming creates a toxicenvironment where survivors are
(08:01):
hesitant to speak out.
Where survivors are hesitant tospeak out, perpetrators are
emboldened and society as awhole becomes complicit in
perpetrating cycles of abuse andinjustice.
It's a psychological trap thatwe all too easily fall into,
often without evenyou a shifter?
(08:24):
Do you know what a shifter is?
I've been a shifter, even as avictim.
Can you believe it?
A shifter is someone who blamesthe victim.
Yep, I've done it because Irealized that I don't want to be
a victim.
I don't want anybody else to bea victim, and when I see
(08:46):
something that could have beenavoided, I want to say to the
victim that they shouldn't havedone that, they shouldn't have
gone there.
And I know I'm reminding myselfof what not to do and what to
do.
Shame on me, but think about it.
Have you ever caught yourselfthinking that this person
(09:07):
shouldn't have been walkingalone at night?
Or maybe they should have knownbetter than go to the atm at
night or at a specific location?
Or maybe they should have knownbetter than to trust a specific
person?
You know it's real.
Come on, it's real andscientists actually have a name
for it.
They call it the precipitationtheory.
(09:30):
It means the victim issubjected to judgment by their
own attributes, where peopleoveremphasize the victim's
attitude, habits, personalcharacteristics, traits and
looks and actually ignore thesituational factors that
(09:51):
contribute to the cause or theevent.
When explaining another'sbehavior, we more are likely to
(10:21):
attribute a victim's misfortuneto their own actions, to their
own character, their own flaws,to their own decisions, rather
than considering the broadercontext or the action of others
or the actions of theperpetrators.
We see it in commercials, guys.
We see it in announcements.
We hear it on the radio.
We see it in self-defense ads.
We see it in self-help classes.
We hear don't be a victim.
You're not a victim, you're asurvivor.
(10:45):
Don't be a victim, be empowered.
But even when they say, anddon't be a victim, well how can
you be a survivor if you weren'ta victim in the first
place?
There's a subliminal message inall these announcements and all
these advertisements.
It's a lot of pressure.
Subconsciously, there's aburden lying beneath all those
(11:09):
messages to make sure it doesn'thappen to you.
And if it does happen, it meansyou weren't prepared enough and
that you're at fault.
Being a victim seems to havebecome such a four-letter word
because it speaks to weakness,unpreparedness, carelessness and
(11:33):
perhaps vulnerability.
And who likes the wordvulnerable?
Even that seems to be afour-letter! word these days.
It lends itself to faultSo nowadays, we have to be
perfect, we have to be powerful,we have to be prepared, we have
to be ready, we have to?
be What ready for everything.
(12:36):
?
And have to be ready so itdoesn't happen to us.
We have to be ready so we don'tbecome a statistic.
No, of course nobody wants tobe one.
No, we don't want it to everhappen, or ever happen again.
Don't you dare become a victim,don't you dare be victimized.
You have to be a part of thesmart club, you have to be one
of the wise ones, you have toset yourself up for never being
set up to be avictim.
And after saying all of this,after sharing all of this, I
guess many of you have questionslike I have Now.
How do you heal, what do you doand how do you move on?
Let me first describe, as Icontinue, the impact of stands
all the victimizing, all theblaming.
It's psychological.
There's an article postedlevel, experts US News Health's
(12:58):
website.
It's called the PsychologicalImpact of Victim Blaming and how
to Stop it.
It's authored by MichaelSchroeder, a former writer.
It states many victims of abusesuffer secondary trauma from
bringing blamed for the harmthey endured almost without fail
(13:20):
.
It states when a person hasbeen the victim of abuse,
psychological experts say thatthe individual experiences shame
, internalizing some of theemotional and mental injury
perpetrated.
And that's in addition to howthe abuse thing, and develop a
the crime, such as physical orsexual, may have also marked a
(13:42):
person physically.
Yep, we are a culture of victimblamers.
The article adds that those whosuffer sexual abuse, especially
from young children topredominantly failed students.
Female students on collegecampuses are frequently blamed
for what happened tothem.
The core of victim blaming isthat we don't want to feel out
(14:06):
of control, since beingvictimized or learning that
someone else was victimizedthreatens to shatter the
illusion that we're always incontrol of what happens to us.
Victim blaming is endemic inour and ultimately stand in the
(14:42):
way of recovery At the basiclevel,.
a And most basic level.
Experts say a person needs tobe free to feel the way they do
and affirmed by those who lovethem so they can process their
feelings.
We need to be validated.
Victim needs to be validated.
It's also important for aperson seeking help to find a
(15:04):
mental health professional theycan trust.
It is recommended that a victimof a violent crime or any
traumatic event find a therapist, one that you can feel
comfortable with, relationshipwith a therapist that is
(15:34):
familiar with your type oftrauma and is able to work with
you through the trauma andall the subsequent results of
the .
I agree wholeheartedly withthis article.
If you have ever experiencedanything traumatic, you're going
to feel how you feel and no onecan tell you how to feel.
You need to PTSD walk throughthis yourself.
(15:57):
You need to walk yourselfthrough it all and you need to
find someone to help you do it.
I have, and you need to ignorethe blamers.
It is your situation.
It has to be processed and ithas to be processed without the
(16:19):
voice of the victimizers andblamers.
Being bombarded with thevictim-blamer narrative can
seriously damage one's mentaland emotional health and even
compromise the way of life andcompromise relationships.
It can change one's self-image.
(16:39):
It can bring more harm to one'sself-esteem, to one's
self-respect, and cause a personto question their own integrity
and character to question theirown integrity and character.
So if you are a victim andyou're suffering and can't seem
to cope effectively, I want youto find help.
(17:00):
The writers go on to mentionthat there are five stages to
PTSD post-traumatic stressdisorder and that if you're
stuck, I want you to check theseout and see if you recognize
yourself in any of them.
I'm going to list them briefly,but if you want to learn more
(17:23):
about them, you can go to thewebsite choosingtherapycom and
look up the article the FiveStages of PTSD Understanding the
Process ofIt defines PTSD as a mental
health condition that candevelop after someone has
(17:44):
experienced or witnessed atraumatic event.
It's more than just feelingstressed or anxious after a
difficult experience.
Ptsd involves persistentsymptoms that can significantly
disrupt a event, of specificplaces, people or activities
(18:10):
that are reminders of the trauma.
Negative changes in thoughts ormood, like feeling detached or
hopeless, or increased arousal,sometimes like being easily
startled.
Feeling intense, havingdifficulty concentrating, having
(18:32):
difficulty concentrating,having difficulty communicating
are all symptoms of thetraumatic experience.
It says PTSD is a long-termeffect that occurs when the body
and mind have troubleprocessing that experience,
leading to those ongoingsymptoms.
(18:52):
Not everyone who experiencestrauma develops PTSD, but it can
be a serious condition forthose who
do.
The first stage is the impactstage, or shock.
The second stage is the denialstage, when you're trying to
minimize the event.
The third stage, I'm sorry, isthe recoil stage, when you're
trying to minimize the event.
The third stage, I'm sorry, isthe recoil stage, when intense,
(19:16):
intrusive memories pop up in ourwaking or sleeping moments.
And the fourth stage is calledintegration.
He where you can finallyarticulate and better express
what has happened.
And the fifth stage is calledthe recovery stage.
It's the stage of growth afterthe event, when you feel you've
stabilized and are able to moveforward and no longer are
(19:39):
dwelling or living in the eventnot
itself.
So, with this and the experienceof being blamed for what has
happened to you or from beingheld partially responsible or
the cause of whatever traumaticevent you've experienced, I want
to remind everyone listeningthat Jesus heals.
His heart is not to condemn,but his love is there to make us
(20:06):
whole.
He is the perfect judge and thelover of our souls.
He is a perfect friend and heknows the truth about every
situation we experience.
He knows our every emotion andour every thought, our every
(20:26):
contemplation.
He knows how we're going toreact to every event before we
even react.
He knows the end from thebeginning and the beginning from
the end.
He knowsthe hows
and the whys and he is" thevoice that matters.
His voice is the voice of love.
(20:46):
So I hope and I want everylistener, every woman, to shut
(21:17):
out the voices of condemnationand doubt and listen to the
voice of the perpetrators, thevictimizers, the blamers and
even our own voice that can beself-condemning and overly to
(23:35):
them "critical.
I'm going to share a littlehistory of a woman in the Bible.
In this history you'll see howJesus shuts down the voice of
the accusers, of the victimizers, of the blamers, the voice of
condemnation and even thewoman's own voice that may have
screamed of unforgivenesstowards the men and even of
herself.
This woman was being for beingan adulterous woman.
her, " Naturally, the men madeno mention of the man who was
committing adultery with her.
Of course not.
It was a clear case of how,even today, women are treated
more harshly than men, treatedwith a double standard, and are
shamed for falling victim tocrime or even
stumbling.
The story is referred to as awoman caught in adultery and is
, chapter 8.
It says At dawn, jesus appearedagain in the temple courts
where all the people gatheredaround him, and he sat down to
teach them.
And as he was speaking, theteachers of religious law and
the Pharisees brought a womanwho had been caught in the act
of adultery and they put in theact of adultery and they put her
in front of the crowd.
Imagine that, teacher, theysaid to Jesus this woman was
caught in the act of adulteryand the law of Moses says to
stone her.
What do you say?
You see, these men, theseteachers, they were actually
trying to trap Jesus into sayingsomething they could use
against him.
But Jesus only stood down andwrote in the dust with his
finger.
But they kept on demanding ananswer.
So he stood up again and saidAll right, but let the one who
down again and wrote in theAnd when the accusers heard
this, they slipped away one byone silently, beginning with the
oldest, until only Jesus wasleft in the middle of the crowd
with the woman.
(23:55):
Then he stood up again and saidto the woman where are your
accusers?
Woman, didn't even one of themcondemn
you?
No, lord, she said.
And Jesus then said to her.
And Jesus then said to herNeither do I Go and sin no more.
(24:18):
You see, these men didn't evenexpect Jesus' compassion and of
course they didn't want hisadmonishment.
(26:05):
- Jesus knew the evil in thewoman's attacker's hearts.
Jesus knew their intent and hereminded them of their but yet
he reminded the men that theyalso sinned.
You see, he didn't condemn herat all.
You see, he didn't condemn herat all.
No one isperfect and we all stumble, so
how dare anyone judge anybody?
How dare anyone judge anyvictim?
With all this being said, youwant to know how do you move
forward.
You want to know how do youmove forward.
You want to despite can youmove forward, how can you
overcome the traumaticevents?
When you find yourself relivingthem, events that are raw and
painful, you may be cravingrevenge.
You may be trying to overcomethe blame.
You may be living in bitternessand anger.
You may be listening to thevoices in your head or the other
voices that provoke you toanger.
I want you to meditate on someverses.
They're found in the Bible, andthe first one is in Leviticus
, chapter 19, verse 18.
And it says to you shall nottake vengeance or bear a grudge
against the sons of your ownpeople when you shall love your
neighbor as yourselfI am the Lord.
This is a beginning to healing.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
I am the Lord.
This is a beginning to healing.
This is a beginning on the roadto
recovery.
In Romans 12, verse 19, itstates Beloved, never avenge
(26:33):
yourselves.
Never avenge yourselves, butleave the wrath to me
.
You see, we're not to beunforgiving.
And you may be saying I've gotto pay them back.
They deserve it.
You may besaying there's no way I can
(27:01):
forgive anybody who's donesomething so cruel and so evil,
but we must forgive, despout theoutrage that we feel.
We cannot let the desire forrevenge, we trauma, and don't
(27:23):
let past hurts your anger, rightnow, turn you off.
Luke, chapter 6, verse 27, itsays but I say to you love your
enemies and do good to those whohate you.
Yes, keep listening as I walkyou through the damage of
unforgiveness, the damage thatunforgiveness does, the damage
(27:47):
that bitterness and hate does.
Let me share with you thebenefits of forgiveness and the
benefits of not seekingvengeance, of not feeding the
fear and the anger.
First, I'm going to describewhat unforgiveness does To our
own souls and to our bodies.
So please pay attention and tryto detect If you see yourself
(28:11):
In any of these followingthings.
One, do you have lingeringanger or resentment?
Two, do you find yourselfreliving the offense, where you
may feel stuck in a loop thatyou can't seem to stop?
Three, do you tend to havenegative thoughts or feelings?
Maybe you regularly havethoughts and feelings or dreams
(28:35):
about the event or the person.
Four, are you living inavoidance?
If you know the person but youactively avoid the person or
avoid being where they might beor avoid situations that remind
you of the offense or the traumamight be, or avoid situations
that remind you of the offenseor the trauma, bringing up
(28:57):
passwords that are unrelated tothe trauma can be really
Being in the environment whereyou experience the trauma can be
damaging.
Are you one of those?
Or - are you a person that isconstantly triggering other
people, causing arguments andcreating conflicts that have
(29:19):
nothing to do with your traumabecause your anger is spilling
over?
Are you creating drama that hasnothing to do with what's
happened to you, but we knowJohns it's truly the source?
Or, finally, do you findyourself plotting or daydreaming
about revenge?
(29:39):
Do you hear yourself in any ofI know I've seen myself in some
and I'm going to describe whatunforgiveness does, what it
actually is it's poisonous.
It's poisonous to your mentalhealth, it's poisonous to your
(30:03):
spirit.
It's poisonous to your body.
There's an enormous physicalburden to being hurt and
disappointed, says Dr KarenSwartz.
She's the director of the MoodDisorders Adult Consultation
(30:25):
Clinic at the John HopkinsHospital.
Chronic.
anger,But she says, puts you into
"sychology"Psychology flightsays.
(32:08):
Forgiveness mode which resultschallenges and changes in your
body.
It affects your heart rate,blood pressure and immune
response.
Those changes then increase therisk of depression, heart
disease and diabetes, amongother conditions.
Now her study also shows thatforgiveness calms stress levels,
leading to improved health.
Additionally, studies havefound that the act of
forgiveness can reap hugerewards for one's own health
lowering the risk of heartattack, improving even
cholesterol levels and sleep,mind you, reducing pain, blood
pressure and levels of anxiety.
Research points to an increasein the forgiveness health
connection as you age.
So you see, medical doctors sayforgiveness is necessary to live
Forgiveness, better and to bebetter.
biblical necessity and prayingfor those who harmed you can
actually help take the edge offof your anger, rage and
tenderhearted, know it helps.
I've practiced it.
So exactly what doesforgiveness look like?
How do you get there?
What does it mean?
(33:26):
.
" What certainly doesn'tforgiven, to forget, as people
often say.
Forgive and forget, but let'scontinue and see what psychology
todayAnd.
\ \Forgiveness, in part, says itis a willingness to drop the
narrative on a particularinjustice, to stop telling
ourselves over and over againthe story of what happened, what
this other person did, how wewere injured, and all the rest
of the upsetting things weremind ourselves in relation to
this unforgivableness.
It's a decision to let the pastbe what it is, to leave it as
is, imperfect and not what wewish it had been and not what we
wish it had been.
Forgiveness means that we stopthe shoulda, coulda, woulda
beens and relinquish the ideathat we could create a different
, better past.
Forgiveness is for everyone.
Forgiveness for the Christianis a biblical
God tells us in Ephesians,chapter 4, verse 32, that we're
to be kind to one another Verse32, that we're to be kind to one
another, tenderheartedforgiving of one another, as
Christ forgave us.
In 2 Corinthians, chapter 2, itsays anyone whom you forgive, I
also forgive what I haveforgiven.
Jesus says, indeed, I haveforgiven anything.
If I have forgiven anything, ithas been for your sake.
And in continuing, it says sothat we would not be outwitted
(33:46):
by Satan, who are not ignorantof his designs.
That's a quote by the ApostlePaul In Colossians, chapter 3,
it says, and next, and verypowerfully, it says in Luke,
(34:10):
chapter 6, and very powerfully,it says in Luke, chapter 6, do
not judge and you will not bejudged.
Do not condemn and you will notbe condemned.
Forgive and you will beforgiven.
And that also means we're tonot to condemn ourselves, we're
not to judge ourselves, we'renot to everyone.
(36:22):
condemn anyoneor judge anyone, but be kind
and loving to ourselves and to Iwant I'm each not ignoring the
level of hurt or the level oftrauma.
I'm not ignoring the voices ofanxiety, the voices that condemn
from wherever they come Jesusfrom.
But I want each one of us toturn off the unforgiveness, to
turn off the speaking, "as toshut down the blamers, the
victimizers, and turn toforgiveness.
Forgiveness is not saying youwere not 36, " by what the other
person did.
Forgiveness is not saying yourpain is gone.
Forgiveness is not sayingyou're back
being the person you were beforeit happened.
Forgiveness is not saying lifecan now pick up where you left
off.
You feel the way you did before, as if what happened never
happened.
No, it's not saying that.
Forgiveness is not saying youno longer believe the other
person was responsible forcausing harm.
Forgiveness is not saying youexcuse the other person's
behavior.
It's not saying you no longerview what happened as important.
It's not saying it So, wasn'ttraumatic.
Forgiveness is not saying youshare the blame for what
happened, and it's not sayingyou can never forget what
happened and it's not saying youcan never forget it ever.
What it is saying is, despitethe trauma and the blamers and
deflectors andthe gaslighters, is that
forgiveness is necessary forsays, "you and a must for the
believer.
It's a must forI want all of us to be on the
road to recovery.
I want each one of us to take aconscientious, step-by-step
walk to healing.
Each one of us to take aconscientious, step-by-step walk
to healing.
I want us to remember, aboveall, that Jesus loves you.
(36:42):
Yes, jesus loves you.
He says so.
His love heals.
In John 15, we can hear Jesusspeaking as a father has loved
me, so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
It says in Psalm 36,.
How precious is your steadfastlove, o God, the children of
(37:10):
mankind take refuge in theshadow of your
wings.
In closing, my awesomelisteners, my awesome women,
please try to focus on forgivingwhen pondering the betrayal,
when pondering the beating andreliving the attempted murder,
(37:31):
or remembering any person whotraumatized you, or remembering
who it was that tried to takeyour life or victimize you in
any way, even if you're notChristian or not believer.
Most people understand theconcept of forgiveness and the
(37:52):
need to forgive and howimportant it is to move forward.
So I ask of you to work onforgiveness, work on moving
beyond the trauma.
Yes, work on forgiving.
Make it a regular part of yourdaily life and I do believe you
(38:16):
can slowly see your levels ofanger, depression and anxiety
decrease over time.
In the Song of Solomon, chapter4, it says you are altogether
beautiful, my love, love, thereis no flaw in you until next
(38:40):
time.
Be blessed and let truth andlove drip into your soul.
God bless you.
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New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!