October 16, 2024 • 8 mins
Why focusing on yourself is not only not selfish, but also benefits everyone around you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:14):
Hey, my friends.
I was scrolling the socials theother day and I saw someone post
something saying that peopletelling you to focus on yourself
is demon talk. And this made mesnort, because that is just a
wild thing to say. But I'veheard variations of it all the
(00:37):
time, usually in Christiancircles. And I want to talk
about this a little bit, becauseas women, we tend to get
socialized to believe someversion of this. I know I've
believed a version of thisbefore: this idea that focusing
on yourself is selfish or bad,or in the case of this post,
(01:00):
straight up evil.
(01:20):
I would ask anyone who believesthis, if they think it's selfish
or bad or evil, to brush yourteeth. Isn't brushing your teeth
focusing on yourself? Isn'tgoing to the doctor? Isn't
eating food? These are allthings that focus on ourselves.
You focus on yourself every timeyou decide you're hungry and you
reach for a snack. Oh, butthat's not what they mean when
(01:44):
they say things like that. No,they mean don't focus on things
that tend to your emotional ormental health. Don't listen to
your dreams, don't learn yourdislikes and likes. Don't be a
unique individual. Follow theprescribed path that
someone else has told you youshould want.
Do what you're told.
(02:19):
Right? That's what it reallymeans.
Why would someone, be it anindividual or an institution,
not want you to pay attention toyour mental or emotional health?
If you don't brush your teeth,your teeth will rot out of your
(02:41):
head. If you don't getantibiotics to treat an
infection, you can die. If youdon't tend to your emotional or
mental health, the consequencescan be just as dire. The
physical body and the mind andspirit are all connected. They
can't be separated. If you wantto be healthy, you cannot just
(03:04):
mind one aspect. You cannot justbrush your teeth and expect to
be completely healthy. You musttend
the whole of you to be well.
I think this idea that it isselfish or wrong to focus on
yourself is completely toxic.
The only reason an individual oran institution would want you to
not tend to yourself is thatthey want you sick. They want
(03:26):
you sick because it is easier tomanipulate and control the sick.
(03:51):
If all of us had focused more onourselves, I don't think any of
us would have ended up in toxicrelationships. It is only when
you are taught that you comelast, that your needs are the
least important, that you willtolerate the kind of bullshit
that happens in toxicrelationships. When you think
focusing on yourself is selfish,you might not even consider what
(04:14):
kind of relationship youactually want in the first
place. You might not get to knowyourself and you don't develop
the kind of self love and selfconfidence that keeps safe from
toxic relationships.
I know this is true for me.
I know if I had focused more ondeveloping a healthy and loving
(04:36):
relationship with myself, ratherthan trying to outsource it from
other people, none of my worstexperiences would have happened
to me. I wouldn't have been in arelationship with that boyfriend
who sexually assaulted me.
Because he was despicable longbefore he ever did that. If I
had loved myself, I wouldn'thave been with him. I wouldn't
have tolerated him. If I hadloved myself, I wouldn't have
(05:01):
tolerated all the red flags leftby my abusive ex. But I didn't
love myself. I didn't cultivatethat until much later. Because
those days, I was taught thatsame toxic message that I
shouldn't focus on myself. Selfdiscovery and honoring yourself
(05:21):
and listening to your own innerknowing, none of those things
are what I was supposedlysupposed to do.
I was supposed to do what thechurch leaders said I should do.
I think that's significant, myfriends, and it's telling. When
(05:43):
you never focus on yourself, youcan't develop a trust with
yourself. When you don't developa trust in yourself, you rely on
other people to tell you what todo. Which is kind of the point,
my friends.
It's the ones who want to tellyou what to do that are invested
in keeping you unwell, that areinvested in keeping you from
(06:05):
tending to yourself. Those arethe ones that are telling you
not to focus on yourself. Theytell you that focusing on
yourself is selfish. They wouldhave you believe that you can
either be selfish or selfless.
But this is a false dichotomy.
It's not either or. Just becauseyou focus on your own needs does
(06:29):
not make you selfish. It doesnot make you a better person to
diminish yourself. The worldneeds you who you uniquely are,
your unique gifts and abilities.
But if you never focus onyourself long enough to learn
what those are or develop those,we all miss out on those. The
world gets deprived of you andeverything you have to offer. I
(06:53):
think focusing on yourselfactually lets you be the best
version of you possible. And Ithink everyone benefits when we
are the best version ofourselves. Focusing on ourselves
doesn't mean NEVER consideringothers. I think you can focus on
yourself and also be incrediblyconsiderate of others. I also
(07:18):
think being considerate is waybetter than being supposedly
selfless.
Because let's be real. No onewants to be friends with a
martyr.
I don't want someone to hurtthemselves to supposedly help
me. That doesn't feel good.
(07:55):
It's toxic people who don't careif you have to hurt yourself to
help them. A healthy personwould never want that from you.
There's a concept in Buddhismwhere to do no harm, you must
(08:17):
include yourself. That if you dosomething good for someone that
hurts yourself, it isn'tactually a good thing.
The harm that you cause yourselfnegates the good that you tried
to do. To truly do good, it mustharm none, including yourself.
(08:41):
And I'm not saying that we neverdo self sacrificing things.
There are situations where Iwill put someone else ahead of
me, but those are short term,rare instances that are chosen
deliberately. And I am able todo that because I do take care
of my mental and emotionalhealth. It lets me be actually
(09:02):
available for things like thaton occasion.
But it isn't the norm, and itwouldn't be healthy for it to
be.
And so that's what I want toleave you to think about this
week, my friends, does thebelief that you shouldn't focus
on yourself show up anywhere inyour life?
(09:24):
And is it really true?
All right, my friends. Untilnext time, be well.
Hey, my friends.
I was scrolling the socials theother day and I saw someone post
something saying that peopletelling you to focus on yourself
is demon talk. And this made mesnort, because that is just a
wild thing to say. But I'veheard variations of it all the
(00:37):
time, usually in Christiancircles. And I want to talk
about this a little bit, becauseas women, we tend to get
socialized to believe someversion of this. I know I've
believed a version of thisbefore: this idea that focusing
on yourself is selfish or bad,or in the case of this post,
(01:00):
straight up evil.
(01:20):
I would ask anyone who believesthis, if they think it's selfish
or bad or evil, to brush yourteeth. Isn't brushing your teeth
focusing on yourself? Isn'tgoing to the doctor? Isn't
eating food? These are allthings that focus on ourselves.
You focus on yourself every timeyou decide you're hungry and you
reach for a snack. Oh, butthat's not what they mean when
(01:44):
they say things like that. No,they mean don't focus on things
that tend to your emotional ormental health. Don't listen to
your dreams, don't learn yourdislikes and likes. Don't be a
unique individual. Follow theprescribed path that
someone else has told you youshould want.
Do what you're told.
(02:19):
Right? That's what it reallymeans.
Why would someone, be it anindividual or an institution,
not want you to pay attention toyour mental or emotional health?
If you don't brush your teeth,your teeth will rot out of your
(02:41):
head. If you don't getantibiotics to treat an
infection, you can die. If youdon't tend to your emotional or
mental health, the consequencescan be just as dire. The
physical body and the mind andspirit are all connected. They
can't be separated. If you wantto be healthy, you cannot just
(03:04):
mind one aspect. You cannot justbrush your teeth and expect to
be completely healthy. You musttend
the whole of you to be well.
I think this idea that it isselfish or wrong to focus on
yourself is completely toxic.
The only reason an individual oran institution would want you to
not tend to yourself is thatthey want you sick. They want
(03:26):
you sick because it is easier tomanipulate and control the sick.
(03:51):
If all of us had focused more onourselves, I don't think any of
us would have ended up in toxicrelationships. It is only when
you are taught that you comelast, that your needs are the
least important, that you willtolerate the kind of bullshit
that happens in toxicrelationships. When you think
focusing on yourself is selfish,you might not even consider what
(04:14):
kind of relationship youactually want in the first
place. You might not get to knowyourself and you don't develop
the kind of self love and selfconfidence that keeps safe from
toxic relationships.
I know this is true for me.
I know if I had focused more ondeveloping a healthy and loving
(04:36):
relationship with myself, ratherthan trying to outsource it from
other people, none of my worstexperiences would have happened
to me. I wouldn't have been in arelationship with that boyfriend
who sexually assaulted me.
Because he was despicable longbefore he ever did that. If I
had loved myself, I wouldn'thave been with him. I wouldn't
have tolerated him. If I hadloved myself, I wouldn't have
(05:01):
tolerated all the red flags leftby my abusive ex. But I didn't
love myself. I didn't cultivatethat until much later. Because
those days, I was taught thatsame toxic message that I
shouldn't focus on myself. Selfdiscovery and honoring yourself
(05:21):
and listening to your own innerknowing, none of those things
are what I was supposedlysupposed to do.
I was supposed to do what thechurch leaders said I should do.
I think that's significant, myfriends, and it's telling. When
(05:43):
you never focus on yourself, youcan't develop a trust with
yourself. When you don't developa trust in yourself, you rely on
other people to tell you what todo. Which is kind of the point,
my friends.
It's the ones who want to tellyou what to do that are invested
in keeping you unwell, that areinvested in keeping you from
(06:05):
tending to yourself. Those arethe ones that are telling you
not to focus on yourself. Theytell you that focusing on
yourself is selfish. They wouldhave you believe that you can
either be selfish or selfless.
But this is a false dichotomy.
It's not either or. Just becauseyou focus on your own needs does
(06:29):
not make you selfish. It doesnot make you a better person to
diminish yourself. The worldneeds you who you uniquely are,
your unique gifts and abilities.
But if you never focus onyourself long enough to learn
what those are or develop those,we all miss out on those. The
world gets deprived of you andeverything you have to offer. I
(06:53):
think focusing on yourselfactually lets you be the best
version of you possible. And Ithink everyone benefits when we
are the best version ofourselves. Focusing on ourselves
doesn't mean NEVER consideringothers. I think you can focus on
yourself and also be incrediblyconsiderate of others. I also
(07:18):
think being considerate is waybetter than being supposedly
selfless.
Because let's be real. No onewants to be friends with a
martyr.
I don't want someone to hurtthemselves to supposedly help
me. That doesn't feel good.
(07:55):
It's toxic people who don't careif you have to hurt yourself to
help them. A healthy personwould never want that from you.
There's a concept in Buddhismwhere to do no harm, you must
(08:17):
include yourself. That if you dosomething good for someone that
hurts yourself, it isn'tactually a good thing.
The harm that you cause yourselfnegates the good that you tried
to do. To truly do good, it mustharm none, including yourself.
(08:41):
And I'm not saying that we neverdo self sacrificing things.
There are situations where Iwill put someone else ahead of
me, but those are short term,rare instances that are chosen
deliberately. And I am able todo that because I do take care
of my mental and emotionalhealth. It lets me be actually
(09:02):
available for things like thaton occasion.
But it isn't the norm, and itwouldn't be healthy for it to
be.
And so that's what I want toleave you to think about this
week, my friends, does thebelief that you shouldn't focus
on yourself show up anywhere inyour life?
(09:24):
And is it really true?
All right, my friends. Untilnext time, be well.
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