January 22, 2025 • 8 mins
This episode contains the key to avoiding indecision and moving forward towards what you want in life.
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey my friends,What is the biggest obstacle in
(00:21):
the way of you setting andmaintaining boundaries?
What is the biggest obstacle inthe way of not people pleasing?
I think for most people, it issomething along the lines of
being worried about what peoplewill think of you. Fearing what
(00:46):
people think, at its core, isjust the fear of being
(01:15):
uncomfortable.
It is fearing the uncomfortablefeelings you anticipate you will
have should people be displeasedwith you. I think it ends up
very empowering when you realizethat what you actually fear is
your own feelings aboutsomething, not necessarily the
thing itself. The thing itselfholds no sway if you
(01:39):
miraculously did not have thefeelings you think you would
I do want to acknowledge thoughthe intensity of the discomfort
have about it.
(02:03):
that this can bring up. I tellyou, I have this thing
specifically about authorityfigures, especially male
authority figures, beingdispleased with me. And like I
can trace it to a specifictrauma as its origin. But the
(02:24):
fact remains, if I think a manin a position of power is going
to be displeased with me, I gointo full nervous system
activation. It's awful. It's thesame fucking reaction my body
would have if I was facing anattacker with a knife. Nervous
system activation is nervoussystem activation. The nervous
(02:46):
system doesn't give a fuck aboutthe difference between emailing
(03:27):
an executive and dealing with anattacker with a knife. It senses
danger in both of thosescenarios and floods my system
with the exact same damnchemicals either way.
It fucking sucks.
It makes sense that I would wantto avoid that activation. If I
can't avoid interaction withmale authority figures entirely,
(03:49):
it makes sense that my nextinstinct is to go into fawning
and people pleasing mode to tryand make it so they won't be
displeased with me and I won'tbe shitting myself scared.
(05:20):
It makes sense, and it might notbe always how I want to behave.
Maybe there are times where Idecide, yep, this particular
executive is nasty and I do wantto avoid their displeasure, if
(05:42):
at all possible. But there mightbe some situations where I don't
want to do that behavior. I haveto figure out how to get around
this.
We have to realize that there isno path that has no discomfort.
(06:03):
Being somewhere you don't wantto be and behaving in ways that
you don't want to behave has itsown kind of discomfort. If I
people please someone when Ireally don't want to, there is
discomfort to that. It may beshame ,or self loathing ,or
regret, but it has its owndiscomfort, whatever that form
(06:23):
is. It is extremely powerful torealize that there is discomfort
in either path. It is a matterof choosing the discomfort that
I want to have. I thinksometimes we get stuck because
(06:45):
we want there to be an optionwith no discomfort.
I have to tell you that there isno such thing.
The only time you will have nodiscomfort at all is when you
are no longer alive. When youcan really come to terms with
there not being this magicalpath that avoids all discomfort,
(07:08):
you can begin to look at thechoices you do have, and examine
both their benefits and theirpotential discomfort and make a
real choice about what you want.
I might want the benefit ofbeing able to stand up for
myself no matter who is on theother side, even if it is a male
figure of authority. I mightwant to have that benefit.
(07:32):
Choosing that benefit is alsochoosing the discomfort of the
terror of my nervous systemactivation. I can't have one
without the other.
If I don't want the discomfortof my nervous system activation,
then I am choosing the selfloathing of people pleasing when
I don't really want to. Eitherway I'm going to have
(07:56):
discomfort.
It's my choice which one I wantto have.
I don't have to like it, butthat's the reality of it.
The human experience doesn'tcome with a never be
uncomfortableoption. I reallywish it did, but it doesn't.
Accepting that lets you go forwhat you really want. It keeps
(08:19):
you from being stuck. We made achoice like this when we left
(08:40):
our toxic relationships. Therewas the discomfort of being
inside that relationship,whatever that looked like for
you. For me, it looked likewalking on eggshells all the
time and living in fear of whathe was going to do next. And
then there was the discomfort ofleaving and the unknown on the
(09:01):
other side of that. For me, thatwas the fear of not knowing if I
would survive on my own or evenif I could make it out. There
was fear either way; there wasdiscomfort either way. I chose
the discomfort that provided mea chance at freedom and
happiness.
(09:23):
Because there was no optionwithout discomfort.
The human brain has a biastowards the familiar so it can
feel safer to choose thediscomfort that we're familiar
with than it is to choose newdiscomfort. But the short of it
is that our discomfort islimited to our own range of
(09:47):
emotions. Fear is fear, whetherit is the fear of your partner
or the fear of the unknown.
(10:09):
One of the specific fears I hadabout leaving my abusive
marriage was homelessness. I wasafraid of being homeless. What I
was actually afraid of though ishow I would feel about being
homeless. It was the anticipatedshame and fear and sense of
failure that I was really afraidof. I watched a video of an
(10:34):
interview with a homeless personA while ago, and the interviewer
was asking if she had anyregrets, if she would change
anything about her situation.
She said, No, she didn't needanything different. She felt
completely content in her life.
What's wild about that is, I, assomeone who has all the typical
(10:56):
markers of success, have neverfelt that level of contentment
in my life ever. It is not aboutthe state of homelessness. Is
about how you feel about it. Ifeared my feelings about it.
This woman didn't have the samefeelings I have about it. She
was experiencing a level ofhappiness and contentment I may
(11:20):
never experience in my lifetime.
When we come to understand thatwhat we tend to fear the most is
actually our own feelings, itbrings such an opportunity for
freedom from those fears. Irealized that what I fear is the
feelings of shame, fear andfailure. You can also realize
(11:44):
that all of those things arejust sensations in the body.
Can I feel shame in my body andbe okay?
Can I feel fear in my body andbe okay?
Can I feel a sense of failure inmy body and be okay? The answer
is, yes, I have felt all ofthose things before and more,
(12:04):
and have been okay. And I canfeel them again and be okay.
So my friends, if there is apath you want to go down but you
(12:32):
have been holding back out offear, I challenge you to name
the feelings you are afraid ofhaving and ask yourself if you
can feel that in your body andbe okay. Ask yourself what
discomfort you are choosing now.
What discomfort would you ratherchoose instead? And then see if
those fears have the same holdon you as they did before.
(12:55):
Alright My friends, until nexttime be well.
Hey my friends,What is the biggest obstacle in
(00:21):
the way of you setting andmaintaining boundaries?
What is the biggest obstacle inthe way of not people pleasing?
I think for most people, it issomething along the lines of
being worried about what peoplewill think of you. Fearing what
(00:46):
people think, at its core, isjust the fear of being
(01:15):
uncomfortable.
It is fearing the uncomfortablefeelings you anticipate you will
have should people be displeasedwith you. I think it ends up
very empowering when you realizethat what you actually fear is
your own feelings aboutsomething, not necessarily the
thing itself. The thing itselfholds no sway if you
(01:39):
miraculously did not have thefeelings you think you would
I do want to acknowledge thoughthe intensity of the discomfort
have about it.
(02:03):
that this can bring up. I tellyou, I have this thing
specifically about authorityfigures, especially male
authority figures, beingdispleased with me. And like I
can trace it to a specifictrauma as its origin. But the
(02:24):
fact remains, if I think a manin a position of power is going
to be displeased with me, I gointo full nervous system
activation. It's awful. It's thesame fucking reaction my body
would have if I was facing anattacker with a knife. Nervous
system activation is nervoussystem activation. The nervous
(02:46):
system doesn't give a fuck aboutthe difference between emailing
(03:27):
an executive and dealing with anattacker with a knife. It senses
danger in both of thosescenarios and floods my system
with the exact same damnchemicals either way.
It fucking sucks.
It makes sense that I would wantto avoid that activation. If I
can't avoid interaction withmale authority figures entirely,
(03:49):
it makes sense that my nextinstinct is to go into fawning
and people pleasing mode to tryand make it so they won't be
displeased with me and I won'tbe shitting myself scared.
(05:20):
It makes sense, and it might notbe always how I want to behave.
Maybe there are times where Idecide, yep, this particular
executive is nasty and I do wantto avoid their displeasure, if
(05:42):
at all possible. But there mightbe some situations where I don't
want to do that behavior. I haveto figure out how to get around
this.
We have to realize that there isno path that has no discomfort.
(06:03):
Being somewhere you don't wantto be and behaving in ways that
you don't want to behave has itsown kind of discomfort. If I
people please someone when Ireally don't want to, there is
discomfort to that. It may beshame ,or self loathing ,or
regret, but it has its owndiscomfort, whatever that form
(06:23):
is. It is extremely powerful torealize that there is discomfort
in either path. It is a matterof choosing the discomfort that
I want to have. I thinksometimes we get stuck because
(06:45):
we want there to be an optionwith no discomfort.
I have to tell you that there isno such thing.
The only time you will have nodiscomfort at all is when you
are no longer alive. When youcan really come to terms with
there not being this magicalpath that avoids all discomfort,
(07:08):
you can begin to look at thechoices you do have, and examine
both their benefits and theirpotential discomfort and make a
real choice about what you want.
I might want the benefit ofbeing able to stand up for
myself no matter who is on theother side, even if it is a male
figure of authority. I mightwant to have that benefit.
(07:32):
Choosing that benefit is alsochoosing the discomfort of the
terror of my nervous systemactivation. I can't have one
without the other.
If I don't want the discomfortof my nervous system activation,
then I am choosing the selfloathing of people pleasing when
I don't really want to. Eitherway I'm going to have
(07:56):
discomfort.
It's my choice which one I wantto have.
I don't have to like it, butthat's the reality of it.
The human experience doesn'tcome with a never be
uncomfortableoption. I reallywish it did, but it doesn't.
Accepting that lets you go forwhat you really want. It keeps
(08:19):
you from being stuck. We made achoice like this when we left
(08:40):
our toxic relationships. Therewas the discomfort of being
inside that relationship,whatever that looked like for
you. For me, it looked likewalking on eggshells all the
time and living in fear of whathe was going to do next. And
then there was the discomfort ofleaving and the unknown on the
(09:01):
other side of that. For me, thatwas the fear of not knowing if I
would survive on my own or evenif I could make it out. There
was fear either way; there wasdiscomfort either way. I chose
the discomfort that provided mea chance at freedom and
happiness.
(09:23):
Because there was no optionwithout discomfort.
The human brain has a biastowards the familiar so it can
feel safer to choose thediscomfort that we're familiar
with than it is to choose newdiscomfort. But the short of it
is that our discomfort islimited to our own range of
(09:47):
emotions. Fear is fear, whetherit is the fear of your partner
or the fear of the unknown.
(10:09):
One of the specific fears I hadabout leaving my abusive
marriage was homelessness. I wasafraid of being homeless. What I
was actually afraid of though ishow I would feel about being
homeless. It was the anticipatedshame and fear and sense of
failure that I was really afraidof. I watched a video of an
(10:34):
interview with a homeless personA while ago, and the interviewer
was asking if she had anyregrets, if she would change
anything about her situation.
She said, No, she didn't needanything different. She felt
completely content in her life.
What's wild about that is, I, assomeone who has all the typical
(10:56):
markers of success, have neverfelt that level of contentment
in my life ever. It is not aboutthe state of homelessness. Is
about how you feel about it. Ifeared my feelings about it.
This woman didn't have the samefeelings I have about it. She
was experiencing a level ofhappiness and contentment I may
(11:20):
never experience in my lifetime.
When we come to understand thatwhat we tend to fear the most is
actually our own feelings, itbrings such an opportunity for
freedom from those fears. Irealized that what I fear is the
feelings of shame, fear andfailure. You can also realize
(11:44):
that all of those things arejust sensations in the body.
Can I feel shame in my body andbe okay?
Can I feel fear in my body andbe okay?
Can I feel a sense of failure inmy body and be okay? The answer
is, yes, I have felt all ofthose things before and more,
(12:04):
and have been okay. And I canfeel them again and be okay.
So my friends, if there is apath you want to go down but you
(12:32):
have been holding back out offear, I challenge you to name
the feelings you are afraid ofhaving and ask yourself if you
can feel that in your body andbe okay. Ask yourself what
discomfort you are choosing now.
What discomfort would you ratherchoose instead? And then see if
those fears have the same holdon you as they did before.
(12:55):
Alright My friends, until nexttime be well.
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