January 29, 2025 • 9 mins
This episode details what worked well for me in helping me move on from my abusive marriage.
Find out more about my work: www.melindagerdungcoaching.com
Book a session with me: https://calendly.com/gerdungmelinda/coaching-session
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Episode Transcript
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(00:19):
Hey my friends. A few monthsafter I left my abusive
marriage, I was trying reallyhard to move on with my life. I
had finally moved out of mygrandma's spare room, and I was
starting a new job and justreally trying to move forward
with my life except that all thedetails of my marriage were like
(00:47):
looping through my head all daylong.
(01:23):
Sometimes I would have like,imaginary arguments in my head
justifying my decision to leave.
So I was physically out andphysically in a much different
place. Mentally, I was kind ofstuck there. And I want to talk
about how I got unstuck fromthat, because it isn't a good
place to stay stuck.
(01:49):
The first and probably mostimportant thing, or important
part of getting unstuck wasprocessing the trauma of it all.
A lot of the time, if you arelike having looping thoughts, it
can indicate unresolved traumathat needs to be processed. I
(02:09):
did that through EMDR therapy.
There are a lot of differentmodalities and ways of doing it,
but it is very important to seea licensed professional after
leaving a toxic orabusiverelationship.
I don't think I can stress thatenough. I think it is so so
important. In fact, I think itis so important, I will not even
(02:33):
take a coaching client if theyhave not seen a therapist for
their trauma. Because to me, itwould be unethical to try to
coach someone into the what'snext phase of their life, while
ignoring that trauma piece.
Because you can't move forwardif you have not processed and
shut down that trauma. It isreally important my friends to
(02:54):
take care of that.
(03:15):
It's really obvious when someonehasn't properly processed their
trauma, because they can't stoptalking about it, talking about
the thing. I remember, I went tothis one meetup at a bar, and
this couple that were there hadin the last year left the Mormon
cult. And like, I relate to thatspecific trauma, and I
(03:38):
understand it, and I sympathizewith it really well, because
I've done that too. But it waslike all they talked about.
So as much sympathy as I havefor that, you know, it's really
irritating to go out to a bar tohang out and blow off some steam
and have a good time, and thensomeone you barely just met
starts trauma dumping all overyou. It's really not cool and
(04:03):
really inappropriate. It'sreally important to process it
with a professional both foryour own well being, and so you
don't walk around trauma dumpingall over people. Now, processing
it isn't the end all be all, butit is a very important part. The
(04:27):
next piece is really making thedecision not to focus on it
anymore. Because at some point,it's almost like you have a
habit of thinking about it. Soyou have to make the conscious
effort to put your focuselsewhere. I always encourage
(04:50):
abuse survivors to take up a newhobby or learn a new skill. Part
of that is to help buildconfidence, but part of it is to
give yourself something else tofocus on. To mentally be in a
different place.
One of the challenges I hadfirst coming outwas relating to
(05:14):
people. I was totally like thatguy in the bar. Because when you
are still in that traumatizedplace, you do want to talk about
it. It seems dumb to talk aboutgetting your nails done when
there is like serious shitswirling around in your brain.
But that was one of the things Ihad to learn to do was find
(05:41):
other things to talk about. Toactively decide that not
everyone needed to know that Iwas divorced or had to hear
anything about it.
I had to realize that it wasn'tthe most important thing about
my life. It seems so big, likesuch a big event, that it was
(06:06):
easy to attach so muchimportance to it. I had to make
the conscious decision to belike, You know what? I don't
want this to be my definingthing. I want to be more than
this divorce. I don't want to bedefined by this. It can be nice
to think about what you want foryour future and start making
(06:29):
plans for that. The caveat forthat though is to be mindful of
how thinking about the futureaffects you. So as someone with
an anxiety disorder, sometimesI'm okay to think about the
future, but sometimes if I tryto think about the two distant
future, it spurs like a lot ofanxiety. Because there are so
(06:50):
many unknown factors. So ifyou're like me, and you skew
that way, it can be helpful tojust dial back the timeline of
the future that you think about.
Like think about what could befun to do this weekend, instead
of where do I see myself in fiveyears?
(07:18):
I try to think of things that Iwant to try, that I've never
tried, and try to plan for that.
There's a lot of freedom thatyou have outside of these
relationships, and it can bereally fun to try to explore
some of that freedom and focuson that instead of focusing on
the past and the what ifs and ifonlys. One of the reasons I like
fiction books so much is thatwhen I'm in the middle of a
(07:44):
novel, it gives me something funto think about, even when I'm
not actively reading it. I thinkabout food a lot. Actually, I
bet a lot of us do. I feel likeI'm always thinking about what I
want to cook this week or whatfood I want to try. New
relationships can be a greatfocus, and that doesn't have to
(08:06):
be a romantic relationship. Itcan be new friendships. A lot of
times in those toxicrelationships your friends
circle shrinks because theydidn't like you to have friends.
So it can be a new thing tofocus on is going out and
meeting new people and findingnew friends. It doesn't have to
(08:27):
be, you know, a new romanticrelationship. But just for a
full disclosure, I did find thata rebound relationship was
really helpful, not something Ilook back on with any fondness,
but it was definitely useful.
(08:51):
These days, I hardly ever thinkabout my previous marriage. The
only time I think about it iswhen I'm thinking about what
would be helpful to talk abouton the podcast, or if I have
some sort of emotional triggerhappen, and I'm like, Where the
fuck did that come from?
Honestly, those come more frommy childhood than from my
marriage, like I hardly everthink about it. Even in those
(09:15):
instances where I do think aboutit, it doesn't cause me any
distress, because it is just notimportant to me anymore. Like,
there's so many more importantthings living in my brain right
now, not even all of thempleasant. Like I have different
problems to think about now. NowI think a lot about my hip pain
(09:38):
and like, when I'm going to dosomething, I try to think about,
like, how would an elderlyperson do this? That's where I'm
at right now, and that is justso much more important than
anything the past could hold.
And that's really what I want toshare with you here, that you
(10:01):
are so much more and your lifeis so much bigger than that
relationship. It doesn't have toremain your focus. There are so
many interesting things out inthe world to do and think about
and talk about. Moving on meansletting yourself embrace that.
You have to allow yourself tolet go of the thing, even though
(10:24):
it feels so significant. Itdoesn't have to be. You can make
it smaller in your mind.
A lot of moving on is justshifting focus, and that's a
choice that we make. A choicethat starts out a little
difficult to implement, buteventually becomes second
(10:46):
nature. So that's what I havefor you this week, my friends.
Till next time, well.
Hey my friends. A few monthsafter I left my abusive
marriage, I was trying reallyhard to move on with my life. I
had finally moved out of mygrandma's spare room, and I was
starting a new job and justreally trying to move forward
with my life except that all thedetails of my marriage were like
(00:47):
looping through my head all daylong.
(01:23):
Sometimes I would have like,imaginary arguments in my head
justifying my decision to leave.
So I was physically out andphysically in a much different
place. Mentally, I was kind ofstuck there. And I want to talk
about how I got unstuck fromthat, because it isn't a good
place to stay stuck.
(01:49):
The first and probably mostimportant thing, or important
part of getting unstuck wasprocessing the trauma of it all.
A lot of the time, if you arelike having looping thoughts, it
can indicate unresolved traumathat needs to be processed. I
(02:09):
did that through EMDR therapy.
There are a lot of differentmodalities and ways of doing it,
but it is very important to seea licensed professional after
leaving a toxic orabusiverelationship.
I don't think I can stress thatenough. I think it is so so
important. In fact, I think itis so important, I will not even
(02:33):
take a coaching client if theyhave not seen a therapist for
their trauma. Because to me, itwould be unethical to try to
coach someone into the what'snext phase of their life, while
ignoring that trauma piece.
Because you can't move forwardif you have not processed and
shut down that trauma. It isreally important my friends to
(02:54):
take care of that.
(03:15):
It's really obvious when someonehasn't properly processed their
trauma, because they can't stoptalking about it, talking about
the thing. I remember, I went tothis one meetup at a bar, and
this couple that were there hadin the last year left the Mormon
cult. And like, I relate to thatspecific trauma, and I
(03:38):
understand it, and I sympathizewith it really well, because
I've done that too. But it waslike all they talked about.
So as much sympathy as I havefor that, you know, it's really
irritating to go out to a bar tohang out and blow off some steam
and have a good time, and thensomeone you barely just met
starts trauma dumping all overyou. It's really not cool and
(04:03):
really inappropriate. It'sreally important to process it
with a professional both foryour own well being, and so you
don't walk around trauma dumpingall over people. Now, processing
it isn't the end all be all, butit is a very important part. The
(04:27):
next piece is really making thedecision not to focus on it
anymore. Because at some point,it's almost like you have a
habit of thinking about it. Soyou have to make the conscious
effort to put your focuselsewhere. I always encourage
(04:50):
abuse survivors to take up a newhobby or learn a new skill. Part
of that is to help buildconfidence, but part of it is to
give yourself something else tofocus on. To mentally be in a
different place.
One of the challenges I hadfirst coming outwas relating to
(05:14):
people. I was totally like thatguy in the bar. Because when you
are still in that traumatizedplace, you do want to talk about
it. It seems dumb to talk aboutgetting your nails done when
there is like serious shitswirling around in your brain.
But that was one of the things Ihad to learn to do was find
(05:41):
other things to talk about. Toactively decide that not
everyone needed to know that Iwas divorced or had to hear
anything about it.
I had to realize that it wasn'tthe most important thing about
my life. It seems so big, likesuch a big event, that it was
(06:06):
easy to attach so muchimportance to it. I had to make
the conscious decision to belike, You know what? I don't
want this to be my definingthing. I want to be more than
this divorce. I don't want to bedefined by this. It can be nice
to think about what you want foryour future and start making
(06:29):
plans for that. The caveat forthat though is to be mindful of
how thinking about the futureaffects you. So as someone with
an anxiety disorder, sometimesI'm okay to think about the
future, but sometimes if I tryto think about the two distant
future, it spurs like a lot ofanxiety. Because there are so
(06:50):
many unknown factors. So ifyou're like me, and you skew
that way, it can be helpful tojust dial back the timeline of
the future that you think about.
Like think about what could befun to do this weekend, instead
of where do I see myself in fiveyears?
(07:18):
I try to think of things that Iwant to try, that I've never
tried, and try to plan for that.
There's a lot of freedom thatyou have outside of these
relationships, and it can bereally fun to try to explore
some of that freedom and focuson that instead of focusing on
the past and the what ifs and ifonlys. One of the reasons I like
fiction books so much is thatwhen I'm in the middle of a
(07:44):
novel, it gives me something funto think about, even when I'm
not actively reading it. I thinkabout food a lot. Actually, I
bet a lot of us do. I feel likeI'm always thinking about what I
want to cook this week or whatfood I want to try. New
relationships can be a greatfocus, and that doesn't have to
(08:06):
be a romantic relationship. Itcan be new friendships. A lot of
times in those toxicrelationships your friends
circle shrinks because theydidn't like you to have friends.
So it can be a new thing tofocus on is going out and
meeting new people and findingnew friends. It doesn't have to
(08:27):
be, you know, a new romanticrelationship. But just for a
full disclosure, I did find thata rebound relationship was
really helpful, not something Ilook back on with any fondness,
but it was definitely useful.
(08:51):
These days, I hardly ever thinkabout my previous marriage. The
only time I think about it iswhen I'm thinking about what
would be helpful to talk abouton the podcast, or if I have
some sort of emotional triggerhappen, and I'm like, Where the
fuck did that come from?
Honestly, those come more frommy childhood than from my
marriage, like I hardly everthink about it. Even in those
(09:15):
instances where I do think aboutit, it doesn't cause me any
distress, because it is just notimportant to me anymore. Like,
there's so many more importantthings living in my brain right
now, not even all of thempleasant. Like I have different
problems to think about now. NowI think a lot about my hip pain
(09:38):
and like, when I'm going to dosomething, I try to think about,
like, how would an elderlyperson do this? That's where I'm
at right now, and that is justso much more important than
anything the past could hold.
And that's really what I want toshare with you here, that you
(10:01):
are so much more and your lifeis so much bigger than that
relationship. It doesn't have toremain your focus. There are so
many interesting things out inthe world to do and think about
and talk about. Moving on meansletting yourself embrace that.
You have to allow yourself tolet go of the thing, even though
(10:24):
it feels so significant. Itdoesn't have to be. You can make
it smaller in your mind.
A lot of moving on is justshifting focus, and that's a
choice that we make. A choicethat starts out a little
difficult to implement, buteventually becomes second
(10:46):
nature. So that's what I havefor you this week, my friends.
Till next time, well.
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