Resisting Reality Part 2

A real life example/template for dealing with your own shit. 

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Episode Transcript

(00:13):
Hey, my friends,I want to talk about not putting
the key to your happiness insomeone else's pocket. I've
noticed this in myself, and Ithink a lot of women get
socialized to do this, but wekind of like base what we are
allowed to think or feel aboutourselves off of what other

(00:33):
people say or do, or we wantsomeone to say certain things or
not say or do certain thingsbecause we think that if they
just did things differently,then we would feel differently
and there wouldn't be a problem.
I do this sometimes with mypartner. I did it just last

(00:56):
week.
He has all these boxes full ofhis stuff sitting in what we

(01:20):
call the game room. It is notactually a game room. It is a
storage room for all of hisboxes we have just for the last
few years, very optimistically,called it the game room. And
said that the game room was itsfuture state.
Well, I've suddenly, like,become obsessed

(01:41):
with working on that room, likeI plan on painting it this week,
starting with the ceiling,because the previous owners of
the house had painted theceiling green, and I want to
paint the ceiling to match therest of the house. So I had to
clear all his boxes out of thatroom, and I've temporarily put
them in our bedroom. And I donot like seeing them in there.

(02:06):
When they were shut off in thegame room, I didn't have to see
them, and it was out of sight,out of mind. Now they're in the
bedroom, and they are top ofmind. And I was very upset, and
I just wanted him to get rid ofall of what I see as junk, like
old mementos from when he was atschool, and old textbooks and

(02:29):
stuff like,I just think no one needs this.
And I was wishing he could justget rid of it, and I was feeling
really frustrated, and I calledhim a hoarder, and, like,
complained a whole bunch aboutthese boxes. And I finally asked
myself, like, why do you reallywant him to get rid of this
stuff? Like, why do you care somuch? I realized that I wanted

(02:53):
him to get rid of the boxesbecause I thought that our house
would look and feel so muchnicer and neater and tidier, and
I wouldn't be embarrassed ifsomeone saw it, and we would
just be happier. I thought wecan never be happy if there are
all these boxes. And so I wasbecoming almost panicky about

(03:15):
wanting them gone. And so I wascomplaining about the boxes and
trying to manipulate him intogetting rid of the boxes, and
saying mean things about havingthe boxes, like calling him a
hoarder, and threatening to crybecause of the presence of the
boxes, and being all dramaticand telling myself that they

(03:37):
depress me, and just wallowingand fixating on the boxes. But
the result of that was that Iwas making us unhappy and just
using the boxes as an excuse todo so. In reality, the boxes
actually have nothing to do withwhether we are happy or not. I
know that because I have beenhappy in the last five years,

(04:00):
and the boxes have alwaysexisted during that time. It is
only when I give over the key tomy happiness to the boxes that I
become unhappy. When I amthinking that I cannot be happy
while the boxes exist, I makemyself and him miserable. The
boxes aren't doing that. I amdoing that. It's me. So I have a

(04:22):
choice here. I can continue tobelieve that I can't be happy
while the boxes exist. Or I canask myself what I think I would
get to believe if the boxes weregone. Like poof, I got my wish.
The boxes are gone. What would Ibe thinking? I imagine I would
think things like, our house isso nice, this is a nice place to

(04:45):
live, and I would be happy. Butthen I'd have to ask myself,
What's stopping me from thinkingthat now? Like the boxes aren't
actually part of the house. Sowhy can't I just think that the
house is nice and this is a niceplace to live? And I realized
that the reason that I was sounwilling to let go of the idea

(05:08):
that I couldn't just be happywhile the boxes were here is
because I was afraid that, sincehe likes to have stuff in boxes,
and I don't, it meant we wereincompatible. It meant that this
wasn't the right relationshipfor me. So no wonder the boxes
are such a big deal. I wasgiving them both the key to my

(05:30):
happiness and the viability ofthe relationship. That's an
awful lot of importance for someboxes. So of course, I was
trying to get rid of them. Iwant to be happy and I don't
want to be in a wrongrelationship. So I was actually
desperate to get rid of theboxes so I could believe that I

(05:51):
was in a good relationship andcould be happy.

(06:16):
The problems come though when wetry to control other people,
because that doesn't work. Evenif someone gives in to what you
want occasionally, they aren'talways going to, and no one
likes to feel controlled or likethey don't have a choice. But I
was resisting this reality bybelieving that I could make him

(06:36):
get rid of the boxes. We'vetalked a lot on here about the
problems caused by resistingreality. When we resist reality,
we don't actually solve ourproblems. When I'm trying to
manipulate him to get rid of theboxes, I'm not actually solving
my real problem of wanting to behappy and be in the right
relationship. What I should bedoing is deciding to be happy

(06:59):
and deciding if I want to be ina relationship with someone who
likes to have boxes of stuff,because that's who he is. He's
not going to change. I have todecide if I am okay with that or
not. And do I want boxes to bein charge of my happiness, or do
I want to be in charge of myhappiness? Those are the things

(07:20):
I should be focusing on toactually solve the problem that
I'm having. Trying to controlthe wrong variables is often a
side effect of resistingreality. And by wrong variables,
I mean things that are notactually in our control. And
anytime you try to controlsomething that you don't
actually have any control over,like other people, it is a

(07:42):
guaranteed recipe forfrustration and misery. And we
almost always do this when wethink we need other people's
permission to think and feel theway that we want. That is when
we try to manipulate and controlother people. Because you could
want your partner to stoptreating you badly so that you
could believe that you aresomeone worth treating right, or

(08:06):
you could just believe that youare someone worth treating right
and not stay with that person.
But if you think you need yourpartner to treat you right in
order for you to believe thatyou are someone worth treating
right, then you are going tostay in that shitty relationship
and do all kinds of things totry to get them to treat you

(08:26):
differently. And it won't everwork, because how they treat you
is based on them and not you.
It's not something you cancontrol. But while you think you
think you need them to bedifferent, you're going to try
to and it will be miserable. AndI think that sums up how a lot
of us were in our toxicrelationships. Ultimately, you

(08:49):
are going to have to decide ifyou want other people to dictate
how you get to think and feel orif you are going to decide for
yourself. For me, I don't wantto leave that up to other
people. And the objection a lotof people have right around here
is that they can't just think orbelieve something else. But you

(09:10):
actually can, and I have atechnique for that. If you would
like to learn that technique,you can use the link in the show
notes to book a session with me,and we can go over it.
All right, my friends, untilnext time be well.