The Call of the Void: When Your Mind Whispers "Jump"

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That strange urge to jump from high places despite having no desire to die has a name—and science suggests it might actually affirm your will to live. Welcome back to Drunken Darkness as we dive into "The Call of the Void," that fleeting but powerful impulse many of us experience near ledges, while driving, or holding sharp objects.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Aww, shit, what is up ?
Weirdos, welcome to DrunkenDarkness.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
I'm Amanda.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
And I am Mitch, and we are back after what seemed to
be forever.

Speaker 2 (00:34):
It was an eternity.

Speaker 1 (00:35):
It was like a year and nine months or something.
It felt like Like you couldhave had 16 babies by now,
before we got back.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
No.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
You couldn't have but a normal lady could have had
like 16 babies by now.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
I mean, I hope not, maybe two, Maybe Maybe one.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
I don't know.
One and a half, but we're back.
That's what matters.
We are back, I know, y'allnoticed that new theme song and
we want to definitely shout outour friends Corey and Autumn at
Corey Shepherd Music and At soArt for making that beat for us.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
We dig it.
It's amazing.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
We like it.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
We didn't hate the other, but we love the new.
And this season, I guess, isall about out with the old and
in with the new.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
That's right and it fits us.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
It does.
It's weird, I like it.
Yeah, I like the littleChewbacca in there.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
I like the weirdness.
It Chewbacca in there, A littleChewbacca.
I like the weirdness.
It's just like groovy yeah itsounds like us.

Speaker 1 (01:24):
It makes it sound like us.
What's new?
We are back after such a longtime.
Yeah, you boys had a lot goingon To say the least, some
surgeries Two, two surgeries,since you heard from us last A
back surgery followed by a footsurgery and Followed by a foot
surgery, and I've acquired whatmy wife refers to as Mitch foot.

Speaker 2 (01:47):
That's right.
You don't want Mitch foot guys.

Speaker 1 (01:50):
It's not attractive.
And when your wife startsreferring to you as is that an
adjective or a verb, whateverthat is.
It's not attractive.
It's not because she thinksyou're sexy, it's not because
she wants you, it's because shewants to talk a little trash.
It's because I have to what youknow, I have to take care of
that.
It's because she's talkingtrash, because my foot is funky

(02:11):
it's.
And by funky I mean I steppedon something, I got an infected
foot.
I acted quickly, just notevidently quick enough before it
got infected, uh, and they cut.
They cut on it a little bit soa lot.
Yeah, they cut on it a lot, soyeah like it's rough looking, uh
, but we're, we're treating it,we're taking care of it that's

(02:31):
right.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
I became a wound care nurse.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Guys, she did I mean in like officially, not
officially, but she works for meit took.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
It took a week it did .

Speaker 1 (02:38):
She got her certification.
She got her mitch certificationin wound care in like a week.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
For Mitch Foote only, though, yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
Don't get Mitch Foote , but I'm healing up, I'm good,
back's good and strong.
Ha, it's not, but that's okay.
You know, but it's gave me timeto work on the podcast it has.
It's gave us time to put somework in and we're glad to be
back.
Gosh we are hope you guys enjoywhat we got going a lot of
things happening, uh.
We've started all kinds of newstuff we have we've uh facebook

(03:08):
instagram.
We now have a patreon.
Uh, we have pushed all this onsocial media so we hope you guys
have seen it.
If not, we will definitely dropsome links in the show notes so
you guys can find your way tothat.
So patreon is like a paidsubscription of sorts it's like
so you get that behind thescenes.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
Look for extra content that that we're probably
too embarrassed to showeverybody but I don't give a I
don't believe that I'll show youmy midget foot.

Speaker 1 (03:37):
I'll put it up on.
I'll put it up on.
The inquire is that thatmagazine my grandma used to get
remember those movies, yeah, thestar and inquire, yeah I'll put
my foot up on that.
I don't care.
Put it up there, show everybody.

Speaker 2 (03:48):
I mean I'd buy it.

Speaker 1 (03:49):
But we got two tiers, so it's pretty cheap.
Like you get on there, I thinkyou pay.
We set it up cheap, like threebucks and five bucks, and for
each of you normally don't get.
You might see some pictures,videos.
You might even get a sticker inthe mail.
We may mail you somethingrandom.
I may mail you a picture of myfoot just out of just random.

(04:10):
You may open it up onThanksgiving Day and be like
whoa.

Speaker 2 (04:12):
I mean you might have to leave a comment if you want
that.

Speaker 1 (04:15):
I mean, you don't, I'll just send you an address,
I'll send you a foot picture.
You don.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
Mitch Footpicks Only fans.
You know there's an only fansout there for ugly For Mitch.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
Foot For nasty feet.
I'll put it up on there.
There's some guy out there likeI'd like to have me a picture
of some nasty feet.
I got you, I got this.
Only fans for nasty feet.

Speaker 2 (04:35):
Just so you guys know , in the three, four, three,
however many years we've beentogether, this is the first time
that he doesn't like don't lookat my feet.
He allows me to look at hisfeet, and not only that, but
take pictures she has to becauseit's rotting off and she's
trying to fix it he did accuseme of taking glamour shots of it
the other day.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
She was like getting down in the light and like she
put a wig on it at some pointshe was trying to talk to it.
She was like show me what it'slike when the wind's blowing in
the city park.

Speaker 2 (05:01):
Just stay real still for me.
I just want to take somepictures.

Speaker 1 (05:04):
You're on the top of a 67 Corvette and the wind's
blowing just fine and I had towiggle my toe for her.
It was odd, but I did it.
So, on the real, what happenedwas I stepped on something.
My foot got infected.
I let it go for a day or two.
It got super infected.
I got super sick, cut my toenot off, but like they, they
sliced my toe pretty good to getthat junk out and so now I'm

(05:27):
just healing up for like eightto twelve weeks so we got lots
of time, so you're gonna hearabout it you're gonna hear about
it a lot uh he likes to talkabout it.
Well, because what?
Else I got to do let's talkabout my nasty foot right.
I'll put it off on patreon.
Pay me three dollars a month.
I can send y'all pictures youwant of it.
I'll dress it up like a littlebarbie doll.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
I'll put a little face on it.
This is getting real weird.
I hope the people listening arereal weird anybody listening.
This is weird real weirdos thisis not for the wannabe weirdos,
this is for the real weirdoshardcore, to be honest.

Speaker 1 (05:56):
Yeah, on this level, this is about some weird stuff.
We're coming at you with weirdstuff this season that's right
we're trying to mix it up alittle bit, not just you know
the true crime.

Speaker 2 (06:05):
We did a lot of true crime we did, you know, so we're
trying to like mix it up andand bring the weird things, the
conspiracy things, the out there, like you know, maybe beyond
like the x-files type shit, youknow, like this.

Speaker 1 (06:20):
What's your name?
Scully, scully, scully andmolder.
Is that his name?

Speaker 2 (06:23):
yes, yeah, what's his name?
Molder, I'm, I don't Mulder.
Is that his name?
Yes, yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
Is his name Mulder?
I don't know.
I can't pronounce stuff.
You know that.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
It's been so long, I think yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
You remember them weird guys.
We're bringing the weird stuff.
We're going to bring the truecrime.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 (06:45):
Like I'm not taking anything.
I'm taking suggestions.
I'm going to do what I want todo.

Speaker 2 (06:49):
You're taking something Alcohol, you're taking
something, you're taking shots.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
I am, and tonight it is cheap because your boy is
also not supposed to have sugar.
Sugar-free, because you knowwhy sugar inhibits your ability
to heal.
So I am eating all the proteinI can and cutting all the sugar
out.
So today is vodka yeah, smearedoff vodka mixed with a

(07:17):
hydration packet, because I'mnot a dummy.
I don't feel good in themorning because I gotta go learn
about mushrooms hell yeah,you're leaving in the morning.
Forgot about that.
She's going to mushroomconference.
Not even the good mushroomslike the healthy mushrooms, not
even like the.
Take some mushrooms and seeinglike santa claus riding a
unicorn through a valley full ofclovers mushrooms like she's
going to, like this will healyour achy heart mushrooms maybe

(07:39):
I'll heal your achy, breaky toemushroom.
All right, cool, I'll take it,let's do it, let's do it, let's
do it.
But tonight for me it'sSmirnoff.
It is also what is this Gingham?
Gingham, gingham from Pivot inLexington Kentucky, which we
went there the other nightbefore my toe rotted off.
Chanda, which is a nice littlepub in Lexington Kentucky and

(08:02):
they serve their own littlehouse brews.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
That's a nice little brewery.

Speaker 1 (08:06):
It is.
It's very nice.
We had a good time, and sothat's what I'm drinking tonight
.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
That's right, that gingham is strawberry kiwi.
That's his one little bit ofsugar.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
Well, that's because I'm bad out of vodka I didn't
drink at all, but you know who'snot Out of vodka.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
Cutting out sugar.
I mean, I'm trying to do better, but I am not cutting out sugar
.
I'm having some porch swingwine.
It's pink lemonade, you know,and we we taste tested this the
other day and it's not bad,especially, you know, if you're
looking to not spend a lot ofmoney.
And then I love me someraspberries, so I tried some
raspberry Smirnoffs, you know,bringing out the wine coolers

(08:47):
like it's 1995.

Speaker 1 (08:49):
Stole them from her mom and went in the basement
with her girlfriends, which shedoes.

Speaker 2 (08:52):
Now she's in high school again it's like a Zima
with a raspberry Jolly Rancherin it.

Speaker 1 (08:56):
Whoa, that is old school.
That is old school, that's whatyou used to do when you were in
high school.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
It is.
That's the same shit I did inhigh school, except mine was
travarsky or heaven hill, I wasgonna say.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
In high school it was vodka mixed in the water
bottles with kool-aid I drank alot of kessler in high school
because that's all thebootlegger had that is the very
first thing.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
I got sick on my kessler's rough my high school
boyfriend's dad.
I thought I could match shotfor shot with him and he's a
professional and I was 16.

Speaker 1 (09:25):
When you say high school boyfriend's dad, are we
referring to your?
First baby, daddy's dad, yeah,he probably could drink all of a
sudden yeah that's probably nota good idea.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
Well, you know I had had some Zimas already and I
don't think— Zimas, that's whenyou're hurt.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
Corey, like I got you man, I can out-drink you.
That's right, I was like sure.

Speaker 2 (09:44):
I'll match you shot for shot.
Well, he regretted it because Ipuked all over his bathtub, all
over his shower, all over thetoilet, all over the bed.
I mean like oh.

Speaker 1 (09:53):
We'll just refer to him as BW.
Trust me, she didn't stand achance.
No, no chance.

Speaker 2 (10:01):
Nope, the most I'd had was a wine cooler with my
mom that she might under herwatchful eye.
Let me have.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
It was a real poor choice of mine.
It was always Kessler unless wetalked somebody's mom into
sneaking out and getting us someHeaven Hill vodka and we would
take that to school in theMountain Dew bottle shake that
up.
I didn't do that until I was ajunior Yep, I'm sorry, sophomore
years when I snuck some vodkain a Mountain Dew bottle.
Yeah, during an important testI had to take, I had to get a 75

(10:30):
, I think, on a test.

Speaker 2 (10:31):
How'd you do?

Speaker 1 (10:32):
I'd retook the class the next year, if that tells you
anything.
Bub got drunk because the nightbefore I confessed my love to a
senior girl in school and Ifell out of the back of a
trailer on my face and, uh, justwasn't a good time but you know
what?
You're still friends today Imean, yeah, I guess friendly
yeah, friendly.
Yeah, you know we're all.
We're all.

(10:53):
Good, it worked out for thebest.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
I didn't break my neck it did work out for the
best because you got this, Ididn't take biology twice, I can
tell you all the parts of afrog now you see I done my
drinking and art class Just mademy artwork.

Speaker 1 (11:07):
Appear, better Appear better to me.
Yeah, that's like when I drinkand I think I'm like super sexy
and I come in the bedroomlooking like Superman and then
like I get to glimpse myself inthe mirror and I'm like whoa, I
look like a retired Supermanthat retired ten years ago.

Speaker 2 (11:22):
You know what my art teacher liked me?
She always complimented me.
I mean, I'm sure it worked out.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
You compliment me, but that's because you have to
yeah, but she made me thisreally cool sketchbook.

Speaker 2 (11:31):
I don't have to.
Yeah, whatever, you know howmany wives are mean to their
husbands?
Probably plenty, I don't know.
I'm sure there's a bunch.
Right, right, exactly.

Speaker 1 (11:41):
You remember the first time we tried this podcast
?

Speaker 2 (11:43):
We killed it.
My girl got mean as hell withme.
That would have been somebehind the scenes shit.
I wasn't mean, I was just alittle grumpy.

Speaker 1 (11:52):
So when a woman says I was a little grumpy, that
means they were mean as hell toyou.
But that's, you know, that'swhatever.

Speaker 2 (11:59):
I was still talking, oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
She was still talking , and heaven forbid me say
anything so he didn't, so wescrapped it I didn't.
I got petty and I didn't say adamn word.
But we're here now that's right.

Speaker 2 (12:11):
We scrapped it and we might use that topic later
because he wasn't listening to aword.
I said yeah, that's because Iwas being pissed off, all right,
so you know what we're gonna dobetter tonight wow, what are we
doing?
Tell me what's up well, tonightwe're gonna talk about the call
of the void call of the void.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
This sounds like a liam nelson movie or a video
game I mean or both.
You can play liam nelson why?

Speaker 2 (12:36):
is it not nissan?

Speaker 1 (12:37):
well, why have they not made a liam nissan video
game yet?
You know how badass it would beto be liam niss.

Speaker 2 (12:43):
I'd play that Right, and I don't even play video
games.
Everybody's ass.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
Yeah, If I could only say you've taught something of
mine.
I have a select set of skills.

Speaker 2 (12:52):
What are those games?
I will find you and I will killyou.
Yeah, what are the populargames now?
I mean, jude plays all thosegames, but he puts in all those
codes to get whatever in allthose codes to get whatever
Resident Evil.
Yeah, what if you put all thosecodes in and the ultimate cheat
code was that you become LiamNeeson?

Speaker 1 (13:07):
What if your boss level you had to fight was Liam
Neeson?

Speaker 2 (13:10):
You couldn't win.
No, because he has a select setof skills and he will find you.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
Even if you beat him, then he's going to show up in
real life in your bedroom and belike what up bitch, he's going
to be at your window and he heckand then he'll be walking
through your door as soon as youlook and you get the controller
out and you just whip his ass.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
But yeah, why not though?

Speaker 1 (13:27):
But yeah, I get you.
Call of the Void sounds like agood video game or movie that
Liam Neeson would play in.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
Right, like what is this void?

Speaker 1 (13:33):
So tell us about.
Call of the Void.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
Why don't you?

Speaker 1 (13:35):
tell me, I know a little bit.
Yeah, I know a rock wall.

Speaker 2 (13:48):
I mean, that's okay.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
Or I just decide I want to just go on top of the
hospital and just dive off.

Speaker 2 (13:54):
I mean, it's a little different than just deciding
you want to go on top.
That's a little more worrisome.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
A little bit.
Yeah, I just really don't wantto go to work.
Obviously I A little bit.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
yeah, I just really don't want to go to work.

Speaker 1 (14:03):
Obviously, I think Call of the Void for me is when
I've been somewhere and I'vejust thought in my head not that
I wanted to make the act, but Iactually wanted to I was like
man, I could just drive off thiscliff right now, or I could
just jump off this building Notthat I wanted to do it or I
attempted to do it but thethought in my head was like it's
there, I, I attempted to do it,but the thought in my head was

(14:24):
like I just want to just do it.
I could just drive off this roadright now.

Speaker 2 (14:26):
Yep, that is it.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
But I never knew it had a name until you mentioned
it a few weeks ago and I wasreal big on you not telling me
kind of more about it, but Ididn't know it was a thing.
Actually, I thought there wasjust something wrong with me for
the longest time and then Irealized that it was kind of a
thing that everybody experiencesmaybe Not quite everyone.
No, no, okay.
Well then, I don't know as muchas I thought I did, so this is

(14:48):
when I hand the stage to you.

Speaker 2 (14:50):
Let me get up on my stage.

Speaker 1 (14:52):
Get up on it.

Speaker 2 (14:53):
Get my pulpit out.
I'm about to preach.

Speaker 1 (14:57):
Not really.
And the Lord said, ha, give itto us All.
Right, I'm going to drink thisvodka.
You tell me what I don't know.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
This is a weird church.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Sounds like a fun church to me, any church that's
got vodka is awesome.

Speaker 2 (15:08):
Well, most churches have wine.
That's not vodka, no, it's notMost churches have a little
moonshine in the basement inKentucky, though I promise you
Probably, yep, probably,probably, so sorry, had to get
me a little drink, a littledrink in her church, in her
weird church, she done whettedthat whistle.
Had some wine.

Speaker 1 (15:29):
So I want you guys to know tonight's episode is a
little bit long because we ain'tbeen here in a while.
So we're both excited to behere and we want to catch you up
on what's new.
Right so hang with us.
If you're like right now, wishwe could get into the topic we
are, Sit down, hush up and justenjoy what you got coming.
It's coming Because we'recoming.

Speaker 2 (15:45):
It is Hey-o, that was coming.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
Here we go.

Speaker 2 (15:50):
All right.
So it is that feeling Like haveyou ever stood on a roof or a
bridge or a ledge or like anyhigh place?
For me, I get this feeling.
It's every time I've ever beento like a spillway.
And if you don't know what aspillway is, you know, like on
the lake where, like the water'srushing through, it's kind of
keeping the levels, however, youknow, so that it doesn't flood.

(16:13):
So if you have ever been in ahigh place in particular and you
thought you know I should jump,or what if I jumped in there,
or I wonder what that feels like, maybe I should, and for some
people it really like youactually maybe even hear that.
So that's the call of the void,you know it's this urge seems

(16:34):
to come out of nowhere and thenit goes away.
You know, just snap of thefingers, boom, it's gone.
So this call of the voidactually has a name in french,
and I'm gonna butcher this.
So please, you know, don't hateme for it it's lapel du vide

(16:55):
and it is said to be like asired call, stirring up
something within the most primalparts of your soul I have a
question for you though.

Speaker 1 (17:03):
Yeah, you said that like it usually comes and it
goes, but is there any instancethat it doesn't go, that some
people succumb to this, likecall the void?
I mean, I'm sure you're gonnaget into that but is that okay?
That's one of them, it seemslike some people don't have
maybe maybe the mental capacity,or maybe they're just in a bad
spot and it hits at the righttime.

Speaker 2 (17:24):
Right, so it's different.
Okay, all right, go ahead, I'lllet you go.
We did that, all right.
So with it, I mean it does.
It's this thing that almostcomes and goes.
It's something that some peoplewill be like.
I've even heard I did read anarticle and we'll link a lot of
these sources in that show notesstuff where a guy was like you

(17:48):
know, I was standing on the edgeof like this building and like
six foot across was another edge, and like I just thought you
should jump.
And the next thing I realized Iwas on the other edge and was
like, oh my God, what did you do?
Why would you do that?
And you know, and he was like Iwas freaking terrified because
it was like it hit so fast, andthen I just done it.
So I don't know if that is theexact same thing, but it was

(18:11):
within those articles of talkingabout this.
So there is an author I've justgot his last name linked here
because I'm silly like that butit's Sartre, s-a-r-t-r-e.
He calls it the vertigo ofpossibility, saying that the
void manifests itself as anexistential phenomenon.

(18:34):
So it's just, you know,existential crisis, like it's
just this thing that just popsand it goes away.

Speaker 1 (18:41):
So hit me with the layman term of what you mean by
it.
Say that word again, becauseyou know.

Speaker 2 (18:47):
Existential there you go.

Speaker 1 (18:48):
What are we talking about?

Speaker 2 (18:50):
Say it for all the dumb folks out there.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
What are?

Speaker 2 (18:51):
we talking about.
I mean, I didn't even look itup, that's all right.

Speaker 1 (18:54):
So are we saying this is just something that happens
outside the body, that comes inyour head and messes with you?

Speaker 2 (19:00):
Existential is relating to existence.
Okay, so you know, in relatingto existence, it's this thing
that just pops.

Speaker 1 (19:08):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
Within it's, you know , a philosophical like concerned
with existence, like the humanexistence, or logically
affirming or implying theexistence of something.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Okay.
So basically it just kind ofshows up out of nowhere.

Speaker 2 (19:24):
We don't know why, we don't know how Just you're
driving, driving down the roadand the shit just hits you in
the face like, yes, drive offthe road, mother, and you just
yeah, and you're like, or likepeople that are like I just have
this overwhelming urge to whipit and drive into that car
that's coming the oppositedirection, or you know whatever
this isn't like wanting to likeyou, like you're driving down
the road and like karen and thebmw is on the phone in front of

(19:45):
you and you just want to ramyeah, this isn't road rage
different.
Yeah, this isn't run into thatsemi.

Speaker 1 (19:50):
And take it, just go, I'm done right, this isn't you
know.

Speaker 2 (19:54):
I'm depressed, suicidal, and I've pre-planned
that I want to drive into thelake that's a that's a question.

Speaker 1 (20:03):
Is it, is it a suicidal thing?
It's not, so it's, and I'mgonna tell you about that man,
yep, happy as shit and just belike you know what?
I just want to drive off thisroad yeah, absolutely that's
wild.

Speaker 2 (20:13):
So I'm, as you had me looking this existential up, I
saw in my notes.
So when I talk about sartor,this is jean paul.
His book is called being andnothingness.
Um, definitely encourage anyoneto read it if you're interested
more into this.
So within this he says that ouridentity is defined by our

(20:34):
actions.
One is a kind person becausethey do kind deeds.
Our identity is only as limitedas the capacity of our actions,
is only as limited as thecapacity of our actions.
So it's you know your actionspresent who you are, not you
present your actions kind ofthing.
You know your actions defineyou.
You don't define your actions.
So people are as capable ofdoing bad things as they are of

(20:57):
doing good ones.
The difference is in the choicesthey make.
And it's these endless choicesthe decision to jump off a cliff
, for example that feed into theexistential questioning of
identity.
When our identity hinges on theactions we take, the specific
agency we have over thecorporeal movements feels all

(21:18):
the more strangely infinite.
We are inherently aware that wecan easily jump off a cliff.
All it would take is a singlestep, and though we know we
won't really do it, that freedomof choice is staggering.
So it's like this I could jumpinto that, I could see how that
feels, but you don't do it.
You have this freedom to do it.

(21:39):
You could, but you're not goingto.
It's like that split moment.
But some people do you say Likethere are some instances of some
things Like.

Speaker 1 (21:53):
I've been up on some buildings before and I've got
the urge to like the maybe it'sthe thrill Like I remember
walking to some.
I've been up on top of the roofof some buildings that were
super high and I would go to theedge.
And I remember going to theedge of a couple buildings and
putting my right foot over theedge like way over and like just
that thrill.
Yep, I didn't want to fall andthat's what he's talking.

(22:14):
I didn't want to fall at all.
I love my life.
I don't want to die.
Even though I got a mangledlike mitch foot and a bad back,
I don't to die.
But I put my foot over the edgeand thought I could Like that
thrill.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yes, and that's what he's talking about, that freedom
of choice.
It's a staggering thing, youknow, because that freedom is
there and you're gettingwhatever endorphin rush or you
get it, yeah, you get it hard,yeah, like I was like whoa, yep.

(22:46):
So if we were to define, youknow what call of the void is?
Literally, it's an impulse tothrow yourself into a void.
You know, whatever that voidmay be, whether the void be
running off the road, drivinginto another car, jumping off a
building, it's more associatedwith those high places.
A lot of the stuff is, you know, like this they call it a high
place phenomenon, theyabbreviate it HPP.
So if you hear me saying, oh,the HPPO, that's all I'm talking

(23:08):
about and it's pretty common,it's a super common occurrence.
Not everybody has it, but it isa super common occurrence and
it's said to have nothing to dowith suicidal ideation.
With that being said, you know,if you know anyone has that

(23:28):
suicidal ideation, I feel likeyou know we just kind of have to
throw it out there.
You know, if you need to talkto somebody or you need help or
you're feeling that way, contactthat.
You know.
National.

Speaker 1 (23:39):
Suicide Prevention Lifeline 988 is the new number.

Speaker 2 (23:43):
There's also that 800 number, 800-273-8255.
There's somebody always there,and I mean hell, we're pretty
quick to respond, we're here too, you know yeah, don't uh, don't
feel ashamed, don't feel, uh,embarrassed, don't feel upset no
Way.

Speaker 1 (24:02):
Too many people lose their life to suicide coming
from emergency medicine, emswork.
We lose too many firefightersand EMS workers to suicide and
it doesn't have to be that, butwe lose too many people to
suicide in general.
I've lost too many friends tosuicide over the last couple of
years.
That was way I say unnecessary.

(24:24):
I don't know what they weregoing through, but I feel like
they should have talked tosomebody.
I wish I.
Over the last couple of years.
That was way I say unnecessary.
I don't know what they weregoing through, but I feel like
they should have talked tosomebody.
I wish I would have talked tosomebody.
So don't ever feel ashamed tocall that number, to text that
number if you don't want to talkor to reach out to a friend,
family members or a stranger.
Yep, and as always, I postedstuff on my personal stuff years
ago different accounts, ofcourse.
That said, you know if you wantsomebody to talk to, that
doesn't know your bullshit, I'mhere, right.

(24:46):
And I still feel that way, thesame way.

Speaker 2 (24:47):
Same here.

Speaker 1 (24:48):
I don't know your bullshit.
I don't even care about yourbullshit as far as what it is.
If you want to talk to me,shoot a message.

Speaker 2 (24:53):
There's no judgment, yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:54):
I mean, we all got skeletons, we all got BS going
on Right, but don't let it takeyou away from your friends and
family and don't do that.

Speaker 2 (25:03):
No, absolutely not, if you are feeling that way.

Speaker 1 (25:05):
Reach out to somebody , man, and you know, don't feel
like you're at a loss, Becauseif you're still here today and
you went through some shit, thenyou're winning.

Speaker 2 (25:14):
Because the world's a darker place without you.
It is, it just is.

Speaker 1 (25:18):
And your family and friends want you here.
So do what you got to do to behere and let us help you if we
can.

Speaker 2 (25:24):
Exactly so.
I'm going to put the heavy awayfor that.

Speaker 1 (25:29):
Put it away, we're going to tuck that away.
Tuck it away and we're going toget back into this.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
So there's not a lot out there, believe it or not.
On this call of the void, it'snot been studied a ton.

Speaker 1 (25:43):
Nobody knew what the fuck it was.

Speaker 2 (25:45):
When you talked to me , I didn't know what it was.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
I just thought I had something wrong with me.
I was like I just want to runinto that semi.

Speaker 2 (25:51):
So many people.

Speaker 1 (25:51):
I don't want to die Right?

Speaker 2 (26:03):
So many people that we've talked to that are like
what's your first episode?
And we're like Call of the Voidand they'm like I've got all
these classified files and I'vegot all of this and I've got all
of that.
It was a lot more limited.
There's a few podcasts thathave talked about it a little
bit.
So this is, I mean, veryscientific.

(26:27):
I guess there was a study in2012, the Journal of Effective
Disorders, where they took 431undergraduate students of
differing ethnicities, althoughit was a higher percentage of
white people but they lookedinto that correlation of the
call of the void with suicidalideation.
They termed the experience,like I said, high place
phenomenon, or HPP, and proposedthat it actually stemmed from a

(26:50):
misrepresented safety signal orsurvival instinct.
So we'll talk a little bitabout that.
So they didn't only measure thefrequency of suicidal ideation,
but they also measured anxietysensitivity, depressive symptoms
and history of mood episodes.
So what they found was therewas a significant correlation of

(27:14):
anxiety sensitivity with HPPand that HPP was increased among
participants who claimed tohave low levels of suicidal
ideation.
So the people that were likeyou I want to do this, but I
don't want to die, like I knowthat I don't want to die, but
like, right there, you know, I'mlike I should drive into this

(27:36):
car, I should jump off thisbridge.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
Your prime example Newport Bridge going into
Cincinnati.
When I walk across to go tofootball or baseball games.

Speaker 2 (27:43):
You always want to jump, always, always want to
jump, always, always, every timeI always think I just jump off
this moped.

Speaker 1 (27:48):
And I don't.
Of course I'm here, but Ialways get that urge because I'm
just right there.
Nobody could stop me, I couldjust roll over it like a whale,
I'd just fall over the rail Rollover it, see, and's go fishing
at the spillway.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
What do?

Speaker 1 (28:05):
you mean everybody's ever taken you?

Speaker 2 (28:06):
Just every time I've ever went fishing Like my dad.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
What kind of bullshit is that?
We've been boyfriends.
I ain't never taken you to aspillway.

Speaker 2 (28:13):
We've only been fishing once and I named all
those fish and then you filletedthem terribly.
We've been fishing more thanonce.
Uh oh, Twice.

Speaker 1 (28:26):
Sorry, my bad, I forgot about the pay lake.
It's alright, keep thinking wedidn't do some shit.
Oh, whatever Uh huh Call thevoid in my ass.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
That's not what we're talking about.
How about you call it?

Speaker 1 (28:32):
And remember what you did with your husband.
Okay, I ain't never beenfishing at the spillway.
Go ahead Whatever.

Speaker 2 (28:38):
I've been fishing at the spillway.

Speaker 1 (28:40):
I ain't never been there, so Go ahead, fine deal.

Speaker 2 (28:52):
Did you get that anticipation?
But I always thought that itwas because the water's kind of
rushing out from the lake intothe spillway, into, like the
creek.
Oh, did you hear that?
That's the sound of a ginghamcider being opened just
listening, that's right so getwhat you got in my own head.

(29:15):
I thought, well, it's just likethat rush of the water and like
maybe something just triggeredand was like, well, that just is
refreshing looking or something.
You know, I don't know, but itwas really cool to see that like
no, that's, it's just a thing.
You know, it wasn't just thatyou thought the water looked
like it'd be a good time,because in all reality, if I was

(29:38):
to jump into the spillway I'mnot going to live Because at the
pressure, at what that rushesout, I'm not going to be able to
come back up Unless it pushesme out real quick into the rest
of the water.
Unless it pushes me out realquick into the rest of the water
.
But besides, the point withthis, like I said, that suicidal

(29:59):
ideation rate real low.
These are people, most of us,that are, like I know, I don't
want to die On the other sidereally common in those of us,
like your girl here, that hasanxiety over ridiculousness,
over washing dishes when it'sdark outside because there's a
window and I just know someone'sgoing to be standing in it True
story.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
Yes, like no one's going to be standing in the
window, that's a true story.

Speaker 2 (30:22):
It is a true story that I don't want a house with a
garage because I can't park inthe garage because someone's
going to be standing outside mygarage door.

Speaker 1 (30:28):
Anxiety on peak with this one.
It is Over everything.

Speaker 2 (30:34):
Not with this.
It is over everything, noteverything.
Everything.

Speaker 1 (30:37):
I have some irrational things, but not
everything.
A lot of things a lot of things, a lot, a lot of shit.
She'd be like, hey, and I'llcome in there like what you got.
There's somebody outside.
I'll be like shit.
I hope not.
I'm naked and it's 2 30 in themorning.
Why are you up?

Speaker 2 (30:47):
she's doing dishes and thought somebody was outside
watching no, nope, no nobody'sout there I'm not doing dishes
at 2 o'clock in the morning.
It's just not happening.
It's just not.

Speaker 1 (30:57):
Well.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
Anyways so.

Speaker 1 (31:01):
Somebody ought to be doing them dishes.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
Before 2 o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
Right.

Speaker 2 (31:05):
Or when it gets daylight.
So the experience of HPP mayreflect the sensitivity that
someone has to internal cues andactually affirm their will to
live so it is believed within.
What this study showed was thathaving those thoughts actually

(31:26):
proved that these people wantedto live more, which really
hinges back into that like thatfreedom kind of thing Like you
have, like this overwhelmingexistential freedom I raise my
hand sometimes because I don'tknow what I want to interrupt
you but is that because?

Speaker 1 (31:41):
right, I do raise my hands.
I don't want to interrupt you.
Is that because you fought thaturge?
So fighting that urge means youwant to live because you didn't
drive into the fucking semi orI didn't drive I think so
because there's times I drive togeorgetown I'm like I'm gonna
drive in that semi and just Iwant to go to work, okay end it
and I don't because I don't wantto die, right, I don't want to
go to work.
But I, I want to live more and Idon't want to go to work, so I

(32:03):
just keep driving.
So is that feeling like youwant to live more because you
fight that urge, like you justsay I don't want to do that?

Speaker 2 (32:10):
right I think, I think, maybe, like that's what
it sounds like to me at leastbecause you know you have like
this dizzying freedom.
You know you've got um.
So what is it, says kirkgaardcalled anxiety the dizziness of
freedom.
So it's like this part of humanpsychology that becomes

(32:31):
overwhelmed by those possibilityof choices.
It's kind of like and I feellike I have that we talked about
this when he got his foot and Idecided that 90% of the nurses
that took care of him were notgreat.
I was like someone's got to begood, I'm going to nursing
school.

Speaker 1 (32:47):
We ain't talking shit , but it was a rough time.

Speaker 2 (32:50):
There was some amazing care.
There was some subpar care.

Speaker 1 (32:53):
We'll just leave it at that.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 (32:54):
You know that's a story for another day.
So when we talked about this,he wanted to pull up like the
what'd you call it?
The plan where it lists all theclasses.

Speaker 1 (33:06):
The roadmap, the roadmap, the roadmap or the
pathway to your, if you want todo nursing, like there's a
pathway, like you gotta takethese classes, then get to these
classes.
Right, that's the pathway.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
and I told him, like it's not a choice there, but
seeing all of it listed togetheris an exceptionally
overwhelming thing for me.
And then I get anxious, andthen I get in my own head of
like I can't do this.
So that's that's.
You know what that anxiety is?
It?

Speaker 1 (33:31):
would be different.
So because I'm the exactopposite.

Speaker 2 (33:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (33:34):
I always print that shit out.
I don't just want to sit on myphone or sit on a computer.
I want to print it out becauseI love to look at it, because to
me, if I see that shit on paperthat I got to take this class
and this class, get to thisclass it sets it in motion for
me and I know what I got to do.
So I see it on paper.
So, like when it comes to stufflike that, we are almost exact

(33:56):
polar opposites.

Speaker 2 (33:57):
It's like you're the person that reads the ending to
the movie.

Speaker 1 (34:00):
But I didn't do that till recently.
I used to hate people who'vedone that.

Speaker 2 (34:03):
And I'm the person that doesn't want to know the
ending.

Speaker 1 (34:07):
Like there's like this urge to know.
But also let me tell you thesurprising thing that is an
anxiety thing.

Speaker 2 (34:12):
Reading it, yeah, having to know.

Speaker 1 (34:14):
Not knowing, because sometimes when I'm watching a
movie and I don't know whathappens, I get a little anxious
inside.
But if I read it, I know what'sgoing to happen and I'm super
calm then I'm disinterested if Iknow how it's going to end, I
don't care, I'll still watch it.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
But with that road back.

Speaker 1 (34:29):
Life is fucking crazy .

Speaker 2 (34:31):
I am the person that wants to print it out and set it
aside so I can check all theboxes off like a to-do list.

Speaker 1 (34:37):
Yeah, I will too, but I want to read it 50 times
before it starts.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
But I cannot look to know.
We were talking aboutsyllabuses, right?
If I'm looking at what I haveto do at the end, I'm
overwhelmed by the fact that Ihave to know all of these skills
that I don't yet know.
You know, and that's what it is.
It's like these, all of thesechoices that have to be made,
become overwhelming.
And that's what they're talkingabout.
Like you have this lifetime ofchoices to make, you know.

(35:03):
It's like why do girls neverwant to pick the restaurant?
Well, don't give me 30restaurants to pick from,
because then I'm overwhelmed byall my choices, because maybe I
want five of them.

Speaker 1 (35:17):
Don't lie, I can give you two restaurants and you'll
be like, I don't know, sometimesI can give you one.
You'll be like if you wanttomorrow what I say, one
restaurant.
I just gave you one choice,right, one choice is all.
You got.
Yes, and you still said, if youwant to come get me, like it
was a choice you know, right,you see what I'm saying, right
here's the thing, but we'reworking on healing you.
Right now you are the focus, notme that's a bullshit excuse but

(35:39):
I love it anyway but it's it'sfunny that you said it because
it shows, like legitimately, howdifferent people are, because I
really am, like when I wasgoing through medic class or
when I started to go throughnursing school, I wanted to
print the roadmaps out.
I wanted to print the paperworkout that just said you've

(35:59):
signed up for these courses.
This is what to expect, becauseI wanted to have that in a
little neat folder and put it inmy notebook and like a little
kid.
But I looked at that pathway orthat roadmap to success they
call it sometimes or that ladderto nursing or whatever it was,
or whatever you're doing in life, just like now I'm doing data
analytics right now throughCoursera, and I look at that

(36:21):
little map of what I have to doall the time.

Speaker 2 (36:23):
This is not a sponsored ad, by the way.

Speaker 1 (36:25):
No, it's not.
They're not paying me, I'm justsaying what I'm doing.
But I go through that all thetime because I like to see what
all I have to do, like becauseto me, if I'm looking at it, yep
, and I know I've conquered someof it, then I know I'm making,
I'm chopping away at that rockand I'm getting there.
That's what it does to me, yeah.
Like if I see this whole listof things I've got to do and

(36:47):
there's 47 things I have to doand I've knocked out only three
of them, so I've still got 43things to do out of 46, or
whatever I just said, then Iknow I'm making progress.

Speaker 2 (36:58):
I'll look at it every time and I see it the other way
, right, and that's what I'msaying.
Like, I'm like, oh my, God, Istill have 43 things left to do.
I didn't do enough, right.

Speaker 1 (37:08):
And then I don't sleep at night, stress but if
I've got 46 things, that I'vegot, if I've got 46 steps to get
to my certificate of dataanalytics and I finished three
of them in my mind.
Hey, man, you've knocked outthree things.
Keep kicking ass, get thatfourth, fifth, sixth thing, and
I'll look at it five or sixthings because it motivates me.
Where, on the other hand, we'rethe exact opposite.

(37:29):
Right, it's like weighingourselves yeah, like I weigh
myself almost daily and yourselflike weekly, if you're lucky,
yep, and we say that becausewe're both trying to lose.
Your boy has also lost 50pounds since.

Speaker 2 (37:41):
November.
He has he's killing it 50 pound.
Killing it.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
Yeah, but on the other hand it's just funny that
that's we're so.

Speaker 2 (37:50):
Different, Like polar opposites almost.

Speaker 1 (37:56):
but you don't have the anxiety I have.
That's true, right, but like Isaid it, what I said, many
people gave me anxiety symptom.
Oh, the movie thing yeah likethat's weird, that like just me
watching like a movie that Ilike, even if it was a liam
nelson movie, neeson movie I'msorry man, I don't fucking know.
If it's a liam neeson movie andhe's just killing bad guys,
like I still like I know that inthe end he's gonna get his

(38:18):
daughter back because that movieain't gonna let his daughter
die.
I know that.
But if I read about it and Iknow that this happens, that I
don't stress out about it or Idon't feel that anxiety, it's
weird, I feel I used to notwatch action movies because of
the anxiety you're talking aboutI never had it until the last
few years.
But if I read and I don't knowif that started before I started

(38:40):
reading about it or if Istarted reading about it because
the anxiety started One of thetwo because I used to not.
You remember, if people readabout movies, they were like, oh
, I already know what happens.
I was like, well, that takesall the fun out of it.
And then I started readingabout it and I realized it.
It soothed me and calmed medown.
But now, certain movies I don't.

Speaker 2 (39:04):
Right.

Speaker 1 (39:05):
I like horror movies a lot.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Let's be honest, you're not as bad about it with
movies as you are series.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
Because we never finish them, and so I just like
that's why, like we watched themade mayfair, mayfair witches,
like the chance of us finishing,and plus it's like seasons long
.

Speaker 2 (39:24):
One more episode of this season.

Speaker 1 (39:26):
That's okay.
Then there's another season,yeah and we both have jobs and
both work.
And just like we may make it,we may not.
But so I don't want to be stuck.
Not, maybe, not knowing.

Speaker 2 (39:36):
Maybe that's the thing, I'm just kidding In all
my spare time before I hadsurgery.

Speaker 1 (39:42):
Audible.

Speaker 2 (39:42):
Also not a sponsored ad, but if you'd like to Right,
I would love to listen to books.

Speaker 1 (39:47):
But just say maybe that was from that, maybe it was
the, maybe it wasn't theanxiety of not knowing, maybe it
was the anxiety of just notknowing because we weren't going
to finish them.

Speaker 2 (39:58):
The fear of not finishing them.
So why?

Speaker 1 (39:58):
not.
We've started a couple ofthings and not finished them.
And I'm like what happened?
And this way at least I get toknow that's true.
Like that movie or that TV show, you read the book Books, books
.
So I asked you hey, tell mewhat happens, because we may or
may not finish this.
And you told me you didn't tellme at all.

Speaker 2 (40:17):
I don't think I didn't tell you everything.
You told me that's the firstseason.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
And we may never finish it.
So either I lose interest or Ijust figure it out on my own and
I Google it and that's thatRight.
So maybe it's not an anxietything as much as a fear of like
I'm never gonna know if I don'tlook it up a little bit of both
could be.
It's just funny that you and I,when I talk about this and I'm
sure there's other couples outthere, other friends out there,
other people out there that arethat you're just polar opposites

(40:44):
when it comes to things thatlike the anxiety of school
syllabus and roadmaps and tvseries or the whole.
I'm going to drive off thiscliff because it makes me feel
alive.

Speaker 2 (40:56):
Right, I'm also the person that's like you know what
I'm going to take this courseand I'm going to print that
syllabus off or I'm going towhatever, and it's going to go
tuck nicely away and I'm goingto check it off as I go, but I'm
going to read that wholetextbook before I start the
class, which is real weird.

Speaker 1 (41:15):
Why would you do that ?

Speaker 2 (41:16):
Because, I don't know , it makes me feel like I'm
walking unprepared, or I'm goingto read the first.
So much of it.
I'm going to look at that firstthing and I'm going to get
ahead of the game.
So I've read that and then,while I'm completing the first,
then I'll look at the second andread ahead, because it makes me
feel like I'm ahead and I'm notfalling behind.

Speaker 1 (41:34):
But no, I don't do that you know, we have digressed
a little bit.
That's right.

Speaker 2 (41:40):
So you know, with the HPP, you know I've talked like
it's most commonly that highplaces they're not only urges
associated with call of the void.
You know, call of the void alsoreally refers to any reckless
impulse to do somethingself-destructive standing on a

(42:14):
train or subway tracks and likeyou're, you know, as a train's
coming, and then jumping off ofthem before it gets that close,
which is way like, but thinkingabout it like, I grew up around
train tracks and we used to runthe train tracks all the time
like and the train.
We had a train that came and itwas a very slow train.
It wasn't like a fast train oranything.
It was this little train thatwent back and forth and and it
would be off in the distance andwe didn't act like we were

(42:34):
scared of it.
I don't think it was the samething though, wasn't?

Speaker 1 (42:37):
like a stand by me episode where you had to run
across the bridge.

Speaker 2 (42:40):
Exactly, I got you um , while holding, like a sharp
object, the thought of cuttingyourself, you know like, oh,
this is sharp, this would.
And I think about that becauseas a kid I can remember anytime
I picked up a razor I would runmy finger across it, like, just
like, and I knew it was gonnacut me.
But every single time I'd doneit and I can remember cutting my

(43:01):
finger multiple times beinglike huh well, that cut me
that's wild, because what youbrought up in my head just now
was something I wanted to sayearlier.

Speaker 1 (43:09):
Every time I have you , when I was younger, had a
ladder in my hand, I alwayswanted to like, I always held it
over my hand like this yeah,I'd hold my palm flat above the
lighter and I would light thelighter until it hurt so bad and
I had to pull my hand away.
I don't know why.
I'd done that, right, like ithurt, like hell, but I would
light it and then I would pullit away and I'd let it cool down
and I'd do it again.
And they do that repeatedly forsome reason.

Speaker 2 (43:30):
Yes.
Wow the idea of putting a metalobject into an electrical
outlet.
I could just put that fork inthat outlet.

Speaker 1 (43:37):
I put a fork out in high school no sorry, Paper clip
in high school in an outlet.

Speaker 2 (43:42):
That's dumb.
It sucked yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
It was like Everybody laughed.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
It's like the battery to the tongue that I'm volt
yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:48):
I've done that plenty of times.
Yeah, yeah, that sucks.
The paper clip in the outletwas just.

Speaker 2 (43:52):
I think, yeah, that's really dangerous.

Speaker 1 (43:54):
I think it was for like to make everybody laugh
because I thought it'd be funny.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
That's not funny.
I think it hurt my bones.
Yeah, I don't remember.

Speaker 1 (44:00):
I remember it sucked, though.

Speaker 2 (44:01):
Right.
And then the last one that I'vegot on my fingers but you think
about, like all those movieswhere like that's a thing, oh my
god.

Speaker 1 (44:17):
You know, something I couldn't do.
I could never want to shovesomething in my eyes, though oh,
no, never you know how I'mabout eyes.
I could never.
There's no call of the anything.
There's no call the wild.
There's no bear grills.
There's no liam neeson.
There's no call the void.
That can make me ever want topretend, think about, do or act
upon shoving something in mydamn eyes.

Speaker 2 (44:37):
Right.

Speaker 1 (44:38):
I am weird about my eyes.

Speaker 2 (44:39):
You are very weird about your eyes.
Don't mess with my eyes, like,even if you've got like an
eyelash and I'm like hey, Igotta get something to use.

Speaker 1 (44:45):
Or like freaking out.

Speaker 2 (44:57):
Well, that's the best thing I got going for me.
Yeah, pretty bad.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
I don't think everything's failing maybe not
everything, hey but my eyes aregood, your eyes are good.

Speaker 2 (45:00):
I can see from here to right, I don't know where, I
don't know where to see.
Cross the road further than Ican babylon, where's that at?
Definitely not.

Speaker 1 (45:04):
It's there no no, I don't see across the road I
don't see the neighbors doingshady shit well, that's a lie
our neighbor.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
We did watch neighbors do.

Speaker 1 (45:12):
Some say we weren't our neighbors, but oh yeah, we
watched some neighborssomebody's neighbors do some
shady shit.
That's all right, though Iain't no snitch no, we didn't
have to snitches get stitches.
They did, they got caught quicklike I was making so much?
You're making a chicken salad.
And they were caught quick.
There was cops showed upwherever messed with their own

(45:33):
people.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Yeah, I like it.

Speaker 1 (45:35):
Not really.

Speaker 2 (45:36):
But so what causes cause of the void?
Nobody knows.
There's no clear for sureanswer, but it's just, it's
thought to be related to justthe wiring of the brain, that
it's just something that'sdifferent within people of the

(45:56):
brain, that it's just somethingthat's different within people.
So individuals, like I said,with higher reported anxiety
levels were more likely to havefelt the call than those with
low levels of anxiety.
The lead researcher, jenniferHames, who did research as a
clinical psychologist at FloridaState University she's also now
the clinical professor orassistant clinical professor of

(46:17):
psychology at the University ofNotre Dame concluded that,
somewhat paradoxically, the callof the void could well be a
person subconscious attemptingto encourage a greater
appreciation for what it feelslike to be alive Right, as
opposed to wanting to luresomeone to their demise.
So the study seems to indicatethat the call to void indicates

(46:41):
that someone has a higher thanaverage degree of sensitivity
when it comes to experiencing,interpreting those cues.
So it's just like maybe you'remore of a thrill seeker or you
know something like that.
There was a second study done in2020, and they used two groups.
The first group had 276 adultsand they did like an online

(47:05):
questionnaire, and then thesecond group had 94 participants
that were known to have aclinical fear of flying.
So with this study they foundthat those who experienced
suicidal thoughts were alsolikely to have felt the call of
the void, but they didn'tbelieve that it revealed a link

(47:27):
between experiencing and wantingto harm oneself.
So it didn't prove that youknow you had intended harm or
wanted harm for yourself.
They kind of came to that sameconclusion.
The phenomenon is more oftenreported by people who react to
the body signal rather anxiouslyis what they explained.

(47:52):
And you know, in other words,people who experience like
shaking, like dizziness, muscletwitches, are more likely to
recall experiencing this.
So it seems as though it'ssomething that many people,
regardless of being suicidal andeven anxiety, feel, and they

(48:12):
just kind of concluded that it'snormal and it's not a sign of
any kind of psychopathology.
So it's, you know, like it'snot a sign of any kind of
psychopathology.
So it's, you know, like it'snot like a mental thing, it's
not going to be something thatwe're going to classify into a
mental disorder.

Speaker 1 (48:28):
I follow that.
Yeah, I believe that more thanI do anything else, because I
don't think that I like to think.
I don't have any kind of mentaldisorder.
I don't have a lot ofdepression.
I don't have a lot of normallydisorder, I don't have a lot of
depression, I don't have a lotof normally anxiety.
I don't have a lot of suicidalthoughts.
But I have that thought and, aswe've not told people in detail
about this episode, as wementioned what it was about and

(48:50):
said, hey, you know it's we'vekind of ran down.
It's kind of that feeling youget when you want to do this,
people be like, oh, I felt this,and it.
And it's kind of that feelingyou get when you want to do this
, people be like, oh, I feltthis, and it's people who, as
far as we know, as friends.
They don't deal with thesethings, so I do like that
explanation.
It's a explanation there you gomakes more sense to me.

(49:10):
That's just something thatmaybe people feel just randomly
and it's not associated withanything.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
It's just like if you're driving like, I can do it
you know, I think, from whatI've like researched and saw,
like it affected peopledifferent depending on if you
were what kind of class you fellinto.
If you were a person thatdidn't fall into having like a
mental disorder class, the waythat it affected you didn't
affect your daily life.
You know, if you were someonethat did and I have an instance

(49:38):
of that here, it's a guy namedMark and he has OCD, like a
fairly severe OCD, and he talkedin his I think it's a blog but
I won't guarantee that but hetalked about his first
experience with him, you know,with it, and he was, I believe
it was like walking across thebridge and he was like I should

(49:58):
jump and like, literally, waslike this voice in my head was
like you should just jump offthat bridge.
And at that point, because ofhis OCD, it led to an obsession
for him of avoiding any kind ofhigh places, you know, and it
got to this point that like hewas afraid to like go out of the
house.
He wouldn't go anywhere.
That was a high place withoutlike somebody being with him,

(50:20):
like it was just this.
He couldn't do it because itconsumed him, because he had
this mental disorder, so and Iwanted to talk about it because
I thought it was really cool,because he like found this way
to take like the control back,um, and he said you know, he was
very clear like these might notwork for everybody.
Definitely consult your doctor,see what works for you.
But when dealing with a mentaldisorder OCD, depression,

(50:43):
anxiety, bipolar, whatever itmay be what he did was he faced
his fear.
Number one he started walkingacross bridges, going to high
places, even moved into anapartment that was on the eighth
floor of his building.
He talked to his friends andfamily, because you're never
alone and it's a super commonthing.
He thought he was alone in this, that like it was some weird

(51:05):
thing.
It was just him, but it's notso many of us experience it and
it's just this weird, randomthing that happens.
He read about it, you know,because, number one, people fear
what they don't understand.
And when you don't understandsomething that's happening, like
you, what do you do?
You just get scared about it,and then you obsess about it and
and then it becomes thatoverwhelming um, and then you

(51:29):
know he got information from hisphysicians as well, like he
talked to them about it and heaccepted it.
You know, like these are thekind of you know, like those
steps you know, you accept herealized like a larger people,
large group of people, this hashas this and it's normal and I
accept that I'm one of thesekind of you know different
people.
We all have weird thoughtssometimes and it's okay.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
It's wild, though, because what he felt?
There's times that I felt likethe thoughts in my head were
going to be so strong.
There's times and that I'vedrove home or I've drove
somewhere and I've had thosethoughts that I was concerned
that they were going to be sooverwhelming that I was going to
do it, right.
I didn't do it, obviously, I'mhere, right.

(52:13):
I didn't want to do it, yep,but in my mind I was like, maybe
you stop.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
Stop what it yep.
But in my mind I was like,maybe you stop, stop.
What do you mean?
Like if do you feel like?

Speaker 1 (52:24):
it's going to be so overwhelming like stop the car?
Yeah, maybe, but I mean I'venot come to that point.
But I mean there's been timesthat I've just said to myself
like wow, it's a strong feeling,like it's stronger than it was
yeah I felt this way, like lastnight or yesterday or three days
ago, but today like, yeah, likeI've had the will in my hand,
like all you gotta do, all yougotta do is turn that wheel real
sharp, and it's that easy, likeit's that easy to turn that

(52:44):
wheel an eighth of a turn andyou're gone.
And so in my head sometimes I'vethought, man, like it's super
easy just to turn this wheel.
And I've thought to myself, man, those thoughts are like you,
yeah, overwhelming, and I foughtthose thoughts.
I was so I like inside that's awin because I was able to fight
those thoughts.
Yep, I was able not to do andI'm not suicidal, I'm not
depressed, I'm not those thingsRight but that thought in my

(53:07):
head was so powerful sometimesthat I just wanted to be like
wow, yep, and I don't know whereI wanted to go, I don't know
what I wanted to accomplish,want to die yeah, well, yeah, I
get that like I get that feelingthat it's like it's way too
much.
Sometimes it's like you justdon't want to do it, man.
You just you're afraid you'regonna give into it yep, I get
that too.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
wow, and my favorite of this and maybe it's because
I'm dysfunctional, because maybeit's a dysfunctional thing but
his very last piece of advicewas to make fun of it.
And he said you know right orwrong, you know, maybe it's
right, it's wrong, but in themoment or after the moments, if
you can laugh at yourself or thecrazy of Call of the Void, then

(53:45):
you're probably going to beokay.
You know, like, if you can kindof laugh and joke about it, I
can be like oh yeah, liketotally was, like I should jump
off that bridge, like probablygoing to be okay.

Speaker 1 (53:55):
I get that too.

Speaker 2 (53:56):
You know, being able to have a sense of humor, and I
don't think it's, you know, likeyou know.
It's like being able to jokearound about Mitch Foote, even
though we knew how serious thatwas and how serious it is.

Speaker 1 (54:09):
You're joking around about Mitch Foote.
I'm taking that shit serious ashell.

Speaker 2 (54:12):
You're joking around a little bit.
I've heard you talk to people.
Maybe Right bit I've heard youtalk to people.
Maybe right, but going back tolike three dollars a month and
I'll show it to you, that'sright.
See, exactly, I didn't offer toshow it to people for money,
but I got all them pictures onmy phone for free but I'd prefer
to be paid for it how you thinkthe bills are getting paid this
month.
I'm paid for my beauty, don'tworry about that.

Speaker 1 (54:32):
That's how we're paying that electric bill right,
right.

Speaker 2 (54:35):
But you know we were talking about that whole, like
that overwhelming thing, andwe've talked for a year now
about taking the entire familyon a cruise.
And I tell you, like our kidsare older, they're not young
kids, you know, they're not kidsthat like you're going to put
on a leash, like they're at theage that they're fun.
You know, the youngest is 12.
The oldest is going to be 22.

Speaker 1 (54:55):
So these are not on a leash.
He would drink us to death.

Speaker 2 (54:57):
Well maybe, maybe, but like we're not talking about
, like young kids that we haveto worry about getting out of
hand away from us.
But I have such an overwhelmingfear of taking them on a cruise
ship.
And after we started mentioningCall of the Void and I started
researching it, I was like youknow, I think this is that that
anxiety thing, because I went onmy very first cruise with you.

(55:20):
You took me on my very firstcruise a year and a half ago,
two years ago now, however longit was.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
So we took it last January.
Last January, so a year ago,almost a year and a half ago.

Speaker 2 (55:30):
So took that cruise and we got a balcony room.
But my first thought lookingover the balcony into the ocean
was you could just jump room.
But my first thought lookingover the balcony into the ocean
was you could just jump.
And so many.
I know it's not a lot, butpeople fall off sometimes, or
whatever happens to make peoplefall off.
And it made me question andwonder, like is this call of the
void stuff?
And then I thought afterreading this, like do my kids

(55:53):
have these thoughts and would mykids be dumb enough to act on
it?
And I love them and they're notdumb kids.
But I'm also like what if theywere in a bad place?
Or what if, you know, our 22year old had too many drinks?
And like that thought crossedhis mind and he jumped.
And then my other thought waswhat if they were dumb enough to
try to sit on the side of arailing to take a selfie and
fall off?

(56:14):
So so like I have this like wild, overwhelming fear of like, I
guess of people acting upon it.
But what was amazing inresearching it was seeing that
most people and I mean like 99%of people do not act upon this.
It's a fleeting thing, Likeit's.
It's not something that lastsforever.
Um, it's not something thatlasts the entire time you're on

(56:37):
a bridge or, like you know, theentire time you're driving or
whatever, and for the most part,the studies have shown that it
does not correlate with, youknow, being suicidal.
It more correlates with aresponse of a desire to survive

(56:58):
and the want to live, not thewant to die.
So that's just a wild thing.

Speaker 1 (57:04):
I mean, you know it's different because I think
everybody I don't know ifeverybody's experienced it, but
I like to assume that probablyhave.
Man, I mean I think everybody.
Maybe, if you look back and youthink about times, you wanted
to do something weird like youprobably had maybe not as
profound as like I thinkeverybody.
Maybe, if you look back and youthink about times, you wanted
to do something weird like youprobably had a maybe not as
profound as like I want to jumpoff the Newport Bridge, I want

(57:25):
to drive in that semi.
But you've had some kind ofweird thought, like I want to, I
wonder what if I have to drivethis knife across my fingers?
Or I want to burn you know justsomething that was going to
hurt, was going to burn, wasgoing to scar, was going to
injure, but you didn't do itSomething that would be harmful.

Speaker 2 (57:43):
Right there, you're harmful.

Speaker 1 (57:43):
Yeah, harmful or even deadly, yeah, that you didn't
do, but you could do it.
And I think that's it, that'sthe choice that, like you, it's
maybe your way to say you wantto live, to say you want to live
.
Or these people who, whoactually go through some kind of
traumatic event and they livethrough it, they're able to say

(58:04):
they defeated like they defeateddeath, like people have fell
through niagara falls and livedthey defeated it right they've
defeated death.
People have survived, likewrecks or whatever, and they've
survived.
All sorts of things right andthey've, so maybe for people
who's not, because I've neverdone anything the guy that fell
off the cruise ship and lived.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
People don't live falling off a cruise ship.

Speaker 1 (58:25):
He survived for like a day and a half in the water
and was like ready to go onanother cruise which I want to
cruise with that guy.

Speaker 2 (58:31):
He played electric air guitar like a mother, I
don't know, I put him on a leash.

Speaker 1 (58:37):
You guys should look that dude up.
He fell for cruise ship leavingout of new orleans or alabama,
I don't remember which one uh onthe first night it was during
thanksgiving.
Uh, dude was.
Last thing he remembers was inan air guitar contest and he won
they asked him if he had alittle too much to drink, and
the video they show shows himsliding across the floor with a

(58:57):
blue like power sliding with aballoon guitar.
And then he remembers waking upin the water where he swam and
yeah, he traded water for like28 hours or something like.

Speaker 2 (59:07):
He like discarded his clothes because they were
weighing him down and he justlike check this guy because he
survived some amazing interviews.

Speaker 1 (59:13):
That guy is, you know so people.
Maybe it's for people whohaven't done anything like that.
Like me, I've never experiencedanything other than being
septic from a foot, anythinglife-threatening.
So maybe my desire to driveinto traffic or drive off a
cliff and me not doing it, is mymentally way of being like I
conquered death yeahsubconsciously maybe, that's me

(59:36):
saying like I could do this,right, I could die.
Right, I could go out right nowand get in the car and drive on
the other side of the road up tothe curve and hit somebody head
on and die.
Yeah, I don't want to, but youcould do it right, I could do it
.
There's a lot of things I coulddo to die, and so if you make
that conscious decision not todo it, yep maybe that's me
saying man look, I beat deathlike death ain't got shit on me,

(59:59):
that final destination ain'tgot it on me oh look, I'm not
playing with that, I get behinda lot of log trucks, especially
here in moorhead, becausethere's all kinds of y'all's
pallet companies and logcompanies and I get behind those
a lot a lot.

Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
I think about that a lot sawmills, a lot of sawmills.

Speaker 1 (01:00:17):
Well, I know, but there's like they're pallet
mills too I mean there's one.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
There's not a lot of pallet mills in warhead, but
yeah, listen to her, listen toher been specific.
I'm not saying specific pacific, pacific, pacific I love when
people call specific pacific,but really like I think maybe
that's a big thing.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
Man is like, right, maybe it's is.
If you've not experiencedanything like that, it's your
way of like putting yourself inthat category, like I've never
had that almost like anempathetic thing right like.
I've never defeated death, butyou have, because you could have
drove into traffic yesterday.
You could have drove across themedian into a semi and died,
but you didn't.
That desire was here, but yousaid f that and I'm gonna drive

(01:01:00):
on.

Speaker 2 (01:01:00):
My desire to live was more right.

Speaker 1 (01:01:01):
So that's your way of saying, hey, I'm gonna live
right.
So I don't know.
I think that's a.
This was a cool subject becauseit's there's so much that's
open to perception yeah it's allhow you take it and it's all
how you want to see it, butthere's a lot of scientific
stuff behind it, but it's stilllike, at the same time, it's all
how you take it and it's allhow you want to see it, but
there's a lot of scientificstuff behind it, but it's still
like.

Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
But at the same time, it's not hugely studied.
Like I said, both of these weretiny, tiny.

Speaker 1 (01:01:28):
It's wild to me that it's not studied more, because
there's so much random stuffstudied and this is such a
phenomenon that happens to somany people that it should be
studied because it seems, ifyou're and I don't, I don't mean
to offend anybody and I willoffend all kinds of people, I'm
sure but if you're mentallyunstable already and this hits

(01:01:49):
you, it seems like it could becatastrophic.
If you're in a bad place of mind, if you're already.
Maybe you had a bad week, a badday.
You're already a little.
Maybe suicide is not the rightword, but you're already a
little down on yourself.
You're already a littlewhatever.
Yeah and all of a sudden rightand you gotta drive on 64 to
lexington or to wherever you'regoing and you're like right how

(01:02:11):
easy it'd be.
Just be like effort.
I'm gonna end it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
you know what I didn't look into, because I
looked at it from like ascientific point, because we're
I mean, we're called Drunk inDarkness and it's weird things.
But I'm sure that there is afaith point of this.
You know, I'm sure that on theand maybe there is something
that ties into it I didn't seeit Everything really pushed back
to the 2012 study, but I'm surethat there's somewhere within

(01:02:41):
12 study, but I'm sure thatthere's somewhere within.
I mean, I don't know, I wouldthink like Catholic archives or
something, because they'reprobably the most scientific of
you know your religions, but I'msure there's some sort of like
faith point within it of if youwere a religious person, that
you know that.
You know the call of the voidis really something like the
enemy, the devil, speaking intoyour ear, saying you could just

(01:03:04):
jump, but being able to likethat good angel, angel, demon on
your shoulder, whatever angel,devil kind of thing, and that
that will to live is like thatgood angel.
That's there, that's like.

Speaker 1 (01:03:16):
I'm not going to do that because I'm going to live
Right.
I get that.

Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
So I'm sure there's that kind of perspective too.

Speaker 1 (01:03:22):
But I, you know, I just it's wild, it's open, it
really is, but there's so thereshould I feel like there should
be so, so much more.

Speaker 2 (01:03:32):
Well, you know what?
I guess I'm gonna have tobecome like a scientist, a
psychologist.
I'm gonna be a psychologistwound nurse, whatever, because I
need to know about.

Speaker 1 (01:03:41):
Call of the Void.
Now that's the dumbest shitI've ever heard.
You know, I just read a book.

Speaker 2 (01:03:45):
All the letters behind my name say read the book
.
There's no more books on it.
Nobody else is looking at it,You're not going to do it.
That's a lie.

Speaker 1 (01:04:00):
I'm sure there are people, but like I want to know,
well, I mean we know what weknow.
Uh, I mean, I don't, I don'tknow.
I think it just boils down tothat.
I think it's a a thing that weself-consciously decide you know
what boils down to?

Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
it boils down to finding a study of people that
have this experience that willthen donate their brains to
science, to study after the fact, to see if there's something
different about the brain ofthese people versus the people
that insist they've never feltit nope, we don't believe.

Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
So I mean that we can do that.

Speaker 2 (01:04:29):
But I don't think that's gonna answer because
there's a ton of things outthere that they're saying it's
the wiring of the brain who'ssaying that one person?

Speaker 1 (01:04:37):
well, there's a ton of people.
One person says that I couldsay it was because it was sunny
on the days they interviewedthese people and they felt a
different way but why not study?
There's a study there okay, butthere could be a study like
that.
What if, the day the studyhappened, those people they
interviewed were just in goodmoods?

Speaker 2 (01:04:53):
I don't think it was a daily study, like a one day
study.
What was it like?

Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
right, we don't know.
I mean, it could have beenanything.
Maybe they were just today,they asked certain questions in
a good mood, like ctt's or cteis different, like if you you
take the brain out and see likethose qualities.
I think it wasn't, I don't know.
Maybe so maybe you're right.

Speaker 2 (01:05:12):
I mean it's not.

Speaker 1 (01:05:13):
I don't think it was like that well I don't know, you
know maybe you're right maybeyou know people who don't eat
their brains and they can see ifthere's a difference in those
people.
But what do you?
How are you going to?
How do you judge that?
Because majority of thesepeople didn't didn't commit
suicide.

Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
So there's not a correlation to suicide right,
but how are you gonna?

Speaker 1 (01:05:33):
how are you gonna justify or dignify what people,
your interview or your brainsare taking?
People that agree that, what,that it happens and what are you
looking for?
That's the thing, like.
I feel that way.
I've had these instances you'reasking what?

Speaker 2 (01:05:49):
what you look for like you're.
You're not a scientist, I'm nota scientist.
So what we look for within thebrain I?

Speaker 1 (01:05:55):
mean that's.
That's not on me to know, Idon't mean what we look for, but
what people like.
What group of people do youtake, because you've got so many
people that just like we agreethat it's certain things and
we're polar opposites, exactly,and that's what you would want.

Speaker 2 (01:06:08):
You would want an array of different people.
You would want an array of whatqualifies as different races,
of what qualifies as varying.
You know, having a mentaldisorder versus not having a
mental disorder, you know.
You would want a large portionof people, a large group of
people that are different sothat you can see if there is

(01:06:30):
something within the brain thatis similar, that could tie all
of this together, versus a verystaggeringly different group of
people that have all said Inever had that feeling you're
right, I never had that yeah Igot you okay so what if you?

Speaker 1 (01:06:47):
you know I mean, I know we're not scientists, but
those scientists come togetherand there's nothing in the brain
.
What do you think that?
What do you think the answer is?
Then it's just a spiritual orthat's where you go back to
maybe the whole I beat deathkind of answer.
Yeah, I mean, it's just aspiritual or that's where you go
back to maybe the whole I beatdeath kind of answer yeah, I
mean it's just.

Speaker 2 (01:07:04):
It's just something like that's wild you would have
to like, create, you know, likeit how it goes, like you have
your hypothesis and you putforth you know what, what you
hope to find, what you thinkyou'll find, and then so
basically this is like I meanlike years of research.
Oh gosh, yeah, I guarantee it.

Speaker 1 (01:07:22):
But it would be cool to find out.

Speaker 2 (01:07:24):
Maybe that's going on and they just haven't released
it.

Speaker 1 (01:07:26):
Maybe.
I mean, I would like to know ifit's something in somebody's
brain or something about certainpeople Like maybe 85% of you
know Caucasian males experiencethis, compared to 85% of
African-American males who don'texperience this, compared to 85
percent of african-americanmales who don't right experience
this because whatever.

Speaker 2 (01:07:43):
It was like something super crazy.
That was like well, you know,people have this percentage of,
you know, blue-eyed people orpeople that shit.

Speaker 1 (01:07:54):
Don't say blue.
Why you gotta say blue eyes?
For what are you trying to say?

Speaker 2 (01:07:57):
I do, you're like, I don't have blue eyes, just wear
by yourself I'm not worriedabout myself, it's because you
have blue eyes and I don't.
Okay.
Well, I get that, I get that.

Speaker 1 (01:08:05):
I get what you just said she's like I ain't got blue
eyes you do though kind ofbullshit is that people that
have hazel eyes?

Speaker 2 (01:08:12):
I don't know.
I was just trying to think ofsomething random, oh, you
thought, you see where you wentstraight.
We talked about your goodeyeballs, so wow, y'all heard
here.

Speaker 1 (01:08:24):
First I get it nonsense it is, though, like
it's a wild thing, so it'ssomething that what's cool about
this is it was so differentthan what we usually do, but
it's also again so empty-ended.
Yeah, because now I don't knowthe answer.
Anxiety, you can't read theanswer I don't give a shit about

(01:08:45):
it, because I'm going to stillgo to work.

Speaker 2 (01:08:48):
I ain't going to go to work.
You're not going to work rightnow.

Speaker 1 (01:08:50):
The next day I drive on 64,.
I make that urge, but in mymind I'm going to beat that ass
and I'm't going to.
I'm not going to swerve intotraffic because I got shit to do
.

Speaker 2 (01:08:59):
I got to do all this you got to be here because I
can't be doing this on my own.

Speaker 1 (01:09:03):
I mean you can, I'll give you the computer password
and stuff.
It's fine, it'll be likelistening to me and it'll split
personalities.

Speaker 2 (01:09:11):
It'll be like listening to you that day.
You were kind of a dick.
Hey, finish talking.

Speaker 1 (01:09:17):
No, that was awesome.
And I say that and I don't Iusually give her a lot of shit
after episodes, but honestly,I've been super intrigued about
this because I got that a lotand, prior to her ever
mentioning what we were going todo in this episode, I'd always
wondered what that.
I didn't wonder what thatfeeling was.
I honestly thought it was likea weird suicidal feeling I had

(01:09:39):
and I wasn't suicidal, but I waslike why do I want to do that
stuff for?
So it's cool that you broughtthat up, because you did bring
it up out of nowhere, Like Ididn't ask you to do this.

Speaker 2 (01:09:48):
No.

Speaker 1 (01:09:49):
You didn't ask me for a suggestion.
You said I mentioned you.
I said what are we going to dofor our first episode when we
come back?
Come back because we were readyto come back strong, we were
ready to come back like good wenot that we we weren't I'm first
to say, our first few episodeslike we did six first time, and
we just didn't have the rightsetup.
We weren't like good, like wewanted to be, and I said I want
to go in this good, heavy,strong, I want to make this what

(01:10:11):
we do right.
And you said we're going tocall the void and I was like
what the fuck is call the void?
And when me I was like that'sthat shit I get when I go to
work, I thought it was just adesire not to go to work.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
I mean that might be part of it.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
Maybe a little but it hit home because I get that a
lot.
I remember going to the cliffsin Grayson Lake, which if you're
not from our area you don'tknow what Grayson Lake is, but
it's just a lake with cliffsthat people jump off of when
they go swimming.
They go from like 20 feet to 30to 80, 100 feet and I didn't

(01:10:45):
want to jump off the big 100feet one, 100 foot, 100 feet,
whatever the correct is.
But I would go to the edge alot and look and I'd hold that
foot over and knowing that itwas safe then because if you
jumped I would probably survive,like I knew people that jumped
and like busted their shins ortheir feet open but you would
survive.
But I got that same urge fromgoing over to the edge and like

(01:11:05):
looking.

Speaker 2 (01:11:06):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (01:11:06):
Or putting my foot over the edge and kind of
hanging out there for a minute,I got that same urge.
Yeah, but when I went to biggerbuildings in the city, like we
go to Cincinnati or something,and we would wind up, you know,
on a high building or in a highroom or a balcony.

Speaker 2 (01:11:21):
Or walking across the bridge to Newport.

Speaker 1 (01:11:23):
The Newport Bridge, or even a cruise ship, Like I
often think on a cruise ship,like what would it be like if I
just fell over?
What if I just jumped over,Knowing that I wouldn't survive
or something?
But it was just that urge to doit.

Speaker 2 (01:11:33):
For me.
With the water I'm always likethat looks so nice, you should
jump in.

Speaker 1 (01:11:38):
In my head.
I always think I can survivewater no matter what, even in a
plane crash.
When I flew to Paris.
From New York to Paris was 11hours.
Most of that was over water.

Speaker 2 (01:11:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:11:47):
I never worried a bit because in my mind it's water,
I'll survive.

Speaker 2 (01:11:53):
There ain't a damn chance I'll survive.
No, 10,000 feet to water islike hitting concrete.

Speaker 1 (01:11:55):
But in my mind it's water but that I'll survive it
did come, I was like I'll makeit, I'll be good, yeah, but I
know I wouldn't people surviveplane crashes all the time.

Speaker 2 (01:12:04):
Why can't you I mean maybe not all the time, but
people- probably because I gottwo bad legs.

Speaker 1 (01:12:08):
I'm fat, that's exactly why you'll survive now,
because your legs will relaxbecause they'll bend up and
break behind me and I'm so, I'mso mean I'm like it's like a, a
drunk driver that survives.
You're mean.
Think about that when we finishthis party.
You think about how mean youare.
I know, think about that.
Y'all heard that.
First too, my sister.

Speaker 2 (01:12:28):
I'm so mean, my sister told me last time I seen
her she was like you're such abitch I didn't say it, just know
I didn't say it.
Hey, listen it's been fun callthe void it's a real thing, yeah
uh, back to something else.

Speaker 1 (01:12:43):
I wanted to get back to suicide prevention.
If you're feeling it, callthose numbers, text those
numbers, call somebody.
Yeah, don't let it take you out.
Uh, if, no matter what you'regoing through, somebody will
listen there is a light, yeah,at the end of the tunnel.
It's not I'm not gonna say whatyou're going through is not
like there is a light, yeah, atthe end of the tunnel.
It's not.
I'm not gonna say what you'regoing through is not like the
worst thing in the world.
I will never say it to anybodyno but we can listen and

(01:13:05):
hopefully listening will help.
We can talk and hopefullytalking will help.
I don't know what you're goingthrough, I don't know what your
past is like and I don't reallycare, but I will be here to
listen to you.
Then amanda will be here tolisten to you somebody's on the
other end to listen to what youhave going on, or just listen to
you vent man.
There's times that amandalistens to me vent about
nonsense and she don't say aword.
I just want to talk, I justwant to get it all out, and I do

(01:13:28):
, and that helps me tremendously.
So don't ever feel like you'realone, because you're not, I
swear to god, you're not alonecall that number.
If you don't want to call it, Iknow you can text it, google it,
whatever it be.
I think we gave you the numbers.
Call a friend, call a familymember, call us, text us,
message us online.
I'll talk to you all day.
I love talking to people.

Speaker 2 (01:13:49):
He might not let you talk.
He loves to talk.

Speaker 1 (01:13:52):
If I've talked mad or all you, I'll tell you all
about everything.
But, if you want me to shut upand listen, I will too.
Other than that, what do we gotgoing on?

Speaker 2 (01:14:01):
What do we?
Got Another episode coming soon.

Speaker 1 (01:14:03):
Yes, so episodes Wednesdays is what we're
shooting for Every Wednesday.
New episodes every Wednesday,so be on the lookout for those.
Facebook Instagram.

Speaker 2 (01:14:17):
Patreon.

Speaker 1 (01:14:18):
Patreon.

Speaker 2 (01:14:19):
We're talking about TikTok.
We just got to figure it.
Patreon we're talking aboutTikTok, we just got to figure it
out.

Speaker 1 (01:14:21):
We're going to put some videos on TikTok.
You might see some weird shiton TikTok.
We're just pushing everything.
We don't push Patreon for themoney.
I just honestly started aPatreon because I heard about it
.
We do have tiers tears.
Like I said, we started outcheap, like I don't want to take

(01:14:42):
nobody's money.
Gas is high, groceries are high, electrics high.
Three dollars a month, fivedollars a month, and we'll give
you some extra, extra stuffright, we just thought it'd be
cool yeah, we thought we'd liketo see some pictures of my feet,
maybe some pictures of amandadoing dumb shit maybe some
Behind the scenes seeing ourjank setup right now.
Yeah, we are a little janksetup.

(01:15:04):
We're getting there, but italso comes with more.
It ain't all you're gettingLike.
There's going to be some Q&A,there's going to be some bonus
episodes if you hook up.
And honestly, maybe somelistener requests We'll do that
you let us know what you want tosee on there.
Tell you what we have zero,because we just started their

(01:15:27):
Patreon.
We have zero, zero followers orpatrons.
They're called yeah, so I'lltell you what.
The first person that joins ifthey want to give us a topic.
Boom, you done.
Decided First person to join.
You give us a topic it's yours.

Speaker 2 (01:15:45):
Is it a Patreon topic extra episode or a real extra
episode?

Speaker 1 (01:15:49):
It'll just be the next episode.
Whenever they join, the nextepisode we do will be whatever
they say.
Okay, given we have time to doit, you will be the next episode
to do.

Speaker 2 (01:15:57):
It will be a very soon episode.
It you will be the next episodeto do.
It will be a very soon episode.

Speaker 1 (01:16:00):
Right, it will be the next or the next next episode.
Yeah, as long as we got time todo the research.
The first person to join thePatreon?

Speaker 2 (01:16:06):
By we he means me.

Speaker 1 (01:16:07):
I do mean her, because I'm going to.
You know, I just drink and domy thing.

Speaker 2 (01:16:10):
He's going to research liquor labels.

Speaker 1 (01:16:13):
Your two tiers.
As I'm looking it up right now,we've got Sippin' and Scared.
For $3 a month, you're going toget some behind-the-scenes
footage.
You're going to see how Amandaand I throw in a Drunken
Darkness sticker.
You're going to get somestories, some things like that
exclusive content, someshenanigans $5 a month.

(01:16:35):
We call that the tipsy andterrified.
You're going to get all thosebenefits from the $3 a month.
We call that the tipsy andterrified.
You're going to get all thosebenefits from the $3 a month.
You're going to get anexclusive Q&A with Amanda and I.
So you want to ask some dumbquestions about, like, how I got
Mitch foot or why I limp like Ido, or why she's abusive, like
she is or whatever she is, andwhy I take it, why.

Speaker 2 (01:16:54):
I take it Don't be telling lies.

Speaker 1 (01:16:56):
I'm not, it's just really pretty.

Speaker 2 (01:17:00):
It's fine though, but I'm not mean and abusive Well,
you know.

Speaker 1 (01:17:02):
Well, it depends.
We'll let the listeners takeeffect of that.
You also get a surprise miniweekly episode with the $5 a
month.
You get that sticker, you getall that stuff.
But you can check it out onPatreon.
Just search Drunken Darkness.
It'll pull us up and if you dodecide to join, you decide to
spend your hard-earned money onus.
We promise you won't bedisappointed and we definitely

(01:17:24):
appreciate all the support yougive us.
What else?
We got new shirts.
We've got shirts, Shirts.

Speaker 2 (01:17:31):
We do have shirts Limited edition shirts.

Speaker 1 (01:17:33):
We're only doing 50.
50 shirts, that's it.
We're cutting it off.
Limited edition 50 first runsof the Drunken Darkness podcast.
They are badass and awesomelooking, so check those out.
You can find them on our socialmedia Other than that.
We're on Instagram, we're onFacebook, we're on all the

(01:17:55):
podcast platforms.
Any podcast platform you canfind us on.
We have a Twitter.
I've not pushed all the podcastplatforms, any podcast platform
you can find us on.
I've not up the.
We have a Twitter.
I've not pushed it Cause I'llbe honest with you, I don't know
if anybody can give a shitabout Twitter anymore.
Uh, we're going to do some techtalking pretty soon, I think.
Uh, we're on Patreon, we'reeverywhere, and if we get tired
and sickening to you and you seeus a bunch, I'm sorry.

(01:18:17):
That's just what's going tohappen, because we're going to
push the hell out of things.
That's right and we're going tobe in your face and make sure
you like what we're doing.
Other than that, I do want tosay one thing.
My boy, matt Cotto, has startedhis own little company.
So for anybody listening that'sinto extreme sports,
specifically rollerblading, ifyou check out Instagram at

(01:18:42):
Fleabcorp, that isP-H-L-E-B-C-O-R-P.
Fleabcorp.
It is his new company calledFleabo, where he is making some
rad stuff for rollerbladers.
I think he does a little stufffor other maybe skateboarders
and things like that but mainlyrollerbladers.

(01:19:03):
So if anybody is listening whois into rollerbladers, please
check out his Instagram Again.
That's PhlebeCorp.
P-h-l-e-b-c-o-r-p Company iscalled Phlebo.
That is P-H-L-E-b-o.
So definitely please check thatout.
Make sure you let him know thatwe sent you that way.

(01:19:24):
Check him out again.
The theme song you heard at thebeginning and what you're gonna
hear when you're done coryshepherd music his wife or
fiance, whatever she be autumnat atomic soul music, art, art,
atomic.
So art, whatever it's, it'skind of the same thing.
Beyonce, whatever she be Autumnat Atomic Soul Music, art, art,
atomic Soul Art, whatever, it'skind of the same thing.
Corey Shepard Music Atomic SoulArt.

Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
That's correct.

Speaker 1 (01:19:45):
That's what they are.

Speaker 2 (01:19:47):
I'm drinking they know that you got this.
It's fine.
I got it, it's fine.
Check them out because they'reamazing.
Yes, all three.

Speaker 1 (01:19:53):
Corey Shepard does a lot of stuff.
Local when I say local,tri-state area as far as
festivals and music little musicfestivals around that you'll
see Atomic.
So Art you can probably find onFacebook.
She does a lot of artisticstuff, obviously due to the name
, and again Matt is rocking outfor you rollerbladers, Anything.

(01:20:16):
I have said plenty.
I'm drinking, I'm just going torambleble.
What do you got before we end?

Speaker 2 (01:20:21):
I mean, I think I've got like, we'll see you next
time.
You know, let's um wednesday,wednesday wednesday, this
episode is dropping.

Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
If you're listening today, on the day it dropped is
gonna be march 8th wednesday, soyou can expect a new episode in
a week from now.

Speaker 2 (01:20:39):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (01:20:41):
That is going to drop for you then.

Speaker 2 (01:20:42):
So get ready, get ready and get weird.

Speaker 1 (01:20:45):
Get weird.
That'll be March 15th Episode 2.

Speaker 2 (01:20:47):
And get your drinks handy.

Speaker 1 (01:20:48):
Yeah, get a strong drink, A hard drink, because
you're going to need it.
Bye.