April 9, 2025 • 30 mins
Death has a way of bringing out the complicated, messy, and sometimes absurd qualities in families – and nowhere is this more evident than at funerals. Kerry and Chrisy take listeners on a journey through the peculiar social dynamics that emerge when we gather to say goodbye to loved ones.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
DJ Nick (00:07):
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:20):
Welcome Dysfunction Junkies.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:24):
and I'm Chrissy.
Kerry (00:25):
We got a good one today.
I don't know how you look atthe topic today and say it's a
good one.
Oh, it's a good one that one'sgoing to be on you, Kerry
Today we're going to talk about what brings out the best
and the worst of people andfamilies.
There's two things funerals andweddings, and today we're going
(00:46):
to talk about funerals Exciting.
Like we said in the beginning,this is our safe space.
This is where we talk aboutthings.
It's totally fine to expressyour feelings good, bad or
indifferent and also how we dealwith a lot of dysfunction,
trauma, anxiety, whatever youwant to call it is through humor
.
Chrisy (01:06):
I think that maybe these subjects come up because we
think how can I showcase howabsolutely disgraceful and
horrible Chrisy is?
Well, there's that too, yes, sothank you, yeah, because yeah
yeah.
Kerry (01:20):
Funerals Love them.
Chrisy (01:22):
Not, not, no, no.
Kerry (01:24):
Well, did you have a lot of funerals?
Did you go to a lot of funeralsas a child growing up?
First of all, let's start there.
Chrisy (01:30):
Yes, a lot More than probably most kids my age.
I think the first one I went toI was like six.
Oh, okay, my grandmother passedaway.
I was six or seven, yeah.
Kerry (01:41):
So your family toted you to a lot of funerals.
Chrisy (01:44):
Well, yeah, because how was I going to get a candy bar?
Because we had to go to thefuneral.
And then, if you listen to aprior episode, I told you the
superstition is that you can'tgo straight home.
Kerry (01:54):
Oh, and you would get the candy bar at the gas station
because you had to get out ofthe car.
Chrisy (01:59):
I'm forced to get out of the car at the gas station.
A hush puppy.
Kerry (02:09):
What do they used to call those slushy drinks?
Chrisy (02:10):
oh yeah, hush slushy or whatever the hell it was.
Oh yeah, I know what you'retalking about with a dog
7-eleven, I think it was.
Yeah, yeah, slush puppy, slushpuppy.
Yeah, part of my everydayhealthy diet the slush puppy and
a snicker bar.
Thank you there go.
Kerry (02:23):
I remember going to several funerals as a child, but
then there was like a big gapand it wasn't until in high
school that we had anotherlittle rash of funerals and then
there's been another big gap.
But now, getting the age we'regetting to, people are dying off
, so there's funerals.
Also that I work at a church,so there's funerals.
(02:46):
Also.
That I work at a church, sothere's funerals.
So lately I've had a lot offunerals and that's what brought
up this topic to my mind,because I think one of the best
places to people watch is at afuneral and a wedding.
But today we're talking aboutfunerals.
One of the things I findinteresting is well, first of
all, I got to tell you aboutthis funeral that we just went
to One of the priests at thecongregation that my mom and I
would go to.
(03:06):
A lot passed away and it was avery close friend of ours,
especially for my mom and thecommunity and everything.
We were going to calling hoursthe day before it was held at
the chapel where the priest wasfrom.
So we go into the chapel andthere he is laid out in the open
casket in the middle of thechapel, and we were there early.
We were like one of the firstones there and so the family was
(03:29):
up at the front of the churchand then, you know, the priest
was in the casket in the middleand then the other priest was
kind of standing nearby and thispriest is a particularly very
close friend of my mom's.
My mom like has a little crushon him, like she really really
likes this guy, has a littlecrush on him, like she really
really likes this guy, like in ain a catholic way.
I'm not saying like anythingelse but she just really adores
him.
Chrisy (03:49):
She has a lot of admiration she does yes so she,
what did you say?
Like the thorn birds, like thethorn birds, no, no, no no, no,
so bad, but in any case.
Kerry (04:00):
So my mom, you know, given her state you know it's
dementia and everything thefilter is no longer there and
kind of reading the room is nolonger there.
So we walk into the chapel andmy mom sees her favorite priest
that's still alive standing overand she says in a very loud
voice y'all need to quit dying.
(04:20):
It's too hard for me to get hereoh my gosh, I see nothing wrong
with that I wanted to just curlup in a little ball because in
me and the priest that's stillalive, we're like, oh you know,
(04:41):
and we were laughing because itwas so sweet and we knew what
she meant by it and everything,because it did take a lot to get
her there.
You know, she lives an hour anda half away, so she had to come
spend the night at my house sothat we could get her up in time
in the morning.
I mean, it was a process.
So we get her comment.
But again, the poor family,like the six family members that
were there having thisbeautiful rever family members
(05:03):
that were there having thisbeautiful reverent moment, you
know, their brother, their uncle, who was the priest, is lying
there in state in the room andthey're just all in total
respect.
And then my mom shouts this outand they all just kind of turn
around and look at us and I wasso, so embarrassed.
But well.
Chrisy (05:21):
that's why it's probably better to go to these, I guess
almost as a spectator.
Yes, Because that would be funto be sitting there.
That's what I'm saying.
Take a seat in the back andjust enjoy.
Right, horrible to say thatwhen someone has, you know,
passed away, no reflection onthem.
Kerry (05:37):
It's more about the crazy people who are around, you know
, mulling around in this roomtrying to do whatever, but
that's what got me to the peoplewatching because, you know, I
mean, I was there to pay myrespects to and it was.
It was a very sad loss and I'mso sad to see this priest pass
away, because he was reallyamazing person, but because I
(05:59):
was there with my mom and it wasreally more to make sure my mom
was there, I was there longerthan I maybe would have.
Like, normally, you go in, youpay your respects, you go, you
know, pray over the body andthen you leave, but I had to
stay.
So therefore I started peoplewatching.
Of course, a lot of this ispeople watching my mom, because
keeping tabs on mom, she neededto be kept tabs on.
(06:22):
So then, as we're sitting there,finally, after you know, my mom
was making many comments.
I mean that was just thehighlight reel there, but there
were many other things that shesaid that were also completely
inappropriate.
But again, everyone was sounderstanding of her and her
state and they just are so sweetto her.
But I finally was like OK, mom,you need to sit over here and
pray, say your prayers, you know.
(06:43):
So I got her calmed down, so Istarted watching people come in
and it's really interesting tosee how people act around a dead
body.
You get the people who ain'tgoing up at all.
They aren't going to go up.
They will purposely take thewidest, farthest route around
the room to get to the family.
Or maybe they don't even go upto the family because they don't
want to go near or see the body.
Completely understand andrespect that.
(07:04):
My husband is one of thosepeople does not like to go to
funerals.
I would be shocked if he wentto my funeral because he does
not like.
Chrisy (07:11):
He doesn't like.
Kerry (07:12):
I'm just saying if I should pass before him, I would
not be offended or upset if hedidn't go to my funeral, because
he does not like funerals, andI get that.
Everyone is different.
But then you have the otherside of the coin where you have
the people that come up and theywant to touch the body.
They want to, like stroke theirhair or touch their hands, and
it's just like.
It's like two complete worlds.
This one gentleman he was thereto obviously pay his respects,
(07:35):
but he was there also doing somethings in the church.
So every time he would pass thebody because he had to pass by
him a lot for what he was doing.
He would just reach out and pathim, like just pat him, pat him
on the shoulder, pat him on thehand.
It's like you're going pastsomebody in a ballgame and you
see somebody you know and youpat them on the shoulder hey,
buddy, how you doing, you knowand you go on by.
(07:55):
That's what he kept doing.
After like the sixth time, I'mlike that's really interesting.
Chrisy (08:02):
Thoughts.
This is a topic that you aredefinitely going to be
reinforced, knowing what ahorrible person I probably am.
I'm just honest your seat inhell is definitely confirmed.
Kerry (08:13):
Is what you're saying.
Chrisy (08:14):
They already called me and told me it's been held for a
long time.
In doing that, in touching thebody, which I've never.
Until my father passed away, Igave him a little.
Before we left the funeral homeI did give him a small little
kiss on the head, Okay, which issomething you never forget.
Yeah, but in people doing this,were they touching the body,
(08:36):
hands and caressing the body andnot?
I'm not trying to implyanything inappropriate, Right?
Kerry (08:42):
Just you know it's empathy.
It's sadness.
Different people expressthemselves right and some people
are touchers and some peopleare not.
Whether and that could be,whether you're a hugger in real
life or you're not, it's thesame thing, right, right I get
that, but when doing it a lotyeah more than one yes, are you
in my opinion, are you?
Chrisy (09:02):
Are you checking to see if they're really dead?
Like, maybe if you nudge themhard enough, they might?
Did everybody?
Is everybody sure?
I mean, did the funeral peopledo such a fantastic job that you
just can't believe it?
This guy is man, he's beautiful, rosy cheeks and I swear I saw
(09:22):
him breathing.
And somebody needs to come uphere and nudge him.
Nudge him, he's going to get up.
Kerry (09:27):
I did not think you were gonna go there with that.
When you said you didn't, Iknow I was like sometimes I'm
pretty good at realizing whereyou're gonna go with things, but
you caught me off guard in thatone.
Chrisy (09:38):
But that's true, it's a good, well, I just you know, and
they probably to give thatperson credit.
They're probably not evenrealizing they had already did
it.
Kerry (09:47):
No, I don't think that.
Chrisy (09:48):
I don't think they're doing it at all, Right?
No?
Kerry (09:50):
right Because, honestly, the person that was doing this
is somebody who goes to thischurch a lot and he is one of
those people that, like, ifyou're in the pew and you've
already went to communion andthey're behind you, they're the
one that would come and pat youon the shoulder as they walk by,
just to kind of like you knowthat a little hello pat you know
.
Like they're in the communionline, passing you.
It's a sort of way of sayinghello without being you know I.
(10:11):
That's exactly kind of what hewas doing.
Chrisy (10:13):
Well, I would have an issue knowing this gentleman or
whoever woman, whoever goes tothese funerals, constantly
smacking bob on the hands in thebox, and then they want to come
past me and smack me.
Dude, I know where your handsare.
Stop hitting me.
I'm sitting upright already.
I'm good.
No laying of hands on me.
Kerry (10:37):
You know that is funny.
I've got to catch my breath.
Chrisy (10:44):
Well, I just never thought of this.
Kerry (10:45):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You're bringing all this stuffto my attention.
This is why we don't pre-talkabout things we're going to talk
about on the show, because wewant the actual reaction.
So here we go.
So you know, you mentionedsomething about, like when your
dad passed away, that you saidat the funeral home you gave him
the peck on the head yes okay.
So when my dad passed away,there are five of us girls and
(11:09):
my four sisters were with him atthe moment that he passed.
I had just left after beingthere for like 48 hours in his
final hours.
I had just left.
Maybe it couldn't have been anhour after I left when he passed
.
So as soon as I got the call Iwent back and it was only 10
minutes down the road where hewas at.
I had my moment with him inthere while he was still in the
(11:33):
nursing home when I had mymoment and I do remember
grabbing his hand and holdinghis hand and I gave him a chick
kiss on the cheek, but then itwas closed casket from there on
out, so we never saw him.
There was no more opportunity.
There was no opportunity forpeople to do this drive-by
tapping or anything, or so ithad been a while since I had you
coin in the phrase and drive-bytapping, I think I just
(11:55):
witnessed a drive-by tap thatwould be on our next t-shirt, so
I didn't.
I guess that's why it caught meoff guard, because it had been a
while since I had been to afuneral where there was an open
casket for calling hours oranything, because everyone that
I had been to pretty recently,including my dad's, was all
(12:15):
closed, like there was noviewing.
You know, people may have comeand they may have prayed at the
casket, but it wasn't open, soso I think that's why it caught
me off guard how much peoplewere touching.
Chrisy (12:25):
Doing this, yeah yeah.
That's why it caught me offguard how much people were
touching, doing this, yeah yeah.
And you don't recall seeingthis years ago, or is it just
now that you've just realized it?
Maybe you did see it, you justdidn't think of it.
Kerry (12:34):
I think that, yeah, because the other funerals I
would have been much younger,you know, and I think I do
remember occasionally seeing theperson you know where they go
up once you know and they might,you might see the occasional
person reach into the casket,but it wasn't common, but this
just caught me off guard becauseit was like so many and then
for this one person sorepetitively.
(12:54):
But it was, it was interesting.
The other thing I want to gowith this is so the next day at
the actual funeral okay, youknow my mom is very close to
this community where this priestpassed away.
I mean, you know she workedwith them for over 50 years and
I grew up because my mom wasworking there, so I knew all of
these people so very close.
(13:14):
I mean it's more like familythan it is just you know, the
priest.
You see on Sunday kind of arelationship.
When we were going my mom waslike well, we have to go early
because I need to sit up front,because she wanted to sit with
the other brothers and priestfrom the community.
She wanted to sit with them.
So we get there and of coursethere goes my mom.
You know there's the threeother brothers and the priest
(13:35):
and that they were the priestthat was still alive.
So my mom sat very first row,right up with them, there on the
left side, and then on theright side is the family and
everything and then again thecasket's in the center.
So I'm like mommy, you sure,you sure you want to sit in the
front row?
Oh no, I want to sit up there.
I want to sit up there.
Okay, I said, well, I'm notgoing to sit in the front row,
I'm going to sit behind you.
(13:57):
I sat in the row behind becausewhat was happening was, as
everyone's coming up to givetheir condolences, they're
making the rounds, they're goingto the family you know
expressing, then they get to theside we were on, to all the
brothers and priests that livewith this priest and there's my
mom right in with them.
So everyone's like goingthrough the line and they're
expressing condolences to my mom.
(14:17):
Because, you know, half thepeople there probably didn't
know who the heck she was, butfigured she must have been
important because she's right upthere in the front row.
You know my, my, my mom, howsweet she was.
But because it was like I said,I'm not downplaying the
relationship at all, but it alsohas to do with her kind of
mental state at this time.
But again, that social cue ofmaybe you shouldn't have been
sitting in the front row becausethat wasn't your place, you
(14:40):
weren't second or third rowmaybe, but not first row, it was
kind of interesting.
Yeah, funerals.
So what's your take on thewhere you sit at at the?
Chrisy (14:48):
funeral.
Well, there's definitely, Ithink, a need for family First
off with a funeral.
This is really more than awedding, which is supposed to be
a happy event.
You know, maybe not my weddingfor a lot of people, but we'll
get to that another time butmost of the time weddings are
happy event.
(15:08):
The funerals are very sad.
Yeah, it's the end of something, it's somebody who you loved,
right, who was important in yourlife, and it's.
There's really not a whole lotto joke about.
So when I make fun of somethings here are light, right,
it's not of the loss, right?
Oh, that's absolutely right.
It's of how we are soridiculous about how we act
(15:32):
sometimes at these things, andit's probably.
I'll go one further and say Ican't even fully blame some of
these people for acting the waythey do, because emotion will
make you do things.
And uh, they said irrational.
I read something somewhere.
Oh, christy, read something.
Bad idea.
Irrational thought in the brainis faster than rational thought
(15:56):
.
Kerry (15:57):
Oh, that's a really good thought.
Chrisy (15:58):
And so is you you'll act on irrational thought faster
than you will rational thought.
Kerry (16:03):
And I think you could use the word dysfunctional as
irrational.
Chrisy (16:07):
Oh yeah, and in general a funeral is dysfunctional.
It's the whole thing it's.
You know, it's one thing toremember somebody and have like
a memoriam where you want toremember the life of somebody.
Kerry (16:18):
Right, you want to celebrate the life.
Chrisy (16:20):
But, to be honest, let's really understand what this
whole process is.
You are basically followingsome process, some tradition
that was born out of a very, Iwould say, almost.
It came into its own maybeduring the Victorian era, and if
you ever read anything aboutthe Victorian time period, those
people were a little nutty.
(16:41):
I'm not sure where you're goingwith this, as far as the idea
of a funeral, the idea ofdisplaying a deceased person, oh
, okay, for everybody foreverybody to come yes and see
one more time yeah, it's, it's a, it's a very old-fashioned
thought.
Yes, and we're still doing it.
Yeah, and you know thevictorians.
They were the ones that werecutting off hair and skin and
(17:02):
wearing them in lockets aroundtheir neck.
They did their skin.
Kerry (17:04):
I knew they did the hair.
Yeah, I mean well, I don.
Chrisy (17:06):
Well, I don't know, don't quote me on that one, the
hair for sure.
The hair, for sure, yes, andyou know the women wearing black
for a very long year orwhatever, and the traditions,
the social expectations.
So to me it seems very almost Idon't know what to say barbaric
.
Kerry (17:23):
Not barbaric but arch?
Is it almost disrespectful togo to a funeral because you
haven't been in or around orinvolved in that person's life?
Chrisy (17:40):
I don't, I have something to comment on that and
it's kind of funny.
And I don't mean any disrespectto the people who maybe
consider themselves part of thisgroup, but I have referred to
them in the past as funeralgroupies.
Kerry (17:52):
Oh yeah.
Chrisy (17:53):
There are some people who, even if they didn't really
know the person who passed away,yeah, they knew somebody who.
Somebody knew that somebodyknew that somebody knew or they
met once and they met one Right.
They got to come in a littlegroup and they're go it.
I mean that we could, hell, wecould have like six episodes
about that.
Kerry (18:19):
I'll try to do the Reader's Digest version of it.
Basically, what really got meabout my father's death is how
people showed up and I was.
You want to talk about beingannoyed or agitated?
I was annoyed and agitatedabout certain people that showed
up in his final hours and andone.
It was like where have you beenthe last however many years?
(18:41):
Oh so why do you feel youshould be in the room right now?
I don't care what your bloodrelation or no blood relation is
, just because you're bloodrelated.
You haven't been here, so whyshould you be here now?
And then what really got me wasthey're having like social hour
.
Well, that's what it is.
It's a social event they're,and they're just all sharing
(19:03):
stories and they're talking awayand they're laughing and it's
like, excuse me, I'm here withmy dad having these final
moments.
He is dying, I'm having to havethese final moments, but, excuse
me, I have to block out yournoise because you're over there
having chitty, chatty happy hourand catching up over the last
20 years.
Chrisy (19:22):
I think that a lot of those people do kind of look at
it as an opportunity to see soand so.
Oh yeah, I remember, I rememberso and so I used to hang out
with when we used to hang outwith the person who passed away,
they might be there.
I want to go there because Imight get a chance to see them.
Kerry (19:35):
And then they want to come console you and I'm just
like, get away from me, I don't,I don't and it's and I say that
honestly with as much respectas I can, because I appreciate
in their mind they think they'redoing the right thing, but to
me it was very disrespectful,very disrespectful.
And I was going through my owngrief and process in my family
(19:56):
was going through Again, therewas a lot of, there was so much
backstory, but what really gotme was, a week after my dad's
funeral, said person contacts meand says you didn't talk to me.
What's up with you?
What have I done to you thatyou wouldn't talk to me?
And you wouldn't talk to me atthe funeral.
And you were and I'm like,excuse me this, it wasn't your
dad that died.
This is, this is not about you.
(20:17):
And if you knew really like, ifyou were really that involved
with our family, you would haveknown why I was the way I was.
Going back to the originalquestion when is it right?
So the other funeral thathappened in my family at the
same time as this priest, it wasa distant cousin, a cousin who
I have not seen in probably 48years of my 52 years of life.
Knew of them, knew that theywere a cousin, a cousin who I
have not seen in probably 48years of my 52 years of life.
(20:38):
Knew of them, knew that theywere a cousin, maybe was a
little closer with one of theirsiblings, but again, and so
there was part of me that waslike, oh, I should go to the
funeral.
And then I stopped myself aftergoing to this other one and
thinking about my dad's funeral,everything like I think that
would be more disrespectful forme to show up.
Chrisy (20:54):
Well, you're thinking about it correctly the most
important thing with anybody isspending time with them, knowing
them, sharing with them duringlife.
Yes, yes, when my father passedaway, I do remember a lot of
people coming to the callinghours that I hadn't seen since I
was very little.
Kerry (21:14):
Yeah, Coming out of the woodwork.
Chrisy (21:16):
I was like, oh my, I didn't even know half of them
were still alive.
I was like holy moly, look atwho's shot.
Gee, you still living.
Good for you.
I guess you know my dad's not,but you are Okay.
Well, great.
Kerry (21:28):
Right.
Chrisy (21:29):
You know, yeah, funerals .
I think that you have seen abit of a shift in how they're
done.
I mean because I'm sure youremember this for a very long
time it was at least a two-dayevent.
Oh yeah, as far as what wasexpected of you, yes, you'd have
a one day of calling hours andyou'd have two calling hours.
Kerry (21:52):
You'd have one during the day and then you'd have evening
calling hours and thensometimes even calling hours the
hour before the actual funeral.
Yes, Depending on where it wasat, if it was at the church or
whatever you know.
Chrisy (22:04):
Yes and so and again.
Those calling hours arecertainly not to accommodate the
person who passed away.
They're obviously available.
Kerry (22:12):
Right, and they're not for the family, because that's
so horribly hard for the family.
It's very not for the familybecause that's so horribly hard
for the family.
It's very hard, yes.
Chrisy (22:19):
Yes, I would imagine.
Yes, but you're trying toaccommodate to make sure
everybody gets.
It's almost like well, if we'rehaving a show in the morning,
we're having a show in theevening.
Yeah, when's the matinee?
Yeah, you know, in case youmissed us, we're here, we're
back again, yeah, yeah.
So it's too much, and I do seea lot of people now having like
maybe an hour prior to churchservice.
Yes, and then the churchservice yes.
Kerry (22:41):
Then you got the luncheon after.
Chrisy (22:43):
Oh, let's talk about the title of those things.
I wrote it down in circlebecause we had talked about this
.
Kerry (22:49):
We did, we did.
What do you call it?
Chrisy (22:51):
I don't call it anything , I call it.
You know, is this cuisine goingto be worth it?
Because, yes, I'm horrible.
I mean, again, just understand,I'm probably not going to a
funeral.
Yeah, unless I absolutely haveto, I am, and a lot of the old
school people are going to tellhim just horribly disrespectful.
You should be there, but Idon't agree with that and I'll
(23:14):
just leave it at that.
Right, I've been coined by, Iguess, my husband's family,
uh-huh, and it sounds awful, andmaybe other people out there.
Let us know in comments, please.
They call it a mercy meal.
Mercy meal.
That's terrifying Mercy meal.
Kerry (23:29):
First of all, it doesn't sound like the food's going to
be any good.
So, right now you've lost meMercy meal.
It sounds like it should be themeal beforehand.
Chrisy (23:37):
Well, yeah, the last meal beforehand and I don't.
I'm not again.
I know that, if they're, Idon't think they listen to my
podcast, because I don't know.
But if they do, they're goingto be like.
You know why are you picking atus?
Kerry (23:49):
I'm not.
Chrisy (23:49):
I just never heard of it that way, and maybe they're
just like well, no, there's alot of people, but you hadn't
even not heard.
Kerry (23:55):
I had not heard of mercy meal.
I've always heard it as abereavement meal, or bereavement
luncheon or bereavement dinner,depending on what time of day
or whatever.
Or you know a family, you knowluncheon, but usually
bereavement is usually the wordthat I've heard.
Chrisy (24:08):
And so the mercy meal thing okay To me.
And some people will say whenthey pass away.
When they pass away, whenthey're prepping, preparing for
their funeral.
Kerry (24:19):
Planning their funeral Advanced planning.
Chrisy (24:21):
Right, some people will be like you know.
I just want everybody to have agreat time.
Kerry (24:25):
Yeah.
Chrisy (24:26):
Have a drink on me, right?
How is it that you feel thatway?
I mean, death is so final, itis, and it's an inevitable thing
.
Kerry (24:37):
We all have to deal with it.
Yeah, we're not getting awayfrom it.
Chrisy (24:39):
No, Yep, having a party?
I mean, have a party now.
Yeah, I don't want to tell youto go party after, right, maybe
I wanted to come, maybe I didn't.
Yeah, chance or me, maybe shedon't want to party anyhow.
Anyways, everybody party on, Iguess.
Kerry (24:54):
But I want it to be people that really knew love and
respected me.
I want my inner people, but Ithink I'll be pissed off if I'm
lying there.
Well, I'm going to be cremated,so I ain't going to be lying
there.
Chrisy (25:07):
So I'll be dust in the room, but I hope they don't use
you for the ashes when theycan't find the ashes for.
Kerry (25:11):
Ash Wednesday.
But I guess the way I see it is, if I was that important to you
in your life, then yes, please,but don't come to my funeral to
make amends for yourself.
So if you were a shithole to meand you were a jerk to me, or
if you had all these illfeelings toward me, don't come
to my funeral to make up, to tryto make yourself feel better.
(25:32):
You know what I mean.
And if I made an impact on yourlife, then I would love it.
But you know, I, just the wholepeople that come I love whenever
I see a funeral and it is trulysuch a celebration of life and,
again, being I work at a church, I've seen a lot of wonderful,
amazing funerals where people,just everybody that walked in
(25:54):
the door had such a good storyabout the person that passed
away and like, and I love seeingthat and to me, that that is,
that truly is a celebration oflife, not a funeral, you know,
and I like that.
But when I see these ones whereit's just, oh, I, I heard they
passed away and when did youtalk to him last?
Oh, it's probably been 50 years.
(26:14):
Why are you here?
Yeah, why are you here?
Yeah, and that's, it's a it'sprobably been 50 years.
Chrisy (26:17):
Why are you here?
Yeah, why are you here?
Yeah, it's a whole thing.
Kerry (26:18):
And everyone's different, and if you're that person that
needs to go, then again that'syou, you do you, but it's just.
I found in my own personalexperience, especially being on
the grieving end, I was reallybothered by the people that were
there and made it about themRight.
Bothered by the people thatwere there and made it about
(26:40):
them right, especially the afterattacks of you know why
wouldn't you talk to me at thefuneral?
Chrisy (26:42):
uh, excuse me well, why wouldn't you even just take into
consideration possibly thisperson is grieving?
Yes and everybody does.
Kerry (26:49):
Grief is very grief is very personal, yes, and you need
to allow a person to have theirrights to that exactly exactly,
and there was so much going onmy life, their rights to that
Exactly exactly, and there wasso much going on in my life at
the time that my dad died.
There was just so much.
Funerals again brought that upbecause really in the past two
weeks or so, six funerals that Iwas either somewhat involved
(27:10):
with because of the church Iwork in or people that I know,
or relatives I know, or peoplethat are close to me that I know
that are passing away or inhospice or whatever.
So I just thought that would bean interesting topic for today.
Chrisy (27:21):
I just, yeah, make a note because, if anybody missed
it, because you're so sweet andnice.
Kerry (27:26):
Oh God, what did I do?
Chrisy (27:27):
Yes, Carrie did say the word shithole.
I did that in my password voice.
The word is shithole.
Thank you.
Kerry (27:42):
Chrissy, when we have our next naughty or nice episode.
She's like I remember, when youwere naughty you said shithole
yeah.
Chrisy (27:52):
We have a lot in regards to this subject.
Yes, and we know that most ofyou are listening in your car
while you're getting somewhere,and not everybody's driving
really far.
I think this is an excellenttopic.
Yes, because we still haveplenty to talk about.
I know we might have to do anepisode two On another day and
we can maybe combine it withsomething closely related to
this, but just to give you aheads up on what that would
(28:13):
entail, we'll talk more aboutmercy meals or bereavement meals
.
Yes, the hierarchy in seatingarrangements for family members.
Yes, sparring and fighting atfunerals, ooh, always a good
pastime.
And the cars, that car thing,oh yeah, the car, thing, crazy
man the whole idea of flags andcars and lights.
(28:35):
How do you handle that?
Kerry (28:36):
Oh yeah, this is definitely a two-parter.
It's a two-parter.
Chrisy (28:39):
Okay.
Kerry (28:39):
Well, stay tuned, yes.
Chrisy (28:41):
And maybe Carrie will come up A new word.
Kerry (28:47):
Join us again for the Carrie password.
All right, everybody.
Well, hey, thanks for hangingwith us today on this very
intriguing subject Stay on theroad.
Chrisy (28:58):
Don't drive off the road and hit anything on press,
because this subject was just soheavy.
You're like, oh my God, wepromise it gets better it gets
better.
Kerry (29:04):
So, all right, everybody.
But hey, before we leave,please make sure to check out
our Facebook page.
You can drop your comments oranything there.
Wherever you are streaming usfrom, please hit the subscribe
or follow button.
That definitely helps us withour ratings, and what really
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(29:26):
really loving us and you reallywant to help support us, you can
always become a subscriber.
As far as donating to us, so wehave that click on button where
you can either donate for onetime or you can donate every
show if you'd like to.
But you do all of that from ourwebsite,
dysfunctionjunkiesbuzzsproutcom.
Alrighty, everybody, stay tunedand we'll get back to you with
(29:47):
more on funerals in anotherepisode.
Bye-bye, bye.
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:20):
Welcome Dysfunction Junkies.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:24):
and I'm Chrissy.
Kerry (00:25):
We got a good one today.
I don't know how you look atthe topic today and say it's a
good one.
Oh, it's a good one that one'sgoing to be on you, Kerry
Today we're going to talk about what brings out the best
and the worst of people andfamilies.
There's two things funerals andweddings, and today we're going
(00:46):
to talk about funerals Exciting.
Like we said in the beginning,this is our safe space.
This is where we talk aboutthings.
It's totally fine to expressyour feelings good, bad or
indifferent and also how we dealwith a lot of dysfunction,
trauma, anxiety, whatever youwant to call it is through humor
.
Chrisy (01:06):
I think that maybe these subjects come up because we
think how can I showcase howabsolutely disgraceful and
horrible Chrisy is?
Well, there's that too, yes, sothank you, yeah, because yeah
yeah.
Kerry (01:20):
Funerals Love them.
Chrisy (01:22):
Not, not, no, no.
Kerry (01:24):
Well, did you have a lot of funerals?
Did you go to a lot of funeralsas a child growing up?
First of all, let's start there.
Chrisy (01:30):
Yes, a lot More than probably most kids my age.
I think the first one I went toI was like six.
Oh, okay, my grandmother passedaway.
I was six or seven, yeah.
Kerry (01:41):
So your family toted you to a lot of funerals.
Chrisy (01:44):
Well, yeah, because how was I going to get a candy bar?
Because we had to go to thefuneral.
And then, if you listen to aprior episode, I told you the
superstition is that you can'tgo straight home.
Kerry (01:54):
Oh, and you would get the candy bar at the gas station
because you had to get out ofthe car.
Chrisy (01:59):
I'm forced to get out of the car at the gas station.
A hush puppy.
Kerry (02:09):
What do they used to call those slushy drinks?
Chrisy (02:10):
oh yeah, hush slushy or whatever the hell it was.
Oh yeah, I know what you'retalking about with a dog
7-eleven, I think it was.
Yeah, yeah, slush puppy, slushpuppy.
Yeah, part of my everydayhealthy diet the slush puppy and
a snicker bar.
Thank you there go.
Kerry (02:23):
I remember going to several funerals as a child, but
then there was like a big gapand it wasn't until in high
school that we had anotherlittle rash of funerals and then
there's been another big gap.
But now, getting the age we'regetting to, people are dying off
, so there's funerals.
Also that I work at a church,so there's funerals.
(02:46):
Also.
That I work at a church, sothere's funerals.
So lately I've had a lot offunerals and that's what brought
up this topic to my mind,because I think one of the best
places to people watch is at afuneral and a wedding.
But today we're talking aboutfunerals.
One of the things I findinteresting is well, first of
all, I got to tell you aboutthis funeral that we just went
to One of the priests at thecongregation that my mom and I
would go to.
(03:06):
A lot passed away and it was avery close friend of ours,
especially for my mom and thecommunity and everything.
We were going to calling hoursthe day before it was held at
the chapel where the priest wasfrom.
So we go into the chapel andthere he is laid out in the open
casket in the middle of thechapel, and we were there early.
We were like one of the firstones there and so the family was
(03:29):
up at the front of the churchand then, you know, the priest
was in the casket in the middleand then the other priest was
kind of standing nearby and thispriest is a particularly very
close friend of my mom's.
My mom like has a little crushon him, like she really really
likes this guy, has a littlecrush on him, like she really
really likes this guy, like in ain a catholic way.
I'm not saying like anythingelse but she just really adores
him.
Chrisy (03:49):
She has a lot of admiration she does yes so she,
what did you say?
Like the thorn birds, like thethorn birds, no, no, no no, no,
so bad, but in any case.
Kerry (04:00):
So my mom, you know, given her state you know it's
dementia and everything thefilter is no longer there and
kind of reading the room is nolonger there.
So we walk into the chapel andmy mom sees her favorite priest
that's still alive standing overand she says in a very loud
voice y'all need to quit dying.
(04:20):
It's too hard for me to get hereoh my gosh, I see nothing wrong
with that I wanted to just curlup in a little ball because in
me and the priest that's stillalive, we're like, oh you know,
(04:41):
and we were laughing because itwas so sweet and we knew what
she meant by it and everything,because it did take a lot to get
her there.
You know, she lives an hour anda half away, so she had to come
spend the night at my house sothat we could get her up in time
in the morning.
I mean, it was a process.
So we get her comment.
But again, the poor family,like the six family members that
were there having thisbeautiful rever family members
(05:03):
that were there having thisbeautiful reverent moment, you
know, their brother, their uncle, who was the priest, is lying
there in state in the room andthey're just all in total
respect.
And then my mom shouts this outand they all just kind of turn
around and look at us and I wasso, so embarrassed.
But well.
Chrisy (05:21):
that's why it's probably better to go to these, I guess
almost as a spectator.
Yes, Because that would be funto be sitting there.
That's what I'm saying.
Take a seat in the back andjust enjoy.
Right, horrible to say thatwhen someone has, you know,
passed away, no reflection onthem.
Kerry (05:37):
It's more about the crazy people who are around, you know
, mulling around in this roomtrying to do whatever, but
that's what got me to the peoplewatching because, you know, I
mean, I was there to pay myrespects to and it was.
It was a very sad loss and I'mso sad to see this priest pass
away, because he was reallyamazing person, but because I
(05:59):
was there with my mom and it wasreally more to make sure my mom
was there, I was there longerthan I maybe would have.
Like, normally, you go in, youpay your respects, you go, you
know, pray over the body andthen you leave, but I had to
stay.
So therefore I started peoplewatching.
Of course, a lot of this ispeople watching my mom, because
keeping tabs on mom, she neededto be kept tabs on.
(06:22):
So then, as we're sitting there,finally, after you know, my mom
was making many comments.
I mean that was just thehighlight reel there, but there
were many other things that shesaid that were also completely
inappropriate.
But again, everyone was sounderstanding of her and her
state and they just are so sweetto her.
But I finally was like OK, mom,you need to sit over here and
pray, say your prayers, you know.
(06:43):
So I got her calmed down, so Istarted watching people come in
and it's really interesting tosee how people act around a dead
body.
You get the people who ain'tgoing up at all.
They aren't going to go up.
They will purposely take thewidest, farthest route around
the room to get to the family.
Or maybe they don't even go upto the family because they don't
want to go near or see the body.
Completely understand andrespect that.
(07:04):
My husband is one of thosepeople does not like to go to
funerals.
I would be shocked if he wentto my funeral because he does
not like.
Chrisy (07:11):
He doesn't like.
Kerry (07:12):
I'm just saying if I should pass before him, I would
not be offended or upset if hedidn't go to my funeral, because
he does not like funerals, andI get that.
Everyone is different.
But then you have the otherside of the coin where you have
the people that come up and theywant to touch the body.
They want to, like stroke theirhair or touch their hands, and
it's just like.
It's like two complete worlds.
This one gentleman he was thereto obviously pay his respects,
(07:35):
but he was there also doing somethings in the church.
So every time he would pass thebody because he had to pass by
him a lot for what he was doing.
He would just reach out and pathim, like just pat him, pat him
on the shoulder, pat him on thehand.
It's like you're going pastsomebody in a ballgame and you
see somebody you know and youpat them on the shoulder hey,
buddy, how you doing, you knowand you go on by.
(07:55):
That's what he kept doing.
After like the sixth time, I'mlike that's really interesting.
Chrisy (08:02):
Thoughts.
This is a topic that you aredefinitely going to be
reinforced, knowing what ahorrible person I probably am.
I'm just honest your seat inhell is definitely confirmed.
Kerry (08:13):
Is what you're saying.
Chrisy (08:14):
They already called me and told me it's been held for a
long time.
In doing that, in touching thebody, which I've never.
Until my father passed away, Igave him a little.
Before we left the funeral homeI did give him a small little
kiss on the head, Okay, which issomething you never forget.
Yeah, but in people doing this,were they touching the body,
(08:36):
hands and caressing the body andnot?
I'm not trying to implyanything inappropriate, Right?
Kerry (08:42):
Just you know it's empathy.
It's sadness.
Different people expressthemselves right and some people
are touchers and some peopleare not.
Whether and that could be,whether you're a hugger in real
life or you're not, it's thesame thing, right, right I get
that, but when doing it a lotyeah more than one yes, are you
in my opinion, are you?
Chrisy (09:02):
Are you checking to see if they're really dead?
Like, maybe if you nudge themhard enough, they might?
Did everybody?
Is everybody sure?
I mean, did the funeral peopledo such a fantastic job that you
just can't believe it?
This guy is man, he's beautiful, rosy cheeks and I swear I saw
(09:22):
him breathing.
And somebody needs to come uphere and nudge him.
Nudge him, he's going to get up.
Kerry (09:27):
I did not think you were gonna go there with that.
When you said you didn't, Iknow I was like sometimes I'm
pretty good at realizing whereyou're gonna go with things, but
you caught me off guard in thatone.
Chrisy (09:38):
But that's true, it's a good, well, I just you know, and
they probably to give thatperson credit.
They're probably not evenrealizing they had already did
it.
Kerry (09:47):
No, I don't think that.
Chrisy (09:48):
I don't think they're doing it at all, Right?
No?
Kerry (09:50):
right Because, honestly, the person that was doing this
is somebody who goes to thischurch a lot and he is one of
those people that, like, ifyou're in the pew and you've
already went to communion andthey're behind you, they're the
one that would come and pat youon the shoulder as they walk by,
just to kind of like you knowthat a little hello pat you know
.
Like they're in the communionline, passing you.
It's a sort of way of sayinghello without being you know I.
(10:11):
That's exactly kind of what hewas doing.
Chrisy (10:13):
Well, I would have an issue knowing this gentleman or
whoever woman, whoever goes tothese funerals, constantly
smacking bob on the hands in thebox, and then they want to come
past me and smack me.
Dude, I know where your handsare.
Stop hitting me.
I'm sitting upright already.
I'm good.
No laying of hands on me.
Kerry (10:37):
You know that is funny.
I've got to catch my breath.
Chrisy (10:44):
Well, I just never thought of this.
Kerry (10:45):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You're bringing all this stuffto my attention.
This is why we don't pre-talkabout things we're going to talk
about on the show, because wewant the actual reaction.
So here we go.
So you know, you mentionedsomething about, like when your
dad passed away, that you saidat the funeral home you gave him
the peck on the head yes okay.
So when my dad passed away,there are five of us girls and
(11:09):
my four sisters were with him atthe moment that he passed.
I had just left after beingthere for like 48 hours in his
final hours.
I had just left.
Maybe it couldn't have been anhour after I left when he passed
.
So as soon as I got the call Iwent back and it was only 10
minutes down the road where hewas at.
I had my moment with him inthere while he was still in the
(11:33):
nursing home when I had mymoment and I do remember
grabbing his hand and holdinghis hand and I gave him a chick
kiss on the cheek, but then itwas closed casket from there on
out, so we never saw him.
There was no more opportunity.
There was no opportunity forpeople to do this drive-by
tapping or anything, or so ithad been a while since I had you
coin in the phrase and drive-bytapping, I think I just
(11:55):
witnessed a drive-by tap thatwould be on our next t-shirt, so
I didn't.
I guess that's why it caught meoff guard, because it had been a
while since I had been to afuneral where there was an open
casket for calling hours oranything, because everyone that
I had been to pretty recently,including my dad's, was all
(12:15):
closed, like there was noviewing.
You know, people may have comeand they may have prayed at the
casket, but it wasn't open, soso I think that's why it caught
me off guard how much peoplewere touching.
Chrisy (12:25):
Doing this, yeah yeah.
That's why it caught me offguard how much people were
touching, doing this, yeah yeah.
And you don't recall seeingthis years ago, or is it just
now that you've just realized it?
Maybe you did see it, you justdidn't think of it.
Kerry (12:34):
I think that, yeah, because the other funerals I
would have been much younger,you know, and I think I do
remember occasionally seeing theperson you know where they go
up once you know and they might,you might see the occasional
person reach into the casket,but it wasn't common, but this
just caught me off guard becauseit was like so many and then
for this one person sorepetitively.
(12:54):
But it was, it was interesting.
The other thing I want to gowith this is so the next day at
the actual funeral okay, youknow my mom is very close to
this community where this priestpassed away.
I mean, you know she workedwith them for over 50 years and
I grew up because my mom wasworking there, so I knew all of
these people so very close.
(13:14):
I mean it's more like familythan it is just you know, the
priest.
You see on Sunday kind of arelationship.
When we were going my mom waslike well, we have to go early
because I need to sit up front,because she wanted to sit with
the other brothers and priestfrom the community.
She wanted to sit with them.
So we get there and of coursethere goes my mom.
You know there's the threeother brothers and the priest
(13:35):
and that they were the priestthat was still alive.
So my mom sat very first row,right up with them, there on the
left side, and then on theright side is the family and
everything and then again thecasket's in the center.
So I'm like mommy, you sure,you sure you want to sit in the
front row?
Oh no, I want to sit up there.
I want to sit up there.
Okay, I said, well, I'm notgoing to sit in the front row,
I'm going to sit behind you.
(13:57):
I sat in the row behind becausewhat was happening was, as
everyone's coming up to givetheir condolences, they're
making the rounds, they're goingto the family you know
expressing, then they get to theside we were on, to all the
brothers and priests that livewith this priest and there's my
mom right in with them.
So everyone's like goingthrough the line and they're
expressing condolences to my mom.
(14:17):
Because, you know, half thepeople there probably didn't
know who the heck she was, butfigured she must have been
important because she's right upthere in the front row.
You know my, my, my mom, howsweet she was.
But because it was like I said,I'm not downplaying the
relationship at all, but it alsohas to do with her kind of
mental state at this time.
But again, that social cue ofmaybe you shouldn't have been
sitting in the front row becausethat wasn't your place, you
(14:40):
weren't second or third rowmaybe, but not first row, it was
kind of interesting.
Yeah, funerals.
So what's your take on thewhere you sit at at the?
Chrisy (14:48):
funeral.
Well, there's definitely, Ithink, a need for family First
off with a funeral.
This is really more than awedding, which is supposed to be
a happy event.
You know, maybe not my weddingfor a lot of people, but we'll
get to that another time butmost of the time weddings are
happy event.
(15:08):
The funerals are very sad.
Yeah, it's the end of something, it's somebody who you loved,
right, who was important in yourlife, and it's.
There's really not a whole lotto joke about.
So when I make fun of somethings here are light, right,
it's not of the loss, right?
Oh, that's absolutely right.
It's of how we are soridiculous about how we act
(15:32):
sometimes at these things, andit's probably.
I'll go one further and say Ican't even fully blame some of
these people for acting the waythey do, because emotion will
make you do things.
And uh, they said irrational.
I read something somewhere.
Oh, christy, read something.
Bad idea.
Irrational thought in the brainis faster than rational thought
(15:56):
.
Kerry (15:57):
Oh, that's a really good thought.
Chrisy (15:58):
And so is you you'll act on irrational thought faster
than you will rational thought.
Kerry (16:03):
And I think you could use the word dysfunctional as
irrational.
Chrisy (16:07):
Oh yeah, and in general a funeral is dysfunctional.
It's the whole thing it's.
You know, it's one thing toremember somebody and have like
a memoriam where you want toremember the life of somebody.
Kerry (16:18):
Right, you want to celebrate the life.
Chrisy (16:20):
But, to be honest, let's really understand what this
whole process is.
You are basically followingsome process, some tradition
that was born out of a very, Iwould say, almost.
It came into its own maybeduring the Victorian era, and if
you ever read anything aboutthe Victorian time period, those
people were a little nutty.
(16:41):
I'm not sure where you're goingwith this, as far as the idea
of a funeral, the idea ofdisplaying a deceased person, oh
, okay, for everybody foreverybody to come yes and see
one more time yeah, it's, it's a, it's a very old-fashioned
thought.
Yes, and we're still doing it.
Yeah, and you know thevictorians.
They were the ones that werecutting off hair and skin and
(17:02):
wearing them in lockets aroundtheir neck.
They did their skin.
Kerry (17:04):
I knew they did the hair.
Yeah, I mean well, I don.
Chrisy (17:06):
Well, I don't know, don't quote me on that one, the
hair for sure.
The hair, for sure, yes, andyou know the women wearing black
for a very long year orwhatever, and the traditions,
the social expectations.
So to me it seems very almost Idon't know what to say barbaric
.
Kerry (17:23):
Not barbaric but arch?
Is it almost disrespectful togo to a funeral because you
haven't been in or around orinvolved in that person's life?
Chrisy (17:40):
I don't, I have something to comment on that and
it's kind of funny.
And I don't mean any disrespectto the people who maybe
consider themselves part of thisgroup, but I have referred to
them in the past as funeralgroupies.
Kerry (17:52):
Oh yeah.
Chrisy (17:53):
There are some people who, even if they didn't really
know the person who passed away,yeah, they knew somebody who.
Somebody knew that somebodyknew that somebody knew or they
met once and they met one Right.
They got to come in a littlegroup and they're go it.
I mean that we could, hell, wecould have like six episodes
about that.
Kerry (18:19):
I'll try to do the Reader's Digest version of it.
Basically, what really got meabout my father's death is how
people showed up and I was.
You want to talk about beingannoyed or agitated?
I was annoyed and agitatedabout certain people that showed
up in his final hours and andone.
It was like where have you beenthe last however many years?
(18:41):
Oh so why do you feel youshould be in the room right now?
I don't care what your bloodrelation or no blood relation is
, just because you're bloodrelated.
You haven't been here, so whyshould you be here now?
And then what really got me wasthey're having like social hour
.
Well, that's what it is.
It's a social event they're,and they're just all sharing
(19:03):
stories and they're talking awayand they're laughing and it's
like, excuse me, I'm here withmy dad having these final
moments.
He is dying, I'm having to havethese final moments, but, excuse
me, I have to block out yournoise because you're over there
having chitty, chatty happy hourand catching up over the last
20 years.
Chrisy (19:22):
I think that a lot of those people do kind of look at
it as an opportunity to see soand so.
Oh yeah, I remember, I rememberso and so I used to hang out
with when we used to hang outwith the person who passed away,
they might be there.
I want to go there because Imight get a chance to see them.
Kerry (19:35):
And then they want to come console you and I'm just
like, get away from me, I don't,I don't and it's and I say that
honestly with as much respectas I can, because I appreciate
in their mind they think they'redoing the right thing, but to
me it was very disrespectful,very disrespectful.
And I was going through my owngrief and process in my family
(19:56):
was going through Again, therewas a lot of, there was so much
backstory, but what really gotme was, a week after my dad's
funeral, said person contacts meand says you didn't talk to me.
What's up with you?
What have I done to you thatyou wouldn't talk to me?
And you wouldn't talk to me atthe funeral.
And you were and I'm like,excuse me this, it wasn't your
dad that died.
This is, this is not about you.
(20:17):
And if you knew really like, ifyou were really that involved
with our family, you would haveknown why I was the way I was.
Going back to the originalquestion when is it right?
So the other funeral thathappened in my family at the
same time as this priest, it wasa distant cousin, a cousin who
I have not seen in probably 48years of my 52 years of life.
Knew of them, knew that theywere a cousin, a cousin who I
have not seen in probably 48years of my 52 years of life.
(20:38):
Knew of them, knew that theywere a cousin, maybe was a
little closer with one of theirsiblings, but again, and so
there was part of me that waslike, oh, I should go to the
funeral.
And then I stopped myself aftergoing to this other one and
thinking about my dad's funeral,everything like I think that
would be more disrespectful forme to show up.
Chrisy (20:54):
Well, you're thinking about it correctly the most
important thing with anybody isspending time with them, knowing
them, sharing with them duringlife.
Yes, yes, when my father passedaway, I do remember a lot of
people coming to the callinghours that I hadn't seen since I
was very little.
Kerry (21:14):
Yeah, Coming out of the woodwork.
Chrisy (21:16):
I was like, oh my, I didn't even know half of them
were still alive.
I was like holy moly, look atwho's shot.
Gee, you still living.
Good for you.
I guess you know my dad's not,but you are Okay.
Well, great.
Kerry (21:28):
Right.
Chrisy (21:29):
You know, yeah, funerals .
I think that you have seen abit of a shift in how they're
done.
I mean because I'm sure youremember this for a very long
time it was at least a two-dayevent.
Oh yeah, as far as what wasexpected of you, yes, you'd have
a one day of calling hours andyou'd have two calling hours.
Kerry (21:52):
You'd have one during the day and then you'd have evening
calling hours and thensometimes even calling hours the
hour before the actual funeral.
Yes, Depending on where it wasat, if it was at the church or
whatever you know.
Chrisy (22:04):
Yes and so and again.
Those calling hours arecertainly not to accommodate the
person who passed away.
They're obviously available.
Kerry (22:12):
Right, and they're not for the family, because that's
so horribly hard for the family.
It's very not for the familybecause that's so horribly hard
for the family.
It's very hard, yes.
Chrisy (22:19):
Yes, I would imagine.
Yes, but you're trying toaccommodate to make sure
everybody gets.
It's almost like well, if we'rehaving a show in the morning,
we're having a show in theevening.
Yeah, when's the matinee?
Yeah, you know, in case youmissed us, we're here, we're
back again, yeah, yeah.
So it's too much, and I do seea lot of people now having like
maybe an hour prior to churchservice.
Yes, and then the churchservice yes.
Kerry (22:41):
Then you got the luncheon after.
Chrisy (22:43):
Oh, let's talk about the title of those things.
I wrote it down in circlebecause we had talked about this
.
Kerry (22:49):
We did, we did.
What do you call it?
Chrisy (22:51):
I don't call it anything , I call it.
You know, is this cuisine goingto be worth it?
Because, yes, I'm horrible.
I mean, again, just understand,I'm probably not going to a
funeral.
Yeah, unless I absolutely haveto, I am, and a lot of the old
school people are going to tellhim just horribly disrespectful.
You should be there, but Idon't agree with that and I'll
(23:14):
just leave it at that.
Right, I've been coined by, Iguess, my husband's family,
uh-huh, and it sounds awful, andmaybe other people out there.
Let us know in comments, please.
They call it a mercy meal.
Mercy meal.
That's terrifying Mercy meal.
Kerry (23:29):
First of all, it doesn't sound like the food's going to
be any good.
So, right now you've lost meMercy meal.
It sounds like it should be themeal beforehand.
Chrisy (23:37):
Well, yeah, the last meal beforehand and I don't.
I'm not again.
I know that, if they're, Idon't think they listen to my
podcast, because I don't know.
But if they do, they're goingto be like.
You know why are you picking atus?
Kerry (23:49):
I'm not.
Chrisy (23:49):
I just never heard of it that way, and maybe they're
just like well, no, there's alot of people, but you hadn't
even not heard.
Kerry (23:55):
I had not heard of mercy meal.
I've always heard it as abereavement meal, or bereavement
luncheon or bereavement dinner,depending on what time of day
or whatever.
Or you know a family, you knowluncheon, but usually
bereavement is usually the wordthat I've heard.
Chrisy (24:08):
And so the mercy meal thing okay To me.
And some people will say whenthey pass away.
When they pass away, whenthey're prepping, preparing for
their funeral.
Kerry (24:19):
Planning their funeral Advanced planning.
Chrisy (24:21):
Right, some people will be like you know.
I just want everybody to have agreat time.
Kerry (24:25):
Yeah.
Chrisy (24:26):
Have a drink on me, right?
How is it that you feel thatway?
I mean, death is so final, itis, and it's an inevitable thing
.
Kerry (24:37):
We all have to deal with it.
Yeah, we're not getting awayfrom it.
Chrisy (24:39):
No, Yep, having a party?
I mean, have a party now.
Yeah, I don't want to tell youto go party after, right, maybe
I wanted to come, maybe I didn't.
Yeah, chance or me, maybe shedon't want to party anyhow.
Anyways, everybody party on, Iguess.
Kerry (24:54):
But I want it to be people that really knew love and
respected me.
I want my inner people, but Ithink I'll be pissed off if I'm
lying there.
Well, I'm going to be cremated,so I ain't going to be lying
there.
Chrisy (25:07):
So I'll be dust in the room, but I hope they don't use
you for the ashes when theycan't find the ashes for.
Kerry (25:11):
Ash Wednesday.
But I guess the way I see it is, if I was that important to you
in your life, then yes, please,but don't come to my funeral to
make amends for yourself.
So if you were a shithole to meand you were a jerk to me, or
if you had all these illfeelings toward me, don't come
to my funeral to make up, to tryto make yourself feel better.
(25:32):
You know what I mean.
And if I made an impact on yourlife, then I would love it.
But you know, I, just the wholepeople that come I love whenever
I see a funeral and it is trulysuch a celebration of life and,
again, being I work at a church, I've seen a lot of wonderful,
amazing funerals where people,just everybody that walked in
(25:54):
the door had such a good storyabout the person that passed
away and like, and I love seeingthat and to me, that that is,
that truly is a celebration oflife, not a funeral, you know,
and I like that.
But when I see these ones whereit's just, oh, I, I heard they
passed away and when did youtalk to him last?
Oh, it's probably been 50 years.
(26:14):
Why are you here?
Yeah, why are you here?
Yeah, and that's, it's a it'sprobably been 50 years.
Chrisy (26:17):
Why are you here?
Yeah, why are you here?
Yeah, it's a whole thing.
Kerry (26:18):
And everyone's different, and if you're that person that
needs to go, then again that'syou, you do you, but it's just.
I found in my own personalexperience, especially being on
the grieving end, I was reallybothered by the people that were
there and made it about themRight.
Bothered by the people thatwere there and made it about
(26:40):
them right, especially the afterattacks of you know why
wouldn't you talk to me at thefuneral?
Chrisy (26:42):
uh, excuse me well, why wouldn't you even just take into
consideration possibly thisperson is grieving?
Yes and everybody does.
Kerry (26:49):
Grief is very grief is very personal, yes, and you need
to allow a person to have theirrights to that exactly exactly,
and there was so much going onmy life, their rights to that
Exactly exactly, and there wasso much going on in my life at
the time that my dad died.
There was just so much.
Funerals again brought that upbecause really in the past two
weeks or so, six funerals that Iwas either somewhat involved
(27:10):
with because of the church Iwork in or people that I know,
or relatives I know, or peoplethat are close to me that I know
that are passing away or inhospice or whatever.
So I just thought that would bean interesting topic for today.
Chrisy (27:21):
I just, yeah, make a note because, if anybody missed
it, because you're so sweet andnice.
Kerry (27:26):
Oh God, what did I do?
Chrisy (27:27):
Yes, Carrie did say the word shithole.
I did that in my password voice.
The word is shithole.
Thank you.
Kerry (27:42):
Chrissy, when we have our next naughty or nice episode.
She's like I remember, when youwere naughty you said shithole
yeah.
Chrisy (27:52):
We have a lot in regards to this subject.
Yes, and we know that most ofyou are listening in your car
while you're getting somewhere,and not everybody's driving
really far.
I think this is an excellenttopic.
Yes, because we still haveplenty to talk about.
I know we might have to do anepisode two On another day and
we can maybe combine it withsomething closely related to
this, but just to give you aheads up on what that would
(28:13):
entail, we'll talk more aboutmercy meals or bereavement meals
.
Yes, the hierarchy in seatingarrangements for family members.
Yes, sparring and fighting atfunerals, ooh, always a good
pastime.
And the cars, that car thing,oh yeah, the car, thing, crazy
man the whole idea of flags andcars and lights.
(28:35):
How do you handle that?
Kerry (28:36):
Oh yeah, this is definitely a two-parter.
It's a two-parter.
Chrisy (28:39):
Okay.
Kerry (28:39):
Well, stay tuned, yes.
Chrisy (28:41):
And maybe Carrie will come up A new word.
Kerry (28:47):
Join us again for the Carrie password.
All right, everybody.
Well, hey, thanks for hangingwith us today on this very
intriguing subject Stay on theroad.
Chrisy (28:58):
Don't drive off the road and hit anything on press,
because this subject was just soheavy.
You're like, oh my God, wepromise it gets better it gets
better.
Kerry (29:04):
So, all right, everybody.
But hey, before we leave,please make sure to check out
our Facebook page.
You can drop your comments oranything there.
Wherever you are streaming usfrom, please hit the subscribe
or follow button.
That definitely helps us withour ratings, and what really
helps us is any kind of reviews,especially those five star
reviews that you want to makesure you do that, and if you're
(29:26):
really loving us and you reallywant to help support us, you can
always become a subscriber.
As far as donating to us, so wehave that click on button where
you can either donate for onetime or you can donate every
show if you'd like to.
But you do all of that from ourwebsite,
dysfunctionjunkiesbuzzsproutcom.
Alrighty, everybody, stay tunedand we'll get back to you with
(29:47):
more on funerals in anotherepisode.
Bye-bye, bye.
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