September 10, 2025 • 31 mins
Grief isn't just about death—it's about lost opportunities, changing relationships, and the life you thought you'd have. Sometimes it hits months later when you least expect it. This week, Chrisy and Kerry dive into the dysfunction of grief, be sure to tune in.
#DysfunctionJunkies #GriefJourney
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrissy and Keri.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hello Junkies, I'm Keri and I'm Chrissy, so today's
episode I don't know what tothink of it, but we're gonna be
talking about grief today.
As you all know, my mom passedaway at the end of April.
You know I thought I had myshit together with her dying.
I really did, because you knowshe had been sick for a while.
(00:41):
There had been, you know, aslow decline and to me it was
like I almost felt like I hadexperienced the death of my
mother way before she passedaway, because who she was as a
person had changed over theyears, and so the mom that I
have the good memories of, theyou know the relationship and
(01:01):
everything that ended so longago.
But these last couple of yearswas more.
You know it was a new stageended so long ago, but these
last couple years was more.
You know it was a new stage.
So I really thought I wasprepared.
But then, okay, so she passedaway April 22.
I found that by July I wasreally I was down the dumps and
I was really struggling.
And then it hit me I wasactually finally dealing with
(01:22):
this grief.
So we thought we would talkabout this today and hopefully
we'll be able to find some humorin it to help relieve this, but
Chrissy had some interestingtakes on grief as well.
What do you want to add forright now?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I think with grief, initially everybody connects
that with the loss of a personor a relationship, I guess, and
there's a grieving process tothat.
But you also can grieve thingswith lost opportunities that you
realize that you won't maybe beable to have.
(01:56):
If you have friends or familythat maybe encounters different
health problems, people withdisabilities, things like that,
where you kind of initially gointo a relationship or go with a
family member with all of theseideas of what their life and
your life with them is going tolook like and then when you get
(02:20):
some sort of stone in the roador in your shoe however, you
want to say it and you realizethat it's not going to be the
picture that you had in yourmind, to whatever level.
It could be something veryminimal or it could be something
big.
There is a grieving process forthat too.
(02:40):
And going back to when you saidthat, you had thought that you
kind of were going through thegrieving process probably early
on, even before your mom hadpassed away because she was
declining.
And you, just you know, you'reaware of what's going on.
Where this is going Right,absolutely.
And then you know you had sometime removed from when she
(03:03):
passed.
And you know you had some timeremoved from when she passed
where you kind of felt yourfeelings were raw again, almost
as if it had just happened, andit like probably took you back.
You're like, did I really?
How was I walking around withthis?
And all of a sudden it surfaced.
Yes, I had an experience.
My father's been gone since 08.
(03:24):
And it was probably in the lastcouple years and it struck me
very odd and it came out ofnowhere.
Yeah, because I generally liketo keep myself.
Well, you just anybody, notjust me, everybody.
You feel like you know yourfeelings and you're in some kind
of control and you have somesort of an idea of how you react
to things.
But we were watching ourwedding video.
(03:46):
Oh, probably when it was our30th anniversary, so this is
probably how long ago it wasBecause we pulled it out and we
were watching it.
And you've been married so long, or I mean anybody, I guess it
doesn't matter how long you'remarried.
You watch some of these thingsand you start looking at all
these people in these videos andyou're like, gone, gone gone.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
It's really hard.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
Well, there was one point in the video where, you
know, because we had avideographer doing the video and
they like, would go around andask people questions or have
them talk to the camera to giveus messages, right and there was
a point where actually I don'tI think it might have been when
my father was walking me downthe aisle.
I don't even know that I heardhis voice, although his voice is
on that video, but all of asudden it came out of nowhere.
I completely lost all composureand cried like a baby, and it's
(04:34):
not like I haven't looked atpictures of him since then or
anything, but I just don't knowwhat triggered it in me and that
grief and that pain.
It was short-lived, but it cameon hard.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
And that's what happened to me.
So, you know, when my mom wasin that final week and in the
month after her passing, youknow there was so much that I
had to do, there was so muchthat I you know, I was the
primary person, I was doing allthe paper and all the legalities
, and then I was dealing with alot of dynamics within the
(05:09):
family.
So I think for me what it wasis I was in survival mode and I
was in walls up, you know, andcompartmentalizing my emotions,
and I really thought I wasprepared for my mom's passing
because, again, we've been, wehave been preparing for this for
the past couple years, you know.
(05:30):
And so then, okay, so that wasat the end of April.
So in June things were justabout winding down.
All of my responsibilities werepretty much done, things were
pretty much where I could.
Okay, that stage has all thoseresponsibilities have passed.
We went on vacation, we were inJamaica, got there on a Saturday
and I'm trying to think if itwas Monday or Tuesday.
(05:53):
I think it was Monday, yeah, itwas Monday.
So we get there Saturday,monday, I wake up and I'm
feeling weepy, emotional, andI'm like what the heck is this
about.
But I was like, okay, whatever,you know, I'm just finally my
body's shutting like, going inrelax mode and I'm kind of
coming down off of this monthsand months of defensive mode.
(06:13):
So we were going to go todinner or lunch and so we all
walked over to this little hutwhere the at the resort, we were
going to have this fabulouslunch.
And I just remember I sat downand it hit me like that and I
can't just it hit me hard and Ijust got up and said I can't do
this.
And I went back to the room andI bawled my eyes out for like
(06:37):
hours and yeah, you know, myfriends we were with, and my
husband obviously, werecompletely understanding and I
kind of knew like if I was goingto finally feel something, it
would be about then becauseagain was in a safe space, was
with my friends and my husbandand in I was away from
everything.
But it lasted for like it allthe next day, which I felt bad
(06:59):
because that was our 20thanniversary, and then, and even
the butlers, like at one pointthey wanted to do something in
the room, but I was likecomatose and in the bed, just
not wanting to be anything partof the world.
So they shut all the doors andthey like put all this, you know
decorations and stuff in theroom.
It was the next day that Ifinally was like, okay, I got to
pull my, pull my bootstraps upand get myself going again.
(07:21):
But really June and July andAugust it hit hard.
And it just was disabling, and Iwas not expecting that.
Not at all.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Yeah, no, I'm sure not.
I mean, it's sort of.
That's the one thing I don'tthink you know.
Well, there's so many things wedon't control.
I would almost venture to saywe control nothing.
I think we work really hard atcontrolling.
I would almost venture to saywe control nothing.
I think we work really hard atcontrolling how we're going to
feel about things, and thatreminds us that you're not
controlling that at all.
No, no.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And everybody kept saying you know like right after
, how are you doing?
I'm like I'm fine, I'm fine,and they're like, oh, I wasn't
fine.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
And.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm like oh OK, well, you know whatever.
But then I'm like yeah, I'm notfine?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
No, none of us really are.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
But it just, it just got me how it was so delayed and
and then I started thinkingabout, like what?
What other losses have I hadthat really have hit me, you
know and you know and I just itreally it was.
It was very telling to me.
So one of the other losses thatI had experienced was my
(08:29):
soulmate friend Don and I, youknow, we've been friends for a
long time and we had a thirdperson that was in our little
friend group, little threemusketeers of us, and his name
was Ron, and he tragicallypassed away and sadly we weren't
told about him passing until itwas a couple months afterwards.
Oh my God, oh yeah.
And talk about dysfunction.
There was a lot of dysfunctionin that story, but he was
(08:53):
another one.
That that.
That is one that I will stillget teary eyed about.
Like, and what's weird is I'vebeen finding that I've been
having a lot of dreams latelywhere, like now, I'm at that
stage where, like, my mom'scoming to me in my dreams and
the other night our friend Roncame to me in a dream and he
brought me flowers, and so nowit's like I'm just realizing
(09:14):
that with it's just part of thisgrief stage is that I'm finally
feeling these emotions and soin my dream state I'm like
trying to heal myself with thesegood thoughts in my dreams and
you know, seeing these people inmy dreams and stuff.
But yeah, it's grief.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
It's like an onion.
That's interesting.
You bring that up, that you'rein your dream state, that your
mind is trying to help you.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Or are you?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
asking for help, and it's well no, I don't think it's
weird.
Are you asking for help andit's well no, I don't think it's
weird.
I guess, if anything, that putsthat whole idea of having
dreams of people who've passedon in a different light for me
that I never thought of, becauseI do know that people will say
they dream of family members orclose friends who have passed
away, and I think they reallytry and maybe you do this they
(10:02):
try to make it almost as ifthey're trying to communicate
with you.
So they're actually trying tosay that these people who have
passed on are actually trying tocommunicate with you, which I
know some people feel morestrongly that they believe in
that more than I do.
I've been honest about that.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Yeah, just because I just don't feel that kind of
goes back to our ghost episode.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Right About.
Do you believe in that?
Afterlife and everything likethat right right, but I like how
you put it, where you weretrying to that you were fully
responsible for what you weretrying to do for yourself, and
that was to heal yourself.
And even though you weren'tforcing yourself you can't do
that, but your subconscious orwhatever that works with us
during dreams and stuff wastrying to help you function
(10:48):
again and put it in a good place.
So actually I kind of that'slike a whole new way of looking
at it that I never thought tolook at it.
So that's actually pretty cool,thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
My dream state, you know, not togo crazy about this because
it'll turn into a whole otherepisode with that whole thing
(11:08):
and we're supposed to reallyjust deal with grief.
But talking about people you'velost, for some reason I feel
like when I do have a dreamabout somebody who maybe passed
away family member, it wouldjust be a family member.
I haven't really had any dreamsof anyone who wasn't family
that passed away.
But it's weird because for somereason my mind takes it to some
weird place and I seem toreally remember when I wake up
(11:31):
and sort of reflect on thesedreams.
The person in my dream who'sdeceased either never speaks to
me.
Okay, like you never hear theirvoice.
You know that they're there andpart of the.
They're there somehow, butthere's never any communication
from them, right?
And maybe you're trying to talkto them and they're not
responding, or it's almost as iftheir back is always turned,
like you never see their face.
(11:52):
Oh yeah, kind of weird, yeah.
So I read somewhere, maybe itwas on a TV show or something.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I don't know, but about like in your dreams.
If something's written like youcan't read in your dreams and
I'm like that can't be true,because I see things all the
time.
In fact, in this dream that Ihad about my friend, he sent
these flowers and there was acard and I read I was reading on
the card that you know thatthey were from him, but in my
(12:20):
dream I knew he would passedaway, but he had somebody living
.
Give me this card, in that itwas from him, but I was able to
read.
So when you dream, how vivid doyou dream Like?
If something is in writing, canyou read it, or do you dream in
color?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Well, the color I think I take for granted.
I know they say you don't dreamin color, or maybe some people
say that, but I think just youever see where they try to do
that thing, where they'll, andyour brain fills it in.
I almost feel like with thatkind of thing where they say,
(12:55):
well, you don't really dream incolor, but you're like well, I
remember my dream and it wascolor.
That maybe your mind just doesit for you after the fact,
there's definitely color in mydreams.
Yeah, I can't say.
My dreams are that vivid that Icould tell you for sure it was
in color.
But do you ever rememberreading in your dreams?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Well, because I hate reading in general.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Are you watching TV with subtitles on the movies in
your dreams?
You know what?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
You would think that if I was dreaming, it would be
dreaming about like a TV show ora movie, or watching a TV show.
Or cartoons, but I don't evenremember seeing a TV in my
dreams.
That's terrible.
Wow, I would grieve the loss ofmy television too as well as
family.
I'm going to grieve the factthat my dreams have no TV in
(13:47):
them.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
That's terrible, you know, and I think that what your
point point of that sometimeswe grieve things.
It doesn't have to be the lossof a person.
It's a time in our life iscoming to a close.
So, like I remember, when Jimwas diagnosed with cancer and we
went through that, I just keptthinking like I just can't wait
to get our life back and I can'twait to get our life back, and
it was probably the second yearin that.
(14:09):
It finally hit me that we'renever getting that life back.
We will get a new life and itdoesn't mean it's not going to
be great, it's just what we hadpre-cancer.
That will never come back.
Life as we know it is alwaysgoing to be.
Now, what life is post-cancer?
We will always have to dealwith things that because of the
(14:29):
cancer.
I remember going through thatgrieving process and I think a
little part of me on top of youknow mom's passing it is that
this is a big turning point.
You know my husband and I movedhere from Las Vegas.
We moved back here and thepoint was to take care of my
parents and our job is done now.
Right Now, we're getting readyto what's.
(14:51):
What is life going?
What are we going to do now.
So we are making these plansfor what we're going to done now
.
Now we're getting ready towhat's.
What is life going?
What are we going to do now?
So we are making these plansfor what we're going to do now,
but that also includes the factthat you know we're both getting
older, as we talked about inAugust that Jim had his 60th
birthday, so we are enteringthis new era of life and, ok,
what are we?
How are we?
(15:11):
How is life going to look?
And I think that there's a partof me right now that is also
grieving that there there arecertain things are ending for us
.
Right, although I'm veryexcited about our future, I am
sad about what's ending.
Right, you know that we aren'tthe young kids that we were when
we met and that we aren't ableto do as things and that we we
(15:34):
didn't enjoy before that.
Now they're limited, and so,yeah, there's been a lot of of
reality of that, and I thinkthat's why I have struggled so
much in the past couple monthswith being depressed and and
that is not my nature so itmakes it even harder for me,
because I get on myself that youcan't be, you're not.
It's like I'm not allowed tofeel that and so I have to give
(15:57):
myself some grace and go no,it's OK, you can grieve Right,
but it's a lot, like I saidbefore, a lot of layers to that
onion.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Oh yeah yeah, when my father passed away.
There's a part of what wasgoing on in my life that I feel
very fortunate to have had adistraction through that process
.
My father's illness and deathhappened fairly quickly and was
(16:25):
not expected, but I had justfound out, shortly after he
found out what he was dealingwith, that I was pregnant with
my first child and I was hopingthat, him knowing that, because
I saw my father just notfighting like I had expected him
to fight, but I just that, Ithink, just demonstrated to what
level his illness was there.
(16:47):
But he knew I was going to havea baby and what's funny is he
said it was going to be a girl.
Not that I I'm not trying tosay you know he was able to
predict that, but for whateverreason he felt that and so
having my daughter going throughthat pregnancy and the
excitement of that, it didn'terase my father and that loss,
(17:08):
but it definitely helped notallow me to spend a lot of time
in that grief yeah.
And then just the whole processof having a baby for the first
time, yeah, and that all thatnew stuff.
It was uh, not that I go outand say, well, if you know, if
somebody close to you is passingaway, maybe have a baby and it
(17:30):
will help.
It's just the way it worked outfor us.
That was the timeline we hadand I am grateful and I always
say she's like the greatest giftI ever ever got.
You know, all my kids arewonderful gifts.
But that really helped because,I did basically identify myself
a lot with that family dynamicthat was there and when he
(17:54):
passed it was never the same.
I know some people want tofight really hard to try and
keep it that way, but whenthere's that absence it just
doesn't happen, right, right.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Yes, and I think that's where I'm kind of really
grateful that, if you can begrateful, I don't want that to
sound weird, but you know mompassed right after Easter, like
two days after Easter, and foryou know that was kind of like
the end of the holiday season.
You know what I mean.
So, like now we've have, we'llhave all this time before
(18:26):
September or, I'm sorry,november, when the holidays
start back up again.
And the holidays were always bigwith my mom and so I'm kind of
really grateful because, I don'tknow, I think I would have been
really hard if she would havepassed like right in the holiday
season or like I'm glad there'sbeen some separation because I
know the holidays are going tobe hard.
(18:47):
But I can't imagine, you know,if you lose a loved one right in
the thick of an importantseason.
You know and maybe for somefamilies, you know, maybe that
is the summertime or maybe it'saround a birthday or there's
something else, but for us,especially the holidays would
have been hard.
So yeah.
But talk about being smacked inthe face.
(19:09):
That that was.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
Well, it's a it's.
It takes you by surprise.
Once you could really basicallydefine what you're feeling,
yeah, and understand, like whenthat hit me, I I never
experienced anything and it'sweird because it was really just
a brief moment, yeah,considering all the moments
you've had at this point in yourlife.
But it stuck with me becauseprior to that, I don't remember
(19:33):
ever being that affected by anemotion like that before, where
I didn't.
Usually if you're upset oryou're sad, it builds, and that
was the first time I ever feltanything just come out of
nowhere and hit and I had likeno control over that grief.
That hit me Probably like whatyou all of a sudden didn't
(19:56):
expect it and it just came outof nowhere.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah 100%, and you know we talk about losing a
person, but sometimes losing ananimal can be just as bad.
So, I've had a lot of pets.
I mean, obviously I've beensurrounded by animals my entire
life and everything.
I mean obviously I've beensurrounded by animals my entire
life and everything.
But there are a few pets thatcause major grief and I wrote in
our show notes the loss of MrBanks, because that one, Mr
(20:22):
Banks, was a pony that I had nottoo long ago I think it was
like 2018 that I got him.
He was just the best littlepony.
He was great.
You could do anything Anybodycould ride.
He was just the best littlepony.
He was great.
You could do anything Anybodycould brought.
He was just, he was great.
And he suddenly got very sickand passed away like must have
been maybe 2021.
And I grieved.
(20:42):
I feel like I grieved as hardover that and I know this people
can probably think this iscrazy, but as I have been
feeling for my mom and I mean itstruck me hard Right.
And you know, I knew we weregoing to be recording today, but
what was funny is we were on ashort road trip yesterday taking
my sister in love back to theairport and somehow or another
(21:04):
we got to talking about thehorses that I've had and
everything, and Mr Banks came upand it was the same thing hit
me like a ton of bricks.
I started bawling right therein the car Just at the thought
of him and I mean even now likeI can feel it in the back of my
throat.
And it's not like the otheranimals weren't as important or
whatever, but there was justsomething really special about
that.
So, yeah, it's weird how griefcan hit you over different
(21:29):
things, whether it's the loss ofa family member, a spouse, a
time of your life, a certainperiod of your life, you know,
an animal, a pet, a friend, youknow.
And then there's also the angerthat goes all with it, and I
didn't think I would have angerover my mom's death and I
realized, well, my anger isn'tnecessarily my mom or her death.
(21:51):
My anger is that the eventsthat I'm having to deal with,
that surrounded this wholesituation, the things I had to
deal with with family orsituations, that, because of all
that, the anger of it, theanger that I have to deal with
this, and it's just, it gets you, and I definitely know you know
about anger.
It gets you.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
And I definitely know you know about anger.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Who me Chrissy had a little anger episode, but yeah,
so you get what I'm saying.
There's a whole anger that goesalongside with the grief and
that just kind of thejuxtaposition of the two
emotions it's so hard.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I'm wondering if this is a question to ask and maybe
I can be really off, because Iam not at all a counselor or
proposed to be have anybackground in this.
But when you bring up angerit's an interesting thing and it
goes hand in hand, I do believe, with the grieving process.
It's on like the list of thestages of grief.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
DJ Nick, you should look up the stages of grief.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
He's very familiar with it.
It's the first stage, is itreally?
Speaker 2 (22:54):
What's the next one?
You have to please me.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
You mean it's like the commandments, where they all
have designated numbers and itdoesn't have DBA.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Cool Grief.
Number one.
It's only number one.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
He said it's anger.
You usually get angry first,probably, at the fact that the
person left you.
Is that I mean?
Is that where you're connectingthat?
Because what I was going to saywhile you're looking up that
list is when you do experiencethat anger in your grieving
process.
Are you angry at the person whoyou lost, or the time of your
life that is now behind you, theloss of whatever?
(23:33):
Are you angry at the actualperson or event or part of your
life, or are you angry at thepeople who make that experience
more complicated?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
yes, so I'm thinking, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking the
stages of dying, oh, okay sowhich?
Elizabeth kubler-ross did allthat research.
She was the first one to reallyput it, and so denial is the
first one oh, okay and thenanger is is the second stage.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Okay but that's the person who's actually
experiencing that.
But, what are the stages ofgrief?
Is there a list of stages ofgrief to some extent?
Because I think, even thoughthose are the stages of dying,
that the loved one—.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
They actually use them for that.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Interchangeably?
Yeah, I think that the personwho is close to the person
experiencing that— yeah, andthen bargaining is three we
bargain for more time.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
And then depression.
And then there is acceptance.
You know you're finallyaccepting, you know that you're
going to die, or of someone thatyou've lost, or something
you've lost, that you know.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
you finally accept the fact that you know that this
is not something that you cansit around and dwell on and wish
that where you're doing thebargaining and you can sit there
and be angry about it.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah, you have to sort of say I'm sure people
don't go through it.
Mutually exclusive yeah, nowI'm in stage three.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Check that box.
Stage one done.
Check that box.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Stage two.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I am now in stage three, but yeah, but the anger
thing.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
I do wonder if it gets displaced on the person
that you've lost, or the time ofthe expectation of what you've
lost is gone.
Is it with that specifically?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
but the anger is there and maybe you just don't
understand where it needs tobasically be directed to Right
and that's displace is a goodone, because that is something
that I've been starting to bemore aware of, because there's
things that I've been angryabout and I definitely know that
I've been scapegoating becauseI'll catch myself maybe snapping
(25:38):
about something or being upsetabout something and then I
realized, oh, that wasn't fair,because I was.
I'm not really mad at thatperson, I'm just mad inside.
And it's just coming out eitherin extremely foul language or,
you know, I might be short inhow I answer somebody in it, and
it's not meant to be short ofthat person, it's just in my
(26:00):
mind.
There's this whole notherRolodex of conversations going
on and that comes out, you knowlike my answer to you.
Know, do you want me to startthe laundry?
Yes, but no.
But it's really not the laundry, it's the internal monologue in
my head of that you've probablybeen battling.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Yes, and nobody you know person that you're around
doesn't hear or see that.
But you're exhausted with itbecause you've been thinking
about it for a very lengthyperiod of time.
100%.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
So, yeah, it's been kind of a little bit of a bummer
of a summer because I've beendealing with all that, but
that's the one thing I'm lookingfor.
I feel like I'm maybe at thelight.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I feel like I'm on the upswing now.
So well, the one thing I have tosay and I probably again given
some credit to my father,remembering what he may have
experienced, and I don't know, Idon't want to knock it up to be
that he was a man and he dealtwith his emotions differently
than, say, my mother or anyoneelse.
And I fail at this a lot inparenting in general, not that I
(27:11):
feel like I'm a failed parent,but I do recognize my flaws and
you do compare yourselfsometimes to your own parents.
Yeah, the one thing that comesup a lot, that we talk about and
my husband does it too we don'tremember our parents letting
things on as much as we do.
Right, like I would not havebeen aware of those type of
(27:35):
emotions from my parents, youknow, with their loss of they've
lost parents, right?
I mean, my father made certainthings known.
He, he was, uh, his parentswere divorced.
So his feelings, you know, he'sdefinitely closer with one of
his parents more than the other.
He, you didn't see that in them.
You're right, I feel badbecause I feel like I should be
(27:57):
better in that way to sort ofbasically protect my daughter
from seeing the messiness of it.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
It is messy.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
And you don't want them to because it does affect
them.
You know I feel guilty about it.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
That's a really good point.
I never thought about thatuntil you were just saying but
you know, my mom's parents werepassed away before I was born,
so I never saw my mom go throughthat.
I mean, I saw what my mom dealtwith, knowing that she lost her
mother at a very young age, butI didn't, you know, I wasn't
there for the process.
You know, and then my dad, mygrandfather, passed away.
(28:32):
I'm not sure if I was born orif I was just really young,
because I don't really have anymemories of him.
So his mother, she passed awaywhen I was in either late high
school or early college.
I remember that at one point,while she was passing, like
while she was in her final days,I must have said something and
my mom said to me you know, yourdad?
(28:54):
It was something like give yourdad a little break.
He's he's losing his mother,and I always remember her saying
that to me and I never thoughtabout like, oh, like my dad's
losing his mom, but I really.
But what you just said, yeah, Inever really thought about like
learning or seeing from them,because I really, out of four, I
only saw one and and I didn'thave a good relationship with
(29:17):
that.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Obviously I was gonna say you were probably thinking,
yeah, finally, I will be freeof any opportunities to have a
second or third degree burns onmy body Right.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Or, you know, getting being forced to drive a car
while she's drunk and I'm 12.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
You know, so I can see how you probably didn't
quite understand what that griefwas about.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I didn't understand that and I did until you just
said what you were saying.
I didn't make that connection,but yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
So I kind of feel bad that I didn't give really make
you realize or feel that therewas any reason to act
differently.
Yeah, that's true.
So don't think of it as a flawin you.
Maybe give them a little creditfor the fact that they let you
kind of continue to feel the wayyou did.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Yeah that's true.
So, anyways, there's grief.
What's for dinner?
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Grief.
Yay, alrighty, everybody needsto go and get an ice cream
sundae now.
Make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Or maybe some hot dogs and ice cream, and if
you're on a diet, add a hot dogto it.
Speaker 3 (30:38):
Yes, that always made me feel better.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
All right.
Well, hey, please be sure tocheck out our Facebook page and
maybe if you need to share youknow if it'll help you to share
some of your grief, what's fordinner kind of stories please
feel free to share, put on ourFacebook page.
You can email us.
But, yeah, check out our newwebsite,
(31:05):
dysfunctionjunkiespodcastcom.
And also, don't forgetSeptember.
We are supporting Canine forCanine Companions with our
Junkies Care Initiative.
We will be at the Dog Fest inNew Albany, ohio, for Canine
Companions on September 21st atone o'clock and you can learn
all about that on our website.
Yes, please donate.
Yes, donate to that and we willsee you next week.
Bye everybody, Bye-bye.
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrissy and Keri.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hello Junkies, I'm Keri and I'm Chrissy, so today's
episode I don't know what tothink of it, but we're gonna be
talking about grief today.
As you all know, my mom passedaway at the end of April.
You know I thought I had myshit together with her dying.
I really did, because you knowshe had been sick for a while.
(00:41):
There had been, you know, aslow decline and to me it was
like I almost felt like I hadexperienced the death of my
mother way before she passedaway, because who she was as a
person had changed over theyears, and so the mom that I
have the good memories of, theyou know the relationship and
(01:01):
everything that ended so longago.
But these last couple of yearswas more.
You know it was a new stageended so long ago, but these
last couple years was more.
You know it was a new stage.
So I really thought I wasprepared.
But then, okay, so she passedaway April 22.
I found that by July I wasreally I was down the dumps and
I was really struggling.
And then it hit me I wasactually finally dealing with
(01:22):
this grief.
So we thought we would talkabout this today and hopefully
we'll be able to find some humorin it to help relieve this, but
Chrissy had some interestingtakes on grief as well.
What do you want to add forright now?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I think with grief, initially everybody connects
that with the loss of a personor a relationship, I guess, and
there's a grieving process tothat.
But you also can grieve thingswith lost opportunities that you
realize that you won't maybe beable to have.
(01:56):
If you have friends or familythat maybe encounters different
health problems, people withdisabilities, things like that,
where you kind of initially gointo a relationship or go with a
family member with all of theseideas of what their life and
your life with them is going tolook like and then when you get
(02:20):
some sort of stone in the roador in your shoe however, you
want to say it and you realizethat it's not going to be the
picture that you had in yourmind, to whatever level.
It could be something veryminimal or it could be something
big.
There is a grieving process forthat too.
(02:40):
And going back to when you saidthat, you had thought that you
kind of were going through thegrieving process probably early
on, even before your mom hadpassed away because she was
declining.
And you, just you know, you'reaware of what's going on.
Where this is going Right,absolutely.
And then you know you had sometime removed from when she
(03:03):
passed.
And you know you had some timeremoved from when she passed
where you kind of felt yourfeelings were raw again, almost
as if it had just happened, andit like probably took you back.
You're like, did I really?
How was I walking around withthis?
And all of a sudden it surfaced.
Yes, I had an experience.
My father's been gone since 08.
(03:24):
And it was probably in the lastcouple years and it struck me
very odd and it came out ofnowhere.
Yeah, because I generally liketo keep myself.
Well, you just anybody, notjust me, everybody.
You feel like you know yourfeelings and you're in some kind
of control and you have somesort of an idea of how you react
to things.
But we were watching ourwedding video.
(03:46):
Oh, probably when it was our30th anniversary, so this is
probably how long ago it wasBecause we pulled it out and we
were watching it.
And you've been married so long, or I mean anybody, I guess it
doesn't matter how long you'remarried.
You watch some of these thingsand you start looking at all
these people in these videos andyou're like, gone, gone gone.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
It's really hard.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
Well, there was one point in the video where, you
know, because we had avideographer doing the video and
they like, would go around andask people questions or have
them talk to the camera to giveus messages, right and there was
a point where actually I don'tI think it might have been when
my father was walking me downthe aisle.
I don't even know that I heardhis voice, although his voice is
on that video, but all of asudden it came out of nowhere.
I completely lost all composureand cried like a baby, and it's
(04:34):
not like I haven't looked atpictures of him since then or
anything, but I just don't knowwhat triggered it in me and that
grief and that pain.
It was short-lived, but it cameon hard.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
And that's what happened to me.
So, you know, when my mom wasin that final week and in the
month after her passing, youknow there was so much that I
had to do, there was so muchthat I you know, I was the
primary person, I was doing allthe paper and all the legalities
, and then I was dealing with alot of dynamics within the
(05:09):
family.
So I think for me what it wasis I was in survival mode and I
was in walls up, you know, andcompartmentalizing my emotions,
and I really thought I wasprepared for my mom's passing
because, again, we've been, wehave been preparing for this for
the past couple years, you know.
(05:30):
And so then, okay, so that wasat the end of April.
So in June things were justabout winding down.
All of my responsibilities werepretty much done, things were
pretty much where I could.
Okay, that stage has all thoseresponsibilities have passed.
We went on vacation, we were inJamaica, got there on a Saturday
and I'm trying to think if itwas Monday or Tuesday.
(05:53):
I think it was Monday, yeah, itwas Monday.
So we get there Saturday,monday, I wake up and I'm
feeling weepy, emotional, andI'm like what the heck is this
about.
But I was like, okay, whatever,you know, I'm just finally my
body's shutting like, going inrelax mode and I'm kind of
coming down off of this monthsand months of defensive mode.
(06:13):
So we were going to go todinner or lunch and so we all
walked over to this little hutwhere the at the resort, we were
going to have this fabulouslunch.
And I just remember I sat downand it hit me like that and I
can't just it hit me hard and Ijust got up and said I can't do
this.
And I went back to the room andI bawled my eyes out for like
(06:37):
hours and yeah, you know, myfriends we were with, and my
husband obviously, werecompletely understanding and I
kind of knew like if I was goingto finally feel something, it
would be about then becauseagain was in a safe space, was
with my friends and my husbandand in I was away from
everything.
But it lasted for like it allthe next day, which I felt bad
(06:59):
because that was our 20thanniversary, and then, and even
the butlers, like at one pointthey wanted to do something in
the room, but I was likecomatose and in the bed, just
not wanting to be anything partof the world.
So they shut all the doors andthey like put all this, you know
decorations and stuff in theroom.
It was the next day that Ifinally was like, okay, I got to
pull my, pull my bootstraps upand get myself going again.
(07:21):
But really June and July andAugust it hit hard.
And it just was disabling, and Iwas not expecting that.
Not at all.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Yeah, no, I'm sure not.
I mean, it's sort of.
That's the one thing I don'tthink you know.
Well, there's so many things wedon't control.
I would almost venture to saywe control nothing.
I think we work really hard atcontrolling.
I would almost venture to saywe control nothing.
I think we work really hard atcontrolling how we're going to
feel about things, and thatreminds us that you're not
controlling that at all.
No, no.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And everybody kept saying you know like right after
, how are you doing?
I'm like I'm fine, I'm fine,and they're like, oh, I wasn't
fine.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
And.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm like oh OK, well, you know whatever.
But then I'm like yeah, I'm notfine?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
No, none of us really are.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
But it just, it just got me how it was so delayed and
and then I started thinkingabout, like what?
What other losses have I hadthat really have hit me, you
know and you know and I just itreally it was.
It was very telling to me.
So one of the other losses thatI had experienced was my
(08:29):
soulmate friend Don and I, youknow, we've been friends for a
long time and we had a thirdperson that was in our little
friend group, little threemusketeers of us, and his name
was Ron, and he tragicallypassed away and sadly we weren't
told about him passing until itwas a couple months afterwards.
Oh my God, oh yeah.
And talk about dysfunction.
There was a lot of dysfunctionin that story, but he was
(08:53):
another one.
That that.
That is one that I will stillget teary eyed about.
Like, and what's weird is I'vebeen finding that I've been
having a lot of dreams latelywhere, like now, I'm at that
stage where, like, my mom'scoming to me in my dreams and
the other night our friend Roncame to me in a dream and he
brought me flowers, and so nowit's like I'm just realizing
(09:14):
that with it's just part of thisgrief stage is that I'm finally
feeling these emotions and soin my dream state I'm like
trying to heal myself with thesegood thoughts in my dreams and
you know, seeing these people inmy dreams and stuff.
But yeah, it's grief.
Speaker 3 (09:31):
It's like an onion.
That's interesting.
You bring that up, that you'rein your dream state, that your
mind is trying to help you.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Or are you?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
asking for help, and it's well no, I don't think it's
weird.
Are you asking for help andit's well no, I don't think it's
weird.
I guess, if anything, that putsthat whole idea of having
dreams of people who've passedon in a different light for me
that I never thought of, becauseI do know that people will say
they dream of family members orclose friends who have passed
away, and I think they reallytry and maybe you do this they
(10:02):
try to make it almost as ifthey're trying to communicate
with you.
So they're actually trying tosay that these people who have
passed on are actually trying tocommunicate with you, which I
know some people feel morestrongly that they believe in
that more than I do.
I've been honest about that.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Yeah, just because I just don't feel that kind of
goes back to our ghost episode.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Right About.
Do you believe in that?
Afterlife and everything likethat right right, but I like how
you put it, where you weretrying to that you were fully
responsible for what you weretrying to do for yourself, and
that was to heal yourself.
And even though you weren'tforcing yourself you can't do
that, but your subconscious orwhatever that works with us
during dreams and stuff wastrying to help you function
(10:48):
again and put it in a good place.
So actually I kind of that'slike a whole new way of looking
at it that I never thought tolook at it.
So that's actually pretty cool,thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
My dream state, you know, not togo crazy about this because
it'll turn into a whole otherepisode with that whole thing
(11:08):
and we're supposed to reallyjust deal with grief.
But talking about people you'velost, for some reason I feel
like when I do have a dreamabout somebody who maybe passed
away family member, it wouldjust be a family member.
I haven't really had any dreamsof anyone who wasn't family
that passed away.
But it's weird because for somereason my mind takes it to some
weird place and I seem toreally remember when I wake up
(11:31):
and sort of reflect on thesedreams.
The person in my dream who'sdeceased either never speaks to
me.
Okay, like you never hear theirvoice.
You know that they're there andpart of the.
They're there somehow, butthere's never any communication
from them, right?
And maybe you're trying to talkto them and they're not
responding, or it's almost as iftheir back is always turned,
like you never see their face.
(11:52):
Oh yeah, kind of weird, yeah.
So I read somewhere, maybe itwas on a TV show or something.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I don't know, but about like in your dreams.
If something's written like youcan't read in your dreams and
I'm like that can't be true,because I see things all the
time.
In fact, in this dream that Ihad about my friend, he sent
these flowers and there was acard and I read I was reading on
the card that you know thatthey were from him, but in my
(12:20):
dream I knew he would passedaway, but he had somebody living
.
Give me this card, in that itwas from him, but I was able to
read.
So when you dream, how vivid doyou dream Like?
If something is in writing, canyou read it, or do you dream in
color?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Well, the color I think I take for granted.
I know they say you don't dreamin color, or maybe some people
say that, but I think just youever see where they try to do
that thing, where they'll, andyour brain fills it in.
I almost feel like with thatkind of thing where they say,
(12:55):
well, you don't really dream incolor, but you're like well, I
remember my dream and it wascolor.
That maybe your mind just doesit for you after the fact,
there's definitely color in mydreams.
Yeah, I can't say.
My dreams are that vivid that Icould tell you for sure it was
in color.
But do you ever rememberreading in your dreams?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Well, because I hate reading in general.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Are you watching TV with subtitles on the movies in
your dreams?
You know what?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
You would think that if I was dreaming, it would be
dreaming about like a TV show ora movie, or watching a TV show.
Or cartoons, but I don't evenremember seeing a TV in my
dreams.
That's terrible.
Wow, I would grieve the loss ofmy television too as well as
family.
I'm going to grieve the factthat my dreams have no TV in
(13:47):
them.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
That's terrible, you know, and I think that what your
point point of that sometimeswe grieve things.
It doesn't have to be the lossof a person.
It's a time in our life iscoming to a close.
So, like I remember, when Jimwas diagnosed with cancer and we
went through that, I just keptthinking like I just can't wait
to get our life back and I can'twait to get our life back, and
it was probably the second yearin that.
(14:09):
It finally hit me that we'renever getting that life back.
We will get a new life and itdoesn't mean it's not going to
be great, it's just what we hadpre-cancer.
That will never come back.
Life as we know it is alwaysgoing to be.
Now, what life is post-cancer?
We will always have to dealwith things that because of the
(14:29):
cancer.
I remember going through thatgrieving process and I think a
little part of me on top of youknow mom's passing it is that
this is a big turning point.
You know my husband and I movedhere from Las Vegas.
We moved back here and thepoint was to take care of my
parents and our job is done now.
Right Now, we're getting readyto what's.
(14:51):
What is life going?
What are we going to do now.
So we are making these plansfor what we're going to done now
.
Now we're getting ready towhat's.
What is life going?
What are we going to do now?
So we are making these plansfor what we're going to do now,
but that also includes the factthat you know we're both getting
older, as we talked about inAugust that Jim had his 60th
birthday, so we are enteringthis new era of life and, ok,
what are we?
How are we?
(15:11):
How is life going to look?
And I think that there's a partof me right now that is also
grieving that there there arecertain things are ending for us
.
Right, although I'm veryexcited about our future, I am
sad about what's ending.
Right, you know that we aren'tthe young kids that we were when
we met and that we aren't ableto do as things and that we we
(15:34):
didn't enjoy before that.
Now they're limited, and so,yeah, there's been a lot of of
reality of that, and I thinkthat's why I have struggled so
much in the past couple monthswith being depressed and and
that is not my nature so itmakes it even harder for me,
because I get on myself that youcan't be, you're not.
It's like I'm not allowed tofeel that and so I have to give
(15:57):
myself some grace and go no,it's OK, you can grieve Right,
but it's a lot, like I saidbefore, a lot of layers to that
onion.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Oh yeah yeah, when my father passed away.
There's a part of what wasgoing on in my life that I feel
very fortunate to have had adistraction through that process
.
My father's illness and deathhappened fairly quickly and was
(16:25):
not expected, but I had justfound out, shortly after he
found out what he was dealingwith, that I was pregnant with
my first child and I was hopingthat, him knowing that, because
I saw my father just notfighting like I had expected him
to fight, but I just that, Ithink, just demonstrated to what
level his illness was there.
(16:47):
But he knew I was going to havea baby and what's funny is he
said it was going to be a girl.
Not that I I'm not trying tosay you know he was able to
predict that, but for whateverreason he felt that and so
having my daughter going throughthat pregnancy and the
excitement of that, it didn'terase my father and that loss,
(17:08):
but it definitely helped notallow me to spend a lot of time
in that grief yeah.
And then just the whole processof having a baby for the first
time, yeah, and that all thatnew stuff.
It was uh, not that I go outand say, well, if you know, if
somebody close to you is passingaway, maybe have a baby and it
(17:30):
will help.
It's just the way it worked outfor us.
That was the timeline we hadand I am grateful and I always
say she's like the greatest giftI ever ever got.
You know, all my kids arewonderful gifts.
But that really helped because,I did basically identify myself
a lot with that family dynamicthat was there and when he
(17:54):
passed it was never the same.
I know some people want tofight really hard to try and
keep it that way, but whenthere's that absence it just
doesn't happen, right, right.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Yes, and I think that's where I'm kind of really
grateful that, if you can begrateful, I don't want that to
sound weird, but you know mompassed right after Easter, like
two days after Easter, and foryou know that was kind of like
the end of the holiday season.
You know what I mean.
So, like now we've have, we'llhave all this time before
(18:26):
September or, I'm sorry,november, when the holidays
start back up again.
And the holidays were always bigwith my mom and so I'm kind of
really grateful because, I don'tknow, I think I would have been
really hard if she would havepassed like right in the holiday
season or like I'm glad there'sbeen some separation because I
know the holidays are going tobe hard.
(18:47):
But I can't imagine, you know,if you lose a loved one right in
the thick of an importantseason.
You know and maybe for somefamilies, you know, maybe that
is the summertime or maybe it'saround a birthday or there's
something else, but for us,especially the holidays would
have been hard.
So yeah.
But talk about being smacked inthe face.
(19:09):
That that was.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
Well, it's a it's.
It takes you by surprise.
Once you could really basicallydefine what you're feeling,
yeah, and understand, like whenthat hit me, I I never
experienced anything and it'sweird because it was really just
a brief moment, yeah,considering all the moments
you've had at this point in yourlife.
But it stuck with me becauseprior to that, I don't remember
(19:33):
ever being that affected by anemotion like that before, where
I didn't.
Usually if you're upset oryou're sad, it builds, and that
was the first time I ever feltanything just come out of
nowhere and hit and I had likeno control over that grief.
That hit me Probably like whatyou all of a sudden didn't
(19:56):
expect it and it just came outof nowhere.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah 100%, and you know we talk about losing a
person, but sometimes losing ananimal can be just as bad.
So, I've had a lot of pets.
I mean, obviously I've beensurrounded by animals my entire
life and everything.
I mean obviously I've beensurrounded by animals my entire
life and everything.
But there are a few pets thatcause major grief and I wrote in
our show notes the loss of MrBanks, because that one, Mr
(20:22):
Banks, was a pony that I had nottoo long ago I think it was
like 2018 that I got him.
He was just the best littlepony.
He was great.
You could do anything Anybodycould ride.
He was just the best littlepony.
He was great.
You could do anything Anybodycould brought.
He was just, he was great.
And he suddenly got very sickand passed away like must have
been maybe 2021.
And I grieved.
(20:42):
I feel like I grieved as hardover that and I know this people
can probably think this iscrazy, but as I have been
feeling for my mom and I mean itstruck me hard Right.
And you know, I knew we weregoing to be recording today, but
what was funny is we were on ashort road trip yesterday taking
my sister in love back to theairport and somehow or another
(21:04):
we got to talking about thehorses that I've had and
everything, and Mr Banks came upand it was the same thing hit
me like a ton of bricks.
I started bawling right therein the car Just at the thought
of him and I mean even now likeI can feel it in the back of my
throat.
And it's not like the otheranimals weren't as important or
whatever, but there was justsomething really special about
that.
So, yeah, it's weird how griefcan hit you over different
(21:29):
things, whether it's the loss ofa family member, a spouse, a
time of your life, a certainperiod of your life, you know,
an animal, a pet, a friend, youknow.
And then there's also the angerthat goes all with it, and I
didn't think I would have angerover my mom's death and I
realized, well, my anger isn'tnecessarily my mom or her death.
(21:51):
My anger is that the eventsthat I'm having to deal with,
that surrounded this wholesituation, the things I had to
deal with with family orsituations, that, because of all
that, the anger of it, theanger that I have to deal with
this, and it's just, it gets you, and I definitely know you know
about anger.
It gets you.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
And I definitely know you know about anger.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Who me Chrissy had a little anger episode, but yeah,
so you get what I'm saying.
There's a whole anger that goesalongside with the grief and
that just kind of thejuxtaposition of the two
emotions it's so hard.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I'm wondering if this is a question to ask and maybe
I can be really off, because Iam not at all a counselor or
proposed to be have anybackground in this.
But when you bring up angerit's an interesting thing and it
goes hand in hand, I do believe, with the grieving process.
It's on like the list of thestages of grief.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
DJ Nick, you should look up the stages of grief.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
He's very familiar with it.
It's the first stage, is itreally?
Speaker 2 (22:54):
What's the next one?
You have to please me.
Speaker 3 (22:58):
You mean it's like the commandments, where they all
have designated numbers and itdoesn't have DBA.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Cool Grief.
Number one.
It's only number one.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
He said it's anger.
You usually get angry first,probably, at the fact that the
person left you.
Is that I mean?
Is that where you're connectingthat?
Because what I was going to saywhile you're looking up that
list is when you do experiencethat anger in your grieving
process.
Are you angry at the person whoyou lost, or the time of your
life that is now behind you, theloss of whatever?
(23:33):
Are you angry at the actualperson or event or part of your
life, or are you angry at thepeople who make that experience
more complicated?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
yes, so I'm thinking, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking the
stages of dying, oh, okay sowhich?
Elizabeth kubler-ross did allthat research.
She was the first one to reallyput it, and so denial is the
first one oh, okay and thenanger is is the second stage.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Okay but that's the person who's actually
experiencing that.
But, what are the stages ofgrief?
Is there a list of stages ofgrief to some extent?
Because I think, even thoughthose are the stages of dying,
that the loved one—.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
They actually use them for that.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Interchangeably?
Yeah, I think that the personwho is close to the person
experiencing that— yeah, andthen bargaining is three we
bargain for more time.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
And then depression.
And then there is acceptance.
You know you're finallyaccepting, you know that you're
going to die, or of someone thatyou've lost, or something
you've lost, that you know.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
you finally accept the fact that you know that this
is not something that you cansit around and dwell on and wish
that where you're doing thebargaining and you can sit there
and be angry about it.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah, you have to sort of say I'm sure people
don't go through it.
Mutually exclusive yeah, nowI'm in stage three.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Check that box.
Stage one done.
Check that box.
Speaker 3 (25:01):
Stage two.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
I am now in stage three, but yeah, but the anger
thing.
Speaker 3 (25:06):
I do wonder if it gets displaced on the person
that you've lost, or the time ofthe expectation of what you've
lost is gone.
Is it with that specifically?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
but the anger is there and maybe you just don't
understand where it needs tobasically be directed to Right
and that's displace is a goodone, because that is something
that I've been starting to bemore aware of, because there's
things that I've been angryabout and I definitely know that
I've been scapegoating becauseI'll catch myself maybe snapping
(25:38):
about something or being upsetabout something and then I
realized, oh, that wasn't fair,because I was.
I'm not really mad at thatperson, I'm just mad inside.
And it's just coming out eitherin extremely foul language or,
you know, I might be short inhow I answer somebody in it, and
it's not meant to be short ofthat person, it's just in my
(26:00):
mind.
There's this whole notherRolodex of conversations going
on and that comes out, you knowlike my answer to you.
Know, do you want me to startthe laundry?
Yes, but no.
But it's really not the laundry, it's the internal monologue in
my head of that you've probablybeen battling.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Yes, and nobody you know person that you're around
doesn't hear or see that.
But you're exhausted with itbecause you've been thinking
about it for a very lengthyperiod of time.
100%.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
So, yeah, it's been kind of a little bit of a bummer
of a summer because I've beendealing with all that, but
that's the one thing I'm lookingfor.
I feel like I'm maybe at thelight.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I feel like I'm on the upswing now.
So well, the one thing I have tosay and I probably again given
some credit to my father,remembering what he may have
experienced, and I don't know, Idon't want to knock it up to be
that he was a man and he dealtwith his emotions differently
than, say, my mother or anyoneelse.
And I fail at this a lot inparenting in general, not that I
(27:11):
feel like I'm a failed parent,but I do recognize my flaws and
you do compare yourselfsometimes to your own parents.
Yeah, the one thing that comesup a lot, that we talk about and
my husband does it too we don'tremember our parents letting
things on as much as we do.
Right, like I would not havebeen aware of those type of
(27:35):
emotions from my parents, youknow, with their loss of they've
lost parents, right?
I mean, my father made certainthings known.
He, he was, uh, his parentswere divorced.
So his feelings, you know, he'sdefinitely closer with one of
his parents more than the other.
He, you didn't see that in them.
You're right, I feel badbecause I feel like I should be
(27:57):
better in that way to sort ofbasically protect my daughter
from seeing the messiness of it.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
It is messy.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
And you don't want them to because it does affect
them.
You know I feel guilty about it.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
That's a really good point.
I never thought about thatuntil you were just saying but
you know, my mom's parents werepassed away before I was born,
so I never saw my mom go throughthat.
I mean, I saw what my mom dealtwith, knowing that she lost her
mother at a very young age, butI didn't, you know, I wasn't
there for the process.
You know, and then my dad, mygrandfather, passed away.
(28:32):
I'm not sure if I was born orif I was just really young,
because I don't really have anymemories of him.
So his mother, she passed awaywhen I was in either late high
school or early college.
I remember that at one point,while she was passing, like
while she was in her final days,I must have said something and
my mom said to me you know, yourdad?
(28:54):
It was something like give yourdad a little break.
He's he's losing his mother,and I always remember her saying
that to me and I never thoughtabout like, oh, like my dad's
losing his mom, but I really.
But what you just said, yeah, Inever really thought about like
learning or seeing from them,because I really, out of four, I
only saw one and and I didn'thave a good relationship with
(29:17):
that.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Obviously I was gonna say you were probably thinking,
yeah, finally, I will be freeof any opportunities to have a
second or third degree burns onmy body Right.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Or, you know, getting being forced to drive a car
while she's drunk and I'm 12.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
You know, so I can see how you probably didn't
quite understand what that griefwas about.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
I didn't understand that and I did until you just
said what you were saying.
I didn't make that connection,but yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
So I kind of feel bad that I didn't give really make
you realize or feel that therewas any reason to act
differently.
Yeah, that's true.
So don't think of it as a flawin you.
Maybe give them a little creditfor the fact that they let you
kind of continue to feel the wayyou did.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Yeah that's true.
So, anyways, there's grief.
What's for dinner?
Speaker 3 (30:25):
Grief.
Yay, alrighty, everybody needsto go and get an ice cream
sundae now.
Make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Or maybe some hot dogs and ice cream, and if
you're on a diet, add a hot dogto it.
Speaker 3 (30:38):
Yes, that always made me feel better.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
All right.
Well, hey, please be sure tocheck out our Facebook page and
maybe if you need to share youknow if it'll help you to share
some of your grief, what's fordinner kind of stories please
feel free to share, put on ourFacebook page.
You can email us.
But, yeah, check out our newwebsite,
(31:05):
dysfunctionjunkiespodcastcom.
And also, don't forgetSeptember.
We are supporting Canine forCanine Companions with our
Junkies Care Initiative.
We will be at the Dog Fest inNew Albany, ohio, for Canine
Companions on September 21st atone o'clock and you can learn
all about that on our website.
Yes, please donate.
Yes, donate to that and we willsee you next week.
Bye everybody, Bye-bye.
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