January 15, 2025 • 31 mins
Ever think about the role reversal of caring for aging parents? Tune in as we dive into the chaos, memories, and laughter that come with this new chapter in life!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
DJ Nick (00:07):
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast,
where we may not have seen itall, but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry
Kerry (00:19):
Hello, Dysfunction Junkies.
I'm Kerry and
I'm Chrissy.
Welcome to your safe space.
Chrisy (00:27):
Oh my we have a topic today, chrissy.
Yeah, this one's gonna.
We're gonna try and make it asgood as possible, but it's
dysfunction it's dysfunction,it's a little heavy, but it's
reality.
Kerry (00:36):
Yeah, it's aging parents.
Yeah, yeah and this was, again,one of the big reasons why we
wanted to do this podcast wasbecause we're kind of going
through similar things.
Yes, both of our fathers havepassed away.
Yes, and now we have our momsthat are in their 80s and
getting to the point of lifewhere we are now becoming the
parents and we are taking careof them, and it has its
(00:58):
challenges and, I tell you,humor is the only way that I get
through.
In fact, with my sister whohelps take care of my mom, we do
, we text about things and wetalk about things and we laugh
because we're like we have tolaugh because that's the only
way we can get through it.
Right, how are you hanging inthere?
Chrisy (01:15):
I'm not I'm a horrible parent to an elderly person.
Kerry (01:21):
A horrible parent to an elderly child.
Yes.
Chrisy (01:28):
I'm not always micromanaging it, probably
because I wasn't micromanaged.
Kerry (01:29):
Oh yeah, that's true.
That's true, you had freedom asa child.
Chrisy (01:33):
Yeah, so I just assume, leaving an 80 plus person to
their own devices is completelyacceptable.
Some people may not agree withthat, but I mean, what the hell
am I supposed to do?
She wants to do her own thing,go for it.
But yeah, no, it is.
It's tough, it's not having theother parent.
My father's been gone a littlebit longer than yours, and
(01:56):
nothing prepares you for this.
No, it doesn't.
Kerry (01:59):
And speaking of preparation, I have to ask did
your parents have a will powerof attorney?
Did they have their shit inorder is what I want to know.
Chrisy (02:08):
Well, as far as whatever , my, because my mom was
handling everything when myfather passed so you know,
whatever they had, I guess wasappropriate.
But what about?
Kerry (02:16):
your mom now?
Does she have everything ready?
Chrisy (02:18):
Yeah, she has.
She has, you know, it's sort ofbeen an ongoing project to sort
of build and things havechanged Right.
Other types of things havechanged in our family, so things
had to be.
Kerry (02:30):
It evolves, right, it evolves.
Chrisy (02:32):
But I guess.
Kerry (02:34):
I will say like since, because of the age gap.
So, like you, my sisters are alot older than me.
So from the time I was little,my parents kind of casually had
their paperwork in order.
So like when, when they hadtheir house, they had me on the
deed of the house, because thenthat way I was on it for so long
and, you know, then you avoidother issues with probate and
(02:57):
things like that whenever theyshould pass away.
So some things were in order.
And then my mom always did talkabout, like you know well, first
of all she always said she wasnever going to leave her house.
You're always going to have totake her out on a pinewood box.
That was the only way she wasleaving her house.
But then, as the years startedgoing by and she was more kind
(03:17):
of understanding that, oh, ifsomething happens, it was always
like, well, I would live withyou or I would live with my one
sister that she's currently withright now.
So even though there was fiveof us, she kind of always was
like, well, the two of you wouldbe the ones I would live with,
just because of location.
You know, my other sisters livefarther away.
Lifestyle, you know, it's justdifferent things like that.
So nothing against my othersisters, but it was just like
(03:40):
this would be the mostcompatible, so that was good.
This would be the mostcompatible, so that was good.
And we did have a lot ofconversations about, like the
end of life stuff.
So, like you know, she didn'twant to be on life support and
all of that.
And I will have to say, if youaren't having those
conversations with your parents,if you've never had those
conversation with your parents,please have the conversation,
(04:00):
because it'll make your lifeeasier when you get to the point
of where, like Chrissy and Iare now, if at least you've had
some of those things.
So but right now, my mom, shewas living with us after she had
a medical episode.
She was no longer able to work,no longer able to drive and
really shouldn't have been homealone.
So she lived with me and myhusband for a year.
Then it got to be not safebecause we were still working
(04:22):
full time.
So we had cameras up on thehouse and while we were at work
I like literally had, like, thesurveillance cameras up on my
desk so I could keep an eye onher, make sure she was safe.
But she started doing thingsthat were not safe.
She started wandering,dimension, a little Alzheimer's
setting in, she startedwandering.
We live on a major road, it wasjust not safe.
And she wanted to walk tochurch, oh boy.
And the church was only aquarter mile from our house, but
(04:45):
it's a major road, yeah.
And so she kept saying, well,I'm just going to walk.
And we're like, no, now, mindyou, we took her to church every
day, yeah, 7 am, every morning,every day.
Yes, god, wow.
But she really wanted.
(05:06):
That was her, you know her.
Her safe spot was her safespace.
You know she didn't have apodcast, she had the church.
Everybody needs something.
But she kept wanting to walkthere and we're like no.
And there was a couple of timeslike, literally, she got to the
end of the driveway and likewe're chasing her down.
We're like Mom, where are yougoing?
Oh boy, I'm not going anywhere.
And we're like it's like you'rewalking the church.
No, no, I wasn't.
Yes, she was, so anyway.
(05:28):
So we kept catching her, youknow, going down there.
And then we had a coupleepisodes where, like, she was
pretty good about not cookingduring, you know, she had gotten
to the point where she would,let you know, didn't handle
things in the kitchen.
We had meals on wheels, wouldcome deliver lunch during the
day, so she had a hot lunch andthen, you know, we were there in
the morning for breakfast anddinner and stuff.
But it got to the point whereshe was starting to cook and was
(05:51):
, you know, left the gas on thestove and one point almost
caught her nightgown on fire.
And that was when we're like OK,it's time.
So she now lives with my sister, who's home full time and her
husband's home and they have alot of kids that are in and out,
so it's a safer, safer placefor her.
But, yeah, it's, it's, it'sexhausting taking caring of a of
(06:14):
an older child like that.
Chrisy (06:15):
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
And well, if there's any pieceof advice I can give from my
point of view is that I feltquite a while back after my
father passed away that thehouse that I kind of grew up
pretty much grew up in and wheremy mother was living it was a
lot of house for one person andI just thought she should get
(06:38):
something more appropriate forher early on.
And I was actually pregnantwhen my father was sick and
passed away with my first child.
So I hadn't had kids yet and Ifelt fairly young, although I
was older, having kids, but mymom was younger.
If there's any advice, if youdecide, there's just one of two
(06:58):
things either when it'sappropriate, a year or so after
one of the father or your spouseis away probably good to try
and get them relocated intosomething more comfortable for
themselves, only becauseeverybody is a lot younger and
more manageable.
Or you can leave them thereuntil you take them out in that
pine box, which I really am foronce.
(07:20):
Everybody gets way too old todo all this stuff.
It was just getting to thepoint where my mom did leave her
house not that long ago andinstead of me being in my 30s
and not having any kids orhaving one Right and her being
younger and more manageable todo things.
It happened when I was in myearly 50s.
(07:42):
I have three kids and she ismuch older and mobility isn't
her best friend Right and it'svery stressful yeah.
Kerry (07:51):
It was really hard because you know and I get it
it's their home.
It's their house, you know, andthey don't want to leave
because that's where they'recomfortable.
And as they age, you know,things are changing and that's
why what comforts them is what,the memories that they have and
they it's that muscle memory oftheir house.
You know, like, oh, this iswhere my kitchen, this is where
(08:13):
this is, and then to have to gosomeplace new and learn all over
, like even little things, likegetting out of bed in the middle
of night, where do you go forthe bathroom?
You know, but it is hard andthat was really a hard decision
for my mom to finally sell thehouse and move in with myself
and then, like I said, now, withmy sister.
What was even harder was goingthrough all the stuff.
(08:34):
You know, 80 years of well, 50some years being in one house,
but 80 years of living, and allI have to say is kids, take your
parents and go through thehouse and label the stuff now so
you don't have to argue aboutit or worry about who's taking
what.
And that was probably kind ofone of the hard things.
My sisters and I were prettyamicable about it.
(08:55):
But some of us, other thanothers, were more like look, I
don't want the stuff.
You know, it's just stuff andso in a way that makes it easier
, but still it's a process andit's very draining and that
whole preparing the house tosale, oh so hard.
But now that we're on the otherside of it we're in a good spot,
you know, but it's still.
There's just so many things.
(09:15):
But now we get to enjoy thingslike you know, little things,
like you see how your parentsare, like a child.
So one of the things is the nofilter.
My mom, who was usually prettygood because, remember, we
didn't talk about things, so mymom would never say anything bad
, much less.
You know.
She wouldn't talk aboutanything, but she wouldn't say
anything bad and I never evenknew her to think about anything
bad.
So, for instance, if she sawsomebody who was maybe
(09:37):
overweight or whatever, shewould have never.
She would have just saidnothing or she would have said,
oh, their hair looked lovelytoday, like she would have had a
nice compliment, where now mymom would just say they're fat
wow oh yeah, right out therefilter.
Oh boy so it is like having alittle kid it is just way too
honest yes, yes, and I'll belike mom, you can't say it, mom,
(09:59):
that's not nice, you can't saythat.
And she, she'll be like well,it's true, like wow it still
does.
Chrisy (10:08):
Yeah probably not at that one time.
And then I'm done, you knowwe're not going anywhere
together.
I can't deal with all of that.
Well, you know, my mom has whatI call and she's kind of always
had this.
But as time has gone on andperspectives on what we need to
be as a people has changed andevolved, yeah I say well, mom
(10:30):
still kind of suffers from 1950slingo oh gosh, which is really,
and she's got it.
So she comments on things.
She's definitely prejudging orfalling into stereotypes.
It's, it's, it's.
It's very crazy.
I can tell stories, but I don'tknow, I don't want to offend
(10:53):
everybody so early on in ourpodcast.
But very funny stories, maybewe'll save for another day, oh
yeah.
Kerry (11:01):
Yeah, we'll have.
We'll have lots to talk abouton this subject.
Yeah you know the other thingthat are, you know, in your
parents.
Becoming like a child is likethe medication.
So, first of all, my mom, likealmost her whole life, never
took any medication and she wasproud of it and she should be.
And, honestly, up until she waslike 83, she never had taken
any.
She didn't need any medication,right.
(11:21):
But then she had some medicalepisodes and one thing led to
another and now she's got likesix medications and it was
really hard to get her to takethe medications, but we finally
got into a good schedule and shewas taking them.
Well, now we're reverting andnow she'll be like she don't
want to take them, so she'llwander around the house with the
pills in her hand and we'll belike you're gonna take those.
(11:46):
Oh, I already took them.
It's like, no, they're still inyour hand.
Oh, boy, and it just finallywe're just like, we do the best
we can.
You know, we've talked to herdoctor and he's like you know,
it's quality of life right nowand but it's still.
But it reminds me of trying toget your kid to take the
medications, like can you shovethem in a sandwich?
Can you squish them in a juicy?
Chrisy (12:03):
I can tell you right now , having kids and I have one
specifically that is verydifficult to get to take
medication.
There's just one of two options.
Yeah, You're going to take itthat way, Because that's so.
You've got two choices here.
What's it going to be?
Kerry (12:21):
But now my mom is different though.
Yeah, thank God.
Okay, because I don't want torevert to that no With anybody.
I was going to say I don'tthink that option two will work
either for me.
What?
How's your mom different?
Chrisy (12:31):
Oh, medication time.
Hello, where is?
Kerry (12:34):
it.
Chrisy (12:35):
Oh, she's normalized it oh well, yeah, she and she knows
it too, she's and she.
You better get it to her,because I mean she's staying
with us right now and oh she'll,I hear her moving.
And then I'm like, and then I'mlike, uh-oh, what?
Oh, wait a minute, what time?
And then I hear yelling for mefrom down the steps.
Uh, or she's yelling for myoldest daughter get your mom, I
(12:58):
need my pills.
Where's my pills?
I need it.
Kerry (13:00):
I'm like, oh my god yeah, yeah, see, we went through a
stage where she was taking them,but she would forget, like she
would take them, and then acouple hours later she would
forget that she took them andshe'd think, oh, I have to take
them.
So that we had to start hidingthe medicine.
So, like now, it's nowherewhere she has access to them,
because if she does want to takethem, she could take three
(13:21):
doses, and so yeah, yeah oh well, that, no, that is scary.
Chrisy (13:24):
Yes, I do try to maintain those, as my sister uh
did also when she was, you know,staying there too, and she
doesn't understand why she can't, just because she did this her
whole life.
I can, I can manage this, Ialways managed it right but
there is, and she was a schoolnurse.
Well, yeah, if you want to saythat I don't know what kind of
nurse, that is.
I don't mean to be insulting,but you know there is a very
(13:48):
good chance that you can forgetor drop.
Kerry (13:52):
Oh, that's a big worry too.
When you've got dogs they dropthe pills Dogs and kids.
And yeah, kids too.
Chrisy (14:01):
And my kids are younger, so you just got to watch.
You would hope they would thinknot to, but you don't know,
they might feed it to the dog.
Kerry (14:05):
Or they might think it's candy on the floor.
Chrisy (14:10):
It's just easy to keep everything under lock and key.
But going back to when you weretalking about being difficult
to get rid of a house because ofthe memories and just the
comfort of knowing whereeverything is, that's your place
.
The one thing that I found sobizarre is that once in a while
(14:30):
my mother would come up withthis thing where she said she
couldn't find something in thehouse Like I know and I couldn't
find it, and then she says shefound it somewhere else that she
didn't shears, she didn't right, right, right.
She would tell me that shefeels like her.
My father must have been mad ather, oh, and so he was moving
the stuff.
Oh, because he was trying totell her he was mad oh, about
(14:53):
what I don't know oh.
And so, first of all, if this iswhat the afterlife is, that you
just get to stay in the houseyou lived in, yeah, and you get
to just screw with somebody oh,no, that's terrifying, yeah.
And then sometimes I would tryto counteract it by telling her
well, I had a dream last nightand dad told me to tell you oh,
(15:15):
he didn't move it.
That was good, smart chrissy.
No, it it's horrible, it'slying.
Kerry (15:19):
Yeah, but this is the how did she feel whenever you told
her that.
Chrisy (15:25):
I don't think she believed one bit of it, thank
God, right, but I'm just like,can you tell how ridiculous this
sounds, mom?
Please don't tell me Dad's inthe house and he's just walking
around moving crap just toagitate you, because it's not
anything he would have done whenhe was Right.
Kerry (15:42):
If that wasn't his nature in his living life, then I
could see that.
Chrisy (15:46):
No my dad's nature was he stayed in front of his
television.
Now, if she would have told methat she felt he was still in
his family room laying on thedamn floor watching TV, then I
would be like you know whatthat's possible.
That is possible.
I'm glad you left the TV downthere for him, but moving stuff
around he would have just thrownit away.
(16:06):
You would have never found itagain.
Kerry (16:07):
Well, that's why she can't find it, because maybe he
did throw it away.
Chrisy (16:10):
I wish, I wish he would have threw everything out of
that house away.
Thank you, but yeah, I mean,what are you going to do with
these aging parents?
I know?
Kerry (16:21):
Yeah, and then you get to the point with the what worries
me about all this is okay, whathappens when I get that age?
Like that's what I think about,like who's going to take care
of me at that age?
You know, like I have one son,I have a grandson and a
granddaughter, so like I'mhoping you know, but still, it's
just like, but I definitely amin the mindset of I will make it
(16:44):
easier on them, like I'malready going through our house.
I mean, we live, you know, wehave things, but yeah, I don't
hoard things, so like oh, butwait a minute, there's me.
Chrisy (16:55):
I'm on the other side.
Kerry (16:56):
Yeah, I know, as I said, that I'm like, oh, I probably
just offended Chrissy.
Chrisy (16:59):
No, you didn't, no you didn't, because I know and it
has made my life more.
Now it is a nightmare and Ifeel sometimes like I'm drowning
.
So you've got to weed throughthis stuff, and my husband for
pretty much ever since we'vebeen together.
We've got to get rid of some ofthis stuff.
Kerry (17:19):
You do not need your $6 million man doll anymore,
chrissy, you just don't need it,which I do really have a six
yeah, he doesn't have hisjumpsuit anymore, though I don't
know where it is so he's justgot his naked, his underwear on
his underoos yeah, and I do havemy six million dollar man well,
I know, you have that big wheeltoo.
Chrisy (17:34):
You said the big wheel I got.
I got a lot of the Fisher Pricetoys that I did take, which my
husband gets upset with becausehe says they're all filled with
lead, so it's not like our kidsshould have ever played with
them.
And I was like, well, they'renot allowed to play with that.
Anyhow, that's my toy.
Get them their own toy.
(17:54):
I don't want anybody to playwith my toys.
I did the same when I was a kid.
No, no, no, that's mine.
Kerry (17:58):
Because, even though we grew up with a family, we were
only childs.
Because of the age difference,you didn't have to share no, and
you're still not sharing no, no, no, no, let it be damned.
I'm just not sharing it becauseit's mine.
Chrisy (18:10):
So we are trying, yeah, and we will hopefully get to a
better place, because less isbetter, less is much better.
You have fun with it and thenyou have to realize that none of
the stuff that they make wasmeant to be with you forever,
anyhow.
Kerry (18:26):
Can't take it with you.
Is that saying no you?
Chrisy (18:28):
can't yeah no.
So might as well, get rid of itnow, and then it's one less
thing.
So, yeah, I don't want to dothat to my kids.
Leave them a bunch of stuff ortake care of me.
Going back to what you'resaying, who's going to take care
of you?
You're way ahead of me and Idon't even think about that,
because I guess I'm just goingto have to hope that I get put
(18:49):
somewhere where they're going totake care of me.
I mean, if my kids want to helpme out, fine, but you do try to
tell them and in your mind youtry to tell yourself.
Kerry (19:07):
I am not going to do some of these things, that you see
I'm going crazy, right?
Exactly, that's my point.
Yes, who's to say?
Chrisy (19:10):
sometimes unfortunately, because I'm sure our parents
probably said that about theirparents.
Kerry (19:12):
Yeah, the dysfunction does repeat itself well, one of
my christmas gifts to share topeople is I.
I saw it and it was justhysterical, I had to laugh.
The cover of the it's a littlebook like a notebook and it says
I'm dead.
It's your problem now.
Oh my, where did you, good lordAmazon, come?
Chrisy (19:30):
on Amazon.
Kerry (19:32):
That's my life too and when you open it up, it's
basically like an end of lifeplanner.
So like it makes it reallysimple.
I know I would have to do somuch drinking before I even
opened up the cover of thisthing, but it's good because it
like opens it up and it sayslike you know what is the
password to my computer, orwhatever.
And then or it says like wheredo you keep your wills?
(19:54):
Or where do you keep your?
You know, it's just a quicklittle notebook that if anything
, you at least do that.
If you haven't gone to anattorney and done all the formal
stuff or whatever, which Jimand I have right, but still,
this is kind of a nice, like youknow, at least live, leave your
kids that you know it's a quickreference, yeah, because, like
I have this one friend and, gosh, they're getting it double
(20:16):
whammy.
They live up here in northeastOhio and the parents live down
in cincinnati area, like southof ohio, so it's five hours away
, and their parents are in the80s and both of them just they.
It's not safe to be home alone,it's not safe for them to be
living alone.
The one's very much gotalzheimer's, the other's not too
far.
(20:37):
They're not taking theirmedicine, right, they're not.
I mean, they, just they.
So they're in the process oftrying to like OK, we have to
step in.
And of course the parents arelike, no, I'm fine, we're fine.
It's like, no, you're not fine,you're clearly not fine.
You've been in the hospitalbecause of whatever, you've
fallen because of whatever.
So now, but they have nowhere,they don't know, like, how to
(20:57):
get into nothing, there's noplanning.
And so I just feel for them,because not only they're going
through it with one parent, butthey're going through two, and
then they got the five-hourdistance.
So, yeah, my Christmas presentto those that I love this year
has been the workbook.
I'm Dead at your Problem Now.
Chrisy (21:14):
Yeah, if at least do that.
Yeah, I love you, carrie, and Iknow you love me, but can.
And I know you love me, but canI just request not to get that
book.
Kerry (21:22):
Do you don't want it on next year's?
Chrisy (21:23):
Christmas list?
No, please, oh my God.
So, and now I lost my dad.
I was still in my 30s, but Iwas in my 30s, and you, within
the last five years, your dadpassed away.
Kerry (21:38):
Yeah, yeah, it's been three years.
Three years, okay.
Within the last five years,your dad passed away.
Yeah, yeah, it's been threeyears.
Chrisy (21:41):
Three years, okay, so we've been fortunate to have our
parents as long and we stillhave our moms and even though
you might sit here and you'reaggravated and you're doing all
this stuff with them and theymake you crazy, you have to try
and think that you are fortunate.
Kerry (21:55):
Yes, oh 100%.
Chrisy (21:56):
Well, and not to bring it up, but my husband.
He is something very unusual,but when we first started dating
and everything, he lost both ofhis parents when he was 19.
, 19.
And they passed away withinthree months of each other.
Kerry (22:11):
Oh my God, that's horrible.
Chrisy (22:13):
Right, so, as much as you know, we are dealing with
this and sometimes we don't lookat how lucky we are to have
them as long as we do.
Yeah, and it is, it is ablessing.
Yeah, but uh, there are somedays where sometimes I think he
might be lucky I know what youmean by that and I don't mean
that anything against him or hismom and dad.
Kerry (22:35):
They were lovely, right and you're not wishing anything
against your mom, but it's justI get it.
I guess like oh yeah, there'ssome days.
Chrisy (22:42):
Can you just imagine that you washed your hands of
this a long time ago, right, or?
Yeah, I mean, or maybe they goto you know somewhere sunny.
Kerry (22:50):
Yeah, even that, not even passing away, just maybe going
yeah and living where you'retanning all the time a snow, a
snow slowly cooking yourself todeath down in florida somewhere.
Chrisy (23:00):
That sounds perfect for me.
As far as for you, yeah yeah,no, I absolutely.
Kerry (23:10):
And and that's one thing my my one sister and I talk
about a lot is that.
You know as difficult as it isand as exhausting as some days
are, I, every, I go see my momevery week.
I help, you know, I try to givehelp my sister out, just like
she helped me out when mom waswith me.
I just look at every day likethis is a blessing and this is a
blessing that I'm able to bewith her.
It's a blessing that I'm ableto, you know, do these things
(23:32):
with her, even when sheembarrasses me when she does
certain things in public,because there's lots of stories
of things that she's done.
She had a little incident inchurch not too long ago where
she accidentally stepped on herslip as she was kneeling to
leave and so her slip went downaround her ankles in church and
so I like hurried up and kneltdown behind her and like got her
(23:55):
slip before anyone could notice.
Chrisy (23:57):
But again, look at how much of a lady your mom is.
She's still wearing a slip.
That is fantastic.
Good for her.
Kerry (24:06):
She is a true lady, but she was so embarrassed and I'm
like, thank gosh, it was aftermass and so of course we're in
like pew one.
So whenever she stepped out,everyone else had turned around,
so really nobody saw.
Thank you, jesus, but literallyliterally turned around, so
really nobody saw.
Thank you, jesus.
But uh, literally, literally.
But so we're, we're likewalking out of church and we're
chuckling and stuff.
(24:26):
And then when we get out ofchurch I says, mom, I really
know you like the priest, butyou gotta stop stripping in
church for them she laughed.
You know we laughed, but that'swhat I'm saying is like we have
to find the humor and thingslike.
Instead of going like oh mygosh, you know like we found
the's, what I'm saying is likewe have to find the humor in
things like instead of goinglike oh my gosh, you know, like
we found the humor and wechuckle about it and we joke
about it?
Chrisy (24:46):
who?
Do you slip a 22 to get thatfront seat?
Nobody.
Are you just that grandfatheredin because church logistics is
there's certain people who getup front all the time.
I mean they are closer to godright there.
I think that might be the idea.
I don't know, because I wouldnever.
(25:08):
Yeah, I can't get as far back.
I far, far back to me is maybein the lobby so vestibule yeah
just like sort of putting myhead to the door and listening.
Kerry (25:19):
Oh no, no, she's usually top one, two, three rows In fact
, the one little church that wego to, when she was close to my
house, in one of the pews theyhave a little marker that was in
memory of somebody that alwayssat in that spot.
Oh, that's creepy, oh my gosh.
I've said a lot of times, likewhen we go into that church
(25:40):
because mom will be like this ismy seat, and I'll say to her
I'm like yep, you're gonna bethe next marker, we're gonna get
you one of these plaques, andshe's like, well, yeah, this
neat, this it is, you know, andshe, yeah, she's all for it.
Really have a little placardthat tells you who used to sit
there all the time yes, it'slike an in memory of somebody
that's oh my god, I am horrifiedwow, I really do think that
(26:08):
whenever my mom passes away,that I, I, I think that we're
gonna get a, a marker for her,for that pew because you, you
like, put a picture of themsitting there too, so that
people not only see their name,but then see what it used to
look like when they said Becauseisn't it horrifying if you walk
through a cemetery and I knowthis is a thing they do, but
(26:28):
they have pictures?
Chrisy (26:30):
Yeah, Like when I was young because I lived not as
close to cemeteries as you did,yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, but we
had a very big catholic cemeteryby oh yeah, you did.
Kerry (26:38):
You had a big one like the biggest area.
Chrisy (26:41):
It is the one yeah, in our area where we're from, and a
lot of the older stones hadthose pictures on them and it
was fascinating.
Kerry (26:49):
Were you meaning the ones that were like engraved, like a
picture?
Chrisy (26:53):
you're talking the actual picture picture.
Kerry (26:55):
Yeah, it was actually a picture and some of them were it
.
No, they were, you're talkingthe actual picture picture.
Yeah, it was actually a picture, and some of them were very old
pictures but they were pictures.
Chrisy (27:00):
And the other cool thing was, if it hadn't broken off of
the gravestone was they'd havecovers.
So you kind of have to flip itup to look at the picture and
then flip it down.
I think that might have beenthere to sort of protect it from
weathering damage and stuff.
Yeah, but the pew wow, wow, wowwe might have to elevate that.
(27:21):
I'll have to see I would liketo buy one hopefully should be a
long around time.
So yes, we do I would love tosee, maybe just buying a space,
if you had extra disposableincome and have like one would
would say, like in memory ofFred and in memory of Barney,
like Fred and Barney sat here.
Just to mess with people?
(27:43):
Oh my gosh, that would behilarious to me.
Kerry (27:46):
I think the wax figure, though Just put a whole wax
figure of the person.
Chrisy (27:50):
The 3D print.
Yeah, 3D print.
Kerry (27:52):
There you go.
We could just get a 3D printand there'll be sitting there.
There's Bonnie sitting therethis is getting me too awkward
well, like we said, we have tofind ways to make humor, because
this was a heavy subject today.
Chrisy (28:06):
One more thing before we leave is a very funny thing,
it's with my mom because we havetried to talk about assisted
living and going to certainplaces and, first of all, she
thinks she's too young forassisted living, which is
terrifying, and she is 84 and Ihave taken her places and she
gets very hostile because shesees everybody like one time we
were walking through getting atour of one place and a lady was
(28:27):
coming at us with her walkerand I said this is right, the
moment I lose my mother becauseshe's gonna see this woman
walking at us and my mom is notwalking fantastic either and she
probably could use a walker.
But she refuses and I'm likeit's done and it was.
She totally freaked out.
She's like you want to put methere.
I'm not that old and so I sayto myself where am I going to
(28:49):
put you mom?
And my only concept of where Icould stick her is maybe drop
her off at a big office buildingduring the day, because she
seems to think that 40s and 50year olds are where she should
be hanging.
So maybe I could just set her upin someone's cube and say can
she stay here from eight to fiveand maybe drop her off at home
when you're done?
The other thing is that thequestion my mom always asks if
we do go into any sort ofcommunity type setting, either
(29:11):
of the person who is running theplace, which is totally
embarrassing, or she'll ask me.
She wants to know what thewoman to man ratio is.
No, she wants to know what herchances are.
You know, wow, right, yeah, butthat's the thing, that's where
I'd rather her slip fall down inchurch, because that is just
(29:33):
and you're not saying she'drather slip and fall in church.
Kerry (29:36):
You're saying she wouldn't slip to fall down like
my mom did.
Chrisy (29:40):
Oh, yeah, yeah the slip comes down out of her skirt
because she nailed on it Insteadof asking people that question.
It's like oh my God, so she'slike boy crazy at 84.
Kerry (29:53):
But that's common in these elderly homes.
That's why a lot of things popup in there.
Chrisy (29:58):
They got to deal with.
Kerry (29:58):
They have a lot of STDs.
You need public health to comein there.
I can't imagine.
Chrisy (30:04):
Forget the high school issue.
Kerry (30:06):
They should be doing the sex talk at these places instead
of giving these people someupdated training on behavior
Because they didn't have the sextalk in high school when
they're in the 50s, because youknow we, maybe we need to
terrify them, but although maybesome of them, are thinking
death might be a welcome oh, Iknew you could turn this around.
(30:30):
I tried.
It's a hard subject but I knowso yeah, please everybody.
Chrisy (30:35):
Hopefully this helps.
Kerry (30:36):
Oh it does, yes, and just know we're all going through it
.
You know most of us our age,you know high school people that
we went to are all goingthrough the same thing, so
probably we had to talk about ittoday.
Yeah, and safe space, safespace.
Chrisy (30:50):
So please leave us if you have some great mom and dad
stories.
Kerry (30:53):
Oh yeah, We'd love to hear them.
We'd love to hear them Becausechances are, we've probably
experienced it too, or, if wehaven't, we'll know what's
coming.
Oh yeah, that's even better.
All right, everyone, thanks forlistening today.
Don't forget to leave us thosefive-star ratings, and we'll see
you next week.
Bye-bye, bye you.
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast,
where we may not have seen itall, but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry
Kerry (00:19):
Hello, Dysfunction Junkies.
I'm Kerry and
I'm Chrissy.
Welcome to your safe space.
Chrisy (00:27):
Oh my we have a topic today, chrissy.
Yeah, this one's gonna.
We're gonna try and make it asgood as possible, but it's
dysfunction it's dysfunction,it's a little heavy, but it's
reality.
Kerry (00:36):
Yeah, it's aging parents.
Yeah, yeah and this was, again,one of the big reasons why we
wanted to do this podcast wasbecause we're kind of going
through similar things.
Yes, both of our fathers havepassed away.
Yes, and now we have our momsthat are in their 80s and
getting to the point of lifewhere we are now becoming the
parents and we are taking careof them, and it has its
(00:58):
challenges and, I tell you,humor is the only way that I get
through.
In fact, with my sister whohelps take care of my mom, we do
, we text about things and wetalk about things and we laugh
because we're like we have tolaugh because that's the only
way we can get through it.
Right, how are you hanging inthere?
Chrisy (01:15):
I'm not I'm a horrible parent to an elderly person.
Kerry (01:21):
A horrible parent to an elderly child.
Yes.
Chrisy (01:28):
I'm not always micromanaging it, probably
because I wasn't micromanaged.
Kerry (01:29):
Oh yeah, that's true.
That's true, you had freedom asa child.
Chrisy (01:33):
Yeah, so I just assume, leaving an 80 plus person to
their own devices is completelyacceptable.
Some people may not agree withthat, but I mean, what the hell
am I supposed to do?
She wants to do her own thing,go for it.
But yeah, no, it is.
It's tough, it's not having theother parent.
My father's been gone a littlebit longer than yours, and
(01:56):
nothing prepares you for this.
No, it doesn't.
Kerry (01:59):
And speaking of preparation, I have to ask did
your parents have a will powerof attorney?
Did they have their shit inorder is what I want to know.
Chrisy (02:08):
Well, as far as whatever , my, because my mom was
handling everything when myfather passed so you know,
whatever they had, I guess wasappropriate.
But what about?
Kerry (02:16):
your mom now?
Does she have everything ready?
Chrisy (02:18):
Yeah, she has.
She has, you know, it's sort ofbeen an ongoing project to sort
of build and things havechanged Right.
Other types of things havechanged in our family, so things
had to be.
Kerry (02:30):
It evolves, right, it evolves.
Chrisy (02:32):
But I guess.
Kerry (02:34):
I will say like since, because of the age gap.
So, like you, my sisters are alot older than me.
So from the time I was little,my parents kind of casually had
their paperwork in order.
So like when, when they hadtheir house, they had me on the
deed of the house, because thenthat way I was on it for so long
and, you know, then you avoidother issues with probate and
(02:57):
things like that whenever theyshould pass away.
So some things were in order.
And then my mom always did talkabout, like you know well, first
of all she always said she wasnever going to leave her house.
You're always going to have totake her out on a pinewood box.
That was the only way she wasleaving her house.
But then, as the years startedgoing by and she was more kind
(03:17):
of understanding that, oh, ifsomething happens, it was always
like, well, I would live withyou or I would live with my one
sister that she's currently withright now.
So even though there was fiveof us, she kind of always was
like, well, the two of you wouldbe the ones I would live with,
just because of location.
You know, my other sisters livefarther away.
Lifestyle, you know, it's justdifferent things like that.
So nothing against my othersisters, but it was just like
(03:40):
this would be the mostcompatible, so that was good.
This would be the mostcompatible, so that was good.
And we did have a lot ofconversations about, like the
end of life stuff.
So, like you know, she didn'twant to be on life support and
all of that.
And I will have to say, if youaren't having those
conversations with your parents,if you've never had those
conversation with your parents,please have the conversation,
(04:00):
because it'll make your lifeeasier when you get to the point
of where, like Chrissy and Iare now, if at least you've had
some of those things.
So but right now, my mom, shewas living with us after she had
a medical episode.
She was no longer able to work,no longer able to drive and
really shouldn't have been homealone.
So she lived with me and myhusband for a year.
Then it got to be not safebecause we were still working
(04:22):
full time.
So we had cameras up on thehouse and while we were at work
I like literally had, like, thesurveillance cameras up on my
desk so I could keep an eye onher, make sure she was safe.
But she started doing thingsthat were not safe.
She started wandering,dimension, a little Alzheimer's
setting in, she startedwandering.
We live on a major road, it wasjust not safe.
And she wanted to walk tochurch, oh boy.
And the church was only aquarter mile from our house, but
(04:45):
it's a major road, yeah.
And so she kept saying, well,I'm just going to walk.
And we're like, no, now, mindyou, we took her to church every
day, yeah, 7 am, every morning,every day.
Yes, god, wow.
But she really wanted.
(05:06):
That was her, you know her.
Her safe spot was her safespace.
You know she didn't have apodcast, she had the church.
Everybody needs something.
But she kept wanting to walkthere and we're like no.
And there was a couple of timeslike, literally, she got to the
end of the driveway and likewe're chasing her down.
We're like Mom, where are yougoing?
Oh boy, I'm not going anywhere.
And we're like it's like you'rewalking the church.
No, no, I wasn't.
Yes, she was, so anyway.
(05:28):
So we kept catching her, youknow, going down there.
And then we had a coupleepisodes where, like, she was
pretty good about not cookingduring, you know, she had gotten
to the point where she would,let you know, didn't handle
things in the kitchen.
We had meals on wheels, wouldcome deliver lunch during the
day, so she had a hot lunch andthen, you know, we were there in
the morning for breakfast anddinner and stuff.
But it got to the point whereshe was starting to cook and was
(05:51):
, you know, left the gas on thestove and one point almost
caught her nightgown on fire.
And that was when we're like OK,it's time.
So she now lives with my sister, who's home full time and her
husband's home and they have alot of kids that are in and out,
so it's a safer, safer placefor her.
But, yeah, it's, it's, it'sexhausting taking caring of a of
(06:14):
an older child like that.
Chrisy (06:15):
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
And well, if there's any pieceof advice I can give from my
point of view is that I feltquite a while back after my
father passed away that thehouse that I kind of grew up
pretty much grew up in and wheremy mother was living it was a
lot of house for one person andI just thought she should get
(06:38):
something more appropriate forher early on.
And I was actually pregnantwhen my father was sick and
passed away with my first child.
So I hadn't had kids yet and Ifelt fairly young, although I
was older, having kids, but mymom was younger.
If there's any advice, if youdecide, there's just one of two
(06:58):
things either when it'sappropriate, a year or so after
one of the father or your spouseis away probably good to try
and get them relocated intosomething more comfortable for
themselves, only becauseeverybody is a lot younger and
more manageable.
Or you can leave them thereuntil you take them out in that
pine box, which I really am foronce.
(07:20):
Everybody gets way too old todo all this stuff.
It was just getting to thepoint where my mom did leave her
house not that long ago andinstead of me being in my 30s
and not having any kids orhaving one Right and her being
younger and more manageable todo things.
It happened when I was in myearly 50s.
(07:42):
I have three kids and she ismuch older and mobility isn't
her best friend Right and it'svery stressful yeah.
Kerry (07:51):
It was really hard because you know and I get it
it's their home.
It's their house, you know, andthey don't want to leave
because that's where they'recomfortable.
And as they age, you know,things are changing and that's
why what comforts them is what,the memories that they have and
they it's that muscle memory oftheir house.
You know, like, oh, this iswhere my kitchen, this is where
(08:13):
this is, and then to have to gosomeplace new and learn all over
, like even little things, likegetting out of bed in the middle
of night, where do you go forthe bathroom?
You know, but it is hard andthat was really a hard decision
for my mom to finally sell thehouse and move in with myself
and then, like I said, now, withmy sister.
What was even harder was goingthrough all the stuff.
(08:34):
You know, 80 years of well, 50some years being in one house,
but 80 years of living, and allI have to say is kids, take your
parents and go through thehouse and label the stuff now so
you don't have to argue aboutit or worry about who's taking
what.
And that was probably kind ofone of the hard things.
My sisters and I were prettyamicable about it.
(08:55):
But some of us, other thanothers, were more like look, I
don't want the stuff.
You know, it's just stuff andso in a way that makes it easier
, but still it's a process andit's very draining and that
whole preparing the house tosale, oh so hard.
But now that we're on the otherside of it we're in a good spot,
you know, but it's still.
There's just so many things.
(09:15):
But now we get to enjoy thingslike you know, little things,
like you see how your parentsare, like a child.
So one of the things is the nofilter.
My mom, who was usually prettygood because, remember, we
didn't talk about things, so mymom would never say anything bad
, much less.
You know.
She wouldn't talk aboutanything, but she wouldn't say
anything bad and I never evenknew her to think about anything
bad.
So, for instance, if she sawsomebody who was maybe
(09:37):
overweight or whatever, shewould have never.
She would have just saidnothing or she would have said,
oh, their hair looked lovelytoday, like she would have had a
nice compliment, where now mymom would just say they're fat
wow oh yeah, right out therefilter.
Oh boy so it is like having alittle kid it is just way too
honest yes, yes, and I'll belike mom, you can't say it, mom,
(09:59):
that's not nice, you can't saythat.
And she, she'll be like well,it's true, like wow it still
does.
Chrisy (10:08):
Yeah probably not at that one time.
And then I'm done, you knowwe're not going anywhere
together.
I can't deal with all of that.
Well, you know, my mom has whatI call and she's kind of always
had this.
But as time has gone on andperspectives on what we need to
be as a people has changed andevolved, yeah I say well, mom
(10:30):
still kind of suffers from 1950slingo oh gosh, which is really,
and she's got it.
So she comments on things.
She's definitely prejudging orfalling into stereotypes.
It's, it's, it's.
It's very crazy.
I can tell stories, but I don'tknow, I don't want to offend
(10:53):
everybody so early on in ourpodcast.
But very funny stories, maybewe'll save for another day, oh
yeah.
Kerry (11:01):
Yeah, we'll have.
We'll have lots to talk abouton this subject.
Yeah you know the other thingthat are, you know, in your
parents.
Becoming like a child is likethe medication.
So, first of all, my mom, likealmost her whole life, never
took any medication and she wasproud of it and she should be.
And, honestly, up until she waslike 83, she never had taken
any.
She didn't need any medication,right.
(11:21):
But then she had some medicalepisodes and one thing led to
another and now she's got likesix medications and it was
really hard to get her to takethe medications, but we finally
got into a good schedule and shewas taking them.
Well, now we're reverting andnow she'll be like she don't
want to take them, so she'llwander around the house with the
pills in her hand and we'll belike you're gonna take those.
(11:46):
Oh, I already took them.
It's like, no, they're still inyour hand.
Oh, boy, and it just finallywe're just like, we do the best
we can.
You know, we've talked to herdoctor and he's like you know,
it's quality of life right nowand but it's still.
But it reminds me of trying toget your kid to take the
medications, like can you shovethem in a sandwich?
Can you squish them in a juicy?
Chrisy (12:03):
I can tell you right now , having kids and I have one
specifically that is verydifficult to get to take
medication.
There's just one of two options.
Yeah, You're going to take itthat way, Because that's so.
You've got two choices here.
What's it going to be?
Kerry (12:21):
But now my mom is different though.
Yeah, thank God.
Okay, because I don't want torevert to that no With anybody.
I was going to say I don'tthink that option two will work
either for me.
What?
How's your mom different?
Chrisy (12:31):
Oh, medication time.
Hello, where is?
Kerry (12:34):
it.
Chrisy (12:35):
Oh, she's normalized it oh well, yeah, she and she knows
it too, she's and she.
You better get it to her,because I mean she's staying
with us right now and oh she'll,I hear her moving.
And then I'm like, and then I'mlike, uh-oh, what?
Oh, wait a minute, what time?
And then I hear yelling for mefrom down the steps.
Uh, or she's yelling for myoldest daughter get your mom, I
(12:58):
need my pills.
Where's my pills?
I need it.
Kerry (13:00):
I'm like, oh my god yeah, yeah, see, we went through a
stage where she was taking them,but she would forget, like she
would take them, and then acouple hours later she would
forget that she took them andshe'd think, oh, I have to take
them.
So that we had to start hidingthe medicine.
So, like now, it's nowherewhere she has access to them,
because if she does want to takethem, she could take three
(13:21):
doses, and so yeah, yeah oh well, that, no, that is scary.
Chrisy (13:24):
Yes, I do try to maintain those, as my sister uh
did also when she was, you know,staying there too, and she
doesn't understand why she can't, just because she did this her
whole life.
I can, I can manage this, Ialways managed it right but
there is, and she was a schoolnurse.
Well, yeah, if you want to saythat I don't know what kind of
nurse, that is.
I don't mean to be insulting,but you know there is a very
(13:48):
good chance that you can forgetor drop.
Kerry (13:52):
Oh, that's a big worry too.
When you've got dogs they dropthe pills Dogs and kids.
And yeah, kids too.
Chrisy (14:01):
And my kids are younger, so you just got to watch.
You would hope they would thinknot to, but you don't know,
they might feed it to the dog.
Kerry (14:05):
Or they might think it's candy on the floor.
Chrisy (14:10):
It's just easy to keep everything under lock and key.
But going back to when you weretalking about being difficult
to get rid of a house because ofthe memories and just the
comfort of knowing whereeverything is, that's your place
.
The one thing that I found sobizarre is that once in a while
(14:30):
my mother would come up withthis thing where she said she
couldn't find something in thehouse Like I know and I couldn't
find it, and then she says shefound it somewhere else that she
didn't shears, she didn't right, right, right.
She would tell me that shefeels like her.
My father must have been mad ather, oh, and so he was moving
the stuff.
Oh, because he was trying totell her he was mad oh, about
(14:53):
what I don't know oh.
And so, first of all, if this iswhat the afterlife is, that you
just get to stay in the houseyou lived in, yeah, and you get
to just screw with somebody oh,no, that's terrifying, yeah.
And then sometimes I would tryto counteract it by telling her
well, I had a dream last nightand dad told me to tell you oh,
(15:15):
he didn't move it.
That was good, smart chrissy.
No, it it's horrible, it'slying.
Kerry (15:19):
Yeah, but this is the how did she feel whenever you told
her that.
Chrisy (15:25):
I don't think she believed one bit of it, thank
God, right, but I'm just like,can you tell how ridiculous this
sounds, mom?
Please don't tell me Dad's inthe house and he's just walking
around moving crap just toagitate you, because it's not
anything he would have done whenhe was Right.
Kerry (15:42):
If that wasn't his nature in his living life, then I
could see that.
Chrisy (15:46):
No my dad's nature was he stayed in front of his
television.
Now, if she would have told methat she felt he was still in
his family room laying on thedamn floor watching TV, then I
would be like you know whatthat's possible.
That is possible.
I'm glad you left the TV downthere for him, but moving stuff
around he would have just thrownit away.
(16:06):
You would have never found itagain.
Kerry (16:07):
Well, that's why she can't find it, because maybe he
did throw it away.
Chrisy (16:10):
I wish, I wish he would have threw everything out of
that house away.
Thank you, but yeah, I mean,what are you going to do with
these aging parents?
I know?
Kerry (16:21):
Yeah, and then you get to the point with the what worries
me about all this is okay, whathappens when I get that age?
Like that's what I think about,like who's going to take care
of me at that age?
You know, like I have one son,I have a grandson and a
granddaughter, so like I'mhoping you know, but still, it's
just like, but I definitely amin the mindset of I will make it
(16:44):
easier on them, like I'malready going through our house.
I mean, we live, you know, wehave things, but yeah, I don't
hoard things, so like oh, butwait a minute, there's me.
Chrisy (16:55):
I'm on the other side.
Kerry (16:56):
Yeah, I know, as I said, that I'm like, oh, I probably
just offended Chrissy.
Chrisy (16:59):
No, you didn't, no you didn't, because I know and it
has made my life more.
Now it is a nightmare and Ifeel sometimes like I'm drowning
.
So you've got to weed throughthis stuff, and my husband for
pretty much ever since we'vebeen together.
We've got to get rid of some ofthis stuff.
Kerry (17:19):
You do not need your $6 million man doll anymore,
chrissy, you just don't need it,which I do really have a six
yeah, he doesn't have hisjumpsuit anymore, though I don't
know where it is so he's justgot his naked, his underwear on
his underoos yeah, and I do havemy six million dollar man well,
I know, you have that big wheeltoo.
Chrisy (17:34):
You said the big wheel I got.
I got a lot of the Fisher Pricetoys that I did take, which my
husband gets upset with becausehe says they're all filled with
lead, so it's not like our kidsshould have ever played with
them.
And I was like, well, they'renot allowed to play with that.
Anyhow, that's my toy.
Get them their own toy.
(17:54):
I don't want anybody to playwith my toys.
I did the same when I was a kid.
No, no, no, that's mine.
Kerry (17:58):
Because, even though we grew up with a family, we were
only childs.
Because of the age difference,you didn't have to share no, and
you're still not sharing no, no, no, no, let it be damned.
I'm just not sharing it becauseit's mine.
Chrisy (18:10):
So we are trying, yeah, and we will hopefully get to a
better place, because less isbetter, less is much better.
You have fun with it and thenyou have to realize that none of
the stuff that they make wasmeant to be with you forever,
anyhow.
Kerry (18:26):
Can't take it with you.
Is that saying no you?
Chrisy (18:28):
can't yeah no.
So might as well, get rid of itnow, and then it's one less
thing.
So, yeah, I don't want to dothat to my kids.
Leave them a bunch of stuff ortake care of me.
Going back to what you'resaying, who's going to take care
of you?
You're way ahead of me and Idon't even think about that,
because I guess I'm just goingto have to hope that I get put
(18:49):
somewhere where they're going totake care of me.
I mean, if my kids want to helpme out, fine, but you do try to
tell them and in your mind youtry to tell yourself.
Kerry (19:07):
I am not going to do some of these things, that you see
I'm going crazy, right?
Exactly, that's my point.
Yes, who's to say?
Chrisy (19:10):
sometimes unfortunately, because I'm sure our parents
probably said that about theirparents.
Kerry (19:12):
Yeah, the dysfunction does repeat itself well, one of
my christmas gifts to share topeople is I.
I saw it and it was justhysterical, I had to laugh.
The cover of the it's a littlebook like a notebook and it says
I'm dead.
It's your problem now.
Oh my, where did you, good lordAmazon, come?
Chrisy (19:30):
on Amazon.
Kerry (19:32):
That's my life too and when you open it up, it's
basically like an end of lifeplanner.
So like it makes it reallysimple.
I know I would have to do somuch drinking before I even
opened up the cover of thisthing, but it's good because it
like opens it up and it sayslike you know what is the
password to my computer, orwhatever.
And then or it says like wheredo you keep your wills?
(19:54):
Or where do you keep your?
You know, it's just a quicklittle notebook that if anything
, you at least do that.
If you haven't gone to anattorney and done all the formal
stuff or whatever, which Jimand I have right, but still,
this is kind of a nice, like youknow, at least live, leave your
kids that you know it's a quickreference, yeah, because, like
I have this one friend and, gosh, they're getting it double
(20:16):
whammy.
They live up here in northeastOhio and the parents live down
in cincinnati area, like southof ohio, so it's five hours away
, and their parents are in the80s and both of them just they.
It's not safe to be home alone,it's not safe for them to be
living alone.
The one's very much gotalzheimer's, the other's not too
far.
(20:37):
They're not taking theirmedicine, right, they're not.
I mean, they, just they.
So they're in the process oftrying to like OK, we have to
step in.
And of course the parents arelike, no, I'm fine, we're fine.
It's like, no, you're not fine,you're clearly not fine.
You've been in the hospitalbecause of whatever, you've
fallen because of whatever.
So now, but they have nowhere,they don't know, like, how to
(20:57):
get into nothing, there's noplanning.
And so I just feel for them,because not only they're going
through it with one parent, butthey're going through two, and
then they got the five-hourdistance.
So, yeah, my Christmas presentto those that I love this year
has been the workbook.
I'm Dead at your Problem Now.
Chrisy (21:14):
Yeah, if at least do that.
Yeah, I love you, carrie, and Iknow you love me, but can.
And I know you love me, but canI just request not to get that
book.
Kerry (21:22):
Do you don't want it on next year's?
Chrisy (21:23):
Christmas list?
No, please, oh my God.
So, and now I lost my dad.
I was still in my 30s, but Iwas in my 30s, and you, within
the last five years, your dadpassed away.
Kerry (21:38):
Yeah, yeah, it's been three years.
Three years, okay.
Within the last five years,your dad passed away.
Yeah, yeah, it's been threeyears.
Chrisy (21:41):
Three years, okay, so we've been fortunate to have our
parents as long and we stillhave our moms and even though
you might sit here and you'reaggravated and you're doing all
this stuff with them and theymake you crazy, you have to try
and think that you are fortunate.
Kerry (21:55):
Yes, oh 100%.
Chrisy (21:56):
Well, and not to bring it up, but my husband.
He is something very unusual,but when we first started dating
and everything, he lost both ofhis parents when he was 19.
, 19.
And they passed away withinthree months of each other.
Kerry (22:11):
Oh my God, that's horrible.
Chrisy (22:13):
Right, so, as much as you know, we are dealing with
this and sometimes we don't lookat how lucky we are to have
them as long as we do.
Yeah, and it is, it is ablessing.
Yeah, but uh, there are somedays where sometimes I think he
might be lucky I know what youmean by that and I don't mean
that anything against him or hismom and dad.
Kerry (22:35):
They were lovely, right and you're not wishing anything
against your mom, but it's justI get it.
I guess like oh yeah, there'ssome days.
Chrisy (22:42):
Can you just imagine that you washed your hands of
this a long time ago, right, or?
Yeah, I mean, or maybe they goto you know somewhere sunny.
Kerry (22:50):
Yeah, even that, not even passing away, just maybe going
yeah and living where you'retanning all the time a snow, a
snow slowly cooking yourself todeath down in florida somewhere.
Chrisy (23:00):
That sounds perfect for me.
As far as for you, yeah yeah,no, I absolutely.
Kerry (23:10):
And and that's one thing my my one sister and I talk
about a lot is that.
You know as difficult as it isand as exhausting as some days
are, I, every, I go see my momevery week.
I help, you know, I try to givehelp my sister out, just like
she helped me out when mom waswith me.
I just look at every day likethis is a blessing and this is a
blessing that I'm able to bewith her.
It's a blessing that I'm ableto, you know, do these things
(23:32):
with her, even when sheembarrasses me when she does
certain things in public,because there's lots of stories
of things that she's done.
She had a little incident inchurch not too long ago where
she accidentally stepped on herslip as she was kneeling to
leave and so her slip went downaround her ankles in church and
so I like hurried up and kneltdown behind her and like got her
(23:55):
slip before anyone could notice.
Chrisy (23:57):
But again, look at how much of a lady your mom is.
She's still wearing a slip.
That is fantastic.
Good for her.
Kerry (24:06):
She is a true lady, but she was so embarrassed and I'm
like, thank gosh, it was aftermass and so of course we're in
like pew one.
So whenever she stepped out,everyone else had turned around,
so really nobody saw.
Thank you, jesus, but literallyliterally turned around, so
really nobody saw.
Thank you, jesus.
But uh, literally, literally.
But so we're, we're likewalking out of church and we're
chuckling and stuff.
(24:26):
And then when we get out ofchurch I says, mom, I really
know you like the priest, butyou gotta stop stripping in
church for them she laughed.
You know we laughed, but that'swhat I'm saying is like we have
to find the humor and thingslike.
Instead of going like oh mygosh, you know like we found
the's, what I'm saying is likewe have to find the humor in
things like instead of goinglike oh my gosh, you know, like
we found the humor and wechuckle about it and we joke
about it?
Chrisy (24:46):
who?
Do you slip a 22 to get thatfront seat?
Nobody.
Are you just that grandfatheredin because church logistics is
there's certain people who getup front all the time.
I mean they are closer to godright there.
I think that might be the idea.
I don't know, because I wouldnever.
(25:08):
Yeah, I can't get as far back.
I far, far back to me is maybein the lobby so vestibule yeah
just like sort of putting myhead to the door and listening.
Kerry (25:19):
Oh no, no, she's usually top one, two, three rows In fact
, the one little church that wego to, when she was close to my
house, in one of the pews theyhave a little marker that was in
memory of somebody that alwayssat in that spot.
Oh, that's creepy, oh my gosh.
I've said a lot of times, likewhen we go into that church
(25:40):
because mom will be like this ismy seat, and I'll say to her
I'm like yep, you're gonna bethe next marker, we're gonna get
you one of these plaques, andshe's like, well, yeah, this
neat, this it is, you know, andshe, yeah, she's all for it.
Really have a little placardthat tells you who used to sit
there all the time yes, it'slike an in memory of somebody
that's oh my god, I am horrifiedwow, I really do think that
(26:08):
whenever my mom passes away,that I, I, I think that we're
gonna get a, a marker for her,for that pew because you, you
like, put a picture of themsitting there too, so that
people not only see their name,but then see what it used to
look like when they said Becauseisn't it horrifying if you walk
through a cemetery and I knowthis is a thing they do, but
(26:28):
they have pictures?
Chrisy (26:30):
Yeah, Like when I was young because I lived not as
close to cemeteries as you did,yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, but we
had a very big catholic cemeteryby oh yeah, you did.
Kerry (26:38):
You had a big one like the biggest area.
Chrisy (26:41):
It is the one yeah, in our area where we're from, and a
lot of the older stones hadthose pictures on them and it
was fascinating.
Kerry (26:49):
Were you meaning the ones that were like engraved, like a
picture?
Chrisy (26:53):
you're talking the actual picture picture.
Kerry (26:55):
Yeah, it was actually a picture and some of them were it
.
No, they were, you're talkingthe actual picture picture.
Yeah, it was actually a picture, and some of them were very old
pictures but they were pictures.
Chrisy (27:00):
And the other cool thing was, if it hadn't broken off of
the gravestone was they'd havecovers.
So you kind of have to flip itup to look at the picture and
then flip it down.
I think that might have beenthere to sort of protect it from
weathering damage and stuff.
Yeah, but the pew wow, wow, wowwe might have to elevate that.
(27:21):
I'll have to see I would liketo buy one hopefully should be a
long around time.
So yes, we do I would love tosee, maybe just buying a space,
if you had extra disposableincome and have like one would
would say, like in memory ofFred and in memory of Barney,
like Fred and Barney sat here.
Just to mess with people?
(27:43):
Oh my gosh, that would behilarious to me.
Kerry (27:46):
I think the wax figure, though Just put a whole wax
figure of the person.
Chrisy (27:50):
The 3D print.
Yeah, 3D print.
Kerry (27:52):
There you go.
We could just get a 3D printand there'll be sitting there.
There's Bonnie sitting therethis is getting me too awkward
well, like we said, we have tofind ways to make humor, because
this was a heavy subject today.
Chrisy (28:06):
One more thing before we leave is a very funny thing,
it's with my mom because we havetried to talk about assisted
living and going to certainplaces and, first of all, she
thinks she's too young forassisted living, which is
terrifying, and she is 84 and Ihave taken her places and she
gets very hostile because shesees everybody like one time we
were walking through getting atour of one place and a lady was
(28:27):
coming at us with her walkerand I said this is right, the
moment I lose my mother becauseshe's gonna see this woman
walking at us and my mom is notwalking fantastic either and she
probably could use a walker.
But she refuses and I'm likeit's done and it was.
She totally freaked out.
She's like you want to put methere.
I'm not that old and so I sayto myself where am I going to
(28:49):
put you mom?
And my only concept of where Icould stick her is maybe drop
her off at a big office buildingduring the day, because she
seems to think that 40s and 50year olds are where she should
be hanging.
So maybe I could just set her upin someone's cube and say can
she stay here from eight to fiveand maybe drop her off at home
when you're done?
The other thing is that thequestion my mom always asks if
we do go into any sort ofcommunity type setting, either
(29:11):
of the person who is running theplace, which is totally
embarrassing, or she'll ask me.
She wants to know what thewoman to man ratio is.
No, she wants to know what herchances are.
You know, wow, right, yeah, butthat's the thing, that's where
I'd rather her slip fall down inchurch, because that is just
(29:33):
and you're not saying she'drather slip and fall in church.
Kerry (29:36):
You're saying she wouldn't slip to fall down like
my mom did.
Chrisy (29:40):
Oh, yeah, yeah the slip comes down out of her skirt
because she nailed on it Insteadof asking people that question.
It's like oh my God, so she'slike boy crazy at 84.
Kerry (29:53):
But that's common in these elderly homes.
That's why a lot of things popup in there.
Chrisy (29:58):
They got to deal with.
Kerry (29:58):
They have a lot of STDs.
You need public health to comein there.
I can't imagine.
Chrisy (30:04):
Forget the high school issue.
Kerry (30:06):
They should be doing the sex talk at these places instead
of giving these people someupdated training on behavior
Because they didn't have the sextalk in high school when
they're in the 50s, because youknow we, maybe we need to
terrify them, but although maybesome of them, are thinking
death might be a welcome oh, Iknew you could turn this around.
(30:30):
I tried.
It's a hard subject but I knowso yeah, please everybody.
Chrisy (30:35):
Hopefully this helps.
Kerry (30:36):
Oh it does, yes, and just know we're all going through it
.
You know most of us our age,you know high school people that
we went to are all goingthrough the same thing, so
probably we had to talk about ittoday.
Yeah, and safe space, safespace.
Chrisy (30:50):
So please leave us if you have some great mom and dad
stories.
Kerry (30:53):
Oh yeah, We'd love to hear them.
We'd love to hear them Becausechances are, we've probably
experienced it too, or, if wehaven't, we'll know what's
coming.
Oh yeah, that's even better.
All right, everyone, thanks forlistening today.
Don't forget to leave us thosefive-star ratings, and we'll see
you next week.
Bye-bye, bye you.
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