August 13, 2025 • 23 mins
The way we age reveals our true character in ways we rarely consider until faced with our own mortality or witnessing the final chapters of those we love. Kerry and Chrissy dive into a profoundly human conversation about the stark difference between facing our advancing years with dignity versus resentment. What makes this conversation so powerful is the revelation that how we approach aging doesn't just affect us—it profoundly shapes how our loved ones will remember our entire lives. A parent who faces death with grace can actually strengthen positive memories and heal past wounds, while bitterness in final years risks overshadowing decades of good relationships.
Whether you're witnessing parents age, caring for elderly loved ones, or contemplating your own approach to life's final chapters, this episode offers profound insight into one of life's most universal yet rarely discussed challenges. How will you choose to age? And what final impression will you leave with those who love you most?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
DJ Nick (00:07):
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrissy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:22):
Welcome back, junkies.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:23):
and I'm Chrisy.
Kerry (00:23):
That was a good intro, Nick.
DJ Nick (00:24):
Thank you
Kerry (00:29):
I liked it Anyways.
So today's episode I knowlately we've talked a lot about
birthdays and things, so we kindof morphed into our episode.
Today we're going to talk aboutaging with grace.
Yes, Chrisy came up with thisidea and of all days, this is an
excellent day for this podcastto air, because today is jim's
(00:53):
birthday, birthday birthday.
So, farm boy jim, my husband,this is his birthday.
Today he turns the big six zerooh wow, it's a big it's a big
one.
So, happy birthday.
My love, uh love of my life, uh, keeper of my heart, uh
(01:16):
everything I know.
So this one's for you, babe.
Yes, age with grace, please.
Yes, I demand this.
Chrisy (01:27):
So Chrissy go.
I recently heard a physicianmention this just in talking in
general about patients, olderpatients, and it stuck with me
for some reason because I neverreally thought of it.
But then when I startedthinking about it, I realized
there are definitely two types.
Kerry (01:50):
Did the physician use this phrase aging with grace?
Chrisy (01:52):
Yes, oh okay, well, I think they were commenting on
that.
They have some patients who arenot.
Kerry (01:59):
Oh, okay.
Chrisy (02:00):
And the physician came off to me.
It really wasn't anything wetouched on at length.
My interpretation of the reasonto say this was because I think
it's part of being a doctorwith maybe a certain age group
of patients that becomes alittle bit of a frustrating part
(02:21):
of their career.
Oh wow, and not something thatyou can easily.
I mean, doctors are aboutdiagnosing and trying to offer
solutions to health problems.
Kerry (02:30):
Right.
Chrisy (02:31):
And this is something that is definitely, I think, how
a person mentally feels orthinks they need to approach the
process of aging, and there'sdefinitely people who and I just
thought it was a very poignant,very spot on moment of somebody
saying something that justreally stuck with me Wow, aging
(02:52):
with grace.
Kerry (02:53):
I think my mom aged with grace, I do, she really really
did.
Like I've said.
She taught us how to live.
She also taught us how to die,but she aged, I think, very
gracefully.
Chrisy (03:04):
Yes.
Kerry (03:05):
She is, I think was the standard.
Chrisy (03:07):
Yeah, I would agree with that.
Yeah.
Kerry (03:11):
So what does that mean, I guess, when we talk about aging
with grace?
Chrisy (03:15):
Well, that's hard because I mean we're all in the
same boat here Yep.
We're all going to age.
We're all going to hit theseother milestones that aren't as
great the second half of ourlives that they were the first
half and it takes a specialplace in your mind, in the way
(03:36):
you look at things, to be ableto say I'm going to do this
gracefully and without burdeningmyself or others with the
stress of this.
Kerry (03:50):
Yeah, I mean because you can't do anything about it.
Chrisy (03:52):
It's going to happen, no , and I think that it's a test
for all of us, because youreally have to change your
perspective on things.
Kerry (04:02):
Yes.
Chrisy (04:03):
And it's a new learning experience and I think that it
really has a lot to do withbeing a little bit less selfish
as you get older.
Kerry (04:12):
That is so insightful.
Chrisy (04:14):
You don't only.
You know, when you're youngerand I know I probably was more
than anybody else then, I admitit, I was very selfish.
You're're thinking of yourself.
How is this going to make mefeel better?
I you want, you want to feelgood, you want to have great
outcomes, you want people to payattention to you.
And then you know you in your30s and 40s I think in general a
(04:38):
lot of people because you'vehad children, yeah, and you have
to really give a big part ofyourself up with that.
Kerry (04:44):
You start realizing it's not all about you.
Chrisy (04:46):
No, not, and it's not.
Yeah, I mean and so.
Kerry (04:49):
So then, when you get to this latter half, people either
seem to go one way or another.
They revert back to it's aboutme again.
Chrisy (04:57):
Yeah.
Kerry (04:57):
Or they are like continuing that it's less about
me, yes, and less about me isaging gracefully and more about
me as aging grumpy old person.
Right, so no one wants to bearound Right, yes, and I think
that becomes the bane of ourexistence.
Chrisy (05:14):
I just think that you're correct.
I think, that there are somepeople who are at this point who
become very selfish again, yeah, and don't really think about.
Kerry (05:25):
How it affects others.
How it's going to affect others, you know, and it may not even
be.
It's not that they're notthinking about it.
They just don't care how itaffects others.
Chrisy (05:34):
Well, yeah, I think, because they're just like you
know I'm.
This is me, and I'm the onefacing this.
You're not.
You're standing on thesidelines watching me have to do
this, Right?
So don't tell me what you thinkI should do to make things
better.
Kerry (05:48):
Right.
Chrisy (05:49):
You know, they really don't want.
Kerry (05:51):
I remember my dad would say things like and I think we
talked a little bit about thisbefore like with whenever he was
using the you know salinesolution as his salt because he
wasn't supposed to have.
Oh my.
Yes, I remember this he wassupposed to have salt in his
diet.
So they took all the salt outof the hospital room.
So he found the saline bottleand was putting that on his
(06:11):
lettuce or whatever sandwich orwhatever to try to get salt.
Chrisy (06:14):
I have to say that's very resourceful.
Kerry (06:16):
It was creative.
But I remember he got so madand he was like I'm so and so
years old and I'm so and so, andyou're not going to tell me
what to do and this is how I'mgoing to do it and I've earned
this at my age and that was kindof like where entitlement, yeah
, and just.
It was kind of that like Idon't care what you think, you
(06:38):
know I'm, you know where.
My mom would have never she,she would have never done that
Like she was, just so she wastaking every chapter of her life
for what it was and enjoyingwhat she was doing in that part
of her life.
And yes, it's hard when thingsare ending, but you find you
still find joy and you stillfind the value of what the new
(07:01):
is.
Chrisy (07:02):
And that is hard.
Kerry (07:03):
That is hard especially as you're aging and you're
losing things you know losingindependence, or you're losing
mobility, or you're losing youryouthfulness or whatever.
And I think that's kind ofwhere Jim and I see each other
right now a little bit, is we'rerealizing that we're getting
into that next level of what wecan and cannot do and that it's
a hard adjustment sometimes, youknow, because you want to hang
(07:24):
on to those good times andwhatever.
But you just got to realizethere's there's still good times
to come, it's just different.
Chrisy (07:30):
Yeah, it's, it's adjusting.
You're right, there are stillthings to look forward to.
Yes, and just thinking aboutpeople who are our age or older
facing all of this kind of stuff, their perspective on what that
picture is, yeah, I, generallyand I'm just saying generally, I
, from what I've experienced,people who are generally, I
(07:52):
think, having some trouble aginggracefully are ones that can't
seem to get out of the past.
They're remembering too much ofwhat they were able to do,
which we all do.
Yeah, I'm not faulting you.
I mean, of course we rememberwhen we were younger and we were
able to do which we all do.
I'm not faulting you.
I mean, of course we rememberwhen we were younger and we were
able to do this, and we wereable to eat this with no problem
, and you know, we could, youknow, do this kind of stuff with
our, you know, stretch this waywith our body and didn't wake
(08:14):
up, you know, feeling awful orhurting our neck just by
sneezing, you know, or whatever.
So it's easy to remember,because it's not that long ago,
when you think of the grandscheme of our length of our life
.
None of this stuff seems thatfar out of reach and I have seen
people and I mean I can thinkof people, not naming anyone,
(08:37):
but there are people from justmy whole life growing up.
I could definitely put peoplein one or the other list of that
line, if you were puttingcategories or you're making a
list who aged gracefully, whodid not, and it's almost like
are you an Elvis or a Beatlesfan?
Are you a this or you?
(08:58):
A that there are people.
Kerry (09:00):
There's not much in the middle.
No, you tend to be one or theother.
Chrisy (09:04):
there's very little gray and I would like to say that
I'm going to be a graceful ager,but I'm sure there's going to
be times that I'm going to be anot graceful ager.
So I hope that I can keep thatfeeling with me, because I
really want to be the other way.
(09:26):
I think.
Holding dignity, having someclass, you know, if you pride
yourself on that it's important,it's important.
Kerry (09:36):
Yeah, I think right now for me I mean, I generally do
try to find the positive and Igenerally do have hope and I
generally do look forward tothings I do tend to think more
about that something is possiblerather than impossible.
But where I struggle with iswhen I'm around those that are
(09:59):
not that way and it brings medown and I have a hard time
holding on to that.
I find myself right now I'm atthat age where, okay, I've
created healthy boundaries, Ican stand up for myself and I
don't want that to come acrossas not being aging gracefully.
So sometimes I maybe lack in myprojection at how it comes out,
(10:20):
but I do think that overall Ido look forward to every stage,
but there is a period ofmourning for what's gone.
Chrisy (10:28):
Oh, absolutely.
Kerry (10:29):
And it's natural.
Chrisy (10:31):
Yeah, I think you know I'm thinking about your, one of
your new tattoos.
Okay, it's not the most recentbut it's the second, second most
recent yes, which had a lot ofyou can say it, I am happy.
Yep, I'm happy, and this wassomething very beautiful, but
(10:51):
with tinge of sadness.
Yeah.
Kerry (10:54):
But that you said One of my mom's final words or phrases,
that things that she said, thatwasn't just an answering.
You know, can I get yousomething?
Wasn't yes, no, was it?
This was her thought and sheshared it.
I unfortunately didn't get tohear it firsthand, but she told
my sister that helped take careof my mom.
She told her and she was happyand that really it did stick
with me.
Chrisy (11:14):
And what a gift to give to your family.
Yeah, when you have to knowthat, you know when they're gone
, it helps with, I think, a lotof closure.
I mean, I don't want to speakfor you, no, it does.
I'm just thinking.
Kerry (11:32):
And for me this.
I'm so glad you brought that up.
I didn't even think about thatwhen we were talking about this
episode today.
I have it on my wrist and itwas funny when the tattoo artist
wanted to put it on.
He wanted to put it, so it wasfacing the other way and I'm
like, no, I want it facing.
So when I'm looking at my arm Ican read it, you know, and
because it is for me right, youknow, I have found over these
last two months that when I'mhaving a difficult day going
(11:53):
through this grief process of mymom and things that are going
on in my life right now andchanges and struggles that I do
look at that and I find likethat's my hope because, like I
said, I need hope.
Yes, we do so.
It does mean a lot.
It does this.
That was a great reminder.
Good job, chrissy.
Chrisy (12:14):
No, you're welcome well you can see the impact it has on
and I you know she wasn't mymom yeah you're very important,
me and she was a world for you.
Kerry (12:23):
Yeah.
Chrisy (12:24):
And so it impacted me, to just the understanding of
what she was able to do Giveyour family, I mean and maybe
not that you wouldn't recognizethis, but just being sort of the
outsider and not so emotionallyconnected with the situation, I
can see what that was truly agift.
Kerry (12:44):
It was a gift.
Chrisy (12:45):
Whether you can't ever say it was this her intention or
not, but she had it in her tobe graceful.
Yeah, and to leave that kind ofimpact with you is wonderful.
I feel like my father when hepassed.
It was so fast.
Kerry (13:00):
Right.
Chrisy (13:01):
And just sort of came out of nowhere.
Yeah, my dad wasn't even 70when he passed away.
You know we got hit with itquick and hard.
Yes, and because we never saw,you know, cancer Right as what
was going to take dad down, wethought it would be some.
You know he struggled with highblood pressure.
Kerry (13:21):
Right, he was diabetic Heart issue.
Yeah down, we thought it wouldbe.
Chrisy (13:23):
As some you know, he struggled with high blood
pressure, right, yes, so thiswas just like oh you know, oh my
you know, and uh, there's just,we watch somebody get diagnosed
with that in that way where, bythe and with his, they found it
, unfortunately, and just thetype of cancer it was and the
way the tumor was.
Yeah, he could not negotiateout of that.
(13:44):
There was not.
They could try and help, theycall it.
I guess there was sometreatments they could try to do
and we did pursue that.
Kerry (13:53):
But it was just delaying the inevitable.
Chrisy (13:55):
I think, I think, and so the one thing that was left
with me, though, from him,whether it was his intention or
not, and I think, I don't thinkwhen people are in that process,
they really have any intentionsanymore.
Now they're just really at apoint where they're, I can't
even imagine.
It's something we're all goingto face.
So I'm not trying to candy coatit, but who knows how we're all
(14:19):
going to perceive how ourparents and what they leave for
us?
at that time.
But I do feel he left withdignity and he gave.
I admire him.
It was not easy to face that,and yet I never heard my father
sound like he felt bad forhimself, right.
Kerry (14:39):
I'm sure he had anger.
Chrisy (14:40):
Yeah, because that's natural Right.
I think he really tried to keephis sense of humor all the way
to the end.
Kerry (14:46):
And there again it's a matter of that our parents.
You know everything that theyteach us from beginning to end.
You know, and I think thatalmost it really shows who they
innately are, not that peoplethat don't age gracefully aren't
innately good, but it alsoshows, if they don't age
gracefully, what traumas didthey go through in life that got
(15:06):
them to that point?
You know what dysfunctions intheir life got them to that
point.
But I think, as an adult, whenyou see both sides, when you see
the person that ages gracefullyand you see the person that
does not, you have to thinkabout, well, how do I want my
children to see me?
Because?
Do you experience that rippleeffect?
(15:27):
You know, when you have theparent that ages gracefully or a
family member that agesgracefully, and you can enjoy
that process for as much as youcan enjoy losing somebody, but
to have those good memories, tohave that, to see them do it
with such dignity and grace, butthen you see the other side and
(15:49):
how much not only it takes fromthat person but it takes from
the family and the caregiver andeverybody around them, and how
much it makes you struggle as aperson to deal with that.
You know that's.
It really gives you stuff tothink about.
Well, how, how, when I age.
This is important because I'mdoing this to my kid, I'm doing
(16:12):
this to my family, I'm doingthis to my sisters, my siblings,
my best friend, right yourscribbling notes.
What did I say that provokedyou?
Chrisy (16:20):
Well, you do.
You do because you bring upreally good points, two things,
and I am not a professional inthis area at all.
We're strictly with thisepisode, going off of personal
experience.
But I wonder, if I have twopoints, what in my thoughts?
I wonder if people whogenerally aren't as graceful
with the aging process, if theyare generally people who feel
(16:43):
like for a lot of their life,whether it's based in fact or
not, we're cheated right out ofthings, possessions, physical
things, physical or abilities,abilities or love, from whatever
, or respect, and they reallyfeel like, you know, they just
weren't given, yeah, and sotherefore, they're really that
(17:07):
sort of selfish.
Whether it's, you know, correctfeeling or not, it just sort of
amplifies as you get older.
Yeah, because you know well, Ididn't get this and I, you know,
and you're telling me now Inever will, you know or I never
did this and I'll never can.
And the other thing too is tojust sort of maybe think of.
(17:28):
This is I think, when you don'tage gracefully, especially for
your children, it totallydistorts your child's memory of
you Because it's a negative andit's a strong feeling and it's a
draining process and itbasically clouds your past with
(17:54):
that person really bad, but withaging gracefully and going
through the process of your lifecoming to an end for your child
, I think if you can do it in away that's dignified and it's a
hard thing to do and I'm notgoing to promise you this is
(18:14):
going to be me at all but Ithink it definitely helps, maybe
amplify the way you lived oh,100%.
And so I think it's a loteasier to remember a parent or a
loved one with all the good yes, because you in as bad as my
father's, you know passing wasand how it was hard to lose him
and see him go through that.
(18:35):
It really didn't take away anyof my fond memories of him.
Kerry (18:38):
No, it made your fond memories fonder.
Chrisy (18:41):
Well, it kind of made me of him.
Kerry (18:45):
No, it made your fond memories fonder.
Well, it kind of made me.
Yeah, I know it, chrissy, it'semotional, I hear you it's okay.
Chrisy (18:52):
It made me realize, because I don't want to be
crying.
Kerry (18:55):
You can be crying because this is our safe space and
we're both vulnerable today.
Chrisy (18:59):
I can't let anybody think I'm a big baby.
You're not a baby.
So what it helped me do wasrealize how much he loved me for
real.
It solidified that, yeah, and Idon't know that I always felt
that Right Because you knowgrowing up it was, you know it
wasn't always fun and gamesRight and but it really it
(19:21):
actually helped make all of thatbetter, yeah, or less traumatic
.
Kerry (19:27):
Yes.
Chrisy (19:27):
Or dysfunctional.
Kerry (19:28):
Yeah, I don't want to promote less dysfunction, right
when we focus on that, ondysfunction but no, I know what
you mean exactly, because youknow, obviously my relationship
with my dad had a lot ofchallenges.
I do have some good memories andI've always said I've kind of
compartmentalize those and putthem in a safe space.
And I had to do that for thatexact reason I had to protect
(19:50):
those good memories because Ididn't want them tainted by
everything else.
And I'm so glad I was able todo that.
And I know that's hard for somepeople to do and I think,
unfortunately, being a childthat grew up with abuse and
trauma, that is how I learned tosurvive and so I was able to
keep some of those really goodmemories and that's what I fall
(20:11):
back on.
And I, like you with your dad,I did finally have a moment,
right before my dad passed,where we were able to talk
openly and you know I had that.
We had that forgiveness Onehundred percent, was able to
keep those memories and so,although I still have bad
memories, I can still look andsay, but I, but there's these
good ones, these fond memories.
Chrisy (20:33):
So, well, I think what has done for me is the fact that
I really have to sort of searchfor anything bad, and as I've
gotten older and rememberinglosing him too, it makes me sort
of it kind of helps, yeah.
It sort of cushioned anythingthat was bad, yeah, and made me
(20:54):
maybe see a little bit of thehumor in it.
Yes, and I didn't have thelevel of problems that you did
Everyone's story's different.
Yeah, but I mean, if he wouldhave been differently.
Kerry (21:05):
Yeah.
Chrisy (21:06):
Towards the end.
I think it would have amplifiedall the bad.
I understand that, yeah, but Ithink, because of where he was
in his mind, that he was able tobe gracious and vulnerable and
just very, I mean I can't say,you know, really thinking of
others.
It seemed to me, anyhow, hewasn't just, you know, sitting
(21:29):
there sulking, why me, why me,why did?
Kerry (21:31):
this happen to me.
Chrisy (21:32):
Yeah, it just it made me remember a lot of good.
Yeah, your dad showed you howto die.
Kerry (21:38):
Yeah, and.
Chrisy (21:39):
I told and, as you said, about your mother yeah living
and living and dying.
Kerry (21:43):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I'm glad you had a goodexperience on that end, as good
as you can, exactly.
Chrisy (21:49):
It's never good when you lose them no but and you do
wonder when you lose them.
Young like that too, yes,although I'm not that young, my
husband lost his parents wayyounger so there's a lot of mild
, not that young.
My husband lost his parents wayyounger.
So there's a lot of mild thingsthat he could have experienced
with his parents.
He didn't get a chance to that.
I did, so I'm very lucky, yeah.
(22:10):
But you know, yeah, I meanyou're thankful for them and you
know what they gave you.
Kerry (22:16):
Yeah.
So part of all this too, withaging with grace, is preparing.
So we've talked about this onother episodes, about as you're
aging, you need to be prepared.
You're not dumping all of thison your kids or your family or
whatever.
And so not only are youpreparing how you will handle
this as a person, how you handlethis emotionally, but also the
(22:38):
physical stuff, the financialstuff.
Yeah, I just kind of want totake that in their consideration
.
But, yeah, this was a littleheavy, but it was good.
It's good to see both of usvulnerable especially.
Yeah, I'm vulnerable, everyone,we all are.
So this is something that a lotof people our age are dealing
with is aging, whether it'sourselves or our parents or, you
(23:00):
know, we're caretakers forsomebody.
So, yeah, it's okay to bevulnerable, yeah.
Chrisy (23:04):
I guess, All right.
Kerry (23:06):
Well, we're going to wrap that up and, yeah, I think we
got a flashback Friday episodecoming up.
We'll look forward to hearingor talking to you all soon.
Chrisy (23:15):
Thank you Bye bye, bye.
Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrissy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:22):
Welcome back, junkies.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:23):
and I'm Chrisy.
Kerry (00:23):
That was a good intro, Nick.
DJ Nick (00:24):
Thank you
Kerry (00:29):
I liked it Anyways.
So today's episode I knowlately we've talked a lot about
birthdays and things, so we kindof morphed into our episode.
Today we're going to talk aboutaging with grace.
Yes, Chrisy came up with thisidea and of all days, this is an
excellent day for this podcastto air, because today is jim's
(00:53):
birthday, birthday birthday.
So, farm boy jim, my husband,this is his birthday.
Today he turns the big six zerooh wow, it's a big it's a big
one.
So, happy birthday.
My love, uh love of my life, uh, keeper of my heart, uh
(01:16):
everything I know.
So this one's for you, babe.
Yes, age with grace, please.
Yes, I demand this.
Chrisy (01:27):
So Chrissy go.
I recently heard a physicianmention this just in talking in
general about patients, olderpatients, and it stuck with me
for some reason because I neverreally thought of it.
But then when I startedthinking about it, I realized
there are definitely two types.
Kerry (01:50):
Did the physician use this phrase aging with grace?
Chrisy (01:52):
Yes, oh okay, well, I think they were commenting on
that.
They have some patients who arenot.
Kerry (01:59):
Oh, okay.
Chrisy (02:00):
And the physician came off to me.
It really wasn't anything wetouched on at length.
My interpretation of the reasonto say this was because I think
it's part of being a doctorwith maybe a certain age group
of patients that becomes alittle bit of a frustrating part
(02:21):
of their career.
Oh wow, and not something thatyou can easily.
I mean, doctors are aboutdiagnosing and trying to offer
solutions to health problems.
Kerry (02:30):
Right.
Chrisy (02:31):
And this is something that is definitely, I think, how
a person mentally feels orthinks they need to approach the
process of aging, and there'sdefinitely people who and I just
thought it was a very poignant,very spot on moment of somebody
saying something that justreally stuck with me Wow, aging
(02:52):
with grace.
Kerry (02:53):
I think my mom aged with grace, I do, she really really
did.
Like I've said.
She taught us how to live.
She also taught us how to die,but she aged, I think, very
gracefully.
Chrisy (03:04):
Yes.
Kerry (03:05):
She is, I think was the standard.
Chrisy (03:07):
Yeah, I would agree with that.
Yeah.
Kerry (03:11):
So what does that mean, I guess, when we talk about aging
with grace?
Chrisy (03:15):
Well, that's hard because I mean we're all in the
same boat here Yep.
We're all going to age.
We're all going to hit theseother milestones that aren't as
great the second half of ourlives that they were the first
half and it takes a specialplace in your mind, in the way
(03:36):
you look at things, to be ableto say I'm going to do this
gracefully and without burdeningmyself or others with the
stress of this.
Kerry (03:50):
Yeah, I mean because you can't do anything about it.
Chrisy (03:52):
It's going to happen, no , and I think that it's a test
for all of us, because youreally have to change your
perspective on things.
Kerry (04:02):
Yes.
Chrisy (04:03):
And it's a new learning experience and I think that it
really has a lot to do withbeing a little bit less selfish
as you get older.
Kerry (04:12):
That is so insightful.
Chrisy (04:14):
You don't only.
You know, when you're youngerand I know I probably was more
than anybody else then, I admitit, I was very selfish.
You're're thinking of yourself.
How is this going to make mefeel better?
I you want, you want to feelgood, you want to have great
outcomes, you want people to payattention to you.
And then you know you in your30s and 40s I think in general a
(04:38):
lot of people because you'vehad children, yeah, and you have
to really give a big part ofyourself up with that.
Kerry (04:44):
You start realizing it's not all about you.
Chrisy (04:46):
No, not, and it's not.
Yeah, I mean and so.
Kerry (04:49):
So then, when you get to this latter half, people either
seem to go one way or another.
They revert back to it's aboutme again.
Chrisy (04:57):
Yeah.
Kerry (04:57):
Or they are like continuing that it's less about
me, yes, and less about me isaging gracefully and more about
me as aging grumpy old person.
Right, so no one wants to bearound Right, yes, and I think
that becomes the bane of ourexistence.
Chrisy (05:14):
I just think that you're correct.
I think, that there are somepeople who are at this point who
become very selfish again, yeah, and don't really think about.
Kerry (05:25):
How it affects others.
How it's going to affect others, you know, and it may not even
be.
It's not that they're notthinking about it.
They just don't care how itaffects others.
Chrisy (05:34):
Well, yeah, I think, because they're just like you
know I'm.
This is me, and I'm the onefacing this.
You're not.
You're standing on thesidelines watching me have to do
this, Right?
So don't tell me what you thinkI should do to make things
better.
Kerry (05:48):
Right.
Chrisy (05:49):
You know, they really don't want.
Kerry (05:51):
I remember my dad would say things like and I think we
talked a little bit about thisbefore like with whenever he was
using the you know salinesolution as his salt because he
wasn't supposed to have.
Oh my.
Yes, I remember this he wassupposed to have salt in his
diet.
So they took all the salt outof the hospital room.
So he found the saline bottleand was putting that on his
(06:11):
lettuce or whatever sandwich orwhatever to try to get salt.
Chrisy (06:14):
I have to say that's very resourceful.
Kerry (06:16):
It was creative.
But I remember he got so madand he was like I'm so and so
years old and I'm so and so, andyou're not going to tell me
what to do and this is how I'mgoing to do it and I've earned
this at my age and that was kindof like where entitlement, yeah
, and just.
It was kind of that like Idon't care what you think, you
(06:38):
know I'm, you know where.
My mom would have never she,she would have never done that
Like she was, just so she wastaking every chapter of her life
for what it was and enjoyingwhat she was doing in that part
of her life.
And yes, it's hard when thingsare ending, but you find you
still find joy and you stillfind the value of what the new
(07:01):
is.
Chrisy (07:02):
And that is hard.
Kerry (07:03):
That is hard especially as you're aging and you're
losing things you know losingindependence, or you're losing
mobility, or you're losing youryouthfulness or whatever.
And I think that's kind ofwhere Jim and I see each other
right now a little bit, is we'rerealizing that we're getting
into that next level of what wecan and cannot do and that it's
a hard adjustment sometimes, youknow, because you want to hang
(07:24):
on to those good times andwhatever.
But you just got to realizethere's there's still good times
to come, it's just different.
Chrisy (07:30):
Yeah, it's, it's adjusting.
You're right, there are stillthings to look forward to.
Yes, and just thinking aboutpeople who are our age or older
facing all of this kind of stuff, their perspective on what that
picture is, yeah, I, generallyand I'm just saying generally, I
, from what I've experienced,people who are generally, I
(07:52):
think, having some trouble aginggracefully are ones that can't
seem to get out of the past.
They're remembering too much ofwhat they were able to do,
which we all do.
Yeah, I'm not faulting you.
I mean, of course we rememberwhen we were younger and we were
able to do which we all do.
I'm not faulting you.
I mean, of course we rememberwhen we were younger and we were
able to do this, and we wereable to eat this with no problem
, and you know, we could, youknow, do this kind of stuff with
our, you know, stretch this waywith our body and didn't wake
(08:14):
up, you know, feeling awful orhurting our neck just by
sneezing, you know, or whatever.
So it's easy to remember,because it's not that long ago,
when you think of the grandscheme of our length of our life
.
None of this stuff seems thatfar out of reach and I have seen
people and I mean I can thinkof people, not naming anyone,
(08:37):
but there are people from justmy whole life growing up.
I could definitely put peoplein one or the other list of that
line, if you were puttingcategories or you're making a
list who aged gracefully, whodid not, and it's almost like
are you an Elvis or a Beatlesfan?
Are you a this or you?
(08:58):
A that there are people.
Kerry (09:00):
There's not much in the middle.
No, you tend to be one or theother.
Chrisy (09:04):
there's very little gray and I would like to say that
I'm going to be a graceful ager,but I'm sure there's going to
be times that I'm going to be anot graceful ager.
So I hope that I can keep thatfeeling with me, because I
really want to be the other way.
(09:26):
I think.
Holding dignity, having someclass, you know, if you pride
yourself on that it's important,it's important.
Kerry (09:36):
Yeah, I think right now for me I mean, I generally do
try to find the positive and Igenerally do have hope and I
generally do look forward tothings I do tend to think more
about that something is possiblerather than impossible.
But where I struggle with iswhen I'm around those that are
(09:59):
not that way and it brings medown and I have a hard time
holding on to that.
I find myself right now I'm atthat age where, okay, I've
created healthy boundaries, Ican stand up for myself and I
don't want that to come acrossas not being aging gracefully.
So sometimes I maybe lack in myprojection at how it comes out,
(10:20):
but I do think that overall Ido look forward to every stage,
but there is a period ofmourning for what's gone.
Chrisy (10:28):
Oh, absolutely.
Kerry (10:29):
And it's natural.
Chrisy (10:31):
Yeah, I think you know I'm thinking about your, one of
your new tattoos.
Okay, it's not the most recentbut it's the second, second most
recent yes, which had a lot ofyou can say it, I am happy.
Yep, I'm happy, and this wassomething very beautiful, but
(10:51):
with tinge of sadness.
Yeah.
Kerry (10:54):
But that you said One of my mom's final words or phrases,
that things that she said, thatwasn't just an answering.
You know, can I get yousomething?
Wasn't yes, no, was it?
This was her thought and sheshared it.
I unfortunately didn't get tohear it firsthand, but she told
my sister that helped take careof my mom.
She told her and she was happyand that really it did stick
with me.
Chrisy (11:14):
And what a gift to give to your family.
Yeah, when you have to knowthat, you know when they're gone
, it helps with, I think, a lotof closure.
I mean, I don't want to speakfor you, no, it does.
I'm just thinking.
Kerry (11:32):
And for me this.
I'm so glad you brought that up.
I didn't even think about thatwhen we were talking about this
episode today.
I have it on my wrist and itwas funny when the tattoo artist
wanted to put it on.
He wanted to put it, so it wasfacing the other way and I'm
like, no, I want it facing.
So when I'm looking at my arm Ican read it, you know, and
because it is for me right, youknow, I have found over these
last two months that when I'mhaving a difficult day going
(11:53):
through this grief process of mymom and things that are going
on in my life right now andchanges and struggles that I do
look at that and I find likethat's my hope because, like I
said, I need hope.
Yes, we do so.
It does mean a lot.
It does this.
That was a great reminder.
Good job, chrissy.
Chrisy (12:14):
No, you're welcome well you can see the impact it has on
and I you know she wasn't mymom yeah you're very important,
me and she was a world for you.
Kerry (12:23):
Yeah.
Chrisy (12:24):
And so it impacted me, to just the understanding of
what she was able to do Giveyour family, I mean and maybe
not that you wouldn't recognizethis, but just being sort of the
outsider and not so emotionallyconnected with the situation, I
can see what that was truly agift.
Kerry (12:44):
It was a gift.
Chrisy (12:45):
Whether you can't ever say it was this her intention or
not, but she had it in her tobe graceful.
Yeah, and to leave that kind ofimpact with you is wonderful.
I feel like my father when hepassed.
It was so fast.
Kerry (13:00):
Right.
Chrisy (13:01):
And just sort of came out of nowhere.
Yeah, my dad wasn't even 70when he passed away.
You know we got hit with itquick and hard.
Yes, and because we never saw,you know, cancer Right as what
was going to take dad down, wethought it would be some.
You know he struggled with highblood pressure.
Kerry (13:21):
Right, he was diabetic Heart issue.
Yeah down, we thought it wouldbe.
Chrisy (13:23):
As some you know, he struggled with high blood
pressure, right, yes, so thiswas just like oh you know, oh my
you know, and uh, there's just,we watch somebody get diagnosed
with that in that way where, bythe and with his, they found it
, unfortunately, and just thetype of cancer it was and the
way the tumor was.
Yeah, he could not negotiateout of that.
(13:44):
There was not.
They could try and help, theycall it.
I guess there was sometreatments they could try to do
and we did pursue that.
Kerry (13:53):
But it was just delaying the inevitable.
Chrisy (13:55):
I think, I think, and so the one thing that was left
with me, though, from him,whether it was his intention or
not, and I think, I don't thinkwhen people are in that process,
they really have any intentionsanymore.
Now they're just really at apoint where they're, I can't
even imagine.
It's something we're all goingto face.
So I'm not trying to candy coatit, but who knows how we're all
(14:19):
going to perceive how ourparents and what they leave for
us?
at that time.
But I do feel he left withdignity and he gave.
I admire him.
It was not easy to face that,and yet I never heard my father
sound like he felt bad forhimself, right.
Kerry (14:39):
I'm sure he had anger.
Chrisy (14:40):
Yeah, because that's natural Right.
I think he really tried to keephis sense of humor all the way
to the end.
Kerry (14:46):
And there again it's a matter of that our parents.
You know everything that theyteach us from beginning to end.
You know, and I think thatalmost it really shows who they
innately are, not that peoplethat don't age gracefully aren't
innately good, but it alsoshows, if they don't age
gracefully, what traumas didthey go through in life that got
(15:06):
them to that point?
You know what dysfunctions intheir life got them to that
point.
But I think, as an adult, whenyou see both sides, when you see
the person that ages gracefullyand you see the person that
does not, you have to thinkabout, well, how do I want my
children to see me?
Because?
Do you experience that rippleeffect?
(15:27):
You know, when you have theparent that ages gracefully or a
family member that agesgracefully, and you can enjoy
that process for as much as youcan enjoy losing somebody, but
to have those good memories, tohave that, to see them do it
with such dignity and grace, butthen you see the other side and
(15:49):
how much not only it takes fromthat person but it takes from
the family and the caregiver andeverybody around them, and how
much it makes you struggle as aperson to deal with that.
You know that's.
It really gives you stuff tothink about.
Well, how, how, when I age.
This is important because I'mdoing this to my kid, I'm doing
(16:12):
this to my family, I'm doingthis to my sisters, my siblings,
my best friend, right yourscribbling notes.
What did I say that provokedyou?
Chrisy (16:20):
Well, you do.
You do because you bring upreally good points, two things,
and I am not a professional inthis area at all.
We're strictly with thisepisode, going off of personal
experience.
But I wonder, if I have twopoints, what in my thoughts?
I wonder if people whogenerally aren't as graceful
with the aging process, if theyare generally people who feel
(16:43):
like for a lot of their life,whether it's based in fact or
not, we're cheated right out ofthings, possessions, physical
things, physical or abilities,abilities or love, from whatever
, or respect, and they reallyfeel like, you know, they just
weren't given, yeah, and sotherefore, they're really that
(17:07):
sort of selfish.
Whether it's, you know, correctfeeling or not, it just sort of
amplifies as you get older.
Yeah, because you know well, Ididn't get this and I, you know,
and you're telling me now Inever will, you know or I never
did this and I'll never can.
And the other thing too is tojust sort of maybe think of.
(17:28):
This is I think, when you don'tage gracefully, especially for
your children, it totallydistorts your child's memory of
you Because it's a negative andit's a strong feeling and it's a
draining process and itbasically clouds your past with
(17:54):
that person really bad, but withaging gracefully and going
through the process of your lifecoming to an end for your child
, I think if you can do it in away that's dignified and it's a
hard thing to do and I'm notgoing to promise you this is
(18:14):
going to be me at all but Ithink it definitely helps, maybe
amplify the way you lived oh,100%.
And so I think it's a loteasier to remember a parent or a
loved one with all the good yes, because you in as bad as my
father's, you know passing wasand how it was hard to lose him
and see him go through that.
(18:35):
It really didn't take away anyof my fond memories of him.
Kerry (18:38):
No, it made your fond memories fonder.
Chrisy (18:41):
Well, it kind of made me of him.
Kerry (18:45):
No, it made your fond memories fonder.
Well, it kind of made me.
Yeah, I know it, chrissy, it'semotional, I hear you it's okay.
Chrisy (18:52):
It made me realize, because I don't want to be
crying.
Kerry (18:55):
You can be crying because this is our safe space and
we're both vulnerable today.
Chrisy (18:59):
I can't let anybody think I'm a big baby.
You're not a baby.
So what it helped me do wasrealize how much he loved me for
real.
It solidified that, yeah, and Idon't know that I always felt
that Right Because you knowgrowing up it was, you know it
wasn't always fun and gamesRight and but it really it
(19:21):
actually helped make all of thatbetter, yeah, or less traumatic
.
Kerry (19:27):
Yes.
Chrisy (19:27):
Or dysfunctional.
Kerry (19:28):
Yeah, I don't want to promote less dysfunction, right
when we focus on that, ondysfunction but no, I know what
you mean exactly, because youknow, obviously my relationship
with my dad had a lot ofchallenges.
I do have some good memories andI've always said I've kind of
compartmentalize those and putthem in a safe space.
And I had to do that for thatexact reason I had to protect
(19:50):
those good memories because Ididn't want them tainted by
everything else.
And I'm so glad I was able todo that.
And I know that's hard for somepeople to do and I think,
unfortunately, being a childthat grew up with abuse and
trauma, that is how I learned tosurvive and so I was able to
keep some of those really goodmemories and that's what I fall
(20:11):
back on.
And I, like you with your dad,I did finally have a moment,
right before my dad passed,where we were able to talk
openly and you know I had that.
We had that forgiveness Onehundred percent, was able to
keep those memories and so,although I still have bad
memories, I can still look andsay, but I, but there's these
good ones, these fond memories.
Chrisy (20:33):
So, well, I think what has done for me is the fact that
I really have to sort of searchfor anything bad, and as I've
gotten older and rememberinglosing him too, it makes me sort
of it kind of helps, yeah.
It sort of cushioned anythingthat was bad, yeah, and made me
(20:54):
maybe see a little bit of thehumor in it.
Yes, and I didn't have thelevel of problems that you did
Everyone's story's different.
Yeah, but I mean, if he wouldhave been differently.
Kerry (21:05):
Yeah.
Chrisy (21:06):
Towards the end.
I think it would have amplifiedall the bad.
I understand that, yeah, but Ithink, because of where he was
in his mind, that he was able tobe gracious and vulnerable and
just very, I mean I can't say,you know, really thinking of
others.
It seemed to me, anyhow, hewasn't just, you know, sitting
(21:29):
there sulking, why me, why me,why did?
Kerry (21:31):
this happen to me.
Chrisy (21:32):
Yeah, it just it made me remember a lot of good.
Yeah, your dad showed you howto die.
Kerry (21:38):
Yeah, and.
Chrisy (21:39):
I told and, as you said, about your mother yeah living
and living and dying.
Kerry (21:43):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I'm glad you had a goodexperience on that end, as good
as you can, exactly.
Chrisy (21:49):
It's never good when you lose them no but and you do
wonder when you lose them.
Young like that too, yes,although I'm not that young, my
husband lost his parents wayyounger so there's a lot of mild
, not that young.
My husband lost his parents wayyounger.
So there's a lot of mild thingsthat he could have experienced
with his parents.
He didn't get a chance to that.
I did, so I'm very lucky, yeah.
(22:10):
But you know, yeah, I meanyou're thankful for them and you
know what they gave you.
Kerry (22:16):
Yeah.
So part of all this too, withaging with grace, is preparing.
So we've talked about this onother episodes, about as you're
aging, you need to be prepared.
You're not dumping all of thison your kids or your family or
whatever.
And so not only are youpreparing how you will handle
this as a person, how you handlethis emotionally, but also the
(22:38):
physical stuff, the financialstuff.
Yeah, I just kind of want totake that in their consideration
.
But, yeah, this was a littleheavy, but it was good.
It's good to see both of usvulnerable especially.
Yeah, I'm vulnerable, everyone,we all are.
So this is something that a lotof people our age are dealing
with is aging, whether it'sourselves or our parents or, you
(23:00):
know, we're caretakers forsomebody.
So, yeah, it's okay to bevulnerable, yeah.
Chrisy (23:04):
I guess, All right.
Kerry (23:06):
Well, we're going to wrap that up and, yeah, I think we
got a flashback Friday episodecoming up.
We'll look forward to hearingor talking to you all soon.
Chrisy (23:15):
Thank you Bye bye, bye.
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