August 20, 2025 • 29 mins
Words have power, especially those spoken by parents to their children. Have you ever considered how the phrases your parents used might actually reveal their own unhealed trauma? In this illuminating episode, Chrisy and Kerry unpack ten common expressions that signal generational pain being passed down through families.
What makes this conversation particularly powerful is the compassion both hosts bring to their analysis. Rather than condemning parents who use these phrases, they explore the underlying trauma that leads adults to repeat harmful patterns. They acknowledge their own struggles as parents to break these cycles, noting how easy it is to fall back on learned behaviors even when we consciously want to do better.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
DJ Nick (00:07):
welcome to the dysfunction junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
So now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry,
Kerry (00:19):
hi junkies, welcome back.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:22):
and I'm chrisy
Kerry (00:22):
.
Well, chrisy's come up withanother good one today, I don't
know.
Chrisy (00:26):
I hope I thought this was interesting.
I came across this uh just insome feed was uh from a global
english editing by farleyledgwood and it was the 10
phrases.
As a child, if you heard thepeople who raised you say these
phrases to you, they think thatit had something to say about
(00:51):
the parent or the adult's ownpersonal trauma.
Kerry (00:54):
Their childhood trauma?
Yes, okay.
Chrisy (00:57):
And I was looking through these phrases and me and
Kerry were talking about this alittle bit and I have heard, I
think, all of these phrasesthere's 10 of them.
Yeah, but believe it or not,for as fun as I was having as a
kid and my especially my fathervery, you know, creative in how
he would sometimes let me knowwhat he thought or how I should
(01:18):
behave.
I don't really remember gettingany of these firsthand.
Kerry (01:21):
Oh, ok.
Chrisy (01:22):
But now you said, yeah, there's a couple of these on
here that when we get to, talkabout some of the ones that
maybe you can even share, likewhat was the event or whatever
that that was being told to you.
Kerry (01:35):
Yeah, all right, I'm going to go with number two,
because that one I will talkabout that one.
Number two says the phrase wasbecause I said so, that's why
and I know I've definitely heardthat from my father, okay, and
it was probably, you know, I wasprobably an annoying kid at one
point and your dad was tellingme to do something and it was
like why, why, why, you know thelittle parrot why, right, and
(01:57):
it's because I said so, that'swhy not that it was an answer,
you know.
But so I definitely know, I,that one I've I've heard many
times, but it was never said inlike, it was never answer, you
know.
But so I definitely know, I,that one I've heard many times,
but it was never said in like,it was never said like with a
threat, it was just, it was moreout of like matter of fact,
annoyance, irritation.
They couldn't come up with areason why.
Chrisy (02:17):
So that was just because I said so, that's why, right, I
am a parent, I'm a child andthat's the end of it.
I don't really remember beingtold that, and it's not that
it's beneath my father oranything like that.
But I think I just there was apoint where, again, if you
(02:37):
listen to episodes before, Idefinitely have a huge fondness
for my dad.
But I think growing up Ithought maybe the guy was a
little crazy and I not that Ididn't deserve discipline, I did
, as you guys have heard me talkabout stories.
Obviously I was no littleprincess or you know, very sweet
(03:02):
, little quiet, you know mousytype of kid, but generally if
dad said something you juststayed quiet.
But to question it, yeah, Imean you were very courageous.
I was going to say you werebrave, very brave, and
courageous, because I just don'tthink I would have said, you
know, I wouldn't have said why,and then therefore he wouldn't
(03:24):
have to say because I said so.
He might've just given you alook.
Well, he probably well the look.
Yeah, I think he probably wouldhave just like completely
jumped over that and just saiddo this because I said so, like
I didn't even get a chance tosay why.
So maybe that I might've heardthat it wasn't.
You know.
He didn't give me a chance toask why right?
DJ Nick (03:44):
I want you to do this because I said right and then
it's like well, how do you arguewith that?
Kerry (03:48):
yeah right I can't at this point you say why.
And he's just like what.
Are you stupid?
I just told you don't bother me, kid you know, get out of here.
So number one was stop cryingbefore I give you something to
try cry about.
I didn't.
I heard a variation of this,and this would have been more
from my mom.
It would have been stop crying,because crying is not going to
(04:10):
get you anywhere.
Oh, you know what I mean Withthat one like so.
First of all, I could probablycount on almost one hand the
amount of times I ever saw mymom cry.
My mom would.
If she was getting emotional orshe was upset, she would.
You would never see it.
Very, very, very few times didshe cry for her?
It was, and I think that washer defense mechanism growing up
(04:33):
.
And maybe she was told this, Idon't know, but so her comment
would be as if I was cryingabout something instead of
consoling.
There was no consoling, therewas no.
Oh honey, it's OK, or life willget better, or whatever.
Whatever your boo-boo will heal.
No, it was stop crying, becauseit's not going to get you
anywhere, it's not going to helpyou, it's not going to solve
the problem.
Chrisy (04:52):
Well, I find that a very good thing.
You just said yeah, because Ithink that really goes along
with what this article's titleis.
Yeah, it not only if you heardthese yes, it has something to
say about the parent or adultwho said them, as far as what
their trauma was Right.
And I think with that, yeah,your mother, because you said
you never really saw her cry.
Kerry (05:13):
Very few times.
Chrisy (05:14):
She was probably taught very early on to not show that
emotion.
Yes, because it was.
It had a negative it was.
Kerry (05:22):
it was like a useless.
It was useless.
Don't waste your energy.
Don't waste your energy doingit and don't show that type of
weakness.
DJ Nick (05:29):
Yeah.
Chrisy (05:29):
So I can see how that could be something that would
reflect on a person'sdysfunction or trauma growing up
.
Yeah, so yeah yeah, I mean theone thing my father did used to
do, which this wasn't so much asit was a saying, but it came
with a physical thing too.
Yeah, and when I say that Idon't mean anything horrible or
disturbing, but generally, outof nowhere, my father would like
(05:53):
all of a sudden sort of smackyou, but not like like a bop,
yeah, yeah, yeah, bop you on thehead, right, right, or you know
, I can't even describe it.
I never took it as aggressive orabusive.
Yeah, it was playful, I guess,and I think it was just to keep
me on my toes to somebodybecause it's almost terrifying
(06:14):
to think about it.
But he would used to do thatand then he'd say that's for
nothing, wait till you see whatyou get when you do something.
Oh no, I never got the secondpart Right Generally because, ok
(06:36):
, yeah, warning taken, ok, youknow.
But again, I always took it asplayful.
But just in that saying, if youjust have that saying alone and
in a different circumstance,that's a fairly aggressive and
sort of scary thought.
You know, almost like you knowyour grandmother burning with a
cigarette.
Yeah Well, that was for nothing, it was for nothing.
Kerry (06:58):
Wait till you see, I'm just going to set you on fire
completely the next time.
But see, that message was, Ireally think, meant for somebody
else and it was look what I cando.
If I can do this to her, whatam I going to do to you?
You know what I mean.
I really think I was collateraldamage on that one.
I don't think it was mepersonally, but I think she was
making a point via burning myhand and you were close.
Chrisy (07:19):
I was close and your hand was very available.
Kerry (07:21):
Unfortunately too close to the ashtray to make it look
like an accident.
Chrisy (07:25):
Everybody.
Not that there's ashtraysanymore, but if there's any
lesson out of this, don't putyour hands in the ashtrays.
Kerry (07:30):
Well, you know, I ain't sitting by it.
No me neither.
What else you got on there?
Chrisy (07:35):
Well, this is an awful one, because we talk about sort
of some dysfunction and traumadealing with siblings.
Yeah, why can't you be morelike your brother?
Slash sister.
Kerry (07:46):
Never heard that one Never heard that one.
I mean I've heard I've seen inmovies where, like people, that
line is used or whatever.
But I have never that has neverbeen said to me or I've not
heard it in my surrounding.
I don't even think I've heardanother friend's parents say
like I've never seen that otherthan in a movie or heard that.
Chrisy (08:06):
You know it's funny.
I was just thinking about this.
What?
What if somebody said this toyou and you're an only child
Ancestry.
Kerry (08:16):
And you're like wait a minute.
Chrisy (08:18):
What are you saying?
I thought I was your only child.
Who needs male and DNA Talk?
About some backstory there thatsomebody has not touched on?
Is that some Freudian slipthere?
Yeah, this is another why.
Why I give you everything.
Why aren't you happy?
DJ Nick (08:40):
That sounds.
Kerry (08:40):
I don't know that sounds so insulting to me yeah, I mean
again, that's a movie I've heardin movies and stuff but I can't
say I've ever personally heardthat or I either said to me or
someone in my vicinity.
I can't say that I'm.
Chrisy (08:55):
I feel like that is just really maybe a parent or a
older person, really not.
They don't understand what loveis that and they just they
really don't want to dig intowhat this person's experience.
Kerry (09:09):
There's there's a lack of emotional connection, right,
they just physical it's.
I will give you this, this andthis to.
Chrisy (09:17):
I will buy you things to make you happy I think this has
a lot to do with mental healthyou're not recognizing, yeah,
someone's mental health.
Because you do with mentalhealth, you're not recognizing
someone's mental health, becauseyou know, with mental health,
you realize that people, you canhave so much.
But the matter of fact is thatdepression is real, yes, and
people struggle with that, andit doesn't matter how much they
have.
DJ Nick (09:36):
So you've never heard the phrase, but I think, because
of the way you were raised, youdid get a lot of stuff.
Kerry (09:43):
You did.
DJ Nick (09:44):
So, even though it was never said to you, I don't know,
I just felt, it just rang to methat I was.
Kerry (09:51):
I was thinking similar that you know you were the child
that was.
Your parents gave you a lot,but apparently you didn't
express depression or sadness orwhatever because they never had
to say that to you.
Chrisy (10:03):
No, I was happy as hell exactly, it worked it worked.
I was the only one that cameout of that situation.
DJ Nick (10:12):
All right you do give me a lot.
I just felt like that thatcould have been a situation
where you could have where youcould have, but it didn't.
Kerry (10:18):
Yeah, I was thinking this , I was thinking similar because
you were given, you know.
DJ Nick (10:21):
I mean, they were very generous.
Kerry (10:24):
Well, you've even said before that they would buy you
things.
They bought me things.
Chrisy (10:27):
They provided for me.
I didn't have a lot ofexpectations, I don't think as
far as what I relied on to giveme outside of the material stuff
.
Right, you know, they weren'tcompletely cut off from me
emotionally.
My parents weren't afraid ofbeing loving in their way and I,
you know I was okay with thatlevel.
Kerry (10:50):
So yeah, the next one kind of a little bit along the
same lines.
You're lucky, you even have aroof over your head.
Chrisy (10:56):
Now that just sounds like something out of a Dickens
novel.
I've heard that one.
Kerry (11:00):
My dad said that to me.
Chrisy (11:01):
Really yes.
Kerry (11:05):
Do you remember what the situation was?
I remember I was 16, 17 ish andI don't know what we were
arguing about, but I it had todo something with my boyfriend
at the time, who eventuallybecame my husband.
But I don't know if it was thatwe were hanging out or whatever
, but there was some contextwhere he was like if you don't
(11:27):
like it, you could leave,because you're.
You're lucky that you even havea roof over your head right now
.
Chrisy (11:32):
Was he trying to impose a rule on you in regards to your
time with your boyfriend?
Kerry (11:37):
Yeah, if I remember it had something to do with that or
they didn't like that we werespending so much time together.
I mean, really, what did hecare?
I mean he was working.
You know, my dad was working,my mom was at that time working
a lot too, so I was kind of onmy own, you know.
So it was like, why do you, whydo you care if we're hanging
out?
Chrisy (11:55):
Because what else is?
Yeah, you're not here, you'renot here.
Kerry (12:05):
You know so, but I do remember him getting so mad at
me.
At one point he said somethinglike you, you know, if you, you
can leave, if you want to leave,and then he made that comment
right, yeah, well, but but Iwouldn't be surprised if that
was something that mygrandmother said to him.
Chrisy (12:17):
Oh, I definitely could see where that came from that
definitely seems like that wouldhave come out of a a dated era.
That's what I'm saying.
Kerry (12:25):
Yeah, like you know, yeah , boy, you're lucky, you have a
roof over your head well, yeah,I mean you know I'll go get
switched to you it's.
Chrisy (12:34):
It seems dated it is, but I think some of these really
all kind of seem dated tosomebody.
Yeah, you're too sensitive.
Never heard that one?
I didn't either.
I mean no, I was sensitivebecause I didn't want anybody to
give me any baloney Right.
So please don't comment on itwhether you think my look is not
appropriate or anything likethat but yeah, I don't remember
(12:56):
hearing that one.
Kerry (12:56):
So let's see, that's one, two, three, four, five, six.
Chrisy (13:01):
We got about four more, yeah, one, two, three, four,
five, six.
We got about four more, yeah,seven, eight, nine.
Oh, ten's at the bottom here.
I'll take this one, you cantake the next one.
Kerry (13:08):
Okay, okay.
Chrisy (13:09):
So you're just like your .
And then it says insert parentor relative.
That sounds like.
Kerry (13:16):
It sounds right, but here , instead of comparing it to a
sibling, it's like the appledoes.
DJ Nick (13:22):
Yeah, we just said the apple doesn't fall far from the
tree.
Kerry (13:25):
Now I have heard my mother say that to my dad.
Ah, but it was not I.
I don't remember hearing itlike to me right but I've heard
that, oh, you're just like yourmother, but like that would be
my mom saying that to my dadyeah, you know, I think, what
they're trying to say here,because it's about trauma and
(13:45):
dysfunction.
Chrisy (13:46):
That's a negative.
Kerry (13:48):
Yeah, said with love.
But this could be a, this canbe a compliment, but it's
usually like a curse or a badthing You're criticizing.
Chrisy (13:56):
That's what I was going to make.
Mention of, that this couldeasily be.
You see in your child somethingthat you admire in your partner
.
Right, right I guess it couldbe thought of both ways yeah.
Kerry (14:07):
Well, when I've heard it, it was definitely not.
Now I will say I think I'veprobably said this to my son
sometimes, but usually it is inthe good way, you know, because
my son's an excellent father,excellent, excellent, just
amazing me what kind of fatherhe is.
And I have said excellent,excellent, just amazing me what
kind of father he is.
And I have said, oh, you're,you get that from your dad.
But that's part, but that's thewording changes.
(14:28):
Oh, you get you, you're justlike your dad, you get that.
You're a good father, like, youknow, your dad.
Chrisy (14:33):
Yeah, that sounds like a nicer way yeah.
But I think you're right, it isin the same, yeah Thought.
Kerry (14:38):
So I will say I have used that phrase, but in a kind way,
but I heard it a lot growing upin a not kind way.
Right yeah, dj Nick's gotthoughts going on over there.
Oh, I thought he would havejust chimed in, usually when he
starts scribbling on something.
All right, so that was your.
(15:01):
You're just like OK, so thenext one.
I'm the parent, you're thechild.
I don't owe you an explanation.
Yeah, that's kind of a littlebit like that other one that we
had.
Chrisy (15:10):
Some of these seem like they're just a different wording
, but they're the same idea.
Kerry (15:15):
Yeah, I'm the parent.
Yeah, I don't think I've everheard this that seems like a
complex statement to me.
Chrisy (15:22):
It doesn't flow off the tongue easy.
And I don't even think it'simpactful.
Kerry (15:27):
No, the only time I've heard I don't know, like I don't
.
I guess a variation of thatwould be you'll get, you'll
understand when you're older,like when you're talking about
something.
DJ Nick (15:36):
I've heard that in movies.
I don't think I ever heard that?
Kerry (15:38):
Oh, no, I've definitely heard that because we didn't
talk about things in our houseand so, like you had a question
like oh no, talk about sex.
Oh, you'll understand whenyou're older If somebody makes
an off color joke and they youknow what is that, what did?
I didn't get that.
You'll understand when you'reolder.
Chrisy (16:06):
So that's kind of how I a little bit take that.
You have I hear you say this alot about what your father used
to tell you, saying what shesays about that when you would
make you know you would be alittle bit uh I don't know how
to say it maybe uh off topic ora little bit on the uh I don't
want to say naughty, but sort ofyou know temp.
You're being you know silly,trying to make people laugh, but
it was.
The humor was a little bitdifferent.
Your father had a saying Abouttoilet humor.
Kerry (16:26):
Yes, potty humor.
So my dad was, even though mydad wasn't a.
DJ Nick (16:31):
Puritan.
He was very Puritanical, let mejust say he was very
straight-laced.
His sense of humor wasdifferent than mine.
He was much more, you know.
Chrisy (16:39):
He was kind of a quiet gentleman, not swear words.
DJ Nick (16:42):
So he used to get on me about that because sometimes
he'd make brisket comment hereand there and as a kid I
probably shouldn't have been, soI get it.
I'm just listening to you guystalk about these things.
Kerry (16:57):
I did hear a lot of these you heard.
DJ Nick (16:59):
Like the one you just said.
I'm the parent.
Kerry (17:01):
You're the child.
DJ Nick (17:04):
And then don't ask me why, but just because I said so
Because I said so, and I'veheard that from both of my
parents.
But much more from my mom wasmuch more the disciplinarian
growing up.
So I would have likely heardmore things and, reflecting back
upon it, they both had verytraumatic upbringings.
Chrisy (17:21):
I'm just thinking about that, that I'm sure that upon it
they both had very traumaticupbringings yeah, just thinking
about that that, I'm sure that,yeah, did your mother have a say
?
I feel like you used to tell meyour mom had one thing that she
used to say, but maybe not.
You said your mom generallywould laugh at your humor oh, my
mom, definitely she.
DJ Nick (17:35):
She thought I had a better sense of humor.
Yeah, I think she appreciatedmy sense of humor more so than
my father.
Definitely she would be, infact probably more so than my
sisters.
My mom would be the onelaughing the hardest when I say
stuff like that yeah, well,because my, my sisters have a
little.
Their sense of humor is morelike my father's, I think.
Kerry (17:53):
In general, oh, I see, yeah they were more.
DJ Nick (17:56):
You know, more of the you know.
Chrisy (17:58):
So straight laced, straight laced yeah, your
household definitely needed youin it to lighten the mood.
Yeah.
Kerry (18:06):
And you know that kind of thing too about some of these.
I think it also relates to likeour family didn't talk about
things.
So usually if some of thesethings were going to be heated
for me, especially in my earlieryears if it got to the point
where there was going to be a, acomment they're usually you did
you went straight from whateverhappened to physical and there
(18:30):
wasn't a lot of conversation.
So you were, you were gonna,you were gonna get hit.
Before anything In the lateryears, that's when my dad would
say something he was learning tocontrol his temper or whatever,
and so then you would get theseand that was always the signal
of walk away because you're,you're about to get, you're good
(18:50):
, you're gonna get hit.
So.
So he evolved because hestarted learning to control, and
so then these things would comeout.
But right so what's this numbernine?
What?
Chrisy (19:03):
is the we have left here oh, that's terrible, it is.
You always ruin, everything,you ruin everything.
Kerry (19:10):
I feel like that's a sibling thing.
A sibling would say to asibling.
Chrisy (19:13):
Did your sisters ever say that to you?
No, yeah, because there wassuch an age difference.
Kerry (19:18):
Age difference.
Chrisy (19:19):
So we really weren't doing anything.
Just thinking back now I couldsay that's probably a thought I
had and just didn't verbalize it.
That would be one that I kindof kept to myself.
Kerry (19:36):
And.
Chrisy (19:36):
I think a lot of people probably think that you know you
don't want to say it out loud.
Kerry (19:40):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chrisy (19:40):
But you have people in your family that you're like man
.
They're such a downer.
Kerry (19:44):
Yeah.
Chrisy (19:45):
We're trying to have fun and they kind of ruin it every
time.
Kerry (19:48):
Right.
Chrisy (19:50):
Are they invited to this get together?
Kerry (19:52):
Cause I don't want to go, but never heard.
Chrisy (19:54):
I really, to give my parents a little bit of credit,
I guess they would have neverallowed, if they were doing
something they really knew, tonot involve a child.
We definitely had a clearunderstanding of what was mom
and dad activities as far astheir social circles and what
they did as adults.
Yeah, with going out andsocializing with friends versus
(20:17):
family time, we want to sort ofexperience this with our child
you know, so I guess I feellucky because the fact that I
think that was recognized bythem, yeah generally, and not
that we did a lot of it but ifthey were going to involve me in
something as far as a vacationtogether or go see a movie
together, I generally had apretty good experience with it.
(20:38):
Right, my parents well.
I do remember going to WaltDisney World with them when my
father tried to sink the car.
And I hate to say this, but Ithink actually my father's
intention was more about he wassort of getting a chance to
experience something that hedidn't, because it wasn't there
when he was a child, right, butI think he had a fondness for
(20:59):
Disney.
He liked the animation.
My father was actually a fairlygood drawer.
Kerry (21:04):
He was able to do.
Chrisy (21:05):
Oh yeah, I remember he did the artwork for the clowns
for the circus, the circus yeah,he did quite a few of those and
he was very talented with thatso I think he had an affection
for that.
So I think going and taking meto disney world was sort of a
big deal to him.
Yeah, and I think it wassomething he looked forward to,
my mother not so much it justwasn't her thing, yeah just
(21:25):
wasn't her thing to have a Ifanything.
I guess the line that you sayyou always ruin everything, she
just wasn't fun, yeah, and shewill tell you that she's like I
don't we'd ever played games.
We didn't do anything.
But yeah, I think my father,like I said generally, if he was
going to do something with youthat involved you, yeah, it was
(21:48):
one is kind of all in, yeah, soI appreciate that that's cool
yeah this last one, gosh, thisone.
Kerry (21:55):
This one strikes a nerve because the phrase is that
didn't happen.
Stop making things up.
That's gaslighting I thoughtabout that when I read that, so
I can't say that that phrase wassaid.
However, yeah, gaslighting wasdefinitely there was gaslighting
, but maybe not said in that way.
(22:16):
But yeah.
I saw that and I'm like, oh, Ihate gaslighting.
Chrisy (22:21):
I read that too and I thought to myself boy, that that
has like abuse on so manylevels written all over it.
Because you're almost trying toconvince that person and the
people around, yes, that this isnot a true statement.
This is not an actual event.
Yep, this person is basicallylying.
Kerry (22:41):
Yeah, I've.
Ok, let me just say this I havenot heard that that line from
my parents, but there have beenpeople in my family that have
said that they've, they've madethat comment about things and
I'm like, well, I could show youthe text message that, nope,
that's what was said or that'swhat was done.
But yeah, so that that onereally strikes a nerve with me
(23:01):
because that's, that's totallydysfunctional yeah it, that's a
bad is a bad I mean in generalthat list I guess, I'm.
Chrisy (23:09):
I guess it speaks a little bit, maybe again for me.
I'm coming off bad because Idon't have as much dysfunction
with this.
Kerry (23:16):
I don't remember hearing really any of these and carrie
has had experience with some ofthese I have, and now did you?
DJ Nick (23:24):
you said there was one, there was some on there there's
about three or four, thoughyeah, and I know that it's know
the author's premise talks abouttheir own childhood trauma.
When they were children andboth my mother and father you
know they both had a prettyrough upbringing.
Chrisy (23:39):
Which I think maybe a lot of kids did from that time
period.
DJ Nick (23:44):
I think what they, you know, did try to do is to you
know, despite maybe using someof those phrases that you really
shouldn't use, that the authorof this article talks about.
I think they really tried to dothe opposite of their parents
as far as their upbringing.
I mean, you know, there wasalcoholism in both of my
grandparents, on both sides.
My parents hardly ever drank.
Kerry (24:04):
Yeah.
DJ Nick (24:04):
Especially my mom.
Kerry (24:05):
Maybe she'd have one drink at a wedding, a holiday or
something, or at a wedding,yeah my father.
DJ Nick (24:11):
Maybe in the summer, after he cut the grass, he'd
have a beer, sure yeah, butthat's a dad thing to do so but
other than that, like, neitherone of them had a lot of alcohol
and I think, because they grewup with, you know, alcoholism in
their yep, in their upbringing,so I I think that that parents,
you know, they probablyshouldn't have used some of
those phrases, but I think, youknow, I think they did.
Chrisy (24:31):
Well, you can't really fault them.
I mean, this is the way theywere you know?
DJ Nick (24:35):
I think that's the author's premise.
It's not that you're trying tobe you know.
Kerry (24:39):
But it's good to talk about these things because we
don't want to try to do better.
DJ Nick (24:50):
Well, you know, even as us, as me, as a parent I'll
admit I probably borderline saidsome of those things to my
daughter.
Well so borderline, not, maybenot exactly that phraseology,
right?
I I do think you know thatsometimes I have mentioned to
her talking about she shouldappreciate all that she has,
because I know I didn't.
I I grew up fairly humble, Imean, you know.
So I didn't, I didn't have alot of the stuff that, like
Chrissy, had growing up.
So I know I've said some.
Kerry (25:12):
But I think there's a difference in the tone, because
there's one thing to talk toyour kids about.
You know the things that theyhave and they should be great
for whatever.
So there's one thing to havethat conversation with your kids
but there's another be likeusing it in a threatening way or
you know why?
Why aren't you happy when Igive you all this instead of you
know, hey, you know you're verylucky to have.
(25:33):
So there's tone is definitelymakes a big difference.
DJ Nick (25:36):
But I don't want to come off as like super nice,
nice, because sometimes I mighthave used that tone, just to
being honest.
Kerry (25:43):
So we're human.
DJ Nick (25:45):
Yeah.
Chrisy (25:49):
So I think the one thing that I am guilty of that is a
statement on here, but I haven'tactually said that, but I
probably was feeling it andtried to express that line, but
in a different way.
About being too sensitive.
Yeah, I see things that botherespecially my oldest daughter
because of the age she's at.
And I remember not letting thesame type of thing bother me or
(26:10):
at least not to the point whereI had to express it.
Kerry (26:14):
Where other people would visibly see that it upset you.
If it upset you, you wouldn'tlet other people see that.
Chrisy (26:20):
No, right, I mean, did you think about it later and
you're upset about it?
Yeah, probably.
I mean I'm not able tocompletely just move on and not
care what you think or say.
Of course I do, but I do feelbad when I feel that way because
I guess I just again I'm notsaying I'm above it, but maybe
just because of our age and theway our parents were with us,
(26:41):
you really didn't spend a lot oftime on that kind of hurt, not
that you didn't hurt, but it'shard to explain.
But there are some timesbecause I will.
Usually I won't say it to her,but I'll talk with Nick
afterwards and when sheexpresses, you know, she talks
just thank God, and she'll tellus something bothered her or
(27:02):
whatever.
I try not to really sayanything to her about, I just
try to listen, but I might justin him and I when we're having
our conversation afterreflecting on it, I might.
The one thing I definitely sayis I wish that didn't bother her
that much, right.
Kerry (27:16):
Yeah, so that's.
But that, I think, is more ofthe protective mother in you,
that's.
You know you don't want to seeyour child hurt, right?
You?
Know you're not faulting forthe feeling, it's just you don't
want to see your child hurt,right, I want her to be strong,
and not because I do fear formental health for everybody.
Yeah.
Chrisy (27:35):
And especially teens.
Yeah, you know there's a lotthat they try to process, so I
try to.
I feel like you know I don'twant you thinking too much about
this.
Kerry (27:49):
Well, I'm glad whenever you sent this to to me, I
actually didn't dive too muchinto it, and sometimes I do that
on purpose, because I want thereaction to be raw here and not
to overthink it and this was oneof them.
So, yeah, your your Facebookscrolling or whatever that led
you to this article by FarleyLedgerwood from Global English,
editing the 10 phrases of achild you were raised by people.
(28:09):
If you were raised by peoplewho never healed from their own
trauma, so yeah, that wasinteresting.
Yeah that was a good one, Chris.
Chrisy (28:16):
I don't know that we came up with anything, as far as
going deep into what ourparents trauma was or wasn't.
But but it's interestingbecause I'm sure there are
people out there who did hear alot of these.
Interesting Because I'm surethere are people out there who
did hear a lot of these andmaybe when they are reflecting
on the fact that they heard themand they think about the parent
or adult who said it, it helpsthem get a better understanding
of what their dysfunction ortrauma was.
Kerry (28:37):
Right, and then it kind of helps you understand your
parents a little better.
So well, we want to hearphrases.
Maybe that some of theseresonated with you or maybe
there was other ones.
Shoot us a message on Facebookor Instagram or send us an email
.
We'd like to hear your feedback.
We do have our new website,dysfunctionjunkiespodcastcom.
Please check that out.
You can see where we're at,what events we're going to be at
(28:59):
.
We have our Junkies Care whereit's our community outreach.
We are sponsoring CanineCompanions, their Dog Fest,
north Central.
That's in September.
We're trying to raise money forthem.
You can learn more about thaton our website.
But yeah, we'd want to hearfrom you.
Definitely, all righty, we'llsee you all next week.
Bye, everybody, bye.
welcome to the dysfunction junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
So now here are your hosts,Chrisy and Kerry,
Kerry (00:19):
hi junkies, welcome back.
I'm Kerry
Chrisy (00:22):
and I'm chrisy
Kerry (00:22):
.
Well, chrisy's come up withanother good one today, I don't
know.
Chrisy (00:26):
I hope I thought this was interesting.
I came across this uh just insome feed was uh from a global
english editing by farleyledgwood and it was the 10
phrases.
As a child, if you heard thepeople who raised you say these
phrases to you, they think thatit had something to say about
(00:51):
the parent or the adult's ownpersonal trauma.
Kerry (00:54):
Their childhood trauma?
Yes, okay.
Chrisy (00:57):
And I was looking through these phrases and me and
Kerry were talking about this alittle bit and I have heard, I
think, all of these phrasesthere's 10 of them.
Yeah, but believe it or not,for as fun as I was having as a
kid and my especially my fathervery, you know, creative in how
he would sometimes let me knowwhat he thought or how I should
(01:18):
behave.
I don't really remember gettingany of these firsthand.
Kerry (01:21):
Oh, ok.
Chrisy (01:22):
But now you said, yeah, there's a couple of these on
here that when we get to, talkabout some of the ones that
maybe you can even share, likewhat was the event or whatever
that that was being told to you.
Kerry (01:35):
Yeah, all right, I'm going to go with number two,
because that one I will talkabout that one.
Number two says the phrase wasbecause I said so, that's why
and I know I've definitely heardthat from my father, okay, and
it was probably, you know, I wasprobably an annoying kid at one
point and your dad was tellingme to do something and it was
like why, why, why, you know thelittle parrot why, right, and
(01:57):
it's because I said so, that'swhy not that it was an answer,
you know.
But so I definitely know, I,that one I've I've heard many
times, but it was never said inlike, it was never answer, you
know.
But so I definitely know, I,that one I've heard many times,
but it was never said in like,it was never said like with a
threat, it was just, it was moreout of like matter of fact,
annoyance, irritation.
They couldn't come up with areason why.
Chrisy (02:17):
So that was just because I said so, that's why, right, I
am a parent, I'm a child andthat's the end of it.
I don't really remember beingtold that, and it's not that
it's beneath my father oranything like that.
But I think I just there was apoint where, again, if you
(02:37):
listen to episodes before, Idefinitely have a huge fondness
for my dad.
But I think growing up Ithought maybe the guy was a
little crazy and I not that Ididn't deserve discipline, I did
, as you guys have heard me talkabout stories.
Obviously I was no littleprincess or you know, very sweet
(03:02):
, little quiet, you know mousytype of kid, but generally if
dad said something you juststayed quiet.
But to question it, yeah, Imean you were very courageous.
I was going to say you werebrave, very brave, and
courageous, because I just don'tthink I would have said, you
know, I wouldn't have said why,and then therefore he wouldn't
(03:24):
have to say because I said so.
He might've just given you alook.
Well, he probably well the look.
Yeah, I think he probably wouldhave just like completely
jumped over that and just saiddo this because I said so, like
I didn't even get a chance tosay why.
So maybe that I might've heardthat it wasn't.
You know.
He didn't give me a chance toask why right?
DJ Nick (03:44):
I want you to do this because I said right and then
it's like well, how do you arguewith that?
Kerry (03:48):
yeah right I can't at this point you say why.
And he's just like what.
Are you stupid?
I just told you don't bother me, kid you know, get out of here.
So number one was stop cryingbefore I give you something to
try cry about.
I didn't.
I heard a variation of this,and this would have been more
from my mom.
It would have been stop crying,because crying is not going to
(04:10):
get you anywhere.
Oh, you know what I mean Withthat one like so.
First of all, I could probablycount on almost one hand the
amount of times I ever saw mymom cry.
My mom would.
If she was getting emotional orshe was upset, she would.
You would never see it.
Very, very, very few times didshe cry for her?
It was, and I think that washer defense mechanism growing up
(04:33):
.
And maybe she was told this, Idon't know, but so her comment
would be as if I was cryingabout something instead of
consoling.
There was no consoling, therewas no.
Oh honey, it's OK, or life willget better, or whatever.
Whatever your boo-boo will heal.
No, it was stop crying, becauseit's not going to get you
anywhere, it's not going to helpyou, it's not going to solve
the problem.
Chrisy (04:52):
Well, I find that a very good thing.
You just said yeah, because Ithink that really goes along
with what this article's titleis.
Yeah, it not only if you heardthese yes, it has something to
say about the parent or adultwho said them, as far as what
their trauma was Right.
And I think with that, yeah,your mother, because you said
you never really saw her cry.
Kerry (05:13):
Very few times.
Chrisy (05:14):
She was probably taught very early on to not show that
emotion.
Yes, because it was.
It had a negative it was.
Kerry (05:22):
it was like a useless.
It was useless.
Don't waste your energy.
Don't waste your energy doingit and don't show that type of
weakness.
DJ Nick (05:29):
Yeah.
Chrisy (05:29):
So I can see how that could be something that would
reflect on a person'sdysfunction or trauma growing up
.
Yeah, so yeah yeah, I mean theone thing my father did used to
do, which this wasn't so much asit was a saying, but it came
with a physical thing too.
Yeah, and when I say that Idon't mean anything horrible or
disturbing, but generally, outof nowhere, my father would like
(05:53):
all of a sudden sort of smackyou, but not like like a bop,
yeah, yeah, yeah, bop you on thehead, right, right, or you know
, I can't even describe it.
I never took it as aggressive orabusive.
Yeah, it was playful, I guess,and I think it was just to keep
me on my toes to somebodybecause it's almost terrifying
(06:14):
to think about it.
But he would used to do thatand then he'd say that's for
nothing, wait till you see whatyou get when you do something.
Oh no, I never got the secondpart Right Generally because, ok
(06:36):
, yeah, warning taken, ok, youknow.
But again, I always took it asplayful.
But just in that saying, if youjust have that saying alone and
in a different circumstance,that's a fairly aggressive and
sort of scary thought.
You know, almost like you knowyour grandmother burning with a
cigarette.
Yeah Well, that was for nothing, it was for nothing.
Kerry (06:58):
Wait till you see, I'm just going to set you on fire
completely the next time.
But see, that message was, Ireally think, meant for somebody
else and it was look what I cando.
If I can do this to her, whatam I going to do to you?
You know what I mean.
I really think I was collateraldamage on that one.
I don't think it was mepersonally, but I think she was
making a point via burning myhand and you were close.
Chrisy (07:19):
I was close and your hand was very available.
Kerry (07:21):
Unfortunately too close to the ashtray to make it look
like an accident.
Chrisy (07:25):
Everybody.
Not that there's ashtraysanymore, but if there's any
lesson out of this, don't putyour hands in the ashtrays.
Kerry (07:30):
Well, you know, I ain't sitting by it.
No me neither.
What else you got on there?
Chrisy (07:35):
Well, this is an awful one, because we talk about sort
of some dysfunction and traumadealing with siblings.
Yeah, why can't you be morelike your brother?
Slash sister.
Kerry (07:46):
Never heard that one Never heard that one.
I mean I've heard I've seen inmovies where, like people, that
line is used or whatever.
But I have never that has neverbeen said to me or I've not
heard it in my surrounding.
I don't even think I've heardanother friend's parents say
like I've never seen that otherthan in a movie or heard that.
Chrisy (08:06):
You know it's funny.
I was just thinking about this.
What?
What if somebody said this toyou and you're an only child
Ancestry.
Kerry (08:16):
And you're like wait a minute.
Chrisy (08:18):
What are you saying?
I thought I was your only child.
Who needs male and DNA Talk?
About some backstory there thatsomebody has not touched on?
Is that some Freudian slipthere?
Yeah, this is another why.
Why I give you everything.
Why aren't you happy?
DJ Nick (08:40):
That sounds.
Kerry (08:40):
I don't know that sounds so insulting to me yeah, I mean
again, that's a movie I've heardin movies and stuff but I can't
say I've ever personally heardthat or I either said to me or
someone in my vicinity.
I can't say that I'm.
Chrisy (08:55):
I feel like that is just really maybe a parent or a
older person, really not.
They don't understand what loveis that and they just they
really don't want to dig intowhat this person's experience.
Kerry (09:09):
There's there's a lack of emotional connection, right,
they just physical it's.
I will give you this, this andthis to.
Chrisy (09:17):
I will buy you things to make you happy I think this has
a lot to do with mental healthyou're not recognizing, yeah,
someone's mental health.
Because you do with mentalhealth, you're not recognizing
someone's mental health, becauseyou know, with mental health,
you realize that people, you canhave so much.
But the matter of fact is thatdepression is real, yes, and
people struggle with that, andit doesn't matter how much they
have.
DJ Nick (09:36):
So you've never heard the phrase, but I think, because
of the way you were raised, youdid get a lot of stuff.
Kerry (09:43):
You did.
DJ Nick (09:44):
So, even though it was never said to you, I don't know,
I just felt, it just rang to methat I was.
Kerry (09:51):
I was thinking similar that you know you were the child
that was.
Your parents gave you a lot,but apparently you didn't
express depression or sadness orwhatever because they never had
to say that to you.
Chrisy (10:03):
No, I was happy as hell exactly, it worked it worked.
I was the only one that cameout of that situation.
DJ Nick (10:12):
All right you do give me a lot.
I just felt like that thatcould have been a situation
where you could have where youcould have, but it didn't.
Kerry (10:18):
Yeah, I was thinking this , I was thinking similar because
you were given, you know.
DJ Nick (10:21):
I mean, they were very generous.
Kerry (10:24):
Well, you've even said before that they would buy you
things.
They bought me things.
Chrisy (10:27):
They provided for me.
I didn't have a lot ofexpectations, I don't think as
far as what I relied on to giveme outside of the material stuff
.
Right, you know, they weren'tcompletely cut off from me
emotionally.
My parents weren't afraid ofbeing loving in their way and I,
you know I was okay with thatlevel.
Kerry (10:50):
So yeah, the next one kind of a little bit along the
same lines.
You're lucky, you even have aroof over your head.
Chrisy (10:56):
Now that just sounds like something out of a Dickens
novel.
I've heard that one.
Kerry (11:00):
My dad said that to me.
Chrisy (11:01):
Really yes.
Kerry (11:05):
Do you remember what the situation was?
I remember I was 16, 17 ish andI don't know what we were
arguing about, but I it had todo something with my boyfriend
at the time, who eventuallybecame my husband.
But I don't know if it was thatwe were hanging out or whatever
, but there was some contextwhere he was like if you don't
(11:27):
like it, you could leave,because you're.
You're lucky that you even havea roof over your head right now
.
Chrisy (11:32):
Was he trying to impose a rule on you in regards to your
time with your boyfriend?
Kerry (11:37):
Yeah, if I remember it had something to do with that or
they didn't like that we werespending so much time together.
I mean, really, what did hecare?
I mean he was working.
You know, my dad was working,my mom was at that time working
a lot too, so I was kind of onmy own, you know.
So it was like, why do you, whydo you care if we're hanging
out?
Chrisy (11:55):
Because what else is?
Yeah, you're not here, you'renot here.
Kerry (12:05):
You know so, but I do remember him getting so mad at
me.
At one point he said somethinglike you, you know, if you, you
can leave, if you want to leave,and then he made that comment
right, yeah, well, but but Iwouldn't be surprised if that
was something that mygrandmother said to him.
Chrisy (12:17):
Oh, I definitely could see where that came from that
definitely seems like that wouldhave come out of a a dated era.
That's what I'm saying.
Kerry (12:25):
Yeah, like you know, yeah , boy, you're lucky, you have a
roof over your head well, yeah,I mean you know I'll go get
switched to you it's.
Chrisy (12:34):
It seems dated it is, but I think some of these really
all kind of seem dated tosomebody.
Yeah, you're too sensitive.
Never heard that one?
I didn't either.
I mean no, I was sensitivebecause I didn't want anybody to
give me any baloney Right.
So please don't comment on itwhether you think my look is not
appropriate or anything likethat but yeah, I don't remember
(12:56):
hearing that one.
Kerry (12:56):
So let's see, that's one, two, three, four, five, six.
Chrisy (13:01):
We got about four more, yeah, one, two, three, four,
five, six.
We got about four more, yeah,seven, eight, nine.
Oh, ten's at the bottom here.
I'll take this one, you cantake the next one.
Kerry (13:08):
Okay, okay.
Chrisy (13:09):
So you're just like your .
And then it says insert parentor relative.
That sounds like.
Kerry (13:16):
It sounds right, but here , instead of comparing it to a
sibling, it's like the appledoes.
DJ Nick (13:22):
Yeah, we just said the apple doesn't fall far from the
tree.
Kerry (13:25):
Now I have heard my mother say that to my dad.
Ah, but it was not I.
I don't remember hearing itlike to me right but I've heard
that, oh, you're just like yourmother, but like that would be
my mom saying that to my dadyeah, you know, I think, what
they're trying to say here,because it's about trauma and
(13:45):
dysfunction.
Chrisy (13:46):
That's a negative.
Kerry (13:48):
Yeah, said with love.
But this could be a, this canbe a compliment, but it's
usually like a curse or a badthing You're criticizing.
Chrisy (13:56):
That's what I was going to make.
Mention of, that this couldeasily be.
You see in your child somethingthat you admire in your partner
.
Right, right I guess it couldbe thought of both ways yeah.
Kerry (14:07):
Well, when I've heard it, it was definitely not.
Now I will say I think I'veprobably said this to my son
sometimes, but usually it is inthe good way, you know, because
my son's an excellent father,excellent, excellent, just
amazing me what kind of fatherhe is.
And I have said excellent,excellent, just amazing me what
kind of father he is.
And I have said, oh, you're,you get that from your dad.
But that's part, but that's thewording changes.
(14:28):
Oh, you get you, you're justlike your dad, you get that.
You're a good father, like, youknow, your dad.
Chrisy (14:33):
Yeah, that sounds like a nicer way yeah.
But I think you're right, it isin the same, yeah Thought.
Kerry (14:38):
So I will say I have used that phrase, but in a kind way,
but I heard it a lot growing upin a not kind way.
Right yeah, dj Nick's gotthoughts going on over there.
Oh, I thought he would havejust chimed in, usually when he
starts scribbling on something.
All right, so that was your.
(15:01):
You're just like OK, so thenext one.
I'm the parent, you're thechild.
I don't owe you an explanation.
Yeah, that's kind of a littlebit like that other one that we
had.
Chrisy (15:10):
Some of these seem like they're just a different wording
, but they're the same idea.
Kerry (15:15):
Yeah, I'm the parent.
Yeah, I don't think I've everheard this that seems like a
complex statement to me.
Chrisy (15:22):
It doesn't flow off the tongue easy.
And I don't even think it'simpactful.
Kerry (15:27):
No, the only time I've heard I don't know, like I don't
.
I guess a variation of thatwould be you'll get, you'll
understand when you're older,like when you're talking about
something.
DJ Nick (15:36):
I've heard that in movies.
I don't think I ever heard that?
Kerry (15:38):
Oh, no, I've definitely heard that because we didn't
talk about things in our houseand so, like you had a question
like oh no, talk about sex.
Oh, you'll understand whenyou're older If somebody makes
an off color joke and they youknow what is that, what did?
I didn't get that.
You'll understand when you'reolder.
Chrisy (16:06):
So that's kind of how I a little bit take that.
You have I hear you say this alot about what your father used
to tell you, saying what shesays about that when you would
make you know you would be alittle bit uh I don't know how
to say it maybe uh off topic ora little bit on the uh I don't
want to say naughty, but sort ofyou know temp.
You're being you know silly,trying to make people laugh, but
it was.
The humor was a little bitdifferent.
Your father had a saying Abouttoilet humor.
Kerry (16:26):
Yes, potty humor.
So my dad was, even though mydad wasn't a.
DJ Nick (16:31):
Puritan.
He was very Puritanical, let mejust say he was very
straight-laced.
His sense of humor wasdifferent than mine.
He was much more, you know.
Chrisy (16:39):
He was kind of a quiet gentleman, not swear words.
DJ Nick (16:42):
So he used to get on me about that because sometimes
he'd make brisket comment hereand there and as a kid I
probably shouldn't have been, soI get it.
I'm just listening to you guystalk about these things.
Kerry (16:57):
I did hear a lot of these you heard.
DJ Nick (16:59):
Like the one you just said.
I'm the parent.
Kerry (17:01):
You're the child.
DJ Nick (17:04):
And then don't ask me why, but just because I said so
Because I said so, and I'veheard that from both of my
parents.
But much more from my mom wasmuch more the disciplinarian
growing up.
So I would have likely heardmore things and, reflecting back
upon it, they both had verytraumatic upbringings.
Chrisy (17:21):
I'm just thinking about that, that I'm sure that upon it
they both had very traumaticupbringings yeah, just thinking
about that that, I'm sure that,yeah, did your mother have a say
?
I feel like you used to tell meyour mom had one thing that she
used to say, but maybe not.
You said your mom generallywould laugh at your humor oh, my
mom, definitely she.
DJ Nick (17:35):
She thought I had a better sense of humor.
Yeah, I think she appreciatedmy sense of humor more so than
my father.
Definitely she would be, infact probably more so than my
sisters.
My mom would be the onelaughing the hardest when I say
stuff like that yeah, well,because my, my sisters have a
little.
Their sense of humor is morelike my father's, I think.
Kerry (17:53):
In general, oh, I see, yeah they were more.
DJ Nick (17:56):
You know, more of the you know.
Chrisy (17:58):
So straight laced, straight laced yeah, your
household definitely needed youin it to lighten the mood.
Yeah.
Kerry (18:06):
And you know that kind of thing too about some of these.
I think it also relates to likeour family didn't talk about
things.
So usually if some of thesethings were going to be heated
for me, especially in my earlieryears if it got to the point
where there was going to be a, acomment they're usually you did
you went straight from whateverhappened to physical and there
(18:30):
wasn't a lot of conversation.
So you were, you were gonna,you were gonna get hit.
Before anything In the lateryears, that's when my dad would
say something he was learning tocontrol his temper or whatever,
and so then you would get theseand that was always the signal
of walk away because you're,you're about to get, you're good
(18:50):
, you're gonna get hit.
So.
So he evolved because hestarted learning to control, and
so then these things would comeout.
But right so what's this numbernine?
What?
Chrisy (19:03):
is the we have left here oh, that's terrible, it is.
You always ruin, everything,you ruin everything.
Kerry (19:10):
I feel like that's a sibling thing.
A sibling would say to asibling.
Chrisy (19:13):
Did your sisters ever say that to you?
No, yeah, because there wassuch an age difference.
Kerry (19:18):
Age difference.
Chrisy (19:19):
So we really weren't doing anything.
Just thinking back now I couldsay that's probably a thought I
had and just didn't verbalize it.
That would be one that I kindof kept to myself.
Kerry (19:36):
And.
Chrisy (19:36):
I think a lot of people probably think that you know you
don't want to say it out loud.
Kerry (19:40):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chrisy (19:40):
But you have people in your family that you're like man
.
They're such a downer.
Kerry (19:44):
Yeah.
Chrisy (19:45):
We're trying to have fun and they kind of ruin it every
time.
Kerry (19:48):
Right.
Chrisy (19:50):
Are they invited to this get together?
Kerry (19:52):
Cause I don't want to go, but never heard.
Chrisy (19:54):
I really, to give my parents a little bit of credit,
I guess they would have neverallowed, if they were doing
something they really knew, tonot involve a child.
We definitely had a clearunderstanding of what was mom
and dad activities as far astheir social circles and what
they did as adults.
Yeah, with going out andsocializing with friends versus
(20:17):
family time, we want to sort ofexperience this with our child
you know, so I guess I feellucky because the fact that I
think that was recognized bythem, yeah generally, and not
that we did a lot of it but ifthey were going to involve me in
something as far as a vacationtogether or go see a movie
together, I generally had apretty good experience with it.
(20:38):
Right, my parents well.
I do remember going to WaltDisney World with them when my
father tried to sink the car.
And I hate to say this, but Ithink actually my father's
intention was more about he wassort of getting a chance to
experience something that hedidn't, because it wasn't there
when he was a child, right, butI think he had a fondness for
(20:59):
Disney.
He liked the animation.
My father was actually a fairlygood drawer.
Kerry (21:04):
He was able to do.
Chrisy (21:05):
Oh yeah, I remember he did the artwork for the clowns
for the circus, the circus yeah,he did quite a few of those and
he was very talented with thatso I think he had an affection
for that.
So I think going and taking meto disney world was sort of a
big deal to him.
Yeah, and I think it wassomething he looked forward to,
my mother not so much it justwasn't her thing, yeah just
(21:25):
wasn't her thing to have a Ifanything.
I guess the line that you sayyou always ruin everything, she
just wasn't fun, yeah, and shewill tell you that she's like I
don't we'd ever played games.
We didn't do anything.
But yeah, I think my father,like I said generally, if he was
going to do something with youthat involved you, yeah, it was
(21:48):
one is kind of all in, yeah, soI appreciate that that's cool
yeah this last one, gosh, thisone.
Kerry (21:55):
This one strikes a nerve because the phrase is that
didn't happen.
Stop making things up.
That's gaslighting I thoughtabout that when I read that, so
I can't say that that phrase wassaid.
However, yeah, gaslighting wasdefinitely there was gaslighting
, but maybe not said in that way.
(22:16):
But yeah.
I saw that and I'm like, oh, Ihate gaslighting.
Chrisy (22:21):
I read that too and I thought to myself boy, that that
has like abuse on so manylevels written all over it.
Because you're almost trying toconvince that person and the
people around, yes, that this isnot a true statement.
This is not an actual event.
Yep, this person is basicallylying.
Kerry (22:41):
Yeah, I've.
Ok, let me just say this I havenot heard that that line from
my parents, but there have beenpeople in my family that have
said that they've, they've madethat comment about things and
I'm like, well, I could show youthe text message that, nope,
that's what was said or that'swhat was done.
But yeah, so that that onereally strikes a nerve with me
(23:01):
because that's, that's totallydysfunctional yeah it, that's a
bad is a bad I mean in generalthat list I guess, I'm.
Chrisy (23:09):
I guess it speaks a little bit, maybe again for me.
I'm coming off bad because Idon't have as much dysfunction
with this.
Kerry (23:16):
I don't remember hearing really any of these and carrie
has had experience with some ofthese I have, and now did you?
DJ Nick (23:24):
you said there was one, there was some on there there's
about three or four, thoughyeah, and I know that it's know
the author's premise talks abouttheir own childhood trauma.
When they were children andboth my mother and father you
know they both had a prettyrough upbringing.
Chrisy (23:39):
Which I think maybe a lot of kids did from that time
period.
DJ Nick (23:44):
I think what they, you know, did try to do is to you
know, despite maybe using someof those phrases that you really
shouldn't use, that the authorof this article talks about.
I think they really tried to dothe opposite of their parents
as far as their upbringing.
I mean, you know, there wasalcoholism in both of my
grandparents, on both sides.
My parents hardly ever drank.
Kerry (24:04):
Yeah.
DJ Nick (24:04):
Especially my mom.
Kerry (24:05):
Maybe she'd have one drink at a wedding, a holiday or
something, or at a wedding,yeah my father.
DJ Nick (24:11):
Maybe in the summer, after he cut the grass, he'd
have a beer, sure yeah, butthat's a dad thing to do so but
other than that, like, neitherone of them had a lot of alcohol
and I think, because they grewup with, you know, alcoholism in
their yep, in their upbringing,so I I think that that parents,
you know, they probablyshouldn't have used some of
those phrases, but I think, youknow, I think they did.
Chrisy (24:31):
Well, you can't really fault them.
I mean, this is the way theywere you know?
DJ Nick (24:35):
I think that's the author's premise.
It's not that you're trying tobe you know.
Kerry (24:39):
But it's good to talk about these things because we
don't want to try to do better.
DJ Nick (24:50):
Well, you know, even as us, as me, as a parent I'll
admit I probably borderline saidsome of those things to my
daughter.
Well so borderline, not, maybenot exactly that phraseology,
right?
I I do think you know thatsometimes I have mentioned to
her talking about she shouldappreciate all that she has,
because I know I didn't.
I I grew up fairly humble, Imean, you know.
So I didn't, I didn't have alot of the stuff that, like
Chrissy, had growing up.
So I know I've said some.
Kerry (25:12):
But I think there's a difference in the tone, because
there's one thing to talk toyour kids about.
You know the things that theyhave and they should be great
for whatever.
So there's one thing to havethat conversation with your kids
but there's another be likeusing it in a threatening way or
you know why?
Why aren't you happy when Igive you all this instead of you
know, hey, you know you're verylucky to have.
(25:33):
So there's tone is definitelymakes a big difference.
DJ Nick (25:36):
But I don't want to come off as like super nice,
nice, because sometimes I mighthave used that tone, just to
being honest.
Kerry (25:43):
So we're human.
DJ Nick (25:45):
Yeah.
Chrisy (25:49):
So I think the one thing that I am guilty of that is a
statement on here, but I haven'tactually said that, but I
probably was feeling it andtried to express that line, but
in a different way.
About being too sensitive.
Yeah, I see things that botherespecially my oldest daughter
because of the age she's at.
And I remember not letting thesame type of thing bother me or
(26:10):
at least not to the point whereI had to express it.
Kerry (26:14):
Where other people would visibly see that it upset you.
If it upset you, you wouldn'tlet other people see that.
Chrisy (26:20):
No, right, I mean, did you think about it later and
you're upset about it?
Yeah, probably.
I mean I'm not able tocompletely just move on and not
care what you think or say.
Of course I do, but I do feelbad when I feel that way because
I guess I just again I'm notsaying I'm above it, but maybe
just because of our age and theway our parents were with us,
(26:41):
you really didn't spend a lot oftime on that kind of hurt, not
that you didn't hurt, but it'shard to explain.
But there are some timesbecause I will.
Usually I won't say it to her,but I'll talk with Nick
afterwards and when sheexpresses, you know, she talks
just thank God, and she'll tellus something bothered her or
(27:02):
whatever.
I try not to really sayanything to her about, I just
try to listen, but I might justin him and I when we're having
our conversation afterreflecting on it, I might.
The one thing I definitely sayis I wish that didn't bother her
that much, right.
Kerry (27:16):
Yeah, so that's.
But that, I think, is more ofthe protective mother in you,
that's.
You know you don't want to seeyour child hurt, right?
You?
Know you're not faulting forthe feeling, it's just you don't
want to see your child hurt,right, I want her to be strong,
and not because I do fear formental health for everybody.
Yeah.
Chrisy (27:35):
And especially teens.
Yeah, you know there's a lotthat they try to process, so I
try to.
I feel like you know I don'twant you thinking too much about
this.
Kerry (27:49):
Well, I'm glad whenever you sent this to to me, I
actually didn't dive too muchinto it, and sometimes I do that
on purpose, because I want thereaction to be raw here and not
to overthink it and this was oneof them.
So, yeah, your your Facebookscrolling or whatever that led
you to this article by FarleyLedgerwood from Global English,
editing the 10 phrases of achild you were raised by people.
(28:09):
If you were raised by peoplewho never healed from their own
trauma, so yeah, that wasinteresting.
Yeah that was a good one, Chris.
Chrisy (28:16):
I don't know that we came up with anything, as far as
going deep into what ourparents trauma was or wasn't.
But but it's interestingbecause I'm sure there are
people out there who did hear alot of these.
Interesting Because I'm surethere are people out there who
did hear a lot of these andmaybe when they are reflecting
on the fact that they heard themand they think about the parent
or adult who said it, it helpsthem get a better understanding
of what their dysfunction ortrauma was.
Kerry (28:37):
Right, and then it kind of helps you understand your
parents a little better.
So well, we want to hearphrases.
Maybe that some of theseresonated with you or maybe
there was other ones.
Shoot us a message on Facebookor Instagram or send us an email
.
We'd like to hear your feedback.
We do have our new website,dysfunctionjunkiespodcastcom.
Please check that out.
You can see where we're at,what events we're going to be at
(28:59):
.
We have our Junkies Care whereit's our community outreach.
We are sponsoring CanineCompanions, their Dog Fest,
north Central.
That's in September.
We're trying to raise money forthem.
You can learn more about thaton our website.
But yeah, we'd want to hearfrom you.
Definitely, all righty, we'llsee you all next week.
Bye, everybody, bye.
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