November 19, 2024 • 56 mins
Are you stuck with most of the parenting duties? Wondering how to get your partner to share the load? In this episode of Eat Sleep Sh*t Repeat, Kelly and Kee dive into the often-overlooked mental and physical burdens many parents face, and how to actually make a change. They unpack the common frustrations around carrying the mental load, even in dual-income households, and share practical tips for improving communication, adjusting roles as family needs evolve, and resisting the urge to “fix” how your partner does things.
LINKS
Bluey - The Pool
HOSTS & PRODUCERS
Kelly McCarren @kelly_mccarren
Kee Reece @keereece
AUDIO PRODUCTION
Madeline Joannou - Mylk Media
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
on today, and it used to blow my.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Mind, Like when Lenny was little and I was still
going out all the time and still doing stuff, and
people would go, where's Lenny. Who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah,
the other person that chose to have a baby with me. Hello,
welcome back to Eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat your unhinged podcast
(00:30):
about the madness that is motherhood and everything in between.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I'm Kelly McCarran, I'm Kiri Cels and kel you're up
for picking pit today. But before we do that, I
did request that we do a little goal check in.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You wanted to do an entire episode about a goal,
like a summer series bonus, but not long. I'm like, A,
it's November. We're petering towards the end of November.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Realistically, are we going to get done in the last
two exactly?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
And and B I just don't really want to because
I don't want to think about my.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Goals and that I haven't done anything well. I thought
it would be funny because I think both of us
have failed miserably at our goals.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm pretty sure one of your goals was to get pregnant.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh tiktick t tiktick boombbe tic tic boom, because it's
hard as pregnancy ever. But yeah, I took that one off.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
The list you did, and mine was like all around
my health again, I'm just not setting that as goal
next year. That has just been silly.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Maybe that's the trick, is like not actually setting it
as a goal, and then you might.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We also didn't do our comedy classes. That was a
joint goal.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Shit, all right, it's still your peking pit.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Okay. So I'm so cheeky with my peaking pits. I
always just like chuck a few in there.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah, I know you do. I've noticed first.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
One the short story, my child is so ready to
be toilet trained that he took his nappy off, went
outside and shut on the ground like a dog, and
then came back inside and said, Mummy, clean up.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So this is the first time it's ever happened.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
This is the first time he's ever shut like a dog.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yes, I wonder where he got it from, like or
do you think it's just like an instinctive thing, like
I don't want to do it in my nappy and
Mum hasn't given me any alternatives.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'm just going to I don't know. I think maybe
he just thought it was a good idea. He has
same Percy do it a lot. Well.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
I thought he would have done it in a litter box,
to be fair.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
No, Percy does it outside.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh, so that's why.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
He's just following Percy's anyone trying to help, trying to
help him. It's just like, what indicator of how lazy
I am?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Can I just make you feel better? I know a
lot of people who will put it off because it
is a very hard thing if they're not ready, But
this is he's so ready. He's ready now, so I
don't think it's going to be hard.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
No, it's just that I just need to actually knuckle
in and do it. And he he is so ready
it's not even funny, like he knows exactly what he's doing. Yeah,
but he he just won't do it on the potty.
He will do it everywhere else but the potty.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Can you put the potty in the lounge like when
he's doing and start.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yes, and then he'll go and sit on it. But
then he'll get up and go to a spot on
the rug and do a week.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Oh that's really annoying.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
So annoying, And I know that he will get there,
I know, but I'm just like the other day, I
just thought, really, are you a dog, to which he
responded with woof, as he does. The other pit is
that Luke's friends are just like, they don't listen to
(03:36):
the pod because they hate me.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
So what, No, they don't, they actually do.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
They're just like, but ah, to be.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Honest, yeah, I'm just thinking about the wedding speech.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
See the best man's speech hated me, clearly hated me.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
He can't say that at a wedding.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Basically, there's been a bit of a situation where heaps
of Luke's friends are all going away together. I think
at the moment on it like a big family group holiday,
and Luke asked them, like ages ago, if they wanted
to go on a big group trip your joke, and
none of them said that they could. So that's why
(04:14):
we went to Bali just us, which you know, love Bali.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Yeah, it was great, but.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Then for him to find out that they've had this
planned for seven months, that's really.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
That makes me really upset because he's.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Such a good friend.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
So what's the issue, then they don't like me.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
You don't exclude people. It's schoolyard bullying and it's ridiculous. Yeah,
and they made it worse by lying and saying that
they did talk to.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Him about it, so they tried to gaslight him.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Exactly, which I just think is so much worse. Just say, oh,
we don't like cal we just don't want to go
on holidays with her. Be honest.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
The wives or the girlfriends are the partners, Like, do
you get on with them? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
I genuinely could not care less if people do not
like me. Yeah, but I feel so bad for Luke
and he's now being excluded for such a silly thing.
And I mean, if maybe it was just the holiday,
maybe I could be like, oh, yeah, it was a
simple mistake. Because one of them also said, oh, I
told Kelly about it, and I was like, you absolutely didn't.
(05:14):
I've got the world's best memory.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Yeah you can't.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
That's one person you can't trickery. Yeah with about did
we talk about it. There's been a lot of things
over the past year where we're clearly excluded, and it
just sucks for him.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Is he quite sensitive?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
No, he's so easy going, So I think at first
he was like a little bit hurt, but then he
was like, oh, they said it was a mistake. It's
not like it's fine.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So you don't like your friend's wife, but do you
not like your friend as well?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Exactly? Well, the thing is they still hang out, which
is why I'm like, I know it's me.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
So where did they go?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
They've gone to Fiji?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, I know, big family resort.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
That is so mean. Does Lenn get on with their
kids so well?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
And that also breaks my heart because that's like another
level of like fuck or excluding poor little let Like
there's just so many layers, like we don't have family
in Sydney. We don't have a big family anyway, we
don't like Len doesn't have that many people in his corner,
So how very dare you deliberately exclude him?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
You know what? Fucking we'll go on a trip together.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Literally, I'm just like I'm so petty that I'm like,
I'm going to plan the best fucking trips overseas next year,
and it's like I don't want.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
To go over seas again, Suck it up, We're going
on a trip. There's worse things it could be happening. Oh,
I know, poor Luke, like just poor guy Paul Len
and also poor you, because I know what it's like
to have your partner's friends not like you, and I
(06:55):
think that's more of them thinking not a thing.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's also like we've been to them for so.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Long, and have they seen you on a holiday like
I am Exactly. I don't think that you'd be annoying.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I understand that I'm very opinionated and I'm a big personality,
and so some people would find that a bit much
on holidays. I am just sitting back reading a book.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Drinking lockdown exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
They really they're missing out. Really, I am a wild time.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
That's a croc of shit though, an honest mistake to
forget one of your line.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Also, I think they forget that Luke is married to
me because one of the things that they tried to
trick him with was, Oh, we talked about it in
the group chat. It's like, give me your phone, I'll
have a look.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Get your detective hat on.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
One search Fiji. Oh, a couple of chats about this.
There someone else's holiday a couple of years ago. That's it.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, you can't be doing.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That also, even if you did mention in the group chat,
you then follow up and go, hey, tag so and
so did you see this? Are you keen? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Everyone else has got back to me. You're the only
one who has got back, like totally.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
It's just yeah crazy anyway, Okay, peak is that me
and my two closest girlfriends in the entire world stayed
in a hotel last weekend.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I cannot tell you how jealous I was when I
saw them, and.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It was, Oh my goodness, and it just makes me
so happy that they love each other.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Yeah so much.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Yeah, So the three of us just in a hotel room.
We had some drinks. We just did not stop talking
the entire time, and.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
It was so cute the little video like of the
view and then turning around and like I was doing
a little pos and then you were opening the champagne
and you all just looked so happy, like we all
love pictures.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
They both have three kids as well, so it's way
harder for them to sort of get.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
That time, so wonder they look so happy. I was just.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
So grateful, and it was just such a good reminder
to everyone that you just need that time, you need
your girlfriends without kids sometimes Actually.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
That you said that. I was went to a live
show with Dolly Alderton and the author and I guess TV.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
She's also a podcaster, is she not?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Yeah, she had a podcast for years, and she was
talking about how tricky your early thirties can be, because
like there can be divides in your group where some
of them have kids and some of them don't, and
it can be really rocky. But she said that what
actually ends up happening is that kids get a bit older,
a bit more self sufficient, and then suddenly you kind
of meet again and you're able to have And she
(09:31):
talked about this, like her best day being this like
long day drinking lunch with her girlfriends and then like
getting them so drunk that they will have to sleepover,
so then they have like an adult sleepert when she.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Like adults sleepovers is so far, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
And like that's what that just reminded me of. It's
like those moments are fleeting as life gets busier, but
they're also more meaningful.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Exactly exactly, and the time just means the world. Yeah,
So that was incredible. And I also said know to
something like in a work situation that I like, it
was the first time I've really put my boundaries at
my energy healer from BALI helped me put in place,
and I like, I turned down stuff all the time. Yeah,
(10:12):
but I turned down something i'd previously said yes too
because it was making me feel so uncomfortable and it
was so much money. But I kept to my boundaries
and I was like, no, this is making my gut
feel very uncomfortable. You're being very difficult already in early
stages not happening. And my energy healer said, she goes,
You're going to feel so uncomfortable the first time you
(10:34):
do it, but you need to stick to that boundary.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
We're conditioned as women to like please people. As freelance.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Is so hard to say no to money that you've
banked on as well, exactly money in general.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Like it, Yeah, totally, I'm proud of you though.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Thanks anyway. Yeah, so that was my peak and pitch
loves for listening. Let's get into today's episode now. I
do need to warn everyone that I'm probably gonna get
cranky oh today because nothing gets me more riled up
when it comes to parenting topics than incompetent men. Okay,
(11:11):
and women who enable shitty behavior, and for this episode
and for the sake of the discussion, we will be
focusing on a male female relationship today because everyone I
know in a lgbt QIA plus relationship does not have
to worry about sharing the load because it is another thing.
And of course there are exceptions to this rule, but
(11:32):
generally it seems to be straight men that suck in
this department.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Yes, I think it is a generalization, but for same
sex couples, they're better at communicating, so often the resentment
doesn't build because they're addressing the issues soon.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Oh that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
But I also just want to note that not all men, of.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Course, not all men, not Luke but Charlie exactly.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
That's what I'm saying, just because they are our husbands
and do listen to the show. Look, doesn't I think
that many factors do come into play. Who earns more
the financial split can often come into play. But yeah,
of course heterosexual couples do fall more into those traditional
gender roles, and often women feel they can't ask for
(12:16):
more help because they might earn less, so they think
they're contributing less exactly, But not speaking up only builds
more resstment, and that's why relationships kind of start to fall.
Another note about this is that it's around households with
two parents. So if you are a single parent, I
just want to acknowledge that you take on the complete load.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, and well I need to buy you a beverage
this holiday season. Absolutely all right, So let's kick things
off by talking about how we share the load. Would
you like to start, because I've just been talking a
lot with the peak and pitch.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Yeah, I would say. Charlie and I pretty even with
the mental load. We have ups and downs, of course,
and we always kind of will reach a point and
have to have a conversation and kind of a bit
of a reset. But Charlie is generally the admin guy.
So the admin guy takes care of anything financial, rent bills, holidays, booking, accommodation,
(13:13):
flights he would handle. So he is the admin guy.
So if my girlfriends want to plan a weekend away,
they will contact him. Because I am not good at
making plans.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I can't tell you how jealous this makes me my
biggest gripe with my race and holiday was all. I
did it all, and I don't like doing any of
the admin. I like to be a princess for.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Our trip to Europe. He booked all the flights and everything,
and he was like, I just need you to do
the accommodation. I was like, yeah, of course, I'll do
it easy because he knows that I'm pickier obviously with accommodation. Anyway,
do you reckon? I did it. Nah. I just kept
putting it off, putting it off, and then and then
Charlie goes I booked the accommodation and I was like,
what do you mean? And he told me that basically,
(13:59):
he just booked anything that was refundable because he knew
that I would see how bad they were and cancel
them all and make me book the accommodation.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Oh, you are so annoying.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Happened.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
You are so annoying.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Because you know on Airbnb you can book fully refundable.
So then I would just like canceled it. And he
knew what to do. He played me like a little
fiddle and I and I fell right into the trap.
So Charlie admin, guy, I'm more on the ground right,
I'm here day to day.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
I'm on the ground running.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I'm on the ground running. I'm waddling around, I'm packing
for trips. I'm doing appointments like doctor I'm doing I'm
mainly the daycare contact. So if Rue falls ill, generally
I'm the person that would be picking her up. I'm
the person who's think about extracurricular activities. I'm thinking about ballet,
I'm thinking about swimming. That's my kind of jam. And
(14:49):
if Rue really needs something like I'll be the person
to kind of research it, figure out what we need,
and then either of us will get it. But I'm
generally the person in charge of that kind of stuff
we do. You're still and if you've been a longtime
listener of ESSR, you'll know that ever since Ru was born,
we kind of had the split being like I'm primary
parent during the week and then on the weekends is
(15:11):
like my time off.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Tell the story about when you were where were you
with a group of friends and it was your turn
to have time off? But so all your friends are
looking at you just sitting back, relaxing, way.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Like Charlie attention.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Roone needs you.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Yeah, just generally on any holiday that falls on a
weekend fair enough. Obviously, ebbs and flows depending on what
we have on like if he's had a really busy
week at work. You know, we're sharing the load on
the weekends, but he will do more of like the
grunt work and do bed and bath and you know,
be kind of steering the thing of like, oh, what
should we feed roue tonight and more, taking off some
(15:47):
of that mental load so I can like have a
bit of a brain rest. He's probably home fifty percent
of the time for bed and bath during the week.
So if that's the case, like I would have done dinner,
he swoops and for bed and bath and then I
can cook us dinner. So we kind of like divvy
it up.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
What time do you guys eat dinner?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
So late at the moment, like nine, it's fucked. We
share the cleaning of the house, but he does rubbish
and I do washing, because those are like clear things
like I don't want anything to do with rubbish at all,
and I'm very particular about washing just how it's done
and everything like that. So I'm happy to do that.
I enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. That's a fucking stretch,
(16:24):
But I don't want him to do it fah feah,
even though he can and he will, like if he is,
like I'm out of jocks he'll put, you know, jocks
on or whatever. I think it's important to mention that
we do split bills proportionately to our salaries.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I've heard a lot of people do this. So say
someone who owns two hundred thousand and the other person
earns one hundred thousand, so they'll contribute like sixty forty
to the mortgage or something like that.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah, so basically our split is around like seventy thirty,
I would say, beacause I'm only working three days a
week and then I'm looking after roofe for two days.
So we still split our rent fifty to fifty. But
everything else, so we charge everything to a credit card
so we can get the points, and then we pay
the credit card off each month, and generally that split
(17:09):
is like a seventy thirty split. The split informs a
little bit of like the mental load. I would say
as well, if that makes sense. I did have to
just note at the end of this that this pregnancy
has been rough, and so Charlie has been doing probably
one hundred percent of.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Everything because Key simply cannot.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I cannot do anything. So I've gotten a wee bit better,
But there was a good six months of me being
like unable to do most things. So he really held
it down. And I think that's the important thing about
our relationship is that like we pick up when the
other person can't. So all of this stuff, this split
and everything is very fluid, but it really hinges on
(17:50):
us communicating and talking about it. Like I think the
last kind of big thing we had was on the weekends,
we wanted to just like hang out and spend time
together as a family, and we wouldn't grocery shop right
because we were just like, oh, I don't want to
do that. It's not fun, Like let's just go fucking
scootering or something like. We wanted to hang out together,
and I was saying to him, I know, we don't
(18:11):
want to do that on weekend, but it means that
my whole week is fucked because on a Monday, I'm like,
what am I going to do for dinners this week?
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:19):
That was like the last check in that I remember,
And he was just like, oh shit, I didn't even
think about that, Like I didn't think about how much
that would impact the stress and the mental load of
your week. Not having like ticked that off the list
kind of.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Thing, and I think that that was one of the
biggest takeaways from the survey responses. So I put out
to the shit is about this and we'll talk more
about the results later, but that partners people aren't mind
to readers. Yes, So the fact that we expect them
to know what we're thinking or what we're getting angry
(18:55):
or resentful about is kind of ridiculous. And the assumption
always is, oh, they should just know.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But why Yeah, I've actually got a good example of this.
So yes, today and this is I will say, this
is something that I have really worked on.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Did Charlie ask you if you could do three things
instead of two one day?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
That's exactly it. No. So he was working late the
night before. He had a shocking sleep, you know when
you're just so wide from working, and I think he
only got to bed at three point thirty in the morning, right,
and so he was really tired. So I said to him, Oh, like,
I've got physio and stuff. I'll do the drop off
in the.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Morning on lunch. I cannot do anything else. Yeah, I'm
never gonna let you leave that one down. Anyone playing
long at home asked her if she could do something
next week, and she goes.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
No, I had to have a boundary. I have a
lunch and I have a phisio a cairo. Actually, I
will just say I have to have boundaries on this pregnancy,
otherwise I just get so strong.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
I love that for you, but I will continue to make.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Play whatever anyway. So I did that. But what ended
up happening was because Rue didn't stick to my plan
of it taking half an hour for me to like
feed her and get her to day care. I was
so late, and I was so late that I didn't
look where my physio appointment was, so I ended up
parking on the street. I got one hundred and forty
dollars parking fine when I could have parked at the
Westfield and waddled over to my phissio. When I got home,
(20:19):
the dog had pissed inside because no one had let
him out. I thought Charlie let him out. Charlie thought
I had let him out. So I'm on the blower
going did you let the dog out? Blah blah, And
I'm getting like really pissed off at him for that,
and then he's like, what, you don't need to take
it out on me, like blah blah blah, blah, and
then maybe an hour later, I was like, hey, look,
I'm just really pissed off because my morning was really
(20:40):
stressful and I got a fine and I got parking
fine and then I had to clean up all this
piss and you know how hard it is to bend
over right now? Very hard, it's quite hard. There's a
big bowling ball on my way. And he was not
a really but he said, I'm sorry, Like, obviously I
didn't know any of that had happened. I'm really sorry
that you've had such a shit morning, but it was
identifying that I'm getting really angry at you right now.
(21:02):
But he doesn't know why. He doesn't know the context
of the day. He's just like, why having such a
bitches Like it's really lost on your significant other if
you do not give them the context of why you're
at ten.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yes, you know exactly. That is such a good example.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, yeah, So what are yours do well? When you
split a route?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Contribute to things pretty fifty to fifty, yeah, like mortgage bills,
everything just fifty to fifty. And then we've just like
look after different things. So I look after fun things.
I like paying for fun things, so I'm like, I'm
happy to pay for the holiday. I'm happy to pay
for your furniture. But when he recently is like, I'm
going to redo the laundry and I'm going to put
inducted air conditioning, I'm like, you compare for that?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Shit? How the fuck you getting ducted air confort free?
We're not no, as in like, you don't have to pay.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
I'm thinking about getting him a new television for his birthday.
That's nice, but I like buying fun things. Yeah, okay,
don't like paying for boring.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, you don't want to be like I just worked
to buy and.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Air conditioner boring. Whereas that's very you know, he loves that.
He's practical, very practical, and practical practical. That's a great
new love it. So I generally look after like the
daycare admin staff and Lenny's health stuff. Yeah, so like vaccinations.
(22:27):
I asked Luke once if he even knew what a
blue book was, and he did not, and that irritated me.
He actually does take Lenny's to the doctor a lot now,
but especially when he was younger, I did a lot
of that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
No, I'm the one that's dealing with the adnoids and
grammets and Luke just thinks that he doesn't need it
and that sort of thing. Yeah, But then I don't
want to do anything gross or boring, so I make
Luke do like the bugs. He's on bug pest control
every three months because I have I hate spiders with
a passion, spiders and needles, hate them, the bins saying
(22:58):
don't want to touch you, yucky. And then strata very boring.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, yeah, I get because it's a villa.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's a bunch of so we've got to pay for,
like the driveways and the garden. Yeah, stuff, And I
don't care about strata. Just on the he's on the committee.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
It's just so indicative of his personality to be on
the phone committee.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
The committee. Sometimes I can hear them having it and
then he'll jump on the phone calls sometimes and I'll
be like, hey, Teresa, Hey Tyler, new garage doors looking good.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
I love him so much and he's so genuine.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
He's so genuine, whereas I would simply not.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
I just love how like when I drive out, because
I'm over your house every Wednesday, it's spin day. When
I drive out, often he's bringing everyone's been.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yes, but he has to leave some out there learning
likes to bring them in.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Yeah, it's just so sweet.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
But Luke like, Aslen's gotten older, he'll do like little kickers. Yeah,
but I'm the one that's looking into swimming lessons and
that sort of thing. Yeah, I like to be in
charge of Lenny's clothes. But Luke also finds that really fine,
and that's a bit of a headbut situation.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
It seems that they're competing aesthetics.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Very competing aesthetics, and alas my son is very team Dad.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah, because Dad's got all the fun.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Stuff dinosaurs and like pockets with diggers on them yuck,
and the bloody car shoes and such. I have big
boundaries around holidays with his side of the friends and
the family. What I mean by that is I will
not look after any gifts or cards or anything. So
(24:37):
if he wants niece and nephews or sisters in laws
or whatnot to have anything on his side, he is
responsible for that. If we go to a wedding on
his side, he is responsible. Maybe that's why his friends
don't like me, because they think that I've just never
given them a wedding card or something. I don't know
what he's done because that is his domain. Resumes to like,
(25:01):
if we get invited to one of his friend's kids
birthday parties, you want to get that kid a gift,
you go do it. Okay, I'm very much so like
that's my boundary, whereas like, I'm not going to babysit you.
You're not my extra child.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Yeah, I get that. One of my love language is giving,
So on any scale, I'm like, I'll do it to
be fair.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
If I know the kid, of course I want to
shop for Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
But if I don't know the kid, I do understand
that it's a good boundary to have.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
We have a calendar, it's not that good at the moment.
We both book social things in digital or physical physical,
so it's actually needs a physical one because even when
I tell him things, he does not remember us. He'll
be like, hey, I'm going out with the boys on
Saturday night and I'm like, no, you're not. I told you,
and I've had this booked in for months. But then
he says, oh, You've got something on it every Saturday
(25:49):
for the rest of the year. I'm like, well, I
booked it in. Yeah, you and your friends need to
get I wonder why they don't like me. You guys
need to be more organizing. You can't tell me four
days before and just hope that I don't have something on.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Has he done the thing where he's been first and
you've been like, because that happened, Charlie like learned that
lesson pretty quickly. Like he puts stuff in the calendar.
I'll see things and I flip over to on your month,
and I'm like, oh, oh, sir, so good.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Organized though it genuinely wouldn't bother me though, because I
just would take lan yeah right, not go, or i'd
ask for help.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
I think the calendar goes through stages where it's really
good and really bad. Honestly, it's just like it's with anything, right.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
It's just that Luke doesn't use it until four days
beforehand because boys tend to be quite unorganized social activities,
where girls are like, let's lock in our Christmas line.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
There's four months in advance, especially because everyone has most
people have kids now that it's like.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Oh, even before we were always yeah, and both of
us have like quite active social lives, me probably more
so than him. I just thought like, and I you know,
as I've said, at the start of the episode. Social
stuff is very important and that time with your friends.
And it used to blow my mind when Lenny was
little and I was still going out all the time
and still doing stuff, and people would go, where's Lenny,
(27:06):
or who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah, the other
person that chose to have a baby with me.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
It's an interesting thing because I reckon, if Luke had
been socializing or whatever, do you reckon, anyone would have
asked him where Lenny one was. I don't actually think
that people would ask the dad that because the assumptions
like they would know that of course Lenny was with Kelly.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Baby is fine.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
But for some reason, it's like the first thought isn't like, oh,
the dad's with the kid that they both made, that.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
They chose to have it together. Yeah, dinner. I tend
to cook more because I'm better at it.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, and you even cook meat for him, which is
so nice. As a vegetarian, I always have to cook
it for Lenny.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, both, but I did even before Land I've always
cooked meat. But then Luke does way more of the
cleaning and stuff like that because I just don't care
about cleanliness really or tidying more so tidy, and then
I just do chores list. At the moment we've got
one on the table. When things are getting out of
control with like spring cleaning stuff, we've got chores list.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Oh I like that, and.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
You just have to like make sure it's pretty even
and then you just cross it off.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
I love to do that.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
A lot of the time. It's not that men are incompetent,
you know how You're like, it's a bit of a generalization,
not all men, and I completely agree. I don't think
that men are all incompetent. It's that women allow them
to be incompetent and enable their shitty behavior because they're
trying to control everything.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
But I also think there's another factor on this. Yes,
I agree with that, but I also think it's external pressures,
right because I feel like, say, the man is in
charge of something that's not done to this certain standard.
I think the woman is stressed out about how like
external judgments on that. But why the assumption that men
(28:54):
are allowed to be messy and women aren't.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Am I a bloke, I just would never think that.
I do not think that because I'm a woman, the
assumption is that I'm clean no, but like.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
The assumption is that you can't be untidy. Remember when
you put that video up, being like, oh my god,
this is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
This is me who's like usually water off a duck's back.
I end up having to message them and be like,
can you please like turn comments off? This is awful because.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
People were so nasty and all I saw was, oh
my god, thank god, there's another one of me out
there for context. Cultoka social video just showing that house
silly like.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
It was people were doing, you know, this is my house.
I was basically just doing a silly like this is
actually our house in the exact moment. It is a disaster, Yeah,
because no one ever shows what a real messy house
can look like sometimes totally and the comments or from
women exactly That's.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
What I'm talking about, right, There is a lot of
judgment on women.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
That's a really good point.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
You keep a tidy house to keep on top of
gift giving, Like, there's all of these things that ultimately,
if it doesn't happen, a woman in the relationship is
going to feel like they've done something wrong. So I
kind of understand the level of control was. It's like
it'll get done and then I don't have to worry
about being judged, et cetera, etc.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
But you know what, the only person that can break
that cycle is yourself. Todcase, if you are going to
winge about your husband, I'm generalizing husband not cleaning the bathrooms,
but they do clean the bathrooms and you critique the
way that they do it hard if they haven't done
it to your standard, that's ridiculous. If you want something
done in a particular way, you have to do it,
(30:32):
Like why should someone else do it in a particular
way that's yours if they wouldn't do it if you
weren't there.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
That was the biggest positive thing that I learned early
on with Charlie and I when we moved in together.
It was like me basically being like, oh, just do
it because you're not going to do it properly. But
the more he did it, the better it became, you
know what I mean. It was because I wasn't letting
him have the same I do it to do it.
And it was such an important lesson because it's like,
(31:00):
how are you supposed to learn if you're not given
the space to do it? And if what you're doing
is being critiqued. It doesn't inspire you to clean more.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
And also maybe they have a different way of cleaning,
and maybe they'll still get there in the end that
you might have done something a little bit differently, but
who cares.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Totally. I've got an example for that. When I cook,
I clean as I go, so literally the last thing
that will be done is I just put the plate
and that we ate off into the dishwasher. Charlie was
a disaster. There'll be shit everywhere, pots, pans, blah blah,
blah blah. If you see him cook today, he cooks
exactly like I do. Really like he's seen things right
(31:37):
because he's just learned. He's like, oh, because we're in
a small space, Like I've always lived in a small space,
always had tiny kitchen, so I have had to, out
of necessity clean as I go, whereas he's grown up
in houses and there's like space to kind of put
things and then do a big clean band, you know.
So it was really interesting and I haven't even mentioned
to him, but just seeing him learn that, being like, oh,
(31:59):
this is a better use of space is actually But
if he hadn't learned, the end results still would have
been that the cooking and cleaning was done totally. You know,
like I wasn't critiquing him, but it was interesting to
see that you kind of do naturally pick up on
things anyway.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
So if you just sometimes because Luke's you, he will
clean as he go and I'm Charlie, I'm a disaster.
I've never learned. But you know what, everyone still eats
and Luke then cleans the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah, yeah, totally totally.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
So maybe that's why I'm just like, I'm not cooking
and clean and I've always lived in pretty small spaces too.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Have you heard about this theory lately that someone said,
if you cook, you have to clean.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my time.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
And it was a big uproar because everyone was like
absolutely not, like what is the argument pro I think
it was like a TikTok video that was like, well,
what if you're a person that uses every single pot
and pan, and it's like, well, you're the person that
ate it and didn't have to do anything, like the
least you can do is tidy up exactly. I think
it was just someone trying to go against the grain
and create a whole internet baiting basically, yeah, and everyone
(33:04):
fucking took the bait because I was like, absolutely not.
Who did you grow up with?
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Yeah? Anyway, And also then you have a discussion and say, please,
don't cook things where you use every single one and pan,
Like Luke, sometimes I'll make things and he'll be like, seriously,
could you at least have put baking paper down? And
I also, on that note, think like, don't also try
to control what they do with your kids or how
they parent, Like, as long as your values are aligned,
(33:31):
it's okay that their parenting style is.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
I love it that.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Yeah, that's something I've had to learn as well. And
Luke and I have discussed a lot with the marriage
counselor because our parenting styles are actually very different, but
our values are the exact same.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Yeah, So at the end of the day, we just
want Lenny to be like a well rounded person.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Same outcome, different journeys to get exactly right.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
So and same with the cleaning. Don't be a marter
and say you haven't been away for a girl's weekend
in years, books thing, your partner is perfectly capable of
looking after their own children without you.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
On the calendar book something.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
It's interesting, isn't it. Because I've made friends with this
chicken daycare and her kid is just about to turn too.
I just what to do on the weekend. She's like, oh,
you know, I went on this girl's surfing trip. It's
the first time I've left my son. And I was like,
in two years and two years, wow.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
I'm good on her for finally doing something totally.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
But then I just thought to myself, like, Charlie and
I we with no family, really insane. I've got my
brother and sister in law, but they also had young
kids at the same time, so you're not just like
dropping your kids over when they've also got young kids.
But we've managed to have some time away, you know,
because it's been really important. I just think, like, you
have to, you have to, you have to and do
(34:49):
it sooner rather than like, and it.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Doesn't have to be a mini break like. Obviously, finances
are different for everyone. Once a week go to a
walk by yourself or with a girlfriend. You need to
carve out time for yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
It's super important.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
I will continue to shout this from the rooftop. You
chose to have your children with someone they are perfectly
capable of looking after their own children and if they're not,
get out of there.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Yea freelancing I have to do a lot of work
on weekends because I need to have it on more
days of daycare than I currently do. But next year
we will. But I love, like my favorite thing is
like Charlie will take her for a whole Sunday so
I can work. Same favorite thing is seeing what they
get up to.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Same but they have so much fun.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
She comes back and she's like Chippy.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
You're like great.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Charlie's like I told you not to tell mom, but
just like seeing the fun stuff that they do out
at restaurants.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Like at the park, like Eyelayground.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
That is so amute because I get that on my
days with her, right like my Thursdays, my Fridays. That
is it like we have our things that we do
together him having that time where they're doing like their
secret things and.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Eating Chippy and bonding, having a special time.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
It's so And then all the cute videos at night
before we go to bed and they're like hilarious, Like
it's actually awesome to see it.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Shout out to any other freelancer Hot Tip Sundays are
the best days to work because no one emails you back.
So when we put it out to the shitters, eighty
six percent of you that responded said that you were
the primary parent, and the rest said fifty to fifty.
So no one that responded said that they weren't.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Oh wow.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Seventy six percent said that they thought the load, which
considered as household chores, life admin, financial contributions, childcare, and
time with friends was equally shared in their partnerships. That's
a lot of people that don't feel like it's currently fair.
And then I felt like, I'm going to read out
a couple of responses that we can have a chat
(36:48):
about that just sort of like summed up the vibe
of a lot of the different responses, and then we're
going to go into tips and we'll also share heaps
of them on socials because there were some great ones.
Oh I love that someone has written household and garden
chores essentially all completed by me due to being the
one who is at home more. I work two to
three days per week, husband is full time. My husband
(37:09):
out earns me considerably, but I still struggle with this
being fair. That said, he does try to cook a
meal when time allows.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
It's hard, right.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
It isn't fair. I will tell you right now. Because
your husband is working five days a week, you are
working ten days in seven days, because you are working
your two to three days plus seven days full time,
if you're looking after everything, and if you're.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Working at homeme, you're often like you.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Do the admin, I do the washing and yeah yeah,
because no one wants to do washing on the weekend.
And it does make sense when you work from home. Yeah,
but it's not fair and you do need to be
putting some more boundaries in place. I would say to
things that you're working.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Also, I argue that like going to work and working
for someone mate, there's good bound in a workplace such
at this time you're meant to have a lunch break,
you can go out for coffee, conversation at the water wall,
you know. But like it's good healthy boundaries in place
at work you don't really have you get to sit
(38:14):
down and eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's actually quite a treat.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
So I just I really think that well, I would
like to acknowledge you and tell you that it isn't fair.
Your feelings are very valid. I think that he should
be contributing to the garden and household things more, because that's.
Speaker 1 (38:30):
Just not fair. That's like a weekend thing exactly.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
I do everything major, the big picture stuff, the details.
I see everything that needs to be done and organize
and prioritize it. This is constant and never ending. I
can't even get my partner to help out with things
I've assigned to him. Over a month ago there was
a big storm and I'm still waiting for him to
even get into contact with a rufer. He forgets important
things if I don't help pack for the children, and
(38:56):
if he takes them out their stuff forgotten. Yes, I
have tried him to do it alone.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
I will say though, that packing thing.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
You've got a great tip though, Yeah, you learn fast
and you have to.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Let them fail. Like and this is what my girlfriend
said to me. Charlie booked a flight just an annoying
time when you've got a little kid, and I was
like bitching about it on the phone. Tour this was
like early days. I'm like, this is right in the
middle of a nap time, Like this is going to
be fucked getting there. Brah brah rah. He wanted to
leave really late, and I was like we're I miss
a fly. Like this is so annoying. It's like, let's
(39:30):
just get there and be chilled. Yeah, she was like,
if you miss the flight, you missed a fly.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
But then the lessons learnt, like yes, don't like try
to control everything, just like, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Annoying in the moment, but that's the lesson, Like that's
the actual real life lesson of it. So it is difficult.
But I mean, what are you going to do? Live
with the leaking roof for another six months? Like that
should be making someone, yeah, to call a roofer.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I don't actually know how she can fix this one.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
It's always a conversation.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Lock him outside until he does. Maybe I'm a little
bit of a fan of sometimes a little bit of
gentle bullying.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Sometimes it could be like, hey, sending a link to
you've just googled, like roofer in the area sending the
link to the search results.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
FAYI just be like, hey, you then having to take
the mental load though it's annoying.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I want him to have called it six months ago.
I have a better idea, all right, tell.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Me tell me unhinged advice with kel all right, look
settle in, all right, The thing with the roof. What
I want you to do is get a bucket and
place it next to the bed, his side of the bed,
and when he gets home, just be like, oh, I
think the roof's been leaking in our room. I've put
a bucket in there. Should be all fine, but not sure.
(40:45):
Make sure that you've poured water all over his side
of the bed. I'm stop laughing, I'm deadly serious. Okay,
this is how you get hit done. Yeah, okay, that
is how I want you to deal with the roofs situation.
They're not packing the children's bags properly. You need to
actually go away and let him fail miserably. Yeah, so
(41:08):
you need to book like a weekend away and not
help with anything. He's a grown up. He will have
to problem solve in the end. So if he leaves
the house without nappies, without snacks, whatever it is, or
the children are like half dressed, his problem. There's shit
all through the car, there's vomit all through the car totally,
kids are screaming because they're hungry. He will deal with it.
(41:29):
The children are not going to be unsafe. Yeah, he
will deal with it.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
And there's so many times where I've forgotten stuff and
I'd had to dive for it when I've been out.
There's actually a really good episode of Bluey about this,
when the dad's looking after Blue and Bingo or whatever
and they're going to the beach and I get to
the beach and then they're like, Dad, where's the sunblock?
And he's like, oh, and he's like, forgotten everything? Where
am I? Rashi? Did you bring it?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
No? Then nod they really bring sunscreens?
Speaker 1 (41:57):
Oh no, I didn't.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
It's okay, that mean sounds to feed.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Yes, we do.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
We'll just have to stay in the shady bit and
we'll put our hats on what hats.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
It's obviously a thing, but I think the way that
you learn is definitely through failing. And the thing is
we all failed in that initial newborns exactly. Yeah, it's
just that we continue to fail. Yeah, but because of
the primary carers, we've just gotten really good at it sooner.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
And we do things like listen to podcasts, read about things,
so we sort of got a little bit more prepared
when it comes to some stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Like I
just think you probably need to really take a step
back and relinquish control and start letting him fail. Also,
maybe consider marriage counseling because I personally found that very
useful having discussions about this. Yeah, but a huge fan
(42:40):
of passive aggressive things like drenching his bed.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Or sending a Google link of search results the roofs
in the area if you don't want your bed to
get around.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
I have to do everything because my husband always does
a half us job. He says he tries, and I'm
starting to wonder if he's just got clean slash tidy blindness.
I literally see him try and it's always bad. Or
maybe I have two high standards. His idea of helping
always leads to more work and I end up fixing
what he's done. We're talking basic things like scrubbing the
(43:09):
toilet and leaving the toilet like he's attempted it with
a toothbrush for ants.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
Sorry, I got a visual of the toothbrush for ants
and what it would have left behind. Can I just
call out the first thing.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And then we'll come in with Kell's unhinged life.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Yeah, the like dirt blindness or messy blindness not a thing.
I read a study recently. I had like four hundred
men four hundred women, and they showed them pictures of
a messy room, and spoiler alert, they both see the
same mess. Like it's not a thing.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Don't you think though, that sometimes unless you're looking for it,
you don't notice though, Like I have realized in the
past week that my walls are foul, but they would
have been foul for a long time, but I've only
just noticed.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Yeah, I think that's different because that's like a thing
over time. But it's more like dishes in the sink,
clothes on the floor, Like everyone sees the same mess.
I think it's just like this old shtick stereotype that
it's like all men don't see mess and women do.
It's a very like convenient gendered stereotype that's happened. So
first of all, he sees the mess.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
Yes, we just need to lower the expectations.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
Yeah, And like if he wants to clean the toilet
with an ant's toothbrush.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
Which I don't believe, and if that's actually the case,
send him to cleaning school.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
I think in this case, like I know we have said,
like let them figure it out. I think that if
they have never been taught how to do something to
the level of what she's indicating, maybe it is like, hey,
let me.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
Just show you how I like it done. I know
that you probably.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
Wouldn't do it that like just be like, hey, I
just want to make it easier for you, Like I
have cleaning products that I use, like bleach for instance,
in the bathroom does wonders right, it's so strong, so powerful,
and it cuts the cleaning time in half. Like approach
it more of like a let me show you because
I feel like you could do the way quicker and
easier and more effectively. Like maybe just like flipping the
(45:05):
approach of how you're doing it, because sometimes.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
Some it sounds like he's actually trying.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
And it sounds like he's a bit like he's just
a bit lost, like he doesn't actually know how to
do it. Some people don't know how to clean because
they haven't had to do it their whole lives because
they've had.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
People looking after them. Yeah, it's codent, but let's help
him get better. I do all life admin, even my
husband's life admin. He often texts me or random week
days asking if we or even he has any plans
he's committed to on the weekend. Sounds like, Luke, did
you did you write this in and pretend that it's
(45:40):
from someone else. It's hard, right because I think that
if you're organized, And.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
Also to me, that says like maybe he just thinks
that you're the leader of the pack, like he feels
maybe he has to ask you if he can do
stuff as well. Like it's a little bit of that.
Like Charlie will message me sometimes and be like, hey,
can I do this on this day? And I'm like,
check the calendar, do permission, commission because then it makes
me feel like I'm the ruler of your life and
(46:07):
they make your fair really shit. He's like, no, I'm
just I just want to like run it by you, like.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Then say hey, did we have anything on this weekend?
Because I would like to go out with the boys,
not can only go well with the boys. I am
not your mother.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
I think it's the delivery right. So it is hard
though because I feel I feel like I'm the husband
in the situation.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Because Charlie does admin.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
But I think some people are just more hopeless. It sucks.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
There's always a more organized person in friendships relationships. I
don't know if this person minds. They haven't said yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
And I think it can be okay if it's.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Evil like they take more like make sure that if
that's the way that your relationship is set up, that
he's taking more physical mental loads.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Yeah. Yeah, Like example, I'm really good at gift giving,
so Charlie will be like for someone and who family,
He'll be like, oh, what should we get? Blah blah blah,
and I'll tell him what my idea is and he'll
execute it.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Oh do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So, like I think instead of because I would always
be the person figuring out the gifts and everything, but
obviously I'm getting busier and busier. He's like, I can
do it. I just need an idea of like what
to get them. So I think if you're kind of
approaching it more on a fifty to fifty, like maybe
him asking you is okay, it's still mental loading, but
(47:28):
at least it's like, I don't know, it's a tricky one.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
I just think you need to make sure that you're
getting him to carry the burden of some things if
that's what you're carrying.
Speaker 1 (47:39):
If he just needs a little bit of a help,
but maybe make it a verbal help rather than like
an actual like doing the job for him.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
Last one, my husband would say he works full time
and I work part time, so everything else gets left
to me, and I would just say.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
What a douche. Yeah, that's not okay because, like I.
Speaker 2 (47:56):
Said at the start, that means you're working ten days.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
Raising children the household. That's a job. That is a job.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yeah, And people that do it just that, Oh my god,
they are actual heroes. My best friends, the ones that
I was away with. One of them does work two
days per week or one day per week and the
other one doesn't. They both have three kids. My god,
they are way busier than I am all the time.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Oh, it's crazy. To run a household, right, is a
lot a lot of pressure, a lot of like juggling
of balls. And I think I read something recently that said,
if we were to put a dollar, like a pay
a salary to women who are running households or whatever
parent is, the stay at home parent, it's like two
hundred k. So it's like, come on, like the number
(48:48):
of hours you're putting in two hundred k, Like that
should give you a good example of how much weight
it has to it that work. Exactly, because every single
successful man who's able to have kids has only been
able to do that because he has a wife that's
there to support him, right.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
And I know a lot of men that actually would
say that, and a lot of women that would say
that about their partners. Yeah, I also just love someone contributed.
I don't think you can share the load. I think
females genetically carry the mental load more than men. Doesn't
mean you can't delegate to help even things up. I'm
also against the whole let's shame our husbands for not
thinking about stuff. Sis. If you can't manage it yourself,
(49:27):
just help. No one needs to be a matter kind
of like this.
Speaker 1 (49:31):
Oh it's a little bit of me, a little bit,
A little bit if I totally get it. It's hard because, yeah,
women talk about it, but we've been conditioned to think
about it from such a young a exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
And I feel like this lass is the sort of
lass that packs her husband lunch and is quite happy
about it. I think she's like meal prep Sunday type person.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
Shit.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
She also does pilates and makes kids birthday cakes from scratch.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Don't don't I want her to help me with my life?
Can you come and take on my mental load too?
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Tips? First one is do online groceries and both have
the app installed on your phone so that you can
both add things to cut when you need.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yes. A few friends have mentioned this to me. Genus
love it. Genius, absolutely genius.
Speaker 2 (50:22):
Also having like a shared notes app, you know, if
you both have an Apple you.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Can have one.
Speaker 2 (50:26):
Yeah, and shared album folders. You could both put photos
of the kids in.
Speaker 1 (50:30):
It's so smart.
Speaker 2 (50:31):
You just both put things on the notes app like
hey blah blah blah. Joint calendars, splitting.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
The load like joining together. Yeah, having one list, one
thing for everything.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
Have joint email accounts for the kids so that you
can both just send stuff relating to the kids. Yes,
that email address.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
Shout out to my girlfriend Sarah. She told me that
she did this recently because it would always be like
whose birthday party is at? What are the details? And
she's like, check the the moms are sending it to
me because I'm the mar So they just have like
a family email that everything goes in there. That's so
really clever, really clever. I love that.
Speaker 2 (51:07):
There are those cards that a lot of people suggested.
I forget what their card, but they're like task cards
and you basically go through them and divvy up who
does what and then that sort of gives you a
better understanding of is it fifty to fifty.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
But called fair play.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
From what I've heard, they're really not equal, Like taking
the bins out is not the same as daycare.
Speaker 1 (51:29):
No, but the point of this card game is for
it to be a visual of how much people do.
I think it is really helpful because sister in law's
done it. Actually, Lucy did it with her partner John
just because well when they started living together, because it
was like everyone like, mental load is not unique to
(51:50):
people that have kids. It's people sharing a space that's
actually see even your roommates, like.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
You can do the fair play card roommates, Like if.
Speaker 1 (51:58):
You're sharing a space with someone, multiple people, it's really
good to be able to do this. And it's just.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Basically we'll link them in the show notes.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
Then it's flagging, Hey, you might not realize that this
person is doing xyz, and it makes you think about like, okay, yeah,
you have to do the car registration that's once a year. Yeah,
but I'm doing the rent which is every week every month,
all week.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
Yeah, okay, So it opens conversations as well.
Speaker 1 (52:23):
That's the thing that's important about it. Yeah, the fair
Play card game will link it.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Another tip is to share the load with friends. I
really love this, Like if you live close to people,
like you know how you were saying, next year with
the new baby, Yes, you're gonna get your friend to
share the daycare drop off.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
We're going to try and split that. So just to
make it a bit easier, like I can take them
in the morning and then maybe Beck can pick up
the girls in the afternoon.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
I've heard about families like when a group of them
all sort of live quite close or within the same suburb,
they'll pick different nights and look after dinner that night
and then just do drop offs.
Speaker 1 (52:58):
That is so good. That's village. That is that getting
back to village, Like I love that.
Speaker 2 (53:04):
And also then you're always eating like different yummy things
and you only have to worry about cooking or thinking
about what to eat one night a week.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Well, my sister in laws always like, just drop real over,
just drop her over, because now a good age. She's like,
it does not affect me whatever, I already have two. Yeah,
and the girls kind of just like want to play
with her, and then that keeps them more entertained than
if had it just been them too.
Speaker 2 (53:24):
Yep, I totally get it because of the third person,
and you've.
Speaker 1 (53:26):
Got it obviously with your sister as well and her.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
Kids, like yeah, when they're not at an age where
the three is easy. Lennie's just a lot more work
than both of hers, to be fair, he's so cute,
he's like kid. He's just a very busy, always very busy.
Communication is key. I've learned to not expect my husband
to know what I'm really wanting or needing to be
done around the house. Yes, instead of getting frustrated, I
just need to speak up and ask. Absolutely, he's always
(53:50):
happy to help when I do make her request. At
one stage, we tried to make a more formal type
document dividing up tasks, but didn't work for us. We
have two kids now and that's de only forced to
more even load, specifically around bedtime. He takes the toddler
and I take the baby. We really just try to
divide and concob with everything.
Speaker 1 (54:08):
A lot of my girlfriends have said that I have said,
wait to you have a second it's when the husband
will generally parent, oh oh god, which is annoying, but
obviously that's just like a low generalization thing. But they
have to right because you are not an octopus.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
And you physically cannot be in a million different places exactly.
And I also think that it's about giving the person
the benefit of the doubt that they're not a mind reader,
and there is potentially like sometimes when I get cranky
about some things, and I'm the only one that ever
thinks about these things. Yeah, they're things that interest me.
(54:44):
Luke would say the exact same thing. I could not
tell you who is our car insurance. I couldn't tell
you how to read your car. I could not tell
you how to contact the strata if I wanted to
sit in on a committee meeting. To me, i'd ever
think about that. So of course it's not part of
my mental light. So I just assume that I've got
the bigger mental load. But it's when you maybe those
(55:06):
cards are a great idea for everyone.
Speaker 1 (55:08):
They are curl. I think I would like to do
them with Charlie, just to like and do it in
a fun environment.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Like don't sit down with like spreadsheet open as well.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
No, like have a wine, have a little cheese board
or whatever, like make it fun and flirty, don't make
it Okay, there's nothing flirty about discussing chores, Key, but
I'm just saying, like, set the toe, okay, don't don't
like get going to bed and then sit all guns
blazed you. It's important that we've been in good place
before we start this conversation.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
All right, Well, I think that we better wrap things up,
but we will put heapes more of the tips on
our socials so you can easily access them. Please make
sure you rate and review us and let us know
what you think. You can find us at Kiri's at
Kelly Underscore, mcaren at SSR dot pot.
Speaker 1 (55:58):
This episode was produced by I Ask Your Unhinged hosts
Key and Kel with audio production by the bomb Ass
Woman that is Maddie Johanna. Who see you next week. Bye,
We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
on today, and it used to blow my.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Mind, Like when Lenny was little and I was still
going out all the time and still doing stuff, and
people would go, where's Lenny. Who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah,
the other person that chose to have a baby with me. Hello,
welcome back to Eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat your unhinged podcast
(00:30):
about the madness that is motherhood and everything in between.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I'm Kelly McCarran, I'm Kiri Cels and kel you're up
for picking pit today. But before we do that, I
did request that we do a little goal check in.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
You wanted to do an entire episode about a goal,
like a summer series bonus, but not long. I'm like, A,
it's November. We're petering towards the end of November.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Realistically, are we going to get done in the last
two exactly?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
And and B I just don't really want to because
I don't want to think about my.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Goals and that I haven't done anything well. I thought
it would be funny because I think both of us
have failed miserably at our goals.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm pretty sure one of your goals was to get pregnant.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh tiktick t tiktick boombbe tic tic boom, because it's
hard as pregnancy ever. But yeah, I took that one off.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
The list you did, and mine was like all around
my health again, I'm just not setting that as goal
next year. That has just been silly.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Maybe that's the trick, is like not actually setting it
as a goal, and then you might.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
We also didn't do our comedy classes. That was a
joint goal.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Shit, all right, it's still your peking pit.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Okay. So I'm so cheeky with my peaking pits. I
always just like chuck a few in there.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yeah, I know you do. I've noticed first.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
One the short story, my child is so ready to
be toilet trained that he took his nappy off, went
outside and shut on the ground like a dog, and
then came back inside and said, Mummy, clean up.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So this is the first time it's ever happened.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
This is the first time he's ever shut like a dog.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yes, I wonder where he got it from, like or
do you think it's just like an instinctive thing, like
I don't want to do it in my nappy and
Mum hasn't given me any alternatives.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'm just going to I don't know. I think maybe
he just thought it was a good idea. He has
same Percy do it a lot. Well.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
I thought he would have done it in a litter box,
to be fair.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
No, Percy does it outside.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh, so that's why.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
He's just following Percy's anyone trying to help, trying to
help him. It's just like, what indicator of how lazy
I am?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Can I just make you feel better? I know a
lot of people who will put it off because it
is a very hard thing if they're not ready, But
this is he's so ready. He's ready now, so I
don't think it's going to be hard.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
No, it's just that I just need to actually knuckle
in and do it. And he he is so ready
it's not even funny, like he knows exactly what he's doing. Yeah,
but he he just won't do it on the potty.
He will do it everywhere else but the potty.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Can you put the potty in the lounge like when
he's doing and start.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yes, and then he'll go and sit on it. But
then he'll get up and go to a spot on
the rug and do a week.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Oh that's really annoying.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
So annoying, And I know that he will get there,
I know, but I'm just like the other day, I
just thought, really, are you a dog, to which he
responded with woof, as he does. The other pit is
that Luke's friends are just like, they don't listen to
(03:36):
the pod because they hate me.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
So what, No, they don't, they actually do.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
They're just like, but ah, to be.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Honest, yeah, I'm just thinking about the wedding speech.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
See the best man's speech hated me, clearly hated me.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
He can't say that at a wedding.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Basically, there's been a bit of a situation where heaps
of Luke's friends are all going away together. I think
at the moment on it like a big family group holiday,
and Luke asked them, like ages ago, if they wanted
to go on a big group trip your joke, and
none of them said that they could. So that's why
(04:14):
we went to Bali just us, which you know, love Bali.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Yeah, it was great, but.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Then for him to find out that they've had this
planned for seven months, that's really.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
That makes me really upset because he's.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Such a good friend.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
So what's the issue, then they don't like me.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
You don't exclude people. It's schoolyard bullying and it's ridiculous. Yeah,
and they made it worse by lying and saying that
they did talk to.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Him about it, so they tried to gaslight him.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Exactly, which I just think is so much worse. Just say, oh,
we don't like cal we just don't want to go
on holidays with her. Be honest.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
The wives or the girlfriends are the partners, Like, do
you get on with them? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
I genuinely could not care less if people do not
like me. Yeah, but I feel so bad for Luke
and he's now being excluded for such a silly thing.
And I mean, if maybe it was just the holiday,
maybe I could be like, oh, yeah, it was a
simple mistake. Because one of them also said, oh, I
told Kelly about it, and I was like, you absolutely didn't.
(05:14):
I've got the world's best memory.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Yeah you can't.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
That's one person you can't trickery. Yeah with about did
we talk about it. There's been a lot of things
over the past year where we're clearly excluded, and it
just sucks for him.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Is he quite sensitive?
Speaker 2 (05:34):
No, he's so easy going, So I think at first
he was like a little bit hurt, but then he
was like, oh, they said it was a mistake. It's
not like it's fine.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So you don't like your friend's wife, but do you
not like your friend as well?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Exactly? Well, the thing is they still hang out, which
is why I'm like, I know it's me.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
So where did they go?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
They've gone to Fiji?
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Yeah, I know, big family resort.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
That is so mean. Does Lenn get on with their
kids so well?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
And that also breaks my heart because that's like another
level of like fuck or excluding poor little let Like
there's just so many layers, like we don't have family
in Sydney. We don't have a big family anyway, we
don't like Len doesn't have that many people in his corner,
So how very dare you deliberately exclude him?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
You know what? Fucking we'll go on a trip together.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Literally, I'm just like I'm so petty that I'm like,
I'm going to plan the best fucking trips overseas next year,
and it's like I don't want.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
To go over seas again, Suck it up, We're going
on a trip. There's worse things it could be happening. Oh,
I know, poor Luke, like just poor guy Paul Len
and also poor you, because I know what it's like
to have your partner's friends not like you, and I
(06:55):
think that's more of them thinking not a thing.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's also like we've been to them for so.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Long, and have they seen you on a holiday like
I am Exactly. I don't think that you'd be annoying.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I understand that I'm very opinionated and I'm a big personality,
and so some people would find that a bit much
on holidays. I am just sitting back reading a book.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Drinking lockdown exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
They really they're missing out. Really, I am a wild time.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
That's a croc of shit though, an honest mistake to
forget one of your line.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Also, I think they forget that Luke is married to
me because one of the things that they tried to
trick him with was, Oh, we talked about it in
the group chat. It's like, give me your phone, I'll
have a look.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Get your detective hat on.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
One search Fiji. Oh, a couple of chats about this.
There someone else's holiday a couple of years ago. That's it.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, you can't be doing.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
That also, even if you did mention in the group chat,
you then follow up and go, hey, tag so and
so did you see this? Are you keen? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Everyone else has got back to me. You're the only
one who has got back, like totally.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
It's just yeah crazy anyway, Okay, peak is that me
and my two closest girlfriends in the entire world stayed
in a hotel last weekend.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I cannot tell you how jealous I was when I
saw them, and.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
It was, Oh my goodness, and it just makes me
so happy that they love each other.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Yeah so much.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Yeah, So the three of us just in a hotel room.
We had some drinks. We just did not stop talking
the entire time, and.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
It was so cute the little video like of the
view and then turning around and like I was doing
a little pos and then you were opening the champagne
and you all just looked so happy, like we all
love pictures.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
They both have three kids as well, so it's way
harder for them to sort of get.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
That time, so wonder they look so happy. I was just.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
So grateful, and it was just such a good reminder
to everyone that you just need that time, you need
your girlfriends without kids sometimes Actually.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
That you said that. I was went to a live
show with Dolly Alderton and the author and I guess TV.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
She's also a podcaster, is she not?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Yeah, she had a podcast for years, and she was
talking about how tricky your early thirties can be, because
like there can be divides in your group where some
of them have kids and some of them don't, and
it can be really rocky. But she said that what
actually ends up happening is that kids get a bit older,
a bit more self sufficient, and then suddenly you kind
of meet again and you're able to have And she
(09:31):
talked about this, like her best day being this like
long day drinking lunch with her girlfriends and then like
getting them so drunk that they will have to sleepover,
so then they have like an adult sleepert when she.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Like adults sleepovers is so far, yes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
And like that's what that just reminded me of. It's
like those moments are fleeting as life gets busier, but
they're also more meaningful.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Exactly exactly, and the time just means the world. Yeah,
So that was incredible. And I also said know to
something like in a work situation that I like, it
was the first time I've really put my boundaries at
my energy healer from BALI helped me put in place,
and I like, I turned down stuff all the time. Yeah,
(10:12):
but I turned down something i'd previously said yes too
because it was making me feel so uncomfortable and it
was so much money. But I kept to my boundaries
and I was like, no, this is making my gut
feel very uncomfortable. You're being very difficult already in early
stages not happening. And my energy healer said, she goes,
You're going to feel so uncomfortable the first time you
(10:34):
do it, but you need to stick to that boundary.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
We're conditioned as women to like please people. As freelance.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Is so hard to say no to money that you've
banked on as well, exactly money in general.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Like it, Yeah, totally, I'm proud of you though.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Thanks anyway. Yeah, so that was my peak and pitch
loves for listening. Let's get into today's episode now. I
do need to warn everyone that I'm probably gonna get
cranky oh today because nothing gets me more riled up
when it comes to parenting topics than incompetent men. Okay,
(11:11):
and women who enable shitty behavior, and for this episode
and for the sake of the discussion, we will be
focusing on a male female relationship today because everyone I
know in a lgbt QIA plus relationship does not have
to worry about sharing the load because it is another thing.
And of course there are exceptions to this rule, but
(11:32):
generally it seems to be straight men that suck in
this department.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
Yes, I think it is a generalization, but for same
sex couples, they're better at communicating, so often the resentment
doesn't build because they're addressing the issues soon.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Oh that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
But I also just want to note that not all men, of.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Course, not all men, not Luke but Charlie exactly.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
That's what I'm saying, just because they are our husbands
and do listen to the show. Look, doesn't I think
that many factors do come into play. Who earns more
the financial split can often come into play. But yeah,
of course heterosexual couples do fall more into those traditional
gender roles, and often women feel they can't ask for
(12:16):
more help because they might earn less, so they think
they're contributing less exactly, But not speaking up only builds
more resstment, and that's why relationships kind of start to fall.
Another note about this is that it's around households with
two parents. So if you are a single parent, I
just want to acknowledge that you take on the complete load.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, and well I need to buy you a beverage
this holiday season. Absolutely all right, So let's kick things
off by talking about how we share the load. Would
you like to start, because I've just been talking a
lot with the peak and pitch.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Yeah, I would say. Charlie and I pretty even with
the mental load. We have ups and downs, of course,
and we always kind of will reach a point and
have to have a conversation and kind of a bit
of a reset. But Charlie is generally the admin guy.
So the admin guy takes care of anything financial, rent bills, holidays, booking, accommodation,
(13:13):
flights he would handle. So he is the admin guy.
So if my girlfriends want to plan a weekend away,
they will contact him. Because I am not good at
making plans.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I can't tell you how jealous this makes me my
biggest gripe with my race and holiday was all. I
did it all, and I don't like doing any of
the admin. I like to be a princess for.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
Our trip to Europe. He booked all the flights and everything,
and he was like, I just need you to do
the accommodation. I was like, yeah, of course, I'll do
it easy because he knows that I'm pickier obviously with accommodation. Anyway,
do you reckon? I did it. Nah. I just kept
putting it off, putting it off, and then and then
Charlie goes I booked the accommodation and I was like,
what do you mean? And he told me that basically,
(13:59):
he just booked anything that was refundable because he knew
that I would see how bad they were and cancel
them all and make me book the accommodation.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Oh, you are so annoying.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Happened.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
You are so annoying.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Because you know on Airbnb you can book fully refundable.
So then I would just like canceled it. And he
knew what to do. He played me like a little
fiddle and I and I fell right into the trap.
So Charlie admin, guy, I'm more on the ground right,
I'm here day to day.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
I'm on the ground running.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I'm on the ground running. I'm waddling around, I'm packing
for trips. I'm doing appointments like doctor I'm doing I'm
mainly the daycare contact. So if Rue falls ill, generally
I'm the person that would be picking her up. I'm
the person who's think about extracurricular activities. I'm thinking about ballet,
I'm thinking about swimming. That's my kind of jam. And
(14:49):
if Rue really needs something like I'll be the person
to kind of research it, figure out what we need,
and then either of us will get it. But I'm
generally the person in charge of that kind of stuff
we do. You're still and if you've been a longtime
listener of ESSR, you'll know that ever since Ru was born,
we kind of had the split being like I'm primary
parent during the week and then on the weekends is
(15:11):
like my time off.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Tell the story about when you were where were you
with a group of friends and it was your turn
to have time off? But so all your friends are
looking at you just sitting back, relaxing, way.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Like Charlie attention.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Roone needs you.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Yeah, just generally on any holiday that falls on a
weekend fair enough. Obviously, ebbs and flows depending on what
we have on like if he's had a really busy
week at work. You know, we're sharing the load on
the weekends, but he will do more of like the
grunt work and do bed and bath and you know,
be kind of steering the thing of like, oh, what
should we feed roue tonight and more, taking off some
(15:47):
of that mental load so I can like have a
bit of a brain rest. He's probably home fifty percent
of the time for bed and bath during the week.
So if that's the case, like I would have done dinner,
he swoops and for bed and bath and then I
can cook us dinner. So we kind of like divvy
it up.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
What time do you guys eat dinner?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
So late at the moment, like nine, it's fucked. We
share the cleaning of the house, but he does rubbish
and I do washing, because those are like clear things
like I don't want anything to do with rubbish at all,
and I'm very particular about washing just how it's done
and everything like that. So I'm happy to do that.
I enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. That's a fucking stretch,
(16:24):
But I don't want him to do it fah feah,
even though he can and he will, like if he is,
like I'm out of jocks he'll put, you know, jocks
on or whatever. I think it's important to mention that
we do split bills proportionately to our salaries.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I've heard a lot of people do this. So say
someone who owns two hundred thousand and the other person
earns one hundred thousand, so they'll contribute like sixty forty
to the mortgage or something like that.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah, so basically our split is around like seventy thirty,
I would say, beacause I'm only working three days a
week and then I'm looking after roofe for two days.
So we still split our rent fifty to fifty. But
everything else, so we charge everything to a credit card
so we can get the points, and then we pay
the credit card off each month, and generally that split
(17:09):
is like a seventy thirty split. The split informs a
little bit of like the mental load. I would say
as well, if that makes sense. I did have to
just note at the end of this that this pregnancy
has been rough, and so Charlie has been doing probably
one hundred percent of.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Everything because Key simply cannot.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
I cannot do anything. So I've gotten a wee bit better,
But there was a good six months of me being
like unable to do most things. So he really held
it down. And I think that's the important thing about
our relationship is that like we pick up when the
other person can't. So all of this stuff, this split
and everything is very fluid, but it really hinges on
(17:50):
us communicating and talking about it. Like I think the
last kind of big thing we had was on the weekends,
we wanted to just like hang out and spend time
together as a family, and we wouldn't grocery shop right
because we were just like, oh, I don't want to
do that. It's not fun, Like let's just go fucking
scootering or something like. We wanted to hang out together,
and I was saying to him, I know, we don't
(18:11):
want to do that on weekend, but it means that
my whole week is fucked because on a Monday, I'm like,
what am I going to do for dinners this week?
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:19):
That was like the last check in that I remember,
And he was just like, oh shit, I didn't even
think about that, Like I didn't think about how much
that would impact the stress and the mental load of
your week. Not having like ticked that off the list
kind of.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Thing, and I think that that was one of the
biggest takeaways from the survey responses. So I put out
to the shit is about this and we'll talk more
about the results later, but that partners people aren't mind
to readers. Yes, So the fact that we expect them
to know what we're thinking or what we're getting angry
(18:55):
or resentful about is kind of ridiculous. And the assumption
always is, oh, they should just know.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But why Yeah, I've actually got a good example of this.
So yes, today and this is I will say, this
is something that I have really worked on.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Did Charlie ask you if you could do three things
instead of two one day?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
That's exactly it. No. So he was working late the
night before. He had a shocking sleep, you know when
you're just so wide from working, and I think he
only got to bed at three point thirty in the morning, right,
and so he was really tired. So I said to him, Oh, like,
I've got physio and stuff. I'll do the drop off
in the.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Morning on lunch. I cannot do anything else. Yeah, I'm
never gonna let you leave that one down. Anyone playing
long at home asked her if she could do something
next week, and she goes.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
No, I had to have a boundary. I have a
lunch and I have a phisio a cairo. Actually, I
will just say I have to have boundaries on this pregnancy,
otherwise I just get so strong.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
I love that for you, but I will continue to make.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Play whatever anyway. So I did that. But what ended
up happening was because Rue didn't stick to my plan
of it taking half an hour for me to like
feed her and get her to day care. I was
so late, and I was so late that I didn't
look where my physio appointment was, so I ended up
parking on the street. I got one hundred and forty
dollars parking fine when I could have parked at the
Westfield and waddled over to my phissio. When I got home,
(20:19):
the dog had pissed inside because no one had let
him out. I thought Charlie let him out. Charlie thought
I had let him out. So I'm on the blower
going did you let the dog out? Blah blah, And
I'm getting like really pissed off at him for that,
and then he's like, what, you don't need to take
it out on me, like blah blah blah, blah, and
then maybe an hour later, I was like, hey, look,
I'm just really pissed off because my morning was really
(20:40):
stressful and I got a fine and I got parking
fine and then I had to clean up all this
piss and you know how hard it is to bend
over right now? Very hard, it's quite hard. There's a
big bowling ball on my way. And he was not
a really but he said, I'm sorry, Like, obviously I
didn't know any of that had happened. I'm really sorry
that you've had such a shit morning, but it was
identifying that I'm getting really angry at you right now.
(21:02):
But he doesn't know why. He doesn't know the context
of the day. He's just like, why having such a
bitches Like it's really lost on your significant other if
you do not give them the context of why you're
at ten.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yes, you know exactly. That is such a good example.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, yeah, So what are yours do well? When you
split a route?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Contribute to things pretty fifty to fifty, yeah, like mortgage bills,
everything just fifty to fifty. And then we've just like
look after different things. So I look after fun things.
I like paying for fun things, so I'm like, I'm
happy to pay for the holiday. I'm happy to pay
for your furniture. But when he recently is like, I'm
going to redo the laundry and I'm going to put
inducted air conditioning, I'm like, you compare for that?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Shit? How the fuck you getting ducted air confort free?
We're not no, as in like, you don't have to pay.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
I'm thinking about getting him a new television for his birthday.
That's nice, but I like buying fun things. Yeah, okay,
don't like paying for boring.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, you don't want to be like I just worked
to buy and.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Air conditioner boring. Whereas that's very you know, he loves that.
He's practical, very practical, and practical practical. That's a great
new love it. So I generally look after like the
daycare admin staff and Lenny's health stuff. Yeah, so like vaccinations.
(22:27):
I asked Luke once if he even knew what a
blue book was, and he did not, and that irritated me.
He actually does take Lenny's to the doctor a lot now,
but especially when he was younger, I did a lot
of that.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
No, I'm the one that's dealing with the adnoids and
grammets and Luke just thinks that he doesn't need it
and that sort of thing. Yeah, But then I don't
want to do anything gross or boring, so I make
Luke do like the bugs. He's on bug pest control
every three months because I have I hate spiders with
a passion, spiders and needles, hate them, the bins saying
(22:58):
don't want to touch you, yucky. And then strata very boring.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, yeah, I get because it's a villa.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's a bunch of so we've got to pay for,
like the driveways and the garden. Yeah, stuff, And I
don't care about strata. Just on the he's on the committee.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
It's just so indicative of his personality to be on
the phone committee.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
The committee. Sometimes I can hear them having it and
then he'll jump on the phone calls sometimes and I'll
be like, hey, Teresa, Hey Tyler, new garage doors looking good.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
I love him so much and he's so genuine.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
He's so genuine, whereas I would simply not.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
I just love how like when I drive out, because
I'm over your house every Wednesday, it's spin day. When
I drive out, often he's bringing everyone's been.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yes, but he has to leave some out there learning
likes to bring them in.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Yeah, it's just so sweet.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
But Luke like, Aslen's gotten older, he'll do like little kickers. Yeah,
but I'm the one that's looking into swimming lessons and
that sort of thing. Yeah, I like to be in
charge of Lenny's clothes. But Luke also finds that really fine,
and that's a bit of a headbut situation.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
It seems that they're competing aesthetics.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Very competing aesthetics, and alas my son is very team Dad.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah, because Dad's got all the fun.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Stuff dinosaurs and like pockets with diggers on them yuck,
and the bloody car shoes and such. I have big
boundaries around holidays with his side of the friends and
the family. What I mean by that is I will
not look after any gifts or cards or anything. So
(24:37):
if he wants niece and nephews or sisters in laws
or whatnot to have anything on his side, he is
responsible for that. If we go to a wedding on
his side, he is responsible. Maybe that's why his friends
don't like me, because they think that I've just never
given them a wedding card or something. I don't know
what he's done because that is his domain. Resumes to like,
(25:01):
if we get invited to one of his friend's kids
birthday parties, you want to get that kid a gift,
you go do it. Okay, I'm very much so like
that's my boundary, whereas like, I'm not going to babysit you.
You're not my extra child.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Yeah, I get that. One of my love language is giving,
So on any scale, I'm like, I'll do it to
be fair.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
If I know the kid, of course I want to
shop for Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
But if I don't know the kid, I do understand
that it's a good boundary to have.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
We have a calendar, it's not that good at the moment.
We both book social things in digital or physical physical,
so it's actually needs a physical one because even when
I tell him things, he does not remember us. He'll
be like, hey, I'm going out with the boys on
Saturday night and I'm like, no, you're not. I told you,
and I've had this booked in for months. But then
he says, oh, You've got something on it every Saturday
(25:49):
for the rest of the year. I'm like, well, I
booked it in. Yeah, you and your friends need to
get I wonder why they don't like me. You guys
need to be more organizing. You can't tell me four
days before and just hope that I don't have something on.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Has he done the thing where he's been first and
you've been like, because that happened, Charlie like learned that
lesson pretty quickly. Like he puts stuff in the calendar.
I'll see things and I flip over to on your month,
and I'm like, oh, oh, sir, so good.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Organized though it genuinely wouldn't bother me though, because I
just would take lan yeah right, not go, or i'd
ask for help.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
I think the calendar goes through stages where it's really
good and really bad. Honestly, it's just like it's with anything, right.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
It's just that Luke doesn't use it until four days
beforehand because boys tend to be quite unorganized social activities,
where girls are like, let's lock in our Christmas line.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
There's four months in advance, especially because everyone has most
people have kids now that it's like.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Oh, even before we were always yeah, and both of
us have like quite active social lives, me probably more
so than him. I just thought like, and I you know,
as I've said, at the start of the episode. Social
stuff is very important and that time with your friends.
And it used to blow my mind when Lenny was
little and I was still going out all the time
and still doing stuff, and people would go, where's Lenny,
(27:06):
or who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah, the other
person that chose to have a baby with me.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
It's an interesting thing because I reckon, if Luke had
been socializing or whatever, do you reckon, anyone would have
asked him where Lenny one was. I don't actually think
that people would ask the dad that because the assumptions
like they would know that of course Lenny was with Kelly.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Baby is fine.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
But for some reason, it's like the first thought isn't like, oh,
the dad's with the kid that they both made, that.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
They chose to have it together. Yeah, dinner. I tend
to cook more because I'm better at it.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, and you even cook meat for him, which is
so nice. As a vegetarian, I always have to cook
it for Lenny.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, both, but I did even before Land I've always
cooked meat. But then Luke does way more of the
cleaning and stuff like that because I just don't care
about cleanliness really or tidying more so tidy, and then
I just do chores list. At the moment we've got
one on the table. When things are getting out of
control with like spring cleaning stuff, we've got chores list.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Oh I like that, and.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
You just have to like make sure it's pretty even
and then you just cross it off.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
I love to do that.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
A lot of the time. It's not that men are incompetent,
you know how You're like, it's a bit of a generalization,
not all men, and I completely agree. I don't think
that men are all incompetent. It's that women allow them
to be incompetent and enable their shitty behavior because they're
trying to control everything.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
But I also think there's another factor on this. Yes,
I agree with that, but I also think it's external pressures,
right because I feel like, say, the man is in
charge of something that's not done to this certain standard.
I think the woman is stressed out about how like
external judgments on that. But why the assumption that men
(28:54):
are allowed to be messy and women aren't.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Am I a bloke, I just would never think that.
I do not think that because I'm a woman, the
assumption is that I'm clean no, but like.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
The assumption is that you can't be untidy. Remember when
you put that video up, being like, oh my god,
this is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
This is me who's like usually water off a duck's back.
I end up having to message them and be like,
can you please like turn comments off? This is awful because.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
People were so nasty and all I saw was, oh
my god, thank god, there's another one of me out
there for context. Cultoka social video just showing that house
silly like.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
It was people were doing, you know, this is my house.
I was basically just doing a silly like this is
actually our house in the exact moment. It is a disaster, Yeah,
because no one ever shows what a real messy house
can look like sometimes totally and the comments or from
women exactly That's.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
What I'm talking about, right, There is a lot of
judgment on women.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
That's a really good point.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
You keep a tidy house to keep on top of
gift giving, Like, there's all of these things that ultimately,
if it doesn't happen, a woman in the relationship is
going to feel like they've done something wrong. So I
kind of understand the level of control was. It's like
it'll get done and then I don't have to worry
about being judged, et cetera, etc.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
But you know what, the only person that can break
that cycle is yourself. Todcase, if you are going to
winge about your husband, I'm generalizing husband not cleaning the bathrooms,
but they do clean the bathrooms and you critique the
way that they do it hard if they haven't done
it to your standard, that's ridiculous. If you want something
done in a particular way, you have to do it,
(30:32):
Like why should someone else do it in a particular
way that's yours if they wouldn't do it if you
weren't there.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
That was the biggest positive thing that I learned early
on with Charlie and I when we moved in together.
It was like me basically being like, oh, just do
it because you're not going to do it properly. But
the more he did it, the better it became, you
know what I mean. It was because I wasn't letting
him have the same I do it to do it.
And it was such an important lesson because it's like,
(31:00):
how are you supposed to learn if you're not given
the space to do it? And if what you're doing
is being critiqued. It doesn't inspire you to clean more.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
And also maybe they have a different way of cleaning,
and maybe they'll still get there in the end that
you might have done something a little bit differently, but
who cares.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Totally. I've got an example for that. When I cook,
I clean as I go, so literally the last thing
that will be done is I just put the plate
and that we ate off into the dishwasher. Charlie was
a disaster. There'll be shit everywhere, pots, pans, blah blah,
blah blah. If you see him cook today, he cooks
exactly like I do. Really like he's seen things right
(31:37):
because he's just learned. He's like, oh, because we're in
a small space, Like I've always lived in a small space,
always had tiny kitchen, so I have had to, out
of necessity clean as I go, whereas he's grown up
in houses and there's like space to kind of put
things and then do a big clean band, you know.
So it was really interesting and I haven't even mentioned
to him, but just seeing him learn that, being like, oh,
(31:59):
this is a better use of space is actually But
if he hadn't learned, the end results still would have
been that the cooking and cleaning was done totally. You know,
like I wasn't critiquing him, but it was interesting to
see that you kind of do naturally pick up on
things anyway.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
So if you just sometimes because Luke's you, he will
clean as he go and I'm Charlie, I'm a disaster.
I've never learned. But you know what, everyone still eats
and Luke then cleans the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah, yeah, totally totally.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
So maybe that's why I'm just like, I'm not cooking
and clean and I've always lived in pretty small spaces too.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Have you heard about this theory lately that someone said,
if you cook, you have to clean.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my time.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
And it was a big uproar because everyone was like
absolutely not, like what is the argument pro I think
it was like a TikTok video that was like, well,
what if you're a person that uses every single pot
and pan, and it's like, well, you're the person that
ate it and didn't have to do anything, like the
least you can do is tidy up exactly. I think
it was just someone trying to go against the grain
and create a whole internet baiting basically, yeah, and everyone
(33:04):
fucking took the bait because I was like, absolutely not.
Who did you grow up with?
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Yeah? Anyway, And also then you have a discussion and say, please,
don't cook things where you use every single one and pan,
Like Luke, sometimes I'll make things and he'll be like, seriously,
could you at least have put baking paper down? And
I also, on that note, think like, don't also try
to control what they do with your kids or how
they parent, Like, as long as your values are aligned,
(33:31):
it's okay that their parenting style is.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
I love it that.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Yeah, that's something I've had to learn as well. And
Luke and I have discussed a lot with the marriage
counselor because our parenting styles are actually very different, but
our values are the exact same.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Yeah, So at the end of the day, we just
want Lenny to be like a well rounded person.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
Same outcome, different journeys to get exactly right.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
So and same with the cleaning. Don't be a marter
and say you haven't been away for a girl's weekend
in years, books thing, your partner is perfectly capable of
looking after their own children without you.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
On the calendar book something.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
It's interesting, isn't it. Because I've made friends with this
chicken daycare and her kid is just about to turn too.
I just what to do on the weekend. She's like, oh,
you know, I went on this girl's surfing trip. It's
the first time I've left my son. And I was like,
in two years and two years, wow.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
I'm good on her for finally doing something totally.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
But then I just thought to myself, like, Charlie and
I we with no family, really insane. I've got my
brother and sister in law, but they also had young
kids at the same time, so you're not just like
dropping your kids over when they've also got young kids.
But we've managed to have some time away, you know,
because it's been really important. I just think, like, you
have to, you have to, you have to and do
(34:49):
it sooner rather than like, and it.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Doesn't have to be a mini break like. Obviously, finances
are different for everyone. Once a week go to a
walk by yourself or with a girlfriend. You need to
carve out time for yourself.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
It's super important.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
I will continue to shout this from the rooftop. You
chose to have your children with someone they are perfectly
capable of looking after their own children and if they're not,
get out of there.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Yea freelancing I have to do a lot of work
on weekends because I need to have it on more
days of daycare than I currently do. But next year
we will. But I love, like my favorite thing is
like Charlie will take her for a whole Sunday so
I can work. Same favorite thing is seeing what they
get up to.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Same but they have so much fun.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
She comes back and she's like Chippy.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
You're like great.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Charlie's like I told you not to tell mom, but
just like seeing the fun stuff that they do out
at restaurants.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Like at the park, like Eyelayground.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
That is so amute because I get that on my
days with her, right like my Thursdays, my Fridays. That
is it like we have our things that we do
together him having that time where they're doing like their
secret things and.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Eating Chippy and bonding, having a special time.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
It's so And then all the cute videos at night
before we go to bed and they're like hilarious, Like
it's actually awesome to see it.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Shout out to any other freelancer Hot Tip Sundays are
the best days to work because no one emails you back.
So when we put it out to the shitters, eighty
six percent of you that responded said that you were
the primary parent, and the rest said fifty to fifty.
So no one that responded said that they weren't.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Oh wow.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Seventy six percent said that they thought the load, which
considered as household chores, life admin, financial contributions, childcare, and
time with friends was equally shared in their partnerships. That's
a lot of people that don't feel like it's currently fair.
And then I felt like, I'm going to read out
a couple of responses that we can have a chat
(36:48):
about that just sort of like summed up the vibe
of a lot of the different responses, and then we're
going to go into tips and we'll also share heaps
of them on socials because there were some great ones.
Oh I love that someone has written household and garden
chores essentially all completed by me due to being the
one who is at home more. I work two to
three days per week, husband is full time. My husband
(37:09):
out earns me considerably, but I still struggle with this
being fair. That said, he does try to cook a
meal when time allows.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
It's hard, right.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
It isn't fair. I will tell you right now. Because
your husband is working five days a week, you are
working ten days in seven days, because you are working
your two to three days plus seven days full time,
if you're looking after everything, and if you're.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Working at homeme, you're often like you.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Do the admin, I do the washing and yeah yeah,
because no one wants to do washing on the weekend.
And it does make sense when you work from home. Yeah,
but it's not fair and you do need to be
putting some more boundaries in place. I would say to
things that you're working.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Also, I argue that like going to work and working
for someone mate, there's good bound in a workplace such
at this time you're meant to have a lunch break,
you can go out for coffee, conversation at the water wall,
you know. But like it's good healthy boundaries in place
at work you don't really have you get to sit
(38:14):
down and eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's actually quite a treat.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
So I just I really think that well, I would
like to acknowledge you and tell you that it isn't fair.
Your feelings are very valid. I think that he should
be contributing to the garden and household things more, because that's.
Speaker 1 (38:30):
Just not fair. That's like a weekend thing exactly.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
I do everything major, the big picture stuff, the details.
I see everything that needs to be done and organize
and prioritize it. This is constant and never ending. I
can't even get my partner to help out with things
I've assigned to him. Over a month ago there was
a big storm and I'm still waiting for him to
even get into contact with a rufer. He forgets important
things if I don't help pack for the children, and
(38:56):
if he takes them out their stuff forgotten. Yes, I
have tried him to do it alone.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
I will say though, that packing thing.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
You've got a great tip though, Yeah, you learn fast
and you have to.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Let them fail. Like and this is what my girlfriend
said to me. Charlie booked a flight just an annoying
time when you've got a little kid, and I was
like bitching about it on the phone. Tour this was
like early days. I'm like, this is right in the
middle of a nap time, Like this is going to
be fucked getting there. Brah brah rah. He wanted to
leave really late, and I was like we're I miss
a fly. Like this is so annoying. It's like, let's
(39:30):
just get there and be chilled. Yeah, she was like,
if you miss the flight, you missed a fly.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
But then the lessons learnt, like yes, don't like try
to control everything, just like, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Annoying in the moment, but that's the lesson, Like that's
the actual real life lesson of it. So it is difficult.
But I mean, what are you going to do? Live
with the leaking roof for another six months? Like that
should be making someone, yeah, to call a roofer.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
I don't actually know how she can fix this one.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
It's always a conversation.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Lock him outside until he does. Maybe I'm a little
bit of a fan of sometimes a little bit of
gentle bullying.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
Sometimes it could be like, hey, sending a link to
you've just googled, like roofer in the area sending the
link to the search results.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
FAYI just be like, hey, you then having to take
the mental load though it's annoying.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I want him to have called it six months ago.
I have a better idea, all right, tell.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Me tell me unhinged advice with kel all right, look
settle in, all right, The thing with the roof. What
I want you to do is get a bucket and
place it next to the bed, his side of the bed,
and when he gets home, just be like, oh, I
think the roof's been leaking in our room. I've put
a bucket in there. Should be all fine, but not sure.
(40:45):
Make sure that you've poured water all over his side
of the bed. I'm stop laughing, I'm deadly serious. Okay,
this is how you get hit done. Yeah, okay, that
is how I want you to deal with the roofs situation.
They're not packing the children's bags properly. You need to
actually go away and let him fail miserably. Yeah, so
(41:08):
you need to book like a weekend away and not
help with anything. He's a grown up. He will have
to problem solve in the end. So if he leaves
the house without nappies, without snacks, whatever it is, or
the children are like half dressed, his problem. There's shit
all through the car, there's vomit all through the car totally,
kids are screaming because they're hungry. He will deal with it.
(41:29):
The children are not going to be unsafe. Yeah, he
will deal with it.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
And there's so many times where I've forgotten stuff and
I'd had to dive for it when I've been out.
There's actually a really good episode of Bluey about this,
when the dad's looking after Blue and Bingo or whatever
and they're going to the beach and I get to
the beach and then they're like, Dad, where's the sunblock?
And he's like, oh, and he's like, forgotten everything? Where
am I? Rashi? Did you bring it?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
No? Then nod they really bring sunscreens?
Speaker 1 (41:57):
Oh no, I didn't.
Speaker 2 (41:59):
It's okay, that mean sounds to feed.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Yes, we do.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
We'll just have to stay in the shady bit and
we'll put our hats on what hats.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
It's obviously a thing, but I think the way that
you learn is definitely through failing. And the thing is
we all failed in that initial newborns exactly. Yeah, it's
just that we continue to fail. Yeah, but because of
the primary carers, we've just gotten really good at it sooner.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
And we do things like listen to podcasts, read about things,
so we sort of got a little bit more prepared
when it comes to some stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Like I
just think you probably need to really take a step
back and relinquish control and start letting him fail. Also,
maybe consider marriage counseling because I personally found that very
useful having discussions about this. Yeah, but a huge fan
(42:40):
of passive aggressive things like drenching his bed.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Or sending a Google link of search results the roofs
in the area if you don't want your bed to
get around.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
I have to do everything because my husband always does
a half us job. He says he tries, and I'm
starting to wonder if he's just got clean slash tidy blindness.
I literally see him try and it's always bad. Or
maybe I have two high standards. His idea of helping
always leads to more work and I end up fixing
what he's done. We're talking basic things like scrubbing the
(43:09):
toilet and leaving the toilet like he's attempted it with
a toothbrush for ants.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
Sorry, I got a visual of the toothbrush for ants
and what it would have left behind. Can I just
call out the first thing.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
And then we'll come in with Kell's unhinged life.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Yeah, the like dirt blindness or messy blindness not a thing.
I read a study recently. I had like four hundred
men four hundred women, and they showed them pictures of
a messy room, and spoiler alert, they both see the
same mess. Like it's not a thing.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Don't you think though, that sometimes unless you're looking for it,
you don't notice though, Like I have realized in the
past week that my walls are foul, but they would
have been foul for a long time, but I've only
just noticed.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Yeah, I think that's different because that's like a thing
over time. But it's more like dishes in the sink,
clothes on the floor, Like everyone sees the same mess.
I think it's just like this old shtick stereotype that
it's like all men don't see mess and women do.
It's a very like convenient gendered stereotype that's happened. So
first of all, he sees the mess.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
Yes, we just need to lower the expectations.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
Yeah, And like if he wants to clean the toilet
with an ant's toothbrush.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
Which I don't believe, and if that's actually the case,
send him to cleaning school.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
I think in this case, like I know we have said,
like let them figure it out. I think that if
they have never been taught how to do something to
the level of what she's indicating, maybe it is like, hey,
let me.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
Just show you how I like it done. I know
that you probably.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
Wouldn't do it that like just be like, hey, I
just want to make it easier for you, Like I
have cleaning products that I use, like bleach for instance,
in the bathroom does wonders right, it's so strong, so powerful,
and it cuts the cleaning time in half. Like approach
it more of like a let me show you because
I feel like you could do the way quicker and
easier and more effectively. Like maybe just like flipping the
(45:05):
approach of how you're doing it, because sometimes.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
Some it sounds like he's actually trying.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
And it sounds like he's a bit like he's just
a bit lost, like he doesn't actually know how to
do it. Some people don't know how to clean because
they haven't had to do it their whole lives because
they've had.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
People looking after them. Yeah, it's codent, but let's help
him get better. I do all life admin, even my
husband's life admin. He often texts me or random week
days asking if we or even he has any plans
he's committed to on the weekend. Sounds like, Luke, did
you did you write this in and pretend that it's
(45:40):
from someone else. It's hard, right because I think that
if you're organized, And.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
Also to me, that says like maybe he just thinks
that you're the leader of the pack, like he feels
maybe he has to ask you if he can do
stuff as well. Like it's a little bit of that.
Like Charlie will message me sometimes and be like, hey,
can I do this on this day? And I'm like,
check the calendar, do permission, commission because then it makes
me feel like I'm the ruler of your life and
(46:07):
they make your fair really shit. He's like, no, I'm
just I just want to like run it by you, like.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Then say hey, did we have anything on this weekend?
Because I would like to go out with the boys,
not can only go well with the boys. I am
not your mother.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
I think it's the delivery right. So it is hard
though because I feel I feel like I'm the husband
in the situation.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Because Charlie does admin.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
But I think some people are just more hopeless. It sucks.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
There's always a more organized person in friendships relationships. I
don't know if this person minds. They haven't said yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
And I think it can be okay if it's.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
Evil like they take more like make sure that if
that's the way that your relationship is set up, that
he's taking more physical mental loads.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Yeah. Yeah, Like example, I'm really good at gift giving,
so Charlie will be like for someone and who family,
He'll be like, oh, what should we get? Blah blah blah,
and I'll tell him what my idea is and he'll
execute it.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
Oh do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (47:07):
So, like I think instead of because I would always
be the person figuring out the gifts and everything, but
obviously I'm getting busier and busier. He's like, I can
do it. I just need an idea of like what
to get them. So I think if you're kind of
approaching it more on a fifty to fifty, like maybe
him asking you is okay, it's still mental loading, but
(47:28):
at least it's like, I don't know, it's a tricky one.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
I just think you need to make sure that you're
getting him to carry the burden of some things if
that's what you're carrying.
Speaker 1 (47:39):
If he just needs a little bit of a help,
but maybe make it a verbal help rather than like
an actual like doing the job for him.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
Last one, my husband would say he works full time
and I work part time, so everything else gets left
to me, and I would just say.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
What a douche. Yeah, that's not okay because, like I.
Speaker 2 (47:56):
Said at the start, that means you're working ten days.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
Raising children the household. That's a job. That is a job.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yeah, And people that do it just that, Oh my god,
they are actual heroes. My best friends, the ones that
I was away with. One of them does work two
days per week or one day per week and the
other one doesn't. They both have three kids. My god,
they are way busier than I am all the time.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
Oh, it's crazy. To run a household, right, is a
lot a lot of pressure, a lot of like juggling
of balls. And I think I read something recently that said,
if we were to put a dollar, like a pay
a salary to women who are running households or whatever
parent is, the stay at home parent, it's like two
hundred k. So it's like, come on, like the number
(48:48):
of hours you're putting in two hundred k, Like that
should give you a good example of how much weight
it has to it that work. Exactly, because every single
successful man who's able to have kids has only been
able to do that because he has a wife that's
there to support him, right.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
And I know a lot of men that actually would
say that, and a lot of women that would say
that about their partners. Yeah, I also just love someone contributed.
I don't think you can share the load. I think
females genetically carry the mental load more than men. Doesn't
mean you can't delegate to help even things up. I'm
also against the whole let's shame our husbands for not
thinking about stuff. Sis. If you can't manage it yourself,
(49:27):
just help. No one needs to be a matter kind
of like this.
Speaker 1 (49:31):
Oh it's a little bit of me, a little bit,
A little bit if I totally get it. It's hard because, yeah,
women talk about it, but we've been conditioned to think
about it from such a young a exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
And I feel like this lass is the sort of
lass that packs her husband lunch and is quite happy
about it. I think she's like meal prep Sunday type person.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
Shit.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
She also does pilates and makes kids birthday cakes from scratch.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
Don't don't I want her to help me with my life?
Can you come and take on my mental load too?
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Tips? First one is do online groceries and both have
the app installed on your phone so that you can
both add things to cut when you need.
Speaker 1 (50:17):
Yes. A few friends have mentioned this to me. Genus
love it. Genius, absolutely genius.
Speaker 2 (50:22):
Also having like a shared notes app, you know, if
you both have an Apple you.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Can have one.
Speaker 2 (50:26):
Yeah, and shared album folders. You could both put photos
of the kids in.
Speaker 1 (50:30):
It's so smart.
Speaker 2 (50:31):
You just both put things on the notes app like
hey blah blah blah. Joint calendars, splitting.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
The load like joining together. Yeah, having one list, one
thing for everything.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
Have joint email accounts for the kids so that you
can both just send stuff relating to the kids. Yes,
that email address.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
Shout out to my girlfriend Sarah. She told me that
she did this recently because it would always be like
whose birthday party is at? What are the details? And
she's like, check the the moms are sending it to
me because I'm the mar So they just have like
a family email that everything goes in there. That's so
really clever, really clever. I love that.
Speaker 2 (51:07):
There are those cards that a lot of people suggested.
I forget what their card, but they're like task cards
and you basically go through them and divvy up who
does what and then that sort of gives you a
better understanding of is it fifty to fifty.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
But called fair play.
Speaker 2 (51:24):
From what I've heard, they're really not equal, Like taking
the bins out is not the same as daycare.
Speaker 1 (51:29):
No, but the point of this card game is for
it to be a visual of how much people do.
I think it is really helpful because sister in law's
done it. Actually, Lucy did it with her partner John
just because well when they started living together, because it
was like everyone like, mental load is not unique to
(51:50):
people that have kids. It's people sharing a space that's
actually see even your roommates, like.
Speaker 2 (51:55):
You can do the fair play card roommates, Like if.
Speaker 1 (51:58):
You're sharing a space with someone, multiple people, it's really
good to be able to do this. And it's just.
Speaker 2 (52:03):
Basically we'll link them in the show notes.
Speaker 1 (52:05):
Then it's flagging, Hey, you might not realize that this
person is doing xyz, and it makes you think about like, okay, yeah,
you have to do the car registration that's once a year. Yeah,
but I'm doing the rent which is every week every month,
all week.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
Yeah, okay, So it opens conversations as well.
Speaker 1 (52:23):
That's the thing that's important about it. Yeah, the fair
Play card game will link it.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Another tip is to share the load with friends. I
really love this, Like if you live close to people,
like you know how you were saying, next year with
the new baby, Yes, you're gonna get your friend to
share the daycare drop off.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
We're going to try and split that. So just to
make it a bit easier, like I can take them
in the morning and then maybe Beck can pick up
the girls in the afternoon.
Speaker 2 (52:48):
I've heard about families like when a group of them
all sort of live quite close or within the same suburb,
they'll pick different nights and look after dinner that night
and then just do drop offs.
Speaker 1 (52:58):
That is so good. That's village. That is that getting
back to village, Like I love that.
Speaker 2 (53:04):
And also then you're always eating like different yummy things
and you only have to worry about cooking or thinking
about what to eat one night a week.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Well, my sister in laws always like, just drop real over,
just drop her over, because now a good age. She's like,
it does not affect me whatever, I already have two. Yeah,
and the girls kind of just like want to play
with her, and then that keeps them more entertained than
if had it just been them too.
Speaker 2 (53:24):
Yep, I totally get it because of the third person,
and you've.
Speaker 1 (53:26):
Got it obviously with your sister as well and her.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
Kids, like yeah, when they're not at an age where
the three is easy. Lennie's just a lot more work
than both of hers, to be fair, he's so cute,
he's like kid. He's just a very busy, always very busy.
Communication is key. I've learned to not expect my husband
to know what I'm really wanting or needing to be
done around the house. Yes, instead of getting frustrated, I
just need to speak up and ask. Absolutely, he's always
(53:50):
happy to help when I do make her request. At
one stage, we tried to make a more formal type
document dividing up tasks, but didn't work for us. We
have two kids now and that's de only forced to
more even load, specifically around bedtime. He takes the toddler
and I take the baby. We really just try to
divide and concob with everything.
Speaker 1 (54:08):
A lot of my girlfriends have said that I have said,
wait to you have a second it's when the husband
will generally parent, oh oh god, which is annoying, but
obviously that's just like a low generalization thing. But they
have to right because you are not an octopus.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
And you physically cannot be in a million different places exactly.
And I also think that it's about giving the person
the benefit of the doubt that they're not a mind reader,
and there is potentially like sometimes when I get cranky
about some things, and I'm the only one that ever
thinks about these things. Yeah, they're things that interest me.
(54:44):
Luke would say the exact same thing. I could not
tell you who is our car insurance. I couldn't tell
you how to read your car. I could not tell
you how to contact the strata if I wanted to
sit in on a committee meeting. To me, i'd ever
think about that. So of course it's not part of
my mental light. So I just assume that I've got
the bigger mental load. But it's when you maybe those
(55:06):
cards are a great idea for everyone.
Speaker 1 (55:08):
They are curl. I think I would like to do
them with Charlie, just to like and do it in
a fun environment.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
Like don't sit down with like spreadsheet open as well.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
No, like have a wine, have a little cheese board
or whatever, like make it fun and flirty, don't make
it Okay, there's nothing flirty about discussing chores, Key, but
I'm just saying, like, set the toe, okay, don't don't
like get going to bed and then sit all guns
blazed you. It's important that we've been in good place
before we start this conversation.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
All right, Well, I think that we better wrap things up,
but we will put heapes more of the tips on
our socials so you can easily access them. Please make
sure you rate and review us and let us know
what you think. You can find us at Kiri's at
Kelly Underscore, mcaren at SSR dot pot.
Speaker 1 (55:58):
This episode was produced by I Ask Your Unhinged hosts
Key and Kel with audio production by the bomb Ass
Woman that is Maddie Johanna. Who see you next week. Bye,
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