June 24, 2025 • 47 mins
Ever caught yourself mid-meltdown and thought, “Oh no… I’ve turned into my mum”? In this episode, Kee opens up about the confronting realisation that breaking toxic family patterns is so much harder than it sounds - especially when you're sleep-deprived, overstimulated, and raising a tiny dictator. She and Kelly unpack the parenting styles they grew up with, how those experiences shaped them, and the values they’re trying to pass on to their own kids. There’s a powerful three-question exercise in here that’ll make you think differently about your own upbringing, and remind you that even when it feels like you’re getting it wrong, the fact that you care means you’re already doing better than you think.
LINKS TO EVERYTHING MENTIONED
Article - Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Family Behavior Is Hard
"Pepe and the Secret Sauce" by Deana Tynan
"It's Always The Husband" by C.L. Taylor
HOSTS & PRODUCERS
Kelly McCarren @kelly_mccarren
Kee Reece Searles @keereece
AUDIO PRODUCTION
Madeline Joannou - Mylk Media
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
on today. Obviously, when you have a baby, everything is textbook,
you know, like it's like this is coming up, this happens.
But I think when you get to having a toddler,
like what the f How do I get through this?
Like it's almost like you need to learn how to parent?
(00:25):
Happy Wednesday and welcome back to Eat Sleep Repeat, new
show formatt new name, same unhinged host. I'm Kiri Cells.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
That will never change. I'm Kelly mccaren.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We are currently working on our new pod artwork, so
it's stay tuned for that reveal. Longtime shitters, We'll remember
the first budget logo we had.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
We even used the budget colors black and yellow. It
was impactful. You couldn't miss it.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Was it was, and no one else was using yellow
or black in the printing sphere. We've obviously evolved into
lifestyle now, but like we thought we were being real
cool and then we realized it's a bit budget, but
it kind of very vibe for the time.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
A little bit by low aren't we we are?
Speaker 1 (01:08):
We Are?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
We Are.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's definitely been a bit of a journey and we
do have some more news coming up, but my lips
are currently sealed. But just stay tuned. Little drip feed.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
There, all right, don't give everything away right now.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Sorry, sorry, Let's.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Do peek and pitt.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah, queen, everything through the ship. Okay, I'm up first
this week. I'm going to start with my pit. As
everyone knows, since I've had Suki, it's been a lovely ride,
with a few challenges along the way, notably getting mastitis,
getting shingles, getting sick a couple of times, and all
(01:45):
of this has had an impact on my milk supply.
So this time around, I had big focus with my
midwife and my after care on focusing on breastfeeding because
last time I was just like, had no idea what
I was doing, and the strud Will ended up very malnourished.
She was crying a lot because she was in fact,
she was hungry.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh God, isn't it great when you can laugh about things?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Oh yeah, and enough time has passed and look she's fine,
she's bouncing off the walls. So yeah, we were focusing
on breastfeeding this time around, and I did nail it.
And I nailed it. I got my supply up. It
wasn't easy. Let me tell you, Like that six weeks
of my midwife coming to see me, like I was
going to start going to stop, and she's like, everything's
going well, well, she's putting on weight. It's just the
(02:29):
fact that it's a hard slog for you because she's
supply just isn't there. We just got to get it up.
So I got it up. Suki's doing really well. And
then after I kind of had all those health things happen,
I noticed that I just wasn't feeling the letdown as frequently.
And then I started to look at Suki and as
we were kind of coming up to our four month
vaccination time, being like, I really wonder how she's going
(02:53):
with weight. She hasn't changed in her temperament at all,
Like she's still really happy and seems to be taking milk.
But I didn't feel like my boobs were getting as full,
and your boobs don't have to be super engaged for
there to be a lot of milk, and I'd be
checking and there was milk in there, but I just
felt like, you know, like you're sensing it's a little
bit off. So took her for a vaccinations and she
(03:14):
was around the seventieth percent half away. And look, obviously,
as a second time mum, I'm taking all of this
stuff with a grain of salt. We know that things
even out. Kids progress at different stages overall, if they're happy,
they've got wet nappies, they're all good, Like it's okay.
And also, was it strudal in like the tenth Oh yeah,
she was very small, very slate, if you will. But
(03:35):
sukes went from like seventy down to fifty and look,
they do plateau around three months. So my doctor was like, look,
there's nothing to worry about, like, yeah, your supply probably
has had a little dip because you've had those different
things pop up. But she's like, do not stress about
this at all, like, not one iota. She's like, she
has great neck control. Why don't you just start solids.
(03:56):
In the moment, I was like, okay, yeah, that sounds good,
and then I walked out of there being like I'm
barely eating solids, Like I'm not ready to start solids
with this girl. I cannot take that on right now.
And then I began to have a wee bit of
a spiral and for a few days I was just
very stressed out, and then because I was stressed, I
(04:16):
think my milk got even worse.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
And because when you stressed, your appetite goes down, you're
not drinking enough water.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
All of those things contribute to milk.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Exactly, and like you're just not looking after yourself even
more because you just don't have the brain capacity. Like
I get a little bit paralyzed when I'm stressed, so
you know, the things, little things like simply drinking water,
which is a huge one for my supply. I'll just
like stop drinking water and not even realize. Yeah, it
was a really rough week because of that.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
She's also not sleeping very well. She's going through a
great regression.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
It's easy slightly, but I'm still waking up frequently, Like
I'm still not getting that much sleep. Like I just
tried to put her down. She work up after fifteen minutes.
But the show must go on, you know, we just
got to keep rolling.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
But yeah, yet again, join our conversation.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah she's here. You can probably hear her gurgling in
the background. But yeah, it wasn't a great week. All
came to a head when I was like I was
convinced that she was like starving. I don't know why.
When I gave her a formula, and she has had
formula before. Charlie's given her bottles when I've been out,
so we know that she does take it, but she
didn't want it. And Charlie's like, see, she's not hungry,
she's just mad. She's just cranky. She's just crank even
(05:25):
no reason because she's baby. And she woke up on
the wrong side.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Of the bed today and you know what they do
sometimes they're little jerks.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, exactly. But I did speak to my girlfriend and
she was like, oh, the same thing happened to me
after I was sick. Like so, I actually did go
to the doctor and went on matilium to just helt
with my milk supply because just mentally, I'm not prepared
to start solids yet. I need a little bit more
time either enough.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Are you going to do the weaning thing again?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Whatever Ru's having, I'm going to put it in a
blender and give it to her.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Do you know what that sounds? Very second? Child?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Let me started so when he was four and a
half months, but that was because he was so sick.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
It wasn't a weight thing.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
It was because he was such a bad with the
reflux that they were like, oh.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
You need to start him on solids because it's good
for their reflux. But if you don't have to do it,
look weird. Why would you put that?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
I know, and I think I felt like if I
went on something like matillium, and just for context for
anyone that doesn't know, it's a medication that you can
take which helps with your milk supply, So you take
a pill every eight hours, but please see a doctor
to chat about it. I'm obviously not recommending everyone do this,
but a lot of people do it on this at
the start as their breastfeeding journey, when perhaps the milk
hasn't come in and they're giving a bit of a nudge.
(06:36):
But I felt like, I don't know, because I'm so
obviously like fed a's best positive. I felt like trying
to get my milk supply back up was me somehow
buying into the breasts best or something when it's not.
It's just like, I worked really hard to now breastfeeding
this time, through no fault of my own, my milk
suppli has gone down. I'm not ready to do solids
(06:56):
like it's totally okay for me to want to keep
breastfeed so.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Exactly because at the end of the day, breastfeeding is easier.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
It is for me at this point.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, like you don't have to heat up bottles and scoop.
It's cheaper.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
You don't, like you're trying to buy a house, trying
to buy a house exactly.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
So you don't have to when it's not causing an issue.
You don't need to explain yourself. You don't even have
to explain yourself when there is an issue. But if
it was really painful or you kept getting massed outis like,
as your friend, I would be like, hey, you've given
it a good run, but like I totally get where
you want to, Like, you've been giving it a really
(07:33):
good go and it's working really well, so I totally
get where you want to get your supply back up.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, okay, good thanks. I just was like, am I
like God.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Oh you're you know you're not breast disbsting anyone, don't
you Workay?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Thank God? Anyway, Shall we move on to the peak?
Bloody hell, I'm very hormoner, so let me try and
get through my peak without crying. I feel like I
cry every week on this plot.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
It is so funny when you were telling me about
it and you got accuwd of the car the way.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Home, like like, sorry, it's going to be another crying story.
So I have just been really just not feeling myself lately,
Like I'm obviously in that new mum rut stage of
my thing. Like you know, like you've had the baby.
Now you're out of the fourth trimester, and you're starting
(08:17):
to try and do things that maybe you did before.
And I know that my mental health is best when
I am moving, and at the moment, I'm not moving enough.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Yeah, I agree, Like, as your friend, you are not
moving enough. Like when you had ru you were out
and about. But with this it's just been such a
different experience for you.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh it has been. It's just honestly so much different.
I'm just so much more exhausted than I was the
first time around, Like there is no extra in the tank.
So but Charlie's like to make baby, let's prioritize you
just doing one thing a week of exercise, and I
think there are like a few hurdles, like with the breastfeeding,
it's like, oh, my supply has gone down, and do
I want to exercise and like what if that impacts
(08:56):
it kind of thing. So there were just a few
things that I need and he's like, who cares, Like,
just through that and then if that happens, we can
figure it out. But the one thing that I was like, Okay, well,
let me just commit to doing spin once a week,
Like there's a class on Saturday, and look, I set
two alarms, woke up to the first alarm, snooze a second,
do you reckon? I woke up? No, I woke up.
(09:17):
The class was seven fifteen. I woke up at five
to seven.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's winter. Who is out of bed at seven o'clock
in the morning.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Well, because I would have to get up at six
point thirty to get to a seven fifteen class or
six forty five, right, But to get to a six
fifteen class, I'm getting up at five thirty or five
forty five. Like that's a big difference in my eyes anyway,
So I had a choice when I woke up, when
I realized I'd slept through that second alarm, I've got
five minutes to get ready, and I had laid everything
out and then I just need to was to the
(09:48):
gym and go into close it's close and that early
in the morning, the run is really quick, right or
do I go back to sleep? And you know what
I chose? I chay yo, you chose your sibbit. I
chose myself. I was like, who cares if I'm five
minutes Like who cares if I'm ten minutes late? Like whatever,
I'm going to show up. So I managed to get
(10:08):
there and they had just started the warm up. I
set up on a bike and I was like, that's
weird that that bike is free in like the prime position.
Realized that one of the pedals was broken, so I
was like, all right, that's okay, move on to the
next bike. But I did the class and oh, it
was hands down the hardest thing I've done, Like in
so long.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
A spin class is really hard, like for you to
go hard from not doing anything that you know will
walk here or there for the past year almost.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
I don't even know how you did it.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Well, I'll tell you. Ten minutes in my legs felt
like they were like two concrete pylons, like I could
not pedal, like, but I was so in my happy place,
like I love the euphoria after spin, and I think
that's why I do still keep it in my things
that I liked do exercise wise, but in it I
(11:03):
was like, this is so hard. This is so hard.
It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But I
didn't give up, Like of course, I like made adjustments
and sat down when I needed to, and you know
when they tell you to you just like I was like, nah,
I'm not I'm not going to do it. But it
(11:23):
was so good and afterwards, I was just so proud
of myself. I was so proud of myself. There were
so many hurdles, right there was just the hurdle of
going to a class when you haven't exercised in like
a year, the hurdle of being late for the class,
getting yourself there anyway in the dead of winter, the
hurdle of just being in the class and actually finishing it.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Like so proud I.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Am too, Like I did have a little cry after,
Like I was quite emotional just about like I don't know,
I think it was just like everything came to a head.
It was like that pregnancy was really rough on my body.
I haven't been as able to move from my mind
as I'd wanted to. And just the fact that like
so much of these first four months has just been
(12:08):
I haven't done anything for myself. I've really lost my
identity in a lot of ways. My body has changed
a lot, and that's something that like I'm fine with
because I'm feeding my baby and I understand that I've
just given birth to this kid. But the ways I
like to express myself with clothing and things like that,
I don't have that joy anymore as well.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
So it's okay as well to admit that and to
speak about struggling with your body changing. And we're so
body positive, which is great, but we don't allow people
to feel the way that they want to feel or
that they do feel, because we immediately just like you
(12:48):
just had a baby, give yourself trump, which is true,
but it's also true that you're allowed to feel the
way that you do.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Yeah, I agree, Yeah, And thank you for saying that,
because it is a really hard thing. And like I
know that I'm really hyper aware of when I talk
about anything body related because you just never know where
you're like meeting someone that's listening where they are with
their body and things like that. But I think it's
still important to like acknowledge the truth in it, Like.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Because you're feeling so valid with whatever they are and
we can't just censor everything exactly.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, people are.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Afraid to talk about anything sometimes these days. Oh god,
I sound like a boomer, but you know what.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I know what you mean, though, but I think it's important.
Like I am often afraid to say things wrong because
I never want to offend and I never want to
upset people. But at the same time, like I feel
like that's a really good challenge for me to like
find a way to talk about something in a respectful
way that's like engaging and thought provoking. And I think
that hopefully it's just by talking about that, Like for me,
(13:48):
it was just moving my body makes me feel good
and everything else can come later, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Be an inspiration because it's an inspiration for me. Are
you going to go this Saturday as well?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I will go for a big walk, like at our
big park. I'm going to get out with and do something.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
When I come over to record next week, I'm going
to come earlier before we record, and we are going
to go for a walk and get a coffee together.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I love that, Okay, love it so much. Get moving
after our record. We need to do that. We need
to do that.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, I'll be like, come on, come on, girl, get moving. Okay,
you were up your turn. Oh mind of quite quick,
which is probably good. My pit is So I sent
a message to Key of this in the script last night,
and she was just dying. I was like, poor Percy,
poor Percy has got her pies.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And she messaged back, My god.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
A lot of questions. She was ques and I was like, no, no,
you must wait. Listen, it's actually not a big deal.
You just reminded me we've got to go put his
ointment on.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Oh no, even the word ointment is just like gross.
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
It's not actually a pits really, It's just like, why
is there always something with animals?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
There's always something with one other? You know what. Everything
was fine for a few weeks.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
The other one stopped urinating everywhere because she got desexed.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Great, it's great. Percy's already lost his leg.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
A few years ago that human came into the world
that started as screaming at him.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
His sister died.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Then another cat was introduced that he does love, but
she's a lot more playful, like he's a grumpy old man.
She wants to crash tackle him and oh, he's only
got three legs, the poor dolly anyway, And now the
poor bloke's got bloody herpes, So.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Okay, is he bumping uglyes like in the neighborhood, Like
how did he get her?
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Fill?
Speaker 3 (15:43):
No, it's on his lip. I don't know how he
got it though, Like he's got a cold sort. So
he's had this thing on his mouth for ages, and
we were treating it because they thought it was the
same thing that he had on his leg that they
had to then ended up taking the whole leg and
I was like, you can't take the whole face. You
can't take his mouth, guys anyway. So they've been treating
(16:07):
it like as that for the past couple of months.
But turns out they think it's actually herpes of the face.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
That is just so crazy, Like I didn't even realize
that cats could get that, Like, of course they could,
but we're not letting him just rub his little herpe
lip over everything, all right, Okay, peak, Okay, My peak
is is that Luke finished night shift.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Hellelujah, ha helujah.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
I did not realize how much it was affecting me
until he stopped my sister last week was like, I've
not seen you this happy in months.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I didn't even realize.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I'm not gonna lie. You've been Leama's abe for a
good chunk of weeks now, and it's because of that. Oh,
it was way too much when you've it was like
complete opposite the schedule that you've always known.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Like that's wild, and I work full time, Like I
cannot parent full time.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
I know that a lot of.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
People do, but I'm not used to it. Okay, I'm lazy.
I don't like to work too much, all right, I
like to relax.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Lazy is not a word that I think of when
I think of you. But I think you have a
lot going on, Like, well, you have too much going on,
I think. And then just for a switch up with
the parenting, it's like and it wasn't like you eased
into it. It was like one day you didn't do it,
and then the next day you did. For ages.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yeah, then two months of every five nights five sometimes
six nights a week. Oh, and it wasn't good for
Lenn either. Anyway, Lenny's much happier. I'm much happier. We've
been doing so many nice family things, and I think listen,
I don't want Key to get too haha about it,
but I think it's actually made me appreciate, like with
(17:52):
Luke and I have just been getting along so well,
even just little things like when Lenny's absolutely throwing down
least I can look at him and laugh about how
ridiculous he's being rather than just suffer throat by myself.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yes, yeah, yeah, well problem halved is a problem solved
or whatever that's saying is something like that. But you know,
misery love company. I don't know. It's just better when
you've got someone there to be like, you're seeing this right, ridiculous? Yeah, okay, cool,
he is.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
Actually a ridiculous human. I hope that you look. Why
is he doing this? Anyway, Let's get into the episode.
That's enough about my sappy shit, all right, let's do it.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Yeah you do?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
No, I don't you care.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
I don't care, Yes you.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Do, Welcome back to I just don't know if I care.
Our new segment where we bring you the story behind
a headline or viral video and try to make you careing, Well,
one of us is going to see if the other
one cares. Key you're up, make me cares sis.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yes, I've been so excited to have a go at
this segment because, as you know, we switch every month
as to who's going to lead it. And I was
thinking a lot lately about my parenting as I've gone
from one to two, which I've definitely shared before on
the podcast. I think like, as a first time mum
up until me getting pregnant with Suki, I always had
(19:14):
this like immense pride in breaking like generational trauma and
toxic behaviors that were present in my upbringing. And then
I met my toddler, didn't I I met my gorgeous toddler,
and it honestly feels like I'm failing every day. I
bribe her, I plead, I get upset. I have zero patients,
(19:38):
and I just didn't want to be this kind of
mum and it has really been getting me down. And
then I'm like on social media and I see these
like ninety second videos on Instagram or TikTok or whatever
it is explaining why toddlers are being toddler's and logically,
I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. Developmentally, they're you know,
(19:59):
ticking all these miles stones great they're little dickheads because
they're getting smarter. But I still react, and I then
end up hating myself because of my reaction, and suddenly
I'm in this awful, grouchy self loathing cycle of kind
of hating myself a little bit. And I was over it.
(20:22):
So I thought, well, we have the podcast and I've
got to bring something. So why didn't I do something
that might actually help myself and maybe some others listening?
Speaker 2 (20:30):
So I love that this is what you bring? What
did I bring? It's all good.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
We bring the high, we bring the low, we bring
all of it. I loved you aw one.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I thought it was really it definitely shows our different personalities.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Well, yeah, I I like to party too. I'm just
a little bit depressed at the moment. Is just a
little bit depressed to keep shouting.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
So I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
What I typed into Google was like maybe how to
stop being a toxic parent or something to that tune.
And I found this article on parents dot com and
it's called breaking the cycle of toxic family behavior is hard,
Here's why experts think it's worth it. And it was
written by Janna Pollock, so it reads every new parent
plans to do their best to raise children in a
(21:14):
loving environment. But as kids grow from babies to toddlers
to little people with their own firmly held opinions, idealistic
aims for doing the best can get lost in the
day to day grind of parenthood hard relate, and in
those overwhelming moments of chaos, toxic parenting patterns that were
present in our own childhoods, or even ones that have
existed for generations within our families can emerge. That was
(21:36):
the opening paragraph, and I just went like kind of
stopped me in my tracks. I was like, Okay, you've
got my full attention. Parents dot com. So in the article,
the writer interviews this doctor called Rachel Miller. She's like
a family therapist, and parents dot com is an American website.
I don't know if that's important, but I just thought
I pointed out. But she goes on to explain like
(21:58):
the different reasons why someone might choose to break the
cycle of toxic behaviors and the reason why I thought
it could be good for the pod, because yes, toxic
behaviors can be like as extreme as my upbringing in
like abandonment is shoes and things like that, or on
the other probably more extreme end of like abuse if
someone suffered from that, but it could also be something
(22:19):
like your parents may have been divorced or spanking, you know,
like things like that that you, as a parent now
are like, I don't want to do that. But the
issue of that is is like just doing the opposite
of what was done to you as a kid doesn't
always work. So there was a little exercise in this
which I thought was so interesting, and as I was
(22:41):
reading it, I actually like was speaking to Charlie and
I was like, Hey, do you want to do this
exercise with me? I think that actually might be really
helpful for us to kind of like recenter our parenting,
and especially for me obviously in this time of going
from one to two and kel for this episode, I
asked you to prepare some answers because I'm not going
to reveal what Charlie's were, but I'm to talk about
mine and then you can also talk about yours. I
(23:02):
thought it might be quite interesting because I thought you
might benefit from this too, because I know we both
struggle with our very spirited toddlers.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
And both of us are quite cranky at our core.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Exactly we are crank yeah, yeap. Basically, when people come
to doctor Miller's office and they ask for her help
in breaking their family cycles of toxic behavior or trauma
or abuse, she starts by asking them three questions. She
asked them first, what do you believe the parenting philosophy
was that your parents practiced? She then asks how did
(23:35):
that impact you? And then she asked, is that philosophy
currently aligned with your value system? What do you believe
the parenting philosophy that your parents practice? Well, I actually
did this for my mum and my grandparents because I
thought they were both important, because they were both impactful.
I chose uninvolved for my birth mum, which basically means
(23:56):
that those types of parents are unavailable or unresponsive and
may reject their children. Children may be left to fulfill
their own needs, and overall they are indifferent, dismissive, and
possibly neglectful. So sorry, this sounds really intense, but that
was my real experience. Yeah, for my grandparents, I chose lighthouse.
(24:18):
So lighthouse parents aim to be lighthouses for their children,
visible from afar as a beacon of stability. Freedom is important,
but so as guidance and reasonable boundaries. So overall, a
lighthouse person aims to be a home for children, providing
the tools for children to figure out their own issues.
So those were the philosophies that I was parented with
(24:40):
growing up. Hell, where did you land with your parents?
Speaker 3 (24:44):
My parents were authoritative, so supportive, responsive, and nurturing, but
also focus on setting firm limits rather than seeking to
establish complete obedience in control. They try to explain the
reasoning behind rules, discuss expectations, and listen to a child's viewpoint.
Authoritative parents are often warm, loving and encourage freedom. They
(25:07):
are consistent about boundaries and expectations with a side of
authoritarian yet right right right, which is an extremely strict
and rigid parenting style. Parents hold their children to high
standards with very little responsiveness and compromise. An authoritarian parent
focuses more on obedience, discipline, and control over comfort and nurturing.
(25:31):
What is an example of authoritarian parenting? When a parent
asked for a child to do something and they ask why.
The answer might be because I said, so.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
What what was that?
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Sometimes it's an answer when a toddler asks you the
same thing ten times in a row.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Totally, But I think that an authoritarian parent that might
be the first answer is because I said so, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
So I say it when I don't know, I'll be.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
I totally get that.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Tell me why can't I have an ice cream for breakfast?
I don't know, the bloody ice cream for breakfast.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
It's just because I said so, all right.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. No, it makes sense.
It does make sense because.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
It can't be like, oh, we need to start our
day with having a healthy meal, because then it'll be like.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
What a coffee?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah? Yeah, I see your coffee? Me that ice cream girl.
So that's the first question answered. The second question was
how did that impact you? With my birth mom having
that uninvolved philosophy, I felt very uneasy and unsure As
a kid. I really craved structure and stability. I worried
(26:36):
a lot from a young age, and I felt like
I had to as a result, grow up really quickly,
and I was often treated like an adult much earlier
than me actually being an adult. I didn't feel safe
or like I was a priority, and my feelings were
never validated. As a child, I didn't feel encouraged or
believed in. And I just wanted to note that when
(26:56):
doctor Miller says in this article, when you're how that
affected you, They say, be as specific as you can,
because basically you're trying to really understand the intention and
what the impact was, because that will help with the
exercise later in figuring out how we then want a parent.
And for my grandparents as lighthouse parents, I felt like
(27:18):
it was too much freedom, but I knew that they
always supported me one hundred percent, so there was never
any question about that. We were close and spent a
lot of time together, but they were from a different
generation and there wasn't like expressions of love, so it
wasn't like I love you. We didn't really hug. They
were very English like, very very kind of I don't
(27:40):
want to say stiff upper lip, because they had emotional intelligence,
but it wasn't like that physical emotional expression. But their
love was unconditional, absolutely unconditional, Like I knew whatever happened,
they would always be there for me, and that really
held me together. So, Kel, when you were thinking about
(28:00):
your mainly your authoritative with a side of authoritarian parenting,
how did that impact you growing up?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Well, Like, when I actually think about it, I was
very lucky with my upbringing.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Yeah, and I always knew right from wrong.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
The boundaries were always very clear being a good person
and making good decisions, good choices.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
I was always supported.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
But in a realistic way, like I wasn't coddled, yeh yeah, yeah, yeah,
but sometimes that was to my detriment. And I also
think that because when it comes to the more emotional stuff,
I'm very very unregulated and immature in the way, like
(28:48):
I still don't really express myself properly.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Stunted.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Stunted, yeah, yeah, because we weren't to talk about feelings
or yeah, and the same thing, like not a lot
of physical affection or words around that. But always very safe,
very secure, good boundaries, lots of beautiful traditions.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Like me and my sister.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Even the other day, we're just talking about because she's
ordered a new lounge and she's like, when the new
lounge comes kids, you guys aren't going to be eating
in the landroom or jumping on the l on the couch,
and I'm like, oh my god, okay, mum, Because we
always had, you know, the fun room that we could use,
but then there was the parents' lound room. We went
(29:34):
on to watch TV most of the time anyway, so
it's not like it was ever our room, but every
now and then, if it was raining, Mum would put
out this one blanket that we had and then we'd
be able to sit on this one blanket like and
have a little picnic in the lound.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Room and watch your movie.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
So little traditions like that, and all of our Christmas traditions.
And they didn't have a lot of money. But what
they did with money was they taught us if we
want some that's a specific brand or something that's outside
of our needs and a birthday, then we had to
work for it. Whether that was when we were younger
through pocket money doing chores around the house, or as
(30:14):
we got older it was you know, you turn fourteen
in nine months, you get a job, so a really.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Good work ethic.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
They would spend their money on experiences like so we
would go on family holidays, so I would never have
a Bill of Bond backpack or a quick silver backpack,
which I really wanted because everyone at school had one.
But I remember no one at school went on family
holidays the way that I did, which when you're a kid,
you don't think that that's a big deal. But looking
(30:41):
back on now, I can see what really matters and
what made my relationship what it is now with my family.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah, you appreciate them as you become a parent, which
is so interesting.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
But I would say there's the side with the authoritative.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
There's the side of being scared.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Scared as in the expectations were high.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
No, the expectations weren't high.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
It's just that my dad, being such an angry man,
was scary when he yelled, which was very easily. So
it was more so like our expectations when I look
back on it, things like we had to practice the
piano for fifteen minutes a day. That's actually not a
(31:31):
big ask, given that they paid a lot of money
for us to have a piano and to have lessons
for the piano that we said that we wanted to learn,
and he liked to then enjoy hearing how his money
was spent by making us practice for fifteen minutes a day.
Then the reaction to us if we didn't do the
practicing was very angry and loud.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
And okay, yeah, yeah, I can't understand what you mean.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
That's what I mean by being scared, just like it
sounds ridiculous. But because dad was a shift worker, like
we weren't allowed to make different noises or sounds.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
So ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
No, Like, I totally get that we want.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
To like to shower after a specific time because or
if dad was in bed, because the pipes would wake
him up, the pipes heating up.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
No, I totally get that as a shift worker. Oh
my god, Like Sush, I've got to go out and
earn the money for you to do your piano.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
You know, you bloody piano that you refuse to practice.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Okay, So third question is is that philosophy currently aligned
with your value system? I think in my case, it's
pretty obvious that it's not. And when I was thinking
about the values that I try to live my life by, all,
like what I want them to have, I think, above everything,
it's safety and love, And I want them to know
that love is unconditional and that it's judgment free, and
(32:56):
I don't want them to be scared to tell me anything.
And I just want them to have the free them
to explore and encourage that exploration, that curiosity. But I
also want them to have structure and boundaries and responsibilities
and things that ground them, because I think it's really
important to foster that kind of I don't know if
(33:16):
that independence is a little person cal I'm really interested
in your case because obviously mine is like very extreme.
So yes, of course it's going to be the opposite
of how I was parented. But in your case, to
those philosophies, the authoritarian or authoritative align with your value system.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Definitely with the authoritative.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Unfortunately, I think sometimes with my yelling, I'm a little
bit authoritarian.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I don't know is yelling considered authoritarian.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
I think everyone has a yell. I don't think it
necessarily means that, like you're authoritarian. I think it's more
in the like the actual values that you have, and
no one's perfect.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
Remember, I think that I lean a little bit towards
permissive sometimes and Luke leans a little bit towards helicopter.
I also think that I definitely fall into the attachment
style parent, which focuses on nurturing the connection between parent
and child. Constant loving care and sensitivity to a child's
(34:20):
wants and needs is paramount love and respect our fundamental
values to attachment parenting. Yeah, i'd say, like attachment with
authoritative I don't really know, Like when I think of
my values though, I don't really know how that has like,
I can't really link them to my parenting styles, if
(34:41):
that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Yeah, And that's why this exercise is really interesting, because
I don't think that we think about our values and
the teachings that comes out of this. Within the article,
they say, if you approach cycle breaking from a value
centered standpoint, what are the values you're hoping to instill
in your children, what are the values you practice in
your day to day life, it becomes clear how to
(35:02):
break the cycle by aligning your parenting philosophy with those
core beliefs. So I hadn't thought about the actual values either,
and that's why Charlie and I did this together. So
I was like, can we just pick three values that
we kind of want to center our parenting around. So
the three values we've chosen is compassion, community, and curiosity.
And when I think about those values, she's obviously three.
(35:24):
So it's not like we can be like, these are
our family values. But in the day to day when
we're thinking about our parenting, that's kind of at the
forefront and everything that I've just spoken about. Knowing what
those values are was then I looked at the philosophies
and I was like Okay, what type of a parent
do I want to be? And I think when we
first spoke about parenting philosophies ages ago on the POD,
(35:47):
I think I was like, yeah, I'm definitely authoritative, but
the philosophy that I've kind of landed on, I landed
on positive, which I did not think that I would be.
But when I read it, knowing what the values that
I want to in steady them, thinking about how I was parented,
how I felt being parented in that way, positive just
resonated with me. And it's basically that your supportive involve trusting, patient,
(36:11):
and encouraging and offer praise for achievement. It's a relationship
of mutual respect and connection is fundamental overall, gentle guidance,
consistent boundaries, parent life balance. I liked that one. And
a celebration of a child's uniqueness. So that's where everything
kind of fell into place for me. It was like,
I don't know, I think that like obviously, when you
(36:33):
have a baby, everything is textbook, you know, like it's
like this is coming up, this happens, this is how
you fix it, or you just kind of push through.
But I think when you get to having a toddler.
Like I feel like most of the conversations I have
with my friends who are toddlers are just like, what
the F How do I get through this? Like it's
almost like you need to learn how to parent a toddler,
(36:54):
and there are so many books out there, but I
just thought that this exercise was really good to just
I have a good kind of foundation and which to
a place to start with your parenting, because not everyone,
I mean, I know there are like type A personalities.
We're like, this is what I'm doing as a parent.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
This is this They've printed on the wall every room.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
They know how to do it, and maybe I'm just
like I don't know. I got swept up and everything,
like I haven't sat down and kind of like thought
about this. Like when I was saying this to Charlie,
He's like, oh, I think about this every day, and
I'm like you do. He's like, yeah, I'm so keen
to sit down and do something like this. I was like, well, okay,
I don't know, Like I just wonder if there's other
people out there who are kind of struggling in the
(37:36):
toddler phase or whatever phase it is and not really
having like any idea of where to even start to
figure out the way in which you want a parent,
because there are these sweeping names for things, and you
get it on a surface level. But I really enjoyed
the way in which this article set it up, and
that you are looking at your own childhood, identifying different things,
(38:01):
figuring out how to align that with who you are now,
what are you going to take, what are you going
to leave? And like what your values are and how
you're going to do that as a parent? Okay, kel,
what are your values?
Speaker 3 (38:14):
I was just having a look through the list that
you sent me and the ones that I think are
the most important to me and instilling them in Lenny are.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
The first one is joy, So I love that one.
Speaker 3 (38:28):
I want life to be full of pure, furious joy
in all of the adventure, but all of the mundaneities
of life, like joy should be found in every single
day in different moments.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
You know.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I want him to find the humor in darkness the
way that I do, and just find joy all the time.
The second one is caring, being good, being good at
your core, everything led with good intentions and prioritizing the
good people your family and friends who are around you.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
And with caring.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
A lot of people and a lot of our choices
are extrinsically motivated, and I want to make sure that
at his core, the majority of his choices are instrinsically motivated.
So is he doing something to be better for him,
for his family, for the future, for the wider population,
(39:30):
or is it to appear a certain way to people?
That's very important to me. And finally, courage, Courage not
also so good, not in a hero way. I've got
his affirmations on his wall and I put them. They're
like little words, and I just put them in order
(39:51):
of what I think is important. I put brave down
the bottom because I was like, I don't know. When
I think of brave, I'm like, you don't have to
be brave. If you're scared of spiders, you don't need
to go into a spider pit. But courage is very different,
and I think I want him to have courage to
be different, to chase his dreams. The courage to be disliked,
I think is very important for people. Courage to take responsibility,
(40:15):
have self awareness and enjoy life.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Courage, caring, joy.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I love those ones. Okay, So then can I ask
did I make you care.
Speaker 3 (40:29):
Well, you made me do homework, ky Reese, and I
enjoy doing it, so yes, you did make me care.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Oh I'm glad. I know it's not like a very
sexy topic, but I just really enjoyed doing it. I
enjoyed reflecting, and then I also enjoyed doing it with Charlie.
I think it's even one that you could just do with,
like whoever is helping you raise your kids, like, yeah,
your grandparents or your sister, Like, I think it's such
a nice exercise, Like we don't often reflect enough on
(40:56):
things like this, And I felt like the exercise was
very achievable, like it didn't seem too hard.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
No, no, it's not. I asked Luke to do it
as well.
Speaker 3 (41:06):
Did she I don't care about anything except family and friends.
And I'm like, okay, well, I feel like the values
that I want to instill in him encompass family and friends.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Luke, but let's say.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
Do yeah, at a high level, he's got You're aligned,
You're aligned, definitely.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
We've got to start a thread in the Facebook group.
Then let's ask everyone what their three values are. Brennie
Brown or whatever her name is, Brene oh Brene Brown
whoever came up with this list of value says that
you can only pick two, but I reckon you can
pick three.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I picked three. I had no idea. Yeah, I'm going
to link the article, the list of philosophies, and also
the lists that we use to choose our values. Off.
You can google all of this stuff, but the notes anyway, All.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Right, recommendations you go first, and then I'm going to
try to run through mine quickly because I've got four.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
My first recommendation is a new children's picture book that
was written by Dianatayan and a girl that I actually
went to school with. So cool, lovely, Yeah, so cool.
I'm so jealous that she's written a children's book and
it is so good, you guys. She sent me a
copy and Rue is obsessed with it. It's called Pepe
and the Secret Sauce. So basically it's centers around the
(42:21):
main character of Pepe and he's trying to figure out
what is in his nana's secret pasta sauce, and it's
just the illustrations art to die for. You actually also
get the Secret Sauce and there's a link you can
find out like the pasta recipes and stuff. So I'll
pop her website in the show notes and you can
purchase from the website and find out more there. But
(42:42):
it is just a really sweet book and we've been
loving reading it. My second recommendation is for anyone that
has babies who aren't walking the little ug booties from
Nature Baby. They have elastic around the ankle so they
don't come off. The most annoying thing about having babies
that obviously aren't wearing.
Speaker 3 (43:02):
Shoes, they kick their little tooties and their socks flap off.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, and you lose socks left, right and center. These
little ugs are so warm for their feet and they
do not come off because of the elastics. So look,
they are a little on the exy side considering how
quickly the kids grow. They're about seventy bucks, I think,
but they do have sales bucks. They're not socks, they're
little ug boots. But they do go on sale quite
(43:26):
often and have a look on the Iconic because the
Iconic goes on sale more often and they're stocked on there.
So I'll put both links in the show notes. Yes,
I know they're a little bit expensive, but you know
they work. And good gift, Yeah, good gift great gift.
Great gift, great gift. Okay, your turn. Let's all grab
them another beverage because we've got four recommendations to get through.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
Kel who doesn't love recommendations?
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Hit me?
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Everyone loves your recommendation. Okay. My first recommendation is a game.
It is called Crossword Master.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
You can download it from whatever app store you use.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (44:00):
I have paid for the version like the ad free
version now. I think it was like fifteen dollars for
the year. But you can try it out with the
ads first to see if you like it. You just
verse the game. You're not versing a person. It's not
like scrubble. It's crossword and it's just so good.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
There's little challenges every single day. It keeps your mind active.
It's really great.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I love that because I actually do the mini crossword
on the New York Times every day, and I wish
there were more like it's once a day. So I'd
love another option.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
I know you're not a huge gamer, but I think
that you would like this one.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
I love that you are a bunch gamer. I just
because it just brings you so much joy. That you
are just such a nerd. I love it.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
Honestly, it was gonna be my pit. Actually, how much
time I've been gaming this week? You don't want to know.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
I just imagine you with like those curved computer screens,
with your headphones on, the little games accessories, doing game stuff, just.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
Like frothing my game life. Second is a book. It's
the best thriller over it in Yonks. I feel like
I've read a lot of rubbish lately. It's called It's
Always the Husband by C. L.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Taylor.
Speaker 3 (45:10):
Just a really, really great thriller. I was entranced the
entire time.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
I loved it.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Third recommendation, Listen, it's not a recommendation for this year,
but I don't want to forget. Write it down somewhere.
Go to Glow at Sydney Zoo if you're in Sydney,
or you come to Sydney next winter. It goes for
about a month to two months. I think this year
it was on for six weeks. Imagine vivid for little
(45:38):
kids with like installation, like installations at the zoo.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
Imagine going to the zoo at night time.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
That's so cool.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
It's really cool, so fun. Lenny has never stayed up
that late before. He thought it was a real hoot.
He slept in for the next few days. I'll tell
you that he was very retaliate, but he had the
time of his life. It was just so much fun.
It was absolutely beautiful, very magical. I just think, if
you're in Sydney or you come to Sydney, please go
(46:06):
next year. Loved it and finally, I just want to
recommend it. I think we've recommended it before. Claire Stephen Substack,
So we had her on the pod a couple of
weeks ago. We're linking in the show notes. It's free.
She is one of the most beautiful writers. She writes
almost like it's poetry. But she also is very funny.
(46:27):
She's just a gorgeous, gorgeous writer. She's got great thoughts
about everything, great recommendations in her substack. Yeah, so yes,
we will pop a link to that because it's just
a little treat in you.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
It is box everywhere and.
Speaker 3 (46:40):
You can keep it on read until you are ready
to sit down with a nice cup of tea or whatnot.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Yeah. Love that. Yes, good records.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
I told you I could smash through them.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
All right, smash on, smash on, and we will do
that just now. Thank you. So much for tuning in
this week shit Is. We love your feedback, so let
us know. If there's any thing you'd like us to discuss.
How the new show format's going, we'd love to hear
it all.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
This podcast was produced by us Kyrie Searles and Kelly mccawan,
with audio production by Mattie Joannu Bye Bye
We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
on today. Obviously, when you have a baby, everything is textbook,
you know, like it's like this is coming up, this happens.
But I think when you get to having a toddler,
like what the f How do I get through this?
Like it's almost like you need to learn how to parent?
(00:25):
Happy Wednesday and welcome back to Eat Sleep Repeat, new
show formatt new name, same unhinged host. I'm Kiri Cells.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
That will never change. I'm Kelly mccaren.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We are currently working on our new pod artwork, so
it's stay tuned for that reveal. Longtime shitters, We'll remember
the first budget logo we had.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
We even used the budget colors black and yellow. It
was impactful. You couldn't miss it.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Was it was, and no one else was using yellow
or black in the printing sphere. We've obviously evolved into
lifestyle now, but like we thought we were being real
cool and then we realized it's a bit budget, but
it kind of very vibe for the time.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
A little bit by low aren't we we are?
Speaker 1 (01:08):
We Are?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
We Are.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's definitely been a bit of a journey and we
do have some more news coming up, but my lips
are currently sealed. But just stay tuned. Little drip feed.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
There, all right, don't give everything away right now.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Sorry, sorry, Let's.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Do peek and pitt.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah, queen, everything through the ship. Okay, I'm up first
this week. I'm going to start with my pit. As
everyone knows, since I've had Suki, it's been a lovely ride,
with a few challenges along the way, notably getting mastitis,
getting shingles, getting sick a couple of times, and all
(01:45):
of this has had an impact on my milk supply.
So this time around, I had big focus with my
midwife and my after care on focusing on breastfeeding because
last time I was just like, had no idea what
I was doing, and the strud Will ended up very malnourished.
She was crying a lot because she was in fact,
she was hungry.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh God, isn't it great when you can laugh about things?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Oh yeah, and enough time has passed and look she's fine,
she's bouncing off the walls. So yeah, we were focusing
on breastfeeding this time around, and I did nail it.
And I nailed it. I got my supply up. It
wasn't easy. Let me tell you, Like that six weeks
of my midwife coming to see me, like I was
going to start going to stop, and she's like, everything's
going well, well, she's putting on weight. It's just the
(02:29):
fact that it's a hard slog for you because she's
supply just isn't there. We just got to get it up.
So I got it up. Suki's doing really well. And
then after I kind of had all those health things happen,
I noticed that I just wasn't feeling the letdown as frequently.
And then I started to look at Suki and as
we were kind of coming up to our four month
vaccination time, being like, I really wonder how she's going
(02:53):
with weight. She hasn't changed in her temperament at all,
Like she's still really happy and seems to be taking milk.
But I didn't feel like my boobs were getting as full,
and your boobs don't have to be super engaged for
there to be a lot of milk, and I'd be
checking and there was milk in there, but I just
felt like, you know, like you're sensing it's a little
bit off. So took her for a vaccinations and she
(03:14):
was around the seventieth percent half away. And look, obviously,
as a second time mum, I'm taking all of this
stuff with a grain of salt. We know that things
even out. Kids progress at different stages overall, if they're happy,
they've got wet nappies, they're all good, Like it's okay.
And also, was it strudal in like the tenth Oh yeah,
she was very small, very slate, if you will. But
(03:35):
sukes went from like seventy down to fifty and look,
they do plateau around three months. So my doctor was like, look,
there's nothing to worry about, like, yeah, your supply probably
has had a little dip because you've had those different
things pop up. But she's like, do not stress about
this at all, like, not one iota. She's like, she
has great neck control. Why don't you just start solids.
(03:56):
In the moment, I was like, okay, yeah, that sounds good,
and then I walked out of there being like I'm
barely eating solids, Like I'm not ready to start solids
with this girl. I cannot take that on right now.
And then I began to have a wee bit of
a spiral and for a few days I was just
very stressed out, and then because I was stressed, I
(04:16):
think my milk got even worse.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
And because when you stressed, your appetite goes down, you're
not drinking enough water.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
All of those things contribute to milk.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Exactly, and like you're just not looking after yourself even
more because you just don't have the brain capacity. Like
I get a little bit paralyzed when I'm stressed, so
you know, the things, little things like simply drinking water,
which is a huge one for my supply. I'll just
like stop drinking water and not even realize. Yeah, it
was a really rough week because of that.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
She's also not sleeping very well. She's going through a
great regression.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
It's easy slightly, but I'm still waking up frequently, Like
I'm still not getting that much sleep. Like I just
tried to put her down. She work up after fifteen minutes.
But the show must go on, you know, we just
got to keep rolling.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
But yeah, yet again, join our conversation.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah she's here. You can probably hear her gurgling in
the background. But yeah, it wasn't a great week. All
came to a head when I was like I was
convinced that she was like starving. I don't know why.
When I gave her a formula, and she has had
formula before. Charlie's given her bottles when I've been out,
so we know that she does take it, but she
didn't want it. And Charlie's like, see, she's not hungry,
she's just mad. She's just cranky. She's just crank even
(05:25):
no reason because she's baby. And she woke up on
the wrong side.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Of the bed today and you know what they do
sometimes they're little jerks.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, exactly. But I did speak to my girlfriend and
she was like, oh, the same thing happened to me
after I was sick. Like so, I actually did go
to the doctor and went on matilium to just helt
with my milk supply because just mentally, I'm not prepared
to start solids yet. I need a little bit more
time either enough.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Are you going to do the weaning thing again?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Whatever Ru's having, I'm going to put it in a
blender and give it to her.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Do you know what that sounds? Very second? Child?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Let me started so when he was four and a
half months, but that was because he was so sick.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
It wasn't a weight thing.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
It was because he was such a bad with the
reflux that they were like, oh.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
You need to start him on solids because it's good
for their reflux. But if you don't have to do it,
look weird. Why would you put that?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
I know, and I think I felt like if I
went on something like matillium, and just for context for
anyone that doesn't know, it's a medication that you can
take which helps with your milk supply, So you take
a pill every eight hours, but please see a doctor
to chat about it. I'm obviously not recommending everyone do this,
but a lot of people do it on this at
the start as their breastfeeding journey, when perhaps the milk
hasn't come in and they're giving a bit of a nudge.
(06:36):
But I felt like, I don't know, because I'm so
obviously like fed a's best positive. I felt like trying
to get my milk supply back up was me somehow
buying into the breasts best or something when it's not.
It's just like, I worked really hard to now breastfeeding
this time, through no fault of my own, my milk
suppli has gone down. I'm not ready to do solids
(06:56):
like it's totally okay for me to want to keep
breastfeed so.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Exactly because at the end of the day, breastfeeding is easier.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
It is for me at this point.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, like you don't have to heat up bottles and scoop.
It's cheaper.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
You don't, like you're trying to buy a house, trying
to buy a house exactly.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
So you don't have to when it's not causing an issue.
You don't need to explain yourself. You don't even have
to explain yourself when there is an issue. But if
it was really painful or you kept getting massed outis like,
as your friend, I would be like, hey, you've given
it a good run, but like I totally get where
you want to, Like, you've been giving it a really
(07:33):
good go and it's working really well, so I totally
get where you want to get your supply back up.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, okay, good thanks. I just was like, am I
like God.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Oh you're you know you're not breast disbsting anyone, don't
you Workay?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Thank God? Anyway, Shall we move on to the peak?
Bloody hell, I'm very hormoner, so let me try and
get through my peak without crying. I feel like I
cry every week on this plot.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
It is so funny when you were telling me about
it and you got accuwd of the car the way.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Home, like like, sorry, it's going to be another crying story.
So I have just been really just not feeling myself lately,
Like I'm obviously in that new mum rut stage of
my thing. Like you know, like you've had the baby.
Now you're out of the fourth trimester, and you're starting
(08:17):
to try and do things that maybe you did before.
And I know that my mental health is best when
I am moving, and at the moment, I'm not moving enough.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Yeah, I agree, Like, as your friend, you are not
moving enough. Like when you had ru you were out
and about. But with this it's just been such a
different experience for you.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh it has been. It's just honestly so much different.
I'm just so much more exhausted than I was the
first time around, Like there is no extra in the tank.
So but Charlie's like to make baby, let's prioritize you
just doing one thing a week of exercise, and I
think there are like a few hurdles, like with the breastfeeding,
it's like, oh, my supply has gone down, and do
I want to exercise and like what if that impacts
(08:56):
it kind of thing. So there were just a few
things that I need and he's like, who cares, Like,
just through that and then if that happens, we can
figure it out. But the one thing that I was like, Okay, well,
let me just commit to doing spin once a week,
Like there's a class on Saturday, and look, I set
two alarms, woke up to the first alarm, snooze a second,
do you reckon? I woke up? No, I woke up.
(09:17):
The class was seven fifteen. I woke up at five
to seven.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It's winter. Who is out of bed at seven o'clock
in the morning.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Well, because I would have to get up at six
point thirty to get to a seven fifteen class or
six forty five, right, But to get to a six
fifteen class, I'm getting up at five thirty or five
forty five. Like that's a big difference in my eyes anyway,
So I had a choice when I woke up, when
I realized I'd slept through that second alarm, I've got
five minutes to get ready, and I had laid everything
out and then I just need to was to the
(09:48):
gym and go into close it's close and that early
in the morning, the run is really quick, right or
do I go back to sleep? And you know what
I chose? I chay yo, you chose your sibbit. I
chose myself. I was like, who cares if I'm five
minutes Like who cares if I'm ten minutes late? Like whatever,
I'm going to show up. So I managed to get
(10:08):
there and they had just started the warm up. I
set up on a bike and I was like, that's
weird that that bike is free in like the prime position.
Realized that one of the pedals was broken, so I
was like, all right, that's okay, move on to the
next bike. But I did the class and oh, it
was hands down the hardest thing I've done, Like in
so long.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
A spin class is really hard, like for you to
go hard from not doing anything that you know will
walk here or there for the past year almost.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
I don't even know how you did it.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Well, I'll tell you. Ten minutes in my legs felt
like they were like two concrete pylons, like I could
not pedal, like, but I was so in my happy place,
like I love the euphoria after spin, and I think
that's why I do still keep it in my things
that I liked do exercise wise, but in it I
(11:03):
was like, this is so hard. This is so hard.
It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But I
didn't give up, Like of course, I like made adjustments
and sat down when I needed to, and you know
when they tell you to you just like I was like, nah,
I'm not I'm not going to do it. But it
(11:23):
was so good and afterwards, I was just so proud
of myself. I was so proud of myself. There were
so many hurdles, right there was just the hurdle of
going to a class when you haven't exercised in like
a year, the hurdle of being late for the class,
getting yourself there anyway in the dead of winter, the
hurdle of just being in the class and actually finishing it.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Like so proud I.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Am too, Like I did have a little cry after,
Like I was quite emotional just about like I don't know,
I think it was just like everything came to a head.
It was like that pregnancy was really rough on my body.
I haven't been as able to move from my mind
as I'd wanted to. And just the fact that like
so much of these first four months has just been
(12:08):
I haven't done anything for myself. I've really lost my
identity in a lot of ways. My body has changed
a lot, and that's something that like I'm fine with
because I'm feeding my baby and I understand that I've
just given birth to this kid. But the ways I
like to express myself with clothing and things like that,
I don't have that joy anymore as well.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
So it's okay as well to admit that and to
speak about struggling with your body changing. And we're so
body positive, which is great, but we don't allow people
to feel the way that they want to feel or
that they do feel, because we immediately just like you
(12:48):
just had a baby, give yourself trump, which is true,
but it's also true that you're allowed to feel the
way that you do.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Yeah, I agree, Yeah, And thank you for saying that,
because it is a really hard thing. And like I
know that I'm really hyper aware of when I talk
about anything body related because you just never know where
you're like meeting someone that's listening where they are with
their body and things like that. But I think it's
still important to like acknowledge the truth in it, Like.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Because you're feeling so valid with whatever they are and
we can't just censor everything exactly.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah, people are.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Afraid to talk about anything sometimes these days. Oh god,
I sound like a boomer, but you know what.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I know what you mean, though, but I think it's important.
Like I am often afraid to say things wrong because
I never want to offend and I never want to
upset people. But at the same time, like I feel
like that's a really good challenge for me to like
find a way to talk about something in a respectful
way that's like engaging and thought provoking. And I think
that hopefully it's just by talking about that, Like for me,
(13:48):
it was just moving my body makes me feel good
and everything else can come later, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Be an inspiration because it's an inspiration for me. Are
you going to go this Saturday as well?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I will go for a big walk, like at our
big park. I'm going to get out with and do something.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
When I come over to record next week, I'm going
to come earlier before we record, and we are going
to go for a walk and get a coffee together.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I love that, Okay, love it so much. Get moving
after our record. We need to do that. We need
to do that.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, I'll be like, come on, come on, girl, get moving. Okay,
you were up your turn. Oh mind of quite quick,
which is probably good. My pit is So I sent
a message to Key of this in the script last night,
and she was just dying. I was like, poor Percy,
poor Percy has got her pies.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And she messaged back, My god.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
A lot of questions. She was ques and I was like, no, no,
you must wait. Listen, it's actually not a big deal.
You just reminded me we've got to go put his
ointment on.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Oh no, even the word ointment is just like gross.
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
It's not actually a pits really, It's just like, why
is there always something with animals?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
There's always something with one other? You know what. Everything
was fine for a few weeks.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
The other one stopped urinating everywhere because she got desexed.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Great, it's great. Percy's already lost his leg.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
A few years ago that human came into the world
that started as screaming at him.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
His sister died.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Then another cat was introduced that he does love, but
she's a lot more playful, like he's a grumpy old man.
She wants to crash tackle him and oh, he's only
got three legs, the poor dolly anyway, And now the
poor bloke's got bloody herpes, So.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Okay, is he bumping uglyes like in the neighborhood, Like
how did he get her?
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Fill?
Speaker 3 (15:43):
No, it's on his lip. I don't know how he
got it though, Like he's got a cold sort. So
he's had this thing on his mouth for ages, and
we were treating it because they thought it was the
same thing that he had on his leg that they
had to then ended up taking the whole leg and
I was like, you can't take the whole face. You
can't take his mouth, guys anyway. So they've been treating
(16:07):
it like as that for the past couple of months.
But turns out they think it's actually herpes of the face.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
That is just so crazy, Like I didn't even realize
that cats could get that, Like, of course they could,
but we're not letting him just rub his little herpe
lip over everything, all right, Okay, peak, Okay, My peak
is is that Luke finished night shift.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Hellelujah, ha helujah.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
I did not realize how much it was affecting me
until he stopped my sister last week was like, I've
not seen you this happy in months.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
I didn't even realize.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I'm not gonna lie. You've been Leama's abe for a
good chunk of weeks now, and it's because of that. Oh,
it was way too much when you've it was like
complete opposite the schedule that you've always known.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Like that's wild, and I work full time, Like I
cannot parent full time.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
I know that a lot of.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
People do, but I'm not used to it. Okay, I'm lazy.
I don't like to work too much, all right, I
like to relax.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Lazy is not a word that I think of when
I think of you. But I think you have a
lot going on, Like, well, you have too much going on,
I think. And then just for a switch up with
the parenting, it's like and it wasn't like you eased
into it. It was like one day you didn't do it,
and then the next day you did. For ages.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Yeah, then two months of every five nights five sometimes
six nights a week. Oh, and it wasn't good for
Lenn either. Anyway, Lenny's much happier. I'm much happier. We've
been doing so many nice family things, and I think listen,
I don't want Key to get too haha about it,
but I think it's actually made me appreciate, like with
(17:52):
Luke and I have just been getting along so well,
even just little things like when Lenny's absolutely throwing down
least I can look at him and laugh about how
ridiculous he's being rather than just suffer throat by myself.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yes, yeah, yeah, well problem halved is a problem solved
or whatever that's saying is something like that. But you know,
misery love company. I don't know. It's just better when
you've got someone there to be like, you're seeing this right, ridiculous? Yeah, okay, cool,
he is.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
Actually a ridiculous human. I hope that you look. Why
is he doing this? Anyway, Let's get into the episode.
That's enough about my sappy shit, all right, let's do it.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Yeah you do?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
No, I don't you care.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
I don't care, Yes you.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Do, Welcome back to I just don't know if I care.
Our new segment where we bring you the story behind
a headline or viral video and try to make you careing, Well,
one of us is going to see if the other
one cares. Key you're up, make me cares sis.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yes, I've been so excited to have a go at
this segment because, as you know, we switch every month
as to who's going to lead it. And I was
thinking a lot lately about my parenting as I've gone
from one to two, which I've definitely shared before on
the podcast. I think like, as a first time mum
up until me getting pregnant with Suki, I always had
(19:14):
this like immense pride in breaking like generational trauma and
toxic behaviors that were present in my upbringing. And then
I met my toddler, didn't I I met my gorgeous toddler,
and it honestly feels like I'm failing every day. I
bribe her, I plead, I get upset. I have zero patients,
(19:38):
and I just didn't want to be this kind of
mum and it has really been getting me down. And
then I'm like on social media and I see these
like ninety second videos on Instagram or TikTok or whatever
it is explaining why toddlers are being toddler's and logically,
I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. Developmentally, they're you know,
(19:59):
ticking all these miles stones great they're little dickheads because
they're getting smarter. But I still react, and I then
end up hating myself because of my reaction, and suddenly
I'm in this awful, grouchy self loathing cycle of kind
of hating myself a little bit. And I was over it.
(20:22):
So I thought, well, we have the podcast and I've
got to bring something. So why didn't I do something
that might actually help myself and maybe some others listening?
Speaker 2 (20:30):
So I love that this is what you bring? What
did I bring? It's all good.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
We bring the high, we bring the low, we bring
all of it. I loved you aw one.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I thought it was really it definitely shows our different personalities.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Well, yeah, I I like to party too. I'm just
a little bit depressed at the moment. Is just a
little bit depressed to keep shouting.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
So I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
What I typed into Google was like maybe how to
stop being a toxic parent or something to that tune.
And I found this article on parents dot com and
it's called breaking the cycle of toxic family behavior is hard,
Here's why experts think it's worth it. And it was
written by Janna Pollock, so it reads every new parent
plans to do their best to raise children in a
(21:14):
loving environment. But as kids grow from babies to toddlers
to little people with their own firmly held opinions, idealistic
aims for doing the best can get lost in the
day to day grind of parenthood hard relate, and in
those overwhelming moments of chaos, toxic parenting patterns that were
present in our own childhoods, or even ones that have
existed for generations within our families can emerge. That was
(21:36):
the opening paragraph, and I just went like kind of
stopped me in my tracks. I was like, Okay, you've
got my full attention. Parents dot com. So in the article,
the writer interviews this doctor called Rachel Miller. She's like
a family therapist, and parents dot com is an American website.
I don't know if that's important, but I just thought
I pointed out. But she goes on to explain like
(21:58):
the different reasons why someone might choose to break the
cycle of toxic behaviors and the reason why I thought
it could be good for the pod, because yes, toxic
behaviors can be like as extreme as my upbringing in
like abandonment is shoes and things like that, or on
the other probably more extreme end of like abuse if
someone suffered from that, but it could also be something
(22:19):
like your parents may have been divorced or spanking, you know,
like things like that that you, as a parent now
are like, I don't want to do that. But the
issue of that is is like just doing the opposite
of what was done to you as a kid doesn't
always work. So there was a little exercise in this
which I thought was so interesting, and as I was
(22:41):
reading it, I actually like was speaking to Charlie and
I was like, Hey, do you want to do this
exercise with me? I think that actually might be really
helpful for us to kind of like recenter our parenting,
and especially for me obviously in this time of going
from one to two and kel for this episode, I
asked you to prepare some answers because I'm not going
to reveal what Charlie's were, but I'm to talk about
mine and then you can also talk about yours. I
(23:02):
thought it might be quite interesting because I thought you
might benefit from this too, because I know we both
struggle with our very spirited toddlers.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
And both of us are quite cranky at our core.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Exactly we are crank yeah, yeap. Basically, when people come
to doctor Miller's office and they ask for her help
in breaking their family cycles of toxic behavior or trauma
or abuse, she starts by asking them three questions. She
asked them first, what do you believe the parenting philosophy
was that your parents practiced? She then asks how did
(23:35):
that impact you? And then she asked, is that philosophy
currently aligned with your value system? What do you believe
the parenting philosophy that your parents practice? Well, I actually
did this for my mum and my grandparents because I
thought they were both important, because they were both impactful.
I chose uninvolved for my birth mum, which basically means
(23:56):
that those types of parents are unavailable or unresponsive and
may reject their children. Children may be left to fulfill
their own needs, and overall they are indifferent, dismissive, and
possibly neglectful. So sorry, this sounds really intense, but that
was my real experience. Yeah, for my grandparents, I chose lighthouse.
(24:18):
So lighthouse parents aim to be lighthouses for their children,
visible from afar as a beacon of stability. Freedom is important,
but so as guidance and reasonable boundaries. So overall, a
lighthouse person aims to be a home for children, providing
the tools for children to figure out their own issues.
So those were the philosophies that I was parented with
(24:40):
growing up. Hell, where did you land with your parents?
Speaker 3 (24:44):
My parents were authoritative, so supportive, responsive, and nurturing, but
also focus on setting firm limits rather than seeking to
establish complete obedience in control. They try to explain the
reasoning behind rules, discuss expectations, and listen to a child's viewpoint.
Authoritative parents are often warm, loving and encourage freedom. They
(25:07):
are consistent about boundaries and expectations with a side of
authoritarian yet right right right, which is an extremely strict
and rigid parenting style. Parents hold their children to high
standards with very little responsiveness and compromise. An authoritarian parent
focuses more on obedience, discipline, and control over comfort and nurturing.
(25:31):
What is an example of authoritarian parenting? When a parent
asked for a child to do something and they ask why.
The answer might be because I said, so.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
What what was that?
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Sometimes it's an answer when a toddler asks you the
same thing ten times in a row.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Totally, But I think that an authoritarian parent that might
be the first answer is because I said so, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
So I say it when I don't know, I'll be.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
I totally get that.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Tell me why can't I have an ice cream for breakfast?
I don't know, the bloody ice cream for breakfast.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
It's just because I said so, all right.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. No, it makes sense.
It does make sense because.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
It can't be like, oh, we need to start our
day with having a healthy meal, because then it'll be like.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
What a coffee?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah? Yeah, I see your coffee? Me that ice cream girl.
So that's the first question answered. The second question was
how did that impact you? With my birth mom having
that uninvolved philosophy, I felt very uneasy and unsure As
a kid. I really craved structure and stability. I worried
(26:36):
a lot from a young age, and I felt like
I had to as a result, grow up really quickly,
and I was often treated like an adult much earlier
than me actually being an adult. I didn't feel safe
or like I was a priority, and my feelings were
never validated. As a child, I didn't feel encouraged or
believed in. And I just wanted to note that when
(26:56):
doctor Miller says in this article, when you're how that
affected you, They say, be as specific as you can,
because basically you're trying to really understand the intention and
what the impact was, because that will help with the
exercise later in figuring out how we then want a parent.
And for my grandparents as lighthouse parents, I felt like
(27:18):
it was too much freedom, but I knew that they
always supported me one hundred percent, so there was never
any question about that. We were close and spent a
lot of time together, but they were from a different
generation and there wasn't like expressions of love, so it
wasn't like I love you. We didn't really hug. They
were very English like, very very kind of I don't
(27:40):
want to say stiff upper lip, because they had emotional intelligence,
but it wasn't like that physical emotional expression. But their
love was unconditional, absolutely unconditional, Like I knew whatever happened,
they would always be there for me, and that really
held me together. So, Kel, when you were thinking about
(28:00):
your mainly your authoritative with a side of authoritarian parenting,
how did that impact you growing up?
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Well, Like, when I actually think about it, I was
very lucky with my upbringing.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Yeah, and I always knew right from wrong.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
The boundaries were always very clear being a good person
and making good decisions, good choices.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
I was always supported.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
But in a realistic way, like I wasn't coddled, yeh yeah, yeah, yeah,
but sometimes that was to my detriment. And I also
think that because when it comes to the more emotional stuff,
I'm very very unregulated and immature in the way, like
(28:48):
I still don't really express myself properly.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Stunted.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Stunted, yeah, yeah, because we weren't to talk about feelings
or yeah, and the same thing, like not a lot
of physical affection or words around that. But always very safe,
very secure, good boundaries, lots of beautiful traditions.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Like me and my sister.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Even the other day, we're just talking about because she's
ordered a new lounge and she's like, when the new
lounge comes kids, you guys aren't going to be eating
in the landroom or jumping on the l on the couch,
and I'm like, oh my god, okay, mum, Because we
always had, you know, the fun room that we could use,
but then there was the parents' lound room. We went
(29:34):
on to watch TV most of the time anyway, so
it's not like it was ever our room, but every
now and then, if it was raining, Mum would put
out this one blanket that we had and then we'd
be able to sit on this one blanket like and
have a little picnic in the lound.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Room and watch your movie.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
So little traditions like that, and all of our Christmas traditions.
And they didn't have a lot of money. But what
they did with money was they taught us if we
want some that's a specific brand or something that's outside
of our needs and a birthday, then we had to
work for it. Whether that was when we were younger
through pocket money doing chores around the house, or as
(30:14):
we got older it was you know, you turn fourteen
in nine months, you get a job, so a really.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Good work ethic.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
They would spend their money on experiences like so we
would go on family holidays, so I would never have
a Bill of Bond backpack or a quick silver backpack,
which I really wanted because everyone at school had one.
But I remember no one at school went on family
holidays the way that I did, which when you're a kid,
you don't think that that's a big deal. But looking
(30:41):
back on now, I can see what really matters and
what made my relationship what it is now with my family.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Yeah, you appreciate them as you become a parent, which
is so interesting.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
But I would say there's the side with the authoritative.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
There's the side of being scared.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Scared as in the expectations were high.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
No, the expectations weren't high.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
It's just that my dad, being such an angry man,
was scary when he yelled, which was very easily. So
it was more so like our expectations when I look
back on it, things like we had to practice the
piano for fifteen minutes a day. That's actually not a
(31:31):
big ask, given that they paid a lot of money
for us to have a piano and to have lessons
for the piano that we said that we wanted to learn,
and he liked to then enjoy hearing how his money
was spent by making us practice for fifteen minutes a day.
Then the reaction to us if we didn't do the
practicing was very angry and loud.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
And okay, yeah, yeah, I can't understand what you mean.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
That's what I mean by being scared, just like it
sounds ridiculous. But because dad was a shift worker, like
we weren't allowed to make different noises or sounds.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
So ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
No, Like, I totally get that we want.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
To like to shower after a specific time because or
if dad was in bed, because the pipes would wake
him up, the pipes heating up.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
No, I totally get that as a shift worker. Oh
my god, Like Sush, I've got to go out and
earn the money for you to do your piano.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
You know, you bloody piano that you refuse to practice.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Okay, So third question is is that philosophy currently aligned
with your value system? I think in my case, it's
pretty obvious that it's not. And when I was thinking
about the values that I try to live my life by, all,
like what I want them to have, I think, above everything,
it's safety and love, And I want them to know
that love is unconditional and that it's judgment free, and
(32:56):
I don't want them to be scared to tell me anything.
And I just want them to have the free them
to explore and encourage that exploration, that curiosity. But I
also want them to have structure and boundaries and responsibilities
and things that ground them, because I think it's really
important to foster that kind of I don't know if
(33:16):
that independence is a little person cal I'm really interested
in your case because obviously mine is like very extreme.
So yes, of course it's going to be the opposite
of how I was parented. But in your case, to
those philosophies, the authoritarian or authoritative align with your value system.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Definitely with the authoritative.
Speaker 3 (33:38):
Unfortunately, I think sometimes with my yelling, I'm a little
bit authoritarian.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I don't know is yelling considered authoritarian.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
I think everyone has a yell. I don't think it
necessarily means that, like you're authoritarian. I think it's more
in the like the actual values that you have, and
no one's perfect.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
Remember, I think that I lean a little bit towards
permissive sometimes and Luke leans a little bit towards helicopter.
I also think that I definitely fall into the attachment
style parent, which focuses on nurturing the connection between parent
and child. Constant loving care and sensitivity to a child's
(34:20):
wants and needs is paramount love and respect our fundamental
values to attachment parenting. Yeah, i'd say, like attachment with
authoritative I don't really know, Like when I think of
my values though, I don't really know how that has like,
I can't really link them to my parenting styles, if
(34:41):
that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
Yeah, And that's why this exercise is really interesting, because
I don't think that we think about our values and
the teachings that comes out of this. Within the article,
they say, if you approach cycle breaking from a value
centered standpoint, what are the values you're hoping to instill
in your children, what are the values you practice in
your day to day life, it becomes clear how to
(35:02):
break the cycle by aligning your parenting philosophy with those
core beliefs. So I hadn't thought about the actual values either,
and that's why Charlie and I did this together. So
I was like, can we just pick three values that
we kind of want to center our parenting around. So
the three values we've chosen is compassion, community, and curiosity.
And when I think about those values, she's obviously three.
(35:24):
So it's not like we can be like, these are
our family values. But in the day to day when
we're thinking about our parenting, that's kind of at the
forefront and everything that I've just spoken about. Knowing what
those values are was then I looked at the philosophies
and I was like Okay, what type of a parent
do I want to be? And I think when we
first spoke about parenting philosophies ages ago on the POD,
(35:47):
I think I was like, yeah, I'm definitely authoritative, but
the philosophy that I've kind of landed on, I landed
on positive, which I did not think that I would be.
But when I read it, knowing what the values that
I want to in steady them, thinking about how I was parented,
how I felt being parented in that way, positive just
resonated with me. And it's basically that your supportive involve trusting, patient,
(36:11):
and encouraging and offer praise for achievement. It's a relationship
of mutual respect and connection is fundamental overall, gentle guidance,
consistent boundaries, parent life balance. I liked that one. And
a celebration of a child's uniqueness. So that's where everything
kind of fell into place for me. It was like,
I don't know, I think that like obviously, when you
(36:33):
have a baby, everything is textbook, you know, like it's
like this is coming up, this happens, this is how
you fix it, or you just kind of push through.
But I think when you get to having a toddler.
Like I feel like most of the conversations I have
with my friends who are toddlers are just like, what
the F How do I get through this? Like it's
almost like you need to learn how to parent a toddler,
(36:54):
and there are so many books out there, but I
just thought that this exercise was really good to just
I have a good kind of foundation and which to
a place to start with your parenting, because not everyone,
I mean, I know there are like type A personalities.
We're like, this is what I'm doing as a parent.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
This is this They've printed on the wall every room.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
They know how to do it, and maybe I'm just
like I don't know. I got swept up and everything,
like I haven't sat down and kind of like thought
about this. Like when I was saying this to Charlie,
He's like, oh, I think about this every day, and
I'm like you do. He's like, yeah, I'm so keen
to sit down and do something like this. I was like, well, okay,
I don't know, Like I just wonder if there's other
people out there who are kind of struggling in the
(37:36):
toddler phase or whatever phase it is and not really
having like any idea of where to even start to
figure out the way in which you want a parent,
because there are these sweeping names for things, and you
get it on a surface level. But I really enjoyed
the way in which this article set it up, and
that you are looking at your own childhood, identifying different things,
(38:01):
figuring out how to align that with who you are now,
what are you going to take, what are you going
to leave? And like what your values are and how
you're going to do that as a parent? Okay, kel,
what are your values?
Speaker 3 (38:14):
I was just having a look through the list that
you sent me and the ones that I think are
the most important to me and instilling them in Lenny are.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
The first one is joy, So I love that one.
Speaker 3 (38:28):
I want life to be full of pure, furious joy
in all of the adventure, but all of the mundaneities
of life, like joy should be found in every single
day in different moments.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
You know.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I want him to find the humor in darkness the
way that I do, and just find joy all the time.
The second one is caring, being good, being good at
your core, everything led with good intentions and prioritizing the
good people your family and friends who are around you.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
And with caring.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
A lot of people and a lot of our choices
are extrinsically motivated, and I want to make sure that
at his core, the majority of his choices are instrinsically motivated.
So is he doing something to be better for him,
for his family, for the future, for the wider population,
(39:30):
or is it to appear a certain way to people?
That's very important to me. And finally, courage, Courage not
also so good, not in a hero way. I've got
his affirmations on his wall and I put them. They're
like little words, and I just put them in order
(39:51):
of what I think is important. I put brave down
the bottom because I was like, I don't know. When
I think of brave, I'm like, you don't have to
be brave. If you're scared of spiders, you don't need
to go into a spider pit. But courage is very different,
and I think I want him to have courage to
be different, to chase his dreams. The courage to be disliked,
I think is very important for people. Courage to take responsibility,
(40:15):
have self awareness and enjoy life.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Courage, caring, joy.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I love those ones. Okay, So then can I ask
did I make you care.
Speaker 3 (40:29):
Well, you made me do homework, ky Reese, and I
enjoy doing it, so yes, you did make me care.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Oh I'm glad. I know it's not like a very
sexy topic, but I just really enjoyed doing it. I
enjoyed reflecting, and then I also enjoyed doing it with Charlie.
I think it's even one that you could just do with,
like whoever is helping you raise your kids, like, yeah,
your grandparents or your sister, Like, I think it's such
a nice exercise, Like we don't often reflect enough on
(40:56):
things like this, And I felt like the exercise was
very achievable, like it didn't seem too hard.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
No, no, it's not. I asked Luke to do it
as well.
Speaker 3 (41:06):
Did she I don't care about anything except family and friends.
And I'm like, okay, well, I feel like the values
that I want to instill in him encompass family and friends.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Luke, but let's say.
Speaker 1 (41:17):
Do yeah, at a high level, he's got You're aligned,
You're aligned, definitely.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
We've got to start a thread in the Facebook group.
Then let's ask everyone what their three values are. Brennie
Brown or whatever her name is, Brene oh Brene Brown
whoever came up with this list of value says that
you can only pick two, but I reckon you can
pick three.
Speaker 1 (41:38):
I picked three. I had no idea. Yeah, I'm going
to link the article, the list of philosophies, and also
the lists that we use to choose our values. Off.
You can google all of this stuff, but the notes anyway, All.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Right, recommendations you go first, and then I'm going to
try to run through mine quickly because I've got four.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
My first recommendation is a new children's picture book that
was written by Dianatayan and a girl that I actually
went to school with. So cool, lovely, Yeah, so cool.
I'm so jealous that she's written a children's book and
it is so good, you guys. She sent me a
copy and Rue is obsessed with it. It's called Pepe
and the Secret Sauce. So basically it's centers around the
(42:21):
main character of Pepe and he's trying to figure out
what is in his nana's secret pasta sauce, and it's
just the illustrations art to die for. You actually also
get the Secret Sauce and there's a link you can
find out like the pasta recipes and stuff. So I'll
pop her website in the show notes and you can
purchase from the website and find out more there. But
(42:42):
it is just a really sweet book and we've been
loving reading it. My second recommendation is for anyone that
has babies who aren't walking the little ug booties from
Nature Baby. They have elastic around the ankle so they
don't come off. The most annoying thing about having babies
that obviously aren't wearing.
Speaker 3 (43:02):
Shoes, they kick their little tooties and their socks flap off.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, and you lose socks left, right and center. These
little ugs are so warm for their feet and they
do not come off because of the elastics. So look,
they are a little on the exy side considering how
quickly the kids grow. They're about seventy bucks, I think,
but they do have sales bucks. They're not socks, they're
little ug boots. But they do go on sale quite
(43:26):
often and have a look on the Iconic because the
Iconic goes on sale more often and they're stocked on there.
So I'll put both links in the show notes. Yes,
I know they're a little bit expensive, but you know
they work. And good gift, Yeah, good gift great gift.
Great gift, great gift. Okay, your turn. Let's all grab
them another beverage because we've got four recommendations to get through.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
Kel who doesn't love recommendations?
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Hit me?
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Everyone loves your recommendation. Okay. My first recommendation is a game.
It is called Crossword Master.
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (43:56):
You can download it from whatever app store you use.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (44:00):
I have paid for the version like the ad free
version now. I think it was like fifteen dollars for
the year. But you can try it out with the
ads first to see if you like it. You just
verse the game. You're not versing a person. It's not
like scrubble. It's crossword and it's just so good.
Speaker 2 (44:16):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (44:18):
There's little challenges every single day. It keeps your mind active.
It's really great.
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I love that because I actually do the mini crossword
on the New York Times every day, and I wish
there were more like it's once a day. So I'd
love another option.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
I know you're not a huge gamer, but I think
that you would like this one.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
I love that you are a bunch gamer. I just
because it just brings you so much joy. That you
are just such a nerd. I love it.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
Honestly, it was gonna be my pit. Actually, how much
time I've been gaming this week? You don't want to know.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
I just imagine you with like those curved computer screens,
with your headphones on, the little games accessories, doing game stuff, just.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
Like frothing my game life. Second is a book. It's
the best thriller over it in Yonks. I feel like
I've read a lot of rubbish lately. It's called It's
Always the Husband by C. L.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Taylor.
Speaker 3 (45:10):
Just a really, really great thriller. I was entranced the
entire time.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
I loved it.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Third recommendation, Listen, it's not a recommendation for this year,
but I don't want to forget. Write it down somewhere.
Go to Glow at Sydney Zoo if you're in Sydney,
or you come to Sydney next winter. It goes for
about a month to two months. I think this year
it was on for six weeks. Imagine vivid for little
(45:38):
kids with like installation, like installations at the zoo.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
Imagine going to the zoo at night time.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
That's so cool.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
It's really cool, so fun. Lenny has never stayed up
that late before. He thought it was a real hoot.
He slept in for the next few days. I'll tell
you that he was very retaliate, but he had the
time of his life. It was just so much fun.
It was absolutely beautiful, very magical. I just think, if
you're in Sydney or you come to Sydney, please go
(46:06):
next year. Loved it and finally, I just want to
recommend it. I think we've recommended it before. Claire Stephen Substack,
So we had her on the pod a couple of
weeks ago. We're linking in the show notes. It's free.
She is one of the most beautiful writers. She writes
almost like it's poetry. But she also is very funny.
(46:27):
She's just a gorgeous, gorgeous writer. She's got great thoughts
about everything, great recommendations in her substack. Yeah, so yes,
we will pop a link to that because it's just
a little treat in you.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
It is box everywhere and.
Speaker 3 (46:40):
You can keep it on read until you are ready
to sit down with a nice cup of tea or whatnot.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
Yeah. Love that. Yes, good records.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
I told you I could smash through them.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
All right, smash on, smash on, and we will do
that just now. Thank you. So much for tuning in
this week shit Is. We love your feedback, so let
us know. If there's any thing you'd like us to discuss.
How the new show format's going, we'd love to hear
it all.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
This podcast was produced by us Kyrie Searles and Kelly mccawan,
with audio production by Mattie Joannu Bye Bye
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