#4. Empty Nest, Divorce, Loss… and Finding Yourself Again

Midlife transitions often strip away roles that once defined us, leaving us questioning our identity and worth beyond titles like mother or wife.

• Society tends to assign women value based on what we do for others
• Roles like mother, wife, and caregiver become entwined with our sense of self
• These roles are parts of us but not our complete identity
• When roles change, we have the opportunity to rediscover our authentic selves
• We can choose which aspects of former roles to keep and which to discard
• This transition is about rediscovery rather than replacement
• Journal to explore who you are when no one needs anything from you
• Experiment with new passions or reconnect with old ones
• Reconnect with your body through movement and self-expression
• Use your voice to say yes or no according to your true desires
• Create regular rituals of self-expression without agenda
• The woman who emerges isn't smaller without her roles - she's bigger and more authentic

If you'd like coaching support through this transition, find the link below to schedule a call with me to see if working together makes sense for you.

🦋 Would you like help walking through these steps, or with accountability, or deeper dives into these topics? Interested in learning more about working 1:1 with me to transform your life in your rediscovery? Schedule a free Discovery call with me here: https://stan.store/edgeofreal

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Episode Transcript

Kristin (00:09):
Welcome back to the Edge of Real podcast, where we
discuss midlife identity andrediscovery.
I'm Kristin, and today we'restepping into a topic that so
many of us are going throughright now the moment when a role
we've carried for yearssuddenly shifts or falls away
and we're left wondering who thehell am I now?

(00:31):
I was called this week to talkabout this topic because I've
had some women reach out to melately to tell me about their
loss of identity as they becomewives and mothers, and then also
as they go through divorce andare no longer wives, and as

(00:52):
their children leave home off totheir next adventures and their
season of being an active momends.
I feel the grief andbewilderment in their stories.
I feel the grief andbewilderment in their stories.
I too, am divorced, and I toohave just seen my youngest go

(01:12):
off to college.
I am now living alone forliterally the first time in my
life.
When I got separated and thendivorced several years ago, my
ex moved across the countryalmost instantly and I was left
being the only active parent.
We have no other familyanywhere nearby, so it was just

(01:32):
the three of us my two kids andme, and before this I had been a
stay-at-home mom.
So, needless to say, being amom was my identity.
It was my very favorite thingto do, but also the only thing I
could do.
There was literally no one elsearound to help or to check my

(01:53):
work or just be there for mykids and me.
I got completely lost in it andit was the best thing ever.
But it also became all I knewabout myself, and how I felt
about myself was completelywrapped up in being a mom.
For so many years I had worncertain titles like they were

(02:15):
glued to me Right Like mom, wife, daughter, caretaker, supporter
.
These roles gave me direction,sometimes they gave me excuses,
sometimes they gave me excuses,but they were always there.

(02:37):
And then one of those roleschanged and now another.
It's like someone pulled therug out from under me and I'm
left standing in a silence.
I am so not used to, am so notused to.
So then this question rises upand it's kind of scary.
Well, actually it's reallyfucking scary.
If I'm not a wife anymore, ifI'm not an active mom anymore,
then who am I?

(02:57):
I'm pretty sure if you're here,then you have felt this too.
When a child leaves home, when amarriage ends, when a parent
passes, or when life just kindof reshapes itself and the
labels we're living under nolonger really fit, it can feel

(03:19):
like losing part of yourself.
You know, society is so quickto assign women value by what we
do for others, right, likemother, wife, professional,
caregiver.
We get praised for how well wehold it all together, and so we
learn to wrap our identity intothose titles.

(03:40):
We get consumed as the vines ofthose roles grow around us.
More and more we get entwined.
But then one of the roles goesaway and it feels like the
ground is gone.
We wonder if we have any worthoutside of what we've given, of

(04:03):
ourselves or what we've done.
But what we need to remember isthat those roles were never you.
They were parts of you,certainly, and they always will
be.
We can honor them and give thema special place in our being.
Honor them, give them a specialplace in our being.

(04:26):
They helped shape us and helpedus grow and challenged us and
brought us joy and heartache andlove.
But they were just that parts.
They were like costumes that wewore temporarily.
Underneath them is what'spermanent and it's whole.
You know, we can add more layersto ourselves, right, when we

(04:47):
become a mom, a wife, a CEO, anentrepreneur.
But we can also take layersaway.
We honor them and thank themfor shaping those chapters of
our lives, and then we can pullthem apart and keep the parts we
want, the parts that flow intowho we want to be in this next

(05:07):
phase of life, and then we canunbecome certain parts of those
roles that no longer suit us,the people pleasing the meekness
, the stressed part that wasalways on edge.
I'm the boss of me, you're theboss of you.
You get to choose what to keepand what to discard.
You're in that part of yourlife where you get to step into

(05:30):
your own freedom.
You now get to step into aphase that is yours, where you
get to discover what brings youpleasure, what gives you
expansion.
We're not defined by our rolesbut by our essence, who we are
deep inside, by our joie devivre.

(05:52):
I am curiosity, I am creativity, I am empathy, I am wisdom, I
am sensuality, and every day Iget to choose the pieces of
myself that are incorporatedinto who I am that day.
So give yourself permission toexplore, to desire, to choose,

(06:15):
to be bold, to express yourselfin your own way that feels true
to you.
Losing a role doesn't have tomean starting over I mean hell,
it certainly can if you want itto.
But it can also mean allowingthe woman you always were
beneath the rules, roles, titles, expectations to come out to

(06:39):
play.
Come out.
Come out wherever you are.
Okay, no wait, that sounds likea horror movie.
Anyway, this should feel likefreedom, like liberation, like
sovereignty you have theauthority to govern yourself.
So losing a role doesn't meanlosing yourself.
It's actually the opposite.

(07:01):
It's an invitation to meet thewoman you have maybe been
putting off or pushing away alittle bit, the one who isn't
defined by her job descriptionor her last name or her family
tree, or who happens to beliving in her home at that
moment.
The woman who has desires andideas and truths and quirks that

(07:26):
are completely her own, uniqueonly to her, I mean, sure,
shaped by her past but notdefined by it.
And this also isn't aboutrushing into the next role.
It's not about filling theempty space with a new title
just so you don't feel exposed.
It's about letting yourselfrediscover instead of replace.

(07:51):
If this feels familiar, if itfeels like I am speaking
directly to you, here are a fewpractices that can help.
Number one if you know me andyou've been following along so
far, you know what I'm going tosay.
Journal it out.
Ask yourself who am I when noone is needing me to be anything

(08:14):
, and then just write.
There is no pressure to have ananswer.
Maybe go wander around a shopyou love and gift yourself a new
journal for this new phase ofyour life and then you just
write when you have a moment oryou can have a specific time,
like before bed or when youfirst wake up, or maybe make it
a thing like light a candle,make some tea or your favorite

(08:38):
cocktail, whatever.
Grab your favorite pen thatwrites super smooth or writes in
hot pink, you know whateverworks for you.
Number two experiment with newpassions.
Take a class, pick up a newhobby, maybe think of something
you once loved but no longer door left behind.

(08:59):
For me, I love doing thispodcast, like I really, really
love it.
I'm also going to relearnFrench.
Mais oui, mon petit chouchou,um okay.
Number three reconnect with yourbody.
Go for walks, move in ways thatfeel good, maybe change your

(09:24):
style.
We talked about that last week.
Sometimes it's the smallestshifts in how we carry ourselves
that start to create thoseopenings where we can learn
something about ourselves.
Number four speak up and useyour voice.
Say no more often, or say yesmore often.

(09:46):
Let your truth be heard.
What you think and have to sayhas worth.
Number five create rituals ofself-expression.
Schedule time each week that isjust for you.
No agenda, no role to fill,just whatever the hell you want

(10:11):
to do.
Throw on your stretchy pantsand Netflix for a while, or go
for a bike ride, or meet up withsome friends.
Go for a long stroll.
Or meet up with some friends.
Go for a long stroll, sit andpet your dog or cat and do
nothing.
Remember you're the boss of you,so I want you to know this.
You are not lost.
You are in transition and that'sokay.
You don't have to have it allfigured out.

(10:32):
You can feel grief or relief orabsolutely any other feel you
have.
It's okay.
Roles will come and go, but thereal you is still here, ready
for you to see her, for you tochoose her.
You don't have to rebuild anidentity overnight.

(10:55):
You can take it slow and justlet the pieces of who you are
just fall out and or comeforward on their own, and the
beauty is the woman who emergesisn't smaller without the roles.
She's bigger, she's moreauthentic, she's more free.
She carries the wisdom and theexperiences forever, but she has

(11:16):
decided what serves her on thisday, at this time.
So here's my journal prompt foryou for this week.
Which role have I been mosttied to and what part of me has
been waiting underneath it?
If you'd like to share yourreflections with me on Instagram

(11:38):
, at edge of real podcast, Iwould love to hear what is
shifting for you.
Thank you for being here, forlistening, for walking this path
of rediscovery with me,coaching with me.

(11:59):
I do work with a limited numberof one-to-one clients, so feel
free to find the link in theshow notes to schedule a call
with me where we can have alittle coaching session and see
if it makes sense for us to worktogether.
So until next week, rememberyou're not lost.
You're on the edge of somethingreal.
Love you Bye-bye.