#6. You're Feeling Triggered, Now What?

Ever feel that familiar tightness in your chest when someone says something that pushes your buttons? That sensation isn't just discomfort, it's a doorway to profound personal growth.

Emotional triggers - we're taught to avoid them, manage them, or push them down. But what if these uncomfortable moments are actually powerful mirrors showing us exactly where we need to heal? In this deeply personal episode, I share a recent interaction that could have sent me spiraling into old patterns of people-pleasing and self-abandonment. Instead, it became a catalyst for standing even more firmly in my truth.

The difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking transforms how we handle triggering situations. Peacekeeping comes from smallness - abandoning our truth to maintain an illusion of harmony. Peacemaking emerges from strength - honoring ourselves while remaining kind. One drains us; the other empowers us.

Your body remembers past hurts, which is why seemingly small moments can feel so overwhelming. When someone's criticism activates old neural pathways, you're not just responding to the present moment but to every similar wound from your past. Understanding this mechanism gives you power to choose differently.

I walk you through a practical six-step process to transform triggers into growth opportunities: pause and name the emotion, regulate your nervous system with breathwork, identify the underlying belief, reframe it with compassion, take inspired action, and extend kindness to yourself throughout the process. This work is especially powerful in midlife as we shed old roles and find our authentic voices.

Ready to see your triggers not as setbacks but as signposts pointing toward your truest self? Listen now, and discover how life's most uncomfortable moments might actually be invitations to become exactly who you're meant to be.

🦋 Would you like help walking through these steps, or with accountability, or deeper dives into these topics? Interested in learning more about working 1:1 with me to transform your life in your rediscovery? Schedule a free Discovery call with me here: https://stan.store/edgeofreal

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Episode Transcript

Kristin (00:11):
Welcome back to Edge of Real, where we talk about the
real, the raw and the very oftenmessy parts of identity and
rediscovering who we are inmidlife.
I'm your host, Kristin, andtoday we're going to be talking
about something that happens toevery single one of us being
triggered.
Before I dive in, I want toacknowledge that some forms of

(00:35):
trauma impact the brain in waysthat go far beyond everyday
triggers.
If you're interested inlearning more about this, I
highly recommend the book theBody Keeps the Score by Dr
Bissell van der Kolk.
It is an incredible deep diveinto how trauma is stored and
processed in our bodies, and ifthat's an area you need support

(00:57):
in, I encourage you to reach outto a licensed therapist or
psychologist who can walk withyou through that healing.
My background and training areas a life coach, so today we'll
be talking about the kinds ofemotional triggers most of us
face Things like oldrelationship patterns, difficult
experiences or moments thatsting and shake our confidence,

(01:20):
the wounds that shape how weshow up in our everyday lives.
So let's get to it.
Now most people think of atrigger as a negative thing.
It is uncomfortable.
It's that moment when someonesays something or does something
, or we read or see or evensmell something and suddenly we

(01:42):
feel Maybe we feel defensive,small, sad, angry, ashamed.
I have a friend who has told methat even the word trigger is a
trigger and I feel that it'sbecome such a buzzword that it
carries so many connotations andthere can be a trauma response,

(02:02):
a feeling in our chest orthroat or the pit of our stomach
upon even hearing the word.
But the truth is, triggersdon't have to be the enemy.
With a reframe, they can bemirrors.
They can show us where we'reabandoning ourselves and where
we're ready to grow.
So recently I met someone whowanted to have a little too much

(02:26):
say in who I am and what Ibelieve.
They were hyper critical of mybeliefs and the second they said
these statements I felt it inmy body like this wave of
defensiveness.
I could feel myself bracing, mythroat closed a little, my
chest felt tight and I felt thisickiness in my gut and what

(02:48):
struck me was how familiar itfelt that one comment took me
right back to past relationshipswhere I was gaslit and
controlled.
Back then I stayed quiet forway too long and I made myself
small and I went along, just tokeep the peace, Keep the peace.
That's actually somethingthat's come up in a lot of

(03:11):
conversations recently, andtherefore it's been on my mind a
lot the last couple months thedifference between peacekeeping
and peacemaking.
When I look back at those oldrelationships, I can see now
that I wasn't really keeping thepeace.
I was keeping myself small, Iwas avoiding conflict at all
costs.

(03:31):
I looked so calm on the outside, but on the inside I was
abandoning myself, abandoning myown truth to keep someone else
comfortable, and that was myinstinct in this conversation as
well.
Peacemaking, though, isdifferent.
Peacemaking comes from strength, not smallness, not fear.

(03:53):
It's about standing in yourtruth, but with kindness.
It doesn't mean everyone willagree with you.
It doesn't mean the otherperson won't be uncomfortable,
but it means that you are inintegrity with you.
It doesn't mean the otherperson won't be uncomfortable,
but it means that you are inintegrity with yourself, and
that creates a deeper peace,both within you and in the space

(04:14):
that you hold with others.
For me, thinking about this inthe last little while and
learning to tell the differencehas been life-changing.
Peacekeeping drains you,Peacemaking empowers you, and I
could have so easily fallen backinto peacekeeping, but this
time, when this conversationcame at me, I reacted instead of

(04:36):
shrinking.
A short time later I paused andrealized this wasn't about them
.
The second they said thosethings, they were already
insignificant to me.
This was my mirror.
This was life asking me are yougoing to keep the peace here
and give in and be small, or areyou going to continue to make

(04:56):
peace within yourself and inyour world?
Are you reacting from oldpatterns, from dysregulation, or
are you going to approach thisopportunity from an empowered
state of worthiness andaccountability?
It was asking me are you readyto stand in your truth, even
when someone else doesn'tapprove?

(05:17):
And I found that the answer tothat question was yes.
Yes, I am.
See, our brains are wired torespond to old patterns.
When someone criticizes us or wecome up against any trigger, it
can activate the exact sameneural pathways as those painful
moments years ago and our bodyreacts like it's happening all

(05:39):
over again.
That's why it can feel so big,even when the situation itself
might be small.
Like this was someone I reallybarely knew, who had no
importance to me whatsoever, butit felt like a big moment
because my mind and my body fellback into those old feelings
and reactions.
I've worked through my past intherapy, in conversations with

(06:03):
friends and family, throughjournaling, through my own life
coach yet clearly there wasstill something left and I
clearly still need to workthrough some of it.
So, spiritually, I believe theuniverse keeps sending us
mirrors until we finally say Ichoose differently this time.

(06:24):
And I don't believe that's apunishment.
I believe it is an invitationfrom the universe to choose
yourself and then to chooseyourself again and again and
again, and make that be thepattern so we can choose to
reframe the trigger.
Instead of asking why are theydoing this to me or why is this

(06:45):
happening to me, Try asking whatis this showing me about what I
need to acknowledge or workthrough?
And for me, in my example, theanswer was clear.
I had been holding back piecesof myself.
Even now, even after all thegrowth that I've been through,
that conversation was my nudgeto claim even more of my truth

(07:10):
and, without apology, to standbold and to be firm in my
beliefs and especially in what Iknow to be true about myself,
and to not allow anyone into mylife who chooses to attempt to
make me feel small, Because Inow know that I will stand firm
for myself.
I now have further proof thatI'm stronger.

(07:32):
This interaction has nowchanged my neural pathways, the
pattern that I had.
Now it's possible that you'resaying great Kristin, really
happy for you.
So how do I actually do thismyself?
So let me give you a few stepsthat you can try the next time
you feel that sting, thattrigger happening within you.

Number one (07:52):
Pause, Name it, Feel it.
Say out loud, or to yourself Ifeel defensive or I feel small.
To yourself, I feel defensiveor I feel small.
See, naming that emotion,naming what it brings up in you,
takes away some of its powerand then give yourself a quiet
moment to feel it.
Do some of that somatic work.

(08:12):
Where in your body are youfeeling this?
And then breathe into that.
Allow yourself that moment.

Number two (08:21):
Regulate and Move the Energy.
So you want to regulate yournervous system.
You want to bring yourself backto being grounded, back to
feeling grounded.
I am a super fan of the 4-7-8breathing method.
I do this whenever I need toregulate, whenever I sit down to
meditate every day, and mostnights when I lay down to go to

(08:44):
sleep.
So we're going to do thistogether.
But let me explain it to youfirst.
You're going to breathe inthrough your nose for four.
And you want to breathe it allthe way down to your belly.
Feel your belly expand, notyour chest.
Then you'll hold it at the topfor seven.
Then you'll breathe out foreight.
And this isn't a blowing air,it's an exhale.

(09:05):
Just let the air pour out ofyou.
You can push it out bycontracting your core muscles,
but you don't need to blow withforce.
So let's try this Inhale forfour.
One, two, three, four.
Hold at the top for seven.
One, two, three, four, five,six, seven.

(09:29):
Exhale for eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Now, breathing out for longerthan you breathe in signals to
your body that you're safe.
Think about how gasping for airfeels unsafe and desperate,
right?
Well, this is the opposite.

(09:50):
So, after you take a couple ofbreaths if that works for you,
great.
Otherwise you can try someother breathing.
You want to move the energy.
Shake it it out, dance, cry ifyou need to go for a quick walk,
journal it out, jump up anddown.
Basically, you just want to getthe energy moving and out of

(10:11):
your body.

Number three (10:13):
Identify the Subconscious Belief.
Become aware.
Ask yourself what old storythat I tell myself is attached
to this.
For example, if I speak mytruth, I'll lose love, or my
opinions don't matter as much asother people's.
You want to really explore whatbeliefs you have that caused

(10:36):
this to come into your life.
What must you believe to havecreated this situation?
And once you get to the root ofthis, you can disrupt the
pattern and bring about newreality for yourself.

Which leads us to number four: Reframe that Belief. (10:48):
undefined
Try replacing it with somethingthat's actually supportive.
For example, my truth isvaluable and the right people
will respect it and me.
Once you have this reframe.
You can pull this up any time atrigger that causes this kind

(11:09):
of reaction within yourselfoccurs, and this will help you
to rewire that old belief andapproach further obstacles or
difficulties the word problem isproblematic for me, but we'll
just say obstacles ordifficulties— you can approach
those from the updated sense ofidentity and beliefs that you

(11:30):
now have and hopefullyeventually you'll get to where
this type of thing doesn't eventrigger you at all anymore.

Number five (11:36):
Take Inspired Action from the Reframe.
This is an important step.
Take inspired action from thereframe.
This is an important step.
Don't just think it.
Live it.
Maybe it's speaking up foryourself.
Maybe it's walking away fromthe situation or conversation or
whatever.
Maybe it's just sitting withyourself in your own strength

(11:57):
and your own.
Number six offer yourselfcompassion.
Remember the other person'scomments or reactions or what it
was that you experienced.
Say more about them and theirfears, their insecurities than
about you.
So in my own life and in thetransformations that I help with

(12:21):
, I personally find it to bemost powerful when we take
ownership of our own reactions,not blame ourselves by any means
.
This is in no way about blame,but taking ownership allows us
the opportunity to take backcontrol and to fix it.
When we outsource the blame, wealso outsource the power to

(12:44):
solve whatever the issue is, butacknowledge that what triggered
us was something that happenedright.
It was a stimulus.
Our response to it, that's onus.
We can work through it.
Then the very same thing couldhappen again, that same stimulus

(13:08):
, but we don't get triggered andwe don't have the same response
.
And we have thus changed ouroutcome and to me that is
transformation.
So these are the six steps tofollow to work through a trigger
.
Number one pause, name it, feelit.
Number two regulate and movethe energy.

(13:28):
Number three identify thesubconscious belief.
Number four reframe that belief.
Number five take inspiredaction from the reframe.

And number six (13:38):
Offer Yourself Compassion.
You know, this work, I believe,is especially powerful in
midlife.
So many of us are stepping outof roles, out of being a
caretaker, out of being anactive mother, out of being a
wife perhaps, and finding ourvoice in new ways.

(13:59):
But with that visibility cancome criticism, sometimes from
others, sometimes from ourselves.
We come up to new paths thatsometimes still take us to
moments that we'd hoped we'dalready worked through.
But here's what I want you tohear being triggered doesn't
have to be a setback.
It's a very normal thing andit's a growth marker.

(14:22):
It's a sign saying this iswhere you're ready to rise.
See every trigger as a doorwayback to yourself, an opportunity
to truly work through andcreate new possibilities for
your life to be exactly what youwant it to be.
So here is this week's journalprompt.

(14:42):
The last time I felt triggered,where did I feel it in my body,
and what subconscious beliefmight this reveal?
So I believe that we cannotwork toward clarity unless we
first acknowledge and bringawareness, and this journal
prompt can do just that, or atleast start that process.

(15:03):
So the next time you feelyourself triggered, allow
yourself the space to feel itand then try seeing it as a
mirror, as proof that you areready to evolve.
Thank it for the clarity.
Work through the steps we justtalked about and then take that
one small step that aligns youwith the woman that you're

(15:26):
becoming or re-becoming.
If this resonates with you,please share it with a friend or
family member.
You can follow the podcast soyou never miss an episode.
Leave us a rating or review.
This part helps so much with myvisibility and I truly want to
reach every person out there whocan benefit from what I share
here.
You can also reach out to me onInstagram at azurebrailpodcast.

(15:50):
Share with me a trigger yousometimes come up against or how
you've triumphed.
I would truly love to connect.
So thank you for being herewith me today and until next
week, remember you're not lost.
You're on the edge of somethingreal.
See you next week, love.
You're not lost.
You're on the edge of somethingreal.

(16:10):
See you next week.
Love you Bye-bye.
If what we talked about todayfeels close to home, if you're
tired of dimming yourself down,second-guessing every decision
or feeling like you've losttrack of who you really are, I
want you to know you don't haveto figure it out alone.
This is exactly the work I dowith women in my one-to-one
coaching experience.

(16:31):
Together, we talk throughwhat's keeping you stuck,
reconnect you with the truestversion of yourself and create
simple, empowering steps thathelp you move forward with
clarity, confidence and a clearpath.
Knowing the steps is one thingthing, but actually walking them
out is another.
That's where coaching becomesso powerful.
I'll be there to help you stayaccountable, to support you when

(16:54):
old habits try to pull you back, and to keep you moving forward
even when the path feels foggy.
Sometimes we all need a guide,someone who can hold the mirror,
remind us who we are and walkalongside us until we're steady
in that truth ourselves.
If you've been listening andthinking, yes, that is what I

(17:14):
need I'd love to invite you tobook a free discovery call with
me through the link in the shownotes.
In that call, we'll have a realcoaching conversation.
You'll get a feel for thesupport and clarity I can offer
and, if it feels aligned for usboth, I'll share more about what
one-on-one coaching with melooks like.
I'd love to meet you and walkthis path of rediscovery with

(17:36):
you.
Because the edge isn't the end,it's the becoming.