#8. The Weight of Shame and the Freedom Beyond It

We take a hard, honest look at shame - the kind that tells you you’re the problem - and trade the old scripts for a new practice of self-return. Along the way, we unpack how culture taught many midlife women to internalize blame, explore why younger stories are reframing shame as something external, and draw strength from surprising places: the action-packed K‑pop Demon Hunters with a deeper message and Keely Jones’s refusal to carry someone else’s violation in Ted Lasso.

I share the language that helped me separate identity from behavior, and a personal moment of catching myself mid‑edit—tempted to polish away my pauses—then choosing to leave them in as an act of unshaming. From there, we get practical with four simple tools you can use today: name the shame and bring it into the light, regulate your nervous system with 4‑7‑8 breathing, reframe with compassion by asking what you needed back then, and take one inspired action that tells your brain it’s safe to be seen. We close with a journal prompt to help you hand back what never belonged to you and a reminder that freedom isn’t earned; it’s remembered.

If you’ve been shrinking, apologizing, or second‑guessing your voice, this conversation is a gentle push toward clarity, confidence, and self-acceptance. Listen for relatable stories, actionable steps, and a steady invitation to live unashamed—without waiting for permission. If this resonates, share it with a friend who’s ready to set down her shame, subscribe for future episodes, and leave a review to help more women find their way back to themselves.

🦋 Would you like help walking through these steps, or with accountability, or deeper dives into these topics? Interested in learning more about working 1:1 with me to transform your life in your rediscovery? Schedule a free Discovery call with me here: https://stan.store/edgeofreal

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Episode Transcript

Kristin (00:07):
Welcome back to Edge of Real, a podcast for women
rediscovering who they reallyare, beyond rules, roles,
timelines, and expectations.
I'm Kristin, and I'm so gladyou're here.
Today I want to talk aboutsomething that I know lives
inside so many of us.
It can feel like a real hurdlein living as our true selves.

(00:30):
Shame.
For so many of us, it's beenone of the most powerful forces
shaping our choices and ourlives, and generally not in ways
that serve us.
So the dictionary says, just sowe're all on the same page
here, shame is an intense,painful emotion that makes a

(00:50):
person feel inherently flawed,bad, or worthless, rather than
just being wrong about aspecific action.
It's a desire to hide ordisappear, and stems from the
belief that one is unlovable andunworthy of connection.
While mild shame can play arole in socialization, excessive

(01:11):
or chronic shame can lead tonegative impacts on mental
health, including anxiety,relationship problems, low
self-esteem, and isolation.
That's all the official stuff.
So shame is is sneaky.
It's not just I made a mistake.
That's guilt.
Shame says, I am the mistake.

(01:34):
It convinces us that we are theproblem, not just we have a
problem.
And if you've ever carried thatfeeling, whether about your
body, your choices, yourdesires, or even just your
existence, you know how heavy itcan be.
It is heavy.
It lives in the shadows.
It thrives when we don't talkabout it.

(01:55):
And for a lot of us in midlife,we were raised in a culture
where shame was woven intoeverything.
You were too loud, too quiet,too much, not enough.
If you have sex, you're bad.
If you don't have sex, you'redisappointing.
Have a career.
Don't work outside the home.

(02:17):
We learned to carry the blamefor things that were never ours
to carry.
And we just got so used toswallowing shame that it became
a part of our identity.
But it doesn't have to staythere.
Before I get too far into this,I want to zoom out and talk
about what's happening in ourculture, particularly our media

(02:37):
right now, because it'sfascinating and I feel like it's
helpful.
So shame is being named,confronted, and reframed in ways
that many of us never sawmodeled when we were growing up.
I'm going to start withsomething and just please bear
with me.
So my 18-year-old daughter camehome over the summer and she'd

(03:00):
been hanging out with friends,and she's like, Mom, there is a
movie we just watched, and wegotta watch it.
Will you watch it with me rightnow?
I'm like, cool, movie night.
Let's order a pizza, grab ourblankets, let's get cozy, and
let's watch a movie.
She's like, okay, but mom, it'scalled K-pop Demon Hunters.
Okay, she really wants me towatch it.

(03:23):
Let's just do that.
For those of you who haven'tseen it, it is visually
beautiful.
It's funny, it's charming, it'ssuper fun, has empowering
music.
And on the surface, it is thiswild adventure with lots of
supernatural battles.
But underneath, it's actuallyabout battling the weight of

(03:44):
shame and confronting the waysit shows up.
The characters struggle withsecrets, with expectations that
they can't live up to, withfailures that they carry, with
fear of rejection, feelingunlovable, unworthy, those
hidden uh internal scars ofshame.
And then there's the ultimateshame, which is that that makes

(04:08):
us feel alienated and unable toconnect with others.
The characters in this moviestruggle with carrying secrets
that threaten to define them.
And an interesting thing iseven the shame of feeling shame
is addressed in this movie.
The villain who controls allthe demons does so with none

(04:29):
other than whispers of shameinside their heads.
That's literally how hecontrols them.
The characters ultimatelychoose to embrace their shame,
embrace who they are, embrace itas a part of the story of who
they are, and release it ratherthan be defined by it.

(04:50):
The message is super clear.
Shame is not proof that you arebroken.
Shame is something outside ofyou, something you can face,
something you can choose torelease.
And these younger audiences arebeing shown that shame is
externalized.
It's something you can look at,talk about, and even fight.

(05:11):
And that is a radicallydifferent message than what many
of us in midlife were taughtand grew up with to internalize
shame, to carry it silently, tobelieve that it's evidence that
we aren't worthy.
So these stories matter.
They are rewriting the scriptand they're teaching these
younger generations that shameisn't truth.

(05:33):
Shame isn't identity.
Shame is something outside ofyou and you can face it.
And that is powerful.
They're seeing shame as beingexternalized and not swallowing
a person.
They're learning that itdoesn't have to live inside them
and define who they are.
And then just one more examplein media.

(05:56):
And that is the character ofKeely Jones in Ted Lasso.
In the episode that's calledWe'll Never Have Paris, Keely's
private photos are leaked onlinewithout her consent.
And this is a moment that is sodevastating and unthinkable
that it could have crushed herwith shame, like it would many

(06:19):
people, like it has many people.
But instead of shrinking orletting it define her, Keely
does something that I stillthink about on a regular basis
and still use as a model in howto handle certain things in my
life.
She doesn't play by the oldrules.
She refuses to apologize forexisting as herself or for

(06:43):
somebody else's violation ofher.
She doesn't shrink.
She refuses to apologize forsimply being human or for her
sexuality or for her choices.
She takes control of thenarrative, she holds her head
high, and she doesn't let theshame stick to her.
She doesn't absorb it.
So think about that for asecond.

(07:05):
How many of us in our 40s, 50s,and beyond were taught that if
something like that happened, wewere to blame, that the shame
was ours to carry.
Keely models a different path.
She separates herself from theviolation, placing the
responsibility where it belongs.
And in doing so, she shows uswhat it looks like to live

(07:28):
unashamed.
And for us as womenrediscovering ourselves in
midlife, these stories can serveas an invitation to unlearn the
messages that we were handedand that we grew up with and to
start practicing a new way, anew response to this.
One that says, I will stopcarrying the shame that never

(07:52):
belonged to me in the firstplace.
I will not shrink myself foryour comfort.
I get to choose who I am.
I get to live out loud, and Iwill not apologize for my
existence.
So I would say that aboutprobably 75% or so of the women
that I have worked with are heldback in some way by shame.

(08:13):
I know how prevalent it is.
Personally, in my ownrediscovery journey, I used to
have a tendency to turn thingsthat went wrong in my personal
life into me doing somethingwrong.
Even beyond that, me beingwrong.
So this obviously resulted inme feeling shame on pretty much

(08:35):
a regular basis.
Feelings became pervasive andbasically essentially destroyed
my sense of self and myconfidence along with it.
I had this overwhelming senseof being inadequate and a very
strong desire to avoid others.
I knew that I would have to befake in front of them because of

(09:00):
how much I was hiding in shameabout just everyday things.
And I didn't want to be fake infront of them.
And so I avoided them andothers.
I would preface so many thingswith a disclaimer.
It was everything from, oh, Iprobably overcooked the meat,
but dinner's still gonna tastepretty good.

(09:22):
Or, well, it still needs work.
But here's my painting so far.
And I would say, I'm just allthe time.
I minimized myself and putshame on myself so that I
wouldn't have to feel it fromothers because I was sure that
it would.
And in doing so, I completelyabandoned myself.
I just left myself stranded.

(09:43):
But it was actually my kids whocame to my rescue as teenagers
and young adults.
They helped me see that thiswas the state I was living in.
Their unconditional love of meand their acceptance of my
faults as much as my victories.
Once I had the realization inthat way, I was then able to

(10:08):
move forward to see where in mypast this had come from and deal
with that.
Also accept it as a part of meand where I am in my story.
I really like to see thingsfrom the past as wisdom that
I've gained now rather thanregrets.

(10:28):
So this was definitely a partof that and the part of the
healing with that for me.
And then I was able to moveforward from a place of
self-acceptance and the abilityto evaluate myself and my
choices from a much healthierplace.
I have worked really hard toremove the phrase I'm just from

(10:51):
my vocabulary.
Still catch it sometimes, butI'm working on it.
Okay, this might sound a littledifferent because I'm recording
it after I recorded the fullepisode because I had a thought
and I wanted to add it inbecause it it completely

(11:11):
demonstrates the fact that we'realways growing and always
learning and alwaysrediscovering ourselves.
So I had a moment of feelingsome shame.
I was listening back to do someediting on this episode and was

(11:32):
feeling a little bit of shamearound the fact that I pause a
lot in my in the way that Italk.
Um my brain goes really, reallyfast.
And sometimes I can't keep upwith it.
And sometimes thoughts don'tcompletely get to an end before

(11:56):
I lose where that thought was inthe first place.
So I know that this is a partof how I speak.
And I want to edit those pausesout so that you don't have to
sit there thinking, like, oh, isshe gonna keep talking or
what's going on here?
And then I realized, you knowwhat?

(12:16):
That's me.
That's a part of who I am,that's part of how I talk.
So I'm going to do my best notto edit out the longer pauses
that I have and to just continueto be as real and as myself as
I can in this podcast.
So hopefully you don't mind thepauses.

(12:41):
Okay, that's it.
So back to your regularlyscheduled program.
So when I think about myjourney with all of this, I can
see now how shame shaped so manyof my decisions and of my
actions.
It was just quietly running inthe background.

(13:02):
But I've also learned that onceyou bring shame into the light,
once you name it and startletting it go, you make space
for freedom, which is sopowerful.

So here's the reframe (13:14):
shame is not proof that you're broken.
It's not your identity.
It's a signal that points to aplace where you abandoned
yourself because something inthe world told you to.
But the good news is if youabandoned yourself, that doesn't
mean you're gone and you canreturn to yourself.

(13:36):
And you can do that now.
So let's get practical here.
Let's talk about some tools andpractices to work through the
shame.
How do we actually move throughit when it rises up?
So I have four steps.
The first one is call it intothe light.
Shame grows in darkness and insilence.

(13:57):
And the moment you speak it,whether it's in a journal, to a
friend, or even just out loud toyourself, you loosen its grip
on you.
So write down the things thatyou're ashamed of and then ask:
does this actually belong to me?
Or was this given to me bysomeone else's fear or judgment?
The second is a reset withinyour body.

(14:21):
And I know I've talked aboutthis in past episodes, probably
every past episode, because Ifeel really strongly about it.
When shame shows up, it oftenlives in the body, just like
everything else.
It might be in the pit of yourstomach, it might be the heat
that rushes to your cheeks, itmight be the constricted throat.

(14:41):
So you can try this.
Breathe deeply for the count offour, hold for seven, and
exhale for eight.
I've talked about this four,seven, eight breathing.
I do this literally severaltimes a day and to fall asleep
and everything.
This reminds your nervoussystem, I am safe, I am here, I

(15:05):
am more than this moment.
Number three, reframe withcompassion.
Instead of asking, why am Ilike this?
Try what did I need back thenthat I didn't get.
Shame softens when you respondto yourself with kindness
instead of criticism.
And number four, inspiredaction.

(15:27):
Once you have that awareness,don't just sit in it.
Do one thing that moves youtoward reclaiming your power.
Speak up when you'd normallystay quiet.
Wear the outfit you thought wastoo much.
Reach out for the opportunitythat you've been trying to talk
yourself out of.
Each of these small acts tellsyour brain, I no longer live in

(15:52):
shame.
I live in freedom.
This is what I choose.
So here is your journal promptto sit with for this week.
What shame story am I stillcarrying that isn't mine to
hold?
And what becomes possible if Iset it down?
So shame is heavy, but itdoesn't have to be permanent and

(16:14):
it doesn't define you.
It is not who you are.
If you're listening right nowand you've been carrying shame
quietly, maybe even for years, Iwant you to know this.
You are not broken.
You are not too late, and youdon't have to hold it anymore.
You can let that shit go.

(16:35):
You are more powerful than yourealize, so stand in it and feel
it.
The freedom that you arecraving is already inside you.
And the moment you stopapologizing for who you are,
that is the moment you start tostep back into your life fully.
And that's what we're all herefor.
If this episode resonated, I'dlove to hear from you.

(16:56):
And please share it with afriend who you think might need
to hear this.
And remember, you do not haveto walk this alone.
So until next time, be gentlewith yourself and stay curious.
Awareness is the first step inrebecoming who you truly are.
Thank you for being here withme today.
And remember, you're not lost.

(17:18):
You're on the edge of somethingreal.
Love you.
Bye-bye.
If what we talked about todayfeels close to home, if you're
tired of dimming yourself down,second guessing every decision,
or feeling like you've losttrack of who you really are, I
want you to know you don't haveto figure it out alone.
This is exactly the work I dowith women in my one-to-one

(17:41):
coaching experience.
Together, we talk throughwhat's keeping you stuck,
reconnect you with the truestversion of yourself, and create
simple, empowering steps thathelp you move forward with
clarity, confidence, and a clearpath.
Knowing the steps is one thing,but actually walking them out
is another.
That's where coaching becomesso powerful.

(18:01):
I'll be there to help you stayaccountable, to support you when
old habits try to pull youback, and to keep you moving
forward even when the path feelsfoggy.
Sometimes we all need a guide,someone who can hold the mirror,
remind us who we are, and walkalongside us until we're steady
in that truth ourselves.

(18:21):
If you've been listening andthinking, yes, that is what I
need, I'd love to invite you tobook a free discovery call with
me through the link in the shownotes.
In that call, we'll have a realcoaching conversation.
You'll get a feel for thesupport and clarity I can offer.
And if it feels aligned for usboth, I'll share more about what
one on one coaching with melooks like.

(18:43):
I'd love to meet you and walkthis path of rediscovery with
you.
Because the edge isn't the end,it's the becoming.