February 3, 2025 • 27 mins
Unlock the secrets to effective conflict resolution and transform your leadership skills with insights from Principal JL in the latest episode of the Coach"Em Up Leadership Series. Discover how mastering the art of difficult conversations can make you a more effective leader in education, by learning to navigate complex situations with empathy and clarity. We'll guide you through creating safe, neutral spaces for dialogue and the critical practice of active listening to understand the root causes of conflicts. Through strategic documentation and collaborative brainstorming, find out how to foster lasting solutions that ensure all voices are heard.
Join us as we delve into the nuances of communication, where being direct yet empathetic plays a crucial role in outlining expectations and consequences. Gain practical tips on preparing for open dialogues by removing physical barriers and maintaining transparency. Reflecting on these exchanges is key, and we’ll show you how to use these experiences for growth. Plus, we emphasize the importance of self-care to recharge for future challenges. Whether you're dealing with students, parents, faculty, or community members, this episode equips you with the tools to lead with confidence and compassion in the people-centered world of education.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Principal JL (00:09):
Hello everybody, this is Principal JL and I'm
excited to be back for anotherepisode of the Coach Em Up
Leadership Series.
Today we are going to talkabout managing conflict and
difficult conversations.
Now, this is a part of the joba lot of people don't talk about
, but this is a very importantpart of your position as a
(00:30):
principal, but it's somethingthat it's necessary because you
have to be able to, as aprincipal, to solve conflict and
resolve it, and you also needto be able to have those
difficult conversations.
Now, there's lots of ways youcan be resolving a conflict or
having difficult conversations.
(00:51):
The main ways as a principal iswe are going to be working with
students.
Those are people we're going tobe working with when it comes
to resolving conflict and tohave some difficult
conversations.
You're going to also have theseconversations with parents,
guardians, maybe some communitymembers from time to time, but
(01:12):
also with your faculty, yourteachers and your staff.
You're going to have to havethese type of difficult
conversations and if you can getreally good at being able to
resolve conflict and to havedifficult conversations, it's
just going to make your abilityto lead better.
It just will be.
(01:33):
We got to remember, asprincipals, we are in the people
business.
We are in the business ofhelping people, no matter where
they're at.
You know, it doesn't matter ifthey're a student, you know a
teacher, a parent, a staffmember, it doesn't matter.
We want to help those peopleresolve those issues.
But also, you know, have thosedifficult conversations when you
(01:54):
need to have them.
Now I'm going to be honest,this is probably the least
favorite part of being aprincipal is to have these
conversations, because sometimeswe look at it as you know, why
should I be having thisconversation?
This is dumb, like thesituation shouldn't get to this
point.
(02:14):
But at the same time, we aredealing with people, we are
dealing with other humans andguess what?
They're going to have conflict,they're going to have things
that they're going to needaddressed, and so that is your
job as a principal is to resolvethose issues, move on.
But also you want to helppeople in the process of this
(02:37):
conflict.
Like I said, you could beresolving a conflict with a
student, a parent, a guardian,maybe a community member or a
staff member.
Okay, it could be any one ofthose things, but there's basic
things that you need to be ableto do to help resolve those
conflicts.
Let's go ahead, and first thingyou need to do is acknowledge
(03:02):
that there is a conflict, likeyou can't sit there and see
something or hear something orget stuff brought to you and
ignore the situation.
Okay, as a principal, peoplebring things to me all the time
Like it could be a student issue, it could be a staff issue, it
could be a parent issue.
It comes to my attention.
I want to resolve that conflictas quick as I can, but I also
(03:25):
want to do it in a way thathelps people.
First thing I got to be able todo is go okay, there's a
situation.
And once I figure out that, yep, there's a conflict, next thing
I want to do is to be able tocreate a safe environment or
space for people to discuss thatsituation.
So it's all about how you havepeople come to you, how do you
(03:48):
allow them to approach, but also, you also want to be in a
neutral position.
You don't want to sit there andit's not the time to have an
authoritarian.
You know, demeanor, it's justhey, I'm here to listen, I'm
here to take down someinformation.
You might write yourself somenotes, but at the same time,
you're just taking in theinformation that you need to be
(04:11):
able to look at.
So to be able to create a safeenvironment is super important,
because that puts people at ease, they're able to tell you
what's going on and then you cango ahead and allow that
information to come so you canreceive it, but also to validate
the person's situation that'sgoing on.
And while you're doing that, asyou're taking this information,
(04:35):
you might ask some follow-upquestions.
You might rephrase hey, this iswhat I'm understanding you
saying.
Do I understand the situation?
Yes, because what you want tobe able to do is you want to be
able to identify the root causeas quickly as possible, because
that's what you got to tackle tofind the solutions.
And then, once you're able tonail down whatever that root
(04:57):
cause is, then you startcollaborating with that person.
Or you might need to bring someother people in to collaborate,
because that might be more thanone person that's.
Or you might need to bring someother people in to collaborate,
because that might be more thanone person that's involved, and
you might have to go, do alittle investigation, try to
figure out, hey, what's theother person's side?
Try to figure out like, hey,how can we work this problem and
(05:19):
find a solution.
So being able to collaborateand brainstorm with people while
you're doing that to help findsolutions, is important.
Now for me as a principal, Iwant to sit there and
collaborate.
I also want them to think aboutokay, this is a situation, this
is the root cause, what aresome solutions, what are steps
that maybe you can take so thisdoesn't happen again?
(05:40):
Or what are some things that wecan figure out that everybody
involved here can do, so thisresult doesn't happen again?
Or what are some things that wecan figure out that everybody
involved here can do, so thisresult doesn't happen again?
So be able to drill down thatroot cause, but also to be able
to collaborate to find solutions, is the next step when it comes
to resolving just conflicts,and these conflicts can be small
, these conflicts can be bigger.
(06:01):
It just depends on whatsituation you're doing and then,
as a leader, you want tomonitor that situation.
You want to go okay, here's theproblem, here's some solutions,
let's monitor that solution.
Now, this may be something thatyou do just to follow up.
Hey, you know, I want to followup with that student, with that
(06:22):
parent, with that teacher, withthat staff member.
I want to follow up and go withthat parent, with that teacher,
with that staff member.
I want to follow up and go hey,how's it going?
There was this conflict youguys had.
I want to see how it's goingbecause I want to know if it's
getting better or if it'sgetting worse, because then you
can be able to take action onthings you need to be able to do
, depending on the situation.
So I always want to be able tofollow up with the solutions.
(07:10):
No-transcript Google doc.
Some people will write it down.
I will have a documentationwhere I will.
I will write down thissituation just so I can remember
what's going on.
So if this ever comes back up,I have documentation to fall
(07:30):
back on so I can see okay, theseare steps we've already taken
and maybe there's other stepswe've got to take with that
situation.
So that's another piece isbeing able to document these
situations.
So you always have something tofall back to refresh, because
this may come up two monthslater and you can go back two
months ago and say, hey, twomonths ago this happened, this
(07:51):
was what we were trying to solve, so it sounds like it's not
getting better.
So maybe we got to figure out adifferent solution or try to
help that conflict even getresolved even more.
A lot of times that thesituation gets resolved, you
know, I would say in myexperience, you know, eight out
of 10 times it gets resolved thefirst shot.
(08:12):
But that's because I take thesesteps right.
I want to do these steps, thesethings, to help resolve these
conflicts so we can move on,because when we have conflict,
we're not, we're not gettingbetter, we're not able to be the
best versions of ourselves, butalso we can grow it and learn
from those conflicts.
As a teacher, as a student, as aparent, staff member, community
(08:49):
member, whoever you are, as aprincipal, your whole goal is to
help people find solutions sothey can move on or get better
and relearn from thosesituations.
The other thing is you want tobe able to consider other
avenues.
So sometimes there's situationsto where you may not be able to
(09:12):
fix it, but you may be able tolead people to therapy or
external means of getting help.
As a principal, sometimes wefeel like we're counselors.
You, you know, sometimes wefeel like we're therapists, but
that's not really our wheelhouse.
So sometimes we need to findthose external resources to help
(09:33):
people.
Hey, this sounds like it'sdeeper than here.
Maybe there's some externalthings that you can maybe point
into, some resources to helpthem.
It comes to resolving conflictsis you want to be able to
reflect and learn from it, right, and so, as a principal, you
(09:54):
want to try to help the peoplethat are in conflict.
You know, not right away, butlater.
Hey, reflect on it, learn fromit and grow from it as a leader.
How did I handle that conflict?
Did I do it the appropriate way?
Did I learn something from thatconflict?
That conflict Did I do it theappropriate way?
Did I learn something from thatconflict?
How could I learn and grow as aleader when you have those
difficult situations that youhave to address?
(10:15):
So that's the first thing Iwant to talk about is just
resolving conflict.
Just to go back and to wrap itall together is acknowledge the
conflict, find the root cause.
You don't want to collaboratewith people.
You want to monitor thatsituation.
You want to make sure you'redocumenting, keeping records,
something I learned in themilitary they always tell you
(10:36):
document, document, document.
But that's mainly so you can goback and review it if that
situation ever comes up again.
But there also might be asituation that comes up.
That's very similar and you go,you know what, based off of my
experience, this is how Ihandled it.
I'm going to be consistent andhandle it the same way with
other people as well.
(10:56):
And then be able to empathizewith people is another thing is
you got to be able to haveempathy.
You got to be able to putyourselves in their shoes and
understand where they're at, butyet, at the same time, you want
to try to help them throughthat conflict, and then you want
(11:16):
to be able to reflect and learnfrom those conflicts and those
difficult situations as needed.
The second thing I'm going toreally talk about today is
having difficult conversations.
This part is probably the partI'm going to be honest, the part
I don't like as much.
I mean, when you have to havethose difficult conversations,
you just got to have them and Iget it Like that's my job.
I got to have theseconversations.
So a lot like resolvingconflicts.
You don't want to ignore thesedifficult conflicts, but there
(11:38):
are things you need to do to beready, because you don't want to
wing these conversations,because a lot of times,
especially if you're dealingwith staff members, you might be
talking to them through adifficult conversation that
might lead to more consequencesor actions that you might have
to take, and that's not fun foranybody when you have to do that
(11:59):
as a principal when it comes tothese difficult conversations.
So here's some things you canthink about when you're talking
about having difficultconversations with students,
parents, guard I mean, it couldbe anybody, but you're going to
have to have these conversationsas a leader, and so here's some
things you need to be able todo.
So the first thing we got to beable to do when having difficult
(12:21):
conversations is we got to beprepared right.
We got to be able to under havethe key information together
and we got to have all the facts.
We want to be able to have thekey information together and we
got to have all the facts.
We want to gather all the facts.
It doesn't matter whoever'sinvolved with it.
You got to get all the factstogether.
You got to be able to list itall down.
You got to have it all writtendown.
You got to be able toanticipate responses, because
(12:41):
when you have these difficultconversations, you're dealing
with human beings.
You're dealing with people andit's going to make them
uncomfortable.
Human beings.
You're dealing with people andthey're not.
It's going to make themuncomfortable.
They're not going to enjoyhaving these difficult
conversations because it'ssomething either they did or
they're involved with.
That doesn't bring a lot ofcomfort.
It's something that'suncomfortable for them, and so
(13:03):
you want to be able to just havethe facts.
You want to be able to beprepared so you can understand
all sides and all perspectiveswhen it comes to having these
difficult conversations.
The next thing you want to beable to do is you want to set
the stage.
You want to be professional,you want to be able to have a
welcoming environment to putthem at ease, because when you
(13:24):
have these difficultconversations, they probably
already know what's coming.
They probably already know that, hey, this is going to be a
tough conversation and you wantto kind of put them at ease and
set the stage when you havethese things.
So things I like to do is youknow, I don't like to sit behind
my desk.
You know, to have thesedifficult conversations.
(13:44):
I actually have a littleconferencing table area, you
know, and where I will sit,where we can meet face to face.
I can be able to have theinformation in front of me, and
a lot of times I'll have someonein there recording those
difficult conversations, becauseI don't want it to be a he said
, she said or he said, he saidsituation.
(14:06):
I want to have someone in thereto record the conversation so
there's transparency foreveryone, and it's more so just
to help everybody stay at easewhen you have those difficult
conversations.
So, setting the stage andletting people know hey, this is
what this conversation is goingto be about, come ready for it,
(14:26):
come ready for it and then,when you start the conversation,
you'll be very clear theintention of the discussion,
what the situation is.
Here's the facts.
State of facts.
As a principal, you got to keepyour emotions in check and you
got to keep your bias out of it.
You got to keep your emotionsout of it.
You just want to make it.
(14:46):
You know.
Hey, I'm here to help you.
This is a part of the job Idon't enjoy, but yet it's
necessary because this situationneeds to be resolved and this
is what I need to do to help you, but also for you to help
yourself, so you can learn andgrow as well.
You want to be very clear withthat staff member what that
(15:08):
conversation is about, but youalso be very clear what the
facts are.
These are the facts, and thenyou want to be able to give them
a chance to talk.
So this is probably the keyright here is to be an active
listener.
So you want to be able topresent the facts.
Then you want to give them anopportunity to respond and be
able to have a conversation withyou.
(15:29):
You don't want to sit there andjust unload on them all these
things, listen to them all down,but have a conversation saying,
hey, this is what happened,these are the concerns, what's
your side of it?
And you may have some otherside, but yet you're giving them
an opportunity for you tovalidate the situation, for them
(15:50):
to be heard and seen in thatconversation.
So, being able to activelylisten, being able to follow up
with them, make sure you aregiving them feedback when you're
actively listening so theyunderstand that you heard them
and then validate them.
A lot of times in theseconversations there's going to
be emotions, all right, and, asas a leader, yes, you could be
(16:14):
emotional as well, but you gotto kind of keep that in check.
You got to kind of keep youremotion to where.
Hey, I'm, I'm empathetic, I canunderstand where you're at.
Here's the expectations, here'sthe why behind it.
But yet I'm here to help.
Like I think if you come outwith the um, you come at it with
I'm here to help you instead ofyou're in trouble and you know,
(16:36):
blah, blah, blah.
You shouldn't do this.
You need to come with anempathetic, you know, demeanor
to where.
Hey, this sucks.
Like I understand where you'reat.
This is the situation and thisis why we're here today on this
situation, so, being able toactively listen and let them get
that out, what you're doing isyou're also building trust
(16:59):
within that situation.
You also want to be direct.
There's times to be direct inthis job, you know, and people
think direct leadershipshouldn't be a part of it, but
there's times where you got tobe direct and say, hey, you know
what, this is what happened,and you're just being direct
with them.
You're being, a matter of fact,to where we can't have this,
(17:23):
because this is our expectationflat out.
And here's the consequencesbecause of this situation.
Like I said, this could be aconversation with anybody
student, parent, guardian, staffmember, anybody and so every
situation is different, but theyhave a common theme that you
can work through when you'rehaving these difficult
conversations, but when you're adirector, you're also
(17:46):
compassionate, you're empathetic, and explaining a why is super
important Like this is why thisexpectation exists.
This is what we need to be ableto be tight on.
This is the things we got to beable to do, and if you got to
be able to explain that and yougot to have all this stuff down
before you run into that meetingand have these situations
because the more organized youare, the more prepared you are,
(18:08):
the better these conversationsare going to go.
And then you want to be timelywith this information.
You don't want to sit on thisstuff for weeks on end.
You want to address theseissues and have these
conversations, you know, quicklyas possible.
The reason is so you can moveon, so you can help that person
move on from the situation aswell, and then, as a principal,
(18:30):
you can do what you got to doand resolve in the next
situation or mitigating the nexttype of problem that you are
resolving, the next issue thatyou might have coming up, be
able to time it down to where.
Hey, I want to get thisresolved as quickly as possible,
because that's what's best foreverybody in these situations,
especially when you're dealingwith tough, difficult
(18:51):
conversations and I always feelbetter after I have these
conversations, like I've I kindof dread having them, and then,
once I have them and then theygo well, I felt that was that,
was that was great to get asolution and resolve that
situation and kind of put itbehind you because, yes, you put
it behind you but you will alsofollow up with that person in
(19:15):
in the weeks to come, the daysto come, just to see how things
are going.
Like, how can you, you knowbetter, support them and help
them, um, with that situation?
Are they doing better?
You know, and sometimes thesesituations, when you're having
these difficult conversations,you might have to have an action
plan, you might have to havesome work.
Some people call it letter ofclarification, and that's not to
(19:36):
be a jerk.
You're just holdingexpectations, that you're
holding for everybody, but it'sso people can understand like,
hey, we have an expectation wehave to uphold and I'm going to
follow up on that, and that'sjust you doing your job as a
principal.
You want to help people reflecton these outcomes or you want
to help them reflect on theseconversations, because, as a
principal, you want to reflecton these situations as well.
(19:58):
How did I handle that.
How could I have done betterwith handling it?
But also, the more you handlethese situations, you're going
to have an experience thatyou're going to draw back on,
because I'm telling you, itwon't be the last time you
handle a difficult situation orhave a difficult conversation
and you want to be able to drawback on those experiences and
you want to be able to reflecton those outcomes because, hey,
(20:21):
you may not handle thatsituation perfectly, you may not
handle it correctly the firsttime, but the more you do this
job and the better experienceyou are, you're going to have
those experiences to draw backon.
And so you got to be able toreflect on the outcomes from
these difficult conversationsand how they go.
And also, after having thesedifficult conversations, the
(20:42):
final thing you want to be ableto do is you want to be able to
take practice.
Self-care guys Like.
This job is tough, it's hard,it can be draining, but you have
to have some sort of way todecompress.
Some people like to work out,some people like to read books,
Some people like to do thedishes, clean the house.
I mean, there's things peopledo to decompress.
(21:03):
I like to go on walks.
I call them, my decompressionwalks.
So if I get out in a buildingI'm having a rough day, I get
out and I walk around.
That makes me feel betterbecause I'm able to think
through things, I'm able to kindof just decompress from the
situation and I'm able to kindof bring myself to center, to
(21:24):
where I am like okay, my mind'sright, I'm ready to tackle the
next thing.
And so I've done that, you know, a few times.
It's just me, having physicalactivity or walking and doing
things helps me.
But I also will do that whenI'm getting ready to have a
difficult conversation, becauseI like to think things through,
I like to make sure I have allthe information together.
(21:44):
I know how I'm going to havethis conversation.
I replay it in my head.
But also I'm able to have timeto get myself in a right mindset
for those difficultconversations as well.
And I do that at the end to getmy mindset after and I'll tell
you what, after these difficultconversations and I decompress
(22:05):
after them I feel really good.
I feel really good about, hey,that conversation went well, or
maybe it didn't go well, but Ihave to think through that and
understand what I can do better.
But also, you know, did I helpthat situation get resolved and
so be able to practice self-care, have something to recharge
yourself so you can tackle therest of either the day or the
(22:28):
week, or maybe you do some ofthese difficult conversations
towards the end of the week.
You have the weekend to reallykind of get yourself set for the
upcoming week that you havecoming.
So there you guys have it.
That is, resolving conflictsand having difficult
conversations.
I hope this episode was valuableto you, because a lot of people
(22:50):
don't sit there and talk abouthaving these conversations.
This is probably the leastglamorous part of the job and
the position, but they'renecessary.
It's important for us to beable to have conflict resolution
skills.
It's also important for us tobe able to have difficult
conversations.
These are things they talkabout but they never put in
(23:12):
practice before you become aprincipal, and so I hope you
guys find value in this episodeand it really speaks to you.
So if this episode brings valueto you, I would love to hear
back from you.
So hit me up in the fan mail,let me know if this episode was
meaningful, but also maybe bringin some of your own ideas on
(23:32):
how to have difficultconversations and resolving
conflicts, cause you know thisisn't the.
You know the one way to do it.
There's a lot of different ways, but this is a way that works
for me and I hope it works foryou.
Until next time, everybody, Ihope you guys are always looking
to be 1% better.
Hello everybody, this is Principal JL and I'm
excited to be back for anotherepisode of the Coach Em Up
Leadership Series.
Today we are going to talkabout managing conflict and
difficult conversations.
Now, this is a part of the joba lot of people don't talk about
, but this is a very importantpart of your position as a
(00:30):
principal, but it's somethingthat it's necessary because you
have to be able to, as aprincipal, to solve conflict and
resolve it, and you also needto be able to have those
difficult conversations.
Now, there's lots of ways youcan be resolving a conflict or
having difficult conversations.
(00:51):
The main ways as a principal iswe are going to be working with
students.
Those are people we're going tobe working with when it comes
to resolving conflict and tohave some difficult
conversations.
You're going to also have theseconversations with parents,
guardians, maybe some communitymembers from time to time, but
(01:12):
also with your faculty, yourteachers and your staff.
You're going to have to havethese type of difficult
conversations and if you can getreally good at being able to
resolve conflict and to havedifficult conversations, it's
just going to make your abilityto lead better.
It just will be.
(01:33):
We got to remember, asprincipals, we are in the people
business.
We are in the business ofhelping people, no matter where
they're at.
You know, it doesn't matter ifthey're a student, you know a
teacher, a parent, a staffmember, it doesn't matter.
We want to help those peopleresolve those issues.
But also, you know, have thosedifficult conversations when you
(01:54):
need to have them.
Now I'm going to be honest,this is probably the least
favorite part of being aprincipal is to have these
conversations, because sometimeswe look at it as you know, why
should I be having thisconversation?
This is dumb, like thesituation shouldn't get to this
point.
(02:14):
But at the same time, we aredealing with people, we are
dealing with other humans andguess what?
They're going to have conflict,they're going to have things
that they're going to needaddressed, and so that is your
job as a principal is to resolvethose issues, move on.
But also you want to helppeople in the process of this
(02:37):
conflict.
Like I said, you could beresolving a conflict with a
student, a parent, a guardian,maybe a community member or a
staff member.
Okay, it could be any one ofthose things, but there's basic
things that you need to be ableto do to help resolve those
conflicts.
Let's go ahead, and first thingyou need to do is acknowledge
(03:02):
that there is a conflict, likeyou can't sit there and see
something or hear something orget stuff brought to you and
ignore the situation.
Okay, as a principal, peoplebring things to me all the time
Like it could be a student issue, it could be a staff issue, it
could be a parent issue.
It comes to my attention.
I want to resolve that conflictas quick as I can, but I also
(03:25):
want to do it in a way thathelps people.
First thing I got to be able todo is go okay, there's a
situation.
And once I figure out that, yep, there's a conflict, next thing
I want to do is to be able tocreate a safe environment or
space for people to discuss thatsituation.
So it's all about how you havepeople come to you, how do you
(03:48):
allow them to approach, but also, you also want to be in a
neutral position.
You don't want to sit there andit's not the time to have an
authoritarian.
You know, demeanor, it's justhey, I'm here to listen, I'm
here to take down someinformation.
You might write yourself somenotes, but at the same time,
you're just taking in theinformation that you need to be
(04:11):
able to look at.
So to be able to create a safeenvironment is super important,
because that puts people at ease, they're able to tell you
what's going on and then you cango ahead and allow that
information to come so you canreceive it, but also to validate
the person's situation that'sgoing on.
And while you're doing that, asyou're taking this information,
(04:35):
you might ask some follow-upquestions.
You might rephrase hey, this iswhat I'm understanding you
saying.
Do I understand the situation?
Yes, because what you want tobe able to do is you want to be
able to identify the root causeas quickly as possible, because
that's what you got to tackle tofind the solutions.
And then, once you're able tonail down whatever that root
(04:57):
cause is, then you startcollaborating with that person.
Or you might need to bring someother people in to collaborate,
because that might be more thanone person that's.
Or you might need to bring someother people in to collaborate,
because that might be more thanone person that's involved, and
you might have to go, do alittle investigation, try to
figure out, hey, what's theother person's side?
Try to figure out like, hey,how can we work this problem and
(05:19):
find a solution.
So being able to collaborateand brainstorm with people while
you're doing that to help findsolutions, is important.
Now for me as a principal, Iwant to sit there and
collaborate.
I also want them to think aboutokay, this is a situation, this
is the root cause, what aresome solutions, what are steps
that maybe you can take so thisdoesn't happen again?
(05:40):
Or what are some things that wecan figure out that everybody
involved here can do, so thisresult doesn't happen again?
Or what are some things that wecan figure out that everybody
involved here can do, so thisresult doesn't happen again?
So be able to drill down thatroot cause, but also to be able
to collaborate to find solutions, is the next step when it comes
to resolving just conflicts,and these conflicts can be small
, these conflicts can be bigger.
(06:01):
It just depends on whatsituation you're doing and then,
as a leader, you want tomonitor that situation.
You want to go okay, here's theproblem, here's some solutions,
let's monitor that solution.
Now, this may be something thatyou do just to follow up.
Hey, you know, I want to followup with that student, with that
(06:22):
parent, with that teacher, withthat staff member.
I want to follow up and go withthat parent, with that teacher,
with that staff member.
I want to follow up and go hey,how's it going?
There was this conflict youguys had.
I want to see how it's goingbecause I want to know if it's
getting better or if it'sgetting worse, because then you
can be able to take action onthings you need to be able to do
, depending on the situation.
So I always want to be able tofollow up with the solutions.
(07:10):
No-transcript Google doc.
Some people will write it down.
I will have a documentationwhere I will.
I will write down thissituation just so I can remember
what's going on.
So if this ever comes back up,I have documentation to fall
(07:30):
back on so I can see okay, theseare steps we've already taken
and maybe there's other stepswe've got to take with that
situation.
So that's another piece isbeing able to document these
situations.
So you always have something tofall back to refresh, because
this may come up two monthslater and you can go back two
months ago and say, hey, twomonths ago this happened, this
(07:51):
was what we were trying to solve, so it sounds like it's not
getting better.
So maybe we got to figure out adifferent solution or try to
help that conflict even getresolved even more.
A lot of times that thesituation gets resolved, you
know, I would say in myexperience, you know, eight out
of 10 times it gets resolved thefirst shot.
(08:12):
But that's because I take thesesteps right.
I want to do these steps, thesethings, to help resolve these
conflicts so we can move on,because when we have conflict,
we're not, we're not gettingbetter, we're not able to be the
best versions of ourselves, butalso we can grow it and learn
from those conflicts.
As a teacher, as a student, as aparent, staff member, community
(08:49):
member, whoever you are, as aprincipal, your whole goal is to
help people find solutions sothey can move on or get better
and relearn from thosesituations.
The other thing is you want tobe able to consider other
avenues.
So sometimes there's situationsto where you may not be able to
(09:12):
fix it, but you may be able tolead people to therapy or
external means of getting help.
As a principal, sometimes wefeel like we're counselors.
You, you know, sometimes wefeel like we're therapists, but
that's not really our wheelhouse.
So sometimes we need to findthose external resources to help
(09:33):
people.
Hey, this sounds like it'sdeeper than here.
Maybe there's some externalthings that you can maybe point
into, some resources to helpthem.
It comes to resolving conflictsis you want to be able to
reflect and learn from it, right, and so, as a principal, you
(09:54):
want to try to help the peoplethat are in conflict.
You know, not right away, butlater.
Hey, reflect on it, learn fromit and grow from it as a leader.
How did I handle that conflict?
Did I do it the appropriate way?
Did I learn something from thatconflict?
That conflict Did I do it theappropriate way?
Did I learn something from thatconflict?
How could I learn and grow as aleader when you have those
difficult situations that youhave to address?
(10:15):
So that's the first thing Iwant to talk about is just
resolving conflict.
Just to go back and to wrap itall together is acknowledge the
conflict, find the root cause.
You don't want to collaboratewith people.
You want to monitor thatsituation.
You want to make sure you'redocumenting, keeping records,
something I learned in themilitary they always tell you
(10:36):
document, document, document.
But that's mainly so you can goback and review it if that
situation ever comes up again.
But there also might be asituation that comes up.
That's very similar and you go,you know what, based off of my
experience, this is how Ihandled it.
I'm going to be consistent andhandle it the same way with
other people as well.
(10:56):
And then be able to empathizewith people is another thing is
you got to be able to haveempathy.
You got to be able to putyourselves in their shoes and
understand where they're at, butyet, at the same time, you want
to try to help them throughthat conflict, and then you want
(11:16):
to be able to reflect and learnfrom those conflicts and those
difficult situations as needed.
The second thing I'm going toreally talk about today is
having difficult conversations.
This part is probably the partI'm going to be honest, the part
I don't like as much.
I mean, when you have to havethose difficult conversations,
you just got to have them and Iget it Like that's my job.
I got to have theseconversations.
So a lot like resolvingconflicts.
You don't want to ignore thesedifficult conflicts, but there
(11:38):
are things you need to do to beready, because you don't want to
wing these conversations,because a lot of times,
especially if you're dealingwith staff members, you might be
talking to them through adifficult conversation that
might lead to more consequencesor actions that you might have
to take, and that's not fun foranybody when you have to do that
(11:59):
as a principal when it comes tothese difficult conversations.
So here's some things you canthink about when you're talking
about having difficultconversations with students,
parents, guard I mean, it couldbe anybody, but you're going to
have to have these conversationsas a leader, and so here's some
things you need to be able todo.
So the first thing we got to beable to do when having difficult
(12:21):
conversations is we got to beprepared right.
We got to be able to under havethe key information together
and we got to have all the facts.
We want to be able to have thekey information together and we
got to have all the facts.
We want to gather all the facts.
It doesn't matter whoever'sinvolved with it.
You got to get all the factstogether.
You got to be able to list itall down.
You got to have it all writtendown.
You got to be able toanticipate responses, because
(12:41):
when you have these difficultconversations, you're dealing
with human beings.
You're dealing with people andit's going to make them
uncomfortable.
Human beings.
You're dealing with people andthey're not.
It's going to make themuncomfortable.
They're not going to enjoyhaving these difficult
conversations because it'ssomething either they did or
they're involved with.
That doesn't bring a lot ofcomfort.
It's something that'suncomfortable for them, and so
(13:03):
you want to be able to just havethe facts.
You want to be able to beprepared so you can understand
all sides and all perspectiveswhen it comes to having these
difficult conversations.
The next thing you want to beable to do is you want to set
the stage.
You want to be professional,you want to be able to have a
welcoming environment to putthem at ease, because when you
(13:24):
have these difficultconversations, they probably
already know what's coming.
They probably already know that, hey, this is going to be a
tough conversation and you wantto kind of put them at ease and
set the stage when you havethese things.
So things I like to do is youknow, I don't like to sit behind
my desk.
You know, to have thesedifficult conversations.
(13:44):
I actually have a littleconferencing table area, you
know, and where I will sit,where we can meet face to face.
I can be able to have theinformation in front of me, and
a lot of times I'll have someonein there recording those
difficult conversations, becauseI don't want it to be a he said
, she said or he said, he saidsituation.
(14:06):
I want to have someone in thereto record the conversation so
there's transparency foreveryone, and it's more so just
to help everybody stay at easewhen you have those difficult
conversations.
So, setting the stage andletting people know hey, this is
what this conversation is goingto be about, come ready for it,
(14:26):
come ready for it and then,when you start the conversation,
you'll be very clear theintention of the discussion,
what the situation is.
Here's the facts.
State of facts.
As a principal, you got to keepyour emotions in check and you
got to keep your bias out of it.
You got to keep your emotionsout of it.
You just want to make it.
(14:46):
You know.
Hey, I'm here to help you.
This is a part of the job Idon't enjoy, but yet it's
necessary because this situationneeds to be resolved and this
is what I need to do to help you, but also for you to help
yourself, so you can learn andgrow as well.
You want to be very clear withthat staff member what that
(15:08):
conversation is about, but youalso be very clear what the
facts are.
These are the facts, and thenyou want to be able to give them
a chance to talk.
So this is probably the keyright here is to be an active
listener.
So you want to be able topresent the facts.
Then you want to give them anopportunity to respond and be
able to have a conversation withyou.
(15:29):
You don't want to sit there andjust unload on them all these
things, listen to them all down,but have a conversation saying,
hey, this is what happened,these are the concerns, what's
your side of it?
And you may have some otherside, but yet you're giving them
an opportunity for you tovalidate the situation, for them
(15:50):
to be heard and seen in thatconversation.
So, being able to activelylisten, being able to follow up
with them, make sure you aregiving them feedback when you're
actively listening so theyunderstand that you heard them
and then validate them.
A lot of times in theseconversations there's going to
be emotions, all right, and, asas a leader, yes, you could be
(16:14):
emotional as well, but you gotto kind of keep that in check.
You got to kind of keep youremotion to where.
Hey, I'm, I'm empathetic, I canunderstand where you're at.
Here's the expectations, here'sthe why behind it.
But yet I'm here to help.
Like I think if you come outwith the um, you come at it with
I'm here to help you instead ofyou're in trouble and you know,
(16:36):
blah, blah, blah.
You shouldn't do this.
You need to come with anempathetic, you know, demeanor
to where.
Hey, this sucks.
Like I understand where you'reat.
This is the situation and thisis why we're here today on this
situation, so, being able toactively listen and let them get
that out, what you're doing isyou're also building trust
(16:59):
within that situation.
You also want to be direct.
There's times to be direct inthis job, you know, and people
think direct leadershipshouldn't be a part of it, but
there's times where you got tobe direct and say, hey, you know
what, this is what happened,and you're just being direct
with them.
You're being, a matter of fact,to where we can't have this,
(17:23):
because this is our expectationflat out.
And here's the consequencesbecause of this situation.
Like I said, this could be aconversation with anybody
student, parent, guardian, staffmember, anybody and so every
situation is different, but theyhave a common theme that you
can work through when you'rehaving these difficult
conversations, but when you're adirector, you're also
(17:46):
compassionate, you're empathetic, and explaining a why is super
important Like this is why thisexpectation exists.
This is what we need to be ableto be tight on.
This is the things we got to beable to do, and if you got to
be able to explain that and yougot to have all this stuff down
before you run into that meetingand have these situations
because the more organized youare, the more prepared you are,
(18:08):
the better these conversationsare going to go.
And then you want to be timelywith this information.
You don't want to sit on thisstuff for weeks on end.
You want to address theseissues and have these
conversations, you know, quicklyas possible.
The reason is so you can moveon, so you can help that person
move on from the situation aswell, and then, as a principal,
(18:30):
you can do what you got to doand resolve in the next
situation or mitigating the nexttype of problem that you are
resolving, the next issue thatyou might have coming up, be
able to time it down to where.
Hey, I want to get thisresolved as quickly as possible,
because that's what's best foreverybody in these situations,
especially when you're dealingwith tough, difficult
(18:51):
conversations and I always feelbetter after I have these
conversations, like I've I kindof dread having them, and then,
once I have them and then theygo well, I felt that was that,
was that was great to get asolution and resolve that
situation and kind of put itbehind you because, yes, you put
it behind you but you will alsofollow up with that person in
(19:15):
in the weeks to come, the daysto come, just to see how things
are going.
Like, how can you, you knowbetter, support them and help
them, um, with that situation?
Are they doing better?
You know, and sometimes thesesituations, when you're having
these difficult conversations,you might have to have an action
plan, you might have to havesome work.
Some people call it letter ofclarification, and that's not to
(19:36):
be a jerk.
You're just holdingexpectations, that you're
holding for everybody, but it'sso people can understand like,
hey, we have an expectation wehave to uphold and I'm going to
follow up on that, and that'sjust you doing your job as a
principal.
You want to help people reflecton these outcomes or you want
to help them reflect on theseconversations, because, as a
principal, you want to reflecton these situations as well.
(19:58):
How did I handle that.
How could I have done betterwith handling it?
But also, the more you handlethese situations, you're going
to have an experience thatyou're going to draw back on,
because I'm telling you, itwon't be the last time you
handle a difficult situation orhave a difficult conversation
and you want to be able to drawback on those experiences and
you want to be able to reflecton those outcomes because, hey,
(20:21):
you may not handle thatsituation perfectly, you may not
handle it correctly the firsttime, but the more you do this
job and the better experienceyou are, you're going to have
those experiences to draw backon.
And so you got to be able toreflect on the outcomes from
these difficult conversationsand how they go.
And also, after having thesedifficult conversations, the
(20:42):
final thing you want to be ableto do is you want to be able to
take practice.
Self-care guys Like.
This job is tough, it's hard,it can be draining, but you have
to have some sort of way todecompress.
Some people like to work out,some people like to read books,
Some people like to do thedishes, clean the house.
I mean, there's things peopledo to decompress.
(21:03):
I like to go on walks.
I call them, my decompressionwalks.
So if I get out in a buildingI'm having a rough day, I get
out and I walk around.
That makes me feel betterbecause I'm able to think
through things, I'm able to kindof just decompress from the
situation and I'm able to kindof bring myself to center, to
(21:24):
where I am like okay, my mind'sright, I'm ready to tackle the
next thing.
And so I've done that, you know, a few times.
It's just me, having physicalactivity or walking and doing
things helps me.
But I also will do that whenI'm getting ready to have a
difficult conversation, becauseI like to think things through,
I like to make sure I have allthe information together.
(21:44):
I know how I'm going to havethis conversation.
I replay it in my head.
But also I'm able to have timeto get myself in a right mindset
for those difficultconversations as well.
And I do that at the end to getmy mindset after and I'll tell
you what, after these difficultconversations and I decompress
(22:05):
after them I feel really good.
I feel really good about, hey,that conversation went well, or
maybe it didn't go well, but Ihave to think through that and
understand what I can do better.
But also, you know, did I helpthat situation get resolved and
so be able to practice self-care, have something to recharge
yourself so you can tackle therest of either the day or the
(22:28):
week, or maybe you do some ofthese difficult conversations
towards the end of the week.
You have the weekend to reallykind of get yourself set for the
upcoming week that you havecoming.
So there you guys have it.
That is, resolving conflictsand having difficult
conversations.
I hope this episode was valuableto you, because a lot of people
(22:50):
don't sit there and talk abouthaving these conversations.
This is probably the leastglamorous part of the job and
the position, but they'renecessary.
It's important for us to beable to have conflict resolution
skills.
It's also important for us tobe able to have difficult
conversations.
These are things they talkabout but they never put in
(23:12):
practice before you become aprincipal, and so I hope you
guys find value in this episodeand it really speaks to you.
So if this episode brings valueto you, I would love to hear
back from you.
So hit me up in the fan mail,let me know if this episode was
meaningful, but also maybe bringin some of your own ideas on
(23:32):
how to have difficultconversations and resolving
conflicts, cause you know thisisn't the.
You know the one way to do it.
There's a lot of different ways, but this is a way that works
for me and I hope it works foryou.
Until next time, everybody, Ihope you guys are always looking
to be 1% better.
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