April 8, 2021 • 16 mins
Girl makes what seems like a good life.
Girl is not happy.
Girl blows up her life.
Girl finds peace.
Sometimes you have to be your own hero. I'm sharing my story to encourage you to make the necessary adjustments in your own life to find joy and peace.
Like what you hear and want to share feedback? Connect with Darice on social @daricerene or at daricerene[dot]com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Darice Rene (00:00):
Girl makes what seems like a good life. Girl is
not happy girl blows up herlife. Girl finds peace. This is
my story. And the reason why Icreated effortless and
unbothered. I created thispodcast and this platform
because honestly, I lived a lifethat was a little off. And I
(00:27):
recognized the crazy, I calledout the crazy. And finally I
stopped the crazy. So I want toshare this with you, in hopes
that if there is someone outthere listening, that feels like
things are just really off andthey haven't put a name on it
yet, that you'll find someinspiration for the story and
(00:49):
that you'll you'll beencouraged, there is light at
So one day I woke up in this wasyears ago. And I remembered that
the end of the tunnel.
I really hate to cook, and I'mnot doing it anymore. So let me
paint this picture for you. Atthe time I'm married. And this
(01:11):
is a marriage, the secondmarriage for both of us. We
brought both brought children tothe marriage. So we're talking,
I brought two he brought fourand we are the black Brady Bunch
minus Alice, right. And thencreating this life with this
gentleman, I created a worldthat for everyone, except for me
(01:36):
felt extremely comfortable. I'mtalking, you know, six kids
every other weekend. We'retalking kids in sports, kids and
dance, we're talking full timejobs for the both of us, and a
beautiful home. And we areliving this life that I'm
(01:57):
realizing over time just doesnot suit me. And there were a
lot of different aspects. Therewere a lot of different signals
that I just simply ignored,because I dug my heels in. And
although there were some thingsthat felt off to me, I didn't
like the idea of failure to thepoint that I ignored those
(02:18):
things.
There was a quote that I foundduring this time, the quote is
credited to Henry David Thoreau.
And he says, most men lead livesof quiet desperation, and go to
the grave with a song still inthem. I was most men, I felt
trapped, I felt stuck. And Ididn't realize it until I was so
(02:40):
deep into this thing. But I amgrateful that I did finally
recognize it before it was toolate. Some of the things that I
ignored along the way, were somesome dysfunctions within my
marriage. I realized after thefact that we just had different
values, there was thismisalignment. Later, through a
(03:04):
lot of therapy, I learned thatthere was also some codependency
there, stemming from somechildhood issues. I was in roles
at work that were chosen becausethey suited the lifestyle that I
wanted to live, I had veryactive children very proud of
what they were able toaccomplish as athletes. And so
(03:29):
my pursuits, my professionalpursuits became secondary to
making decisions that wouldallow me to get them to their
practices and and take care ofthem the way I wanted them to be
taken care of. Absolutely noguilt or shame around that it
worked out beautifully. I'm veryhappy about that. But at the
(03:53):
same time, there were somethings that I was denying
myself. I wasn't working in myzone of genius. And for me, my
profession is very muchsomething that I identify with.
So there were some things thatwere off there.
And then there was thisdomestification of Darice. It
(04:16):
was interesting too because I, Inever actually subscribed to it,
I took to it, right. So you'vegot six children looking at you.
And they're hungry, they wantsomething to eat. And so
naturally, I walk into thekitchen and you know, 13 years
(04:36):
later, I'm preparing meals thatbegin and end with, you know,
time in the kitchen, and I amcreating this for this one
because they don't like the mainmeal and this one, you know, has
this allergy or this, you know,preference and then there's
(04:59):
that. So on average, on kidsweekends, there might have been
three different versions of ameal that I was preparing. And,
of course, I'd clean the kitchenbecause nobody could clean the
kitchen as well as I could and,and then there was the house
cleaning. And nobody could dothat, as well as I could and
this and this. So there were allof these self imposed bad
(05:25):
choices.
And looking back on it. Now,it's interesting to think about
the effect of, of what I did tomyself, but also the people that
were in that house that I tookon this journey. So I took on a
persona that didn't fit me orsuit me. And then taking on that
(05:47):
persona, I gave the people inthe house, this ideal that
wasn't really truly a greatideal for me. It's funny, I had
one of my bonus babies come andsee me recently. And he's
everything, I love him so much.
And he said, 'Will you make mea cheesecake?' Well, yes, you
(06:08):
know, I'll absolutely make yourcheesecake. But the funny part
is that I had made it and he wassitting here having a slice. And
he said, "You know, I realizedalong the way that you don't
like to cook, and it's crazy tome, because you were always in
the kitchen. And it just seemedlike you really enjoyed it." And
(06:29):
that was kind of the epitome ofwhat they saw. You know, they
saw something that I don't wantto call it a facade. I took
ownership of that, and laterrealize that no, it's it's not
good for me, it's not a good fitfor me.
So there, there was thisawakening, right? There was
(06:54):
this, this time where I had tomake some really tough choices,
some choices that affected a lotof people. And I thank God for
grace and mercy. And thank Godfor unconditional love from my
family, I thank God that I hadsupport through friends that
made me feel less crazy, butcrazy nonetheless. And that's
(07:17):
okay. So there, there have beenmany pivots. And there had
become this mental clarityaround how to make the
adjustments that are needed tomake and I'm so grateful and
happy to have done the work. Soto speak out, how is it they
they say? You've got to do thework. And if you could see me
(07:40):
right now I have air quotes. Andthat's okay. Because now on this
side of things, I understandwhat it means to make those
choices that requiretransformation, I understand the
growth and it took time. So thismessage is really for those that
have gone through, or are goingthrough something similar, I
(08:03):
want to let you know, it doesget better, there is light. And
there is time. Time is one ofthose elements that can really
keep you stuck. If you bindyourself around this construct
(08:23):
of time in the wrong way in anegative way. You know, I read
something or look at somethingjust about every day where
someone is highlighting, youknow, the 60 year old who just
started college or the 12 yearold that started college, and
both of them are fine, if that'swhat suits them. There are those
(08:47):
of us, though, who have thisclock running in the back of our
heads. And we feel as if certainthings should be accomplished
within certain regions of ourlife. And I have to tell you
that constraint will keep youstuck if you subscribe to it. So
I really hope and pray that youare not living in that lie. And
(09:10):
that you can come past it, youknow, the the quote that I
brought up earlier, they go tothe grave with the song still in
them.
There is time as long as you arebreathing, to make the necessary
adjustments. So I'm hoping toencourage you. One of the things
that I promised in this podcastlife of mine is that I would
(09:35):
bring practical tips as we arelearning and growing together.
And one of the things I wantedto share in relation to how I
stopped my crazy was first toget clear on what it is I
wanted. There was a book I readsome years ago and I don't ever
remember what the book was. Butin that book, there was an
(09:57):
exercise where we readers weretold to write down 100 things
you want. It was funny for mebecause I took so long to think
of that list. Now mind youpicture this, you've, you've got
(10:19):
this blank slate, there's nobodyin the room, there's nobody
who's going to read the list,there's no judgment. And yet,
for me to identify what I wantedfor my life was, it was not, it
was not an automatic response.
And after some time, when Ilooked back at that exercise,
(10:40):
realized, even that process andwhat it took, it occurred to me
that I had built so much timeand put so much energy and
effort into taking care of thepeople around me. Keep in mind,
let me go back, remember thosesix people, three different
versions of dinner, I wascooking, I had built this muscle
(11:02):
of taking care of others anddenying myself and it was so
strong, that when I was asked towrite down what I want it for my
life, I could not accomplish it.
I came up with maybe 20 to 30things and I put it away. And it
(11:24):
took me months to go back andadd to that list. And as I heal,
I would go back and add a fewmore things. And I would take
some months, go back, add a fewmore things. In in that it was
the journey that I needed to goon, to be able to get clear
(11:46):
about what I wanted, so that Ican make the adjustments so that
I can get in alignment with whoI truly was. So my suggestion
Sis, for anyone who's goingthrough anything similar, where
you're feeling like you can'tsing the song that you were
meant to sing, is to starttaking action. If your action is
(12:13):
as simple as getting a journal,then get a journal, I highly
suggest journals and advisefolks to get journals. Because
there's something about writingdown what's happening in your
head. You're right, like, thereare those of us who just stay in
(12:33):
our heads. And it's, it's crazyup there, like the way you take
something and make it real, likethe way you assign value to
things as they're sitting inyour head is just sometimes
unhealthy. So journaling is isone practice that is just a
simple, simple practice, to getclear on what's important to
(12:56):
you, and what will truly makeyou happy, what will give you
peace, what will give you joy.
There's some work to do. Butbefore you blow up, and, you
know, take folks with you onthat journey, I suggest being
very intentional. You know, oneof the other things I suggest is
as you are journaling, if youfind it difficult to just begin
(13:18):
to describe what's happening inyour life and documenting how
you're feeling. Then find someprompts that relate to self
awareness. So if you Google, andit's easy to do journal prompts
for self awareness, you're goingto find something that resonates
with you. And I suggest youstart just give yourself 10
(13:42):
minutes, give yourself 15minutes. Maybe it's one day a
week, maybe it's two days aweek. Just start somewhere.
I heard Mel Robbins talk abouther definition of joy. And in
one of those definitions of joyfor her it was keeping promises
(14:06):
to herself. And when I heardthat I thought my God, how great
is that? and How simple is that.
However it's not always easy toimplement, especially if you're
someone who's constantly pouringinto and taking care of those
around you. Keeping promises toyourself is a good start. And
journaling. Getting thosejournal prompts that relate to
(14:30):
self awareness is a great placeto start start small and I
promise you, you're going to besurprised at what happens next.
That's it. I want you to knowyou're not alone. So if after
you hear this story you'd liketo DM me or email me, mail a
(14:51):
letter contact me in any way.
Just head to our website,effortlessandunbothered.com and
let me know if this resonateswith you. Leave a comment
wherever you listen to podcasts.
I thank you for spending thistime with me today and I hope it
was helpful to you.
Girl makes what seems like a good life. Girl is
not happy girl blows up herlife. Girl finds peace. This is
my story. And the reason why Icreated effortless and
unbothered. I created thispodcast and this platform
because honestly, I lived a lifethat was a little off. And I
(00:27):
recognized the crazy, I calledout the crazy. And finally I
stopped the crazy. So I want toshare this with you, in hopes
that if there is someone outthere listening, that feels like
things are just really off andthey haven't put a name on it
yet, that you'll find someinspiration for the story and
(00:49):
that you'll you'll beencouraged, there is light at
So one day I woke up in this wasyears ago. And I remembered that
the end of the tunnel.
I really hate to cook, and I'mnot doing it anymore. So let me
paint this picture for you. Atthe time I'm married. And this
(01:11):
is a marriage, the secondmarriage for both of us. We
brought both brought children tothe marriage. So we're talking,
I brought two he brought fourand we are the black Brady Bunch
minus Alice, right. And thencreating this life with this
gentleman, I created a worldthat for everyone, except for me
(01:36):
felt extremely comfortable. I'mtalking, you know, six kids
every other weekend. We'retalking kids in sports, kids and
dance, we're talking full timejobs for the both of us, and a
beautiful home. And we areliving this life that I'm
(01:57):
realizing over time just doesnot suit me. And there were a
lot of different aspects. Therewere a lot of different signals
that I just simply ignored,because I dug my heels in. And
although there were some thingsthat felt off to me, I didn't
like the idea of failure to thepoint that I ignored those
(02:18):
things.
There was a quote that I foundduring this time, the quote is
credited to Henry David Thoreau.
And he says, most men lead livesof quiet desperation, and go to
the grave with a song still inthem. I was most men, I felt
trapped, I felt stuck. And Ididn't realize it until I was so
(02:40):
deep into this thing. But I amgrateful that I did finally
recognize it before it was toolate. Some of the things that I
ignored along the way, were somesome dysfunctions within my
marriage. I realized after thefact that we just had different
values, there was thismisalignment. Later, through a
(03:04):
lot of therapy, I learned thatthere was also some codependency
there, stemming from somechildhood issues. I was in roles
at work that were chosen becausethey suited the lifestyle that I
wanted to live, I had veryactive children very proud of
what they were able toaccomplish as athletes. And so
(03:29):
my pursuits, my professionalpursuits became secondary to
making decisions that wouldallow me to get them to their
practices and and take care ofthem the way I wanted them to be
taken care of. Absolutely noguilt or shame around that it
worked out beautifully. I'm veryhappy about that. But at the
(03:53):
same time, there were somethings that I was denying
myself. I wasn't working in myzone of genius. And for me, my
profession is very muchsomething that I identify with.
So there were some things thatwere off there.
And then there was thisdomestification of Darice. It
(04:16):
was interesting too because I, Inever actually subscribed to it,
I took to it, right. So you'vegot six children looking at you.
And they're hungry, they wantsomething to eat. And so
naturally, I walk into thekitchen and you know, 13 years
(04:36):
later, I'm preparing meals thatbegin and end with, you know,
time in the kitchen, and I amcreating this for this one
because they don't like the mainmeal and this one, you know, has
this allergy or this, you know,preference and then there's
(04:59):
that. So on average, on kidsweekends, there might have been
three different versions of ameal that I was preparing. And,
of course, I'd clean the kitchenbecause nobody could clean the
kitchen as well as I could and,and then there was the house
cleaning. And nobody could dothat, as well as I could and
this and this. So there were allof these self imposed bad
(05:25):
choices.
And looking back on it. Now,it's interesting to think about
the effect of, of what I did tomyself, but also the people that
were in that house that I tookon this journey. So I took on a
persona that didn't fit me orsuit me. And then taking on that
(05:47):
persona, I gave the people inthe house, this ideal that
wasn't really truly a greatideal for me. It's funny, I had
one of my bonus babies come andsee me recently. And he's
everything, I love him so much.
And he said, 'Will you make mea cheesecake?' Well, yes, you
(06:08):
know, I'll absolutely make yourcheesecake. But the funny part
is that I had made it and he wassitting here having a slice. And
he said, "You know, I realizedalong the way that you don't
like to cook, and it's crazy tome, because you were always in
the kitchen. And it just seemedlike you really enjoyed it." And
(06:29):
that was kind of the epitome ofwhat they saw. You know, they
saw something that I don't wantto call it a facade. I took
ownership of that, and laterrealize that no, it's it's not
good for me, it's not a good fitfor me.
So there, there was thisawakening, right? There was
(06:54):
this, this time where I had tomake some really tough choices,
some choices that affected a lotof people. And I thank God for
grace and mercy. And thank Godfor unconditional love from my
family, I thank God that I hadsupport through friends that
made me feel less crazy, butcrazy nonetheless. And that's
(07:17):
okay. So there, there have beenmany pivots. And there had
become this mental clarityaround how to make the
adjustments that are needed tomake and I'm so grateful and
happy to have done the work. Soto speak out, how is it they
they say? You've got to do thework. And if you could see me
(07:40):
right now I have air quotes. Andthat's okay. Because now on this
side of things, I understandwhat it means to make those
choices that requiretransformation, I understand the
growth and it took time. So thismessage is really for those that
have gone through, or are goingthrough something similar, I
(08:03):
want to let you know, it doesget better, there is light. And
there is time. Time is one ofthose elements that can really
keep you stuck. If you bindyourself around this construct
(08:23):
of time in the wrong way in anegative way. You know, I read
something or look at somethingjust about every day where
someone is highlighting, youknow, the 60 year old who just
started college or the 12 yearold that started college, and
both of them are fine, if that'swhat suits them. There are those
(08:47):
of us, though, who have thisclock running in the back of our
heads. And we feel as if certainthings should be accomplished
within certain regions of ourlife. And I have to tell you
that constraint will keep youstuck if you subscribe to it. So
I really hope and pray that youare not living in that lie. And
(09:10):
that you can come past it, youknow, the the quote that I
brought up earlier, they go tothe grave with the song still in
them.
There is time as long as you arebreathing, to make the necessary
adjustments. So I'm hoping toencourage you. One of the things
that I promised in this podcastlife of mine is that I would
(09:35):
bring practical tips as we arelearning and growing together.
And one of the things I wantedto share in relation to how I
stopped my crazy was first toget clear on what it is I
wanted. There was a book I readsome years ago and I don't ever
remember what the book was. Butin that book, there was an
(09:57):
exercise where we readers weretold to write down 100 things
you want. It was funny for mebecause I took so long to think
of that list. Now mind youpicture this, you've, you've got
(10:19):
this blank slate, there's nobodyin the room, there's nobody
who's going to read the list,there's no judgment. And yet,
for me to identify what I wantedfor my life was, it was not, it
was not an automatic response.
And after some time, when Ilooked back at that exercise,
(10:40):
realized, even that process andwhat it took, it occurred to me
that I had built so much timeand put so much energy and
effort into taking care of thepeople around me. Keep in mind,
let me go back, remember thosesix people, three different
versions of dinner, I wascooking, I had built this muscle
(11:02):
of taking care of others anddenying myself and it was so
strong, that when I was asked towrite down what I want it for my
life, I could not accomplish it.
I came up with maybe 20 to 30things and I put it away. And it
(11:24):
took me months to go back andadd to that list. And as I heal,
I would go back and add a fewmore things. And I would take
some months, go back, add a fewmore things. In in that it was
the journey that I needed to goon, to be able to get clear
(11:46):
about what I wanted, so that Ican make the adjustments so that
I can get in alignment with whoI truly was. So my suggestion
Sis, for anyone who's goingthrough anything similar, where
you're feeling like you can'tsing the song that you were
meant to sing, is to starttaking action. If your action is
(12:13):
as simple as getting a journal,then get a journal, I highly
suggest journals and advisefolks to get journals. Because
there's something about writingdown what's happening in your
head. You're right, like, thereare those of us who just stay in
(12:33):
our heads. And it's, it's crazyup there, like the way you take
something and make it real, likethe way you assign value to
things as they're sitting inyour head is just sometimes
unhealthy. So journaling is isone practice that is just a
simple, simple practice, to getclear on what's important to
(12:56):
you, and what will truly makeyou happy, what will give you
peace, what will give you joy.
There's some work to do. Butbefore you blow up, and, you
know, take folks with you onthat journey, I suggest being
very intentional. You know, oneof the other things I suggest is
as you are journaling, if youfind it difficult to just begin
(13:18):
to describe what's happening inyour life and documenting how
you're feeling. Then find someprompts that relate to self
awareness. So if you Google, andit's easy to do journal prompts
for self awareness, you're goingto find something that resonates
with you. And I suggest youstart just give yourself 10
(13:42):
minutes, give yourself 15minutes. Maybe it's one day a
week, maybe it's two days aweek. Just start somewhere.
I heard Mel Robbins talk abouther definition of joy. And in
one of those definitions of joyfor her it was keeping promises
(14:06):
to herself. And when I heardthat I thought my God, how great
is that? and How simple is that.
However it's not always easy toimplement, especially if you're
someone who's constantly pouringinto and taking care of those
around you. Keeping promises toyourself is a good start. And
journaling. Getting thosejournal prompts that relate to
(14:30):
self awareness is a great placeto start start small and I
promise you, you're going to besurprised at what happens next.
That's it. I want you to knowyou're not alone. So if after
you hear this story you'd liketo DM me or email me, mail a
(14:51):
letter contact me in any way.
Just head to our website,effortlessandunbothered.com and
let me know if this resonateswith you. Leave a comment
wherever you listen to podcasts.
I thank you for spending thistime with me today and I hope it
was helpful to you.
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