May 22, 2024 • 22 mins
Riding the Road of Eldercare: Balancing Independence and Support
Ever feel like you're walking on eggshells trying to help your aging parents? Your Eldercare Success host, Nancy May, gets it. In this episode of Eldercare Success, she ditches the usual dry advice. She takes you on a surprising ride, comparing navigating eldercare to her own early experiences of riding a motorcycle.
As tough as it may be, respecting her parents' need for independence while ensuring their safety is a delicate dance that can be done well—for them and you. This episode shares practical tips, sprinkled with personal anecdotes and even a touch of blinged-out biker chic, making it relatable and informative.
Want to learn how to offer support without being overbearing?
Some key takeaways include:
- How to ask questions and gain acceptance without interrogation
- The "Dripping Water" Approach of small gestures
- How to be a partner with your parents
This episode is packed with real-world examples, including a cautionary tale about sneaky scams targeting seniors, that you might not even consider an issue... until it's too late.
Nancy even unveils cutting-edge tech solutions, like an AI pin that can call for help with a simple tap.
Ready to find a smoother ride on the road of eldercare? Tune in to this episode for practical advice, heartwarming stories, and a fresh perspective on supporting your aging parents with love and respect.
Helpful Links:
- CVS Pharmacy Medication Packaging
- Humane AI Pin
- Pill Reminder System: there are many others, but this is just one that works on a 90-day supply
- Podcast: Eldercare Success (please share with those you care about)
- Book: How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, and After
- Eldercare Success on YouTube
- Eldercare Success, link to ask Nancy a question: A small blue tab on the right side of the page says "Send a Voice Mail Message to Nancy." Click on that and follow the directions on the pop-up. Then send me your comments and questions so I can answer them on the show.
Host: Nancy May has gone from the Boardroom to the Emergency Room to care for her aging parents and educate business owners, corporate employees, and leaders with more strength and confidence in doing well and doing good. Nancy is the five-star author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After! and an award-winning expert in managing the complexities of caring for...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nancy May (00:01):
How do you get mom and dad to accept help when they
think they don't need any of it?
Stay tuned.
You're going to like this one.
Hello everybody and welcometo another episode of Doing It
(00:21):
Best With Eldercare Success.
I'm your host, Nancy May, and we'rediving into a topic that is close to my
heart Finding the right balance betweenrespecting our aging parents independence
and stepping into care for them.
As mom and dad get older and show somesigns that start you thinking, Oh my
(00:42):
gosh, they are not like they used tobe and really could use a lot of help.
It's natural to want to step inand take some level of control.
After all, many of us are parentsourselves and jumping into support
our children or others that we careand love for is part instinct and
part love, or really a lot of love.
(01:06):
But control is the word or action thatcan cause all sorts of havoc for them, for
you, and for other family members, right?
Hovering or constantly pestering canstrain that relationship, You know that
feeling when somebody is just a littletoo close and you say, Step back.
(01:27):
I can't take it anymore.
Or constantly pestering.
That nyeh that just goes on and on and on.
Not always intentionally.
But that can strain relationships.
Not just between mom and dad, but betweensiblings who think that you might be
taking over or taking control or takingthings that they feel you shouldn't
(01:52):
And it can also lead to your own familyresentment, mistrust, and being locked
out of being allowed to help yourparents when they might need you most.
So all of those actually make for adangerous and bigger recipe for disaster,
So what's the key in finding ways to besupportive without being overbearing?
(02:16):
The entire subject can be challengingand frustrating on many levels.
Believe me, been there, donethat, tried it all, and had
some missteps along the way.
But, ultimately, somereally great outcomes.
Let me take a side road or a sidestep to set the stage on the whole
issue of control and freedom.
(02:38):
It all started with wantingto learn to ride a motorcycle.
That's moi.
So, Let me tell you, I amnot your average biker chick.
I made sure Swarovski crystals wereblinged out over my helmet to the
point where it would nearly blindanybody behind me when the sun was out.
(03:00):
Second, on cooler days, I'd havemy black fox fur collar tucked
inside my jacket and another one onthe inner part of my riding chaps.
Okay, that might be a littleTMI, but you know what?
It's about a 15 degree lowerdifferential when you're riding a bike.
So 50 degrees out, it's a littlechilly on all parts of the body.
(03:24):
I know TMI, but I'm sharing anyway.
In the beginning, my husband, whodidn't ride, was constantly worried
I would crash or get hit by a car.
The idea of scraping me up off the macadamlike roadkill with tire tracks on my back
was something he really wanted to avoid.
Thank you dear, I appreciate that.
(03:46):
So, to ease his fears, wecame up with a compromise.
I would go out riding, bling andall, and he would follow behind in
the car on a planned lunch routedestination, usually a local diner.
We loved the sycamore upin Bethel, Connecticut.
A little grungy, but a lot of fun.
Then, when we were done, I wouldride home alone on a planned route
(04:11):
So, just in case, he got thatcall saying, come pick her up.
She's roadkill.
Luckily, that never happened.
But I always share that route andan approximate time upon my return.
The dogs always knew when I wasaround the corner for some reason.
Their sharp ears would let themknow that I was on the way home.
(04:34):
Thank you, Mighty Quinn.
And thank you, Otis of Reading.
However, this plan allowed me myindependence to enjoy my new hobby while
giving him peace of mind that I was safe.
We all need to find a similar win winarrangement with our aging parents.
All right, maybe they're notbiker dudes, but that's okay.
(04:56):
. The concept is still the same.
Here are a few tips to actuallyget you going on that freedom
conversation with a little bit ofease and peace of mind for you.
Please remember that our parents havebeen freewheeling and independent
from our control all their lives.
After all, we were their kidsat one point, and we still are.
(05:17):
The transition of having someone be thatyou, a sibling or another person step in
and try and take control of their lives,
is likely not how they wantto live their lives now.
Or in the future.
However, a little help goes a long way.
If you have ever moved back intoyour parents home after spending time
living somewhere else on your own asan adult, you likely know how that
(05:43):
crunching of control feels, right?
I can almost hear thethoughts in my head now.
How dare you tell me what to do?
I'm not a child.
When you're living undermy roof, it's my rules.
I just had this conversationwith my husband when he had that
situation as a young adult himself.
(06:04):
It wasn't pretty.
But how do you actually start going downthis road when your folks need a little
bit more help in a gentle, empathetic way?
Not just for them.
But for you too,
First have an open and honestconversation with your parents about
the kind of help that they need, if any.
(06:26):
Okay, so I know a lot of ourparents are going to say, I'm
fine, don't worry, we're good.
You just go off and liveyour life and we'll be fine.
We'll call you when we need help.
They usually don't.
My father in law actually told myhusband that he had had a five way
bypass a week after it happened.
(06:46):
What the heck?
Honestly, somebody shouldhave said something.
that's just an example.
But it's important to understandthat they need some space too.
I get it.
I think we all do, but if they don't thinkthey need help, try not to behave like
an interrogator and instead consider aconversation that might sound like this,
(07:10):
Dad, I'd love to help you eventhough you don't want my help.
I understand, but how can we do thisso that you're not worried about me
and I can still be of support to youand mom and I'm not worried about you?
Maybe we could team up together, justyou and I, father and daughter, or dad
(07:31):
and son, to do something nice for mom.
What do you think?
Then create a list of some simplethings that would benefit her and him
too, perhaps in a more subtle way.
This is just a tiny, teeny bitmore gentle way to get them
both used to accepting help.
Kind of like a gift.
(07:52):
Or,
think of it like the old story ofwater dripping on the stone, which
illustrates even how the smallest,seemingly most insignificant actions
can have a huge impact on eventhe hardest surfaces of stone.
(08:14):
Next, look for ways to providethat support that still allow them
autonomy and control over theirown lives as much as possible.
And you too.
I suggest you do this together to start.
It could be as simple as gettingsomeone to mow the lawn, or to
help out with groceries in orout of the car, or whatever.
(08:35):
Down south where we are now,and even up north in more family
oriented grocery stores, baggersare always asking if you need help
getting groceries out to the car.
That's pretty considerate.
Maybe it's a family store kindof thing, or just a southern way.
However, grocery stores might actuallybe a significant form of social
(09:00):
interaction for a lonely parent.
So, keep this in mind if you decideyou could help them by ordering
their groceries online so that theydon't have to drive to the store.
Social interaction, even at thegrocery store, can help combat a lot
of issues, especially loneliness,which many elderly people, even our
own parents, surprise, surprise,might be suffering from nowadays too.
(09:24):
Then,
Medication issues area whole nother front.
if taking medication is becominga problem, even if they don't
totally admit this, you can setup a simple pill reminder system.
There are all sorts of tools onlineeverything from a box that beeps at you
or a notification that you get when it'sbeen taken, which are very easy to set up.
(09:47):
That system however, worksbetter if you live close by.
And if you're able to do so, thenlet mom and dad handle the day-to-day
management of their actual pilltaking instead of you sneaking in
to make sure they actually did so.
We all hate somebody who's spying,and if that happens, mistrust can be a
big issue and lead to bigger problemsdown the road, so try not to go there.
(10:12):
if you're not able to physically handson help them with organizing their
meds, either because of distance,Or time constraints, contact your
local pharmacy and ask if theyoffer something called medication
synchronization or medication packaging.
there's even a system you can set up intheir home that will alert you to movement
(10:34):
in the house without cameras, which isvery nice for them, maybe not for you.
And it'll even tell you what cabinetdoors have been opened or even if there's
movement or extra heat in the house.
Heat in the house, I say, becauseyou never know when a stove
might be left on by accident.
I'll put a link to thesetools in the episode notes.
(10:55):
Besides that, if you haven'tseen it already, there's a
new AI pin called Humane.
You can get that at humane.
com, where mom and dad can weara pin, kind of like the accessory
that you see in Star Trek.
Beam me up Scotty.
And all you have to do is tap it, andask to call Nancy, Bob, Sue, or Diane,
(11:18):
whoever it might be, or even 911.
I don't have one myself,but a friend does.
And he said it took a lot of time anda lot of frustration to set it up.
But the support system at the companyis pretty good at helping you with that.
And they admit there's aproblem in instructions.
So considering that it'snew, just work with it.
If you decide to get the PIN.
(11:40):
The goal Ultimately, is to empowerour parents to live as independently
and safely as they can for aslong as possible by providing the
right resources and safety nets.
Think of yourself as a partner intheir care, not as a parent to them.
As I've said before, time and time again,this is a pet peeve of mine, period.
(12:02):
I'll likely say thatagain in other episodes.
But please, just bear with me.
Also, make sure that the linesof communication are open.
That AI PIN can be a great help there.
Or lower tech tools, like simpleletter writing and a phone
call to share what's happening.
And don't be boring.
(12:23):
You can ask about theirday, and they can be boring.
But try to sound excited aboutevery little detail that they share.
The meal, the TV show they watched,the books they read, the pesky
solicitors who keep knocking on thedoor, or some angry political outburst.
It's alright.
It's mom and dad.
(12:43):
You're going to love them anyway.
Or at least I hope so.
Their days may not be filledwith as much excitement as yours.
But listening to these little detailsin your conversations or even notes
that you send back and forth can bethe window into subtle changes that
might be taking place and a soft,gentle change in how you support them.
(13:06):
If you're close by, and even ifyou're not, don't forget to plan
regular visits and entertainingactivities and check ins and ask.
How things are going or just what theymight want to do to make their day better.
Quite frankly, most people will not knowwhat to do to make their day better or
simply just say, Oh, don't worry about me.
(13:26):
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You just have a good time.
You know, one of my favorite toolswhile visiting mom and dad was Groupon.
Gosh, we had some fun.
There are crazy things thatyou can do on Groupon that are
safe for elderly frail people.
and one of them actually includeda three hour cruise, kind of like
Gilligan's Island, without the crash.
(13:49):
Mom and Dad loved cruising, but at acertain point in their lives, frailty
kind of got the better part of them.
And I hated to see Dad really wantingto go on a cruise again and plan.
He loved that planning part.
so what we did on Groupon was torent one of those small little
charter, yachts in quotes.
(14:10):
It was big enough to have all of our aidesand their family members join us too.
We had a big picnic and wecruised the Tampa Harbor.
After three hours, mom and dad wereexhausted and everybody had a great
time and it was a bit of a giftfor our aides and their family too.
I have to say a cruise of two or threeor even four days would have been too
(14:32):
much for mom and dad and it would havebeen too much for me to make sure that
they were safe and maybe even an aidethat I would have brought along too.
Safety would have been the key there.
And I know I thought about it, but Iwas also concerned about, man overboard,
Throw out the life rafts!
I'm glad I didn't haveto worry about that one.
(14:53):
Speaking of communications, make sureyou get to know mom and dad's friends and
neighbors, even if they don't know them.
Chances are, if they live in aneighborhood, everybody knows who
somebody else is, and the gossip,hopefully not, may go back and forth.
But just asking somebody to knockon the door and make sure they're
okay or sending over some flowers.
(15:14):
Okay.
So if you have to pay the neighborsto bring flowers over to make
sure that mom and dad are okay.
But you can do that.
Sometimes they don't need to knowevery little detail, just as long
as you know that they're safe.
And speaking of strangers, sadly, Iwant to bring this point forward again.
We've talked about it in a previouspodcast about scams, predominantly love
scams, but targets of these scammersare either young people in their
(15:42):
20s, big part of them, or over 60.
the average victim will lose $33,915.
Now, that's reported.
Imagine how much more is gone for thosethat are too embarrassed to even mention
anything to a local police departmentor an FBI agent, speaking of FBI agents,
(16:05):
who would even know how to contactthem if you're a local person, right?
In any case, the whole scam issue isnot something to be taken lightly.
But it is something to keep aneye out for, and an explanation to
them is always helpful, of course.
I mention this because all too oftenour levels of trust escalate as we age.
(16:26):
That's just in general.
That's just our human nature, and it'sa lovely one at that, but it can also,
but it can also be a dangerous one.
I mentioned this because too oftenour levels of trust escalate.
I mean, as we age, This isgenerally true for most people.
(16:48):
We tend to want to trust peoplemore frequently as we get older.
We've had lots of experience, sowe kind of know what's best, right?
it's actually a lovely thing,yet can also result in physical,
emotional, and financial damage.
this includes financial advisors whomight be more interested in their wallet
than your parents, aides who can create adifferent, more intimate level of trust in
(17:10):
their home, Medicare sales representativeswho ask for personal information and try
to switch them to better plans, I've heardthat too many times, just be careful, I'm
just giving you a little tip out there,and even care facility managers, yes,
they bring in independent marketers whoget paid on performance, aka move ins.
(17:32):
Oh, and don't forget tech scams.
You know, more of our parents are involvedin technology, and that's a good thing.
However, asking for help andconstantly coming back to you for,
how do you turn this thing on?
Or, I can't get into my emailagain, can be something that
they could be embarrassed about.
So, calling tech support can be away for them to get what they need
(17:53):
quickly without bothering you.
I'll have to admit.
I accidentally fell victim to oneof these years ago, but luckily
caught it and there were no issues.
And that's for another episode.
One of the last scams I'm going to mentionhere today is really charity scams.
Now what does a charityhave to do with scams?
(18:14):
Well, you might be surprised andit's not necessarily intentional.
I would say it's more likely getting thebetter side of the good side of people.
Here's one example of an older friendwho always had a good heart, and his
widow realized exactly how much moneywas going out the door after he passed.
(18:36):
As she started to go through old files andmail that he meticulously organized, She
saw how he documented 25 to this charity,25 to that charity, and the list went on.
Cancelled checks started adding up, andshe's like, what the heck is going on?
As it turned out, with every 25 checkthat he sent out, within a week or
(18:59):
two or three, from the same charity,another request would come in.
A little forgetful, he'dsend another 25 check out.
Soon, those 25 checks added up tothousands and thousands of dollars
over the weeks, months and years.
Youch.
(19:20):
How to go broke 25 at a time.
Maybe that's another podcastepisode we should think about.
So I did move slightly, alittle bit, to the side.
on how to get parents to accept help.
Or have I?
All of these great stories andbits of information are things
you can share over the course ofconversations with your parents in
(19:42):
efforts to help them understand
that the world has gottena little bit more sneaky.
Not always sinisterly, but hopefully.
if you share these stories in a gentleway, it can help them think a bit more
deeply and say, yep, I could use alittle bit more help with mowing the
(20:03):
lawn or pulling the weeds or just makingsure the flowers look fresh outside.
When that starts to happen, you'llbe heading down the right path.
please remember, work to avoid nagging,constant nagging, or even a little
bit of nagging about their healthor trying to take over their lives.
(20:24):
There's still adults in our parentswho deserve respect and autonomy.
As much as possible.
Ultimately supporting ouraging parents is about balance.
being there for them when neededwhile protecting their dignity and
your own time and privacy as well.
With empathy and open communicationand creative problem solving, you
(20:46):
can find an approach that works forthe whole family, yours and theirs.
After all, has their naggingever gotten you to do anything
that you didn't want to do?
On that note, thank youfor joining me here today.
Be sure to subscribe to futureepisodes of Eldercare Success
and listen to past episodes.
(21:06):
You can do so by going toEldercareSuccess(dot)live.
You now also have access to hundredsof tips, tools, and resources through
this podcast and real stories to betterhelp you navigate the challenges and
new ways to find more joy and caring foryour mom and dad and other loved ones.
Remember don't forget tocare about yourself too.
(21:27):
Also please remember that theone number we should all learn to
use and dial when needed is 911.
There are more things that can tripyou up literally and figuratively
when you have to call for helpin a critical care situation.
For that reason, please run.
Don't walk over to Amazon and get thebook, How To Survive 9 1 1 Medical
(21:47):
Emergencies, A Step-By-Step Guide.
You'll learn how not to sign certainthings in the ER and why you shouldn't,
how to get better help in the hospital,how to get discharged faster, how
to deal with rehab facilities sothat you don't go broke or at home.
And even how to dial 9 1 1when the 9 1 1 system is down.
And yes, it does go down.
(22:09):
And, in that case, you do notwant to find yourself at a
loss or mom and dad at a loss.
Finally, if you have a questionor simply like to share an opinion
about the show or a specific episode,or even want to recommend a guest,
go to EldercareSuccess(dot)Live.
There's a small blue tab on the righthand side of the screen that when you
click it will come to a pop up page andthere you can leave a voicemail message
(22:34):
or a written note or comment or question.
If you do that, I'll share your questionsand opinions on future episodes.
With that, until next time,this is Nancy May at Doing it
Best With Eldercare Success.
Why would you want to do it any other way?
Be well, stay strong, and keep caring.
Bye bye.
How do you get mom and dad to accept help when they
think they don't need any of it?
Stay tuned.
You're going to like this one.
Hello everybody and welcometo another episode of Doing It
(00:21):
Best With Eldercare Success.
I'm your host, Nancy May, and we'rediving into a topic that is close to my
heart Finding the right balance betweenrespecting our aging parents independence
and stepping into care for them.
As mom and dad get older and show somesigns that start you thinking, Oh my
(00:42):
gosh, they are not like they used tobe and really could use a lot of help.
It's natural to want to step inand take some level of control.
After all, many of us are parentsourselves and jumping into support
our children or others that we careand love for is part instinct and
part love, or really a lot of love.
(01:06):
But control is the word or action thatcan cause all sorts of havoc for them, for
you, and for other family members, right?
Hovering or constantly pestering canstrain that relationship, You know that
feeling when somebody is just a littletoo close and you say, Step back.
(01:27):
I can't take it anymore.
Or constantly pestering.
That nyeh that just goes on and on and on.
Not always intentionally.
But that can strain relationships.
Not just between mom and dad, but betweensiblings who think that you might be
taking over or taking control or takingthings that they feel you shouldn't
(01:52):
And it can also lead to your own familyresentment, mistrust, and being locked
out of being allowed to help yourparents when they might need you most.
So all of those actually make for adangerous and bigger recipe for disaster,
So what's the key in finding ways to besupportive without being overbearing?
(02:16):
The entire subject can be challengingand frustrating on many levels.
Believe me, been there, donethat, tried it all, and had
some missteps along the way.
But, ultimately, somereally great outcomes.
Let me take a side road or a sidestep to set the stage on the whole
issue of control and freedom.
(02:38):
It all started with wantingto learn to ride a motorcycle.
That's moi.
So, Let me tell you, I amnot your average biker chick.
I made sure Swarovski crystals wereblinged out over my helmet to the
point where it would nearly blindanybody behind me when the sun was out.
(03:00):
Second, on cooler days, I'd havemy black fox fur collar tucked
inside my jacket and another one onthe inner part of my riding chaps.
Okay, that might be a littleTMI, but you know what?
It's about a 15 degree lowerdifferential when you're riding a bike.
So 50 degrees out, it's a littlechilly on all parts of the body.
(03:24):
I know TMI, but I'm sharing anyway.
In the beginning, my husband, whodidn't ride, was constantly worried
I would crash or get hit by a car.
The idea of scraping me up off the macadamlike roadkill with tire tracks on my back
was something he really wanted to avoid.
Thank you dear, I appreciate that.
(03:46):
So, to ease his fears, wecame up with a compromise.
I would go out riding, bling andall, and he would follow behind in
the car on a planned lunch routedestination, usually a local diner.
We loved the sycamore upin Bethel, Connecticut.
A little grungy, but a lot of fun.
Then, when we were done, I wouldride home alone on a planned route
(04:11):
So, just in case, he got thatcall saying, come pick her up.
She's roadkill.
Luckily, that never happened.
But I always share that route andan approximate time upon my return.
The dogs always knew when I wasaround the corner for some reason.
Their sharp ears would let themknow that I was on the way home.
(04:34):
Thank you, Mighty Quinn.
And thank you, Otis of Reading.
However, this plan allowed me myindependence to enjoy my new hobby while
giving him peace of mind that I was safe.
We all need to find a similar win winarrangement with our aging parents.
All right, maybe they're notbiker dudes, but that's okay.
(04:56):
. The concept is still the same.
Here are a few tips to actuallyget you going on that freedom
conversation with a little bit ofease and peace of mind for you.
Please remember that our parents havebeen freewheeling and independent
from our control all their lives.
After all, we were their kidsat one point, and we still are.
(05:17):
The transition of having someone be thatyou, a sibling or another person step in
and try and take control of their lives,
is likely not how they wantto live their lives now.
Or in the future.
However, a little help goes a long way.
If you have ever moved back intoyour parents home after spending time
living somewhere else on your own asan adult, you likely know how that
(05:43):
crunching of control feels, right?
I can almost hear thethoughts in my head now.
How dare you tell me what to do?
I'm not a child.
When you're living undermy roof, it's my rules.
I just had this conversationwith my husband when he had that
situation as a young adult himself.
(06:04):
It wasn't pretty.
But how do you actually start going downthis road when your folks need a little
bit more help in a gentle, empathetic way?
Not just for them.
But for you too,
First have an open and honestconversation with your parents about
the kind of help that they need, if any.
(06:26):
Okay, so I know a lot of ourparents are going to say, I'm
fine, don't worry, we're good.
You just go off and liveyour life and we'll be fine.
We'll call you when we need help.
They usually don't.
My father in law actually told myhusband that he had had a five way
bypass a week after it happened.
(06:46):
What the heck?
Honestly, somebody shouldhave said something.
that's just an example.
But it's important to understandthat they need some space too.
I get it.
I think we all do, but if they don't thinkthey need help, try not to behave like
an interrogator and instead consider aconversation that might sound like this,
(07:10):
Dad, I'd love to help you eventhough you don't want my help.
I understand, but how can we do thisso that you're not worried about me
and I can still be of support to youand mom and I'm not worried about you?
Maybe we could team up together, justyou and I, father and daughter, or dad
(07:31):
and son, to do something nice for mom.
What do you think?
Then create a list of some simplethings that would benefit her and him
too, perhaps in a more subtle way.
This is just a tiny, teeny bitmore gentle way to get them
both used to accepting help.
Kind of like a gift.
(07:52):
Or,
think of it like the old story ofwater dripping on the stone, which
illustrates even how the smallest,seemingly most insignificant actions
can have a huge impact on eventhe hardest surfaces of stone.
(08:14):
Next, look for ways to providethat support that still allow them
autonomy and control over theirown lives as much as possible.
And you too.
I suggest you do this together to start.
It could be as simple as gettingsomeone to mow the lawn, or to
help out with groceries in orout of the car, or whatever.
(08:35):
Down south where we are now,and even up north in more family
oriented grocery stores, baggersare always asking if you need help
getting groceries out to the car.
That's pretty considerate.
Maybe it's a family store kindof thing, or just a southern way.
However, grocery stores might actuallybe a significant form of social
(09:00):
interaction for a lonely parent.
So, keep this in mind if you decideyou could help them by ordering
their groceries online so that theydon't have to drive to the store.
Social interaction, even at thegrocery store, can help combat a lot
of issues, especially loneliness,which many elderly people, even our
own parents, surprise, surprise,might be suffering from nowadays too.
(09:24):
Then,
Medication issues area whole nother front.
if taking medication is becominga problem, even if they don't
totally admit this, you can setup a simple pill reminder system.
There are all sorts of tools onlineeverything from a box that beeps at you
or a notification that you get when it'sbeen taken, which are very easy to set up.
(09:47):
That system however, worksbetter if you live close by.
And if you're able to do so, thenlet mom and dad handle the day-to-day
management of their actual pilltaking instead of you sneaking in
to make sure they actually did so.
We all hate somebody who's spying,and if that happens, mistrust can be a
big issue and lead to bigger problemsdown the road, so try not to go there.
(10:12):
if you're not able to physically handson help them with organizing their
meds, either because of distance,Or time constraints, contact your
local pharmacy and ask if theyoffer something called medication
synchronization or medication packaging.
there's even a system you can set up intheir home that will alert you to movement
(10:34):
in the house without cameras, which isvery nice for them, maybe not for you.
And it'll even tell you what cabinetdoors have been opened or even if there's
movement or extra heat in the house.
Heat in the house, I say, becauseyou never know when a stove
might be left on by accident.
I'll put a link to thesetools in the episode notes.
(10:55):
Besides that, if you haven'tseen it already, there's a
new AI pin called Humane.
You can get that at humane.
com, where mom and dad can weara pin, kind of like the accessory
that you see in Star Trek.
Beam me up Scotty.
And all you have to do is tap it, andask to call Nancy, Bob, Sue, or Diane,
(11:18):
whoever it might be, or even 911.
I don't have one myself,but a friend does.
And he said it took a lot of time anda lot of frustration to set it up.
But the support system at the companyis pretty good at helping you with that.
And they admit there's aproblem in instructions.
So considering that it'snew, just work with it.
If you decide to get the PIN.
(11:40):
The goal Ultimately, is to empowerour parents to live as independently
and safely as they can for aslong as possible by providing the
right resources and safety nets.
Think of yourself as a partner intheir care, not as a parent to them.
As I've said before, time and time again,this is a pet peeve of mine, period.
(12:02):
I'll likely say thatagain in other episodes.
But please, just bear with me.
Also, make sure that the linesof communication are open.
That AI PIN can be a great help there.
Or lower tech tools, like simpleletter writing and a phone
call to share what's happening.
And don't be boring.
(12:23):
You can ask about theirday, and they can be boring.
But try to sound excited aboutevery little detail that they share.
The meal, the TV show they watched,the books they read, the pesky
solicitors who keep knocking on thedoor, or some angry political outburst.
It's alright.
It's mom and dad.
(12:43):
You're going to love them anyway.
Or at least I hope so.
Their days may not be filledwith as much excitement as yours.
But listening to these little detailsin your conversations or even notes
that you send back and forth can bethe window into subtle changes that
might be taking place and a soft,gentle change in how you support them.
(13:06):
If you're close by, and even ifyou're not, don't forget to plan
regular visits and entertainingactivities and check ins and ask.
How things are going or just what theymight want to do to make their day better.
Quite frankly, most people will not knowwhat to do to make their day better or
simply just say, Oh, don't worry about me.
(13:26):
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You just have a good time.
You know, one of my favorite toolswhile visiting mom and dad was Groupon.
Gosh, we had some fun.
There are crazy things thatyou can do on Groupon that are
safe for elderly frail people.
and one of them actually includeda three hour cruise, kind of like
Gilligan's Island, without the crash.
(13:49):
Mom and Dad loved cruising, but at acertain point in their lives, frailty
kind of got the better part of them.
And I hated to see Dad really wantingto go on a cruise again and plan.
He loved that planning part.
so what we did on Groupon was torent one of those small little
charter, yachts in quotes.
(14:10):
It was big enough to have all of our aidesand their family members join us too.
We had a big picnic and wecruised the Tampa Harbor.
After three hours, mom and dad wereexhausted and everybody had a great
time and it was a bit of a giftfor our aides and their family too.
I have to say a cruise of two or threeor even four days would have been too
(14:32):
much for mom and dad and it would havebeen too much for me to make sure that
they were safe and maybe even an aidethat I would have brought along too.
Safety would have been the key there.
And I know I thought about it, but Iwas also concerned about, man overboard,
Throw out the life rafts!
I'm glad I didn't haveto worry about that one.
(14:53):
Speaking of communications, make sureyou get to know mom and dad's friends and
neighbors, even if they don't know them.
Chances are, if they live in aneighborhood, everybody knows who
somebody else is, and the gossip,hopefully not, may go back and forth.
But just asking somebody to knockon the door and make sure they're
okay or sending over some flowers.
(15:14):
Okay.
So if you have to pay the neighborsto bring flowers over to make
sure that mom and dad are okay.
But you can do that.
Sometimes they don't need to knowevery little detail, just as long
as you know that they're safe.
And speaking of strangers, sadly, Iwant to bring this point forward again.
We've talked about it in a previouspodcast about scams, predominantly love
scams, but targets of these scammersare either young people in their
(15:42):
20s, big part of them, or over 60.
the average victim will lose $33,915.
Now, that's reported.
Imagine how much more is gone for thosethat are too embarrassed to even mention
anything to a local police departmentor an FBI agent, speaking of FBI agents,
(16:05):
who would even know how to contactthem if you're a local person, right?
In any case, the whole scam issue isnot something to be taken lightly.
But it is something to keep aneye out for, and an explanation to
them is always helpful, of course.
I mention this because all too oftenour levels of trust escalate as we age.
(16:26):
That's just in general.
That's just our human nature, and it'sa lovely one at that, but it can also,
but it can also be a dangerous one.
I mentioned this because too oftenour levels of trust escalate.
I mean, as we age, This isgenerally true for most people.
(16:48):
We tend to want to trust peoplemore frequently as we get older.
We've had lots of experience, sowe kind of know what's best, right?
it's actually a lovely thing,yet can also result in physical,
emotional, and financial damage.
this includes financial advisors whomight be more interested in their wallet
than your parents, aides who can create adifferent, more intimate level of trust in
(17:10):
their home, Medicare sales representativeswho ask for personal information and try
to switch them to better plans, I've heardthat too many times, just be careful, I'm
just giving you a little tip out there,and even care facility managers, yes,
they bring in independent marketers whoget paid on performance, aka move ins.
(17:32):
Oh, and don't forget tech scams.
You know, more of our parents are involvedin technology, and that's a good thing.
However, asking for help andconstantly coming back to you for,
how do you turn this thing on?
Or, I can't get into my emailagain, can be something that
they could be embarrassed about.
So, calling tech support can be away for them to get what they need
(17:53):
quickly without bothering you.
I'll have to admit.
I accidentally fell victim to oneof these years ago, but luckily
caught it and there were no issues.
And that's for another episode.
One of the last scams I'm going to mentionhere today is really charity scams.
Now what does a charityhave to do with scams?
(18:14):
Well, you might be surprised andit's not necessarily intentional.
I would say it's more likely getting thebetter side of the good side of people.
Here's one example of an older friendwho always had a good heart, and his
widow realized exactly how much moneywas going out the door after he passed.
(18:36):
As she started to go through old files andmail that he meticulously organized, She
saw how he documented 25 to this charity,25 to that charity, and the list went on.
Cancelled checks started adding up, andshe's like, what the heck is going on?
As it turned out, with every 25 checkthat he sent out, within a week or
(18:59):
two or three, from the same charity,another request would come in.
A little forgetful, he'dsend another 25 check out.
Soon, those 25 checks added up tothousands and thousands of dollars
over the weeks, months and years.
Youch.
(19:20):
How to go broke 25 at a time.
Maybe that's another podcastepisode we should think about.
So I did move slightly, alittle bit, to the side.
on how to get parents to accept help.
Or have I?
All of these great stories andbits of information are things
you can share over the course ofconversations with your parents in
(19:42):
efforts to help them understand
that the world has gottena little bit more sneaky.
Not always sinisterly, but hopefully.
if you share these stories in a gentleway, it can help them think a bit more
deeply and say, yep, I could use alittle bit more help with mowing the
(20:03):
lawn or pulling the weeds or just makingsure the flowers look fresh outside.
When that starts to happen, you'llbe heading down the right path.
please remember, work to avoid nagging,constant nagging, or even a little
bit of nagging about their healthor trying to take over their lives.
(20:24):
There's still adults in our parentswho deserve respect and autonomy.
As much as possible.
Ultimately supporting ouraging parents is about balance.
being there for them when neededwhile protecting their dignity and
your own time and privacy as well.
With empathy and open communicationand creative problem solving, you
(20:46):
can find an approach that works forthe whole family, yours and theirs.
After all, has their naggingever gotten you to do anything
that you didn't want to do?
On that note, thank youfor joining me here today.
Be sure to subscribe to futureepisodes of Eldercare Success
and listen to past episodes.
(21:06):
You can do so by going toEldercareSuccess(dot)live.
You now also have access to hundredsof tips, tools, and resources through
this podcast and real stories to betterhelp you navigate the challenges and
new ways to find more joy and caring foryour mom and dad and other loved ones.
Remember don't forget tocare about yourself too.
(21:27):
Also please remember that theone number we should all learn to
use and dial when needed is 911.
There are more things that can tripyou up literally and figuratively
when you have to call for helpin a critical care situation.
For that reason, please run.
Don't walk over to Amazon and get thebook, How To Survive 9 1 1 Medical
(21:47):
Emergencies, A Step-By-Step Guide.
You'll learn how not to sign certainthings in the ER and why you shouldn't,
how to get better help in the hospital,how to get discharged faster, how
to deal with rehab facilities sothat you don't go broke or at home.
And even how to dial 9 1 1when the 9 1 1 system is down.
And yes, it does go down.
(22:09):
And, in that case, you do notwant to find yourself at a
loss or mom and dad at a loss.
Finally, if you have a questionor simply like to share an opinion
about the show or a specific episode,or even want to recommend a guest,
go to EldercareSuccess(dot)Live.
There's a small blue tab on the righthand side of the screen that when you
click it will come to a pop up page andthere you can leave a voicemail message
(22:34):
or a written note or comment or question.
If you do that, I'll share your questionsand opinions on future episodes.
With that, until next time,this is Nancy May at Doing it
Best With Eldercare Success.
Why would you want to do it any other way?
Be well, stay strong, and keep caring.
Bye bye.
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