May 1, 2024 • 12 mins
Navigating Dignity and Incontinence: A Daughter's Journey
This episode of Eldercare Success dives deep into this daughter's personal, and sometimes humorous journey as she navigates the challenges of assisting her father with accepting that he needs to use incontinence underwear.
Nancy May, your host, openly shares her, and her Dad’s personal experiences, including both missteps and successful strategies, revealing the complexities of caregiving with empathy and authenticity. From employing unconventional methods like acupuncture to confronting somewhat embarrassing medical appointments, this episode of Eldercare Success addresses the delicate balance of maintaining dignity and the practical realities of incontinence, and when pee happens.
This episode includes lessons on patience, understanding, and respect, providing practical insights into the realities of caregiving for the parents we love.
It's guaranteed to make you laugh, and perhaps shed a tear or two, also.
Key Takeaways:
- How to be involved, and even empowered to help
- Ways to preserve dignity, theirs and yours!
- Considerations about comfort
- Important health-related issues
- Tips to maintain independence, privacy, and respect.
This episode of Eldercare Success gives you insights into the practical aspects of caregiving. It also touches on the emotional resilience required to handle such sensitive matters.
It's a must-listen for anyone in a caregiving role… wife, daughter, and professional caregivers alike.
🔑 Eldercare Success Episode Links & Resources:
- Recommended Fall Detection tools: Fall Call, Emergency Door Open Locks.
- Podcast: Eldercare Success (please share with those you care about)
- Book: How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, and After
- Eldercare Success on YouTube
- Eldercare Success, link to ask Nancy a question: There's a small blue tab on the right side of the page that says "Send a Voice Mail Message to Nancy." Click on that and follow the directions on the pop-up. Then send me your comments and questions so that I can answer them on the show.
Host: Nancy A. May has managed caregiving from both the Boardroom to the Emergency Room while supporting the wellbeing of her aging parents. Today she teaches and advises business owners, corporations, and individual families how to navigate and improve the quality of eldercare with more strength and confidence. Nancy is the five-star author of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, After! and an award-winning expert in managing the complexities of caring for an aging parent or family member, even from over 1200 miles away, or more. For a Free File-of-Life to
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nancy May (00:00):
How do you manage your parents incontinence issues
when you're their adult child?
Stay tuned.
This is a story you might want to hear.
My dad and I always hada great relationship.
Growing up, I loved it when Mom took mysister and me to Dad's factory and office.
(00:22):
I'd walk the factory floor withhim and ask questions about
how everyone did their job.
Curious about the art and creativity thatwent into every facet, I watched with
deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or AuntSally, as we called everybody, shared with
great pride how they made the eyeglassesand frames that Dad designed and crafted.
(00:46):
As years passed, my interest and respectfor what he did continued to grow.
A new lesson or skill wasaround every corner, in every
piece of material and magazine.
He'd bring home Vogue, Women's WearDaily, And material samples that he'd
bring home to assess color and style.
(01:07):
From those early days, dad showed meand taught me how to observe and think
through and work through many problems,whether they be business or personal.
But when I took over as mom and dad'sPOA, Even though Dad had prepared me the
best he could for taking over as now cohead of the family with Dad as my wingman,
(01:30):
taking over to learn how to assess anddetermine what problems to fix weren't
as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.
Stepping in to help with such personalthings as Dad's evolving issues with
incontinence was just one example.
Overseeing their care from 1, 200miles away had its advantages and
(01:50):
disadvantages for sure, and understandingthe impact of his incontinence was one
of those, what do I do now moments.
Really?
So that it wouldn't be such a burdenon her and others to convince dad
to first wear disposables and thenadmit to the fact that he needed
to change his disposable underwearmore frequently than once a day.
(02:14):
Okay, let's see how we're goingto handle this one, Nance.
my first thoughts were to help Dad andstill keep his pride and dignity intact.
So, through research an acupuncturist whoensured she could resolve Dad's problem.
(02:35):
Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had usedin the past and was open to the idea,
so I thought this would be an easy one.
However this acupuncturist was a bitmore on the spa like environment side,
versus one that was in a more medicalenvironment, which Dad was comfortable
with and had used in the past.
The soft music, warm lights, andfeminine curtains made Dad think,
(03:02):
Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.
I could almost see the balloonover his head saying that.
After several treatments, and nochanges or response, and an insistence
from the acupuncturist that this wouldtake a lot more time, and a few more
costly treatments, both both dad andI happily decided to save our time
(03:23):
and money and call this option quits.
Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's icecream shop proved to be a lot more
enjoyable together and did not impacthis urinary issues one way or another,
but it certainly put a smile on his face.
And mine too.
Now, stuck and looking for other optionsfor the same issue still prevailing, Dad's
(03:47):
GP, doctor, through the insistence of thatsame lead aide, and yes, she was let go
shortly thereafter for a variety of otherreasons as well, recommended a urologist.
Thankfully, for that appointment,another aide went with us.
you see, Dad had not seen a urologist,in years, and likely even since I was
(04:09):
a kid, if at all, not knowing myselfwhat happens at a male urology exam,
we were both in for a rude awakening.
You see, all right, I'll spare youthe details, but whatever he did, had
dad running out of that exam room withhis pants down around his knees and
my soon to be lead aide running afterhim trying to help and calm him down.
(04:33):
We both felt terribly embarrassedand bad for what we had put
dad through at that time.
He wouldn't look at me in the faceafter that one for the rest of
the day, even though we had allgone to lunch together to try and
diffuse the issue and bad feelings.
Later, I learned that Dadthought the guy was actually
trying to sexually accost him.
(04:54):
Gah!
What was I thinking?
OMG, how do you, as adaughter, respond to that one?
All in the name of trying to help mydad, and now fired former lead aide.
Thankfully, my dad had great faithin my ability and patience with the
learning curve we went through togetherto make his life and mom's life.
(05:16):
Happy, safe, comfortable, and financiallysound right to their final days.
The moral of this episode is caringfor parents we love, no matter what
your medical professional or personalqualifications are, take time, time and
understanding both theirs and yours.
(05:38):
They take patience, patience and actuallyunderstanding that you're probably
not going to get it right the firsttime, and even medical professionals
don't know the answers all the time.
You know your parents better thananybody else, and you can try, and
if they have trust in you, they willlisten, and together, you're going to
(05:59):
go over a few humps, but in the end,things will always work out fine.
They take understanding, as I saidearlier, theirs and yours, and your aides,
and the other professionals you workwith as well, too, and a little, if not
a lot, of experimentation along the way.
(06:21):
Everybody's slightly different.
You, your folks, your siblings,and your entire family.
We did eventually figureout how to help Dad.
That involved making sure that everyaide we employed had the head, and
the heart, and the wherewithal to copewith Dad's bodily changes as he aged.
(06:41):
For women, it seems to be a little biteasier, as most aides are female too.
If an aide didn't care for dad's dignityas much as his physical issues, We
changed them out in less than a heartbeat.
It also meant moving fast when hisundergarments needed to be changed
so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.
(07:01):
For those who haven't been down thispath, it's important to know that wet
underwear against aging, thin, and frailskin can quickly result in irritation
and eventually, and potentially, lifethreatening wounds if left untreated.
attention to such detail, asuncomfortable as it might be for you
(07:21):
and them, is critical to a good life.
Every single day, as the oldsaying goes, in a more polite way,
of course, poop and pee happens.
how we help our parents through thispart of aging is just as important as a
phone call or visit to say, I love you.
(07:41):
Actions speak louder than words,even when they don't hear you.
Here are three tips that can help youand your folks through this process.
as I said earlier, I actually think thisis an easier transition for women who do
need to wear incontinent underwear, aswe've all had to use sanitary products
of some sort throughout our lives.
(08:03):
That's just how we work.
For men and our dads, I believethis is a lot more difficult.
And can be personally humiliating,if not downright tough.
first, if at all possible,empower with choice.
Try to explain what might happen if.
(08:25):
Now, the stories don't need to benasty, or pushy, or too graphic.
and if this is done well, yourstorytelling will involve your
parents in the process aboutwhen to start using a product.
Also, which product is mostcomfortable and best used for
each time of day or situation.
(08:46):
This can help them feel injust a little bit more control.
No pun intended.
Two, focus on comfort.
Select high quality products thatare not only absorbent, but are
designed to be more comfortablethan those really cheap ones.
comfort can reduce resistance towearing protective underwear, period.
(09:08):
They will also help reduce abrasionor skin sores due to scratchy textures
on delicate or frail older skin.
That, in turn, as said earlier,will reduce the chances of other
critical health issues And yourconcern for their well being too.
Three, work to set upand maintain a routine
(09:29):
a scheduled routine will help you or acaregiver from having to force the need
to keep checking to see if they're wetand then harassing them to get changed.
Okay.
It kind of sounds likethey're kids, but they're not.
Our parents are not infants.
As I've said in previous episodes,this is one of my personal pet peeves.
(09:51):
Please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
Adults, or maybe not at times,and treating them as such is
healthy for them as well as you.
I hope this episode gives you a few moretools to make it easier to deal with
the challenges of supporting your folksand caring for them, whether that be
(10:15):
around the block or from 1200 miles away.
And don't forget to get the book, Howto Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.
this is one of those numbers thatyou will likely call more than
calling to check in on mom and dad.
It can make a huge difference in the typeof care that they receive in the ER and
you too, especially if you know what to dobefore, during, and after a hospital stay.
(10:42):
On that note, incontinence is notan easy subject for anybody to deal
with, but hopefully this is one thatwill make your time going through
this stage just a little bit easier.
And, more importantly, just a littlebit easier for your folks too.
If you like this show, please shareit with a friend, a family member,
(11:04):
or somebody that you even meet atStarbucks or Dunkin Donuts online who
look like they're going through somestress and strain and just might need a
little bit more help with mom and dad.
It can be your gift to them.
Even if you don't know them,because it's our gift to you.
And before I go, Dad, if you'relistening from the stars, please
(11:26):
forgive me for sharing some of your morepersonal issues in such a public way.
But I know you understand thatwe're both working to help
others do well and do good.
That's what we do, right?
Here is another spring short fromEldercare Success, and this one is a,
(11:47):
and this one is a difficult subject.
That's, and this one's, Welcome toAnother Spring Short of Eldercare Success.
This one's about a really toughsubject that we probably, this, this
(12:08):
is another spring shortfrom Eldercare Success.
And it's a subject that is probably goingto make you feel a little uncomfortable.
How do you discussincontinence with your folks?
Theirs, not yours.
Stay tuned.
This is one you're goingto want to listen to.
(12:30):
And yes, it's a true story.
Love you lots.
Bye bye.
Here is another spring short fromEldercare Success, and this one is a,
(12:52):
and this one is a difficult subject.
That's, and this one's, Welcome toAnother Spring Short of Eldercare Success.
This one's about a really toughsubject that we probably, this, this
(13:12):
is another spring shortfrom Eldercare Success.
And it's a subject that is probably goingto make you feel a little uncomfortable.
How do you discussincontinence with your folks?
Theirs, not yours.
Stay tuned.
This is one you're goingto want to listen to.
(13:34):
And yes, it's a true story.
How to Manage Incontinence.
How do you manage a dad?
How do you manage your parentsincontinence issues when
(13:56):
you're their adult child?
Stay tuned.
This is a story youmight want to learn from.
Stay tuned.
This is a story you might want to hear.
My dad and I always hada great relationship.
(14:17):
Growing up, I loved it when Mom took mysister and me to Dad's factory and office.
I'd walk the factory floor withhim and ask questions about
how everyone did their job.
Curious about the art and creativity thatwent into every facet, I watched with
deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or AuntSally, as we called everybody, shared with
(14:39):
great pride how they made the eyeglassesand frames that Dad designed and crafted.
As years passed, my interest and respectfor what he did continued to grow.
A new lesson or skill wasaround every corner, in every
(15:01):
piece of material and magazine.
He'd bring home Vogue, Women's WearDaily, and material samples he'd bring
from And material samples that he'dbring home to assess color and style.
Those early days,
from those early days, I observed howto think and work through problems.
(15:27):
From those early days, dad showed meand taught me how to observe and think
through and work through many problems,whether they be business or personal.
But when I took over as mom and dad'sPOA, Even though Dad had prepared me the
best he could for taking over as now cohead of the family with Dad as my wingman,
(15:49):
taking over to learn how to assess anddetermine what problems to fix weren't
as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.
Stepping in to help with such personalthings as Dad's evolving issues with
incontinence was just one example.
(16:10):
Overseeing their care from 1, 200miles away had its advantages and
disadvantages for sure, and understandingthe impact of his incontinence was one
of those, what do I do now moments.
Our lead aide, who I'd hired, andyes, eventually fired, but that's
(16:30):
for another episode, had convinced methat there was a way to dry dad up.
Really?
So what?
Really?
So that it wouldn't be such a burdenon her and others to convince dad
to first wear disposables and thenadmit to the fact that he needed
(16:53):
to change his disposable underwearmore frequently than once a day.
Okay, let's see how we're goingto handle this one, Nance.
So one of my thirs so one of myfirst thoughts was to help dad,
(17:14):
so one of my first thoughts, so myfirst thoughts were to first So my
first thoughts were to help Dad andstill keep his pride and dignity intact.
So, through research, So through Sothrough research an acupuncturist who
(17:37):
ensured she could resolve Dad's problem.
Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had usedin the past and was open to the idea,
so I thought this would be an easy one.
However, this acupuncturist was a bitmore on the spa like environment side,
(17:59):
versus one that was more medical yenvironment, versus one that was in a
more medical environment, which Dad wascomfortable with and had used in the past.
The soft music, warm lights, andfeminine curtains made Dad think,
Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.
(18:20):
I could almost see the balloonover his head saying that.
After several pre After severaltreatments, and no changes or response,
and an insistence from the acupuncturistthat this would take a lot more time,
and a few more costly treatments,both dad and I decided, both dad and
(18:42):
I happily decided to save our timeand money and call this option quits.
Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's icecream shop proved to be a lot more
enjoyable together and did not impacthis urinary issues one way or another,
but it certainly put a smile on his face.
And mine too.
(19:05):
Now, looking for other optionsfor the same issue that was still
prevailing, Dad's GP or doctor thought,
now, looking for options.
Now, stuck and looking forother options for the same issue
still prevailing, is Dad's GP.
(19:28):
Dad's GP, doctor, through the insistenceof that same lead aide, and yes,
she was let go shortly thereafterfor a variety of other reasons
as well, recommended a urologist.
Thankfully, for that appointment,another aide went with us.
You see, Dad had not, you see, Dadhad, you see, Dad had not seen a
(19:52):
urologist, likely in years, andlikely even since I was a kid, if at
all, not knowing myself what happensat a male urology exam, my Dad,
(20:13):
not knowing what would happen ina urology exam with my Dad, we
were both in for a rude awakening.
You see, all right, I'll spare you thedetails, but what he did, but whatever
he did, had dad running out of that examroom with his pants down around his knees
and my soon to be lead aide running afterhim trying to help and calm him down.
(20:38):
We both felt terribly embarrassedand bad for what we had put
dad through at that time.
Dad wouldn't look me in the face.
The three of us went to lunch, andDad wouldn't look me in the face
after that for the rest of the day.
(21:05):
We finally got our things back together,and all bundled back into the We
finally got our things back together,and all jumped back into the car.
He wouldn't look at me in the faceafter that one for the rest of
the day, even though we had allgone to lunch together to try and
diffuse the issue and bad feelings.
Later, I learned that Dadthought the guy was actually
(21:28):
trying to sexually accost him.
Gah!
What was I thinking?
OMG, how do you, as adaughter, respond to that one?
All in the name of trying to help mydad, and now fired former lead aide.
(21:55):
Thankfully, my dad and I had great,thankfully, thankfully, my dad
had great faith in my ability andpatience with my learning curve.
Thankfully, my dad hadgreat faith in my ability.
and Patience in My Learning Curve aswe went through many things together
(22:16):
to make his life and mom's life.
Thankfully, my dad had greatfaith in my ability and patience
with the learning curve.
Thankfully, my dad hadgreat faith and ability.
(22:37):
Thankfully, my dad had great faithin my ability and patience with the
learning curve we went through togetherto make his life and mom's life.
Happy, safe, comfortable, and financiallysound right to their final days.
The moral of this episode is caringfor parents we love, no matter what
(23:01):
your medical professional or personalqualifications are, take time, time and
understanding both theirs and yours.
They take patience, patience and actuallyunderstanding that you're probably not
going to get it right the first time.
And even medical professionalsdon't know the answers all the time.
(23:24):
You know your parents better thananybody else, and you can try, and
if they have trust in you, they willlisten, and together, you're going to
go over a few humps, but in the end,things will always work out fine.
They take understanding, as I saidearlier, theirs and yours, and your
aides, and the other professionals youwork with as well, too, and a little
(23:49):
experimentation, and a little, if not alot, of experimentation along the way.
Everybody's slightly different.
You, your folks, your siblings,and your entire family.
We did eventually figureout how to help Dad.
That involved making sure that everyaide we employed had the head, and
(24:13):
the heart, and the wherewithal to copewith Dad's bodily changes as he aged.
For women, it seems to be a little biteasier, as most aides are female too.
If an aide doesn't care,
if an aide didn't care for Dad'sdignity as much as his figure, If an
(24:35):
aide didn't care for dad's physicaldignity as much as his issues, If an
aide didn't care for dad's dignity asmuch as his physical issues, We changed
them out in less than a heartbeat.
It also meant moving fast when hisundergarments needed to be changed
(24:55):
so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.
For those who haven't been down thispath, it's important to know that wet
underwear against aging, thin, and frailskin can quickly result in irritation
and eventually, and potentially, lifethreatening wounds if left untreated.
(25:15):
So attention to such detail, asuncomfortable as it might be.
So attention to such detail, asin, so attention to such detail, as
uncomfortable as it might be for youand them, is critical to a good life.
Every single day, as the oldsaying goes, in a more polite
(25:36):
way, of course, NP happens.
How we help our parents, how we helpour parents through this part of
aging is just as important as a phonecall or visit to say, I love you.
Actions speak louder than words,even when they don't hear you.
(25:59):
Here are three tips that can help youand your folks through this process.
I actually said, as I said earlier, as Isaid earlier, I actually think it's easier
trans, as I said earlier, I actually thinkthis is an easier transition for women
(26:19):
who do need to wear incontinent underwear,as we've all had to use sanitary products
of some sort throughout our lives.
That's just how we work.
For men and our dads, I believe this isa lot more difficult than we can person.
For men and our dads, I believe thisis a lot more difficult than can
(26:40):
be person for men and our dads, Ibelieve this is a lot more difficult.
And can be personally humiliating,if not downright tough.
First of all, first, if at allpossible, empower with choice.
(27:03):
Try to explain what might happen if.
Now, the stories don't need to benasty, or pushy, or too graphic.
And if done well, they will involveyour parents in the decision process,
and if done well, will, and if thisis done well, your storytelling
(27:28):
will involve your parents decisionmaking in the process about
when to start using a product.
Also, which product is mostcomfortable and best used for
each time of day or situation.
This can help them feel injust a little bit more control.
No pun intended.
(27:52):
Focus on comfort.
Select high quality product.
Two, focus on comfort.
Select high quality products thatare not only absorbent, but are
designed to be more comfortablethan those really cheap ones.
Comfort can reduce, comfort canreduce resistance to wearing
(28:13):
protective underwear, period.
They will also help reduce abrasionor skin sores due to scratchy textures
on delicate or frail older skin.
That, in turn, as said earlier,will reduce the chances of other
critical health issues and yourconcern for their well being, too.
And your concern for their well being too.
(28:39):
Work to, three, work to set upand maintain a routine to increase
their privacy and respect.
Try to establish a routine that respectsprivacy, like scheduling, try to
establish a routine that respects privacy.
Like scheduling regular times forbathroom breaks and changes, which, which
(29:04):
if uncomfortable for you, can gently,
which, if uncomfortable for you,can gently yet professionally be
handled by a trusted caregiver.
Which, if uncomfortable foryou, can be gently handled
(29:25):
by a professional caregiver,
which, if uncomfortable for you,can be gently yet professionally
handled by a trusted caregiver,who's been down this road before.
This will help you as a caregiver.
For having to force the need to keep
(29:49):
a schedule or routine will helpyou or a caregiver from having
to force your parents to need
a scheduled routine will help you or acaregiver from having to force the need
to keep checking to see if they're wetand then harassing them to get changed.
(30:10):
Okay.
It kind of sounds likethey're kids, but they're not.
Our parents are not infants.
As I've said in previous episodes,this is one of my personal pet peeves.
Please know we are still our,
please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
(30:33):
Please know we are still our parents.
Please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
Adults, or maybe not at times, andtreating them as such is healthy
and treating them as such ishealthy for them as well as you.
(30:59):
I hope this episode has given youa few more tools to make it easier.
I hope this episode gives you a fewmore tools to ease the challenges
of supporting or caring for ourfolks that from time to time,
I hope this episode gives you afew more tools to make it easier.
(31:21):
To deal with the challenges ofsupporting your folks and caring
for them, whether that be aroundthe block or from 1, 200 miles away.
And don't forget to get the book, Howto Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.
This is one of the, this is one of thosenumbers that you will likely call more
than calling to check in on mom and dad.
(31:43):
It can make a huge difference in thetype of care that they receive in the
ER and you too, especially when youknow, especially if you know what to do
before, during, and after a hospital stay.
On that note, This is not an easy subjectfor anybody to, on that note, incontinence
(32:05):
is not an easy subject for anybody todeal with, but hopefully this is one
that will make your time going throughthis stage just a little bit easier.
And more importantly, just a littleeasier, and more importantly, just a
little bit easier for your folks too.
If you like this show, please shareit with a friend, a family member,
(32:28):
or somebody that you even meet atStarbucks or Dunkin Donuts online
who look like they're going throughsome stress and strain and just might
need a little, and just might need alittle bit more help with mom and dad.
It can be your gift to them.
Even if you don't know them,because it's our gift to you.
And before I go, dad, if you'relistening from the stars, please
(32:53):
forgive me for sharing some of your morepersonal issues in such a public way.
But I know you understand.
We're both working to helpothers do well and do good.
That's what we do, right?
Love you lots.
Bye bye.
How do you manage your parents incontinence issues
when you're their adult child?
Stay tuned.
This is a story you might want to hear.
My dad and I always hada great relationship.
Growing up, I loved it when Mom took mysister and me to Dad's factory and office.
(00:22):
I'd walk the factory floor withhim and ask questions about
how everyone did their job.
Curious about the art and creativity thatwent into every facet, I watched with
deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or AuntSally, as we called everybody, shared with
great pride how they made the eyeglassesand frames that Dad designed and crafted.
(00:46):
As years passed, my interest and respectfor what he did continued to grow.
A new lesson or skill wasaround every corner, in every
piece of material and magazine.
He'd bring home Vogue, Women's WearDaily, And material samples that he'd
bring home to assess color and style.
(01:07):
From those early days, dad showed meand taught me how to observe and think
through and work through many problems,whether they be business or personal.
But when I took over as mom and dad'sPOA, Even though Dad had prepared me the
best he could for taking over as now cohead of the family with Dad as my wingman,
(01:30):
taking over to learn how to assess anddetermine what problems to fix weren't
as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.
Stepping in to help with such personalthings as Dad's evolving issues with
incontinence was just one example.
Overseeing their care from 1, 200miles away had its advantages and
(01:50):
disadvantages for sure, and understandingthe impact of his incontinence was one
of those, what do I do now moments.
Really?
So that it wouldn't be such a burdenon her and others to convince dad
to first wear disposables and thenadmit to the fact that he needed
to change his disposable underwearmore frequently than once a day.
(02:14):
Okay, let's see how we're goingto handle this one, Nance.
my first thoughts were to help Dad andstill keep his pride and dignity intact.
So, through research an acupuncturist whoensured she could resolve Dad's problem.
(02:35):
Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had usedin the past and was open to the idea,
so I thought this would be an easy one.
However this acupuncturist was a bitmore on the spa like environment side,
versus one that was in a more medicalenvironment, which Dad was comfortable
with and had used in the past.
The soft music, warm lights, andfeminine curtains made Dad think,
(03:02):
Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.
I could almost see the balloonover his head saying that.
After several treatments, and nochanges or response, and an insistence
from the acupuncturist that this wouldtake a lot more time, and a few more
costly treatments, both both dad andI happily decided to save our time
(03:23):
and money and call this option quits.
Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's icecream shop proved to be a lot more
enjoyable together and did not impacthis urinary issues one way or another,
but it certainly put a smile on his face.
And mine too.
Now, stuck and looking for other optionsfor the same issue still prevailing, Dad's
(03:47):
GP, doctor, through the insistence of thatsame lead aide, and yes, she was let go
shortly thereafter for a variety of otherreasons as well, recommended a urologist.
Thankfully, for that appointment,another aide went with us.
you see, Dad had not seen a urologist,in years, and likely even since I was
(04:09):
a kid, if at all, not knowing myselfwhat happens at a male urology exam,
we were both in for a rude awakening.
You see, all right, I'll spare youthe details, but whatever he did, had
dad running out of that exam room withhis pants down around his knees and
my soon to be lead aide running afterhim trying to help and calm him down.
(04:33):
We both felt terribly embarrassedand bad for what we had put
dad through at that time.
He wouldn't look at me in the faceafter that one for the rest of
the day, even though we had allgone to lunch together to try and
diffuse the issue and bad feelings.
Later, I learned that Dadthought the guy was actually
trying to sexually accost him.
(04:54):
Gah!
What was I thinking?
OMG, how do you, as adaughter, respond to that one?
All in the name of trying to help mydad, and now fired former lead aide.
Thankfully, my dad had great faithin my ability and patience with the
learning curve we went through togetherto make his life and mom's life.
(05:16):
Happy, safe, comfortable, and financiallysound right to their final days.
The moral of this episode is caringfor parents we love, no matter what
your medical professional or personalqualifications are, take time, time and
understanding both theirs and yours.
(05:38):
They take patience, patience and actuallyunderstanding that you're probably
not going to get it right the firsttime, and even medical professionals
don't know the answers all the time.
You know your parents better thananybody else, and you can try, and
if they have trust in you, they willlisten, and together, you're going to
(05:59):
go over a few humps, but in the end,things will always work out fine.
They take understanding, as I saidearlier, theirs and yours, and your aides,
and the other professionals you workwith as well, too, and a little, if not
a lot, of experimentation along the way.
(06:21):
Everybody's slightly different.
You, your folks, your siblings,and your entire family.
We did eventually figureout how to help Dad.
That involved making sure that everyaide we employed had the head, and
the heart, and the wherewithal to copewith Dad's bodily changes as he aged.
(06:41):
For women, it seems to be a little biteasier, as most aides are female too.
If an aide didn't care for dad's dignityas much as his physical issues, We
changed them out in less than a heartbeat.
It also meant moving fast when hisundergarments needed to be changed
so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.
(07:01):
For those who haven't been down thispath, it's important to know that wet
underwear against aging, thin, and frailskin can quickly result in irritation
and eventually, and potentially, lifethreatening wounds if left untreated.
attention to such detail, asuncomfortable as it might be for you
(07:21):
and them, is critical to a good life.
Every single day, as the oldsaying goes, in a more polite way,
of course, poop and pee happens.
how we help our parents through thispart of aging is just as important as a
phone call or visit to say, I love you.
(07:41):
Actions speak louder than words,even when they don't hear you.
Here are three tips that can help youand your folks through this process.
as I said earlier, I actually think thisis an easier transition for women who do
need to wear incontinent underwear, aswe've all had to use sanitary products
of some sort throughout our lives.
(08:03):
That's just how we work.
For men and our dads, I believethis is a lot more difficult.
And can be personally humiliating,if not downright tough.
first, if at all possible,empower with choice.
Try to explain what might happen if.
(08:25):
Now, the stories don't need to benasty, or pushy, or too graphic.
and if this is done well, yourstorytelling will involve your
parents in the process aboutwhen to start using a product.
Also, which product is mostcomfortable and best used for
each time of day or situation.
(08:46):
This can help them feel injust a little bit more control.
No pun intended.
Two, focus on comfort.
Select high quality products thatare not only absorbent, but are
designed to be more comfortablethan those really cheap ones.
comfort can reduce resistance towearing protective underwear, period.
(09:08):
They will also help reduce abrasionor skin sores due to scratchy textures
on delicate or frail older skin.
That, in turn, as said earlier,will reduce the chances of other
critical health issues And yourconcern for their well being too.
Three, work to set upand maintain a routine
(09:29):
a scheduled routine will help you or acaregiver from having to force the need
to keep checking to see if they're wetand then harassing them to get changed.
Okay.
It kind of sounds likethey're kids, but they're not.
Our parents are not infants.
As I've said in previous episodes,this is one of my personal pet peeves.
(09:51):
Please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
Adults, or maybe not at times,and treating them as such is
healthy for them as well as you.
I hope this episode gives you a few moretools to make it easier to deal with
the challenges of supporting your folksand caring for them, whether that be
(10:15):
around the block or from 1200 miles away.
And don't forget to get the book, Howto Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.
this is one of those numbers thatyou will likely call more than
calling to check in on mom and dad.
It can make a huge difference in the typeof care that they receive in the ER and
you too, especially if you know what to dobefore, during, and after a hospital stay.
(10:42):
On that note, incontinence is notan easy subject for anybody to deal
with, but hopefully this is one thatwill make your time going through
this stage just a little bit easier.
And, more importantly, just a littlebit easier for your folks too.
If you like this show, please shareit with a friend, a family member,
(11:04):
or somebody that you even meet atStarbucks or Dunkin Donuts online who
look like they're going through somestress and strain and just might need a
little bit more help with mom and dad.
It can be your gift to them.
Even if you don't know them,because it's our gift to you.
And before I go, Dad, if you'relistening from the stars, please
(11:26):
forgive me for sharing some of your morepersonal issues in such a public way.
But I know you understand thatwe're both working to help
others do well and do good.
That's what we do, right?
Here is another spring short fromEldercare Success, and this one is a,
(11:47):
and this one is a difficult subject.
That's, and this one's, Welcome toAnother Spring Short of Eldercare Success.
This one's about a really toughsubject that we probably, this, this
(12:08):
is another spring shortfrom Eldercare Success.
And it's a subject that is probably goingto make you feel a little uncomfortable.
How do you discussincontinence with your folks?
Theirs, not yours.
Stay tuned.
This is one you're goingto want to listen to.
(12:30):
And yes, it's a true story.
Love you lots.
Bye bye.
Here is another spring short fromEldercare Success, and this one is a,
(12:52):
and this one is a difficult subject.
That's, and this one's, Welcome toAnother Spring Short of Eldercare Success.
This one's about a really toughsubject that we probably, this, this
(13:12):
is another spring shortfrom Eldercare Success.
And it's a subject that is probably goingto make you feel a little uncomfortable.
How do you discussincontinence with your folks?
Theirs, not yours.
Stay tuned.
This is one you're goingto want to listen to.
(13:34):
And yes, it's a true story.
How to Manage Incontinence.
How do you manage a dad?
How do you manage your parentsincontinence issues when
(13:56):
you're their adult child?
Stay tuned.
This is a story youmight want to learn from.
Stay tuned.
This is a story you might want to hear.
My dad and I always hada great relationship.
(14:17):
Growing up, I loved it when Mom took mysister and me to Dad's factory and office.
I'd walk the factory floor withhim and ask questions about
how everyone did their job.
Curious about the art and creativity thatwent into every facet, I watched with
deep fascination, as Uncle Joe, or AuntSally, as we called everybody, shared with
(14:39):
great pride how they made the eyeglassesand frames that Dad designed and crafted.
As years passed, my interest and respectfor what he did continued to grow.
A new lesson or skill wasaround every corner, in every
(15:01):
piece of material and magazine.
He'd bring home Vogue, Women's WearDaily, and material samples he'd bring
from And material samples that he'dbring home to assess color and style.
Those early days,
from those early days, I observed howto think and work through problems.
(15:27):
From those early days, dad showed meand taught me how to observe and think
through and work through many problems,whether they be business or personal.
But when I took over as mom and dad'sPOA, Even though Dad had prepared me the
best he could for taking over as now cohead of the family with Dad as my wingman,
(15:49):
taking over to learn how to assess anddetermine what problems to fix weren't
as easy as he'd planned or hoped for me.
Stepping in to help with such personalthings as Dad's evolving issues with
incontinence was just one example.
(16:10):
Overseeing their care from 1, 200miles away had its advantages and
disadvantages for sure, and understandingthe impact of his incontinence was one
of those, what do I do now moments.
Our lead aide, who I'd hired, andyes, eventually fired, but that's
(16:30):
for another episode, had convinced methat there was a way to dry dad up.
Really?
So what?
Really?
So that it wouldn't be such a burdenon her and others to convince dad
to first wear disposables and thenadmit to the fact that he needed
(16:53):
to change his disposable underwearmore frequently than once a day.
Okay, let's see how we're goingto handle this one, Nance.
So one of my thirs so one of myfirst thoughts was to help dad,
(17:14):
so one of my first thoughts, so myfirst thoughts were to first So my
first thoughts were to help Dad andstill keep his pride and dignity intact.
So, through research, So through Sothrough research an acupuncturist who
(17:37):
ensured she could resolve Dad's problem.
Acupuncture was a tool that Dad had usedin the past and was open to the idea,
so I thought this would be an easy one.
However, this acupuncturist was a bitmore on the spa like environment side,
(17:59):
versus one that was more medical yenvironment, versus one that was in a
more medical environment, which Dad wascomfortable with and had used in the past.
The soft music, warm lights, andfeminine curtains made Dad think,
Okay, Nance, I'll trust you here.
(18:20):
I could almost see the balloonover his head saying that.
After several pre After severaltreatments, and no changes or response,
and an insistence from the acupuncturistthat this would take a lot more time,
and a few more costly treatments,both dad and I decided, both dad and
(18:42):
I happily decided to save our timeand money and call this option quits.
Honestly, trips to Papa Clyde's icecream shop proved to be a lot more
enjoyable together and did not impacthis urinary issues one way or another,
but it certainly put a smile on his face.
And mine too.
(19:05):
Now, looking for other optionsfor the same issue that was still
prevailing, Dad's GP or doctor thought,
now, looking for options.
Now, stuck and looking forother options for the same issue
still prevailing, is Dad's GP.
(19:28):
Dad's GP, doctor, through the insistenceof that same lead aide, and yes,
she was let go shortly thereafterfor a variety of other reasons
as well, recommended a urologist.
Thankfully, for that appointment,another aide went with us.
You see, Dad had not, you see, Dadhad, you see, Dad had not seen a
(19:52):
urologist, likely in years, andlikely even since I was a kid, if at
all, not knowing myself what happensat a male urology exam, my Dad,
(20:13):
not knowing what would happen ina urology exam with my Dad, we
were both in for a rude awakening.
You see, all right, I'll spare you thedetails, but what he did, but whatever
he did, had dad running out of that examroom with his pants down around his knees
and my soon to be lead aide running afterhim trying to help and calm him down.
(20:38):
We both felt terribly embarrassedand bad for what we had put
dad through at that time.
Dad wouldn't look me in the face.
The three of us went to lunch, andDad wouldn't look me in the face
after that for the rest of the day.
(21:05):
We finally got our things back together,and all bundled back into the We
finally got our things back together,and all jumped back into the car.
He wouldn't look at me in the faceafter that one for the rest of
the day, even though we had allgone to lunch together to try and
diffuse the issue and bad feelings.
Later, I learned that Dadthought the guy was actually
(21:28):
trying to sexually accost him.
Gah!
What was I thinking?
OMG, how do you, as adaughter, respond to that one?
All in the name of trying to help mydad, and now fired former lead aide.
(21:55):
Thankfully, my dad and I had great,thankfully, thankfully, my dad
had great faith in my ability andpatience with my learning curve.
Thankfully, my dad hadgreat faith in my ability.
and Patience in My Learning Curve aswe went through many things together
(22:16):
to make his life and mom's life.
Thankfully, my dad had greatfaith in my ability and patience
with the learning curve.
Thankfully, my dad hadgreat faith and ability.
(22:37):
Thankfully, my dad had great faithin my ability and patience with the
learning curve we went through togetherto make his life and mom's life.
Happy, safe, comfortable, and financiallysound right to their final days.
The moral of this episode is caringfor parents we love, no matter what
(23:01):
your medical professional or personalqualifications are, take time, time and
understanding both theirs and yours.
They take patience, patience and actuallyunderstanding that you're probably not
going to get it right the first time.
And even medical professionalsdon't know the answers all the time.
(23:24):
You know your parents better thananybody else, and you can try, and
if they have trust in you, they willlisten, and together, you're going to
go over a few humps, but in the end,things will always work out fine.
They take understanding, as I saidearlier, theirs and yours, and your
aides, and the other professionals youwork with as well, too, and a little
(23:49):
experimentation, and a little, if not alot, of experimentation along the way.
Everybody's slightly different.
You, your folks, your siblings,and your entire family.
We did eventually figureout how to help Dad.
That involved making sure that everyaide we employed had the head, and
(24:13):
the heart, and the wherewithal to copewith Dad's bodily changes as he aged.
For women, it seems to be a little biteasier, as most aides are female too.
If an aide doesn't care,
if an aide didn't care for Dad'sdignity as much as his figure, If an
(24:35):
aide didn't care for dad's physicaldignity as much as his issues, If an
aide didn't care for dad's dignity asmuch as his physical issues, We changed
them out in less than a heartbeat.
It also meant moving fast when hisundergarments needed to be changed
(24:55):
so he wasn't sitting in wet pants.
For those who haven't been down thispath, it's important to know that wet
underwear against aging, thin, and frailskin can quickly result in irritation
and eventually, and potentially, lifethreatening wounds if left untreated.
(25:15):
So attention to such detail, asuncomfortable as it might be.
So attention to such detail, asin, so attention to such detail, as
uncomfortable as it might be for youand them, is critical to a good life.
Every single day, as the oldsaying goes, in a more polite
(25:36):
way, of course, NP happens.
How we help our parents, how we helpour parents through this part of
aging is just as important as a phonecall or visit to say, I love you.
Actions speak louder than words,even when they don't hear you.
(25:59):
Here are three tips that can help youand your folks through this process.
I actually said, as I said earlier, as Isaid earlier, I actually think it's easier
trans, as I said earlier, I actually thinkthis is an easier transition for women
(26:19):
who do need to wear incontinent underwear,as we've all had to use sanitary products
of some sort throughout our lives.
That's just how we work.
For men and our dads, I believe this isa lot more difficult than we can person.
For men and our dads, I believe thisis a lot more difficult than can
(26:40):
be person for men and our dads, Ibelieve this is a lot more difficult.
And can be personally humiliating,if not downright tough.
First of all, first, if at allpossible, empower with choice.
(27:03):
Try to explain what might happen if.
Now, the stories don't need to benasty, or pushy, or too graphic.
And if done well, they will involveyour parents in the decision process,
and if done well, will, and if thisis done well, your storytelling
(27:28):
will involve your parents decisionmaking in the process about
when to start using a product.
Also, which product is mostcomfortable and best used for
each time of day or situation.
This can help them feel injust a little bit more control.
No pun intended.
(27:52):
Focus on comfort.
Select high quality product.
Two, focus on comfort.
Select high quality products thatare not only absorbent, but are
designed to be more comfortablethan those really cheap ones.
Comfort can reduce, comfort canreduce resistance to wearing
(28:13):
protective underwear, period.
They will also help reduce abrasionor skin sores due to scratchy textures
on delicate or frail older skin.
That, in turn, as said earlier,will reduce the chances of other
critical health issues and yourconcern for their well being, too.
And your concern for their well being too.
(28:39):
Work to, three, work to set upand maintain a routine to increase
their privacy and respect.
Try to establish a routine that respectsprivacy, like scheduling, try to
establish a routine that respects privacy.
Like scheduling regular times forbathroom breaks and changes, which, which
(29:04):
if uncomfortable for you, can gently,
which, if uncomfortable for you,can gently yet professionally be
handled by a trusted caregiver.
Which, if uncomfortable foryou, can be gently handled
(29:25):
by a professional caregiver,
which, if uncomfortable for you,can be gently yet professionally
handled by a trusted caregiver,who's been down this road before.
This will help you as a caregiver.
For having to force the need to keep
(29:49):
a schedule or routine will helpyou or a caregiver from having
to force your parents to need
a scheduled routine will help you or acaregiver from having to force the need
to keep checking to see if they're wetand then harassing them to get changed.
(30:10):
Okay.
It kind of sounds likethey're kids, but they're not.
Our parents are not infants.
As I've said in previous episodes,this is one of my personal pet peeves.
Please know we are still our,
please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
(30:33):
Please know we are still our parents.
Please know they are still our parentsand we are still their children.
Adults, or maybe not at times, andtreating them as such is healthy
and treating them as such ishealthy for them as well as you.
(30:59):
I hope this episode has given youa few more tools to make it easier.
I hope this episode gives you a fewmore tools to ease the challenges
of supporting or caring for ourfolks that from time to time,
I hope this episode gives you afew more tools to make it easier.
(31:21):
To deal with the challenges ofsupporting your folks and caring
for them, whether that be aroundthe block or from 1, 200 miles away.
And don't forget to get the book, Howto Survive 911 Medical Emergencies.
This is one of the, this is one of thosenumbers that you will likely call more
than calling to check in on mom and dad.
(31:43):
It can make a huge difference in thetype of care that they receive in the
ER and you too, especially when youknow, especially if you know what to do
before, during, and after a hospital stay.
On that note, This is not an easy subjectfor anybody to, on that note, incontinence
(32:05):
is not an easy subject for anybody todeal with, but hopefully this is one
that will make your time going throughthis stage just a little bit easier.
And more importantly, just a littleeasier, and more importantly, just a
little bit easier for your folks too.
If you like this show, please shareit with a friend, a family member,
(32:28):
or somebody that you even meet atStarbucks or Dunkin Donuts online
who look like they're going throughsome stress and strain and just might
need a little, and just might need alittle bit more help with mom and dad.
It can be your gift to them.
Even if you don't know them,because it's our gift to you.
And before I go, dad, if you'relistening from the stars, please
(32:53):
forgive me for sharing some of your morepersonal issues in such a public way.
But I know you understand.
We're both working to helpothers do well and do good.
That's what we do, right?
Love you lots.
Bye bye.
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