June 5, 2024 • 18 mins
How do you get paid to care for Mom & Dad?
In this episode of Eeldercare Success, your host, Nancy, explores an essential and practical topic for many families: getting paid to care for your elderly parent at home.
Here, Nancy breaks down the basics, discussing the basic difference between Medicare and Medicaid qualifications and how these programs can impact your ability to receive financial support as a caregiver. Discover how states like California, New York, Texas, and Massachusetts offer robust programs to support family caregivers, with payments ranging from $8 to $19 per hour, depending on the state and specific program.
Nancy provides detailed examples of some states with compensation programs, such as Texas's STAR+PLUS, Massachusetts's Adult Foster Care (AFC), Florida's SMMC-LTC, and Colorado's HCBS Waivers, including qualifications and payment details. We'll also cover eligibility criteria, disqualifying factors, and steps to get started with these programs.
If you're navigating the challenges of caring for an aging parent and wondering how to make ends meet, this episode offers valuable insights and practical advice. Tune in to learn how to provide the best care for your loved one while receiving the financial support you deserve.
To subscribe to the Eldercare Success podcast and future conversations with Nancy and other experts, go to EldercareSuccess.Live, or subscribe on your favorite podcast listening platform.
If you like this show, please also give Nancy and the show a 5-star rating on Apple Podcasts and other listening platforms. Your efforts to do so will help others and Nancy.
Finally, Share this episode with others who might benefit from understanding the options available for family caregivers. Let's continue the conversation and support each other on this caregiving journey.
Helpful Links:
- Podcast: Eldercare Success (please share with those you care about)
- Book: How to Survive 911 Medical Emergencies, Step-by-Step Before, During, and After
- Eldercare Success on YouTube
- Eldercare Success, link to ask Nancy a question: A small blue tab on the right side of the page says "Send a Voice Mail Message to Nancy." Click on that and follow the directions on the pop-up. Then, send me your comments and questions so I can answer them on the show.
Host: Nancy May has gone from the Boardroom to the Emergency Room to care for her aging parents and educate business owners, corporate employees, and leaders with more strength and confidence in doing well and doing good. Nancy is the five-star author of How
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nancy May (00:02):
Hello, everybody.
It's Nancy May and Doing itBest With Eldercare Success.
And I want to share that we're going tobe moving in a few months and I'm packing
and getting a lot of things in order.
The challenges I'm packing up literallythree households, our own from
Connecticut, this stuff that we'vecreated and collected here in Florida,
(00:23):
my parents, what's been left behind thathasn't been distributed to myself or
others, And the things that I purchasedfor our new home, like lighting fixtures
and storage containers and all thatstuff that you need to get for a house,
especially when you want to make it yours.
Oh, and don't forget my own office,podcast equipment, technical equipment
(00:44):
and everything else that's piled up.
It's a lot and I'm feelinga little overwhelmed here.
The good news is that we'llhave a lovely new home.
The bad news is, I'm apack rat, like my dad.
I guess the apple doesn't fall farfrom the tree, is a true statement.
At least in our household.
(01:04):
he hated to get rid of things thathe thought might be important.
in fact, to make sure everythingwas in order just before he
passed the way he wanted me to,I went through all his drawers.
Now, there weren't a lot of files that hehad, but, well, maybe there were a lot.
There were about three or four drawersof things that he had collected to
(01:24):
make sure that everything was inorder and tidy to make my life easier
as the POA and head of household.
Well, not quite head of householdbecause he was still with us.
In any case, materials hadjust sort of multiplied.
The one piece of paper with acouple of notes on it turned into
(01:45):
Duplicates, triplicates, quadruplets,whatever you want to call it.
And that was Dad.
He wanted to make sure thateverything was there and not lost.
Dad also hated to toss things.
I get that feeling, although sometimesit really feels good just to get
rid of stuff because if it's notthere, I probably won't need it.
(02:06):
but in my dad's fashion, hewould pack things up instead of
tossing them and mail them to me.
Out of sight, out of mind, hethought they were in good hands.
Well that was fine and well and good untilwe moved from Connecticut to Florida.
Wow.
Getting rid of that stuff?
Well, I have to tell you, I packedit and moved it back down to Florida.
(02:29):
Oof!
You might think I'm nuts, but nowI'm going through some of that stuff.
Some is being tossedand some is being saved.
In the later years, mymom wasn't much better.
One year, she insisted that we drive downto pick up things that were important.
There was too much to ship, andit was far too expensive to do so.
(02:50):
So, Bob and I packed up the dogsin a station wagon that we had
bought from his dad before he moved.
And off we went, all four of us, twodogs, Bob and me, and a station wagon.
An empty one at that.
Just to make sure we had enough room foreverything that they needed to get rid of.
after arriving, we learned the onlythings that mom and dad had for us
(03:12):
were two relatively small boxes of old,glass, antique, tintype photo plates,
and a few other tiny little things.
Well, I guess I should have knownsomething was off with mom then.
But she seemed prettynormal other than that.
And we had a boatload of fun together.
She also insisted on going throughall their things, labeling with
(03:33):
sticky notes what went to me, whatwent to my sister, and what other
things she'd want distributed lateron when she couldn't do so herself.
Going through those labels was tedious,exhausting, and sometimes just repetitive.
I also got kind of exacerbatedthinking, why are we doing this now?
But I'm glad she did.
(03:54):
With each label, we had alaugh, a story, and a share.
Things of grandmas, things ofgreat grandmas, things of her dads,
stories that came up that theyused to do when they were kids.
And my dad watched happily to makesure that everything was in order.
That was his job.
To make sure he managedand oversaw things.
(04:15):
And we had fun.
Related to all of this, here'sa little tip I want to share.
Before things get really wonky, have aserious discussion with your siblings
about what's important to them.
I mean, family belongings, notjust the love of mom and dad,
because that's going to stay.
However, belongings can get verypersonal and temperaments and anger
(04:40):
and sibling rivalry will breakout whether you want it or not.
Unfortunately,
knowing what's important to them.
And knowing sometimes when to justgive in and say it's not that important
to me are keys to really keepingthings better and tighter between
the two of you, even if you're notthat close after mom and dad pass.
(05:01):
as you're going over things withmom and dad, sticky notes and all,
take some time to discuss with them.
What might happen if there arehard feelings between you and
siblings, or if squabbles break out.
I did this with my mom and my dad,both letting them know exactly what I
thought might happen and how we can worktogether to resolve that before it does.
(05:25):
It did work out pretty well.
In the end, there wasn't reallyanything to worry about, but
just talking it out in a way.
What if, or scenario planning kindof style, helped me deal with the
situation before there even was one.
And luckily, there wasn't.
Mom,
(05:45):
wisdom, decided that she would makesure that my sister understood that
I was the one they put in charge.
And why?
Without me knowing, she had writtena note to my sister and put it in
a sealed envelope that said, Tobe opened by Cindy upon my demise.
Alright, I did find that before Mompassed and thought, Oh my God, I am SOL.
(06:10):
What the hell did Mom say?
I don't know whether she said anythingor wrote anything down before she got
a little wonky, or maybe afterwards.
I just held my breath when that time came.
thankfully she explained in a fullyconscious manner that she loved us both
and that she wanted to know that I,her older sister, would have her best
(06:34):
interest at heart, which is of coursetrue, and to please trust me with all
the things that they had asked me to do.
We had gone over these things for years,and as much as they might have been
difficult for me then, it was even moredifficult for me to make sure that I kept
my emotions intact after they had gone.
Following their wishes was the easy part.
(06:55):
Keeping my head and my heart in mychest was the hardest part of all.
One of the things that mom had askedme to do was to keep two watches.
One was a great grandmother'sand one was our grandmother's.
They were beautiful, antique,sort of Victorian kind of watches,
with little diamonds and awristband that was kind of broken.
(07:16):
My great grandmothers was to go to mysister, and grandmas was to go to me.
Both were not in great working order.
So, upon mom and dad's demise, I madesure both of them were beautifully
restored and well taken care of.
I even asked my sister to measureher wrist to make sure that great
grandma's watch as tiny and teenyand frail as it was, would fit
(07:39):
her wrist beautifully, and it did.
There were other things that mom anddad had designated to us, including
a list of a few things that changed.
With their minds and attitudes later on.
And that's okay.
They have the right to change theirminds at any time in their life.
Those things were taken care ofbased on their wishes as well.
(08:00):
It made cleaning out most of thehousehold just a little bit easier on me.
Because my sister was several states away.
Getting rid of Mom and Dad's thingsafter they're gone is going to be hard.
Although I have to admit,clothing was the easiest.
There are a few things thatI still have, like a shirt of
Mom's that I wear on occasion.
(08:21):
It's getting a little threadbarenow, but every time I put it on,
I look at myself in the mirrorand say, Ooh, I look like Mom.
You know what?
That's a good thing.
and there's even a bottlejacket of Dad's that I got him.
I still wear it when it gets cold inthe AC here, and I love that one too.
(08:41):
But some people actually makequilts out of the clothing
of relatives who had passed.
I think that's a little creepy.
But I digress.
Back to Pack Rat Dad.
Right now, I'm going through old papersthat I just didn't want to go through
at the time that they had passed.
And I thought, oh my dear,I'll just do this later.
And I kept putting it off and off and off.
(09:05):
There were a number of documentsin the list that Dad had
started and never finished.
I love still just reading throughhis notes and what he was saying,
just in case that time ever came.
Let me share one that I just came across.
It's dated from 2013.
And typed in Dad's style.
Which was one finger at a time.
(09:25):
His handwriting was never that great.
Even as a kid in camp,Dad would send off notes.
And I loved getting those.
But his handwriting was so rough orscrawly, that my entire cabin would
get together and we'd have a game tofigure out what was Dad really saying.
and always apologize at the end,saying, Rushing off, I hope you're
(09:46):
doing well, love you lots, and bythe way, I hope you can read this.
Well, not too well.
But our entire cabin made sure that weall figured out one word, one letter,
one page at a time, what my dad wassending me, and they all relished
in receiving those notes as well,
Because their parents didn'tsend as many notes as mine did.
(10:08):
Thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.
I love you for that andmany other things as well.
But let me show you what he had started.
This one is dated January 14, 2013.
Hi, Nance.
I know I promised you a resume ofmoms and my lifestyle since you're
the family delegate, quote unquote.
(10:29):
I don't know what theexact title is, he noted.
Just in case something happens to us.
I really don't know where to start.
However, he starts writing Audrey andStuart May, their address, their phone
number, their email address, it wasalways snail mail dad and email mom,
(10:51):
mom's age, dad's age, and date of births.
He also included social security numbers.
Then he notes, I'll get to mom's later.
We own our house completely,no mortgage, etc.
He went over the details of that.
Includes health.
Mom's in pretty good shape.
Mom has a cancerous growth on her tongue.
(11:13):
And has had breast cancer, whichwas removed on her right breast.
She does not exercise.
I keep after her on that.
He included her weight.
He included his weight and howthey maintain it and how they felt.
You know, I have to laugh becausedad was always after mom for not
exercising or standing up straight, butshe was always in pretty good shape.
(11:37):
He also noted that they weren'tcurrently active in any organization
at the time, although I know my dadwas pretty active in SCORE and the
Chamber, because I have his awardsfrom those days too, and he also
noted that they were planning travels.
He also explained they had been to 25 or30 countries and how much they loved that.
In addition, other information that Ishould know, where they were moving, where
(11:59):
the bank branch was, how much they hadin each account, and the list went on,
including the name of the attorney thathandled their wills, the accountant that
they dealt with, the financial advisor.
Who was a dirtball and I fired.
And that I think we've covered insome episodes in the past, but we'll
talk about that again later too.
(12:20):
And then finally he notes, I knowthis is very clumsy, but contains
important data for you and Cindy.
Sorry for the mess.
In dad fashion, he always saidit, even if it was typewritten.
Then he said, please make someextra copies for safekeeping.
Thank you, background dad.
He signs it.
(12:41):
Lots of love, Dad.
P.
S.
Mom hasn't seen this.
She'd shoot me.
I know this for the scribble.
Although it wasn't scribble.
It was typed.
I'm trying to figureout our income tax now.
What a mess.
No luck on the house yet becausethey were trying to sell it.
Say hi to Bob.
And that was Dad's note.
(13:02):
It was short, sweet, got to the detailsof what I needed to, and he actually
included the scribbled out notes asa backup after he had typed it, to
make sure that I had a copy of both.
If you hear these papersrustling, those are both the
scribbled copy and the typed copy.
(13:22):
Gotta love him, and I still do.
I love that my Dad did this.
It was a peace of mind for him, and itgave me some sense of reassurance that
I'd be able to handle things for him.
When he couldn't.
That said, I have to tell you, thereis nothing that will prepare you 100
percent for taking over this role ofbeing the durable power of attorney,
(13:46):
medical power of attorney, whateveryour responsibility is in making
sure that your parents last days andlast wishes are followed out to a T.
Well, as best you can.
There is always going to be somethingthat you don't do perfectly.
Please do not worry about that.
(14:07):
The only thing you need to worry aboutand be assured of is that you're doing
your best and staying strong for them,for you, and for the rest of your family.
My dad was a worrier in a silentkind of way, but always made sure
that we never knew he worried.
I kind of knew this towards the end.
(14:27):
This was his way of caring for Mom and therest of us, which I greatly appreciate.
In the end, one of the best giftsour parents can give us is a list
of where everything is, even ifthey don't know where everything is.
Just a hint would help, at the very least.
Ask them in a gentle way Evenin a storytelling kind of way.
(14:49):
How and where they want theirpossessions distributed.
Even if those things don'tgo to you, it's okay.
Understanding the stories and thereason why will give you peace of mind.
It will also give them peace of mind.
And, sometimes there are a fewthings that they just won't have
control over after they're gone.
(15:11):
That's okay.
They have put their trust in you, andI know, and they know, you will do the
best you can with what you have, sothat you can do well for yourself, too.
If you are having a tough time gettingyour folks to even start this process,
please Consider having a family historyconversation on your next visit with them.
(15:31):
Go through family treasures, askabout stories behind them, and
slowly ease into the conversation.
Gee mom, have you ever thought, whomight really want this when you're done?
And why?
Create stories of how you would usethem or not if you're not interested,
how your sister or your brother mightenjoy them, or even their grandkids.
(15:54):
It's the little things that count.
and more important, it's thememories that you hold dear in
your heart and in your head.
Sometimes those get a littletough, because they never seem
to slip out when you need them.
and what you don't want is thosememories to be tough and difficult,
where there's a sense of remorse.
kindness is what you're going to needthe most here during the conversation
(16:16):
with mom and dad and with yourself.
If suspicious feelings start creepingin with them, which could very
well be because you don't know whatkind of state of mind they're in.
Even if they're emotionally and physicallystrong, we all tend to overthink things.
Back off or just be quiet andlisten and let them have their rant.
(16:40):
At the very least, you'll have a senseof understanding about their feelings
and why they might be feeling that way.
Finally, when they're gone, clearingout those old things and seeing their
handwriting or even type written note,I can pretty much guarantee, will
sometimes hurt your heart but will alsomake you feel pretty good and maybe
(17:02):
smile again and just think, where wouldI be without dad typing that note, to
make sure I could read his handwriting.
Dad, if you're listening, thanks, I loveyou and I miss you dearly, but thank
you for helping me to get through thiswell before you even left this earth.
I know you did your bestand I did my best too.
(17:26):
That's it for another episode ofDoing it Best With Eldercare Success.
Before we go, would youdo me a couple of favors?
The first is, send me anote at EldercareSuccess.
live.
There's a blue tab on the right handside of the page at EldercareSuccess.
live
That says, Send Nancy a voicemail note,or you can even send me a written message.
(17:46):
Include your comments, Or athought an idea of a subject
that you'd like me to cover.
If you've got a comment,leave that one there too.
I'd love to air it on another show.
Also, please subscribeto EldercareSuccess.
live on any of your favoritelistening platforms.
and share this with friends orfamily members who just need a little
(18:06):
extra help, or maybe even a strangerstanding in line at Starbucks.
It can be your gift to them,because it's my gift to you.
And finally, if you have not gottenthe book, How to Survive 911 Medical
Emergencies, a step by step guidebefore, during and after, please go
right on over to Amazon and get one foryourself, a family member, Or somebody
(18:29):
that you know that's stressed out andis dealing with what do I do next?
dialing 9 1 1 is something you're goingto do a lot more than you ever realize.
but you can survive when that happens too.
With that, I hope you'll join me onfuture episodes of the Eldercare Success
or Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.
(18:49):
This is Nancy May, your host.
Be well, stay well, and keep caring.
Love to you all.
Bye bye.
Hello, everybody.
It's Nancy May and Doing itBest With Eldercare Success.
And I want to share that we're going tobe moving in a few months and I'm packing
and getting a lot of things in order.
The challenges I'm packing up literallythree households, our own from
Connecticut, this stuff that we'vecreated and collected here in Florida,
(00:23):
my parents, what's been left behind thathasn't been distributed to myself or
others, And the things that I purchasedfor our new home, like lighting fixtures
and storage containers and all thatstuff that you need to get for a house,
especially when you want to make it yours.
Oh, and don't forget my own office,podcast equipment, technical equipment
(00:44):
and everything else that's piled up.
It's a lot and I'm feelinga little overwhelmed here.
The good news is that we'llhave a lovely new home.
The bad news is, I'm apack rat, like my dad.
I guess the apple doesn't fall farfrom the tree, is a true statement.
At least in our household.
(01:04):
he hated to get rid of things thathe thought might be important.
in fact, to make sure everythingwas in order just before he
passed the way he wanted me to,I went through all his drawers.
Now, there weren't a lot of files that hehad, but, well, maybe there were a lot.
There were about three or four drawersof things that he had collected to
(01:24):
make sure that everything was inorder and tidy to make my life easier
as the POA and head of household.
Well, not quite head of householdbecause he was still with us.
In any case, materials hadjust sort of multiplied.
The one piece of paper with acouple of notes on it turned into
(01:45):
Duplicates, triplicates, quadruplets,whatever you want to call it.
And that was Dad.
He wanted to make sure thateverything was there and not lost.
Dad also hated to toss things.
I get that feeling, although sometimesit really feels good just to get
rid of stuff because if it's notthere, I probably won't need it.
(02:06):
but in my dad's fashion, hewould pack things up instead of
tossing them and mail them to me.
Out of sight, out of mind, hethought they were in good hands.
Well that was fine and well and good untilwe moved from Connecticut to Florida.
Wow.
Getting rid of that stuff?
Well, I have to tell you, I packedit and moved it back down to Florida.
(02:29):
Oof!
You might think I'm nuts, but nowI'm going through some of that stuff.
Some is being tossedand some is being saved.
In the later years, mymom wasn't much better.
One year, she insisted that we drive downto pick up things that were important.
There was too much to ship, andit was far too expensive to do so.
(02:50):
So, Bob and I packed up the dogsin a station wagon that we had
bought from his dad before he moved.
And off we went, all four of us, twodogs, Bob and me, and a station wagon.
An empty one at that.
Just to make sure we had enough room foreverything that they needed to get rid of.
after arriving, we learned the onlythings that mom and dad had for us
(03:12):
were two relatively small boxes of old,glass, antique, tintype photo plates,
and a few other tiny little things.
Well, I guess I should have knownsomething was off with mom then.
But she seemed prettynormal other than that.
And we had a boatload of fun together.
She also insisted on going throughall their things, labeling with
(03:33):
sticky notes what went to me, whatwent to my sister, and what other
things she'd want distributed lateron when she couldn't do so herself.
Going through those labels was tedious,exhausting, and sometimes just repetitive.
I also got kind of exacerbatedthinking, why are we doing this now?
But I'm glad she did.
(03:54):
With each label, we had alaugh, a story, and a share.
Things of grandmas, things ofgreat grandmas, things of her dads,
stories that came up that theyused to do when they were kids.
And my dad watched happily to makesure that everything was in order.
That was his job.
To make sure he managedand oversaw things.
(04:15):
And we had fun.
Related to all of this, here'sa little tip I want to share.
Before things get really wonky, have aserious discussion with your siblings
about what's important to them.
I mean, family belongings, notjust the love of mom and dad,
because that's going to stay.
However, belongings can get verypersonal and temperaments and anger
(04:40):
and sibling rivalry will breakout whether you want it or not.
Unfortunately,
knowing what's important to them.
And knowing sometimes when to justgive in and say it's not that important
to me are keys to really keepingthings better and tighter between
the two of you, even if you're notthat close after mom and dad pass.
(05:01):
as you're going over things withmom and dad, sticky notes and all,
take some time to discuss with them.
What might happen if there arehard feelings between you and
siblings, or if squabbles break out.
I did this with my mom and my dad,both letting them know exactly what I
thought might happen and how we can worktogether to resolve that before it does.
(05:25):
It did work out pretty well.
In the end, there wasn't reallyanything to worry about, but
just talking it out in a way.
What if, or scenario planning kindof style, helped me deal with the
situation before there even was one.
And luckily, there wasn't.
Mom,
(05:45):
wisdom, decided that she would makesure that my sister understood that
I was the one they put in charge.
And why?
Without me knowing, she had writtena note to my sister and put it in
a sealed envelope that said, Tobe opened by Cindy upon my demise.
Alright, I did find that before Mompassed and thought, Oh my God, I am SOL.
(06:10):
What the hell did Mom say?
I don't know whether she said anythingor wrote anything down before she got
a little wonky, or maybe afterwards.
I just held my breath when that time came.
thankfully she explained in a fullyconscious manner that she loved us both
and that she wanted to know that I,her older sister, would have her best
(06:34):
interest at heart, which is of coursetrue, and to please trust me with all
the things that they had asked me to do.
We had gone over these things for years,and as much as they might have been
difficult for me then, it was even moredifficult for me to make sure that I kept
my emotions intact after they had gone.
Following their wishes was the easy part.
(06:55):
Keeping my head and my heart in mychest was the hardest part of all.
One of the things that mom had askedme to do was to keep two watches.
One was a great grandmother'sand one was our grandmother's.
They were beautiful, antique,sort of Victorian kind of watches,
with little diamonds and awristband that was kind of broken.
(07:16):
My great grandmothers was to go to mysister, and grandmas was to go to me.
Both were not in great working order.
So, upon mom and dad's demise, I madesure both of them were beautifully
restored and well taken care of.
I even asked my sister to measureher wrist to make sure that great
grandma's watch as tiny and teenyand frail as it was, would fit
(07:39):
her wrist beautifully, and it did.
There were other things that mom anddad had designated to us, including
a list of a few things that changed.
With their minds and attitudes later on.
And that's okay.
They have the right to change theirminds at any time in their life.
Those things were taken care ofbased on their wishes as well.
(08:00):
It made cleaning out most of thehousehold just a little bit easier on me.
Because my sister was several states away.
Getting rid of Mom and Dad's thingsafter they're gone is going to be hard.
Although I have to admit,clothing was the easiest.
There are a few things thatI still have, like a shirt of
Mom's that I wear on occasion.
(08:21):
It's getting a little threadbarenow, but every time I put it on,
I look at myself in the mirrorand say, Ooh, I look like Mom.
You know what?
That's a good thing.
and there's even a bottlejacket of Dad's that I got him.
I still wear it when it gets cold inthe AC here, and I love that one too.
(08:41):
But some people actually makequilts out of the clothing
of relatives who had passed.
I think that's a little creepy.
But I digress.
Back to Pack Rat Dad.
Right now, I'm going through old papersthat I just didn't want to go through
at the time that they had passed.
And I thought, oh my dear,I'll just do this later.
And I kept putting it off and off and off.
(09:05):
There were a number of documentsin the list that Dad had
started and never finished.
I love still just reading throughhis notes and what he was saying,
just in case that time ever came.
Let me share one that I just came across.
It's dated from 2013.
And typed in Dad's style.
Which was one finger at a time.
(09:25):
His handwriting was never that great.
Even as a kid in camp,Dad would send off notes.
And I loved getting those.
But his handwriting was so rough orscrawly, that my entire cabin would
get together and we'd have a game tofigure out what was Dad really saying.
and always apologize at the end,saying, Rushing off, I hope you're
(09:46):
doing well, love you lots, and bythe way, I hope you can read this.
Well, not too well.
But our entire cabin made sure that weall figured out one word, one letter,
one page at a time, what my dad wassending me, and they all relished
in receiving those notes as well,
Because their parents didn'tsend as many notes as mine did.
(10:08):
Thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.
I love you for that andmany other things as well.
But let me show you what he had started.
This one is dated January 14, 2013.
Hi, Nance.
I know I promised you a resume ofmoms and my lifestyle since you're
the family delegate, quote unquote.
(10:29):
I don't know what theexact title is, he noted.
Just in case something happens to us.
I really don't know where to start.
However, he starts writing Audrey andStuart May, their address, their phone
number, their email address, it wasalways snail mail dad and email mom,
(10:51):
mom's age, dad's age, and date of births.
He also included social security numbers.
Then he notes, I'll get to mom's later.
We own our house completely,no mortgage, etc.
He went over the details of that.
Includes health.
Mom's in pretty good shape.
Mom has a cancerous growth on her tongue.
(11:13):
And has had breast cancer, whichwas removed on her right breast.
She does not exercise.
I keep after her on that.
He included her weight.
He included his weight and howthey maintain it and how they felt.
You know, I have to laugh becausedad was always after mom for not
exercising or standing up straight, butshe was always in pretty good shape.
(11:37):
He also noted that they weren'tcurrently active in any organization
at the time, although I know my dadwas pretty active in SCORE and the
Chamber, because I have his awardsfrom those days too, and he also
noted that they were planning travels.
He also explained they had been to 25 or30 countries and how much they loved that.
In addition, other information that Ishould know, where they were moving, where
(11:59):
the bank branch was, how much they hadin each account, and the list went on,
including the name of the attorney thathandled their wills, the accountant that
they dealt with, the financial advisor.
Who was a dirtball and I fired.
And that I think we've covered insome episodes in the past, but we'll
talk about that again later too.
(12:20):
And then finally he notes, I knowthis is very clumsy, but contains
important data for you and Cindy.
Sorry for the mess.
In dad fashion, he always saidit, even if it was typewritten.
Then he said, please make someextra copies for safekeeping.
Thank you, background dad.
He signs it.
(12:41):
Lots of love, Dad.
P.
S.
Mom hasn't seen this.
She'd shoot me.
I know this for the scribble.
Although it wasn't scribble.
It was typed.
I'm trying to figureout our income tax now.
What a mess.
No luck on the house yet becausethey were trying to sell it.
Say hi to Bob.
And that was Dad's note.
(13:02):
It was short, sweet, got to the detailsof what I needed to, and he actually
included the scribbled out notes asa backup after he had typed it, to
make sure that I had a copy of both.
If you hear these papersrustling, those are both the
scribbled copy and the typed copy.
(13:22):
Gotta love him, and I still do.
I love that my Dad did this.
It was a peace of mind for him, and itgave me some sense of reassurance that
I'd be able to handle things for him.
When he couldn't.
That said, I have to tell you, thereis nothing that will prepare you 100
percent for taking over this role ofbeing the durable power of attorney,
(13:46):
medical power of attorney, whateveryour responsibility is in making
sure that your parents last days andlast wishes are followed out to a T.
Well, as best you can.
There is always going to be somethingthat you don't do perfectly.
Please do not worry about that.
(14:07):
The only thing you need to worry aboutand be assured of is that you're doing
your best and staying strong for them,for you, and for the rest of your family.
My dad was a worrier in a silentkind of way, but always made sure
that we never knew he worried.
I kind of knew this towards the end.
(14:27):
This was his way of caring for Mom and therest of us, which I greatly appreciate.
In the end, one of the best giftsour parents can give us is a list
of where everything is, even ifthey don't know where everything is.
Just a hint would help, at the very least.
Ask them in a gentle way Evenin a storytelling kind of way.
(14:49):
How and where they want theirpossessions distributed.
Even if those things don'tgo to you, it's okay.
Understanding the stories and thereason why will give you peace of mind.
It will also give them peace of mind.
And, sometimes there are a fewthings that they just won't have
control over after they're gone.
(15:11):
That's okay.
They have put their trust in you, andI know, and they know, you will do the
best you can with what you have, sothat you can do well for yourself, too.
If you are having a tough time gettingyour folks to even start this process,
please Consider having a family historyconversation on your next visit with them.
(15:31):
Go through family treasures, askabout stories behind them, and
slowly ease into the conversation.
Gee mom, have you ever thought, whomight really want this when you're done?
And why?
Create stories of how you would usethem or not if you're not interested,
how your sister or your brother mightenjoy them, or even their grandkids.
(15:54):
It's the little things that count.
and more important, it's thememories that you hold dear in
your heart and in your head.
Sometimes those get a littletough, because they never seem
to slip out when you need them.
and what you don't want is thosememories to be tough and difficult,
where there's a sense of remorse.
kindness is what you're going to needthe most here during the conversation
(16:16):
with mom and dad and with yourself.
If suspicious feelings start creepingin with them, which could very
well be because you don't know whatkind of state of mind they're in.
Even if they're emotionally and physicallystrong, we all tend to overthink things.
Back off or just be quiet andlisten and let them have their rant.
(16:40):
At the very least, you'll have a senseof understanding about their feelings
and why they might be feeling that way.
Finally, when they're gone, clearingout those old things and seeing their
handwriting or even type written note,I can pretty much guarantee, will
sometimes hurt your heart but will alsomake you feel pretty good and maybe
(17:02):
smile again and just think, where wouldI be without dad typing that note, to
make sure I could read his handwriting.
Dad, if you're listening, thanks, I loveyou and I miss you dearly, but thank
you for helping me to get through thiswell before you even left this earth.
I know you did your bestand I did my best too.
(17:26):
That's it for another episode ofDoing it Best With Eldercare Success.
Before we go, would youdo me a couple of favors?
The first is, send me anote at EldercareSuccess.
live.
There's a blue tab on the right handside of the page at EldercareSuccess.
live
That says, Send Nancy a voicemail note,or you can even send me a written message.
(17:46):
Include your comments, Or athought an idea of a subject
that you'd like me to cover.
If you've got a comment,leave that one there too.
I'd love to air it on another show.
Also, please subscribeto EldercareSuccess.
live on any of your favoritelistening platforms.
and share this with friends orfamily members who just need a little
(18:06):
extra help, or maybe even a strangerstanding in line at Starbucks.
It can be your gift to them,because it's my gift to you.
And finally, if you have not gottenthe book, How to Survive 911 Medical
Emergencies, a step by step guidebefore, during and after, please go
right on over to Amazon and get one foryourself, a family member, Or somebody
(18:29):
that you know that's stressed out andis dealing with what do I do next?
dialing 9 1 1 is something you're goingto do a lot more than you ever realize.
but you can survive when that happens too.
With that, I hope you'll join me onfuture episodes of the Eldercare Success
or Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.
(18:49):
This is Nancy May, your host.
Be well, stay well, and keep caring.
Love to you all.
Bye bye.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com