December 9, 2025 • 31 mins
As part of our 10th Anniversary reflections, we’re revisiting a powerful and deeply human conversation with Joyce Stankiewicz, formerly of New Hamburg and now a resident of The Village at University Gates in Waterloo.
Hosts Doug Robinson and Erin Davis welcomed Joyce to the Green Bench to share her experience caring for her husband Bill through dementia, her insights on compassion, and the meaningful buddy system that helps new residents feel at home at University Gates.
With wisdom shaped over 70 years of marriage, Joyce speaks candidly about the difficult moments — including the conversation about giving up driving — and the importance of forgiveness, humour, and memories that sustain connection through change.
She also helps listeners understand Nonfluent Variant Primary Progressive Aphasia (nfvPPA), the form of dementia her husband lived with, and gives heartfelt advice to anyone caring for a loved one.
“If you have a problem and cannot find out how to solve it, then get someone to help you solve it.” – Joyce Stankiewicz
“The buddy system connects someone who knows the Village with someone who is just moving in.” – Joyce Stankiewicz
“A comfort to be able to talk about it and to know others share your pain.” – Joyce Stankiewicz
Joyce reminds us that wisdom often comes from empathy, shared experience, and community — values at the core of #ElderWisdom.
🎧 Listen back to Joyce’s moving episode and let her words bring comfort, perspective, and hope.
Learn more at elderwisdom.ca
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
So there was never a barrier. We were all like one people.
Just be yourself. Don't say well is this
appropriate for my age? Do it.
(00:22):
We all have our hopes, we all have goals, but if my hope
includes your goal with my goal,if we can find some camaraderie,
then let's do that and work together.
(00:43):
Welcome to elder wisdom stories from the green bench.
I'm Aaron Davis and along with my Co host Doug Robinson who
resides in the village at Sandalwood Park in Brampton.
We're just so grateful to be connecting with you here today
because we are focusing on connection, family and.
Service what? Schlegel Villages.
Retirement and long term care residences are all about.
(01:06):
Our guest today, Joyce. Stankiewicz, formerly of New
Hamburg, now lives in Waterloo, at the village of University
Gate. And we are so.
Pleased to have. Her with us In addition to her
own achievements in communications and as a mom of
four sons and grandmother and great grandmother, Joyce has a
unique but very much needed set of skills and has shared them
(01:28):
since moving into the village inOctober of 2021.
Her husband of seven decades, Bill, a man of.
Letters a teacher and. Department head with a master's
degree who once had what we can only call a beautiful mind is
living with a disease that many are just now becoming familiar
with thanks to the recent disclosure of a Hollywood star's
(01:49):
family that he has it. So join us as Doug and I.
Welcome to The Green Bench, Joyce Stankiewicz as we get set
to have a chat about the buddy system, caring for a loved one
with dementia, and the importance of forgiveness,
humor, and memories. Well, Doug, how are?
You on this fine day today. I couldn't be better, Aaron, I
(02:12):
got a smile on my face. For the whole human race.
Like it's almost like being in love.
Ohh please don't ask me to see 'cause I'm toned.
Do you dance at least? Oh my goodness.
Well, it's lovely to have you with us today.
And oh, we know from dance partners.
Our guest today, as I mentioned in our introduction, has been
(02:35):
married for 70 years. And of course, when you have a
70 year marriage, you. Have to start by.
Asking how it all began. Do you want to hear the little
love story? Oh heck.
Yeah, are you kidding? OK well I was a little Mennonite
girl that went to Rockaway and then quit high school before I
(02:58):
graduated because at Rockway if you didn't get 70% in everything
you failed the year and I had over 70 in everything but math.
I couldn't understand math and so I quit in grade 11 and got a
job at a flower shop. And the first day that I started
(03:20):
my job in walked a delivery boy after school from KCI and the
lady that was teaching me about the flower shop introduced us.
And the first words Bill said tome were let's get a little
closer here. So after that he drove me home
(03:42):
that night because he had to deliver flowers to Freeport
Hospital. At that time it was Freeport
Sand and I lived on a farm on what is now Riverbank Drive near
the airport. And we didn't date right away,
but we did start dating. Actually, the first day we met
was a 70 years ago on March 28th.
(04:04):
And so that's always been a special anniversary for us.
But we dated that summer off andon.
And my mother being a fundamental Christian told me
that she didn't approve a bill because he was Catholic.
So we were getting serious by fall and his mother had cancer
(04:26):
and she actually died December 16th that year.
And I said to mom, if I wait till I'm 18, will you consent?
And she said I don't care if youwait till you're 21, I will
never consent. So with Bill's mom dying and he
was such a caring boy, we knew that we wanted to get married
(04:49):
eventually. So we decided we would get
married sooner rather than later.
So we married December 26th in 1951.
That's incredible. Wow, I've never been sorry.
Wow, did your mother ever come around?
Yes, years later we used to takeher to Florida after dad died
(05:09):
and and pick her up. We'd take turns flying down and
driving her home. And one time on the way home in
the hotel, she said to me, will you ever forgive me for the way
I treated you? And I said, Mom, if I didn't
forgive you, we wouldn't be sitting here today.
(05:31):
And from that, from then on, it was fine.
How sweet. Yeah, well, she couldn't help
but love Bill because he was such a loving son-in-law.
And Dad had died 20 years beforeMother.
She actually died at Parkwood Mennonite Home and she was in
(05:51):
her 99th year. Oh my.
And she still had all her faculties except her hearing.
She said I could, I'll I hear what I want to hear.
And I said, Mother, how do you know if you don't hear it?
I think it sounds like all our spouses in a lot of ways.
(06:12):
Joyce, you received an apology from your mother when you were
young and married Bill. She refused to bless the
marriage. What did it mean to you and what
did you learn from that experience?
Actually, it, it was a process, but it culminated in that
discussion because we both had agood cry and a good hug.
(06:32):
And from then on, I, I never doubted that she really did love
me and and blessed our marriage.It was really always over
religion. It wasn't over anything else
because Bill was a wonderful son-in-law.
That's lovely. And my dad and I were buddies,
by the way, when I was wanting to marry Bill, he and I took a
(06:54):
long walk to the river and talked about it.
And he said, I will consent, he said, but don't ever come back
to me and tell me it didn't work.
And I said, I said dad, I don't think I ever will.
And I never did well. Let's talk.
Joyce about how that journey went forward from the girl
(07:15):
working in the flower shop on her first day to the I would
imagine rosy cheeked flower delivery boy and your 70 year
marriage so. Where did you go?
From there. Well, my parents had a chicken
farm and after years of having the chicken farm, which we lived
(07:35):
in the front of the farm of the,of the chicken house actually,
and that dad made it into apartments and we actually lived
across the hall from my mother and she wouldn't even come and
see my apartment. That's how upset she was.
But thank goodness my dad did and he helped me set it up.
(07:55):
So we lived there first and Billwas very entrepreneurial and my
dad was a plumber and electrician as well as being a
chicken farmer. And so he and and Bill built mom
and dad a new home on the farm. And then we built at at the
other end of the farm. My sister later built at the top
(08:19):
end of the farm. She's still living there, but we
built and lived there for 49 years and raised four boys.
Wow. And education played a huge role
in your lives together, you and Bill.
So tell us about that in your halls of education, Yes.
Bill actually graduated from KCIthe the year that we went
(08:42):
together and the Walter Ziegler,who was the principal at KCI at
the time, saw the potential in Bill because he was graduating
with a technical degree and he there was a driver training
program there that had started ayear earlier and wasn't
successful. And Bill actually said to
(09:03):
Walter, if I turn it around in ayear, will you let me teach the
driver training program? And he gave him permission.
Bill went to the Ontario Safety League in Toronto and got his
certification and he taught thatdriver training program and it
became the model across Canada. Art Sandrock, who owned the
(09:26):
Funeral Home, was a great proponent of the program and or
Automobiles donated a car and Bill taught over the years with
the KCI program and then when hewas just 21, started Bill's
driving school as well and it became Town and Country Driver
(09:48):
Training School and he taught thousands of people.
Joyce, can I share a driving school experience that I had?
Certainly when I came to Canada I wanted to buy a car but I
thought well I'll just take a few lessons, make sure I'm good
and I booked my lessons. The driver instructor came and
(10:14):
we got on the road and he said to me why are you wasting your
money, you know how to drive. So I said well I'd just like a
few days to get used to the roads and we went out.
He even took me on the 401 straight away.
So anyway, I booked my driving lesson.
(10:35):
I came out of the driving schooland he said turn left.
I turned left and I drove on theEnglish side of the road and
found my tent. I guess you would.
Yeah, turn left and I turned left on the left hand side of
the. Road.
So it was money well spent then,wasn't it, Doug?
(10:57):
Well spent. Yeah, no kidding.
Well, as I talk with you both, Iam reminded of of our own family
trauma in asking my dad to give up his car keys a few years ago.
And Joyce, that was particularlyhard for you to do with Bill to
give up his car keys and of course the reason for that as
(11:18):
well. So.
Let's. Veer into that lane, if we may,
and tell us about your husband and your life with him now.
And I should mention too, as we talked about education, that you
have a communication studies degree.
Bill has his master's. Let's go back to taking away the
car keys and what necessitated that.
Could we talk about that? Please.
(11:38):
Well, that that was the low point, I think, of the dementia
journey because we knew 4 four years ago was when I realized
that something was happening to Bill mentally and with our
family doctor in New Hamburg whotook me seriously and booked an
(12:01):
appointment at Saint Mary's Hospital to have the test done.
And they were very thorough. The specialist there had an MRI
done a head scan and booked Billwith Doctor Elizabeth Finger in
London, who is a guru in this area.
(12:22):
And so we went to London, spent a day with her doing tests in
various departments. And she's the one that told
Bill, I'm going to have to have a test for your driving because
he, she said, I think that maybeyou shouldn't be driving
anymore. And when he did have the test
(12:44):
here locally in Kitchener, through Doctor Didik, who then
became his specialist locally, he had the written test and the
driving test that they do for seniors.
And he failed both. And that was, I think, the
lowest point up to that point. He came home and cried.
(13:07):
And that's so sad. Yeah.
He never drove after that. Of course, he became my
instructor when I drove for a while.
Yes, it was you're going too fast or go or watch this and so
on. Now he doesn't say anything.
Thank goodness. Did he put his side on your knee
while he was driving? Nope, that was a no no.
(13:29):
Good. So now let's talk about where
you are now physically, of course, you are there in the
village at University Gate and making improvements and
supporting your husband. You've been very vocal about
(13:50):
Bill's dementia, and you wrote acouple of articles which were
really poignant and informative.But what you're talking about is
something that has, in the last few months, come into the public
consciousness, and that is aphasia.
And when the actor Bruce Willis,his family came out and said
Bruce is stepping away from films, and then we Start
(14:12):
learning that he had been, you know, showing signs of this on
sets for the last few years. Aphasia, aphasia, aphasia.
And people are looking it up, and The New York Times is
writing about it. You've known about aphasia.
So tell us what aphasia is in your family and what it has done
and is doing. Would you please, Joyce?
All right, well what he was diagnosed with is primary
(14:36):
progressive aphasia, non fluent.It's if you Google that it'll
tell you exactly the type of aphasia he has.
Your ability to speak deteriorates your thinking
sequence and eventually more motor skills.
Right now he's not too bad, except he cannot say more than 3
(14:59):
words at this point and his sequencing is really getting
worse. He can't dress or undress
himself anymore, He can't go to the bathroom at night without my
help, and he I only get two or three hours sleep at a time
because every about every three hours he gets up.
(15:20):
He's been wearing AC pap becausehe has sleep apnea, which he was
diagnosed actually in about 1998and so he's had AC pap ever
since. So now he can take it off
sometimes but he can't put it back on.
And if he doesn't put it back on, he snores.
(15:40):
So I am alerted usually and if if not when he comes back to bed
and snores, I get up and put theC pap back on him.
But lately, lately he can't evenshower or shave himself.
He has trouble even sequencing and eating and drinking.
And he does have some stubborn incidences and I know he doesn't
(16:04):
know he's doing it, but he'll just stand rigid and say no or
else he'll go to put his coat onand think he's leaving because
he's going somewhere. And sometimes when he gets
upset, I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I end up when I
can't hardly dissuade them, I end up crying.
(16:24):
But that hasn't happened too often.
Joyce, can I share a little bit about my wife?
She has dementia too. Oh, does she?
She's had it, yes. She's had it for the last five
years. And we used to play Scrabble in
the winter time in the mornings and in the afternoons.
And then all of a sudden, she lost the wheel to play.
(16:48):
She couldn't spell anymore. And then she started throwing
valuable things away into the garbage.
And it was very hard at first tounderstand what was going wrong.
And like you, I took her to the hospital and we had tests done.
And now she's in another nursinghome and I haven't seen her for
(17:10):
over 2 years now. Oh my gosh.
And it's so sad. And I, my heart goes out to you,
Joyce. It really does.
Or I know what you're going through.
And thank you for letting me tell you that story.
Yeah. No, I, I empathise with you
because it isn't easy, but I think we're in the right place
(17:30):
at the right time. Oh yeah, definitely.
Because friends of ours were going to move here and brought
us here last fall and they were going to move here.
And I hadn't even heard of University Gates.
And yet I've lived in Waterloo Region all my life.
And so I was the one that got excited about it and I came in
(17:54):
and made an appointment with Sahar, which I think is just a
wonderful advocate for university Gates.
And she explained everything to me.
We had a big home in Stonecroft in New Hamburg, over 3000 square
feet. But it became a real burden
because Bill couldn't do anything anymore.
(18:16):
And the, the last year when he was raking leaves from a
Magnolia tree, instead of rakingthe leaves on the ground, he was
pulling individual leaves off the tree.
And I, I said, Bill, you're supposed to rake on the ground.
And he said at that time, I do this every year.
(18:37):
Well, of course, he never did. But after that, I I couldn't
have him do anything inside or out because he wouldn't he.
His sequential thinking is compromised and a couple times
he wandered from Stonecroft, which is on the left side of the
highway. He went across the busy highway
to visit a friend 3 miles away. Oh my goodness.
(19:00):
And twice ended up there and andI was looking for him with my
car and everything. So if he had been hit, he
wouldn't have had any identification or anything.
And that's when I thought we can't live in a house anymore.
Yeah. But tell us about the transition
then, because Doug points out heand his wife are in separate
(19:21):
facilities. You have made the very conscious
decision to be with your bill and as you've explained, the
challenges grow. Day by day.
But Joyce, the whole decision todo this and you said it was
really quite quick. Tell us about.
Well, it was. I've always been one.
The thing that I mind the most is procrastination.
(19:43):
I say it's the thief of time andthe robber of self respect.
And I've always been one that was proactive and when I made a
decision I followed through. So when I did have my initial
meeting, I knew this was probably the best place for us
to be because it's a transitional place and Sahar had
(20:05):
told me it could be up to a yearbefore we could get in.
So I have a niece that's a a realtor and it does high end
homes and I had her put the homeon the market and when the first
people came through she didn't even have to market it and they
bought my home and Sahar called and said I could move in in a
(20:26):
month. So my we moved here on the 23rd
of October and my house sold on November 6th.
Wow, so I I call that providential.
Meant to be. It was meant to be.
And I look at it as living in a resort because you have your own
suite and you could go to a wonderful dining room for lunch
(20:52):
and dinner and there's social life and lots of people that
meet. And that's when I decided I
could help other people because a lot of people here don't have
either the mental or the physical capacity to, to do
things that need to be done, especially if they're widowed.
(21:13):
And we sit at at the table with two widows, one that we've known
for over 60 years because we used to chum when our kids were
little. And I've helped both of them now
make appointments for their hearing because the one I repeat
everything twice and and she does have hearing aids, but I
(21:34):
don't think they're adequate. So I go with them to the hearing
appointments. I not only make them because I'm
very computer savvy, but I go with them and then I hear what
they need. So I try and connect people and
I've done that even before I moved here is try to connect
people with the helps they need or to stimulate them.
(21:59):
I've, I have a, a euchre group and a bridge group that I play
during the day because I can only do that when bills not
here. He goes three days a week to a
day program in New Hamburg actually.
And is he and another fellow from here that did live with us
in Stonecroft. The two men go but with a
(22:21):
Kiwanis bus and they're bussed three days a week to a day
program run by Community Care Concepts.
And it's wonderful for them and for you.
Yes, these get that gives me 3 days to do my thing both here
and shopping or visiting friends.
I still go back and play cards with and have lunch with friends
(22:42):
in New Hamburg. Joyce often some people complain
but do nothing to fix what upsets them.
Not you. You do something about it.
No. How would you encourage someone
to follow your example and to get up and do something?
Well, there are people that say what's happening and and there
(23:05):
are people that make it happen. And I feel that if you have a
problem, if you can't find out how to solve it, then get
somebody that can help you solveit.
Good advice. And I guess that is why I was
(23:26):
asked early on when I moved hereto be on the resident council,
the Council of Neighborhood Representatives.
OK, so that's a forum for residents to bring issues
forward and help University Gatestaff solve problems.
And so knowing that when I movedhere, I felt there weren't
(23:50):
enough supports initially to guide me as to where to do what
and who to talk to. So that's when I thought of the
buddy system, Yes. Tell us about that.
Well, it's to connect a person who lives here and knows the the
routine with somebody who's justmoved in.
(24:11):
I've done it informally up to this point because if I see
somebody struggling, there was one woman that didn't seem even
to know how to use the elevator.And there's one lady that comes
out of her room on our floor with a Walker and she'll say, is
it time for lunch yet? And she's usually about an hour
(24:32):
early. So I say, no, no, you go back
and it's 1:15. And then she'll say, OK, and
away she goes. So it's, it's helping people
that if they need to go to the nurse's station, this is who
they talk to. And you know, different things
like that, that they aren't clued into.
And I find that that was actually even things in the
(24:55):
apartment that in our suite eventhat some of the plugs, if you
plug them in the top plug, they work with a light switch.
If you plug them in the bottom switch, they don't.
Right. Joyce, you had a book published
with your mother's sayings in them.
Can you share some of the signs?I actually published 2 books
(25:16):
about mother. One was called My Journey by Ada
Sauter. She dictated and I typed and she
was amazed that I could type andI could move paragraphs around
because she could not believe that that could happen.
But I, I I published a book for the family.
(25:37):
We made 40 copies with pictures and the story of her life
because she was born on the prairies in 1914 and her mother
died of the Spanish flu in 1918 when she was four.
And she then grew up with a stepmother that was very cruel.
(26:00):
And they, she found out later that the stepmother had a brain
problem and that she that's why she was so cruel.
She would locked the children ina a cupboard and she would say
she was going to the river to drown herself and so on.
And mom's father was away all week because he built schools
(26:22):
and so he wouldn't even be there.
But there was quite a a family and they ended up having two
sons that were mothers, step brothers.
And mother had to babysit, of course, because she was one of
the younger ones. And so she came down east to
meet her brother down here in Kitchener when she was 17.
(26:43):
And she met my father and married him about five months
later. So she couldn't talk to me about
the age. I was thinking not one for long
engagements in your family. So with mom, it was never age,
it was only religion. Oh my goodness, the things that
get in the way. But the the book that I wrote on
(27:05):
mother's life with with her dictating was it's a real
treasure. We made one for everyone of the
family and the grandchildren. And then I did 1 called famous
quotes and quips from Mother Solder and others.
And so they're even nursery rhymes that she taught us as
kids. And she was full of sayings.
(27:27):
You get more flies with honey than vinegar.
Do you know I say that all the time?
It's so true. Yeah, that's one of my famous
sayings. And some more of your mom's.
What more of her wit and wisdom can you share with us?
Well, she used to say if you don't like the outlook, try the
uplook. Oh, that's good.
OK, what else? I don't know what my future
(27:49):
holds, but I know who holds my future, that is.
And pride goeth before a fall. Mother used to say that all the
time to us because we'd come home and have an exam that we
got 98 and she'd say pride goethbefore a fall.
And I used to think, Oh my gosh,mother, can't you be happy that
I did this? But no, it was always the not to
(28:11):
be too puffed up, she used to say.
Well. We're not wishing to puff you
up, but it's just incredible theway that you are a natural
connector and communicator and you are so set on making where
you are a better place, not onlyfor yourself and your husband
Bill, but for everyone around you with the buddy system.
And I wonder if we could end on this note, what advice you'd
(28:35):
offer to somebody who loves and cares for someone living with
dementia, as you and Doug both have that experience?
Well, we do have a weekly meeting here with our spiritual
advisor where residents can talkabout their journey with their
spouses. And it's, it's such a, a
(28:57):
comfort, I think, to be able to talk about it and then to know
that others share your pain. Yes, joy shared is multiplied,
pain shared is divided. Exactly.
And you put the joy in Joyce. And we are just so grateful to
you for visiting with us here today.
Also, our thanks to Laura Petersfor helping to make this
(29:19):
possible and for sharing your story.
You have such a beautiful voice.A way to put this forward.
And if I may ask, and I'm curious as heck and I know our
listeners must be if you're married 70 years, can I?
Guess that you're. In your mid 80s. 87.
Amazing. Bill just turned 90 and I'm 87
(29:40):
and we have 4 boys, 9 grandchildren and 13 great
grandchildren. Oh, how blessed.
And they live everywhere from Madrid to Ottawa to Peterborough
to kW. Wow.
Well, thank you for everyone youhave reached today.
We are so grateful for this conversation with you, Joyce.
(30:00):
It was a pleasure. Bye bye, Joyce, bye bye.
Thanks too. To Brendan Cater for being a
Doug's side and of course to youfor sharing this time with.
US and Joyce Dankiewicz. Here on the green bench, don't
miss any of our chats. Just go to elderwisdom.ca and
you'll be directed to where you can make sure you're notified
(30:22):
whenever we have a new conversation.
Of course, we welcome your feedback.
You can post on Twitter. And Facebook using the.
Hashtag elder wisdom. Follow us there.
Too, if you'd like. Doug and I are.
I'm so looking forward to our next chat with former
Newfoundlander. Can you ever really be a former
Newfoundlander? June Campbell, as we continue
(30:43):
our theme of health caregiving and support, on behalf of Doug
Robinson, I'm Aaron Davis. We thank you for sharing in
these life stories and we'll talk to you again soon because
your seat on the green bench is ready and waiting.
Elder Wisdom Stories from the Green Bench is brought to you by
(31:08):
Schlegel Villages. A complete continuum of care
offering independent living to long term care.
Celebrating and honoring the wisdom of the elder.
To learn more about us, please go to our website
schlegelvillages.com.
So there was never a barrier. We were all like one people.
Just be yourself. Don't say well is this
appropriate for my age? Do it.
(00:22):
We all have our hopes, we all have goals, but if my hope
includes your goal with my goal,if we can find some camaraderie,
then let's do that and work together.
(00:43):
Welcome to elder wisdom stories from the green bench.
I'm Aaron Davis and along with my Co host Doug Robinson who
resides in the village at Sandalwood Park in Brampton.
We're just so grateful to be connecting with you here today
because we are focusing on connection, family and.
Service what? Schlegel Villages.
Retirement and long term care residences are all about.
(01:06):
Our guest today, Joyce. Stankiewicz, formerly of New
Hamburg, now lives in Waterloo, at the village of University
Gate. And we are so.
Pleased to have. Her with us In addition to her
own achievements in communications and as a mom of
four sons and grandmother and great grandmother, Joyce has a
unique but very much needed set of skills and has shared them
(01:28):
since moving into the village inOctober of 2021.
Her husband of seven decades, Bill, a man of.
Letters a teacher and. Department head with a master's
degree who once had what we can only call a beautiful mind is
living with a disease that many are just now becoming familiar
with thanks to the recent disclosure of a Hollywood star's
(01:49):
family that he has it. So join us as Doug and I.
Welcome to The Green Bench, Joyce Stankiewicz as we get set
to have a chat about the buddy system, caring for a loved one
with dementia, and the importance of forgiveness,
humor, and memories. Well, Doug, how are?
You on this fine day today. I couldn't be better, Aaron, I
(02:12):
got a smile on my face. For the whole human race.
Like it's almost like being in love.
Ohh please don't ask me to see 'cause I'm toned.
Do you dance at least? Oh my goodness.
Well, it's lovely to have you with us today.
And oh, we know from dance partners.
Our guest today, as I mentioned in our introduction, has been
(02:35):
married for 70 years. And of course, when you have a
70 year marriage, you. Have to start by.
Asking how it all began. Do you want to hear the little
love story? Oh heck.
Yeah, are you kidding? OK well I was a little Mennonite
girl that went to Rockaway and then quit high school before I
(02:58):
graduated because at Rockway if you didn't get 70% in everything
you failed the year and I had over 70 in everything but math.
I couldn't understand math and so I quit in grade 11 and got a
job at a flower shop. And the first day that I started
(03:20):
my job in walked a delivery boy after school from KCI and the
lady that was teaching me about the flower shop introduced us.
And the first words Bill said tome were let's get a little
closer here. So after that he drove me home
(03:42):
that night because he had to deliver flowers to Freeport
Hospital. At that time it was Freeport
Sand and I lived on a farm on what is now Riverbank Drive near
the airport. And we didn't date right away,
but we did start dating. Actually, the first day we met
was a 70 years ago on March 28th.
(04:04):
And so that's always been a special anniversary for us.
But we dated that summer off andon.
And my mother being a fundamental Christian told me
that she didn't approve a bill because he was Catholic.
So we were getting serious by fall and his mother had cancer
(04:26):
and she actually died December 16th that year.
And I said to mom, if I wait till I'm 18, will you consent?
And she said I don't care if youwait till you're 21, I will
never consent. So with Bill's mom dying and he
was such a caring boy, we knew that we wanted to get married
(04:49):
eventually. So we decided we would get
married sooner rather than later.
So we married December 26th in 1951.
That's incredible. Wow, I've never been sorry.
Wow, did your mother ever come around?
Yes, years later we used to takeher to Florida after dad died
(05:09):
and and pick her up. We'd take turns flying down and
driving her home. And one time on the way home in
the hotel, she said to me, will you ever forgive me for the way
I treated you? And I said, Mom, if I didn't
forgive you, we wouldn't be sitting here today.
(05:31):
And from that, from then on, it was fine.
How sweet. Yeah, well, she couldn't help
but love Bill because he was such a loving son-in-law.
And Dad had died 20 years beforeMother.
She actually died at Parkwood Mennonite Home and she was in
(05:51):
her 99th year. Oh my.
And she still had all her faculties except her hearing.
She said I could, I'll I hear what I want to hear.
And I said, Mother, how do you know if you don't hear it?
I think it sounds like all our spouses in a lot of ways.
(06:12):
Joyce, you received an apology from your mother when you were
young and married Bill. She refused to bless the
marriage. What did it mean to you and what
did you learn from that experience?
Actually, it, it was a process, but it culminated in that
discussion because we both had agood cry and a good hug.
(06:32):
And from then on, I, I never doubted that she really did love
me and and blessed our marriage.It was really always over
religion. It wasn't over anything else
because Bill was a wonderful son-in-law.
That's lovely. And my dad and I were buddies,
by the way, when I was wanting to marry Bill, he and I took a
(06:54):
long walk to the river and talked about it.
And he said, I will consent, he said, but don't ever come back
to me and tell me it didn't work.
And I said, I said dad, I don't think I ever will.
And I never did well. Let's talk.
Joyce about how that journey went forward from the girl
(07:15):
working in the flower shop on her first day to the I would
imagine rosy cheeked flower delivery boy and your 70 year
marriage so. Where did you go?
From there. Well, my parents had a chicken
farm and after years of having the chicken farm, which we lived
(07:35):
in the front of the farm of the,of the chicken house actually,
and that dad made it into apartments and we actually lived
across the hall from my mother and she wouldn't even come and
see my apartment. That's how upset she was.
But thank goodness my dad did and he helped me set it up.
(07:55):
So we lived there first and Billwas very entrepreneurial and my
dad was a plumber and electrician as well as being a
chicken farmer. And so he and and Bill built mom
and dad a new home on the farm. And then we built at at the
other end of the farm. My sister later built at the top
(08:19):
end of the farm. She's still living there, but we
built and lived there for 49 years and raised four boys.
Wow. And education played a huge role
in your lives together, you and Bill.
So tell us about that in your halls of education, Yes.
Bill actually graduated from KCIthe the year that we went
(08:42):
together and the Walter Ziegler,who was the principal at KCI at
the time, saw the potential in Bill because he was graduating
with a technical degree and he there was a driver training
program there that had started ayear earlier and wasn't
successful. And Bill actually said to
(09:03):
Walter, if I turn it around in ayear, will you let me teach the
driver training program? And he gave him permission.
Bill went to the Ontario Safety League in Toronto and got his
certification and he taught thatdriver training program and it
became the model across Canada. Art Sandrock, who owned the
(09:26):
Funeral Home, was a great proponent of the program and or
Automobiles donated a car and Bill taught over the years with
the KCI program and then when hewas just 21, started Bill's
driving school as well and it became Town and Country Driver
(09:48):
Training School and he taught thousands of people.
Joyce, can I share a driving school experience that I had?
Certainly when I came to Canada I wanted to buy a car but I
thought well I'll just take a few lessons, make sure I'm good
and I booked my lessons. The driver instructor came and
(10:14):
we got on the road and he said to me why are you wasting your
money, you know how to drive. So I said well I'd just like a
few days to get used to the roads and we went out.
He even took me on the 401 straight away.
So anyway, I booked my driving lesson.
(10:35):
I came out of the driving schooland he said turn left.
I turned left and I drove on theEnglish side of the road and
found my tent. I guess you would.
Yeah, turn left and I turned left on the left hand side of
the. Road.
So it was money well spent then,wasn't it, Doug?
(10:57):
Well spent. Yeah, no kidding.
Well, as I talk with you both, Iam reminded of of our own family
trauma in asking my dad to give up his car keys a few years ago.
And Joyce, that was particularlyhard for you to do with Bill to
give up his car keys and of course the reason for that as
(11:18):
well. So.
Let's. Veer into that lane, if we may,
and tell us about your husband and your life with him now.
And I should mention too, as we talked about education, that you
have a communication studies degree.
Bill has his master's. Let's go back to taking away the
car keys and what necessitated that.
Could we talk about that? Please.
(11:38):
Well, that that was the low point, I think, of the dementia
journey because we knew 4 four years ago was when I realized
that something was happening to Bill mentally and with our
family doctor in New Hamburg whotook me seriously and booked an
(12:01):
appointment at Saint Mary's Hospital to have the test done.
And they were very thorough. The specialist there had an MRI
done a head scan and booked Billwith Doctor Elizabeth Finger in
London, who is a guru in this area.
(12:22):
And so we went to London, spent a day with her doing tests in
various departments. And she's the one that told
Bill, I'm going to have to have a test for your driving because
he, she said, I think that maybeyou shouldn't be driving
anymore. And when he did have the test
(12:44):
here locally in Kitchener, through Doctor Didik, who then
became his specialist locally, he had the written test and the
driving test that they do for seniors.
And he failed both. And that was, I think, the
lowest point up to that point. He came home and cried.
(13:07):
And that's so sad. Yeah.
He never drove after that. Of course, he became my
instructor when I drove for a while.
Yes, it was you're going too fast or go or watch this and so
on. Now he doesn't say anything.
Thank goodness. Did he put his side on your knee
while he was driving? Nope, that was a no no.
(13:29):
Good. So now let's talk about where
you are now physically, of course, you are there in the
village at University Gate and making improvements and
supporting your husband. You've been very vocal about
(13:50):
Bill's dementia, and you wrote acouple of articles which were
really poignant and informative.But what you're talking about is
something that has, in the last few months, come into the public
consciousness, and that is aphasia.
And when the actor Bruce Willis,his family came out and said
Bruce is stepping away from films, and then we Start
(14:12):
learning that he had been, you know, showing signs of this on
sets for the last few years. Aphasia, aphasia, aphasia.
And people are looking it up, and The New York Times is
writing about it. You've known about aphasia.
So tell us what aphasia is in your family and what it has done
and is doing. Would you please, Joyce?
All right, well what he was diagnosed with is primary
(14:36):
progressive aphasia, non fluent.It's if you Google that it'll
tell you exactly the type of aphasia he has.
Your ability to speak deteriorates your thinking
sequence and eventually more motor skills.
Right now he's not too bad, except he cannot say more than 3
(14:59):
words at this point and his sequencing is really getting
worse. He can't dress or undress
himself anymore, He can't go to the bathroom at night without my
help, and he I only get two or three hours sleep at a time
because every about every three hours he gets up.
(15:20):
He's been wearing AC pap becausehe has sleep apnea, which he was
diagnosed actually in about 1998and so he's had AC pap ever
since. So now he can take it off
sometimes but he can't put it back on.
And if he doesn't put it back on, he snores.
(15:40):
So I am alerted usually and if if not when he comes back to bed
and snores, I get up and put theC pap back on him.
But lately, lately he can't evenshower or shave himself.
He has trouble even sequencing and eating and drinking.
And he does have some stubborn incidences and I know he doesn't
(16:04):
know he's doing it, but he'll just stand rigid and say no or
else he'll go to put his coat onand think he's leaving because
he's going somewhere. And sometimes when he gets
upset, I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I end up when I
can't hardly dissuade them, I end up crying.
(16:24):
But that hasn't happened too often.
Joyce, can I share a little bit about my wife?
She has dementia too. Oh, does she?
She's had it, yes. She's had it for the last five
years. And we used to play Scrabble in
the winter time in the mornings and in the afternoons.
And then all of a sudden, she lost the wheel to play.
(16:48):
She couldn't spell anymore. And then she started throwing
valuable things away into the garbage.
And it was very hard at first tounderstand what was going wrong.
And like you, I took her to the hospital and we had tests done.
And now she's in another nursinghome and I haven't seen her for
(17:10):
over 2 years now. Oh my gosh.
And it's so sad. And I, my heart goes out to you,
Joyce. It really does.
Or I know what you're going through.
And thank you for letting me tell you that story.
Yeah. No, I, I empathise with you
because it isn't easy, but I think we're in the right place
(17:30):
at the right time. Oh yeah, definitely.
Because friends of ours were going to move here and brought
us here last fall and they were going to move here.
And I hadn't even heard of University Gates.
And yet I've lived in Waterloo Region all my life.
And so I was the one that got excited about it and I came in
(17:54):
and made an appointment with Sahar, which I think is just a
wonderful advocate for university Gates.
And she explained everything to me.
We had a big home in Stonecroft in New Hamburg, over 3000 square
feet. But it became a real burden
because Bill couldn't do anything anymore.
(18:16):
And the, the last year when he was raking leaves from a
Magnolia tree, instead of rakingthe leaves on the ground, he was
pulling individual leaves off the tree.
And I, I said, Bill, you're supposed to rake on the ground.
And he said at that time, I do this every year.
(18:37):
Well, of course, he never did. But after that, I I couldn't
have him do anything inside or out because he wouldn't he.
His sequential thinking is compromised and a couple times
he wandered from Stonecroft, which is on the left side of the
highway. He went across the busy highway
to visit a friend 3 miles away. Oh my goodness.
(19:00):
And twice ended up there and andI was looking for him with my
car and everything. So if he had been hit, he
wouldn't have had any identification or anything.
And that's when I thought we can't live in a house anymore.
Yeah. But tell us about the transition
then, because Doug points out heand his wife are in separate
(19:21):
facilities. You have made the very conscious
decision to be with your bill and as you've explained, the
challenges grow. Day by day.
But Joyce, the whole decision todo this and you said it was
really quite quick. Tell us about.
Well, it was. I've always been one.
The thing that I mind the most is procrastination.
(19:43):
I say it's the thief of time andthe robber of self respect.
And I've always been one that was proactive and when I made a
decision I followed through. So when I did have my initial
meeting, I knew this was probably the best place for us
to be because it's a transitional place and Sahar had
(20:05):
told me it could be up to a yearbefore we could get in.
So I have a niece that's a a realtor and it does high end
homes and I had her put the homeon the market and when the first
people came through she didn't even have to market it and they
bought my home and Sahar called and said I could move in in a
(20:26):
month. So my we moved here on the 23rd
of October and my house sold on November 6th.
Wow, so I I call that providential.
Meant to be. It was meant to be.
And I look at it as living in a resort because you have your own
suite and you could go to a wonderful dining room for lunch
(20:52):
and dinner and there's social life and lots of people that
meet. And that's when I decided I
could help other people because a lot of people here don't have
either the mental or the physical capacity to, to do
things that need to be done, especially if they're widowed.
(21:13):
And we sit at at the table with two widows, one that we've known
for over 60 years because we used to chum when our kids were
little. And I've helped both of them now
make appointments for their hearing because the one I repeat
everything twice and and she does have hearing aids, but I
(21:34):
don't think they're adequate. So I go with them to the hearing
appointments. I not only make them because I'm
very computer savvy, but I go with them and then I hear what
they need. So I try and connect people and
I've done that even before I moved here is try to connect
people with the helps they need or to stimulate them.
(21:59):
I've, I have a, a euchre group and a bridge group that I play
during the day because I can only do that when bills not
here. He goes three days a week to a
day program in New Hamburg actually.
And is he and another fellow from here that did live with us
in Stonecroft. The two men go but with a
(22:21):
Kiwanis bus and they're bussed three days a week to a day
program run by Community Care Concepts.
And it's wonderful for them and for you.
Yes, these get that gives me 3 days to do my thing both here
and shopping or visiting friends.
I still go back and play cards with and have lunch with friends
(22:42):
in New Hamburg. Joyce often some people complain
but do nothing to fix what upsets them.
Not you. You do something about it.
No. How would you encourage someone
to follow your example and to get up and do something?
Well, there are people that say what's happening and and there
(23:05):
are people that make it happen. And I feel that if you have a
problem, if you can't find out how to solve it, then get
somebody that can help you solveit.
Good advice. And I guess that is why I was
(23:26):
asked early on when I moved hereto be on the resident council,
the Council of Neighborhood Representatives.
OK, so that's a forum for residents to bring issues
forward and help University Gatestaff solve problems.
And so knowing that when I movedhere, I felt there weren't
(23:50):
enough supports initially to guide me as to where to do what
and who to talk to. So that's when I thought of the
buddy system, Yes. Tell us about that.
Well, it's to connect a person who lives here and knows the the
routine with somebody who's justmoved in.
(24:11):
I've done it informally up to this point because if I see
somebody struggling, there was one woman that didn't seem even
to know how to use the elevator.And there's one lady that comes
out of her room on our floor with a Walker and she'll say, is
it time for lunch yet? And she's usually about an hour
(24:32):
early. So I say, no, no, you go back
and it's 1:15. And then she'll say, OK, and
away she goes. So it's, it's helping people
that if they need to go to the nurse's station, this is who
they talk to. And you know, different things
like that, that they aren't clued into.
And I find that that was actually even things in the
(24:55):
apartment that in our suite eventhat some of the plugs, if you
plug them in the top plug, they work with a light switch.
If you plug them in the bottom switch, they don't.
Right. Joyce, you had a book published
with your mother's sayings in them.
Can you share some of the signs?I actually published 2 books
(25:16):
about mother. One was called My Journey by Ada
Sauter. She dictated and I typed and she
was amazed that I could type andI could move paragraphs around
because she could not believe that that could happen.
But I, I I published a book for the family.
(25:37):
We made 40 copies with pictures and the story of her life
because she was born on the prairies in 1914 and her mother
died of the Spanish flu in 1918 when she was four.
And she then grew up with a stepmother that was very cruel.
(26:00):
And they, she found out later that the stepmother had a brain
problem and that she that's why she was so cruel.
She would locked the children ina a cupboard and she would say
she was going to the river to drown herself and so on.
And mom's father was away all week because he built schools
(26:22):
and so he wouldn't even be there.
But there was quite a a family and they ended up having two
sons that were mothers, step brothers.
And mother had to babysit, of course, because she was one of
the younger ones. And so she came down east to
meet her brother down here in Kitchener when she was 17.
(26:43):
And she met my father and married him about five months
later. So she couldn't talk to me about
the age. I was thinking not one for long
engagements in your family. So with mom, it was never age,
it was only religion. Oh my goodness, the things that
get in the way. But the the book that I wrote on
(27:05):
mother's life with with her dictating was it's a real
treasure. We made one for everyone of the
family and the grandchildren. And then I did 1 called famous
quotes and quips from Mother Solder and others.
And so they're even nursery rhymes that she taught us as
kids. And she was full of sayings.
(27:27):
You get more flies with honey than vinegar.
Do you know I say that all the time?
It's so true. Yeah, that's one of my famous
sayings. And some more of your mom's.
What more of her wit and wisdom can you share with us?
Well, she used to say if you don't like the outlook, try the
uplook. Oh, that's good.
OK, what else? I don't know what my future
(27:49):
holds, but I know who holds my future, that is.
And pride goeth before a fall. Mother used to say that all the
time to us because we'd come home and have an exam that we
got 98 and she'd say pride goethbefore a fall.
And I used to think, Oh my gosh,mother, can't you be happy that
I did this? But no, it was always the not to
(28:11):
be too puffed up, she used to say.
Well. We're not wishing to puff you
up, but it's just incredible theway that you are a natural
connector and communicator and you are so set on making where
you are a better place, not onlyfor yourself and your husband
Bill, but for everyone around you with the buddy system.
And I wonder if we could end on this note, what advice you'd
(28:35):
offer to somebody who loves and cares for someone living with
dementia, as you and Doug both have that experience?
Well, we do have a weekly meeting here with our spiritual
advisor where residents can talkabout their journey with their
spouses. And it's, it's such a, a
(28:57):
comfort, I think, to be able to talk about it and then to know
that others share your pain. Yes, joy shared is multiplied,
pain shared is divided. Exactly.
And you put the joy in Joyce. And we are just so grateful to
you for visiting with us here today.
Also, our thanks to Laura Petersfor helping to make this
(29:19):
possible and for sharing your story.
You have such a beautiful voice.A way to put this forward.
And if I may ask, and I'm curious as heck and I know our
listeners must be if you're married 70 years, can I?
Guess that you're. In your mid 80s. 87.
Amazing. Bill just turned 90 and I'm 87
(29:40):
and we have 4 boys, 9 grandchildren and 13 great
grandchildren. Oh, how blessed.
And they live everywhere from Madrid to Ottawa to Peterborough
to kW. Wow.
Well, thank you for everyone youhave reached today.
We are so grateful for this conversation with you, Joyce.
(30:00):
It was a pleasure. Bye bye, Joyce, bye bye.
Thanks too. To Brendan Cater for being a
Doug's side and of course to youfor sharing this time with.
US and Joyce Dankiewicz. Here on the green bench, don't
miss any of our chats. Just go to elderwisdom.ca and
you'll be directed to where you can make sure you're notified
(30:22):
whenever we have a new conversation.
Of course, we welcome your feedback.
You can post on Twitter. And Facebook using the.
Hashtag elder wisdom. Follow us there.
Too, if you'd like. Doug and I are.
I'm so looking forward to our next chat with former
Newfoundlander. Can you ever really be a former
Newfoundlander? June Campbell, as we continue
(30:43):
our theme of health caregiving and support, on behalf of Doug
Robinson, I'm Aaron Davis. We thank you for sharing in
these life stories and we'll talk to you again soon because
your seat on the green bench is ready and waiting.
Elder Wisdom Stories from the Green Bench is brought to you by
(31:08):
Schlegel Villages. A complete continuum of care
offering independent living to long term care.
Celebrating and honoring the wisdom of the elder.
To learn more about us, please go to our website
schlegelvillages.com.
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