November 4, 2025 • 27 mins
As we celebrate 10 years of #ElderWisdom, we revisit our very first episode with Doug Robinson, a resident of The Village of Sandalwood Park in Brampton.
Doug joined hosts Erin Davis and Lloyd Hetherington on the Green Bench back in 2020 to share stories of life, love, and grief — from his career in the hospitality industry to his brush with royalty, and the deep partnership he shared with his wife of 60 years.
This year, Doug’s journey came full circle as he travelled to the United Kingdom with fellow resident Bob Harrison as part of our 10th Anniversary Green Bench Tour, reconnecting with family roots and sharing wisdom across the ocean.
“We had his and hers gardens to solve arguments on what goes where.” – Doug Robinson
🎧 Listen again to where it all began — and discover how the Green Bench continues to travel, carrying stories of love, laughter, and connection.
Learn more at elderwisdom.ca
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Try and remember who you are andwho you are.
I got pregnant in Moose Jaw. Well, there wasn't much to do.
Every night before we went to sleep we used to say to one
(00:26):
another, good night, sleep tight, love you, God bless and
that we said that for over 50 years.
Welcome to Elder Wisdom Stories from the Green Bench Now.
This podcast explores basically everything from friendship,
(00:48):
tragedy, to love, life, learning, and so much more, all
told by and for older adults. I get the pleasure of being your
host for these podcasts and I couldn't be more excited.
My name is Aaron Davis and I didradio in Toronto for far too
many years. Stepped away from that about
five years ago, and now, in addition to being an author and
(01:11):
a Blogger, Zoom event host, basically anything Meals on
Wheels volunteer. What I'm doing now is getting a
chance to talk to people that you really, really should meet
because we're talking about elder wisdom here.
I'm 58 years old and I don't know if that's a senior or not,
but I'll tell you, I'm not goingto argue with the 20 something
(01:33):
at the drug store when he wants to give me a discount.
So if 58 is a senior, I'm signedup and I'm so excited to be here
today. So the green bench, it's kind of
like a speakers corner sort of idea where when you see someone
sitting on a green bench at Schlegel Villages, you know,
they like to talk, to visit, to listen and just be with someone.
(01:56):
In this case today with you, that's what we're doing here.
And along with my Co host, we'regoing to make way for a
gentleman who is a resident at Schlegel Village's retirement
and long term care homes in Ontario.
Now I've had a lot of Co hosts in my career.
I'm kind of like Elizabeth Taylor with husbands, although
mine all ended pretty well. But I have a new Co host today
(02:17):
and I'd like to introduce you tohim and for him to introduce
himself to you. His name is Lloyd Hetherington
and he's joining me on the greenbench today.
Hello Lloyd, How are you? I'm great, Erin, how are you?
I'm good, I'm good. As you can tell, I'm a little
excited. It could be the three coffees
and the one in my traveller right now as we sit on this
(02:39):
virtual bench together on a beautiful day.
So why don't we introduce you toeveryone?
Lloyd, I know it's hard to sum up in just a few moments, but if
you would tell us about who you are.
I'm just delighted to be part ofthis experience.
Ever since I heard about the concept of the podcast, I
currently wait for the opportunity.
(03:02):
What a fantastic resource we have in the Schlage of villages
with so many people, with so many stories to share.
My story blends with many of theothers here.
I'm 85 years of age, have travelled a great deal,
participated in a lot of adventures in my lifetime,
(03:22):
primarily in the field of education, but education around
the world. Education at the primary school
level. The secondary school level.
At the college level. Adult education.
Church education. And isn't it great, Lloyd, that
we can continue to learn at every age?
I feel just so strongly that we have something to share, and
(03:47):
it's our obligation to share ourexperience with others, and I
hope that these podcasts will dojust that as we tap the
resources that are at hand to share exciting insights and
concepts that can help to make this world just a bit better.
(04:07):
Oh, I love that. I love that.
That is a great mission statement going forward.
Lloyd, thank you for that. Tell me about your family.
How many children, how many grandchildren?
Lloyd I. Have three children and three
grandchildren. My oldest child, a son, lives in
Lakeview, MI Employment is zilchbut he has managed to create his
(04:30):
own work. My older daughter is into IT.
My my youngest daughter is in education in Toronto.
Oh my goodness. And what a year she's had.
I mean you've got 3 grandsons, 20 but 12 and 10, the younger 2
and then your daughter in education.
I guess they've seen quite a school year.
(04:52):
COVID has done a remarkable thing for us.
It's forced us to look at education and hopefully we keep
straight in our minds the difference between the
acquisition of knowledge and what education really is, the
development of wisdom. Well, what you say, Lloyd,
resonates with me because there was a quote I came across last
(05:15):
week that knowledge is power, but the true power comes in
sharing your wisdom. And that's what we're here to do
today. So thank you for that.
And we have a guest today that I'd like to introduce you to.
And we're meeting him virtually here for the first time on the
green bench. And he's a lovely gentleman who
moved to Canada 51 years ago. And bless him, he's still got
(05:37):
that gorgeous accent. Doug Robinson is joining us
today. Hello, Doug, How are you?
I'm fine, Erin, and it's very nice to be speaking to you.
You you had a career in the hospitality business, didn't
you? Yes, yeah, I started at the age
of 15 at the Cumberland Hotel inMarble Arch.
(05:59):
OK. I left school at 15 and I went
to work at the Cumberland Hotel and I was there for five or six
years. And then I went to work in a
famous fish restaurant called Wheelers in Saint James's, just
off a Piccadilly Circus. And then I moved to a even more
(06:23):
famous bar called Jules Bar in German Street, right behind
Fortnum and Mason. 'S Oh wow.
And I used to get a lot of film stars come in there.
I have one particular story to tell you, Patrick Mcgoohan.
Of course. Who was the king in Braveheart?
(06:47):
He used to drop in late at nightbecause it was a bar that used
to finish round about 7:00 so hecould come in and relax and have
a quiet drink and we used to sitthere and have a great old chat
for an hour every now and again.He was a wonderful man.
But my biggest memory in the industry was having the pleasure
(07:12):
to serve the Queen Mother in 1985 at The Four Seasons Hotel.
She'd come over for a visit and she'd had lunch and cause all
the dignitaries were there and the head table and I pulled the
chair out for her to sit down and I happened to say something
(07:36):
about the garden and she heard me and she turned round and she
said are you a gardener? I said Oh yes your majesty, I
have a beautiful garden at home.I said and in two weeks time I'm
going to go home and see the beautiful gardens of England
(07:56):
again. So anyway that was that and
after lunch was over, like you don't push yourself forward with
royalty. I stood back and she see me
standing there and she came overand she said to me, thank you
for a very nice lunch. It was very enjoyable.
(08:18):
But tell me this while you're inEngland, who's going to look
after the shop? Well, that's an Old English
expression. Exactly.
She's going to look after the shop while you're in England.
Oh my goodness. She was such a wonderful lady,
she really was. Now, Doug, I have to say that,
(08:39):
you know, in in 21st century parlance, when somebody tells
all the stories, we call it spill the tea.
And I'm not going to ask you to spill the tea about the Queen
Mom. But did she have a martini?
No, she had a Duboni, actually. Oh, lovely, lovely.
Nice. A pair of teeth.
Lovely. Yes, and I served it.
(08:59):
To her, that is wonderful, just wonderful.
Well, we've spoken about 1 QueenMum, but you know that there is
royalty in your own household because you and a very special
lady marked 60 years married in September, yes?
My wife moved next door to me when she was six years old and
(09:23):
if, if you'd have said that was the girl I was going to marry,
I'd have said you were crazy. Because when I went into the
army I in those days there was conscription still in England
and you had to do 2 years service.
So I was 18 and she was only 13 and when I came out of the Army
(09:44):
at 21, she was 16. And boy, what a beautiful woman
turned out from that 13 year old.
And so we started courting and we courted for four years and
she was 20 when she got married and I was 25.
And we have two, as I said, two wonderful children, 4 wonderful
(10:09):
grandchildren. But unfortunately now my wife
has Alzheimer's for the last sixyears and she's in a nursing
home, not this one, unfortunately.
And she doesn't Remember Me at all.
I before I came into the here, Iused to go and visit her every
(10:33):
Saturday with my daughter and she didn't know us at the end
and it was very sad. But I, I just wanted to.
I love her dearly. I can hear that.
I can hear that, my dear. Yeah.
Oh, Doug. And and you and Lloyd share in a
way. I don't know if there is no
(10:54):
comparing grief, which is something that I've learned in
our life story. And yet Lloyd is without his
wife physically with him as well.
Lloyd, you've been widowed for how many years now?
Just over 2 years, Aaron. The loss was fairly sudden.
We went out to shop one afternoon, came home, had
(11:16):
supper, watched TV for a while. Our wife got up to go to the
washroom and collapsed with a massive stroke.
Gone within a couple of weeks. So, Doug, I don't know which is
worse, the sudden loss or the loss that you're experiencing
now. Yeah, it's a loss no matter
which way we look at it. Which way you go, Lloyd, It's,
(11:38):
it's, it's a loss. When you love somebody as dearly
as we love our wives, it's it's a loss.
Yeah, Thug, Our paths are so, sosimilar.
We're the same age. I was married 61 years.
You've been married 60 years. And I met my wife not not as
this 5 or 6 year old, but as a 16 year old.
(12:01):
And it just was one beautiful, long lasting relationship.
And the, the, the bright, the bright spots were there, the
happy occasions. And then the loss has been a
very challenging one indeed. Especially when it's sudden like
that. And you know, I've been having
this same conversation with my girlfriend, whose mother just
(12:22):
passed away well, yesterday in Hospice.
And my mom, her passing sounds so much like your wife's Lloyd,
because mom and dad were watching TV, having dinner.
She said, you know, I, I feel hot.
And she was gone with a brain aneurysm and, and basically they
kept her on life support till wecould get to California to say
(12:43):
our goodbyes. So there are Lisa and I talking
with each other as she was at her mother's side in Hospice for
weeks and weeks and my mother going so quickly.
And you know, they're is again, no comparing grief.
But all we've got is the chance,I guess, to be grateful for
whatever has come our way. Grief is so individualistic,
(13:05):
Aaron. Each one of us grieve in our own
unique way and each of us admit there is loss and how we deal
with the loss is depends so muchon circumstances, depends on who
we are, and depends upon siftingthrough what so many people say.
When they say I know what you'regoing through, I understand
(13:28):
what's happening. Unless they have been there,
they do not know, they do not understand.
So they're well meaning people. We accept their thoughtfulness
and their care, but we have to recognize that what they're
saying carries very little weight at that particular time.
Much does faith play in the way that you accept or deal with the
(13:51):
process of grief, Lloyd. Faith to me is very, very
significant. I come from a faith tradition
that believes that she has an eternal reward, that she will be
at peace. And so for that I am very, very
comforted. But even though I rejoice that
(14:11):
she is beyond suffering now and beyond pain, I have to admit
there's still a vacancy and a loss even now after the two
years. Yeah.
That first year, as we've heard it described so often, is a year
of shock. And then the second year is it
settles in and you realize, OK, this is how it's going to be
(14:34):
moving forward. And yet, Doug, you find yourself
in a whole different kind of path, and one that so many of us
just can't imagine. What keeps you going?
Do you have faith? Is it your family?
Is it your community there in the Villages?
What gets you up in the morning,Doug?
It's it's the girls here that look after me.
(14:58):
You could not wish for any better than what I have here.
And I didn't go round for lunch today.
And I'm sitting there reading mybook.
Next minute Indra comes in. I know you like Caesar salad.
I bought you a Caesar salad. And.
(15:19):
That's what they do for me here.And then I'd finish the Caesar
salad. Next minute, there's a Chapman's
ice cream wafer. Well, you have to have that.
You know, I don't even have to ask for anything.
They look after me, we laugh, wejoke and that really keeps me
(15:41):
going. I love, I love gentlemen.
This this quote that I came across from Henny Youngman, who
I think was the gentleman who brought us Take my wife, Please,
which also reminds me of a post that I saw on Facebook today.
You're going to love this. A woman had posted very close to
(16:03):
us a wedding dress for sale, it says worn once by mistake.
And I thought this woman should sell that dress based on that.
But Henny, Henny Youngman, to get back to him, he said that
the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Now, surely you've got some insight into what makes a happy
(16:27):
marriage. So I'll start with you, Lloyd.
Is it a secret? Or if you had a couple of
Nuggets of wisdom, what would they be about?
A happy marriage? That that's so difficult because
the secret is still a secret as far as I'm concerned.
I had a wonderful wife and for 60 years we had what I consider
(16:50):
a fantastic marriage. If I stop to think of it now, I
would think that probably we came from a common background,
same church, same economic strata, same educational
background, so that we had so much in common to start with
that there's no debate about where we'd live, what we would
(17:11):
do, what we would experience. We had a common foundation and I
think that made for good solid start to it.
We were young at the time, so wedidn't know any other life
except our married life togetherreally, so that we didn't come
with a false expectations. I I wasn't cramping my wife's
(17:35):
career, she wasn't cramping my career.
We were discovering it together and we had a comfort level.
We had a security total trust one the other and I still
remember my wife saying that we're going to into different
situations, but I never worry aslong as I'm with you.
(17:56):
So there was that utter confidence and belief, and I had
the same faith in her that I never worried about what she was
thinking or what she was doing. That's very true, Lloyd.
I, I, I appreciate having you asthe first guest because our, in
many ways our tracks are parallel, aren't they?
(18:16):
So the secret is find that whichis in common, trust implicitly
and don't become selfish in my goals, my ambitions, my desires,
the word my disappears. And it became ours right from
the start, right from the day wewere married, a joint bank
(18:37):
account, joint books saw we talked over everything,
including any expenditures. So I wouldn't go out and buy
some toy that I would want. I'd talk about it.
And after a year or two, I wouldeither wear her down, we'd get
it, or after a year or two, I'd find that that toy was obsolete.
Then we're ready to work on the next one.
(18:58):
And so we we talked about everything.
There's a lot of wisdom there and the trust, the friendship.
Doug, what would you say if you were to tell us the secret?
Well, my wife had a mind of her own and I'll never have it.
I'd never said no to whatever she said or wanted to do, except
(19:24):
in the garden. We couldn't agree where to put a
rose Bush or what colour went there.
So to solve that problem we had his and her garden.
She had her garden, I had my garden and being English, we had
(19:45):
a very, very English garden. Lots of roses, lots of flock and
all kinds of different plants. So when we started out I would
put a rose in and she said, Oh no, that doesn't go there, it's
got to go over there. And I'd say no.
And we'd get into an argument over it.
(20:06):
So that's the way that came. You have that side.
You put what you want in, I havethis and don't you dare come
down. And so that was that.
But to make it a happy marriage,every night before we went to
sleep, we used to say to one another, goodnight, sleep tight,
(20:29):
love you, God bless. And that we said that for over
50 years, every night, and only because she was very, very
special. And Doug, so are you.
(20:50):
I was stunned to read in an Angus Reid poll last year that
the older we get as Canadians, the less likely we are to want
to actually live with our family.
Something like only 4% of Canadians aged 70 plus would
rather move in with family. Was that surprising to you?
(21:11):
And I'll start with you, Lloyd. No.
I'm not. I'm not surprised at all.
I've got two daughters, both with lovely homes.
Both would welcome me in spite of all the inconveniences.
But I I am not prepared to move into either one and the reason
there are many fold the if I moved into their homes I'd be
(21:31):
under their rules and I'm just not prepared for that yet.
They would set the pace, they would decide when the door is
locked and what I could do and I'll, I'll leave that for my
manager here to decide that. You're not the boss of me.
When my wife went into the nursing home, I moved in with my
(21:52):
daughter. As I said, she's wonderful.
She looks after me and I was able to cook her dinner for her
before she came home from work every night.
Her dinner was always there, andthen slowly, slowly, old age
crept in and I wasn't able to cook her dinner anymore.
(22:13):
So she had to come home from work and start looking after me.
And I felt that I was a burden to her, not that she said so in
any way. And that's when I decided to
come into a nursing home myself.And it was the best decision
that I made, Doug. Is on the right track when we
(22:36):
decide to move in. The transition is a very
pleasant, a very helpful one. It's when the family decide it's
time you've got to move in and it makes the makes the
experience just a bit more difficult.
Yeah. So you're, you're on the right
track there, Doug. Yeah, mobility issues too often
(22:56):
make things so difficult if you're living with your family.
I know if my dad moved in with one of my siblings or myself,
there would be no stairs. We'd have to get one of those
chairs that that we see advertised on TV all the time.
And the worry too. So if you're ever thinking that
you're a burden to your childrenand Doug, I'm sure that you were
not, it's just the worry. It's the constant worry like,
(23:18):
oh, is dad going to fall in the bath or something like that?
It's just. With me, my daughter put in one
of those stair lifts because I couldn't climb stairs anymore.
And then I was having trouble getting dressed.
And, you know, people were coming in to dress me.
I couldn't shower, stand up in the shower.
(23:40):
But they were trying to turn my daughter's home into a nursing
home, right? And that wasn't fair to my
daughter. That was her home, not a nursing
home. So that's when I really decided
I had to get out. Doug, you were so thoughtful
because our children have a lifeto live as well.
And they would do it. I know my children would do
(24:04):
anything for me, but I refuse toimpose upon them.
I just don't want to be a burdento them.
Just like yourself, Dog. We ought to respect their home,
their freedom, their opportunities, and the Schlager
Village just they're marvelous in their way.
They arrange for us and get us set up and I said to my little
(24:27):
empire here with my TV and my computer and my Internet and in
a very comfortable chair and I rained from this chair and it's
just incredible. I've got I've got the lever that
I can pull up and up goes the legs and I relax because I do
(24:48):
doze off now and again. Well, that's what those
comfortable chairs are for, Doug.
We all do. And, and Lloyd, I love to
picture you a man of learning and of teaching and letters and
all of these experiences in yourlife.
And there you are with the Internet and the world's
libraries. Everything is at your
fingertips. And for all the ills of the
(25:09):
Internet, there you are with every book, every tome, every
story, right there for you. It's wonderful.
Wonderful. It is incredible.
You know, and and it is the Internet that has brought us
here together today. And I could keep talking
forever, but Doug, I'm sure there's somebody who wants to
deliver you some ice cream or a Caesar salad or just to make
(25:31):
sure you're eating, which they do it with my dad too.
And I'm so grateful. And I've so much more we can
explore here. And I'm I can't wait for our
next get together here on the green bench.
Now next time, I want a story about Sean Connery, OK?
Yeah, Erin, I'm just going to gostraight back to the telephone
now, phone my daughter. And So what a wonderful surprise
(25:53):
I had today being able to speak to you.
She's a 98.1 listener. Wonderful, thank you and thank
her so much for me. You're welcome.
Wow, this has been so much fun and Lloyd will talk with you
again soon my friend, OK. Looking forward to it Erin.
I really enjoyed this. Oh, me too.
(26:16):
And I want to thank our listeners for spending this time
with us. And I hope that you you will
join Lloyd and me again. And please subscribe for
additional episodes. There's going to be lots more.
And I'm telling you, we'll have a tough time hitting the highs
that we did today, but also going down the road of grief and
of well of life. So you'll be notified as soon as
(26:38):
our additional episodes become available.
And remember, you can share yourthoughts and opinions with us on
social media by using the hashtag Elder wisdom to help
others find us. Just take a moment to to rate
and review the Elder Wisdom Podcast.
Thank you so much for listening.I'm Aaron Davis.
Until next time, your seat on the green bench is ready and
(27:00):
waiting. Elder wisdom Stories from the
Green Bench is brought to you bySchlegel Villages.
A complete continuum of care offering independent living to
long term care. Celebrating and honoring the
wisdom of the Elder. To learn more about us, please
(27:20):
go to our website schlegelvillages.com.
Try and remember who you are andwho you are.
I got pregnant in Moose Jaw. Well, there wasn't much to do.
Every night before we went to sleep we used to say to one
(00:26):
another, good night, sleep tight, love you, God bless and
that we said that for over 50 years.
Welcome to Elder Wisdom Stories from the Green Bench Now.
This podcast explores basically everything from friendship,
(00:48):
tragedy, to love, life, learning, and so much more, all
told by and for older adults. I get the pleasure of being your
host for these podcasts and I couldn't be more excited.
My name is Aaron Davis and I didradio in Toronto for far too
many years. Stepped away from that about
five years ago, and now, in addition to being an author and
(01:11):
a Blogger, Zoom event host, basically anything Meals on
Wheels volunteer. What I'm doing now is getting a
chance to talk to people that you really, really should meet
because we're talking about elder wisdom here.
I'm 58 years old and I don't know if that's a senior or not,
but I'll tell you, I'm not goingto argue with the 20 something
(01:33):
at the drug store when he wants to give me a discount.
So if 58 is a senior, I'm signedup and I'm so excited to be here
today. So the green bench, it's kind of
like a speakers corner sort of idea where when you see someone
sitting on a green bench at Schlegel Villages, you know,
they like to talk, to visit, to listen and just be with someone.
(01:56):
In this case today with you, that's what we're doing here.
And along with my Co host, we'regoing to make way for a
gentleman who is a resident at Schlegel Village's retirement
and long term care homes in Ontario.
Now I've had a lot of Co hosts in my career.
I'm kind of like Elizabeth Taylor with husbands, although
mine all ended pretty well. But I have a new Co host today
(02:17):
and I'd like to introduce you tohim and for him to introduce
himself to you. His name is Lloyd Hetherington
and he's joining me on the greenbench today.
Hello Lloyd, How are you? I'm great, Erin, how are you?
I'm good, I'm good. As you can tell, I'm a little
excited. It could be the three coffees
and the one in my traveller right now as we sit on this
(02:39):
virtual bench together on a beautiful day.
So why don't we introduce you toeveryone?
Lloyd, I know it's hard to sum up in just a few moments, but if
you would tell us about who you are.
I'm just delighted to be part ofthis experience.
Ever since I heard about the concept of the podcast, I
currently wait for the opportunity.
(03:02):
What a fantastic resource we have in the Schlage of villages
with so many people, with so many stories to share.
My story blends with many of theothers here.
I'm 85 years of age, have travelled a great deal,
participated in a lot of adventures in my lifetime,
(03:22):
primarily in the field of education, but education around
the world. Education at the primary school
level. The secondary school level.
At the college level. Adult education.
Church education. And isn't it great, Lloyd, that
we can continue to learn at every age?
I feel just so strongly that we have something to share, and
(03:47):
it's our obligation to share ourexperience with others, and I
hope that these podcasts will dojust that as we tap the
resources that are at hand to share exciting insights and
concepts that can help to make this world just a bit better.
(04:07):
Oh, I love that. I love that.
That is a great mission statement going forward.
Lloyd, thank you for that. Tell me about your family.
How many children, how many grandchildren?
Lloyd I. Have three children and three
grandchildren. My oldest child, a son, lives in
Lakeview, MI Employment is zilchbut he has managed to create his
(04:30):
own work. My older daughter is into IT.
My my youngest daughter is in education in Toronto.
Oh my goodness. And what a year she's had.
I mean you've got 3 grandsons, 20 but 12 and 10, the younger 2
and then your daughter in education.
I guess they've seen quite a school year.
(04:52):
COVID has done a remarkable thing for us.
It's forced us to look at education and hopefully we keep
straight in our minds the difference between the
acquisition of knowledge and what education really is, the
development of wisdom. Well, what you say, Lloyd,
resonates with me because there was a quote I came across last
(05:15):
week that knowledge is power, but the true power comes in
sharing your wisdom. And that's what we're here to do
today. So thank you for that.
And we have a guest today that I'd like to introduce you to.
And we're meeting him virtually here for the first time on the
green bench. And he's a lovely gentleman who
moved to Canada 51 years ago. And bless him, he's still got
(05:37):
that gorgeous accent. Doug Robinson is joining us
today. Hello, Doug, How are you?
I'm fine, Erin, and it's very nice to be speaking to you.
You you had a career in the hospitality business, didn't
you? Yes, yeah, I started at the age
of 15 at the Cumberland Hotel inMarble Arch.
(05:59):
OK. I left school at 15 and I went
to work at the Cumberland Hotel and I was there for five or six
years. And then I went to work in a
famous fish restaurant called Wheelers in Saint James's, just
off a Piccadilly Circus. And then I moved to a even more
(06:23):
famous bar called Jules Bar in German Street, right behind
Fortnum and Mason. 'S Oh wow.
And I used to get a lot of film stars come in there.
I have one particular story to tell you, Patrick Mcgoohan.
Of course. Who was the king in Braveheart?
(06:47):
He used to drop in late at nightbecause it was a bar that used
to finish round about 7:00 so hecould come in and relax and have
a quiet drink and we used to sitthere and have a great old chat
for an hour every now and again.He was a wonderful man.
But my biggest memory in the industry was having the pleasure
(07:12):
to serve the Queen Mother in 1985 at The Four Seasons Hotel.
She'd come over for a visit and she'd had lunch and cause all
the dignitaries were there and the head table and I pulled the
chair out for her to sit down and I happened to say something
(07:36):
about the garden and she heard me and she turned round and she
said are you a gardener? I said Oh yes your majesty, I
have a beautiful garden at home.I said and in two weeks time I'm
going to go home and see the beautiful gardens of England
(07:56):
again. So anyway that was that and
after lunch was over, like you don't push yourself forward with
royalty. I stood back and she see me
standing there and she came overand she said to me, thank you
for a very nice lunch. It was very enjoyable.
(08:18):
But tell me this while you're inEngland, who's going to look
after the shop? Well, that's an Old English
expression. Exactly.
She's going to look after the shop while you're in England.
Oh my goodness. She was such a wonderful lady,
she really was. Now, Doug, I have to say that,
(08:39):
you know, in in 21st century parlance, when somebody tells
all the stories, we call it spill the tea.
And I'm not going to ask you to spill the tea about the Queen
Mom. But did she have a martini?
No, she had a Duboni, actually. Oh, lovely, lovely.
Nice. A pair of teeth.
Lovely. Yes, and I served it.
(08:59):
To her, that is wonderful, just wonderful.
Well, we've spoken about 1 QueenMum, but you know that there is
royalty in your own household because you and a very special
lady marked 60 years married in September, yes?
My wife moved next door to me when she was six years old and
(09:23):
if, if you'd have said that was the girl I was going to marry,
I'd have said you were crazy. Because when I went into the
army I in those days there was conscription still in England
and you had to do 2 years service.
So I was 18 and she was only 13 and when I came out of the Army
(09:44):
at 21, she was 16. And boy, what a beautiful woman
turned out from that 13 year old.
And so we started courting and we courted for four years and
she was 20 when she got married and I was 25.
And we have two, as I said, two wonderful children, 4 wonderful
(10:09):
grandchildren. But unfortunately now my wife
has Alzheimer's for the last sixyears and she's in a nursing
home, not this one, unfortunately.
And she doesn't Remember Me at all.
I before I came into the here, Iused to go and visit her every
(10:33):
Saturday with my daughter and she didn't know us at the end
and it was very sad. But I, I just wanted to.
I love her dearly. I can hear that.
I can hear that, my dear. Yeah.
Oh, Doug. And and you and Lloyd share in a
way. I don't know if there is no
(10:54):
comparing grief, which is something that I've learned in
our life story. And yet Lloyd is without his
wife physically with him as well.
Lloyd, you've been widowed for how many years now?
Just over 2 years, Aaron. The loss was fairly sudden.
We went out to shop one afternoon, came home, had
(11:16):
supper, watched TV for a while. Our wife got up to go to the
washroom and collapsed with a massive stroke.
Gone within a couple of weeks. So, Doug, I don't know which is
worse, the sudden loss or the loss that you're experiencing
now. Yeah, it's a loss no matter
which way we look at it. Which way you go, Lloyd, It's,
(11:38):
it's, it's a loss. When you love somebody as dearly
as we love our wives, it's it's a loss.
Yeah, Thug, Our paths are so, sosimilar.
We're the same age. I was married 61 years.
You've been married 60 years. And I met my wife not not as
this 5 or 6 year old, but as a 16 year old.
(12:01):
And it just was one beautiful, long lasting relationship.
And the, the, the bright, the bright spots were there, the
happy occasions. And then the loss has been a
very challenging one indeed. Especially when it's sudden like
that. And you know, I've been having
this same conversation with my girlfriend, whose mother just
(12:22):
passed away well, yesterday in Hospice.
And my mom, her passing sounds so much like your wife's Lloyd,
because mom and dad were watching TV, having dinner.
She said, you know, I, I feel hot.
And she was gone with a brain aneurysm and, and basically they
kept her on life support till wecould get to California to say
(12:43):
our goodbyes. So there are Lisa and I talking
with each other as she was at her mother's side in Hospice for
weeks and weeks and my mother going so quickly.
And you know, they're is again, no comparing grief.
But all we've got is the chance,I guess, to be grateful for
whatever has come our way. Grief is so individualistic,
(13:05):
Aaron. Each one of us grieve in our own
unique way and each of us admit there is loss and how we deal
with the loss is depends so muchon circumstances, depends on who
we are, and depends upon siftingthrough what so many people say.
When they say I know what you'regoing through, I understand
(13:28):
what's happening. Unless they have been there,
they do not know, they do not understand.
So they're well meaning people. We accept their thoughtfulness
and their care, but we have to recognize that what they're
saying carries very little weight at that particular time.
Much does faith play in the way that you accept or deal with the
(13:51):
process of grief, Lloyd. Faith to me is very, very
significant. I come from a faith tradition
that believes that she has an eternal reward, that she will be
at peace. And so for that I am very, very
comforted. But even though I rejoice that
(14:11):
she is beyond suffering now and beyond pain, I have to admit
there's still a vacancy and a loss even now after the two
years. Yeah.
That first year, as we've heard it described so often, is a year
of shock. And then the second year is it
settles in and you realize, OK, this is how it's going to be
(14:34):
moving forward. And yet, Doug, you find yourself
in a whole different kind of path, and one that so many of us
just can't imagine. What keeps you going?
Do you have faith? Is it your family?
Is it your community there in the Villages?
What gets you up in the morning,Doug?
It's it's the girls here that look after me.
(14:58):
You could not wish for any better than what I have here.
And I didn't go round for lunch today.
And I'm sitting there reading mybook.
Next minute Indra comes in. I know you like Caesar salad.
I bought you a Caesar salad. And.
(15:19):
That's what they do for me here.And then I'd finish the Caesar
salad. Next minute, there's a Chapman's
ice cream wafer. Well, you have to have that.
You know, I don't even have to ask for anything.
They look after me, we laugh, wejoke and that really keeps me
(15:41):
going. I love, I love gentlemen.
This this quote that I came across from Henny Youngman, who
I think was the gentleman who brought us Take my wife, Please,
which also reminds me of a post that I saw on Facebook today.
You're going to love this. A woman had posted very close to
(16:03):
us a wedding dress for sale, it says worn once by mistake.
And I thought this woman should sell that dress based on that.
But Henny, Henny Youngman, to get back to him, he said that
the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Now, surely you've got some insight into what makes a happy
(16:27):
marriage. So I'll start with you, Lloyd.
Is it a secret? Or if you had a couple of
Nuggets of wisdom, what would they be about?
A happy marriage? That that's so difficult because
the secret is still a secret as far as I'm concerned.
I had a wonderful wife and for 60 years we had what I consider
(16:50):
a fantastic marriage. If I stop to think of it now, I
would think that probably we came from a common background,
same church, same economic strata, same educational
background, so that we had so much in common to start with
that there's no debate about where we'd live, what we would
(17:11):
do, what we would experience. We had a common foundation and I
think that made for good solid start to it.
We were young at the time, so wedidn't know any other life
except our married life togetherreally, so that we didn't come
with a false expectations. I I wasn't cramping my wife's
(17:35):
career, she wasn't cramping my career.
We were discovering it together and we had a comfort level.
We had a security total trust one the other and I still
remember my wife saying that we're going to into different
situations, but I never worry aslong as I'm with you.
(17:56):
So there was that utter confidence and belief, and I had
the same faith in her that I never worried about what she was
thinking or what she was doing. That's very true, Lloyd.
I, I, I appreciate having you asthe first guest because our, in
many ways our tracks are parallel, aren't they?
(18:16):
So the secret is find that whichis in common, trust implicitly
and don't become selfish in my goals, my ambitions, my desires,
the word my disappears. And it became ours right from
the start, right from the day wewere married, a joint bank
(18:37):
account, joint books saw we talked over everything,
including any expenditures. So I wouldn't go out and buy
some toy that I would want. I'd talk about it.
And after a year or two, I wouldeither wear her down, we'd get
it, or after a year or two, I'd find that that toy was obsolete.
Then we're ready to work on the next one.
(18:58):
And so we we talked about everything.
There's a lot of wisdom there and the trust, the friendship.
Doug, what would you say if you were to tell us the secret?
Well, my wife had a mind of her own and I'll never have it.
I'd never said no to whatever she said or wanted to do, except
(19:24):
in the garden. We couldn't agree where to put a
rose Bush or what colour went there.
So to solve that problem we had his and her garden.
She had her garden, I had my garden and being English, we had
(19:45):
a very, very English garden. Lots of roses, lots of flock and
all kinds of different plants. So when we started out I would
put a rose in and she said, Oh no, that doesn't go there, it's
got to go over there. And I'd say no.
And we'd get into an argument over it.
(20:06):
So that's the way that came. You have that side.
You put what you want in, I havethis and don't you dare come
down. And so that was that.
But to make it a happy marriage,every night before we went to
sleep, we used to say to one another, goodnight, sleep tight,
(20:29):
love you, God bless. And that we said that for over
50 years, every night, and only because she was very, very
special. And Doug, so are you.
(20:50):
I was stunned to read in an Angus Reid poll last year that
the older we get as Canadians, the less likely we are to want
to actually live with our family.
Something like only 4% of Canadians aged 70 plus would
rather move in with family. Was that surprising to you?
(21:11):
And I'll start with you, Lloyd. No.
I'm not. I'm not surprised at all.
I've got two daughters, both with lovely homes.
Both would welcome me in spite of all the inconveniences.
But I I am not prepared to move into either one and the reason
there are many fold the if I moved into their homes I'd be
(21:31):
under their rules and I'm just not prepared for that yet.
They would set the pace, they would decide when the door is
locked and what I could do and I'll, I'll leave that for my
manager here to decide that. You're not the boss of me.
When my wife went into the nursing home, I moved in with my
(21:52):
daughter. As I said, she's wonderful.
She looks after me and I was able to cook her dinner for her
before she came home from work every night.
Her dinner was always there, andthen slowly, slowly, old age
crept in and I wasn't able to cook her dinner anymore.
(22:13):
So she had to come home from work and start looking after me.
And I felt that I was a burden to her, not that she said so in
any way. And that's when I decided to
come into a nursing home myself.And it was the best decision
that I made, Doug. Is on the right track when we
(22:36):
decide to move in. The transition is a very
pleasant, a very helpful one. It's when the family decide it's
time you've got to move in and it makes the makes the
experience just a bit more difficult.
Yeah. So you're, you're on the right
track there, Doug. Yeah, mobility issues too often
(22:56):
make things so difficult if you're living with your family.
I know if my dad moved in with one of my siblings or myself,
there would be no stairs. We'd have to get one of those
chairs that that we see advertised on TV all the time.
And the worry too. So if you're ever thinking that
you're a burden to your childrenand Doug, I'm sure that you were
not, it's just the worry. It's the constant worry like,
(23:18):
oh, is dad going to fall in the bath or something like that?
It's just. With me, my daughter put in one
of those stair lifts because I couldn't climb stairs anymore.
And then I was having trouble getting dressed.
And, you know, people were coming in to dress me.
I couldn't shower, stand up in the shower.
(23:40):
But they were trying to turn my daughter's home into a nursing
home, right? And that wasn't fair to my
daughter. That was her home, not a nursing
home. So that's when I really decided
I had to get out. Doug, you were so thoughtful
because our children have a lifeto live as well.
And they would do it. I know my children would do
(24:04):
anything for me, but I refuse toimpose upon them.
I just don't want to be a burdento them.
Just like yourself, Dog. We ought to respect their home,
their freedom, their opportunities, and the Schlager
Village just they're marvelous in their way.
They arrange for us and get us set up and I said to my little
(24:27):
empire here with my TV and my computer and my Internet and in
a very comfortable chair and I rained from this chair and it's
just incredible. I've got I've got the lever that
I can pull up and up goes the legs and I relax because I do
(24:48):
doze off now and again. Well, that's what those
comfortable chairs are for, Doug.
We all do. And, and Lloyd, I love to
picture you a man of learning and of teaching and letters and
all of these experiences in yourlife.
And there you are with the Internet and the world's
libraries. Everything is at your
fingertips. And for all the ills of the
(25:09):
Internet, there you are with every book, every tome, every
story, right there for you. It's wonderful.
Wonderful. It is incredible.
You know, and and it is the Internet that has brought us
here together today. And I could keep talking
forever, but Doug, I'm sure there's somebody who wants to
deliver you some ice cream or a Caesar salad or just to make
(25:31):
sure you're eating, which they do it with my dad too.
And I'm so grateful. And I've so much more we can
explore here. And I'm I can't wait for our
next get together here on the green bench.
Now next time, I want a story about Sean Connery, OK?
Yeah, Erin, I'm just going to gostraight back to the telephone
now, phone my daughter. And So what a wonderful surprise
(25:53):
I had today being able to speak to you.
She's a 98.1 listener. Wonderful, thank you and thank
her so much for me. You're welcome.
Wow, this has been so much fun and Lloyd will talk with you
again soon my friend, OK. Looking forward to it Erin.
I really enjoyed this. Oh, me too.
(26:16):
And I want to thank our listeners for spending this time
with us. And I hope that you you will
join Lloyd and me again. And please subscribe for
additional episodes. There's going to be lots more.
And I'm telling you, we'll have a tough time hitting the highs
that we did today, but also going down the road of grief and
of well of life. So you'll be notified as soon as
(26:38):
our additional episodes become available.
And remember, you can share yourthoughts and opinions with us on
social media by using the hashtag Elder wisdom to help
others find us. Just take a moment to to rate
and review the Elder Wisdom Podcast.
Thank you so much for listening.I'm Aaron Davis.
Until next time, your seat on the green bench is ready and
(27:00):
waiting. Elder wisdom Stories from the
Green Bench is brought to you bySchlegel Villages.
A complete continuum of care offering independent living to
long term care. Celebrating and honoring the
wisdom of the Elder. To learn more about us, please
(27:20):
go to our website schlegelvillages.com.
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