December 4, 2024 • 63 mins
Getting over grief can take time... but it doesn't have to. Discover proven strategies and trauma-tested techniques to heal your broken heart and get your sweet ass back in the mix by today's close of business.
Recorded in mid-2023.
Music by Visions of the Universe.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is LA's number-one avant-garde personal development program. New episodes premiere on KCHUNG Los Angeles on the first Wednesday of the month.
The writer, producer, host, and witty and wounded romantic hero is Emerson Dameron, who is wholly responsible for its content.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Healing your broken heart from a nasty breakup can
take time, but it doesn't haveto.
These five quick and dirtyheart hacks will get your ass
back in the mix by today's closeof business.
Number one let it go.
Ghost them, block them oneverything.
Rewire your consciousness bysmoking psychedelic toad venom.
They're deader than thedinosaurs to you now, and if you
have kids together, you canalways get new ones.
(00:21):
Number two work out Lift weights.
Hit a bag.
You can always get new ones.
Number two work out Liftweights, hit a bag.
Run until you're in anothertime zone.
See if you can get a jobmurdering people.
Number three get to work.
Pick up five new side hustles.
Win a hot sauce contest and eata Carolina Reaper, just to feel
something.
Number four have sex.
Sex feels good and you need todo it today.
So lower your standards andenjoy the pure catharsis of hate
(00:44):
sex with idiots.
Number 5, be your own hero.
If you can swing all this inone day, imagine how it'll feel
in five years when you ascend toyour final godlike form.
Just remember when you fasttrack your grief, you stop
feeling sorry for yourself andstart feeling sorry for everyone
else.
(01:05):
Nothing is so dangerous as anignorant friend, a wise enemy is
to be preferred, the wise andprescient words of the French
fabulist and poet Jean de laFontaine.
What that means is trust.
(01:41):
Issues might be painful,uncomfortable, may seem like an
unpleasant alternative to justassuming the best, assuming that
people have your back.
But they are in fact a goodstart in the direction that you
want to go in, which is nottrusting anyone ever, for any
reason.
People will screw you over.
If you're lucky, they'll do iton purpose.
(02:03):
If not, they'll do it onpurpose.
If not, they'll do it byaccident.
At the points whereincompetence is
indistinguishable from malice inthe damage that it can do.
People that are good atinflicting harm to get what they
(02:23):
want, that use targeted strikes, that try to be classy about it
so they don't risk vengeance,will likely leave you in better
shape than, for instance, clumsyfriends.
Clumsy friends, the incompetentlovers who ask too much or too
(02:49):
little, the bosses that exploityou and think that they're doing
you a favor.
You're better off with realenemies than fake friends.
I am Emerson Dameron.
You're better off with realenemies than fake friends.
I am Emerson Dameron.
(03:09):
I'm your one true friend.
I also have a host of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes.
The program that you'relistening to on K-Chung, los
Angeles 1630 AM.
(03:40):
Kchungradioorgmedicated-minutes is the site
for this show, which I produce,create and star in through the
power of my own hard work andcharisma.
I would never describe myself asa sociopath.
I think if I were, I would findsomething better to do than
this.
There aren't that manysociopaths and the world is
optimized for them, so theyreally have no excuse for not
running it.
I would say if you can work onthat level with regards to other
(04:10):
people, you should.
I don't see a significantdownside.
If you're not going toexperience guilt over it, then
really what's the risk?
You risk treating people poorly, but that's what most people
want, obviously.
Just look at the way that theybehave and treat themselves.
(04:33):
Treating people well is just aninvitation for them to hurt you
and the confusion that resultsfrom that.
Treat them like garbage andthey'll feel right at home and
they'll respect you for havingthe guts to do that.
(04:54):
I'm not.
That's not really my thing.
I talk a big game on the show,but I've been referred to as a
pussycat in person.
I think that's just because Idon't like to bring a whole lot
of conflict on myself.
My nervous system has taken abeating over the last few years.
(05:16):
I'm prone to depression andcomorbid anxiety.
I don't like to create a lot ofstatic or drama in my life for
no reason.
I've had one or two experienceswhere I took revenge or
attempted to take petty revengeon someone I thought had harmed
(05:39):
me, and it was never satisfyingin the way that I thought it
would be.
And we're talking pretty minorstuff Like, for instance, I've
been in bad jobs that I reallyhated, and it's always difficult
for me to enjoy life whilehating my job.
It tends to bleed over.
So you know I've had sustainedperiods of consistent
(06:04):
frustration and unhappiness as aresult of conditions in my
place of employment and I'vefantasized for months or in some
cases years about quitting andtwisting the knife while doing
it.
I don't usually follow throughon that.
(06:26):
In the cases where I have evencome close or even intimated
that I might do any harm tosomeone I thought had wronged me
, it never feels good the waythat I fantasize that it will.
(06:46):
It's not worth the trouble.
It doesn't really accomplishanything.
I do have a ritual for quittinga job, which is that on my way
to quit a job I will listen toAyers' soundtrack for the Sofia
Coppola film the Virgin Suicides.
That's a ritual that I'vemaintained now since I think it
(07:12):
began in 2010.
And I've quit a number of jobsand other obligations since then
.
It's always the journey to thepoint where that is going to
happen, which now I guess itmight happen on Zoom most of the
time.
(07:32):
But if it's going to happen ina physical location, which is
generally to be preferred whendelivering bad news, just to
show you have the nerve to do it, I will always listen to Air's
Virgin Suicide soundtrack on theway to do it.
I will always listen to Ayer'sVirgin Suicide soundtrack on the
way to do that, and that'sreally the most glamour or
(07:53):
razzle-dazzle that I ever putinto that process.
Usually, I just want to GTFO asquickly as possible and get on
with my life and experience.
That feeling of leaving a badsituation that suddenly, even if
it had been going on for years,feels like it never happened.
(08:13):
It just becomes another funnyanecdote in your arsenal.
That's really what I want.
I don't want to create a bunchof problems for myself.
And yet the world is optimizedfor sociopathy and there are a
lot of fake wannabe sociopaths,typically people who have been
(08:37):
badly hurt and want revengeAgain.
Going back to that, which is adangerous game Doing things out
of spite, unless you're doing itjust for yourself.
Spite is a wonderful catalystfor getting things done.
It can generate rip-roaringcomedy if you're a writer.
(09:00):
It also helped me earn mybachelor's degree because I just
wanted to not have to go backto college.
I just wanted to get out andget a victory over those forces
and just not have to do it again.
(09:21):
And by the end of my senioryear it was pure spite that was
driving me on and it worked.
I have a bachelor's degree, soI'm qualified to be a bachelor,
which I'm divorced, so I guessI'm a born-again bachelor now
(09:42):
and that degree is coming inquite handy.
Born-again bachelor now, andthat degree is coming in quite
handy.
If you are not a sociopath andyou're hardwiring, it is
generally unwise to pretend, asyou will almost certainly be
eaten alive by the genuinearticle.
When you encounter such aperson.
(10:02):
There's nothing they hate morethan wannabes.
The whole advantage of being asociopath is that it's a lonely
business because you can'treally talk about it and there
aren't that many of them.
They don't tend to socializewith one another.
It's hyper-competitive but notas competitive as it would be if
(10:26):
anyone could just decide tojoin that club.
So don't pretend.
If you don't have the stomachfor it, don't even try.
But If you don't try, how doyou know?
(10:48):
Because you're a good person,how do you know that?
What test have you put that to?
Are you just a good person byomission of things that would be
considered evil or less thangood?
If you're doing good thingsbecause you want to, that's one
(11:12):
thing.
If you're in fact justprotecting yourself or trying to
ingratiate yourself or givingto get, I would say you haven't
experimented with evil.
And my advice to you would bemy advice to any child who is
(11:33):
curious about something orwanted to try something, which
would be try it and see whathappens.
As long as you and everyoneelse is safe or reasonably safe,
nothing is ever without risk.
But experiment with it.
And that doesn't mean hurtingpeople just to hurt people.
(11:55):
That is not practical behavior.
In most cases.
Cases I prefer to hurt peoplewho long for it in exactly the
ways that will most help them.
That's my own business.
(12:22):
I don't see any point in justungracefully going around
bullying people.
That will catch up with you.
People don't like.
People like to suffer, but theydon't like it to be that
obvious and they don't like itto come from somebody that
they're gonna encounter againwhich they will, because the
world is small and life is longand people will get back at you.
(12:45):
Upends will come if you just goaround hurting people for no
reason, but it's interesting tojust observe what happens when
you put yourself first, last andalways.
First of all, it will benefitpeople around.
Nobody likes a people pleaserbecause nobody respects anyone
(13:10):
if they don't know who thatperson is, who they are, what
they stand for, what they value,what they really want.
If it's just someone kissingtheir asses, you don't know who
that person is, they're amystery and likely useless in a
combat scenario.
Whereas if you put yourselffirst and you're well-defined,
(13:34):
which comes from a practicedselfishness which, if you're
really doing it well andspending an hour a day every day
for 90 days really cultivatinga practice of self-centeredness,
you will become much morewell-defined.
It will be easier for people toknow if they like you or not
(13:57):
and they will respect you forrespecting yourself and adding
some individuality and flavor tothe world and inspiring them,
because there's nothing quitelike the thrill of having
someone with true self-love andself-confidence and independence
(14:17):
of thought on your side.
When that person has your back,you'll feel invincible.
It can be intoxicating forneurotics, but also a learning
experience, because you mayprovoke envy.
But envy is just seeing whatyou want.
It's like window shopping.
(14:38):
If people are envious, you'rean example of what they can
become and what is latent withinthem, because you can't really
observe something if it's notwithin you.
You just won't recognize it,you won't pick it up.
So you will be doing people afavor if you put yourself first
and you're classy and discreetabout it and you're not just
(15:03):
wounded or trying to reenactsome scenario where you got hurt
in the past in the vain hopethat you can change the
circumstances of that event.
But if you are really puttingyourself first, you're doing the
world a solid and a mitzvah andgood things will come to you
(15:24):
and also life will get veryinteresting.
Going back to revenge you won'twant to get revenge anymore.
I mean it may be a reflexivething that you think about when
your anger flares up, but if youlook at the way that apex
(15:48):
predators deal withquote-unquote justice, it's not
punishing bad deeds, it istaking a practical approach to
dealing with a glitch in thematrix.
Like it's been said, if a poorperson steals a loaf of bread,
(16:11):
that person has committed acrime.
If someone steals $500 millionout of the banking system, that
person has started aconversation.
Because why would you put thatperson in a box?
That person has useful skills.
That is someone you want onyour side.
(16:34):
That person has guts to dosomething that risky.
Let's talk.
Let's talk.
Let's see what we can do foreach other when we join forces
(16:55):
for our mutual self-interest,because in some cases you
encounter a very powerful person.
Forming an alliance is thething to do.
But, once again, it is almostnever a good idea to trust
anyone and, yes, that can seemlike a lonely existence.
If you're used to leaning onthe people around you, there are
(17:20):
going to be some growing painsinvolved with separating
yourself.
But when you do, when you canlive withoutem and status, that
will come your way.
Perhaps it kind of depends.
(17:55):
It's a mystery and that'swhat's exciting about embracing
that lifestyle.
So, if you have the stomach forit, give it a shot.
If it turns out that you'rejust too good to pull it off,
then you can always come back.
(18:16):
That can be your littlepredatory rumspringa.
So, between you and whoever wason that trip with you, you can
rejoin the group if that's whatis more comfortable for you.
You really give it a good faith.
(18:36):
Try to be un-good, slightlyevil, practical and
self-interested in a healthy way.
Try it and see what happens.
(19:27):
I have been asked to contributemy thoughts, my advice, any
unique wisdom and insights thatI might have pertaining to the
subject of dealing with grief,the pain of loss, loss of a
(19:49):
family member, older or younger.
We almost inevitably lose ourolder family members, many of
them the ones significantlyolder than us parents,
grandparents, aunts, uncles andthe like.
Most of us will survive to burythe people who brought us into
(20:12):
the world and shaped ourcharacters and our quirks and
gave us the attachment woundsthat have made our lives so very
melodramatically fascinating.
We will have to say goodbye tothose people in all likelihood
during the course of our lives.
(20:33):
During the course of our lives,losing younger relatives, I'm
told, is much more acutelypainful.
Nick Cave has had to do it twice.
Seems to have, I knowcorrelation definitely ain't
(20:57):
causation in this case, but fromobserving his creative output,
his Red Hand Files newsletter,some of his recent artistic
efforts, he has developed anoverflowing compassion for
humanity, much more than I hadobserved.
(21:17):
As a long-term follower of hiswork In the past, I always
seemed a little prickly.
I grew up in the South and Iwas told he was reluctant to
tour there.
I have a vague memory of BillyCorgan going around interviewing
people that were on the 94Lollapalooza tour for MTV, and
(21:44):
one of them was Nick Cave.
Corgan asked him how does itfeel to be the token British act
on the tour?
Token British act on the tour?
Cave replied I'm Australian andtook off and fielded no more
questions.
It was never my impression thathe was overflowing with Andrew
(22:10):
WK levels of desire forinspiring, motivational
interaction with his fans, butthat all seems to have changed
over the last five to ten yearsand I can't help but wonder if
that has something to do withthe profound grief of losing not
(22:33):
one but two of his children.
Not saying that was a good thing, but you fill in the blank.
I don't know if this is thebest of all possible worlds, but
(22:53):
I know it's the one we got.
There's nothing that we have tocompare it to.
So if you are unhappy with theworld as it is, what are you
comparing it to?
What is your idea of how theworld could be better?
(23:16):
Where is that coming from?
Is it fiction?
Come on, we are all adults here.
Is it your imagination?
Again, you should.
By the time you get out ofcollege.
The only point of having yourimagination is using it to make
money.
So you should do that and makeenough money that you won't be
(23:37):
sad anymore.
Surely you can do that.
We attract the creative andtenacious listenership of
hustlers.
Everybody in Los Angeles hasfive different side hustles
going just in order to scrapeout a living here.
So we're going to get to thatin a little bit.
(24:01):
The point is joy is yourbirthright.
You were at the top of agraduating class.
Half of your DNA came from thevery finest swimmer among
millions of sperm cells in onenut.
(24:22):
You were the best.
Half of you was a result ofthat and the other half was from
an egg, which is a wonderfulthing.
You have no excuse for feelingsorry for yourself.
You were born to experiencepleasure.
If you look around in theanimal kingdom, living creatures
(24:48):
gravitate to joy.
Plants face the sun, cats curlup and fall asleep in a ray of
sunlight in the warmth.
Some believe that life is abrutal Darwinian struggle for
survival?
I wouldn't say that it's not.
I would say that's part ofexperiencing joy.
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Joy In my experience,procrastination and resistance
and weak behavior, deferring myresponsibilities, not getting
done the things that I have toldothers that I would get done,
that I'm obligated to get done,not completing the work that I
(25:34):
promised myself.
I can't experience realhappiness if I don't struggle to
some extent for my survival andsuccess.
And after I do that, when Ihave something to celebrate,
(26:02):
that's when I experience joy.
Addiction becomes a problem whenyou drink or rack up consumer
debt or rail lines ofincreasingly cut cocaine.
As time goes on and theaddiction progresses, it's going
to have a lot more rat poisonin it.
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If you do those things when youare unhappy, that is the
problematic behavior.
If you are celebrating a jobwell done, an achievement, well
deserved good fortune, properlycapitalized on, celebration
(26:46):
cannot hurt you but will ratherenhance the experience of
victory, of victory.
So I believe that to the extentthat there is a struggle for
survival and clearly there isthat is to enhance the
(27:07):
experience of joy, to let usknow that we deserve it.
You have to actively screw up tonot experience joy.
It's what we're born to do.
It's what we're good at.
We've already made it this farjust by virtue of birth Again,
(27:31):
the unlikeliest of happenstances.
Mathematically speaking, thatwas the most hard work that
we've done and the most luckthat we really need to have was
just getting out of the nutsackin the inside of one of our
(27:56):
parents.
I was a cesarean section baby.
There's a whole mythology youcan read about it online about
how C-section babies tend tokind of float through life
Adrift, lacking in mission andpurpose, and the hypothesis is
(28:17):
that that has something to dowith the fact that their lives
did not begin with an epicstruggle and journey.
That, having experienced that,we are primed and ready for
anything.
(28:38):
So if you're a C-section baby,as I am, I would encourage you
to find something difficult anddo it.
Find a dragon to slay, a questto complete, and then you will
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know your own strength andexperience the joy that you were
born to experience, and thatwill certainly outweigh any
feelings of sadness or anger orfear, or fear of death, dread of
loss, pain, having experiencedloss, any of those weaker
(29:25):
emotions.
Nothing will ever feel as bad assimply feeling alive when you
wake up.
In the morning feels good whenyou wake up in the morning,
feels good.
That's what I would say is thebest way to lay the groundwork
for grief.
Just make sure that you aredoing it to it on a daily basis.
(29:46):
To the victor go the spoils.
So just put some wins on theboard in advance of any sort of
loss that you may have tosustain.
Certainly there will besomething.
We get dumped, rejected, fired.
(30:10):
Bad things happen, deserved,and things that are simply bad
luck.
I don't think that.
Well, I believe that everythinghappens as a result of a long,
almost endless chain ofcausality that we never have any
real hope of fullyunderstanding.
So, in that way, things happenfor a reason, but I don't think
(30:31):
it's to teach us a lessonnecessarily, although you can
usually put your imagination towork and find a lesson to be
learned.
Just use the thing that ismaking you think that things
should be better and use it tomake things better.
(30:52):
Make things better.
If you are sad or you feel bador you're grieving, the first
(31:14):
thing you can do is to not dothat.
Don't feel bad.
It's a reaction, a result ofnot having the proper controls
to modulate one's thoughts, andthere are different ways to
acquire those Some people do.
Meditation, cognitivebehavioral therapy is about
(31:35):
changing thoughts with the goalof changing feelings.
That works for a lot of people.
Neurolinguistic programming isone thing.
There are all sorts ofmodalities that exist that you
can do every day for an hour aday for 90 days, and you will
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feel better if you take itseriously and lean into it.
So the fact that you're feelingbad means that you're not
really trying to not feel bad,which is the first step toward
feeling good.
If you can't control yourthoughts, then whose thoughts
are they?
Do you exist?
Obviously you do.
(32:18):
You're listening to this.
You get in your personal effectsand find your driver's license,
perhaps a birth certificate ora social security card somewhere
in a cluttered desk drawer witha bunch of cell phone chargers
(32:40):
from back when you had anAndroid before you acquired an
iPhone.
A civilized person.
You're here, so you have agencyand the thoughts are yours, so
you can choose them.
So think different thoughts andfeel differently.
(33:00):
Don't feel bad, or at leastfeel bad in a more interesting
way.
If that doesn't work, you haveto resort to action, which again
is something to be encouraged.
The next step would be to figureout the exact nature of the
loss by doing an inventory, muchas if you were reporting your
(33:24):
grief on your taxes.
Just itemize what was lost, puta value on it for purposes of
quantification and comparison.
Quantification is not a perfectparadigm for measuring value,
but it's what we have in thisworld and this is the world we
have.
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So figure out what you lostexactly in real numbers and
replace it.
Get to work on findingsomething of equivalent or
greater value, which also shouldnot be too challenging.
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After all, you have made itthis far.
You are not hallucinating this.
You are alive.
You are a free agent, or youbelieve that you're a free agent
to the extent that it's useful.
Understanding those chains ofcausality and getting all tied
(34:30):
up on the hard problem of humanconsciousness and the debate
over free will is a waste oftime, particularly when you have
a loss to replace.
So figure out what you lost andfind something else that makes
you as happy or happier.
You can determine how that willwork based on statistical
(34:58):
analysis and in the meantime,because it may take a while, if
it's something that has to beshipped and you don't have next
day delivery, you may begrieving for at least another
week, perhaps the better part ofa month if you live in some
(35:22):
far-flung locale where the mailservice is not good.
So if you must continue togrieve, I would do it solo.
Don't spread the bad vibes.
Don't become known as thegriever in your social group.
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That's a bad look.
There's nothing to be despisedso much as self-pity followed by
excessive apologies the onething that you should feel sorry
for and perhaps apologize foronce.
(36:09):
Everybody feels bad once in awhile, much as everyone
defecates on a prettysemi-regular basis, depending on
(36:30):
the state of your physicalhealth.
You don't have to do it infront of other people, even if
it's difficult.
It in front of other people.
Even if it's difficult.
The graceful thing is to keepyour own counsel on such matters
.
No bad vibes.
You will be glad that you keptit to yourself when it's over,
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which inevitably it will bePerhaps sooner than you think.
It may take a while, but give ittime.
That's the only thing thatreally helps, and it does
inevitably On a long enoughtimeline.
Everything changes.
Nothing is impermanent.
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Be like water Change is theonly constant is impermanent.
And be like water Change is theonly constant.
If you don't like what you'redoing, do something else.
Oh, you're already doingsomething else and you're even a
slightly different person,because nothing remains static
In this, the one world that wehave, which is, in fact, many
worlds, as determined by recentfindings in quantum physics and
(37:39):
the fact that it's alreadychanged billions of millions of
trillions of times just in theinterval in which we have had
this discussion.
So give it time.
You have within yourconstitution a powerful inner
healer that knows what you need,that delivers it when you need
(38:02):
it, and you will heal.
This is true of almost anything.
If you jump off a building andyou don't die, maybe you break a
few bones.
If you just stay there for longenough and you're not found by
(38:27):
carnivores, you will eventuallyheal.
That's just how it works.
That is the magic of thepassage of time, working in
harmony and in concert with yourpowerful inner healer.
So just be patient.
Things will inevitably getbetter.
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You don't even really have to doanything, although I would
recommend staying busy.
That is putting wins on theboard.
That is earning your positivefeelings.
So get to work, get someaggressive hobbies, do some
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creative work, volunteerwhatever you have the strength
for.
Cat shelters could always usean extra pair of hands If you
can, if you are not in factlying in the sun with broken
bones patiently waiting to healfrom an inopportune fall from a
(39:35):
height that was great enough towound you but not kill you.
If you have the strength to getin the mix and make things
happen, get busy that is anotherthing that will help, because
that is another thing that weare born to do on our way to
experiencing our birthright ofjoy, freedom from suffering and
(40:00):
sorrow, which we can achieveprovided that we don't screw it
up and we must, because we mustbe strong for others.
If nothing else cheers you up,it should cheer you up to know
how miserable so many otherpeople in the world are, much
(40:20):
more than you, much more thanyou have any concept of the hurt
people hurt people and the hurtpeople that hurt.
You are likely hurting morethan you could possibly
understand.
That should make you feelbetter.
Just think of your enemysuffering.
That should cheer you up.
(40:41):
If that's not working, or ifyour enemy is not, if upence has
not come for that person yet,then consider the suffering
that's all around, all of thepeople who suffer, some better,
more gracefully and effectivelythan others.
There's always a lot ofsuffering.
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That should cheer you up, ifonly by contrast.
So to review in summary, this isthe world we've got and it is
thus perfect because we have nomeaningful point of comparison.
If you do, then you are a childand you need to get out of your
(41:27):
own head and into the realworld and stop complaining,
because joy is your birthright.
Because joy is your birthright,it's what you were born to do
and experience.
And the only way to not be morehappy than you will ever be sad
when you are happy is to screwit up or get lazy or just don't
(41:51):
do the work.
If you work on yourself and youdo the work, it will work and
you will experience joy, becauseit's right there for the taking
and it's what we naturallygravitate to.
There's lots of Whatever youneed around for the getting
(42:11):
Abundance.
Keep that in mind as a mindset.
Cultivate the habit ofcorrecting any scarcity thinking
and turning it into abundance,thinking through the alchemy of
the power of your mind.
If you feel bad, don't.
There's really no excuse.
(42:32):
Just don't feel bad.
No, don't even worry about notfeeling bad.
Don't think of it in like adon't.
Do this way because your brainjust hears feel bad and it
screws you up.
Feel good, have a positiveintention, not a negative, away
motivation, find something to goto and do that instead of
(42:59):
feeling bad.
And if you are feeling bad as aresult of a loss whether it's a
loss of status, loss of love andsexual congress and sexual
congress, loss of the continuitythat comes from long-term
friendships or relations offamily, the material support and
sustenance and status andself-confidence that come from
(43:24):
having respectable employment,all of the tax breaks and other
advantages of marriage, or ifyou just lost the paperweight
that you happen to love, figureout what it was worth and
replace it If you think thatit's priceless.
(43:46):
You're bad at math Get better,do better.
You're bad at math, get better,do better.
And while you're in the processof grieving, if that's
necessary, try to get it induring your you time.
Do it alone.
You'll be glad you did.
You won't have to feel weirdabout it later on when you're
(44:10):
not grieving anymore.
But you grieved all over peopleand now it's just kind of
awkward.
You won't have to worry aboutthat if you do it yourself and
it won't be forever.
Although it will feel like ithas no beginning and no end.
It will not be forever.
Simply give it.
Time will not be forever.
(44:37):
Simply give it time.
Whatever you're dealing withwill come to its natural and
inevitable conclusion on a longenough timeline.
So if nothing else works, bepatient.
Read Seneca or meditate, maybelift, do some cardio.
(45:00):
Watch a movie, because allmovies are required to be like
six and a half hours long now.
So if you go see a movie in atheater, that will be
essentially not immersiveexperience.
(45:21):
That's where you go into a barand a bunch of characters start
talking to you and try to dragyou into their business.
But it will be.
You can lose yourself.
If you're watching a good movieand if it's a long movie,
you'll have the comforts of themovie theater for the duration
(45:43):
of the film and that will burnup some of your grieving time.
Burn up some of your grievingtime.
You will be.
Whatever the length of Babylonis, you will be that much closer
to feeling good again when it'sover and perhaps satiated.
Popcorn and snacks.
(46:03):
Or you can go to one of thenewfangled meaning like 1990s
fangled theaters that servesfull meals of entrees and greasy
fries that you can dip intocheese sauce and you can have a
beer.
That's fine, even if you'refeeling bad.
(46:25):
One beer is not going to damageyou.
So give it time.
Figure out something to do withyour time, whether it's
productive or replenishing.
Just give it time.
It will not last forever.
(46:46):
At some point you will die.
You will probably feel betterbefore that happens, because
that's, with any luck, that willnot happen for a long time.
In the meantime, be strong forothers.
There are a lot of people whoare suffering more than you, who
have endured hardships that youhave no concept of or just
(47:10):
simply of weaker constitution orwill lean on you because they
don't know how to find their ownpower and their own motivation,
and you must be strong for them.
I guess community is what keepsus going and their suffering
(47:33):
should cheer you up, if only bycontrast, because community is
what keeps us going and theirsuffering should cheer you up if
only by contrast, because youwill realize that you are not
really suffering if you're usingthe right metrics to determine
how you feel and again,quantification is your friend
and you should get busy.
(47:53):
In the meantime, figure outsomething to apply yourself to.
Surely there's something youcan do.
There's so much work to be done.
Almost anything you could do isgoing to be more fun than
grieving, so figure outsomething else to do with this
time on your hands.
(48:16):
Do not make excuses for yourself, do not wallow in self-pity.
There's simply no reason to dothat.
When you have cultivated anabundance mindset and you're
used to chalking up those W's,you're just not going to waste
your time like that.
It's not even going to occur toyou much as you're not going to
(48:41):
waste any time thinking aboutor wish-casting that things were
somehow different.
This may not be the best of allpossible worlds.
There's no excuse for notworking to better the
(49:02):
circumstances of ourselves andothers around us, in our
immediate communities and aroundthe world.
But this is the world we got,and if we can't make ourselves
at home here, then hurry up andfigure out how to get into space
, or just drop so much acid thatyou are no longer grounded in
(49:25):
reality, and that's another wayto solve all of your problems at
once.
(49:49):
So, as you know, I've been doingquite a bit of work on myself
over this last little slice oftime.
Per your recommendation.
It was also something I wantedto do for myself for quite a
while.
In the past I'd done it formyself to better myself, so that
you would come back for myself,to better myself so that you
(50:10):
would come back.
But now I'm really doing it forme, all out, and so I'm not
going to tell you any of thelife-changing, earth-shaking
secrets that I've learned andthe process of that, because
(50:30):
it's just for me, it's not foryou.
I'm not trying to impress youor have any effect on your life
one way or the other.
I'm a free agent now and thatmeans I keep my own counsel.
So there were some profoundinsights and revelations that I
(50:52):
encountered in the process ofdoing this work and you will
find out about them.
They will become self-evidentin the next couple of years, I
would say on the outside.
Probably in the next three tosix months, you will start to
see some of these things beginto manifest and you may find
(51:18):
yourself ill-prepared.
But that's too bad, because I'mnot going to tell you, because
I'm doing this for me.
I did find one interestingthing which I can share, which I
will get back to.
I just put a pin in that likethere's a there's one really
(51:45):
important conclusion that doesaffect me in my life and people
around me, and at this pointthat includes you.
I hope that it will continue to.
At this point, that includesyou, I hope that it will
continue to in the future, andso I'll get back to that in a
moment.
And I also learned a lot aboutthe grieving process.
(52:06):
Time is really the only thing.
You basically pretend likeyou're not broken, like the
pleasure centers in your brainstill work, and you read books.
Perhaps you make art, you takewalks in nature, you go through
the artist's way by JuliaCameron at least once and do all
(52:27):
of the exercises, starting withthe morning pages exercise,
which is three pages longhandwriting every morning,
totaling 750 words.
She likes longhand.
I think using the computer isfine, that's what I'm used to,
and my hand cramps if I writelonghand and I can't read my own
(52:51):
handwriting.
Sometimes I like to go back andlook at some of the stuff that
I wrote, just out of archivalcuriosity more than anything
else.
If you start doing this asyou're going through the
grieving process which is howmany people get into it I did it
(53:14):
before in a similar situationof loss, grief, and now I'm
doing it again because I'mshocked at how I can, first of
all, still experience those bighigh school emotions, still
(53:37):
experience those big high schoolemotions, and also how much
more deeply profound this kindof loss feels when you are
headed into the back half ofyour life.
When you're in your early 20s,at least you have the
consolation of knowing thatyou're bulletproof and you're
going to live forever and youcan drink yourself half to death
on a regular basis and riskyour life in other ways and eat
(54:00):
Taco Bell five or six nights aweek and you will live to tell
the tale indefinitely.
As you get older, you start torealize that that's not how it's
going to be and that there is asense of finality to certain
(54:20):
experiences.
Life is, of course, full ofsurprises, even after the big
4-0,.
I think in some ways I'm muchwiser and better at a lot of
things than I was when I wasyounger.
I wish that I had thegroundedness and the presence
(54:43):
and just the ability to breathedeeply and the patience.
I think I would have enjoyed alot of things.
A lot more sex comes to mind.
That's the big one, but alsoall of the other things which
are all about that.
In one way or another.
Everything is about sex, exceptsex, which is about power,
(55:09):
which is what Oscar Wilde says,but he left out the fact that
power is about sex, so it's kindof an Ouroboros foliety itself.
Yeah, I did a bunch of work onmyself.
I tried a bunch of differenttreatment modalities.
(55:31):
There was a ceremony, a grieveit and leave it ceremony, where
I just put all of my badattached feelings onto an object
that I found on a nature hike,which in my case was a stick.
Some of the other people foundrocks, which turned out to be
(55:58):
fortuitous for them because,after making these things
symbolic of what we were tryingto get rid of, we disposed of
them by throwing them into alake nearby, and with rocks.
That was more dramatic thanwhat I got with the stick.
(56:19):
I didn't even get it in thewater the first time I had to go
down and I was frustrated, so Iactually broke it into a couple
of pieces.
But that was satisfying, moreso than anything else about the
ritual really, but it did makeme feel a little better at the
(56:40):
time and then I felt bad again.
But then I thought about thatand I thought about other things
I could do and I cleaned out myapartment.
I threw away almost everything,all the stuff that I'd been
hoarding, that I know is of novalue, and the stuff that is of
(57:02):
some value I put up for saleonline, which helped subsidize
my rather irresponsiblelifestyle for a couple of months
, and that felt pretty good.
It felt like a load off.
It felt like a break with thepast, a literal separation that
(57:25):
also served as a symbolic,metaphorical separation of just
getting rid of the baggage andgetting it gone, and that was
that occurred to me as a resultof the ritual, so it did serve
some purpose in the end.
(57:46):
There was also a lot ofscreaming and crying.
I had not cried for years, upuntil fairly recently, I think.
I just was.
I thought I was physicallyincapable of it.
I thought it was one of thosethings that I could only do when
I was drunk, and then I justlost the ability to do that.
(58:09):
I think it had more to do withjust all of the stuff that I was
repressing.
There was so much of that, somuch clenching and clinging
going on that I, I think I wasafraid that if I started to ugly
cry it would never stop, and itdid feel like that was the case
(58:32):
.
At one point I spent an entireweekend pretty much unable to go
outside without largesunglasses because I would start
crying.
I think I literally cried atthe drop of a hat, a small child
.
I was wearing his father'sbaseball cap, backwards, turned
(58:57):
around, with a brim in the back.
Of course I was too big for thekid and the center of gravity
was off.
It fell down onto oceanfrontwalk.
Oceanfront walk and that justhit me in a place that I didn't
(59:24):
expect, where I'd been holdingsomething that I'd just been
waiting to express and that itdid, fortunately.
It's very hard to be theweirdest person on Venice Beach.
If you're just walking aroundcrying.
That probably makes you in theconversation for one of the five
(59:49):
least remarkable people thatyou might encounter out there.
So it's not exactly privacy,but it's privacy in a crowd.
Anyway, I continued to do thework and I continue to challenge
(01:00:12):
myself, to challenge mynegative thinking and also to
hold myself to a higher standardin how I treat people and how I
behave, how I take care ofmyself, how I honor myself by
having nice things, investing innice clothes and nice
accessories and things thataren't disposable, razors that I
(01:00:39):
don't just cycle through orjust crap that I dig out of the
garbage not literally, butbasically in a sense, basically
In a sense.
But the big surprise that I wasgoing to tell you about is that
I'm still grieving, I stillfeel really bad.
(01:01:03):
I still feel bad in a way thatmakes me think that it is not
possible for me to ever feel asgood as I currently do bad, or
perhaps to ever feel good again.
And also, climate change ismuch further along than most
(01:01:26):
people care to discuss in politecompany.
We are thoroughly boned, Iwould say.
Miami has about six more months,so if you have been meaning to
go there, I would go.
I don't know if there's goingto be another Art Basel, so
(01:01:47):
maybe see what's going on downthere and check it out, because
that's time-limited, as iseverything else.
Everything is impermanent andeverything is more impermanent
than we thought.
This has been Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes on Khe Chong,
los Angeles, chinatown, 1630 AM.
(01:02:09):
Kchungradioorg.
I am Emerson Dameron.
I'm the host of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes
medicated-minutescom.
Levity saves lives.
Thank you.
Healing your broken heart from a nasty breakup can
take time, but it doesn't haveto.
These five quick and dirtyheart hacks will get your ass
back in the mix by today's closeof business.
Number one let it go.
Ghost them, block them oneverything.
Rewire your consciousness bysmoking psychedelic toad venom.
They're deader than thedinosaurs to you now, and if you
have kids together, you canalways get new ones.
(00:21):
Number two work out Lift weights.
Hit a bag.
You can always get new ones.
Number two work out Liftweights, hit a bag.
Run until you're in anothertime zone.
See if you can get a jobmurdering people.
Number three get to work.
Pick up five new side hustles.
Win a hot sauce contest and eata Carolina Reaper, just to feel
something.
Number four have sex.
Sex feels good and you need todo it today.
So lower your standards andenjoy the pure catharsis of hate
(00:44):
sex with idiots.
Number 5, be your own hero.
If you can swing all this inone day, imagine how it'll feel
in five years when you ascend toyour final godlike form.
Just remember when you fasttrack your grief, you stop
feeling sorry for yourself andstart feeling sorry for everyone
else.
(01:05):
Nothing is so dangerous as anignorant friend, a wise enemy is
to be preferred, the wise andprescient words of the French
fabulist and poet Jean de laFontaine.
What that means is trust.
(01:41):
Issues might be painful,uncomfortable, may seem like an
unpleasant alternative to justassuming the best, assuming that
people have your back.
But they are in fact a goodstart in the direction that you
want to go in, which is nottrusting anyone ever, for any
reason.
People will screw you over.
If you're lucky, they'll do iton purpose.
(02:03):
If not, they'll do it onpurpose.
If not, they'll do it byaccident.
At the points whereincompetence is
indistinguishable from malice inthe damage that it can do.
People that are good atinflicting harm to get what they
(02:23):
want, that use targeted strikes, that try to be classy about it
so they don't risk vengeance,will likely leave you in better
shape than, for instance, clumsyfriends.
Clumsy friends, the incompetentlovers who ask too much or too
(02:49):
little, the bosses that exploityou and think that they're doing
you a favor.
You're better off with realenemies than fake friends.
I am Emerson Dameron.
You're better off with realenemies than fake friends.
I am Emerson Dameron.
(03:09):
I'm your one true friend.
I also have a host of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes.
The program that you'relistening to on K-Chung, los
Angeles 1630 AM.
(03:40):
Kchungradioorgmedicated-minutes is the site
for this show, which I produce,create and star in through the
power of my own hard work andcharisma.
I would never describe myself asa sociopath.
I think if I were, I would findsomething better to do than
this.
There aren't that manysociopaths and the world is
optimized for them, so theyreally have no excuse for not
running it.
I would say if you can work onthat level with regards to other
(04:10):
people, you should.
I don't see a significantdownside.
If you're not going toexperience guilt over it, then
really what's the risk?
You risk treating people poorly, but that's what most people
want, obviously.
Just look at the way that theybehave and treat themselves.
(04:33):
Treating people well is just aninvitation for them to hurt you
and the confusion that resultsfrom that.
Treat them like garbage andthey'll feel right at home and
they'll respect you for havingthe guts to do that.
(04:54):
I'm not.
That's not really my thing.
I talk a big game on the show,but I've been referred to as a
pussycat in person.
I think that's just because Idon't like to bring a whole lot
of conflict on myself.
My nervous system has taken abeating over the last few years.
(05:16):
I'm prone to depression andcomorbid anxiety.
I don't like to create a lot ofstatic or drama in my life for
no reason.
I've had one or two experienceswhere I took revenge or
attempted to take petty revengeon someone I thought had harmed
(05:39):
me, and it was never satisfyingin the way that I thought it
would be.
And we're talking pretty minorstuff Like, for instance, I've
been in bad jobs that I reallyhated, and it's always difficult
for me to enjoy life whilehating my job.
It tends to bleed over.
So you know I've had sustainedperiods of consistent
(06:04):
frustration and unhappiness as aresult of conditions in my
place of employment and I'vefantasized for months or in some
cases years about quitting andtwisting the knife while doing
it.
I don't usually follow throughon that.
(06:26):
In the cases where I have evencome close or even intimated
that I might do any harm tosomeone I thought had wronged me
, it never feels good the waythat I fantasize that it will.
(06:46):
It's not worth the trouble.
It doesn't really accomplishanything.
I do have a ritual for quittinga job, which is that on my way
to quit a job I will listen toAyers' soundtrack for the Sofia
Coppola film the Virgin Suicides.
That's a ritual that I'vemaintained now since I think it
(07:12):
began in 2010.
And I've quit a number of jobsand other obligations since then
.
It's always the journey to thepoint where that is going to
happen, which now I guess itmight happen on Zoom most of the
time.
(07:32):
But if it's going to happen ina physical location, which is
generally to be preferred whendelivering bad news, just to
show you have the nerve to do it, I will always listen to Air's
Virgin Suicide soundtrack on theway to do it.
I will always listen to Ayer'sVirgin Suicide soundtrack on the
way to do that, and that'sreally the most glamour or
(07:53):
razzle-dazzle that I ever putinto that process.
Usually, I just want to GTFO asquickly as possible and get on
with my life and experience.
That feeling of leaving a badsituation that suddenly, even if
it had been going on for years,feels like it never happened.
(08:13):
It just becomes another funnyanecdote in your arsenal.
That's really what I want.
I don't want to create a bunchof problems for myself.
And yet the world is optimizedfor sociopathy and there are a
lot of fake wannabe sociopaths,typically people who have been
(08:37):
badly hurt and want revengeAgain.
Going back to that, which is adangerous game Doing things out
of spite, unless you're doing itjust for yourself.
Spite is a wonderful catalystfor getting things done.
It can generate rip-roaringcomedy if you're a writer.
(09:00):
It also helped me earn mybachelor's degree because I just
wanted to not have to go backto college.
I just wanted to get out andget a victory over those forces
and just not have to do it again.
(09:21):
And by the end of my senioryear it was pure spite that was
driving me on and it worked.
I have a bachelor's degree, soI'm qualified to be a bachelor,
which I'm divorced, so I guessI'm a born-again bachelor now
(09:42):
and that degree is coming inquite handy.
Born-again bachelor now, andthat degree is coming in quite
handy.
If you are not a sociopath andyou're hardwiring, it is
generally unwise to pretend, asyou will almost certainly be
eaten alive by the genuinearticle.
When you encounter such aperson.
(10:02):
There's nothing they hate morethan wannabes.
The whole advantage of being asociopath is that it's a lonely
business because you can'treally talk about it and there
aren't that many of them.
They don't tend to socializewith one another.
It's hyper-competitive but notas competitive as it would be if
(10:26):
anyone could just decide tojoin that club.
So don't pretend.
If you don't have the stomachfor it, don't even try.
But If you don't try, how doyou know?
(10:48):
Because you're a good person,how do you know that?
What test have you put that to?
Are you just a good person byomission of things that would be
considered evil or less thangood?
If you're doing good thingsbecause you want to, that's one
(11:12):
thing.
If you're in fact justprotecting yourself or trying to
ingratiate yourself or givingto get, I would say you haven't
experimented with evil.
And my advice to you would bemy advice to any child who is
(11:33):
curious about something orwanted to try something, which
would be try it and see whathappens.
As long as you and everyoneelse is safe or reasonably safe,
nothing is ever without risk.
But experiment with it.
And that doesn't mean hurtingpeople just to hurt people.
(11:55):
That is not practical behavior.
In most cases.
Cases I prefer to hurt peoplewho long for it in exactly the
ways that will most help them.
That's my own business.
(12:22):
I don't see any point in justungracefully going around
bullying people.
That will catch up with you.
People don't like.
People like to suffer, but theydon't like it to be that
obvious and they don't like itto come from somebody that
they're gonna encounter againwhich they will, because the
world is small and life is longand people will get back at you.
(12:45):
Upends will come if you just goaround hurting people for no
reason, but it's interesting tojust observe what happens when
you put yourself first, last andalways.
First of all, it will benefitpeople around.
Nobody likes a people pleaserbecause nobody respects anyone
(13:10):
if they don't know who thatperson is, who they are, what
they stand for, what they value,what they really want.
If it's just someone kissingtheir asses, you don't know who
that person is, they're amystery and likely useless in a
combat scenario.
Whereas if you put yourselffirst and you're well-defined,
(13:34):
which comes from a practicedselfishness which, if you're
really doing it well andspending an hour a day every day
for 90 days really cultivatinga practice of self-centeredness,
you will become much morewell-defined.
It will be easier for people toknow if they like you or not
(13:57):
and they will respect you forrespecting yourself and adding
some individuality and flavor tothe world and inspiring them,
because there's nothing quitelike the thrill of having
someone with true self-love andself-confidence and independence
(14:17):
of thought on your side.
When that person has your back,you'll feel invincible.
It can be intoxicating forneurotics, but also a learning
experience, because you mayprovoke envy.
But envy is just seeing whatyou want.
It's like window shopping.
(14:38):
If people are envious, you'rean example of what they can
become and what is latent withinthem, because you can't really
observe something if it's notwithin you.
You just won't recognize it,you won't pick it up.
So you will be doing people afavor if you put yourself first
and you're classy and discreetabout it and you're not just
(15:03):
wounded or trying to reenactsome scenario where you got hurt
in the past in the vain hopethat you can change the
circumstances of that event.
But if you are really puttingyourself first, you're doing the
world a solid and a mitzvah andgood things will come to you
(15:24):
and also life will get veryinteresting.
Going back to revenge you won'twant to get revenge anymore.
I mean it may be a reflexivething that you think about when
your anger flares up, but if youlook at the way that apex
(15:48):
predators deal withquote-unquote justice, it's not
punishing bad deeds, it istaking a practical approach to
dealing with a glitch in thematrix.
Like it's been said, if a poorperson steals a loaf of bread,
(16:11):
that person has committed acrime.
If someone steals $500 millionout of the banking system, that
person has started aconversation.
Because why would you put thatperson in a box?
That person has useful skills.
That is someone you want onyour side.
(16:34):
That person has guts to dosomething that risky.
Let's talk.
Let's talk.
Let's see what we can do foreach other when we join forces
(16:55):
for our mutual self-interest,because in some cases you
encounter a very powerful person.
Forming an alliance is thething to do.
But, once again, it is almostnever a good idea to trust
anyone and, yes, that can seemlike a lonely existence.
If you're used to leaning onthe people around you, there are
(17:20):
going to be some growing painsinvolved with separating
yourself.
But when you do, when you canlive withoutem and status, that
will come your way.
Perhaps it kind of depends.
(17:55):
It's a mystery and that'swhat's exciting about embracing
that lifestyle.
So, if you have the stomach forit, give it a shot.
If it turns out that you'rejust too good to pull it off,
then you can always come back.
(18:16):
That can be your littlepredatory rumspringa.
So, between you and whoever wason that trip with you, you can
rejoin the group if that's whatis more comfortable for you.
You really give it a good faith.
(18:36):
Try to be un-good, slightlyevil, practical and
self-interested in a healthy way.
Try it and see what happens.
(19:27):
I have been asked to contributemy thoughts, my advice, any
unique wisdom and insights thatI might have pertaining to the
subject of dealing with grief,the pain of loss, loss of a
(19:49):
family member, older or younger.
We almost inevitably lose ourolder family members, many of
them the ones significantlyolder than us parents,
grandparents, aunts, uncles andthe like.
Most of us will survive to burythe people who brought us into
(20:12):
the world and shaped ourcharacters and our quirks and
gave us the attachment woundsthat have made our lives so very
melodramatically fascinating.
We will have to say goodbye tothose people in all likelihood
during the course of our lives.
(20:33):
During the course of our lives,losing younger relatives, I'm
told, is much more acutelypainful.
Nick Cave has had to do it twice.
Seems to have, I knowcorrelation definitely ain't
(20:57):
causation in this case, but fromobserving his creative output,
his Red Hand Files newsletter,some of his recent artistic
efforts, he has developed anoverflowing compassion for
humanity, much more than I hadobserved.
(21:17):
As a long-term follower of hiswork In the past, I always
seemed a little prickly.
I grew up in the South and Iwas told he was reluctant to
tour there.
I have a vague memory of BillyCorgan going around interviewing
people that were on the 94Lollapalooza tour for MTV, and
(21:44):
one of them was Nick Cave.
Corgan asked him how does itfeel to be the token British act
on the tour?
Token British act on the tour?
Cave replied I'm Australian andtook off and fielded no more
questions.
It was never my impression thathe was overflowing with Andrew
(22:10):
WK levels of desire forinspiring, motivational
interaction with his fans, butthat all seems to have changed
over the last five to ten yearsand I can't help but wonder if
that has something to do withthe profound grief of losing not
(22:33):
one but two of his children.
Not saying that was a good thing, but you fill in the blank.
I don't know if this is thebest of all possible worlds, but
(22:53):
I know it's the one we got.
There's nothing that we have tocompare it to.
So if you are unhappy with theworld as it is, what are you
comparing it to?
What is your idea of how theworld could be better?
(23:16):
Where is that coming from?
Is it fiction?
Come on, we are all adults here.
Is it your imagination?
Again, you should.
By the time you get out ofcollege.
The only point of having yourimagination is using it to make
money.
So you should do that and makeenough money that you won't be
(23:37):
sad anymore.
Surely you can do that.
We attract the creative andtenacious listenership of
hustlers.
Everybody in Los Angeles hasfive different side hustles
going just in order to scrapeout a living here.
So we're going to get to thatin a little bit.
(24:01):
The point is joy is yourbirthright.
You were at the top of agraduating class.
Half of your DNA came from thevery finest swimmer among
millions of sperm cells in onenut.
(24:22):
You were the best.
Half of you was a result ofthat and the other half was from
an egg, which is a wonderfulthing.
You have no excuse for feelingsorry for yourself.
You were born to experiencepleasure.
If you look around in theanimal kingdom, living creatures
(24:48):
gravitate to joy.
Plants face the sun, cats curlup and fall asleep in a ray of
sunlight in the warmth.
Some believe that life is abrutal Darwinian struggle for
survival?
I wouldn't say that it's not.
I would say that's part ofexperiencing joy.
(25:11):
Joy In my experience,procrastination and resistance
and weak behavior, deferring myresponsibilities, not getting
done the things that I have toldothers that I would get done,
that I'm obligated to get done,not completing the work that I
(25:34):
promised myself.
I can't experience realhappiness if I don't struggle to
some extent for my survival andsuccess.
And after I do that, when Ihave something to celebrate,
(26:02):
that's when I experience joy.
Addiction becomes a problem whenyou drink or rack up consumer
debt or rail lines ofincreasingly cut cocaine.
As time goes on and theaddiction progresses, it's going
to have a lot more rat poisonin it.
(26:22):
If you do those things when youare unhappy, that is the
problematic behavior.
If you are celebrating a jobwell done, an achievement, well
deserved good fortune, properlycapitalized on, celebration
(26:46):
cannot hurt you but will ratherenhance the experience of
victory, of victory.
So I believe that to the extentthat there is a struggle for
survival and clearly there isthat is to enhance the
(27:07):
experience of joy, to let usknow that we deserve it.
You have to actively screw up tonot experience joy.
It's what we're born to do.
It's what we're good at.
We've already made it this farjust by virtue of birth Again,
(27:31):
the unlikeliest of happenstances.
Mathematically speaking, thatwas the most hard work that
we've done and the most luckthat we really need to have was
just getting out of the nutsackin the inside of one of our
(27:56):
parents.
I was a cesarean section baby.
There's a whole mythology youcan read about it online about
how C-section babies tend tokind of float through life
Adrift, lacking in mission andpurpose, and the hypothesis is
(28:17):
that that has something to dowith the fact that their lives
did not begin with an epicstruggle and journey.
That, having experienced that,we are primed and ready for
anything.
(28:38):
So if you're a C-section baby,as I am, I would encourage you
to find something difficult anddo it.
Find a dragon to slay, a questto complete, and then you will
(29:01):
know your own strength andexperience the joy that you were
born to experience, and thatwill certainly outweigh any
feelings of sadness or anger orfear, or fear of death, dread of
loss, pain, having experiencedloss, any of those weaker
(29:25):
emotions.
Nothing will ever feel as bad assimply feeling alive when you
wake up.
In the morning feels good whenyou wake up in the morning,
feels good.
That's what I would say is thebest way to lay the groundwork
for grief.
Just make sure that you aredoing it to it on a daily basis.
(29:46):
To the victor go the spoils.
So just put some wins on theboard in advance of any sort of
loss that you may have tosustain.
Certainly there will besomething.
We get dumped, rejected, fired.
(30:10):
Bad things happen, deserved,and things that are simply bad
luck.
I don't think that.
Well, I believe that everythinghappens as a result of a long,
almost endless chain ofcausality that we never have any
real hope of fullyunderstanding.
So, in that way, things happenfor a reason, but I don't think
(30:31):
it's to teach us a lessonnecessarily, although you can
usually put your imagination towork and find a lesson to be
learned.
Just use the thing that ismaking you think that things
should be better and use it tomake things better.
(30:52):
Make things better.
If you are sad or you feel bador you're grieving, the first
(31:14):
thing you can do is to not dothat.
Don't feel bad.
It's a reaction, a result ofnot having the proper controls
to modulate one's thoughts, andthere are different ways to
acquire those Some people do.
Meditation, cognitivebehavioral therapy is about
(31:35):
changing thoughts with the goalof changing feelings.
That works for a lot of people.
Neurolinguistic programming isone thing.
There are all sorts ofmodalities that exist that you
can do every day for an hour aday for 90 days, and you will
(31:58):
feel better if you take itseriously and lean into it.
So the fact that you're feelingbad means that you're not
really trying to not feel bad,which is the first step toward
feeling good.
If you can't control yourthoughts, then whose thoughts
are they?
Do you exist?
Obviously you do.
(32:18):
You're listening to this.
You get in your personal effectsand find your driver's license,
perhaps a birth certificate ora social security card somewhere
in a cluttered desk drawer witha bunch of cell phone chargers
(32:40):
from back when you had anAndroid before you acquired an
iPhone.
A civilized person.
You're here, so you have agencyand the thoughts are yours, so
you can choose them.
So think different thoughts andfeel differently.
(33:00):
Don't feel bad, or at leastfeel bad in a more interesting
way.
If that doesn't work, you haveto resort to action, which again
is something to be encouraged.
The next step would be to figureout the exact nature of the
loss by doing an inventory, muchas if you were reporting your
(33:24):
grief on your taxes.
Just itemize what was lost, puta value on it for purposes of
quantification and comparison.
Quantification is not a perfectparadigm for measuring value,
but it's what we have in thisworld and this is the world we
have.
(33:44):
So figure out what you lostexactly in real numbers and
replace it.
Get to work on findingsomething of equivalent or
greater value, which also shouldnot be too challenging.
(34:06):
After all, you have made itthis far.
You are not hallucinating this.
You are alive.
You are a free agent, or youbelieve that you're a free agent
to the extent that it's useful.
Understanding those chains ofcausality and getting all tied
(34:30):
up on the hard problem of humanconsciousness and the debate
over free will is a waste oftime, particularly when you have
a loss to replace.
So figure out what you lost andfind something else that makes
you as happy or happier.
You can determine how that willwork based on statistical
(34:58):
analysis and in the meantime,because it may take a while, if
it's something that has to beshipped and you don't have next
day delivery, you may begrieving for at least another
week, perhaps the better part ofa month if you live in some
(35:22):
far-flung locale where the mailservice is not good.
So if you must continue togrieve, I would do it solo.
Don't spread the bad vibes.
Don't become known as thegriever in your social group.
(35:49):
That's a bad look.
There's nothing to be despisedso much as self-pity followed by
excessive apologies the onething that you should feel sorry
for and perhaps apologize foronce.
(36:09):
Everybody feels bad once in awhile, much as everyone
defecates on a prettysemi-regular basis, depending on
(36:30):
the state of your physicalhealth.
You don't have to do it infront of other people, even if
it's difficult.
It in front of other people.
Even if it's difficult.
The graceful thing is to keepyour own counsel on such matters
.
No bad vibes.
You will be glad that you keptit to yourself when it's over,
(36:51):
which inevitably it will bePerhaps sooner than you think.
It may take a while, but give ittime.
That's the only thing thatreally helps, and it does
inevitably On a long enoughtimeline.
Everything changes.
Nothing is impermanent.
(37:12):
Be like water Change is theonly constant is impermanent.
And be like water Change is theonly constant.
If you don't like what you'redoing, do something else.
Oh, you're already doingsomething else and you're even a
slightly different person,because nothing remains static
In this, the one world that wehave, which is, in fact, many
worlds, as determined by recentfindings in quantum physics and
(37:39):
the fact that it's alreadychanged billions of millions of
trillions of times just in theinterval in which we have had
this discussion.
So give it time.
You have within yourconstitution a powerful inner
healer that knows what you need,that delivers it when you need
(38:02):
it, and you will heal.
This is true of almost anything.
If you jump off a building andyou don't die, maybe you break a
few bones.
If you just stay there for longenough and you're not found by
(38:27):
carnivores, you will eventuallyheal.
That's just how it works.
That is the magic of thepassage of time, working in
harmony and in concert with yourpowerful inner healer.
So just be patient.
Things will inevitably getbetter.
(38:48):
You don't even really have to doanything, although I would
recommend staying busy.
That is putting wins on theboard.
That is earning your positivefeelings.
So get to work, get someaggressive hobbies, do some
(39:13):
creative work, volunteerwhatever you have the strength
for.
Cat shelters could always usean extra pair of hands If you
can, if you are not in factlying in the sun with broken
bones patiently waiting to healfrom an inopportune fall from a
(39:35):
height that was great enough towound you but not kill you.
If you have the strength to getin the mix and make things
happen, get busy that is anotherthing that will help, because
that is another thing that weare born to do on our way to
experiencing our birthright ofjoy, freedom from suffering and
(40:00):
sorrow, which we can achieveprovided that we don't screw it
up and we must, because we mustbe strong for others.
If nothing else cheers you up,it should cheer you up to know
how miserable so many otherpeople in the world are, much
(40:20):
more than you, much more thanyou have any concept of the hurt
people hurt people and the hurtpeople that hurt.
You are likely hurting morethan you could possibly
understand.
That should make you feelbetter.
Just think of your enemysuffering.
That should cheer you up.
(40:41):
If that's not working, or ifyour enemy is not, if upence has
not come for that person yet,then consider the suffering
that's all around, all of thepeople who suffer, some better,
more gracefully and effectivelythan others.
There's always a lot ofsuffering.
(41:04):
That should cheer you up, ifonly by contrast.
So to review in summary, this isthe world we've got and it is
thus perfect because we have nomeaningful point of comparison.
If you do, then you are a childand you need to get out of your
(41:27):
own head and into the realworld and stop complaining,
because joy is your birthright.
Because joy is your birthright,it's what you were born to do
and experience.
And the only way to not be morehappy than you will ever be sad
when you are happy is to screwit up or get lazy or just don't
(41:51):
do the work.
If you work on yourself and youdo the work, it will work and
you will experience joy, becauseit's right there for the taking
and it's what we naturallygravitate to.
There's lots of Whatever youneed around for the getting
(42:11):
Abundance.
Keep that in mind as a mindset.
Cultivate the habit ofcorrecting any scarcity thinking
and turning it into abundance,thinking through the alchemy of
the power of your mind.
If you feel bad, don't.
There's really no excuse.
(42:32):
Just don't feel bad.
No, don't even worry about notfeeling bad.
Don't think of it in like adon't.
Do this way because your brainjust hears feel bad and it
screws you up.
Feel good, have a positiveintention, not a negative, away
motivation, find something to goto and do that instead of
(42:59):
feeling bad.
And if you are feeling bad as aresult of a loss whether it's a
loss of status, loss of love andsexual congress and sexual
congress, loss of the continuitythat comes from long-term
friendships or relations offamily, the material support and
sustenance and status andself-confidence that come from
(43:24):
having respectable employment,all of the tax breaks and other
advantages of marriage, or ifyou just lost the paperweight
that you happen to love, figureout what it was worth and
replace it If you think thatit's priceless.
(43:46):
You're bad at math Get better,do better.
You're bad at math, get better,do better.
And while you're in the processof grieving, if that's
necessary, try to get it induring your you time.
Do it alone.
You'll be glad you did.
You won't have to feel weirdabout it later on when you're
(44:10):
not grieving anymore.
But you grieved all over peopleand now it's just kind of
awkward.
You won't have to worry aboutthat if you do it yourself and
it won't be forever.
Although it will feel like ithas no beginning and no end.
It will not be forever.
Simply give it.
Time will not be forever.
(44:37):
Simply give it time.
Whatever you're dealing withwill come to its natural and
inevitable conclusion on a longenough timeline.
So if nothing else works, bepatient.
Read Seneca or meditate, maybelift, do some cardio.
(45:00):
Watch a movie, because allmovies are required to be like
six and a half hours long now.
So if you go see a movie in atheater, that will be
essentially not immersiveexperience.
(45:21):
That's where you go into a barand a bunch of characters start
talking to you and try to dragyou into their business.
But it will be.
You can lose yourself.
If you're watching a good movieand if it's a long movie,
you'll have the comforts of themovie theater for the duration
(45:43):
of the film and that will burnup some of your grieving time.
Burn up some of your grievingtime.
You will be.
Whatever the length of Babylonis, you will be that much closer
to feeling good again when it'sover and perhaps satiated.
Popcorn and snacks.
(46:03):
Or you can go to one of thenewfangled meaning like 1990s
fangled theaters that servesfull meals of entrees and greasy
fries that you can dip intocheese sauce and you can have a
beer.
That's fine, even if you'refeeling bad.
(46:25):
One beer is not going to damageyou.
So give it time.
Figure out something to do withyour time, whether it's
productive or replenishing.
Just give it time.
It will not last forever.
(46:46):
At some point you will die.
You will probably feel betterbefore that happens, because
that's, with any luck, that willnot happen for a long time.
In the meantime, be strong forothers.
There are a lot of people whoare suffering more than you, who
have endured hardships that youhave no concept of or just
(47:10):
simply of weaker constitution orwill lean on you because they
don't know how to find their ownpower and their own motivation,
and you must be strong for them.
I guess community is what keepsus going and their suffering
(47:33):
should cheer you up, if only bycontrast, because community is
what keeps us going and theirsuffering should cheer you up if
only by contrast, because youwill realize that you are not
really suffering if you're usingthe right metrics to determine
how you feel and again,quantification is your friend
and you should get busy.
(47:53):
In the meantime, figure outsomething to apply yourself to.
Surely there's something youcan do.
There's so much work to be done.
Almost anything you could do isgoing to be more fun than
grieving, so figure outsomething else to do with this
time on your hands.
(48:16):
Do not make excuses for yourself, do not wallow in self-pity.
There's simply no reason to dothat.
When you have cultivated anabundance mindset and you're
used to chalking up those W's,you're just not going to waste
your time like that.
It's not even going to occur toyou much as you're not going to
(48:41):
waste any time thinking aboutor wish-casting that things were
somehow different.
This may not be the best of allpossible worlds.
There's no excuse for notworking to better the
(49:02):
circumstances of ourselves andothers around us, in our
immediate communities and aroundthe world.
But this is the world we got,and if we can't make ourselves
at home here, then hurry up andfigure out how to get into space
, or just drop so much acid thatyou are no longer grounded in
(49:25):
reality, and that's another wayto solve all of your problems at
once.
(49:49):
So, as you know, I've been doingquite a bit of work on myself
over this last little slice oftime.
Per your recommendation.
It was also something I wantedto do for myself for quite a
while.
In the past I'd done it formyself to better myself, so that
you would come back for myself,to better myself so that you
(50:10):
would come back.
But now I'm really doing it forme, all out, and so I'm not
going to tell you any of thelife-changing, earth-shaking
secrets that I've learned andthe process of that, because
(50:30):
it's just for me, it's not foryou.
I'm not trying to impress youor have any effect on your life
one way or the other.
I'm a free agent now and thatmeans I keep my own counsel.
So there were some profoundinsights and revelations that I
(50:52):
encountered in the process ofdoing this work and you will
find out about them.
They will become self-evidentin the next couple of years, I
would say on the outside.
Probably in the next three tosix months, you will start to
see some of these things beginto manifest and you may find
(51:18):
yourself ill-prepared.
But that's too bad, because I'mnot going to tell you, because
I'm doing this for me.
I did find one interestingthing which I can share, which I
will get back to.
I just put a pin in that likethere's a there's one really
(51:45):
important conclusion that doesaffect me in my life and people
around me, and at this pointthat includes you.
I hope that it will continue to.
At this point, that includesyou, I hope that it will
continue to in the future, andso I'll get back to that in a
moment.
And I also learned a lot aboutthe grieving process.
(52:06):
Time is really the only thing.
You basically pretend likeyou're not broken, like the
pleasure centers in your brainstill work, and you read books.
Perhaps you make art, you takewalks in nature, you go through
the artist's way by JuliaCameron at least once and do all
(52:27):
of the exercises, starting withthe morning pages exercise,
which is three pages longhandwriting every morning,
totaling 750 words.
She likes longhand.
I think using the computer isfine, that's what I'm used to,
and my hand cramps if I writelonghand and I can't read my own
(52:51):
handwriting.
Sometimes I like to go back andlook at some of the stuff that
I wrote, just out of archivalcuriosity more than anything
else.
If you start doing this asyou're going through the
grieving process which is howmany people get into it I did it
(53:14):
before in a similar situationof loss, grief, and now I'm
doing it again because I'mshocked at how I can, first of
all, still experience those bighigh school emotions, still
(53:37):
experience those big high schoolemotions, and also how much
more deeply profound this kindof loss feels when you are
headed into the back half ofyour life.
When you're in your early 20s,at least you have the
consolation of knowing thatyou're bulletproof and you're
going to live forever and youcan drink yourself half to death
on a regular basis and riskyour life in other ways and eat
(54:00):
Taco Bell five or six nights aweek and you will live to tell
the tale indefinitely.
As you get older, you start torealize that that's not how it's
going to be and that there is asense of finality to certain
(54:20):
experiences.
Life is, of course, full ofsurprises, even after the big
4-0,.
I think in some ways I'm muchwiser and better at a lot of
things than I was when I wasyounger.
I wish that I had thegroundedness and the presence
(54:43):
and just the ability to breathedeeply and the patience.
I think I would have enjoyed alot of things.
A lot more sex comes to mind.
That's the big one, but alsoall of the other things which
are all about that.
In one way or another.
Everything is about sex, exceptsex, which is about power,
(55:09):
which is what Oscar Wilde says,but he left out the fact that
power is about sex, so it's kindof an Ouroboros foliety itself.
Yeah, I did a bunch of work onmyself.
I tried a bunch of differenttreatment modalities.
(55:31):
There was a ceremony, a grieveit and leave it ceremony, where
I just put all of my badattached feelings onto an object
that I found on a nature hike,which in my case was a stick.
Some of the other people foundrocks, which turned out to be
(55:58):
fortuitous for them because,after making these things
symbolic of what we were tryingto get rid of, we disposed of
them by throwing them into alake nearby, and with rocks.
That was more dramatic thanwhat I got with the stick.
(56:19):
I didn't even get it in thewater the first time I had to go
down and I was frustrated, so Iactually broke it into a couple
of pieces.
But that was satisfying, moreso than anything else about the
ritual really, but it did makeme feel a little better at the
(56:40):
time and then I felt bad again.
But then I thought about thatand I thought about other things
I could do and I cleaned out myapartment.
I threw away almost everything,all the stuff that I'd been
hoarding, that I know is of novalue, and the stuff that is of
(57:02):
some value I put up for saleonline, which helped subsidize
my rather irresponsiblelifestyle for a couple of months
, and that felt pretty good.
It felt like a load off.
It felt like a break with thepast, a literal separation that
(57:25):
also served as a symbolic,metaphorical separation of just
getting rid of the baggage andgetting it gone, and that was
that occurred to me as a resultof the ritual, so it did serve
some purpose in the end.
(57:46):
There was also a lot ofscreaming and crying.
I had not cried for years, upuntil fairly recently, I think.
I just was.
I thought I was physicallyincapable of it.
I thought it was one of thosethings that I could only do when
I was drunk, and then I justlost the ability to do that.
(58:09):
I think it had more to do withjust all of the stuff that I was
repressing.
There was so much of that, somuch clenching and clinging
going on that I, I think I wasafraid that if I started to ugly
cry it would never stop, and itdid feel like that was the case
(58:32):
.
At one point I spent an entireweekend pretty much unable to go
outside without largesunglasses because I would start
crying.
I think I literally cried atthe drop of a hat, a small child
.
I was wearing his father'sbaseball cap, backwards, turned
(58:57):
around, with a brim in the back.
Of course I was too big for thekid and the center of gravity
was off.
It fell down onto oceanfrontwalk.
Oceanfront walk and that justhit me in a place that I didn't
(59:24):
expect, where I'd been holdingsomething that I'd just been
waiting to express and that itdid, fortunately.
It's very hard to be theweirdest person on Venice Beach.
If you're just walking aroundcrying.
That probably makes you in theconversation for one of the five
(59:49):
least remarkable people thatyou might encounter out there.
So it's not exactly privacy,but it's privacy in a crowd.
Anyway, I continued to do thework and I continue to challenge
(01:00:12):
myself, to challenge mynegative thinking and also to
hold myself to a higher standardin how I treat people and how I
behave, how I take care ofmyself, how I honor myself by
having nice things, investing innice clothes and nice
accessories and things thataren't disposable, razors that I
(01:00:39):
don't just cycle through orjust crap that I dig out of the
garbage not literally, butbasically in a sense, basically
In a sense.
But the big surprise that I wasgoing to tell you about is that
I'm still grieving, I stillfeel really bad.
(01:01:03):
I still feel bad in a way thatmakes me think that it is not
possible for me to ever feel asgood as I currently do bad, or
perhaps to ever feel good again.
And also, climate change ismuch further along than most
(01:01:26):
people care to discuss in politecompany.
We are thoroughly boned, Iwould say.
Miami has about six more months,so if you have been meaning to
go there, I would go.
I don't know if there's goingto be another Art Basel, so
(01:01:47):
maybe see what's going on downthere and check it out, because
that's time-limited, as iseverything else.
Everything is impermanent andeverything is more impermanent
than we thought.
This has been Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes on Khe Chong,
los Angeles, chinatown, 1630 AM.
(01:02:09):
Kchungradioorg.
I am Emerson Dameron.
I'm the host of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes
medicated-minutescom.
Levity saves lives.
Thank you.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com