November 5, 2025 • 61 mins
In today’s episode, we focus on personal empowerment and the art of dominance in various aspects of life, including relationships, emotional control, and navigating rejection. We explore how self-awareness and understanding create a foundation for success and satisfaction.
• Personal dominance as an essential life skill
• The role of self-awareness in empowerment
• Navigating rejection with resilience
• Ethical considerations of dominance in relationships
• The importance of empathy and clarity in interactions
Learn how to embrace your power and find fulfillment in your journey.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is LA's number-one avant-garde personal development program. New episodes premiere on KCHUNG Los Angeles on the first Wednesday of the month.
The writer, producer, host, and witty and wounded romantic hero is Emerson Dameron, who is wholly responsible for its content.
I love you, personally. Levity saves lives.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
K-Chung, los Angeles.
Emerson Dameron's MedicatedMinutes LA's number one
avant-garde personal developmentprogram.
1630 AM kchungradioorg FirstWednesdays of the month, after
which it becomes the only goodpodcast.
I've had a full life.
I've been from the penthouse tothe outhouse, I've been at the
(00:20):
bottom and I've been on top topand I like being on top.
It's better.
It's where I want to be.
I like to dominate, I like tofeel my power.
I like to make you feel mypower for your own good.
I like to fill you up and pumpit and I like the view of the
Hollywood sign that I get whenI'm on top.
It's the place I want to be.
It's the place I belong.
(00:46):
Knowing how to be on top is anact of service.
It's like EMT trainingEverybody wants to fall apart at
some point and eventuallysomebody's going to want to fall
apart when you're around andthey're going to want you to
step in and take controltemporarily and if you're good
at it, maybe for good.
But regardless, even if you'rea complete submissive, even if
you're a pay pig, even if youeat scat for sexual pleasure or
(01:09):
you're a cuckold or whatever thedeal is, you should know how to
be on top, just in case, thereshould come a time in a
particular place, where somebodywith a face that's suddenly
full of panic and tears wants tofall apart and lose control and
enjoy the luxury of losingcontrol with somebody around who
knows how to deal with it.
(01:30):
You need to know how todominate, if not that person,
then at least that situation.
You need to know how to be incontrol and how to be on top,
and I'm going to tell you,because I'm not afraid of the
competition.
So we're going to start withthe basic principles of how to
be on top.
First of all, know yourself.
Know who you are.
Know how to be selfish.
(01:51):
Be good at being selfish sothat you can be generously,
genuinely generous, and be goodat that too.
You're not trying to peopleplease.
You please people by pleasingyourself, by being yourself,
being who you are, in theprocess of becoming who you are.
So know who you are.
If you don't take some time tofigure that out, figure out what
(02:13):
you love.
What gets you going, what getsyou off, what have you always
loved?
What would you do for free ifthere was no status or
remuneration attached to it?
What do you truly love to do?
What do you hate?
What disgusts you?
What sickens you?
What do you despise in humanity?
What will you not tolerate?
(02:33):
What drives you away?
Understand that and youunderstand a good deal about
yourself.
Who loves you?
Who hates you?
Who are your enemies?
What would you not wish on yourworst enemy?
What would you wish on onlyyour three or four worst enemies
?
Know who you are.
Establish yourself, defineyourself and, having done that,
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feel free to change your mind asmuch as you want.
You're the boss.
Another principle beself-contained.
The party is wherever you are.
You bring the value.
You are the star.
You are the prize.
You don't need any oneparticular other person to get
the sex you want, to feel goodabout yourself, to feel loved
(03:16):
and appreciated.
Those are abundant resourcesavailable throughout the world.
You just have to tune in andunderstand how much you truly
deserve it, and then it'll startcoming from within and then
it'll pour in from without somuch that you could barely keep
track of it, barely handle it.
Your dance card is suddenlyfull front and back, and you
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don't have to worry aboutlimerence or anxious attachment
or think that this person isspecial, because once you let go
of the idea that this person isspecial, then you can
appreciate them for who theyreally are A ridiculous animal
Just like you, but maybe less incharge.
So appreciate yourself.
(04:00):
Be complete unto yourself andyou will draw people to you and
you will create the conditionsthat will make them beg you to
get on top and we'll get intowhat those are momentarily.
But also be self-amused.
Crack yourself up in ways thatno one else is able to silently
laugh at your own jokes on theinside.
(04:21):
Don't laugh at other people'sjokes unless they're funny.
Don't do it to try to bond.
Make them work for it.
Make them actually amuse you.
That's what they're for.
Make them earn it.
Most people don't really have itlike that and you laugh at them
because you want them to likeyou.
It doesn't really work.
It just lowers you.
You will know your own taste,having spent some time hashing
(04:42):
that out.
So amuse yourself.
You're the only person whoreally knows what gets you off,
what gets deep into the darkestalleys of your psyche, where the
real fun times are.
And having all of that together, it should be relatively easy
for you to keep your power.
That means always put yourselffirst.
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That is what people want.
They want to know that you'vegot this on lock, that it's not
up to them, that you're incharge of you and they don't
have to worry about it, that youcan understand them and get
them under control so they don'tbecome anyone else's problem,
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and then keep your power.
Do not give it away.
People don't know what to dowith it.
Watch them, pay attention tohow they behave.
They act like they want tosuffer, but they're not even
good at suffering.
They tell stories aboutthemselves that don't make any
sense and they don't evenappreciate the da-da of that.
They're just confused.
They don't know what they'redoing.
They can't run their own lives.
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Don't expect them to run yours.
Don't give your power away.
It is not cool, not acceptable.
Don't put yourself in aposition where you have to be
rescued.
Don't weaken yourself.
Don't sabotage yourself.
I would lay off theself-deprecating humor for a
while, only when it's absolutelyneeded to make people feel at
(06:10):
ease.
If you really put them in theirplace, then you always want to
make yourself relatable, butdon't make a habit out of that.
Don't put yourself down.
The world's going to challengeyou as much as you need.
You don't have to beat it tothe punch.
You're ready for this.
Pump yourself up If anything.
Go to the opposite extreme.
See the world from theperspective of a delusional
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egomaniac.
For a while, believe inyourself a little too hard.
It's better to be high onyourself and wrong than it is to
be down on yourself and right.
So keep that in mind.
Keep your power.
Don't give it away.
If you lose it.
If you give it away, get itback.
Be willing to walk away from anyrelationship, any engagement,
any job, any situation.
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Be ready to go at a moment'snotice or after however long it
takes to tie up any loose endsand leave on good terms.
You don't need to burn bridgesfor no reason.
Treat people with dignity andrespect, but be willing to walk
away.
Be ready to walk away.
Enjoy walking away.
When you walk away, when you'redone, when you've had it, when
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you know that it's time to go.
You also know that you're onyour way to somewhere else.
And don't be afraid to keepthem a little off balance.
If they're testing you, ifthey're pushing your buttons,
let it be known.
You don't have to just come outand say it, but make sure that
they understand that you canleave whenever you want and you
will always have that power andthat privilege, because the
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world is yours, and there's alot more out there where this
came from.
Nothing but options.
The world is pure abundance,the world you live in from your
perspective.
So always be ready to walk awayand stay cool under chaos.
Know how to get on the ledge ofyour highest intelligence.
And I got bad news.
(07:57):
Unless you're a fan of bad news, in which case it's good news
Safety and calm is not comingback.
We've got freedom and chaos.
That's the law of the landgoing forward.
We're in an age ofdiscontinuity.
All bets are off.
People are not ready for what'salready happened.
To be a grown-ass adult meansadapting to that on an ongoing
(08:20):
basis.
That means improvisation, thatmeans iteration, the gyvering,
whatever it takes.
And you have to be cool.
When things aren't cool, maybewhen things are hot, you have to
be able to calm yourself down.
You can't just wait for thesituation to get better.
You can't whine and complainuntil some superhero swoops in
(08:41):
and rescues you.
That's not going to happen.
You've got to be the superhero.
Fly up to the ledge of yourhighest intelligence.
Survey the situation, see itfor what it is, see the patterns
, the component parts,understand it and know it and
know what to do.
Take control of what you cancontrol.
Know what you can control.
(09:01):
Let go of the stuff that youcan't control.
Let that be what it is and workwith that and accept it.
People will want you to maketheir decisions for them and
make their lives easier.
And that's when we get a littlebit more into what it's like to
be on top.
When you stay cool under chaos,people line up at your door to
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be domed, so be ready for that.
Understand how that works.
This is love, I mean.
This is management andfriendship and being a parent,
if that's something you want, orrunning any kind of
organization or your friendgroup bowling league, whatever
the hell it is.
Life is an adventure in theport of call.
Hell yeah, but we're talkingabout relationships and we're
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talking about dominance and love.
Maybe it's better to have lovedand lost than to have never
loved at all, but it's better tohave loved and dominated the
hell out of that person than itis to have lost.
If you lose them, it's becausethey couldn't handle it.
Of course, relationships areabout power.
Power dynamics are sexy.
Some people get that more thanothers.
(10:06):
Some people get into it morethan others.
Relationships are polarizeddifferently, but sexual polarity
is an ancient principle.
It has always been with us.
It has always been present insome all things, except for the
things where it isn't, and it issomething you can use to your
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benefit.
The typical understanding isthat the masculine is on top,
the feminine is on the bottom,and they like it that way.
It's more complicated than that.
At this point we've kind of comefull circle where there was the
age of hot douchebags and girlygirls, super macho men, weak
women, and then we kind offlipped it where the women were
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running things and runningcircles around the men who were
kind of floundering and eitherjust complaining or people
pleasing, wondering what theywere supposed to do with
themselves and hoping somebodycould come in and fix it for
them.
And usually that was a woman.
Usually she had a bunch ofother things going on.
She was still doing more thanher share of the housework,
still getting paid less for thesame amount of work.
(11:12):
She didn't want to run theguy's life.
So that didn't really workeither.
And the first thing, that wasextremely limiting.
If you really wanted to exploreyourself, you weren't going to
be happy with just being a hotdouchebag or just being a barbie
girl, girly girl, spinning itall the way around didn't
necessarily work either.
Now we're trying to get tostage three, where we can
transcend and include thosethings.
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So you want to be the best ofthe hot douchebag and the
sensitive guy, the strong andsensitive man.
If you're a woman, you want tohave your feminine wiles on
point and be able to be witchyand cast spells, and also be
strong, be in control as needed.
Be a dom.
A lot of the great doms arewomen.
It's open season, but polarityis always in play.
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That's undeniable.
It's always been that way,except for when it hasn't.
Relationships are about powerand you want to keep the power.
People are waiting to be toldwhat to do.
That's a privilege for them.
It's a responsibility for you.
If you take that responsibilityon yourself, which I encourage
you to at least know how to doand be able to do with
confidence don't keep themwaiting.
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Make sure they're taken care of.
This also requires respect andhumanity and compassion and
consent.
Enthusiastic, informed consentis always key.
Dominate those who deserve it.
Why would you want to beinvolved with somebody who
doesn't want you, a person thatdoesn't have the right approach,
the right taste?
They're not in your program.
They're not ready for whatyou're doing.
(12:38):
Don't get involved in that.
Give them a wide berth.
Find the people that long foryou, that lust for you, that
want to be domed almost to death, and then do it.
And when we talk about polarity,that also applies to comfort
and friction.
You want to make peoplecomfortable with you so they
feel safe going to dark, kinkyplaces, they feel safe breaking
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down, they feel safe beingvulnerable and feeling their own
feelings, until no feeling isleft unfelt and you create the
container for that.
Meanwhile, a little bit offriction is also important for
lust, the push and pull, for theplayfulness, for the adventure,
the mystery, the fun.
Don't be afraid to tease, pushback, play a little rough.
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Somebody might get a littlebanged up.
That's something that canhappen.
If a rupture occurs, be ready torepair and be ready to do that
with authority and understandingand knowledge of who you are
and knowing what yourresponsibility is in this
situation and owning all of yourhalf, whatever your fraction of
the responsibility is, whichyou should take a little bit
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more than you think is necessary, because most people
underestimate it never comes allthe way out to 100%, because
everybody thinks theirs is alittle less than 50%.
So you take a little more.
You take 60, 69.
Nice, 69%, own that.
When you have practiced all ofthis and gotten good at it, it
might take some trial and errorat first to really find your own
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style of being on top, to getyour balance, to not look down,
to get in the habit of lookingahead, staying balanced and
believing in yourself, whichwill become much easier as you
get wins on the board or learnfrom your losses and just get
experience and know yourself andknow what you're good at, know
what you need to work on.
(14:29):
As all of that comes together,people line up at your door to
(15:07):
be domed.
Thank you, it is absolutelyA-OK to date.
If you don't want arelationship, clarity is
required to do so ethically,which you do want to do.
That's its own reward, not evena moral judgment here.
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You'll regret it if you treatpeople poorly.
You can't do that if you wantthe world to be the kind of
world you want to live in.
However, it is totallyacceptable to date casually.
Sex and love are differentthings.
There's an overlap in the Venndiagram, but you can have sex
without love and you can havedifferent kinds of love, and you
could absolutely have lovewithout a committed, serious
(15:51):
relationship.
You don't have to share aNetflix account to share
intimacy.
In fact, I think the worldwould be better if we really
opened up the idea of whatintimacy can be.
Here's what you want to do ifyou want to date outside of a
relationship, or if you want todate if you want to date outside
of a relationship, or if youwant to date but you don't want
a relationship.
Number one kill the shame.
You're not a bad person.
You're not a player.
You're not a slut, unless youwant to be, in which case you
(16:14):
should be good at it and anethical slut.
There's a pervasive shame ofthese things.
Society is geared towardmonogamy and marriage, and
that's changing.
There are people that arecommitted to that who really
would rather not besubconsciously, and it makes
them mad when you break thetaboo against doing the things
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that they don't want to.
Let themselves have the freedomto know that they have the
freedom to do so.
You know, be prepared.
Some people aren't going tolike it, but you are not.
That doesn't mean there'sanything wrong with you.
What you do want to do is bevery clear on what you actually
want.
There is a wrong way to dothings and that's doing things
without thinking or feeling themthrough ahead of time.
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That makes it much more likelyfor confusion and
miscommunication and hurt toresult.
So get really clear on what youwant and why, and what you
don't want and why not.
There are plenty of reasons youmight not want a relationship.
You can go through them all.
A lot of them are good.
Some of them are Well.
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I mean, if you really do want arelationship, pretending you
don't want a relationship is notgoing to get you there and a
lot of people are going to behurt.
One of them is probably goingto be you.
So get really clear on what youactually want.
There's a whole process orself-inquiry that goes into this
.
Here are a few ideas, blankblank blank.
When you've got that,communicate.
Let yourself be known and beheard.
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Be proud of what you want.
Put it up front.
For online dating, this is easyenough.
You put it in your profile.
A lot of people don't read theprofiles, but that's really not
your problem.
Tinder is more geared towardcasual dating.
Field is one that's gearedtoward different configurations
poly and kink lifestyle, etc.
You've taken the trouble ofthinking through what you want.
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You can give somebody else whatthey want.
You are someone's fetish andthere are people that are into
the same things that you are.
If you communicate, if you letit be known, there's not much
long-term reward from trickingpeople into liking you and,
although it may require somepatience and there may be some
disappointment and people you'renot aligned with, so you're not
(18:23):
going to hit it off.
If you lead with what you know,you are more likely to get it.
Plus, if you're honest, theworld is your memory.
You don't have to keep doublingdown on your own lies or keep
track of your own BS.
It makes things a lot easierand it opens up your energy
channels.
For real intimacy, which you canhave with somebody that you're
not in a relationship with,happens all the time.
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Don't make it weird.
This is one reason you want toget clear on what you want ahead
of time, because if you startchanging your mind, or if you
really want something thatyou're not letting your partner
know that you want, or ifthere's something you want that
you don't know that you want, itgets weird.
You send mixed signals Wordssay one thing and your actions
say another, or you wishy-washyand flip back and forth and
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that's something you want to dounder the right circumstances
with the right people.
If there's that kind ofopenness there, getting easier
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for people to talk about thisstuff, but it might seem
presumptuous.
You might be scaring peopleaway much in the same way that
somebody might scare you away bydemanding lifelong exclusive
monogamy on the first date.
Life, future trip.
Let's enjoy the moment.
When you get into the momentand get mindful, you'll be
better at this.
Plus, you'll get better withexperience, and also mindfulness
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and experience feed into eachother.
You'll be very present for yourexperiences, which is also
great for intimacy and saves youthe trouble of making it weird.
The guy my friend mentioned,who she had a great couple of
dates with and then, while shewas giving him a blowjob, he
said I'm not really looking fora relationship right now.
(20:13):
Read the room.
Timing is everything and you canlearn it through experience,
trial and perhaps some error.
Have a sense of humor about it,because know that it's going to
be weird anyway, even if itdoesn't involve a relationship.
Sex involves people, datinginvolves people.
People can have fun togetherand they're always going to make
(20:36):
things weird.
So understand that thesituation on the ground is
subject to change.
There will always be thingsthat aren't communicated with
crystal clarity.
Anyone who's 100% honest isprobably going to be thrown in
jail or shot.
We don't always know what'sgoing on in our hearts and that
can change, so you know thatthings are going to get weird
(20:58):
anyway.
Be open to that.
Be like water.
Pay attention.
Learn to take care of thepeople around you.
To be casual is not to becallous.
You have a greater obligationto treat people the way that
they ought to be treated, theway that you want to be.
Adapt to what happens.
Learn and grow from yourexperiences.
(21:19):
Learn about yourself.
Pay attention as your needsevolve.
Communicate.
Real intimacy involves that kindof vulnerability and strength,
honesty, deep down communication.
Have the chance to learnthrough dating who you are.
The real reason to do it is weare who we are in relation to
others.
To see yourself through theeyes of another, perhaps
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multiple others, gives youdifferent perspectives.
Take in the entirekaleidoscopic panorama.
Being who you are, you can beyour beauty and potential.
Don't waste that opportunity.
Stick with it.
Stay in the moment, even if itgets weird.
You got this.
It's not confidence that's sexyso much as the ability to hang
in there when things get weird,if you're just naturally don't
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care.
I mean, it's better than beingmanipulative and wishy-washy and
it's sequoias but it's notreally as good as having your
emotions serve you rather thanmaster you, etc.
Etc.
And being like water rollingwith the change and things are
changing.
Relationship configurations arechanging.
There's more cheating, moredivorce.
(22:26):
People are realizing that tomake promises they don't intend
to keep doesn't necessarilyserve them in the long run.
It's better to cause a littlebit of frustration now than a
whole lot of pain down the lineby betraying people because you
haven't been true to yourself.
It's perfectly okay to date ifyou don't want a relationship.
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You can do whatever you want,as long as everything is above
board and everyone is on board.
It's okay to be non-monogamousas long as everyone's on the
same page.
It's okay to change your mindas long as that's well
communicated Communicate.
So many things are just based onassumptions and so much of our
disappointment is aboutexpectations that we never
(23:09):
bothered to tell anyone about.
Nevertheless, we get mad whenthey let us down.
These people aren't our parents.
We got to do the work here, bea grown-up and date without
getting into a relationship.
A lot of reasons you might notwant one, it's all good.
Keep it real.
Keep it 100.
Thank you.
Anybody's told you life is nota game.
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There are no winners and losers.
They're lying.
Those people are lying to you.
They want you to keep losing.
I want you to start winning.
One reason it's hard to makefriends as an adult is you
probably already have too manyPsychic vampires, bullies,
posing as friends.
You know the type Screw up,screw the crew up.
You're going to start firingpeople.
I'll show you how to do that.
It's not enough to end thefriendship.
(25:01):
Win the friendship breakup.
Consolidate your power.
Make it hurt.
Here's how.
First of all, it's all aboutmindset.
You are better than that.
You've been to places they'llnever go.
You understand things they'llnever know.
Most people are hypnotized.
They've, within a walking daze,repeat thrice recycled ideas
(25:25):
they got at a discount fromsomebody who's highly
incentivized to propagate thoseideas.
Do they benefit?
Do they know?
Do they even know?
Don't think.
Just repeat Same stock phrases,catch phrases.
They stole from you.
They steal your material whenyou're not around.
They don't steal like artists,because they're not.
They're hacks.
You're better than them.
You have value and values.
Never forget that.
It's easy to infringe heads ofpeople who don't deserve to be
your friend.
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If you believe it, it's trueBecause you got it like that.
Have boundaries.
Set them and defend them.
Make them somewhat arbitrary.
Have a sub-zero tolerance list.
Things that will get peoplekicked out of the party Could be
seemingly innocuous.
Party fouls A faux pas.
Their intentions might be goodIntentions don't matter.
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Results matter.
The result of crossing you islosing your confidence in
friendship.
Friendship is an investment.
Don't back a loser.
You make the rules.
Winners write history.
Make your sub-zero tolerancelist.
Make it long, shockinglyarbitrary.
This life right here is all youget.
Rule your fiefdom with an ironfist.
People like that, they need it.
(26:27):
People want to be told what todo.
People are waiting to be toldwhat to do.
Don't keep them waiting.
If they're not showing youproper respect and fealty,
they're going to walk the plankbecause it's Rankin-Yank time.
Jack Welch, the longtime CEO ofGeneral Electric, pioneered the
rank and yank practice.
He doesn't like it when youcall it that.
That's neither here nor there.
(26:48):
He's a black-hearted bastard.
But good ideas come fromeverywhere and once a year you
should rank order all of yourfriends best to worst, strongest
to weakest.
Whatever your value systemdictates, you make your own
values.
God is dead.
We murdered him.
Now you make the rules.
The bottom 10% get fired.
They're going to be shocked.
They will think you are cruel.
(27:08):
They might be right, but youare doing them a favor.
You're giving them theopportunity to go find a
friendship that they might begood at, or they might bring
something to the table.
The world's full of patheticlosers they will not want for
company.
Move first, initiate the breakup.
Always, don't be caught offguard.
Don't get cold-cocked, Don'tget blindsided, don't get hurt.
(27:33):
Protect your heart.
Use meditation to control yourmind, your emotions, and
heighten your awareness so thatyou throw the first punch and
then you keep kicking until theystop moving.
If they hit the ground, it'sall over.
They're going to hit the groundright away because they're not
going to see this coming.
Getting fired is your friend.
(27:53):
So it's important to be notjust aware but suspicious.
Keep your game face on.
Keep the swivel head in action.
Always look for signs ofdisloyalty and betrayal.
Don't be caught off guard Ifyou have any reason to suspect
that somebody is going to turnon you, and they will.
People will hurt you justbecause they can't.
They resent your greatness,your freedom, your power.
(28:15):
They're going to test you, butyou got to make an example of
somebody.
If they look at you the wrongway, be ready to strike.
The first thing you want to dois ignore them, cut off their
attention.
Give them the gift of missingyou.
Let them know what it feelslike to fall out of your favor.
Let them experience lifeoutside of your good graces.
Let them see what happens whenthey have to fend for themselves
(28:37):
.
Maybe they'll like it, maybethey'll be okay with it, maybe
the friendship will die anatural death.
If you let it do that, what'sprobably going to happen is
they're going to fall completelyin love with you.
However they fall in love,that's going to happen.
They're going to show you a lotof affection.
It's going to be disgusting,nauseating.
You can handle it.
You got the power and nowyou've got more of it because
(29:00):
you were able to ignore them forlonger than was comfortable.
Being comfortable with silenceis a superpower, especially if
it's wildly uncomfortable forthe person you're defenestrating
.
Silence is gold.
Let them beg for your attention.
Let them know how valuable theyare.
Let them know what they'relosing.
Drop the axe, cut them off.
(29:20):
Make it quick.
No prior notice, don't complain, don't explain, let them off.
Make it quick.
No prior notice.
Don't complain, don't explain.
Let them ruminate on it forever.
They're smart enough to figureout what they did wrong.
They just can't handle thatresponsibility.
You'll really see them twist inthe wind.
You'll be proud of yourself andglad you did what you did.
You'll feel 50 pounds lighterwhen you cut them off, when you
(29:42):
86 them, when they are donesmoked.
23 skidoo use language.
They understand that could beweird, cryptic, aggressive.
It's especially fun to dumppeople using inside jokes they
both used to enjoy together anddo it through the proper
channels.
Some people are going to behurt and deeply confused if they
are cut off by text message.
(30:03):
It's easier to hurt some peoplein person.
Telephony is underrated.
You can break someone's heartand break them open over the
phone.
Power of your voice, tonality,is everything.
If you decide to forgive, do sostrategically.
Make sure that letting go ofyour fatwa, of the black spot,
the burn notice that you issuedto this person, benefits you in
(30:24):
a specific way.
If you bring them back in,maintain the upper hand, keep an
eye on them.
They're in a tray again.
They can't be trusted.
They can be leveraged.
When you got into thisfriendship.
You were not exercising bestjudgment.
You were not acting fromenlightened self-interest.
You brought in someone whodiminished you.
Their disrespect, the way theydestabilized you, made you doubt
(30:47):
yourself.
The trust issues that they gaveyou reverberate through your
life to this day.
Don't make the same mistake.
Be not just better than them.
Be the bigger person.
You know that you're betterthan them.
Keep your cool.
Be dispassionate.
Be compassionate.
Be the grown-up.
Kick them out like you'rereluctantly punishing a
disobedient child.
(31:08):
They'll know that you're right.
They won't even question it.
You're the authority.
Act like it To the winners.
Go the spoils.
If your friends are spoiled,teach them a lesson.
Show them what life is about.
Rock solid confidence andauthority.
You've got this.
You're already better than them.
Have a more interesting lifethan they do.
Get on your mission.
(31:29):
Make things happen.
Make new, better friends.
You are the people youassociate with.
Associate with movers, peoplewho do things.
You don't have to be an optimist, necessarily, but go where the
action is.
Play.
Ain't it Awful?
When you're in the nursing home?
You probably won't want to.
You'll have lived a full,fascinating life.
Have great sex, travel, makemoney.
(31:50):
Use it to make thingsinteresting.
Play elaborate pranks on peoplePsychedelically surreal, weird
mindfuck hoaxes.
Mess with people.
Make their lives interesting.
Cultivate your power.
Be present, be passionate.
Have a life that is too full,too interesting.
It's going too fast, too high avelocity for that person to
(32:12):
stay on board.
Kick them out.
It's going to be fun to watch.
After you kick them out, youget to decide what happens next.
Set expectations.
Winners make the rules andwinners make history.
They can be sore, they probablywill be so.
One of the things that happenswhen you get canned by someone
who's superior to you, justobjectively, that's not what
(32:33):
matters.
You make the rules.
Rule your fiefdom.
There's no crying in U-BallExcept you can, because it's
your party.
You can become what theydislike.
Do everything that you couldn'tdo with that person because
they hated it.
Go to movies alone, move to acity that they hate, because
they don't know what they'retalking about.
They just like jumping toconclusions.
(32:54):
They like to think they havegood taste.
They don't know what they'remissing.
People with narrow tastes don'tknow what they're missing.
Go broad, do all the thingsthat they don't like.
Narrow tastes at what they'remissing.
Go broad, do all the thingsthat they don't like.
Do anything that you would havebeen ashamed to tell them that
you like.
Get the things you want thatthey don't want you to want, and
rub it in their faces.
The world is fun when you're awinner.
God smiles and winners win andlaughs and losers lose.
(33:18):
Don't laugh.
Don't laugh at your own jokes.
They should be laughing to tryto regain the affinity that they
screwed up with you.
They'll be giving you courtesylaughter when your jokes aren't
funny.
Mess with them.
Test them, ask them if theypretend to know more than they
do.
Get them to back it up.
If they try to stay in yourorbit, disallow that or you can
(33:39):
let them do it and make itmiserable for them.
The world is yours If you takeit.
The world is disobedient, puppy.
Train it, make it your bitch,watch it grow up.
When it's time, kick it out.
You're giving it the gift offreedom.
Pain is ignorance, leaving thebody.
Maybe they'll shape up.
Maybe they'll treat peoplebetter.
Maybe they'll take yourteaching, your philosophy.
(34:01):
Spread it through the world.
They don't really matter.
You're done, you don't care.
It's never a good idea to care.
If you care, stop that, getover it.
Care about people who are goodinvestments.
Help them, help themselves.
At some point they can take itfrom there, otherwise they're
parasitic losers.
You don't have time for that.
It sounds crass, but that's howit is.
It's the way the world works.
(34:23):
You know this, thank you.
(35:14):
Romantic rejection can hurt, itcan sting.
You put yourself out there andyou risked rejection and you did
in fact get rejected.
And it's disappointing.
It hurts a little bit.
It's okay to acknowledge that.
That's a feeling and althoughall feelings are correct, yours
and everyone else's feelingslast for about 90 seconds if you
let them pass, unless you latchonto them and start telling
(35:36):
yourself stories about them.
We're going to do that anyway.
We humans are storytelling,pattern matching machines and
boy, boy, do we love to suffer?
But you can mitigate some ofyour suffering by being more
deliberate in the stories thatyou tell yourself about yourself
and things that happen to you,like getting blown out.
So let's reframe rejection.
First of all, don't take itpersonally.
(35:58):
This happens to everyone.
If you put yourself out there,you will get rejected.
You're not everyone's type, butyou are someone's.
Rule 34 is evidence of that,and this person doesn't really
know.
You Got a very superficial viewof you based on a fleeting
interaction.
A lot of it was justassumptions that she makes and
you don't know what her fannyissues are, what her perverted
(36:20):
kinks are.
We're all just arguing withversions of ourselves and she
doesn't know you.
So how could you take itpersonally?
That happened to someone else.
No one cares about you Really.
What have you done?
Who are you?
Are you on Wikipedia, imdb?
I've never heard of you.
Don't get high on yourself.
I don't think it's about you.
Nobody cares.
(36:40):
They care about themselves andhow you make them feel.
And you're trying to make thisperson feel good and it didn't
work out and that's fine.
The most important thing is torespect boundaries.
If you have any problem withthat, if you get angry and
you're rejected and you act out,persist after you've been blown
out or make it weird.
(37:01):
If it's a friend friendsituation you wanted to do
something else with, and that'snot reciprocal get help.
You're a danger to others andyourself.
That's not okay.
We're all about boundaries hereand you don't want somebody
that doesn't want you.
Trust me, it's better to bewanted.
There are issues that you cansolve if you take them seriously
(37:21):
and get some help.
Otherwise, set your ownboundaries.
This person has boundariesenough to let you know they're
not feeling it.
Maybe you can take a cue fromthat and work on your own
boundaries.
What do you really want?
Go for that and protect yourheart.
Don't put people on pedestals.
Nobody belongs there.
They don't deserve it.
(37:41):
They'll resent you for it.
They'll don't like to be takenmore seriously than they know
they deserve.
Figure out who you are, what youwant, get a little bit selfish.
People respect that.
It lets them know who you areand trust you.
That's part of number threebuilding resilience.
Every experience is a day inthe laboratory.
You're getting out there,you're testing your assumptions,
(38:04):
taking contrary action, findingcontrary evidence to the ones
that aren't helping.
That's hard work and yourexperience will turn into wisdom
and you'll process it intowisdom and you will get better
problems.
If you have 99 problems, go for100.
101, that Depeche Mode.
May we all have better problems.
(38:25):
May we all switch out ourcurrent problems for better ones
, more deserving of our grit andtenacity and character We've
developed by taking risks andnot succeeding every time, but
learning more from the failures,from the pain.
That's what really is memorableand makes an impression.
Focus on attunement, compassionand connection.
(38:46):
Life is lived in connection toothers.
Relationships are what it's allabout.
You're not a rock or an island.
If you think you are, you'vegot a big surprise coming.
You're on your deathbed,spending time with people who
get you, people who love you,people on the same wavelength
people.
You don't have to explainyourself to people who will help
you move, help you out when youneed it, or scrub your
(39:08):
baseboards or engage indemeaning acts mowing your lawn
butt naked, for instance, justfor your amusement.
Build those relationships andeven for strangers.
Get in the process of gettingin someone else's experience.
Attuning yourself really caringabout other people.
That's attuning yourself,really caring about other people
.
That's how they'll end upcaring about you, because they
(39:28):
care about themselves.
Already you care about them.
You'll leg up Work on yourconnection.
Get attuned, get compassionate,really connect with people.
Casual sex is a goodopportunity to do that with a
lot of different people.
Quite a scopic sense ofconnection and you can lose
yourself.
You discover the truth and theBuddhist concept of no self and
(39:49):
then you can practice self-care,which seems paradoxical, but
it'll make sense when youpractice the best form of
self-care, which is smoking thevenom of Bufo Alvarez, the
Colorado River Toad, a drugknown as 5-MeO-DMT no connection
to DMT.
It's confusing.
It is a little bit confusing.
It's a psychedelic baseball batto the head and when you smoke
(40:13):
it you will not exist.
There's not reallyhallucinations or anything like
that, because there's no you tobe having that experience.
It is out.
There's a driver's license withsomebody else's name and
picture on it.
No, dripping ineffable in theinfinite.
There's not a whole lot more tosay about it beyond that,
because it's buck wild.
You don't exist.
(40:33):
That's the solution foreverything.
You have to be careful whereyou go.
This stuff is illegal.
I'm not going to encourage youto do it.
It certainly worked for me.
A lot of dangerous scammypractitioners.
Some of them are hilarious,wacky characters.
You get a little taste of goingcompletely insane Dissociating,
not existing.
(40:54):
Who wouldn't want that?
The toads are in danger.
So if you smoke the venom, givesome love back to the toads.
At least support them againstthe poachers.
You can send them artilleryguns.
I don't know if they know howto use those, but it's better
than nothing.
Once you get rid of yourself,you'll find yourself putting the
G in generosity, getting trulygenerous Because you can't be
(41:17):
greedy.
There's nobody there to haveyour fans Be acquisitive.
You will be inquisitive becauseyou will lose your sense of
separateness and truly betogether.
You will not come all the wayback.
Sorry, if you were hoping forthat.
You'll remember what it's liketo check out of yourself.
If you do come back more thanyou wanted to, who wants to be
(41:39):
you, you can do it again.
It's the universal cure-all forany problems that you have.
It mixes well with other things.
I've never tried it with someof the PCP or anything like that
, but I imagine that would be awild adventure.
Go on Mr Toad's wild ride andhear the music that the toads
are playing for us.
They sleep like what 10 monthsout of the year.
They know what's up.
(42:00):
Wisdom of the toad will guideyou.
Ride the toad.
Know what that's about.
Shift your focus to yourmission.
Find something to do.
Doesn't even matter what it is,just pick something
Particularly good is somethingthat needs to be done, something
that helps people, somethingthat no one else is doing.
See if you can find somethinglike that.
Otherwise, get good at jerkingoff.
(42:21):
Be Henry Miller.
Find something to do.
Whatever it is, someone is intoit, you're someone's type and
whatever you're doing, if youget really good at it, you get
to be the best.
If you're a leader and mentorfor others, people will line up
around the block to fuck you.
You won't have time to fuck allof them.
You will still get rejectedsometimes because it happens to
everyone, but you'll be okaywith it because you'll have a
(42:42):
higher zoomed out perspective onall this stuff.
The social connection is reallyimportant and it hurts to get
rejected because you know youfeel like you're being cast out,
abandoned, not taken seriously.
But that's not as big a problemif you celebrate your
friendships and have a sociallife and have people who get you
and expect nothing in returnand can take a beating if that's
(43:04):
necessary.
Stuffed animals are great.
We're stuffed animal-likepeople.
Ask yourself what can I learnfrom this?
Always inquire, always beimproving, always be learning.
Getting smarter, tougher,better than other people that's
the ultimate goal.
As long as you're a discreetentity, as long as you're not
fully gone on the toad, youshould be better than other
people.
That's the ultimate goal.
(43:25):
As long as you're a discreetentity, as long as you're not
fully gone on the toad, youshould be better than other
people.
That's the people around you.
If you're the smartest personin the room, make sure everyone
knows that.
Also, ask yourself what's funnyabout this.
There's certainly somethingabout any rejection that would
be funny if it happened tosomeone else.
And again, that's the goodthing about losing yourself with
5-in-0 DMT.
Think about it that way.
Ask yourself, how am I theasshole in this?
(43:47):
Because that will make yousomebody that people enjoy
laughing at.
And then do a live storytellingshow.
Do the Moth not the Valentine'sDay edition, because everyone
does that.
Everyone has a story.
It's generally about heartbreak.
Get really creative.
What other elements were inplay?
Did this story involve a roadtrip, chocolate and peanut
(44:07):
butter in the same jar, orpillowcases in some way?
Then you can tell a story aboutthat.
The romantic rejection is beingMacGuffin and drives the plot.
Always be redefining everything.
Reframing, redefining,recontextualizing, redefine
success.
What does success mean to you?
Is it about achieving something?
Is it about accomplishingsomething that's ultimately out
(44:29):
of your control?
Or is it mainly about showingup and acting like you believe
in yourself, even if you don'tdoing the things you have to do,
even if you don't want to,keeping your promises to
yourself, so you can build trustin yourself and integrity.
People want to blow you.
If you have that.
That's how it works.
That's when you empoweryourself with self-acceptance,
(44:50):
authenticity, being true toyourself, being who you are, so
we know who you are and we cantrust you and self-love being
the best lover you've ever had.
Practice mindful masturbation.
Get yourself off better thananyone else ever could, do yoga
until you can blow yourself andthen keep all of that for
yourself and lord that overother people.
Be kind to yourself and becomestronger through rejection.
(45:12):
Become inconquerable.
Be so kind to yourself that youreally are the best and nobody
can really fuck with you.
There's somebody out there thatcan and still get rejected,
because everyone does Challengethe myths of rejection.
Sexual rejection is not areferendum on you.
Again, it has nothing to dowith you.
People don't know you.
Nothing has anything to do withyou, nothing matters.
(45:34):
You don't exist.
There's more than one personthat you're compatible with.
There are 12 million people inMetro Los Angeles alone.
You're somebody's type andthere are a lot of people with
no standards.
Everything you believe is wrong, so be wrong about the right
things.
Believe that you get strongerthrough rejection and that it's
actually a good thing, and thatwill become true for you.
(45:55):
Focus on the journey.
It's all about people you meet,the stories you have to tell
how you feel about yourself, howyou grow, how you make up
stories to make you feel likethere's some narrative and
continuity and meaning in life,even though there isn't.
That's what really matters.
So embrace that.
Know that anyone who rejectsyou is stupid and missing out on
the most explosive orgasms oftheir life.
(46:18):
Learn to make women cum.
That's the last thing.
If you can really make her cum,things will start coming into
alignment for you, becausethat's like casting a magic
spell.
I've been to the Grand Canyon.
I've given women cascadingorgasms and the Grand Canyon is
a ditch compared to that.
So that's something you couldfocus on and it'll take your
mind off of things and it'lltake her mind off of things.
(46:39):
You won't have minds anymore.
It's almost like smoking 5-MeODMT.
That's the thing that I wouldcombine it with.
Those things would go reallywell together, like chocolate
and peanut butter.
Let's try it.
K-chung, los Angeles 1630 AM.
(47:10):
Kchungradioorg on the WorldWide Web.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program, home of Ask
a Sadist, proudly sponsored bythe First Church of the Satanic
Buddha, birthplace and habitatof bite-sized erotic thrillers.
My name is emerson dameron.
I'm the writer, producer, host.
(47:30):
Everything.
I love you personally.
Levity saves lives.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
I'm an avant-garde motivationalspeaker from Los Angeles, and
the song that saved my life isRide the Lightning by Metallica,
and the lyrics go like thisGuilty as charged, but damn it,
(47:52):
it ain't right.
There's someone else controllingme.
Death in the air, strapped inthe electric chair.
This can't be happening to me.
Who made you God to say I'lltake your life from you?
Flash before my eyes.
Now it's time to die.
Burning in my brain, I can feelthe flame.
Wait for the sign to flick theswitch of death.
(48:12):
It's the beginning of the end.
Sweat, chilling, cold.
As I watch death unfold,consciousness, my only friend.
My fingers grip with fear.
What am I doing here?
Someone help me.
Oh, please, god, help me.
They're trying to take it allaway.
I don't want to die.
Time moving slow, the minutesseem like hours, the final
(48:33):
curtain All I see.
How true is this?
Just get it over with.
If this is true, just let it beAwakened by horrid scream.
Freed from this frighteningdream.
When I was a boy, I was astudent of the world.
I was interested in all sortsof things.
If I wasn't supposed to beinterested in it, I was
(48:53):
interested in it.
That's a blunt heuristic, butit worked for a dreamy,
introverted young man.
My big three fascinations weremusic, drugs and death, in that
order.
Music was exciting in the 80s.
It was the time of the satanicpanic which really did ruin a
(49:14):
lot of people's lives.
Tipper Gore made heavy metaland rap music in the 80s a lot
more interesting than they wouldhave been otherwise.
My favorite band was theBeatles.
I also liked Pink Floyd.
I liked anything psychedelic.
The more otherworldly it was,the more I was into it, because
I was not a fan of this world.
(49:34):
I wanted to get on the MagicalMystery Tour and never come back
.
We had something called the DAREprogram Drug Abuse Resistance
Education which was a hungovercop who came into elementary
school classrooms and describedto us in some detail all of the
street drugs that were available, the slang names that you could
(49:55):
use to buy them, the subjectiveeffects, and my reaction was oh
so that's what the Beatles weretalking about and I'm going to
do all of them.
I stopped believing in God kindof early, realized Santa was
bullshit, and then the dominoesfell down and I was determined
to make the most of this life.
I sensed that this is all weget and that it was my
(50:18):
responsibility.
To get as fucked up as possiblein this life meant I needed to
do all the drugs.
My relationship with deathinitially was more flip.
It never occurred to me that itwould happen to me.
For me it was a narrativedevice.
It was a MacGuffin in myfavorite TV show, which was the
black and white original PerryMason with Raymond Burr, and it
(50:39):
was something I used in my ownstories that I made up.
I was constantly killing off mystuffed animals and then
resurrecting them with differentpersonalities.
I think everything should beterm limited.
I think characters shouldrotate out friends,
relationships, pretty mucheverything.
There should be a set amount oftime and then it should either
be termed out or re-evaluatedand possibly phased out.
(51:03):
That's the only way you changeand grow, and death was useful
for that.
I had the mind of a soap operawriter.
I should have gone for that.
I wanted to be president.
I was pretty sure I could getelected on.
The novelty of being anine-year-old Never got around
to trying, couldn't raise enoughmoney, wasn't popular at all.
(51:28):
There were three incidents thathad a long-term effect on me.
There was a senator in my homestate named John Porter East, a
Republican, who was facingpublic disgrace.
A bunch of scandals werecatching up with him.
He was going down and so hewent into his garage and using
carbon monoxide he killedhimself.
And I asked my dad to explainwhat that was about and that was
(51:49):
my introduction to the conceptof suicide and I remember
thinking oh so that's somethingyou could just do.
My dad was a public defender.
He had a client named DougOlson who had a big porn stash
which was Derrick Gurr in the80s.
He was also a cocaine addictpart of the 80s gestalt as well.
I never really saw how thatworked with the porn stash, but
(52:14):
I guess he was good enough atdoing coke to get it around the
mustache, but not good enoughthat he didn't end up murdering
someone because of it.
He'd been convicted.
He was waiting to find out ifhe was going to get the death
penalty, which in North Carolinawas lethal injection.
They had phased out theelectric chair or life in prison
(52:35):
.
And one Sunday afternoon I guessmy dad couldn't get rid of me,
so he took me into the countyjail to meet Doug Olson.
He's probably the sweetest,most naturally exuberant,
friendliest, most bubbly personI think I've ever met.
He was so happy to be in thesame room with a kid.
I guess it didn't occur to methat that's not something he was
(52:55):
able to do under his currentcircumstances.
I remember he loved me and itwas hard not to reciprocate
Charming bastard so much that Ididn't care what he'd done.
I kind of thought murdererswere cool for a while.
After that he very much wantedto get life in prison.
He did not want to be executedand even at the time I remember
thinking like what's, why do youwant to spend 40 years in
(53:20):
prison?
Why not just get it over with?
This was also around the time Igot into heavy metal, which took
a while because, honestly, Iwas kind of scared of it.
There was a lot of anti-metalsentiment in the air, but I was
very, very curious.
Metallica in particular,because it was such a fucking
ridiculous name.
I knew it had to be good and Ifinally got a chance to
(53:42):
furtively listen to Metallica's1984 masterpiece Ride the
Lightning on cassette 1984,arguably the best year for
popular music.
I'm not sure what kind of hellcarnival I was expecting, but I
was floored.
I was blown away by thesymphonic complexity of this
(54:02):
thing.
The untrammeled aggression, thewounded humanity.
This was not otherworldly, thiswas of this world and it was
pissed about it and it hadsomething to say Angry,
cathartic, purgative.
I was totally fascinated and amto this day.
Every time I listen to thatalbum, which I've done hundreds
of times.
It still has surprises.
(54:24):
The topic of death does come up,and suicide in particular.
There's a song called Fade toBlack.
That's from the point of viewof a character who's
contemplating ending his life.
He's very depressed, he's givenup on himself.
Fade to Black was certainly acontemplation of suicide.
And there was another track,the title song, ride the
(54:44):
Lightning, the churning,captivating motherfucker of all
stompers, capturing the rage andterror of a character who's
been wrongly sentenced to die inthe electric chair, which is
what Ride the Lightning means.
In this context there's aphrase on loan from Stephen King
and he does not want to die.
He's strapped in, it's hopeless, he's fucked, but he's going to
(55:07):
fight back with all of theindignation and extreme
individualism and the rage ofsomeone who's been betrayed by
anything and everything that heever believed in, who is
screaming for his life andliving off of pure anger and
survival instinct and a deeplove for himself is the kind of
(55:30):
thing that you don't know what'sgoing to happen.
When you get to the point whereyou're almost ready to die but
it will often come up You'llfind a reservoir of the will to
passion, to power, whatever itis, that's more powerful and
profound than the death drivethat can no longer be kept down.
You will discover that if youscratch a cynic you get a looted
(55:52):
romantic and the cynic can lockthe romantic in the basement.
But the romantic is strongerand smarter and meaner and it's
gonna get out, and that canhappen sometimes when you're
looking down the barrel of death, which I've done many times on
purpose.
By the time I got into thisrecord, I was already becoming a
conspicuously morbid young man.
I was not making friends.
(56:14):
My teachers alerted my mom tothe fact that I wasn't mixing in
socially and she took that as areferendum on her parenting.
It was not flattering.
So I was put into counselingand I ended up on tons of
antidepressant medications,including like seriously like
six or seven at a time Handfuls,some of which are no longer
prescribed to teenage boys.
(56:35):
One was Paxil, which turned outto be associated with incidents
of extreme violent behavior.
Those are not the drugs that Iwanted.
They made me bloated.
I looked like a Ziploc bag fullof water.
They made me impotent, whichkind of didn't matter.
Sex had rocketed to number oneon my list of interests and it
(56:56):
was pretty clear that I wasnever going to have any, and I
was really angry.
It was either one thing or theclear that I was never going to
have any and I was really angry.
It was either one thing or theother.
I was constantly oscillatingbetween fading to black and
riding the lightning in adifferent sense, raising my arms
to the sky and channeling theenergy of the cosmos, letting it
run through my nervous system,charging myself up with
something so powerful that all Icould do was get out of its way
(57:20):
.
And get out of my own way andlet it charge me up.
Ride the lightning that Ibought the ticket for.
On the other hand, I've alwaysfound suicide really compelling.
In theory, for most of my lifeI felt like a lot of things were
out of my control.
My friendships have been rocky,I've pinballed all over the
country.
I've dealt with seriousdepression, substance abuse
(57:42):
issues.
Having the option C of suicidein my back pocket gave me a
sense of agency.
I always had the option of justwiping myself off the
ontological chalkboard, justwiping it all out in one go.
It was all or nothing.
I couldn't keep the good stuffand get rid of the bad stuff,
but if I was overwhelmed by thebad stuff I could get rid of all
(58:02):
of it, and once the suicidedoor opened for me, it never
really closed.
I've come pretty close to theedge of fading to black.
Suicide is one of the manythings that I've never succeeded
at, but there was one time whenI made an attempt which was, I
thought, pretty half-assed, butI guess it was more whole-assed
than I thought, because I wentinto a fugue state and I
(58:25):
hallucinated a digital clock ortimer counting down from 60
seconds.
I knew that when it got to zero, I was 23 skidoo.
I was out of there.
I had achieved the goal thatI'd toyed with so many times.
I was going out.
My problems were about to beover.
My first thought was just letthis happen.
You wanted this for so long.
(58:46):
You're in so much pain.
You don't have the copingresources to get out of this.
This is the way.
This is what is supposed to behappening right now.
Just relax, fade to black.
And then I started gettingauditory hallucinations.
I started hearing voicemailmessages from my brother, from
teachers of mine, my therapist,some of my mentors who I guess,
(59:10):
knew that something was wrongand were calling anxiously
looking for answers, hopingeverything was okay.
But you could also kind of hearthat they were accepting the
fact that it was too late, thatthe Emerson-Dameron experiment
had come to a disappointingconclusion and I was leaving
them to clean up the mess.
And I realized that as long asI was realizing this and I had
(59:35):
the option of stopping it, I hadto do that.
I could ride the lightning intodeath or I could ride it back
into this world, and so I called911.
I don't recommend this.
If you have other options, I'mconvinced that this is it.
This is all we get as long asI'm here.
(59:55):
I have to make the most of it.
I don't want to die wondering,and that's what would have
happened there.
It's inaccurate to say that thenarrator of the song Ride the
Lightning fights all the way tothe end.
In the last verse you can hearhim accepting that he's fucked.
He's not going to break out ofthis, he's not going to break
(01:00:16):
the straps and get out of old,sparky electric chair and then
bust his way out of prison likethe Kool-Aid pitcher.
He's going to die andpresumably that's what happened.
Doug Olson got life in prison.
I saw him one more time afterhe got that news and just
remember the absolute exuberantjoy in his eyes from getting
(01:00:37):
that piece of information thathe was going to spend the rest
of his life in a box, that he hewas gonna spend the rest of his
life in a box, that he wasgonna spend the rest of his life
.
I still think about suicide allthe time.
My brain is constantly tryingto kill me.
It's like in the Pink Panthermovies with Peter Sellers, where
he gets his assistant to ambushhim and try to assassinate him
(01:00:57):
to keep him on his toes.
My brain is always trying tofuck with me in that way.
All organisms move towardpleasure as long as they know
what they're doing.
Flowers grow toward the lightand right now, when I ride the
light, it takes me in the samedirection.
I'm not ready to go yet.
There are still drugs that Ihave not yet done.
Thank you.
K-Chung, los Angeles.
Emerson Dameron's MedicatedMinutes LA's number one
avant-garde personal developmentprogram.
1630 AM kchungradioorg FirstWednesdays of the month, after
which it becomes the only goodpodcast.
I've had a full life.
I've been from the penthouse tothe outhouse, I've been at the
(00:20):
bottom and I've been on top topand I like being on top.
It's better.
It's where I want to be.
I like to dominate, I like tofeel my power.
I like to make you feel mypower for your own good.
I like to fill you up and pumpit and I like the view of the
Hollywood sign that I get whenI'm on top.
It's the place I want to be.
It's the place I belong.
(00:46):
Knowing how to be on top is anact of service.
It's like EMT trainingEverybody wants to fall apart at
some point and eventuallysomebody's going to want to fall
apart when you're around andthey're going to want you to
step in and take controltemporarily and if you're good
at it, maybe for good.
But regardless, even if you'rea complete submissive, even if
you're a pay pig, even if youeat scat for sexual pleasure or
(01:09):
you're a cuckold or whatever thedeal is, you should know how to
be on top, just in case, thereshould come a time in a
particular place, where somebodywith a face that's suddenly
full of panic and tears wants tofall apart and lose control and
enjoy the luxury of losingcontrol with somebody around who
knows how to deal with it.
(01:30):
You need to know how todominate, if not that person,
then at least that situation.
You need to know how to be incontrol and how to be on top,
and I'm going to tell you,because I'm not afraid of the
competition.
So we're going to start withthe basic principles of how to
be on top.
First of all, know yourself.
Know who you are.
Know how to be selfish.
(01:51):
Be good at being selfish sothat you can be generously,
genuinely generous, and be goodat that too.
You're not trying to peopleplease.
You please people by pleasingyourself, by being yourself,
being who you are, in theprocess of becoming who you are.
So know who you are.
If you don't take some time tofigure that out, figure out what
(02:13):
you love.
What gets you going, what getsyou off, what have you always
loved?
What would you do for free ifthere was no status or
remuneration attached to it?
What do you truly love to do?
What do you hate?
What disgusts you?
What sickens you?
What do you despise in humanity?
What will you not tolerate?
(02:33):
What drives you away?
Understand that and youunderstand a good deal about
yourself.
Who loves you?
Who hates you?
Who are your enemies?
What would you not wish on yourworst enemy?
What would you wish on onlyyour three or four worst enemies
?
Know who you are.
Establish yourself, defineyourself and, having done that,
(02:54):
feel free to change your mind asmuch as you want.
You're the boss.
Another principle beself-contained.
The party is wherever you are.
You bring the value.
You are the star.
You are the prize.
You don't need any oneparticular other person to get
the sex you want, to feel goodabout yourself, to feel loved
(03:16):
and appreciated.
Those are abundant resourcesavailable throughout the world.
You just have to tune in andunderstand how much you truly
deserve it, and then it'll startcoming from within and then
it'll pour in from without somuch that you could barely keep
track of it, barely handle it.
Your dance card is suddenlyfull front and back, and you
(03:39):
don't have to worry aboutlimerence or anxious attachment
or think that this person isspecial, because once you let go
of the idea that this person isspecial, then you can
appreciate them for who theyreally are A ridiculous animal
Just like you, but maybe less incharge.
So appreciate yourself.
(04:00):
Be complete unto yourself andyou will draw people to you and
you will create the conditionsthat will make them beg you to
get on top and we'll get intowhat those are momentarily.
But also be self-amused.
Crack yourself up in ways thatno one else is able to silently
laugh at your own jokes on theinside.
(04:21):
Don't laugh at other people'sjokes unless they're funny.
Don't do it to try to bond.
Make them work for it.
Make them actually amuse you.
That's what they're for.
Make them earn it.
Most people don't really have itlike that and you laugh at them
because you want them to likeyou.
It doesn't really work.
It just lowers you.
You will know your own taste,having spent some time hashing
(04:42):
that out.
So amuse yourself.
You're the only person whoreally knows what gets you off,
what gets deep into the darkestalleys of your psyche, where the
real fun times are.
And having all of that together, it should be relatively easy
for you to keep your power.
That means always put yourselffirst.
(05:03):
That is what people want.
They want to know that you'vegot this on lock, that it's not
up to them, that you're incharge of you and they don't
have to worry about it, that youcan understand them and get
them under control so they don'tbecome anyone else's problem,
(05:28):
and then keep your power.
Do not give it away.
People don't know what to dowith it.
Watch them, pay attention tohow they behave.
They act like they want tosuffer, but they're not even
good at suffering.
They tell stories aboutthemselves that don't make any
sense and they don't evenappreciate the da-da of that.
They're just confused.
They don't know what they'redoing.
They can't run their own lives.
(05:49):
Don't expect them to run yours.
Don't give your power away.
It is not cool, not acceptable.
Don't put yourself in aposition where you have to be
rescued.
Don't weaken yourself.
Don't sabotage yourself.
I would lay off theself-deprecating humor for a
while, only when it's absolutelyneeded to make people feel at
(06:10):
ease.
If you really put them in theirplace, then you always want to
make yourself relatable, butdon't make a habit out of that.
Don't put yourself down.
The world's going to challengeyou as much as you need.
You don't have to beat it tothe punch.
You're ready for this.
Pump yourself up If anything.
Go to the opposite extreme.
See the world from theperspective of a delusional
(06:31):
egomaniac.
For a while, believe inyourself a little too hard.
It's better to be high onyourself and wrong than it is to
be down on yourself and right.
So keep that in mind.
Keep your power.
Don't give it away.
If you lose it.
If you give it away, get itback.
Be willing to walk away from anyrelationship, any engagement,
any job, any situation.
(06:52):
Be ready to go at a moment'snotice or after however long it
takes to tie up any loose endsand leave on good terms.
You don't need to burn bridgesfor no reason.
Treat people with dignity andrespect, but be willing to walk
away.
Be ready to walk away.
Enjoy walking away.
When you walk away, when you'redone, when you've had it, when
(07:13):
you know that it's time to go.
You also know that you're onyour way to somewhere else.
And don't be afraid to keepthem a little off balance.
If they're testing you, ifthey're pushing your buttons,
let it be known.
You don't have to just come outand say it, but make sure that
they understand that you canleave whenever you want and you
will always have that power andthat privilege, because the
(07:36):
world is yours, and there's alot more out there where this
came from.
Nothing but options.
The world is pure abundance,the world you live in from your
perspective.
So always be ready to walk awayand stay cool under chaos.
Know how to get on the ledge ofyour highest intelligence.
And I got bad news.
(07:57):
Unless you're a fan of bad news, in which case it's good news
Safety and calm is not comingback.
We've got freedom and chaos.
That's the law of the landgoing forward.
We're in an age ofdiscontinuity.
All bets are off.
People are not ready for what'salready happened.
To be a grown-ass adult meansadapting to that on an ongoing
(08:20):
basis.
That means improvisation, thatmeans iteration, the gyvering,
whatever it takes.
And you have to be cool.
When things aren't cool, maybewhen things are hot, you have to
be able to calm yourself down.
You can't just wait for thesituation to get better.
You can't whine and complainuntil some superhero swoops in
(08:41):
and rescues you.
That's not going to happen.
You've got to be the superhero.
Fly up to the ledge of yourhighest intelligence.
Survey the situation, see itfor what it is, see the patterns
, the component parts,understand it and know it and
know what to do.
Take control of what you cancontrol.
Know what you can control.
(09:01):
Let go of the stuff that youcan't control.
Let that be what it is and workwith that and accept it.
People will want you to maketheir decisions for them and
make their lives easier.
And that's when we get a littlebit more into what it's like to
be on top.
When you stay cool under chaos,people line up at your door to
(09:22):
be domed, so be ready for that.
Understand how that works.
This is love, I mean.
This is management andfriendship and being a parent,
if that's something you want, orrunning any kind of
organization or your friendgroup bowling league, whatever
the hell it is.
Life is an adventure in theport of call.
Hell yeah, but we're talkingabout relationships and we're
(09:45):
talking about dominance and love.
Maybe it's better to have lovedand lost than to have never
loved at all, but it's better tohave loved and dominated the
hell out of that person than itis to have lost.
If you lose them, it's becausethey couldn't handle it.
Of course, relationships areabout power.
Power dynamics are sexy.
Some people get that more thanothers.
(10:06):
Some people get into it morethan others.
Relationships are polarizeddifferently, but sexual polarity
is an ancient principle.
It has always been with us.
It has always been present insome all things, except for the
things where it isn't, and it issomething you can use to your
(10:28):
benefit.
The typical understanding isthat the masculine is on top,
the feminine is on the bottom,and they like it that way.
It's more complicated than that.
At this point we've kind of comefull circle where there was the
age of hot douchebags and girlygirls, super macho men, weak
women, and then we kind offlipped it where the women were
(10:50):
running things and runningcircles around the men who were
kind of floundering and eitherjust complaining or people
pleasing, wondering what theywere supposed to do with
themselves and hoping somebodycould come in and fix it for
them.
And usually that was a woman.
Usually she had a bunch ofother things going on.
She was still doing more thanher share of the housework,
still getting paid less for thesame amount of work.
(11:12):
She didn't want to run theguy's life.
So that didn't really workeither.
And the first thing, that wasextremely limiting.
If you really wanted to exploreyourself, you weren't going to
be happy with just being a hotdouchebag or just being a barbie
girl, girly girl, spinning itall the way around didn't
necessarily work either.
Now we're trying to get tostage three, where we can
transcend and include thosethings.
(11:33):
So you want to be the best ofthe hot douchebag and the
sensitive guy, the strong andsensitive man.
If you're a woman, you want tohave your feminine wiles on
point and be able to be witchyand cast spells, and also be
strong, be in control as needed.
Be a dom.
A lot of the great doms arewomen.
It's open season, but polarityis always in play.
(11:56):
That's undeniable.
It's always been that way,except for when it hasn't.
Relationships are about powerand you want to keep the power.
People are waiting to be toldwhat to do.
That's a privilege for them.
It's a responsibility for you.
If you take that responsibilityon yourself, which I encourage
you to at least know how to doand be able to do with
confidence don't keep themwaiting.
(12:18):
Make sure they're taken care of.
This also requires respect andhumanity and compassion and
consent.
Enthusiastic, informed consentis always key.
Dominate those who deserve it.
Why would you want to beinvolved with somebody who
doesn't want you, a person thatdoesn't have the right approach,
the right taste?
They're not in your program.
They're not ready for whatyou're doing.
(12:38):
Don't get involved in that.
Give them a wide berth.
Find the people that long foryou, that lust for you, that
want to be domed almost to death, and then do it.
And when we talk about polarity,that also applies to comfort
and friction.
You want to make peoplecomfortable with you so they
feel safe going to dark, kinkyplaces, they feel safe breaking
(13:00):
down, they feel safe beingvulnerable and feeling their own
feelings, until no feeling isleft unfelt and you create the
container for that.
Meanwhile, a little bit offriction is also important for
lust, the push and pull, for theplayfulness, for the adventure,
the mystery, the fun.
Don't be afraid to tease, pushback, play a little rough.
(13:24):
Somebody might get a littlebanged up.
That's something that canhappen.
If a rupture occurs, be ready torepair and be ready to do that
with authority and understandingand knowledge of who you are
and knowing what yourresponsibility is in this
situation and owning all of yourhalf, whatever your fraction of
the responsibility is, whichyou should take a little bit
(13:46):
more than you think is necessary, because most people
underestimate it never comes allthe way out to 100%, because
everybody thinks theirs is alittle less than 50%.
So you take a little more.
You take 60, 69.
Nice, 69%, own that.
When you have practiced all ofthis and gotten good at it, it
might take some trial and errorat first to really find your own
(14:08):
style of being on top, to getyour balance, to not look down,
to get in the habit of lookingahead, staying balanced and
believing in yourself, whichwill become much easier as you
get wins on the board or learnfrom your losses and just get
experience and know yourself andknow what you're good at, know
what you need to work on.
(14:29):
As all of that comes together,people line up at your door to
(15:07):
be domed.
Thank you, it is absolutelyA-OK to date.
If you don't want arelationship, clarity is
required to do so ethically,which you do want to do.
That's its own reward, not evena moral judgment here.
(15:28):
You'll regret it if you treatpeople poorly.
You can't do that if you wantthe world to be the kind of
world you want to live in.
However, it is totallyacceptable to date casually.
Sex and love are differentthings.
There's an overlap in the Venndiagram, but you can have sex
without love and you can havedifferent kinds of love, and you
could absolutely have lovewithout a committed, serious
(15:51):
relationship.
You don't have to share aNetflix account to share
intimacy.
In fact, I think the worldwould be better if we really
opened up the idea of whatintimacy can be.
Here's what you want to do ifyou want to date outside of a
relationship, or if you want todate if you want to date outside
of a relationship, or if youwant to date but you don't want
a relationship.
Number one kill the shame.
You're not a bad person.
You're not a player.
You're not a slut, unless youwant to be, in which case you
(16:14):
should be good at it and anethical slut.
There's a pervasive shame ofthese things.
Society is geared towardmonogamy and marriage, and
that's changing.
There are people that arecommitted to that who really
would rather not besubconsciously, and it makes
them mad when you break thetaboo against doing the things
(16:36):
that they don't want to.
Let themselves have the freedomto know that they have the
freedom to do so.
You know, be prepared.
Some people aren't going tolike it, but you are not.
That doesn't mean there'sanything wrong with you.
What you do want to do is bevery clear on what you actually
want.
There is a wrong way to dothings and that's doing things
without thinking or feeling themthrough ahead of time.
(16:59):
That makes it much more likelyfor confusion and
miscommunication and hurt toresult.
So get really clear on what youwant and why, and what you
don't want and why not.
There are plenty of reasons youmight not want a relationship.
You can go through them all.
A lot of them are good.
Some of them are Well.
(17:19):
I mean, if you really do want arelationship, pretending you
don't want a relationship is notgoing to get you there and a
lot of people are going to behurt.
One of them is probably goingto be you.
So get really clear on what youactually want.
There's a whole process orself-inquiry that goes into this
.
Here are a few ideas, blankblank blank.
When you've got that,communicate.
Let yourself be known and beheard.
(17:41):
Be proud of what you want.
Put it up front.
For online dating, this is easyenough.
You put it in your profile.
A lot of people don't read theprofiles, but that's really not
your problem.
Tinder is more geared towardcasual dating.
Field is one that's gearedtoward different configurations
poly and kink lifestyle, etc.
You've taken the trouble ofthinking through what you want.
(18:03):
You can give somebody else whatthey want.
You are someone's fetish andthere are people that are into
the same things that you are.
If you communicate, if you letit be known, there's not much
long-term reward from trickingpeople into liking you and,
although it may require somepatience and there may be some
disappointment and people you'renot aligned with, so you're not
(18:23):
going to hit it off.
If you lead with what you know,you are more likely to get it.
Plus, if you're honest, theworld is your memory.
You don't have to keep doublingdown on your own lies or keep
track of your own BS.
It makes things a lot easierand it opens up your energy
channels.
For real intimacy, which you canhave with somebody that you're
not in a relationship with,happens all the time.
(18:44):
Don't make it weird.
This is one reason you want toget clear on what you want ahead
of time, because if you startchanging your mind, or if you
really want something thatyou're not letting your partner
know that you want, or ifthere's something you want that
you don't know that you want, itgets weird.
You send mixed signals Wordssay one thing and your actions
say another, or you wishy-washyand flip back and forth and
(19:07):
that's something you want to dounder the right circumstances
with the right people.
If there's that kind ofopenness there, getting easier
(19:29):
for people to talk about thisstuff, but it might seem
presumptuous.
You might be scaring peopleaway much in the same way that
somebody might scare you away bydemanding lifelong exclusive
monogamy on the first date.
Life, future trip.
Let's enjoy the moment.
When you get into the momentand get mindful, you'll be
better at this.
Plus, you'll get better withexperience, and also mindfulness
(19:52):
and experience feed into eachother.
You'll be very present for yourexperiences, which is also
great for intimacy and saves youthe trouble of making it weird.
The guy my friend mentioned,who she had a great couple of
dates with and then, while shewas giving him a blowjob, he
said I'm not really looking fora relationship right now.
(20:13):
Read the room.
Timing is everything and you canlearn it through experience,
trial and perhaps some error.
Have a sense of humor about it,because know that it's going to
be weird anyway, even if itdoesn't involve a relationship.
Sex involves people, datinginvolves people.
People can have fun togetherand they're always going to make
(20:36):
things weird.
So understand that thesituation on the ground is
subject to change.
There will always be thingsthat aren't communicated with
crystal clarity.
Anyone who's 100% honest isprobably going to be thrown in
jail or shot.
We don't always know what'sgoing on in our hearts and that
can change, so you know thatthings are going to get weird
(20:58):
anyway.
Be open to that.
Be like water.
Pay attention.
Learn to take care of thepeople around you.
To be casual is not to becallous.
You have a greater obligationto treat people the way that
they ought to be treated, theway that you want to be.
Adapt to what happens.
Learn and grow from yourexperiences.
(21:19):
Learn about yourself.
Pay attention as your needsevolve.
Communicate.
Real intimacy involves that kindof vulnerability and strength,
honesty, deep down communication.
Have the chance to learnthrough dating who you are.
The real reason to do it is weare who we are in relation to
others.
To see yourself through theeyes of another, perhaps
(21:42):
multiple others, gives youdifferent perspectives.
Take in the entirekaleidoscopic panorama.
Being who you are, you can beyour beauty and potential.
Don't waste that opportunity.
Stick with it.
Stay in the moment, even if itgets weird.
You got this.
It's not confidence that's sexyso much as the ability to hang
in there when things get weird,if you're just naturally don't
(22:05):
care.
I mean, it's better than beingmanipulative and wishy-washy and
it's sequoias but it's notreally as good as having your
emotions serve you rather thanmaster you, etc.
Etc.
And being like water rollingwith the change and things are
changing.
Relationship configurations arechanging.
There's more cheating, moredivorce.
(22:26):
People are realizing that tomake promises they don't intend
to keep doesn't necessarilyserve them in the long run.
It's better to cause a littlebit of frustration now than a
whole lot of pain down the lineby betraying people because you
haven't been true to yourself.
It's perfectly okay to date ifyou don't want a relationship.
(22:46):
You can do whatever you want,as long as everything is above
board and everyone is on board.
It's okay to be non-monogamousas long as everyone's on the
same page.
It's okay to change your mindas long as that's well
communicated Communicate.
So many things are just based onassumptions and so much of our
disappointment is aboutexpectations that we never
(23:09):
bothered to tell anyone about.
Nevertheless, we get mad whenthey let us down.
These people aren't our parents.
We got to do the work here, bea grown-up and date without
getting into a relationship.
A lot of reasons you might notwant one, it's all good.
Keep it real.
Keep it 100.
Thank you.
Anybody's told you life is nota game.
(24:39):
There are no winners and losers.
They're lying.
Those people are lying to you.
They want you to keep losing.
I want you to start winning.
One reason it's hard to makefriends as an adult is you
probably already have too manyPsychic vampires, bullies,
posing as friends.
You know the type Screw up,screw the crew up.
You're going to start firingpeople.
I'll show you how to do that.
It's not enough to end thefriendship.
(25:01):
Win the friendship breakup.
Consolidate your power.
Make it hurt.
Here's how.
First of all, it's all aboutmindset.
You are better than that.
You've been to places they'llnever go.
You understand things they'llnever know.
Most people are hypnotized.
They've, within a walking daze,repeat thrice recycled ideas
(25:25):
they got at a discount fromsomebody who's highly
incentivized to propagate thoseideas.
Do they benefit?
Do they know?
Do they even know?
Don't think.
Just repeat Same stock phrases,catch phrases.
They stole from you.
They steal your material whenyou're not around.
They don't steal like artists,because they're not.
They're hacks.
You're better than them.
You have value and values.
Never forget that.
It's easy to infringe heads ofpeople who don't deserve to be
your friend.
(25:46):
If you believe it, it's trueBecause you got it like that.
Have boundaries.
Set them and defend them.
Make them somewhat arbitrary.
Have a sub-zero tolerance list.
Things that will get peoplekicked out of the party Could be
seemingly innocuous.
Party fouls A faux pas.
Their intentions might be goodIntentions don't matter.
(26:07):
Results matter.
The result of crossing you islosing your confidence in
friendship.
Friendship is an investment.
Don't back a loser.
You make the rules.
Winners write history.
Make your sub-zero tolerancelist.
Make it long, shockinglyarbitrary.
This life right here is all youget.
Rule your fiefdom with an ironfist.
People like that, they need it.
(26:27):
People want to be told what todo.
People are waiting to be toldwhat to do.
Don't keep them waiting.
If they're not showing youproper respect and fealty,
they're going to walk the plankbecause it's Rankin-Yank time.
Jack Welch, the longtime CEO ofGeneral Electric, pioneered the
rank and yank practice.
He doesn't like it when youcall it that.
That's neither here nor there.
(26:48):
He's a black-hearted bastard.
But good ideas come fromeverywhere and once a year you
should rank order all of yourfriends best to worst, strongest
to weakest.
Whatever your value systemdictates, you make your own
values.
God is dead.
We murdered him.
Now you make the rules.
The bottom 10% get fired.
They're going to be shocked.
They will think you are cruel.
(27:08):
They might be right, but youare doing them a favor.
You're giving them theopportunity to go find a
friendship that they might begood at, or they might bring
something to the table.
The world's full of patheticlosers they will not want for
company.
Move first, initiate the breakup.
Always, don't be caught offguard.
Don't get cold-cocked, Don'tget blindsided, don't get hurt.
(27:33):
Protect your heart.
Use meditation to control yourmind, your emotions, and
heighten your awareness so thatyou throw the first punch and
then you keep kicking until theystop moving.
If they hit the ground, it'sall over.
They're going to hit the groundright away because they're not
going to see this coming.
Getting fired is your friend.
(27:53):
So it's important to be notjust aware but suspicious.
Keep your game face on.
Keep the swivel head in action.
Always look for signs ofdisloyalty and betrayal.
Don't be caught off guard Ifyou have any reason to suspect
that somebody is going to turnon you, and they will.
People will hurt you justbecause they can't.
They resent your greatness,your freedom, your power.
(28:15):
They're going to test you, butyou got to make an example of
somebody.
If they look at you the wrongway, be ready to strike.
The first thing you want to dois ignore them, cut off their
attention.
Give them the gift of missingyou.
Let them know what it feelslike to fall out of your favor.
Let them experience lifeoutside of your good graces.
Let them see what happens whenthey have to fend for themselves
(28:37):
.
Maybe they'll like it, maybethey'll be okay with it, maybe
the friendship will die anatural death.
If you let it do that, what'sprobably going to happen is
they're going to fall completelyin love with you.
However they fall in love,that's going to happen.
They're going to show you a lotof affection.
It's going to be disgusting,nauseating.
You can handle it.
You got the power and nowyou've got more of it because
(29:00):
you were able to ignore them forlonger than was comfortable.
Being comfortable with silenceis a superpower, especially if
it's wildly uncomfortable forthe person you're defenestrating
.
Silence is gold.
Let them beg for your attention.
Let them know how valuable theyare.
Let them know what they'relosing.
Drop the axe, cut them off.
(29:20):
Make it quick.
No prior notice, don't complain, don't explain, let them off.
Make it quick.
No prior notice.
Don't complain, don't explain.
Let them ruminate on it forever.
They're smart enough to figureout what they did wrong.
They just can't handle thatresponsibility.
You'll really see them twist inthe wind.
You'll be proud of yourself andglad you did what you did.
You'll feel 50 pounds lighterwhen you cut them off, when you
(29:42):
86 them, when they are donesmoked.
23 skidoo use language.
They understand that could beweird, cryptic, aggressive.
It's especially fun to dumppeople using inside jokes they
both used to enjoy together anddo it through the proper
channels.
Some people are going to behurt and deeply confused if they
are cut off by text message.
(30:03):
It's easier to hurt some peoplein person.
Telephony is underrated.
You can break someone's heartand break them open over the
phone.
Power of your voice, tonality,is everything.
If you decide to forgive, do sostrategically.
Make sure that letting go ofyour fatwa, of the black spot,
the burn notice that you issuedto this person, benefits you in
(30:24):
a specific way.
If you bring them back in,maintain the upper hand, keep an
eye on them.
They're in a tray again.
They can't be trusted.
They can be leveraged.
When you got into thisfriendship.
You were not exercising bestjudgment.
You were not acting fromenlightened self-interest.
You brought in someone whodiminished you.
Their disrespect, the way theydestabilized you, made you doubt
(30:47):
yourself.
The trust issues that they gaveyou reverberate through your
life to this day.
Don't make the same mistake.
Be not just better than them.
Be the bigger person.
You know that you're betterthan them.
Keep your cool.
Be dispassionate.
Be compassionate.
Be the grown-up.
Kick them out like you'rereluctantly punishing a
disobedient child.
(31:08):
They'll know that you're right.
They won't even question it.
You're the authority.
Act like it To the winners.
Go the spoils.
If your friends are spoiled,teach them a lesson.
Show them what life is about.
Rock solid confidence andauthority.
You've got this.
You're already better than them.
Have a more interesting lifethan they do.
Get on your mission.
(31:29):
Make things happen.
Make new, better friends.
You are the people youassociate with.
Associate with movers, peoplewho do things.
You don't have to be an optimist, necessarily, but go where the
action is.
Play.
Ain't it Awful?
When you're in the nursing home?
You probably won't want to.
You'll have lived a full,fascinating life.
Have great sex, travel, makemoney.
(31:50):
Use it to make thingsinteresting.
Play elaborate pranks on peoplePsychedelically surreal, weird
mindfuck hoaxes.
Mess with people.
Make their lives interesting.
Cultivate your power.
Be present, be passionate.
Have a life that is too full,too interesting.
It's going too fast, too high avelocity for that person to
(32:12):
stay on board.
Kick them out.
It's going to be fun to watch.
After you kick them out, youget to decide what happens next.
Set expectations.
Winners make the rules andwinners make history.
They can be sore, they probablywill be so.
One of the things that happenswhen you get canned by someone
who's superior to you, justobjectively, that's not what
(32:33):
matters.
You make the rules.
Rule your fiefdom.
There's no crying in U-BallExcept you can, because it's
your party.
You can become what theydislike.
Do everything that you couldn'tdo with that person because
they hated it.
Go to movies alone, move to acity that they hate, because
they don't know what they'retalking about.
They just like jumping toconclusions.
(32:54):
They like to think they havegood taste.
They don't know what they'remissing.
People with narrow tastes don'tknow what they're missing.
Go broad, do all the thingsthat they don't like.
Narrow tastes at what they'remissing.
Go broad, do all the thingsthat they don't like.
Do anything that you would havebeen ashamed to tell them that
you like.
Get the things you want thatthey don't want you to want, and
rub it in their faces.
The world is fun when you're awinner.
God smiles and winners win andlaughs and losers lose.
(33:18):
Don't laugh.
Don't laugh at your own jokes.
They should be laughing to tryto regain the affinity that they
screwed up with you.
They'll be giving you courtesylaughter when your jokes aren't
funny.
Mess with them.
Test them, ask them if theypretend to know more than they
do.
Get them to back it up.
If they try to stay in yourorbit, disallow that or you can
(33:39):
let them do it and make itmiserable for them.
The world is yours If you takeit.
The world is disobedient, puppy.
Train it, make it your bitch,watch it grow up.
When it's time, kick it out.
You're giving it the gift offreedom.
Pain is ignorance, leaving thebody.
Maybe they'll shape up.
Maybe they'll treat peoplebetter.
Maybe they'll take yourteaching, your philosophy.
(34:01):
Spread it through the world.
They don't really matter.
You're done, you don't care.
It's never a good idea to care.
If you care, stop that, getover it.
Care about people who are goodinvestments.
Help them, help themselves.
At some point they can take itfrom there, otherwise they're
parasitic losers.
You don't have time for that.
It sounds crass, but that's howit is.
It's the way the world works.
(34:23):
You know this, thank you.
(35:14):
Romantic rejection can hurt, itcan sting.
You put yourself out there andyou risked rejection and you did
in fact get rejected.
And it's disappointing.
It hurts a little bit.
It's okay to acknowledge that.
That's a feeling and althoughall feelings are correct, yours
and everyone else's feelingslast for about 90 seconds if you
let them pass, unless you latchonto them and start telling
(35:36):
yourself stories about them.
We're going to do that anyway.
We humans are storytelling,pattern matching machines and
boy, boy, do we love to suffer?
But you can mitigate some ofyour suffering by being more
deliberate in the stories thatyou tell yourself about yourself
and things that happen to you,like getting blown out.
So let's reframe rejection.
First of all, don't take itpersonally.
(35:58):
This happens to everyone.
If you put yourself out there,you will get rejected.
You're not everyone's type, butyou are someone's.
Rule 34 is evidence of that,and this person doesn't really
know.
You Got a very superficial viewof you based on a fleeting
interaction.
A lot of it was justassumptions that she makes and
you don't know what her fannyissues are, what her perverted
(36:20):
kinks are.
We're all just arguing withversions of ourselves and she
doesn't know you.
So how could you take itpersonally?
That happened to someone else.
No one cares about you Really.
What have you done?
Who are you?
Are you on Wikipedia, imdb?
I've never heard of you.
Don't get high on yourself.
I don't think it's about you.
Nobody cares.
(36:40):
They care about themselves andhow you make them feel.
And you're trying to make thisperson feel good and it didn't
work out and that's fine.
The most important thing is torespect boundaries.
If you have any problem withthat, if you get angry and
you're rejected and you act out,persist after you've been blown
out or make it weird.
(37:01):
If it's a friend friendsituation you wanted to do
something else with, and that'snot reciprocal get help.
You're a danger to others andyourself.
That's not okay.
We're all about boundaries hereand you don't want somebody
that doesn't want you.
Trust me, it's better to bewanted.
There are issues that you cansolve if you take them seriously
(37:21):
and get some help.
Otherwise, set your ownboundaries.
This person has boundariesenough to let you know they're
not feeling it.
Maybe you can take a cue fromthat and work on your own
boundaries.
What do you really want?
Go for that and protect yourheart.
Don't put people on pedestals.
Nobody belongs there.
They don't deserve it.
(37:41):
They'll resent you for it.
They'll don't like to be takenmore seriously than they know
they deserve.
Figure out who you are, what youwant, get a little bit selfish.
People respect that.
It lets them know who you areand trust you.
That's part of number threebuilding resilience.
Every experience is a day inthe laboratory.
You're getting out there,you're testing your assumptions,
(38:04):
taking contrary action, findingcontrary evidence to the ones
that aren't helping.
That's hard work and yourexperience will turn into wisdom
and you'll process it intowisdom and you will get better
problems.
If you have 99 problems, go for100.
101, that Depeche Mode.
May we all have better problems.
(38:25):
May we all switch out ourcurrent problems for better ones
, more deserving of our grit andtenacity and character We've
developed by taking risks andnot succeeding every time, but
learning more from the failures,from the pain.
That's what really is memorableand makes an impression.
Focus on attunement, compassionand connection.
(38:46):
Life is lived in connection toothers.
Relationships are what it's allabout.
You're not a rock or an island.
If you think you are, you'vegot a big surprise coming.
You're on your deathbed,spending time with people who
get you, people who love you,people on the same wavelength
people.
You don't have to explainyourself to people who will help
you move, help you out when youneed it, or scrub your
(39:08):
baseboards or engage indemeaning acts mowing your lawn
butt naked, for instance, justfor your amusement.
Build those relationships andeven for strangers.
Get in the process of gettingin someone else's experience.
Attuning yourself really caringabout other people.
That's attuning yourself,really caring about other people
.
That's how they'll end upcaring about you, because they
(39:28):
care about themselves.
Already you care about them.
You'll leg up Work on yourconnection.
Get attuned, get compassionate,really connect with people.
Casual sex is a goodopportunity to do that with a
lot of different people.
Quite a scopic sense ofconnection and you can lose
yourself.
You discover the truth and theBuddhist concept of no self and
(39:49):
then you can practice self-care,which seems paradoxical, but
it'll make sense when youpractice the best form of
self-care, which is smoking thevenom of Bufo Alvarez, the
Colorado River Toad, a drugknown as 5-MeO-DMT no connection
to DMT.
It's confusing.
It is a little bit confusing.
It's a psychedelic baseball batto the head and when you smoke
(40:13):
it you will not exist.
There's not reallyhallucinations or anything like
that, because there's no you tobe having that experience.
It is out.
There's a driver's license withsomebody else's name and
picture on it.
No, dripping ineffable in theinfinite.
There's not a whole lot more tosay about it beyond that,
because it's buck wild.
You don't exist.
(40:33):
That's the solution foreverything.
You have to be careful whereyou go.
This stuff is illegal.
I'm not going to encourage youto do it.
It certainly worked for me.
A lot of dangerous scammypractitioners.
Some of them are hilarious,wacky characters.
You get a little taste of goingcompletely insane Dissociating,
not existing.
(40:54):
Who wouldn't want that?
The toads are in danger.
So if you smoke the venom, givesome love back to the toads.
At least support them againstthe poachers.
You can send them artilleryguns.
I don't know if they know howto use those, but it's better
than nothing.
Once you get rid of yourself,you'll find yourself putting the
G in generosity, getting trulygenerous Because you can't be
(41:17):
greedy.
There's nobody there to haveyour fans Be acquisitive.
You will be inquisitive becauseyou will lose your sense of
separateness and truly betogether.
You will not come all the wayback.
Sorry, if you were hoping forthat.
You'll remember what it's liketo check out of yourself.
If you do come back more thanyou wanted to, who wants to be
(41:39):
you, you can do it again.
It's the universal cure-all forany problems that you have.
It mixes well with other things.
I've never tried it with someof the PCP or anything like that
, but I imagine that would be awild adventure.
Go on Mr Toad's wild ride andhear the music that the toads
are playing for us.
They sleep like what 10 monthsout of the year.
They know what's up.
(42:00):
Wisdom of the toad will guideyou.
Ride the toad.
Know what that's about.
Shift your focus to yourmission.
Find something to do.
Doesn't even matter what it is,just pick something
Particularly good is somethingthat needs to be done, something
that helps people, somethingthat no one else is doing.
See if you can find somethinglike that.
Otherwise, get good at jerkingoff.
(42:21):
Be Henry Miller.
Find something to do.
Whatever it is, someone is intoit, you're someone's type and
whatever you're doing, if youget really good at it, you get
to be the best.
If you're a leader and mentorfor others, people will line up
around the block to fuck you.
You won't have time to fuck allof them.
You will still get rejectedsometimes because it happens to
everyone, but you'll be okaywith it because you'll have a
(42:42):
higher zoomed out perspective onall this stuff.
The social connection is reallyimportant and it hurts to get
rejected because you know youfeel like you're being cast out,
abandoned, not taken seriously.
But that's not as big a problemif you celebrate your
friendships and have a sociallife and have people who get you
and expect nothing in returnand can take a beating if that's
(43:04):
necessary.
Stuffed animals are great.
We're stuffed animal-likepeople.
Ask yourself what can I learnfrom this?
Always inquire, always beimproving, always be learning.
Getting smarter, tougher,better than other people that's
the ultimate goal.
As long as you're a discreetentity, as long as you're not
fully gone on the toad, youshould be better than other
people.
That's the ultimate goal.
(43:25):
As long as you're a discreetentity, as long as you're not
fully gone on the toad, youshould be better than other
people.
That's the people around you.
If you're the smartest personin the room, make sure everyone
knows that.
Also, ask yourself what's funnyabout this.
There's certainly somethingabout any rejection that would
be funny if it happened tosomeone else.
And again, that's the goodthing about losing yourself with
5-in-0 DMT.
Think about it that way.
Ask yourself, how am I theasshole in this?
(43:47):
Because that will make yousomebody that people enjoy
laughing at.
And then do a live storytellingshow.
Do the Moth not the Valentine'sDay edition, because everyone
does that.
Everyone has a story.
It's generally about heartbreak.
Get really creative.
What other elements were inplay?
Did this story involve a roadtrip, chocolate and peanut
(44:07):
butter in the same jar, orpillowcases in some way?
Then you can tell a story aboutthat.
The romantic rejection is beingMacGuffin and drives the plot.
Always be redefining everything.
Reframing, redefining,recontextualizing, redefine
success.
What does success mean to you?
Is it about achieving something?
Is it about accomplishingsomething that's ultimately out
(44:29):
of your control?
Or is it mainly about showingup and acting like you believe
in yourself, even if you don'tdoing the things you have to do,
even if you don't want to,keeping your promises to
yourself, so you can build trustin yourself and integrity.
People want to blow you.
If you have that.
That's how it works.
That's when you empoweryourself with self-acceptance,
(44:50):
authenticity, being true toyourself, being who you are, so
we know who you are and we cantrust you and self-love being
the best lover you've ever had.
Practice mindful masturbation.
Get yourself off better thananyone else ever could, do yoga
until you can blow yourself andthen keep all of that for
yourself and lord that overother people.
Be kind to yourself and becomestronger through rejection.
(45:12):
Become inconquerable.
Be so kind to yourself that youreally are the best and nobody
can really fuck with you.
There's somebody out there thatcan and still get rejected,
because everyone does Challengethe myths of rejection.
Sexual rejection is not areferendum on you.
Again, it has nothing to dowith you.
People don't know you.
Nothing has anything to do withyou, nothing matters.
(45:34):
You don't exist.
There's more than one personthat you're compatible with.
There are 12 million people inMetro Los Angeles alone.
You're somebody's type andthere are a lot of people with
no standards.
Everything you believe is wrong, so be wrong about the right
things.
Believe that you get strongerthrough rejection and that it's
actually a good thing, and thatwill become true for you.
(45:55):
Focus on the journey.
It's all about people you meet,the stories you have to tell
how you feel about yourself, howyou grow, how you make up
stories to make you feel likethere's some narrative and
continuity and meaning in life,even though there isn't.
That's what really matters.
So embrace that.
Know that anyone who rejectsyou is stupid and missing out on
the most explosive orgasms oftheir life.
(46:18):
Learn to make women cum.
That's the last thing.
If you can really make her cum,things will start coming into
alignment for you, becausethat's like casting a magic
spell.
I've been to the Grand Canyon.
I've given women cascadingorgasms and the Grand Canyon is
a ditch compared to that.
So that's something you couldfocus on and it'll take your
mind off of things and it'lltake her mind off of things.
(46:39):
You won't have minds anymore.
It's almost like smoking 5-MeODMT.
That's the thing that I wouldcombine it with.
Those things would go reallywell together, like chocolate
and peanut butter.
Let's try it.
K-chung, los Angeles 1630 AM.
(47:10):
Kchungradioorg on the WorldWide Web.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program, home of Ask
a Sadist, proudly sponsored bythe First Church of the Satanic
Buddha, birthplace and habitatof bite-sized erotic thrillers.
My name is emerson dameron.
I'm the writer, producer, host.
(47:30):
Everything.
I love you personally.
Levity saves lives.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
I'm an avant-garde motivationalspeaker from Los Angeles, and
the song that saved my life isRide the Lightning by Metallica,
and the lyrics go like thisGuilty as charged, but damn it,
(47:52):
it ain't right.
There's someone else controllingme.
Death in the air, strapped inthe electric chair.
This can't be happening to me.
Who made you God to say I'lltake your life from you?
Flash before my eyes.
Now it's time to die.
Burning in my brain, I can feelthe flame.
Wait for the sign to flick theswitch of death.
(48:12):
It's the beginning of the end.
Sweat, chilling, cold.
As I watch death unfold,consciousness, my only friend.
My fingers grip with fear.
What am I doing here?
Someone help me.
Oh, please, god, help me.
They're trying to take it allaway.
I don't want to die.
Time moving slow, the minutesseem like hours, the final
(48:33):
curtain All I see.
How true is this?
Just get it over with.
If this is true, just let it beAwakened by horrid scream.
Freed from this frighteningdream.
When I was a boy, I was astudent of the world.
I was interested in all sortsof things.
If I wasn't supposed to beinterested in it, I was
(48:53):
interested in it.
That's a blunt heuristic, butit worked for a dreamy,
introverted young man.
My big three fascinations weremusic, drugs and death, in that
order.
Music was exciting in the 80s.
It was the time of the satanicpanic which really did ruin a
(49:14):
lot of people's lives.
Tipper Gore made heavy metaland rap music in the 80s a lot
more interesting than they wouldhave been otherwise.
My favorite band was theBeatles.
I also liked Pink Floyd.
I liked anything psychedelic.
The more otherworldly it was,the more I was into it, because
I was not a fan of this world.
(49:34):
I wanted to get on the MagicalMystery Tour and never come back
.
We had something called the DAREprogram Drug Abuse Resistance
Education which was a hungovercop who came into elementary
school classrooms and describedto us in some detail all of the
street drugs that were available, the slang names that you could
(49:55):
use to buy them, the subjectiveeffects, and my reaction was oh
so that's what the Beatles weretalking about and I'm going to
do all of them.
I stopped believing in God kindof early, realized Santa was
bullshit, and then the dominoesfell down and I was determined
to make the most of this life.
I sensed that this is all weget and that it was my
(50:18):
responsibility.
To get as fucked up as possiblein this life meant I needed to
do all the drugs.
My relationship with deathinitially was more flip.
It never occurred to me that itwould happen to me.
For me it was a narrativedevice.
It was a MacGuffin in myfavorite TV show, which was the
black and white original PerryMason with Raymond Burr, and it
(50:39):
was something I used in my ownstories that I made up.
I was constantly killing off mystuffed animals and then
resurrecting them with differentpersonalities.
I think everything should beterm limited.
I think characters shouldrotate out friends,
relationships, pretty mucheverything.
There should be a set amount oftime and then it should either
be termed out or re-evaluatedand possibly phased out.
(51:03):
That's the only way you changeand grow, and death was useful
for that.
I had the mind of a soap operawriter.
I should have gone for that.
I wanted to be president.
I was pretty sure I could getelected on.
The novelty of being anine-year-old Never got around
to trying, couldn't raise enoughmoney, wasn't popular at all.
(51:28):
There were three incidents thathad a long-term effect on me.
There was a senator in my homestate named John Porter East, a
Republican, who was facingpublic disgrace.
A bunch of scandals werecatching up with him.
He was going down and so hewent into his garage and using
carbon monoxide he killedhimself.
And I asked my dad to explainwhat that was about and that was
(51:49):
my introduction to the conceptof suicide and I remember
thinking oh so that's somethingyou could just do.
My dad was a public defender.
He had a client named DougOlson who had a big porn stash
which was Derrick Gurr in the80s.
He was also a cocaine addictpart of the 80s gestalt as well.
I never really saw how thatworked with the porn stash, but
(52:14):
I guess he was good enough atdoing coke to get it around the
mustache, but not good enoughthat he didn't end up murdering
someone because of it.
He'd been convicted.
He was waiting to find out ifhe was going to get the death
penalty, which in North Carolinawas lethal injection.
They had phased out theelectric chair or life in prison
(52:35):
.
And one Sunday afternoon I guessmy dad couldn't get rid of me,
so he took me into the countyjail to meet Doug Olson.
He's probably the sweetest,most naturally exuberant,
friendliest, most bubbly personI think I've ever met.
He was so happy to be in thesame room with a kid.
I guess it didn't occur to methat that's not something he was
(52:55):
able to do under his currentcircumstances.
I remember he loved me and itwas hard not to reciprocate
Charming bastard so much that Ididn't care what he'd done.
I kind of thought murdererswere cool for a while.
After that he very much wantedto get life in prison.
He did not want to be executedand even at the time I remember
thinking like what's, why do youwant to spend 40 years in
(53:20):
prison?
Why not just get it over with?
This was also around the time Igot into heavy metal, which took
a while because, honestly, Iwas kind of scared of it.
There was a lot of anti-metalsentiment in the air, but I was
very, very curious.
Metallica in particular,because it was such a fucking
ridiculous name.
I knew it had to be good and Ifinally got a chance to
(53:42):
furtively listen to Metallica's1984 masterpiece Ride the
Lightning on cassette 1984,arguably the best year for
popular music.
I'm not sure what kind of hellcarnival I was expecting, but I
was floored.
I was blown away by thesymphonic complexity of this
(54:02):
thing.
The untrammeled aggression, thewounded humanity.
This was not otherworldly, thiswas of this world and it was
pissed about it and it hadsomething to say Angry,
cathartic, purgative.
I was totally fascinated and amto this day.
Every time I listen to thatalbum, which I've done hundreds
of times.
It still has surprises.
(54:24):
The topic of death does come up,and suicide in particular.
There's a song called Fade toBlack.
That's from the point of viewof a character who's
contemplating ending his life.
He's very depressed, he's givenup on himself.
Fade to Black was certainly acontemplation of suicide.
And there was another track,the title song, ride the
(54:44):
Lightning, the churning,captivating motherfucker of all
stompers, capturing the rage andterror of a character who's
been wrongly sentenced to die inthe electric chair, which is
what Ride the Lightning means.
In this context there's aphrase on loan from Stephen King
and he does not want to die.
He's strapped in, it's hopeless, he's fucked, but he's going to
(55:07):
fight back with all of theindignation and extreme
individualism and the rage ofsomeone who's been betrayed by
anything and everything that heever believed in, who is
screaming for his life andliving off of pure anger and
survival instinct and a deeplove for himself is the kind of
(55:30):
thing that you don't know what'sgoing to happen.
When you get to the point whereyou're almost ready to die but
it will often come up You'llfind a reservoir of the will to
passion, to power, whatever itis, that's more powerful and
profound than the death drivethat can no longer be kept down.
You will discover that if youscratch a cynic you get a looted
(55:52):
romantic and the cynic can lockthe romantic in the basement.
But the romantic is strongerand smarter and meaner and it's
gonna get out, and that canhappen sometimes when you're
looking down the barrel of death, which I've done many times on
purpose.
By the time I got into thisrecord, I was already becoming a
conspicuously morbid young man.
I was not making friends.
(56:14):
My teachers alerted my mom tothe fact that I wasn't mixing in
socially and she took that as areferendum on her parenting.
It was not flattering.
So I was put into counselingand I ended up on tons of
antidepressant medications,including like seriously like
six or seven at a time Handfuls,some of which are no longer
prescribed to teenage boys.
(56:35):
One was Paxil, which turned outto be associated with incidents
of extreme violent behavior.
Those are not the drugs that Iwanted.
They made me bloated.
I looked like a Ziploc bag fullof water.
They made me impotent, whichkind of didn't matter.
Sex had rocketed to number oneon my list of interests and it
(56:56):
was pretty clear that I wasnever going to have any, and I
was really angry.
It was either one thing or theclear that I was never going to
have any and I was really angry.
It was either one thing or theother.
I was constantly oscillatingbetween fading to black and
riding the lightning in adifferent sense, raising my arms
to the sky and channeling theenergy of the cosmos, letting it
run through my nervous system,charging myself up with
something so powerful that all Icould do was get out of its way
(57:20):
.
And get out of my own way andlet it charge me up.
Ride the lightning that Ibought the ticket for.
On the other hand, I've alwaysfound suicide really compelling.
In theory, for most of my lifeI felt like a lot of things were
out of my control.
My friendships have been rocky,I've pinballed all over the
country.
I've dealt with seriousdepression, substance abuse
(57:42):
issues.
Having the option C of suicidein my back pocket gave me a
sense of agency.
I always had the option of justwiping myself off the
ontological chalkboard, justwiping it all out in one go.
It was all or nothing.
I couldn't keep the good stuffand get rid of the bad stuff,
but if I was overwhelmed by thebad stuff I could get rid of all
(58:02):
of it, and once the suicidedoor opened for me, it never
really closed.
I've come pretty close to theedge of fading to black.
Suicide is one of the manythings that I've never succeeded
at, but there was one time whenI made an attempt which was, I
thought, pretty half-assed, butI guess it was more whole-assed
than I thought, because I wentinto a fugue state and I
(58:25):
hallucinated a digital clock ortimer counting down from 60
seconds.
I knew that when it got to zero, I was 23 skidoo.
I was out of there.
I had achieved the goal thatI'd toyed with so many times.
I was going out.
My problems were about to beover.
My first thought was just letthis happen.
You wanted this for so long.
(58:46):
You're in so much pain.
You don't have the copingresources to get out of this.
This is the way.
This is what is supposed to behappening right now.
Just relax, fade to black.
And then I started gettingauditory hallucinations.
I started hearing voicemailmessages from my brother, from
teachers of mine, my therapist,some of my mentors who I guess,
(59:10):
knew that something was wrongand were calling anxiously
looking for answers, hopingeverything was okay.
But you could also kind of hearthat they were accepting the
fact that it was too late, thatthe Emerson-Dameron experiment
had come to a disappointingconclusion and I was leaving
them to clean up the mess.
And I realized that as long asI was realizing this and I had
(59:35):
the option of stopping it, I hadto do that.
I could ride the lightning intodeath or I could ride it back
into this world, and so I called911.
I don't recommend this.
If you have other options, I'mconvinced that this is it.
This is all we get as long asI'm here.
(59:55):
I have to make the most of it.
I don't want to die wondering,and that's what would have
happened there.
It's inaccurate to say that thenarrator of the song Ride the
Lightning fights all the way tothe end.
In the last verse you can hearhim accepting that he's fucked.
He's not going to break out ofthis, he's not going to break
(01:00:16):
the straps and get out of old,sparky electric chair and then
bust his way out of prison likethe Kool-Aid pitcher.
He's going to die andpresumably that's what happened.
Doug Olson got life in prison.
I saw him one more time afterhe got that news and just
remember the absolute exuberantjoy in his eyes from getting
(01:00:37):
that piece of information thathe was going to spend the rest
of his life in a box, that he hewas gonna spend the rest of his
life in a box, that he wasgonna spend the rest of his life
.
I still think about suicide allthe time.
My brain is constantly tryingto kill me.
It's like in the Pink Panthermovies with Peter Sellers, where
he gets his assistant to ambushhim and try to assassinate him
(01:00:57):
to keep him on his toes.
My brain is always trying tofuck with me in that way.
All organisms move towardpleasure as long as they know
what they're doing.
Flowers grow toward the lightand right now, when I ride the
light, it takes me in the samedirection.
I'm not ready to go yet.
There are still drugs that Ihave not yet done.
Thank you.
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